Author: mikeladano

Metal, hard rock, rock and roll! Record Store Tales & Reviews! Grab A Stack of Rock and more. Poking the bear since 2010.

Part 13: Klassic Kwotes II

As with the first Klassic Kustomer Quotes, everything below is true.  Only the names have been changed to protect the guilty.  Here’s 10 more.

  • “Yeah, I’m the original drummer for the Rolling Stones.  I was first.  I helped those guys form the band.  Then they stole all my shit.  Bunch of assholes.”  Said to me by a confused guy about five years my senior.
  • “Where the fuck are my sunglasses?  I left them right here!  You must have taken them!  Where the fuck are my sunglasses?”  Said to us by a guy who had forgotten that he was wearing his sunglasses on his head.
  • “All five Backstreet Boys released solo albums on the same day!  How come you don’t have them?  Walmart has them!”  No such releases ever existed, by the way.
  • I admit that sometimes our “we buy used CD’s” sign could be confusing.  But I was still as surprised as any to hear the question, “How much will you give me for my royal wedding collector’s plates?”

 

  • After both a debit card and a credit card being declined, I was asked, “Will you take a cheque?  No?  How about my Sears card?”

 

  • “I saw Journey play the Casino last weekend.  They were AMAZING!  Steve Perry was amazing!  He still sings the same as he always did!  And he even still looks the same!”  Said to me by an excited lady who had no idea that she saw Journey with Steve Augeri.  Steve Perry quit the band five years earlier.  By the way, Augeri doesn’t even remotely resemble Steve Perry except they both have brown hair.
  • “It still plays fine.  I played it on the way here.  It didn’t skip.”  Said to me by a guy who didn’t noticed that his disc has a giant crack in it.
  • “Hey man, the owner always gives me a discount.”  This was a pretty common one.  Not many people had a discount, certainly not many that I didn’t know.  But this one kept going.  “I’m the one who gave him the idea for selling used CD’s.  I said, ‘Hey man you know what you gotta do?  Sell used CD’s.  That’s what you gotta do.  Sell them used CD’s and you’ll make a mint.’  That’s what I said to George.”  The owner’s name was not George.
  • “Hey, if I buy a blank CD, can you guys just load it up full of good tunes for me?”  Comment not necessary.
  • And of course, my favourite.  “I’ve gotta take a shit real, real bad.  Can I use the can?  Like I gotta go so bad man, you have no idea.”  I’ll admit, it was against company policy to let any customer use the washroom in any situation, but I had to break the rules on this one.  After all, I actually had someone take a shit in my store before.  No, I’m not talking about me.  There’s this girl, and she shit her pants in the store, and I don’t think she even knew it.  I still see her at the mall sometimes.  You never…ever…forget the face of someone who took a shit in their pants right in front of you.  The smell…was ungodly.  She stepped up to the counter.  She asked a question.  She asked numerous questions.   The stink was so bad!  I stood as far back as possible without trying to look like I was stepping back as far as possible.  I stepped on a CD case against the wall, the crack was audible.  And she kept asking questions.  I will never be convinced in a million years that this girl even knew she had shit her pants.

 

REVIEW: Alice Cooper – Welcome 2 My Nightmare (2011)

Alright folks, dig in, I plan to get as detailed as possible as to the different bonus tracks and versions.  Enjoy.

I make a point of trying to collect all the different bonus tracks for an album, if I really like it.  For this review, we’ll be taking a look at the contents of the Classic Rock Fan Pack edition, the Canadian retail version, the Best Buy version, the iTunes version, and the vinyl.

 

ALICE COOPER – Welcome 2 My Nightmare (2011)

At long last, we have Welcome 2 My Nightmare. Yes, it really does harken back to the Alice Cooper sound of old. Yes, you can definitely tell when members of the original band are involved. Yes, these songs are very diverse.

In fact Alice’s sounds from many eras are revisited: disco Alice, rocker Alice, campy showtunes Alice, a slight nod and a wink to the stone ages and some Zappa-like inspiration. There’s even surf-rock in “Ghouls Gone Wild”, and elsewhere, a Kip Winger cameo. Unfortunately there also a bit of a modern touch: an unfortunate cameo by the talentless Kesha.

Regardless, Alice and Ezrin (let’s give credit where credit is due, Ezrin is the George Martin of this album) have created here a modern masterpiece, a great record to cap Alice’s modern career with one more undenialble winner. Welcome 2 My Nightmare contains a few musical interludes and clues from the first Nightmare, particurly “Steven”, but it’s mostly it’s own beast. It is surprisingly listener-friendly, very melodic and 70’s sounding with plenty of instrumentation and production value.

The prime influence here seems to be sounds of the past, and that’s fine with me. Alice knows what he’s doing and sneers his way through these snappy numbers. Everything builds and changes and builds again, each song is constructed masterfully. Alice and Ezrin have a clear plot in mind. Don’t forget these are the guys who did “Gutter Cat Vs. The Jets” back in 1972.

