The Adventures of Tee Bone Man: The Death of Edie Van Heelin’

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN
PHASE TWO: THE MULTIVERSE SAGA


Chapter Twenty: The Death of Edie Van Heelin’

Edie Van Heelin’ roared through the sky.  Her rocket boots firing, and hair perfectly straight regardless of the wind, she was incoming fast!

“Hey Tee Bone Man!” she shouted into her radio.  “Catch!”

Tee Bone Man and Superdekes were flying in formation with her, Edie in the lead with the other two following.

“Catch what?” asked a puzzled Tee Bone Man.

Edie threw a flask at him, which he caught handily.

“I think you’ll like this!” she explained.  “It’s Scotch-infused green tea!”

Tee Bone smiled.  “Ahh, science.  What won’t it think of next?”  Tee Bone downed some of the tea, pouring the rest into his guitar’s audio jack.  The instrument glowed with nuclear power as it absorbed the essence of Scotch.

“You guys all set?” asked Superdekes impatiently from his flying motorcycle.

“The Northern Lights are ready to rock!” answered Tee Bone.  “Let’s do this!”

Today’s mission was a rather simple one.  The Guitar Center in California had been robbed!  12 valuable Telecasters and 14 vintage Les Pauls had been stolen.  Fortunately the shop owner had the foresight to put trackers on his most valuable instruments.  Tracing them to their current location was easy as pie, especially with Deke’s technology on their side!

“Dead ahead!” pointed Deke, to a patch of rocks in the California mountains.  “A cave, I’ll bet!”

“Then let’s pay Mr. Caveman a visit.  You ready Edie?” asked Tee Bone.

“I never was much of a Flintstones fan,” she answered.  “Let’s kick some behinds!”  Tee Bone and Deke laughed.  They always found it amusing how Edie refused to swear!

The trio soared down, down, down to the mountains below, and easily spotted a large cave in the side of one tall peak.  Tee Bone and Edie landed easily on a cliff face.  Deke, on the other hand, was without a runway.

“Sorry guys,” said Deke into his radio.  “I have nowhere to land.  I’ll have to circle around up here and watch for aerial threats.”

“Keep your eyes on the sky, we got this down here!” answered Tee Bone.

Edie and Tee stood at the mouth of a large, dark cave.  Edie activated a light on her smartglasses and the pair entered, cautiously.  Before them was a door.  A solid steel door, bolted shut, with no obvious way to open it.

“That’s not suspicious at all,” joked Edie.  “I got this.  Stand back!”

Edie took several steps backwards, leaned forward, and took a deep breath.  Eyes straight ahead, she ignited her rocket boots with a whoosh!  Like a flash, she slammed into the steel door, easily knocking it off its hinges.

“Nice one!” shouted Tee.  “Deke, we’re in!” he radioed to his friend.

“Copy that!” answered Deke.  Edie, meanwhile, was fussing over something.

“Oh, shoot,” she huffed.  “I broke a nail!”

“You also broke a solid steel door, so I wouldn’t sweat the small stuff!” encouraged Tee Bone.  “Let’s go!”

Edie smiled and rushed through the door.  What she saw on the other side shocked her.  Tee Bone joined her, mouth agape.  Before them was a hockey player with a large, unusual nose, wearing a Boston Bruins jersey.  He resembled a rat.  A rat wearing the number 63.  He sat there on the cave floor, surrounded by guitars…crying.

“Brad Marchand?” asked Tee.  “Is that you?”

“Go away!” shooed the rat-like man.  “Leave me alone!”

Edie then leaned over him.  “Aww, poor thing.  Why are you crying, sweetie?”

Suddenly Marchand burst into emotion.  “I wanted to be the best at something!  I thought if I stole these guitars…I could be the best!  Better than you!  But playing guitar isn’t as easy as cheating at hockey.  I just want to go home!”

Tee Bone could not believe what he was hearing.  “You stole all these guitars…decided you couldn’t play them…and now you want to go home??” asked an incredulous Tee Bone.

Brad Marchand wiped his eyes.  “Yes, please.”

He wasn’t getting off that easy.  Edie was not impressed.  “Too bad, Brad!” (She turned to Tee Bone to make sure she got his name right.  Tee nodded in the affirmative.)  “You committed a crime, and criminals must pay!  You’re coming with us!”

Tee Bone radioed Deke.  “We have the culprit.  And you won’t believe who it is.”

Deke laughed into his radio.  “Based on that, it’s either Billy Sheehan or Brad Marchand…”

“Damn!” huffed Tee.  “Got it on your second guess!   He has surrendered — we are taking him in.”

“That was easy!” said Superdekes.  “Didn’t even break a sweat.  Day off tomorrow as we agreed, regardless?”

