THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS – Phase 3 – The Unicron Saga

Chapter Three:  The More Things Change…

Starring:

• Harrison El Moustachio
• Mike the Brainiac
• Mr. Durling
• Jexciter
• Bernard
• Some nasty monsters and knights!
  

---

It was a dark and stormy knight. And it wasn’t happy. Under a violet moon it kneeled amid the burnt rubble of what had once been the completely intact great hall of a once-formidable stronghold.

A blackened skeleton lay on the ground by him, surrounded by the fragments of a red guitar and a black helmet. A familiar helmet. A chill dropped over the already-cold mid Winter’s night.

Getting to his feet, the stormy knight let out a piercing scream, as thunder and lightning raged all around.

Whoever did this was going to pay.

 

---

 

“So what do you think?” Tim Durling asked El Moustachio, gesturing to a computer screen. The two were in the midst of planning Moustachio’s new secret lair. After all, when he returned to Australia, he would need a state of the art HQ to lead the Australian division of the Northern Lights from.

“It looks great. I can’t believe you got a real transporter system working,” Moustachio gushed. “Soon we’ll be able to meet up all over the world in seconds.”

“Analog’s the trick, every time,” Tim replied with a smile.

“Where’s that door lead?” Moustachio asked, eyeing a rectangle on the northern wall.

“Straight to the garage,” Tim replied.  “For easy access to the Interceptor.”

Moustachio nodded sagely, agreeing with the sentiment.  “You know, if we move the desk slightly, I reckon we can fit in another shelf of CDs there,” he began to say.

Unfortunately, the pair’s discussions were rudely interrupted by a flashing red light that beeped incessantly, demanding the undivided attention of the room’s occupants.

“Hang on a sec,” Tim said, pressing a button on the console in front of him.

A video feed appeared. It looked like it was in a European forest somewhere.

“We took the liberty of placing cameras at the sites of some of your previous battles,” Tim explained. “Just in case anything happened there we’d want to investigate. And it looks like one of the squirrel drones in Romania has spotted something interesting.”

The two men watched the video. The camera panned over to a damaged castle. From inside were bright flashes of light accompanied by cracks of thunder.

This location was, of course, Infernum Keep, the former stronghold of Count Infernus. The vampiric warlord may have been long dead, but that didn’t mean his effects hadn’t caused a lot of trouble for people in the years since.

Almost two years ago, Tee Bone Man fought a group of Satan’s knights there to stop them getting their hands on a veritable doomsday device. The castle had been set alight during those events, but judging from the video feed they had just received, most of the stonework had survived with just a little charring.

Moustachio had been peripherally involved in that adventure, but hadn’t travelled to Romania. This time things were probably going to be a little different.

“That doesn’t look good.” Moustachio mused. “I still remember the trouble this place caused the first time. We’d better investigate.”

“I agree. Something untoward appears to be happening there. And with this location we can’t take any chances. Take Jex and the team there and get to the bottom of this,” Tim instructed the Australian.

“I’ve already let Brainiac know. He’s swung by Jex’s to pick him up.” He continued. “They should meet you at the airport, where I’ve arranged a plane for you.”

“What about you?” Moustachio asked.

“I’m sorry but I’ve got to monitor a mission Night Ranger is about to go on,” Tim replied, rolling up one of his green sleeves to glance at his watch. “He really needs someone in the chair or else he can go off the rails a bit.”

“Alright then, looks like I’ve got some packing to do,” Moustachio replied.

 

 

It was approximately six hours later, and Moustachio was arriving in the waiting lounge. Jex and Brainiac had already made themselves at home, and welcomed the Australian.

“Moustachio! Glad you made it. Sorry to cut your visit to Durling Foundation HQ short, but this is quite important,” Jex said.

“I agree. There’ll be plenty of time for interior decorating later,” Moustachio replied.

“So what do you remember of the castle?” Brainiac asked him.

“Actually, I never went to Romania,” Moustachio replied. “But Tim’s supplied us with a mission report from Tee Bone Man to read on the flight over. That should give us all the info we need.”

“Tim’s a smart man,” Brainiac mused, to nods all around.

While this was happening, the airport intercom decided this was the moment to move the plot along.

“Now boarding flight TVC-Force-1 at gate 3.”

“That’s our flight,” Jex said, grabbing his bags and heading in the direction of the gate.

It wasn’t long before they were on the plane, to find to their delight that the Durling Foundation had spared no expense with their members’ jet.

“Woo! Look at these chairs! So comfortable!” Brainiac cried as he leaned back.

“Ah, legroom!”, Moustachio sighed, stretching out his longer-than-average legs with plenty of room to spare.

