THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS – Phase 3 – The Unicron Saga
Chapter Four: The Glitch in the Matrix
Starring:
- Mike the Brainiac
- Harrison El Moustachio
- Aaron
- Jex Rambo
- and a returning villain!
Walking through downtown Toronto, the four Northern Lights were incognito! Aaron was wearing a long blonde wig. The Brainiac had a fake moustache upon his face. Moustachio, already having his own moustache, dyed his flesh tone so it could not be seen. Jex wore a shirt as his disguise. He was clearly uncomfortable, having cloth on his chest for a change.
“Mes amis, why am I wearing a shirt again?” he asked his companions.
“It’s like the Tommy Lee disguise: wearing a pair of pants!” answered the Brainiac.
“Non, non!” replied Jex. “I understand. But why are we wearing disguises?”
“I can answer that,” responded Moustachio. “Mr. Durling has sent us to Toronto on a mission of utmost importance, and he doesn’t want us recognized. He fears that if someone sees us here, they will attempt to find out what we’re looking for.”
Jex nodded in understanding. “Makes sense,” he responded. “After all, finding Rush Chronicles on vinyl has been a mission of his for many years.”
Aaron, the group’s navigator, was checking out road signs. “I’m just finding my way here…Snow Dog records is about four blocks due west.” He pointed straight ahead. “The proprietor Bytor is an old friend of mine. He’ll know where to find a copy in this city.” Aaron swished his blonde locks out of his face. “I can’t say I care for this wig though. I’m not in the mood for this hair in my face.”
“Don’t complain!” commented Jex. “I have to wear a shirt! C’est nul! Why can’t I just wear a hat or some sunglasses?”
“Because nobody would ever expect you to be wearing a shirt,” answered the Brainiac logically. “We can wear the rose of romance, an air of joie de vivre, but we would be recognized too easily and tip off our enemies.”
“I think I’m going bald,” said Harrison as he rubbed his scalp, “but that’s neither here nor ‘hair’.”
“Hah-hah,” answered Aaron. “Anyway we’ll be there in just a few more minutes.”
It was dark inside the Snow Dog record store, like a tomb of Hades lit by flickering torchlight.
“Hello?” asked Aaron as he rang the bell at the front counter. Then, out of the lamplight emerged the owner, Bytor. He was a large man with long brown beard and hair tied back in a ponytail.
“MR. BOOKS!” he proclaimed, embracing Aaron with a large bearhug. “What’s with the Nelson wig, man?”
“That’s a long story. It would take me at least 2112 pages to explain to you everything that’s happened since we last met.” He paused and gestured to the other Northern Lights gathered in his store. “These are my friends, Mike, Harrison and Jex.”
“Nice to meet you guys,” answered Bytor. “What can I help you with today?”
Harrison, the man known as El Moustachio with an invisible moustache, stepped forward. “We’re on a mission to retrieve a rare vinyl copy of Chronicles by Rush. We’ve checked the subdivisions with no luck, so now we’re here in the big city.” He stopped a moment to think. “This is actually my first trip to Toronto,” he said. “I’ve only ever seen Thunder Bay, Kitchener and Kincardine.”
Bytor laughed a big belly laugh. “Thunder Bay, Kitchener and Kincardine? Well you’ll find we have far more vinyl here in Toronto, entre-nous!”
“But do you have the record?” asked Jex.
“Rush Chronicles on vinyl? I do not, but I have plenty of crates for you boys to dig through. I’m sure you’ll find something. I have Chronicles on cassette if you want that?”
“We’re on a mission from a very particular man,” answered Harrison. “He only needs the vinyl and he is willing to pay top dollar.”
Bytor shook his head. “Sadly I can’t help you. Write down your information and I’ll be sure to call you if I see one, Mr. Top Dollar!”
Dejected, the quartet left their information and departed Snow Dog records.
“Well that was a waste of time,” said the Brainiac, usually the pessimistic one. “Aren’t we even going to stay and go crate digging?”
“On Durling’s dime? Are you crazy? He’ll send the Night Ranger after us!” answered Moustachio.
Jex laughed at this. “Non, non, mes amis, Tim Durling wouldn’t hurt a fly. Let’s go back, let’s dig some crates! What are we in a rush for?” He paused and laughed at his own pun.
The quartet turned back and were shocked at what they saw. Snow Dog records was no longer there! A boarded up window with flyers stapled all over it was all they saw. Brainiac stepped forward tentatively, and felt the plywood of the boards, not trusting his own eyes.
“Guys…what just happened?” he asked his three friends.
The four stared at the boards. Moustachio scratched his head. Aaron stood dumbfounded, brushing the hair out of his eyes, unbelieving. Jex looked just as puzzled, while the Brainiac had fear in his eyes.
Aaron turned to look at his friends. “That wasn’t just some fly by night record shop,” he told them. “Snow Dog records opened in 1975! They’ve been in this very spot for 50 years! What is happening here?”
