Potty humour

#400: The Open Door Sh*t Theory

Welcome to the 400th freakin’ instalment of Record Store Tales/Getting More Tale!

RECORD STORE TALES MkII: Getting More Tale
#400: The Open Door Shit Theory

The following is my own theory, based on memory and knowledge of the people and circumstances involved.  I call it the “Open Door Shit” theory because the Record Store alumnus in question, Joe “Big Nose”, is already well renowned for his Open Door Piss.  Sometimes circumstances may dictate that the easiest course of action is to take a dump with the door wide open.  This is the theory of those circumstances.*

My theory depends on a few facts and several assumptions.

FACT #1:  Joe “Big Nose” worked alone at his Record Store for an average of four hours per day.

FACT #2:  Joe is a human being who has to shit periodically.

FACT #3:  Although he is a diamond geezer and a stand-up guy, Big Nose does not have the same hangups and sensibilities of anyone I’ve met.

ASSUMPTION #1:  Anything he says is potentially merely a joke.

ASSUMPTION #2:  Then again, anything he says is also potentially the truth masquerading as a joke.  That’s his modus operandi.

ASSUMPTION #3:  When it comes to gross-out stories about bodily functions, he was more than likely telling the truth.  His friends testify that they have heard similar stories from him in the past.  I was told by Uncle Meat that this story is “probably true”.

Although I haven’t been there for a while, I do remember his store well.  I got to work a couple shifts, though never with Big Nose himself.  It was a small store, with a small bathroom, located behind the counter off to the side.  The story that Big Nose told me was this:  On at least one occasion, he had to take a giant shit while working alone.  He waited for the store to empty completely, and then rather than lock the door and put up a “Back in 5” sign, he kept it open.

Because store layout is crucial to this theory, I had contributor Thussy draw a rough store layout using AutoCAD.  You can see, from his extremely accurate rendition, how Joe’s toilet had a direct line of sight to the store entrance.

OPEN DOOR POOP

Thanks to Thussy for this wonderful AutoCAD layout

Big Nose told me that in order to take a shit while working alone, he decided to do it with the door open, so he could easily spy if a customer was about to enter.

He also told me that when a customer did enter, they were greeted by the toxic stench slowly wafting over from the washroom.  According to Big Nose, the customer visibly wrinkled their nose at the smell.

Is this story true?  I believe it to be.  But only Big Nose knows!

* Former co-worker Dave “Homer” has confirmed that Big Nose did in fact take an open-door dump in-store, with him as a witness.  He adds that the store’s counter would have blocked the line of sight unless Joe stood up.

BOOK REVIEW: What’s Your Poo Telling You? by Josh Richman and Anish Sheth M.D.

POO

What’s Your Poo Telling You? by Josh Richman and Anish Sheth M.D.

Illustrated by Peter Arkle, Chronicle Books, 96 pages

If you’re like me, you probably enjoy a good read while droppin’ a deuce.  And if you’re not like me, don’t judge; no, just take a look at all the Uncle John’s reader’s in the humour section of the local bookstore.  Who’s laughing now?  Uncle John, all the way to the bank!

Obviously, I’m  not alone.

A Christmas gift from my lovely wife, Mrs LeBrain, What’s Your Poo Telling You? by Josh Richman and Dr. Anish Sheth, is an informative illustrated reference book.  For health purposes.  For example, let’s say you encounter the health problem known colloquially as “Log Jam”.  Turn to page 62:   lack of water and/or dietary fiber cause stool to be too hard to pass.  Ahh!  I see!  Treatment:  enemas or…ewwww!…”manual disimpaction”.

Other conditions or events covered in the book include:  “Floaters vs. Sinkers”, “Rambo Poo”, “Number Three” (aka “Butt Piss”), the “Streak”, and many more.  Each article includes health tips, a biology lesson of the gastrointestinal variety, and many are illustrated.

STREAK

There are also interesting factual articles to enjoy, such as a page on dinosaur droppings, and one on toilets owned by presidents and royalty.

For even more fun, be sure to check out the sequel, What’s My Pee Telling Me?  This helpful tome includes content on farts, pee, and even more poo.  New conditions discussed include “Itchy Poo” and “Poonami”.

I strongly recommended one or both of these books to concerned citizens everywhere.

5/5 stars