THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS – Phase 3 – The Unicron Saga

Chapter Three:  The More Things Change…

Starring:

• Harrison El Moustachio
• Mike the Brainiac
• Mr. Durling
• Jexciter
• Bernard
• Some nasty monsters and knights!
  

---

It was a dark and stormy knight. And it wasn’t happy. Under a violet moon it kneeled amid the burnt rubble of what had once been the completely intact great hall of a once-formidable stronghold.

A blackened skeleton lay on the ground by him, surrounded by the fragments of a red guitar and a black helmet. A familiar helmet. A chill dropped over the already-cold mid Winter’s night.

Getting to his feet, the stormy knight let out a piercing scream, as thunder and lightning raged all around.

Whoever did this was going to pay.

 

---

 

“So what do you think?” Tim Durling asked El Moustachio, gesturing to a computer screen. The two were in the midst of planning Moustachio’s new secret lair. After all, when he returned to Australia, he would need a state of the art HQ to lead the Australian division of the Northern Lights from.

“It looks great. I can’t believe you got a real transporter system working,” Moustachio gushed. “Soon we’ll be able to meet up all over the world in seconds.”

“Analog’s the trick, every time,” Tim replied with a smile.

“Where’s that door lead?” Moustachio asked, eyeing a rectangle on the northern wall.

“Straight to the garage,” Tim replied.  “For easy access to the Interceptor.”

Moustachio nodded sagely, agreeing with the sentiment.  “You know, if we move the desk slightly, I reckon we can fit in another shelf of CDs there,” he began to say.

Unfortunately, the pair’s discussions were rudely interrupted by a flashing red light that beeped incessantly, demanding the undivided attention of the room’s occupants.

“Hang on a sec,” Tim said, pressing a button on the console in front of him.

A video feed appeared. It looked like it was in a European forest somewhere.

“We took the liberty of placing cameras at the sites of some of your previous battles,” Tim explained. “Just in case anything happened there we’d want to investigate. And it looks like one of the squirrel drones in Romania has spotted something interesting.”

The two men watched the video. The camera panned over to a damaged castle. From inside were bright flashes of light accompanied by cracks of thunder.

This location was, of course, Infernum Keep, the former stronghold of Count Infernus. The vampiric warlord may have been long dead, but that didn’t mean his effects hadn’t caused a lot of trouble for people in the years since.

Almost two years ago, Tee Bone Man fought a group of Satan’s knights there to stop them getting their hands on a veritable doomsday device. The castle had been set alight during those events, but judging from the video feed they had just received, most of the stonework had survived with just a little charring.

Moustachio had been peripherally involved in that adventure, but hadn’t travelled to Romania. This time things were probably going to be a little different.

“That doesn’t look good.” Moustachio mused. “I still remember the trouble this place caused the first time. We’d better investigate.”

“I agree. Something untoward appears to be happening there. And with this location we can’t take any chances. Take Jex and the team there and get to the bottom of this,” Tim instructed the Australian.

“I’ve already let Brainiac know. He’s swung by Jex’s to pick him up.” He continued. “They should meet you at the airport, where I’ve arranged a plane for you.”

“What about you?” Moustachio asked.

“I’m sorry but I’ve got to monitor a mission Night Ranger is about to go on,” Tim replied, rolling up one of his green sleeves to glance at his watch. “He really needs someone in the chair or else he can go off the rails a bit.”

“Alright then, looks like I’ve got some packing to do,” Moustachio replied.

 

 

It was approximately six hours later, and Moustachio was arriving in the waiting lounge. Jex and Brainiac had already made themselves at home, and welcomed the Australian.

“Moustachio! Glad you made it. Sorry to cut your visit to Durling Foundation HQ short, but this is quite important,” Jex said.

“I agree. There’ll be plenty of time for interior decorating later,” Moustachio replied.

“So what do you remember of the castle?” Brainiac asked him.

“Actually, I never went to Romania,” Moustachio replied. “But Tim’s supplied us with a mission report from Tee Bone Man to read on the flight over. That should give us all the info we need.”

“Tim’s a smart man,” Brainiac mused, to nods all around.

While this was happening, the airport intercom decided this was the moment to move the plot along.

“Now boarding flight TVC-Force-1 at gate 3.”

“That’s our flight,” Jex said, grabbing his bags and heading in the direction of the gate.

It wasn’t long before they were on the plane, to find to their delight that the Durling Foundation had spared no expense with their members’ jet.

“Woo! Look at these chairs! So comfortable!” Brainiac cried as he leaned back.

“Ah, legroom!”, Moustachio sighed, stretching out his longer-than-average legs with plenty of room to spare.

The group got comfortable as the pilots began their pre-flight checks, and it wasn’t long before they were in the air.

 

 

Given the journey was going to take more than a couple hours, our heroes had decided to try and get some sleep before their mission. But this was rudely interrupted by some turbulence as they neared the airport. A lot of turbulence, actually. The cause was immediately apparent by looking out the window.

An unnaturally large thunderstorm was looming on the horizon.

“There’s no way we can go through that,” the copilot said, looking at the weather radar display.

“We’ll have to divert,” the captain replied, agreeing with him. “Braşov is nearby. We can make that with the fuel we have. New heading 165.”

“New heading 165,” the copilot echoed, as the plane began to turn with the input.

In the passenger compartment, the captain’s voice came over the intercom.

“Attention, this is your captain speaking. We’ll have to divert to Braşov to land. It’s a day’s travel from where you want to be, but we have no choice alas. I’ve contacted the Durling Foundation, and they’ll have transport arranged for you when you arrive.

This route still took them on the outskirts of the storm, which posed no small danger. The storm seemed alive, and it was as if the lightning was targeting the plane itself. It appeared their secret voyage wasn’t as secret as they had hoped. Moustachio was certainly glad when they finally hit terra firma again.

And sure to the captain’s word, a coach was waiting to take them to the village by Infernum Keep. As they sat down and got comfortable, Moustachio looked out the window. That storm couldn’t be natural.

“This is going to be a tough one buddy. You sure you’re up to this?” he asked the small black squirrel on his shoulder.

The squirrel gave him an exaggerated salute.

“Awesome. You know I feel safer with you around.”

The whole group got comfortable, and the coach set off on its journey. They were able to get ample rest, but couldn’t shake the feeling that this was only the calm before the real storm.

 

 

Later that evening, our heroes finally arrived in the village. The sun was beginning to set, casting a golden glow over the houses and buildings. By popular vote it had been decided that the team would source dinner first. Finding the Olde Mill Inn was not difficult, but as they entered they were nearly bowled over by the volume of one of the inhabitants.

“My friends! Let us feast to this momentous occasion!” cried a voice in a suspiciously old English accent. The source of this, they shortly discovered, was none other than the knight Bernard.

Bernard had been a member of the Northern Lights for a while now, but was rarely seen as he preferred to remain mobile, helping those in need across the globe. But when he received Tim’s messenger pigeon urging this situation to be of the utmost importance, he procured the fastest horse he could.

A veritable banquet had been prepared, and our heroes were all too ready to accept, digging in with gusto. Much food was eaten. Laughs were had. Stories were shared. Bernard had plenty of tales from his time as a medieval knight, and Moustachio regaled the group with his exploits across the multiverse. But all good things must come to an end, and so with the emptying of plates and bowls, it was time to begin the adventure proper.

Jex began to make for the door, but Brainiac piped up with a very valid point.

“Let’s ask around the village a bit first. Maybe they know something, and we can have some idea of what we’ll be walking into. Plus we don’t want to be walking into an adventure with just-filled stomachs now, do we?”

Our heroes nodded, and all set out to glean any reconnaissance that they could. When the group reconvened, it turned out they really weren’t all that much more informed than before.

“Really? That’s all they know?” Jex asked. “We could tell that watching a camera feed from halfway across the globe.”

“You can’t really blame them,” Moustachio replied. “Would you like to investigate the mysterious castle where people are disappearing?”

“Fair point. Well, where are we going from here then?”

“I guess it’s time to head in,” Moustachio said, turning towards the hill the castle was situated on.

As our heroes neared the front gate, the effects of the previous battle here began to become much more apparent. Not even the twisted oak hanging tree by the westmost tower had survived the destruction wrought here all those moons ago.

Scorch marks covered the walls of the keep, and several parts of the building had crumbled away from the fire damage. Most of the castle still appeared to be staying up (just a little worse for wear) but there was no telling what internal damage had occurred. They’d have to watch their step inside.

As they approached, three black crows flew from the tree to the tallest tower high above. Moustachio could not shake the sense of foreboding that troubled him.

As the Northern Lights entered the once-grand hall, the devastating effects of Tee Bone Man’s battle were truly laid bare. A thick layer of ash covered most of the room, and what remained of any recognisable banisters or sculptures had been nightmarishly distorted by the heat.

“I’m not sure I want to have been here the first time,” Moustachio said, cautiously stepping forward.

“Where are we going from here? What’s the fastest way to the throne room?” Jex asked.

“Through here, I think,” Moustachio replied, motioning towards a door on the right.

