The Adventures of Tee Bone Man: Tee Bone and Superdekes Vs. The Lego

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN
PHASE TWO: THE MULTIVERSE SAGA


Chapter Nineteen: Tee Bone and Superdekes Vs. The Lego

“Woah!  Look what I found!” exclaimed Deke from beneath a pile of boxes.

It was cleaning day at Deke’s Palace.  Time to make everything spic and span, for winter was coming and it was well overdue.

“Is that what I think it is?” asked Tee Bone.  “Has it been sitting here all this time?”

Deke blew the dust off the box.  “We’ve been so busy, we just haven’t had time,” said Deke.  “Hey…I have an idea.  Let’s put cleaning duty on pause.  Let’s build this instead.”  Deke tossed the box over to Tee Bone, who caught it in one hand.

Tee Bone gazed with admiration at the box.  “A custom Lego version of Deke’s Motorcycle, a Christmas gift from the Braniac.  Sure.  Why not.  I haven’t built Lego since I was a kid!  Might be fun, right?”

Deke slowly got up from his crouching position on the floor.  “Absolutely should be a lot of fun!  Let’s get the Scotch and get building!”

The two were now seated across from each other at a large work table.  In his hands, Deke held the Lego box, while Tee Bone looked on.

“Ready?” asked Deke.  Tee nodded yes, and Deke ripped into the box with glee!  He dumped the contents out on the table.  Before them were a dozen clear plastic baggies, all numbered.

“Did Lego always come like this?” asked Deke.  “When I was a kid, I remember boxes with compartments in them.”

“Me too…” answered Tee Bone.  “But this looks easier.  Do we just start with bag one?”

Deke leafed through the instructions.  “Yeah…looks like it.  Ready to open it?”

“Go for it,” nodded Tee.

With a mighty rip, Deke dumped the contents of the baggie onto the table…and onto the floor.

“Oh, shit,” he moaned.

At that, both men got up out of their seats and began crawling on the ground, picking up little coloured bricks of plastic.

“Wow…this one’s pretty cool,” remarked Tee Bone upon spying a neat little brick with studs on all sides.  “We sure didn’t have this one as kids!” he said.

Deke removed his glasses to have a closer look.  “Wow…that’s cool for sure.  So now you can build sideways as well?”

“I guess!” said Tee as he resumed searching.  “In fact I don’t recognize any of these pieces.  Remember when Lego used to be square bricks?”

“That’s how it always used to be!” answered Deke.  “Square bricks, flat pieces, and some wheels.  That’s all I had?”

“Think this new Lego is too challenging for old guys like us?” asked Tee, somewhat serious.

Deke laughed.  “Nahhh!  We’re grown men who save the world on a regular basis!  We’re not going to be taken down by a Lego set for kids!”

“We won’t make it far if we don’t find all these damn parts!” chided Tee Bone.

The two men searched and searched, and after about 45 minutes, were finally satisfied that they had found every last brick, plate, tile, slope, pin, and wheel.  Tee Bone slowly got to his feet, but his legs were cramped and his eyes were strained.  Deke was in roughly the same condition.  He slowly took his seat, making sure not to twist his back in an uncomfortable (eg: painful) way.

“How come I feel like I’ve gone a round with Tyson, and we haven’t even put two bricks together yet?” asked Deke.  “Lego sure ain’t what it used to be!”

Tee Bone had taken his seat and was now leafing through the instruction booklet.  “I don’t even know what these pieces are!” he exclaimed.  “Look for a red thing with holes on the sides,” he asked.

“There’s a lot of red things with holes in the side,” said Deke as he sifted through a pile.  “In fact there’s a couple different shades of red.  Shoot man, when I was a kid, Lego was red, white, blue, black, green, and yellow.  That was it!  I can’t even tell the dark greys from the light greys…”  He squinted.  “Maybe we should go do something else?”

Tee Bone was startled at the suggestion.  “Deke, this says ‘Ages 18 and up’.  How old are we?”

“Well then you look for the red thing with holes, I’m going to put these two black pieces together, like it shows in the instructions,” responded Deke.

Tee Bone shook his head.  “Deke!  Step one, and we already got it wrong.  See, there’s two different black ones there…a left slope and a right slope.  You grabbed the left, but it’s supposed to be the right.  Right?”

Deke squinted again.  “Shit.  This Lego is hard, dude!”

“Don’t tell Brainiac!  Whatever you do, don’t tell Brainiac.  He puts this stuff together while writing articles and making videos at the same time!”  Tee Bone made it clear that he was serious.  His face spoke of severe consequences if Brainiac ever discovered they were having such a hard time.

“Put on a record,” answered Deke.  “Let’s make our pain less…painful.”

Tee Bone chuckled, selected a record, and set the needle on the last track.  “Hee hee,” he mock-chuckled as he tip-toed back to his chair.  Helix blasted through the speakers.

“Bangin’ off-a-the bricks!” belted out Brian Vollmer from the turntable.

Deke gave Tee Bone a deadpan look.  “Seriously?”

Tee Bone laughed.  “Too much?”

“Yeah, and don’t put on ‘Another Brick in the Wall’ next, wise guy!” answered Deke as Tee Bone went to go change the record.

Tee Bone selected something else instead, an album that would remind both of their younger days.  Kiss Alive rested on the platter, and the needle dropped.

“Perfect, the hottest band in the land!” shouted a re-invigorated Deke.  “Let’s kick this Lego’s ass!”  The two high fived each other and got to work.

