Adventures of the Northern Lights

The Northern Lights: A Postcard For Moustachio (Short)

THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS – Phase 3 – The Unicron Saga

Chapter Nine-point-five: A Postcard For Moustachio (Short)

A coda to Chapter Nine:Β  A Doctor in the House

Part I:Β click here.
Part II:Β click here.
Part III: click here.

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:Β  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGAΒ 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:Β  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS:Β  PHASE THREE – THE UNICRON SAGA

SPINOFFS AND SIDE QUESTS

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

The Northern Lights: A Doctor in the House Part III

THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS – Phase 3 – The Unicron Saga

Chapter Nine:Β  A Doctor in the House Part III

For Part I, click here.

For Part II, click here.

London.

“Now, try not to stand out!” instructed the Doctor.Β  “The year is 1977 and we are looking for Mr. Derek Riggs, the man who…”

An excited Mike spoke up.Β  “The very man who would paint all of Iron Maiden’s ‘real’ classic album covers?”

The Doctor, a tall Scottish man with curly white hair in a black coat, sighed in impatience.Β  “Yes.Β  Derek Riggs, who was murdered in an altered timeline, in this city, tonight at two minutes to midnight.Β  Only this time, he won’t be.Β  This time, we’re going to intercept the killer, and stop them from altering the timeline.Β  Are we all clear?”

Johnny Homework stood and saluted.Β  “Got it, Captain.Β  Err, I mean Doctor!”

“Got it,” said Harrison, never one to use seven words when he can use two.

“Me too,” said Mike in rare brevity.

“Squee squee!” said Ripper the Squirrel, as he raised a paw.Β  “Squee!”

“Right!” said the Doctor as he placed his trademark sunglasses over his eyes.Β  “Let’s go.Β  Oh!”Β  He stopped and turned.Β  “If any of you were alive in 1977, try to avoid meeting your past selves.Β  Terribly complicated stuff that is.Β  Just avoid it completely.Β  Okay?”

Harrison laughed.Β  “No chance of running into me for a few decades!” he remarked.

“Good.Β  Great,” said the Doctor.Β  He clapped and turned.Β  “Alright!Β  Off we go.”

The group walked a few steps when suddenly the Doctor halted them.Β  “Oh, fer…not YOU!”

Before them stood another familiar man, walking in the opposite direction.Β  Dressed in a floppy brown hat, brown coat, and long multicoloured scarf, his brown curls cascaded over his shoulders.Β  His eyes, already quite wide, grew only wider.Β  He stopped in his tracks.Β  “Do I know you sir?”

“Ohhhh no, but you will.Β  You will…Doctor,” said Number Twelve.

Realizing who stood before him, the man in brown turned away slightly.Β  “I don’t think we should be meeting like this…”

“Who is it?” asked Johnny.

Mike answered.Β  “That, my friend, is the Doctor.Β  The Fourth Doctor.Β  The legendary Fourth Doctor!Β  Arguably the best of them all, but that’s between him and Twelve as far as I rank them.”

“Wow,” said Harrison.Β  “You must be very excited Mike.”

“Yes!Β  I’m very excited!Β  But also scared to death!Β  Should they be meeting like this?”

“Scared is like a superpower Mike, remember that!” said a calming Johnny.Β  Meanwhile, the two Doctors were eyeing each other.

“What are you doing here?” asked the Twelfth.

“You don’t remember?” asked the Fourth.Β  “I’m here with Leela and K-9 on a bit of a holiday.”

“Where are they now?” questioned Twelve.

“They’re at a shop having K-9 serviced, you can’t remember any of this?” queried Four.

“No, I don’t,” thought Twelve.Β  “Someone has been re-writing history.Β  Why does K-9 need servicing?” he asked.

“It was the oddest thing,” said Four.Β  “We were preparing to depart for the Lighthouse on Fang Island, but before we boarded the TARDIS, a mohawked thug attacked us with a knife.Β  He did some minor damage to K-9 and we needed some spare gaskets, we were all out.”

Twelve thought to himself.Β  “Fang Island I remember.Β  K-9 being damaged, I don’t.Β  I wonder if this is connected to what we are investigating.”

Johnny Homework, who had indeed done his homework, raised his hand.Β  “Umm, Doctors?Β  The murder we were here to investigate, Derek Riggs?Β  He was also killed – err, will be killed – in a knife attack.Β  On this day, tonight.Β  Witnesses described an assailant with a ‘Mohican haircut’.”

“Same day, same weapon?” both Doctors said simultaneously.Β  Then Twelve thought to introduce his companions.

“Doctor, I’d like you to meet Johnny, Mike and Harrison.Β  The little black primitive mammal and supreme troublemaker is Ripper.Β  Don’t trust that one,” he cautioned.

“Nice to meet you Doctor, I’m such a fan,” said a gushing Mike.Β  “When I was a kid I asked my mom to make me a scarf just like yours.”

Number Four feigned surprise, but knew his scarf was awesome.Β  “Why thank you, young man.Β  Now, I usually hate to defer to someone else’s leadership other than my own, but in this situation you seem to know more about what is going on than I do.Β  Do we have a plan, Doctor?”

Twelve smiled with phony confidence.Β  “I always have a plan.”

He did not have a plan.Β  He had been too busy trying to save humanity, and forgot to think of one.

“That’s great!” said Mike.Β  “What is it?”

Improvising, Number Twelve plotted.Β  “The plan is…” he paused, still trying to think of a plan.Β  “The plan is, we know where Derek Riggs is to be murdered tonight, and we know when, and we ever know how!Β  With a knife at precisely two minutes to midnight, on the corner outside the Ruskin Arms in East Ham.Β  So: we hide, we lie and await the killer, and when we see Mr. Riggs, Johnny will tail him from a safe distance to ensure his safety.”Β  Johnny nodded in understanding.Β  “Don’t let him out of your sight.Β  Mike and Harrison, you will stay close with us.Β  When the killer makes himself known, the Doctor and I will apprehend him and bring him back to the TARDIS for interrogation.Β  Are we clear?”

Everyone nodded in the affirmative.

“Good,” said Twelve.Β  “Let’s go scope out the location.”

East Ham

It was dark.Β  The Doctors and companions were alert and hidden.Β  At the corner of Ruskin Ave and High St. North, they awaited in position, out of sight and silent.Β  Johnny Homework stood on the corner, waiting to spot Derek Riggs, should he appear as scheduled.Β  Johnny wondered if all the time travel and interference they had witnessed would mean that Derek Riggs might not show at all.Β  He pulled his hair back into a ponytail when the English wind kept blowing it in his face.Β  He wondered why the Fourth Doctor’s hair was always in perfect curls no matter what the wind was doing.Β  Might be the hat.

The minutes ticked by, agonizingly slow.Β  They hunched in phone booths, by dumpsters, and avoided lamplight.Β  They breathed heavy.Β  Ripper the Squirrel, blending in with the night, leaped from a brown telephone box to a lamp post, the ultimate lookout.Β  From below, Harrison had eyes on Ripper, awaiting any signal.

Ten minutes to midnight.Β Β Johnny, uncomfortable in his shoes, shifts his weight from foot to foot.Β  He loosens his collar.Β  The seconds pass as slow as time-snails.

Nine minutes to midnight.Β  Mike’s glasses fog up, rendering him visionless.Β  He takes them off to wipe on his T-shirt, but his breath keeps repeating the problem.

Eight minutes to midnight.Β  Ripper loses his footing a moment, but regains his balance.Β  Harrison almost misinterprets this as a signal.

Seven minutes to midnight.Β  People are streaming out of the Ruskin Arms, as a local band finished their set.Β  The street crowds with pubgoers in various stages of intoxication.Β  Johnny panicks.Β  Too many people.Β  Β He can’t make out if Riggs is one of them or not.

Six minutes to midnight.Β  The Doctors look at each other with serious eyes.Β  One’s large and protruding, the other’s framed by unruly grey eyebrows, like little wire brushes.Β  Number Twelve removes his sonic screwdriver from his pocket.Β  Four follows his lead.

Five minutes to midnight.Β  The crowd was already thinning as taxis ferried away many of the concert goers.Β  A few people remained.Β  One vomits in a garbage can, not far from where the Doctors hide.

Four minutes to midnight.Β  Derek Riggs, young and skinny, emerges from the thinning mass of humans, and lights a cigarette beneath a yellow streetlamp.Β  It is like a scene from one of his own Iron Maiden album covers.Β  Johnny spots him and moves into a better position to tail him.

Three minutes to midnight.Β  One of the taxis lets a man out, rather than picking someone up.Β  The man is dressed like a punk and is very out of place for this crowd.Β  He has a mohawk and walks in Riggs’ direction.Β  Ripper gives the signal.Β  With fear as his superpower driving his actions forward, Johnny Metal walks in the direction of Derek Riggs.Β  The Mohican does the same.Β  Johnny has to hurry, or the punk would reach him first!Β  Derek smokes unawares, still deafened by the show.Β  The Doctors, Mike and Harrison all rise from their positions.

Two minutes to midnight.Β  Johnny runs to Riggs….

It was like time, frozen.Β  Everything unfolded in a few blinks of an eye.

“Hey, Derek!Β  How ya doing?” said Johnny as he rushed Derek Riggs.Β  Riggs looked up.Β  Johnny was in the air, tackling Riggs and pushing him out of danger!Β  Johnny and Derek both hit the pavementm, a little harder than intended.Β  Both men were winded from the fall.

The punk was soon on top of them both.Β  Pinned beneath his knees, the assailant cared not whether he killed one or two people tonight.Β  Maybe he’d be paid more if he killed both of these men.

He raised his knife in the air, readying to kill the smaller man, Riggs – his primary target – first.Β  Then, when he was bleeding out, he’d finish with his long-haired friend.Β  He prepared to strike, but suddenly froze in pain.Β  He threw the red-hot blade to the ground and screamed, as his hand burned.

The Doctors emerged with their sonic screwdrivers, which had caused the knife to heat up to 200 degrees in an instant.Β  Mike kicked the blade away from the punk, while Harrison attended to Johnny and Riggs.Β  The punk, in pain but also in survival mode, pushed past the two Doctors, and ran down Ruskin Ave.Β  Mike gave pursuit, as the two Doctors recovered their balance.Β  Johnny and Harrison then tended to Derek Riggs, and brought him back inside the Ruskin Arms while Mike lost ground to the fleeing punk.

Thinking he had evaded his pursuers, the mohawked punk ducked in a doorway to catch his breath.Β  The pain caught up with him; his right hand sizzling from the hot knife.Β  He held in a scream, but it didn’t matter.

From above, Ripper the Squirrel leaped onto his mohawked head.Β  With only a thin line of hair to protect him, Ripper’s claws made deep scratches in his scalp, and then his face.Β  The punk tried to swipe Ripper away, but he was training in the art of Australian Ninjitsu.Β  He easily hung onto the punk, digging deep furrows into his face.Β  Soon the punk was surrounded, with two sonic screwdrivers pointed directly at him.

The Twelfth Doctor approached the punk and smiled.Β  “Got you.”

The punk spat.Β  “Get stuffed mate!”

“Oh, we will.Β  We will.Β  On tea and cakes when we return from this mission, I specifically requested hot tea, and cakes are just expected at evening with hot tea,” sneered number Twelve.

“What, old man?” asked the punk.

“He’s not a man, he’s a Time Lord.Β  And you’re coming with us,” said Mike.Β  “And you’re gonna answer our questions.Β  And if you don’t, Ripper will persuade you that it’s in your best interests.Β  Follow me…mate?”

The punk nodded in grave understanding.

The punk was restrained aboard the TARDIS.Β  Both doctors and all the companions surrounded him.Β  Number Twelve had assumed control of the interrogation.Β  Ripper sat atop the punk’s head, messing up his mohawk.Β  The punk was already bleeding from the punishment he took back at the Ruskin Arms.

“Now, I’ll cut to the chase.Β  You don’t look like the time travelling type, now are you?” questioned Twelve.

“Wot?” asked the punk.

“Didn’t think so.Β  So you’re being paid, yes?”

“Y-yes.”

“By whom?” said the Doctor with grave sincerity.

“Get stuffed mate!”

“Is that a first, middle and last name?Β  Or should Ripper ask you this time?”

Ripper licked his fangs.

“Listen…he…he…told me if I ratted him he, he’d kill me ‘e would!”

“Well, then it’s a question of how you’d rather die.Β  Death by squirrel claw is quite slow and…stingy”Β  Ripper raised a paw in response.

“Alright!Β  Alright!Β  I’ll talk.Β  He’s called…I call him General Pepperpot.”

Mike had had enough.Β  “Oh come on!Β  That’s not a name!”

“I…I don’t know his real name!” said the punk.Β  “I call him General Pepperpot!Β  Not to his face, but I don’t know his name!”

“But you know his face?” asked the Fourth Doctor?Β  “You’ve seen…you’ve seen this General Pepperpot’s face?”

“Yes but I don’t know his real name, believe me mate!” pleaded the punk.

“What does he look like,” asked number Four.

“He’s…blind…literally his eyes are gone!Β  He’s in an electric wheelchair…” the punk stopped talking.Β  Then he yelled “I don’t know his real name!”

“He’s lying,” said Mike.Β  “He knows more.”

Ripper prepared a claw, and aimed it at the punk’s eyebrows.

“OK!Β  OK!Β  Like I said it’s not a name I ever heard before!Β  Hard to remember but starts with a D!Β  Not David…not Dennis…Β  Something with a D, I can’t remember mate, I swear, it’s a weird name blokes!”

The two Doctors spoke simultaneously.Β  “Davros!”

The punk’s eyes suddenly exploded in size.Β  “N…N…No…”

“It’s Davros!” said Twelve.Β  “That’s who’s behind this!Β  We ran into the Daleks on the last leg of this trip.”

“Davros,” said Four.Β  “We must be cautious.”

“We must,” agreed Twelve.Β  He turned to the punk.Β  “Tell us where to find Davros.”

“I can’t.Β  He’ll kill me,” cowered the punk.

The Doctor sighed.Β  “Ripper…convince him.”

It only took Ripper minutes to divulge all the needed information from the punk, who they left at the local police with his face mostly intact.Β  The Doctors and companions considered their next move.

“If Davros is behind all this, then we can be assured that the Earth and its future are at stake,” said Four.Β  Twelve nodded in agreement.

“Maybe the universe itself,” added the older Doctor.

“So what do we do?” asked Mike.Β  “Do we just knock on the door and say ‘Hey Davros it’s us, can we come in’?”

Four looked at Twelve.Β  “Why not?Β  Let’s do just that.”

“Are you serious right now?” asked Johnny.

“Yes.Β  Perfectly,” said Twelve.Β  “Apparently they were supposed to meet at a specific warehouse, for which we now have the address thanks to Ripper.Β  Let’s go meet Davros.”

The Twelfth Doctor manned the TARDIS console while the Fourth watched.

“I must say,” said Four as he cast his gaze about.Β  “I don’t like what you’ve done with the place.”