The Australian took a couple steps into this room, followed by Bernard. The other two men would have continued this retinue, were it not for a portcullis slamming down in the doorway, separating them into two groups. Somewhere up above a bell began to toll.

 

 

“Oops,” Moustachio said, raising his foot and revealing he had stepped on a booby-trapped tile.

Jex grabbed hold of the bars and tugged hard, but they did not budge in the slightest.

“We don’t have time,” Brainiac said. “We have to clear our of here before we’re cornered. Continue on. We’ll meet up with you further up.”

Moustachio nodded and turned towards the exit of the room. Bernard followed him, looking upwards at the ceiling to try and see if there were any more traps lying in wait above. He’d hate to share Catherine Howard’s fate (His old Lady. A tale for another day.)

The other two men turned back towards the great hall. There options weren’t great. One of the doors was blocked by rubble, and they couldn’t risk wasting time trying any on the upper level. The sound of clattering and clamouring was getting closer, as the bell continued to ring above. There was only one option left.

“Quick, in here!”Jex said, flinging open the door opposite the one that was blocked by the portcullis, and entering cautiously.

They seemed to be an antechamber of some kind. A cloakroom was off to the side. Probably not the best place to hide, in all consideration. They quickly crossed the room and entered into a very large open hall.

Before the fire it appeared to have been a spectacular dining hall, but now more resembled a deadly game of hopscotch. Several large portions of the floor had burned away, creating a long drop into the blackness of the cellar below.

“I don’t like the look of this room.” Jex called over his shoulder.

“I don’t think we have the time to double back to the main hall and look for another option. We’ll just have to chance it.” Brainiac replied.

The two men cautiously ventured forth, making sure to take distinct routes to avoid overloading the charred wooden planks with too much weight. This worked until they both converged on one bottleneck spot. There was no avoiding this. The Brainiac went first, with Jex very tenderly following after.

Unfortunately, the added weight of the muscle-bound hero was too much for the rotting beams to take. With an almighty crash, the floor gave way and Jex and the Brainiac were sent plummeting down into the cellar below.

Landing in the flooded bottom of the cellar didn’t render any injuries unto our heroes, but it certainly knocked the wind out of them. However, it didn’t take them long to realise they weren’t alone here. A shifting mass towards the end of the room made a dissatisfied noise and began to unravel itself.

It was difficult to make out in the gloom, but it appeared to be a giant snake of some sorts. Which was very bad news for the two regular size humans that had just so invitingly entered its lair, waist-high in alcohol and sewerage.

 

---

Up above, Moustachio and Bernard were not having much luck either. A mysterious creature was very close, perhaps only a room away. The two men had to tread very carefully. Moustachio led the way, having studied some old plans of the castle on the flight over. Thankfully they were approaching a stairwell and would soon have some breathing space. Or so they thought.

The Australian peeked around the corner, and his blood froze cold. There, blocking the entrance to the stairwell, was Frankenstein’s monster himself.

“It’s the monster,” Moustachio whispered to Bernard. “He’s blocking the door.”

“The vultures will dine on his head tonight,” Bernard whispered back, reaching for his sword.

“Let’s not rush into combat so hastily,” the Australian counseled, pushing Bernard’s hilt back into the scabbard.

“We’ll have plenty fighting to do later, I’m sure. Let me try something,” Moustachio said with a smile, ducking away to confront the creature.

The Australian straightened his moustache and sauntered out into the room, doing his best to look officious.

The monster growled and began to stagger towards him. Steeling himself, and in his best approximation of a Scottish accent, Moustachio began to speak.

“Don’t take that tone with me my good man! Now buttle off and tell Ispahsalar Infernus that Lord Clarence McDonald and his lovely assistant are here to view the tapestries.”

The creature faltered in its advance, clearly unsure how to proceed. Moustachio, sensing an opening, continued.

“I’ll have you know, inspecting tapestries is a serious business. A man in Serbia was killed when a poorly attached tapestry fell and smothered him. Imagine the shame on the Infernus name if one of the many pieces in this castle were to fall upon poor prospective buyer Mickey Mouse.”

The creature, perhaps simply only to extricate himself from this very confusing situation, walked off through a door to the left and ascended a set of stairs. Both of them knew there’d be plenty of time to bump into one another again.

Moustachio turned back to face the also-confused Bernard.

“You know, I’m surprised that worked myself. Come on, let’s get going before he works out Ispahsalar isn’t a Romanian military rank.”

Bernard obliged, following Moustachio up the staircase to the next floor.

---

Back in the cellar, Brainiac and Jex were running out of things to throw. They’d been able to keep the giant snake at bay on the other side of the room with a steady supply of wine bottles and amphoras, but they wouldn’t be able to do this forever. Brainiac tossed the last of the dandelion wine, and then reached for the last box of bottles.

“Not that one!” Jex cried, holding Brainiac’s arm. “That’s a 1458 vintage!”

“Bloody hell Jex!” Brainiac replied, putting the bottle away and reaching for another. “There’s only two left now.”

The situation looked dire. But a small neuron fired in Jex’s head, boarded his train of thought, and arrived in his memory core.

“I have an idea!” Jex cried. “Remember the tomb of Sir Richard in The Last Crusade?”

“How could I forget.” Brainiac answered, already flipping a large crate over and reaching for a flare in his backpack. Waiting until Jex was under a box of his own, Brainiac lit the flare and held it aloft. The red light illuminated the dark room, and the Canadian could see that the serpent seemed somewhat mesmerized by the flare.

Taking advantage of this, Brainiac hurled the flare towards the far end of the room.

“God save the keg,” he said before quickly getting under his upturned box. The instant the flare hit the sea of alcohol, the room ignited into a furious firestorm. Jex and the Brainiac remained safe under their boxes, but the snake was not so fortunate. It writhed and hissed in pain as it burned to death over the course of the next few moments.

The two upturned boxes, meanwhile, floated across the burning liquid as their occupants directed them towards the exit door. Choosing their moment, Jex and Brainiac emerged unscathed from underneath and ascended the staircase back to the ground level of the castle.

 

---

Much higher up, Bernard and Moustachio had made it to the room on the map that was indicated to contain the entrance to the throne room. But instead of a double spiral staircase, there was only a barren brick wall.

Maybe it was remodeled at some point? Or the layout was changed while building? Moustachio thought to himself. No, this room is the only one that is directly below the throne room. It has to be here somewhere, hidden. There must be a mechanism for unlocking it.

The Australian began to look around, desperate to find any clue as to how to reveal the hidden staircase. His eyes drifted to two lion statues set against either end of the wall. Each one had a recess in its forehead.

“Bingo,” Moustachio said, turning to Bernard. “We need to find two crystals that fit into those statues. That should trigger a mechanism that will reveal the staircase.”

Bernard nodded, and the two men set about vigilantly searching the room. There were a number of desks and draws to look through, which hampered proceedings. Moustachio checked behind what he presumed was a self-portrait of Count Infernus himself, expecting a hidden safe.

“Blast,” he cursed, as his search came up fruitless.

He moved onto the small mahogany desk underneath the portrait. Throwing open a drawer, he began to impatiently rifle through it. The contents were mostly letters addressed to all manner of people. One caught his eye though, as the name on the front was Adorian Tepes. What did Infernus possibly want with a famed Vampire hunter?

“Found it!” Bernard exclaimed from across the room, pulling a large ruby out of a teapot on a desk. “Have you the other one?”

“No. I’ve checked everywhere in here. The other one could be anywhere in this massive castle,” Moustachio moaned. “Oh wait. Oh no. I saw a blue gem of roughly the same size on the monster’s belt as it was leaving.”

“Marvelous,” Bernard said, entirely sarcastically.

“Well we’d better get back down there and find him I suppose,” Moustachio sighed. “Bring the other crystal with you. We don’t want to risk someone snatching it while we’re away.”

“Do you have a plan for getting the other one?” Bernard asked, while retrieving the red gem.

“I think I’m going to let my little friend take the lead on that,” Moustachio said, with a sly smile as he looked to Ripper on his shoulder.

 

---

Further down below in the castle, Jex and Brainiac were very carefully creeping along. There was no telling what horrors could be patrolling the castle, and they’d hate to have to face down any number of them.

They were approaching a corner when Jex silently held a fist up, indicating to the Brainiac behind him to stop. From the room beyond the sound of liquid cascading could be heard. A few seconds later it would go silent, then resume. This couldn’t be a natural occurrence. Someone had to be in the room.

Jex inched to the edge of the wall and very slowly peered around. The sight before him was mildly confusing to say the least. There appeared to be a corpse slumped against the far wall, pouring alcohol directly into the open top of his neck.

You see, this was the Headless Horseman, who Tee Bone Man had encountered the last time they were here. Tee Bone Man had left the crownless-cavalryman to burn with the castle, but it seems he was a little harder to kill than anticipated. His horse, however, didn’t seem to have such luck, making him now more of a headless, horseless man.

“Do you think he’s a threat?” Jex asked.

“Only to himself, by the look of it,” Brainiac replied. “He doesn’t seem to have taken his defeat to Tee Bone Man too well.”

Indeed, the Horseman had become somewhat of an alcoholic of late, if the contents of the room (mostly empty bottles) were anything to go by. This also explained the relative lack of bottles in the cellar below.