“Day off tomorrow,” confirmed Tee Bone.  “Nothing’s going to stop that.  You got this, Edie?”

Edie Van Heelin’ had Brad Marchand well in hand.  Igniting her rocket boots, she was ready to go.  “I’ll take him straight to the NHL headquarters, and I’ll return all these guitars.  No problem!  No day off tomorrow for me though…doing a podcast with Fanboy Mike about my new album!”

“Say hi to Brainiac for us!” said Deke.  “Let’s head home, Tee!”

With that, the heroes went their separate ways.

The next day, Tee Bone and Superdekes were in party mode.

“Hey pal!” shouted Superdekes from across the room.  “Throw on some Leppard!”

Tee Bone Man, glasses perched upon his nose, looked up.  “I’ll throw on the Leppard, you grab the Scotch!”  Tee Bone selected High ‘N’ Dry, dusted off the vinyl, and gingerly placed it upon the turntable.  With great care he dropped the needle.  Side two:  “Lady Strange”.  Deke nodded in approval.

It was a day off at Deke’s Palace.  The boys agreed to do absolutely no super-heroing on this day.  They’d been working non-stop and knew all too well the dangers of overdoing things.  Tee Bone was going to be due for another vacation at camp soon, but a day off was just what the doctor ordered.

And then the record started skipping.

“Lady Strange, Lady Strange, I want you, Lady Strange, Lady Strange, I need…need…need…need…”

Deke and Tee Bone looked at each other surreptitiously, trying to ignore it.

“Ahh, shit!” said Deke.  “Danger vibes.  On our day off.”

“Can’t we just ignore it this time?” begged Tee Bone.  “There are other superheroes, remember?  You said it yourself.  Let another member of the Northern Lights handle this one.  Maybe Snowman.  Let him take the X-Wing.”

Deke sighed.  “You’re right.  I’ll text Snowman to check it out.”  But just as he picked up the phone…it rang.

“That’s not good,” said Tee Bone with a sense of impending doom.

Deke answered.  “Deke’s Palace…Superdekes on the line…”

“Hey Deke,” came a shaking voice on the other end.  “It’s me.  Brainiac.”

“Brainiac!!  Here let me put you on speaker phone.  What’s wrong man?  You don’t sound good,” said Deke with concern.

“It’s Edie.  She’s…in trouble.  I need your help.”

Without a second’s hesitation, Tee Bone was standing and going to grab his uniform and guitar.  Deke was also standing, ready to act.

“Tell us the story man, what happened?” asked Deke.

“I need to get to Glendora, California, right away,” answered Brainiac.  “Right now.  I’ve lost all communications with her.  Cut off.  Completely black.  She’s in trouble.  We have to get there, fast.”

Deke was already in the garage.  “Perfect time to try out the DekeCopter.  I’ll be there in one hour.”

Tee Bone Man emerged fully caped and ready to fly.  “Let’s do this.”

California

Edie Van Heelin’ was helpless.  For the first time since she became a superhero, she was truly and utterly helpless.

Trapped in her Shoe Shed, locked inside like a prison.  No rocket boots.  No animals.  A dampening field had been erected around the entire area, blocking her telepathy.  She never saw it coming!  The rocket boots were in the garage for scheduled maintenance, with the rest of her weapons and gadgets.  She was completely off guard.  She only went to the Shoe Shed to work on a live stream with Fanboy Mike, when suddenly the internet was cut.  Then, a force field zapped into place, locking her inside.  If she had her rocket boots, or guitar, or even a raccoon, she could be out of here in no time.

It had been several hours.  She sat barefoot on the floor, meditating, helpless as never before, with only hope to keep her going.  Hope that Mike would get through.  Hope that help would arrive, before she ran out of oxygen.  She practiced her breathing.  Keeping it slow and steady, and fell into a deep state of calm.

“Help me Fanboy Mike…you’re my only hope…”

“I hear you, Edie,” said Mike to himself as sat alone in the passenger compartment of the DekeCopter.  His goggles fogged up as he fought back tears.  The thought of his friend, always so freewilled and good spirited…now locked in a cage… it was too much to bear.  He caught sight of Tee Bone Man, black stealth guitar in hand, flying beside them.  Tee Bone Man gave him a thumbs up through the window.

“It’s gonna be OK Brainiac,” he buzzed over the radio.  “We’re almost there.”

“Thanks buddy,” he radioed back.  “She was in the Shoe Shed when we lost contact.  That’s her last known coordinates.”

“Shoe Shed??” asked Tee Bone.

“Yeah, don’t ask,” sighed Mike.