“It suits me,” said Twelve.Β  “I tire of the old plain white, stainless steel, that you and your predecessors are so fond of.”Β  He pulled the controls, and the TARDIS made the quick jump to the warehouse on the south side.

The crew soon disembarked, and approached the darkened warehouse door.

“Should we knock?” asked Four.

“Nae,” answered Twelve.Β  The two raised their sonic screwdrivers to the door.Β  Β They each activated their devices, but they had no effect.Β  They each tried again, only to fail a second time.

Mike approached the door on his own.Β  He knocked.Β  Then, in the worst accent he could muster, he shouted.Β  “Oi!Β  Davros!Β  Riggs is dead ‘e is, open the door and lemme in.”Β  He paused.Β  Everyone cringed at his punk rocker impression, but suddenly the door opened before them!Β  Shrugging, Mike led them inside.

The group walked cautiously through the doorway, into the warehouse.Β  They looked around, when suddenly a side door opened on the right.Β  From the door emerged two Daleks.

“THE DOC-TOR!” alerted one.

“TWO DOC-TORS! alerted the other.Β  “EXTERMINATE!”

“ALERT DAVROS!Β  HE MUST EVACUATE!Β  EVACUATE!Β  EVACUATE!”

One Dalek turned to attend to Davros, while the other turned to face the Doctors and companions.Β  The first Dalek disappeared behind the closing door while the other aimed its eyestalk at Twelve.

“YOU…YOU DO NOT BELONG HERE.”

“Well that’s rather presumptuous of you to say,” replied Twelve.Β  “Now get out of our way.Β  We have a visit with Davros scheduled and we hate to be late.”

“EXTERMINATE!”

But then, from the rafters above, leaped Ripper the Squirrel!Β  He landed directly on the Dalek’s weapon, deflecting the shot awkwardly onto the ground.Β  On cue, Johnny, Mike and Harrison attacked the Dalek, with Johnny ripping the weapon from its socket while the other two restrained the Dalek.Β  Harrison then knocked the Dalek’s eyestalk askew using Australian Kung-Fu, blinding the alien machine.

“BLINDED…BLINDED…” cried the Dalek in its digital voice.

“Come on!” commanded the Twelfth Doctor!Β  “To Davros!”

The party ran through the side door, but it was too late.Β  Davros’ lab was there, but empty.Β  Abandoned.Β  They had escaped.Β  Davros always has an escape route.Β  The group sighed in disappointed dejection.

“All this for nothing?Β  No Davros?” asked Mike.

“Not for nothing,” answered Twelve.Β  We stopped him from killing Riggs, and next would have been David Walker, which would have prevented him from joining Black Sabbath.”

“Look!” shouted Four.Β  “Davros may have escaped but he left everything behind.”Β  He pointed at a screen.Β  He motioned Harrison to come forward.Β  “Do these names look familiar to you?”

Harrison looked at a screen, and placed his hands on a console.Β  He gasped as he looked at the names on it.

“Ozzy Osbourne…Ronnie James Dio…Geezer Butler…Tony Iommi…” Harrison paused and read ahead.Β  “He has everyone who was ever going to be in Black Sabbath…all of Deep Purple…Iron Maiden…Judas Priest…Fleetwood Mac…even the singer from Rush.Β  The list goes on and on!Β  Riggs and Walker were just the start of a mass killing spree!”

Johnny Homework spoke up.Β  “It would have been a heavy metal holocaust.Β  All of our favourite bands.Β  But why?”

“There’s more here…so much more…” said Harrison.Β  Suddenly, three of the screens above them came to life.

“Doctor!Β  You have failed again!”Β  It was the eyeless visage of Davros, encased in his Dalek armor.Β  He was taunting them.

Number Four spoke up.Β  “But why, Davros?Β  What did you hope to gain?”

Davros laughed.Β  Suddenly, the console on which Harrison had been working heated up.Β  “Stand back!” said Harrison.Β  The console exploded into sparks.Β  The screens over their heads went black.

“Davros.Β  He destroyed the data!” said Mike.

“Not all of it!” said Harrison.Β  “Quickly, I need to tell you everything I read!”

The Doctors and companions stood in a circle aboard the TARDIS.Β  Harrison sat in the center, recalling every detail he could remember.

“OK, deep breath,” said Harrison as he began.Β  “Here comes the exposition part.Β  My friends and Doctors, we are in a time loop paradox.Β  It started when we arrived in 66,000,000 BC and changed history.Β  Then, when we arrived in the alternate 1977, some time-traveling Daleks were already there.Β  They found an unpopulated Earth, and they told Davros all about it.”

“But we prevented that alternate timelime,” said Johnny.

“It wouldn’t matter,” explained Twelve.Β  “The Daleks sent a message through time and space, and our Davros, in our time received it.Β  Thus, informing our Davros of Earth’s possible alternate future.”

“And that is exactly what happened,” confirmed Harrison.Β  “But there is more.Β  Not only was Davros now aware of Earth’s possible future, but he also became aware for the first time of a certain superhero team called the Northern Lights.”

“Oh, no.Β  I was afraid you were going to say that,” groaned Mike.

Harrison continued.Β  “He came to 1977, a critical period in time for so much of the music that drew us all together.Β  He contacted local thugs and began his intended, but now prevented, murder spree.”

“But why?” asked Johnny.

“A two-fold answer, a possible win-win for Davros.Β  Before we prevented his killing, the death of Derek Riggs and Dave Walker got our attention, and set us off on this mission.Β  It was his hope that we would cause the de-population of the Earth, 66 million years ago, leaving it ripe for his taking.”

“My God!” cried Mike.Β  “And if those Daleks back in…back in that other 1977, if they got us, even one of us, they very well might have succeeded.”

“As I said, time travel paradoxes,” said Harrison.

“Very timey-wimey,” confirmed Twelve.

“Ah, but I’m not finished yet, good Doctor!” said Harrison.Β  “This goes even further.”

“Yes, you mentioned a win-win for Davros,” said Mike.Β  “What is the other win?”

“Davros learned enough about the Northern Lights to know that we all connected in the first place because of music.Β  Not just the three of us, but all of us.Β  John Williams was on the list.Β  In 1977 he composes Star Wars.Β  Mike, would you and Rob Daniels have been friends without that soundtrack?”Β  Mike shook his head.

“Probably not…” guessed Mike.

“John Williams was the next name on the list.Β  Number three,” finished Harrison as Mike gasped.Β  “Davros’ secondary goal was to prevent the Northern Lights from ever forming.”

Mike shook his head.Β  “I don’t understand.Β  Why does he care about us?”

“When Davros scoured the universe for information about us, he also learned of Unicron.”

Both Doctors perked their ears in interest.Β  “I’m not familiar with that name, are you?” asked Four of Twelve.Β  Number Twelve shook his head in the negative and asked, “Who or what is Unicron?”

Mike explained.Β  “I tried to tell you earlier.Β  Unicron is a cosmic entity from another universe.Β  A planet eater.Β  He has the powers of a dark god and an army of living robots.Β  Of course Davros would ally himself with a mechanical being like that.”

Harrison resumed explaining what he learned.Β  “Unicron offered Davros technology that would have made today’s Daleks look like antiques.Β  He offered them Cybertronian robotics.Β  How could Davros refuse the chance to take the Daleks evolution up to the next stage?Β  All Unicron asked him to do was destroy the Northern Lights.Β  Us.”

“It seems you’re all a little bit more important than I first assumed,” said the Twelfth Doctor.Β  “However, you have demonstrated courage, strength, fortitude, creativity and intelligence beyond my meager expectations.”

“Thank you?” said Johnny with a chuckle.

“And that wee beast!”Β  He pointed right at Ripper.Β  “That troublemaker, at the center of this whole time loop.Β  That thing is a viscous creature, so keep an eye on it and keep it well fed!”Β  He stopped and looked at the group before him.

“The Earth is in good hands,” finished Twelve.Β  “We may cross paths again.Β  Then again, we may not.Β  Your friend, the 80s Metal Man, knows how to contact me.Β  As for now, we need to get this old brown-coated relic back to Leela and K-9.”Β  He gestured at Number Four, who raised his hands in mock insult.Β  “And, we need to get you back to your time.Β  Davros failed to deliver, to this Unicron, on all counts, so that may be the end of their transactional relationship.Β  If not…if not, one of us will be in touch.Β  Just not sure which one of us it will be next time.”Β  The Twelfth Doctor smiled.Β  “You have plenty of adventures ahead of you yet.Β  Good ones.Β  Righteous ones.Β  Scary ones!Β  But remember what I said about being scared.Β  It’s your super power.Β  You’ll see.”

Epilogue.

Mike and Harrison sat with Tim Durling, in person this time.Β  Alone, in his office, with only his assistant Rufus in the room with them, Tim tried to absorb all this new information.

“You know, it was only yesterday that I even learned Doctor Who was real, so this is all rather mind blowing.”

“It’s just ‘The Doctor’,” corrected Mike.

Tim waved his hands. “Too much information.Β  Give me the bottom line.Β  Did we succeed?”

“Well, let’s test that theory.Β  Who replaced Ozzy Osbourne in Black Sabbath in 1977?”

“Oh that’s a good one,” said Tim.Β  “But easy; David Walker of Savoy Brown and, of course, Fleetwood Mac, who I wrote a book on.Β  You can buy it on Amazon.Β  My new book is about Toto.”

“Yes, we know,” Mike nodded in approval.Β  “Question two:Β  Who is Angine de Poitrine?”

“One of our favourite new bands.Β  Those two alien guys with the polka dots.Β  YOW!” answered Tim.

“And they’ve never been on an Iron Maiden album cover?” asked Mike in a followup question.

“What?Β  No, that’s absurd.Β  Why would you say that?” asked Tim.

“Then I can assure you, our mission was a complete success.Β  The timeline has been restored.”Β  Harrison and Mike both agreed.

Tim took a big sigh of relief.Β  “Excellent.Β  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I like to rock, and I’d like to get back to that.”

“Mind if we join you?Β  I’m a hard rock kid, after all,” said Mike.

“Excellent!” smiled Durling.Β  “How about some April Wine?”

And with that, the three friends embarked upon a night of great music and even greater relaxation.

The end.

Or not the end.

66,000,000 BC.

The female Purgatorius lay in her comfortable nest.Β  Mother of all, she was pregnant, and needed her rest.Β  What she would never know was how important her next generation was to the destiny of the Earth.Β  The entire future of humankind was locked in her womb, awaiting its inevitable evolution.Β  She had no conception of this.Β  Only the instinct to nurture and protect.Β  At this moment, that was all she knew.

She also would never know who the father was.Β  It could be her nest mate, the male with whom she shared this forest.Β  Or, could it be that strange black-coated creature, that she briefly explored that big blue box with?Β  She would never know.Β  In time she would forget about that big blue box, Ripper, and their adventure completely.

Timey-wimey.Β  How about that.

There are things that we’ll never know; never meant to know.Β  Perhaps it is better to leave these questions unanswered, open, and begging for your imagination to wander with them through time.

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:Β  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGAΒ 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:Β  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS:Β  PHASE THREE – THE UNICRON SAGA

SPINOFFS AND SIDE QUESTS

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

The Northern Lights: A Doctor in the House Part II

THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS – Phase 3 – The Unicron Saga

Chapter Nine:Β  A Doctor in the House Part II

For Part I, click here!

The TARDIS roared as it completed its 66 million year journey back through time!

The Doctor stood proudly, aboard this blue box:Β  his time machine, and with his companions for this mission.Β  With him were Northern Lights team members Mike the Brainiac II, Harrison El Moustachio, and Johnny Homework, ready to disembark after an unexpectantly long trip.Β  Having blown a temporal fuse, the TARDIS accidentally took them 66 million years into the past, instead of to 1977 London as planned.Β  The layover cost them some hours, but all seemed to be well now.

Harrison looked around.Β  “Now where is Ripper?Β  We have to get going.Β  We can’t stay in the TARDIS.”Β  Indeed, Harrison’s trusty squirrel companion had not been seen by the crew since Johnny and the Doctor killed some time by having an informal jam session.

The Doctor strode with confidence to the door.Β  “Come now, off we go te solve your mystery!”Β  The Northern Lights had come to 1977 London to investigate changes in the timeline centered on that year.Β  Musicians and artists that should be alive, were dead or missing.Β  Someone was doing this to change the future, and the Doctor had stepped in to help them.Β  He opened the door to the TARDIS to find an unexpected scene.

Instead of bustling downtown 1977 London England…was a completely empty marshland, by the side of a flowing river.Β  The Doctor’s mouth was agape.Β  He used his sonic screwdriver to scan the scene before him.

“The Thames…” he whispered.Β  He ran to the control panel while his companions tried to comprehend what was happening.

“Doctor?” asked Harrison.

“We’re in…we’re in 1977.Β  This is London.Β  That’s the Thames…” he answered.

That doesn’t look like London, thought Mike, afraid to speak the words aloud.

“Come on.Β  All of you.Β  We’re going outside.Β  We have to find out what transpired here.”Β  He motioned them to join him.

“What about Ripper?” asked Harrison.

“Safer for the wee creature if he remains inside,” answered the Doctor.Β  “Come on.”

The three men and one Time Lord stepped outside.Β  The air was cold, much colder than they were used to.Β  “Because there’s been no artificial introduction of carbon dioxide to the atmosphere,” mused the Doctor out loud.Β  “The industrial revolution never happened.Β  Humanity itself…never happened!”Β  The Doctor was beginning to look panicked while the others did their best to stay calm.Β  Inside, they were terrified.Β  Finally, Johnny spoke.

“What’s going on here Doc?”

The Doctor spun with burning intensity in his eyes.Β  “Something, or someone, has altered time.Β  Humanity…has never existed.Β  This land…is uninhabited by man…but teaming with wildlife, large mammals, megafauna that mankind hunted to extinction!Β  Humanity has been erased from history!”

“But how?” asked Johnny.

“I…I don’t know!” answered the Doctor, having lost control of the situation and showing it.Β  Johnny could sense this.

“Doc, I’m…I’m kinda scared,” he said.

The Doctor whipped around again.Β  “Scared?Β  Let me tell you about scared.”Β  He grasped one of Johnny’s hands in his.Β  “Your heart is beating so hard — I can feel it through your hands!Β  There’s so much blood and oxygen pumping through your brain, it’s like rocket fuel!Β  Right now, you could run fasterΒ and you couldΒ fight harder. You can jump higher than ever in your life.Β  And you are so alert, it’s like you can slow down time.Β  What’s wrong with scared?Β  Scared is a super power!Β  It’s your super power!Β  There is danger in this place, and guess what?Β  It’s you!Β  Do you feel it?”

Johnny nodded with confidence.Β  He breathed deep.Β  “I feel it, Doc.”

“Good,” replied the Doctor, feeling better himself having had the chance to give one of his legendary speeches.Β Β Remarkably, Mike was the most calm this time.Β  He spoke up.

“Hey Doctor…I’ve watched your adventures on TV enough to know that usually you just start walking around, discover clues, encounter beings, and solve the mystery.Β  Maybe we should…walk around?”

