RE-REVIEW: Iron Maiden – The X Factor (1995 2 CD Japanese import)

IRON MAIDEN – The X Factor (1995 EMI Japan 2 CD limited edition)

For this revisit, we will take a deep dive on the Japanese version of Iron Maiden’s controversial 1995 album The X Factor. As the first new studio album in three years, anticipation ran high. There was also a minor problem that needed sorting out. Longtime vocalist Bruce Dickinson quit to go solo after more than a decade in Iron Maiden, leaving the remaining band with an air raid siren-sized hole to fill. The band had already been rocked by the 1990 departure of guitarist Adrian Smith, whose songwriting and melodic solo construction was missed. That’s not a knock on the guy who replaced him, Janick Gers. Gers was a different kind of player, and the elements that Smith used to bring to the band were gone. Fans had to endure an even more serious change when Wolfsbane vocalist Blaze Bayley was chosen to replace Bruce.

Virtually unknown in North America, Blaze Bayley was a powerhouse baritone who wasn’t known for hitting the highs of Bruce Dickinson. However, Maiden seemed to like change and the 1990s were a darker time. In that context, Bayley was a better fit. Bruce’s style of singing was on its way out, while Bayley could have fronted a grunge band had he chosen to go that way. At the same time, Steve Harris was dealing with losses in his life, and Bayley’s voice suited the more pensive tone of the new music. In another major change, producer Martin Birch stepped down leaving Steve Harris and co-producer Nigel Green to their own devices, for better or for worse. You’ll notice the mix is quite bass-heavy….

The X Factor was released in October of 1995 to a lot of indifference. Even the new cover art by Hugh Syme turned off some fans. It was the longest Maiden album so far by a long shot at over 70 minutes. In Japan, the CD came with a bonus disc of three original B-sides, boosting the length to over 82 minutes. Maiden rarely recorded original material for B-sides (“Total Eclipse” notwithstanding), but this time they had 14 tracks to choose from in total. A bumper crop of creativity.

“Sign of the Cross” has to be one of Maiden’s most impactful openers, though it takes a minute to get going. If you thought you bought a CD of Gregorian chants (very big in 1995; even Van Halen used ’em), then that’s forgivable. Maiden jumped on the chant bandwagon for the 11 minute epic opener, a very unique track in the catalogue. A bass intro begins the song proper, and if there’s one flaw on The X Factor, it’s too many bass intros (see above comment about “left to their own devices”). The clean guitars backing the bass are a nice touch, and there is no question that The X Factor is a brilliant sounding album. The vocals finally kick in almost three minutes into the song, kicking the song into a slow determined march. The evocative imagery recalls dark corners of Catholic history while the music goes through multiple thrilling sections, from speedy manic solos (Janick proving his worth to a song like that) to more complex rhythms. The song eventually resolves as it began, in quiet contemplation accompanied by bass. “Sign of the Cross” was considered good enough to keep in the set even after Dickinson returned to Iron Maiden at the end of the 90s.

Wisely picking up the pace for the next track, the single “Lord of the Flies” kicks it into higher gear. The speedy riff rocker barrels along steadily, with a slamming chorus. Co-written by Gers, you can hear his influence. Blaze sinks his teeth into the meaty verses and the chorus delivers the kind of hooks that we’re used to from Iron Maiden. Once again, Bruce sang this song when he returned. In this case, Dickinson was able to elevate the tune by using his air raid siren to boost the chorus. That’s not a knock on Blaze, who owns the tune with grit and bite.

“Man on the Edge” is an interesting song not because it was the poorly chosen first single. It’s interesting because just six years earlier, the song could never have been written. As a co-write between Gers and Bayley, it’s entirely composed by the newest members. Based on the excellent film Falling Down, the song depicts the character of “D-Fens” gradually losing it over the course of a day. It’s just not up to the quality of the prior two songs, but Bruce still performed it on the 1999 tour. Be forewarned: excluding the bonus disc, this is pretty much the last time Iron Maiden pick up the pace on The X Factor.

That’s not to say the rest of the songs are junk. “Fortunes of War” (another bass intro) begins soft and ballady, although it does get moving towards the end. In the 1990s, Steve Harris really leaned into repeating sections of his songs, and “Fortunes of War” is certainly one of those. It’s also one of many tunes on the album based on, or including, war imagery. There’s a neat guitar part stuffed between bass sections, but too many bass sections! It’s not that interesting an instrument, Steve. Janick Gers and Dave Murray lay down a pair of nice solos, and drummer Nicko McBrain plays it fairly straight. Not a lot of elaborate drum rolls on this album. Nicko lays back with the songs.

The last song on side one was “Look For the Truth”, a dark contemplative song about personal struggles. The bass intro this time is at least accompanied by guitar. “Look For the Truth” begins slowly but then slams into heavy. Blaze really has this one firmly in his grasp, as he spits out the words. “It’s my final stand, I make a fist out of each hand. To the shadows of the past, take a breath and I scream attack.” This is the first of four co-writes between Harris, Gers and Bayley. (Gers has seven credits on the first disc, Bayley has five, and Harris ten.) The main hook here is a simple “Woah oh oh,” which works fine and dandy, and did so in concert.

“The Aftermath” is another slow war song…but with no bass intro! It’s a little unorthodox as it goes almost three minutes before we hit the first chorus. It really takes a while to get to the point where they speed it up, but it finally does with a cry of “I’m just a soldier!” and another wicked Janick Gers solo. Then it resumes its plodding pace to the close. Not an album highlight, but a song that was performed live on The X Fac-tour.

A little peppier is “Judgement of Heaven”, another soul-searching number with lines like “I’ve been depressed so long, it’s hard to remember being happy,” and “I felt like suicide, a dozen times or more.” That’s countered with the line, “But that’s the easy way, that’s the selfish way, the hardest part is to get on with your life.” Then the music cranks into gear and you feel empowered by the music and Blaze’s gravelly delivery. You got this — you can do whatever you need to. You can survive. That’s the message and it sounds great coming from Iron Maiden. The uplifting chorus “All of my life, I have believed judgement of Heaven is waiting for me,” is a little Christian sounding for this band, but it does the job. And Davey Murray then flies in with a wicked signature solo, and then Gers joins in for some harmonies. Blaze even tries for a high note at the end!