My favourite tune: The Tom Waits-ish “The Last Man on Earth”, a 1930’s sounding showtune-esque classic, along the lines of Alice’s previous song “Crazy Little Child” from Muscle of Love.

Second favourite: “The Underture”, which reprises the greatest musical anthems from both Nightmare albums in one grandios outro.

One really important thing I want to mention: This is the most fun Alice Cooper has been in while. Welcome 2 has humour and the musical chops to make the album a fun listen from start to back. Whether you like albums such as Brutal Planet or Along Came A Spider is not really the issue.  They’re just not albums to make you chuckle along while you snap your fingers. Welcome 2 My Nightmare, like the original Nightmare from 1975, is a lot more fun.

And now, for the collectors, a word about bonus tracks and the versions you’ll find them on.  Clickity-click for bigger pictures.

   

On the LP you will find the exclusive bonus track called “Flatline”.  I will say though, this Cooper platter really is one to own on vinyl. The sounds are rich and deep. The packaging is gorgeous, gatefold sleeve and nice big booket and all.

“Flatline” is a little staggering, though. Alice did not write it and does not perform on it.  It should best be considered a Bob Ezrin construction.  It consists of the sound of a hospital heart monitor beeping and flatlining for 3 minutes and 30 seconds, with electronic sounds and music in the background. Yet if you are into the concept of concept albums, this song might be a must-own.  It seems to conclusively answer the disposition of the album’s main character. His fate, left somewhat ambiguous in the final vocal song, “I Gotta Get Out Of Here”, is sealed.

(Oh!  And I love that titles such as “I Gotta Get Out Of Here” refer back to earlier Alice nightmare-esque characters such as Dwight Fry.)

The Canadian standard retail edition is full of excellent bonus tracks.  You get three live tunes, all recently performed:  “Poison”, “The Black Widow”, and “No More Mr. Nice Guy” are from the Download Festival.

“Under The Bed”, is also on the Canadian edition, and it is a studio original.  It is an excellent song that would have fit seamlessly right near the start of the story, lyrically and musically. Great song. Don’t know why it’s not in the main body of the album.

While collecting online, I found tracklistings that seemed to indicate that the US Best Buy edition had different bonus tracks.  It does not.  I mistakenly purchased it myself.  The only difference between it and the Canadian edition is a Best Buy sticker on the wrapper, advertizing the bonus tracks.  Therefore US readers, you can get these valuable extra songs at Best Buy.

iTunes, of course, has its own bonus tracks, forcing me to buy the album again.  One is the video for “I’ll Bite Your Face Off”, a good performance-style video.  Its only flaw is that it was filmed before the lovely Orianthi joined the band.

iTunes also has two exclusive studio songs.  “A Bad Situation” sees Alice singing in an exagerrated Elvis Presley type-voice, but the song is a pretty straightforward rock track.  According to Alice, a bad situation would be the nightmare of working 9-5 every day in the same day job.  That’s how this song would have fit into the concept of Nightmare.

“We Gotta Get Out Of This Place” is a cover of The Animals classic, recorded specifically to be a bonus tracks, also on the iTunes version.

ITunes has a 25 minute audio dialogue with Alice Cooper as a final bonus track.  This worthwhile listen has Alice discussing all the songs, their makings, and meanings.  Very cool bonus feature.

Lastly, we have the Classic Rock Fan Pack.  Click to embiggen.

             

The Fan Pack was a pain in the ass to buy and I do not at all recommend the experience to anyone.  It was something like a month late and they were impossible to communicate with.

But you get one of those cool 132 page full colour magazines, including interviews with everybody from Ezrin to Kip Winger to Kane Roberts.  You get posters.  You get a cutout Alice Cooper mask (yippee?).  You get a little metal School’s Out badge.  (No idea why not a Nightmare badge but oh well.)  And lastly, Alice Cooper face paint, that will no doubt be cracked and dried when you open it.

For the album:

5/5 stars

Part 12: The Pepsi Power Hour

RECORD STORE TALES Part 12:  The Pepsi Power Hour

I’m going to take you back in time a bit.  Back to a time before the record store….

I remember back to the 80’s and early 90’s when MuchMusic was king. Back when there was no Jersey Shore and they played actual music videos.  There was no internet at that time, so you had to go to the store to buy your music (more often than not, on cassette). To hear new bands, you watched videos on Much and listened to the radio. There was no YouTube.

There was this frickin’ awesome show on Much back in the day — you remember it. It was originally only on once a week (Thursdays at 4 if I recall) and was hosted by one John “J.D.” Roberts. Yeah, the CNN guy. After he left, the hosting slot rotated between Michael Williams, Steve Anthony, Erica Ehm and Laurie Brown and then finally the late Dan Gallagher. Despite his long hair, Dan didn’t know a lot about metal — he didn’t know how to pronounce “Anthrax” and had never heard of Ratt. But that show was by far the best way to hear new metal back in the day.