“That’s…that’s a good idea!” said the Doctor.Β  He raised his sonic screwdriver, scanned around himself, and pointed.Β  “That way,” he motioned, and the three joined him as they trekked inland away from the marsh and the Thames.Β  “This land was an important trade route to the Romans, in our timeline,” explained the Doctor.Β  They built a bridge here and called it Londinium.Β  Today’s London Bridge would be right over there.”Β  The companions marveled in wonder, even as their entire history was erased.

The Doctor thought aloud as they strolled through the mucky ground.Β  “Who could have done this?Β  The Daleks?Β  The Cybermen?Β  The Master?Β  The Borg?”Β Β The Doctor’s thoughts were interrupted by a cold, digital voice.

“DOC-TOR!Β  EXTERMINATE THE DOC-TOR!”

“The Daleks it is,” said the Doctor.Β Β From behind them, swarmed a squadron of eight deadly Daleks.Β  Their conical shells shone in the English sun, while their domed heads sported weapons and eyestalks pointed directly at the Doctor and his companions.

“Daleks!” shouted the Doctor.Β  “Get behind me!” he instructed his companions, wielding his sonic screwdriver.Β  “Hear me Daleks!Β  What have you done here?”

“DOC-TOR!” exclaimed the lead Dalek.Β  “WHAT IS IT YOU HAVE DONE?”

“What?” asked the Doctor.

“WE FOUND THIS PLANET UNINHABITED.Β  IT SHALL BECOME THE NEW DALEK HOMEWORLD.Β  IT WILL BE NEW SKARO.Β  YOU DID THIS AND IT CANNOT BE UNDONE NOW.Β  WE WILL NOT ALLOW IT.”Β  The Daleks floated forward in threatening motion.Β  “EXTERMINATE THE DOC-TOR!”

“Wait!Β  Wait!Β  Shut up and listen to me!” said the Doctor with both hands making a “stop” motion.Β  “I don’t know what you’re talking about!Β  This is Earth!Β  We found it uninhabited but it is supposed be…teaming!Β  Teaming with humans, with people!Β  What have you done to the people?”

“THE DOC-TOR TRIES TO FOOL US!” said the lead Dalek.

The Doctor pocketed his sonic screwdriver.Β  “No tricks!Β  No deceit!”

“YOU DID THIS!” proclaimed the lead Dalek.Β  “YOU CANNOT UNDO IT.Β  EXTERMINATE!”

The Doctor turned to his companions.Β  “When I say run…RUN!” he ordered.Β  The companions set afoot, running as fast as they could towards the TARDIS.Β  A Dalek blasted a shot towards Johnny, who fortuitously slipped in the mud, just as the shot went inches overhead.

“Come on Johnny!” said Mike as he stopped to help him up.Β  “We gotta run!”Β  The pair caught up to Harrison and the Doctor, who had reached the TARDIS door.Β  Everyone with only one heart was breathing heavy, exhausted from adrenaline and overdrive.

“EXTERMINATE!” repeated the Daleks as they fired another volley of shots at the fleeing Doctor and companions.Β  “THEY MUST NOT ESCAPE!”

“Get in!” ushered the Doctor.Β  Mike and a muddy Johnny jumped through the doorway, almost colliding with Harrison.Β  With everyone on board, the Doctor slammed the door shut and ran to the central control panel.Β  He pulled a lever, and the TARDIS dematerialized into the fog as the Daleks closed in.

“THE DOCTOR HAS ESCAPED…” said the lead Dalek.Β  “INFORM DAVROS THAT THE DOCTOR HAS ESCAPED…”

The quartet dried off their muddy shoes and boots inside the comfort of the TARDIS.

“Doctor, did the Daleks really erase humanity?” asked Mike of the increasingly angry Doctor.

“You saw them with your own eyes.Β  They must have.Β  Oh, they said they didn’t, but Daleks lie!Β  It is what they do.Β  It comes from their own, inbred hatred of all things.Β  Honesty isn’t something they excel at.”

“Doctor, I’ve watched movies too,” said Harrison.Β  “If humanity was erased, how come we’re still here?”

“You were protected by the TARDIS from any temporal fluctuations that happened.Β  Wait a minute…which means…which means this happened while we were aboard the TARDIS!Β  Could it be…”

Mike was connecting the dots along with the Doctor.Β  “Do you think…do you think we might have caused this?Β  When we went 66 or 69 million years back in time?”

“It was 66 million years…” said the Doctor as he too began to pick up the pieces.Β  He snapped his fingers.Β  “66 million years ago!Β  Precisely when the first primate, Purgatorius, evolved!”

“So…like a butterfly effect, if we squashed one with the TARDIS?” asked Mike.

“No, no, not possible.Β  The TARDIS has safety landing measures built into the system to avoid such as catastrophe.Β  Even with the temporal fuse out, that failsafe is on a designated system,” assured the Doctor.

It was at that exact moment that Ripper the Squirrel emerged from the catacombs of the TARDIS, having tired of exploring every nook and cranny.

“Here Ripper!” smiled Harrison.Β  “You missed everything!”Β  Ripper ran towards his best friend…followed by his new friend.

“Umm…” said Johnny.Β  “How many squirrels did we bring with us on this trip?” he asked.

“Just one…” answered Harrison.

“Then, who’s that?” followed up Johnny, pointing towards tiny, playful Purgatorius Prime.

The Doctor stood up and raised his arms in caution.Β  “Careful, gentlemen.Β  No sudden moves.Β  Stay seated.”Β  He knelt to the ground and smiled at the small creature.Β  “Remarkable.Β  Now how did you get in here?” he asked the creature who stared, not understanding.Β  The Doctor glanced up towards little Ripper, on Harrison’s shoulder.Β  “Never mind.Β  I think I know.”

The Doctor spoke to his companions.Β  “My friends, I would like you to meet someone very special.Β  Possibly the most special person…the most special creature in all your planet’s entire history.Β  I introduce you to your own ancestor.Β  Gentlemen, meet your great great great to the millionth power great grandmother, Purgatorius.”

Mike’s jaw dropped as it often does.Β  “Are you saying…”

Johnny continued the thought.Β  “That this little creature…”

Harrison finished.Β  “Is the ancestor of all humanity?”

The Doctor smiled.Β  “Not just that, El Moustachio.Β  Of every primate that ever lived on this planet.Β  Every ape, every chimp, every orangutan, and yes, every person.Β  This very creature.Β  Of all the creatures, of all the Purgatoriuses that we could have encountered at any point in space and time…and we happen to find the one that survives and goes on to populate the planet with her progeny.Β  Purgatorius Prime.Β  Remarkable.”Β  He shook his head in disbelief, and finally he stood again.

“Well, the solution here is clear!” concluded the Doctor.Β  “We bring this wee little beast back to the exact point of our departure, 66 million years ago, and bring her home.Β  Timeline restored, we finally come back to the proper 1977 and get on with our mission!”

“To find out who’s been changing history in 1977 and putting a stop to it!” said Mike.

“That’s right young man!” answered the Doctor, apparently having promoted Mike from “boy” to “young man”.

“Then let’s get prehistoric again!” shouted Mike.

The Doctor smiled.Β  “Harrison, you mind that wee beast!Β  She has all humanity in her genes.Β  Let’s go!”

“Allons-y!” shouted Mike.

The Doctor stared.Β  “That’s my line.”

“It was your line,” contended Mike.Β  The Doctor paused.

“Fair.Β  It’s your line now.”

“Allons-y!” said Mike one more time as the TARDIS departed for 66,000,000 BC

The TARDIS stood in all its blue glory, stark against the green backdrop of the lush, prehistoric cliff.Β  The air was clean, and there was not a single plane or satellite in the sky.Β  The Doctor and his companions stood in the doorway of the TARDIS, to release their stowaway back to her home.Β  Back in the past to restore their future, back on the cliff where this misadventure took its left turn.

“I hope you appreciate this moment, boys,” said the Doctor to Mike, Harrison, Johnny and Ripper.Β  “We’re restoring time to its proper flow, having saved one of the most important animals of all time.Β  Purgatorius, the ancestor of all primates.”

A little brown creature, no larger than a squirrel but roughly the same in appearance, scooted out of the TARDIS, back to its home.Β  It waved goodbye to Ripper the Squirrel, who looked terribly sad to be losing his new friend.Β  History had to be repaired, and this little creature had an important destiny ahead.Β  She jumped, and scooted into the leaves.Β  Out of sight, and safely back home.

The Doctor clapped his hands and spoke to his companions.Β Β “Right!Β  Again!Β  Everyone back to your seats, we’re off to the races…again.Β  Setting year for 1977, London, Oxford street.”Β  The doctor confidently manipulated his controls, and pulled the levers.Β  The TARDIS groaned once more, and disappeared in both space and time.

Where the TARDIS stood in the lush green, there was a clear, square depression in the ground.Β  A T. Rex roared in the distance, while a male Purgatorius nosed its way, sniffing the ground where the TARDIS had been, searching for his mate.Β  Suddenly, she too appeared from the leaves, searching for him.Β  Finally reunited, the pair went off into the forest to fulfill their destiny.

To be concluded….

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:Β  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGAΒ 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:Β  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS:Β  PHASE THREE – THE UNICRON SAGA

SPINOFFS AND SIDE QUESTS

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

 

 

The Northern Lights: A Doctor in the House Part I

THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS – Phase 3 – The Unicron Saga

Chapter Nine:Β  A Doctor in the House Part I

“Gentlemen, I’ve called you with the most urgent of missions.Β  We must act with haste.Β  The fate of the world is at stake…again.”Β  Tim Durling, head of the Durling Foundation, was not kidding around this time.

“Again?Β  Merde, I feel like all we do is save the world!” cried Jex Rambo via video call.

“You can say that again!” agreed Mike, the Brainiac II.

“Merde, I feel like all we do is save the world!” repeated Jex Rambo.

“Easy Jex,” calmed Mr. Durling.Β  “I haven’t even told you the mission yet.”

On the call were a spate of the Northern Lights’ highest ranking members.Β  Its leader, Tim Durling, was front and center.Β  The lines on his face spoke of sleepless nights and stone-cold serious days.Β  He has clearly been burning the midnight oil.

Surrounding his window were the trusted Northern Lights high command:Β  the long-haired Harrison Holden, also known as El Moustachio from across the world in Australia.Β  His ally Ripper the Squirrel must have been scuttling about the floor somewhere, for he was not perched upon Harrison’s shoulder as normal.Β  Β Behind him: his beloved portraits of Disney’s Stitch, and Iron Maiden’s Maiden Japan.

From Northern Lights Kincardine HQ were an unlikely quartet, gathered together by their last mission to Georgia via Kincardine habour. Mike, the “Brainiac II” and Specialist Jen were front and center, flanked by Robert Daniels the King of Sharks, and Max the Swinging Axe.Β  He was, of course, a big deal.Β  He was hanging around to assist Rob on his next mission: salvaging his ship the HMS Visions In Sound from the bottom of the Atlantic.Β  He had a priceless soundtracks collection aboard her, fortunately sealed in vaults when the ship went down.

From the UK came the 80s Metal Man (also a Michael), rarely seen on these calls as he was usually quite occupied on his side of the world.Β  He had a wise, teacher-like appearance.Β  He wore a suit jacket and tie.

Jex Rambo, shirtless as usual, was coming through from Owen Sound, Ontario.Β  He was stationed there at Aaron’s Archive, and had set up a mini-gym in the basement, from which he was broadcasting.Β  Mr. Aaron Books was upstairs in another room, broadcasting from his own office.

The Snowman was in attendance, recently cleared of suspicions that he was a spy on behalf of Unicron the Planet Eater, loud and clear all the way from the Stone Mountains in Georgia.Β  His internet had just been reconnected, this time with a reliable company and not an affiliate of the Decepticons.

The Nothern Lights newest member, Johnny Homework was there on this his first call.Β  By his side was his trusty protocol droid R0-GR, calling in from Alabama.Β  Johnny’s hair has been growing quite luxurious.Β  Meanwhile, the red-bearded droid R0-GR sat silent in his gold skin – his usually loud voice being necessarily muted for this call.

Only absent from this meeting was Bernard the Knight (who hadn’t even mastered 18th century technology yet, let alone the 21st), and the mysterious Night Ranger.Β  Supposedly off on a mission.

Supposedly.

“Metal Man, why don’t you take it from here?” motioned Durling.

“Very well,” answered the Metal Man.Β  “As you know, my jurisdiction is monitoring other planes of reality, such as Rock and Roll Heaven.Β  I am also charged with temporal affairs.Β  I have noticed slight changes, and indications that someone has been messing with time.”

“Slight changes?” asked Rob, the King of Sharks.Β  “Such as?”

“This one is minor, but more are coming.Β  Tell me, can you remember who Iron Maiden’s mascot is?”

Mike jumped up.Β  He and Harrison were big fans.Β  “Of course!Β  Iron Maiden’s mascots are Khn and Klek de Poitrine, the alien duo!Β  They’ve been on every album cover since the debut, and their appearance on Powerslave was legendary!”

Harrison pointed at an album hanging on his wall.Β  “There’s Klek de Poitrine right there on the cover of Maiden Japan.Β  The classic image of him with his samurai sword.”Β  Easy question.Β  What was the Metal Man getting at?

“WRONG!” answered the Metal Man.Β  “Iron Maiden’s mascot should be a living corpse named Eddie.Β  Eddie the Head, as illustrated by Derek Riggs.”

“Who?” asked Tim Durling.Β  “Never heard of him.”

“Exactly!Β  Derek Riggs has been erased from history!Β  According to newspapers from the era, he was murdered in 1977 and they never found the killer.Β  Therefore, he would never paint the Eddie that would become the first Maiden cover.Β  Angine de Poitrine modeled for a different painter instead.Β  Now here is another question.Β  Who replaced Ozzy Osbourne in Black Sabbath in 1977?Β  Clue – it’s not Dio.”

“I got this one!” said Johnny Homework.Β  “Rod Evans from Deep Purple.”Β  Johnny was absolutely certain of the facts regarding this obscure lineup change.Β Β “Rod was only in the band for long enough to do one TV appearance, a rendition of a new song called ‘Junior’s Eyes'”.Β  Johnny crossed his arms in confidence.

“Wrong again!” answered the Metal Man.Β  “Ozzy was initially replaced by Dave Walker, of Savoy Brown and Fleetwood Mac.”

“Impossible,” interrupted Durling.Β  He shook his head to make his point.Β  “I wrote a book on Fleetwood Mac.Β  I would know.”

“Yes you would, if someone didn’t change history.Β  Dave Walker disappeared in 1977, never to be found.Β  But it should not have been that way.Β  Dave Walker recorded an early version of ‘Junior’s Eyes’ for television.Β  Or, he should have if he didn’t disappear.”Β  Metal Man switched his display to a timeline chart, and continued to speak.Β  “Gentlemen, someone has gone back in time to 1977 and is changing rock history.Β  We’ve seen something like this before, so we know we can undo it!Β  It is your job to go back in time and stop the killer, or killers, from doing this.”

