THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN CHAPTER XII: LOST IN SPACE
Thunder Bay: the dead of winter. A blizzard is roaring strong, and the Great White North is living up to its name. The lair door at Deke’s Palace slams open, and the cold and the snow comes rushing in. As do Tee Bone Man and Superdekes, exhausted from another superhero save. This time it was an easy one: a moose was on the loose inside a liquor store. No way were Tee Bone Man and Superdekes going to let a moose destroy any whiskey or scotch…or heck, any alcoholic beverage that they could one day consume. They each plop down on the couch and open a brand new bottle of their favourite beverage. Gifts from the store owner as a thank-you for their assistance. The two heroes kick back.
Superdekes exclaimed, “Damn, that was sure fun. I didn’t know you could ride a moose, Tee Bone”.
Tee Bone admitted the truth. “I don’t! That dang creature picked me up by the horns and threw me on his back. I just went along for the ride. I can’t believe I lasted a full eight seconds. Maybe I should take up bull riding.”
“Well, you are good at slinging bull…well, you know, I don’t think that qualifies you!” laughed Superdekes.
After only a few minutes of drinking, the buzz started building and they started reminiscing about their most awesome adventures, from Sasquatch, to Satan, to time travel.
Tee Bone even thought momentarily about that damn squirrel, but he didn’t bring that one up to Superdekes, preferring to let it burrow silent trauma deep within his psyche. That would be better in the long run, he reasoned.
Superdekes asked Tee Bone, “Hey, remember that idiot that had a Snowman army? You know, the guy that looked like Richard Dreyfuss. What a doofus, but man does he give generous Christmas gifts!” Deke was looking at the statement he received for his share of Mr. Big’s earnings, courtesy of a coerced Billy Sheehan and facilitated by the Snowman.
“Of course I remember him. The Snowman! He gave me the original Frankenstrat. I wonder what kind of trouble he is getting into these days…” Tee Bone pondered as his phone began to ring.
“There it is,” said Deke dryly.
Previously that day, in a bright and sunny California, The Snowman was sitting in dingy booth inside a greasy pit of a diner…his favourite sort of place. He liked to mix with the riff raff. Snowman couldn’t find a Waffle House, so this would have to do. It was another glorious day in Los Angeles. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect and the Snowman was getting ready to negotiate a deal with Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley to buy “The Warehouse”: the Kiss Warehouse, full of everything Kiss from over the years loaded with costumers, to guitars, to drums and stage equipment, to name a few things. It was his dream to own it, and since he had more money than sense…he was ready to fulfil that dream.
The waitress approached. She was smoking hot. Snowman gazed at her tight short skirt, and open blouse with enough cleavage showing to satisfy any man or woman and to generate nice big tips. Her hair was golden and sunkissed just right. She was probably an actress, as all waiters and waitresses in L.A. were. She smiled that big, friendly smile and said “Dang, has any one told you that you look like Richard Dreyfuss?”
“No, I can’t say that anyone has,” The Snowman responded, knowing full well that everyone has.
“I think you are him! You are playing with me aren’t you,” she sassed back.
“I’m afraid not and I can prove it,” he responded.
“Yeah, how’s that?” she asked.
“Well, for starters, that is Richard Dreyfuss walking in the door right now,” The Snowman said, quite stunned.
And sure enough, the bell rang on the front door and in walked The Richard Dreyfuss. But he seemed preoccupied, almost in a zombie state. He walked right up to the Snowman’s table and sat down in the booth. He turned to the waitress, staring at her chest, and she asked, “Can I get you anything Mr. Dreyfuss?”
“Mashed Potatoes! And lots of them,” Richard said robotically. He turned to the Snowman and said “They’re coming again. They will be here soon.”
The Snowman nodded and said rather questionably “Okay? Are you alright Mr. Dreyfuss? Can I help you with anything?”. Richard said nothing. The waitress returned with the mashed potatoes and put them in front of Richard. He immediately reached in and started mushing them around and building what looked like a mountain. The Snowman knew he has encountered that before at least three times, but couldn’t place it.
The weather outside started changing. Clouds were moving in, the wind was blowing harder and harder. The sky was getting darker and darker. Then flames started shooting down from the sky. Something was landing in the parking lot of the diner! With a loud bang and a whoosh of smoke, everything suddenly froze. Nothing moved. Everyone was frozen in place…everyone except Richard Dreyfuss and the Snowman. The Snowman reached for his phone and speed-dialed Tee Bone Man and Superdekes. He didn’t raise it to his ear, but left it in his pocket so they could hear what was going on…when and if they answered!
In through the door came several little green men…seriously! They were little and green! They looked like Marvin the Martian, and the Snowman was half expecting Bugs Bunny to come sauntering in after them. They stopped in front of their table and spoke in plain English which freaked the Snowman out. “We are here for Richard Dreyfuss! And since we don’t know which one of you is Richard Dreyfuss, we are taking you both with us back to Mars.”
