Scream For Iron Maiden, Grab A Stack of Rock!! Mr. Books & Harrison bring the collections, with special appearance by Jex!

“The show must go on.”  That’s the saying, right?  That’s what the most supportive wife in the world said to me tonight when I was debating whether to cancel Grab A Stack of Rock this week.  Another seizure, another fall, thank God no broken jaw.  We’ll have to fill you in on the details later.

An exhausted Mike (physically, emotionally, and mentally) relied on his co-host and guest, Harrison and Mr. Books, for carrying the weight.  Jex Russell also stopped by with some rarities.

We looked at:

  • Rare bootleg CDs
  • Rare DVD
  • All my Maiden vinyl with stories to go with
  • Maiden beer, Maiden menu
  • Books
  • And some tangents.

A great show all things considered, and now I need to go take care of Jen.  See you next week if all goes well.

 

Next week, the summer tour of 2023 rolls on with Nurse Kat and the Arkells!

Iron Maiden’s Gonna Grab A Stack of Rock, No Matter How Far! Tonight at 8:00 PM E.S.T.

GRAB A STACK OF ROCK With Mike and the Mad Metal Man

Episode 24:  Grab A Stack of Iron Maiden

Harrison thought it was time to look at Iron Maiden again.  After all, Iron Maiden was the subject of two of our most successful shows in the past.  Enough time has passed that people will want to see our Maiden collections again.  I’ve dug up all my vinyl, and I have plenty of action figures from Super Seven to show off, as well as other assorted Eddies!

Joining Harrison and I tonight will be Mr. Books from the KMA.  It has been ages since he’s been on the show, so please give a warm welcome back to Mr. Books!

As always, we will start the show with “Ask Harrison” and some unboxings.  Hope you can join us!

SPECIAL TIME!

Friday June 16 at 8:00 P.M. E.S.T.  Enjoy on YouTube or on Facebook!

 

Next week, the summer tour of 2023 rolls on with Nurse Kat and the Arkells!

VIDEO: June 9-11 2023 at the Lake, with the music of Max the Axe

We’ll let the images do the talking!  Our weekend was highlighted by a curious little chipmunk who raided our peanut stash all day long.  We saw skunks, rabbits, and ducks…and I got ’em all on camera.  Enjoy the music of Max the Axe – Live @ the Farm!

The Writer’s Room: Empty Room

The Writer’s Room: Empty Room

From the Adventures of Tee Bone Man & Edie Van Heelin’

Mike sat alone, the lights dimmed, head in hands.  How could things have been going so very well, and then suddenly, so very wrong?

He sincerely believed he had surrounded himself with some of the best talent and support there was.  He valued the always reliable Harrison, his co-writer and artist that they called the Mad Metal Man.  There was Snowman, 80s Metal Man, and Aaron all on his team.  The writer’s room had just expanded to include two new members by remote conference: Holen and the California Girl known as MarriedandHeels.  And now…

“I can’t believe she’s gone,” lamented Mike, staring at the blank screen in front of him.

His coffee had grown cold and his head ached from the strain.  Before him was a blank page with just a title.  “California Girls’s notes – The Adventures Of Edie Van Heelin'”.  A teardrop hit the page.  Mike suddenly and furiously balled up the sheet of paper and launched it into the waste bin.

“How did it go from so very right, to so terrible wrong, so fast?” he asked the empty room.  The room only echoed his question back at him.

They were such good friends.  They worked so well together.  Edie was Mike’s creation, but it was the California Girl who made the character come to life.  Without her input, the character lay flat on the page; no colour, no personality, no joy.

“No green peach tea…no watermelon honey…” sighed Mike.  He had no idea what she was drinking these days.  Those kinds of details couldn’t be made up.  They could only come from her.

Hunched over the table, uncontrollably, he began sobbing.

There was a knock at the door, and Harrison poked his Australian head in.

“I’m sorry to intrude,” whispered the well-coifed man.  “Is everything alright in here?”

Mike looked up, his eyes red, and Harrison knew that everything was not alright.  He took his seat at the table and let Mike talk.

Looking down at his hands, playing with his pen, he simply said “She’s gone.”

Harrison knew who he meant without asking.

“I’m sorry,” he said.  “I’m not much good at these kinds of situations, but you can talk to me if you like.”

Mike took a deep breath.  “There’s only so much I can say.  It’s not her fault.  On the surface it seemed our friendship was rock solid.  We worked really well together.  But we had an argument.  One that we can’t come back from…and now it’s over.”

“Are you alright?” asked Harrison.

“I will be,” sniffed Mike.  “Everything reminds me of her.  Literally everything…she’s on my clothes, she’s in my stories, she’s on a magnet on my fridge…she’s everywhere.  I can’t forget her or erase her.”

Harrison, always the practical one rather than emotional, posed the question on his mind.

“What does this mean for the future of our stories?” he asked.

Mike thought a moment.

“Well…Edie Van Heelin’…I can’t do Edie without her.  It would be like Paul Stanley trying to be Kiss without Gene.  I need my Gene.  I guess that’s it for Edie Van Heelin’.”

Harrison was sad to hear this.  “I’m sorry about that,” he said.  “I know how much you liked writing those stories.”

“I loved writing that character,” corrected Mike.  “I loved working with her on it, but that situation was not sustainable long-term.  It was simply never meant to last.”

“So what will we do?” asked Harrison.

“I know…I know…we have the big crossover with Tee Bone Man coming,” lamented Mike.  “The epic conclusion to the Squirrel Saga.  It has to go up as planned.  It’s the lynchpin.  It connects everything together.  And it was supposed to launch Edie as a new teammate for Tee Bone Man.  Now…”  Mike trailed off into silence.

Harrison let the room be silent a few moments.  Then he raised his followup question.

“Does this mean…Plan B?” he asked with concern.

Mike’s lips trembled a bit.

“I just finished writing Plan B,” he said with sad seriousness.  Plan B was an idea that he had, just in case everything went south.  His relationship with California Girl had become tense in recent days, and he was worried that something like this might occur.  Against his mightiest wishes, that eventuality has now transpired.  It was, sadly, inevitable.  “I wish I never got her involved in my creative life.  I feel so stupid,” he spat.

Harrison consoled him.  “Don’t say that,” he advised.  “You had some very good times, and wrote some great stories.  No matter what has happened now, the things you did were worth it.”

Mike wiped a tear away.  “You think so?  Bringing her into this now creates a mess we have to figure a way out of.”

Harrison pondered a moment.  “Do you mind if I read Plan B?”

“Go ahead,” said Mike, turning the monitor on, and pushing it in Harrison’s direction.  Harrison clasped the mouse and began reading.  Mike watched his eyes dart from line to line, registering shock, melancholy, excitement, and finally terrible sadness.  By the time Harrison had finished reading, he was visibly moved by the story.

After a pause, Harrison said with dead seriousness, “This is one of the best things you’ve ever written.  You can feel the emotions.  This will be very difficult to illustrate.”

“Had to be done,” said a somber Mike as he looked down.  “We needed to end Edie’s story as epic as it began.”

“I agree,” nodded Harrison.  “It’s too good not to post.  But how are you feeling?”

Mike took a while to answer.  “I’m heartbroken.  I’m in pain.  And I think that comes across in the story.”  He paused a moment longer.  “I always said that girl had a natural charisma that made people want to know her.  And look what that did to me.”

“All great artists must suffer for their art,” Harrison comforted.

“Bah!” said Mike with a smile.  “Nothing about my art is great.  But it made me feel good.  And that feeling is gone, for now.”

“I hope the feeling returns,” said a sincere Harrison.

“It will, one day,” responded Mike.  “Don’t get me wrong, my friend.  I don’t really regret anything with her, except the end.  There was hurt inflicted on both sides, but it’s not a competition, and I can’t go back and change it.  What’s done is done.  And I hope she’s OK, wherever she is, whatever she’s doing.  I just want her to be OK.  And hopefully she remembers me well.  I know I will remember her with sadness, but also fondly.”

“A lovely sentiment,” said Harrison, “and possibly a good note on which to end this meeting.  You need to get home, get rested, and recover.  Please do that.”

Mike nodded affirmative.  “I will do that, I promise.  I just need a few more moments alone.”

“Talk to you tomorrow,” said Harrison as he stood to exit.  He quietly closed the door as he left, whispering “May the Force be with you,” to his friend.

As the door clicked shut, Mike collapsed back into his chair and let the tears run down his face.  Alone in the writer’s room, Mike spoke to the California Girl as if she could hear him.

“I miss you, my friend,” he said.  “I probably always will.  The creative energy we shared…it was a rare gift.  It can never be duplicated.  But more important than that…you were my friend.  I wish we never fought.  I wish that argument never happened.  But it had to happen.  It couldn’t be avoided, and now I have to pick up the pieces and carry on without you.  You’ll be fine without me — you were fine before I came along, and will be long after I’m gone.  Me, I’ll always have a California sized hole in my heart.”

He stood, and made his way to the door.

“Goodbye, my California Girl,” he whispered.  And with that the room was empty again.

The end

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

 

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

 

Saturday Afternoon Playlist for Lego Building

This was our playlist on Saturday June 10 for a rockin’ afternoon of Lego building.  We generally took turns picking songs.

You can really see the differences in our tastes.

  1. AC/DC – Heatseeker – Mike
  2. AC/DC – Rock and Roll Ain’t Noise Pollution – Mike and Jen
  3. SOUNDGARDEN – Black Hole Sun – Jen
  4. THE POLICE – Walking On the Moon – Mike
  5. GUNS N’ ROSES – Don’t Cry – Jen
  6. THE SOGGY BOTTOM BOYS – Man of Constant Sorrow – Mike
  7. QUEEN – Bohemian Rhapsody – Jen
  8. THE BEATLES – All You Need Is Love – Mike
  9. AEROSMITH – Cryin – Jen
  10. JETHRO TULL – The Whistler – Mike
  11. THE TRAGICALLY HIP – Grace Too – Jen
  12. BRUCE COCKBURN – If A Tree Falls – Mike
  13. PEARL JAM – Black – Jen

 

REVIEW: Kick Axe – IV (2004)

Part Seven of a series on KICK AXE!

KICK AXE – IV (2004 Elfin Stone)

George Criston is one heck of a talented singer.  Always had a lot of power, and range.  However, his heart no longer appears to be with the rock, but with country and gospel.  There’s nothing wrong with that, but when Kick Axe needed to reunite and put out a new album, a new singer was required.  They didn’t have to look far!  Original drummer and brother of bassist Victor Langen, Gary, stepped up to the microphone to sing.  And what a voice!  The rest of the classic lineup was intact:  Victor Langen, Ray Harvey, and Larry & Brian Gillstrom.  On the road to rock!

Gary Langen strikes a tone similar to the late great Phil Naro of Talas, especially on the track “Rockin Daze”.  More than enough to kick all the axes in the room.  Gary also participates in the songwriting on several songs, and providing the slinky tune “Slip Inside My Dream” himself.  Not at all like the one-of-a-kind Criston, but still more than capable.

The best track is, by far, the aforementioned “Rockin Daze” surprisingly written by drummer Brian Gillstrom.  The cool descending riff, the gritty vocals, and especially the killer chorus, make this one the obvious standout.  “The show is over, your rockin’ daze are done!”  Not by far!  There’s a story in the lyrics, so pay attention, but especially listen to the impassioned vocal and stunning guitar solo work.

While “Rockin Daze” is a high water mark, there aren’t any particularly bad songs.  The rest of them are on the same level.  Solid, enjoyable, well recorded heavy rock with the expected impressive musicianship.  Long bomber “City Lights” is pretty epic.  From heavy rockers like “Right Now” to slow, bluesy ballads like “Consolation”, there is a good cross section of songs.  At an hour long, and with 14 songs in total, it’s a long ride and perhaps could have been trimmed down to 10 songs.  On the other hand there’s an argument for value, especially when it’s a band’s only album in so many years.  There are plenty of good songs here, and nothing to make you jump for the “skip” button.  It’s a modern rock album, not as “metal” as the golden days.  A slight progressive edge, with keyboards and acoustics in strategic locations.  Still plenty of guitars, drums, and wicked singing!  The lead solo work on this album is top drawer.  Don’t expect Vices II, though there’s still a common thread here that confirms it’s the same band.

Nothing lasts forever in rock and roll, and while this lineup of Kick Axe survived five years, in 2008 Gary Langen left and was replaced by Into Infinity singer Daniel Nargang.  The band continue to rock and roll, though IV remains their last album.

3.5/5 stars

Part One:  “Reality is the Nightmare”
Part Two:  “Weekend Ride”
Record Store Tales #773:  Rock Candy + Internet = Kick Axe!
Part Three:  Vices
Part Four:  The Transformers soundtrack (as Spectre General)
Part Five:  Welcome to the Club
Part Six:  Rock the World
Part Seven:  IV

Top 11 Cottage Rock Albums with Mike & Jex with bonus Rob Daniels list!

A huuuuuuuuge moustache-sized thank you to Jex Lasso…err…Jexit Stage Left…errr…Jex Russell!  Taking more than an hour out of your weekend to spend with me at the cottage!  I hope you had a good time on your visit!  We got to see a pesky chipmunk, live on the show!

Chippy really liked that Journey cassette that Tim Durling got me!  Yes, Durling bought me In The Beginning by Journey, the compilation I refused to shell out for.  And he got it for me on a cool US cassette!  Let’s just say when Tim wants you to have something for your collection, he ensures you have it.

Today’s theme was our first list show in OVER A YEAR.  The Nigel Tufnel Top Ten is back with a bang, baby.  And huge kudos to Jex and Rob Daniels for some truly excellent, diverse, surprising, and satisfying lists of albums.  Top 11 Albums to Play at the Cottage.  And we had only one repeat album in the whole list.  Certain years seemed to dominate our lists – 1981 and 1988 in particular.  Several artists made repeat appearances, and Jex and I both had the same band at #1.  There was even a weird coincidence involving music and CANDU nuclear reactors.

And Rob?  I’ll always be grateful to you for introducing us to…Jack Shit.

Tune in next Friday at 8:00 PM as we go back to another favourite band:  Iron Maiden.  Mr. Books and Harrison Kopp will be there to bring your daughter to the slaughter, and talk up Eddie and ‘Arry and the boys!  I have lots of Maiden stuff…what would you like to see most?

Thanks for watching.  We’re back, baby.  We’re back!

11. PETER CRISS – Peter Criss (1978).  Uncle Meat once questioned this selection.  “What makes this album perfect for the cottage porch?”  It’s mellow, it fits the vibe, and most importantly, I got it for my birthday in 1987 (with the other three solo albums) and played it the first 2-3 times right there at the cottage.  The important thing is that adult-oriented rock vibe really jives with cottage memories.  Peter Criss sounds like the kind of stuff we’d hear on the radio at the lake.  In fact I know I forced my parents to play it in their car deck with us at least once!

10. QUEEN – Classic Queen/Greatest Hits (red) (1992).  Cheating here by included two, but there are box sets that include both, so na na boo boo on you.  Classic Queen dominated the bedroom during the summer of ’92, and Greatest Hits took its place in ’93.  This was the kind of music I could play with my parents.  In fact, I brought Greatest Hits down to the beach with us to listen to for an afternoon of swimming.  Today, Jen loves the Queen on the porch.  Best track for porching:  “Crazy Little Thing Called Love”.  Perfect for summer dancing and air guitar.

9. HERBIE HANCOCK – Quartet (1981).  Not what you’d call an “easy” listen, but having tested this double album on the porch, I can vouch for its veracity.  My quote from my review:  “Well You Needn’t” –  It’s a nice laid back smoky barroom jazz, piano occasionally stealing the spotlight from the muted trumpet.  This song has me seeing black & white, like an old movie.  It picks up halfway through, with trumpet un-muted, and drums throwing cool beats out left right and center.”  Jazz Saturday was a great success due to this album and I look forward to more jazz on the porch.  In the old days, CBC would play jazz on Sundays on the living room radio.  Before I even knew what jazz really was!

8. OASIS – (What’s the Story) Morning Glory? (1995).  “Please don’t put your life in the hands of a rock n’ roll band, who’ll throw it all away.” Oasis do not get enough love on the Nigel Tufnel top ten.  In the late 1990s, I had to look elsewhere to find new rock music that had the spirit of the old.  Oasis were one of the first bands of the 90s that hit the spot for me.  It sounds great with the lake in front of us, and the green all around.  Reminds me of coming here in the 1990s, going on long walked with earbuds in my ears, playing the best of 90s rock, and hoping to run into a girl that would talk to me!  Awesome mellow tracks and some fun bangin’ rockers.  Just fits that happy summer vibe, even though some of these songs are really about the down and outs of rock and roll.

7. JOHNNY HORTON – The Battle of New Orleans (1990).  This country classic has several cottage staples, that we sang loud and proud almost every weekend, as we drove into town to watch the piper band parade, and to get ice cream and candy.  “The Battle of New Orleans”, “Sink the Bismarck”, and “Honky Tonk Man” in particular were the three big ones.  As kids, we didn’t care for “Comanche (The Brave Horse)” or most of side B.  As adults, it’s all good.  Such vivid memories, driving around in the dusk with Johnny Horton on the car stereo speakers.

6. JOHNNY CASH – Greatest Hits, Vol 2. (1971).  Back in those days, there were so many hits tapes available, so we’d order one from Columbia House that had the songs we recognized most.  Greatest Hits 2 had the legendary San Quentin version of “A Boy Named Sue”, plus a bunch of other standards that we would sing along to.  “Daddy Sang Bass”, “If I Were a Carpenter”, “Sunday Morning Coming Down”, so many greats!  Cash only wrote four of 11 tunes on this compilation, but did anyone care?  Heck, those old tapes didn’t even come with liner notes!  Hearing those songs take us all right back to the old days.  They remind me of when Grampa Winter would have his turntable out back, and he’d spin records by the fire all night.

5. THE TRAVELING WILBURYS – Vol. 1 (1988).  The Wilburys entered our lives thanks to Roy Orbison, who once upon a time made my mom’s own list of Top Concerts.  There were only two songs on this album we didn’t like back then, both Dylan:  “Congratulations” and “Tweeter and the Monkey Man”.  Of course, time changes all perspectives.  The Wilburys will always have a place here on the front porch.  They were enjoyed here as a family on a regular basis.  The acoustic rock of the Wilburys truly fits the wood and pine vibe.

4. JUDAS PRIEST – Priest…Live! (1987)  Bought at Stedman’s in July of 1987, the first time I ever heard “Livin’ After Midnight”, “Metal Gods”, “Heading Out to the Highway”, and more!  This was my introduction to the British Steel and Point of Entry songs.  I must have played this double live album a dozen times or more at the lake that summer.  I was really starting to collect Priest on cassette and this opened the floodgates.  I had to get…them all!  It brings back all the right vibes here on the porch, volume be damned.  They always shouted at me to turn it down…

3.  GORDON LIGHTFOOT – Complete Greatest Hits (2002).  Rhino knows how to put together compilations.  This one has both the early stuff and “Edmund Fitzgerald” which is a cottage staple.  The acoustic music is a lovely accompaniment to the creatures of the night, but when that stinging guitar from “Edmund Fitzgerald” kicks in, it is like a herald.  Here’s Gord.  He’s at the cottage and he’s here to stay.  Rest in peace Gordon – we played him here on the May 12 weekend shortly after he passed.

2. BLUE RODEO – Tremelo (1997).  This might be the legendary band’s most mellow album.  As such it works great with the quiet vibes here at the lake.  “Frogs’ Lullaby” can’t compete with the actual wildlife here on the porch, but it sure hits the spot.  “Shed My Skin”, “Moon & Tree”, “Me & Baz”, “Dragging On” and “Disappear” all put goosebumps on the arms.  But then…But then!  “Graveyard” kicks it in the ass as we go fast and heavy for one final 2:26 blowout, sung by Greg Keelor.  “And I love these nervous breakdowns, and I love these new skins, and I love that you were brave enough to sleep with all my friends…”

1. KISS – Alive! (1976).  KISS Alive as cottage music?  What the…?  Back in the old days, I used to pack up my turntable and bring it to the lake with me.  Live After Death and Kiss Alive were two of the most important live records enjoyed here in this environment.  Summer of ’86, KISS Alive was spinning on my original turntable in this very environment, and even though it ain’t exactly live, it sure did sound like it to my 14 year old imagination.  I even played it backwards.  All here, all those years ago!  The end.

 

RUNNERS UP

Alice Cooper’s Greatest Hits (1974) – Thanks Uncle Don

Kiss – Rock And Roll Over (1976)

Poison – Open Up and Say…Ahhh!  (1988)

White Lion – Big Game (1989)

Extreme – II Pornograffitti (1990)

 

Cottage Rock at a special time: The Nigel Tufnel Top Ten returns! Jex Rambo and Mike count down the top 11 albums for porch rockin’ at the lake!

GRAB A STACK OF ROCK With Mike and Jex “Rambo” Russell

Episode 23:  Nigel Tufnel Top Ten albums to rock on the cottage porch!

After more than a year…it is finally time for the return of the Nigel Tufnel Top Ten!  And here for his very first Tufnel list is today’s co-host Jexcalibur Russell!

The concept today is a simple one.  Jex and I will count down our top 11 albums to play at the cottage on the porch!  This is something I have a lot of experience with, but narrowing the list down to a top 11?  Is it even possible?  Of course it is – this is Grab A Stack of Rock after all!  My eclectic list is ready and it won’t be what you expect, unless you’re a regular follower here!  As for Jex, one can only imagine what gets played on the Jexciter’s cottage porch in the summertime….

I have some mail to unbox.  We will have a look at the new double-sided Grab A Stack shirt as available on Teepubic.com!  And, of course…DURLING MAIL!

There will also be an “Ask Jex” question from series regular Jeff Taylor.

SPECIAL TIME!

Friday June 9 at 3:30 P.M. E.S.T.  Enjoy on YouTube or on Facebook!

 

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’: Edie’s Winter Vacation (By Mike & @MarriedandHeels)

NOTES:  This story was written by myself and @MarriedandHeels, from January to April 2023.  Our last collaboration together, it was never finished.  I couldn’t let almost 3500 words go to waste, so I wrote the ending by myself (and you can tell).  It was an experimental new way of writing, and the story needed a lot more work to keep it focused and tight, but it is the most “true to life” of all our writing together.  Or, at least, it was, for a brief moment in time.

Edie’s story will continue in The Adventures of Tee Bone Man.  This is the final chapter of Edie’s solo adventures.

Mike

 

By Mike & @MarriedandHeels

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’: Edie’s Winter Vacation

Mike was out in the frigid winter cold, loading bags and camping supplies into his vehicle.  His breath wafted in cold clouds in front of his face, and then dissipated into the ether.  He struggled lugging his supplies through the snow, but the sky was a gorgeous ice blue, and the sun’s rays warmed his whiskers.  But why would anyone be loading camping supplies in the dead of winter?

For the answer to that question, you’d have to ask Edie Van Heelin’.

Mike looked up to the sky, awaiting his superhero friend from California.  She should be rocketing here any moment now.  Mike’s wife Jen slowly began making her way outside to greet the hero as well, as she trudged through the slush.

“Got everything?” asked Jen as she tried not to fall.

“Careful sweety!” cautioned Mike as he steeled himself to catch her if she slipped.  Fortunately she didn’t.  “Yes…I think I have everything.  Including a 4 gig hard drive full of music.  I loaded up the complete collection’s of all Edie’s favourite artists.  We won’t be short of music.  We have food, a portable gas barbecue and stove, several extra changes of clothes…I sure hope I’m ready.”

Jen shaded her eyes as she looked up to the bright sky.  “Is that her now?”

Sure enough, it was!  Edie Van Heelin’s trademark rocket boots made a somewhat unique sound as she roared across the sky.  Her boots made contrails that now wound their way on a direct course.  Mike and Jen could see her waving as she slowed herself down, and came in for a gentle landing.

“Edie!” shouted Mike as he attempted to run across the parking lot to greet his friend.  She was carrying several bags of her own luggage — all Coach of course.  She was dressed head to toe in silver winter gear, including a new pair of winter rocket boots.  Her lips were even painted silver to match.  Mike nearly bowled her over with a hug.

“Great to see you Fanboy!” she Edie, returning the hug even harder.  “Hey Jen!” she waved.  “Are you sure you’re not coming with us?”

Jen got that dear-in-a-headlight look with the wide-open eyes that Mike adored so much.  She laughed.  “Me?  Camping in the snow?  No, I’ll be ordering coffee and Chinese food and watching the Leafs in my warm house.  You can have the tents for you and Mike!  Just make sure you don’t turn him into a Mike-sicle out there!”

“Oh, I can keep him warm, don’t worry,” winked Edie.  “Next time, how about you and I leave him at home and we go shoe shopping in California?”

Jen nodded yes emphatically.  “You have a deal.  Maybe we can catch a Sharks game.”

“Count on it!” smiled Edie.  She then turned to Mike.  “You ready, Fanboy?  As agreed:  no superhero-ing this weekend, but rocket boots are packed as an emergency measure.  Which we won’t need.  Let’s go!”

“Not yet!” stopped Mike.  “We have the most important decision of the whole trip still to make.  We can’t get the road trip started without the right music.  As you know, my usual rule is ‘driver always chooses’ but this is our first road trip together, and I thought I’d let you pick the first album of the drive.  I’ve already chosen the second record.”

“Kiss?” asked Edie.

Mike laughed.  “Of course Kiss!  But Kiss Unplugged.  You won’t hate this one so much.  So what’s your pick?  The only rule now is that whatever you pick, we play the full album.  I don’t skip tracks!”

Edie placed a silver-painted nail on her chin and thought.

“Bob Seger’s Greatest Hits.  Does that count?  I’m a fan of greatest hits.”

“Of course it counts!” gasped Mike.  “But I don’t skip songs…”

“Ugh I guess I’ll deal with ‘Old Time Rock and Roll’,” agreed a reluctant Edie.  But turn it up a bit during ‘Night Moves’.”

Mike smiled a wide smile.  “You got it!”  Then he thought to add, “I hope you don’t mind, but I tend to sing in the car…”

Edie raised a hot pink manicured hand.  “Stop right there, no need to explain, you’re speaking my language!  Let’s hit the road!”

With a hug and a kiss, Jen said goodbye, and Mike got in.  With bags packed, phones charged and a nice big tent waiting to be set up, Edie and Mike set off on their winter road trip.  The sun shone bright, promising a good drive.  Mike selected Seger’s Greatest Hits, track one, “Roll Me Away”.  And away they rolled.

Almost immediately the storytelling commence.

“So Edie,” began Mike, “As you know I worked at a Record Store.  My first Christmas, Christmas of ’94, this was a top seller.  And my boss had a big rule about ‘Old Time Rock and Roll’…”

“Let me guess,” interrupted Edie.  “He made you skip it every time because he hated that song.”

Mike yelped in surprised laughter. “He made us skip it every time because he hated it!  You got it.  And you know how I feel about skipping.”

Suddenly track two, “Night Moves”, came on, and the pair happily harmonized.

“Workin’ on our night moves! Tryin’ to make some front page drive-in news!  Workin’ on our night moves!  In the summertime…”

“Man, I miss summer,” said Mike.

Edie sympathized.  “I know Mike, but we’re going to have so much fun this weekend.  Know what I’m looking forward to the most?”

“Tell me!” asked Mike with excitement in his voice.

“Winter hiking!” answered Edie.  “Hiking in the snow!  Snowshoeing!  Did you remember our micro spikes for the ice?  I want to see the trees capped in snow! Untouched snow!  A winter paradise!  The quiet of the forest dressed in white!  I want to take a step and fall waist deep into soft powder!  I want to fall back, arms open and be caught by soft snow!  I want to feel the cold and peace all around me!  I want to see a stream cutting through the snowy paradise! I want to hear the sound of the gentle waters moving!”

“Quite the wishlist,” responded Mike.  “I didn’t bring any spikes – we won’t need that where we’re going – but I can guarantee everything else is on the agenda.  It’s so fun seeing winter through your eyes.  Wait until you see the forest in the winter!  We used to get snowbanks so high, we could climb on the roofs and sled all the way down!”

Edie’s eyes went wide.  “Oooh!  I want to do that too!”

“Well, we should have plenty of time, since we agreed we’re not doing any superhero-ing this weekend,” said Mike.  He laughed.  “It’s funny – a few years ago, I would have done anything to go superhero-ing!  And I would have done anything to avoid the winter!  Now here we are looking forward to a winter vacation without any superhero shenanigans.  Who woulda thunk it?”

Edie interrupted his philosophising.  “Look!  Maple syrup!  We have to stop!”

“My pleasure, ma’am!” said Mike as he signalled to pull over.  “What are you looking to get?  Light, dark, anything specific?  Ooh look – they have pepperoni and beef jerky too.”

Edie shot up in her seat before she could even get the seatbelt off.  “Umm, hello!  Beef jerky!”

The pair stocked up on treats and supplies, while the Mennonites stared at Edie’s boots.  As she selected the finest beef jerky on offer, the Mennonites in black surreptitiously stole glances at her footwear.  If the inch-and-a-half high platforms didn’t stun them, perhaps the chunky five-and-a-half inch heels did.  Patent leather, thigh-high and perfect for the snow or ice.

“We’ll take these,” said Mike as he placed a pile of jerky and several bottles of syrup on the table.

“What are you folks up to today?” asked the older gentleman who took Mike’s money.

“Well, my friend here is from California and she’s not used to these kinds of winters.  We’re going to do some winter camping, showshoeing, maybe even build a snowfort if there’s time!” answered Mike with glee.

“Be careful out there,” warned the old man.  “I can feel it in my bones, there’s a storm coming.  A big one, if I’m not mistaken.  Make sure you have plenty of fuel and food!” he advised.

Without hesitation, Edie grabbed five more packs of jerky.  “Just to be on the safe side,” she winked.

Once they were back on the road, Edie noticed Mike was unusually quiet.  “Hey,” she nudged him.  “You OK?”

Mike nodded.  “I’m OK, just a little rattled about the weather.  Sometimes those old timers get it right when the weatherman didn’t.  If a snowstorm rolls in, it’ll be hard to dig the car out.”

“Don’t worry my friend!” answered a chipper Edie.  “Rocket boots are packed in the back seat if we run into trouble!  Don’t worry, it’ll be fun!”

Mike loosened up.  “You’re right, of course.  We’re winter camping, we need snow anyway.”

Before long, Lake Huron was in sight.  They had arrived!  The snow was crispy, deep, untouched.  It was so deep that they were unable to drive all the way.  They parked far up on the road and walked down into the treeline.

“This spot is perfect!” said Edie as she twirled in the snow.  Then, she spread her arms wide, dropped down into the snow, and was soon encapsulated in powder, laughing the whole time.”

“You OK Edie?” asked Mike as he trudged towards her.  He reached out to help her up, but she clasped his hand and pulled him right down!

“You sneak,” mumbled Mike as he spat snow from his mouth.  “Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m cold, so let’s get the tea going and put up the tent.”

“Good call,” said Edie as she got her solar kettle and accessories ready.  “Today it’s green chai, and I thought it would be nice to try that brand new maple honey that we picked up today!”  Before too long, steam was pouring from the kettle and delightful smells were filling the forest.  But Edie was distracted and Mike sought some revenge.

THWACK!  A snowball pelted her in the back of the head as Mike snickered in glee.  He tried to run away but the snow was far too deep.  He tripped and was buried in the deep snow.  He sank deeper as he struggled to get up, laughing the whole time.  Edie trudged in his direction and pulled him up.

“Serves you right!” said she.  Mike had to agree.

The two sat down to tea and indulged in some happy conversation as they set up the tent.  Mike trudged through the snow towards the car.  They had unpacked a few essentials – the bags, the tent, the solar kettle – but most of their camping gear was still inside.  Mike fumbled through this pockets, but suddenly, he had a serious problem.

“Ummm…Edie…we have a serious problem.”

She was unphased.  “What’s wrong?”

“I lost the keys,” Mike answered glumly.  “They must have fallen into the snow.  The rest of our equipment, including your rocket boots, are in the car.  Aww, crap…my phone is in the car!”

Edie checked her pockets.  “Oh no…mine too.”

Mike held back a tirade of F-bombs. He threw his Canadian toque into the snow in frustration. “I can’t believe this! Now we’re stuck out here with no phones, no rocket boots, and all our equipment is in the car!”

Suddenly Mike felt the cold smack of a snowball to the side of his head.  He looked towards Edie.

“You had to pay for hitting me with a snowball in the back of my head…my perfectly straightened hair will get wet and start to wave now!”  She laughed as Mike wiped the snow from his face.

“I like you with wavy hair,” answered Mike.  “But what about the keys?”

Edie placed a finger on her chin and pondered.

“I say we continue as planned.  We have everything we need, and I can recruit my Canadian squirrel friends to help find the keys.”

Mike shrugged.  “If you say so, but that’s a lot of snow for them to dig through.”

“Hey,” said Edie.  “These are Canadian squirrels, the hardiest I’ve ever seen!  They’ve got this!”  Edie raised her arms to the trees and called.  “Canadian squirrels!  To my side!”

Nothing happened.  A wind began to whip through the branches, but no squirrels came.  Edie repeated her command, but the animals were silent.

“It’s the storm.  All the squirrels gave gone to ground.  There’s a blizzard coming.  I suggest we reinforce the tent with snow blocks, to help keep the wind off,” said Mike grimly.

Edie nodded in agreement.  The two began digging up and packing large blocks of snow into a wall on the west side of the tent, where the wind would be coming in hard.  They were unusually silent as they worked, for as upbeat as Edie was on the exterior, inside she knew they had to take this seriously.

Mike felt the silence and decided to sing.

“I get up!  And nothin’ gets me down.  You got it tough? I’ve seen the toughest around!”

Edie looked up and sang along.

“And I know!  Baby, just how you feel!  You got to ro-o-oll with the punches and get to what’s real!”

“Might as well jump!” exclaimed Mike as he leapt atop the wall they were constructing.  “This is pretty good Edie!  It’s solid.”  He looked up through the trees.  “Sky is turning really ugly though.  It’s going to be black out soon, and the wind is picking up.”

“Let’s get inside and eat,” suggested Edie.

“Barbecue chicken a-la Mike,” responded her friend.

“Isn’t it too snowy to barbecue?” asked Edie.

“This?  Not in Canada.  In Canada this is a minor annoyance.  Fortunately we unpacked the cooler and grill…priorities!” answered Mike.

Everything was prepared in advance.  The chicken had been marinating for hours in a local Guelph BBQ sauced called Silver Bullet.  The veggies were chopped and buttered.  With the flick of a Bic, soon Mike had his grill fiery hot.  He carefully turned the pieces, caramelising the sauce and skin together into one crispy layer of delicious.  He then plated the delicious food with the care of a gourmet, even as the snow glistened on his beard.

Inside the tent, Edie had arranged things for comfort and practicality.  She had the tea at the ready, and something else too.  Mike looked down at his seat and found an ice-cold Coca Cola with Coffee – Dark Roast.

“What’s this??” asked Mike as he took his seat.

“A surprise,” answered Edie.

“I had actually planned on going soda-free this vacation, Edie…but thank you.  This will taste great with the chicken!”

“Everyone deserves a treat now and then, drink up and enjoy!” smiled Edie.

“I got you something, too,” said Mike,  “Here, put it on.”  He handed Edie her very own Canadian toque.

“A beanie with the Canadian Leaf on it!!” she said excitedly.

“It’s a toque, but put it on!  We’re not eating until you’re properly dressed!” prompted Mike.  Edie eagerly placed the knit cap over her head and smiled a huge grin.

“I love it!” grinned Edie.  Mike thought she fit right in now.  He picked up his plate, but Edie stopped him.

“Wait…let’s say grace this time,” she said.

Mike listened to the storm beginning to whip around them, and nodded in agreement.  Edie said a few words of thanks.

Moments later, they were fingers-deep into the chicken, with barbecue sauce lingering on the lips and laughter in the air.

The wind continued to whip around them, playing their tent like a drum.  Edie looked concerned, but Mike reminded her that they reinforced the structure with blocks of snow for this just exact reason.  Mike scooched over next to her.

“It’s so loud!” said Edie.

“Imagine if we were out in the clear, without the trees to shelter us!  Like those old boys in the Antarctic over 100 years ago…just them in their tents and nobody else on the whole continent.  They were out of food and out of fuel…we have both!  We just need to stay warm.”

“I don’t think the animals are looking for your keys anymore,” said Edie solemnly.

“Can you blame ’em?” asked Mike with a chuckle.  Edie shook her head with an emphatic “No!”

The dark was well upon them now, and the two sat up, leaning in on each other for warmth, telling stories and jokes until Edie fell asleep right there on Mike’s shoulder.

When he realized she wasn’t laughing at his hilarious jokes anymore, Mike gently moved Edie down to her foam mattress, and covered her with her sleeping bag.

“Sweet dreams, Edie Van Heelin’, and may the sun come out tomorrow,” said Mike and he tucked her in.

Outside, the wind cast doubt.  In Canadian winter, there is never a guarantee the sun will be out tomorrow.

Smiling in her beanie, Edie drifted off.  Mike was slow to slumber.  He saw Edie snoring peacefully, her breath puffing clouds in the cold air, and he wondered, “What is she dreaming of right now?”

In her mind, she was communing with a large family of wolves.  Wait…no…the picture was getting clearer in her sleep.  She was building an igloo…fortifying it like a snow fort…when suddenly her work was interrupted by arctic wolves so large, she could ride upon them.  There was a mother and father wolf, and two cubs, white and grey with eyes as sharp as ebony darts.  But they were friendly, and the mother wolf lay down on the ground so Edie could climb on.

Mike drifted off to sleep.  As he took his first big snore, he somehow joined Edie in her dream.  She motioned to him, “climb on,” and so he did.  The father wolf was laying in the snow waiting.  Instinctively, and not knowing how to ride a giant horse-sized wolf, he climbed on.  Then, like steel springs suddenly triggered, the wolves took off!  In their dreams, Mike and Edie hung on securely to their mounts and caught the snowflakes that flew into their faces, directly on the tongue.

“I’ve always wanted to do this!” screamed Edie in glee.

Mike turned and stared.  “You’ve always wanted to ride a giant arctic wolf, in the snow?”

“Yeah!” screamed Edie.  “Haven’t you?”

“No,” answered Mike, “It never occurred to me.  And also, this must be your dream and not mine, because even I know that we don’t have arctic wolves down here!”

The pair laughed as they rode….

Hours passed.  As they slumbered peacefully away, outside the tent, the snow had continued to fall.  Accumulating rapidly, the tent was all but buried by the first rays of the new day.

It was Edie who woke first, in near-total dark, thanks to the layers of snow now around and above them.

She shook Mike on the shoulder.  “Mike!  Mike!  Wake up!  We have a problem.”

Groggily, her Canadian companion slowly opened his sleep-crusted eyes and yawned.

“Edie, I had the weirdest dream…”

“Never mind that Mike.  I have some good news and some bad news,” swallowed Edie.

“Give me the bad news first,” moaned Mike.

Edie gestured around the tent and said, “We appear to be almost completely buried.”

Mike groaned some more.  “Well, my back is at least partially mobile today.  Looks like digging is in our future.  What’s the good news?”

Edie smiled.  “I brought a special tea for breakfast!”

Groaning again, Mike drank some sort of strange watermelon tea concoction, and began shoveling.

“Never again!” he moaned as he dug.  “Never again am I going winter camping!”

Edie laughed, grabbed and shovel, and joked, “Oh yes you will!”

The morning turned into midday, and Mike had had enough of snow, winter, and all of it!  In a grumpy mood, he trudged off alone, heading towards the nearest town, and a tow truck.  Back at camp, Edie took some pictures and made some snow angels, waiting for the tow truck to eventually arrive.  But what did arrive took her completely by surprise.

A family of giant wolves were sniffing around the treeline.  Just like in her dream.  The mother wolf approached, beckoned her to climb on, and leaned down so Edie could ride.  Wordlessly, she did just that.  With a flash, they were off.

“Canadian wolves!  Into town to meet up with Fanboy Mike!”  The wolf pack darted forward in the snow, with a gleeful Edie singing Bob Seger songs as the wind whipped her hair.

Mike was seated at a local garage, drinking a coffee, and waiting for the tow truck to return from its last call.  He was sore all over from that hike.  He was all but falling asleep with the newspaper opened in front of him.  Ironically, it was the entertainment section, and there was even an article about Edie’s upcoming album being produced by Wolfgang Van Halen.

As if on cue, Edie Van Heelin’ pranced through the doors.

“Miss me?” she asked?

Mike gasped.  “How the heck did you get here so quickly, without rocket boots?”

Edie grinned.  “Why, I rode on the back of a giant mother wolf, of course!”

The garage attendant standing behind the counter choked on his coffee a bit, and regained his composure.  “The hell you say?” he asked astonished.

“Don’t be surprised,” said a bemused Mike.  “That’s Edie Van Heelin’.  She can talk to animals.”

“I’m not talking about that,” said the grease monkey.  “Giant mother wolf?  Is that what you said?”  Edie nodded affirmative.  “Lady…you just had a close encounter with the unexplained!”  He took a minute to regain his composure.  “There’s a legend around here, going back 200 years, or even more.  Reports of a pack of giant arctic wolves, not afraid, not aggressive…friendly.  They show up out of nowhere in the winter, when people are in dire need.  They don’t leave footprints in the snow.  They don’t leave scat on the ground.  There are no physical traces left behind.  Ever.  Show me where the wolves dropped you off.”

The three ran outside to the road.

“It was right here!” said Edie.  “But I don’t….”

“…See any paw prints…” finished Mike.

After some moments of puzzled silence, Mike spoke again. “‘Fantasy is the impossible made probable. Science Fiction is the improbable made possible.’ Rod Serling said that.  But this…this is something other.  We have truly entered the Twilight Zone.”

As if on cue, the grease monkey’s phone rang…with the Twilight Zone theme music.

“Let’s go home,” said Mike.  “This has been the weirdest vacation ever!”

With that, the pair hopped into the tow truck that had just arrived, and silently pondered the mysteries of the unknown.

The end

NEXT TIME…EDIE VAN HEELIN’ vs. TEE BONE MAN!

The long-awaited crossover!  Finale to The Adventures of Tee Bone Man Phase One:  The Squirrel Saga!

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA

Chapter Zero:  Tee Bone Man – Origins (by LeBrain)

Chapter One: A Friend in Need (by LeBrain)

Chapter Two: Hell Freezes Over (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Three: Hell Ain’t A Bad Place to Be (by LeBrain)

Chapter Four: Tee Bone Man and the Rink of…Doom? (by Aaron KMA)

Chapter Five: The Super Duper Vault (by John T. Snow)

Chapter Six: Tee Bone Man Goes to Camp (by LeBrain)

Chapter Seven:  The Revenge of Common Knowledge (by LeBrain)

Chapter Eight:  Tee Bone & Deke’s Time Travelling Adventure (by 80sMetalMan)

Chapter Nine:  Castle Communications (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Ten:  The Case of the Lost Iron Maiden Socks (by LeBrain)

Chapter Eleven:  A Tee Bone Man Christmas (by all five of us)

Chapter Twelve:  Lost In Space (by John T. Snow)

Chapter Thirteen:  Clip Show (by LeBrain)

Chapter Fourteen:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Discover the Tao (An Intermission) (By Aaron KMA)

Chapter Fifteen: Status Acoustic – The Really Big Deal (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Sixteen:  A Crazy Crazy Night (part 1) (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Sixteen:  A Crazy Crazy Night (part 2) (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Sixteen:  A Crazy Crazy Night (part 3) (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Seventeen:  Tee Bone Man vs. Edie Van Heelin’ (by LeBrain) Coming this summer – conclusion to Phase One

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

Chapter Eighteen:  Shinzon – Origins (By LeBrain)

 

 

THE WRITER’S ROOM

The Writer’s Room: Chapter One

The Writer’s Room:  It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like a Tee Bone Man Christmas

The Writer’s Room:  Welcome to the Writer’s Room!

The Writer’s Room:  Empty Room (Coming soon)

 

 

 

THE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie vs. Tommy Lee in the Bouncy Castle of Doom! (By LeBrain)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie and the Quest for the Lost Lego (By LeBrain with Harrison Kopp)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation (By LeBrain)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation Part 2 (By LeBrain & California Girl)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie Meets the Wolf (by LeBrain)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie’s Winter Vacation (By LeBrain & California Girl)