Part 26: You Wanted the Best, You Got the Best…

My Amazon reviewing buddy Tommy Morais suggested that we talk a bit about 80’s Kiss.  And why not?  I think 80’s Kiss is an under appreciated era.  Sure, some of those albums are under par.  But some of those albums are also among the best that Kiss have ever done.

It’s a good suggestion, so I’ll go with it.  Here ya go, Tommy.  80’s Kiss.  My take. In the order I got heard the music.

80’s KISS

I grew up in the 80’s.  While I knew “Rock and Roll All Nite”, my real introduction to Kiss was essentially “Heaven’s On Fire” and “Thrill’s in the Night”.  I saw the videos on Much and was surprised to discover that Kiss were not wearing makeup anymore.  And the songs were rocking and good.  Later on, a buddy brought over Lick It Up, and played, “And On The 8th Day”.  I said, “That doesn’t sound like the same guy singing,” and they said it wasn’t; they explained it was Gene Simmons (the scary looking one).

I was curious and started taping the music videos. 

Asylum (1985)

This wasn’t my first Kiss album, but it was my first 80’s Kiss album.  I had already acquired Hotter Than Hell and Alive (See Part 3: My First Kiss.)

My dad bought it for me at HiWay Market, in Kitchener, where the Zehrs is now.  It didn’t come with lyrics so I had to try and figure out what they were singing, a task I found very difficult. 

I knew “Tears Are Falling” already from the video, and very quickly my next favourite song became “Uh! All Night”.  I thought that the title was embarassingly bad even then, but the riff was so damn catchy.  Much to my surprise, “Uh! All Night” became the next video, loaded with girls.  I had no problem with that.  My next favourite song, “Who Wants to Be Lonely” became the next video.  I realized I had a knack for predicting the next Kiss singles, something I did without fail for the next three albums in a row.

The other two strongest songs on this album are Paul’s “King of the Mountain”, with Eric Carr’s thunderous drum intro, and Gene’s “Secretly Cruel”.  The rest of the songs are in my opinion pretty much filler, although “Radar for Love” isn’t bad.

Animalize (1984)

I taped Animalize off George, next door.  I taped it on a crappy 120 minute Scotch, it was all I had.  It sounded awful, and I think that might be part of the reason why I consider Animalize to be Kiss’ weakest. 

I love the two singles, “Heaven’s on Fire”, and especially “Thrills in the Night”.  My next favourite song is “Get All You Can Take”.  (I had no idea as a kid that the chorus went, “What fucking difference does it make?”  Like I said, I couldn’t really make out Kiss lyrics that well, and I had no lyric sheets.)  I think the rest of the album is very weak, especially when it comes to Gene songs.  “Let me put my log in your fireplace.”  Yow!

Lick It Up (1983)

This was the next 80’s Kiss album I acquired, on cassette, for Christmas of 1985.  My parents bought me a brand new duel tape deck, a Sanyo, and this was the first thing played in it.  I loved Lick It Up.  By now, I knew a lot of these songs from the Kiss Animalize Live Uncensored home video that I taped off George.  Yes this was my first time hearing the studio versions of “Young and Wasted” and “Fits Like A Glove”.   I quickly grew to love “Dance All Over Your Face” and of course “And On The 8th Day”.  Unlike the previous two 80’s Kiss albums, this one was loaded with excellent Gene material.  Finally, I grew to love two Paul songs:  “Exciter” and “A Million To One”.  Only the filler song “Gimme More” really fails to excite me today.

Lick It Up is the first Kiss album featuring their bare faces, played up by Kiss appearing on the front cover in just their every day street clothes of jeans and jackets.  The guitars are performed by Vinnie Vincent, a brilliant player.  When Vinnie is restrained, like he was with Kiss, his tones and solos are absolutely stunning and perfect.  When left to his own devices, he comes up with stuff like Vinnie Vincent Invasion.

This is, to me, tied for best Kiss album of the 80’s.  It is tied with.,.

Creatures of the Night (1982)

I taped this one off George as well.  It swiftly became a favourite.  Chock full of solid rockers, I swiftly found myself drawn to “War Machine” and “Rock and Roll Hell”, both angry and rebellious Gene songs.  There are really no weak tracks off this one.  I think “I Love It Loud” gets pretty boring after a while, but it’s still a classic Kiss song.  The drum sound on the original mix of this album is insane.  If you have the CD with the non-makeup cover, then you have a remixed version.  The drums are toned down.  The original is the superior version, and the one to own (if you only own one.  I don’t, I have both).

Although Ace Frehley was on the original album cover and in the video, we all knew that Ace was essentially out of the band by this time and didn’t play on Creatures. 

Unmasked (1980)

This, the second of the “Kissco” albums, is not particularly one of my favourites.  Even as kids, we found it pretty poppy, with not enough rock and roll.  We liked “Is That You?”, “Talk To Me”, and “Torpedo Girl”, but we found the rest of the album to be incredibly weak.  Much like Creatures, we knew that Peter Criss did not play on Unmasked, even though he was in the video.  The drums are ably performed by Anton Fig, who had previously played on Ace Frehley and Dynasty.

I loved the cover.  I know Gene and Paul don’t think much of the cover now, but you have to get this one on vinyl.  Playing off their comic book excesses, the cover are panels from a comic book, involving Kiss finally unmasking.  (Get it?)  And then they remove their masks, only to reveal that underneath, they still look exactly the same!  Which played into the face that although fans were begging to see Kiss’ faces, they weren’t going to take off the makeup just yet.

Music From “The Elder” (1981)

As the Kiss collection started to complete itself, I realized I eventually needed The Elder.  George dutifully taped Bob and I both copies.  He wrote the titles on virtually illegibly, and we ended up phoning him to ask him what the hell the songs were called!  “George, what does this say?  ‘Escape from the Ish’?  What is that?!”  And why did he write the album title as Music From?

