Part 291: The Old Geezer Who Called the Cops For a Refund

 

REFUNDS

 

“Don’t make me tap the sign again.”

 

RECORD STORE TALES Part 291:
The Old Geezer Who Called the Cops For a Refund

Let’s say you went into a store, and bought a movie.  Then a few days later, you decided you didn’t like the movie and wanted to return it.  What kind of questions would cross your mind?

Here are some thoughts I would have.

  1. Do I still have the receipt?
  2. Does it state the store’s return policy?
  3. Does my purchase qualify for a return?

Those are all great, relevant questions.  Unfortunately for one old geezer, he didn’t proceed past question 1.

I was working one night, and I wasn’t even working in my own store.  I was running our website at that point, and I was holed up in the back room of another store working away.  Filling orders, responding to emails, all that stuff.  I had worked a long long day, a “split shift”.  My morning was spent in my own store working the opening shift.  Then I was off from 2-5, and finished the day working on the website.  So I was back there, doing my own thing, not having to spend time interacting with customers except by email.

Then, one of the in-store staff came into the back room, looking for help.

“Mike, we’re having a problem with a customer.  He wants to return a movie, and he wants a refund.  Can you come out here?”

I was the most senior person on premises, so I stepped out to help.  Our return policy was stated clearly on store signage, and on the receipt:  “EXCHANGE ONLY WITHIN 7 DAYS.”  We informally stretched that to 14 days to avoid hassles, but refunds were not usually permitted.

I saw the old guy, and asked if I could help.

“Yeah, all I want is my money back.  I don’t want this movie.”

I used my “understanding” voice.  “I’m sorry to hear that.  Would you like to do an exchange?  You can pick out anything in the store and we can put this towards it as credit?”

“I don’t want to pick anything else.  You don’t have anything I want.  I want my money back.”

“I’m really sorry,” I said, “We don’t offer refunds on used movies.  The policy is on the sign there, and on the receipt.  But you don’t have to exchange it for a movie, you can use it towards anything in store.  Or I could order something in from another store.  Or I can issue you a credit note, and you can take that with you and use it any time you like?”

“I don’t want a credit.  I want my damn money back!”

I wasn’t going to budge just because he was insistent; I had been given shit for budging on the refund policy before by my boss. I preferred getting yelled at by customers than by him.

“I’m sorry but I can’t do that.  I can however offer you any of the other options I mentioned.”

“Where’s the boss?  I want to talk to him,” the old man spat out.

“He’s not here,” I answered.  “He made those policies so we wouldn’t have to constantly call him asking about refunds.”

“Well then I’m calling the police.  I want my money back and I’m getting it back!”

I stood there for a moment, shocked that anybody would think this was a police matter.  “You can do that if you like,” I answered simply.

“Can I use your phone?”

Seriously?  OK then.  I handed him the phone.  He fumbled with it for a few moments.

“Can you call the police for me?” he said after a moment.

This time I laughed.  “No, it’s not me who even wants to call the police!  You can call them, I don’t want anything to do with that.”

Left without options, the old man dialed and called the police himself.  Shockingly he said to them, “Can you send a couple officers here?  I don’t want this to get violent.”

Violent?!  Oh my God!  A couple officers?  What a great use of our police resources!

The fuzz showed up about half an hour later.  One officer.  It was a pretty quick, cut-and-dried visit.  He asked the old guy what the issue was; the old guy complained again that he wanted his money back and we wouldn’t give it to him.  Then he asked me for my side of the story.  I explained that we do not offer refunds, that the policy was clearly stated everywhere, and the old man had many options for returning the movie that did not involve a refund.

The officer spelled this out to the old man. In a few minutes, he had already picked a replacement movie and agreed to the exchange.   I stood there thinking, “He needed a police officer for this to happen?”  We exchanged the movie, and I thanked him for his business.  He then walked over to the cop and put his arm on his shoulder.  “I’d like to talk to you outside, about this matter,” he said to the cop, and they went outside together.

I don’t know what additional issues he needed to discuss with the law, but I never saw the old man again.

Bottom line:

If you can’t get what you want at a store, please please please don’t get the police involved.  It’s such a waste of resources.

 

 

REVIEW: KISS – Destroyer (Resurrected) replacement CD

My original Kiss – Destroyer (Resurrected) review can be found here.

SAM_0347KISS – Destroyer (Resurrected) (2012 Universal, replacement CD)

Good day, loyal LeBrain readers.

Back in 2012, Scott your Heavy Metal OverloRd informed me of a flaw in Kiss’ Destroyer (Resurrected) CD.  As he noted then, on the song “Flaming Youth”, there seemed to be a skip or some music missing: “It’s only about 4 seconds in just before Paul sings ‘Whoa Yeah’. It’s like there’s a half beat missing or something.”

When I noticed what he was talking about, it did effect my enjoyment of the CD. Once you hear it, you cannot un-hear it. I haven’t played Resurrected much in the last year and a half. Even iTunes downloads were affected by the flaw.

Then, recently, Scott informed me that Universal were replacing defective CDs for those who bought them. I didn’t realize this, in fact I read nothing about it on the numerous rock sites I read daily. Scott found a contact email for a gentleman at Universal who was in charge of the replacement CDs. I contacted him, and he responded to me within 24 hours with instructions to provide a proof of purchase, which I also did. He then told me he would send out the replacement CD as soon as possible. No fuss, no muss!

I received my replacement copy today. I was surprised to see that Universal sent me not just a CD (as sometimes is the case) but a sealed CD in jewel case. This replacement copy was obviously different as soon as I popped into my computer: the track time of “Flaming Youth” is 3:00 instead of 2:59…and the skip is gone!

I’m enjoying revisiting Destroyer (Resurrected). It is less glaringly different sounding now than it was a year and a half ago. I think I’m actually enjoying it more, for what it is. I’m also enjoying the booklet and liner notes (by Bob Ezrin) once again.  Now that I finally have a copy without that annoying flaw, I think this will become the version of Destroyer that I listen to most.  The reason is, after enjoying the original Destroyer for decades, this sounds fresh and surprising to my aged ears.  When you listen to music that you know and love, you expect every note and every sound exactly as they always have been.  When an album gets a subtle facelift like this, the songs continually surprise me.  Every time I notice a difference, it forces me to pay attention.  When it’s a bad remix, that’s annoying.  When it’s a good remix, it’s enjoyable.

One final note:  Universal sent me an American pressing, and it is very different looking than my old Canadian version!  I don’t know if the design of the CD art was changed specifically for the “fixed” pressing, or if all American pressings have always looked like this.  Where previously I had a silver CD with a Casablanca logo and designed to look like an old LP, this version has a black CD — both sides!  The Casablanca logo is still there, but the design is otherwise different.   Instead of silver artwork with faux-LP grooves, it’s a plain black disc.  It’s uber-cool looking and I like it a lot.

Revised score:  3.5/5 stars

And thanks to Aaron at Universal

REVIEW: White Lion – Mane Attraction (1991)

MANE_0002

WHITE LION – Mane Attraction (1991 Atlantic)

I was expecting a lot more out of Mane Attraction.  Most fans are of a mind that Big Game was not as good as Pride (to varying degrees) and the band seemed to agree with them.  In a guitar magazine interview, Bratta and Tramp proclaimed that they had toned it down on Big Game, and the next album would be much heavier, and more epic.

In many respects, that was true.  Mane Attraction has an 8-minute epic and two more songs clocking in at 7 minutes apiece.  There are heavy moments here that are equal to the heaviest on Fight to Survive.  Producer Richie Zito captured the heavier sounds with polish and clarity.  Where Mane Attraction stumbles is not on the heavy songs, it’s on the sappy, pathetic, limp, impotent ballads.  Side one has two in a row!

Things get off to a solid start.  “Lights and Thunder” is everything the band promised it would be.  This is the kind of uncompromising heavy rock that the band had been trying to do.  It has a trippy quality as it navigates different moods and sections.  It is quite probably the best song on the album.  Notably, Bratta’s style has become less fluttery and displays more balls.  “Leave Me Alone” too is adventurous, sort of a heavy metal funk hybrid.  It has a great heavy guitar groove, but Mike Tramp’s lyrics are absolute shit.  “Can’t touch this”?  Jesus Murphy.  It’s a shame because “Leave Me Alone” is pretty great musically.  You could headbang to it just fine; trust me, I know.

From Fight to Survive (the band’s indi debut) comes a re-recording of “Broken Heart”.  It is a commercial hard rocker, and it reminds me of early Europe.   New keyboard parts made it more pop and radio friendly, but it didn’t get the radio play the band needed.  Plenty of keyboards can also be heard on the other single, “Love Don’t Come Easy”.  Releasing a song this soft as the first single was commercial suicide; people were craving heavier sounds.  “Love Don’t Come Easy” (originally titled “There Comes A Time”) is a good song, but it did not make a strong first impression for a single.

On album, the band chose to chase this lukewarm single with a sappy ballad called “You’re All I Need”.

I know that she’s waiting,
For me to say forever,
I know that I sometimes,
Just don’t know how to tell her.
I want to hold and kiss her,
Give her my love,
Make her believe,
‘Cause she doesn’t know,
She doesn’t know.

Mnfnrhshitrmfn.

And then…wait for it…

Another ballad.

There is least some cool organ and bluesy guitar on “It’s Over”, but why the hell would you put so many soft songs in a row?  I’m sure back in the day the band were trying call this a blues, but that would be stretching the matter greatly.   “It’s Over” closes side one, and I need to go and get some air, because these stuffy ballads are making me feel ill.

FUCKING

Intermission

Alright, I’m back, I’ve cleared my head.  Side two begins with a bang; literally.  “Warsong” was written by Tramp and Bratta as a response to the record company asking them to write “another single”.  Musically, this is a fantastic song, propelled by Greg D’Angelo’s relentless beat.  It too exhibits multiple sections and a couple killer Bratta solos (the second drastically different from the first).  Where it loses once again is in the lyrical department.  I know Mike Tramp has written many songs condemning war, and I know that the Gulf War was going on when he wrote this.  What I took issue with was the line, “I know there’s nothing good in war, I know ’cause I’ve been there before.”  I don’t think it’s cool to say you’ve “been there before” unless you actually have.  I think it’s inappropriate.

“She’s Got Everything” is a cool groove.  The lyrics suck again, but that’s expected now.  My advice is just to sing your own lyrics over Mike Tramp’s.  For example, where Mike sings this:

“So we left the party, and drove to her place,
You could see excitement written on my face.
So she took me upstairs, laid me on her bed,
When she got undressed I just lost my head.”

Try singing this:

“Sheeba dabba dobby, n’ log in fireplace,
Soo loo ba dooby doo, pooping in the place.
Shooba dooba dabba, the man in the shed,
La dee da da dee da, eating loaf of bread.”

Better, right?

“Till Death Do Us Part” is a fucking wedding song, except nobody in the entire world ever used it as such.  It has a cool, atmospheric bass intro, but then it’s off to the honeymoon in downtown Shit City.  The only good thing is Bratta’s solo, the icing over a very rotten cake.

MANE_0004

It’s too late to save the ship from sinking now.  “Out With the Boys” is another stupid lyric, but at least framed in a good rock song.  Once again White Lion lay the groove on hard.  Then Vito Bratta takes a solo slot with “Blue Monday”.  This electric blues was written and recorded for Stevie Ray Vaughan who had recently died.  Too little too late, and rendered pointless by yet another ballad.  Mane Attraction closes on “Farewell to You”, and I say good luck, don’t let the door hit you on the way out, etc.

Mane Attraction is over an hour long.  If it had been 30-35 minutes long, like rock albums from a past era, this would have been a very different review.

2/5 stars

MANE_0005I’m doing an ear-cleanse now.  To Van Halen, not Van Hagar.

 

REVIEW: Metal On Ice – Various artists (2013)

NEW…ish RELEASE!

METAL ON ICE – Tunes from Canada’s Hard Rock and Heavy Metal heroes (2013 Warner Canada)

Good Sir Aaron purchased this for me at his local establishment for the low, low price of $5.  In Aaron’s review, he stated, “This is the best $5 I’ve spent on spec in ages. Bar none.”  That’s mighty tribute from a guy like Aaron, who buys a lot of CDs on spec.

What is Metal On Ice?  The talented guitarist Sean Kelly (Crash Kelly, Four By Fate, The #1 Classical Guitar Album) put together a book of rock tales from Canada’s best of the 80’s:  Helix, Anvil, Coney Hatch, Killer Dwarfs, Kick Axe and more.  To go with it, he also produced this EP.  Metal On Ice, the CD, consists of remakes of Canadian heavy metal classics.  For all but one song, he has the original singers from the bands singing lead vocals.  For the one that he doesn’t, (Kick Axe’s “On the Road to Rock”) he has Nick Walsh from Slik Toxik.  Then to top it all off, he and Walsh wrote a new song called “Metal On Ice” featuring vocals from almost everybody.

Many of these songs are radio staples.  “Heavy Metal Love” is one of those Helix classics that has endured.  Written by Brian Vollmer and the late Paul Hackman, I think it’s one of Helix’s best tunes, period.  Vollmer’s pipes speak for themselves.  Sean Kelly was in Helix, on bass, for a few months before Brian reunited the classic lineup.  Playing bass on this version however is Helix bassist Daryl Gray.  It’s a pretty authentic remake.

METAL ON ICEI found “Metal Queen” by Lee Aaron to be the most impressive track.  I cannot believe Lee’s voice, powerful as ever!  With the new production and guitars by Sean Kelly, “Metal Queen” has actually been improved.  It’s still an old-school metal chugger, but you can actually hear the lyrics now!  What is important is that Kelly has not changed the songs very much at all.  His impressively tasteful playing is enough to make each one shine just a little more.  Each solo is 100% appropriate to the classic songs.

A great example of this is the Headpins’ “Don’t It Make Ya Feel” featuring Darby Mills.  He has captured the vibe of the original guitar tone, and the song is very authentic.  Similarly, Nick Walsh does not deviate too much from George Criston’s lead vocals from “On the Road to Rock”.  When Walsh screams the high notes, it’s perfect.   Carl Dixon sings lead on Coney Hatch’s classic “Hey Operator”.  Dixon nearly died in a car accident not too long ago; it’s great to hear his voice as strong as ever.  How do these Canadian singers stay perpetually young sounding?  Is it our cold, frosty air?

Russ Dwarf returns to remake the Killer Dwarfs favourite, “Keep the Spirit Alive”.  This has always been my favourite Killer Dwarfs song, right from the very beginning.  It’s absolutely wonderful to hear a well produced updated version.  I admit that when I first got this CD, I went back and played “Keep the Spirit Alive” four or five times in a row.

Finally, there is the new original song “Metal on Ice”.  This ode to the road features lead vocals from Dixon, Vollmer, Mills, Walsh and Aaron.  I love the lyrics: “Hello Kelowna, goodbye Kenora, but we do it all tomorrow in Thunder Bay,” for example.  It is these kinds of Canadian towns that has kept the rock alive through trends and changing winds.  Walsh proudly proclaims that even though they may never make it to the top, they’re never going to stop.

A great sentiment on which to end a great CD.

4.5/5 stars

Part 290: The Vacuum Conflict

VACUUM

RECORD STORE TALES Part 290:  The Vacuum Conflict

You’re always going to get conflict in any work place, and a CD store is no different.  Back in the early days we hired this kid named DJ Donnie D.  He was a regular customer that was well liked, so the boss gave him a chance.

Donnie was a good kid, a bit of a neat-freak perhaps, but that’s not a bad kind of person to have around a store.  As we expanded, we hired another new kid named Jason.  Donnie and Jason did not really get along all that well.  Donnie was often criticizing Jason’s musical selections and work habits.  He thought Jason was lazy, often leaving work undone for someone else to finish.  Donnie seemed to develop a bit of a personal grudge because he always made sure the store was left as he found it:  Clean, things put away, not left out for others to tidy up.

What really chapped Donnie’s ass was that Jason didn’t like to vacuum.   We had to vacuum before closing every night and Donnie was certain that Jason didn’t do it when he was closing.  Jason said he did of course but Donnie had his doubts and took it upon himself to prove he was right.

Taking matters into his own hands, Donnie set an elaborate snare for Jason.

We stored our vacuum cleaner in a cabinet underneath the Classical section.  Before Jason’s shift, Donnie tied a hair to the door of the cabinet.  If Jason opened the door, it would break.  If he did not, the hair would be intact the following morning, thus proving that Jason was averse to vacuuming.

I know you’re dying to know what happens next.  I’ll drag this out a little longer.