“There’s more,” added Durling.Β  “Your secondary mission is to find out who is behind this, and why.Β  However, your primary mission remains your top priority.Β  Prevent the killings.Β  Restore history.”Β  He was firm.

There was a grave understanding on the group call.Β  Then, the stoic Harrison spoke.Β  “I suppose I’d better get reading the logs of our original adventures and review how time travel works.Β  It was complicated,” he sighed.

“Not anymore!” answered the Metal Man.Β  “Here in England, we have certain contacts that you do not have.Β  Gentlemen, please meet my newest friend.”Β  He paused for dramatic effect.

Suddenly, at Northern Lights HQ in Kincardine Ontario, a groaning sound was heard.Β  A light began to flash in the center of the room of the old cottage.Β  Mike, Jen, Rob and Max turned and stared as a blue telephone box faded into existence in the middle of the room.Β  All of this was captured via webcam and broadcast to the others.Β  The Metal Man smiled smugly behind his camera, while everyone else’s jaws dropped to the floor.

“Putain de merde!” cried Jex.Β  “I know that telephone box!”

“Technically a police box,” corrected Metal Man.

There was steam in the room, clouding the view of the legendary TARDIS.Β  With a crack of light, the door opened.Β  Out stepped a tall, skinny older man with curly white hair atop a long face, aged with wisdom.Β  Wearing black sunglasses and a red guitar, the older man smiled.Β  Mike, Jen, Rob and Max all stood and stared at their guest that had suddenly appeared in their living room.Β  Everyone was dumbstruck.

“Well?” said the older man, breaking the silence in a Scottish accent.Β  “Aren’t y’going t’say anythin’?”

It was Rob who spoke first.Β  “It’s you!Β  The Doctor!”

“The Twelfth Doctor, to be precise!” answered the man, the spitting image of an actor named Peter Capaldi.Β  But that was surely coincidence.Β  Only the Snowman seemed to not know who had just arrived.

“Doctor?Β  Who?” he asked.

“Precisely!” answered the Doctor.

“Woah!” said Max the Axe.Β  “What’s in the box, Doc?”

The Doctor removed his sunglasses.Β  He stepped directly in front of Max.Β  His bulging eyes were framed by eyebrows like old grey caterpillars.

“You want to know what’s in that box? I’ll tell you what’s in that box! It’s a time machine! It also travels in space! And it usually contains a man who just wants to get on with his work of preventing the end of the world β€” but keeps on getting interrupted by boring little humans!

“Now if you will, I’m a busy man, and I’d like t’get on wit’it.Β  You!”Β  He pointed at Mike.Β  “Get in.Β  The rest of you, I’ll have him back by supper time.Β  I’d like a hot tea when I return.Β  You do have tea here, don’t you?Β  Of course you do, you’re not savages.Β  Now, come on!” he gestured.Β  “Get in!Β  We have to go pick up your Australian friend.Β  And, we’re going to need to pick up that guy too.”Β  He pointed right at Johnny Homework on the screen.Β  “You sir, with the nice hair.Β  Suit up!”Β  Johnny made a “who, me?” gesture, but the Doctor wasn’t wasting time to clarify.

“C’mon, don’t you know you have a world to save?Β  Are you waitin’ fer a custom invitation?Β  Pick up your jaws and go!”

“It really is bigger on the inside,” marveled Harrison.Β  Ripper the Squirrel stood upon his shoulder.Β  The little fellow just wanted to run and run and run through the infinite catwalks and corridors of this time machine, but he was wary of the grumpy old man in the black coat.Β  After all, he had never seen an episode of the TV show chronicling the adventures of the legendary Doctor.

“I reckon it’s bigger in here than the stadium in Atlanta where I saw Metallica!” marveled Johnny Homework.

“I’ve dreamed of this place since I was a kid,” said Mike.

The team were in place.Β  Mike, Harrison, Ripper, and Johnny were the companions of Number Twelve.Β  The Doctor.Β  Who?Β  Just the Doctor.Β  A Time Lord, from Gallifrey, with a time travelling machine called the TARDIS:Β  Time and Relative Dimensions in Space.Β  An actual time machine.Β  The Doctor was working the controls, but seemed frustrated.

“Blast,” he exclaimed, apparently not aware that he said it aloud.

“Is everything going smooth over there Doc?” asked Johnny.

“Nae bother,” answered the Doctor.Β  Then he turned and gave them all a big toothy smile.Β  “How’d you boys like a little detour first?”

“Detour?Β  I thought you said we had to hurry?” asked Mike.

“Nae, nae,” answered the Doctor.Β  “I said I was in hurry.Β  This is a time machine, boy!”

“I’m 54,” answered Mike.

“And I’m 4.5 trillion years old,” said the Doctor.Β  “Or 1000.Β  Depends on who y’ask, but that’s not important.Β  Aaanyway, this is what’s happened.Β  The TARDIS, y’know, she’s a little eccentric and she blew a temporal fuse.Β  We’re slightly off course, so we’re goin’ te land somewhere safe until she can regrow the fuse.”

“OK, but where…or when are we?”

The Doctor did that cagey smile again.Β  “Well that’s the thing isn’t it?Β  Without the temporal fuse, ye can’t tell time, can ye?”

“I wouldn’t know,” answered Mike.Β  “I guess you can’t?”

“Of course you can’t my boy!”Β  The Doctor stepped closer in dramatic fashion, the tails of his black coat falling behind.Β  His angry Scottish attack eyebrows were shockingly close to the Brainiac’s face.Β  Β “So we’re going to do it the old fashioned way.Β  We open the door and look outside!”

A thud was felt as the TARDIS set down on ground, somewhere and somewhen.Β  The Doctor smiled in false confidence and sauntered to the time machine door.

Outside, they were on the edge of a cliff over a lush, green valley.Β  The Doctor grinned and gestured to the door.Β  “Told you,” he said.Β  “It’s Earth.Β  And by the smell and taste, I’d guess we’re somewhere in North America.Β  First century AD.Β  Shortly after the birth of Christ.”Β  He raised his finger in the air.Β  “Tuesday.”

His analysis was interrupted by a great roar.Β  A roar unlike anything these men had ever heard before.Β  A Time Lord though?Β  The Doctor was well familiar with that roar.Β  He smiled again, trying to project confidence.

“OK, I’m off by a few million years give or take, but I still say it is a Tuesday.Β  It tastes like Tuesday.”

“What is that?” cried Johnny Homework.

“That my good boy is a Tyrannosaurus rex, female if I had to guess,” answered the Doctor.

“Close the door!!” yelled Johnny Homework.

“Right,” said the Doctor.Β  “So, this places us exactly 69 to 66Β million years ago.”

“That’s not exact,” said Mike with growing anxiety.Β  The Doctor ignored him.

“So listen up,” continued the Doctor.Β  “We just need to to wait a wee bit while the TARDIS regrows the temporal fuse.Β  Now, you seem like some serious music men.”Β  His bulging eyes looked the group up and down, one by one.Β  “Let’s have a jam, if any of you play.Β  I have some guitars…”

Johnny stood up, “Sure, I could jam, why not?Β  It’ll relieve the stress.”Β  The Doctor handed him a jagged guitar, white and black.Β  It resembled something that Canadian guitar journeyman Sean Kelly would have played.Β  Johnny admired it a moment.

Harrison sat next to the Doctor for an optimal view.Β  The Doctor and the Student strapped their axes on.Β  Then, the Doctor started.Β  “Key of E,” he said.Β  “Follow me.”

And so the Doctor and Johnny made beautiful music together, weaving blues chords over light dreamy melodies.Β  It was quite something to see.Β  Mike danced like nobody was watching, while Harrison just sat and enjoyed.Β  A rare smile approached his lips.

Meanwhile, while his shipmates were lost in the music, Ripper took the time to explore the TARDIS.Β  Of all the crew, Ripper was the only one who did not understand the existential circumstances they were in.Β  He heard the roar, but didn’t fear it.Β  He did fear and trust this strange Doctor, and was intensely curious about the green scenery he had seen through the door.Β  With little trepidation, Ripper decided to explore outside as well as in.

Opening the door a crack, Ripper stepped outside and sniffed the oxygen-rich air.Β  The sun was brilliant and high in the sky.Β  The moon was visible too, and larger than he remembered.Β  Ripper would not understand that in 66 to 69 million years from now, the moon’s orbit would drift slightly further away.Β  The air here was pristine, like nothing he had ever smelled before.Β  With tentative steps, Ripper sniffed the ground and explored the perimeter of the TARDIS.Β  In the distance he spied tall mountains, and even a distant roaring volcano.Β  There were deep valleys, rolling streams, and not a single human in sight.Β  It was so strange and wondrous.

Out of the corner of his eye, Ripper spied movement.Β  A small brown creature approached from the leaves.Β  It looked like a squirrel, but it was not.Β  Scientists of the 21st century would call it Purgatorius, the first primate.Β  Laymen would mistake her for a squirrel or perhaps a chipmunk, but as the first primate, inside her genes lay not just the entire future of mankind but also every ape, chimpanzee and gorilla that ever lived.Β  In a very real sense, this small creature now frolicking with Ripper was Eve.Β  Yes, Eve, to every primate yet to be born: Purgatorius Prime.

“Squee squee?” queried Ripper in curiosity.

“Squor-quor!” answered Purgatorius Prime.

Having made friends, the two ran circles around each other in playful chase.Β  Meanwhile, inside the TARDIS, the sound of a great jam session was reaching its apex of melodic drama.Β  Johnny Homework dug deep into the fretboard, bending the strings hard, while the Doctor grinned in great approval.Β  Ripper’s ears perked up.Β  He didn’t want to miss this!

“Squee squee?” invited Ripper, as he gestured inside the door.

“Squor-quor!” answered Purgatorius in agreement.Β  The pair ran inside, and the door shut behind them.

Johnny Homework strummed some final chords as the Doctor played an outro lick.Β  Mike and Harrison cheered in approval.Β  Ripper and Purgatorius ran into another room, unnoticed by the others, in playful excitement.

“Well done Johnny!” applauded the Doctor, removing his black sunglasses.Β  “We’ll make a rock star of you yet.Β  Now!Β  Let’s check on that temporal fuse.”

The Doctor walked to the center console and looked under.Β  “Almost half way there,” he shouted from underneath.Β  “We’ll be underway in an hour…maybe two.”

Harrison stood to stretch.Β  “Has anyone seen Ripper?” he asked.

“Not recently,” answered Mike.Β  “He went off to explore the TARDIS.”

“OK, good,” said a reassured Harrison.

“Hey Doctor, I have a question,” said Mike.Β  “If you don’t mind.Β  If you’ve been real this whole time, how come you never helped us in the past?Β  Like when we were battling the forces of Satan, or when I…” he paused.Β  “When I died.Β  Or when there are wars?Β  How come?”

“A fair question my boy,” answered the Doctor as he took a seat.Β  “And the answer is, who says I didn’t?Β  And, who says time isn’t unfolding exactly as it always has?”Β  He smiled as reassuring a smile as he could muster.Β  “I’m a Time Lord.Β  I’ve never claimed to be God.Β  Just a madman, with a box.Β  I’ve run across the universe and dimensions you cannot even picture in your most vivid of dreams.Β  One of the trillions of trinkets of wisdom I’ve picked up along the way is this:Β  Trust people to find their own way.Β  Humanity is a wreckless, warlike, sometimes filthy race…”Β  Mike looked shocked a moment, but the Doctor continued.Β  “…still as individuals, you continue to shine.Β  And that is why I have chosen Earth as my home, and not Gallifrey.Β  It’s certainly not the weather.Β  It’s the people.”Β  The Doctor laughed aloud.Β  “Have ye seen the weather in London?Β  You cannae see where you’re going half the time with the accursed fog six days a week.”

“I get it,” said Mike.Β  “Free will and all that stuff.Β  Humanity has lessons to learn, etcetera.”

“More than that,” smiled the Doctor.Β  “But so long as blood pumps through my two hearts, Earth will remain defended.”

“So we can count on you in our upcoming battle to save Earth from…”

The Doctor waved his hands and cut him off.Β Β He grinned that grin, the prickly one you give when you’ve tired of talking.

“My boy, I think you’ve watched enough movies to know that I can’t tell you about your own future.”

Mike looked dejected, but knew when a line of questioning was at its end.Β  “Can’t you…can’t you just say something more reassuring?”

It was then that Harrison spoke up with his own particular Australian perspective.Β  He turned to Mike the Brainiac.Β  “I understand your pain.Β  We’ve all lost someone we love.Β  But, we do it his way.Β  The future may be ours.”

Mike nodded.Β  “That’s somewhat familiar for some reason.Β  OK.Β  I trust Harrison.Β  And he trusts you.Β  If he’s good, then I’m good too.”Β  Harrison nodded.Β  He was good.

A panel on the TARDIS beeped and the Doctor pulled his sonic screwdriver from a pocket.Β  He pointed it at a display, got a reading he liked, and clapped his hands.

“Right!Β  Everyone back to your seats, we’re off to the races again.Β  Setting year for…1977.Β  London, England.Β  Oxford street.”Β  The doctor manipulated his controls and pulled the levers.Β  The TARDIS groaned and disappeared in both space and time.

Where the TARDIS stood in the lush green, there was a clear, square depression in the ground.Β  A T. Rex roared in the distance, while a male Purgatorius nosed its way, sniffing the ground where the TARDIS had been, searching for, but not finding, his mate.Β  Adam had lost his Eve….

To be continued…

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:Β  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGAΒ 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:Β  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS:Β  PHASE THREE – THE UNICRON SAGA

SPINOFFS AND SIDE QUESTS

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

The Northern Lights & Star Trek: The Next Generation: A Northern Lights Multiverse Adventure [Original 1993 – NO AI]

Earth 1701.

MAD DOG MIKE WILL RETURN IN THE MULTIVERSE SAGA…

Harrison and Mike have always prided ourselves in our “NO AI!” stance when it comes to our art.Β  (Not just visual of course, but also the written word.)Β  Much like Queen with their “Nobody played synthesizer,” we have caved – partially – on AI usage in the Northern Lights series.

Harrison and Mike wanted to begin including multiversal variants of ourselves in the Northern Lights based on the concept of us being crew members on one of the Enterprises.Β  This reminded me that in 1993, I drew a comic of me as a shuttlecraft pilot.Β  It would fit seamlessly into the Northern Lights multiverse with little alteration – just some changes to the front cover to give it a Northern Lights comic header.Β  But damn, was it ugly when I scanned it.Β  Blue ink on lined paper, bleeding through to the other side.

“Could you clean it up and colour it, Harrison?”

“I could but it would take a lot of time.”

“Well, we’re trying to reduce your workload, not increase it.Β  I hate to say it, but I’m going to ask AI to clean it up and colour it.”

Which is what I did.Β  I went to…(I can’t believe I’m admitting all this, but I always to my best to be transparent with my work)…I went to Chat GPT and entered this instruction.

“I drew this comic based on Star Trek.Β  Please clean it up and colour it.”

