By Harrison Kopp

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN CHAPTER NINE:  CASTLE COMMUNICATIONS

 

Lucifer Satan Diablo Apollyon Morningstar was not a happy chappy. The Lord of Hell not only had to eternally endure the knowledge that his finest warriors were vanquished at the hands of Tee Bone Man, Superdekes and The Snowman, but, having finally recovered their remains, was now faced with the task of reanimating the four melted lumps of flesh in front of him back into something resembling fearsome creatures of destruction.

Progress had been incredibly slow. He had never actually considered that the KISS could be defeated and, on top of that, he kept finding shards of ice, wood and trace amounts of metal sticking out whatever orifices he could locate. It had been a couple months now, and he was still unsuccessful. To say he was frustrated would be to first assume that he had any patience whatsoever to begin with.

To add insult to injury, just recently he had been forced to join forces with Tee Bone Man and Superdekes in order to save heavy metal. But things were about to turn around. During his brief time visiting in rock heaven he had been able to weasel some information out of one of its residents. Information that would help him locate two items of immense power. The power, he had heard, to conquer any land in an instant.

 

---

Meanwhile, in the land of the living, Tee Bone Man and Superdekes were enjoying the latest in a series of peaceful weeks back at Deke’s palace. Things had been quiet since their travails across time saving almost the entirety of heavy metal, and the two friends had found themselves with plenty of free time on their hands.

This time had been spent absorbing the multitude of MP3s they had been left by the musicians of rock heaven. Never in their wildest dreams had they ever imagined they’d hear such unique and amazing combinations of musicians.

And the two men had also curiously found themselves rediscovering albums they had previously been familiar with all their lives. As if new life had been breathed into the songs. “Had that guitar fill always been there?” came one notable instance when the duo had first listened to Led Zeppelin’s “The Rover”. And not to mention the time Tee Bone thought to himself “That sounds like one of Deke’s basslines” while listening to “Iron Man”.

And that was only the tip of the iceberg. The duo were very excited to attend the upcoming Iron Maiden concert in Toronto. They’d both seen the band before, but they were both sure this time was going to be like no other.

In short, our heroes had had a very enjoyable month, free from any infernal entanglements, and at this current moment were listening to the much-appreciated Done With Mirrors.

Then came a sound that was definitely not on the original Done With Mirrors, for it was the sound of the T-Phone. This particular baritone ringtone meant that the call was coming from Harrison “El Moustachio” Holden, the hero of Australia who joined the duo on their battle through Hell to save the world from Satanic earthquakes. Tee Bone, expecting the worst, put the receiver to his ear and answered.

“Hey guys! How’ve you been?”, the Australian’s voice rang out. “Actually, save that for when you get here. I’ve got some great news for you. We’ve got a CD and record fair running here tomorrow. If you’re still looking for that Albert Productions Highway to Hell this’ll probably be your best chance to get it”.

Tee Bone turned to Deke, who was already up and packing.

“We’ll be there. Keep a roo warm for us”

The Australian laughed.

“You’ll have our finest steeds awaiting upon your arrival”

 

24 hours later Tee Bone and Deke were across the world, surrounded by vinyl, facial hair and smiling faces. Their trip was already a smashing success. Not only had they found the Albert Productions Highway to Hell they were after, but they had also found first edition printings of the other Bon Scott albums. Deke was suitably chuffed.

The Australian, meanwhile, had scored an Australian tour edition of Blaze Bayley’s Tenth Dimension album. While he prided himself on his knowledge of the British baritone, he never knew Blaze came down here. But the disc title didn’t lie.

But what Tee Bone had in his hands now was rarer and more interesting than all of those put together. And, as it would turn out, far more dangerous.

“Hey, come take a look at this”, Tee Bone said, holding an album with an image of a demonic flaming skull on it. The other two men came over. The record in question was old- very old- and had no track titles. As Tee Bone handled it in his hands the fire seemed to flicker with the movement of the album cover.

This was no ordinary record, and they knew it. A cold wind blew through the building. Harrison had a bad feeling about this. His moustache senses were tingling.

And for good reason. Out of nowhere, the windows and doors of the building crashed open, as a variety of fiends and parademons poured in. One made a beeline straight for Deke, snatching the demonic record out of his hands and attempting to fly away with it. This plan was foiled, however, by a whistling, razor-sharp moustache-shaped boomerang courtesy of one particular Australian in the room.

Seeing the record fall from the dead demon’s hands, Deke dived forward, catching it in mid-air and landing with a crash behind a display of LPs. Emerging shortly after, demonic record in hand, Deke joined Tee Bone and Harrison in repelling the unwanted guests. While these fiends were far from the threat the KISS were, there was a lot of them and only three of our heroes.

Things were starting to look dire. Tee Bone hadn’t brought his guitar and Deke’s bike and gear were in the parking lot. El Moustachio’s razor-moustache was powerful, but it could only do so much. There was only one option left, but it was a cardinal sin of the highest order for the two music lovers.

The two men looked at each other. Tee Bone nodded grimly. Deke nodded back, grabbing a crate of records, and setting it down between them. Tee Bone started sifting through them.

“Technical Ecstasy?”, Tee Bone asked, looking at the first album.

“Toss it”, came Deke’s quick reply.

Pulling the record out, Tee Bone mustered all the super strength he had and hurled the record like a frisbee, cutting the nearest fiend’s head clean off. He immediately turned back to Deke, who had the next album in hand.

“Ram it Down?”, Deke asked.

“No objections”, said Tee Bone, already in the process of hurling it at the nearest demon.

Of course, the pair didn’t agree on everything. One album in particular caused a bit of an argument.

“Don’t you dare”, said Tee Bone

“Christ, Tee it’s rubbish”, came Deke’s impatient rebuttal.

“But it’s got Tommy Thayer on it”, Tee Bone insisted.

“On backing vocals”, Deke countered.

“And Tom Allom produced it”, Tee Bone continued.

Running out of patience, Deke snatched it out of the crate and threw it before Tee Bone could object further. It found its mark, lodged in the skull of a now-dead demon. Tee Bone huffily returned to sifting through the records.

And then there was the curious case of Chinese Democracy, which spun furiously as it went, but only moved forward through the air at a snail’s pace.

 

 

Nevertheless, with the added ammunition the tide began to turn, and eventually every one of the denizens of Hell that had entered the building lay in pieces on the floor. All except for one. This particularly crafty parademon had bided its time the entire fight and, while Tee Bone and Deke were distracted with the crate of records, had swooped in, snatched the demonic record and made itself scarce before he could be subject to the business end of an LP.

As the dust settled, Tee Bone looked around for the demonic record before realising what had happened.

“Blast it! One of them got away with the strange record.”

Deke smiled.

“On the contrary” he said, pulling out a red-sleeved LP with a picture of a band on the front. “They only got the demonic record’s sleeve. I switched the LPs when I was down behind the tables after that diving catch”.

Tee Bone’s demeanour changed immediately, as hearty guffaws came out of his mouth.

“You legend you. Oh, Satan’s going to love that” He said, in between laughs and breaths for air.

---

Satan did not, in fact, love that. The ‘music’ that now pierced his ears elicited a string of expletives so foul that if we translated them from their original Infernal for you, they’d turn this page black and burned.

Ripping the record from his ornate turntable, he turned to the demon in the room with him.

“What about the fiends at the castle?”

The demon did not look enthused at having to answer that question. But he did, with a series of negatory grunts.

Satan swore some more. And then a bit more, just for good measure.

“Throw this piece of crap in the first volcano you find!” He yelled, referring, of course, to the LP in his hands. The demon moved to grab it.

Then Satan had a most diabolical thought.

“Actually, give it to the guys in HR. I think this will make fine listening for the tortured souls I preside over.”

The demon obliged, backing out of the room in a bow so low it was a miracle he got out the door on the first try. Satan then stalked over to the cabinet containing Alexander Graham Bell’s prototype telephone. It had been magically connected to the other circles of Hell, and so he only had to speak into the receiver to connect to his desired recipient.

“Baal!”, he spoke, audibly frustrated.

“Hey Lucy. What’s up?”, came Baal’s reply.

Overlooking the mild vexing he had just received, Satan got straight to business.

“I need to redeem that favour you owe me for getting you out of that mess in Bulgaria.

“Negated by that time I got you out of that spat with that Ed fellow, mate”

“Oh, come on, I had him. Besides you still owe me for that business on Cato Nemoidia as well”

“That doesn’t count, remember? It was overruled by the Devil Council.”

Satan was running out of curses to utter.

“Well, in that case, allow me to owe you one. I need a favour”

“Will have to be two, mate. Your repayment rate’s pretty low, so your exchange rate for favours is two owed for every one gained”

Satan got so mad that his skin colour actually changed saturation slightly.

“Fine”, he growled. “The Knights in Satan’s Service are out of action, and I need some replacements to send on a retrieval mission”

“Oh yes, of course. I can absolutely get you some replacement knights”, Baal jovially responded “They’ll be there within the hour”

Hearing enough, Satan cut the line and began to sulk. He mused to himself that things had better start to go his way. If these inconveniences continued to pile up, he might get mad.

 

---

Back in Australia, Tee Bone and Deke were helping the attendees of the CD and record fair clean up and patch their wounds while Harrison researched the curious LP in front of him. It had taken a lot of digging, but he finally had something from a source that was at least vaguely credible.

“Hey, sounds like we’ve got something really dangerous on our hands here guys” he said. Listen to this.”

He began to read from his phone.

Despite his military prowess and thirst for conquest, the vampiric Count Infernus faced the problem of transporting his armies as readily as he himself could. To counteract this he forged this record, and a number of medieval record players, using dark magic from realms beyond.”

 Tee Bone and Deke looked at each other. They didn’t remember dropping any blueprints for a turntable in the dark ages during their jaunt through time. Harrison continued.

“The Infernum record, as it has come to be known, is the earliest known LP in existence. It holds the screams of the damned, and by playing the record on one of his players he could instantly summon his armies directly from Hell to wherever he was”

“Infernus placed these record players in his strongholds around the world and took the Infernum record with him wherever he went. His terror reigned supreme, until a gathering of heroes from around the world managed to fell him.”

 “While the majority of Infernus’s record players were also destroyed in the following years, the one in his Romanian stronghold remained unlocated, and the Infernum record has since been lost to time.”

This was not good news. Tee Bone knew exactly why Satan’s demons were here, and he could bet where they were going next. Deke was on exactly the same wavelength.

“Looks like we’re going to Romania” he mused.

“Yep”, Tee Bone confirmed. “But what are we going to do with the Infernum record? It would be foolish to take it with us.”

“I think the safest place for it is in El Moustachio’s hands”, Deke said, nodding to Harrison.

The Australian nodded back and surreptitiously put it in his bag. To anyone in the room it would have seemed like nothing out of the ordinary, and no one would have given it a second glance. But Tee Bone, who was closer, caught a glimpse of the inside of Harrison’s bag. Now he wasn’t completely sure, but he could have sworn he saw some acorns in there.

“I’ll defend it with my life”, El Moustachio avowed.

“Hopefully it won’t come to that” Tee Bone said with a smile, forgetting all about what he had seen. “But we really have to be going now.”

“Of course. Good luck” Harrison replied, with a wave as Deke fired up his motorbike. The two accelerated down the road, before shortly taking flight and disappearing into the atmosphere as Harrison watched on.

With everyone now safe at the CD and record fair, the Australian set off for his house, making sure to double check his bag was still fully zipped up. After all, he didn’t intend to get caught in public with the cover of Bad English sticking out of his bag.

 

---

If Baal hadn’t already been one of the Lords of the Dead, Satan would have killed him. He’d provided replacement knights for Satan’s service, all right. Actual knights. The four beings that stood before him were mostly just simple men who had found themselves in Hell for their deeds on various Earths. Nothing like the all-powerful humanoids of destruction he had sent to the Snowman’s house.

First there was Nocturn Nuit, the famous French warrior who always struck under the cover of night. Possessing the power of seeing perfectly in the dark, it was quite ironic that he met his end tripping over a raised root and impaling himself on a tree branch.

Then there was the notorious Black Knight. Despite being shaded in a deep purple in his first appearances, this comic-universe villain’s heart as black as the armour he was entirely clad in. A nasty piece of work, it took the combined efforts of the Rainbow Warrior and the White Snake to finally fell him.

Thirdly stood a golden-armoured knight from a dimension of monsters and magic. Or, at least, his armour did. The man’s quest for immortality had resulted in his body fading away as his armour remained together, possessed by a singular will to live on.

And lastly there was Bernard. The poor sod had been mistaken for an intruder and was arrowed to death by his own comrades. And then, to add insult to injury, he’d been mistakenly sent to Hell to pay for crimes he had not even committed.

But Satan did have one secret weapon up his…uh…sleeve. A cavalryman that could lead the sorry bunch before him to victory. At least he’d better lead them to victory, or there’d be Hell to pay.

Satan gave a sharp whistle and the Headless Horseman himself walked through the door, making a pointed effort to stoop for a door beam that he’d clear regardless. Satan, tossing a cage with the man’s head in it to himself, addressed the horse-bound man.

“I need Count Infernus’s record and last surviving record player. Take this pathetic bunch to his castle and get it for me. Succeed and you’ll be one step closer to earning this little thing back”

The Headless Horseman severely doubted that. Satan was fond of “contract extensions” as he liked to put it. But he didn’t really have a choice so, devoid of any other way to indicate assent, he gave Satan a thumbs-up. The Headless Horseman then swiftly turned and led the group out the door, being very sure to make another one-digit gesture towards Satan as he exited.

 

---

Meanwhile in Romania, Tee Bone and Deke had just landed in the village on the outskirts of Infernum Keep. It was just before midnight now, and Deke hoped they weren’t too late, as they had made a short detour to pick up Tee Bone’s guitar and suit on the way there.

Dismounting the bike, the duo began to make their way through the dilapidated buildings and crooked trees. Every shadow was a deep ebon, and it seemed like every corner could hold a demon. Deke was on edge. Tee Bone kept looking over his shoulder. As they walked, villagers shrank away from them, either in fear or awe.

 

But having passed through the village without incident, our heroes began to climb the hill that led to Count Infernus’s castle. Halfway up a wolf’s howl pierced the silence, and Tee Bone got the feeling they were being watched.

His unease didn’t subside when they reached the castle’s outer gate, finding that it had already been wrenched off its hinges. Tee Bone started to worry. The whole night was alive, but nothing had attacked them yet. He knew something was going to happen sooner or later, but the suspense was killing him.

Tee Bone did not have long to wait though. Mere seconds after the duo had reached the front gate, the sky split open, as eerie purple light bathed the entire world around them. Tee Bone squinted at the chasm in the sky, swearing he could see figures in it.

But they had bigger problems. With the aid of a set of binoculars, Deke had spotted five figures moving towards them at an alarming pace.

“Tee! We’re about to have company!”, he yelled to his left.

Snapping out of his stupor, Tee Bone took the binoculars from Deke and observed four knights and a headless horseman carving a path through the village. There was no doubt what was keeping the villagers indoors now.

“We can’t take them all at once”, Tee Bone flatly stated.

“I agree. We’ll have to lose them in the castle and take them out one by one”, Deke added.

The two men in agreement, they both turned and ran through the grand double doors to Count Infernus’s castle, immediately finding themselves in a large, grand hall.

“I’ll go right, you take left”, Deke said, not taking any time to marvel at their surroundings.

Tee Bone nodded, immediately heeding Deke’s words. Deke himself exited the hall through the second door on the right, finding himself in a stone hallway lacking furnishing. He cautiously continued on into the dim light. After a series of twists and turns he wasn’t sure he had memorised, he found himself in what appeared to be the armoury.

This was the first good news Deke had got since the CD and record fair. Taking a brief moment to consider his options, he selected a fairly lightweight shortsword that fit in well in his hand and continued searching for a good room to make a stand in, or the one that held the ancient record player. He wasn’t too fussed which one it was.

Elsewhere in the castle, Tee Bone was exploring the ornate corridors that made up the second floor. Countless paintings, candles and doors marked the path he had taken to now find himself in the massive castle library. And that wasn’t all he had found. Barely distinguishing itself from the statues around it, the living golden armour silently strode forward and drew its sword.

Deke had also encountered a statue. This one didn’t seem to be moving though. At least, not yet. Deke was also on the second floor now and had found Count Infernus’s personal office. Exquisitely furnished, and full of expensive trinkets, it was a picture of opulence.

But the curious item in the office was the grey statue at the end. Expertly sculpted, there was one thing amiss with it: it’s right hand, the sword hand, was at an odd, unnatural angle, actually breaking up the sculpt. Plus it was missing its sword. Deke knew exactly what this meant so, with no infernal warriors challenging him yet, he began scouring the office for clues.

 

Across the castle Tee Bone was locked in a ferocious battle with the golden armour. Both in possession of superhuman strength, they battered each other’s defences to no avail. But Tee Bone was still fighting a losing battle. His guitar could not survive much longer against the golden knight’s broadsword. He needed a guitar solo to end this quickly. But which one?

Then it hit him. The solo idea, not his opponent’s sword. Jumping backwards, he began to play. Simple, at first, but with each successive string of notes he raised the complexity and the speed. He was, in essence, turning up the heat.

And the armour was feeling it. With every note a flash of lightning shot from Tee Bone’s fingers, striking a point on the armour. And it turns out being comprised entirely of metal plates had its downsides when your opponent was basically casting the heat metal spell.

Mired in place by gloopy, half-melted greaves, The golden armour could only stand and watch helplessly as Tee Bone wound his arm up to strike a massive power cord that sent bits of melted armour splattering all over the walls. The armour was finally no more, but Tee Bone couldn’t rest on his laurels just yet. First, he had to extinguish his fingers, something he achieved shortly after with the liberal application of his powerful lung capacity.

Back in the office Deke had finally found what he was looking for. There were a number of photos on the desk, and the one currently in his hands had an image of some tall vampire lady on it and the words “To remember my visit by. Yours, Alcina”. Ugh. But, crucially, the photo had also been taken in the very room Deke was now in, and it showed the statue with a sword in its hands. What’s more, he had seen that sword before. Back in the armoury.

“Unbelievable”, Deke moaned, trying to remember the route back to the room of weapons.

Tee Bone was not having the best time either. No sooner had he left the library was he challenged by the Black Knight, who jumped down from the third floor, landing with an almighty thud. Tee Bone, tired and in need of a short rest, thought he’d try and stall with some diplomacy.

“C’mon now, you’ve nothing to gain from this. Let’s just save ourselves some trouble”, he said, quickly gathering his strength.

The negotiations were short. The Black Knight didn’t bite.

“Hush! You fool no one. You’re tired and weak. Prepare to face your maker!”, he boomed, drawing a greataxe and advancing on Tee Bone.

“Your funeral”, Tee Bone said, with a shrug. “I might just take your life.”

And he grabbed his guitar, preparing to do exactly that.

Having made it to the armoury without bumping into any knights, Deke went straight to the sword in the picture. It was a notched steel sword with an ebon blade and a cruel, jagged appearance.