Three Days Later…

Tee Bone was passed out on the couch.  Deke, in his favourite armchair.  On their work table in the middle of the room stood an impressive sight:  a perfectly built Lego Ultimate Collector’s Series custom Flying Motorcyle, just like the real thing in the garage at the Palace.  They did it.  It took three days, two bottles of Scotch, four pizzas, six Dekeburgers, twenty chicken wings, and the entire discographies of Kiss and Van Halen (1978-1996 only), but they did it.  Now, they slept like babies, exhausted from their work.

Deke’s computer suddenly rang, waking up the superhero from his well-deserved slumber.  He creaked upwards and stumbled towards his desk.  With a touch of the mouse, he answered a video call.

“Hello?” he asked, as his blurry eyes slowly focused.  “Brainiac?  What are you doing calling at…1:00 am??”

Brainiac was on the screen, smiling but puzzled.  “What?  1:00 am?  What are you…oh…Deke…you’ve got your watch on upside down.  It’s 7:00 pm.”

“Oh!  Yeah I knew that,” said Deke trying to cover for himself.  “What’s up?”

“I was just calling to check in, see if you found out anything about Moustachio’s whereabouts…oh hey!  There’s the Lego motorcycle!  Holy shit, it looks great Deke!  How much fun was that to make, eh?”

Deke stumbled over his words.  “Yeah it was really…awesome!  Tee Bone was saying, he…loved doing Lego…and, yeah!”

“…Great!” answered a puzzled Brainiac.  “Well I can see you guys have a lot going on, so I’ll let you get back to it.  So nothing on Moustachio yet?”

Deke was happy to change the subject.  “No, I’m sorry to say, we don’t know what happened to him.  My working theory is that he got sucked through a portal of some kind.  To where…and how…I couldn’t begin to fathom.  I can tell you this goes far beyond anything in our known physics.”  He took a deep breath.  “Sorry man.  We’re not quitting until we find him.”

“I know, you’re good guys.” sighed Brainiac.  “Alright, well, I gotta run, Leafs are losing and Jen’s not happy, so I better go get her some coffee.  You know how it is.  Say hi to Tee for me!”

Brainiac signed off, and Deke breathed a sigh of relief.  He turned in his chair to notice Tee Bone was also awake.

“Thanks for not blowing it to the Brainiac, Deke!  I thought for sure I was going to have to stun you,” smiled Tee Bone.

“Hah-hah,” deadpanned Deke.  Tee Bone then revealed a stun gun under his cape.  He was indeed serious.  The two exchanged looks.  There was an eerie silence as neither man knew how to react.  Finally, Tee Bone broke the silence and chuckled huge guffaws of laughter.

“Aww, crap!” he said.  “I was only going to stun you on the lowest setting, you know!  Payback for stunning me back when I had the cursed Iron Maiden socks, I guess!  But seriously…if the Brainiac ever finds out it took us three solid days to put that thing together, we will never hear the end of it.  You know it’s true!”

Deke pondered, laughed, and put his friend’s mind at ease.  “Don’t worry man, I’m just as embarrassed as you are.  Let’s get some shuteye and we’ll both feel better in the morning.  You know what’s funny?” asked Deke.

Tee Bone gave him the side-eye and answered, “No…”

“What’s funny is that to guys like Brainiac and Harrison, and children of all ages…Lego is fun!”

“Must be something wrong with all them!” shrugged Tee Bone.  “G’night Deke!”

“G’Night, Tee!”

With that, the two heroes went to their rooms, calling it an early night.  The motorcycle stood proudly in the center of the room, shining like a trophy.  An accomplishment.  Which it was.

Looking for a snack, Ripper the squirrel entered the room.  He spied the motorcycle.  Just his size, he reasoned.  No harm could possibly come from trying it out.  Just sitting on it.  Nobody will know.  Ripper forgot that he was hungry, and ran towards the table.  He gingerly climbed aboard.  Lego reminded him of Moustachio.

A mighty crashing sound, deafening to squirrels and chipmunks alike, didn’t even wake the two slumbering superheroes.  The remains of the motorcycle were strewn all over the floor.

“Squee, squee,” he muttered.  Squirrelese for “Aw, crap.”

And with that, Ripper gathered the pieces, opened the instructions, and began assembling the Lego one more time.

The end.

 

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

  • Chapter Eighteen:  Shinzon – Origins (By LeBrain)
  • Chapter Nineteen:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes vs. the Lego (By LeBrain)
  • Chapter Twenty:  The Death of… (By LeBrain) September
  • Chapter Twenty-One:  The Fate of… (By LeBrain) October

 

  • Noirison:  Chapter One (by Holen)
  • The Mole in Rock and Roll Heaven (by 80sMetalMan) TBA
  • Shinzon – Dread and the Fugitive Mind (By Harrison Kopp) TBA
  • Noirison:  Chapter Two (by Holen) TBA

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

 

 

 

7 comments

  1. My sympathies are with Deke and TeeBone Man. I got Lego when I was six but I found it too frustrating so my mom took it back and got me Lincoln Logs instead. I hope the squirrel can reassemble the bike before the super heroes wake up.

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  4. Wow, good guess on Alive then! Harrison likes to quiz Tee Bone on albums when he writes, I like to guess.

    OK so Banging Off the Bricks — always hated those lyrics! What IS he talking about? Banging heads on bricks walls, just to get kicks? Makes NO SENSE. Makes more sense if it’s about Lego…

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