That sent me down a rabbit hole.Β  I did not keep track of how many revisions I had to tell it to make in order to get something presentable.Β  I learned quickly that AI cannot make simple changes to your image without redrawing it completely, and this means something that looked OK on the last revision looks wrong now.Β  But let’s start with what I got when I told AI to clean it up and colour it in.

I got:Β  A female me in one panel, constantly changing uniform colours, Geordi’s skin tone being inconsistent from panel to panel, and a continuous lack of understanding of what Geordi’s visor actually was.Β  AI had multiple visors in most panels, and I had to settle for what I was getting.Β  In the end, I used Microsoft Paint to cut and past the best renditions into one panel, because AI kept changing my face and making me more conventional.Β  See image below:

Then we moved onto the cover image, which AI never got right and I had to give up and finish it manually.Β  I asked it to clean up the cover image, and colour it similarly to the last one.Β  I also asked it to remember that my character was the same person as the prior image, so it wouldn’t make me female again.Β  (I was hot.)Β  The AI got it more or less right, and then I wanted to make selective changes here and there.Β  Only I couldn’t.Β  The straw that broke the camel’s back was that AI could not change the title box on the left without changing everything else.Β  You can see the image below is what I was left with when I gave up.Β  All I wanted to do was change the title box on the top left!Β  It cannot do that.Β  It continually changed the shape of the Enterprise, the face of the alien, and my face as well, going further and further away from my original on every attempt.Β  A huge fail for AI.Β  The alien in particular got creepier and more vampire-like on some revisions.

It’s also worth noting that AI took many liberties in cleaning and colouring my image.Β  It knew to darken the background and make the stars white.Β  It added more stars, and two planets that I did not ask for.Β  It removed panel lines that I wanted on the alien’s UFO.Β  It changed my face quite a bit, and I had to continually tell it to make the face look more like my original sketch.Β  The text was formatted by the AI to look more like a comic, but I liked it and it wasn’t worth customizing.Β  I had reached the point where AI couldn’t get closer to what I wanted without ruining everything we had already got.Β  Β Diminishing returns.

Then, I went in for a second round of edits, to further hone in on what I wanted.Β  In the end I finally got close enough for rock and roll.

In a perfect world, I would have preferred to have Harrison clean up and colour the originals manually, but that wasn’t feasible.Β  To see what AI made, click here.Β  Thank you for your understanding or scorn, whichever it may be.

MikeΒ 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:Β  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGAΒ 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:Β  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS:Β  PHASE THREE – THE UNICRON SAGA

 

 

SPINOFFS AND SIDE QUESTS

Β 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Northern Lights & Star Trek: The Next Generation: A Northern Lights Multiverse Adventure [AI ENHANCED]

Earth 1701.Β Β [For the original AI-free version of this comic, click here.Β  For an explanation to “why AI?”, scroll to the bottom]

 

 

 

 

MAD DOG MIKE WILL RETURN IN THE MULTIVERSE SAGA…

Harrison and Mike have always prided ourselves in our “NO AI!” stance when it comes to our art.Β  (Not just visual of course, but also the written word.)Β  Much like Queen with their “Nobody played synthesizer,” we have caved – partially – on AI usage in the Northern Lights series.

Harrison and Mike wanted to begin including multiversal variants of ourselves in the Northern Lights based on the concept of us being crew members on one of the Enterprises.Β  This reminded me that in 1993, I drew a comic of me as a shuttlecraft pilot.Β  It would fit seamlessly into the Northern Lights multiverse with little alteration – just some changes to the front cover to give it a Northern Lights comic header.Β  But damn, was it ugly when I scanned it.Β  Blue ink on lined paper, bleeding through to the other side.

“Could you clean it up and colour it, Harrison?”

“I could but it would take a lot of time.”

“Well, we’re trying to reduce your workload, not increase it.Β  I hate to say it, but I’m going to ask AI to clean it up and colour it.”

Which is what I did.Β  I went to…(I can’t believe I’m admitting all this, but I always to my best to be transparent with my work)…I went to Chat GPT and entered this instruction.

“I drew this comic based on Star Trek.Β  Please clean it up and colour it.”

That sent me down a rabbit hole.Β  I did not keep track of how many revisions I had to tell it to make in order to get something presentable.Β  I learned quickly that AI cannot make simple changes to your image without redrawing it completely, and this means something that looked OK on the last revision looks wrong now.Β  But let’s start with what I got when I told AI to clean it up and colour it in.

I got:Β  A female me in one panel, constantly changing uniform colours, Geordi’s skin tone being inconsistent from panel to panel, and a continuous lack of understanding of what Geordi’s visor actually was.Β  AI had multiple visors in most panels, and I had to settle for what I was getting.Β  In the end, I used Microsoft Paint to cut and past the best renditions into one panel, because AI kept changing my face and making me more conventional.Β  See image below:

Then we moved onto the cover image, which AI never got right and I had to give up and finish it manually.Β  I asked it to clean up the cover image, and colour it similarly to the last one.Β  I also asked it to remember that my character was the same person as the prior image, so it wouldn’t make me female again.Β  (I was hot.)Β  The AI got it more or less right, and then I wanted to make selective changes here and there.Β  Only I couldn’t.Β  The straw that broke the camel’s back was that AI could not change the title box on the left without changing everything else.Β  You can see the image below is what I was left with when I gave up.Β  All I wanted to do was change the title box on the top left!Β  It cannot do that.Β  It continually changed the shape of the Enterprise, the face of the alien, and my face as well, going further and further away from my original on every attempt.Β  A huge fail for AI.Β  The alien in particular got creepier and more vampire-like on some revisions.

It’s also worth noting that AI took many liberties in cleaning and colouring my image.Β  It knew to darken the background and make the stars white.Β  It added more stars, and two planets that I did not ask for.Β  It removed panel lines that I wanted on the alien’s UFO.Β  It changed my face quite a bit, and I had to continually tell it to make the face look more like my original sketch.Β  The text was formatted by the AI to look more like a comic, but I liked it and it wasn’t worth customizing.Β  I had reached the point where AI couldn’t get closer to what I wanted without ruining everything we had already got.Β  Β Diminishing returns.

Then, I went in for a second round of edits, to further hone in on what I wanted.Β  In the end I finally got close enough for rock and roll.

In a perfect world, I would have preferred to have Harrison clean up and colour the originals manually, but that wasn’t feasible.Β  In the end, I do feel a weird sense of satisfaction, seeing a close approximation of my 1993 cartoon, coloured and cleaned.Β  Thank you for your understanding or scorn, whichever it may be.

To see the original, non-AI version of this comic, please click here.

 

MikeΒ 

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:Β  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGAΒ 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:Β  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS:Β  PHASE THREE – THE UNICRON SAGA

 

 

SPINOFFS AND SIDE QUESTS

Β 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

 

 

 

 

 

Adventures of the Northern Lights: Jex Feels It Again

THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS – Phase 3 – The Unicron Saga

Chapter Seven: Jex Feels It Again

Jex Rambo was on high alert.

The last few days were a flash!Β  One moment he was finishing up paperwork for Mr. Durling and the Durling Foundation, and the next he was on a plane with the mysterious Night Ranger on his way to Ontario.Β  There were some very important documents kept at Aaron’s Archive in Owen Sound.Β  Jex and the Ranger were assigned to protect the Archive.Β  Much to his shock and disbelief, their friends Mike and Harrison had recently been attacked by a Transformer.Β  An actual alien robot disguised as a truck.Β  Anything goes now, thought Jex.Β  What was fiction is real, and he could not rest.

And so he patrolled, outside, keeping a close eye on every vehicle, person and animal he spotted.Β  Shirtless, of course, Jex Rambo didn’t even break a sweat in the hot sun.Β  The consummate professional.

He reached to his belt and pulled out his radio.

“Rambo to Ranger, Rambo to Ranger, come in Night Ranger,” he spoke.Β  “Over.”

“Night Ranger here,” replied the mysterious figure.Β  “On the roof.”

Jex looked up and shaded his eyes from the bright mid-day sun.Β  A figure in black could be seen, crouching, watching.

“Got you in my sights,” confirmed Jex.Β  “You got this area covered mon ami.Β  I’m going to widen my patrol.Β  Will report back.Β  Jex out.”

While he missed the ocean, Owen Sound wasn’t so bad.Β  There was water, and the people were friendly.Β  Not to mention, he got to hang out with Aaron again.Β  In theory!Β  Aaron was currently with his family at a hockey game.Β  The Owen Sound Attack.Β  Not as great as the Moncton Wildcats, but not bad, thought Jex.Β  He hoped his friend was having a good time.Β  Meanwhile, it was his job to make sure the Archive was secure.Β  It was a modest house in the outskirts of town, but the Durling Foundation had spared no expense with a top-notch security system.Β  Not to mention, the best security that money could buy:Β  Jex and the Night Ranger themselves!

Jex’s radio crackled again.Β  “Jex Rambo here,” he spoke.

“Hey, it’s me again,” said the voice on the other end:Β  the Night Ranger.Β  “Listen, I hate to bug you, but since you’re out there…”

Jex shrugged.Β  The Ranger had a habit of sending him out on errands while he sat on the roof.Β  “Yeah…” sighed Jex.

“It’s no big deal if you can’t, but I was browsing Discogs and you won’t believe it.Β  There is a local seller here in town with a Japanese picture sleeve promo copy of ‘Don’t Tell Me You Love Me’ and Mr. Durling would really like to have it.Β  Since it’s right here in town, you understand.”

“Yeah…” sighed Jex again.Β  “Give me the address.Β  I’ll go pick it up.”

Jex was seated in the vehicle that the Durling Foundation had sent them for local travel.Β  As was his penchant lately, Durling was using cars designed after original Generation One Autobots.Β  And so, he found himself behind the wheel of a yellow Lamborghini with a huge silver exposed engine in the back.Β  “Sunstreaker” was what Durling had called it.Β  Jex was driving in the least inconspicuous vehicle in all of Ontario right now.Β  At least it was a sweet ride.Β  Stopped at a traffic light, a gaggle of girls swooned at his manly visage in the yellow supercar.Β  He raised his sunglasses, winked and gunned the engine.Β  Yeah, this wasn’t a bad ride at all.

He glanced again at the GPS.Β  “Ray” was the contact, and the location was only a few more lights away.Β  It was a popular bar called The Big Prize.Β  According to a Google search, their karaoke contest every Friday night always drew a crowd.

“Maybe I’ll stay and have some wings,” thought Jex.Β  He couldn’t remember the last time he had a good half-pound of chicken wings.Β  “Night Ranger always sending me out on these errands for Durling.Β  You never see him going out.Β  ‘Oh I can’t show my face.’Β  What an excuse.Β  Just a reason to make Jex do all his work!Β  I’m going to get hot wings.”

There it was just ahead:Β  The Big Prize Karaoke Bar and Grill.Β  Looked alright.Β  It was midday and so there was ample parking.Β  He pulled the yellow beast into a perfect spot right in front of the entrance.Β  Stepping out and shirtless, Jex easily drew the attention of passers-by.

“Sorry ladies, I’m here on business!” he chided as he cooly crossed the sidewalk to the entrance of the bar.Β  One fainted, but was caught by her friend.Β  Jex didn’t notice, however, because he soon found himself thwarted in his mission.Β  By a sign.

“NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO ENTRY” it said in big, bold yellow text.

“Merde!!” stomped Jex.Β  “Foiled by a stupid yellow sign!”

Jex had to park the Lambo way back in the Walmart parking lot.Β  Durling would be furious if he got a scratch or a ding.Β  But, he needed a shirt.Β  Walmart would have a cheap T-shirt he could throw on, surely.

He strolled up to the big entrance, now starting to sweat a bit in the afternoon sun.Β  The doors swooshed open and he strode into a blast of cold air.

“O, Γ§a fait du bien!!” he exclaimed as the Walmart air conditioning bathed his skin.Β  “That feels so good.”

He smiled and walked through the gate, only to be halted by a little old lady in a red vest.

“I’m sorry sir, you can’t come in without a shirt!”Β  She tapped a yellow sign with a marker in her hand. Jex pulled his sunglasses down his nose to take a closer look.Β  “Qu’est-ce que c’est??” The sign read SHIRTS AND SHOES MUST BE WORN IN THIS ESTANBLISHMENT.

“Merde again!!” swore Jex.Β  He swiftly felt bad for it.Β  “Oh, sorry lady, pardon my French.Β  It’s just that I need a shirt!”

“Oui, you do!!” she returned to him in a sarcastic tone.Β  “Don’t make me tap the sign again.”

“TouchΓ© ,” said Jex.Β  Just then, a kid entered and walked up to Jex.Β  He poked him in the arm.

“Hey mister!” he said with excitement.Β  “Is that your car out there?”

“It sure is!” smiled Jex.Β  “Hey wait.Β  Kid – you wanna make a little extra money today?”Β  He handed the kid two twenties.Β  “Go in and buy me a T-shirt, large size.Β  Bring it back to me and you can keep the change.”

“Sure thing mister!!”

The kid ran into the store.Β  Jex smiled at the lady, and waited.

And waited.Β  He tapped his toes to the muzak.Β  Waited some more.

10 minutes.Β  Now 20.

“I don’t think he’s coming back,” said the lady.

“SacrΓ© bleu!” stomped Jex again.Β  “Hey…lady…would you mind?Β  I really need a shirt, as you know, and you can keep the change.Β  Please…help a guy out?”Β  He pleaded.

The lady, smirked.Β  She pretended to think about it a moment, and then said “Gimme $50 and I’ll go get you a T-shirt.”

Jex winced, but pulled two more twenties and a ten from his wallet.Β  “Merci madame, merci.”Β  And you’re welcome, he thought to himself.

The lady took his money and grinned.Β  Five minutes later she was back with a Walmart shopping there.

“Thank you for shopping at Walmart, your receipt is in the bag, have a nice day sir,” she said, handing him the plastic bag.

“Merci,” Jex repeated, and ran back to the Lambo.Β  He opened the bag and pulled out a shirt.Β  A white T-shirt with Barney the dinosaur on it.Β  The receipt fell out of the bag, onto the ground.Β  Jex bent over and picked it up.

“SacrΓ© bleu again!!”Β  He read it aloud:Β  “SALE – FIVE DOLLARS!?”Β  It didn’t take a calculator to do the math.Β  He was down $85 because of a $5 T-shirt!Β  He drove the Lambo up to the entrance, squealed the tires, and flipped the old lady the bird.Β  Her mouth fell agape in shock, but Jex didn’t feel badly this time.

“I’ve had about enough of this day,” said Jex to himself.Β  The cool air blasted his face inside the Lambo.Β  “Well, at least all I have to do now is pick up the record.”

Once more, he parked the yellow Lambo in front of The Big Prize Karaoke Bar and Grill.Β  He stepped out and grimaced as he slipped on his brand new Barney the Dinosaur T-shirt.Β  It fit, but…wow.Β  This time, a flock of girls laughed as he entered the bar.

“Haha, yeah, it’s a funny shirt,” he waved.Β  “I’m wearing it ironically of course.”Β  They giggled some more.