The group got comfortable as the pilots began their pre-flight checks, and it wasn’t long before they were in the air.

 

 

Given the journey was going to take more than a couple hours, our heroes had decided to try and get some sleep before their mission. But this was rudely interrupted by some turbulence as they neared the airport. A lot of turbulence, actually. The cause was immediately apparent by looking out the window.

An unnaturally large thunderstorm was looming on the horizon.

“There’s no way we can go through that,” the copilot said, looking at the weather radar display.

“We’ll have to divert,” the captain replied, agreeing with him. “Braşov is nearby. We can make that with the fuel we have. New heading 165.”

“New heading 165,” the copilot echoed, as the plane began to turn with the input.

In the passenger compartment, the captain’s voice came over the intercom.

“Attention, this is your captain speaking. We’ll have to divert to Braşov to land. It’s a day’s travel from where you want to be, but we have no choice alas. I’ve contacted the Durling Foundation, and they’ll have transport arranged for you when you arrive.

This route still took them on the outskirts of the storm, which posed no small danger. The storm seemed alive, and it was as if the lightning was targeting the plane itself. It appeared their secret voyage wasn’t as secret as they had hoped. Moustachio was certainly glad when they finally hit terra firma again.

And sure to the captain’s word, a coach was waiting to take them to the village by Infernum Keep. As they sat down and got comfortable, Moustachio looked out the window. That storm couldn’t be natural.

“This is going to be a tough one buddy. You sure you’re up to this?” he asked the small black squirrel on his shoulder.

The squirrel gave him an exaggerated salute.

“Awesome. You know I feel safer with you around.”

The whole group got comfortable, and the coach set off on its journey. They were able to get ample rest, but couldn’t shake the feeling that this was only the calm before the real storm.

 

 

Later that evening, our heroes finally arrived in the village. The sun was beginning to set, casting a golden glow over the houses and buildings. By popular vote it had been decided that the team would source dinner first. Finding the Olde Mill Inn was not difficult, but as they entered they were nearly bowled over by the volume of one of the inhabitants.

“My friends! Let us feast to this momentous occasion!” cried a voice in a suspiciously old English accent. The source of this, they shortly discovered, was none other than the knight Bernard.

Bernard had been a member of the Northern Lights for a while now, but was rarely seen as he preferred to remain mobile, helping those in need across the globe. But when he received Tim’s messenger pigeon urging this situation to be of the utmost importance, he procured the fastest horse he could.

A veritable banquet had been prepared, and our heroes were all too ready to accept, digging in with gusto. Much food was eaten. Laughs were had. Stories were shared. Bernard had plenty of tales from his time as a medieval knight, and Moustachio regaled the group with his exploits across the multiverse. But all good things must come to an end, and so with the emptying of plates and bowls, it was time to begin the adventure proper.

Jex began to make for the door, but Brainiac piped up with a very valid point.

“Let’s ask around the village a bit first. Maybe they know something, and we can have some idea of what we’ll be walking into. Plus we don’t want to be walking into an adventure with just-filled stomachs now, do we?”

Our heroes nodded, and all set out to glean any reconnaissance that they could. When the group reconvened, it turned out they really weren’t all that much more informed than before.

“Really? That’s all they know?” Jex asked. “We could tell that watching a camera feed from halfway across the globe.”

“You can’t really blame them,” Moustachio replied. “Would you like to investigate the mysterious castle where people are disappearing?”

“Fair point. Well, where are we going from here then?”

“I guess it’s time to head in,” Moustachio said, turning towards the hill the castle was situated on.

As our heroes neared the front gate, the effects of the previous battle here began to become much more apparent. Not even the twisted oak hanging tree by the westmost tower had survived the destruction wrought here all those moons ago.

Scorch marks covered the walls of the keep, and several parts of the building had crumbled away from the fire damage. Most of the castle still appeared to be staying up (just a little worse for wear) but there was no telling what internal damage had occurred. They’d have to watch their step inside.

As they approached, three black crows flew from the tree to the tallest tower high above. Moustachio could not shake the sense of foreboding that troubled him.

As the Northern Lights entered the once-grand hall, the devastating effects of Tee Bone Man’s battle were truly laid bare. A thick layer of ash covered most of the room, and what remained of any recognisable banisters or sculptures had been nightmarishly distorted by the heat.

“I’m not sure I want to have been here the first time,” Moustachio said, cautiously stepping forward.

“Where are we going from here? What’s the fastest way to the throne room?” Jex asked.

“Through here, I think,” Moustachio replied, motioning towards a door on the right.

The Australian took a couple steps into this room, followed by Bernard. The other two men would have continued this retinue, were it not for a portcullis slamming down in the doorway, separating them into two groups. Somewhere up above a bell began to toll.