George straightened us out, it was a concept album and that was the title on the actual cover.  “Escape From the Island” was an Ace Frehley instrumental and one of the only songs we liked.  We found the album pretty weak, but there were songs we kept coming back to, such as “The Oath”.  It was a pretty weird sounding album, then and now.  I mean, not too many three chord rock bands make ambitious concept albums, and the result is a blocky, awkward but intriguing mess of songs.  Yet I love this album!  Weird, eh?  Hated it then, though!

Incidentally, if you owned this album, and the concept made no sense, there’s a possible reason:  On the original American releases, the songs are in the wrong order.  The record company felt you needed to start with a rocker like “The Oath”, but the “correct” tracklisting (now available remastered) has “Fanfare” and “Just A Boy” as the start of the story.

Killers (1982)

Bob brought this German LP with the backwards “KIZZ” logo back with him from his summer vacation in 1986.  He returned with Killers and Alive II, which I recorded from him.  I eventually bought his copy of Killers, so this very copy I’m talking about is the one I own today.

Killers was a Europeans hits disc, pink cover, with the band in their Elder-era outfits, headbands andf ponytails.  However it represents a return to the rocking Kiss sounds of old, as it contained four new songs, all sung by Paul:  “I’m a Legend Tonight” (love it!), “Partners In Crime” (meh), “Nowhere To Run” (fave!), and “Down On Your Knees” (pretty decent uptempo Paul rocker). 

Bob and I especially loved “I’m A Legend Tonight”, but “Nowhere To Run” became a close second, and eventually overtook it. 

As a compilation, it’s a good one.  It has all the hits, including the live version of “Rock N’ Roll All Nite” from Alive!  The CD I have is from Japan, and has two extra songs not on the European one:  “Shandi” and “Escape From The Island”, which was edited off their version of The Elder.

 

Crazy Nights (1987)

For the first time, there was a two-year gap between Kiss albums.  Crazy Nights was a unique album experience for me.  It was the first time I had waited patiently for a Kiss album.  Asylum, which had come out in 1985, was already out when I first started seriously getting into Kiss.  George kept me up to date on all the Kiss news.  That summer, he told me that the album title was Crazy Nights, and that Paul had been writing on keyboards.  Keyboards, in Kiss?

The day the album came out, George got it on LP, and I recorded it as usual.  We listened to it at his place.  I wasn’t sure what to think.  These were all new songs and it didn’t really sound great.  The title track and first single was a lot more pop, we noticed.  Some of the Gene songs were just awful, and some Paul songs, not better.  “I’ll Fight Hell To Hold You” is one that I felt never sounded quite right. 

Little did I know as a fan that Gene Simmons had pretty much clocked out by this time.  He had gone Hollywood and Paul was steering the ship.  As a result, Crazy Nights is pretty Paul heavy, with only a couple decent Gene songs.  “Good Girl Gone Bad” is the best one, a slow burner about a young girl that Gene claims is the “best love I ever had”.  “No No No” is…well, I won’t go as far as to call it a good song, but it was one of the few fast rockers, and featured a smoking hot solo from Bruce.

Once again I predicted the next single, the ballad “Reason To Live”.  Ballads were huge at the time, but that one was not.  It failed to rocket up the charts, maybe because it was too light.  Too many keyboards.  Paul was no longer playing his guitar in videos, he was just wearing it.  This bugged me to no end.  It really, really bugged me.  Not to mention Kiss’ new outfits were anything but cool. 

For the first time, there was a third video, the much better “Turn On The Night”, a Bon Jovi-esque pop rocker with a very catchy chorus and Bruce solo.  Paul wore his guitar again in the video, but at least it was a rocker.  And my favourite song on the album.

Smashes, Thrashes & Hits (1988)

Rumours of breakup swirled in 1988, after the less-than-successful Crazy Nights tour and album.  I hoped and prayed for Kiss to return to rock.  Then, Gene Simmons co-hosted the Pepsi Power Hour in 1988.  He talked mostly about his new label, Simmons Records.  He was promoting his first two singings:  A “funk-urban” singer name Laz Netto (sp?) and a rock band from the ashes of Giuffria and Quiet Riot called House of Lords.  This worried me.  Clearly, Gene’s focus was not on Kiss.

He also announced the forthcoming release of a new hits album called Smashes, Thrashes & Hits.  It was to feature two new songs produced by Paul Stanley, he said, “You Put the X in Sex” (sic), and “(You Make Me) Rock Hard”.  He also said there was to be a new version of Beth, with Eric Carr singing.  At the time, to me, this didn’t bother me as a concept.  I liked Eric’s voice, but he had never sung lead on an album before, so this should be cool.  Unfortunately, Eric put no rasp in his voice, which I think sank his version.

As for the two new singles/videos?  Not only was “Let’s Put the X in Sex” pure pop again, but Paul wasn’t even wearing his guitar in the video!  He was just…dancing!  Dancing!!  “Rock Hard” was a better song, but once again, Paul was dancing.  And Gene?  He was completely clocked out.  Not only did he look like a transvestite, but he couldn’t even lip sync the lyrics correctly.  Watch the video.  Check it out.  At around 1:50, the lyric, “You turn me ’round”.  You can clearly see Gene mouth the words as “You turn me up”.  You doesn’t even know the words to the damn song, he was so clocked out at that point.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gQj1LuY5b8M

Hot In The Shade (1989)

Paul did a brief solo tour with Bob Kulick and Eric Singer, and promised Kiss would be back later that year with a new album.  Paul’s promise was true, and in the fall I sat and watched the new Kiss video, “Hide Your Heart”.  I hoped it would not suck.

It didn’t!

Paul was playing a guitar again!  And it wasn’t some candy-coloured modern guitar, it was a vintage one.  The song was catchy with a good chorus, but was not overtly pop.  The video wasn’t about hot girls anymore, but had a story to it.  Perfect!  Kiss had finally started to catch up with where I thought they should have been going.

I picked up the album on cassette in Pickering, Ontario while on school field trip to the nuclear plant, of all things.  We stopped at a mall for lunch, and I picked it up at an A&A.  It was long and it took a while to absorb, but I immediately loved the pedal steel solo that opened the album.  That’s what I’m talking about!  It might not have been anything vintage Kiss would have done, but at least it was about the roots of rock again, not keyboards and ballads.

Once again I predicted the singles:  “Forever”, the acoustic ballad, was a great song with yet another killer Bruce solo.   You had to have at least one ballad back then, and Kiss gave us just one out of the 15 songs.  And it was an acoustic ballad, not a keyboard one.  Bonus.

The third and final and most confusing single was “Rise To It”.  Confusing because Gene and Paul put the makeup back on in the video.   In a flashback scene, Paul and Gene sit in a dressing room putting on their makeup, discussing the future of the band.  Could they survive without makeup?  Paul says yes, Gene says he’s nut.  Eric and Bruce, backs turned to the camera, “play” Ace and Peter.  Flash to the present day, Kiss kicking ass without makeup at a live show, then back to the dressing room.  “Yeah, I guess you’re right,” Gene concedes, as they walk out together, fully suited up.

What were they trying to tell us?

It is known now that Kiss were attempting to woo Ace back into the band.  It would be a return to makeup, and the Elder lineup of Stanley/Simmons/Carr/Frehley for a tour.  For the first time, Kiss did not tour to support the album when it was released, but waited until 1990.  By then, the album had petered out, and Ace had declined.  The co-headlining tour with Whitesnake culminated in a disasterours show in Toronto where Paul trashed Whitesnake to the crowd for not letting Kiss use their full stage gear.  The crowd in turn booed Whitesnake, the first time, according to Steve Vai, he had ever been booed on stage.  He had walked onto the stage in front of a crowd cheering, “Yngwie, Yngwie, Yngwie…”, but had never been booed, until Paul trashed Whitesnake on stage.  Kiss did return later that year with their full Sphynx stage show.

Anyway, that was the 90’s.  As far as the 80’s ended, I thought and still think that Hot In the Shade was a step back in the right direction.  At 15 songs, it was too bogged down with filler, and I don’t think it sounded that great.  I never liked Bruce’s guitar sound on it, I felt it was unappealling.  I liked that Eric Carr had a proper lead vocal on his own song (“Little Caesar”) and I liked that the album ended with a seriously heavy rocker, Gene’s thrash-like “Boomerang”.  I was no longer embarassed by the band.

When they would finally return again in the 90’s, they had lost Eric Carr.  But they had also righted the good ship Kiss, with the excellent Revenge. 

But that, dear friends, is another story….

LeBRAIN WEEK!

Woah Nelly!

Tune in ALL WEEK to the Craig Fee Show on 107.5 Dave FM, at 4 pm!!
IT’S LeBRAIN WEEK!  The 4 O’clock 4-Play! And it was off to a KICKING start this week!

  1. Skid Row – 18 & Life
  2. Twisted Sister – The Price
  3. U2 – Bullet The Blue Sky
  4. Kiss – I Was Made For Loving You

Answer:  All artists have done MUSICALS (Jeckyl & Hyde, Rock of Ages, Spiderman, Phantom!)

CAN YOU OUT-BRAIN LeBRAIN?

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REVIEW: Helix – Good To The Last Drop / S.E.X. Rated (original cassingle!)

HELIX – “Good To The Last Drop” (1990 cassette single)

One thing though that I thought I lost was all my cassette singles. They were stored in a shoebox at my parents’ house, and I thought I lost them in a move. In that box of cassette singles were some tunes that could not be replaced on CD, because they don’t exist on CD. One is the original version of “S.E.X. Rated”, by Helix. There was a remake done on 1999’s B-Sides album with the original lineup, and it’s awesome. There is however an earlier version from the “Good To The Last Drop” cassette single that is early enough that it had to be Paul Hackman on guitar. It was noticably different from the 1999 version, and I have hunted and hunted to find a CD version, but none exist. I tracked down a couple “Good To The Last Drop” CD singles, but they contain just one track, the Remix version of “Good To The Last Drop”, which they later re-released on a Best Of  CD.

“Good to the Last Drop”, the remix version, is superior to the album version.  The main difference is that catchy keyboard hook.  That’s not there on the album version.  It’s not available on many CD compilations now, although its B-side is not.

In 2007, my parents were digging away in the basement and they found the box of cassette singles. There are a couple other winners in there too. But the Helix one is there, and in remarkably great shape, probably because BOTH tracks are on each side, so you’d play the tape half as much.  The integrity of the tape would presumably last longer. At least if one side starts to sound bad, you can play the other side.

The song is really different from the other version, it starts with a spoken-word intro. Somebody that sounds like a radio DJ says, “Hi, this is Johnny (something?). And this is for the girl that wants me to love her for her mind. But I want to love her because of what she doesn’t mind.” And then the band kicks in, and the lyrics to the song are the same as the ’99 version. Sounds like it could be Fritz on drums. On the cassette sleeve, the track is credited as “Produced by Helix” as opposed to Helix and Tony Bongiovi, as the album was. Recorded at a separate session perhaps? Daryl’s bass sounds great, punchy and driving. In general the track sounds great.

I like how the cover says “INCLUDES BONUS UNRELEASED TRACK”. The back cover reveals the tape was released in 1990, probably late 1990 if I remember, because I seem to remember getting this tape around or during Christmas holidays 1990.

Incidentally, I emailed Brian Vollmer about this version of “S.E.X. Rated” and asked if there was a CD version ever coming.  He said he can’t remember anything about another version.  I asked Daryl Gray, and his response is below:

try the CD version of Long Way To Heaven album…

Nope.  Sorry Daryl!  Not there, got that one too.  So there you go!  A Helix rarity that even the band doesn’t seem to know about.  Cool.

5/5 stars

Part 25: Applicants

Everybody wants to work in a record store.  Kids, adults, seniors, I had applications from everybody.  I had one retiree apply who had this really impressive resume.  He was an engineer at one point.  He taught at a university.  He designed airplane tires, for passenger jets.  His resume was designed for an engineering  job.

At the top of the resume, for the job he was looking for, he had scratched out (in pen) “Engineer” and written in, “CD Store Clerk”.

Back then, we had the internet, but we didn’t even have it in the store yet.  We relied on pure musical knowledge.  That’s the way a music shopping experience should be.  For example, I walked into an HMV one time in a mischievous mood, and asked for a Led Zeppelin bootleg called Sweet Jelly Roll.  That HMV guy typed and typed and typed trying to find a CD that for all intents and purposes did not exist.  If the same question was asked of our people, we’d know without having to look that wasn’t the name of anything Zeppelin ever officially released.

To work in a record store in the 90’s, you had to know your shit.  People would come in and ask the most obscure questions.  “There was a Black Sabbath album I used to have, it had a red baby on the cover.  What was it?”  BAM!  Born Again.  Real question, real answer.

We were buying, and selling.  We were like the Pawn Stars, before we had the internet, we had to know our shit.  If we didn’t, somebody at one of the downtown stores, would.

So, people applying for jobs really had to know music, all kinds.  We had a written test.  It had different types of questions, matching names to bands, etc.  Who’s this band, who’s that band, name five jazz artists, etc.  It would have been hard for anybody to get 100% on it, but we weren’t looking for that.  We were just looking for broad musical knowledge.

Some of the more entertaining things that were said and/or written during tests:

“This test is whack, man, I only know about rap.”

“Pink Floyd:  He is a singer from the 60’s”

“Can I take this test home and bring it back tomorrow?”

“The Cranberries:  crap”

“The Beatles:  really, really old music”

“Classical music:  Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, AC/DC, The Who, Buddy Holly”

A few kids…more than a few…ducked out of the store mid-test because they knew they were in way over their heads.  Some looked it and didn’t even try, they just left.  It got so bad that we actually had to make sure we spoke to everyone who applied not to worry and not to get freaked out by the test, it wasn’t the be all and end all.   We had so many applicants one year, I ran out of pens in the afternoon while everyone was writing!

It’s pretty funky walking into a record store and seeing a bunch of kids writing tests on any horizontal surface available.

There was a guy who had a resume that included “super powers”.  I’ll never forget that one super power he had was “the power to heat soup by looking at it.”  That’s a pretty neat super power.  I could use that one.  I don’t know if it would help against Magneto, or the Green Goblin, but it would mean I don’t have to use the microwave when I’m hungry for some soup.

There was a guy in another store who applied, wrote the test, got an interview, got hired, and never showed up.

There was a guy who came in with his resume, tucked in his pants pocket, because he had no shirt.

There were guys that dropped off a resume, wrote the test, shopping around, and acted like total dicks the whole time.  Swearing up and down, treating me like shit.  Why the hell would we hire you? 

But, it takes all types, I guess.  A record store was a unique place in the universe.  The customers are unique, so the staff had to be unique.  I think, for a while in the mid 90’s, we had that.  We had the girl who knew about Motown, we had Trev, who knew about Brit-pop and all the new shit coming out, we had me, specializing in metal and classic rock.  And of course we had Tom, who seemed to know everything about everything that had any sort of…integrity to it.  Tom wouldn’t have been bothered with Oasis, or Bon Jovi, or Puff Daddy. But ask him about Captain Beefheart.  (He’d still be professional enough to know the names  of every album by everybody…we all were.  We had to be.)

Authentic record store folks are among the most odd, interesting, and eccentric people you’d ever meet, and I’m proud to say, for 12 years, I was one of ’em.  And I’d like to think I’m still pretty eccentric.

Part 24: Musical Embarrassment

Some record store peolple had shady musical pasts.  In the effort to appear cool, they would conceal any musical sins of the past.

Now, my musical sins are well on record.  Thanks to my sister, who emailed Craig Fee at 107.5 Dave FM on the Friday of LeBrain week, the entire region knows my musical sins.  But I don’t embarass easily.  She thought I’d be embarassed by:

  • Melanie C – I don’t own it anymore.  It was her “rock” album produced with Rick Rubin.
  • Hilary Duff – I liked one song called “The Getaway” that happened to work really well on a CD I made (cross-faded into “Somebody’s Out There” by Triumph).
  • Avril Lavigne – I still stand by her second album, which is really guitar heavy.  If it had solos and nobody knew who she was, it would have been considered metal.

Craig ended up spinning some New Kids clips in her honour.   She was a lot more embarassed than I was.  I wish I’d told Craig she also liked Rick Astley.  (hint)

Anyways, I don’t embarass musically.  I did have a misguided period in the 90’s when it was hard to find good new rock music, where I’d listen to anything.  I’ve since realized that there was a difference between albums you’d listen to at work, and albums you’d listen to at home.  Not necessarily the same thing.  I got rid of everything that I never listened to at home.

Some people at our store were not quite like me.  There was one guy who was a massive Barenaked Ladies fan back in grade school, but never admitted it.  My sister went to school with him and distinctly remembers that BNL was his favourite band one year.  Now that he’d moved on to the Grateful Dead, he didn’t want anyone to know his dirty secret. 

This is me in grade 9, baby.

Another had a massive crush on W. Axl Rose, and used to love Guns N’ Roses — she shall remain anonymous, since she doesn’t like people knowing this.   I don’t know how she fell out of love with Axl, but I do know that she hates stuff like GN’R now, both lyrically and musically.  I have a hard time understanding how you can swing from one side of the spectrum to the other like that!

And there was another who thought that Limp Bizkit was “#1”!  The following year, she was over Durst and onto the next one.  I can remember pictures of Durst being taped up everywhere from the counter to the bathroom.  Our store was a Shrine to Durst.  I also remember one guy stroked out his name on one of the posters…

Fred Durst Worst!

Meanwhile, I thought it would be more scenic to put up a giant poster of Kittie in the office.  I think I was right. 