A server greeted him at the front desk, but tried not to stare at his shirt.Β  “Hello and welcome to the Big Prize!Β  Can I get you a table?Β  Karaoke room is popular today.”

“Actually, I’m a bit late…long story…but I was supposed to meet a guy named Ray here.Β  Is he still here?” asked Jex.

“Oh!Β  Ray the owner?Β  Yes he’s right over there, in the karaoke room.”Β  She pointed to a man in the adjoining room.Β  He was slender, with sunglasses, and a shaved head.

“Oh he’s the owner!Β  Merci!” said Jex, “Can I order some hot wings too?” he asked.

“I’ll put the order in now!” she replied.Β  Ray noticed them from his seat, and made a signal to someone.Β  Then he motioned for Jex to come to his table.

Jex removed his sunglasses and smiled with hand extended, as he approached Ray the owner.Β  Ray stood, and removed his glasses.Β  He did not look happy.Β  Jex could see that.

“I’m really sorry that I’m late, long story,” said Jex in way of apology.Β  But Ray wasn’t hearing any of it.Β  He looked Jex straight in the eye.

“I don’t know Tim Durling…but you?Β  I never forget a face…mister…Rouselle?”

Jex gasped.

“Ray Coburn…” he whispered.

It all came back in a flash.Β  It was years ago, but it did happen.Β  A viral video.Β  Jex mocking the song “Feel It Again” by Honeymoon Suite… especially making fun the of keyboards.Β  A song Ray Coburn wrote.Β  Ray Coburn, the keyboard player for Honeymoon Suite.Β  Coburn called him out online.Β  Β Jex issued a second video in way of apology, but it failed to take.Β  “It wasn’t your keyboards, man!Β  It’s the fact that there were keyboards in the first place!” pleaded Jex in the video, not ingratiating himself to Ray in any way.

Ray smiled at him coldly.Β  “Please…have a seat.”Β  He motioned to the chair across from him.Β  “I am well chuffed to finally meet you in person.Β  What a surprise!”Β  He grinned wide and clapped his hands together.Β  Β Jex sat awkwardly, as a lone bead of sweat worked its way down the left side of his face.

“Comfortable?” asked Coburn.

Jex squirmed in his chair a bit, trying to get settled.Β  “Yes…thank you.Β  Ummm, Mr. Coburn, I am truly sorry….”

Ray interrupted.Β  “And I thought my day couldn’t get any better!Β  I just booked a fall tour playing keyboards for Larry Gowan.Β  And now the famed music critic Jex Russell walks through my door!Β  What are the odds?”

Jen cleared his throat.Β  “Yeah, about that, I truly do apologize…”

Coburn shushed him.Β  “Oh, I know you do, especially now that you need something from me.Β  Durling already sent the funds.Β  The Night Ranger 7″ promo.Β  My friend Harry Hess…you know, from Harem Scarem?Β  Another band you criticized.Β  Harry brought this back from one of his Japanese tours.Β  He gave me a whole box of records in fact.Β  When Mr. Durling offered to buy it, he didn’t mention that he was sending you of all people to pick it up!Β  A bonus, so to speak.Β  Icing on the cake.Β  A treat for me, to finally meet the great music critic in person!Β  The honour is mine.”

Every word dripped with sarcasm.Β  Jex was extremely uncomfortable.Β  The server brought him his hot wings, but sensing the tension at the table, said nothing besides “enjoy”.Β  She made a swift exit, and left Ray and Jex alone.

“Have a chicken wing,” instructed Coburn.Β  “When I heard your order, I asked the chef to make them extra special just for you.”

“Oh…yay…” said Jex as he looked at the plate beneath him.Β  The wings steamed on the plate, and the capsaicin in the sauce fumes burned the sensitive skin inside his nose, as he inhaled.Β  He coughed.Β  Ray smiled.Β  Jex looked him in the eye as he steeled his face.Β  He grasped a drumstick with both hands and raised it to his mouth.Β  He bit and pulled half the meat off in one bite.Β  Before the heat could hit his tongue, he took a second bite, finishing the rest of the meat and skin.Β  He dropped the naked bone onto his plate, and returned his gaze to Ray.Β  He coughed.Β  He coughed some more.Β  He was choking and there was no water on the table!Β  Ray smiled.Β  Jex’s fingers were covered in sauce.Β  Wiping them on Barney the Dinosaur’s stomach, he made a drinking motion, asking for water.Β  Ray signaled the waitress, who brought a glass filled with water and ice.Β  Jex grabbed it with desperation and gulped every last drop of cold liquid.Β  The relief was temporary as the burning returned.Β  Jex was sweating from his scalp, and tears were forming in his eyes.

“SacrΓ©…bleu!” he croaked.

“Spicy, right?” chided Ray.Β  “That’s Pepper X extract, my personal stash.Β  2,693,000 Scoville heat units.Β  I’ll let you Google how hot that is when you gain control of your face again!” he chuckled.

That face was red and leaking fluid from every orifice except his ears.Β  Jex thought he knew what pain was.Β  He sucked back an ice cube from his water glass.

“Listen, Mr. Coburn, truly you’ve made your point and I’m sorry!” he coughed.Β  “What does it take for me to prove that?”

Ray smiled.Β  He had been waiting for Jex to ask that very question.

“You’re going to get up there on the karaoke stage, and sing ‘Feel It Again’.”

“Merde,” said Jex.Β  He still had sauce on some of his fingers, but most of it was on his shirt.Β  “Yeah, OK.”

“Great!” said Ray.Β  “Send everyone in!”

“What??” exclaimed Jex.Β  Soon, the whole kitchen staff, all the servers, and a large number of guests had gathered in the room.Β  Ray got up on the karaoke stage.

“Ladies, gentlemen, and patrons of all ages!Β  We have a treat for you this afternoon at The Big Prize karaoke room!Β  We have an online celebrity with us.Β  The great music critic, Jex Rambo!Β  He is a big Honeymoon Suite fan, and he is going to sing ‘Feel It Again’, which I wrote.Β  Jex…come on down.”

Jex smiled sheepishly and waved at the crowd as they clapped modestly.Β  He had to blink through the tears still forcing their way out of his eyes.Β  The hot chicken wing sauce continued to burn his throat, but he had already drank all the water.Β  He stepped up, glanced at the lyric monitor, and gripped the microphone.Β  He focused.Β  No little pepper sauce was going to stop him from completing his mission.Β  This stupid errand, that the Night Ranger didn’t want to do himself!Β  Well, he didn’t need the Night Ranger to save him.Β  He held the microphone to his mouth and glared at Ray.

“Let’s do this,” he said with steel in his eyes.

The song started.Β  Derry Grehan’s opening guitar licks were backed by Ray’s…wonderfully dominant keyboards.

“If you would just be sensible, you’d find me indispensable,”Β coughed Jex.

“I pray deep down in destiny, that places you with me, Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!”Β Β OK, that line went better.Β  Jex got more comfortable as he sang each line.Β Β Too many keyboards!Β  But he powered his way into the chorus.

“Waiting so long…to feel it again!Β  I thought that this heart would never mend!Β  TO FEEL IT AGAIN!Β  I KNOW, IT IS THE LIVING END!” Jex threw in some dance moves as he began to own the stage.Β  He sensed the crowd’s reaction.Β  Then, during Derry’s brilliant guitar solo, Jex went full on!Β  Moonwalking across the stage, Jex had the audience going nuts!Β  Someone tossed a bra up on stage, and Jex knew he’d finally got the job in hand.Β  His confidence restored, he tore off the Barney shirt and threw it back.Β  A lady fainted.Β  He flexed and finished the song.
“To feel it again…feel it again!Β  I thought that this heart would never mend.Β  To feel it again, I know it is the livin’ end!”Β  And with a flourish, he was done.Β  The room erupted into applause.

“Thank you!” bowed Jex.Β  “Thank you downtown Owen Sound, the pleasure was all yours!” he shouted as he leaped off the stage.

He made his way back to the table.Β  Ray handed him some napkins for his saucy hands, and the vinyl record.Β  After Jex had sufficiently cleaned the sauce off his fingers, Ray extended a hand.Β  Jex grasped it and shook.

“Well done Mr. Rambo.Β  The wings are on the house.Β  You’re welcome back here any time.Β  Tell Durling to enjoy the record,” said Ray.

“I will Mr. Coburn, and thank you.Β  You can finish the wings!Β  By the way, you were great when I saw you with Kim Mitchell,” replied Jex.

Coburn nodded in appreciation, and Jex headed back to the exit.Β  And then he realized, he had in fact been inside without a shirt.Β  Small triumph, but still a triumph.

Another girl fainted as Jex stepped into the yellow Lambo.Β  He winked as he burned rubber down the Owen Sound road.

“Not a bad day after all,” said Jex to himself.Β  “Mission accomplished, back to base and a big, cold glass of milk!”

The Lambo was soon out of sight, and quiet returned to the town.Β  Adventure would wait for another day.Β  The Night Ranger would have to be on duty tonight.Β  Jex had other plans.Β  “Racing after midnight,” he smiled.Β  Gripping the wheel, he revved the Lamborghini off into the sunset, into the Ontario countryside.

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:Β  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGAΒ 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:Β  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS:Β  PHASE THREE – THE UNICRON SAGA

 

 

SPINOFFS AND SIDE QUESTS

Β 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

 

Adventures of the Northern Lights: Night Ranger: Heroes of the World

THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS – Phase 3 – The Unicron Saga

Chapter Five:Β  Night Ranger:Β  Heroes of the World

Written and illustrated by HARRISON KOPP

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:Β  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGAΒ 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:Β  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS:Β  PHASE THREE – THE UNICRON SAGA

 

SPINOFFS AND SIDE QUESTS

Β 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

The Writer’s Room: Chapter Ten

The Writer’s Room: Chapter Ten

Harrison stumbled into the Writer’s Room more dishevelled than Mike had ever seen him before.Β  He had dark circles under his eyes, his hair had strands going hither and thon, though his moustache was still as impeccable as ever.Β  He looked a lot like Geezer Butler on this morning.

Mike was as perky as usual, sitting in his chair at the board table, sipping a hot coffee.

“Coffee?” he asked Harrison as the Australian Mad Metal Man took his seat.Β  Under his arm, a binder full of notes.Β  He opened the book and declined the drink.

“You look beat,” said Mike to Harrison with a tad of concern.

“It’s like your boys the Arkells say,” answered Harrison.Β  “We got deadlines to meet.”

It was true.Β  In addition to writing the Adventures of the Northern Lights, Mike and Harrison were also knee-deep in their latest project:Β  a series of videos called 50 Years of Iron Maiden.

“That’s why I called this meeting,” replied Mike.Β  “We both have a lot of stuff going on, especially with 50 Years of Iron Maiden.Β  I think we need to discuss priorities.”

Harrison nodded and agreed.Β  “I believe 50 Years of Iron Maiden should be our top priority now.Β  As far as our adventures go, we have for now calmed the Multiverse and there have not been further incursions from our Decepticon foes.Β  We have stopped the urgency of the fictional situations for now and introduced some intriguing threads.Β  I am OK if we take a break.”

Mike shrugged.Β  “That’s more or less what I was going to say, even though this is actually around the three year anniversary of our stories.”

Harrison thought a moment.Β  “I forgot that.Β  I don’t think it’s a big deal to anyone but us, though.”

“Here, you need to drink something,” said Mike as he poured Harrison a sparkling water from a local Canadian spring.Β  “A toast.Β  To three years of our superhero adventures…and 50 years of Iron Maiden.”

“Cheers,” said Harrison as he sipped.

“Cheers,” responded Mike.

They both enjoyed their drinks for a moment before Mike spoke.

“Alright, onto business.Β  Let’s see the art for the Seventh Son episode!Β  Allons-y!”

With that, Harrison opened his folder and the boys began jamming on ideas.Β  It would be a productive day.

The end…for now.

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:Β  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGAΒ 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:Β  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS:Β  PHASE THREE – THE UNICRON SAGA

 

SPINOFFS AND SIDE QUESTS

Β 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

The More Things Change… The Adventures of the Northern Lights (By Harrison Kopp)

THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS – Phase 3 – The Unicron Saga

Chapter Three:Β  The More Things Change…

Starring:

  • Harrison El Moustachio
  • Mike the Brainiac
  • Mr. Durling
  • Jexciter
  • Bernard
  • Some nasty monsters and knights!

It was a dark and stormy knight. And it wasn’t happy. Under a violet moon it kneeled amid the burnt rubble of what had once been the completely intact great hall of a once-formidable stronghold.

A blackened skeleton lay on the ground by him, surrounded by the fragments of a red guitar and a black helmet. A familiar helmet. A chill dropped over the already-cold mid Winter’s night.

Getting to his feet, the stormy knight let out a piercing scream, as thunder and lightning raged all around.

Whoever did this was going to pay.

 

 

β€œSo what do you think?” Tim Durling asked El Moustachio, gesturing to a computer screen. The two were in the midst of planning Moustachio’s new secret lair. After all, when he returned to Australia, he would need a state of the art HQ to lead the Australian division of the Northern Lights from.

β€œIt looks great. I can’t believe you got a real transporter system working,” Moustachio gushed. β€œSoon we’ll be able to meet up all over the world in seconds.”

β€œAnalog’s the trick, every time,” Tim replied with a smile.

β€œWhere’s that door lead?” Moustachio asked, eyeing a rectangle on the northern wall.

β€œStraight to the garage,” Tim replied.Β  “For easy access to the Interceptor.”

Moustachio nodded sagely, agreeing with the sentiment.Β Β β€œYou know, if we move the desk slightly, I reckon we can fit in another shelf of CDs there,” he began to say.

Unfortunately, the pair’s discussions were rudely interrupted by a flashing red light that beeped incessantly, demanding the undivided attention of the room’s occupants.

β€œHang on a sec,” Tim said, pressing a button on the console in front of him.

A video feed appeared. It looked like it was in a European forest somewhere.

β€œWe took the liberty of placing cameras at the sites of some of your previous battles,” Tim explained. β€œJust in case anything happened there we’d want to investigate. And it looks like one of the squirrel drones in Romania has spotted something interesting.”

The two men watched the video. The camera panned over to a damaged castle. From inside were bright flashes of light accompanied by cracks of thunder.

This location was, of course, Infernum Keep, the former stronghold of Count Infernus. The vampiric warlord may have been long dead, but that didn’t mean his effects hadn’t caused a lot of trouble for people in the years since.

Almost two years ago, Tee Bone Man fought a group of Satan’s knights there to stop them getting their hands on a veritable doomsday device. The castle had been set alight during those events, but judging from the video feed they had just received, most of the stonework had survived with just a little charring.

Moustachio had been peripherally involved in that adventure, but hadn’t travelled to Romania. This time things were probably going to be a little different.

β€œThat doesn’t look good.” Moustachio mused. β€œI still remember the trouble this place caused the first time. We’d better investigate.”

β€œI agree. Something untoward appears to be happening there. And with this location we can’t take any chances. Take Jex and the team there and get to the bottom of this,” Tim instructed the Australian.

β€œI’ve already let Brainiac know. He’s swung by Jex’s to pick him up.” He continued. β€œThey should meet you at the airport, where I’ve arranged a plane for you.”