“Why don’t we try a little diplomacy?” the Brainiac asked, stepping out into the room.

“Hello there!” He spoke. “My friend and I have no quarrel with you. We’re just here to investigate the upper tower’s new resident.”

The Horseman turned his neck slightly, as if angling an ear towards the sound. Brainiac took this as interest on the listener’s part, and an opportunity to continue.

“If there’s anything you can do to help us find him, it would be greatly appreciated. Regardless, we will be one our way within moments to leave you to your drinking.”

A pause filled the room for what felt like minutes, until the Horseman finally moved. Wordlessly (as usual) the Horseman threw a bottle against the far wall. It struck a slightly off-coloured brick, which moved inwards with the impact.

A grinding sound then filled the room as hidden mechanisms in one of the walls began to move after such a long time of inaction. Slowly but surely a secret passage was revealed.

“Thank you,” the Brainiac said to the Horseman as he followed Jex into the passage.

 

---

Upstairs the clock ticked on. Moustachio and Bernard were tearing back up the castle, blue crystal in hand. They had no idea when the monster would notice the missing crystal, or how long it would take him to catch up, but they certainly didn’t want to find out.

After an eternity of winding corridors and tiring staircases, they were finally back in the room with the statues. Each with a crystal in hand, they stood before the lion statues, poised. Moustachio nodded, and the two placed their crystals in their respective recesses in the lion statues’ heads.

Immediately the sound of stone grinding filled their ears, as an imposing spiral staircase began to form out of the wall between the two statues. Moustachio knew this would lead to the throne room, which was the very room from the squirrel drone’s video footage.

“Should we wait for our allies?” Bernard asked, looking up the passage that had just been created.

Moustachio thought for a moment.

“I don’t think we can afford to. The monster will surely have heard the noise. If we don’t face whatever’s in that room soon, we may have to contend with both it and Frankenstein’s monster at the same time. “

“Very well.” Bernard nodded. “I can see your wisdom. I just only hope this goes better than that night at Eggerseberg.” (Another tale of Bernard’s. Perhaps there’ll be a chapter dedicated to them in the future.)

The knight then followed Moustachio in ascending the staircase to the top of the tower.

---

“Why can’t we be the ones they’re scared of? Coming out of the goddam walls and all that. I’d prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking around,” Jex moaned, evidently wanting something to punch.

“When you have sharp teeth, claws and demonic wings you can do the stalking. But for now we have to keep a low, quiet, profile.”

Jex began to mutter under his breath, no doubt cursing the rotten luck that they never got to investigate any gyms.

“Shh!” Brainiac hissed, as the sound of a creature walking on the other side of the wall could be heard.

After a short time the sound faded and Jex let out a breath.

“Let’s hope we get were we’re going soon.” He said, squeezing around a pipe. “It’s going to be tough to fight in here if we get discovered.”

“I think it’s this way.” Brainiac motioned, looking at some bloody writing on the wall. “I hope our friends have had better luck, wherever they are.”

---

 

The jury was still out on whether encountering the being before them constituted good or bad luck. It probably depended on how the soon-to-occur fight went. Moustachio and Bernard stood at the precipice of the room, peaking around the doorframe.

The room was vast, seemingly bigger on the inside that it had looked from down below. An inner ring of bookshelves created a small haven in the middle, while more bookcases lined the outer walls. One of the room’s corner’s was destroyed, opening out into the cool night air.

On the opposite end a large stained glass window framed a dark being. He was clad in a black garb that almost absorbed the light around, with a large pilgrim hat sitting atop his head. Situated on the cone of the hat was a large yellow eye that swiveled around the room, searching.

“I know you’re here,” The dark being’s voice rang out. “You merely delay the inevitable scurrying like rats back there.”

Exchanging a look, the Moustachio and Bernard cautiously entered the room

“Good, good,” The being spoke. “I have been waiting just for you. You killed my brother the Black Knight. Now I will finally have my revenge.”

“I think he’s confusing us with Tee Bone Man,” Moustachio whispered to Bernard. “But I don’t think telling him that is going to end well.”

“Then I will be sure to tell him my name when I run him through with my sword,” Bernard replied.

“And what is your name then?” Moustachio called out to the man across the room. “For we will need to know what to put on your tombstone when we bury you next to him.”

“I am the More Black Knight,” the More Black Knight said, as Moustachio tried to hold his laughter in. “And I shall not be the one to die tonight.”

The More Black Knight drew back imposingly, but before anyone in the room could react, a bookcase on the north wall creaked open to reveal a passage from which emerged Jex and the Brainiac.

 

“The thing is,” the Brainiac mused, “how much more black than black can you really be?”

“Well, none more black,” Jex continued. “Black is black. Anything even slightly less dark is just a very dark grey. And there’s no such thing as a darker shade of black.”

“SILENCE!” the More Black Knight roared, interrupting the impromptu discussion. “Your trivialities matter none. Revenge will be mine tonight.”

Wasting no more time, he whipped his cloak off and readied his weapon- a large, mystical scythe. His eyes began to glow an electric cyan, and a dark aura surrounded him.

“This is no ordinary foe,” Bernard said, as the More Black Knight began to advance. “We will need a weapon of immense power. Can you buy me some time to get down to the armoury?”

“Consider it bought.” Moustachio replied, drawing his boomerang and advancing on the More Black Knight.

Brainiac and Jex joined him, as Bernard turned and ran towards the exit. His trip was stopped almost immediately, however, by the arrival of Frankenstein’s monster at the top of the stairwell. The creature reached for Bernard, but was summarily knocked sideways out of the way by one very muscly human’s shoulder.

“Go!” Jex cried, engaged in a grapple with the hulking monster.

Bernard tore off down the stairs as Brainiac and Moustachio squared up against the More Black Knight. Brainiac ignited his lightsaber and brought it up to guard. The distinctive red crossguard design cast a scarlet glow across his face as he and Moustachio began to duel the More Black Knight.

Brainiac made the first strike, bringing his lightsaber down with force on the More Black Knights scythe. How Brainiac expected this to go was probably to see his blade slice right through the scythe. How it actually happened was that the mystical weapon met the lightsaber and blocked it without even a hint of damage. The impact nearly knocked the saber from Brainiac’s grip, as Moustachio unleashed his attacks to similar fruitlessness.

“I’ve been looking forward to this!” the More Black Knight cackled, as he effortlessly kept his two assailants at bay.

 

Across the room, Jex and Frankenstein’s monster were locked in mortal combat. Gripping each other’s shoulders they slammed each other into the walls, bookshelves and, occasionally, the other combatants in the room.

Jex was not as strong as the monster and he knew it, but he did have a brain. And that gave him a distinct tactical advantage. Knowing how to use the strength he did have was going to be what won him this battle.

Jex allowed himself to be maneuvered towards the corner of the room that was broken and opened out into the night. Baiting the monster into lunging for him, Jex nimbly rolled out of the way. Before the monster could react, the shirtless Canadian grabbed him and hoisted him into the air.

However, a second before Jex was about to throw the monster down, the bolts in its neck attracted the next lightning strike. With a thunderous crack the high-powered electricity flowed through both bodies, knocking them both to the ground, smoking. Frankenstein’s monster twitched a few times, before lying still. Jex didn’t move at all.

“Jex!” Moustachio cried.

The More Black Knight took advantage of the distraction and slammed the blunt end of his scythe into Moustachio’s chest. Imbued with mystical energy, the impact sent the Australian flying. Moustachio sailed across the room, striking a bookshelf and falling to the ground under a pile of arcane literature.

Brainiac, now currently the sole opponent of the More Black Knight attempted to finish the fight quickly, heavily striking at his opponent multiple times in a row. But this made him careless and the More Black Knight, anticipating the next strike, was able to neatly excise Brainiac’s weapon from his hand with a flourish of his blade.

Brainiac’s lightsaber hilt flew across the room, disappearing into a shadowy corner.

The More Black Knight levelled his weapon at Brainiac’s chest and began to laugh.

“You’ve failed. There’ll be no second chance for you.”

Brainiac frantically glanced around the room as the More Black Knight continued to gloat.

“And now you die – hurk!”

The dark being doubled over in pain, unable to make good on his threat. Clutching his stomach, he tried vainly to remove the glowing sword embedded in it. From behind him Bernard emerged, kicking the More Black Knight onto the ground. Without so much as even batting an eye at his dying enemy, Bernard calmly walked past, pulling the sword from its moorings in the More Black Knight’s back.

“Thanks Bernard,” The Brainiac said. “You really showed him.”

“Indeed.” Bernard replied. “We are lucky Mr Infernus decided to keep such holy weapons here, apparently safely away from his enemies. Mr Morris’s sword was exactly what I needed to slay this foul creature.”

But things were not over yet. From the ground the sound of their foe’s laughter could be heard. A foe that had been thought vanquished. The sound of the low, hoarse chuckling chilled their spines they turned back to look at the More Black Knight’s “corpse”. His body had begun to writhe and bubble, as massive fleshy growths began to take form on his rapidly expanding body. Ripper let out a hiss and retreated back behind Moustachio’s leg. Moustachio, having extricated himself from the pile of books, was regretting that decision and rather wished there was someone’s leg he could hide behind.