 

 

“Oops,” Moustachio said, raising his foot and revealing he had stepped on a booby-trapped tile.

Jex grabbed hold of the bars and tugged hard, but they did not budge in the slightest.

“We don’t have time,” Brainiac said. “We have to clear our of here before we’re cornered. Continue on. We’ll meet up with you further up.”

Moustachio nodded and turned towards the exit of the room. Bernard followed him, looking upwards at the ceiling to try and see if there were any more traps lying in wait above. He’d hate to share Catherine Howard’s fate (His old Lady. A tale for another day.)

The other two men turned back towards the great hall. There options weren’t great. One of the doors was blocked by rubble, and they couldn’t risk wasting time trying any on the upper level. The sound of clattering and clamouring was getting closer, as the bell continued to ring above. There was only one option left.

“Quick, in here!”Jex said, flinging open the door opposite the one that was blocked by the portcullis, and entering cautiously.

They seemed to be an antechamber of some kind. A cloakroom was off to the side. Probably not the best place to hide, in all consideration. They quickly crossed the room and entered into a very large open hall.

Before the fire it appeared to have been a spectacular dining hall, but now more resembled a deadly game of hopscotch. Several large portions of the floor had burned away, creating a long drop into the blackness of the cellar below.

“I don’t like the look of this room.” Jex called over his shoulder.

“I don’t think we have the time to double back to the main hall and look for another option. We’ll just have to chance it.” Brainiac replied.

The two men cautiously ventured forth, making sure to take distinct routes to avoid overloading the charred wooden planks with too much weight. This worked until they both converged on one bottleneck spot. There was no avoiding this. The Brainiac went first, with Jex very tenderly following after.

Unfortunately, the added weight of the muscle-bound hero was too much for the rotting beams to take. With an almighty crash, the floor gave way and Jex and the Brainiac were sent plummeting down into the cellar below.

Landing in the flooded bottom of the cellar didn’t render any injuries unto our heroes, but it certainly knocked the wind out of them. However, it didn’t take them long to realise they weren’t alone here. A shifting mass towards the end of the room made a dissatisfied noise and began to unravel itself.

It was difficult to make out in the gloom, but it appeared to be a giant snake of some sorts. Which was very bad news for the two regular size humans that had just so invitingly entered its lair, waist-high in alcohol and sewerage.

 

---

Up above, Moustachio and Bernard were not having much luck either. A mysterious creature was very close, perhaps only a room away. The two men had to tread very carefully. Moustachio led the way, having studied some old plans of the castle on the flight over. Thankfully they were approaching a stairwell and would soon have some breathing space. Or so they thought.

The Australian peeked around the corner, and his blood froze cold. There, blocking the entrance to the stairwell, was Frankenstein’s monster himself.

“It’s the monster,” Moustachio whispered to Bernard. “He’s blocking the door.”

“The vultures will dine on his head tonight,” Bernard whispered back, reaching for his sword.

“Let’s not rush into combat so hastily,” the Australian counseled, pushing Bernard’s hilt back into the scabbard.

“We’ll have plenty fighting to do later, I’m sure. Let me try something,” Moustachio said with a smile, ducking away to confront the creature.

The Australian straightened his moustache and sauntered out into the room, doing his best to look officious.

The monster growled and began to stagger towards him. Steeling himself, and in his best approximation of a Scottish accent, Moustachio began to speak.

“Don’t take that tone with me my good man! Now buttle off and tell Ispahsalar Infernus that Lord Clarence McDonald and his lovely assistant are here to view the tapestries.”

The creature faltered in its advance, clearly unsure how to proceed. Moustachio, sensing an opening, continued.

“I’ll have you know, inspecting tapestries is a serious business. A man in Serbia was killed when a poorly attached tapestry fell and smothered him. Imagine the shame on the Infernus name if one of the many pieces in this castle were to fall upon poor prospective buyer Mickey Mouse.”

The creature, perhaps simply only to extricate himself from this very confusing situation, walked off through a door to the left and ascended a set of stairs. Both of them knew there’d be plenty of time to bump into one another again.

Moustachio turned back to face the also-confused Bernard.

“You know, I’m surprised that worked myself. Come on, let’s get going before he works out Ispahsalar isn’t a Romanian military rank.”

Bernard obliged, following Moustachio up the staircase to the next floor.

---

Back in the cellar, Brainiac and Jex were running out of things to throw. They’d been able to keep the giant snake at bay on the other side of the room with a steady supply of wine bottles and amphoras, but they wouldn’t be able to do this forever. Brainiac tossed the last of the dandelion wine, and then reached for the last box of bottles.

“Not that one!” Jex cried, holding Brainiac’s arm. “That’s a 1458 vintage!”

“Bloody hell Jex!” Brainiac replied, putting the bottle away and reaching for another. “There’s only two left now.”

The situation looked dire. But a small neuron fired in Jex’s head, boarded his train of thought, and arrived in his memory core.

“I have an idea!” Jex cried. “Remember the tomb of Sir Richard in The Last Crusade?”

“How could I forget.” Brainiac answered, already flipping a large crate over and reaching for a flare in his backpack. Waiting until Jex was under a box of his own, Brainiac lit the flare and held it aloft. The red light illuminated the dark room, and the Canadian could see that the serpent seemed somewhat mesmerized by the flare.

Taking advantage of this, Brainiac hurled the flare towards the far end of the room.

“God save the keg,” he said before quickly getting under his upturned box. The instant the flare hit the sea of alcohol, the room ignited into a furious firestorm. Jex and the Brainiac remained safe under their boxes, but the snake was not so fortunate. It writhed and hissed in pain as it burned to death over the course of the next few moments.

The two upturned boxes, meanwhile, floated across the burning liquid as their occupants directed them towards the exit door. Choosing their moment, Jex and Brainiac emerged unscathed from underneath and ascended the staircase back to the ground level of the castle.

 

---

Much higher up, Bernard and Moustachio had made it to the room on the map that was indicated to contain the entrance to the throne room. But instead of a double spiral staircase, there was only a barren brick wall.

Maybe it was remodeled at some point? Or the layout was changed while building? Moustachio thought to himself. No, this room is the only one that is directly below the throne room. It has to be here somewhere, hidden. There must be a mechanism for unlocking it.

The Australian began to look around, desperate to find any clue as to how to reveal the hidden staircase. His eyes drifted to two lion statues set against either end of the wall. Each one had a recess in its forehead.

“Bingo,” Moustachio said, turning to Bernard. “We need to find two crystals that fit into those statues. That should trigger a mechanism that will reveal the staircase.”

Bernard nodded, and the two men set about vigilantly searching the room. There were a number of desks and draws to look through, which hampered proceedings. Moustachio checked behind what he presumed was a self-portrait of Count Infernus himself, expecting a hidden safe.

“Blast,” he cursed, as his search came up fruitless.

He moved onto the small mahogany desk underneath the portrait. Throwing open a drawer, he began to impatiently rifle through it. The contents were mostly letters addressed to all manner of people. One caught his eye though, as the name on the front was Adorian Tepes. What did Infernus possibly want with a famed Vampire hunter?

“Found it!” Bernard exclaimed from across the room, pulling a large ruby out of a teapot on a desk. “Have you the other one?”

“No. I’ve checked everywhere in here. The other one could be anywhere in this massive castle,” Moustachio moaned. “Oh wait. Oh no. I saw a blue gem of roughly the same size on the monster’s belt as it was leaving.”

“Marvelous,” Bernard said, entirely sarcastically.

“Well we’d better get back down there and find him I suppose,” Moustachio sighed. “Bring the other crystal with you. We don’t want to risk someone snatching it while we’re away.”

“Do you have a plan for getting the other one?” Bernard asked, while retrieving the red gem.

“I think I’m going to let my little friend take the lead on that,” Moustachio said, with a sly smile as he looked to Ripper on his shoulder.

 

---

Further down below in the castle, Jex and Brainiac were very carefully creeping along. There was no telling what horrors could be patrolling the castle, and they’d hate to have to face down any number of them.

They were approaching a corner when Jex silently held a fist up, indicating to the Brainiac behind him to stop. From the room beyond the sound of liquid cascading could be heard. A few seconds later it would go silent, then resume. This couldn’t be a natural occurrence. Someone had to be in the room.

Jex inched to the edge of the wall and very slowly peered around. The sight before him was mildly confusing to say the least. There appeared to be a corpse slumped against the far wall, pouring alcohol directly into the open top of his neck.

You see, this was the Headless Horseman, who Tee Bone Man had encountered the last time they were here. Tee Bone Man had left the crownless-cavalryman to burn with the castle, but it seems he was a little harder to kill than anticipated. His horse, however, didn’t seem to have such luck, making him now more of a headless, horseless man.

“Do you think he’s a threat?” Jex asked.

“Only to himself, by the look of it,” Brainiac replied. “He doesn’t seem to have taken his defeat to Tee Bone Man too well.”

Indeed, the Horseman had become somewhat of an alcoholic of late, if the contents of the room (mostly empty bottles) were anything to go by. This also explained the relative lack of bottles in the cellar below.

“Why don’t we try a little diplomacy?” the Brainiac asked, stepping out into the room.

“Hello there!” He spoke. “My friend and I have no quarrel with you. We’re just here to investigate the upper tower’s new resident.”

The Horseman turned his neck slightly, as if angling an ear towards the sound. Brainiac took this as interest on the listener’s part, and an opportunity to continue.

“If there’s anything you can do to help us find him, it would be greatly appreciated. Regardless, we will be one our way within moments to leave you to your drinking.”

A pause filled the room for what felt like minutes, until the Horseman finally moved. Wordlessly (as usual) the Horseman threw a bottle against the far wall. It struck a slightly off-coloured brick, which moved inwards with the impact.

A grinding sound then filled the room as hidden mechanisms in one of the walls began to move after such a long time of inaction. Slowly but surely a secret passage was revealed.

“Thank you,” the Brainiac said to the Horseman as he followed Jex into the passage.

 

---

Upstairs the clock ticked on. Moustachio and Bernard were tearing back up the castle, blue crystal in hand. They had no idea when the monster would notice the missing crystal, or how long it would take him to catch up, but they certainly didn’t want to find out.

After an eternity of winding corridors and tiring staircases, they were finally back in the room with the statues. Each with a crystal in hand, they stood before the lion statues, poised. Moustachio nodded, and the two placed their crystals in their respective recesses in the lion statues’ heads.

Immediately the sound of stone grinding filled their ears, as an imposing spiral staircase began to form out of the wall between the two statues. Moustachio knew this would lead to the throne room, which was the very room from the squirrel drone’s video footage.

“Should we wait for our allies?” Bernard asked, looking up the passage that had just been created.

Moustachio thought for a moment.

“I don’t think we can afford to. The monster will surely have heard the noise. If we don’t face whatever’s in that room soon, we may have to contend with both it and Frankenstein’s monster at the same time. “

“Very well.” Bernard nodded. “I can see your wisdom. I just only hope this goes better than that night at Eggerseberg.” (Another tale of Bernard’s. Perhaps there’ll be a chapter dedicated to them in the future.)

The knight then followed Moustachio in ascending the staircase to the top of the tower.

---

“Why can’t we be the ones they’re scared of? Coming out of the goddam walls and all that. I’d prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking around,” Jex moaned, evidently wanting something to punch.

“When you have sharp teeth, claws and demonic wings you can do the stalking. But for now we have to keep a low, quiet, profile.”

Jex began to mutter under his breath, no doubt cursing the rotten luck that they never got to investigate any gyms.

“Shh!” Brainiac hissed, as the sound of a creature walking on the other side of the wall could be heard.

After a short time the sound faded and Jex let out a breath.

“Let’s hope we get were we’re going soon.” He said, squeezing around a pipe. “It’s going to be tough to fight in here if we get discovered.”

“I think it’s this way.” Brainiac motioned, looking at some bloody writing on the wall. “I hope our friends have had better luck, wherever they are.”

---

 

The jury was still out on whether encountering the being before them constituted good or bad luck. It probably depended on how the soon-to-occur fight went. Moustachio and Bernard stood at the precipice of the room, peaking around the doorframe.

The room was vast, seemingly bigger on the inside that it had looked from down below. An inner ring of bookshelves created a small haven in the middle, while more bookcases lined the outer walls. One of the room’s corner’s was destroyed, opening out into the cool night air.

On the opposite end a large stained glass window framed a dark being. He was clad in a black garb that almost absorbed the light around, with a large pilgrim hat sitting atop his head. Situated on the cone of the hat was a large yellow eye that swiveled around the room, searching.

“I know you’re here,” The dark being’s voice rang out. “You merely delay the inevitable scurrying like rats back there.”

Exchanging a look, the Moustachio and Bernard cautiously entered the room

“Good, good,” The being spoke. “I have been waiting just for you. You killed my brother the Black Knight. Now I will finally have my revenge.”

“I think he’s confusing us with Tee Bone Man,” Moustachio whispered to Bernard. “But I don’t think telling him that is going to end well.”

“Then I will be sure to tell him my name when I run him through with my sword,” Bernard replied.

“And what is your name then?” Moustachio called out to the man across the room. “For we will need to know what to put on your tombstone when we bury you next to him.”

“I am the More Black Knight,” the More Black Knight said, as Moustachio tried to hold his laughter in. “And I shall not be the one to die tonight.”

The More Black Knight drew back imposingly, but before anyone in the room could react, a bookcase on the north wall creaked open to reveal a passage from which emerged Jex and the Brainiac.

 

“The thing is,” the Brainiac mused, “how much more black than black can you really be?”

“Well, none more black,” Jex continued. “Black is black. Anything even slightly less dark is just a very dark grey. And there’s no such thing as a darker shade of black.”

“SILENCE!” the More Black Knight roared, interrupting the impromptu discussion. “Your trivialities matter none. Revenge will be mine tonight.”

Wasting no more time, he whipped his cloak off and readied his weapon- a large, mystical scythe. His eyes began to glow an electric cyan, and a dark aura surrounded him.

“This is no ordinary foe,” Bernard said, as the More Black Knight began to advance. “We will need a weapon of immense power. Can you buy me some time to get down to the armoury?”

“Consider it bought.” Moustachio replied, drawing his boomerang and advancing on the More Black Knight.

Brainiac and Jex joined him, as Bernard turned and ran towards the exit. His trip was stopped almost immediately, however, by the arrival of Frankenstein’s monster at the top of the stairwell. The creature reached for Bernard, but was summarily knocked sideways out of the way by one very muscly human’s shoulder.

“Go!” Jex cried, engaged in a grapple with the hulking monster.

Bernard tore off down the stairs as Brainiac and Moustachio squared up against the More Black Knight. Brainiac ignited his lightsaber and brought it up to guard. The distinctive red crossguard design cast a scarlet glow across his face as he and Moustachio began to duel the More Black Knight.

Brainiac made the first strike, bringing his lightsaber down with force on the More Black Knights scythe. How Brainiac expected this to go was probably to see his blade slice right through the scythe. How it actually happened was that the mystical weapon met the lightsaber and blocked it without even a hint of damage. The impact nearly knocked the saber from Brainiac’s grip, as Moustachio unleashed his attacks to similar fruitlessness.

“I’ve been looking forward to this!” the More Black Knight cackled, as he effortlessly kept his two assailants at bay.

 

Across the room, Jex and Frankenstein’s monster were locked in mortal combat. Gripping each other’s shoulders they slammed each other into the walls, bookshelves and, occasionally, the other combatants in the room.

Jex was not as strong as the monster and he knew it, but he did have a brain. And that gave him a distinct tactical advantage. Knowing how to use the strength he did have was going to be what won him this battle.

Jex allowed himself to be maneuvered towards the corner of the room that was broken and opened out into the night. Baiting the monster into lunging for him, Jex nimbly rolled out of the way. Before the monster could react, the shirtless Canadian grabbed him and hoisted him into the air.

However, a second before Jex was about to throw the monster down, the bolts in its neck attracted the next lightning strike. With a thunderous crack the high-powered electricity flowed through both bodies, knocking them both to the ground, smoking. Frankenstein’s monster twitched a few times, before lying still. Jex didn’t move at all.

“Jex!” Moustachio cried.

The More Black Knight took advantage of the distraction and slammed the blunt end of his scythe into Moustachio’s chest. Imbued with mystical energy, the impact sent the Australian flying. Moustachio sailed across the room, striking a bookshelf and falling to the ground under a pile of arcane literature.

Brainiac, now currently the sole opponent of the More Black Knight attempted to finish the fight quickly, heavily striking at his opponent multiple times in a row. But this made him careless and the More Black Knight, anticipating the next strike, was able to neatly excise Brainiac’s weapon from his hand with a flourish of his blade.

Brainiac’s lightsaber hilt flew across the room, disappearing into a shadowy corner.

The More Black Knight levelled his weapon at Brainiac’s chest and began to laugh.

“You’ve failed. There’ll be no second chance for you.”

Brainiac frantically glanced around the room as the More Black Knight continued to gloat.

“And now you die – hurk!”

The dark being doubled over in pain, unable to make good on his threat. Clutching his stomach, he tried vainly to remove the glowing sword embedded in it. From behind him Bernard emerged, kicking the More Black Knight onto the ground. Without so much as even batting an eye at his dying enemy, Bernard calmly walked past, pulling the sword from its moorings in the More Black Knight’s back.

“Thanks Bernard,” The Brainiac said. “You really showed him.”

“Indeed.” Bernard replied. “We are lucky Mr Infernus decided to keep such holy weapons here, apparently safely away from his enemies. Mr Morris’s sword was exactly what I needed to slay this foul creature.”

But things were not over yet. From the ground the sound of their foe’s laughter could be heard. A foe that had been thought vanquished. The sound of the low, hoarse chuckling chilled their spines they turned back to look at the More Black Knight’s “corpse”. His body had begun to writhe and bubble, as massive fleshy growths began to take form on his rapidly expanding body. Ripper let out a hiss and retreated back behind Moustachio’s leg. Moustachio, having extricated himself from the pile of books, was regretting that decision and rather wished there was someone’s leg he could hide behind.

 

The twisted monstrosity before them was unlike anything they had seen before. Towering above them was the upper torso of the More Black Knight, sprouting out of a hairy black spider’s thorax. Eight large legs protruding from the large body kept this knightmare  balanced. It spoke, but from where the voice came from could not be discerned, as what passed for a face was now dominated by piercing yellow eyes.

“My powers have increased exponentially since you may have last seen me, Bernard,” The creature sneered. “Now your fate is written in the stars. Perish, like the rest of your kin!”

With a roar the creature charged forward, catching Bernard in the midriff with a leg and slamming him against the stone wall. The knight sank to his knees, dazed. Laughing, the spider creature raised a leg, preparing to squash the fair knight.

But Moustachio wasn’t about to let that happen. He hurled his boomerang into the space between the two, with Ripper hanging on for dear life as it sailed across the room.

At the moment the boomerang was positioned in front of the spider creature, Ripper leapt from it, landing on the More Black Knight’s face and obscuring his vision.

Bernard got to his feet and ran off behind a bookcase, at which point the black squirrel very gratefully leapt off the creature’s face and scurried under a bookcase to hide for the rest of the battle (though he would tell you it was to look for Brainiac’s lightsaber).

“Thanks Ripper!” Moustachio yelled as he caught his boomerang. The spider-creature then turned its attention to him.

“Eeep,” Moustachio squeaked.

 

The situation was infinitely worse now. The creature, though big, was still smaller than the room and able to maneuver around it with no trouble. And it was fast. The Northen Lights had several close calls in a manner of seconds, barely able to dive away in time before a giant spider limb slammed down.

In a brief moment of respite when the creature was on the other side of the room, Brainiac quickly turned to Moustachio.

“I have an idea. Can you keep it occupied for a minute?”

Moustachio gave him a look that suggested that he could, but that if people kept asking for him to cover them, things might not end well for him.

“Just call my name, I’ll be there,” Brainiac yelled over his shoulder as he ran back into the darkness of a corner. Taking a moment to hide behind a bookcase, he pulled out his phone and dialed.

“Please pick up. Please pick up.” he repeated, nervously looking up at the shadow of the moon in the window above.

“Hello?” came a Canadian voice from the other end.

“Yes!” the Brainiac cried. “Aaron, how quickly can you get something to the rooftop of a Romanian castle?”

“Would you like it gift-wrapped or just plain packaging?” the voice of Aaron of the KMA said from the other end.

“You’re a legend! Ok, here’s what we need…”

Across the room Moustachio was breathing heavily. Every dodge drained him of strength. The margins were getting thinner. Eventually he was going to be too slow. And he couldn’t even begin to think about an offensive.

Bernard was doing his best too, but both men were tiring, and the More Black Knight could tell. He was unrelenting in his attacks.

“Mike! We need you here!” Moustachio called over his shoulder. “All together, we can vanquish him!”

“Your hope is foolish,” The creature gloated. “A thousand men have tried. A thousand failed. You have no chance.”

“I dunno about that,” Brainiac said, holding an RPG. “We call this a rocket launcher, and I suspect they didn’t have these over in the land of darkness.”

Before the mutant spider-knight could react, the Canadian fired.

The rocket tore across the room as Bernard and Moustachio dove for cover. It struck the creature directly on the body, engulfing it in fire and knocking it through the window of the room.

The flaming spider-creature plummeted down the side of the tower, before coming to an abrupt stop on the spikes of the gate down on ground level.

After a few tentative seconds, Moustachio peered down.

“It’s hard to tell from this height, but I think that’s done it.”

Indeed, the great big spider’s legs had curled upwards, and a very large amount of blood was beginning to pool outwards from the body.

Wasting no time, Brainiac rushed to Jex’s side and began checking on the unconscious man.

“He’ll be alright,” Brainiac said, looking up at Bernard and Moustachio.

“Let’s get back to the village then,” Moustachio replied. “We can rest up there for a bit before we head back home.”

---

 

“A toast!” Bernard cried. “To all our yesterdays and their gifts. But more importantly to tomorrow. To the friends passed and to those I now have the privilege to call.”

“Hear hear,” Came the replies from the three other men at the table.

 

---

 

Meanwhile, far far away in the depths of Hell Satan stood and watched silently. Within the crystal ball before him he could see the remains of the More Black Knight. It wasn’t unexpected, but he had to admit he was disappointed in the totality of the More Black Knight’s failure. Especially after Satan had so helpfully directed him to the ones responsible for his brother’s fate.

It looks like the devil would indeed have some adversity to overcome the next time he tried to conquer rock heaven. Turning to face one of his demonic servants, he began to speak.