β€œWhat about you?” Moustachio asked.

β€œI’m sorry but I’ve got to monitor a mission Night Ranger is about to go on,” Tim replied, rolling up one of his green sleeves to glance at his watch. β€œHe really needs someone in the chair or else he can go off the rails a bit.”

β€œAlright then, looks like I’ve got some packing to do,” Moustachio replied.

 

 

It was approximately six hours later, and Moustachio was arriving in the waiting lounge. Jex and Brainiac had already made themselves at home, and welcomed the Australian.

β€œMoustachio! Glad you made it. Sorry to cut your visit to Durling Foundation HQ short, but this is quite important,” Jex said.

β€œI agree. There’ll be plenty of time for interior decorating later,” Moustachio replied.

β€œSo what do you remember of the castle?” Brainiac asked him.

β€œActually, I never went to Romania,” Moustachio replied. β€œBut Tim’s supplied us with a mission report from Tee Bone Man to read on the flight over. That should give us all the info we need.”

β€œTim’s a smart man,” Brainiac mused, to nods all around.

While this was happening, the airport intercom decided this was the moment to move the plot along.

β€œNow boarding flight TVC-Force-1 at gate 3.”

β€œThat’s our flight,” Jex said, grabbing his bags and heading in the direction of the gate.

It wasn’t long before they were on the plane, to find to their delight that the Durling Foundation had spared no expense with their members’ jet.

β€œWoo! Look at these chairs! So comfortable!” Brainiac cried as he leaned back.

β€œAh, legroom!”, Moustachio sighed, stretching out his longer-than-average legs with plenty of room to spare.

The group got comfortable as the pilots began their pre-flight checks, and it wasn’t long before they were in the air.

 

 

Given the journey was going to take more than a couple hours, our heroes had decided to try and get some sleep before their mission. But this was rudely interrupted by some turbulence as they neared the airport. A lot of turbulence, actually. The cause was immediately apparent by looking out the window.

An unnaturally large thunderstorm was looming on the horizon.

β€œThere’s no way we can go through that,” the copilot said, looking at the weather radar display.

β€œWe’ll have to divert,” the captain replied, agreeing with him. β€œBraşov is nearby. We can make that with the fuel we have. New heading 165.”

β€œNew heading 165,” the copilot echoed, as the plane began to turn with the input.

In the passenger compartment, the captain’s voice came over the intercom.

β€œAttention, this is your captain speaking. We’ll have to divert to Braşov to land. It’s a day’s travel from where you want to be, but we have no choice alas. I’ve contacted the Durling Foundation, and they’ll have transport arranged for you when you arrive.

This route still took them on the outskirts of the storm, which posed no small danger. The storm seemed alive, and it was as if the lightning was targeting the plane itself. It appeared their secret voyage wasn’t as secret as they had hoped. Moustachio was certainly glad when they finally hit terra firma again.

And sure to the captain’s word, a coach was waiting to take them to the village by Infernum Keep. As they sat down and got comfortable, Moustachio looked out the window. That storm couldn’t be natural.

β€œThis is going to be a tough one buddy. You sure you’re up to this?” he asked the small black squirrel on his shoulder.

The squirrel gave him an exaggerated salute.

β€œAwesome. You know I feel safer with you around.”

The whole group got comfortable, and the coach set off on its journey. They were able to get ample rest, but couldn’t shake the feeling that this was only the calm before the real storm.

 

 

Later that evening, our heroes finally arrived in the village. The sun was beginning to set, casting a golden glow over the houses and buildings. By popular vote it had been decided that the team would source dinner first. Finding the Olde Mill Inn was not difficult, but as they entered they were nearly bowled over by the volume of one of the inhabitants.

β€œMy friends! Let us feast to this momentous occasion!” cried a voice in a suspiciously old English accent. The source of this, they shortly discovered, was none other than the knight Bernard.

Bernard had been a member of the Northern Lights for a while now, but was rarely seen as he preferred to remain mobile, helping those in need across the globe. But when he received Tim’s messenger pigeon urging this situation to be of the utmost importance, he procured the fastest horse he could.

A veritable banquet had been prepared, and our heroes were all too ready to accept, digging in with gusto. Much food was eaten. Laughs were had. Stories were shared. Bernard had plenty of tales from his time as a medieval knight, and Moustachio regaled the group with his exploits across the multiverse. But all good things must come to an end, and so with the emptying of plates and bowls, it was time to begin the adventure proper.

Jex began to make for the door, but Brainiac piped up with a very valid point.

β€œLet’s ask around the village a bit first. Maybe they know something, and we can have some idea of what we’ll be walking into. Plus we don’t want to be walking into an adventure with just-filled stomachs now, do we?”

Our heroes nodded, and all set out to glean any reconnaissance that they could. When the group reconvened, it turned out they really weren’t all that much more informed than before.

β€œReally? That’s all they know?” Jex asked. β€œWe could tell that watching a camera feed from halfway across the globe.”

β€œYou can’t really blame them,” Moustachio replied. β€œWould you like to investigate the mysterious castle where people are disappearing?”

β€œFair point. Well, where are we going from here then?”

β€œI guess it’s time to head in,” Moustachio said, turning towards the hill the castle was situated on.

As our heroes neared the front gate, the effects of the previous battle here began to become much more apparent. Not even the twisted oak hanging tree by the westmost tower had survived the destruction wrought here all those moons ago.

Scorch marks covered the walls of the keep, and several parts of the building had crumbled away from the fire damage. Most of the castle still appeared to be staying up (just a little worse for wear) but there was no telling what internal damage had occurred. They’d have to watch their step inside.

As they approached, three black crows flew from the tree to the tallest tower high above. Moustachio could not shake the sense of foreboding that troubled him.

As the Northern Lights entered the once-grand hall, the devastating effects of Tee Bone Man’s battle were truly laid bare. A thick layer of ash covered most of the room, and what remained of any recognisable banisters or sculptures had been nightmarishly distorted by the heat.

β€œI’m not sure I want to have been here the first time,” Moustachio said, cautiously stepping forward.

β€œWhere are we going from here? What’s the fastest way to the throne room?” Jex asked.

β€œThrough here, I think,” Moustachio replied, motioning towards a door on the right.

The Australian took a couple steps into this room, followed by Bernard. The other two men would have continued this retinue, were it not for a portcullis slamming down in the doorway, separating them into two groups. Somewhere up above a bell began to toll.

 

 

β€œOops,” Moustachio said, raising his foot and revealing he had stepped on a booby-trapped tile.

Jex grabbed hold of the bars and tugged hard, but they did not budge in the slightest.

β€œWe don’t have time,” Brainiac said. β€œWe have to clear our of here before we’re cornered. Continue on. We’ll meet up with you further up.”

Moustachio nodded and turned towards the exit of the room. Bernard followed him, looking upwards at the ceiling to try and see if there were any more traps lying in wait above. He’d hate to share Catherine Howard’s fate (His old Lady. A tale for another day.)

The other two men turned back towards the great hall. There options weren’t great. One of the doors was blocked by rubble, and they couldn’t risk wasting time trying any on the upper level. The sound of clattering and clamouring was getting closer, as the bell continued to ring above. There was only one option left.

β€œQuick, in here!”Jex said, flinging open the door opposite the one that was blocked by the portcullis, and entering cautiously.

They seemed to be an antechamber of some kind. A cloakroom was off to the side. Probably not the best place to hide, in all consideration. They quickly crossed the room and entered into a very large open hall.

Before the fire it appeared to have been a spectacular dining hall, but now more resembled a deadly game of hopscotch. Several large portions of the floor had burned away, creating a long drop into the blackness of the cellar below.

β€œI don’t like the look of this room.” Jex called over his shoulder.

β€œI don’t think we have the time to double back to the main hall and look for another option. We’ll just have to chance it.” Brainiac replied.

The two men cautiously ventured forth, making sure to take distinct routes to avoid overloading the charred wooden planks with too much weight. This worked until they both converged on one bottleneck spot. There was no avoiding this. The Brainiac went first, with Jex very tenderly following after.

Unfortunately, the added weight of the muscle-bound hero was too much for the rotting beams to take. With an almighty crash, the floor gave way and Jex and the Brainiac were sent plummeting down into the cellar below.

Landing in the flooded bottom of the cellar didn’t render any injuries unto our heroes, but it certainly knocked the wind out of them. However, it didn’t take them long to realise they weren’t alone here. A shifting mass towards the end of the room made a dissatisfied noise and began to unravel itself.

It was difficult to make out in the gloom, but it appeared to be a giant snake of some sorts. Which was very bad news for the two regular size humans that had just so invitingly entered its lair, waist-high in alcohol and sewerage.

 

Up above, Moustachio and Bernard were not having much luck either. A mysterious creature was very close, perhaps only a room away. The two men had to tread very carefully. Moustachio led the way, having studied some old plans of the castle on the flight over. Thankfully they were approaching a stairwell and would soon have some breathing space. Or so they thought.

The Australian peeked around the corner, and his blood froze cold. There, blocking the entrance to the stairwell, was Frankenstein’s monster himself.

β€œIt’s the monster,” Moustachio whispered to Bernard. β€œHe’s blocking the door.”

β€œThe vultures will dine on his head tonight,” Bernard whispered back, reaching for his sword.

β€œLet’s not rush into combat so hastily,” the Australian counseled, pushing Bernard’s hilt back into the scabbard.

β€œWe’ll have plenty fighting to do later, I’m sure. Let me try something,” Moustachio said with a smile, ducking away to confront the creature.

The Australian straightened his moustache and sauntered out into the room, doing his best to look officious.

The monster growled and began to stagger towards him. Steeling himself, and in his best approximation of a Scottish accent, Moustachio began to speak.

β€œDon’t take that tone with me my good man! Now buttle off and tell Ispahsalar Infernus that Lord Clarence McDonald and his lovely assistant are here to view the tapestries.”

The creature faltered in its advance, clearly unsure how to proceed. Moustachio, sensing an opening, continued.

β€œI’ll have you know, inspecting tapestries is a serious business. A man in Serbia was killed when a poorly attached tapestry fell and smothered him. Imagine the shame on the Infernus name if one of the many pieces in this castle were to fall upon poor prospective buyer Mickey Mouse.”

The creature, perhaps simply only to extricate himself from this very confusing situation, walked off through a door to the left and ascended a set of stairs. Both of them knew there’d be plenty of time to bump into one another again.

Moustachio turned back to face the also-confused Bernard.

β€œYou know, I’m surprised that worked myself. Come on, let’s get going before he works out Ispahsalar isn’t a Romanian military rank.”

Bernard obliged, following Moustachio up the staircase to the next floor.

Back in the cellar, Brainiac and Jex were running out of things to throw. They’d been able to keep the giant snake at bay on the other side of the room with a steady supply of wine bottles and amphoras, but they wouldn’t be able to do this forever. Brainiac tossed the last of the dandelion wine, and then reached for the last box of bottles.

β€œNot that one!” Jex cried, holding Brainiac’s arm. β€œThat’s a 1458 vintage!”

β€œBloody hell Jex!” Brainiac replied, putting the bottle away and reaching for another. β€œThere’s only two left now.”

The situation looked dire. But a small neuron fired in Jex’s head, boarded his train of thought, and arrived in his memory core.

β€œI have an idea!” Jex cried. β€œRemember the tomb of Sir Richard in The Last Crusade?”

β€œHow could I forget.” Brainiac answered, already flipping a large crate over and reaching for a flare in his backpack. Waiting until Jex was under a box of his own, Brainiac lit the flare and held it aloft. The red light illuminated the dark room, and the Canadian could see that the serpent seemed somewhat mesmerized by the flare.

Taking advantage of this, Brainiac hurled the flare towards the far end of the room.

β€œGod save the keg,” he said before quickly getting under his upturned box. The instant the flare hit the sea of alcohol, the room ignited into a furious firestorm. Jex and the Brainiac remained safe under their boxes, but the snake was not so fortunate. It writhed and hissed in pain as it burned to death over the course of the next few moments.

The two upturned boxes, meanwhile, floated across the burning liquid as their occupants directed them towards the exit door. Choosing their moment, Jex and Brainiac emerged unscathed from underneath and ascended the staircase back to the ground level of the castle.

 

Much higher up, Bernard and Moustachio had made it to the room on the map that was indicated to contain the entrance to the throne room. But instead of a double spiral staircase, there was only a barren brick wall.

Maybe it was remodeled at some point? Or the layout was changed while building? Moustachio thought to himself. No, this room is the only one that is directly below the throne room. It has to be here somewhere, hidden. There must be a mechanism for unlocking it.

The Australian began to look around, desperate to find any clue as to how to reveal the hidden staircase. His eyes drifted to two lion statues set against either end of the wall. Each one had a recess in its forehead.

β€œBingo,” Moustachio said, turning to Bernard. β€œWe need to find two crystals that fit into those statues. That should trigger a mechanism that will reveal the staircase.”

Bernard nodded, and the two men set about vigilantly searching the room. There were a number of desks and draws to look through, which hampered proceedings. Moustachio checked behind what he presumed was a self-portrait of Count Infernus himself, expecting a hidden safe.

β€œBlast,” he cursed, as his search came up fruitless.

He moved onto the small mahogany desk underneath the portrait. Throwing open a drawer, he began to impatiently rifle through it. The contents were mostly letters addressed to all manner of people. One caught his eye though, as the name on the front was Adorian Tepes. What did Infernus possibly want with a famed Vampire hunter?

β€œFound it!” Bernard exclaimed from across the room, pulling a large ruby out of a teapot on a desk. β€œHave you the other one?”

β€œNo. I’ve checked everywhere in here. The other one could be anywhere in this massive castle,” Moustachio moaned. β€œOh wait. Oh no. I saw a blue gem of roughly the same size on the monster’s belt as it was leaving.”

β€œMarvelous,” Bernard said, entirely sarcastically.

β€œWell we’d better get back down there and find him I suppose,” Moustachio sighed. β€œBring the other crystal with you. We don’t want to risk someone snatching it while we’re away.”

β€œDo you have a plan for getting the other one?” Bernard asked, while retrieving the red gem.

β€œI think I’m going to let my little friend take the lead on that,” Moustachio said, with a sly smile as he looked to Ripper on his shoulder.

 

Further down below in the castle, Jex and Brainiac were very carefully creeping along. There was no telling what horrors could be patrolling the castle, and they’d hate to have to face down any number of them.

They were approaching a corner when Jex silently held a fist up, indicating to the Brainiac behind him to stop. From the room beyond the sound of liquid cascading could be heard. A few seconds later it would go silent, then resume. This couldn’t be a natural occurrence. Someone had to be in the room.

Jex inched to the edge of the wall and very slowly peered around. The sight before him was mildly confusing to say the least. There appeared to be a corpse slumped against the far wall, pouring alcohol directly into the open top of his neck.

You see, this was the Headless Horseman, who Tee Bone Man had encountered the last time they were here. Tee Bone Man had left the crownless-cavalryman to burn with the castle, but it seems he was a little harder to kill than anticipated. His horse, however, didn’t seem to have such luck, making him now more of a headless, horseless man.