 

The twisted monstrosity before them was unlike anything they had seen before. Towering above them was the upper torso of the More Black Knight, sprouting out of a hairy black spider’s thorax. Eight large legs protruding from the large body kept this knightmare  balanced. It spoke, but from where the voice came from could not be discerned, as what passed for a face was now dominated by piercing yellow eyes.

“My powers have increased exponentially since you may have last seen me, Bernard,” The creature sneered. “Now your fate is written in the stars. Perish, like the rest of your kin!”

With a roar the creature charged forward, catching Bernard in the midriff with a leg and slamming him against the stone wall. The knight sank to his knees, dazed. Laughing, the spider creature raised a leg, preparing to squash the fair knight.

But Moustachio wasn’t about to let that happen. He hurled his boomerang into the space between the two, with Ripper hanging on for dear life as it sailed across the room.

At the moment the boomerang was positioned in front of the spider creature, Ripper leapt from it, landing on the More Black Knight’s face and obscuring his vision.

Bernard got to his feet and ran off behind a bookcase, at which point the black squirrel very gratefully leapt off the creature’s face and scurried under a bookcase to hide for the rest of the battle (though he would tell you it was to look for Brainiac’s lightsaber).

“Thanks Ripper!” Moustachio yelled as he caught his boomerang. The spider-creature then turned its attention to him.

“Eeep,” Moustachio squeaked.

 

The situation was infinitely worse now. The creature, though big, was still smaller than the room and able to maneuver around it with no trouble. And it was fast. The Northen Lights had several close calls in a manner of seconds, barely able to dive away in time before a giant spider limb slammed down.

In a brief moment of respite when the creature was on the other side of the room, Brainiac quickly turned to Moustachio.

“I have an idea. Can you keep it occupied for a minute?”

Moustachio gave him a look that suggested that he could, but that if people kept asking for him to cover them, things might not end well for him.

“Just call my name, I’ll be there,” Brainiac yelled over his shoulder as he ran back into the darkness of a corner. Taking a moment to hide behind a bookcase, he pulled out his phone and dialed.

“Please pick up. Please pick up.” he repeated, nervously looking up at the shadow of the moon in the window above.

“Hello?” came a Canadian voice from the other end.

“Yes!” the Brainiac cried. “Aaron, how quickly can you get something to the rooftop of a Romanian castle?”

“Would you like it gift-wrapped or just plain packaging?” the voice of Aaron of the KMA said from the other end.

“You’re a legend! Ok, here’s what we need…”

Across the room Moustachio was breathing heavily. Every dodge drained him of strength. The margins were getting thinner. Eventually he was going to be too slow. And he couldn’t even begin to think about an offensive.

Bernard was doing his best too, but both men were tiring, and the More Black Knight could tell. He was unrelenting in his attacks.

“Mike! We need you here!” Moustachio called over his shoulder. “All together, we can vanquish him!”

“Your hope is foolish,” The creature gloated. “A thousand men have tried. A thousand failed. You have no chance.”

“I dunno about that,” Brainiac said, holding an RPG. “We call this a rocket launcher, and I suspect they didn’t have these over in the land of darkness.”

Before the mutant spider-knight could react, the Canadian fired.

The rocket tore across the room as Bernard and Moustachio dove for cover. It struck the creature directly on the body, engulfing it in fire and knocking it through the window of the room.

The flaming spider-creature plummeted down the side of the tower, before coming to an abrupt stop on the spikes of the gate down on ground level.

After a few tentative seconds, Moustachio peered down.

“It’s hard to tell from this height, but I think that’s done it.”

Indeed, the great big spider’s legs had curled upwards, and a very large amount of blood was beginning to pool outwards from the body.

Wasting no time, Brainiac rushed to Jex’s side and began checking on the unconscious man.

“He’ll be alright,” Brainiac said, looking up at Bernard and Moustachio.

“Let’s get back to the village then,” Moustachio replied. “We can rest up there for a bit before we head back home.”

---

 

“A toast!” Bernard cried. “To all our yesterdays and their gifts. But more importantly to tomorrow. To the friends passed and to those I now have the privilege to call.”

“Hear hear,” Came the replies from the three other men at the table.

 

---

 

Meanwhile, far far away in the depths of Hell Satan stood and watched silently. Within the crystal ball before him he could see the remains of the More Black Knight. It wasn’t unexpected, but he had to admit he was disappointed in the totality of the More Black Knight’s failure. Especially after Satan had so helpfully directed him to the ones responsible for his brother’s fate.

It looks like the devil would indeed have some adversity to overcome the next time he tried to conquer rock heaven. Turning to face one of his demonic servants, he began to speak.

“Patch me through to Unicron. I think he’d be quite interested in knowing the capabilities of earth’s new heroes.”

The lord of hell began to laugh. At first a low sound, but soon it erupted into guffaws that echoed all throughout the dark stronghold. Oh yes, Unicron would be most interested in this.

And though few who witnessed it could truly know its significance, all across the realms of the multiverse the Morning Star glowed a bright crimson.

 

---

HE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

• Chapter Zero:  Tee Bone Man – Origins (by LeBrain)
• Chapter One: A Friend in Need (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Two: Hell Freezes Over (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Three: Hell Ain’t A Bad Place to Be (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Four: Tee Bone Man and the Rink of…Doom? (by Aaron KMA)
• Chapter Five: The Super Duper Vault (by John T. Snow)
• Chapter Six: Tee Bone Man Goes to Camp (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Seven:  The Revenge of Common Knowledge (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Eight:  Tee Bone & Deke’s Time Travelling Adventure (by 80sMetalMan)
• Chapter Nine:  Castle Communications (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Ten:  The Case of the Lost Iron Maiden Socks (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Eleven:  A Tee Bone Man Christmas (by all five of us)
• Chapter Twelve:  Lost In Space (by John T. Snow)
• Chapter Thirteen:  Clip Show (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Fourteen:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Discover the Tao (An Intermission) (By Aaron KMA)
• Chapter Fifteen: Status Acoustic – The Really Big Deal (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Sixteen:  A Crazy Crazy Night (part 1) (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Sixteen:  A Crazy Crazy Night (part 2) (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Sixteen:  A Crazy Crazy Night (part 3) (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Seventeen:  Tee Bone Man vs. Edie Van Heelin’ (by LeBrain)

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

• Chapter Eighteen:  Shinzon – Origins (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Nineteen:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes vs. the Lego (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty:  The Death of Edie Van Heelin’ (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty-One:  Fate of the Brainiac (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty-Two:  Enter:  The Durling Foundation (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty-Three:  Tee Bone Man’s NYE Extravaganza!  (By all of us!)
• Chapter Twenty-Four:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Go Back to School Part 1 (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty-Four:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Go Back to School Part 2 (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty-Five (flashback):  Tee Bone and Ripper the Squirrel Return to Camp (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty-Six:  The Final Chapter (by Harrison Kopp)

THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS:  PHASE THREE – THE UNICRON SAGA

• Chapter One:  Creatures of the Night (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Two:  The Return of Dr. K (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Three:  The More Things Change (by Harrison Kopp)

 

SPINOFFS AND SIDE QUESTS

• Noirison:  Chapter One (By Holen)
• Noirison:  Chapter Two (By Holen)
• Noirison:  Chapter Three (By Holen) 2024
• Who’s the Mole in Rock and Roll Heaven? (by 80sMetalMan)
• Shinzon – Dread and the Fugitive Mind (By Harrison Kopp)
• Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures: Chapter 1 – Farao Way From Home (By Harrison Kopp)
• Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures: Chapter 2:  Train of Consequence – Part One (By Harrison Kopp)
• Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures: Chapter 2:  Train of Consequence – Part Two (By Harrison Kopp)
• Snippison and Brainikin’s Excellent Adventure:  Chapter One
• Jen In Space:  Mission One (By LeBrain)
• Deep Black Rainbow:  The Full Concert (By 80sMetalMan)
• Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures:  Tales From The Multiverse Part 1- Man Of A Thousand Blades (by Harrison Kopp)
• Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures:  Tales From The Multiverse Part 2 – Homeward Bound (by Harrison Kopp

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 1:  Edie vs. Tommy Lee in the Bouncy Castle of Doom! (By LeBrain)
• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 2:  Edie and the Quest for the Lost Lego (By LeBrain with Harrison Kopp)
• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 3:  Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation (By LeBrain)
• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 4:  Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation Part 2 (By LeBrain & MarriedandHeels)
• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 5:  Edie Meets the Wolf (by LeBrain)
• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 6:  Edie’s Winter Vacation (By LeBrain & MarriedandHeels)

THE WRITER’S ROOM

• The Writer’s Room:  Chapter One
• The Writer’s Room:  It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like a Tee Bone Man Christmas
• The Writer’s Room:  Welcome to the Writer’s Room!
• The Writer’s Room:  Empty Room
• The Writer’s Room:  Summer Holidays!
• The Writer’s Room:  New Year’s Grieve!
• The Writer’s Room:  Return of the Snowman
• The Writer’s Room:  Snowman’s Gambit
• The Writer’s Room:  Outside the Writer’s Room

THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS – Phase 3 – The Unicron Saga

Chapter Two:  The Return of Dr. K

Starring:

• Mike the Brainiac
• Harrison El Moustachio
• Jen
• Ripper the Squirrel
• Max the Axe
• Señor Spielbergo
• and a sweet  vintage white Citroën 11 Légère Cabriolet

---

Friday.