Deke then buzzed them both from the cockpit.  “Guys…the energy readings coming from that shed are off the charts.  I’ve never seen anything like it before.  It’s going to take everything we have to get through that shield.”

Tee Bone radioed back.  “Good thing we happened to bring everything we have.  I’m going in!”  The superhero dove quickly toward the ground, and the large Shoe Shed directly ahead.  With a steely look in his eye, Tee Bone readied his guitar.  He paused a moment, tuned the “E” string a little higher, and aimed.  With a mighty strum, Tee Bone assaulted the shield with a sonic blast that shook the entire neighbourhood.

Deke radioed.  “That did something!  Shields down to 90%!”

“Then if I still remember my highschool math, that means I only need to hit it nine more times before it’s down!” shouted Tee Bone back, as he readied another shot from the sky.

Watching this from the window, Mike wondered, “Where’s Mr. Van Heelin’?”

“What’s that Mike?” asked Deke from the cockpit.

“Nothing,” he answered.

“You better get ready,” advised Deke.  “You know the plan.  You OK?  You got this?”

“I got this,” said Mike as he stood and strapped on a safety harness.

Tee Bone, meanwhile, kept assaulting the shield with his massive power chords.  “It’s almost down!” he announced as the shield visibly shimmered below.  “Get into position!”

“Roger roger,” said Mike as he attached a cable to his safety harness.  “Safety first…” he whispered to himself, one of Edie’s favourite sayings.  “Don’t worry Edie.  We’ll be drinking tea together soon enough.  I know it.”

Inside the Shoe Shed, hearing the DekeCopter, Edie Van Heelin’ was ready to spring into action.  Her rescue was imminent!  She was ready.

“I knew Mike would come through,” she said.  “He’s never let me down.”

Without her rocket boots, she was at a disadvantage.  With the added loss of her animal allies, she had never been in this much danger before.  In her bare feet she stood, waiting for the force field keeping her inside to drop.  Through the shed windows, she could see it shimmer as it withstood shot after shot from Tee Bone’s mighty weapon.

“One more shot!” shouted Tee Bone as he blasted the shield a final time.  There was a bright flash of white, and then suddenly, the shed was vulnerable!

“Edie!  Edie!  Can you hear me?” shouted Mike into his microphone.  “Stand by!  Tee Bone’s gonna blast a hole in the roof and then I’m getting you out there!”

The radio crackled.

“Oh Mike!” cried Edie.  “I knew you’d come.  Just like you said you always would!”

“I’m here,” he comforted.  “It’ll only be a second.”

Suddenly the roof of the Shoe Shed was vaporized by Tee Bone’s electric harmony.  On cue, Mike leaped from the helicopter, the cable attached to his safety harness keeping him from becoming a splatter on the ground.  In a blur, he was there on the floor of the Shoe Shed standing before Edie.

“Hey, rock star,” he winked.  “What are you waiting for?  Let’s go!”

With a kiss on the cheek, she jumped on his back and held on tight.  “I knew you’d come for me.”

“Take us up!” Mike radioed to Deke.  The cable slowly retracted, and the pair rose out of the shed and into the air.

An alarm went off in the cockpit of the DekeCopter.  “Shit!!  Guys, that shield is going back up!!”

“Oh, no!” whispered Mike, as a mighty force nearly knocked him right out of his safety harness.  Edie fell.

“Mike!!” she screamed as he reached out his hand, catching hers in his.

“I got you Edie!!” yelled Mike.  “Tee Bone!  Need an assist here!”

“Copy that!” said Tee as he flew lower to help his friends.  The force field tried to assert itself again, and it blasted Tee Bone back.

Mike felt his grip becoming more and more tenuous.  One finger at a time, Edie was slipping away from him.

“Hang on Edie!  Please hang on!”

With pleading in her doe eyes, she wordlessly begged him not to let go.

The last finger slipped.

Edie’s mouth opened wide in terror.  Mike screamed.  Tee Bone raced, but it was too late.

With a sickening crack, Edie Van Heelin’ hit the ground.

Mike could not look.  He covered his eyes.

There was silence.  Nothing but silence.  The helicopter whopped in the air, but none of them could hear it.

“Mike…” crackled the radio.  “Mike come in.  What happened…”

He did not answer.  He sobbed in grief.

“Hang on buddy,” said Deke as reeled Mike back up into the DekeCopter.  “I got you.”

“I had her…” said Mike.

“It’s not your fault,” said Tee as he landed in the Copter.  “Don’t blame yourself,” he comforted.

“Guys,” radioed Deke, “that force field is starting to look angry.  It’s about to spit something back at us…”

At that moment the force field returned to full strength, and then some!  It began to pulse and expand.

“Get us out of here Deke!” shouted Tee from behind.