β€œDo you think he’s a threat?” Jex asked.

β€œOnly to himself, by the look of it,” Brainiac replied. β€œHe doesn’t seem to have taken his defeat to Tee Bone Man too well.”

Indeed, the Horseman had become somewhat of an alcoholic of late, if the contents of the room (mostly empty bottles) were anything to go by. This also explained the relative lack of bottles in the cellar below.

β€œWhy don’t we try a little diplomacy?” the Brainiac asked, stepping out into the room.

β€œHello there!” He spoke. β€œMy friend and I have no quarrel with you. We’re just here to investigate the upper tower’s new resident.”

The Horseman turned his neck slightly, as if angling an ear towards the sound. Brainiac took this as interest on the listener’s part, and an opportunity to continue.

β€œIf there’s anything you can do to help us find him, it would be greatly appreciated. Regardless, we will be one our way within moments to leave you to your drinking.”

A pause filled the room for what felt like minutes, until the Horseman finally moved. Wordlessly (as usual) the Horseman threw a bottle against the far wall. It struck a slightly off-coloured brick, which moved inwards with the impact.

A grinding sound then filled the room as hidden mechanisms in one of the walls began to move after such a long time of inaction. Slowly but surely a secret passage was revealed.

β€œThank you,” the Brainiac said to the Horseman as he followed Jex into the passage.

 

Upstairs the clock ticked on. Moustachio and Bernard were tearing back up the castle, blue crystal in hand. They had no idea when the monster would notice the missing crystal, or how long it would take him to catch up, but they certainly didn’t want to find out.

After an eternity of winding corridors and tiring staircases, they were finally back in the room with the statues. Each with a crystal in hand, they stood before the lion statues, poised. Moustachio nodded, and the two placed their crystals in their respective recesses in the lion statues’ heads.

Immediately the sound of stone grinding filled their ears, as an imposing spiral staircase began to form out of the wall between the two statues. Moustachio knew this would lead to the throne room, which was the very room from the squirrel drone’s video footage.

β€œShould we wait for our allies?” Bernard asked, looking up the passage that had just been created.

Moustachio thought for a moment.

β€œI don’t think we can afford to. The monster will surely have heard the noise. If we don’t face whatever’s in that room soon, we may have to contend with both it and Frankenstein’s monster at the same time. β€œ

β€œVery well.” Bernard nodded. β€œI can see your wisdom. I just only hope this goes better than that night at Eggerseberg.” (Another tale of Bernard’s. Perhaps there’ll be a chapter dedicated to them in the future.)

The knight then followed Moustachio in ascending the staircase to the top of the tower.

β€œWhy can’t we be the ones they’re scared of? Coming out of the goddam walls and all that. I’d prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking around,” Jex moaned, evidently wanting something to punch.

β€œWhen you have sharp teeth, claws and demonic wings you can do the stalking. But for now we have to keep a low, quiet, profile.”

Jex began to mutter under his breath, no doubt cursing the rotten luck that they never got to investigate any gyms.

β€œShh!” Brainiac hissed, as the sound of a creature walking on the other side of the wall could be heard.

After a short time the sound faded and Jex let out a breath.

β€œLet’s hope we get were we’re going soon.” He said, squeezing around a pipe. β€œIt’s going to be tough to fight in here if we get discovered.”

β€œI think it’s this way.” Brainiac motioned, looking at some bloody writing on the wall. β€œI hope our friends have had better luck, wherever they are.”

 

The jury was still out on whether encountering the being before them constituted good or bad luck. It probably depended on how the soon-to-occur fight went. Moustachio and Bernard stood at the precipice of the room, peaking around the doorframe.

The room was vast, seemingly bigger on the inside that it had looked from down below. An inner ring of bookshelves created a small haven in the middle, while more bookcases lined the outer walls. One of the room’s corner’s was destroyed, opening out into the cool night air.

On the opposite end a large stained glass window framed a dark being. He was clad in a black garb that almost absorbed the light around, with a large pilgrim hat sitting atop his head. Situated on the cone of the hat was a large yellow eye that swiveled around the room, searching.

β€œI know you’re here,” The dark being’s voice rang out. β€œYou merely delay the inevitable scurrying like rats back there.”

Exchanging a look, the Moustachio and Bernard cautiously entered the room

β€œGood, good,” The being spoke. β€œI have been waiting just for you. You killed my brother the Black Knight. Now I will finally have my revenge.”

β€œI think he’s confusing us with Tee Bone Man,” Moustachio whispered to Bernard. β€œBut I don’t think telling him that is going to end well.”

β€œThen I will be sure to tell him my name when I run him through with my sword,” Bernard replied.

β€œAnd what is your name then?” Moustachio called out to the man across the room. β€œFor we will need to know what to put on your tombstone when we bury you next to him.”

β€œI am the More Black Knight,” the More Black Knight said, as Moustachio tried to hold his laughter in. β€œAnd I shall not be the one to die tonight.”

The More Black Knight drew back imposingly, but before anyone in the room could react, a bookcase on the north wall creaked open to reveal a passage from which emerged Jex and the Brainiac.

 

β€œThe thing is,” the Brainiac mused, β€œhow much more black than black can you really be?”

β€œWell, none more black,” Jex continued. β€œBlack is black. Anything even slightly less dark is just a very dark grey. And there’s no such thing as a darker shade of black.”

β€œSILENCE!” the More Black Knight roared, interrupting the impromptu discussion. β€œYour trivialities matter none. Revenge will be mine tonight.”

Wasting no more time, he whipped his cloak off and readied his weapon- a large, mystical scythe. His eyes began to glow an electric cyan, and a dark aura surrounded him.

β€œThis is no ordinary foe,” Bernard said, as the More Black Knight began to advance. β€œWe will need a weapon of immense power. Can you buy me some time to get down to the armoury?”

β€œConsider it bought.” Moustachio replied, drawing his boomerang and advancing on the More Black Knight.

Brainiac and Jex joined him, as Bernard turned and ran towards the exit. His trip was stopped almost immediately, however, by the arrival of Frankenstein’s monster at the top of the stairwell. The creature reached for Bernard, but was summarily knocked sideways out of the way by one very muscly human’s shoulder.

β€œGo!” Jex cried, engaged in a grapple with the hulking monster.

Bernard tore off down the stairs as Brainiac and Moustachio squared up against the More Black Knight. Brainiac ignited his lightsaber and brought it up to guard. The distinctive red crossguard design cast a scarlet glow across his face as he and Moustachio began to duel the More Black Knight.

Brainiac made the first strike, bringing his lightsaber down with force on the More Black Knights scythe. How Brainiac expected this to go was probably to see his blade slice right through the scythe. How it actually happened was that the mystical weapon met the lightsaber and blocked it without even a hint of damage. The impact nearly knocked the saber from Brainiac’s grip, as Moustachio unleashed his attacks to similar fruitlessness.

β€œI’ve been looking forward to this!” the More Black Knight cackled, as he effortlessly kept his two assailants at bay.

 

Across the room, Jex and Frankenstein’s monster were locked in mortal combat. Gripping each other’s shoulders they slammed each other into the walls, bookshelves and, occasionally, the other combatants in the room.

Jex was not as strong as the monster and he knew it, but he did have a brain. And that gave him a distinct tactical advantage. Knowing how to use the strength he did have was going to be what won him this battle.

Jex allowed himself to be maneuvered towards the corner of the room that was broken and opened out into the night. Baiting the monster into lunging for him, Jex nimbly rolled out of the way. Before the monster could react, the shirtless Canadian grabbed him and hoisted him into the air.

However, a second before Jex was about to throw the monster down, the bolts in its neck attracted the next lightning strike. With a thunderous crack the high-powered electricity flowed through both bodies, knocking them both to the ground, smoking. Frankenstein’s monster twitched a few times, before lying still. Jex didn’t move at all.

β€œJex!” Moustachio cried.

The More Black Knight took advantage of the distraction and slammed the blunt end of his scythe into Moustachio’s chest. Imbued with mystical energy, the impact sent the Australian flying. Moustachio sailed across the room, striking a bookshelf and falling to the ground under a pile of arcane literature.

Brainiac, now currently the sole opponent of the More Black Knight attempted to finish the fight quickly, heavily striking at his opponent multiple times in a row. But this made him careless and the More Black Knight, anticipating the next strike, was able to neatly excise Brainiac’s weapon from his hand with a flourish of his blade.

Brainiac’s lightsaber hilt flew across the room, disappearing into a shadowy corner.

The More Black Knight levelled his weapon at Brainiac’s chest and began to laugh.

β€œYou’ve failed. There’ll be no second chance for you.”

Brainiac frantically glanced around the room as the More Black Knight continued to gloat.

β€œAnd now you die – hurk!”

The dark being doubled over in pain, unable to make good on his threat. Clutching his stomach, he tried vainly to remove the glowing sword embedded in it. From behind him Bernard emerged, kicking the More Black Knight onto the ground. Without so much as even batting an eye at his dying enemy, Bernard calmly walked past, pulling the sword from its moorings in the More Black Knight’s back.

β€œThanks Bernard,” The Brainiac said. β€œYou really showed him.”

β€œIndeed.” Bernard replied. β€œWe are lucky Mr Infernus decided to keep such holy weapons here, apparently safely away from his enemies. Mr Morris’s sword was exactly what I needed to slay this foul creature.”

But things were not over yet. From the ground the sound of their foe’s laughter could be heard. A foe that had been thought vanquished. The sound of the low, hoarse chuckling chilled their spines they turned back to look at the More Black Knight’s β€œcorpse”. His body had begun to writhe and bubble, as massive fleshy growths began to take form on his rapidly expanding body. Ripper let out a hiss and retreated back behind Moustachio’s leg. Moustachio, having extricated himself from the pile of books, was regretting that decision and rather wished there was someone’s leg he could hide behind.

 

The twisted monstrosity before them was unlike anything they had seen before. Towering above them was the upper torso of the More Black Knight, sprouting out of a hairy black spider’s thorax. Eight large legs protruding from the large body kept this knightmare Β balanced. It spoke, but from where the voice came from could not be discerned, as what passed for a face was now dominated by piercing yellow eyes.

β€œMy powers have increased exponentially since you may have last seen me, Bernard,” The creature sneered. β€œNow your fate is written in the stars. Perish, like the rest of your kin!”

With a roar the creature charged forward, catching Bernard in the midriff with a leg and slamming him against the stone wall. The knight sank to his knees, dazed. Laughing, the spider creature raised a leg, preparing to squash the fair knight.

But Moustachio wasn’t about to let that happen. He hurled his boomerang into the space between the two, with Ripper hanging on for dear life as it sailed across the room.

At the moment the boomerang was positioned in front of the spider creature, Ripper leapt from it, landing on the More Black Knight’s face and obscuring his vision.

Bernard got to his feet and ran off behind a bookcase, at which point the black squirrel very gratefully leapt off the creature’s face and scurried under a bookcase to hide for the rest of the battle (though he would tell you it was to look for Brainiac’s lightsaber).

β€œThanks Ripper!” Moustachio yelled as he caught his boomerang. The spider-creature then turned its attention to him.

β€œEeep,” Moustachio squeaked.

 

The situation was infinitely worse now. The creature, though big, was still smaller than the room and able to maneuver around it with no trouble. And it was fast. The Northen Lights had several close calls in a manner of seconds, barely able to dive away in time before a giant spider limb slammed down.

In a brief moment of respite when the creature was on the other side of the room, Brainiac quickly turned to Moustachio.

β€œI have an idea. Can you keep it occupied for a minute?”

Moustachio gave him a look that suggested that he could, but that if people kept asking for him to cover them, things might not end well for him.

β€œJust call my name, I’ll be there,” Brainiac yelled over his shoulder as he ran back into the darkness of a corner. Taking a moment to hide behind a bookcase, he pulled out his phone and dialed.

β€œPlease pick up. Please pick up.” he repeated, nervously looking up at the shadow of the moon in the window above.

β€œHello?” came a Canadian voice from the other end.

β€œYes!” the Brainiac cried. β€œAaron, how quickly can you get something to the rooftop of a Romanian castle?”

β€œWould you like it gift-wrapped or just plain packaging?” the voice of Aaron of the KMA said from the other end.

β€œYou’re a legend! Ok, here’s what we need…”

Across the room Moustachio was breathing heavily. Every dodge drained him of strength. The margins were getting thinner. Eventually he was going to be too slow. And he couldn’t even begin to think about an offensive.

Bernard was doing his best too, but both men were tiring, and the More Black Knight could tell. He was unrelenting in his attacks.

β€œMike! We need you here!” Moustachio called over his shoulder. β€œAll together, we can vanquish him!”

β€œYour hope is foolish,” The creature gloated. β€œA thousand men have tried. A thousand failed. You have no chance.”

β€œI dunno about that,” Brainiac said, holding an RPG. β€œWe call this a rocket launcher, and I suspect they didn’t have these over in the land of darkness.”

Before the mutant spider-knight could react, the Canadian fired.

The rocket tore across the room as Bernard and Moustachio dove for cover. It struck the creature directly on the body, engulfing it in fire and knocking it through the window of the room.

The flaming spider-creature plummeted down the side of the tower, before coming to an abrupt stop on the spikes of the gate down on ground level.

After a few tentative seconds, Moustachio peered down.

β€œIt’s hard to tell from this height, but I think that’s done it.”

Indeed, the great big spider’s legs had curled upwards, and a very large amount of blood was beginning to pool outwards from the body.

Wasting no time, Brainiac rushed to Jex’s side and began checking on the unconscious man.

β€œHe’ll be alright,” Brainiac said, looking up at Bernard and Moustachio.

β€œLet’s get back to the village then,” Moustachio replied. β€œWe can rest up there for a bit before we head back home.”

 

β€œA toast!” Bernard cried. β€œTo all our yesterdays and their gifts. But more importantly to tomorrow. To the friends passed and to those I now have the privilege to call.”

β€œHear hear,” Came the replies from the three other men at the table.

 

 

Meanwhile, far far away in the depths of Hell Satan stood and watched silently. Within the crystal ball before him he could see the remains of the More Black Knight. It wasn’t unexpected, but he had to admit he was disappointed in the totality of the More Black Knight’s failure. Especially after Satan had so helpfully directed him to the ones responsible for his brother’s fate.

It looks like the devil would indeed have some adversity to overcome the next time he tried to conquer rock heaven. Turning to face one of his demonic servants, he began to speak.

β€œPatch me through to Unicron. I think he’d be quite interested in knowing the capabilities of earth’s new heroes.”

The lord of hell began to laugh. At first a low sound, but soon it erupted into guffaws that echoed all throughout the dark stronghold. Oh yes, Unicron would be most interested in this.

And though few who witnessed it could truly know its significance, all across the realms of the multiverse the Morning Star glowed a bright crimson.

 

HE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:Β  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGAΒ 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:Β  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS:Β  PHASE THREE – THE UNICRON SAGA

 

SPINOFFS AND SIDE QUESTS

Β 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM