Noirison: Chapter Two – A Tee Bone Man Multiverse Story (by Holen)

NOIRISON: Chapter One

A Tee Bone Man Multiverse Story

By Holen

 

I woke up to a piercing brightness. Artificial brightness. I sat up slowly, but felt cold steel tug me back down at the wrist. I rubbed my eyes with my free hand, and everything started to focus. I was in a hospital room, handcuffed to the bed. My old boss, Captain Mike Ladano, was sitting by the bed casually sipping a cup of what smelled like third rate coffee.

“Harrison. About damn time,” Ladano exclaimed, “happy to see me?” He rose from his chair and stood over me.

“Yeah. Seeing you in the morning gives me warm and fuzzy feelings. Like the good old days.”

“Morning?” he said incredulously. “You’ve been out for about fourteen hours, sport. It’s eight at night.”

A cursory glance at the clock, and the darkness out the window told me he wasn’t yanking my chain. I tugged at the handcuffs.

“Some new law about getting assaulted that I don’t know about?” I quipped.

“You’re a private dick now, Healey. Shouldn’t you know if there was some law like that on the books?”

“Cut the shit, Ladano. It’s been a long day or two.”

Mike displayed a twisted grin. He always got a kick out of me breaking his balls, because he knew that he was the one that ultimately held all the power in our relationship. He took a perverse pleasure in it.

“There’s no law about getting assaulted, but there’s an old one about being an accomplice to kidnapping. It’s typically frowned upon by polite society,” he revealed.

“Kidnapping? What are you going on about?”

He picked up a manilla envelope from the chair, pulled out a photo, and tossed it on my stomach. It was the picture of Savannah that Snow had given me back at his office.

“Savannah Severny. 18 years old. Of course you already knew that, didn’t you?”

“Get to the point,” I urged.

“A witness saw her being dragged into a van by some brute around 4 am this morning. No one’s seen her or heard anything since. We showed up and found you lying in the parking lot with a busted head, and a picture that fits the witness’ description of the victim in your jacket.”

“You searched me while I was out?” I asked indignantly.

“Just doin’ my job, Healey. It was suspicious looking, you have to admit. I did a thorough search of your body. Mine’s bigger by the way.”

“What?” I was taken aback.

He pulled out my .45 and threw it on the bed.

“My gun. It’s bigger. More firepower,” he taunted. He reached into his pocket and came up with a key. He freed me of the handcuffs, and I rubbed my sore wrist instinctively.

Cutting to the chase, he blurted, “Look, I didn’t come here to compare pricks. We both know who would come out on top anyway. I know you didn’t have nothin’ to do with that kidnapping, but I needed to keep you here so I could ask you something. What the fuck is going on?”

“If I find out, you’ll be the first to know.”

Mike grew impatient, “Don’t give me that bullshit, Harrison. You did the best investigative police work on the force. I don’t buy for a second you don’t know shit about this girl, you Aussie bastard!”

“Look, I just got hired to find her last night,” I stated.

“You get hired to find her and then she really disappears? Ironic. Who’s the client?” he asked.

“I’m not at liberty to discuss that. You know I’m bound by confidentiality,” I reminded him. Clearly not what he wanted to hear, he hastily charged over to the bed and grabbed me by the shirt.

“Fuck confidentiality you dingo dicked dickhead! There’s an 18 year old out there missing! Her family hasn’t heard from her in months, and the first news they get is that she’s missing! What do you know you koala humping fuck bag? Who the fuck wanted you to find her, and why?”

“For Christ’s sake, Mike. She’s just two-bit a whore!” I yelled.

Bang. A swift smack upside the head. I saw stars. That’d be the third time I had my bell rung in under twenty four hours. My skull had to resemble the Liberty Bell at this point. I looked up at Mike, and saw the fire in his eyes dissipate. He looked down at his hand, appearing ashamed. He gently let go of me.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled. He turned away.

“Me too,” I assured him. I had spoken out of turn. I’d forgotten about his first case as head detective years ago. It concerned a blonde that looked a lot like Savannah. She ran out on her folks at 17, got mixed up with the wrong people, and OD’d on horse at age 19. He called in to respond to her overdose. The years hadn’t jaded him enough to be completely numb to such a thing yet. He roughed up the paramedics at the scene, kept injecting adrenaline into her, but it was too late. He almost lost his badge that day for behavior unbecoming of an officer, but the Chief cut him some slack considering the circumstances. Ladano had never been the same since. These days he looked like something that had been rode hard and put away wet. This Savannah case had to hit close to home for him. He slowly turned back to me.

“You really don’t know anything?” he sighed.

“She was in the middle of shooting a movie,” I offered. “That’s all I can really say at this point.”

“Skin flick?” he asked.

“No, I don’t think so. It was for a big production company. Now that’s really all I can say. I shouldn’t even be telling you that, and you didn’t hear it from me.”

“Gotcha. Thanks for your cooperation.”

“Next time don’t cuff me to the bed like street scum if you wanna talk,” I said sarcastically, “just stop by the office. Why do people seem to be so averse to that?”

Ladano half-heartedly chuckled. He walked over to the door, but turned back around for one more wisecrack.