Martians! The Snowman laughed and said, “Like hell you are, you little green pile of sh…” but before he could finish that line, the Martian pulled out a phaser and shot them both, leaving them unconscious. The bad thing for the real Richard Dreyfuss was that his head collapsed into the mountain of mashed potatoes. The Snowman’s head just banged hard on the table, probably making him even dumber than he already was. It was going to leave a mark.
The lead Martian said to his cohorts, “Grab them and take them to our ship. We have what we need to finalize our plan. Let’s get them back to Mars. It is time to put the plan in motion, as we take over Earth. Everyone will bow to us and worship us. We will be Kings of this world,” as he stepped up on the booth with his arms held out wide like Leo from Titanic. However his minions had already left, and no one was around anymore to hear him bantering on or witness his embarassing posturing. He got down, feeling pretty silly.
The alien spaceship took off, but luckily the Snowman’s phone was still in his pocket, and Tee Bone Man and Superdekes heard everything. As the ship vanished, everyone in the restaurant and surrounding area unfroze and went on their day as if nothing happened.
Tee Bone and Superdekes sat in stunned silence in their lair, listening to the call. They couldn’t believe what was happening. Superdekes broke the silence. ”How the heck do we help them? We can’t go into space. We don’t have any of that kind of tech.”
Tee Bone grinned and said, “Well, that isn’t actually true. Remember at Christmas, when the Snowman came by with gifts? You asked me about that envelope he handed me?”
“I have a drunken stupor memory of that…I think.” Deke answered. “What was in that envelope?”
Tee Bone Man reached into the utility belt of his uniform, and removed from a small pouch, an American Express Black Card.
“This,” explained Tee Bone Man, “is not a credit card. Hold up your phone.”
Deke held up his phone, and Tee Bone placed the card over the screen, which suddenly went black. After it flashed white, it now presented a map.
“What the…?” asked Deke. “What’s this a map to? That Snowman has more money than sense.”
“You’re right, but this time, maybe he was on the right track. The Snowman was worried about what would happen if we ever had visitors from outer space, and how we would be able to defend Earth. I think he’d watched The Avengers one too many times. Him thinking he was Tony Stark or something. He said he was having visions, like Richard Dreyfuss had in that space movie. He was obsessed with defending Earth from aliens. I tried convincing him to put his money into some mutual funds, but I couldn’t talk him out of this. So, we’ve been building something, just in case we had to go into space. Now keep in mind, the Snowman is a little bizarre, but I think you will like what we built. Get on your flying bike. We’re going for a ride.”
Tee Bone Man strapped his new genuine Australian boomerang to his back, while Superdekes stored his new Balls of Steel in his backpack. Deke mounted his ride, and Tee Bone took to the air, as they followed the signal on Deke’s phone. It was taking them miles away, near the US/Canada border. Tee Bone Man began his descent and spotted a small concrete bunker in a hidden clearing. Superdekes landed nearby.
They regrouped at the bunker, just shoulder height, with a concrete door in the side they faced. To the right of the door was a small recess, and in that recess was a statue of what looked like Richard Dreyfuss. Tee Bone lifted the head of the Dreyfuss statue, inserted the card in the mouth, and pushed the button underneath. The door slid open to reveal a flight of stairs that went down below their ground.
Deke exclaimed, “What the Fu@#!”
They descended the steps into a vast hanger, filled with all sorts of electronic equipment and two massive ships. One was an exact replica of an X-Wing fighter and the other was a TIE Interceptor, as the Snowman loved his Star Wars. Talk about mixing up his movie franchises! Tee Bone addressed his friend. “Don’t be mad that I didn’t include you! The Snowman said I had to keep it a secret, until we needed to do this. He paid for everything, and we had the best scientists involved, as he spared no expense. What a sucker! But dang if they don’t actually work! Get ready for the ride of your life.”
Deke asked, “Cool! Which one do I get?” as he ran towards the X-Wing.
“I guess you get that one,” answered Tee Bone Man.
They each got in their ships, flipped a few very switches and started the engines.
“It sure is a good thing the controls are simple,” said a relieved Tee Bone. “Just like the old Atari 2600 back home.”
“Snowman is kinda a simpleton,” shrugged Deke.
Richard Dreyfus and the Snowman were being escorted down a gleaming silver passage by two Marians with phasers. They weren’t restrained, which seemed odd, but where the heck were they going to run to if they escaped? A set of doors slid open with a whoosh, and standing there was something they never dreamt of seeing. Or someone. Their mouths fell open and slammed into the floor.
There in the fat flesh was Donald J. Trump. But was it really? Something was off.
