Buddy Chris and I had a running joke about UFO “expert” Giorgio Tsoukalos. Everything seemed to explained by…aliens! Could it be…aliens? I came into work one day to find this taped to my file cabinet. I love it!
Remember the film Office Space? The character of Milton had a special Swingline stapler that was important to the storyline. It was a one of a kind red stapler. Swingline didn’t make a red stapler; it was painted as a special prop for the movie. Due to popular demand, Swingline today finally sell an official red stapler inspired by Office Space. I have one myself.
Sometimes-contributor Thussy was looking for a new red Swingline stapler on Amazon. Check out the price on the last one! (Free shipping, though….) #fail
WTF SEARCH TERMS XXXV: Trailer Park Boys edition
Guest shot by Thussy
Thussy Boy back with another WTF Search Terms…this time to celebrate the release of Season 11 of one of the funniest shows on Netflix right now. Let’s get two birds stoned at once. Here is WTF Search Terms: Trailer Park Boys edition.
10. fifty shades of piss
Piss jug alley: “These are your father’s urine containers, Ricky.” The ironic thing is I need to piss really bad now.
9. trailer park boys kareoke cab
As far as I know it does not exist but I must see this if it does. [It was a scene in Out of the Park: Europe, in which they meet NHL star Esa Tikkanen — LeBrain.]
8. what episode is the trailer park boys where they go to Denmark
Third episode of Out of the Park season 1.
7. in tpb europe do they throw up
It sure fucking looks like it. They were probably hammered.
6. trailer park boys europe wheres randy and lahey
They are rehearsing for a play at the Blandford recreational centre.
5. trailer park boys remake rush music video
From Live in Fuckin’ Dublin. Shot for shot remake of “Closer to the Heart”. It is amazing.
4. the green bastard bubbles
Hands down probably one of my favorite episodes of the show right up there with Conky. The Green Bastard – Parts Unknown!
3. thank santa’s tits tpb
Favorite quote from the show, and definitely one I use.
2. what episode of trailer park boys does rick turn trailer to hockey rink
That would be Episode 5 of Season 8. “What do you think Orangie, look how much wet there is. You fuckin like that don’t ya. You want to get in there and swim your gold little tits off I bet.”
1. why wasnt jay rock or lucey on tpb season 11
J-Roc just felt like his time on the show was at an end. Lucy quit when Mike Smith was arrested for domestic violence (The charges were dropped). Funny thing is it came out after that she actually told the producers of the show she was planning on quitting a week before Mike Smith got arrested. I think she used it as an excuse to leave.
Thanks Thussy for another WTF Search Terms!
Welcome to the 400th freakin’ instalment of Record Store Tales/Getting More Tale!
RECORD STORE TALES MkII: Getting More Tale
#400: The Open Door Shit Theory
The following is my own theory, based on memory and knowledge of the people and circumstances involved. I call it the “Open Door Shit” theory because the Record Store alumnus in question, Joe “Big Nose”, is already well renowned for his Open Door Piss. Sometimes circumstances may dictate that the easiest course of action is to take a dump with the door wide open. This is the theory of those circumstances.*
My theory depends on a few facts and several assumptions.
FACT #1: Joe “Big Nose” worked alone at his Record Store for an average of four hours per day.
FACT #2: Joe is a human being who has to shit periodically.
FACT #3: Although he is a diamond geezer and a stand-up guy, Big Nose does not have the same hangups and sensibilities of anyone I’ve met.
ASSUMPTION #1: Anything he says is potentially merely a joke.
ASSUMPTION #2: Then again, anything he says is also potentially the truth masquerading as a joke. That’s his modus operandi.
ASSUMPTION #3: When it comes to gross-out stories about bodily functions, he was more than likely telling the truth. His friends testify that they have heard similar stories from him in the past. I was told by Uncle Meat that this story is “probably true”.
Although I haven’t been there for a while, I do remember his store well. I got to work a couple shifts, though never with Big Nose himself. It was a small store, with a small bathroom, located behind the counter off to the side. The story that Big Nose told me was this: On at least one occasion, he had to take a giant shit while working alone. He waited for the store to empty completely, and then rather than lock the door and put up a “Back in 5” sign, he kept it open.
Because store layout is crucial to this theory, I had contributor Thussy draw a rough store layout using AutoCAD. You can see, from his extremely accurate rendition, how Joe’s toilet had a direct line of sight to the store entrance.
Big Nose told me that in order to take a shit while working alone, he decided to do it with the door open, so he could easily spy if a customer was about to enter.
He also told me that when a customer did enter, they were greeted by the toxic stench slowly wafting over from the washroom. According to Big Nose, the customer visibly wrinkled their nose at the smell.
Is this story true? I believe it to be. But only Big Nose knows!
* Former co-worker Dave “Homer” has confirmed that Big Nose did in fact take an open-door dump in-store, with him as a witness. He adds that the store’s counter would have blocked the line of sight unless Joe stood up.
CO-REVIEW! I am joined today by contributor THUSSY who introduced me to these crazy trolls from Finland.
FINNTROLL – “Häxbrygd” (2013 Century Media music video)
Thussy: I’m an engineer and whenever I’m working from home I always need something to keep the wandering part of my mind busy so I can concentrate on whatever machine or structure I’m designing. What always works for me is listening to music and my choice (even though LeBrain can’t stand some of it) is hard rock and heavy metal. LeBrain apparently doesn’t like the heavy metal with as he puts it “cookie monster lyrics”. Now I will fully admit I am no expert on heavy metal. All my knowledge comes from SiriusXM Octane, but I always say it helps me work faster.
On this day, I was working away listening to some of my current favourite metal bands. I started with some In This Moment then moved onto Butcher Babies, Slipknot and then Avatar. A few songs into the Avatar set, Youtube switched to a different band. As soon as they started singing I realized it wasn’t in English, so I looked at the video only to find the most awesome Finnish metal band that wears troll ears and has an accordion player in the band. This band is of course Finntroll and the song was “Häxbrygd”. I immediately sent a link to LeBrain for him to check out, and he wanted me to introduce him reviewing the video so I’ll pass this on to him.
LeBrain: He sent me this video, and a few cryptic bits of info such as, “For some reason they’re beating the crap out of a car.” Cool.
I had never heard of Finntroll before. Wikipedia tells me that they play elements of Black metal and Folk metal. Apparently they sing in Swedish and wear rubber troll ears that look and move very Yoda-like, while banging their head to menacing heavy metal. First of all, the Swedish: it doesn’t matter since you can’t understand the words. Second of all, the troll ears: brilliant!
My favourite member of the band is the creepy baby looking guy on accordion. Check that guy out. He absolutely rules, like a troll-baby version of Udo Dirkschneider. Runner up is the fat bare-chested devil drummer.
I don’t understand the words, but from the video, I think the song is about a bunch of troll guys who cut the roof of a car and then paint it up real nice, and then the devil guy hotwires it but the baby guy gets to drive. In a Rob Zombie-esque ending, the troll guys all go for a psychedelic ride together in their newly customized automobile. To where? I don’t know! I have no idea what the fuck this is about!
But the song is unexpectedly cool! To write this review I listened it song at least 20 times, and I like it. That horn hook is incredibly catchy! “Häxbrygd” is like a more metallic version of Mr. Bungle. I have had “Häxbrygd” in my head all week. I’m also appreciating the vocals more than I thought I would. Instead of delivering melodic hooks, the vocal does it rhythmically. Maybe I’m getting the gist of these “cookie monster” vocals after all.
Thussy and I easily came to agreement on a rating for this video. Not only is the band and video hilarious, but the song is absolutely killer.
5/5 stars (score agreed by both)
I’m not in a record store anymore, but in so many respects, absolutely nothing has changed.
I went out to get a sub at lunch. When coming back, I stopped at my office to check my email before heading to the lunch room. I found the guilty party taping my mouse down to the desk using heavy duty yellow labels. Here is the photographic evidence.
And here is the guilty party attempting to escape.
Ahh well, it’s his birthday today. I can’t be too mad.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY THUSSY BOY!