“What the hell happened to you, Healey? If you’d have kept your nose clean, you’d be in my position now. Now look at you.”

“I think I’m doin’ alright, all things considered,” I retorted, “I never was good at respecting the pecking order. Being my own boss was the only way to go.”

“Is that so?” he replied.

“Gives me the freedom to do what I need to for justice without the accountability,” I admitted.

“I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear that,” he grinned. “Take care, Harrison.” He walked out as I saw his silhouette disappear down the hall. Just as soon as he left, a voluptuous nurse strutted in the door carrying a tray of pills. She was a stunningly beautiful Hispanic woman, effortlessly iridescent.

“Ah, Mr. Healey. How long have you been awake?”

“Long enough to hope those pills could put a horse out. I’ve got a high tolerance,” I confessed.

“Do you have a history of drug or alcohol abuse?” she asked with concern.

“Not if it keeps you from giving me those pain pills,” I joked. I winced in pain as a sharp sensation shot through my brain. “Come on, lady. My head feels like someone’s driving a spike through it.”

She gave me a glance like a stern librarian, the naughty kind. I flashed her a facetious pleading look of helplessness. With my face, it was irresistible. She grinned, rolled her eyes, and handed me the pills.

“Thank you,” I gratefully said. I popped the two pills into my mouth, downed the small cup of water, and stood up from the bed. “You got anything that will keep me awake on these things? I need to be sharp.” She sensually placed her hands on my chest, motioning for me to lie back down.

“I’m not a dealer, Mr. Healey. Now please, lie down.”

“I have a job to do. A young girl’s life may be in jeopardy,” I said stoically. “Guess I’ll have to get some uppers on the street.”

“That’s not funny,” she said, retracting her hands.

“You’re right. I guess I’ve used up all my good will here. I’ll be checking out now.”

“That’s inadvisable in your condition, Mr. Healey,” she warned.

“I’ve been worse. Trust me,” I assured her.

I began to leave the room, each step making all my muscles ache in tandem. I hoped those pills would kick in soon. Just as I was about to reach the hall, I turned around to look at the nurse one last time.

“I’ll look you up sometime,” I wryly promised. Her disappointed expression turned to one of erotic amusement.

“What makes you think I want you to?” she teased.

“What makes you think I care if you do?” I jested. The air seemed to moisten almost instantly. The woman had become a human humidifier.

She ripped off a piece of paper from my chart, produced a pen, scribbled on it, and then seductively strolled over to me, placing her body centimeters from mine, her feminine pheromones massaging my nostrils. She slowly placed the piece of paper in the front pocket of my pants, brushing her hand slowly against my inner leg as she pulled out.

“My name’s Milena. Call me sometime, Mr. Healey,” she whispered.

“Call me Harrison, and I’ll give you a ring when I’m free,” I cooly replied.

I winked and left the room. I heard her try to hide a groan when I had made some distance down the hall. I’d have to remember to call her when I was finished with the case. The way business had been before it, I figured I’d have plenty of time to do so. Of course, the way business had been during this case, it was more likely I’d be her patient again before I had the chance. That wasn’t important though. Savannah was out there somewhere, afraid, having who knows what done to her.

The lady at the desk stopped me and gave me a message. Someone had called for me here. There was no name, just a number. I had a pretty good idea who it was, but how did he know where I was?

I headed downstairs to a payphone and dialed the number. It rang once, and before I had a chance to say anything, Snow was already asking questions.

“Mr. Healey. Have you made any progress?”

“I got another concussion,” I joked.

“Most unfortunate, but I mean in Savannah’s case,” he said, unamused.

“She’s been kidnapped,” I informed him.

“What? That’s horrible! When?” he panicked.

“Last night. She was working at some strip joint, and a big guy threw her in a van when she got off. Nobody’s heard anything since,” I relayed.

“Is there a ransom demand? If there’s a ransom demand, tell them I’ll pay it. Whatever it takes to get her back, I’ll do it!” he exclaimed.

“Take a breath, Snow. I said nobody’s heard anything. And you don’t kidnap a stripper for ransom money. Unless somehow they knew she was connected with you,” I realized as I spoke. “What’s the nature of your relationship with Savannah? Clearly she’s not just another actress to you. What’s going on?”

“I don’t think that’s relevant to your case, Mr. Healey,” Snow curtly rebutted.

“That’s for me to decide, Snow. I’m the P.I., remember?” I reminded him.

“Call me when you have something, Healey,” he spat, hanging up. Rich bastard. This case was starting to stink worse than closing time at a 12 hour fish market. I needed to find Savannah, fast. Problem being, I was fresh out of leads. I decided to head back to the strip joint for a chat with the owner and a few of her pole dancing companions. This time, I was going to be extra vigilant. I wasn’t sure how much more pressure my noggin could sustain in such a short period of time. Luckily, my .45 usually kept even the most violence prone individuals civil enough for a brief discussion. I signed out of the hospital, walked out the doors, felt the cool January air on my skin, and began my walk to the strip joint. My muscles didn’t ache with my steps anymore. Pills must be kickin’ in. Hallelujah.

TO BE CONTINUED…

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

 

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

Thanks Bop! Receiver working again!

A big thanks to Boppin, who got my 7.1 surround sound receiver working again.

“What’s the make and model?” he asked.

I squinted and shone a light with my phone.

“Denon AVR-1910,” I emailed back.

He responded with two possible solutions.  One of which was simple:  a reset back to factory settings.

I asked what good that would do?  I was sure it wasn’t a settings issue.  Bop said that sometimes these things go into a “protected mode” after a power surge.  OK, that’s reasonable.

After returning home, I did a factory reset, and reconnected everything.  (I also replaced the cables in the troubleshooting process.)

Suddenly, everything came back to life!  Audio, video – all working again.

THANK YOU BOP FOR SAVING ME A LOT OF MONEY!

The Writer’s Room: Return of the Snowman

Continued from The Writer’s Room:  New Year’s Grieve!

 

“Hey guys,” said Mike as he entered the Writer’s Room.  The sullen faces of Harrison, Aaron, and the Metal Man looked back at him.  Missing, however, was their companion John Snow.  How should Mike begin?

“How should I begin?” he asked rhetorically.  “Last time we all met up, our friend John T. Snow was kidnapped through a multiversal portal.  You all saw it.  It was like our stories come to life.”

There was muttering around the table.  Troubled muttering from the smaller group of friends.  It was Harrison who brought the table to order.

“I don’t understand,” he said with unusual worry in his voice.  “It was as if my own Lego art had come to life.  The orange portal.  It opened right behind John.  Then I saw a pair of hands snatch him away as he screamed for help.”

“I saw it too,” said Aaron.  “I still can’t believe my eyes.”

“Nor I mine,” agreed the Metal Man.  “I am worried about the fabric of our reality.”

“What’s the latest report from the police?” asked Harrison of Mike.

“Where do I begin…again?” signed Mike.  “Both Canadian and American police forces are still looking at all of us as suspects.  They have the video footage from Holen’s webcam.  They all saw what happened.  They just don’t believe it.  And I can’t blame them.  To them, all they know is an American citizen walked into this room and never walked out.  And we were the only people to witness it.”

As if on cue, Holen’s monitor came to life.  As usual, his image was distorted and noisy, but that only added to his sense of mystique.

“Hey guys,” he greeted the table.  “Sorry I’m late.  I’ve been working and I have news.”

“Holen, thank goodness, please, tell us,” said Mike to the screen.

“Well,” began Holen, “I have done some digging around the Dark Web, and I can tell you something very interesting.  These orange portals…it was not an isolated incident.  There are 14 reports from 11 different countries, of similar phenomenon.  A bright, orange, circular portal opens and someone or something emerges from the other side.  Now, this is where the reports start to differ wildly and we must be scrutinous.  Some people reported robots coming through.  Others saw Satan himself.  One guy claimed that Elvis, Bruce Lee and Liberace were on the other side, drinking margaritas.  I think we can discount that one.  But here’s the thing guys.  Five of the reports could be interpreted to include characters from our stories.  I’m not kidding.”

There were gasps.  A few jaws on the floor.

“Go on Holen.  Which characters?” asked Metal Man.

“Satan is one.  The robot is two – relating to a story that Harrison and Mike are writing.  Tommy Lee appears in one report, that’s three.  A monster resembling our parademons was sketched by another witness.  And finally…finally…”  Holen paused.  “Well, see for yourself.”  Holen put the image from the report on the screen.

“That’s…that’s…” said Mike in awe.

“Yes.  It is.  A clean-shaven Harrison Kopp,” finished Holen.  “Just like our character of Shinzon.  A character we invented.  Or rather, a character Mike invented.  And now here he is in a portal report from, you guessed it, Australia.”

“Impossible!” said Mike, pounding his fist on the table in frustration.  “Impossible!”

“But there it is,” said a solemn Holen.

The usual stoic Harrison was rattled.  He was clearly shaken by the image before him.  He hadn’t seen himself clean shaven since he was a child.  He hardly recognized himself…but he did.

“I elect we shut down the Adventures of Tee Bone Man immediately,” said Harrison, very quietly.  “This has gotten out of hand.  We are meddling with powers greater than that dreamed of in our philosophy.  If what we are writing becomes real…well, it’s all over.”

Mike turned white as a ghost.

“Harrison…it’s not real.  He’s not real.  The Eater of Worlds.  He’s not real,” cautioned Mike.

“But what if he is?” asked Harrison without a hint of rhetoric.  “We have to consider the possible.”

Aaron raised his hands.  “Excuse me.  Who’s the Eater of Worlds?”

“He’s the Big Bad at the end of the Multiverse Saga of Tee Bone Man,” answered Mike.  “We stole a character from another franchise to be our villain behind everything.”

“Like Galactus?” asked Aaron.

“Like Galactus, yes,” answered Mike.  “But he’s not real.  He’s a character they invented back in the mid-80’s to sell toys to kids.  He’s not real!”

“But if he was…” said Harrison in the most ominous voice anyone had ever heard from him, “…he would be our ultimate doom.”

Mike got a shiver up his back.  But it was impossible.  They were just a group of friends, making up a story.  None of it was real.  In real life, Tee Bone was just a guy, a nice guy who didn’t fly or battle dragons.  John T. Snow…was just a guy who collected music; he wasn’t an eccentric billionaire.  How could these characters they were writing about be appearing in real life places?