Standing next to Don was the head Martian. “Welcome to Mars,” he said. “You are brought here because Richard Dreyfuss is the greatest American actor in the universe. And we have a problem. We have cloned Donald Trump, but we can’t get him to act like the real Donald Trump, the self-absorbed narcissist.”
The Trump clone came up to Dreyfuss and the Snowman and asked, “How are you guys? I appreciate you taking time out of your day to come to help me. That is the nicest thing!” And with that, it was patently obvious that it wasn’t the real Trump.
The alien stated, “We need you, with your incredible acting talent, to teach him how to act like Donald Trump.”
The Snowman quickly retorted, “Well, he’s missing the stupid red ball cap first and foremost.” Snowman strolled up to Trump’s clone, and started trying to teach him how to act like Trump. Not being a very good actor, all he sounded like was William Shatner, and he emphasized every other word as if it was super important.
The main Martian screamed “STOP, STOP, STOP!! You are not the real Richard Dreyfuss! That was horrendous! You might look like Richard Dreyfuss, but you sound like William Shatner! Not a good actor. Guards, get rid of him!!”
With that, the guards grabbed the Snowman and threw him outside an airlock, where he was surprised to find he could breathe the thin, cold Martian atmosphere. He saw a bright area of red dirt not far away, with a pair of legs sticking out of a hole in the ground. Snowman was followed by two Martian guards, who grabbed his arms. “Oh my goodness, they are going to bury me upside down in the dirt with my legs sticking out!” The Snowman started trying to break free and escape, but their grip was too tight and strong. There was nothing he could do. The guards tossed him head first into a hole. Before he was completely buried, he heard some explosions.
Coming in from above were two space fighters, firing lasers everywhere they could. Things were blowing up left and right. Superdekes shouted over the radio, “Red Five going in.”
Tee Bone Man sighed, “Really, we are going with that.? What are we, 12 year olds?”
“I’m flying an actual X-Wing Fighter, I can be whatever I want to be”, Superdekes explained with gleeful enthusiasm.
Two Martian ships came after them on an intercept course, and a vicious dog fight ensued. The spaceships were flying by each other at breakneck speeds. Laser cannons fired and just missed Tee Bone Man. He laughed and reversed course hard, getting the one ship in his crosshairs. He opened fire.
BOOOM!! The Martian ship was toast.
Superdekes swiftly got the upper hand on the other ship, which flew upside down over him. Dekes took a picture with his camera phone and shot them the bird! He then dropped back and blew the ship out of the sky. It was a crazy, maverick thing to do.
With both Martian ships destroyed, Superdekes and Tee Bone Man came in for a landing. Before exiting, Tee Bone Man warned Superdekes, “Look in the compartment on your right. Open it up and take what’s in there. You’ll love it.” Superdekes did as he was told, and inside were a phaser, and an honest-to-God actual working lightsaber.
They both jumped down from their ships and immediately took on enemy fire. Shots were landing all around them. They both fired back and then looked at each other and lit their lightsabers. Deke’s was green. Tee Bone’s was blue. Battle was rough at first, as an untrained Tee Bone man singed a little of his hair with the first swing. More shots came and they both blocked them with the lightsabers.
“This is amazing” Tee Bone Man screamed. “I feel invincible,” as he cut through the Martians like a hot knife through butter!
“Does this count as murder?” asked Deke. Tee Bone shrugged. The carnage went on for only minutes, as they seemed to have killed all the Martians and all was suddenly quiet. They disengaged their sabers.
Tee Bone Man looked over to his left and saw two pairs of legs dangling out of the dirt and exclaimed “What in Gordie Howe’s holy name is that?” Superdekes shrugged but went over to look.
The pair dug out the first person, and it wasn’t the Snowman. It was a balding gentleman with a goatee and glasses caked with Martian dirt. Superdekes exclaimed “Dude! Who the heck are you, and how did you get Buried on Mars?”
“My name is Kevin,” he said, cleaning himself off. “I was doing a podcast for a review on a Richard Dreyfuss movie and I said what a horrible actor he was. The next thing I knew everything went black, and I was upside down in a hole. I didn’t even know I was on Mars!”
“Dude you were Buried on Mars!” said Tee Bone as he dug up the next set of legs. Thankfully, it was the Snowman. Tee Bone Man exclaimed, “What the heck is going on?”
The Snowman caught them up the best he could, which wasn’t very good. He told the pair, “We have to go save Richard Dreyfuss. He’s inside with a clone of Donald Trump!” Everyone looked shocked or stupefied, not sure which.
The Buried on Mars fellow, Kevin, spoke up. “Richard Dreyfuss is here? Did he do this to me?” The Snowman said that it was Martians and told him everything that had happened, but Kevin was still too stunned to follow it all. Kevin blinked in confusion. “I’m just going to wait over here,” he pointed to a rock.
The other three rushed into the building, Tee Bone Man and Superdekes leading the way with their lightsabers. They met no resistance from any Martians. The base was not heavily fortified. They all assumed the Earthlings couldn’t reach Mars. Our group came to the room they were looking for, and the doors opened again with a whoosh. Standing in side was Richard Dreyfuss, doing his best Donald Trump impressions for the clone. The clone appeared to be catching on.
The lead Martian was in the room with them, and managed to grab Superdekes’ lightsaber with his mind. It flew it in the air to his own hands. The disarmed Deke took his Balls of Steel from his backpack and took up a defensive stance. Unless they were made of Vibranium, chances are that the lightsaber would cut them in half. Even then, Deke was not too sure about the cutting power of lightsabers. It was never consistent in the fiction!
Tee Bone Man prepared to duel. Then, he remembered he had his phaser, set to kill. Trying to pose like Indiana Jones, he drew it swiftly and shot the Martian dead in a single blast.
“Well that was easy” Tee Bone Man said with a smile, and blew the smoke from the barrel. “I didn’t even have to use my boomerang on this mission.”
The clone approached Superdekes and Tee Bone Man. “How are you guys? I appreciate you taking time out of your day to come and help me. That is the nicest thing.”
They both were a little freaked out and said confusedly, ”You’re welcome?”
The Snowman turned to Superdekes and Tee Bone Man. ”Can we keep him? We could replace Trump with this nice guy, and maybe the world could finally be great again.”
They looked at each other and mumbled, “What an idiot!” Tee Bone tried to explain. “That’s not a bad idea in theory…. Are we sure Snowman’s not the clone?” he laughed. “But no…can’t do it, Snowman. Two Trumps on Earth, there would be chaos like you’ve never seen. Can you imagine the conspiracy people?” Tee Bone turned to the clone. “Sorry, but this is where you belong.”
Trump answered, “That’s fine, I don’t mind, just as long as you’re all safe.”
Tee Bone and Deke escorted everyone out to their ships, but there was a slight problem. The X-Wing and TIE Interceptor could carry just one person each. How were they going to get everyone back? They looked around and eventually found a Martian spacecraft they hadn’t blown up, and borrowed it for a short while. Who are we kidding, they stole it. They were not going to return it.
Superdekes and Tee Bone Man climbed into their ships, while Richard Dreyfuss, Kevin and the Snowman headed to the other ship. “Can anyone fly one of these?” asked Snowman of his crew. Fortunately, Kevin had plenty of gaming experience and figured it out in short order. But before the door closed on his ship, the Snowman grabbed the Donald Trump clone, and pulled him so quickly that Tee Bone Man and Superdekes couldn’t see. With Kevin in the pilot seat, flanked by Snowman and Trump, and Dreyfuss behind at the tailguns, the pilot and passengers prepared for space flight! Kevin pushed some buttons and activated the thrust. With that, the three ships launched for Earth, and home. The Trump clone smiled a dumb smile the whole way back.
Two months later, Tee Bone and Dekes were in their lair drinking…no surprise there! A breaking news story suddenly flashed on the TV screen. The broadcaster announced “Two hours ago, Former President Donald Trump had fallen, banged his head and was found unconscious. He is currently being treated at the at General Hospital. We are going live to the hospital with an update from his doctors.”
Instead of doctors coming to the podium, it was Donald Trump himself. He says, “‘Thank you all for coming, I appreciate the help from the doctors as they were wonderful. The smartest doctors in the world. If you ever get hurt, you want to come get help from these doctors. They are the best. But it is easy to be the best when you are working on the best because that is me. I’m fine and cleared to go home. There is no concussion, and all is well.”
A slight pause and then he added “How are you guys? I appreciate you taking time out of your day to come and check on me. That is the nicest thing.”
Tee Bone Man and Superdekes’ eyes got really wide, and Superdekes asked, ”You don’t think Snowman switched them out, do you?”
They both shook their head, “Nah. Impossible.”
THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN: PHASE ONE
Chapter Zero: Tee Bone Man – Origins (by LeBrain) Coming March 2023
Chapter One: A Friend in Need (by LeBrain)
Chapter Three: Hell Ain’t A Bad Place to Be (by LeBrain)
Chapter Six: Tee Bone Man Goes to Camp (by LeBrain)
Chapter Seven: The Revenge of Common Knowledge (by LeBrain)
Chapter Nine: Castle Communications (by Harrison Kopp)
Chapter Ten: The Case of the Lost Iron Maiden Socks (by LeBrain)
Chapter Twelve: Lost In Space (by John T. Snow)
Chapter Thirteen: Clip Show (by LeBrain) Coming February 2023
THE EXTENDED LEBRAINIVERSE
The Advenures of Edie Van Heelin’: Edie and the Quest for the Lost Lego (By LeBrain with Harrison Kopp)
The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’: Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation (By LeBrain) Coming soon