The Northern Lights: A Doctor in the House Part I

THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS – Phase 3 – The Unicron Saga

Chapter Nine:  A Doctor in the House Part I

“Gentlemen, I’ve called you with the most urgent of missions.  We must act with haste.  The fate of the world is at stake…again.”  Tim Durling, head of the Durling Foundation, was not kidding around this time.

“Again?  Merde, I feel like all we do is save the world!” cried Jex Rambo via video call.

“You can say that again!” agreed Mike, the Brainiac II.

“Merde, I feel like all we do is save the world!” repeated Jex Rambo.

“Easy Jex,” calmed Mr. Durling.  “I haven’t even told you the mission yet.”

On the call were a spate of the Northern Lights’ highest ranking members.  Its leader, Tim Durling, was front and center.  The lines on his face spoke of sleepless nights and stone-cold serious days.  He has clearly been burning the midnight oil.

Surrounding his window were the trusted Northern Lights high command:  the long-haired Harrison Holden, also known as El Moustachio from across the world in Australia.  His ally Ripper the Squirrel must have been scuttling about the floor somewhere, for he was not perched upon Harrison’s shoulder as normal.   Behind him: his beloved portraits of Disney’s Stitch, and Iron Maiden’s Maiden Japan.

From Northern Lights Kincardine HQ were an unlikely quartet, gathered together by their last mission to Georgia via Kincardine habour. Mike, the “Brainiac II” and Specialist Jen were front and center, flanked by Robert Daniels the King of Sharks, and Max the Swinging Axe.  He was, of course, a big deal.  He was hanging around to assist Rob on his next mission: salvaging his ship the HMS Visions In Sound from the bottom of the Atlantic.  He had a priceless soundtracks collection aboard her, fortunately sealed in vaults when the ship went down.

From the UK came the 80s Metal Man (also a Michael), rarely seen on these calls as he was usually quite occupied on his side of the world.  He had a wise, teacher-like appearance.  He wore a suit jacket and tie.

Jex Rambo, shirtless as usual, was coming through from Owen Sound, Ontario.  He was stationed there at Aaron’s Archive, and had set up a mini-gym in the basement, from which he was broadcasting.  Mr. Aaron Books was upstairs in another room, broadcasting from his own office.

The Snowman was in attendance, recently cleared of suspicions that he was a spy on behalf of Unicron the Planet Eater, loud and clear all the way from the Stone Mountains in Georgia.  His internet had just been reconnected, this time with a reliable company and not an affiliate of the Decepticons.

The Nothern Lights newest member, Johnny Homework was there on this his first call.  By his side was his trusty protocol droid R0-GR, calling in from Alabama.  Johnny’s hair has been growing quite luxurious.  Meanwhile, the red-bearded droid R0-GR sat silent in his gold skin – his usually loud voice being necessarily muted for this call.

Only absent from this meeting was Bernard the Knight (who hadn’t even mastered 18th century technology yet, let alone the 21st), and the mysterious Night Ranger.  Supposedly off on a mission.

Supposedly.

“Metal Man, why don’t you take it from here?” motioned Durling.

“Very well,” answered the Metal Man.  “As you know, my jurisdiction is monitoring other planes of reality, such as Rock and Roll Heaven.  I am also charged with temporal affairs.  I have noticed slight changes, and indications that someone has been messing with time.”

“Slight changes?” asked Rob, the King of Sharks.  “Such as?”

“This one is minor, but more are coming.  Tell me, can you remember who Iron Maiden’s mascot is?”

Mike jumped up.  He and Harrison were big fans.  “Of course!  Iron Maiden’s mascots are Khn and Klek de Poitrine, the alien duo!  They’ve been on every album cover since the debut, and their appearance on Powerslave was legendary!”

Harrison pointed at an album hanging on his wall.  “There’s Klek de Poitrine right there on the cover of Maiden Japan.  The classic image of him with his samurai sword.”  Easy question.  What was the Metal Man getting at?

“WRONG!” answered the Metal Man.  “Iron Maiden’s mascot should be a living corpse named Eddie.  Eddie the Head, as illustrated by Derek Riggs.”

“Who?” asked Tim Durling.  “Never heard of him.”

“Exactly!  Derek Riggs has been erased from history!  According to newspapers from the era, he was murdered in 1977 and they never found the killer.  Therefore, he would never paint the Eddie that would become the first Maiden cover.  Angine de Poitrine modeled for a different painter instead.  Now here is another question.  Who replaced Ozzy Osbourne in Black Sabbath in 1977?  Clue – it’s not Dio.”

“I got this one!” said Johnny Homework.  “Rod Evans from Deep Purple.”  Johnny was absolutely certain of the facts regarding this obscure lineup change.  “Rod was only in the band for long enough to do one TV appearance, a rendition of a new song called ‘Junior’s Eyes'”.  Johnny crossed his arms in confidence.

“Wrong again!” answered the Metal Man.  “Ozzy was initially replaced by Dave Walker, of Savoy Brown and Fleetwood Mac.”

“Impossible,” interrupted Durling.  He shook his head to make his point.  “I wrote a book on Fleetwood Mac.  I would know.”

“Yes you would, if someone didn’t change history.  Dave Walker disappeared in 1977, never to be found.  But it should not have been that way.  Dave Walker recorded an early version of ‘Junior’s Eyes’ for television.  Or, he should have if he didn’t disappear.”  Metal Man switched his display to a timeline chart, and continued to speak.  “Gentlemen, someone has gone back in time to 1977 and is changing rock history.  We’ve seen something like this before, so we know we can undo it!  It is your job to go back in time and stop the killer, or killers, from doing this.”

“There’s more,” added Durling.  “Your secondary mission is to find out who is behind this, and why.  However, your primary mission remains your top priority.  Prevent the killings.  Restore history.”  He was firm.

There was a grave understanding on the group call.  Then, the stoic Harrison spoke.  “I suppose I’d better get reading the logs of our original adventures and review how time travel works.  It was complicated,” he sighed.

“Not anymore!” answered the Metal Man.  “Here in England, we have certain contacts that you do not have.  Gentlemen, please meet my newest friend.”  He paused for dramatic effect.

Suddenly, at Northern Lights HQ in Kincardine Ontario, a groaning sound was heard.  A light began to flash in the center of the room of the old cottage.  Mike, Jen, Rob and Max turned and stared as a blue telephone box faded into existence in the middle of the room.  All of this was captured via webcam and broadcast to the others.  The Metal Man smiled smugly behind his camera, while everyone else’s jaws dropped to the floor.

“Putain de merde!” cried Jex.  “I know that telephone box!”

“Technically a police box,” corrected Metal Man.

There was steam in the room, clouding the view of the legendary TARDIS.  With a crack of light, the door opened.  Out stepped a tall, skinny older man with curly white hair atop a long face, aged with wisdom.  Wearing black sunglasses and a red guitar, the older man smiled.  Mike, Jen, Rob and Max all stood and stared at their guest that had suddenly appeared in their living room.  Everyone was dumbstruck.

“Well?” said the older man, breaking the silence in a Scottish accent.  “Aren’t y’going t’say anythin’?”

It was Rob who spoke first.  “It’s you!  The Doctor!”

“The Twelfth Doctor, to be precise!” answered the man, the spitting image of an actor named Peter Capaldi.  But that was surely coincidence.  Only the Snowman seemed to not know who had just arrived.

“Doctor?  Who?” he asked.

“Precisely!” answered the Doctor.

“Woah!” said Max the Axe.  “What’s in the box, Doc?”

The Doctor removed his sunglasses.  He stepped directly in front of Max.  His bulging eyes were framed by eyebrows like old grey caterpillars.

“You want to know what’s in that box? I’ll tell you what’s in that box! It’s a time machine! It also travels in space! And it usually contains a man who just wants to get on with his work of preventing the end of the world — but keeps on getting interrupted by boring little humans!

“Now if you will, I’m a busy man, and I’d like t’get on wit’it.  You!”  He pointed at Mike.  “Get in.  The rest of you, I’ll have him back by supper time.  I’d like a hot tea when I return.  You do have tea here, don’t you?  Of course you do, you’re not savages.  Now, come on!” he gestured.  “Get in!  We have to go pick up your Australian friend.  And, we’re going to need to pick up that guy too.”  He pointed right at Johnny Homework on the screen.  “You sir, with the nice hair.  Suit up!”  Johnny made a “who, me?” gesture, but the Doctor wasn’t wasting time to clarify.

“C’mon, don’t you know you have a world to save?  Are you waitin’ fer a custom invitation?  Pick up your jaws and go!”

“It really is bigger on the inside,” marveled Harrison.  Ripper the Squirrel stood upon his shoulder.  The little fellow just wanted to run and run and run through the infinite catwalks and corridors of this time machine, but he was wary of the grumpy old man in the black coat.  After all, he had never seen an episode of the TV show chronicling the adventures of the legendary Doctor.

“I reckon it’s bigger in here than the stadium in Atlanta where I saw Metallica!” marveled Johnny Homework.

“I’ve dreamed of this place since I was a kid,” said Mike.

The team were in place.  Mike, Harrison, Ripper, and Johnny were the companions of Number Twelve.  The Doctor.  Who?  Just the Doctor.  A Time Lord, from Gallifrey, with a time travelling machine called the TARDIS:  Time and Relative Dimensions in Space.  An actual time machine.  The Doctor was working the controls, but seemed frustrated.

“Blast,” he exclaimed, apparently not aware that he said it aloud.

“Is everything going smooth over there Doc?” asked Johnny.

“Nae bother,” answered the Doctor.  Then he turned and gave them all a big toothy smile.  “How’d you boys like a little detour first?”

“Detour?  I thought you said we had to hurry?” asked Mike.

“Nae, nae,” answered the Doctor.  “I said I was in hurry.  This is a time machine, boy!”

“I’m 54,” answered Mike.

“And I’m 4.5 trillion years old,” said the Doctor.  “Or 1000.  Depends on who y’ask, but that’s not important.  Aaanyway, this is what’s happened.  The TARDIS, y’know, she’s a little eccentric and she blew a temporal fuse.  We’re slightly off course, so we’re goin’ te land somewhere safe until she can regrow the fuse.”

“OK, but where…or when are we?”

The Doctor did that cagey smile again.  “Well that’s the thing isn’t it?  Without the temporal fuse, ye can’t tell time, can ye?”

“I wouldn’t know,” answered Mike.  “I guess you can’t?”

“Of course you can’t my boy!”  The Doctor stepped closer in dramatic fashion, the tails of his black coat falling behind.  His angry Scottish attack eyebrows were shockingly close to the Brainiac’s face.   “So we’re going to do it the old fashioned way.  We open the door and look outside!”

A thud was felt as the TARDIS set down on ground, somewhere and somewhen.  The Doctor smiled in false confidence and sauntered to the time machine door.

Outside, they were on the edge of a cliff over a lush, green valley.  The Doctor grinned and gestured to the door.  “Told you,” he said.  “It’s Earth.  And by the smell and taste, I’d guess we’re somewhere in North America.  First century AD.  Shortly after the birth of Christ.”  He raised his finger in the air.  “Tuesday.”

His analysis was interrupted by a great roar.  A roar unlike anything these men had ever heard before.  A Time Lord though?  The Doctor was well familiar with that roar.  He smiled again, trying to project confidence.

“OK, I’m off by a few million years give or take, but I still say it is a Tuesday.  It tastes like Tuesday.”

“What is that?” cried Johnny Homework.

“That my good boy is a Tyrannosaurus rex, female if I had to guess,” answered the Doctor.

“Close the door!!” yelled Johnny Homework.

“Right,” said the Doctor.  “So, this places us exactly 69 to 66 million years ago.”

“That’s not exact,” said Mike with growing anxiety.  The Doctor ignored him.

“So listen up,” continued the Doctor.  “We just need to to wait a wee bit while the TARDIS regrows the temporal fuse.  Now, you seem like some serious music men.”  His bulging eyes looked the group up and down, one by one.  “Let’s have a jam, if any of you play.  I have some guitars…”

Johnny stood up, “Sure, I could jam, why not?  It’ll relieve the stress.”  The Doctor handed him a jagged guitar, white and black.  It resembled something that Canadian guitar journeyman Sean Kelly would have played.  Johnny admired it a moment.

Harrison sat next to the Doctor for an optimal view.  The Doctor and the Student strapped their axes on.  Then, the Doctor started.  “Key of E,” he said.  “Follow me.”

And so the Doctor and Johnny made beautiful music together, weaving blues chords over light dreamy melodies.  It was quite something to see.  Mike danced like nobody was watching, while Harrison just sat and enjoyed.  A rare smile approached his lips.

Meanwhile, while his shipmates were lost in the music, Ripper took the time to explore the TARDIS.  Of all the crew, Ripper was the only one who did not understand the existential circumstances they were in.  He heard the roar, but didn’t fear it.  He did fear and trust this strange Doctor, and was intensely curious about the green scenery he had seen through the door.  With little trepidation, Ripper decided to explore outside as well as in.

Opening the door a crack, Ripper stepped outside and sniffed the oxygen-rich air.  The sun was brilliant and high in the sky.  The moon was visible too, and larger than he remembered.  Ripper would not understand that in 66 to 69 million years from now, the moon’s orbit would drift slightly further away.  The air here was pristine, like nothing he had ever smelled before.  With tentative steps, Ripper sniffed the ground and explored the perimeter of the TARDIS.  In the distance he spied tall mountains, and even a distant roaring volcano.  There were deep valleys, rolling streams, and not a single human in sight.  It was so strange and wondrous.

Out of the corner of his eye, Ripper spied movement.  A small brown creature approached from the leaves.  It looked like a squirrel, but it was not.  Scientists of the 21st century would call it Purgatorius, the first primate.  Laymen would mistake her for a squirrel or perhaps a chipmunk, but as the first primate, inside her genes lay not just the entire future of mankind but also every ape, chimpanzee and gorilla that ever lived.  In a very real sense, this small creature now frolicking with Ripper was Eve.  Yes, Eve, to every primate yet to be born: Purgatorius Prime.

“Squee squee?” queried Ripper in curiosity.

“Squor-quor!” answered Purgatorius Prime.

Having made friends, the two ran circles around each other in playful chase.  Meanwhile, inside the TARDIS, the sound of a great jam session was reaching its apex of melodic drama.  Johnny Homework dug deep into the fretboard, bending the strings hard, while the Doctor grinned in great approval.  Ripper’s ears perked up.  He didn’t want to miss this!

“Squee squee?” invited Ripper, as he gestured inside the door.

“Squor-quor!” answered Purgatorius in agreement.  The pair ran inside, and the door shut behind them.

Johnny Homework strummed some final chords as the Doctor played an outro lick.  Mike and Harrison cheered in approval.  Ripper and Purgatorius ran into another room, unnoticed by the others, in playful excitement.

“Well done Johnny!” applauded the Doctor, removing his black sunglasses.  “We’ll make a rock star of you yet.  Now!  Let’s check on that temporal fuse.”

The Doctor walked to the center console and looked under.  “Almost half way there,” he shouted from underneath.  “We’ll be underway in an hour…maybe two.”

Harrison stood to stretch.  “Has anyone seen Ripper?” he asked.

“Not recently,” answered Mike.  “He went off to explore the TARDIS.”

“OK, good,” said a reassured Harrison.

“Hey Doctor, I have a question,” said Mike.  “If you don’t mind.  If you’ve been real this whole time, how come you never helped us in the past?  Like when we were battling the forces of Satan, or when I…” he paused.  “When I died.  Or when there are wars?  How come?”

“A fair question my boy,” answered the Doctor as he took a seat.  “And the answer is, who says I didn’t?  And, who says time isn’t unfolding exactly as it always has?”  He smiled as reassuring a smile as he could muster.  “I’m a Time Lord.  I’ve never claimed to be God.  Just a madman, with a box.  I’ve run across the universe and dimensions you cannot even picture in your most vivid of dreams.  One of the trillions of trinkets of wisdom I’ve picked up along the way is this:  Trust people to find their own way.  Humanity is a wreckless, warlike, sometimes filthy race…”  Mike looked shocked a moment, but the Doctor continued.  “…still as individuals, you continue to shine.  And that is why I have chosen Earth as my home, and not Gallifrey.  It’s certainly not the weather.  It’s the people.”  The Doctor laughed aloud.  “Have ye seen the weather in London?  You cannae see where you’re going half the time with the accursed fog six days a week.”

“I get it,” said Mike.  “Free will and all that stuff.  Humanity has lessons to learn, etcetera.”

“More than that,” smiled the Doctor.  “But so long as blood pumps through my two hearts, Earth will remain defended.”

“So we can count on you in our upcoming battle to save Earth from…”

The Doctor waved his hands and cut him off.  He grinned that grin, the prickly one you give when you’ve tired of talking.

“My boy, I think you’ve watched enough movies to know that I can’t tell you about your own future.”

Mike looked dejected, but knew when a line of questioning was at its end.  “Can’t you…can’t you just say something more reassuring?”

It was then that Harrison spoke up with his own particular Australian perspective.  He turned to Mike the Brainiac.  “I understand your pain.  We’ve all lost someone we love.  But, we do it his way.  The future may be ours.”

Mike nodded.  “That’s somewhat familiar for some reason.  OK.  I trust Harrison.  And he trusts you.  If he’s good, then I’m good too.”  Harrison nodded.  He was good.

A panel on the TARDIS beeped and the Doctor pulled his sonic screwdriver from a pocket.  He pointed it at a display, got a reading he liked, and clapped his hands.

“Right!  Everyone back to your seats, we’re off to the races again.  Setting year for…1977.  London, England.  Oxford street.”  The doctor manipulated his controls and pulled the levers.  The TARDIS groaned and disappeared in both space and time.

Where the TARDIS stood in the lush green, there was a clear, square depression in the ground.  A T. Rex roared in the distance, while a male Purgatorius nosed its way, sniffing the ground where the TARDIS had been, searching for, but not finding, his mate.  Adam had lost his Eve….

To be continued…

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS:  PHASE THREE – THE UNICRON SAGA

SPINOFFS AND SIDE QUESTS

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

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