“Well, this is going to be awkward,” said the man known as Moustachio to his friend, Brainiac II.  Both were ensconced in comfy chairs on the front deck of Northern Lights HQ.  They had a wonderful view of Lake Huron, as the breeze cooled their skin in the summer heat.  All was peace.  Though they were technically “on duty”, there hadn’t been a sign of danger in months.  Until now.

A small blue car with a Triforce logo on it was pulling into the driveway of the cottage next door.

“Is that who I think it is?” asked an excited Braniac.

“Doctor Kathryn,” gulped Moustachio.

Brainiac noticed the moustachioed man’s trepidation.  “Hey, what’s wrong buddy?  My sister is awesome.”

“That’s just it,” sweated Moustachio, suddenly not feeling cool at all.  “Your sister might not be too happy to meet the gene donor for your counterpart’s assassin.”

Brainiac blinked.  “Say that again?  I’ve had like two of these already,” said Mike while holding a can of his favourite strawberry cream soda “adult” beverage.

Moustachio spoke slower for him.  “It was my clone, Shinzon, that killed the ‘original’ you, the brother she knew.  Mr. Durling says that even though Shinzon is gone from this universe, she still might have…not a grudge precisely…maybe some negative feelings towards me, and by extension, maybe you too.”

“Ah!” smiled Brainiac.  “No problem.  I’ll just go over and say hello!”

Moustachio grabbed him by the shoulder.  “Not yet.  I’ve been preparing for this eventuality, and I’ve been reading her file.  Let her unpack first.  She doesn’t like unplanned guests.  The file was very specific on that.  According to the dossier…which I assume you have read…once she sent two vicious Schnauzers after a neighbour who merely wanted to borrow a cup of sugar.”

“Of course I read the dossier,” lied Brainiac II.  “But yeah, that is all true about her.  I’ll bring a peace offering.”

The two watched Dr. K unpack her vehicle.  To their surprise, dog after dog after dog poured out of the back seat.  They all ran in an orderly line to the front door of the cottage, waiting to be let in.

“Good doggies at least,” commented Brainiac II.

“Vicious killers,” whispered Moustachio.  “Hey, where is Ripper?  He should stay clear of those beasts.”

As if on cue, a little black squirrel hopped down from a nearby pine, and landed squarely on Moustachio’s shoulder.

“Stay with me, Ripper,” instructed Moustachio.  The squirrel nodded in the affirmative.

Brainiac and Moustachio hung back on the deck, with Ripper standing by, until Dr. K was done unpacking.  Eventually, she emerged from the cottage with two dogs on leashes.

“She’s walking the dogs,” alerted Brainiac.  “I’m going in.”

---

The two dogs led the way, one light brown and rather mutt-ly in appearance, the other a dark Schnauzer.  Both growled as the stranger appeared on the roadway in front of them.

“Grrrr!” alerted the brown one to the black one.

The man approached.  He had his hands in the air and was holding a frozen salmon.

“Hello!” he said in an awkward but friendly voice.  “Long time no see!”

The girl in red with the sunglasses pulled back on the dog leashes.  They both heeled, one on her right and one on her left.

“More like long time, never seen you before in my life,” she said with a warning tone.

“It’s me…Brainiac…your brother!  I bring you the gift of fish!  You don’t eat meat except fish, see I know that!”

“Anybody who Googles me could know that,” she answered coldly.  “Give me that fish.  Now what are you doing with that Australian asshole?”

Mike handed over the salmon cautiously, without getting too close.  “That’s my friend, Harrison.  He found me on my Earth in the multiverse, and brought me here to his home.  He’s not the one who killed me…killed your brother, I mean.  He’s good.  I promise.  I swear.”  The Brainiac raised his right hand in solemn honesty.  “He’s one of the good guys.  We’re fighting the same enemy as you.”

Dr. K growled and the two dogs followed in turn.  The chorus of growls was almost musical.

“We’ll see about that.  Just stay out of my way this weekend.  You mind your business, and I’ll mind mine.”

“OK, that’s fine…” said Brainiac.

“And keep that Australian out of my sight!” warned Dr. K as she stormed past the Brainiac on her way down the road.

---

“How did it go?” asked Moustachio.

“Oh, great!” lied Brainiac.  “We’ll be great neighbours.  Just…I think you should probably stay indoors for the rest of the weekend.”

“Oh?  Why?” queried Moustachio.

“Well,” gulped Brainiac, “She did mention that she didn’t want to see you around.”

“Ah,” answered Moustachio.  “Perfect.”

“Don’t worry, I have this well in hand,” lied Brainiac some more.  “Let’s both go inside and watch live Iron Maiden videos on Youtube, but on the big TV.  You’ll love it.  Come see.”

Harrison harrumphed, and went inside with his friend.  Ripper the squirrel remained outside, for it was an unfortunate house rule:  no squirrels inside.  Inside, Ripper hopped over to the laptop on the deck and monitored for danger.

Sitting atop his perch, Ripper sniffed the air.  “Squee squee!” he cried.

“What is it, friend?” said Harrison as he poked his head out the window.  “Something amiss?”

“Squeeeeee!” answered Ripper in squirrel-ese.

“Oh!  You smelled a skunk?  Fear not.  Brainiac said they are endemic to these woods, and are timid and harmless.  You stay out of their way and you’ll be fine.”  Ripper nodded in acknowledgement, and got back to monitoring.

---

Evening.

The air was still, but the sound of a booming bass clarinet echoed down at the lake.  The Brainiac was making his way back up the path.  The sun had set an hour ago, but at the beach he lingered.  He had been waiting for this day ever since he arrived in this universe.  He wanted it to be his new home, but it did not feel like home at the moment.  Though he recognized every inch of this place, he felt was a trespasser today.  The bass clarinet seemingly mocked his displacement; a thump of bass with his every footstep.  It was an unpleasant feeling.  It crawled over his skin like an insect.

Then he smelled it.  That sweet yet horrible smell of skunk.

“I think one has taken a nest nearby. Best tread carefully this weekend.”  The Brainiac stepped slowly and intently as he walked.  You didn’t want to scare a skunk at night.

Upon reaching the road, he paused to look over at Dr. K’s place.  There, she was hidden within “Kathronia”, her private rehearsal shed.  The lights streamed through the window, and Brainiac could see her practising intensely.  Two guard-Schnauzers stood at either side of the door.

Brainiac resumed walking, climbed the stairs and entered the brown cottage.  Moustachio and Jen were waiting for him in the kitchen.  They were working hard on building a Lego…something.

“Come and see what we made!” shouted Jen in excitement.  Harrison simply grinned in anticipation.

Mike leaned over on the kitchen table and looked to see what they had been working on.

“Is that…me?  A Minifigure me?  With…a drone?”

“It is, and yes, that’s correct,” answered Moustachio in return.  Now Jen was smiling.

“But I don’t own a drone,” said a confused Brainiac.

“That’s ‘Part 2’ of your surprise,” said Jen.  “Max the Axe is on his way tomorrow with a new toy for you.”

“For me?  A drone?” gasped Mike.

“You always said you wanted one,” said Moustachio.  “Both old-you and new-you.”

“That’s true, I have, but I never thought I’d own one!” responded Brainiac.

“Well, Max the Axe called here about an hour ago with a brand-new one in the box.  All he wants is to go for a swim in return,” informed Jen.

“Wow!  I can’t wait for tomorrow!” screamed Mike in excitement.

---

Saturday.

Max the Axe sat on the front deck with Mike, Moustachio, Jen and Ripper.  He cracked the top of a can of ice-cold beer and swigged it down.  Jen was deep into a Tim Horton’s large, while Mike and Harrison were sipping sweet tea, a beverage they acquired a taste for on their last mission.

“I thought you wanted to swim, Max?” asked Mike of his new guest.

“Gotta chill first!” answered Maxie.  “You got any tunes?”

“How about some Max the Axe?” answered Moustachio as he played “Gods on the Radio” from the laptop.  Max nodded in approval and raised his beer.

“You know, I’ll be able to make some cool videos for you Max, with this new drone.  Down by the River Grand, you playing a solo, me flying overhead…”  The Brainiac was half-way through his new drone manual.  It was charging up as the friends quaffed their beverages.

From next door, Mike saw Dr. K emerge from her cabin with seven or eight dogs.  She began walking them down the road.

“Shit!  Dr. K!  Harrison, get inside!” instructed Mike.  Harrison swiftly ducked indoors before Dr. K could see him.

Dr. K completely ignored them as she walked by.  She had earbuds on, and did not turn her head even a little.  The dogs, however, did.

“Hey doggies!” shouted Maxie from the porch.  “Polly want a cracker?”

The dogs went on their way, out of sight down the road.

---

Afternoon.

Max was towelling off down at the beach.  “That was a fantastic swim!” he proclaimed as he towelled off his excellent hair.  “I feel completely refreshed and ready for my next beer.”

“How long are you planning on staying, Maxie?” asked the Brainiac who assumed it was just for an afternoon.  Brainiac was flying his new drone up and down the beach.  It was like second nature to him, as if he’d been doing it his whole life.  The drone dipped, dived and dodged through the rocks on the lakeshore.

“How long?  Just a couple days,” answered Max as he towelled some more.  He shook his perfect hair like a dog.  “Need to cool down and chill out.”

“Super,” said Brainiac.  “Unfortunately there isn’t a spare bed, but you can pitch a tent on the vacant lot between me and Dr. K if you want.”

“Copy that,” said Max.  “I came prepared.  What’s for dinner?”

“I guess you didn’t come that prepared,” answered Brainiac.  “We’re having Australian cuisine this evening.  Vegemite on toast with kangaroo sausage.”

“That’s disgusting!” boomed a voice coming down the pathway.  It was Dr. K.

“Oh, hey Doc,” said Mike.  “You know Max the Axe.”  Max waved over.

“You’re actually going to eat kangaroo meat?  That’s disgusting.  Your friend is a savage,” spat Dr. K.

“You’re welcome for the salmon,” answered the Brainiac with bitterness.  “I’d offer to cook it for you, but I’m sure you don’t want your food anywhere near my friend the savage…who saved me, by the way.”

Dr. K ignored him and continued down the beach.

“Come on Maxie, let’s go,” said the Brainiac.  The two walked back up the pathway to the cottage.

---

Midnight.

Max the Axe tossed and turned in his tent.  The ground was hard beneath him, and his air mattress had a leak.

“Can’t…can’t sleep,” grunted an annoyed Max.  Next door, the dogs woke up.  Then the howling began.  Dr. K’s dogs, awakened by Max, broke into song. They howled like wolves in the night.  “Well now I really won’t be able to sleep,” complained Max as he got up.  “Better go pee.”

Max stumbled out of his tent, and made his way across the road.  He gazed at the stars as he peed.  He sighed in tired relief as the remnants of his beer spilled into the dirt.

“Kangaroo sausage is kinda gamey,” said Max to nobody as he zipped up his pants.  It was then that he smelled it.

“Smells like weed,” said Max as he sniffed.  He heard something moving in the darkness.  “Here, kitty kitty,” said Max to the shrubbery before him.  The dogs sang their song behind him.  The shape in the shrubs made a noise as it moved beneath his feet.

“Heeeeere kitty!” said Max excitedly as he saw a little black face poke out from the shrubs.  The dogs increased their sing-song howling, as if they were warning of imminent danger.  Maxie stepped further into the bushes.  “Here kitty!  Want a piece of kangaroo sausage?”   The animal backed off immediately, and raised its tail.  A black tail with a prominent white stripe running down.  The animal turned and faced its tail towards Max.

“You’re a funny looking cat,” pondered Max as the dogs hit their crescendo.    Then, a noxious spray hit him right in the face.

“SKUNK!  SKUUUUNK!” screamed Max in horror as he fell on his back.  The skunk scurried away in the night, just as scared as Max was.

Suddenly a pack of dogs tore loose from the front door of Dr. K’s cottage.  They ran towards Max, gripped him by the T-shirt, and pulled with all their might.  With their combined strength, they managed to drag Max out of the stinky bushes.  Then, they ran back to the cottage just as fast as they came.  Dr. K emerged, in a really bad mood.

“Thanks for waking up my dogs, Max,” she said sarcastically.  “Oh dear god, that stink!  Did you get sprayed by a skunk?”  She plugged her nose.

“I thought it a was a bush cat!” answered Max.

Dr. K approached with a spray bottle in hand.  Her nose was plugged.

“Looks like your bush was a patch of poison ivy.  You have a fun day ahead of you tomorrow.  Oh, that stink!”

Plugging her nose, she handed Max the spray bottle.  “Take this.  I have lots of experience with dogs getting sprayed by skunks.  Use this, but use the whole bottle.  And keep it down out here!  It’s midnight!  Some of us are trying to sleep!  I have a big day tomorrow and I don’t need you idiots messing it up!”

“I’m just one idiot,” protested Max as he sprayed himself all over with the chemical in the bottle.  “The other idiots are sleeping.”

“No we’re not,” called out Mike from a window.  “Nobody’s sleeping now!”

“What are ya doing tomorrow?” asked Max.

“I have a video shoot for my new album here, and you all better stay out of my way!”  Dr. K stormed back across the road and slammed the door.

---

Sunday.

It was a quiet morning.  Dr. K was preparing for her video shoot while her dogs stood by loyally.  Everyone else was laying low.  The Brainiac sipped his coffee on the front porch.  He stared intently at the water, doing his best not to look at or attract the attention of Dr. K.  She was in a bad enough mood already, after the shenanigans of Max the Axe the night before.  As for the Axe Man, he slept loudly in his tent between the two properties.

Harrison poked his head out the window.  “Is it safe for me to come out?” he asked.

“Should be OK for a few minutes,” answered the Brainiac.  “What’s up?”

“I’ll show you,” answered Moustachio.  A moment later and he was on the porch with tablet in hand.

“Scanners are picking up a threat,” informed Moustachio.  “According to this map, it is travelling on land, down highway 26.  Roughly one and a half hours to arrival.”

Mike pulled on the little tuft of facial hair under his lip.  He thought a moment.  “Question one:  How do we know it is a threat?”

Moustachio flipped the screen to another page. He pointed.  “See here.  Audio scans.  There is absolutely no bass in a bubble around this vehicle.  Judging by its trajectory and speed of 105 kilometers per hour, we know it’s a land vehicle like a car or truck.  But it is the bass bubble that set off the alert.  Whatever it is, it absorbs bass.”

Mike thought some more.  “Two of us play bass instruments.  It could be coming for me…or it could be coming for her.”  He paused a moment.  “Question two:  Do we intercept, or wait?”

Moustachio smiled.  “Intercept.  Question three:  Which vehicle do we take?  We have our newly acquired vintage white Citroën 11 Légère Cabriolet, imported here from Europe and suped up by the Durling Foundation, and we have the Stealth Jet hidden away from prying eyes.”  The pair had taken the liberty of re-locating both vehicles nearby for quick deployment.

“The Cabriolet!” said Mike as he clapped his hands together in delight.  “You drive.”

“Roger Roger,” said Harrison.

“I’ll bring my bass, it might come in handy, or it might be useless.  We’ll see.  Allons-y!” commanded Mike.

 

---

Noon.

“There it is!” shouted Harrison as the wind whipped his hair in the open-topped car.  Mike squinted his eyes and confirmed on the scanner.

“A huge bubble of absolutely no bass coming from that thing.  20 meters wide, maybe more.  Good thing Durling equipped this Cabriolet with a subwoofer and a guitar input.  I’m plugging in.  Stop the car!”

Harrison pulled the vintage classic open-top car over and parked.  Mike grabbed his acoustic bass from the back and plugged into the dash.  He strummed.  A throb of heavy bass chords blasted from the car sound system.  Harrison plugged his ears, gave the thumbs up, and jumped out of the car.  “Here!” he said to the Brainiac.  “Ear protection from this point forward!”  He handed his friend a set of high-tech noise cancelling earplugs.

The vehicle approaching them was now clear.  Silver and sleek, it looked like something from a science fiction movie.  Or outer space… thought Moustachio to himself.  “Contact in 10 seconds!” he shouted.  Mike responded with a thumbs up.  He placed goggles over his eyes.  This could kick up some dust.

“Six seconds!” alerted Moustachio.  Mike prepared to pick.

“Two…one…NOW!”  Mike strummed.

And nothing happened.

The silver car streaked past unhindered.  Mike and Harrison’s ears poppped as the bubble of no-bass passed with the car.  They looked at each other.

“Back in the car!”  They jumped aboard and began pursuing the silver speedster.  Harrison gunned it, and the car leaped back onto the asphalt, in a spill of gravel and dust.  “Allons-y!”

Harrison sweat furiously as he fought to overtake the silver vehicle.  “Don’t let him out of our sights,” ordered Harrison.  Mike fired up the big screen and scanned.  His brow furrowed.  “Harrison…I think we’re in pursuit of a vehicle…that may be in pursuit of another vehicle!  He seems to have caught up to, and is directly behind, a small blue car with a single passenger.  Woah!  Cancel that.  He just ran the blue car off the road!”  A cloud of dust exploded on the road ahead.  “There!  That’s it!  Pull over!”

“If I pull over, I’ll lose the silver car!” warned Moustachio.

“We have to help this guy if we can,” reasoned Mike.  Harrison nodded and pulled over directly behind a blue Honda in a ditch.  The driver was getting out at that moment.

“What was that!?” asked the frantic driver who was clearly in the midst of a panic.  “That guy ran me right off the road!”

“We’ve been following him and we have a few questions!” said Harrison.  “Who are you exactly?”

The man brushed dust off his pants, though the road was still clouded with the stuff.  “My name is Señor Spielbergo, I’m a music video director.  I was on my way to film Dr. Kathryn’s new video for her album, but I’ll never make it now!  Look, four flat tires!”

Harrison and Mike looked down and indeed, the man had four flat tires.  He was not going anywhere.

“We have to leave pronto, we’ll call you a tow truck, sorry but we gotta go!  C’mon Moustachio!”  Mike signalled his friend to get in and continue pursuit.

“But wait!!  Who are you guys?” asked the videographer.

“We’re the Northern Lights!” shouted Harrison as his car skidded away.  “And we have an enemy to pursue!”

---

Afternoon.

Dr. K was absolutely seething.  Not only was Max the Axe’s tent pitched in the exact spot she planned on filming her video, but her videographer Señor Spielbergo was late.

“I’ll film your video for you,” offered Max.  “I have a super-8 camera in the tent.”

“About that…” growled Dr. K.  “Move the tent, now!  That’s where I’m playing my big solo!  Right where you’re camping!”

“Well you can’t play your big solo without a camera,” reasoned Max.

“MOVE!” she bellowed, and then raised her bass clarinet to her lip.  With a mighty breath, she exhaled and blasted Max five feet backwards.

“Alright, alright, I’ll move, jeez I was just tryin’ to help ya.  I’m kind of a big deal you know.”

Dr. K turned her back and stormed off.  Today was already a total disaster.  If it wasn’t for the skunk stench lingering in the air, thanks to Max the Axe, it was definitely the missing videographer.

“At least that lousy Australian has stayed out of my way,” she mumbled.

It was then that she spotted the boomerang soaring over her head.

“Dr. K!  DUCK!” yelled a deep voice with an Australian accent.

Dr. K hit the dirt and looked up.  Three figures were running in her direction.  The lead figure was one she didn’t recognize — a cyborg of some kind!  Its robotic limbs propelled it at great speed in her direction.  Its grey fleshy face stared as it ran.  Behind it in close pursuit were the Australian named Moustachio, and her brother…or Brainiac II, or whatever he was calling himself.

Harrison caught the boomerang and hurled it again.  This time it struck true and hit the cyborg in the back of the knee.  There it lodged itself, and the half-man half-machine hit the ground with a thud.  But the bass-heavy thud was immediately absorbed back into the circuitry of the cyborg.

No bass!  Dr. K realized what this being was.  An Anti-Bass!  And extremely powerful alien android from the Planet Of No Bass, somewhere in Justice For All system.

“It’s here for me!” she exclaimed.  She raised her bass clarinet and blasted as hard as she could.  The bass dissipated in a wide bubble around the cyborg, but it was still on the ground, struggling with the metallic boomerang lodged into its leg.  Then, it began clawing its way through the dirt, carving a trail in the earth.

Brainiac II, with his acoustic bass strapped to his back, raced to help his sister.  Moustachio grabbed the half-electronic being by its other leg and tried to pull it backwards.

“Maybe if we both played the same note, we could overload that thing!” he suggested.  Dr. K shook her head no emphatically.

“It’s still not enough power!  We’d need three bass instruments minimum, and yours isn’t even amplified!”

“Wait!  Look” pointed the Brainiac towards the cyborg.  It’s not crawling towards you…it’s crawling towards the tent!  It’s not after you…it never was!  And it’s definitely not after me.”

“Who else could it be after?” exclaimed Dr. K.  “I’m the bass clarinettist extraordinaire!  Besides, who else here plays bass?”

“I do!” shouted Max the Axe from his tent.  He was pulling a large Peavy bass amp behind him.  “And I have the amplification, too!  Come on Mike, you knew I played bass!”

“I did know that!” snapped Brainiac.  “Plug me in!  All three of us have to play the same notes, simultaneously, to beat that thing!  It was after Max the Axe all along, I guess?”

“I told you I’m a big deal.  Now hold on, I have to tune up you know.  I’m a professional.”  Max fidgeted with the tuning pegs on a nice shiny blue bass guitar.

“Hurry up Max!” cried Harrison.  I’m losing my grip on this thing!”

At that moment, Max the Axe tuned his bass with exact precision.  He looked the Brainiac in the eye.  The Brainiac nodded in return and raised his bass, now plugged into the Peavy.  Max turned his head and looked at Dr. K, who joined them in a line with her bass clarinet.  She raised it to her lips and nodded.  Then, they played.

The sound of the three bass instruments emanated with power, but were swiftly absorbed by the Anti-Bass bubble.  The cyborg trembled and moaned something in a distorted digital voice.  Harrison managed to pull it back three feet.

“That did something!” shouted the Australian.  “Again!  With feeling!”

The three musicians stood and blasted another note.  This time, the circuitry on the cyborg’s head began to sputter and spark, as it cried in digital pain.

“One more!” commanded Harrison.

Together, they played the same note, as low as they could go, one more time.  This time, the bass did not disappear in a bubble.  With a loud tremor, the bubble imploded.  The cyborg was crushed by the force, and fell to pieces.  Harrison’s metal boomerang fell loose, undamaged.  Harrison stood and collected his weapon.

“We did it!” he announced.  “This cyborg is no more.”

The four high-fived in celebration.

“So, what happened to your cool car?” asked Dr. K of Moustachio and Brainiac.  “You came back here on foot.”

“Three cars got wrecked in this adventure, though we were only responsible for two of them,” answered Harrison vaguely.

“The third vehicle belonged to your videographer, a Señor Spielbergo?  He said he was on his way to film your new video today.  I regret to inform you that he is now riding home in a tow truck,” informed the Brainiac.

“Well there goes my video!” stomped Dr. K in frustration.

“Why?” asked Max the Axe.  “Don’t we have a brand new drone here to film you with?”

Everyone stopped and stared in silence at Max.

“Holy shit!  This man’s a genius!” shouted the Brainiac.

---

Early evening.

A roaring fire blazed in the background as Dr. K played her bass clarinet solo for the drone overhead.  Jen and Ripper the squirrel clapped on in excitement from the sidelines as they watched.  Mike was fully absorbed in his drone controls, as he swooped overhead.  Then he circled around Dr. K, who rotated in synch with the drone.  As a favour, Max the Axe agreed to play guitar in the background.  He looked cool as his hair was swept by the wind.  The drone came down between the two and panned to the lake ahead.

This was going to be an awesome video.

---

Midnight.

A temporary peace was at hand.  Around the fire sat Dr. K and nine dogs, Jen and Ripper the squirrel, with Max the Axe, the Brainiac and Moustachio.  It was a tense truce.  Dr. K didn’t want to be seated anywhere near the Australian, or the Brainiac that matter.  Max the Axe had beer, at least.  Deep in thought, she rewound the events of the last 24 hours.  That Anti-Bass cyborg wasn’t here for her.  That was a surprise to her.  She’d been making waves through the galaxy as a mercenary for hire with a dog army, and she wouldn’t be surprised if somebody was looking for revenge.

She broke the silence.  “So…if that cyborg wasn’t after me, why did it take out my videographer and try to ruin my video?” she asked.

Moustachio rose to answer.  “Your videographer was just an unfortunate bystander.  We had assumed the Anti-Bass was tailing him for many miles, but they just happened to be going to the same place.  The cyborg was trying to outrace use, and Speilbergo didn’t get out of his way in time.”

Then Max the Axe suddenly awakened from his near slumber.  “Wait a minute wait a minute.  There are robots after me?  Why?  What did I do?”

The Braniac pondered this question.  “It might not be something you did, but something you have.  Do you have anything else of value in that tent of yours?”

“Yah,” answered Max.  “I have three working tape decks, a Casio keyboard and a whole bunch of Starlog magazines from 1985-1986.”

“Bingo,” snapped Harrison with his fingers.

“Don’t you mean dingo?” asked a confused Max.

“No, Bingo, like you Canadians say.  It’s the Starlog magazines.  I have hunch.  Mike, get me a light.  Max, bring me the magazines.”

With Mike shining a light down, Harrison scanned through them issue by issue, until he reached the one he was looking for.  July, 1986.  Transformers: The Movie special issue.  He opened it. Getting more excited page by page, Harrison knew he was on the right track.  Then, he stopped.  He gasped.

“There.  There!” he pointed to a page.  It was a fold-out.

“Complete schematics of Unicron the Planet Eater?” asked the Brainiac.

“Precisely,” answered Moustachio.  “This is invaluable to us, and anybody trying to stop us.  Get it scanned immediately.  This could be everything.  This could win the war.”

“War? What war?” asked Dr. K as Max stared agape.

Harrison grinned.

“Oh, we have a lot to catch you up on.”

