pee

Sunday Chuckle: I had to pee real bad…

Coming home from TFCon, traffic was typical Toronto congestion.  Stop and go, stop and go.  Change lanes, stop.  Change lanes, go!  I had to pee real bad.

When we got back to my place, Jay stepped out of the truck for a smoke.  Jen came out to visit, and I still really had to pee bad.  I did the easiest thing possible: I snuck behind his truck and took a leak.  There was nobody around who could see me.

But then I heard a woman’s voice, and close by!  I looked to the left, to the right, and back again.  I kept hearing the woman’s voice and couldn’t figure out where she was, so I decided to cut myself off mid-stream.  Nobody likes doing that.  Not the greatest feeling in the world.

I heard the woman’s voice again, and then figured it out.  It was my cell phone.  I had butt-dialed my own voicemail and that was the automated voicemail talking to me.  At least I didn’t get busted peeing outside!

 

 

* The photo above was taken during the summer of 1990 and is just a water balloon!

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WTF Search Terms: Amanda Seyfried edition

WTF SEARCH TERMS XXXVI: Amanda Seyfried edition

Here at mikeladano.com, we like Amanda Seyfried.  She’s an actress who has also done plenty of singing.  She has a great voice; check out the song “Mean Old Moon” below from Ted 2.  She seems like she has a pretty good sense of humour, appearing in a couple McFarlane films, both of which made fun of her gigantic eyes.

So please welcome Amanda Seyfried to the latest edition of WTF Search Terms!  It’s the original series of weird things that somebody thought to type into a search engine and somehow end up here!

1a. porn pictures of ted2 actress lawyer

1b. amanda seyfried feet ted (two searches!)

Here you go, pal.  I guess this is the picture (from our Ted 2 review) that he came for!

And here’s the best of the rest for this instalment:

2. a disc of worms on the head

3. flower on shit

4. disgrace for cum

5. fifty shades of piss

6. dwonload full boobsy_animation_whores_wearing_glasses_acquire_screwed_hardcore_

7. leslie easterbrook arrested

8. solo jim carrey def leppard

9. japanese pornogramm

10. porn bonanza gallery

I hope you enjoyed these weird and wonderful search terms.  More soon.

 

 

#366: 50 Shades of Piss

BAG

RECORD STORE TALES MkII: Getting More Tale
#366: 50 Shades of Piss

A sequel to #355 “The man’s hot piss warmed my freezing hands”

STOPARRET
Sensitive readers might be best advised to not read on, unless on an empty stomach.

Regular readers have already met Joe aka “Big Nose”, the most unique Record Store manager in the history of record stores. Still there today, slinging CDs to the masses, Joe is a phenomenon. The only thing he likes more than baseball might be taking a pee with the door wide open. He is a very different person, with a heart of gold and a bladder of steel.

However, sometimes when you gotta pee, you just gotta pee…door or no door.

Joe was living in an apartment in Waterloo with a couple guys. One morning after a long night of partying, Joe awoke to find his path to the washroom blocked by passed-out bodies. When you gotta pee, you gotta pee, so Joe improvised.

He fashioned a piss bag from an old plastic grocery bag he found on the floor. After relieving himself into the bag, he tied it off securely and looked for a way to get rid of it. The only easily accessible option was the window, so out it went, onto the lawn below.

I believe that Joe enjoyed this new method of relieving oneself, because he tells me that he launched more than one piss bag out the window over the course of the next few days. Until the landlord complained.

“I keep finding these grocery bags outside,” said the landlord. “Stop throwing them on the grass!”

If only he knew!

But that’s Joe. He seems to get some kind of perverse enjoyment out of relieving himself in the least labor-intensive way. In fact it has been confirmed that me that the stories are true: Joe has indeed shit in the shower. Way back in Record Store Tales Part 41, I wrote that somebody I knew claimed to shit in the shower.  Today, an informant named “Uncle Meat” has since told me that this is true.  Joe would either poop directly into his hands and drop the deuce into the toilet; or if it was a smaller shit, he would simply mash it down the drain with his foot. I had long considered these tales to be nothing more than myths.  But the stories were so bizarre, I really wanted them to be true.  Just so I can say I know a guy who proudly shits in the shower, you know?

Even though Joe is just a lil’ different from the average bear, he’s always been a solid, stand-up trustworthy guy.  He is a man of integrity and a serious who-gives-a-shit attitude when it comes to the norms of society.  I just don’t want to share an apartment with him, or need to use the shower at his place.

#355: “The man’s hot piss warmed my freezing cold hands”

RECORD STORE TALES MkII: Getting More Tale
#355: “The man’s hot piss warmed my freezing cold hands”

Once upon a time, in a Record Store not far away, there was a manager named Joe. Some people call him “Big Nose”. Some people just call him Joe. Two things about Joe you must understand: 1) Joe doesn’t give a crap about what anybody thinks, and 2) Joe doesn’t really know boundaries. Joe is the one who told me he had a crush on my mom. Joe is the one who introduced me to the Open Door Piss. I like Joe, don’t get me wrong.  He was pretty much the only one at the Record Store that I could confide in towards the end.  He is trustworthy, 100%.  A solid individual.  He was the best support I could have had.  But I’d be lying to you if I didn’t tell you that Joe is different from just about everybody you know.

The Tale goes like this:

Joe and Uncle Meat were driving from Waterloo to Windsor, to go and visit Tom who was attending teacher’s college there.  It was December, and a cold one it was.  By this time, Tom sold his own branch of the Record Store, so he could continue his education and become a teacher.  Joe and Meat were travelling in Joe’s old beat up piece of shit.  It was the quintessential “old man car”.  It was huge, ancient, and nothing worked.  I’m amazed it made to Windsor and back, honestly.  One of the features that no longer functioned was the heat, which is a pretty darned important thing during a Canadian December.

Sometime during the three hour tour, Joe had to piss.  Pulling off highway 401 to pee isn’t Joe’s style.  Instead, he re-invented the piss jug, but with a large Tim Horton’s coffee cup.  After relieving himself in said cup, he passed it to Meat!

Meat, all this time, was freezing his ass off in the passenger side.  His hands and fingers in particular were as frigid as icicles.  Although being passed a cup of piss in most situations isn’t a position you want to be in, this time it wasn’t so bad.  The cup “felt like a hot double double in my hands,” says Meat.  Still warm with Joe’s body heat, the piss-cup helped Meat regain some of the sensation in his digits.  “What’s the greatest gift you can give?  The warmth from inside of you.  The man’s hot piss warmed my freezing cold hands,” according to Uncle Meat.

After warming his fingers, Meat rolled down the window.  He carefully prepared the cup for ejection.  He managed to throw it while only getting a surprisingly “minimal amount of piss” on his arm.

Neither Uncle Meat nor I condone littering, but sometimes life hands you a warm cup of piss, and you have no choice in the matter!

PISS CUP

WTF Search Terms: Health & Safety edition

WTF Search Terms XI:  Health & Safety edition

Welcome back to WTF.  Everything seen below is an actual search term that somehow took people here to mikeladano.com.  In the public interest, today I thought I’d gather together health-concerned search items. (Missed the last installment?  Click here!)

  1. dr george morgan lebrain (I am only a doctor of Rock)
  2. doctors names and phone number in canada @yahoo.ca “+1” -spam (but I am unlisted)
  3. dude dont shit a brick (never a good idea)
  4. coleman biowipes reviews (great environmentally friendly product)
  5. open car door pissing (not recommended)
  6. how smoking makes you impotent
  7. pisser male door (again with the pissing)
  8. geoff tate spits on drummer (many viruses and bacteria can be transmitted through saliva)
  9. guys who piss with the door open (…?)
  10. how to loosen up and crack your neck  (very carefully is how…actually, just don’t.)

See ya next time for another batch of WTFs!

DIFFICULT TO CURE LP

WTF Search Terms: Bodily functions edition

FARTED

WTF Search Terms V:  Bodily functions edition

All of these are search terms that people typed into Google, and wound up on my site.  Today the theme is “bodily functions”.  If you missed the last one, be sure to click here!

  1. “peeing” rowboat
  2. shiting on top of a shit
  3. shit into hand while in shower
  4. poo
  5. guy pissing in doorway
  6. boy holding poop in
  7. poo pictures
  8. poo in the door way
  9. poop in the shower post
  10. when to wash your hands pinterest

“When to wash your hands”?  Definitely after all of that!

I couldn’t figure out a music video to put with this, so let’s go with “TV Dinners” by ZZ Top, since that often will cause you to need to perform search term #4.

BOOK REVIEW: What’s Your Poo Telling You? by Josh Richman and Anish Sheth M.D.

POO

What’s Your Poo Telling You? by Josh Richman and Anish Sheth M.D.

Illustrated by Peter Arkle, Chronicle Books, 96 pages

If you’re like me, you probably enjoy a good read while droppin’ a deuce.  And if you’re not like me, don’t judge; no, just take a look at all the Uncle John’s reader’s in the humour section of the local bookstore.  Who’s laughing now?  Uncle John, all the way to the bank!

Obviously, I’m  not alone.

A Christmas gift from my lovely wife, Mrs LeBrain, What’s Your Poo Telling You? by Josh Richman and Dr. Anish Sheth, is an informative illustrated reference book.  For health purposes.  For example, let’s say you encounter the health problem known colloquially as “Log Jam”.  Turn to page 62:   lack of water and/or dietary fiber cause stool to be too hard to pass.  Ahh!  I see!  Treatment:  enemas or…ewwww!…”manual disimpaction”.

Other conditions or events covered in the book include:  “Floaters vs. Sinkers”, “Rambo Poo”, “Number Three” (aka “Butt Piss”), the “Streak”, and many more.  Each article includes health tips, a biology lesson of the gastrointestinal variety, and many are illustrated.

STREAK

There are also interesting factual articles to enjoy, such as a page on dinosaur droppings, and one on toilets owned by presidents and royalty.

For even more fun, be sure to check out the sequel, What’s My Pee Telling Me?  This helpful tome includes content on farts, pee, and even more poo.  New conditions discussed include “Itchy Poo” and “Poonami”.

I strongly recommended one or both of these books to concerned citizens everywhere.

5/5 stars