That show was THE POWER HOUR.

It was so popular that they eventually had two a week, Tuesdays and Thursdays at 4, which was awesome for me since by 1989 I was working every Thursday at Zehrs.  I could still catch one a week, usually.

I remember tuning in, VCR at the ready to check out all the new videos and catch onto the newest bands. There was this band called Leatherwolf that I found via Hit Parader magazine and first heard on the Power Hour. I loved that band. There was another band called Sword from Montreal. Psycho Circus. Faith No More. Skid Row. Armored Saint. Testament. You could always count on the Power Hour to have Helix on. That show rocked.

They had some of the best interviews as well.  Usually they’d have someone come in and co-host for an hour.  They had everybody from Gene Simmons to Brian Vollmer to Lemmy.  In depth stuff too, at times.

Then in 1990 something else cool happened. I discovered a magazine called M.E.A.T (the periods were for no reason at all, just to look cool like W.A.S.P. but eventually they decided it stood for “Metal Events Around Toronto”). M.E.A.T was awesome because it was monthly, free, and had in depth articles clearly written by knowledgable fans. There was no magazine with that kind of deep coverage. Even Slash loved M.E.A.T, at a time when Guns hated rock magazines! I loved M.E.A.T so much I eventually sent them $10 to subscribe to a free magazine.  I did this on a yearly basis.

I discovered a whole bunch of great bands via that magazine. I Mother Earth, Slash Puppet, Russian Blue, Jesus Christ, not to mention they were way ahead of the curve on alternative. They had a Nirvana concert review back in 1989. They got behind Soundgarden way before they were cool. And you could count on them hanging onto the oldies. They’d put an indi band from Toronto on the cover one month, and put Black Sabbath on the cover the next month.  Next issue they’d have an in-depth interview with Kim Mitchell.  They’d talk about bands that nobody else did.

Their CD reviews were my bible! My music hunting was probably 90% based on their reviews, especially since by then the Power Hour had changed into the 5 day weekly Power 30 hosted by Teresa Roncon, and sucked.  The started playing too much thrash and grunge and never gave the old bands a shot anymore.

Things have changed so much now. I never get into new bands anymore, back then I used to just eat them up. I guess new bands just don’t interest me anymore. I like my old time rock and roll. I did buy the new Sheepdogs, twice.  The last new band I got totally and 100% excited about was The Darkness, and that was, what…2003?

Yet I can’t get into these new metal bands. The music sounds so sterile to my aging ears. The rock has lost its balls. The album I have been most excited about in 2012 was the new Van Halen — a band that is approaching 40 years old. But my God does it rock.  Kiss and Black Sabbath both have new records coming out, and I’m excited about them, but I could two shits about the new Nickelback.

In a lot of ways, it’s a better time for music now.  With eBay and Amazon I’ve managed to fill nearly every gap in my music collection.  There are some bands that I now have complete sets of, and others that I am achingly close.  I’m missing 4 Maiden EP’s and 1 Deep Purple import, for example.  Back in the 80’s you didn’t have access to this.  You didn’t even have access to an accurate and complete discography.  It wasn’t until the internet that this kind of information was even available.

Aside from that, today kind of sucks for music.  Sure, it’s easier to find new bands now, but we did OK in the 80’s.  M.E.A.T turned me on to lots of bands, and they were always giving away sampler cassettes.  Much played all the new videos by all the  metal bands at least once, basically.  You had to work a little harder, but we only appreciated the music more.  It wasn’t disposable.

And there were a lot more new bands around that just plain rocked!

REVIEW: Chickenfoot III

CHICKENFOOT – Chickenfoot III (2011)

When you have talents like these four guys (Sammy and Mike – ex VH, The Satchman, and Chad from the Chilis) then you better hope for a giant leap forwards on the crucial second album. Chickenfoot deliver, with their trademark sense of humour intact but tempered with a new seriousness.

Satriani fans will be in nirvana, as he really strecthes out a lot more than album #1. Some of his tones and fills here are more akin to things we hear on his solo albums. Imagine that with a kickass band behind it.

Sammy and Mike’s vocals blend beautifully once again, bringing to mind vintage Van Hagar. It is incredible to me that Sammy Hagar as a singer has remained this powerful after so many years. Has any lead vocalist ever aged as well as Sammy Hagar? Paul Rodgers maybe?

Lastly Chad Smith — I know that Kenny Aranoff will be incredible on tour, there is no doubt of Kenny’s skill. But Chad Smith really kicks some serious butt on this album. Just listening to the snare hits, I ask myself how many broken sticks and drum heads were tallied up in the studio.

Highlights are every single song, but one I keep coming back to is “Different Devil”, a joyful romp through the countryside with the top down. There are no bad songs on this album. The closest we get is “Three And A Half Letters” which is mostly delivered in a tiring spoken-word vocal. The lyrics are poignant enough, letters from people seriously down on their luck, with Sammy screaming “I need a job!” during the choruses. Indeed, Sammy is rarely this polical.