Deke hit the throttle.  The ground exploded beneath them, leaving nothing but shreds of wood and rubble.  Nothing but the detritus of a lost battle.

Three days later

 

It was raining in California as they lowered the casket into the soil.  Dressed in black, they were all there to bear witness.  Tee Bone, Deke, Mike, some men in suits representing the Durling Foundation, Aaron, the 80s Metal Man, Max the Axe…even Wolfgang Van Halen made it.  They all stood silent, in tribute to the fallen hero.

Mike stepped forward to speak.

“Edie…there will never be another like you.  I brought something for you.  Your favourite tea. Green…” he sniffed as a tear rolled down.  “…with local honey.”

He poured the tea over the ground, and sobbed.  Tee Bone rubbed his shoulders as he continued to speak.

“I know I’m usually the ‘words guy’,” said Mike, “But I am without words today.  I will miss you more than words can say.  There will never be another you.  In all the multiverse, they will never find another Edie Van Heelin’.  My loss is immeasurable.  That’s all I have to say.”

On cue, “Songbird” by Fleetwood Mac began.

For you, there’ll be no more cryingFor you, the sun will be shiningAnd I feel that when I’m with youIt’s alright, I know it’s right
To you, I’ll give the worldTo you, I’ll never be cold‘Cause I feel that when I’m with youIt’s alright, I know it’s right
And the songbirds are singing,Like they know the scoreAnd I love you, I love you, I love youLike never before
And I wish you all the love in the worldBut most of all, I wish it from myself
And the songbirds keep singingLike they know the scoreAnd I love you, I love you, I love youLike never before, like never before,Like never before

From a hilltop, a pack of arctic wolves stood silently and watched.  They were larger than the average wolf, large enough for a human to easily ride upon their backs.  The wolves sullenly watched as dirt fell over the casket.  A lone tear fell from the mother wolf’s eye.

Epilogue

“Tommy Lee!” commanded Lord Tyranus.  “Report!  Is it done?”

“Yeah dude!  All done, just as you asked!” cackled the drummer.

“Excellent!  The husband took the money then?” asked Tyranus.

“Just like you said he would!” answered Lee.  “He’s a little pissed off that his wife is dead, but he’ll get over it.  It was a lot of money.”

Tyranus laughed.  “Excellent.  She is terminated, then?”

“Knock ’em dead, kid!” answered Lee.

The Sith lord laughed again.

“Well done, Lee.  Well done.  Your reward will be suitable.”  Lee nodded happily, and Tyranus killed the communication.

“One down, many more to go.  Earth will soon be ours,” he pondered as he gazed to the stars.

 

THE END

REST IN PEACE EDIE VAN HEELIN’.  05/06/23

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

 

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

 

3 comments

  1. That riff is pure evil! Most of their music isn’t even close to being that morose. Disintegration is a masterpiece, but The Head on the Door and Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me have a pretty high percentage of upbeat tracks if you wanna ease into the darkness for fall. Some silly fun songs on those albums.

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    1. When you’re ready, this is essentially the scoop for their discography.

      Three Imaginary Boys/Boys Don’t Cry

      They’re basically the same album with a few tracks substitutions. TIB is the original release, Boys Don’t Cry is the North American version with some album tracks replaced with UK singles. Honestly, neither album is all that good, and even Robert Smith disowns Three Imaginary Boys. Boys Don’t Cry is better with the singles.

      Seventeen Seconds/Faith/Pornography

      The whole trinity for early Cure fans. The first two are pretty skeletal sounding. Lol Tolhurst is a very barebones drummer, but it fits the material. They add longtime bass player Simon Gallup here, who fits much better than the original guy, Michael Dempsey. Pornography is pure evil like I said.

      The Top

      Basically a Robert Smith solo album. Lol is the only other member left from previous lineups, but he’s moved over to keys. Robert allegedly played almost every instrument on the album himself though, except drums which were handled by Andy Anderson, a much more accomplished drummer than Lol. This album’s really experimental and wildly inconsistent as a result.

      The Head on the Door/Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me

      Simon Gallup returns, Boris Williams joins on drums, and Porl Thompson joins as a second guitarist/keyboardist. He was previously in the band before their first album, and was married to Robert Smith’s sister. This would be their poppy (for them) era.

      Disintegration

      The result of Robert trying to write his masterpiece. Lol is fired. By all accounts, key could barely play even the most simple lines on keyboards, and his drinking was getting in the way of even that. Roger O’Donnell replaces him. Great album that goes back to darker sounds without abandoning all the arrangement progress they made in the seven years since Pornography.

      Wish
      A good album, but starts to feel a bit like Cure by numbers. Still, there’s a lot of great stuff on here.

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