office humour

#1116: Oh, the Boss is Coming!

RECORD STORE TALES #1116: Oh, the Boss is Coming!

Oh, the boss is coming!You better look busy,They’re not paying you for nothing!

— ARKELLS

If there’s time to lean,
There’s time to clean.

— THE BOSS AT THE RECORD STORE “The Beat Goes On”

They used to call it “fucking the dog”.  I don’t know what vernacular the youth of today use, but that’s what we used to call slacking off on the job:  dog fucking.

I have known some expert dog fuckers in my day.  I know one guy who had taken it to a fine art.  I won’t tell you any details about this fine young man, except to say he was a maestro of dog fucking.   He was the Bach, the Beethoven, of slacking off on the job.  Let’s call him Smart Guy.  He truly was a smart guy, which is one reason he was able to get so much paid free time at work.  He was no dummy.  But man, he had a system!

Smart Guy had a different boss from me.  Everyone liked him.  He was pretty grounded for a guy who was destined for big things.  He worked in a small room, with a friend of mine.  Because of this, I heard things and that’s why I can tell this story.

I learned from Smart Guy that Honda Civics were very popular with his age group because they were easy to customize.  I had no interest in this, but I took interest for the sake of conversation.  I’d stroll into their room, and Smart Guy would be on eBay looking for Civic parts.  Maybe a fender, maybe hubcabs, maybe a spoiler, I don’t know.  He was always shopping for car parts.

He was also very tech-savvy.  For example he figured out how to send coded messages to my printer, in an effort to freak me out.  He was also very playful.  He printed out numerous pictures of clowns and hid them all over his room.  Sort of a calling card for after he left.  I had to find all those clowns when he eventually did move on to bigger things!

So how did he get away with it?  By being a fast, efficient worker, and always having one project complete at all times — just not handed in.

So, if his boss walked in and he was fucking the dog, he’d just hand him a completed piece of work.  “I’m all done this project, here you go!”

“Oh, thanks Smart Guy!  Great.  OK, I’ll leave you to your work.”

That was it.  Pretty smart guy, eh?

Sunday Chuckle: Meet meet you in the Ladies Room

For those who follow my civilian life on Facebook, you know I’ve moved offices more than once in the past year.  Three times in fact!  Last week, I settled into my new space for the first time.  Probably the nicest office of the three I occupied so far.

Even though many people are gone, some still have a sense of humour…as you can tell from the photo below!

 

 

Sunday Chuckle: Office Christmas with Axes and Bitches

I don’t know what kind of workplace books Max the Axe and Nancy Vicious and the Nasty Bitches for their office Christmas party!?  The kind I want to work at, obviously.  Here’s Max’s lead singer Uncle Meat with the lowdown.

Sunday Chuckle: Contain Yourself!

I catch a little bit of flak at work due to the size of my tupperware containers.  OK, they are large, I admit it!  When it comes to tupperware, for me it’s the bigger the better.  I don’t need a bowl or a plate.  I can eat my food right out of it.  They tease me about it because I don’t eat much for lunch and the container is so much larger than any of the food inside.

On Thursday, I found a printout on my printer.  Somebody specifically took this picture, added the dimensions, and then went to the trouble of printing it directly and anonymously to my printer!

All in good fun of course!  I eventually tracked down the culprit.  I found this prank hilarious — I hope you do too!

 

Sunday Chuckle: The Backwards Man

There’s a young guy at work who consistently makes me laugh.  He’s uber-intelligent and quirky and does something weekly that just slays me.

For example, he makes sound effects.  Sometimes he’s a UFO.  The other week he was a pterodactyl.  Once he was making sounds and proclaimed, “I’m a propeller!”

The most recent incident happened in the lunch room.  I was sitting there beginning to consume my reheated-whatever, when in he walked…backwards.  Right to the fridge, reaching behind him trying to open it and get his lunch.  I’m sitting there in stitches, unable to eat!

I kept bugging him about it over the following days, calling him “The Backwards Man”.

“I only did that for like 10 seconds!” he protested.

That was a damn funny 10 seconds, man!