I got made fun of pretty hard during my entire tenure for the music I liked.  The same guy who used to like BNL used to call me Cheese Metal Mike.  Cheeser, for short.  Well, at least I still listen to Iron Maiden.  Another made fun of me for buying Tesla.  The last album I got from Tesla was their recent covers set, Real to Reel, which I consider easily in my top five cover albums of all time.  Still love the band.  They kick a fuck of a lot more ass than, say, Mnmnmickelback….

There’s not much that embarasses me, certainly not music.  Girls I used to have crushes on, yeah.  Absolutely.  We won’t go there.  I already mentioned Sporty Spice and that’s enough from me.  If my sister had emailed Craig and had him broadcast the names of all my old celeb crushes, she could have really embarassed me.  Don’t get any ideas, Kathryn.

(OK one more.  I really liked Elizabeth Hurley at the time of Austin Powers.  Something about that accent.  (I ended up marrying a Brit, a girl of Sunderland heritage.)  A year later it was Kate Winslet, and a couple years after that, it was the lead singer of Scratching Post, whatever her name was…Scratching Post had one good song.  I wish I could remember the name of it.  I saw them live a couple times and they were really good live.  Shame their albums sucked so bad. )

To me, the most embarassing thing has to be coming in and selling every CD by a band.  If you have every CD, it means you really liked them.  I’ll never forget the guy with the Motley Crue tattoo who sold every Motley Crue CD when Vince was out of the band.  You’d also see the odd guy here or there who found God and unload a massive amount of music that they find distasteful.  I got a lot of my metal collection that way. 

I’m cool with anybody who finds God, no problem there.  But don’t tell me I’m going to h-e-double-hockeysticks for listening to Ozzy Osbourne.  That happened, in the store.  This one guy told me that Ozzy was the pathway to hell. 

I responded, “Have you heard his song called ‘Killer of Giants’?”

“No, I won’t listen to him at all,” said the guy.

“Well, ‘Killer of Giants’ is an anti-nuclear war song.  All of his old Black Sabbath lyrics are also anti-war or anti-nukes.  I would say that Ozzy and God have a common agenda when it comes to peace among mankind.”

He had no answer for that one.

In short, I’ve never been embarassed about anything I’ve listened to, be it the worst Mike Patton album I’ve ever heard (Adult Themes for Voice) or be it Puff Daddy’s remake of “Kashmir” with Jimmy Page and Tom Morello.  I don’t give a crap.  People have been making fun of my listening to tastes since grade 7, ever since I found Kiss.   (see Part 3: My First Kiss)

I got called out in grade 8 for wearing a Judas Priest shirt to school, in front of everyone.  It was a Catholic school.  How the hell was I to know that “Judas priest!” was a swear word back in the 1950’s or something!  I was embarassed for the moment, but my love for the Priest has only solidified over the years.  Through the departure of Halford to the Ripper years to the glorious comeback, it’s all been good with me.  (I’ll talk more about how heavy metal and Catholic schools didn’t mix back in 1985 in the future.)

Don’t let anybody tell you what music is good and what music is crap.  Including me!  If you like something because your friends like it, that’s not sincere.  If you honestly sincerely like something because it’s resonating with some part of you, then it’s true and good!

Part 23: Klassic Kwotes IV!

OK folks, step right up for Klassic Kwotes IV.  As usual, all tales are true.  Only the names have been changed to protect the guilty.  As for me, I’m just your storyteller…if I didn’t tell these stories they would have been lost to the winds of history….

Whew.  OK, read on, then.

 

1. Way, way back prior to the turn of the century, Garth Brooks attempted to adopt an alter-ego named Chris Gaines, in order to get into the rock and pop market. 

The concept was ludicrous.  Inside the CD case were photos of Garth, dressed as “Gaines”, in a black goth wig, soul patch…and black & white leotards.  Black and white leotards.  Yes, I did say that. There was an extensive bio, a “Greatest Hits” album, and even a documentary with contemporary pop stars praising Chris Gaines as an influence.  The public was utterly confused.

So, for a good six months following that, one of the dumbest things I heard said was, “That Chris Gaines guy is real.  I know because I saw it on TV.”

 

2. We had a waiting list for various popular titles.  One of the most surprising answers to the question, “Could I get your phone number please?” was “I don’t know my phone number.”  OK, sure.  How do you want us to let you know it’s in?  “I’ll come in every day until it does.”  And then you’d never see them again.  This is more than one person ,by the way! 

3. “Pink Floyd.  Where do you keep him?“

 

4. “Do you have a band called Who?  Not THE Who, not THE GUESS Who, just called Who.”  No, nobody has that CD, because it doesn’t exist, because there’s no such band!

5. I have heard numerous “miracle cures” for scratched, dirty and skipping discs.  DO NOT ATTEMPT ANY OF THESE AT HOME!  These “cures” included cleaning your CDs with:

  • toothpaste
  • peanut butter (??)
  • your dishwasher
  • vaseline
  • handsoap
  • shampoo

Incidentally, if you don’t feel comfortably cleaning your glasses with something, it’s best not to try it on a CD.

6. “Scott Stapp isn’t ripping off Eddie Vedder’s style of singing.  Scott Stapp is singing that style correctly.  Vedder is trying to be more like Stapp!”  Actually said by someone.

 

7. “Do you have  Monster Balls?” I wasonce asked.  Luckily, I knew that the man was looking for the Halle Berry movier, Monster’s Ball!  (Answer I wish I had given:  “Why, yes I do.  Thanks for noticing.”)

8. “Can you watch my kid for about 10 minutes while I go to Canadian Tire?”  Again — actually said by someone! 

 

9.  A man once came in looking for Backstreet Boys, or something similar, for his kids.  We were sold out of Backstreet Boys, so I helpfully suggested New Kids On The Block?  His answer?  “No, we don’t like thats shit.  They suck.”  …and Backstreet Boys don’t?

10. “Do you have that new album by Tommy Lee Jones?”  He meant Tommy Lee.

Bonus 11.   Damn, I wish I was this person!   “Do you have any Rush?  Geddy Lee just moved in next door to us, and we’d like to know what his music is like.”  Damn!  Will you adopt me?  Geddy fucking Lee!  (And yes, I’m pretty sure his middle name is not actually “fucking”.)

Part 22: The Regulars 1.0

Have you worked retail, or anything like that?  Did you ever have regulars?  People you’d see on a regular basis that you either loved or loathed.

Example:  One I liked was this guy named Aaron.  I’m still in touch with him today.   He was a good guy.  One time he went down to the ‘States, picked up the US exclusive Sho ‘Nuff box set by the Black Crowes for me, and delivered it.  Awesome dude.  Another time he bought me (as in gifted) the first single for the new Crowes album By Your Side.  Later on, he burned me a CD of all their B-sides that he had.  A disc I still own by the way.

Aaron was a regular that I loved.   In the bro’ sense.

Then we have the ones I loathed.  There was this one guy who obviously played guitar because he was a total guitar snob.  He always wore black fingerless gloves too, that is one detail I’ll never forget.  He was an older guy, probably approaching 50, but a total guitar snob.

Whatever I was playing in store, he picked it apart.  The first time I ever encountered him, I was playing the new Deep Purple record, the excellent Purpendicular.

The guy snorts at me from the other side of the room.  “These guys are nothing without Blackmore.  Nothing.  Biggest mistake they ever made was getting Steve Morse.”

“Really?” I said.  “I like this album.”

“You really like this crap?” he said.   “What do you like about it?”

Now remember way back in chapter something-something, my boss taught me that valuable lesson about not getting into conversations with customers?  Well, that went out the window this time.  I mean, I’m passionate about music.  I just am.  It’s in my DNA.  (That’s actually a fact.  My sister and I have traced our lineage to many musicians.)

“I think it’s a strong album,” I began, “better than Battle Rages On which I thought had too much filler.  I like this one because it’s a little more dark, it’s progressive…”

“Progressive?!?  You call this progressive?  All it does is repeat!”

He was referring to the central guitar part in a song called “Sometimes I Feel Like Screaming”.  He’s right — the guitar part does repeat through the song.  It is also a classic song that is still in Deep Purple’s set today.

Anyway I let it go, but he kept going.

“Blackmore’s a superior guitar player to Morse.  Have you heard the new Rainbow?  Incredible album.  Incredible guitar playing on that one.  That’s real guitar playing, not this…”

Anyway, I’d see this guy periodically.  We called him Guitar Snob Man, or later on Pompous Ass.  Sometimes one person has a nickname for a regular that they made up on their own.  Meanwhile, another person has encountered the same regular, and has their own name they use.  Later on, when you’re working together, you realize you’ve been talking about the same guy all along, just you had different names for him.

I’d see Guitar Snob Man several times that year, and he almost never had anything good to say about the music in store.  Except this one time.

I was playing Yngwie J. Malmsteen.  (Pretty much also not allowed for store play either.)  Guitar Snob Man turns around to me, points to the CD case with his black-gloved hand and says, “Did you pick this?”

“Yup, that’s me.” I said.

“Good pick.  Great guitar player.  Absolutely amazing what this guy does.  Good choice.”

And I don’t even like Yngwie that much.  Too much Yngwie is like razor blades coming at your ears after a while.

But anyways, I shut up.  I said nothing.

Another regular was this guy named Shane.  Shane is a great guy, great guitar player, great singer too.  I met Shane during my first year as manager of my own store.  He was one of my first customers.  He immediately liked the store, because the guy behind the counter was playing rock music, and know what he was talking about.  In fact that first year I sold him Purpendicular by Deep Purple.

Shane came in for a whole year, trusting my musical taste.  I hadn’t led him astray once.  He liked good guitar players.  I sold him Maiden, Purple, Satriani, anything that just smoked.  He trusted me implicitly.  Until 1997.

In 1997 I sold him an album called Schitzophonic, by Nuno Bettencourt.  Shane did not like Schitzophonic.

The funny this is, even though I solidly praised the album to him then, I probably haven’t listened to it in 10 years myself.  In 1997 there wasn’t much to choose from in terms of new rock albums.  Bruce Dickinson made one of the few worthwhile albums that year.  Everybody else, from Jon Bon Jovi to Metallica, where making rock albums infused with alternative influences.  As a result a lot of those albums don’t sound that great today.  Nuno’s album was melodic and simplistic and fit in with what was going on in 1997.  That’s my excuse.

Shane came in, and just said, “Mike, I’m a little disappointed in you.”

To this day, Shane will remind me that I sold him the worst album he ever bought, Schitzophonic.  To this day, I hang my head in shame.  I’m sorry, Shane.

I let him exchange the CD which was even against company policy at the time.  I mean, fuck!  It was my fault, he could have saved his $12 if I’d used my bloody head.  Shane didn’t care that Nuno was in Extreme, one of the most guitar shredding bands of all time.  He wouldn’t want it based on that alone.  The album itself had to shred.  Duh.  I should have got that.

Years later, Shane and I recontacted each other via Brent Doerner from Helix.  Shane was playing in Brent’s band My Wicked Twin.  That’s Shane singing lead on “Never Turn Your Back” from the first album, Decibel.  Brent only plays with other guys who can play well, so that should tell you something about Shane’s capablity.

Great guy.  Glad to have met him.  All because of the record store.

SHANE

Part 21: “The Book” / REVIEW: Martin Popoff – Riff Kills Man!
I keep my copy in my desk

I keep my copy in my desk

 

RECORD STORE TALES Part 21:  The Book

Way back in the day, Tom had this book; a book of reviews of metal albums.  I don’t know where he got it.  He had recently acquired it and was perusing album reviews daily.  Hanging out one evening, he said to me, “Have you ever heard Gillan?”

I said, “Gillan, as in Ian Gillan’s band?”

“Yeah,” responded Tom.

“No,”  I said.

“You’re going to have to find some.  This book gives him consistent 10 star ratings.  There are some pretty cool song titles man, like ‘I’ll Rip Your Spine Out’.”

Cool!  So “The Book“ (as it came to be known) made the rounds.  T-Rev borrowed it for a couple weeks and explored the Max Webster and Kim Mitchell ratings.  Trevor enjoy the reviews of the writer, one Martin Popoff.  He commented to me, “This guy is pretty bang-on for most of them, but you have to read the Def Leppard and Rik Emmett reviews…hilarious, man.”

Trevor was right!  Ipso Facto by Rik Emmett was rated a 0/10, with a single sentence review:  “Man, don’t get me started.”  The book was hilarious and informative at the same time.  We all found it entertaining as well as useful.

When the book came around to me, I was really curious about this band called Budgie.  New fave band!  Eventually, I returned the book to Tom who passed it on to someone else, probably Uncle Meat.   Certain things always stuck in my head.  According to Popoff, I clearly needed more Thin Lizzy, so I began rectifying that with a box set.  He didn’t think much of Kiss, but I could understand this given his criteria, even if I disagreed.

I wished I owned a copy, and a year later I found one downtown at Encore Records, second hand.  Then a weird coincidence happened.  Just as I was craving another read, and was preparing to go downtown and buy a copy of Riff Kills Man, a regular customer of mine gave me his copy.  I don’t remember too much about this guy, except that he sold more than he bought.  He sold a lot of hard-to-find goth and punk stuff, and he always wore a jean jacket, and he strangely always smelled like fried eggs.  Since I can’t remember his name, I’ll call him Fried Eggs Man.

So Fried Eggs Man had been talking to me about the book, and passed it onto me free of charge.  I thought that was really cool of him.  The book too smells of fried eggs, and was coming apart.  I used Bounce dryer sheets to help out with the smell, and I painstakingly glued the pages back in with Elmer’s white glue.  I had to do some cover repair work as well, but the book is solid as a rock and has served me well for probably a decade and a half by now.

MARTIN POPOFF – Riff Kills Man! (1993 Power Chord Press, Toronto Ontario)

Martin Popoff, a writer for BW&BK magazine, is simply one of the  most knowledgeable metal fans out there. His record collection sounds like it’s to die for.  Riff Kills Man! is his first book, but today, he has an extensive bibliography of books that I consider among the best sources of rock information out there.  In fact, LeBrain himself relies heavily on Popoff’s teachings, and I will admit to consciously emulating him in my earlier reviews.

Riff Kills Man!, later supplanted by his more up to date and complete Collector’s Guides, is an album-by-album review of virtually every major metal record from its inception to 1992, all stuff which belonged to Popoff’s personal collection. He covers subgenres such as punk metal and grunge, and bands so obscure that you may never be able to find their albums. Rated from 1 to 10, with strict rules for rating, Riff Kills Man! gives you a great place to start when looking for something “new” to listen to. If it wasn’t for all the 9 and 10 star reviews in this book, I may never have started listening to Budgie, or Thin Lizzy, or Diamond Head.

His rating system is fairly complex, but for the most part, as objective as possible.  I don’t necessarily agree with all of the author’s opinions. For example, Popoff really dislikes a lot of pop rock and gives both Adrenalize and Hysteria by Def Leppard a big fat 0.  “An offensive kick in the head from the rock n’ roll bored room,” writes Popoff.   You may agree, but for me Hysteria is a classic record.  Regardless, he makes valid points that even the most staunch fan such as myself have to grudgingly agree with.

Popoff also tends to dislike live albums with meandering jams like many old Deep Purple recordings. He generally focuses on studio albums, avoiding most EPs and complitions.  So if you’re looking for complete reviews of, say, the numerous Thin Lizzy EPs, live releases and compilations, look elsewhere.

Martin ends the book with several lists and indexes:  Top desert island albums, top guitar players, vocalists, producers, you name it.  He also has a lot of unique categories all his own, such as best showman, best comeback, most consistent band, etc.  AC/DC are ranked as his #1 band in the category of worst album covers!

That aside, Riff Kills Man! was, for me, an essential and often hilarious piece of reading. Pick it up, and then move forward for some of Popoff’s more complete and more specialized books.  I keep mine in my desk at work at all times!

DISCLAIMER – Although it can be found used, this book is out of print.  I spoke to Martin Popoff once about this book, and he told me he finds it a bit embarrassing today.  I still think it’s awesome.

5/5 stars

Also recommended by Popoff:  His books on Sabbath, Rush, Rainbow, and Priest are definitive.  The best books on the market for those bands.

Part 20: I Believe In A Thing Called Love

I’m going to jump ahead.  My wife does not feature into the story until very close to the end, although she is a critical component to it.  I think it’s only fair that I introduce her early.   Jen has, shall we say…good but “flawed” taste in both music, and hockey teams.  (Take a guess which one.) 

RECORD STORE TALES PART 20:  I Believe In A Thing Called Love

When I met Jen in 2005, I knew I had met someone special.  I knew this was something I didn’t want to screw up.   I didn’t know one day we’d be married, but we might never have met if not for music.

It started with Stompin’ Tom.  I think I had told her that I had a stack of new movies, a huge bag of chips & a case of Red Bull, and was ready for the weekend or something.  She responded, “Sounds like you’re ready for a Sudbury Saturday Night.”  So right then and there, boom!  She was speaking my language.

Yes, Jen loves Stompin’ Tom.  I said she had flawed taste in music?  She still thinks Kurt Cobain is the greatest songwriter since John and Paul.  See what I mean?   Her favourite radio station is the grunge one on satellite radio.  I can only take so much grunge in my daily diet.

We bonded over a mutual love of the Beatles, Foo Fighters, Johnny Cash and the old school of country.  She was brought up on a steady diet of Beach Boys and oldies, where I had heard a lot of movie soundtracks and country music growing up.

There are some things I’ll never turn Jen onto.  I know that Kiss and Rush are a completely lost cause with her.  However, lemme tell you a lil’ secret that Jen doesn’t want people to know about.

One night we were coming home from a party at Lara’s house.  I was driving, and Jen had a couple drinks.  (She used to drink wine back then.)  We were coming back to my place after midnight on the 401.  I had Iron Maiden’s latest, A Matter of Life and Death, on the car stereo.  Jen was leaning back enjoying the drive, and then she sat up.

“Who are these guys?” she asked.

“This is Iron Maiden,” I responded.  The song playing was “For The Greater Good of God”, one of their more epic pieces.

I could tell she was really getting into it.  I kept glancing over at her.

“These guys…are…amazing!” she blurted out.  “This music is…wow!”

She claims to this day it was just the booze, but every once in a while, I play that song, and I catch her singing along.

Our wedding was pretty amazing.  For the ceremony itself, we had a Beatles theme.  The girls came in to an acoustic version of “Something” by George, solo.  We signed the register to “In My Life” by Johnny Cash.  We exited to “Here Comes the Sun”.  It was gorgeous outside.

My sister Kathryn played the cocktail hour at the reception with a jazz trio.  Her set ended with their rendition of John Williams’ “Cantina Band” from the first Star Wars!  Bass clarinet as the lead instrument, with guitar and drums backing…it was the perfect wedding version.

Into the dinner, I snuck in some Zappa (“Peaches En Regelia”) and some Kiss (“And Then She Kissed Me”)  We danced to more Beatles, tons of AC/DC, The Darkness, GN’R, and other good stuff.  I had the best music of any wedding I’ve ever been to.

And all because I have the best wife!

Part 19: The Rules (IRON MAIDEN – The First Ten Years box set gallery!)

RECORD STORE TALES Part 19:  The Rules

After a few years had gone by, there were too many damn rules to follow.  There were so many, we literally had books full of them, with new rules being added regularly.  It was pure insanity, because you had to remember some rule that was made (for example) 26 months ago.  Not to mention if you dug far enough back, you could find rules that contradicted each other.  It was like telling a dog to sit and come at the same time, you can’t do it.

One rule that stood firm was:  “Thou Shalt Not Buy Product From a Sister Store“.

We had a complex structure of locations, but under no circumstances could a staff member buy product from a store that had a different owner.  Their product was for their customers and not for us to pillage.  But, when one of those owners who was a friend, sees the Iron Maiden First Ten Years box set come in, they call you to tell you.  The rules meant nothing at that point.  There were greater goals at hand.

This ultra-rare box was issued in 1990, as 10 discs, all sold separately.  You could also get them on vinyl.  I recall seeing a few of them, on 12″ vinyl, at my local Sam The Record Man (run by the near-legendary Al King) during one of my many teenage record store excursions.

IMG_20140427_101356CDs are my preferred format today.  Collect all ten of the Maiden singles, and you could send away for the box that contains them.  Obviously, a complete set is a rare find.  This set came in complete, as is.  I still have the receipt.  I paid $135.99 on Oct 7, 2003.  (With taxes, $156.39.)

It was worth every penny, but it was also worth the shit I caught for buying it from another owner.  And did I get in shit for it!

At best, I was bending the rules.  At best!  I paid full price (no discount!), the owner himself rang it in, and he was happily on board with making a quick buck.  He even personally delivered it to Kitchener.  He could have simply said, “No”.  He didn’t.  Now, I take responsibility for my actions, but an owner has a lot more say in things than I do.  I didn’t deserve what happened next.

A higher-up stormed into my store, pulled me into the office, slammed the door, and yelled.   And yelled.  And pointed a lot, and yelled some more.

It was a weird feeling.  Here I was getting screamed at so much that the dogs could hear it 4 miles away, but also elated about my Iron Maiden find at the exact same time.  It was like I didn’t know if I should be happy or pissed off!  It’s like any time you see someone trying so hard not to smile.

I pulled it off.  I also owned the fucking Iron Maiden First Ten Years box set!

Their big argument was “It’s a bad example to the employees”.  But really, that wasn’t an issue.  No employees knew about it — not one! — until they made a big show of it by yelling at me in store!   The one that said I was a bad example, was the one who let the cat out of the bag.

I walked out of the office, head hanging, but then when out of sight, grinning ear to ear.  Of course the two people who overheard the whole thing asked about it afterwards.  Dandy Douche asked, “Do you think it was worth it?  Would you do it again?”  I said, “Absolutely.  But next time I’m wearing a beard and a moustache, the whole disguise, and buying it in person!”

Unfortunately I never had the chance to do that.  The Iron Maiden box set was one of the last big big items from my “holy grail list.” that came in.

Each disc contains two singles, plus an unreleased 10 minute interview with Nicko.  One on every disc.  They are called “Listen With Nicko!” parts I through X.  Well worth the money, Nicko is friggin’ hilarious.

FIRST TEN_0002All singles included are complete (except Maiden Japan), plus a “Listen With Nicko!” bonus track.  And again, you had to buy these all separately!   On import!  And according to the terms on the mail-in card, only UK residents could order the boxes to house the discs.  Another thing I found interesting was that you had to mail in all ten slips in order to get the box.  Whoever owned my box previously still has nine of his ten slips!  (I am missing #9, “Can I Play With Madness” / “The Evil That Men Do”.)  This can only make my box set rarer and more desirable to collectors.

DISC 1 – Running Free / Sanctuary

DISC 2 – Women In Uniform / Twilight Zone

DISC 3 – Purgatory / Maiden Japan

DISC 4 – Run to the Hills / The Number of the Beast

DISC 5 – Flight Of Icarus / The Trooper

DISC 6 – 2 Minutes to Midnight / Aces High

DISC 7 – Running Free (Live) / Run to the Hills (Live)

DISC 8 – Wasted Years / Stranger in a Strange Land

DISC 9 – Can I Play With Madness / The Evil That Men Do

DISC 10 – The Clairvoyant (Live) / Infinite Dreams (Live)

Click below to embiggen the brand new photo gallery!

 

And the old Nokia pics below: