I think I’m going to go ahead and declare winter “over”. In Canada that can be a rather meaningless gesture, but I’m going to do it anyway. So let’s talk about mental health during the winter of 2022-23.
Winter started mild. Most importantly though, I had this plan, see….
Well you know what they say about plans.
It was a simple plan, and it did work for the first part of the winter. Because I have Seasonal Affective Disorder, winter can be the most difficult time of year for me. Winter in Canada can be unpleasant. Dark, wet, cold, often all three at once. The nights are long. The days are spent in an office. When I arrived at work, it was still dark. When I left for home, it was already dark. This takes its toll. So what was the plan, then? The plan was to try and see winter through new eyes. My American friend MarriedandHeels has never experienced winter. I thought it would be fun to share images and videos of things she doesn’t see every day, like giant icicles, road salt, snowbanks and all the rest of it. For a time, it worked. The novelty of it was really fun. Some of these snowbanks were mountains! Her reactions were entertaining (especially to the idea of road salt). However, as the months dragged it, this wore itself out on me. Every day seemed like a repeat of the last. The snow lingered and lingered on, accumulating and dominating the images.
Things started to go to hell. Everyone in my family except my dad has had Covid, including my 98 year old grandmother.
Oh, my grandmother.
She took ill early this year. We thought was was gone, twice. I wrote her eulogy! I came home from work early and wrote a eulogy…and she keeps hanging on. I have grieved her twice this year already! But she is currently doing well.
My sister has been sick, my mom has been sick, my dad is feeling the years take their toll on his body.
I’ve been sick twice, once with stomach ailments and once with Covid. Same with Jen, but she’s had a much longer dance with Lady ‘Rona. The isolation also takes its toll.
I would say I fell apart a couple times this winter. Two people thought I should see a psychiatrist and get put on happy pills. I have tried happy pills before and they do not work for me. They wreak havoc on my stomach and I prefer to do this without prescriptions. MarriedandHeels expressed her concern that I had fallen into a depression, and I agreed with her.
But then things started to change. The clocks went forward, giving more daylight during the leisure hours. The snow started to finally melt. The birds are returning. And soon the snow tires will be off! And that can only mean one thing. Cottage season!
I’m starting to feel like myself again.
This has been without a doubt the most brutal winter since the winter of cancer, 2018. Did you know it was actually the darkest winter in Ontario in 80 years? That means it was the darkest winter most of us have ever experienced.
Winter took its toll, did its damage, but I won. I am still standing and it is gone.
RECORD STORE TALES #1023: “Just the pieces of the man I used to be”
You never know how it’s gonna go.
You roll out of bed feeling like a winner, and then suddenly for absolutely no reason, that completely changes and you’re struggling to break even.
Maybe it’s the pressures of modern life. The hustle and the bustle. The need to get things done, even though you’re behind and energy is in short supply.
The feeling of loneliness even though you are not alone. There’s a dark place in your heart, only inhabited by you, that no one can break into. It’s not that you can’t let them in. It’s that you don’t even know how to open that door. Of if you actually want to. If you’d prefer to be alone.
The daily monotony, the commute, the cold, the damp.
The fact that all the hours of daylight happen when you’re in an office doing your daily grind.
The pressure and drive to do something important, to be someone who matters. To make a difference. To be somebody…anybody…but who you are.
Somehow, a sad song helps. There’s something about a sad song that can pry its way into your soul. Provide sympathy. Warmth. Help you dry the tears. That tells you someone out there is feeling the exact same way you do. It’s as if someone in the world knows you, just as well as you know yourself.
You could be in a room full of happy celebrations, and feel so alone, so completely down, yet have to fake it to make it.
One of the worst winters of my younger life was the winter of ’95-96. I had just been dumped by my first real serious girlfriend. I put on a brave face and for a few days, I thought I had weathered the storm. I listened to “classic British hard blues” that week and felt super strong. The crash came later. One of the albums that helped me through that winter was Queen’s Made In Heaven. The final album with Freddie. Though there is some undeniable dark material on the album, such as “Mother Love”, and “Too Much Love Will Kill You”, I was amazed at how positive some of the other songs such as “Heaven For Everyone” were. The album was like a journey through my own convoluted feelings.
“I’m just the pieces of the man I used to be, Too many bitter tears are raining down on me.”
Yet on the same album:
“In these days of cold affections, You sit by me and everything’s fine.”
What will the album for the winter of 2022 be? For the last several years, I’ve been digging deep down into the albums that made me happy as a youth.
“Listen! They said I didn’t stand a chance, I wouldn’t win no way, But I’ve got news for you, There’s nothing I can’t do!”
It was a different time. There was misery, but nothing can duplicate that feeling of hearing a song for the first time. A song that you know means something to you. That is destined to stick with you for your whole life. And when you put those records on again, a million things start happening in your head. You can be 12 or 13 again. A time when the real problems of life were completely unknown to you and the biggest issue you had was figuring out how to talk to the girl you liked.
Like a phantom of a dream, old songs make the memories real again. As you wipe a tear from your eye, you remember. It can help sooth the sadness.
Sometimes you just have to cry it out, whatever it is. Hell, I don’t know what it is exactly. I just know it sucks.
They say that life never hands you anything you can’t handle. I don’t know about that. History is rife with people who could not handle what life has given them. I think I can – but it’s never simple, straightforward, or obvious how to do it.
So I write.
It’s the only thing I’m really good at. The only thing people really notice about me.
I write in the hopes that someone will understand.
That someone will relate.
That someone can take what I have experienced and draw something good from it.
And that maybe I’ll get some of that goodness back.
This winter has been pretty good. My strategies are working. My support personnel are solid. But there will always be days where I can’t help it. Can’t help FEELING IT. The old familiar sting of that cold, unrelenting loneliness. The kind of loneliness that can strike even when you are in a room full of loved ones.
One of the best albums for this time of year is Catherine Wheel’s Adam & Eve record. It captures it all.
“Start the day, in a cold December way, feel what’s new, it’s December through and through.”
And on the same record:
“And we crown ourselves again, There’s been no change since you and I were young, When we burned ourselves again, The spaceship days when you and I were young.”
I crave those spaceship days so hard sometimes. But you can never really go back.
Except with a song.
Come back with me. Join me in my memories, on this sad, cold winter day.
RECORD STORE TALES #1018: Surfing the October Colours (Cottage Video)
The last cottage weekend before closing was totally maxed out! And I don’t mean Max the Axe!
Life is too short. It must be lived to the fullest. When you and I first met here at mikeladano.com, I was 10 years younger. Spending four hours on a Saturday pounding words into a keyboard was nothing back then. Today I’d rather be experiencing life. So that’s what we did. From music to food to photography, we enjoyed our last weekend at the cottage before closing, to the max!
The music for the road was top notch. Ghost’s new album Impera received another spin. It’s as good as the day it was released. Then while hanging out in the “G” folder, we rocked out George Lynch’s debut solo album, Sacred Grooves. Better than any of the Lynch Mob albums. It also enabled me to teach Jen a little bit about the mighty Glenn Hughes. His struggles and triumphs. On the road home, we rocked David Lee Roth’s Eat ‘Em and Smile and Your Filthy Little Mouth. A pretty solid selection of guitar rock.
The fall colours were spectacular. Orange, yellow, deep maroon. As you are all well aware, I am not usually a “fall guy”. This year has been a little different. I have a friend in California who finds all this Canadian weather beautiful and fascinating. For her, I enjoyed documenting the weekend with video tours and personal messages. It totally made this fall weekend a different experience for me. It was like seeing the place through new eyes. And this is now going to be part of my wellness plan for winter. She wants me to continue sending her fun videos and pictures of the Canadian landscape during the snowy months. I checked my phone — do you know how many pictures of snow I had from past winters? Two. TWO. I have photos on my phone going back to 2014, and I only have two with snow in them. With her enthusiasm and encouragement, I’m going to have fun documenting the winter of 2022-2023! I’ve never had this before — a friend in a sunny climate who has requested Canadian snow videos! On the condition that I stay safe and don’t crash my car or break my neck! This gives me a whole new project to do this winter, that I never had before. I feel very positive about going into the cold, dark winter months.
I’m recovering well from my dental surgery and ate two steaks this weekend! They were awesome! As were all the fish and mushrooms I cooked up. No A5 wagyu in stock at the butcher’s shop though. That will have to wait until next year, I suppose.
We did something else different that we haven’t done in recent years. We went into town! I took some video of the big waves, a daring surfer, and some quaint streets. Something new for this video.
Please enjoy this last cottage video before we close — all to the music of Tee Bone Erickson and Max the Axe!
Summer is over. Today is the first day of fall. For the final cottage video of the summer, you can see more of the incredible wildlife that we have come to expect. This is edited to the tune of my favourite Tee Bone Erickson song, “The Last Train”.
While it is always sad when summer comes to an end, it must be remembered that things are not like they once were. I don’t think I’ve ever gone swimming in September before. Fall is not necessarily the depressing wet cold thing it was in the 80s or even the 90s.
This video also features a cameo by my old friend and guest contributor Aaron Lebold. I don’t think I have seen Aaron in person since the Record Store days! We hung out and shot the shit for about an hour. He brought me some crazy Optimus Prime figures that you will see as well. Good to see an old friend, and good to have company at the lake, which we have not had since well before the pandemic.
This autumn presents three challenges. One is familiar, two are new. One is really bothering me.
CHALLENGE THE FIRST: Seasonal Mood Disorder
Hello fall, my old friend. I wish you’d fuck off again!
CHALLENGE THE SECOND: Kitchen renovation
Loyal readers will recall that our kitchen and bathroom were ripped apart last year after a leak in the building. Now it is finally time to redo the kitchen. Next week, this begins with a consultation and estimate. I’m not looking forward to all the disruption, but we’ve put it off long enough. Any survival tips?
CHALLENGE THE THIRD: Dental surgery
I never had my wisdom teeth out until well into my 30’s. I have one left. Now that one is starting to cause problems. It is also impacted against another tooth and neither can be saved. They both have to go. The surgery is scheduled for September 28. They have to knock me out. I’ve never been knocked out in my life. They advised me to take five days of rest afterwards. I’ve never done that before either.
To say this has been freaking me out is an understatement. Fear of the unknown. Oh, sure. I “know” everything will be fine. That’s not how anxiety operates. It ignores what you “know” and focuses on all sorts of “what can go wrong” scenarios. Whatever your brain can dream up. I have a pretty creative brain. I’ve imagined every scenario from a broken jaw to never waking up. You name it, my brain has already come up with it.
I have support and I have strategies. One strategy I have been given is to make fun plans for the five days that I will be out of commission. A Lord of the Rings marathon is one possible plan. I have also planned a series of posts called “Teeth Week”. All songs about or relating to teeth. I’ll visit my parents and go for fall walks.
Much like the kitchen reno, this is long overdue. Short term pain for long term gain on both, we hope. Thinking of the benefits. Toothaches gone would be a plus. A nice kitchen would be a plus. Trying to focus. As a result, I haven’t been focused on writing and may have to put some projects like the Def Leppard series on temporary hold. We’ll see how it goes. I don’t mind telling you I’m scared.
I sound like a broken record at the end of every summer. It’s tough to keep the spirits up at this time of year. It’s likely I’ve taken my last swim of 2021. Next time we get to the lake, the sun will be down by the time we arrive. And then will come the day it is covered with snow, and empty for the winter slumber.
Music helps – music always, always helps. So does writing. But it is an annual challenge.
When I was a kid, the end of August would signal the start of the “sad times”. The back-to-school ads. Reminders that I was going to have to spend another year with a bunch of bullies again. Then the colder weather started to roll in. Our family would take two weeks of vacation in August but back then, they were two cold, rainy weeks. (Not like today.) You had to start dressing in long pants and sweat shirts.
Shopping for notebooks and new school clothes. Realizing that a few weeks of warm freedom were about to be replaced by 10 months of misery. I hated Labour Day weekend. Back to the “hell hole” as my sister would say. These feelings stick with me today. I can’t flip the calendar from August to September without them.
Even though I’m not in school anymore, the heavy heart returns. I now know that I have Seasonal Affective Disorder and it’s something I need to fight every fall.
Last year was a success! I avoided the seasonal depression. I spent my summer making lots of videos, to take me back there in my mind when I needed it. I also had the show, the LeBrain Train, to look forward to every weekend. This year is different. The videos and photos don’t have the same impact two years in a row, and since May the LeBrain Train has become more of a burden than a joy. I need something new to keep my spirits up this winter, and I don’t yet know what that is. It is true that we have a long September ahead, warm but shorter days. I hope this mitigating factor helps. I think what I really need is some new creative spark to keep me looking forward. Last year it was the LeBrain Train but the burnout factor has ensured that I need something fresh that I can look forward to from September to May.
What used to cheer me up at this time of year?
As a kid I used to be excited for a new season of the Pepsi Power Hour which hasn’t existed in 30 years. I don’t watch a lot of TV these days, but fortunately Marvel has constant content forthcoming on Disney+. We have a new Iron Maiden album to look forward to, but the idea of new music from my favourite bands doesn’t have the same excitement factor as when I was 15 years old. Yes I’m happy there is a new Iron Maiden coming, but compared to the sheer expectation of Seventh Son coming out in ’88? No chills.
It feels like…work? Like I haven’t finished digesting The Book of Souls and here comes another one. I can’t remember how half that album goes, and now we have a new one to get to know. It’s not like in the old days when I felt literally starved of Iron Maiden because I’d played all their albums over and over and over. Now, there are so many that you don’t necessarily even play them all in a year.
Back then, getting a new Iron Maiden album felt just as amazing as a new Star Wars or Marvel movie today. Something you have been anticipating for a while. Music videos were like movie trailers. We’d watch repeatedly, we’d pause, and we’d slo-mo trying to glimpse details. Costumes, instruments, stage sets, all of it.
When I was working at the Record Store, I still didn’t know that this seasonal depression thing was real and not just me. It often came and went in spurts. I used to call them a “big blue funk”. 2003 was a very “funky” year for me. I’d been dumped (twice) by my Radio Station Girl, and even with a new Iron Maiden in my back pocket (Dance of Death, and also a new Deep Purple called Bananas) I still felt like I needed to do something to help me get through the winter. And there was something I used to do to pick myself up back then, especially if I had my heart broke. Yes, broken hearts are for assholes, but I chose to get new holes. On September 3, I went to Stigmata in Guelph and got my nose pierced.
It was my third visit to the tattoo studio that year. After Radio Station Girl dumped me, I got my lip pierced at Stigmata. A couple months later I got my tragus pierced — that piece of cartilage at the opening of your ear. A friend of mine named Lois Sarah had just started piercing there and if I remember the details correctly, I was a guinea pig. It’s fun to go back and read my notes!
Lois asked if I was ready. I said yes, and she asked me to take a deep breath and exhale….
I said, “Wow, I didn’t feel a thing.”
Lois said, “That’s because it’s not through yet.”
I felt the needle go through at least 3 distinct layers of cartilage. Each one hurt more than the last. On the last layer, I said, “FUCK” and both my legs shot out.
Lois did a great job and it’s the one piercing that I do still have.
But September 3 2003 was just my nose, nothing too painful. It was Labour Day weekend once more, and I decided to go for it. Normally I went to get a piercing with a “wingman” but this was my first time going alone. I distinctly remember wearing my Iron Bitchface T-shirt. An uber-cool looking guy with a massive afro shot me an approving glance, so I felt good from the get-go.
I was led to the back room, but not before washing up my hands with disinfectant gel. I sat down in the Very Big Chair, as I liked to call it, and Lois prepared the goods. She marked my nostril with a dot and got the position right where I wanted it. Then she applied some iodine to the area, both inside and out. She tested out the position of the receiving tube, and finally asked me to take a deep breath. As I exhaled, the needle went in no problem. Almost no pain at all. I’ve been pinched harder. (By your mom.)
The rest of the year still sucked, nose ring or not. It was the year of working with the Dandy, a manchild that drove me slowly mad as he sucked up to the big-wigs. Work was miserable and not getting any better. But at least I was proactive, and did something that I thought would help. Something that helped in the past.
I’ve been there and done that with piercings, and though I like the look of them, I don’t enjoy the upkeep. I prefer to spend my money on something more permanent, like a tattoo. That’s something to consider, but I think I need to look elsewhere for a bright spot this winter. Maybe I will find my joy in the live show once again, but I can’t count on it. Truth be told, I haven’t been feeling it as much since May. I remember telling a viewer that I was struggling and he suggested back then that I take a break. But I didn’t feel like I could take that break until the end of the summer. And here we are.
So now I search for some new slant on my creative outlet to revitalize me. Something to look forward to regularly. I was very lucky during the winter of 2020-2021. I hope I can pull it off again!
The air is cooler, the leaves are changing colour, and I am sort of keeping it all together.
Six months ago we all went into lockdown, with the optimism of summer still ahead of us. We didn’t know what summer would look like, but it had to be better than lockdown, right? For most of us, it was. We got outside, basked in some sun, watched the numbers go down, and dared to have some hope.
Now the days are shorter, the sleeves are longer, and the numbers are climbing once again. As it gets colder, our options for getting out of the house are fewer. Some people love this season. They love the leaves, the sweaters, the blankets. I dislike the cold, the dark, the misery. Now we have to deal with the uncertainty of the future too. Thanksgiving? Halloween? No guarantees. Some will participate, some will be unable.
Fortunately, music will be there. It always has been and always will be.
There are plenty of albums that I consider “autumn albums” even if they are not.
Savatage are a good band for fall and winter. They might be from Florida but albums like Dead Winter Dead and Handful of Rain have a cold, dark aura. Early Sabbath fits the mold. Queensryche’s Rage For Order. Radiation by Marillion. It’s all very subjective but as much as summer music really activated my memory circuits, the same can happen with winter tunes. This is something to look forward to.
Yes, there are some things I can look forward to. When I’m hunkered down indoors staying dry and warm, the VHS Archives will return. I find this to be a good project to work on in the colder months. Pulling out old VHS tapes, converting them and putting them on YouTube just seems to work better in the winter. It’s also a good time for buying and trying new tech. I’m going to try and teach myself some Photoshop this year, so I can give you better images for this site. This winter I’ll also have live streaming. That will continue as long as necessary. I look forward to it and so do the viewers.
I’ll try to focus on what I can do during the winter, and not what I can’t. Not the traffic, not the wet, not the mess, not the inconvenience. I will try. I never believed in what Yoda said. “Do. Or do not. There is no try.” I understand the point of it — don’t let failure enter your mind, focus only on completing the task. I just never bought into it. I’ve given myself some goals, and I will try.
Maybe I can even use some of that negative stuff that I hate. Do you want to see videos of driving around in the snow to the music of Max the Axe? Do you want to see me attempt to live stream outdoors from a snowy porch? It’s likely that both will happen!
There’s one last brick in this fortress of mental health that I am attempting to build that I have not mentioned. And that is you. For almost nine years you’ve been there waiting for the next chapter, review, or video. You’ve shared your thoughts and ideas, and opened your hearts. Without the loyal reader (or lately, viewer), I might have given up writing a long time ago and done something else. I am grateful. So thank you!
mikeladano.com 