Donnie really did take this kind of thing really seriously.  I can’t say anything bad about Donnie, I think he always had good intentions.  For example, his neatness obsession extended to painting the bathroom in our brand new store one night.  He wasn’t told to paint it, he just decided to make it look nice.  I came in one morning to find it neat & tidy, and painted from floor to ceiling!  The bathroom also doubled as a storage room.  He had organized all the supplies and tools, marking their new storage places.  He had even drawn the outline of a hammer and labelled the spot “HAMMER”.  Same with “SHOVEL”; it too had an outline of a shovel where it was to be hung.  The boss flipped on him, but Donnie meant well.  That’s just how he was.

So what about the vacuum cleaner?

The hair was intact, unbroken.  Jason said that he vacuumed that night, but he obviously had not.  Busted!

 

REVIEW: White Lion – Big Game (1989)

Before I get started on the review…

BIG GAME_0005

BIG GAME_0001WHITE LION – Big Game (1989 Atlantic)

When Big Game was released in 1989, hard rock was arguably at its 80’s commercial peak.  In comparison to the two-million selling Pride, Big Game was a disappointment at the cash register.  I believe this was an herald of the changing winds of rock, that would fully arrive in 1991.  At the time, it was more considered a sign that Big Game was weaker than Pride.  I don’t think that was the case.  Big Game remains today as enjoyable as Pride is, with plenty of great tunes to spare.

Pride‘s main weakness was its lyrics. Mike Tramp improved enough as a lyricist on Big Game that the words are no longer really an issue. He’s no Bob Dylan, but a lot of the immaturity has gone. An example is the first single “Little Fighter”. My best friend Bob assumed the song was a rallying cry about a person.  Tramp actually wrote it about the Greenpeace ship Rainbow Warrior, which was sunk by France in 1985.  To his credit, Tramp figured out how to bring his politics to hard rock music without making it obvious to those who just want to rock out.

On the other hand, the lyrics to “Broken Home” are awkward and blunt, killing my enjoyment of the album at that moment.  While nobody in their right mind supports child abuse, the stark lyrics are simply not appropriate for a hard rock album like Big Game.  It’s impossible to sing along, impossible to ignore.  Right in the middle of Side One of the album, its momentum crashes and its not because of the music.

Fortunately, musically Big Game has more of that White Lion rock and roll that propelled them to stardom in 1987.  Anthemic rockers, lighter-ready ballads, and brilliant fluttery solos by Vito Bratta are in abundance.  Big Game doesn’t sound as dark as Pride, but it is also less heavy overall.  That said, “If My Mind Is Evil” is one of White Lion’s heaviest tunes.

Highlights:

The brilliant opener “Going Home Tonight”, an irresistible hard rocker.  The bright single “Little Fighter”.  “Living On the Edge”, a fun anthem not at all like the Aerosmith song.  “Don’t Say It’s Over”, a melancholy mid-tempo song that Bon Jovi would have given his left nut to write.  The stunning closer, “Cry For Freedom”, which is lyrically blunt but not as depressing as “Broken Home”.

I even like the Golden Earring cover, “Radar Love”.  The original is a radio classic of course, but White Lion did a pretty decent cover version thanks to Vito’s sublime guitar.  I thought the music video was pretty cool too.  Anything with a car chase, right? Thank God Mike Tramp is wearing jeans in this one. How many people did he scare away with his ridiculous pants (and dancing) in the “Little Fighter” video?

Since the album was considered a bit of a failure in some quarters, White Lion tried to change things up for the next album, Mane Attraction. That too failed to drum up sales, and after some lineup changes, they quickly disbanded.  Look for my Mane Attraction review in a matter of days.

3.5/5 stars

REVIEW: White Lion – Pride (1987)

Enjoy this first of two White Lion reviews. Stay tuned for the second in a couple days!

PRIDE_0001WHITE LION – Pride (1987 Atlantic)

I’ve had some fierce arguments with some rock fans about this album.  Regardless of its flaws, I steadfastly defend it and especially the talents of one Vito Bratta, the best guitarist to never become a guitar hero.  After the breakup of White Lion in 1991, Bratta retreated from public life and music completely.  Some have argued to me, “If he was such a talent, he’d still be around.”  Such talk is ignorant of the facts.  Bratta spent many years as a caregiver to ill parents, and whatever decisions he made have to be respected.

I mentioned that this album is flawed, so I’m going to get that part out of the way first.  There are two things about this album that suck.  One is the production, by the normally awesome Michael Wagener (engineered by Canadian “Gggarth” Richardson).  It’s really muddy, echoey, and annoying.  It is indicative of the times.

The second thing that drives me nuts are the lyrics.  I know Mike Tramp is Danish and English is his second language, but there were three guys from New York (Staten Island and Brooklyn) in the band that could have helped.  As Exhibit A, I present you “Lady of the Valley”:

Lady of the valley
Can you hear me cry
In the stillness of the night
I have lost my brother
In the fights of the war
And my heart has broken down

I always stumble over that “In the fights of the war” line.  That’s one of the “serious” songs, something that White Lion tackled frequently (improving over the years).  For their flaws I’ll at least respect Mike Tramp’s willingness to present a personal point of view on specific issues (“Little Fighter”, “Cry For Freedom”, “Warsong”, “El Salvador”).  Unfortunately Pride is loaded with songs about young girls and what Mike Tramp would like to do with them.  Below, Exhibit B:

Keep your engine running high
When you take my love inside
But hold the trigger on my loaded gun (“Hungry”)

Little miss Dee’s got a dirty mind
All around the boys she’s one of a kind
If you wanna good time you can take her home
Cause everyone knows she is good in bed (“Sweet Little Loving”)

I’ll stop there.

Musically, and performance-wise, Pride is a joy to listen to.  What an untapped well of talent Vito Bratta is.  In the guitar magazines, he was noted for having captured some of the magic of Eddie Van Halen, and I agree with that.  Bratta has definitely mastered the Van Halen book of rock.  His riffs are much like Van Halen’s, with one guitar playing the rhythm and flicking in and out with tricky little licks.  It sounds difficult as hell.  “Hungry” is the most Van Halen-like.  The difference is that Bratta sounds like a much more schooled player.  Everything sounds meticulously planned and written.  When he takes a solo, it’s a combination of Van Halen and neoclassical discipline.  And every song is absolutely loaded with fills and tricks.  Pride is very busy guitar-wise, in a good way.

“Hungry” is a great song, a dark Dokken-esque opener.  Also similar to Dokken is the second track, the mid-tempo “Lonely Nights”.  It’s another strong track, and I find Mike Tramp’s raspy voice similar to Jon Bon Jovi’s from time to time.  Bratta executes a fluttery solo, and then it’s on to the next one, “Don’t Give Up”.  Again, I find the lyrics tedious.  I like positivity, but I don’t find, “Don’t give up, even when it’s tough,” to be very profound.  Thankfully this uptempo banger is another winner musically.  Once again I struggle to keep up with Bratta’s stunning fretwork.

“Lady of the Valley” is pretty impressive.  It’s the “epic” I suppose, 6 1/2 minutes in length.  The riff is choppy and smoking, and the rhythm section of James LoMenzo and Greg D’Angelo is spot-in.  Then Bratta gets his echoey acoustic guitar out and the song mutates.  An anthemic chorus tops a great song.

Side Two of the album was packed with singles:  the hits “Wait”, “Tell Me”, and “When the Chrildren Cry”.  “Wait” and “Tell Me” are both songs that Bon Jovi would have given their nuts to write.  Tramp’s raspy vocals are absolutely perfect, as was his blonde mane, and the girls went wild.  “When the Children Cry” was and still is an impressive acoustic performance.  Even in 1987 I was impressed that White Lion chose to forgo drums and backing instrumentation.  This simple, quiet song is the template for what Extreme would do three years later with “More Than Words”.  Bratta was a guitar player able to pull off such an arrangement without sacrificing integrity.

The album is rounded out by “All Join Our Hands” and “All You Need Is Rock N Roll”, two odes to the greatest music ever invented.  “All You Need Is Rock N Roll” is quite cool, beginning with what sounds like a drunken acoustic jam, and ending with with some killer bluesy playing from everyone.  Both songs are great.  I have always felt that the album tracks were as strong as the singles; like an album of 10 singles.

Shame about the sound and the lyrics, though.

 3.5/5 stars

DVD REVIEW: Kenny vs. Spenny – Season Six (2010)

Dedicated to my best friend Peter who first got me hooked on this show.

KENNY VS. SPENNY – Season Six (2010 Showcase)

With Kenny Hotz and Spencer Rice currently doing their Kenny vs. Spenny vs. Canada tour (even hitting Owen Sound, Ontario of all places), there couldn’t be a better time to review the final season of their influential TV show. Influential? Yes. Clone shows such as Ed vs. Spencer (UK), Elton vs. Simon (Germany) and numerous others have proven that the concept had legs. Maclean’s Magazine declared Kenny vs. Spenny #8 in the top 10 Canadian shows of the 2000’s.

What was the concept? Two best friends compete in a grueling challenge. One (Kenny) likes to cheat, while one (Spenny) tries to play the honest game. The loser of the challenge each week has to perform a “humiliation” – a usually disgusting punishment for failure.

As much as I love this show, I think Season Six proved the boys were running out of ideas. After six seasons it gets a little hard to think of fresh things to compete over, not to mention Kenny had all but abandoned the concept of competing.  Instead he focused on novel ways to cheat and offend.

Here are your episodes:

“Who’s The Bigger Idiot?” – Originally a web-only release. I actually preferred it to many of the actual aired episodes this season. Spenny makes some fun retro-style videos, recreating the most idiotic moments of his past. 4/5 stars

KVS_0003“Who Can 69 The Longest?” – Even the crew got bored with this one. A dull season opener. All humiliation, no competition. At least Kenny got it equally bad. 1/5 stars

“Who Can Squeeze More Boobs?” – I found this one to be too similar to past episodes, further proof that the boys were running out of ideas. 2/5 stars

“Who Can Keep His Head In A Chicken Coop The Longest?” – Better than the previous two. However, once again, Kenny got bored and had to change the competition to something else, because let’s face it, you can only watch a guy with a chicken coop on his head for so long. Great punishment, though. 2/5 stars

“Who Can Get Further With The Other Guy’s Mom?” – I knew this one would be a dead-end letdown just by the title, and I was right. 1/5 stars

“Who Can Win a Cockfight?” – This is a little bit better. Taking a cue from shows like Robot Wars, Kenny and Spenny attach all sorts of mechanisms to their mid-sections and do battle! 3/5 stars

KVS_0002“Who’s A Better Basketball Coach?” – A classic case of who can out-think the other. I’m not a basketball fan by any stretch, so I found that aspect boring, but the competition itself keeps you guessing. 3/5 stars

“Who Do Black Guys Like More? Pt. 1 and Pt. 2” – A two-parter. Part one mostly sets up the competition. As you can imagine, Kenny does everything he can to defame Spenny. I thought this one was pretty fun due to some pretty interesting guests. 3/5 stars

“Who Can Have More Fun?” – I loved this episode. Obviously, Kenny’s idea of fun and Spenny’s idea of fun are two diametrically opposed things. Spenny comes up with some pretty strong strategies in this one. Kenny is at his destructive best. 4/5 stars

“Who Can?” – This season really, really came into its own by the end. This episode is the first of four 5-star episodes in a row. Essentially, it starts off as a behind-the-scenes episode. Spenny arrives at the house (offering the first clue that the guys don’t actually live there together) to find that Kenny has declared himself Emperor. The competition was supposed to be about badminton, but Kenny refuses to break his Emperor character. Spenny then spends the episode trying to figure out what the actual competition is! Kenny brings out a cavalcade of characters and costumes with a climax that had me in tears. 5/5 stars

“Who Can Produce The Best Commercial?” – Best episode of the season. “Frommagio Al Forno! Good thinkin’, Mama!” It’s episodes like this that make me wonder if Spenny really is as stupid as he appears, because he sure comes off as stupid in this one. Look for a cameo in this one by Federico Castelluccio (Furio) from the Sopranos. 5/5 stars

“Who Can Put On The Best Play?” – Kenny’s play was offensive as ever. Spenny’s made me cringe. I’m shocked he actually thought he could act. 5/5 stars

“Who Can Stay On An Island The Longest?” – What a great Kenny dupe. What a way to end the season. The boys take a trip to the Caribbean, to see who can stay on an island the longest. If you think this is just a simple remake of “Who Can Stay In The Woods The Longest?” think again! 5/5 stars

After Season Six, the boys decided to make one final (absolutely terrible) Christmas special, and that was it. Kenny Vs. Spenny really peaked in the third and fourth seasons. Season Six got off to a pretty slow start, only coming into its own towards the end, making it the weakest season of the series. The competitions were getting more and more ridiculous and far removed from the original premise. Kenny’s absurd sense of humour kept the series watchable, but it was no longer about “Who is the best” at something. It became Kenny humiliating Spenny for 22 minutes.

Hopefully, the boys release some kind of DVD from the Kenny vs. Spenny vs. Canada tour.  This DVD, unfortunately, is woefully short on bonus features.  A photo gallery and a few outtakes are all you’ll get.  No behind the scenes features as on previous seasons.

3/5 stars. Good thinkin’ Mama.

QUIZ WINNER! Lego Album Covers 2

We have a winner in the Lego Album Covers 2 contest!  As promised, the winner gets my eternal respect and a shout-out.  The winner is…

LEMON KURRI KLOPEK!

Who successfully named all five albums –

  1. White Lion – Big Game
  2. Marillion – The Thieving Magpie (La Gazza Ladra)
  3. Mad Season – Above
  4. Nine Inch Nails – Ghosts I-IV
  5. The Beatles – Yesterday and Today (butcher cover)

I had a complaint of “fixing” from somebody, but I won’t mention their name number!

Congrats to Mike aka Lemon Kurri Klopek who now has my eternal respect.

LKK

REVIEW: Anvil – Juggernaut of Justice (Deluxe and iTunes versions)

For my recent review of Anvil’s This Is Thirteen on vinyl, click here!

JUGGERNAUT_0001ANVIL – Juggernaut of Justice (2011 The End Records)

When I first heard all that cowbell on the track “Fukeneh!” I screamed aloud, “YES!” Anvil don’t give a crap about what’s trendy and what ain’t. That’s why they’re still around over 30 years later, and Juggernaut of Justice was one of their best albums since the early 80’s.

It’s not commercial, but it is more accessible. As good as This Is Thirteen was, I like Juggernaut of Justice better. It is slickly produced by Bob Marlette (at Dave Grohl’s Studio 606). Bob Marlette is not my favourite producer, I’ll admit that, but he’s done a bang-on job here. A little trebly on the guitars in the mix, but otherwise a fine, clear sharp production job. Lip’s vocals are more accessible, but not overproduced. You can still hear flat notes here and there, which is good!  I like production to remain authentic.  Kudos to Marlette who made a great sounding Anvil album.

Every song is great. I especially loved “Conspiracy” and “Fukeneh!”. “On Fire” is cool and fun lyrically, an obviously autobiographical tune about Lips himself. The title track is great, and so is the galloping nu-metal sheen of “This Ride” (featuring bassist Glenn Five on vocals.)  Yet there are no weak tracks, Anvil sharpening their metal edges.  With the exception of the 7-minute “Paranormal,” (a great slow burner) all songs are in the 3-4 minute range, packing maximum punch into the grooves.  Also noteworthy is the horn-laden metal of “Swing Thing”!  This great instrumental shows off the considerable chops of drummer Robb Reiner. It is the icing on top of this heavy metal treat!

I love the cover art, which reminds me of Endgame by Megadeth for whatever reason. (Also “Conspiracy” reminded me of some of the lyrical themes on Endgame.)

I liked Juggernaut of Justice enough to buy it twice: Once digitally, to get the bonus track “What I Want To Be”, and then the limited edition CD which has its own pair of bonus tracks. “The Station” grinds along relentlessly, with a metallic sheen of multiple layered guitars. “Tonight Is Coming” is more basic, but with G5 hanging out on the upper frets of his bass every now and then to give it some flavour. The chorus is pretty amusing: “Tonight is coming, all day long!”*

The digital bonus track, “What I Want To Be” is the best of the three, a bright metal song with Reiner playing it fairly straight and the transmission in drive. Each bonus is a perfectly fine track, so purchase as you feel so inclined.

Very, very happy with this album. I had my doubts due to the presence of Bob Marlette instead of Chris Tsangarides, but…well done, Bob.

4.5/5 stars

* their new album, Hope In Hell, features the song “Flying” with the following lyric:

“Tel Aviv to Turkey then down through Greece,
Back home to Canada to see our famous geese.”

You gotta love that.