“A glitch in the matrix?” asked the Brainiac, only half joking.
“Or worse,” gulped Harrison, stroking his invisible moustache for comfort. “I advise caution.”
“I agree mon ami,” nodded Jex. “I suggest we retrace our steps. Let me check the map on my phone to confirm our location.”
Jex took his phone from his shirt pocket while muttering something about how stupid it was that he had to wear a shirt. He scrolled and blinked and scrolled some more.
“Guys…” he asked with a quaver in his voice. “Do any of you have a signal?” The other three took out their phones and held them up to the sky at various angles. Brainiac shook his in his hand, while Aaron groaned. No signals.
“It’s a trap,” whispered Harrison. “We’re in a simulation.”
“What!?” asked the other three simultaneously (Jex in French). “When did that happen?” asked the Frenchman. “We all met at the Kincardine airport. We drove straight here with one stop at Tim Horton’s. Aaron got us parked, we walked, and about 20 minutes later we were at Snow Dog! What was real and what was simulation? This is freaking me out guys, I don’t mind telling you.”
Mike stepped over and rubbed his friend’s muscular shoulders. Wow, he thought to himself. This guy is built! Aloud, he said something more comforting. “It’s OK Jex. We’re all here together, wherever we are. Harrison and I have dealt with weirder stuff before. Stick close. We’re all going to get home. Now, I suggest we all stay put. Don’t move. Just observe. Look for anything out of the ordinary.”
Instinctively the group formed a circle, facing outward. Jex was watching the traffic. Mike had his eyes in the sky, looking towards the upper levels of buildings and beyond. Aaron and Harrison carefully examined each and every person walking on the streets of simulated Toronto.
Harrison ahem’ed. “I don’t mean to cause any alarm…but there are two of that man in the red hat.” He pointed towards a tall man in a red toque. “No, three…wait…”
The group began to realize there were duplicate copies of every person and every car. Entire clusters of people and groups of cars would pass by them multiple times. It was like a old fashioned cartoon where they just recycled all the same footage to save time and money.
Suddenly, Mike snapped his fingers. “Solved it!”
“Huh? How?” asked Moustachio.
“Repeated groups…over and over again…like an old style cartoon, when they had to repeat backgrounds and background characters over and over again to save time and money! That’s the answer! Who do we know that is stingy enough to go so cheap on a simulation like this?”
The group mumbled among themselves, but could not come to a conclusion.
“Cut to the chase Mike,” ushered Jex. “Who’s behind this?”
Mike smiled. “Did any of you guys watch Pam and Tommy on Disney+?” The group shook their heads no.
“I have two kids Mike, I don’t know what TV is anymore!” chided Jex.
“Well, in that show, Tommy Lee stiffed the carpenter that was renovating his house, Seth Rogen. Wouldn’t pay him. That’s what triggered everything that happened. Seth Rogen stole that VHS tape and sold it to recoup his costs and have some revenge on Tommy Lee. Think about it! Most of our enemies are super-rich! Tommy Lee’s the only one who’s got a thing for going cheap on anything that isn’t his. He wouldn’t pay for a full-on simulation! He’d go cheap and half-ass it! That’s who’s behind this!”
“I’ve never had the displeasure of encountering Mr. Lee in my adventures,” informed Harrison, “But I’ve read all the files. Your predecessor, Brainiac I, had multiple encounters with Tommy Lee. It is possible Lee has a vendetta.”
“A ven-whatta?” came a voice from above. “My duuuuuuuuuudes! You figured it out!!”
“Show yourself, Lee!” shouted Harrison to the simulated sky.
“Hahah, OK! Sure thing, bro!” Suddenly, before the group appeared four duplicates of Tommy Lee! Simulated Tommy’s, all with the same grin on their faces.
“Grace under pressure, guys!” advised the Brainiac.
“How come he doesn’t have to wear a shirt, but I do??” asked Jex incredulously.
“I think we can take off our disguises,” answered the Brainiac. “Show ‘im why you’re called Jex Rambo!”
With that, Jex ripped his shirt off and roared. Aaron tore the wig from his head and put on his war face. The Brainiac removed his fake moustache, and handed it to Harrison to compensate for his dyed one.
“Northern Lights…kick ass!” commanded the Brainiac.
The four Tommy’s rushed towards them while the Northern Lights took a defensive stance. Aaron kicked one Tommy in the nuts. Jex lifted one Tommy into the air, and threw him directly at another Tommy. The last Tommy seemed to malfunction and ran right past the group, heading into a simulated tattoo parlour, presumably to get a simulated tattoo.
“Is that all you have, Lee?” taunted the Brainiac. “Turn off this simulation and show yourself for real this time. We’re unarmed.” He raised his hands to prove a point.
Like moving pictures, the simulation…shifted. Windows slid down into the ground, doors dissolved, and the sky changed to metal. Time seemed to stand still. Like an afterimage, the Toronto before them disappeared as if they were making memories. Now, before them, were the shining silver walls of an alien flying saucer.