“Big Foot”, the first single, stomps through the forest relentlessly, but it actually seems to be about a car. “Got ‘Houses Of The Holy’ on the box, got it all cranked up cause, yeah! that shit rocks!” sings Sammy back in celebratory mode.

Fans of album #1 will remember that album’s cool gimmick, the heat-sensitive packaging. This time Chickenfoot go 3D. I have the classic rock Fan Pack edition which came with 3D glasses among other goodies.  Some of these goodies included a set of five guitar picks, and a keychain/bottle opener.  Some people consider this kind of stuff junk, and it kind of is, but I think collectors who dig guitar picks will want this.

                                          

There’s also a full colour 132 page magazine with interviews and all sorts of goodness to read and look at.

Bonus tracks: Be aware of the following bonus tracks out there!

Live versions of “Down The Drain” and “Oh Yeah” are included in my Fan Pack. These tracks are taken from the live Chickenfoot DVD (Get Your Buzz On), but this is their first release in audio format.  This is the only place you can get these two tracks.

I don’t know where to get it yet, but some versions of the album come with a “hidden” song called “No Change”. I have heard it, and “No Change” is an angry political rocker with a simply storming riff. The buzz on fan boards has it listed as the best track on the album! You decide.

Now, I do want to say one thing:  Sammy Hagar should shut his mouth about Van Halen.  I’m sick of hearing him give them backhanded compliments and stuff in the press.  It’s obvious he’s bitter, but he shouldn’t be.  He made a great album.  He should get out there, tour his ass off, but shut the hell up.

5/5 stars.

Part 11: Klassic Kwotes I!

1. Once, we opened a CD case to find a small piece of paper inside.  The customer said, “Ahh, can’t forget my spliff paper!”

2. We were once approached by a man in a cheap suit at the counter, who asked, “Do you like the drugs?  Do you like the crack?”

3. “You got any Luta?” I was once asked by a large man with a heavy Carribean accent.  Luta, that’s what we all heard, like “loo-tah” with emphasis on the “loo”.  We asked him to spell it?  He couldn’t.  I said, “Is it L-u-t-a?” to which he responded, “Yeah, man.”  Well a search for Luta revealed nothing.  We went back and forth for 10 minutes before he finally mentioned “Dance With My Father”.  Luta.  Luther.  Luther Vandross.

4. “Don’t worry, I ain’t got AIDS or nothin’!”  This was once said to us by a man who handed us a Beach Boys box set, covered in his own blood.

5. “Do you have any of that lesbian music?” This was asked of me by a middle-aged lady.  All I could respond with was, “Uhhh…I don’t think that’s an actual genre of music?”

6. We once saw a guy looking at the booklet for the new Fleetwood Mac album, The Dance.  We asked if he would like to listen to it, and he said, “Nah.  Just checking out the babes.”

7. “Dave Matthews Band, and Matthew Good Band.  What’s the difference?”   Uhhh…they both spell, and pronounce, their names differently.

8. We had a big sign, and all our ads said “WE BUY USED CD’S”  One day a guy pulled up on a bike with a milk crate full of records on the back.  It was close to 40 degrees (celcius) that day but he pulled up on a bike.  A bicycle, leather jacket, 40 degrees, milk crate full of records.  He was really pissed off when we told him we didn’t take records.  “Well you should fucking advertize that!  Do you know who I am?”  Obviously a mover and a shaker, you and your whack bike.

9. Remember that Japanese lady that was asking me about Chris Cornell when I first started at the record store?  If not, read back.  She kept coming back, and back, and back.  We’ll call her N.  One day, N came in, and she was in a bad mood already.  “Where’s my treat?  Where’s my treat?”  What?  “My treat?  Are you retarded?  Where’s my treat?”  We had a sign outside that that, “bring your used CDs in for some brand new beats, come in you owe yourself a treat!”

10. “This right here…this is the best CD in the whole store,” said a kid holding a Creed album.

11. This next one, I mean absolutely no disrespect or meanness.  It was just cute, ’tis all.   A young fellow with a Scottish accent came in one day, and said, “Excuse me sir, but do you have any of Mr. Arrow Smith?”  I got him their latest, which was Big Ones at the time.

12. “Whoops.  I just tooted!” said N another time.

13. Again, this one was frequent.  “Do you have anything by that country guy who always wears the hat?”

14. “Is it true that Marilyn Manson once killed a kid?  And he tried to get rid of the body by burning it in the oven?  But the cops came, and Manson escaped out the back door.  The cops said, ‘Smells like children’ when they opened the oven, but Manson was outside listening and that’s how he named the album Smells Like Children, right?”

 15. Yes, the above is a real question.

16. There was another Manson one, this one about time travel.  If you check one of his albums, whichever one was released in 1996, the liner notes reveal one song was written and recorded 1997.  Typo or mindfuck, or…time travel?  My customer said to me, “Manson travelled forward in time to 1997, to the day the world will end.  Then he travelled back in time to now, to warn us about the end of the world.”  Marilyn Manson invented time travel?  Well then what the fuck has Stephen Hawking been doing all these years?

Part 10: What’s it like, working in a record store?

Yours Truly

Everybody always wanted to know how awesome it was to work in a record store.  They all had this Empire Records idea of it when the truth is much closer to High Fidelity.  I kind of considered myself a combination of the John Cusack and Jack Black characters.  I ran the place like Cusack, but I was a Jack Black-like smartass.  Black played a character named Barry.  You know that scene where the guy in the suit is looking for the song, “I Just Called To Say I Love You”?

Customer: Hi, do you have the song “I Just Called To Say I Love You?” It’s for my daughter’s birthday.
Barry: Yeah, we have it.
Customer: Great great… Well, can I have it?
Barry: No, you can’t.
Customer: Why not?!
Barry: Because it’s sentimental tacky crap that’s why! Do we look like a store that sells “I Just Called to Say I Love You”? Go to the mall!
Customer: What’s your problem?!
Barry: Do you even know your daughter? There’s no way she likes that song! Oh oh oh wait! Is she in a coma?
Customer: Oh, okay buddy. I didn’t know it was Pick on the Middle-Aged Square Guy Day. My apologies. I’ll be on my way.
Barry: Buh-bye!
Customer: Fuck you!

I never quite went that far, but I was always fond of the subtle insults.  I was also known for being stubbornly obtuse.  Like for example, the guy who couldn’t pronounce “Triumph”.  I knew very well what band he was looking for, but he kept saying, “Tramp”.  He didn’t know how to spell it either.  Just the very idea that he couldn’t spell nor pronounce the word “triumph”…how could I not have fun with that guy?  I eventually sold him The Sport of Kings, when I felt like he’d earned it. 

Spelling was an issue in this part of town.  We had a lookup terminal where you could search for inventory on your own.  The best question I ever got at that terminal was, “Mike, how do you spell ‘metal’?  I don’t spell so good.”

In short, stuff grinds your gears just like it does at anybody’s job.  There are times when you saw a number on call display and just did not want to answer.  Just like any job.  Annoying callers, annoying customers, lazy customers who made you do absolutely everything for them, including pick what they want to buy!

You had sales quotas just like any day job.  You had responsibilities to get done.  If they weren’t done, you can’t just say “we were really busy” if your sales numbers weren’t big.   And you had to do things accurately.  In any environment where you buy and sell used goods, you had to be sure of what you were buying and what you were paying for it.  This is made just as difficult in a music store as anywhere else, due to the multiple versions, reissues, special editions, and imports of a CD that determine just what it’s worth.  You could go from offering $2 to $20 for a single album, the exact same title, just a different version thereof.

Same album different versions, and none of these are even the standard version. How would you price them?

And customers really hated being told their discs were “too scratched to re-sell.”  They really hated that one.

You got to listen to tunes all day, that was true.  That is something that I thankfully still do today, thanks to the radio.  I actually prefer the radio to choosing store play discs.  You were so tightly constrained by various rules, which narrowed the scope.  I actually loathed picking store play discs.  If I was working to someone else, I often just said, “You pick, I’ll pick something later.”

Lo and behold, I still have a copy of the store play rules!  I’m a packrat.  I keep everything.

  • Forbidden bands list:  Kiss, Rush, Frank Zappa, Spinal Tap, Dio, Judas Priest
  • Nothing heavier than Metallica’s “black” album
  • No musicals, no classical, no instrumental
  • Must play one new release in every shift
  • Must play 5 discs in shuffle mode, must never play album all the way through except in specific promotional cases
  • Each of the 5 discs must be a different genre
  • No songs with swearing
  • No rap
  • No comedy
  • Could only play discs that were in stock for sale instore

Jazz, soul, indy, and oldies were encouraged.  Hard rock was especially discouraged. 

Of course we broke the rules. If I knew there was no chance of getting caught, I’d bring in my own discs from home all the time.  The best shift I ever had, I played all 5 discs of the Kiss box set, in a row!  I played lots of shit with swearing, all the time.  It wasn’t intentional of course, it’s just that sometimes a great album has swearing on it, and I like to listen to great albums.  Sinatra at the Sands, for example.

We sold Sinatra at the Sands in minutes, by the way…by playing it instore.

I played Dio all the time when I could get away with it, even though he was strictly off limits. 

I remember Tom walking in, during Holy Diver. 

“Wow.  That’s ballsy man,” he said.

I played Spinal Tap once, but one of my buddies got written up for doing the same thing.  Seriously.  That time I was playing Spinal Tap, there was this guy seriously rocking out to it.  He didn’t look like a fan though.  He walked up to me and said, “Sounds like you got some Sons of Freedom going on here!”  Oops!

And I played heavy stuff too.  I know I played Maiden in the store, any night I could.  (Astute readers will recall that Maiden is where we started.  Go back to Part 1 if you haven’t.)  I remember two little kids laughing at Bruce Dickinson’s shrieking during a live take of “Fear of the Dark”.  But, I also remember lots of cool kids in Kiss shirts, buying their first rock albums, and it was cool corrupting those kids.

So what did I have to complain about?  Well, I only played those albums when I could get away with it.  Which wasn’t often.  There was usually someone  in there store who could give you shit for it.

So you’d have to put up with the following:  Much Dance xx, Big Shiny Tunes, TLC, Christmas music all day while seasonal, Dave Matthews band, Linkin Park, plenty of new country, and whatever was the flavour of the month at the time.  There’s a reason I know entire albums inside and out by shitty band like The Dandy fucking Warhols.  I could tell you every fucking song on the first two Coldplay CDs.  I had the unfortunate fate of having to listen to the self titled album by Blur every fucking day for a month.  There are bands that I legitimately like, such as Oasis and Kula Shaker, that I rarely play at home anymore because I have heard them so many Goddamn times.  It sucks when you can’t stand music you actually like.

The record store will do that if you spend too many years there, and I spent too many years there.  Gratefully, I love music again.

The worst thing about the record store though were the cliques, and from what I’ve heard, many record store were like this.  You either fit in or you didn’t, and I definitely did not fit in.   They were all into the latest indy rock bands, and all wore sunglasses.   I’ve never been a sunglasses kind of guy.  Indoors, I think they’re just pretentious.  I tried, oh but I did try.  I went to their shitty bars and drank and pretended to have a good time, but I just couldn’t pretend that I liked the Dandy fucking Warhols.

But, if I didn’t experience all that, I guess I wouldn’t be LeBrain!

REVIEW: Gene Simmons – Asshole (2004)

GENE SIMMONS – Asshole (2004 EMI)

 This unfortunately titled album is easily the worst music that Gene has ever put his name on, and that’s saying something. Sprinkled within are some good ideas hither and yon, but by and large this is pretty much shite.

Have you seen the album cover?  Am I the only one who thinks that Gene bears an unsightly resemblance to Danny DeVito’s character from Big Fish?

If Asshole wasn’t choked down in production, it might have had a couple listenable songs.  “Sweet & Dirty Love” would be a killer opener. I believe this one is a Kiss reject. It sounds like it probably was, being one of the few rock songs on the album. “Firestarter” is a horrible, horrible cover, and the unfortunate first single. I have no idea why Gene thought it was a good idea to cover a Prodigy song, but this is also the same guy who covered “When You Wish Upon A Star”. Dave Navarro — lead guitar. (Who cares?)

“Weapons Of Mass Destruction” and “Waiting For The Morning Light” are both Kiss rejects. “Morning Light” as a ballad rejected from the Revenge album, co-written by Bob Dylan. (Not the lyrics though.) It’s nothing special, and that’s why it didn’t make the Revenge album, I guess.

“Beautiful” is non-descript and not memorable in any way. The title track “Asshole” is a catchy song, albeit a total novelty that only makes my road CDs today because it is somewhat funny. It’s a cover too, by the way.  (“Bucket full of pee”?  Seriously?  That’s a lyric?)

Bob Kulick (longtime Kiss collaborator since the early days) co-wrote “Now That You’re Gone”, another song that fails to stick in the memory. I couldn’t even tell you how it goes anymore.  Better is “Whatever Turns You On”, with its catchy sing-along chorus. Unfortunately, this pop song sounds like…God, like Sugar Ray or somebody from the 90’s that we’d rather forget.

“Dog”, co-written by somebody named Bag (a Simmons Records protege I think) is another unremarkable track. I couldn’t hum it for you if you held a knife to my neck. “Black Tongue”, however is remarkable. It is remarkable because it is, somehow, a lost Frank Zappa tape that Gene resurrected and wrote a song around. That’s Frank on guitar. The Zappa family sang on it. Now, I have no idea what the hell Gene had to do with Frank Zappa. I really know of no history there.  They are diametrically opposed musically. I love Frank. It’s great that Gene found a way to get some Frank music out there, but weird that it’s in such a contrived manner. Frank’s guitar is, of course, like butter.

“Carnival Of Souls” is another Kiss reject. It was written I believe for Revenge, considered as a bonus track for Alive III, rejected for the Carnival Of Souls album (though it lent its name to it) and rejected again for Psycho Circus. Four times rejected: Gene, take the hint! It’s because the song kinda sucks!  Its chorus jars awkwardly against the rest of the song, sounding like a different animal completely.

“If I Had A Gun” is another novelty song, but probably the best song on the whole album. It’s catchy, it’s fun, but again it sounds like some 90’s band that we’d all rather forget. Len, maybe.  Name a band, fill in the blank, I’m sure you can figure out a band that this sounds like. “1,000 Dreams” is this album’s “When You Wish Upon A Star”, just pure drivel, garbage, not worth playing.

And that’s the album. There’s also a clean version with no swearing, but what’s the point?

1.5/5 stars

REVIEW: Van Halen – A Different Kind of Truth

VAN HALEN – A Different Kind of Truth (2012)

I’ve read every word printed between the year 2000 and now that was available about the new Van Halen album with DLR. I’ve been waiting patiently. The band tried once a decade ago and never got off the launch pad. Then Sammy came back. Then Sammy left. Then Mike was fired, and Wolfie was in.

And lemme tell you folks, Wolfie can PLAY. No offense to Mikey, the original, but Wolfie plays circles around him. And not only that, his chemistry with his dad (and uncle too) is infectious. Never before have you heard syncopated unison bass and guitar runs on a Van Halen album, not like this.

The star of the show is Edward Van Halen. I wanted to hear an album that made me say “Holy shit, how the hell did he do that?” And that’s what I said when I first heard “China Town” a couple weeks before the album came out.

The whole album is like that. Eddie is riffing, flying into a quick lick that sounds impossible, then back to the riff. Just like the old days. The album is largely (but not completely) based on unused Van Halen songs from the early 70’s and 80’s such as “Down In Flames” and “Ripley”. Now dubbed with new lyrics and titles (all but the smokin’ “She’s The Woman”), the band has sewn new life into these amazing tracks. With Wolfie’s pulsing bass, Ed’s impossible guitar, and Alex driving the whole thing, this who record smokes. Not one weak track.

Well, I know a lot of people didn’t like “Tattoo”. But fear not. New single it may be, but it’s far from the best track on this album. My faves include: “She’s The Woman”, “China Town”, “As Is”, and “Big River”. Still there are no songs that I would skip.

And Dave’s lyrics? Just as clever and cheaky as ever. While Dave waxes poetic on many songs, don’t expect him to suddenly want to deliver a message. Any messages about the state of the union (political or VH) have no place on A Different Kind Of Truth.

The acoustic DVD sucks, but Dave’s handwitten lyrics and drawings are awesome.

5/5 stars, ain’t talkin’ bout anything less

Part 9: Back to Toronto


Regardless of the Kiss concert experience, and swearing to never to return to Toronto, Trev and I were both back there two weeks later.  We hit all the record stores one Sunday afternoon, did the whole record store tour, and were back late afternoon.  Awesome day.

I came looking for Deep Purple, and Deep Purple I scored!  I picked up the 25th Anniversary Edition of Deep Purple In Rock, which is a gorgeous CD.  Coming in a delicate CD case with autographs etched into it, it must be handled and stored carefully.  Mine is still pristine despite it being one of the greatest rock albums of all time.  I simply keep it in a plastic sleeve on my shelf, and never let the case itself leave the house.  I can put the CD into another case for transportation, or listen to it in mp3 format.

Yeah, I’m obsessive, but you break that case on me and you die.  They don’t make that sucker anymore!

I also snapped up the accompanying single for “Black Night”, which was numbered and came with two bonus Roger Glover remixes that did not make the 25th Anniversary album.  I can’t recall picking up anything else, but I’m sure I did.  Trev and I, we didn’t do record store shopping small. If we went down there specifically for an $80 Japanese import, we wouldn’t leave without it.  And yeah, we did pay $80 for a Japanese import when we wanted it badly enough.  Often, it might have been just for one or two songs.

Appropriately, I was wearing my Deep Purple Machine Head T-shirt.  I’ll never forget this detail. 

The same homeless man that helpfully told us that the solution to our transmission problem was to “pack that sucker full of grease” was back in the same place.  As we passed him, he asked for some change, and commented, “Right on, awesome album, man!”

Gotta give the guy credit for his taste in music, if not his skill with transmissions.

Part 8: You Wanted the Best

DISCLAIMER:  To properly get myself in the mood, I have Kiss Alive II on as I type. 

Some of the guilty parties

When Kiss announced their reunion tour in 1996, I knew I’d be going.  Obviously, there would be no question.  I’d never even seen Kiss before!  Original lineup for my first time?  Score! However just to be different from the crowd, I wore my Kiss Revenge shirt that day.

One of  Tom’s buddies that worked at Sunrise scored us the tickets.  The seats were decent, nothing special, we were way up, but it hardly mattered with the giant screens that Kiss had started to use.  Transportation was also included, for a few bucks of gas money, this same buddy of  Tom’s was driving us in his 1988 Shitmobile.

I remember it was a Wednesday night, but I don’t remember the opening act.  We missed them, thanks to Tom.

Anyway, I’m getting ahead of myself. I remember in the stop-and-go of the 401, we got rear-ended.  Tom’s bud got out, looked at his car, gave the thumbs up to the other driver, and we were back on our merry way.  The only reason I remember this now is because with hindsight, it was an omen.

We got to Toronto, and we had to check out the record stores before the show as well.  I wish I could remember what I bought that night but I want to say it was the the Japanese import version of Quaternary, by Motley Crue.

The rest of us were done long before Tom (please see back to Part 6, Re: Tom’s record shopping habits) and we were waiting, and waiting…

“I just have to check blues.”

…and waiting and…

“Almost done, just need to see if they have that Louis Armstrong that I need.”

…waiting and waiting…

“They didn’t have Louie.  But they did have a pretty awesome live Coltrane I’ve never seen before!  OK, country…I swear I’ll be quick.”

We entered the venew to the strains of “King of the Night Time World”, which of course meant we had already missed “Detroit Rock City!”  Fucking Tom!

On the bright side, I was being rocked by Kiss, in the flesh!  Four giant inflatable Kiss statues adorned the arena.  The pyro was so hot we culd feel it where we were, in the nosebleeds.

Paul flew to his platform in the middle of the floor for “Love Gun”.  Gene spat blood, breathed fire, and flew during “God of Thunder”.  Peter elevated during his solo spot.  Ace fired fireballs out of his guitar during his.

The setlist was pretty pedestrian, which is pretty much the only negative thing I have to say about the reunion-era Kiss.  They played nothing outside of the first 6  studio albums (Kiss to Love Gun).  They did play two “Kisco” songs overseas, but here we only got the basics.  It was obvious that, as fans, we’d get no rarely heard original lineup tunes such as “Rocket Ride” or “Mainline”.

However, we were rocked deaf.  We exited the venue into the still warm June air.  It was 11:30.

Tom’s buddy parked a fair hike away, so he was going to go get the car while we waited.  Fair enough.  Record stores were still open in downtown Toronto, so we hit  Tower.

I was disappointed in Tower, we were hearing they were the next big store that was going to put us all out of business, but they never did.  Tom bought some obscure country (Jerry Jeff Walker, perhaps?) and we waited for buddy.

And we waited.

And we waited.

Half an hour.  45 minutes.  An hour.  Something’s not right.  Something’s…fucky.   None of us carried cell phones back then.

Suddenly I noticed buddy walking towards us.

Walking. This ain’t good.

“The transmission’s fucked,” he helpfully informed us.

I was opening the store at 10:00 the following morning, by the way.

Now, the rest of the night is a blur of misadventures jumbled in my memory.  What I don’t remember is why we didn’t just call a cab or two so we could all just get home, while buddy called a tow truck?  I guess my buddies were all just broke.  Yet, I had a credit card!

Now, I do remember raising this issue.  I offered to pay for everybody to get home.  I know I raised that .  I can’t explain why we didn’t do that.  I also can’t explain why I didn’t just tell them all to take the first boat to Fuckoffity Land while I called a cab for myself. I remember the following events, although I cannot put them in precise sequential order, it went something like this:

  • Stopping at a Subway because we were starving, but they had no bread!

  • Finding out that a limo to Kitchener would be cheaper than a cab to Kitchener.  Again, I recall mentioning that I have a credit card!

  • Stopping at a sidewalk cafe for drinks and paying something like $20 for a glass of Coke.

  • Some homeless guy helpfully telling us the the solution to the transmission problem is to “pack that sucker full of grease!”  Where to get the grease approaching 1:00 am on a Thursday morning, we never found out.

  • Calling my sister from a pay phone, to tell her not to worry that I wasn’t home yet.  (My parents were on a vacation and it was just us in the house.)

  • Going to buddy’s car, which was parked in a really shitty parking lot on some shitty side street.  Sitting on top of buddy’s car were three dudes eating pizza.

These three dudes were piss-loaded.   It wasn’t that they were up to no good, they were just loaded.  We asked them to please get off the car, they obliged, and they argued amongst themselves.  I do remember one striking detail, which was they all called each other.  It was a racial slur, I won’t repeat it here, but it starts with a “p” and refers to a country in Asia that used to be a part of India.  Anyway, that’s what they kept calling each other as they argued.

“You’re wrong, P****!”

“No, YOU’RE wrong, P****!”

I remember one of the guys trying to tell us he knew a way for us to each make a million dollars a year.  They were annoying as hell, and they tried to get us into their argument, whatever it was.  They fucked off eventually.

The plan now was, buddy had called both a tow truck, and his sister.  He would ride home with the tow truck.  The rest of us would ride home with his sister.

His sister was a saint.  She was at the same Kiss concert as us.  She had just gotten back home to Kitchener when the phone rang.  She came back to Toronto to get us, and back to Kitchener, dropping each of us off at our houses.  A fucking saint.

I think I rolled in at around 4:00 am.  I remember lying in bed, ears still ringing, room getting brighter from the rising sun.

I had to open the store at 10:00.

I never went anywhere with Tom’s buddy ever again.