“Patch me through to Unicron. I think he’d be quite interested in knowing the capabilities of earth’s new heroes.”

The lord of hell began to laugh. At first a low sound, but soon it erupted into guffaws that echoed all throughout the dark stronghold. Oh yes, Unicron would be most interested in this.

And though few who witnessed it could truly know its significance, all across the realms of the multiverse the Morning Star glowed a bright crimson.

 

---

HE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

• Chapter Zero:  Tee Bone Man – Origins (by LeBrain)
• Chapter One: A Friend in Need (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Two: Hell Freezes Over (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Three: Hell Ain’t A Bad Place to Be (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Four: Tee Bone Man and the Rink of…Doom? (by Aaron KMA)
• Chapter Five: The Super Duper Vault (by John T. Snow)
• Chapter Six: Tee Bone Man Goes to Camp (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Seven:  The Revenge of Common Knowledge (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Eight:  Tee Bone & Deke’s Time Travelling Adventure (by 80sMetalMan)
• Chapter Nine:  Castle Communications (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Ten:  The Case of the Lost Iron Maiden Socks (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Eleven:  A Tee Bone Man Christmas (by all five of us)
• Chapter Twelve:  Lost In Space (by John T. Snow)
• Chapter Thirteen:  Clip Show (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Fourteen:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Discover the Tao (An Intermission) (By Aaron KMA)
• Chapter Fifteen: Status Acoustic – The Really Big Deal (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Sixteen:  A Crazy Crazy Night (part 1) (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Sixteen:  A Crazy Crazy Night (part 2) (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Sixteen:  A Crazy Crazy Night (part 3) (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Seventeen:  Tee Bone Man vs. Edie Van Heelin’ (by LeBrain)

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

• Chapter Eighteen:  Shinzon – Origins (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Nineteen:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes vs. the Lego (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty:  The Death of Edie Van Heelin’ (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty-One:  Fate of the Brainiac (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty-Two:  Enter:  The Durling Foundation (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty-Three:  Tee Bone Man’s NYE Extravaganza!  (By all of us!)
• Chapter Twenty-Four:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Go Back to School Part 1 (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty-Four:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Go Back to School Part 2 (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty-Five (flashback):  Tee Bone and Ripper the Squirrel Return to Camp (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty-Six:  The Final Chapter (by Harrison Kopp)

THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS:  PHASE THREE – THE UNICRON SAGA

• Chapter One:  Creatures of the Night (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Two:  The Return of Dr. K (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Three:  The More Things Change (by Harrison Kopp)

 

SPINOFFS AND SIDE QUESTS

• Noirison:  Chapter One (By Holen)
• Noirison:  Chapter Two (By Holen)
• Noirison:  Chapter Three (By Holen) 2024
• Who’s the Mole in Rock and Roll Heaven? (by 80sMetalMan)
• Shinzon – Dread and the Fugitive Mind (By Harrison Kopp)
• Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures: Chapter 1 – Farao Way From Home (By Harrison Kopp)
• Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures: Chapter 2:  Train of Consequence – Part One (By Harrison Kopp)
• Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures: Chapter 2:  Train of Consequence – Part Two (By Harrison Kopp)
• Snippison and Brainikin’s Excellent Adventure:  Chapter One
• Jen In Space:  Mission One (By LeBrain)
• Deep Black Rainbow:  The Full Concert (By 80sMetalMan)
• Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures:  Tales From The Multiverse Part 1- Man Of A Thousand Blades (by Harrison Kopp)
• Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures:  Tales From The Multiverse Part 2 – Homeward Bound (by Harrison Kopp

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 1:  Edie vs. Tommy Lee in the Bouncy Castle of Doom! (By LeBrain)
• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 2:  Edie and the Quest for the Lost Lego (By LeBrain with Harrison Kopp)
• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 3:  Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation (By LeBrain)
• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 4:  Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation Part 2 (By LeBrain & MarriedandHeels)
• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 5:  Edie Meets the Wolf (by LeBrain)
• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 6:  Edie’s Winter Vacation (By LeBrain & MarriedandHeels)

THE WRITER’S ROOM

• The Writer’s Room:  Chapter One
• The Writer’s Room:  It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like a Tee Bone Man Christmas
• The Writer’s Room:  Welcome to the Writer’s Room!
• The Writer’s Room:  Empty Room
• The Writer’s Room:  Summer Holidays!
• The Writer’s Room:  New Year’s Grieve!
• The Writer’s Room:  Return of the Snowman
• The Writer’s Room:  Snowman’s Gambit
• The Writer’s Room:  Outside the Writer’s Room