The album dips a bit in quality at this point. “Blood on the World’s Hands” is not of the finest moments on The X Factor. It boasts the worst bass intro yet, and it goes on for-bloody-ever. At some points it sounds as bad I do, just randomly hitting notes in random order. Mercifully the song really begins at 1:15 but the damage has been done. It’s a decent song from that point on…but see above about Steve being left to his own devices as co-producer with Nigel Green. A different producer would have axed that intro. Cool Murray/Gers solo though, and Nicko gets to play around with unorthodox drums patterns.

“The Edge of Darkness” feels as if we’re moving towards an ending. A dramatic re-telling of Apocalypse Now with yet another bass intro, this is a good song. How many war songs do you need? Don’t worry, this is the last one. Like most of the tunes (especially those with bass intros), it begins slowly before heavy-ing up partway. When it gets galloping, it’s solid gold. “I know Captain that you’ve done this work before, we’ve got a problem and you can help us I am sure.” You know where it goes from there. “Your mission, terminate with extreme prejudice.” All he wanted was a mission and for his sins they gave him one. Vocally, Blaze has his hands full here with rapid-fire lyrics and plenty of “Woah-oh” hooks. The guitar solos are like old-school Maiden again, and the gallop recalls earlier days. “And now I understand why the genius must die…”

The album goes dark with “2 A.M.”, the third of the contemplative songs of self-reflection. On first listen it doesn’t stand out but it grows over time. “Here I am again, on my own again…” We’ve all felt that way. This is a sparse, direct, morose tune but not without merit. On past albums it probably would not have made the final cut, though the guitar sections are great.

The final track on disc one is “The Unbeliever”, another unorthodox tune, centered on a bassline, but at least without a bass intro! A Gers/Harris composition of self-reflection, that has a very different rhythm and layering of instruments. “All my life, I’ve run astray, allowed my faith to drift away.” Interesting that there are so many songs on this album about losing faith: “Sign of the Cross”, “Judgement of Heaven”, and “The Unbeliever”. The three dominant themes on this album (often overlapping) are war, losing faith, and personal struggles. Quite different from the Iron Maiden that wrote songs about mythology, killers in alleyways, and dying with your boots on. If there was ever a time to turn inwards and reflect, it was the 1990s. Later albums would find a stronger balance of lyrical themes, but there is no question that the music of The X Factor suits the lyrics perfectly and vice-versa.

“The Unbeliever” ends with just an audio snip of studio chatter. “That’s the one!” somebody says after a good take.

Over to disc two, exclusive to Japan: all three tracks were available on B-sides to “Man on the Edge”, but one was exclusive to vinyl. All three are fast songs that would have dramatically altered the complexion of the album had they been included in the regular tracklist.

The only Dave Murray co-write (with Harris) is the speedy “Justice of the Peace”. This tune is about the decline of modern society. “It must be the cynic in me, but I don’t really like things now. The violence, the attitude, aggression that you see every day. Sick society looks the other way.” It has a similar vibe to “Man on the Edge” though not as manically paced. Murray lays down a classic Beast-era sounding solo to top it off. It’s over and out in just 3:34, the shortest song of them all.

“I Live My Way” is special because this is its only release on CD. The only other way to get it is on vinyl. Most Iron Maiden fans simply do not own a copy. As another speedy tune written by Harris/Gers/Bayley, it’s probably the least remarkable but certainly a special rarity. You can count this as another one about self-reflection, though more headstrong and confident.

“Judgement Day”, the second song written by Blaze and Janick without involvement from Steve, is a fast blazer continuing the critique on modern society. When the bonus tracks are considered, commentary on humanity could be considered the fourth dominant theme. “There are no marks upon a man, that can say he’s good or bad.” The lens is focused this time on the evil people living among us. Musically it is most similar to a previous Maiden single called “Be Quick or Be Dead”.

The X Factor is a long album to start with, but the bonus disc here adds incredible value not only for the collector, but also for the listening experience. The album needed more pep, less slow songs and fewer bass intros. You could make a pretty incredible vintage-sounding X Factor “greatest hits” CD by including some of these B-sides, and capping the run time off at 45 minutes.

Japanese releases often got bonuses but this one has more than just extra music. The old style “fat” CD case conceals additional booklets, some not included in the international releases; four in total. They include:

Japanese lyric sheet for the album.
Japanese lyric sheet for the bonus disc.
Regular CD booklet, same as the international release.
Bonus 22 page full colour booklet exclusive to this release.

This bonus booklet is a real treat, featuring tons of album and single art, with band photos. It includes a discography and list of Japanese tours, including the setlists. It’s great even if you can’t read the notes in Japanese; all the titles are in English.

The X Factor is a deeply personal album that Steve Harris is very proud of and considers one of his best. Fans have been split on this, with most considering it inferior to almost all the prior albums. That’s not fair. It’s very different, less aggressive, darker and slower. It was an experimental evolution made possible by lineup changes and the shifting sands of the musical tastes of the 1990s. There are deeper songs and the material fit the downbeat mood of the time. Many of the songs were more energetic live. Overall, not one of Maiden’s top five, and not a commercial success, but it can be a rewarding if overly long listen. The inclusion of the B-sides on the Japanese set dramatically improves the experience.

3.75/5 stars

REVIEW: Def Leppard – Euphoria (1999)

Part Twenty-Two of the Def Leppard Review Series

DEF LEPPARD – Euphoria (CD Collection Volume 2 Disc 4) (Originally 1999, 2019 remaster)

This is where we deviate from the norm. After perhaps oversteering into the 90s with Slang, Def Leppard made a harsh course correction with their next album Euphoria. An early retail solicitation emphasized that after the Pyromania and Hysteria, comes the Euphoria. It was clear where they were going. The modern organic touch of Slang was dropped like a hot hand grenade! In its place was an attempt to retread the hits of the past. Mutt Lange was brought back to help polish up some songs.

Perhaps worst of all, and like Scorpions, Motley Crue and Bon Jovi at the same time, Def Leppard’s image made a big change. Hair was cut and styled. Shiny suits and glammy modern clothes were purchased. While the transition to Slang felt natural, the direction of Euphoria seemed terribly contrived. It was no secret that Slang was not a hit, and Euphoria sounded like it was crafted to generate hits to multiple formats.

One of Euphoria‘s flaws is its length. 51 minutes isn’t a big deal, but 13 tracks was too many, as we’ll see.

Opener “Demolition Man” has cool stuttering guitars like bands of the 80s employed. It’s fast, adrenalized, and stacked high with the patented layered backing vocals. But it feels less like the triumphant return of Leppard and more…unnatural. To go with the top speed pace of the song, F1 race car driver Damon Hill plays some outro lead guitar on the track.

“Promises” was undoubtedly the centerpierce of the album. A pretty successful re-write of “Photograph”, it captures the classic Leppard sound and vibe without the contrived feel. The rich vocals of the chorus are hard to beat, and that signature Leppard guitar lick is easy to love. The liner notes also give you lead solo credits for you to follow along – Phil or Viv. This one has both in that order. It’s a way to learn their individual styles, if you haven’t already!

The first serious dud is “Back in Your Face”, a plastic “Pour Some Sugar” homage with purposefully thin drum samples. The ballad “Goodbye” is also filler, even though it was selected as a single. By this time Leppard had accumulated plenty of ballads, and this reeks of a rewrite of “Have You Ever Needed Someone So Bad”.

The worst track on the record could be the Collen/Lange atrocity called “All Night”. Digital funk just isn’t becoming. A band like Extreme might have been able to make something of “All Night” if they did it without all the tech-y sounds, but this is a horrible mis-step.

Fortunately, “Paper Sun” is a mid-album redeemer. A Leppard epic in the tradition of “Gods of Wars” and “White Lightning”, this one is worthy. Sure it’s nothing new, but it has the vibe of a third song in a trilogy. Play all three of those tunes in a row for some back chills.

“It’s Only Love” is another unnecessary ballad, which combines an Adrenalize vibe with Slang, but not memorably. Then we have the embarrassingly titled “21st Century Sha La La La Girl”, a title as bad at Bon Jovi’s “Captain Crash and the Beauty Queen From Mars”. It’s not a terrible song, though suffers from a plastic production problem. It’s punchy, and has a singalong quality, but we’re lowering the bar a bit here. The third ballad “To Be Alive” is the best of the batch. Quiet and unassuming, it crosses Slang with Adrenalize more successfully. Viv’s solo is excellent.

Collen’s “Disintegrate” brings us right back to the glory days of High N’ Dry. Perhaps as close as they could ever get. The blazing instrumental has definitely “Switch/625” vibes. It is followed by another above average track called “Guilty”. It sounds like a cousin to “Stand Up (Kick Love Into Motion)” which isn’t a bad thing. Mid-tempo Def Leppard, plinking guitars, all good. Continuing with some decent quality tunes, “Day After Day” has a slower, dramatic Leppard vibe. The riff sounds vintage.

Closing track “Kings of Oblivion” turns up the tempo one last time for a pretty killer outro. There’s a hint of the old Joe Elliott scream. Maybe a smidge of Van Halen. Rick Allen uses a variety of drum sounds on this album, but he sounds best right here on “Kings of Oblivion”, with a nice loud traditional snare.

A final assessment for Euphoria is difficult to reach. It’s clear they were out to please old fans that were alienated by Slang. We’ve argued that the superior Slang was a more creative attempt to adapt to the 1990s. Euphoria felt like an absolutely commercially motivated attempt to capture “that sound” from the –ia albums, but also with a nudge towards late 90s pop rock. The modern production does no favours. But Leppard were unafraid to push further in that direction next time; not folding but going all-in.

Euphoria failed to crack the top ten in America, but “Promises” did hit #1. It enabled them to go out on a long supporting tour. But like many bands, the next few years would be rocky in musical direction.

2.5/5 stars

23. Rarities – Volume Two

“Sister Havana” by Urge Overkill on the Sunday Song Spotlight

Here’s a blast from the past for you 90s retro rockers! From their 1993 breakthrough album Saturation, it’s “Sister Havana” by Chicago’s Urge Overkill, and what a treat it is. Did the Darkness rip off this riff for “Get Your Hands Off My Woman”? Or were they at least inspired by it? It’s that kind of drive.

With lyrics like, “I’m watchin’ you and Fidel Castro in the sand, assassin!” and “Girl, you got to roll, Sister Havana, Overthrow, Sister Havana,” I have to wonder if this song was banned in Cuba! Singer Nash Kato seems to be urging (pun intended) a girl to assassinate Fidel Castro with lines like “Come around to my way of thinkin'”. It’s a fun song from the days of yore when people didn’t get as worked up over some words. Kato said, “We didn’t have any firm stance on America’s relationship with Cuba, but it sang well and sounded like a hook. There was no political commitment.” He was right.

In fact the line “Come around to my way of thinkin'” was meant to be an invitation to would be fans hearing Urge for the first time on their major label debut. Another fun fact was, when the band were first working on what would become “Sister Havana” in 1991, they were on tour with Nirvana since both bands were signed to Geffen. At one soundcheck in Europe, Nirvana sat in with Urge Overkill as they hashed out the tune. Nirvana had an impact on Urge Overkill who desired to write something simple that connected.

The music video is also a hoot, featuring the band getting parking tickets, cruising in a convertible, a swamp boat, and jamming. Enjoy it below – “Sister Havana”.

Come around to my way of thinkin’
Don’t you want to, want to get along?
Everyday just like a vacation with you
When I’m watchin’ you and Fidel Castro in the sand, kissin’!

Girl, you got to roll
Sister Havana
Overthrow
Sister Havana

She’s comin’ on like a bicycle army
Everybody’s waitin’ for the man to come down from the tower
Every day is just like a vacation with you layin’ right here now
I’m watchin’ you and Fidel Castro in the sand, assassin!

Girl, you got to roll
Sister Havana
Overthrow
Sister Havana

Sister Havana
Sister Havana
Sister Havana

Sister Havana

I don’t care what they say, no!
(There’s no time to lose)
We could have a holiday, yeah
But there’s no time (there’s no time to lose)
For hesitation
There’s no time (there’s no time to lose)
No time for waitin’
There’s no time (there’s no time to lose)
So let’s take the time and get it on today

So girl, come on, you got to roll
Sister Havana
Overthrow
Sister Havana
Sister Havana (sister Havana)
Sister Havana (sister Havana)
Sister Havana

Come around to my way of thinkin’
Come around to my way of thinkin’
Come around to my way of thinkin’
Well, come around, sister

The Many Talents of Polychuck – A Special Saturday Interview

Today’s chat with Montreal’s POLYCHUCK revealed many insights to his music and career thus far. It was a wide-ranging interview covering the following subjects and more:

His new single “Hero” and its personal meaning
The band on “Hero” and working with Derek Sherinian
Playing live and the complications of the pandemic
His next album that we can exclusively reveal is a concept record called She
Teaching (and a special question from Tee Bone)
Managing social media and how each platform has unique demands
Mixed martial arts
Cooking, yes, cooking!
And because we are Canadian…the weather

Support original talent like Polychuck! The new single “Hero” is out now on all the usual platforms. The next single drops in May, with the concept album in late 2022 or early 2023. Keep your eye on this exciting new artist at Polychuck.com – all the links to his socials are there.

Also a special thanks to Tee Bone who wanted to co-host this episode but could not due to a natural disaster! I used his questions and observations, which were excellent.

Tomorrow: Polychuck’s back!

The LeBrain Train: 2000 Words or More with Mike Ladano and Tee Bone

Episode 106 – The Return of Polychuck

Polychuck has remained busy since I last spoke to him back in July of 2021. Since that time he’s released the EP Shadows Remain, and his current single “Hero” featuring Derek Sherinian of Dream Theater on keyboards. We can’t wait to talk to him about the song, its important meaning, and the band he has backing him on it. This talented multi-instrumentalist has been creating a catalogue of songs that defy categorisation. As if that wasn’t enough, he’s also a mixed martial artist! Polychuck literally and figuratively kicks ass!

We always like to support Canadian talent, and Polychuck hails from beautiful Montreal, where he also teaches music. Truly, the guy is inspiring and if you don’t know that already, you will this Saturday at noon on the Train. Please join myself, Polychuck, and special co-host Tee Bone for this sure-to-be awesome episode.

Special Time!

SATURDAY April 23, 12:00 Noon E.S.T. on YouTube, Facebook and also Facebook!

REVIEW: Brent Doerner’s Decibel (2006)

BRENT DOERNER’S DECIBEL – Bd=I0log(P₁/P₂)=dB (2006)

The Doctor, Brent Doerner, departed Helix in 1989. His presence was missed by long time fans. Although he rejoined in the 90s, it was only briefly. Through the decade, he maintained his chops and took up country music in the clubs. This added new dimensions to his playing when he inevitably returned to rock. After spending a decade and a half as a “guitarpenter”, Brent decided he wanted to get back into music and make a statement on his own. “I was bound and determined, come hell or high water, to make an album,” he said. With a new band called Decibel consisting of Shane Schedler on lead guitar, the late Ralph “Chick” Schumilas on guitar, and Dan Laurin on drums, Brent did just that. “If you don’t write good songs, it ain’t gonna fly baby,” says Brent. Fortunately, the guys had a bunch of them.

The band lineup included three guitar players, two of them soloists. On this disc, the triple axe attack is joined by future Helix guitarist Kaleb Duck on a couple tracks.

Opener “The Sum of 2 People” begins with a lethal riff and a slow, determined groove. It then detours into a psychedelic, watery sound with Doener’s clever lyric contrasting love with math. “X and y are the fractions, multiplied by nine! Our love exceeds the math of the sum of two people.” Good song, excellent set of words from the Doctor, showing off his underappreciated lyrical talents. The track itself is quite varied, with a variety of connected parts and a classic sounding guitar solo.

Brent plays bass on most of the album, but Mike Benedictine guests on the wickedly choppy “A Body For You”. “I’d hide a body for you, baby!” goes the chorus, but the riff is the real killer. This is a challenging song, but check out the cool dual guitar bit in the middle. Very vintage Helix.

The highlight track is third in line: the pure boogie of “Takin the Color Right Outta Da Blooze”. This is an upbeat, slide-laden track made for shaking asses. Had there been a single, this is the clear choice. It has the taste of twang, and unforgettable hooks. It’s pure joy set to music. “We’re getting bull-ridin’-ready!” sings the good doctor. This is just a song about letting loose, and it’s the perfect accompaniment to doing just that. Awesome track.

Another killer track, “On Bended Knee” has a vibe similar to early 80s Kim Mitchell – think songs like “Miss Demeanor”. Simply excellent mid-tempo sentimental rock. There’s something slightly majestic about the chorus guitar hook.

Drummer brother Brian Doerner guests on “Fire in the Bedroom”, a suitably upbeat rocker. Giddy up, says Brent. Solid advice. The excellent solo features some of that twang but this otherwise pure rock and roll smoke. Just fun. Brian on drums adds a different flavour; a little more sophisticated rhythm and brainy fills.

If you like bands with multiple lead vocalists, then you will be pleased to note that guitarist Shane Schedler takes the microphone on “Never Turn Yer Back”. He has a higher tone to his voice, and he throws in a soulful twist. The song itself has an early Van Halen kind of vibe. Mike Benedictine is back on bass, but that’s not him on the impressively dexterous intro! “I play that, says Brent. “I play the intro and the exit on that. That’s from me being a guitar player; it sounded cool on bass.” He’s right! Another album highlight.

“Breathe My Name” has a cool kick to it, and an unorthodox groove. A lot of the tunes on this album are smarter than you’d think. They’re not meat and potatoes rock. They have different rhythms throughout, changing and shifting and then suddenly sounding like another genre. “Breathe My Name” largely rocks, but not in a brick-headed way.

There are no ballads on this album, but “Stainless Steel Emotion” is the most laid back of the songs, and really emphasises a southern twang. Again, the riff recalls early Kim Mitchell, which might be why it sounds so classic. “Got up late, felt not so great, with alcohol blues. She just laughed, turned on the gas and waited for the boom!” A funny, quirky song about love gone sour. You can’t particularly compare “Stainless Steel Emotion” to any single band. Brent likes writing unique songs, and this one has the right fit to be second last on an album.

Hilliard Walter, who would later join the band on bass and vocals, sings lead on the unique “Dancing Frogs (The Zamboni Song)”. The powerhouse soul-blues vocalist kicks the song up about eighteen notches with class and sass. The vibe of the song evokes the classic image of the dancing frog from the Warner Brothers cartoon One Froggy Evening. “You can just picture the dancing frog with the top hat and the cane,” Doerner explains. Why “The Zamboni Song”? Because Hills Walter drove one! “We’ve got the best damn Zamboni operator/driver/singer/lead vocalist in the country, man!” There’s an old automobile “ooga” horn in there too, as a final original touch. Do Zambonis have horns?

It must be stated: Brent Doerner did not create an “immediate” sounding album on his debut. He didn’t set out to make simple music. The songs have twists in them, but also great hooks that will get you in time. You notice by second listen, the hooks have started to set in. The running order could probably be improved by opening with something catchier like “A Body For You” instead of the menacing “The Sum of 2 People”, but your experience may vary. If only the album had big-budget production. Some of the songs could have had potential.

Must-haves: “Takin the Color Right Outta Da Blooze”, “A Body For You”, “On Bended Knee”, “Never Turn Yer Back”, “Stainless Steel Emotion” and “The Zamboni Song”.

4.5/5 stars

The Adventures of Tee Bone Man – Chapter Three: Hell Ain’t A Bad Place To Be

Previously…

“Ready?”

“As I’ll ever be” came Tee Bone’s reply. “Let’s do this”

The Australian pressed the accelerator, and with the roar of the eight-cylinder engine, the car lurched forward and began its journey towards Hell. The needle climbed with every passing second, but even with the power of Tee Bone’s Scotch coursing through it, the old Ford was not what it used to be.

The Australian began to worry. They were not going fast enough, and they would run into a turn or, worse, another car soon. He threw his head back towards the direction of Tee Bone

“I don’t think we’re gonna make it!”

“Hold on!” Tee Bone yelled back. Then he began to wind his arm around a couple times, gathering air. The supercharger roared with delight. Then he hit the loudest power chord he had ever played, and the car surged forward as the world seemed to disappear in a flash of white.

For several seconds the only sound either of the men heard was the engine in front of them. Then colour returned to their vision. The colour red.

They had made it to Hell. Now they just needed to find the source of these disturbances, stop them and get back to the real world without dying. Somehow.

CHAPTER THREE: HELL AIN’T A BAD PLACE TO BE

“How did I get into this mess?” asked the Australian to himself, hiding behind a rock. “48 hours ago, I was grooming my moustache in my room, listening to the superior Blaze Bayley…and now here I am trapped in Hell with a madman!”

The flying madman in question, dressed in tights and cape, and wielding an electric guitar, was like a whirling dervish in the middle of a hellish landscape too twisted and horrific to describe.

Yet the sound of it all was music to the mustachioed Australian’s ears.

Earlier…

The spell had worked, and the pair entered Hell. With world-rending earthquakes set to ravage the Earth, Tee Bone Man and his young accomplice sought to find the source of the seismic waves, at the very core of the underworld. Surely they did not expect the entrance to the everlasting fire be unguarded, but what they faced before them was beyond their sickest nightmares.

Staring the pair down were thousands upon thousands of monsters. Assorted ghouls from the tradition of fire and brimstone: demons, goblins, evil spirits, orcs, darkfriends, dragons, and worse. If Tolkien had crossed paths with George R.R. Martin to write the ultimate battle scene, you’d still be looking at a day at a picnic compared to what our heroic duo now stared down!

Tee Bone Man was unshaken.

“Hold this?” he asked casually of his smaller friend, handing over his trademark black Van Halen mask for safekeeping.

“This means business.” Tee Bone Man reached behind his electric guitar, and unscrewed a compartment.

“Secret stash,” he winked as he grabbed a tiny capsule. “Scotch on the rocks.”

Tee Bone Man opened the capsule and downed the noxious substance inside. Suddenly he glowed in radioactive green light as he seemed to grow two times in size.

“Listen, friend,” Tee Bone said to the Australian. “I’m sorry you got dragged into this. But we’re not alone. Use this transmitter, call for help. Ask for Superdekes.” He handed the smaller man a pager-like device with a picture of an amp head on it. “We’ve opened the gates of Hell, he should be able to get in without having to do the spell over again, right?”

“Affirmative,” answered the Australian. “But the portal only stays open for one day. If you’re expecting help, help better hurry.”

Tee Bone Man winked again. “No problem for this guy. He’s inventive.”

With that, the hero grabbed his guitar, and began shredding. Lightning and flame ripped from the instrument, striking the demons and orcs charging their way. Tee Bone Man then ascended above them and dive-bombed the demons with the kind of power riffs they had never heard before. Even for hellspawn, the brain-melting power of the music was far too much to handle. Dozens at a time, the monsters were slain by the flying guitar slinger, banking to and fro in the air, dodging spears, axes and arrows.

“Take cover!” he yelled below to his friend.

Hiding behind a rock, the Australian pushed a button on the transmitter given to him by Tee Bone Man.

Somewhere in the tundra of Thunder Bay, Superdekes was fretting.

The quakes were worsening. They were worldwide. And he had not heard from his friend Tee Bone Man. Tracking him was usually routine, but this time he disappeared off the map. Not that Tee Bone Man couldn’t take care of himself, but this was the most critical adventure yet. This wasn’t just saving a bunch of southerners from a Sasquatch, this was saving the world!

A crackle on the radio.

“Come in? Tee Bone?” begged Superdekes into the microphone.

He paused and waited. “Anyone there?”

Suddenly another crackle, louder this time.

“Hello, I’m looking for Superdekes,” came a voice with a unique accent that was uncategorizable. “Come in Superdekes!”

“This is Superdekes, who’s this on Tee Bone’s radio?”

“This is Harrison Holden in Australia…well, Hell actually. Tee Bone Man and I are outnumbered and we need your help! Can you track us from this signal? The portal will only be open for 23 more hours and I don’t know if Tee Bone Man can hold them off that long!” A short pause followed and then the voice returned. “I am completely unarmed and hiding behind a rock. Not the most comfortable position to be in while being divebombed by parademons.”

“Oh boy,” said Superdekes to himself. “What did Tee Bone get himself into this time?” He pushed the button on his device again. Into the radio he spoke. “No problem kid. I can be there in a jiffy. I’ve been working on something. As for being unarmed, I got your back. Sit tight. What did you say your name was again?”

“I’m Harrison, from Australia,” the young man answered. “They call me the Man with the Moustache.”

“See you soon, Moustache Man,” answered Superdekes. He opened the door to the garage of their headquarters, Deke’s Palace.

Deke’s old black motorcycle helmet and suit hung on the wall, but the bike in the center of the room was brand new. It glimmered with a fiery red sheen, seemingly independent of the ambient light in the room. It evoked power, speed, and stealth all at once. It was a beauty.

“I was hoping to give this baby a trial run first, but duty calls. And you always gotta do your rock and roll duty.”

Superdekes opened a weapons locker, packed a couple bags, and sat atop the bike. With the push of a button, the whisper-quiet engine was engaged. Superdekes lowered the visor of his helmet and revved. The garage door opened and he rode out into the Thunder Bay arctic sun. It was frosty for August, as his breath formed clouds in front of his face.

With a sudden charge, the fire-red bike tore off, down the secret driveway onto the road.

“Here we go,” said Superdekes with a tinge of concern. He opened a control panel on the dash of his bike and flipped a toggle. As he accelerated down the road, flaps emerged from the sides of the bike, forming horizontal wings. At 160 kilometers per hour, Superdekes began to climb!

The flying motorcycle set course for the south Pacific, and Superdekes engaged the afterburners. Like the USS Enterprise going to warp speed, the bike disappeared in the air as it raced to save the world.

Wave after wave had fallen but our hero fought on!

With a stab, he impaled a hideous troll through the back with his guitar. A swing of the weapon removed the head from another. A kick to the face, and another one bit the dust. Focusing all his power, Tee Bone Man created the ultimate power chord and aimed it directly at a dragon overhead. With a thunderous cry, the mighty beast fell, unable to withstand distortion of that magnitude.

But they were getting nowhere! With young Harrison pinned down behind a rock, and Tee Bone fully engaged battling enemies, there was no way to find the source of, and stop the earthquakes.

“This is ridiculous,” said the young Australian. “I’m not hiding here behind a rock all day! I’ve got to find the source of the quakes.”

Venturing out, the man evaded the eyes of evil. He slunk along a line of rocks, using his keen Australian sense of seismic forces to triangulate the quakes. As Tee Bone Man blasted beasts overhead, the young man leaped from cover to cover, sensing he was getting closer.

A flying insectoid beasty landed right before him! It bared its fangs and approached.

“Meesa in big doo doo this time,” sighed the Australian as he prepared to defend himself hand to hand against the giant bug.

As the beasty dove at him to attack, it was distracted by a sound overhead. It looked up.

“Hey, Harrison! El Moustachio! Catch!”

The young Australian looked up and gasped at a sight he’d never seen before: a sleek flying motorcycle, slicing through the air like an arrow! Atop the flying bike, a rider in black. He tossed the young man a weapon.

A moustache-shaped weapon! A sonic boomerang!

“Thanks Superdekes!” shouted the young man with a smile on his face. He raised the moustache-shaped weapon and aimed. He’d been throwing boomerangs all his life, since Grade 1 Boomerang class at the local school. With deadly aim, he fired the weapon, which hummed with sonic cutting power. It swiftly removed an arm and two legs from the beast, leaving it Anakin-crippled in the hot sand.

“I hate sand,” mumbled Harrison Holden to himself, as the moustacherang returned to his deft hand.

Flying overhead and shredding chords, Tee Bone man saw that he had been joined by Superdekes. The tide was turning!

“Nice bike,” said Tee Bone. “When were you planning on telling me about your flying motorcycle?”

With a smirk Superdekes answered, “Since you can fly and I can’t, I was going to surprise you one day when you were on your morning scotch run. Surprise!” With that, Dekes nailed a couple flying demons with the sonic blasters attached to the wings of his bike.

Like old pros, the two formed up a position, and deftly took down a dozen or more airborne threats in one efficient strike. Below them, young Harrison Holden was tearing through a row of demons with his new favourite weapon.

“I do like this thing,” he said to no-one in particular.

Another one down, and the Australian noticed something in the rock wall dead ahead.

“Guys! This is El Moustachio,” he shouted into the transmitter. “I think I found the source. There’s a big door up ahead in the mountain face!”

Tee Bone Man looked down and saw the same thing. “I’ll clear you a path. Get to that door!” He blasted a clearing through the monsters with a supercharged solo from the Satriani book of rock.

As if on cue, the Australian bolted like Harry LaSalles towards the stone entrance. To his surprise, it opened right before his eyes! Could it be a trap? He was prepared for anything. Almost.

Harrison kept running until he entered…a beautifully decorated and lit 18th century hallway, right out of the most luxurious mansion he’d ever seen depicted. He came to a dead stop and looked around him. Paintings adored the walls; sculptures decorated the corners. There was a brightly lit room straight ahead, unguarded, and so he entered. What he saw, he could not believe. A Ming vase…a priceless Stradivarius violin…a Da Vinci sketch…a signed Gretzky rookie card…this place was beyond “millionaire” and straight into “billionaire”. What was it doing in the middle of Hell?

“Welcome, young Holden,” said a sinister voice from a dark corner, the only dark corner in the room.

“Show yourself!” demanded the young man.

“But of course,” answered the voice. On switched a light, and before him Harrison saw a red figure. Exactly as Derek Riggs had drawn him on Iron Maiden’s album covers, sat the Devil himself, comfortably in a plush chair.

“Please allow me to introduce myself, but I think you already know my name.”

“I do,” said Harrison with a lump in his throat. He certainly didn’t expect to have to face off against the great Satan all by himself. Then he remembered the transmitter in his pocket and covertly opened a channel.

“What do you want, foul one?” he said mustering all the courage he could find. “What do you want with the world? Stop your earthquakes or I’ll finish this myself!” He could not believe he was hearing himself say these things, but here he was! He felt stronger and more confident than he ever had before.

The unholiest saw through it. “You cannot hurt me, boy. But you do not have to hurt me. Let’s get to it. What I want, you have already brought with you.”

Now truly scared, Harrison answered defiantly, “Oh yeah? What’s that you evil wretch? Whatever it is, you won’t get it!”

A smile went from pointed ear to pointed ear. “I want Tee Bone Man’s autograph.”

A long pause.

“Say that again?” asked the young man.

“What I want,” said the sinister Devil, “is Tee Bone’s autograph. You see my collection here. Over there to my right, in the frame on the wall?” He pointed a long red fingernail at a record on the wall. “That’s an original. Beatles Yesterday and Today with the ‘butcher’ cover. Beautiful picture, I might add.” Lucifer paused and snickered to himself. “You know, it’s funny. All the shit that John Lennon took about being ‘bigger than Jesus’? You’re probably too young to remember that. They all said he’d be going straight to Hell for saying that. But do you see John Lennon here? No. Some of the people who swore he’d be coming here are now my neighbours, but one thing I don’t have in my collection is John Lennon.” He paused a moment, seemingly in sadness. Could a being this evil ever truly know sadness? “At least I could have Tee Bone Man’s autograph.”

A muscular figure loomed in the doorway. “If that’s what it will take to end this, then let’s talk, Devil.” Tee Bone Man, weary from the battle and covered with demon blood, entered the room. His supercharged presence lit the area even brighter. He winked at Harrison. Turning on that transmitter was a good idea.

“But why the hell — pardon the pun — why the hell didn’t you just ask me?” asked Tee Bone quite logically.

“Ask you how, exactly?” the great Satan answered. “Nobody plays records backwards anymore, there was no way to get your attention. If God can talk to people in the form of natural disasters as they claim, why can’t I?” He seemed pretty defensive, for a guy who’s supposed to be the ultimate evil.

“Listen,” the Devil started over again. “I’m not all that bad. Yes, I’ve done a lot of bad shit, but most of what goes down on Earth? That’s all you. Humans being shitty to each other. Until now, I haven’t intervened in human affairs in many years. Not since George W. Bush. He was the last one I swear. Since then, honestly, you guys have been doing a pretty good job of my work for me.”

Tee Bone Man looked down in contemplation.

“If what you say is true, then I truly have my work cut out for me up on Earth,” he said after a thought. “But dude, we just fought the armies of Mordor to get here. That was completely unnecessary!”

“It sure was awesome though, wasn’t it?” answered the demonic one.

Tee Bone sighed. It was the Devil, after all. Evil’s gonna evil.

“You can have your autograph, Lucifer.”

The Devil jumped up out of his chair and did a little dance. Just as he did, Superdekes entered the room and removed his helmet.

“Oh my God is that…did you bring…Superdekes? I thought he couldn’t fly? Sorry I’m such a big fan. Can I have his autograph too? I didn’t think there would be any way I could get both your autographs! In fact I never thought I’d ever see either of you here in Hell.” The Devil danced across the room as if on ice. He slid over to a massive bookshelf and removed his treasured autograph book.

“See? I already have a page set aside for you with your picture on it!” said the Devil to Tee Bone Man. “Sorry your picture is not in here, but I truly never expected to see Superdekes!”

“Mildy creepy, but OK. Got a pen?”

With that, pens appeared in Superdekes and Tee Bone Man’s hands.

As they signed the book, the Devil noticed young Harrison standing behind, slightly aloof.

“Come here, you,” motioned the Devil. “I want your autograph too! As far as I’m concerned, you’re part of the team now.”

With a smile, young Harrison Holden saw a pen in his hand.

“See, Tee Bone Man? What happened on that battlefield today made this young man with the moustache into a bonafide hero. The evil that I do often has a purpose.” Satan smiled from one pointed ear to the other again, his sharp teeth gleaming white.

Harrison the Hero leaned over and signed the book right under Tee Bone and Superdekes. Then he paused.

“Wait a minute,” he asked. “How do I know I didn’t just sign my soul over to you?”

Satan laughed. “Look, I may be the Devil, but the rules of contracts are very specific. For me to take your soul via a signed contract, the contract must be clear and understood by all parties. You signed my autograph book, that’s all. Look, check out page three.” The Devil magically flipped to the correct page. “That’s Elvis. And that one? Bruce Lee. You know how hard it was to get those autographs? Those guys aren’t here either. But Hitler is! I could give you a thousand numbered Hitler autographs to sell on eBay, if you want?”

“Uhhh, no thanks!” the three answered in unison.

“Then I thank you for your additions to my collection. I can’t wait to invite Adolf and Joseph to check them out! Farewell, you heroes!”

The Devil snapped his fingers and the three began to fade.

“Bye guys…” waved Harrison to the other two. They both waved back as all three disappeared, leaving the Devil alone with his new treasures.

Deke’s Palace, Thunder Bay.

The two materialized back in their old headquarters. Without a word, each took an armchair and sat, exhausted.

Long silence. An hour. Two hours.

Then Tee Bone stirred.

“Hey Superdekes. Pass the scotch? I could use a drink.”

“You got it, pal,” answered Superdekes. Their glasses clinked, a record spun, and the two friends drank. “You never got that replacement AC/DC vinyl on the Albert Productions label,” he reminded Tee Bone as an afterthought.

“Oh yeah,” said Tee Bone with a yawn. “No worries. We’ll go back and thank that Harrison Holden kid for everything one day. Then we can get you all the new vinyl you want.”

“Right on pal,” said Superdekes as the two friend clinked glasses again.

Until the next adventure!

#982: Sounds (On This Day, 15 Years Ago)

This entry comes from my journal 15 years ago today, April 19 2007.

RECORD STORE TALES #982: Sounds

When I was a young single guy still working at the Record Store, I liked to customize my home computer experience. The sound scheme in particular was something I enjoyed fiddling with. I would download .wav files from TV shows, movies, and Homestarrunner cartoons. Nobody wants just the default sounds, I figured. Let’s have some fun with them, I reasoned. For example During my Homestarrunner phase, I always had the character announce incoming emails, as below.

Homestar: “Email”

The journal entry below reveals other favourite system sounds I employed. Jen didn’t care for them, and I must have loved her or something, because the below implies that I changed them for her!

2007/04/19 21:18

Every time I upgrade my computer I switch sound schemes around. I’m sure Jen will appreciate it that my computer won’t be swearing constantly anymore. My old sound scheme featured such classics as:

New person logs into MSN Messenger: “Who the fuck is this asshole?” as spoken by Samuel L. Jackson.

Jackson: “Who the fuck…”

New email (Outlook): “(gunshot) Oh I’m sorry, did I break your concentration?” again by Samuel.

Jackson: “Oh I’m sorry…”

I also changed some old favourites, just for the sake of change. My computer no longer quotes Clerks at startup and shutdown anymore:

PC startup: “I’m not even supposed to be here today!”

Dante: “I’m not even”…

And PC shutdown: “My love for you is ticking clock Berzerker! Would you like to suck my cock Berzerker!”

Olaf: “My love for you…”

Of course, those old favourites will be cycled in again one day. But now I’m sure she’ll be happy that for now, MSN Messenger has just has Fred Willard saying, “Hey, wha happen?”

I strongly recommend you brighten up your day by customizing your own soundscapes in computerland!

#981: I Got A Bad Feeling About This: Euphoria

Part Twenty-One of the Def Leppard Review Series

RECORD STORE TALES #981: I Got A Bad Feeling About This: Euphoria

Without sounding like a broken record, the 90s were a rough time for rock and roll bands. Those who suffered did what they had to do to survive. When that didn’t work out, they’d revert to formula. In the case of some high-profile groups, the moves were quite obvious attempts to recreate the past. Take, for example, Bon Jovi.

1995’s These Days was a daring attempt to do something different, a little more laid back and organic. The result was, with the benefit of hindsight, one of the band’s best records. But it sold half as many copies as 1993’s Keep the Faith, which sold less than a third of what New Jersey sold, which sold just over half of what Slippery When Wet sold. The law of diminishing returns. So what did they do? The wrote a song called “It’s My Life” which was just “Livin’ On A Prayer 2000” no matter what they admitted to. Back was the talk box, Tommy, and Gina. It was embarrassing. The fans didn’t mind though, and they ate it up like crack-covered ice cream.

Hell, even Motley Crue got back with Bob Rock for a couple new throwback tunes. They stepped back from the cliff of Generation Swine and scored some minor redemption before Tommy Lee fucked off.

In 1999, Def Leppard were faced with a similar situation. Like Motley Crue, they leaned into the 1990s on Slang. The difference was that Def Leppard made a coherent disc that felt natural, unlike the slop that Nikki Sixx fed us. Instead of selling half of what the triple-platinum Adrenalize sold, Slang only mustered up gold in the US. Alarm bells were ringing and something had to be done. And like Bon Jovi at the same time, Leppard too attempted to recreate the past.

A certain Robert John “Mutt” Lange was summoned, and one of the resultant tracks called “Promises” sounds a dead ringer for “Photograph”. And then, this artwork was released.

“After Pyromania and Hysteria comes…Euphoria.”

My buddy T-Rev was working at the Cambridge location of the Record Store. He received the press release for Euphoria featuring that slogan in his morning shipment of CDs. He laughed and gave me a ring to tell me.

Another “-ia” album. For fucksakes…

I can’t recall my exact words, but I do remember my exact feeling: “I got a bad feeling about this.”

It was as if the last decade didn’t happen. Let’s forget the last couple records, no matter how good they may be. And the cover art? The dominant blue recalled the past hits, but the return of the classic logo was a clear message. You’re going to get the Def Leppard you remember. You’re going to get the Def Leppard album that should have followed Hysteria. That’s the message here.

While the majority of fans were in love with the idea, I had reservations. It seemed contrived. Slang deserved better than to be buried like this. In fact this move really does a disservice to the whole Slang era. That album was a brave attempt to try some new hats on. This looked like a timid step back into safe territory, afraid to do anything but.

Is that what happened? Find out next time.

22. Euphoria

Sunday Screening: Stranger Things 4 trailer featuring the music of Journey

Those of us addicted to the Netflix original series Stranger Things generally agree: the soundtracks kick ass. Taking place in the 1980s, the series is nostalgia-heavy. Intentionally evoking classic 80s Steven and Stephen (Spielberg & King), the series has pulled the right strings. Season 4 appears to be no different, with that haunting version of “Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)” by Journey taking center stage.

The song is not just a cool tune for the show, but important to the themes of this season. Our characters are indeed worlds apart, separated for the first time.

Joining the cast this year is the original Freddie Krueger, Robert England himself. According to creators the Duffer brothers, this is the classic horror season of the show. Expect that Nightmare on Elm Street vibe.

	Buffalo Crows on REVIEW: Alice Cooper – W…
	Bonnie Ladano on #1239: The Black Widow…
	80smetalman on #1239: The Black Widow…
	Metalnerdblog on #1239: The Black Widow…
	Holen on 🅻🅸🆅🅴: Feel Good Friday Afterno…

mikeladano.com

Record Store Tales, Grab A Stack of Rock & Music Reviews