Deke picked the sword up, instantly triggering a booby trap that sealed off the door he had used to enter. Fortunately, the architects of the castle had the foresight to engineer multiple ways to get to the weapons room, and Deke quickly found a hidden passage in the floor.

He turned his attention back to the sword in his hand. It was cool to touch, and it seemed like shadows pulsed and ebbed along its surface. There was no doubt that this was the sword he needed.

Wasting no time, he jumped down the trapdoor into the dank cellar. The splash of his landing echoed around the dark room.  He took a few steps forward toward the exit, signified by a light at the end of the tunnel he was in.

While it had initially appeared he was alone, he now knew that was not the case. The light at the end of the tunnel had been partially obscured by the silhouette of a man with a sword. Deke instinctively ducked behind a crate of wine bottles.

“Voux ne pouvez pas te cacher. Je vois tout”, the figure called out.

Emerging from behind the crate, Deke drew his sword and reluctantly engaged Nocturn Nuit.

“En guarde you canard!” he cried.

“Tête de merde”, the French knight muttered under his breath, meeting Deke’s challenge.

The two fought, and Deke immediately noticed a problem: he was not much of a swordsman. Though Deke’s eyes were adjusting to the dim light, the Frenchman knew he still had the advantage and he pressed hard.

But Deke still had his wits about him. Though Nocturn Nuit was anticipating his lunges and ripostes, Deke had something up his sleeve he knew the French knight wouldn’t’ see coming.

Jumping back a few steps, he tossed his sword up to himself, carefully caught the tip of the blade between his fingertips and hurled it dead-straight at Nocturn Nuit’s face. Half a second later the pommel struck the Frenchman straight between the eyes, and he fell to the ground unconscious.

Standing triumphant over his foe, Deke could not resist savouring his victory.

“Night night, night knight”

Chuckling to himself as he ran out of the cellar, he made his way back to the office without further incident, save for a stomach-turning shortcut through the kitchen. With everything he needed at hand, he placed the ebon-bladed sword in the statue’s hand. It settled itself in there like it had always belonged there. He followed this up by turning the statue’s hand back into its natural position. It came to rest with a satisfying click.

This was followed by several other clicks, thunks and grinding sounds that came from inside the statue and the walls of the room. When they had finally finished, an opening in the west side of the room had opened, with Infernus’s last record player sitting on a pedestal inside it.

Deke cautiously approached it. Despite not having not set off any more traps, he was on guard. He reached the pedestal and, keeping an eye on his surroundings, snatched the player and jumped back in one swift move. Nothing happened. Deke waited a few more seconds, and then let out a breath.

But he had no time to waste. The record player needed destroying, and he knew just the perfect way to do it. Hurrying back to the kitchen, he threw the player into a large cauldron of green liquid.

The result was immediate. The liquid inside the cauldron broiled and writhed, hissing as noxious smoke filled the room. The last Deke saw of it as he ran out of the room the contents of the cauldron had now overflowed, setting the room on fire.

 

Back on the second floor, the battle raged on. Tee Bone and the Black Knight were locked in fierce combat. So far Tee Bone had been able to dodge the swings of the knight’s greataxe, but his sonic blasts had been failed to unseat the dark warrior.

But then there was a twist in the tale. An opportunity had just opened up for him. The latest swing of the greataxe found the weapon lodged into one of the statues in the hall and, as the stone leaned on the axe, it was only getting tighter.

Tee Bone took immediate advantage, and fired a sonic blast right into the statue, sending the top half of the Spanish archer crashing down on top of his armoured foe, shattering into pieces as it struck him.

The effect was immediate. The evil knight was sent staggering, with a deep gouge in his chestplate. Wasting no time, Tee Bone followed this up by turning his guitar perpendicular to his body and sending off a fireball right into the Black Knight.

“Burn!”, he yelled triumphantly, as the blast found its mark.

Tee Bone continued his assault, battering the knight with blast after blast, and finally began to wear him down. The dark warrior cried out to his compatriots for help, but no one came. Tee Bone caught a look in the man-demon’s eye that he hadn’t seen yet: fear.