Metal Man spoke in a calm, rational voice.  “It could be these are all just coincidences.  I think for now, we should discount them, and return our focus to the search for John Snow.  Has anyone resembling him or Richard Dreyfuss appeared in your searches, Holen?”

“I hadn’t thought of searching for Dreyfuss sightings.  Let me run a few keywords,” said the image on the monitor.

Aaron sat silent, solemnly waiting.  Not a single “Wahoo!” or “Give’r!” from him this time.  He then spoke.  “I have to be honest, I’m more worried about John than I am of the suspicious cops, thinking we did it.  We didn’t, and there’s no evidence.  We’ll be fine.  But John…I saw him disappear!  Before my eyes!  I’ve never seen anything like it and I hope he’s OK.”

Suddenly Holen spoke.  “Guys…we just had a Dreyfuss sighting.”  Holen pointed from his screen, to a point behind the men sitting at the table.  They all turned, and looked.

“Hi guys,” said a voice as a man stepped out of an orange portal.  “I’m back!”

The Richard Dreyfuss lookalike waved and smiled.  The orange portal closed behind.  John T. Snow was back!

TO BE CONTINUED…

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

 

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

Metal Roger’s Top 5 Albums for a batsh*t crazy 2023

TOP FIVE OF 2023 BY METAL ROGER

Hey, Metal Roger here (holy shit, I have way too many nicknames)!  My picks for 2023 tell a bit of a story about my year. What a batshit crazy year it was. Each month had crazier shit than the last.  These albums helped me get through this crazy year.  Here’s my list of my favourite albums of 2023

#5. Blink 182 – One More Time

Blink 182 is a bucket list band of mine.  I’m finally seeing them in 2024.  I love this album.  It sounds like a Blink-of-old album.  It also sounds like an evolved version of Blink.  When the “One More Time” single was released, boy did everyone cry.  What a beautiful message behind the song. Whoever is reading my words right now — Hey, if you have friends or family that you care about, and you haven’t talked to them in awhile for whatever reason, don’t wait for something shitty to happen tell them you love them and how much they mean.

#4. Better Lovers – God Made Me An Animal

It’s an EP, but it’s my rules.  The Dillinger Escape Plan and Every Time I Die had a baby — I HAVE to mention this.  Good God does this kick ass.  “God Made Me An Animal” makes you wanna run through a wall and punt the first person you see across the room. I can’t wait for the full length to come out in 2024, and throw around more heavy weights while it’s on.  [Roger lifts weights – Mike]

#3. Sleep Token – Take Me Back to Eden

You either love these guys or cannot stand them, to the point you would rather listen to Nickelback.  Just kidding — nothing is that bad.  This album makes zero sense.  The songs are made in the most random ways you can possibly conceive in your brain.  There’s singing, there’s eletronic parts, there’s heavy-as-hell something out of a death metal album parts, and there’s even jazzy parts. The vocalist Vessel is an awesome singer, who should be applauded for his vocals. Seriously, i have no idea why i enjoyed this so much because its out there. I bet Harrison the Unicorn loves this album.  It’s that out there.

#2. Beartooth – The Surface

Speaking of demons. This might be the first CD ever to make me wanna cry.  The lyrics — holy shit do they ever resonate with me. At the time of my life that I listened to this album, I NEEDED to hear lyrics like these. A little background about me is that I could have had everything in my life that I wanted and more, but I decided I would let my demons drive for awhile. When I first heard the song “Riptide”, I cried. Then when I listened to it again, I said to myself its finally time to let go and become something people are proud of. Enough is enough. No more excuses no more saying I’m back, only to fall down again. Then when I heard the whole album I thought, “Holy shit, this is exactly how I’m feeling right now.” That it’s time to rise. “When I Was Alive” is the perfect way to end this album. It has the lyrics:

Not gonna be on my deathbed
Knowing I’ll be buried in regret
Thinkin’ ’bout the things I never did
While I’m taking my last breath
No need to fear the end
‘Cause I’ll know I didn’t just live
When I die, I’ll know I didn’t just live
I was alive, I’ll know I didn’t just live
I was alive, live
Not gonna be on my deathbed
Wondering why I was always scared
To say those words I never said
To the ones I loved while I was there
When I die, I’ll know I didn’t just live.

There’s so many things times I’ve held myself back because of fears or taking chances. No more holding myself back. 2024 will be the year this koi swims up the river and becomes a dragon. I want my wife to meet the true me. That song woke me the fuck up.  If I wasn’t so biased towards Metallica, this likely would be number 1.

#1. Metallica – 72 Seasons

If you have watched some of the shows I’ve been on (for whatever crazy reason), you would know my love for Metallica has no bounds. Actually, it does.  St. Anger is garbage, and Lulu is some kind of alien abomination that should have never been created. If you take this CD for what it is, it’s a great hard rock/NWOBHM-inspired love letter in my opinion.  “Lux Æterna”  (I’m not doing that stupid font, Mike you do it!):  Very Diamond Head-ish.  “Inamorata” is a Black Sabbath sound-alike to me. The lyrics on this album are both dark and uplifting. To me it tells a story of a man that had demons from his father abandoning him, and eventually fighting back his demons, realizing he’s not too far gone, and not needing the pain and misery to keep carrying on. Maybe I’m reading it wrong, but it sure helped me get through a beyond crazy situation, that whenever I tell people they yell “What the fuck!”  Thank you Metallica for helping me keep pushing through this year

Honorable mentions:  some heavy shit

Unearth – The Wretched; The Ruinous
Fires In The Distance – Air Not Meant For Us
Cattle Decapitation – Terrasite

 

Wimpy’s to the Rescue!

On Friday night, shortly after Grab A Stack of Rock concluded, the city of Kitchener was hit with a power outage and a surge to match!  Jen and I called it an early night and hit the sheets around 9:30.  We hoped the power would be back later in the night, but no such luck.

I woke shortly after 5:00 AM to discover  that the city’s power was restored, but our building had an electrical issue.  I called the appropriate numbers to report it and hoped for the best.

By 7:00 AM I was restless.  It was too dark to read a book, and all my devices were running out of power.  Even my headlight affixed to my toque!  (Which was a life saver by the way, thanks mom and dad.)  I woke Jen up and we went out in the cold icy rain to charge our devices in the car, and make our way down the street to Wimpy’s diner for some hot food.  Neither of us had a proper meal before the lights went out.

I had the omelette with all the fixings.  Jen had three eggs with four sausage links and a pancake.  It hit the spot.

Upon our return, power had just been restored!  My laptop was charging again and my PC was undamaged from the surge.

My 7.1 receiver unfortunately…it may have bit the dust.  It doesn’t seem to be receiving any signals…or maybe it’s not putting out any.  I’m not sure how to diagnose this thing but I think it’s dead.

But we survived the first big storm of 2024 with determination on our faces and food in our bellies.  Thanks Wimpy’s!

 

Too Much Music? Grab A Stack of Mike’s CD Collection

How much music constitutes too much music?  This was a question I asked rhetorically during the recording of this 50 minute episode of Grab A Stack of Rock.  It is clear, whatever the number is, I have hit it and then some.

We had an interesting show and tell tonight, including the below:

  • Stir of Echoes, a 2008 band of Ray D’Auria’s (Mystique)
  • A Harem Scarem box set
  • A Max Webster box set
  • A defective Black Sabbath CD
  • An Iron Maiden bootleg with Blaze Bayley
  • Some gifts from Rob Daniels
  • White Snake
  • A Def Leppard bootleg
  • Some Rush and some jazz
  • Japanese import Deep Purple
  • Promo DLR
  • Deluxe Foo Fighters
  • Alice Cooper
  • Greta Van Fleet
  • A gift from Kevin Simister
  • A lot, lot, lot, of sealed Marillion
  • An avalanche!

This pre-recorded episode was an experiment and I think it went very well.  I was able to interact via the comments on YouTube and we had a lively discussion on the side.

While I will always prefer going live, these shorter solo shows will offer an alternative way of making it through the cold snowy winter together.  Thanks for watching and dropping the comments.  This was fun!

Next week will be a re-run, but Mike and the Mad Metal Man will be back on January 26 with John Snow and Tim Durling to show off music DVDs.  Then, on February 2, Marco D’Auria will be back to talk about the new 95 minute version of the Mystique movie that has been getting glowing accolades at festivals.  These will both be live shows and I hope you can join us!

Too Much Music? Grab A Stack of Mike’s CD Collection Tonight!

GRAB A STACK OF ROCK With Mike and the Mad Metal Man

Episode 47:  Too Much Music?

A must-watch for fans of Harem Scarem, Marillion, Deep Purple/Whitesnake, and the CD format!

Trying something different tonight.  Regular viewers know the original concept of the show (courtesy of Uncle Meat) was to just “grab a stack of rock” and talk about it.  Strangely enough, we never really just grabbed a random stack of discs from my collection to go through them.   So that’s what I did this time!  Instead of going live, I recorded this episode ahead of time.  It took 45 minutes to go through a stack and a half of neglected CDs from my collection.  It’s my first solo show in a couple years.

What may shock and appall you is how many discs from these stacks are unplayed and unopened.  Too much music?  I believe this episode makes a case for that.

I also unboxed a surprise care package from Marco D’Auria (The Contrarians) and what a cool surprise it was.

Tune in tonight at 7:00 PM at the regular places!

Friday January 12 at 7:00 P.M. E.S.T. / 8:00 P.M. Atlantic.   Enjoy on YouTube or on Facebook!

REVIEW: Arkells – Apple Music Home Session (2022 EP)

ARKELLS – Apple Music Home Session (2022 iTunes EP)

The Arkells have a number of download-only live EPs on iTunes.  The most recent one is 2022’s Apple Music Home Session which boasts three tunes:  Two from their Blink Twice album, and one exclusive cover.  And damn, you won’t believe what they covered!

The EP opens with a laid back, horn-laden “Reckoning” from Blink Twice.  The horns on this song are the real candy.  Rolling low and punching high, Arkells usage of horns is very effective.  And the chorus kick!  “Blink twice! There’s gonna be a reckoning!” croons Max Kerman on this irresistible hit.  Drummer Tim Oxford thunders out a smooth groove punctuated by his unusual kick drum pattern.  This is how pop rock should be – musically inventive with impressive playing.  This is how the Arkells do it.

Track two is “Past Life” performed just by the Arkells, and not with the Cold War Kids as on the Blink Twice album.  It’s a little tougher in this guise, with a lot more texture, dynamics and unexpected instrumentation.  Mike DeAngelis’ guitar break is tasty as hell and Max Kerman handles all the lead vocals himself.  This could end up being your preferred version of the song.

The big surprise is the cover:  “Gimme Gimme Gimme (A Man After Midnight)” by ABBA!  Max doesn’t swap genders for the lyrics, just as it should be!   The horn section delivers a good chunk of the melodies, but Anthony Carone perfectly duplicates the main keyboard hook.  Meanwhile, bassist Nick Dika lays down the funk in a flawless groove.  Dika gets a cool groovin’ spotlight moment just before the understated sax solo.  That leaves Kerman to deliver the indelible chorus, which he unflinchingly succeeds at.  Let’s face it, ABBA were extraordinary songwriters and “Gimme Gimme Gimme” is one of their all-time best.  The Arkells version is an undisputed triumph.

5/5 stars

  1. Reckoning (4:22)
  2. Past Life (3:55)
  3. Gimme Gimme Gimme (A Man After Midnight) (4:06)
    Arkells, the Beaches & July Talk

ARKELLS

  1. Jackson Square (2008)
  2. Michigan Left (2011)
  3. High Noon (2014)
  4. Morning Report (2017)
  5. Rally Cry (2018)
  6. Campfire Chords (2020)
  7. Blink Once (2021)
  8. Blink Twice (2022)
  9. Laundry Pile (2023)

…and more to come

REVIEW: Arkells – Blink Twice (2022)

ARKELLS – Blink Twice (2022 Universal)

Blink Once was a surprising pleasure.  Given how far the Arkells have sailed through the seas of rock, pop and blues, they seemed to be content circling ’round various genres of pop now.  Experimenting with hip-hop vibes, soulful backing vocals, dance beats and loops, the Arkells still managed to keep catchy guitar hooks as part of the mix thanks to Mike DeAngelis.  The bass thump of Nick Dika is still there, while Tim Oxford refuses to play anything simple on the drums.  Max Kerman’s lyrics still bite, but Anthony Carone’s keyboards now make up a large share of the hooks.  It’s still rock, but definitely far removed from their first track on their first album.  Blink Twice is largely composed of short songs, none reaching four minutes, and over half featuring guest performers from the world of pop.

Blink Twice opens seamlessly, exactly where Blink Once left off:  “Last Night I Heard ‘Em Sing” closed the former, a brief snippet of the latter’s opener “Reckoning”.

“Blink twice!” announces Max.  “There’s gonna be a reckoning!”

Strings, horns and thick backing vocals adorn this soulful rock song.  An instant classic.  Though far more vague than past political songs, it’s clear that Max is taking shots at the upper crust.  “It’s a drop drop in the bucket for you, becomes a knock knock on your ocean view.”

Though Max warns of a reckoning, track two brings this back home to more personal topics.  “Past Life” is a duet with Nathan Willett of California’s Cold War Kids, a band I’ve never heard of before.  The two work well together with distinctly different voices and styles, singing the same melody.  Mike DeAngelis provides a nice thick guitar hook that the song orbits, but this is upper echelon pop rock. One lyric that sticks out is when Nathan sings “Feel like Bob Dylan’s son, always in the shadows.”  Elsewhere,  Max proclaims “I’m a little Wallflower, singing ‘One Headlight’.”  Jakob Dylan did deserve stardom, but the line “I’ve gotta find my own way to write a song,” seems misplaced.  The Arkells sound like they’ve mastered that already.

“Take Back Everything” has an older-school Arkells sound.  This brings us back to the Morning Report days, perhaps the band’s finest hour.  It’s important to listen to all the instruments and hear what each member of the band brings to the table.  From day one, the bass has provided interesting textures and it’s still doing that here, while Mike DeAngelis explores his fretboard for new melodic compliments.

Hip-hop rears its head a lil’, on “Human Being”, a duet with Canadian electronica star Lights.  Her vocals are sublime, but the chorus of “I’m just a fuckin’ human being,” doesn’t quite hit the spot.  The song has its moments, including a catchy keyboard melody by Anthony Carone.  It’s a shorty, over in just 2:34.  We know the Arkells love Drake and that whole genre, but if I am going to have rap in my musical diet, “Human Being” isn’t so bad.

For duets, the high point of this album is the ballad “Teenage Tears” featuring Tegan and Sara.  Not a duo I have heard before, but of course every Canadian knows who Tegan and Sara are.  The twins sing as one here on a delicate ballad that boils tension and exhaustion together into a nourishing audio broth.  Too much metaphor?  Well you describe it, then. All I can tell you is that “Teenage Tears” is a classic; it hits you fast and doesn’t let go. You feel its familiar warmth immediately.  It’s a “greatest hit” if you ever wanna compile one.  The haunting music video is filmed in an empty mall, which certainly reminds of the pandemic days.

“Miracle” marks the midpoint of the album and the last song on side one.  It blends the bluesy bent of their early albums with modern production.  There’s guitar crunch but also the loopy melodic plinky bits that are popular in music today.  Pretty good song, but it ends abruptly, and is surrounded by superior material.

“Nowhere to Go” crashes the party, opening side two with an upbeat pop rocker like the Arkells are prone to do.  Wesley Schultz is the singer from the Lumineers dueting with Max, and their voices just add a little texture and variety to a song that otherwise might have got lost in the shuffle of similar bangers.  However, the sax solo by Jake Clemons is a jumper!  Nephew of Clarence, and member of the E-Street Band today, you know what you are in for.  Just hit the “back” button a little bit and play that sax solo one more time!  It has the exact same energy as classic Springsteen.

The biggest left turn is “Dance With You”, a pure disco song with lots of guests.  American pop duo Aly and AJ provide the backing vocals.  Surprisingly, the song is bilingual:  half in French!  Max sings in both English and French, while Québecois crooner Cœur de Pirate (Béatrice Martin) provides a breathy French counterpart.  Her vocals stand out for being so different.  By all means, give it a listen.  The Arkells have never been afraid of taking a step too far, and for some this may be it, while others may joyfully embrace every beat.   La plus grande surprise s’agit de “Dance With You”, une chanson disco pure avec de nombreux invités. Le duo pop américain Aly et AJ assurent les chœurs. Étonnamment, la chanson est bilingue: la moitié est en français! Max chante en anglais et en français, tandis que la crooner Québecoise Cœur de Pirate (Béatrice Martin) fournit un homologue français époustouflant. Sa voix se distingue par sa différence. Bien sûr, écoutez-le. Les Arkells n’ont jamais eu peur d’aller trop loin, et pour certains c’est peut-être le cas, tandis que d’autres peuvent embrasser avec joie chaque battement.*

There is even a dance remix called “Danser avec toi” available on an iTunes single, with more lyrics in French and more instrumental grooves.

“Running Scared” is another ballad, but completely different from “Teenage Tears”.  Laid back sax and an easy tempo render a song for the night time.  It’s immediately followed by an upbeat pop rocker:  “Something’s Gotta Give” featuring Joel Plasket.  As we race towards the close, this catchy singalong serves as one last blast-off before we face the end.  “Blink once!” announces Joel.  “Then I black out!  Blink twice, ’til we cash out.”  It’s just a party tune.  But something’s gotta give…

“Lost my guitar, lost my keys, lost my favourite pair of jeans…”  The finale “Floating Like” is about all those things that bring us down…but then that upbeat soul chorus hits and it’s like, “who cares!”  There’s a cool “These Eyes” kind of vibe coming from the piano, but the chorus is pure soul.  Sunshine and breezy days in the form of song.  “Now I’m feeling weightless, like I’m gonna make it!” says Max.  This is a song to help get you there.

Blink Twice is another triumph.  Completing the Blink duology with an album full of duets seemed uneven considering the first album only had one.  Instead, both albums do sound cohesive when played together, but the duets on Blink Twice seem to allow the album to build towards something.  Towards a conclusion.  A hopeful conclusion.  After the pandemic weighed so heavily on us all, music was (and still is) a reflection on what we endured.  Blink Once and Twice might be played together as a soundtrack from those days.  While both albums are strong, diverse, pop-centric and experimental, Blink Twice is the climax.

4/5 stars

* Thank you Jex Russell for translation!

 

ARKELLS

  1. Jackson Square (2008)
  2. Michigan Left (2011)
  3. High Noon (2014)
  4. Morning Report (2017)
  5. Rally Cry (2018)
  6. Campfire Chords (2020)
  7. Blink Once (2021)
  8. Blink Twice (2022)
  9. Laundry Pile (2023)

…and more to come

REVIEW: Arkells – Blink Once (2021)

“Blink Once is about resilience. It’s about grieving with loss and fall outs and finding your way back. The making of the album began before the pandemic, but the material seems to hit harder after everything we’ve been through over the past 18 months. These songs are about finding comfort in your family, community and music.” – Arkells

 

ARKELLS – Blink Once (2021 Universal)

Blink Once is the album on which you can definitively say the Arkells transitioned from a rock band to a pop band.  Historically this is the kind of move that earned my wrath, but I’m a lot more chill about it now.  Opening your ears to new kinds of music can’t hurt you, and you may in fact find that you like what your eardrums are beating into you.  When you already love the singer, the drummer, and the other musicians, it’s a lot easier to make that leap.

And Max Kerman is one hell of a singer.

Rather than review in track order, I thought I’d start with what I think is the best song and the clear highlight of Blink Once.  The single “All Roads” is stunning.  Just have a look at its music video, shot by drone over a local landmark:  the Devil’s Punchbowl in Hamilton Ontario.  The band members all make appearances as the drone flies overhead and then zooms down for their closeups.  It’s a remarkable video fitting a very special song.  (I forgive Max Kerman for being in his shorts-and-gym-socks phase.)

You couldn’t name a price,
You couldn’t buy me off,
Don’t need to read my mind,
There’s only one thing that I want,
All roads will lead me to back you.

Don’t let the opening bloops and blips of programmed music fool you.  Once the guitars kick in, the song takes off just like the drone in the video.  Soaring through the clouds on muscular wings of melody, “All Roads” is nothing short of a masterpiece.  “All Roads” sounds like a #1 pop hit from 1988, with the production values of today.  Those “huh!” backing vocals are absolutely from the 80s.  It’s cinematic, as if it came from one of the great romance movies of the decade.   This song is huge and impossible to forget.

Incidentally, I like the production on the lead vocals.  It’s as if you can hear the room that Max is singing in, instead of being uber-bright and clean.

Fortunately, the album is stacked with memorable material.  The opener “Liberation” boasts catchy verses over programmed beats and synths, but then breaks into a chorus that sounds Caribbean in original.  After this, a massive drum beat maintains a tenuous link with rock music.

One of the big singles was “You Can Get It” with American Doc-boot-stompin’ singer and rapper K.Flay (Kristine Flaherty).  She has an interesting breathy style, but this is the song that requires the biggest listener adjustment.  The horn section helps, as does the entertaining “Wheel of Fortune” music video.  Really, it’s all about the horn section.  Live, I’m sure that “I don’t give a fuck, tell me what you want, you can get it!” part is fun to sing along to.  On album, it’s all the horns!

One of my complaints about the prior album Rally Cry was that didn’t have any truly sad tear jerkers, emotional songs that just make you break down.  Blink Once returns to that territory with “Strong”.  This is a song I can relate to — staying strong for members of your family.  “Here’s the rules:  stay strong for me, and I’ll stay strong for you.”  Most poignantly, as I remember the summer of 2018 (that summer that never was):  “Summer is here but it’s sleeping away, why would we want to miss a good day?”  Chills, tears, you name it:  they’re all here.

A short acoustic interlude of “Liberation” called “Little Moments” makes you wish for a full-on acoustic version.  This transitions to a necessary party song called “One Thing I Know”.  A good time piano bopper with samples and loops, like many Arkells songs, the chorus is as big as the sky is wide.  A more beat-driven song called “Truce” follows, with slinky horns again delivering the hooks.  The lyrics are as relatable as always:  “We both say that we fucked up, can we call a truce?”

One of the more interesting songs is “Nobody Gets Me Like You Do”, which seems to relate lyrically to other songs.  The line “I’ll follow you down any road” recalls “All roads will lead be back to you”.  The words “But you’d tell me straight if I fucked up,” bring us back to the previous song.  Most importantly, it’s another melodic summer champion, gliding on mighty wings of pop music.  The saxophone solo is right out of 1985.  You can almost visualise the sunglasses, colourful tee-shirts under white suits, and deck shoes (no socks).  Another album highlight.

“Swing Swing Swing” is one of the only album mis-steps.  It starts with what sounds like studio outtake chatter:  “OK I wanna try to do one of these kinds of songs where people are like, happy and dancing, but everyone’s like really fuckin’ sad when they listen to the lyrics.”  That they accomplished, with the line “a long winter learning how to be alone again” giving you an idea.  Musically it’s another horn-driven R&B style pop song, but not one of their best.  The awkward reference to the Beatles’ “Let It Be” seems forced in an attempt to seem cool.

Fortunately, “No Regrets” puts the album back on track.  A dance beat is accompanied by synth and, yes indeed, more unforgettable Arkells melodies.  The chorus is huge, and just enough to remind you that this album has some great pop songs on it.  Brilliant disco-like strings add to the whole and bring it up to another level.

“Years In the Making” was previously heard on 2020’s Campfire Chords, the acoustic “lockdown” album.  Here is it fully dressed with horns and programming.  The acoustic version might the superior one for purists but there is little wrong with the Blink Once recording.  The choice is yours.

Another brief interlude called “What the Feeling Was Like” talks of hardships, but the closing song “Arm In Arm” is all about overcoming them.  “Not gonna lie I’ve been fucked up.  Not gonna lie it’s been a long year,” sings Max.  And indeed, 2020 was a little fucked up, and it was a numbingly long year.  The music is bright, with those necessary “woah-oh-oh” Arkells backing vocals.  It feels like triumph.

That’s not the actual closer:  An outro sample of a string section from “Reckoning” alludes to the next album, when Max says “Blink Twice…”  Truly, it’s a two-album set, but we’ll get there next time.

If you’re into iTunes, check out a completely different version of “All Roads” called the “Night Drive” version.  They even made a music video for it.  It’s not a remix, but a completely different recording.  A completely different mood.  It doesn’t have the impact of the original, but it is a very cool supplemental.

Blink Once seems split between three directions:  Extremely upbeat happy pop songs, kinda corny and semi-successful R&B forays, and a really sad ballad.  At times it feels like these directions don’t mesh.  It was a weird time.  We needed upbeat music like this at that time.  We were all dealing with a lot of shit.  This is an album to pick you up on a bad day.  Mostly, anyway.

4/5 stars

 

ARKELLS

  1. Jackson Square (2008)
  2. Michigan Left (2011)
  3. High Noon (2014)
  4. Morning Report (2017)
  5. Rally Cry (2018)
  6. Campfire Chords (2020)
  7. Blink Once (2021)
  8. Blink Twice (2022)
  9. Laundry Pile (2023)

…and more to come