The Cosmic Superheroes are a band out of North Carolina, and I have just received a copy of their new CD, Hell Yes Ma’am Sessions! Bluesy, rootsy rock and roll with boogie! I’m digging their sound. What caught my attention was that they covered “Peace Pipe” by Cry of Love, one of the greatest songs of the 1990s. They were also produced by John Custer, so you know the final result would sound good. And it does!
Check out the unboxing video below, and become familiar with the Cosmic Superheroes!
OZZY OSBOURNE – Patient Number 9 (2022 Epic)
It’s very easy to be cynical about any new Ozzy album since about Down To Earth and onwards. Corporate constructions. Special guest writers and performers. “Here Ozzy, sing these new songs we wrote for you.” Prior to that, it felt like Ozzy had a band, and that band took different directions on each album. Now Ozzy has Andrew Watt and a slate of big-namers. It’s been this way a while. This time the difference is, the process resulted in a pretty decent album. Sure it’s still Watt at the helm, with special guests in big letters on the back cover and front stick. Jeff Beck! Eric Clapton! Tony Iommi! Zakk Wylde! Of course without a real band, you don’t get that cohesive band sound, but what you do get ain’t bad indeed.
Each track (except for “Darkside Blues” which is either a new version or a new mix of the Japanese bonus track from Ordinary Man) has credits by Andrew Watt and professional songsmith Ali Tamposi. She’s more known for Kelly Clarkson, Nickelback, and a slew of Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus hits. She also co-wrote most of Ordinary Man so there’s a formula at work here. Other co-writers include Ryan Tedder, Duff McKagan, Chad Smith, Robert Trujillo, Tony Iommi, Chris Chaney, and the late great Taylor Hawkins.
Ozzy falls into his comic horror persona a bit too much. There was once a time when he was trying to shed that “crazy madman” image but he’s really leaned into it again for the last couple decades. As such the album opens with silly “insane asylum” sound effects that only delay us getting to the good stuff. The opening title track is over seven minutes long with that nonsense attached. It’s also one of the poorer of the new songs, overly formulaic and modern with robotic hooks. Jeff Beck’s unconventional and slippery solo work makes it worth a listen (Watt and Wylde play the rhythm and fills).
Things really get moving on track two, “Immortal” featuring Mike McCready of Pearl Jam and Duff on bass. Good riffing and grooving going on here, and the first memorable chorus. The Hawkins co-penned “Parasite” is another grooving highlight, featuring the Foo Fighter on drums. The chorus is really solid and just moves like a ‘Vette on the highway. That’s Zakk on lead guitar, but he’s instantly recognizable. Former Ozzy bassist and currently Metallicer Rob Trujillo on bass.
What’s really amazing is that with the help of Tony Iommi, this hodge-podge of creators managed to write a seriously Sabbathy dirge called “No Escape From Now”. You’d swear it’s Geezer Butler on bass, but it’s not. It’s actually Watt. It’s as Sabbathy, if not more so, than most of the 13 album. It feels a bit “token”, like, “Oh hey Sabbath fans, here’s a song with the riffs and time changes that you like.” Yet it’s one of the songs you’ll keep returning to, and probably for those reasons. Of note, this is the only song without Andrew Watt on rhythm guitar. It’s all Tony and only Tony which is the reason it feels heavy as a bloody brick.
In a throwback to Ozzmosis, “One of Those Days” with Eric Clapton really sounds a bit like “I Just Want You”. Clapton really adds a touch of class. One could imagine that the chorus will upset certain people with it’s refrain of “I don’t believe in Jesus”, but it is one hell of a chorus – pun intended. Unfortunately the ballad that follows, “A Thousand Shades”, is a throwaway, aside from the brilliant Jeff Beck guitar solo. One of the Hawkins co-penned tracks called “Mr. Darkness” takes a minute to get going, seemingly a song about fan letters that Ozzy once received. It and the next two songs all feature Zakk Wylde on guitar. Dull verses, but awesome chorus, with an awesome Sabbathy change towards the end. The only dumb part is the silly ending where Ozzy speaks, “You don’t even know my name you asshole.” Just…no.
“Nothing Feels Right” is another ballad, very Ozzmosis-y. Decent song, good chorus, with all the production bells and whistles. It really smokes during the solo section. Another Sabbathy sounding riff emerges on “Evil Shuffle” and it really seems clear that Andrew Watt is trying to channel Geezer Butler’s bass playing on this album. Not that it’s a bad thing. Then it’s the much-hyped “Degradation Rules” with Tony Iommi, a song about masturbation, but not as good as the prior Iommi song. The main hook here is Ozzy’s harmonica playing, a great throwback to “The Wizard”.
“Dead and Gone” is a deep cut highlight, with a latter-day Priest-like groove and lots of Zakk Wylde chunk. An album highlight buried way in the back end. Finally, “God Only Knows” is the last proper song, but unfortunately sort of a last gasp rather than a late highlight. Kind of a ballad, with lush backing vocals, but not a “Road to Nowhere” kind of late album winner.
The outro music, “Darkside Blues”, appears to be a remix of the original version from Ordinary Man‘s Japanese release. You can compare the waveforms below. It’s a swampy track with more of Ozzy’s harmonica, just a coda to the album.
It’s pretty amazing at this stage of the game that Ozzy is still cranking out new music, but of course he has a huge support team behind him. This time, the team produced an album better than the last one by a pretty fair margin. They could have cut two tracks and made it a more engaging and concise listen. It’s always a balancing act between giving the listener added value, or a streamlined experience. A minor quibble at the end of the day.
3.5/5 stars
LEGO Optimus Prime 10302 (2022)
After undergoing a pretty serious dental surgery, I needed something to keep my mind occupied. I chose Lego’s new 10302 Optimus Prime set, the first fully-transformable Lego figure that you can change without having to add or remove any parts (more on that in a bit). This set is geared to the 18 and up crowed, contains 1508 pieces, and costs $240 Canadian dollars. That’s a price per piece of 16 cents a brick, which is not too bad by today’s standards. Licensing costs money, we have to remember.
The set is broken up into 11 bags (two are numbered “5”) plus one bag for the tires, and a small sticker sheet. There are only five stickers: his knees/thighs, belt and front fender, and name plate for the display. The belt/fender piece is the only one that the instructions say to swap out for transformation. Most people just keep in the piece they like best. I chose to keep in the fender piece rather than the belt on my final display. The instructions also tell you to put on the knee/thigh stickers upside down. Fortunately it’s just a matter of flipping the piece. Every other detail in the set, such as the autobot logos, head details, and rims are all printed pieces. There are also some cool brick-built details such as a black arrow on the backpack.
The large instruction book takes you through the build bag by bag, with each bag corresponding to certain components such as chest, legs, or arms. Aside from some segments where all the parts are darkly coloured and hard to see, the instructions were easy to follow.
As much as the final toy is fun and hefty to handle, the true joy came in the building process. This was my first Lego build in 15 years, and there are many new parts and therefore new techniques as well. Studs on the sides, top and bottom. Interesting new curves and angles that were impossible before. Small details and technical pieces that didn’t exist before. Even a brand new faceplate, specifically designed for this set and since exported into other Lego lines.
You start simply, by sticking bricks on top of bricks. Before too long, something with the dimensions of Prime’s chest starts to emerge, complete with hinges that will enable the transformation later on. You can see where the arms will go, and you can see where other parts will attach, but it’s not even clear which side is front until you get a little further. There are plenty of smooth flat plates so that parts can move over each other, but also just for aesthetics. The final Prime has very few studs at the end of the build, and is mostly smooth and detailed.
As things come together at angles you thought were impossible, it’s actually quite a surprising and enjoyable process. Your mind is constantly at work, ensuring things are in place. There is very little tedium, as things are only repeated on the legs and arms, and only repeated once.
Prime is fairly solid, once you learn how to handle him and transform him. Fortunately if bits fall off, you can just snap them back on. Optimus is articulated at the head with a socket joint, at the shoulders with a full 360 degree rotation, and outward shoulder joint. You can also butterfly his shoulders backwards, using the transformation joint. His hips are fully articulated in and out, backwards and forwards. His knees will not bend due to the need to keep the figure stable, but they do swivel. His feet are also on a rocker joint so you can pose Prime with legs slightly spread, but feet still flat on the ground. He has hands with a swivelling wrist, plus thumb and mitten movement. You can modify the hands by removing one piece, to get all three fingers moving independently.
Optimus comes with a few accessories, which are built after the main figure. This part is total anti-climax and really should have come at the beginning, or middle, of the process. To come at the end is just not at all satisfying. But you get Prime’s matrix of leadership, which fits in his chest compartment via opening windshield. You get his excellent ion blaster, a really remarkable piece when you look at that stock and how the gray inner detail comes together. This piece attaches to his arm, while his hand appears to be holding the gun’s grip. You get one pink transparent energon cube that you will never use for anything, and a pretty clunky orange energy axe. This axe can be attached by removing either of Prime’s hands, and inserting a black technic bar into a ready-made hole. Finally, Optimus Prime comes with his name plate for display, and that extra belt/fender piece that you can swap out if you so choose.
Minor quibbles aside, Prime was an excellent way to spend two days of recovering from surgery. The final figure is large, heavy, and looks more like a toy. He is easy to transform and works very similarly to the original 1984 toy. His finish with printed details and silver bits looks quite high-end. And it should, for that price.
5/5 stars
By 80sMetalMan
CHAPTER EIGHT: TEE BONE & DEKE’S TIME TRAVELLING ADVENTURE
After their much needed vacations, Tee Bone Man and Superdekes returned fresh and ready for their next adventure. However, for five whole days, nothing happened which needed their skills, so they continued to kick back sipping whiskey and listen to great music. While neither of them would actually say so, they were both secretly hoping for another adventure.
Sometime in the afternoon, Superdekes answered the door bell which just happened to be the opening riffs to Rush’s “Limelight,” to a freckled boy who looked about twelve. “At least it wasn’t religious callers,” Superdekes thought to himself. Before he could ask the boy what he wanted, the boy did that for him. “I’m Tee Bone Man’s nephew, Cam. Is my uncle in?”
“Hey, Tee Bone, you have a visitor,” Superdekes called out very loudly. The whiskey might have played a part in that.
Within seconds, Tee Bone Man was at the door. “Oh yes, this is my sister’s son, Cameron or Cam for short.” As he studied his nephew, Tee-Bone Man could tell that something wasn’t right with him. “Come inside,” he ordered.
Once Cam was sat down, made comfortable, given a Twinkie and a glass of coke, Tee-Bone Man began his detective work. “I sense that there is something troubling you so out with it.”
“It’s my music teacher, Mr. Suplee,” Cam began. “He told us that heavy metal wasn’t relevant. That it’s just a genre listened to by a few misfits and weirdos. I told him about you two but he responded that it proved his point about weirdos. When I tried to argue back, he gave me a detention.”
“What for, disagreeing with him?” Tee Bone Man found himself nearly shouting in surprise. “Well, I’ll tell you what. We’re going into your school tomorrow and have a talk with this Mr. Suplee.”
True to their word, Tee Bone Man and Superdekes showed up at Wayne Gretzky Junior High School. Unchallenged, they went into the building and followed Cam’s directions to Mr. Suplee’s room. Mr. Suplee looked all the music teacher, with his bright blue suit and matching bow-tie. He was much shorter and thinner than imagined. Tee Bone Man realised that he could snap this teacher’s neck like a twig but decided to handle things more diplomatically.
“Mr. Suplee, I’m Cameron’s uncle. I’d like to talk to you about something which happened in your music class yesterday.”
The teacher looked at the pair and snarled, “What, he came to you because I said that heavy metal is irrelevant? Well, it is!”
“I’m not going to debate you about that right now, but you gave Cameron a detention for disagreeing with you.”
“No, I gave him a detention for being insolent,” Mr. Suplee spat. Then studying the pair up and down, added, “You must be Tee Bone Man and this must be Superdekes. I heard about your so-called heavy metal exploits. If I had my way, I’d go back in time and kill off all traces of that negative force you call music.”
“What, are you gonna build a time machine or something?” Tee Bone Man sneered.
“Or something,” the teacher returned. “Now, let me alone so I can teach children about proper music.”
Tee Bone Man was now wishing he could test his theory about snapping this fool’s spine. Superdekes could feel the anger building up in his friend, so he beckoned, “There is no point talking to this guy, let’s go.” With that, the two of them walked away but when they were far enough, Tee Bone Man pronounced, “What an asshole.” The teacher might not have heard it but those in the vicinity certainly did.
Thoughts about what an asshole Mr. Suplee was stayed on their minds as Tee Bone Man and Superdekes arrived back at their lair. “I need a whiskey,” Tee Bone Man decided. “I’ll make the whiskey, you go put on an album. Make it Black Sabbath, Paranoid.
With that, he headed for the kitchen. Taking out two large glasses, he filled them almost half-way with Jack Daniels. “We definitely need a strong one,” he said aloud. He filled the remainder of both glasses with water and was about to take the drinks to the living room when Superdekes came into the kitchen looking white as a ghost. “Our records and CDs, they’re all gone,” he stammered through his shock.
“What? You’re kidding!” Tee Bone Man exclaimed in amazement. Without further hesitation, he sped over to where the music collection was kept. The empty shelves confirmed what Superdekes had told him.
From behind, Superdekes questioned, “Could we have been robbed?”
“Impossible,” Tee Bone Man responded sternly, snapping his friend out of his shock. “No one can get into this lair, it’s impregnable.”
“Then what?”
Tee Bone Man scratched his head in deep thought for a moment. Superdekes watched as his friend’s expression suddenly changed. “Holy shit!” Tee Bone Man bellowed. “I think that Suplee asshole might have actually built a time machine and made good on his threat to wipe heavy metal from existence.”
“Oh God!” was all Superdekes could say.
“That can be the only answer,” Tee Bone Man affirmed and then ordered, “Get on the computer, we need to find out.”
Superdekes needed no further prompting as he went straight to the computer and switched it on. The minute it took for the computer to get up and running seemed like an hour but when it was ready, so was Superdekes.
“Do a Google search for Black Sabbath,” Tee Bone Man instructed.
The first hit on the search revealed the answer. According to Wikipedia, Black Sabbath was in the process of recording their first album when one morning, all four band members were found dead of a suspected drugs overdose. That’s what the police report said but the police probably didn’t seemed to bothered because Black Sabbath were considered a bunch of hippy druggies. “They were probably poisoned,” Superdekes indicated.
“Try Led Zeppelin next,” was Tee Bone Man’s next instruction, his anxiety levels rising sharply. Superdekes obeyed. Only this time, the Wikipedia article stated that the band was killed in a fireball explosion at Olympic Studios whilst recording their debut album. Further searches were conducted. Aerosmith was gunned down while playing at a bar in Massachusetts. Rush was killed when the brakes on their van failed causing to go off the road and down a mountain. Deep Purple were killed in a freak fire at their hotel. Alice Cooper was mysteriously shot but there was no mention of KISS. However, when Superdekes entered the real names of the members of KISS, they found that Paul Stanley was run over by a bus, Gene Simmons was killed in a car crash and Ace Frehley allegedly jumped from a 15th story window. However, there was no mention of Peter Criss. What all of the deaths had in common was that they all occurred when the band in question was making or going to make their debut albums.
Their fears had been confirmed. Mr. Suplee had gone back in time and wiped heavy metal from the existence of history. In fact, when Superdekes put heavy metal in a search engine, all that came up was a list of metals.
“We’re going have to find this time machine and go back in time and change history back,” Tee Bone Man stated once his anger was reduced enough.
As Superdekes nodded in agreement, a somewhat familiar voice called out from seemingly out of nowhere, “You won’t need a time machine. We can help.”
Turning around, they discovered that the voice belonged to none other than Ronnie James Dio and standing there with him was Lemmy, Jeff Hanneman and John Bonham.
It took a minute or two for the heroes to focus but when they finally managed to do so, Tee Bone Man asked, “Are you all real?”
“We’re not of flesh and bone,” Dio explained. “We are spirits. We have come down from Rock and Roll Heaven to aid you.”
“What, a rock and roll heaven?” Superdekes queried in surprise.
“Yes, there is a rock heaven, “John Bonham answered. “I thought you would have guessed it. That was what that 1974 song by the Righteous Brothers was all about.”
As both were taking in this information, Lemmy carried on, “We don’t have time to talk about this now. We need to be getting on so the two of you can save rock history. Satan himself came to me and told me about this man who has travelled back in time to destroy rock history by killing off all the influential bands. You must go back in time and stop him. Now, he may not be acting alone so you must be vigilant.”
“How did Satan get into Rock and Roll Heaven?” Superdekes suddenly asked.
“He’s allowed in when the situation calls for it,” Dio answered, “And right now, the situation calls for it. As for God, he won’t get directly involved but Satan knows hat he has God’s behind the scenes positive nod.”
“And to answer your big question, we all get to make music with Elvis, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison and any other dead musician you can name,” Lemmy piped in.
“I did sing a nice duet with Janis Joplin,” Dio smirked.
“And I got to play guitar with Lynyrd Skynyrd on “Freebird,” Jeff Hanneman added.
Getting back to the task, Tee Bone Man then asked, “One question, how can we go back in time without a time machine.”
Ronnie James Dio informed, “You must go to Stroud in England. There, you must seek out The Metalman. He’s the greatest rock historian of all time, he will help you. You must succeed, I’ve seen my alternative life and I ended up writing children’s songs.”
“And I ended up working in a fucking factory,” Lemmy spewed in disgust.
Jeff Hanneman suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out a guitar pick, handing it to Tee Bone Man. “Take this,” he stated plainly. “You will know what to do with it when the time comes.”
Before another question could be asked, the four personages disappeared. As Tee Bone Man was getting over the shock of the experience asking, “Wow, did that just happen?” Superdekes was already looking up The Metalman on the computer. The search didn’t reveal his actual name, but that wasn’t important. Besides, reading his history, Superdekes could see why the Metalman would want to remain anonymous. He was born in the US, growing up in New Jersey but in 1986, was forced to flee to Britain after an attempt on his life. While it couldn’t be proven, it was certain that it was an assassination attempt. Most likely by the PMRC and quite possibly sanctioned by Tipper Gore herself.
Meanwhile, Tee Bone Man stocked up on guns, ammo, explosives and other necessities for the mission to save metal. When all was gathered and loaded, Superdekes revved up his motorcycle and Tee-Bone Man took to the air and within moments, had sped across the Atlantic and were landing on Minchinhampton Common in Gloucestershire, England.
Tee Bone Man jumped onto the back of the bike and Superdekes headed off. The ride took them through some beautiful scenery of rural Gloucestershire but what was supposed to be a five minute ride took double the time. They were twice delayed, first by the cows grazing nearby who decided to cross the road in front of them. The second time, they had to wait for a truck to pull into a lane which was never meant for a vehicle that size. At least they got to see some of the countryside. But in spite of the delays, they arrived, Superdekes parking his bike across the road from the Metalman’s house.
While the area around might have been scenic, the house was located in the middle of a council estate. Several front gardens were in a good need of a mowing and one had car parts strewn all around. The pair noted that the Metalman’s home looked much better in comparison as they walked up to the front door.
Their knock was answered by a bald, spectacled man who looked to be in his mid-fifties and sported a greying beard. Observing the pair he stated, “You must be Tee-Bone Man and Superdekes, I’ve been expecting you.”
Tee Bone Man and Superdekes accepted the invitation to come in and followed their host into the living room. The host offered refreshments but the pair politely declined, Tee Bone Man stating the urgency of getting down to business. Once seated, Tee Bone Man inquired, “You say you were expecting us, did the spirits of Ronnie James Dio, Lemmy, Jeff Hanneman and John Bonham visit you too?”
“That’s who visited you?” The Metalman asked with slight surprise. “No, I was visited by Ronnie Van Zant, Randy Rhoads, Cliff Burton and A.J. Pero. They told me you would be coming and that I should do everything I can to help you. I too know about the someone going back in time and erasing heavy metal from music history, killing off all the founding fathers and main influences of metal. So, I will give you any assistance you need.”
“They’re killing ’em all!” Superdekes exclaimed.
“They’ve got a lot of them, but not all of them,” the Metalman affirmed. “One reason why our knowledge of metal history hasn’t been fully erased is because they didn’t get this one. Metalman went over to a cupboard and pulled out a record album, handing it to Tee Bone Man. The album he held was Hair of the Dog by Scottish rockers, Nazareth.
“What’s so special about this album, except that it totally kicks ass?” Tee Bone Man asked.
“Ronnie Van Zant told me that when they got together up in Rock Heaven to create heavy metal, this album was used as a blueprint,” The Metalman explained. “Most people don’t realize that.”
It took several seconds for the heroes to digest this information and then Tee Bone Man asked, “Do you know where we can get a time machine?”
“Won’t need one,” The Metalman returned. He slipped out of the living room and a minute later holding a guitar. “Randy Rhoads gave me this and said that you would have the pick to use it. He said that if you hit three particular chords and hold them for exactly the right amount of seconds, you will travel to a designated time and place.”
It suddenly clicked as to why Jeff Hanneman had given them the guitar pick. They needed to use both in order to time travel.
“Let’s try it!” Tee Bone Man suggested over-enthusiastically, eager to get on with the mission.
The Metalman pulled out a sheet of paper. “This list the chords you need and length of time you need to hold it in order to time travel. Let’s save Black Sabbath first,” he suggested. Looking at the paper he dictated, “Hit chord B for exactly 7.2 seconds, G for 5.7 seconds and finally D for 2.4 seconds and that will take you to London in 1969.”
Taking the pick, Tee-Bone Man struck the chords as Superdekes looked at his stopwatch. At exactly, 7.2 seconds, Tee-Bone Man changed chords and changed again when Superdekes gave the signal. Suddenly, The Metalman’s living room disappeared and the pair found themselves standing on a city street. A red double-decker bus going past told them they were in London and judging from the Ford Cortina which followed it and two young ladies in bright yellow mini-skirts, who happened to pass by, they guessed they were in 1969. A look at the date on a newspaper in a nearby shop confirmed they were indeed the in the correct time.
If it wasn’t for the urgency of the mission, the heroes would have taken in the sights of where and when they were as they walked the few streets to Regent Sound where Black Sabbath were recording their first album. They boldly strode through the front door and went right to the receptionist behind the desk where, Tee Bone Man confidently declared, “We’re here to see Black Sabbath.”
Unimpressed by his bravado, the pretty young lady replied in a strong Cockney accent, “They’re recording at the moment. You can’t wait here, you’ll have to wait outside.”
Tee Bone Man gave a quick, “okay,” then he and Superdekes left the studio. They tried to be inconspicuous as they waited for Black Sabbath to come out. However, they had to wait several hours, till it was nearly dusk, taking it in turns to buy fish and chips and take care of other necessities. Finally, the unmistakable voice of Ozzy Osbourne preceded him and the rest of the band out of front door. Resisting the temptation to go up and greet the band whom they beheld as gods, they watched them get into a taxi and head off.
“I’ll follow the taxi by flying overhead, you get another cab and try to follow. If you lose them, I will radio the address,” Tee Bone Man commanded.
At that moment, Superdekes wished he had brought his motorcycle back in time as it took him ten minutes to find a cab. Meanwhile, Tee Bone Man flew undetected above the cab Black Sabbath was riding in as it drove through Central London. A few minutes later, when the taxi stopped and the band got out, he landed about 20 yards away. Observing the area, he noted that the street was full of shops and that they must have lived in a flat above one of them.
Just then, a figure appeared out of the darkening evening. He was holding a bag. Tee Bone Man stealthily drew closer for a better look. “I know you guys, you’re Black Sabbath,” the figure’s male voice stated.
“Um, yeah, we are, you’ve heard of us?” Ozzy mumbled.
“Oh yeah, I’ve heard of you. Hey, I go some beer and marijuana. I thought maybe we could party,” the figure said invitingly.
“Um, yeah, that would be cool.”
Inching closer, Tee Bone Man was able to get a better look at this would-be fan. There was something not right about him. It wasn’t the teacher but most likely one of his minions. Putting his radio wrist watch to his lips, he whispered into the speaker, “Superdekes, we’re on Betterton Street, get here fast.” Emerging from the shadows, he approached Black Sabbath and this would-be fan. “How do you know Black Sabbath?” Tee Bone Man challenged.
“I saw them in a pub in London,” the fan answered.
“Oh really, which one?”
“Oh, I don’t remember the name,” the fan confessed.
Turning to the band, Tee Bone Man warned, “He’s not a fan, he’s been sent here to poison you.”
“What? That’s absurd!” the fan screamed. “Why would I want to harm Black Sabbath?”
“Because you know that their music will be a standard for many generations of fans. You’re here to stop them.”
“Ha!”
The headlights of the approaching taxi distracted everyone who was standing in the street. The all watched the lone figure get out, throw some cash at the driver and head towards them. Tee Bone Man knew who it was right away. “Superdekes, we need your test kit.”
“Oh, this is bullshit!” cried the fan. With that he suddenly pulled a knife and lunged at Tee Bone Man. Expecting this, Tee Bone Man dodged the lunge and whipped out a lariat and before the fan could make another move, he was on the ground tied up by the rope. Both Tee Bone Man and the subdued fan were distracted by the opening of a beer can. Both strained their necks to see Superdekes putting a test stick into it and pulling it out a few seconds later. A minute later, which seemed much longer, Superdekes shook his head, “It’s poisoned.”
“Why would anyone want to poison us?” Tony Iommi suddenly questioned.
“Because you are going to be a huge influence in a new genre of music called heavy metal,” Tee Bone Man explained. “Your music is going to inspire millions.”
“Millions?” Ozzy slurred.
As Tee Bone Man nodded, Superdekes asked, “What do we do with him?”
“We’ll take him back with us. We will destroy his time travel device and keep him locked up in our lair until we save all of the rock artists. He then motioned to his friend who reached into his ruck sack which held a lot more than one would have thought possible and bulled out a bag. “There you go,” Tee Bone Man said to the band. “In this bag is a bottle of whisky, a bottle of vodka, 12 cans of beer and some extra stuff. Now go and party and make a great album. I can’t wait to hear it.”
“Neither can we,” Geezer Butler joked.
The band watched as the pair pulled up their prisoner, then Tee Bone Man struck the appropriate chords for the appropriate length of time and then suddenly all of them disappeared. They didn’t hear Ozzy remark, “Wow, did that just happen man?”
Back at their lair, Tee Bone Man and Superdekes put the captive into a small room underneath the main lair. After a search, they found the captive’s time travel device, a small coin-like object on a chain around the man’s neck. As he locked it away, Superdekes stated, “Interesting device, I would like to study it.”
“We have no time for that now, we have more bands to save,” Tee Bone Man declared. Seeing Superdeke’s puzzled look, he explained further. “Here, look at this video feed from one of our security cameras at Deke’s Palace. The one in the record room. See? We’ve saved Black Sabbath and all of their albums are back in our collection but none of the others are there. It looks like we will have to save each band individually.”
“Great job saving Black Sabbath,” the Metalman congratulated as he let Tee Bone Man and Superdekes into his house. “But I’m afraid you’re right, you’re going to have to save each band one by one.”
“Is there any way we can take the motorcycle back in time with us?” Superdekes inquired.
“Oh sure, just be sitting on it when you hit the guitar chords.”
“Who should we save next?” Tee-Bone Man asked enthusiastically.
The Metalman advised, “From my calculations, it would be best to save Aerosmith next.”
“Then it’s off to save Aerosmith!”
With both heroes sitting on the bike. Tee Bone Man struck the A chord for exactly 2.3 seconds, and when Superdekes said, “change,” the E chord for 4.5 seconds and then the D chord for 0.25 seconds. With a flash, they disappeared back in time to 1969 in Massachusetts.
It only took a matter of seconds for the motorcycle to get to the White House Bar where Aerosmith would be playing that night. The bar was your typical American roadside bar. The pair thought nothing of it as Superdekes parked his motorcycle and they went inside.
“We could never get into a bar for a dollar in our time, “Tee Bone Man stated amused as they paid the cover charge and went inside. They ordered their beers and found a table near the stage. Initial observations revealed no one suspicious. However, their ears did prick up at a conversation at the next table.
“This band, Aerosmith, I hear they’re really good.”
“Oh, are you in for a surprise,” Tee Bone Man amusingly thought to himself as he and Superdekes scanned the bar-room Nearly fifteen minutes before Aerosmith was due to go on stage, there seemed to be no one who looked as if they were about to pull out a gun and shoot up the bar. Furthermore, there was no sound from Superdeke’s small, portable metal detector.
“God, I can remember them looking so young,” Tee Bone Man whispered to himself as the band took the stage. The pair recognised the opening number straight away. It was “Make It,” which was the opening song from what was going to be their debut album. It sounded raw but good, the band’s hunger was plain to hear. However, as much as they would have loved to soak up the experience of a youthful Aerosmith, they knew they had a job to do.
Suddenly, Superdeke’s metal detector began to beep. The pair followed the signal which increased as they neared a lone figure standing at the back of the small dance floor. “He’s about to let loose on everyone!” Superdekes exclaimed as the figure, who they could now tell was male, reached inside his coat.
Tee Bone Man let out a scream, “Get down!” as reached into his shirt pocket and it one motion tossed a smoke grenade at the figure’s feet. The sound of the explosion and the billowing smoke stunned not only the potential gunman but everyone else in the bar. Women started screaming and Aerosmith stopped playing. Then, those nearby heard a loud clank as the shock forced the gunman to drop his weapon. Tee Bone Man sprung into action, leaping across the room and executing a cross body pin which would have made Shawn Michaels proud. With the would be assassin pinned, Tee Bone Man rolled him over onto his front and slapped handcuffs on him.
The bar’s bouncers arrived on the scene straight after. “What’s happening?” one of them demanded to know.
Superdekes pointed at the Uzi on the floor, “This man was going to shoot up the bar.”
The bouncer looked at the gun. “I’ve never seen a gun like that before and I’ve just come back from ‘Nam.”
“It’s a new gun, Israeli made,” Superdekes explained.
“We’ll call the police,” another bouncer stated.
“No need,” Superdekes responded pulling out a wallet displaying a badge with an ID. “We’re FBI, we’ve been after this guy for awhile.”
As Tee-Bone Man and Superdekes were about to lead their captive away, they were sidetracked by a familiar sounding voice. “Was he going to kill us?”
Turning around, they saw the voice belonged to Steve Tyler with the rest of the band standing behind him. “Yeah, but we got him first,” Tee Bone Man answered.
“Well thanks,” Steve said graciously.
“Yeah, thanks dudes,” Joe Perry chimed in.
“Hey no need to thank us,” Tee Bone Man responded humbly. Just go out and be the great band I know your are. I think you’re going to go places.” With that, the heroes took the prisoner out of the bar and getting to Superdeke’s motorcycle, went back to the future.
The next few saves weren’t as exciting, but just as crucial to history. Tee Bone Man’s lariat subdued the would be cutter of the brakes on Rush’s van. Another smoke grenade saved Alice Cooper from being shot. They caught a woman who was going to tamper with the wiring in order to start a fire at the hotel Deep Purple was staying at. “Nice idea trying to use a woman to do that,” Tee Bone Man chortled when they caught her. As for KISS, all they had to do was make sure Paul, Gene and Ace weren’t anywhere near their places of death at the time. All in all, they had major successes but there was still one band to save: Led Zeppelin.
“I have a hunch we’re gonna need take more ammo and supplies with us,” Tee-Bone Man stated as he climbed onto the back of Superdeke’s motorcycle.
“I’m way ahead of you,” Superdekes laughed. “I’ve packed everything in here but the kitchen sink.”
After striking the appropriate chords for the appropriate length of time, the heroes found themselves cruising through the streets of Barnet in North London in the year 1968. A couple of minutes later, Superdekes was parking his motorcycle outside of Olympic Studios.
Like they did with Black Sabbath, the duo strode through the door and bluntly inquired, “Is Led Zeppelin here?”
“Who?” the young lady behind the desk inquired. “Oh, that’s that new band. They just changed their name from The New Yardbirds. Yes, they’re in the studio recording at the moment.”
“Has anyone else come in? I mean not to do with any of the artists or the studio?”
Looking perplexed, the receptionist answered, “No, why do you ask?”
Flipping out his wallet, which revealed another ID and badge, Superdekes responded, “We’re with the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. We’re on assignment with Scotland Yard and we have intelligence that a bomb has been planted in the studio. We need everyone to evacuate the building.”
Seeing that the receptionist’s surprise made her momentarily freeze, Tee Bone Man went over to the opposite wall and pulled the fire alarm. The loud ringing sparked the receptionist into action. She sprang from her chair, opened the door behind her and shouted, “Fire!”
People began filing out of the building a second later. They took little notice of the two men waving them through the door. The faces of the people were unfamiliar to until the last of the stragglers went past. It took all the discipline they could muster to resist the temptation of going up and talking to Led Zeppelin. It helped that as he walked past, they heard Jimmy Page moan, “I had just perfected that guitar solo.”
Once the building was clear, Superdekes took out his bomb detection kit and started the search. They weren’t surprised that the ground floor office revealed nothing. As they were ready to head to the studio room where Led Zeppelin was recording, a nagging feeling came over Tee Bone Man. “Hold up,” he ordered taking his laser gun out of the holster and setting it to ‘stun.’
The door opened with a loud bang and a huge flash of light stunning both heroes, which allowed three minions to rush through the door. Unfortunately for them, they rushed in too fast ant the flash momentarily distracted them as well. Tee Bone Man quickly recovered and fired his laser at one of them. It was a direct hit and the target went down immediately. Then in true Western fashion, he quickly let off another shot with the same result on the second target. Meanwhile, Superdekes recovered and took out the third minion with a tranquilliser dart to the neck.
However, more minions came rushing through the door with guns blazing. Tee Bone Man and Superdekes were forced to take cover behind a desk. They realized they were pinned down as the hail of bullets kept flying overhead. Tee Bone Man reached into his shirt pocket and took out a trusty smoke grenade. Hurling it hook shot style over the desk, it landed right in front of the shooters. The puff of smoke and loud noise gave the heroes the distraction they needed. Superdekes pressed a button on one of his many gadgets and from seemingly out of nowhere, a net appeared above four minions and came down enveloping them. At the same time, Tee Bone Man continued his wild west antics shooting two with his laser and subduing a third with his lariat. With all the minions incapacitated, Superdekes said with a great degree of urgency, “We have to find that bomb.”
“Not so fast,” chided a new voice. “You have to go through me now.”
The man standing before them was none other than the metal hating music teacher, Mr. Suplee. “We will stop you and save heavy metal,” Tee Bone Man barked defiantly.
“That’s what you think,” Mr. Suplee responded with a sinister laugh.
The teacher held out what looked like a book and with a flash of light, which momentarily blinded the heroes, the book started blasting out the most UN-rock music in rapid succession, pounding the pair’s eardrums. Although they covered their ears, it could drown out the cacophony of trendy pop music from the decades. Music from Duran Duran, Donny Osmond, Madonna and the Spice Girls, plus many more was beating them down. Either their heads were going to explode or they would be driven to the brink of insanity.
Then all of a sudden, they heard a loud pop and after what sounded like a crash, the pulverising music suddenly stopped. Looking up, they saw the Metalman holding a odd looking pistol with a wide barrel. “Quickly,” The Metalman commanded, “I managed to disarm him with a blast of rock salt but you need to finish the job. Take your guitar and strike the chords A,C,D,C in that order, holding each note for 4.3 seconds. That will render his device powerless.”
Tee-Bone Man grabbed his guitar and began striking the chords. At the same time, Mr. Suplee picked up his device and tried to re-activate it but another rock salt blast from the Metalman’s pistol disarmed him once again. With each chord Tee-Bone Man struck, the device’s power lessened and after the final C chord, became totally powerless. With his trusty gadgets, Superdekes produced another net which came down and trapped their foe.
“But how did you know, Metalman?” Tee-Bone Man asked.
“After you saved Alice Cooper, Jimi Hendrix, Bon Scott and Malcolm Young appeared to me and said that the ringleader would be here and have this powerful device. It was given to him by Jimmy Swaggart who told him it was God’s plan for him to wipe out rock music. They told me how to stop him.”
As Tee Bone Man and Superdekes was taking all this in, the Metalman walked over to where the now powerless device lay on the floor and picked it up. Handing it to Tee Bone Man, they all saw that it was now merely a Bible.
“What, you’re the Metalman?” Mr. Suplee asked shocked. “Jimmy Swaggart swore he had you killed.
“He tried, or should I say his assassins did,” the Metalman returned. “But they missed and I fled to another country and all this time I thought it was Tipper Gore who ordered the hit.”
“Swaggart had her blessing,” Mr. Suplee informed.
“I found the bomb,” Superdekes interrupted.
Tee Bone Man followed Superdekes as he concentrated on his tracking device. It only took a minute for him to find the bomb underneath the mixing table where Led Zeppelin was recording. Fortunately, the device wasn’t too complicated and Superdekes was able to disarm it straight away.
When Tee Bone Man stuck his head out of the front door of the studio to say, “All clear,” the police on the scene were the first to enter. Many a police officer’s jaw nearly hit the floor when the saw the bullet holes and broken glass and furniture as well as the subdued bombers.
Superdekes once again flashed his badge, announcing, “Royal Canadian Mounted Police, we’re here in cooperation with Scotland Yard. We’re here for this man,” pointing to Mr. Suplee, “But you can have the others.”
Dumbfounded, the sergeant merely nodded. Taking their prisoner with them. Tee Bone Man, Superdekes and the Metalman stepped outside to a thunderous applause. A few of the younger women ran over to them and gave each of them hugs. When that was done, the three went over to Led Zeppelin and asked, “Can we have your autographs?”
“What, our autographs? We’re just recording our first album,” Robert Plant wondered.
“Oh, I think your group is going to be big one day, maybe even legends,” Tee Bone Man quipped.
“Hey why not? I mean, they just saved our lives,” John Paul Jones added.
Each member of the band signed autographs for the three heroes. When they got to Superdeke’s motorcycle, the Metalman informed them, “I’m afraid this is where we part ways.”
“So it is,” Tee Bone Man agreed. “Thanks for your help, I don’t know how much more of that torture we could have withstood.”
“No problem, after all, you have just saved rock history,” the Metalman told them.
With that, they all shook hands and the Metalman disappeared. Then Tee Bone Man and Superdekes, with their prisoner, returned to their time and place.
As they entered their lair, they spied two shadows lurking inside and drew their weapons as a precaution. “Hey, put down your guns, we’re here to congratulate you,” a somewhat familiar sounding voice stated.
The pair knew Satan’s voice straight away from their previous adventures. It was confirmed when Superdekes flicked the lights on and standing with Satan was none other than Elvis.
“We’ll take your prisoner and his minions from your cells,” Satan said with authority.
“What do you have in mind for them?” Tee Bone Man queried.
“We’re taking them to Rock Heaven,” Satan responded.” What better punishment for these people than to spend eternity listening to the very music they tried to destroy.”
“Serves them right,” Tee Bone Man smirked.
“I still can’t believe they let you into Rock Heaven,” Superdekes stated in an amused tone.
“Oh, we allow Satan to come in when he’s needed,” Elvis explained. “And every third weekend of the month for a jam. God almost never visits himself but once in awhile, Jesus and Mohammed stop in every now and then to jam with us. I’ll tell you one thing, both of them are fed up with humankind twisting their teachings in order to denounce music.”
“We better get these guys to Rock Heaven,” Satan said with a sense of urgency.
“Yeah, you’re right.” Turning to the two heroes, Elvis said his famous, “Thank you very much. By the way, there is a special reward for you guys by your music equipment.” With that, Satan and Elvis disappeared with their prisoners.
When they were gone, Tee Bone Man and Superdekes rushed over to where their music equipment was and what they saw totally astounded them. On the table were dozens of MP3s and a note which read, “For your ears only.” Accompanying each MP3 was a track listing which featured songs from just about every deceased singer or musician possible. One MP3 alone had just about every singer singing a duet with The King. Tee Bone Man especially wanted to hear Elvis singing with Lemmy. There was the Ronnie James Dio/Janis Joplin duet but Ronnie also got his friends from the Sabbath/Purple/Rainbow tree and formed a band. It had Cozy Powell on drums, Jimmy Bain on bass, Jon Lord on keyboards and for the guitar, they got Criss Oliva of Savatage fame.
There were further combinations like Jill Janus, Jeff Hanneman, Cliff Burton and Razzle and another one with Mike Howe, Randy Rhoads, Cliff Burton and AJ Pero. Like with Elvis, a lot of people got Jimi Hendrix to play guitar on their songs but Jimi got with Phil Lynott and recorded some cool songs as well.
The combinations were limitless, and as they put the first MP3 on and poured themselves some whiskeys, they knew they had some great music to enjoy for a very long time.
This track comes by the suggestion of the Mad Metal Man himself, Harrison! From the near-immortal album Countdown to Exitinction, this song relates to suicide, not dental surgery, but we’ll go with it anyway.
This tooth-themed song comes courtesy of Kevin over at CanadianGrooves! This song comes from Weird Al Yankovic’s 4th record Polka Party! It was not one of Al’s more successful albums, earning mixed reviews and not a lot of hits. “Living With A Hernia” comes from the same album. Hopefully I do not end up a toothless person.
They only show you their gums when they smile
Ain’t got a tooth in their heads now, how vile
Only can eat things like pudding and applesauce
They never have to buy toothpicks or dental floss
Hey, stand up
Toothless people, their breath is lethal, want to tell you
Hey, come on, stand up, get on your feet
Toothless people, old and feeble, what I say
No more of those pearly whites will they possess
Their oral hygiene is frightful, a mess
Lots of ’em suffering from trench mouth and gum disease
At least they don’t have to worry ’bout cavities
Hey, stand up, take out your teeth
Toothless people, old and feeble, oh yes
You can brush ’em, you can floss ’em
They’re something you just can’t ignore
If you lose ’em, you’re in trouble
‘Cause the tooth fairy won’t come no more
You need something to show your dentist
The next time he makes you say “Ah”
You don’t want to have to wind up
Eating all of your food through a straw
You’d better brush your teeth now (hey)
Toothless, toothless, toothless, toothless people
Hey, stand up, toothless people
I hope by now I’m well into recovery! The fifth song for Teeth Week is Dokken’s “Tooth and Nail”, from the album of the same name, released in 1984. This excellent record is notable for also including the landmark ballad “Alone Again”. Written by “Wild” Mick Brown, George Lynch and Jeff Pilson, “Tooth and Nail” is an uptempo metal smoker about typical metal subject matter. Tearing it up in the daytime. Being reckless and free. Being strong and fighting tooth and nail. Hopefully that’s what I’m doing this week as I recover from my surgery.
“Tooth and Nail” is notable for being on every Dokken live album, with the exception of the 1983 recording From Conception which predates the track. It’s even on the unplugged One Live Night album. It’s certainly a mainstay in Dokken sets. Please root for me to fight tooth and nail as I recover from my surgery.
The last song on side one of Alice Cooper’s Billion Dollar Babies album in 1973 was a lyrical departure. Instead of the horrors of monsters, or necrophilia, this time Alice is comically singing about the horrors of dental surgery! Too much candy, and now it’s time for a trip to the dentist. The sound of drills echo in your head as the song plays. Live on stage, Cindy Smith (Neal Smith, drummer’s sister, and future wife of Dennis Dunaway) dressed as a giant tooth and danced around while Alice brushed her with a giant toothbrush.*
Standing among bigger hit firepower like “Billion Dollar Babies”, “Elected” and “No More Mr. Nice Guy”, this ode to dental surgery is often forgotten. If the sound of dental drills give you the heebie-jeebies, then I can understand why. With lyrics about the Marquis de Sade hanging out in Alice’s mouth, I’m glad I didn’t put this song on BEFORE my dental surgery.
Alice Cooper is a lyrical master and there should be no surprise that he has one of the most hilariously horrifying songs about teeth in rock and roll!
Candy everywhere, got chocolate in my hair,
Aching to get me.
Sticky sweet suckers in the Halloween air,
Aching to get me.
Saint Vitus dance on my molars tonight,
Aching to get me.
Aching to get me, get me oh …
Take it to the doc, I guess he ought to know,
La, da, da, da, da.
Which ones can stay, which ones gotta go.
La, da, da, da, da.
He looks in my mouth and then he starts to gloat.
He says my teeth are O.K.,
But my gums got to go.Oh oh …
I come off the gas but I’m still seeing spies,
Aching to get me.
I can see them all through a glassy pair of eyes,
Aching to get me.
De Sade’s gonna live in my mouth tonight,
La, da, da, da, da,
And the rotten tooth fairy is satisfied,
La, da, da, da, da,
Aching to get me, get me oh …
*Thanks Brenda
It certainly seems appropriate that my first album post-surgery is Lick It Up!
Tom Petty would have worked as well, since “The Waiting Is the Hardest Part”. That was certainly true. I woke up at 3 AM this morning and I was raring to go. I got a couple more hours’ sleep after that, but was up again well before 6 AM just wanting to get on with the day. Get it over with!
Extraction was scheduled for 8 AM. Dr. McCann’s office in Kitchener Waterloo — nothing but praise. Fantastic people. Wonderful nurses, terrific doctor. I said “I’m probably in the top ten chickens you’ve ever had.” No problem.
I sat down in the chair. They attached all the monitors and accoutrements. I asked if I looked cool.
The IV going in was the hardest part. They said there were a few stages to the drugs, and first they would take the edge off the anxiety. I asked the nurse to just keep talking to me. We talked about my work, she kept asking me interested questions. And that’s the last thing I remember.
I don’t even really remember waking up. I remember being light on my feet with a face stuffed full of gauze. I remember feeling confident to stand, and then to slowly walk. By the time I was in the car, I was talking slowly but back to my old self.
I’ve been sitting here chillaxing at my parents’ house today, tired but not sleepy. My dad made me a nice lunch of orzos. Tonight my mom is making home made mac n’ cheese. We watched Spiderman: No Way Home together. My dad thought the idea of three Spidermen was kind of goofy; he only likes Tobey. My mom seemed to understand most of it. I had fun.
It has been about six hours since I left the dentist and I’m still really frozen.
I have this awesome Optimus Prime set to build. I’ll save it for when I’m back in my own home. I’m a little swollen. I was hoping for more actually!
I’m doing OK.
Thanks for your support!
Today’s the day. I’ve never been put under in my life, so mark this date on your calendar, readers! If all goes well, I’ll update you on how it went! In the meantime we’re on the third and most important song for Teeth Week. It had to be “(Anesthesia) Pulling Teeth” by Metallica today. No other song would do it.
This track is an instrumental composed and performed by the late Cliff Burton for Metallica’s debut LP Kill ‘Em All. Surely it has to be one of the most famous bass instrumentals in the history of rock. The fuzzy bass sound is absolutely perfect, as Cliff plays a rhythm melody with tasty bass licks. His technique is insane, with fingers flying and tapping over the fretboard. Lars Ulrich and the rest of Metallica don’t even come in until the halfway point, leaving Cliff to lay down the most awesome of bass songs.
Check out the 1983 studio original, and a live version recorded in Chicago the same year. If I could play bass a fraction as well as Cliff Burton, I’d be happy!
Bring on the anesthesia — here I go. Wish me luck!
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