“Yeah dudes! It’s me Tommy Lee from Motley Crue! Welcome to the Bouncy Castle amigos! That’s what I call this place, I like to hang here with my alien bros!”
“How long have we been aboard, Lee?” asked Harrison with caution.
“Dudes, you’ve been on this ship ever since you met up at the airport. That wasn’t a car you got into, that was this ship! See, we got some upgrades boys. There’s a new boss in town and he’s not the same as the old boss: Uni-ball.”
“Unicron,” corrected Harrison. “And yes I’ve met your boss.”
Merde! thought Jex to himself. Tommy Lee works for Unicron now!
“And now, prepare for my boot in your ass!” exclaimed Lee as he launched himself towards the four. Effortlessly, Jex took him down with a karate chop to the neck.
“OW!” screamed Lee in pain. “Bro!! That’s not cool man!”
“Well what did you expect, Tommy!?” asked Jex incredulously. “Seriously! And what the hell do you want anyway!”
Tommy Lee rubbed his tattooed neck with his tattooed hand, as he winced in pain. “You didn’t have to do that, man! I was just trying to get to know you guys a little better! My boss, Uni-ball, told me to spy on you, so I figured I’d show you a good time. A simulated record store seemed like something you’d enjoy, until it glitched up.” Tommy seemed…apologetic. “I wasn’t gonna hurt you guys. Nobody got hurt, right?”
“You did,” laughed Harrison.
“Oh yeah! I did!” laughed Tommy.
Aaron started to think. He paused several moments, and then asked his question. “Tommy…if you don’t wanna hurt anyone…why do you keep working for the bad guys?”
Tommy laughed. “Dude, I wrote a song called ‘Bad Boy Boogie’! I’m the bad boy of rock and roll! Who else would I side with?”
“He’s got a point,” said the Brainiac. “So Tommy, I guess this means you’re not interested in joining us, the good guys? You realize that…Uni-ball..is going to eat the Earth, right? He’s literally going to kill everyone you know. That’s what he does.”
Tommy laughed again. “Hahah, yeah dude! I saw that movie too! And I…don’t give a fuck! Not about Earth! Unicron is going to take me, my family, and my friends somewhere awesome after this. I get to be king of my own planet dude! Oh, don’t give me that look. Fucking self-righteous superheroes! You’d say yes too. Especially since there’s nothing anyone can do to stop him. You should be joining me, dudes. You could hang out with me and all my buds in paradise for the rest of your lives, or longer! Unicron says he can keep us alive forever.”
“As what? A cyborg slave to him? No thanks!” answered Moustachio. “I speak for all of us when I say, no way.”
“No way!” echoed the other three.
“Well, fuck you!” said Tommy, as he spat on the ground.
“That does it,” said Jex in as calm a voice as he could muster. He took three steps towards Tommy Lee, put him in a headlock, and a simultaneous standing leglock. Tommy winced in pain.
“Ow, dude, stop, fuck!” moaned the Motley Crue drummer.
“This is what’s going to happen, Tommy. You’re going to set us down somewhere safe, and you’re going to open those doors and lower that ramp. Then, after we get off, you leave this planet. Or, I break your neck. Your choice Tommy.” Jex was not kidding.
“But I got a gig at the Roxy next week!!” complained Tommy in pain.
“I do know one thing,” said Jex. “One choice or another, you’re not making that gig next week.” He tightened his grip.
“Fine fine let go! I’ll…I’ll leave Earth,” submitted Tommy Lee, as Jex released his grip. Lee took a remote control from his pocket and hit a button. The doors to the craft opened, and a ramp lowered. Outside, the four could see airplanes parked on a runway.
“We never left the airport!” gasped Aaron.
“Nah dude, why not park my spaceship at an airport, right?” said Tommy.
Mike shrugged. “Makes sense. Well, we’re not going to make it back to Toronto in time to go shopping anymore. You guys may as well crash at the cottage tonight and we’ll make a go of it tomorrow.” He then turned to Tommy Lee. “You may have aliens, but we have a Jex. You mess with us again, and he’ll make sure it’s the last time. We clear?”
“Yeah dude,” mumbled Tommy. He then raised the ramp. “I just wanted to be friends, you dicks!” he yelled as the doors closed.
“Good riddance,” said Aaron. “I never thought I’d say this in my life, but I never want to see Tommy Lee again.”
“Me neither,” said Harrison. “But do you think that’s the last we’ll see of him?”
Jex grimaced. “Not a chance. He lied. He’ll be back. And when he does…”
“When he does,” cautioned Mike, “the Northern Lights will be there.”
The end.
THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN: PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 
THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN: PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA
THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS: PHASE THREE – THE UNICRON SAGA
SPINOFFS AND SIDE QUESTS
THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’
THE WRITER’S ROOM
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