“No no no”, the knight softly spoke.

But it was only for an instant. The Black Knight had found his greataxe among the ruins of the fallen statue and got to his feet. No more than a living wreck by now, he resorted to feral swings in Tee Bone’s general direction.

But these we easy to anticipate, and Tee Bone effortlessly dodged them. This only enraged the Black Knight, who allowed himself to be manoeuvred right next to the railing that overlooked the lower hall.

And it was here that Tee Bone made the difficult decision. This was only ending one way now, and he had to face that fact. It was time to kill. Timing his next sonic blast with the latest swing of the greataxe, he sent the weapon flying skyward. He followed this up with a smashing hit across the Black Knight’s helmet, sending him flying over the railing to his death.

The battle was finally over, but the victory was not without its costs. In his hands Tee Bone now held the neck of his guitar, strings awry, and completely devoid of its head. Weakened by the battle with the golden armour, the final strike against the black knight’s head had shattered the instrument into the countless pieces that now lay at Tee Bone’s feet.

Mournful and fatigued, he tried to take a moment to catch his breath. But this was rudely interrupted by one of the doors behind him being thrown open.

“Now what!?” Tee Bone yelled. Turning to face his next opponent.

But it was only Deke, in a bit of a rush.

“Oh it’s good to see you buddy. What’ve you been up to?”, Tee Bone asked wearily.

“Fought some French knight and found the record player”, he replied between breaths for air.

“And that cloud of green smoke behind you?”, Tee Bone prompted.

“Destroyed the record player, but now there’s a fire in the basement”, Deke continued.

“Then we’re out of here”, Tee Bone confidently stated.

The two heroes turned to the doors in the grand hall that led to the outside world. Or, at least, they would have led there, had the Headless Horseman not been waiting quietly waiting and biding his time in front of them.

“The ramparts then”, Deke quickly said, and the turn men took an about face and headed for the third floor. The Headless Horsemen galloped after them, of course, but Deke was counting on this.

Soon enough, the three men found themselves standing atop the castle’s ramparts. What had once been a castle full of rascals had now been reduced to the elevated trio in question. (Bernard, of course, had wandered off to the village pub half an hour ago).

 

The purple light from earlier had disappeared, along with the crack in the sky that had created it, but in its place the green smoke billowing from the burning castle below them obscured their vision. Well, Tee Bone and Deke’s visions. The Headless Horseman seemed unaffected, charging directly at the two heroes.

Two worn-down and tired heroes who didn’t have the energy or the armaments to take on the speeding cavalryman bearing down on them.

So they did the exact opposite of what anyone expected. They jumped of the edge of the ramparts. Well, perhaps “jumped” isn’t the best word, because moments later Tee Bone was flying away from the burning fortress with Deke in tow holding on to his cape.

And the Headless Horsemen finally realised how he’d been fooled. He spun around to look at the door back to the castle, but it had been completely obscured by the thick smoke all around.

Unable to escape the ramparts without becoming a splattered mess on the ground below, he sat and waited, savouring the brief moments he had spent in the realm of the living before the fires of hell claimed him once more.

Back in the village, Tee Bone let Deke dropped off to recover his bike. He hung in the air for a moment, contemplating.

“What should we do with the Infernum record then?” He asked, thinking of El Moustachio back in Australia.

“Well it’s little more than an old trinket now”, Deke said. “And I think I know just the man who’d appreciate it. But what about your guitar?.”

“Finished”, Tee Bone replied. “I’ll have to do without it for the meantime, while we look for another one.”

And so Deke took a detour on the way back to Thunder Bay, picking up the Infernum record from Australia and dropping it off to a certain Snowman in America. Upon his return to Deke’s Palace, the Scotch flowed liberally as the two friends celebrated their triumph over evil.

And Satan, so thoroughly beaten now, and with no hope of a quick conquest of the Earth, sat and sulked, turning his sights towards other worlds.