To be continued…

---

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

• Chapter Zero:  Tee Bone Man – Origins (by LeBrain)
• Chapter One: A Friend in Need (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Two: Hell Freezes Over (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Three: Hell Ain’t A Bad Place to Be (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Four: Tee Bone Man and the Rink of…Doom? (by Aaron KMA)
• Chapter Five: The Super Duper Vault (by John T. Snow)
• Chapter Six: Tee Bone Man Goes to Camp (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Seven:  The Revenge of Common Knowledge (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Eight:  Tee Bone & Deke’s Time Travelling Adventure (by 80sMetalMan)
• Chapter Nine:  Castle Communications (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Ten:  The Case of the Lost Iron Maiden Socks (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Eleven:  A Tee Bone Man Christmas (by all five of us)
• Chapter Twelve:  Lost In Space (by John T. Snow)
• Chapter Thirteen:  Clip Show (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Fourteen:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Discover the Tao (An Intermission) (By Aaron KMA)
• Chapter Fifteen: Status Acoustic – The Really Big Deal (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Sixteen:  A Crazy Crazy Night (part 1) (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Sixteen:  A Crazy Crazy Night (part 2) (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Sixteen:  A Crazy Crazy Night (part 3) (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Seventeen:  Tee Bone Man vs. Edie Van Heelin’ (by LeBrain)

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

• Chapter Eighteen:  Shinzon – Origins (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Nineteen:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes vs. the Lego (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty:  The Death of Edie Van Heelin’ (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty-One:  Fate of the Brainiac (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty-Two:  Enter:  The Durling Foundation (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty-Three:  Tee Bone Man’s NYE Extravaganza!  (By all of us!)
• Chapter Twenty-Four:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Go Back to School Part 1 (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty-Four:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Go Back to School Part 2 (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty-Five (flashback):  Tee Bone and Ripper the Squirrel Return to Camp (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty-Six:  The Final Chapter (by Harrison Kopp)

THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS:  PHASE THREE – THE UNICRON SAGA

• Chapter One:  Creatures of the Night (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Two:  The Return of Dr. K (by LeBrain)

 

SPINOFFS AND SIDE QUESTS

• Noirison:  Chapter One (By Holen)
• Noirison:  Chapter Two (By Holen)
• Noirison:  Chapter Three (By Holen) 2024
• Who’s the Mole in Rock and Roll Heaven? (by 80sMetalMan)
• Shinzon – Dread and the Fugitive Mind (By Harrison Kopp)
• Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures: Chapter 1 – Farao Way From Home (By Harrison Kopp)
• Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures: Chapter 2:  Train of Consequence – Part One (By Harrison Kopp)
• Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures: Chapter 2:  Train of Consequence – Part Two (By Harrison Kopp)
• Snippison and Brainikin’s Excellent Adventure:  Chapter One
• Jen In Space:  Mission One (By LeBrain)
• Deep Black Rainbow:  The Full Concert (By 80sMetalMan)
• Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures:  Tales From The Multiverse Part 1- Man Of A Thousand Blades (by Harrison Kopp)
• Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures:  Tales From The Multiverse Part 2 – Homeward Bound (by Harrison Kopp

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 1:  Edie vs. Tommy Lee in the Bouncy Castle of Doom! (By LeBrain)
• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 2:  Edie and the Quest for the Lost Lego (By LeBrain with Harrison Kopp)
• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 3:  Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation (By LeBrain)
• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 4:  Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation Part 2 (By LeBrain & MarriedandHeels)
• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 5:  Edie Meets the Wolf (by LeBrain)
• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 6:  Edie’s Winter Vacation (By LeBrain & MarriedandHeels)

THE WRITER’S ROOM

• The Writer’s Room:  Chapter One
• The Writer’s Room:  It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like a Tee Bone Man Christmas
• The Writer’s Room:  Welcome to the Writer’s Room!
• The Writer’s Room:  Empty Room
• The Writer’s Room:  Summer Holidays!
• The Writer’s Room:  New Year’s Grieve!
• The Writer’s Room:  Return of the Snowman
• The Writer’s Room:  Snowman’s Gambit
• The Writer’s Room:  Outside the Writer’s Room

THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS – Phase 3 – The Unicron Saga

Chapter One:  The Creatures of the Night

Starring: 

• Mike the Brainiac
• Harrison El Moustachio
• Mr. Durling
• The Snowman
• Max the Axe
• Ripper the Squirrel

Kincardine, Ontario.  Summer.

Moustachio was hard at work.  He had an important job before him.  Tim Durling, CEO of the Durling Foundation, had tasked him with an almost impossible quest:  finding a copy of Creatures of the Night on 8-track tape.  Harrison remembered the conversation well.

“What’s weird is, I’ve only ever seen one variant of it, the US Mercury retail.  There have to be others,” said Mr. Durling.

“You want me to hunt for a Kiss 8-track tape?  Don’t we have any villains to quash?  Perhaps a dark artefact of evil to prevent from falling into the wrong hands?”

“Nope,” answered Durling.  “It’s been pretty quiet out there.  Even your mad clone Shinzon, who we now know survived the final battle with Tee Bone Man, seems to be lost in the multiverse with no way to get to us.  So, this is my top priority at the moment.  I have the Jexciter and the Night Ranger searching Eastern Canada, to no avail.”

“If I find one,” asked Moustachio, “What should I pay for it?”

“In order to know that, I would have to actually see one for sale, which I have not,” answered Durling.

“Ah, an easy task then,” answered Moustachio.  “I’ll get the Brainiac on it, and we’ll begin our search.  I take it we have your stealth jet at our disposal?”

“It is parked at the Kincardine airport right now.  Off you go!” ordered Durling.

That was the conversation.  The only issue now was waking a snoring Brainiac.  Moustachio could hear him, over the crashing waves, all the way down at the beach.

“Always sleeping, that one,” complained Harrison as he put on some shoes and started walking.  “I wonder if the original Brainiac snored this loud?”

From a window, Jennifer (aka Mrs. Brainiac) answered.  “The original Michael was even worse!” she laughed.  Harrison was stone-faced.  He was not amused by the constant snoring, day or night.  It had to stop or he’d never get any sleep himself.  This new Brainiac, whom he rescued from a universe where he was all alone, was almost identical in every way to the original, killed by the evil Shinzon long ago.  He looked the same.  He talked the same.  He was a perfect copy in almost every quality, but two.  One, he was alive.  Two, apparently he didn’t snore as much.  They informally called him “Brainiac II” but for all intents and purposes, he was the Brainiac.  He fit into our universe as if the original never died.  As if he only went away for a little while.

“Hey Harrison,” said Jen.  “Come back here a minute.”

Dutifully, Harrison returned to the front porch.  “Yes ma’am?” he bowed.  From a tree high above, Ripper the Squirrel descended, and perched upon his shoulder.  “Squee squee?” asked Ripper as he joined his old friend.

“Keep an eye on Mike for me,” she cautioned.  “It was fun for me to fly around in space last year, but I’d rather keep him around this time.  Don’t let anything happen to him,” she instructed.  Ripper nodded in understanding.  He was learning English at a rapid rate, though none of the humans had really mastered squirellese yet.

Harrison saluted in return.  Then, Ripper also saluted upon his shoulder.  “Fear not, this is an easy mission.  A fun mission.  No harm will come to the Brainiac this time, I promise.  Meanwhile, I’ll leave Ripper here to mind the camp with you.”  Ripper squee’d in delight, for he knew that Jen stuffed him full of peanuts if he was good.  Moustachio turned and left the pair to conspire.  He made his way down to the beach.  It was a beautiful day, with a light breeze and small waves crashing against the stones.

“Mike!” shouted Moustachio as he approached the beach.  “Time to wake up!  We have a mission.”  He saw a still lump of a human being on the bench ahead, unmoving except the heaving of his body as he snored.  Moustachio covered his ears and hovered over the Brainiac.  He was unshaven and sunburned.

“Mike!” shouted Harrison from two feet away.  The Brainiac did not stir.  Moustachio poked his exposed belly with a stick, and suddenly he started awake!

“WOAH!” shouted Brainiac in sudden shock.  “Oh…Harrison!  What’s up matey?”  He attempted to do an Australian accent.  “Here to put another shrimp on the barbie?”

“I told you to stop talking like that,” complained Harrison.  “Now come back up to the camp.  We have a mission.  From Mr. Durling.  You’ll like this one.”

“And I told you, stop calling it camp!  Our headquarters is a cottage, not a camp.  We are not Northern Ontario savages.  We have our own dialect!”

“Noted,” responded Moustachio.  “Now get your Crocs on and get back to the cottage.  My understanding is the stealth jet is fueled and waiting for us at the airport.”

“Aye-aye, captain!” saluted the Brainiac as he leaped to his feet.  “What’s the mission?”

With a sly wink, Moustachio told him.  “You and I are going to hunt for an 8-track copy of Creatures of the Night.”

The Brainiac’s jaw dropped.  “No way…that thing is pure legend.  I’ve never seen a copy, only pictures.  But I have a pretty good idea where to start.”

“Where’s that?” asked the Moustache Man inquisitively.

Mike winked.  “To the jet!  We have to head back to Kitchener, and Max the Axe’s garage sale.  Allons-y!”

---

The black jet cut silently through the clouds.  Stealthy as a bat at night, the jet attracted no eyes as Moustachio and the Brainiac soared.  The sky was a bright, vivid blue, dotted by puffs of white clouds and a gleaming yellow sun.  In the pilot’s seat was the Brainiac, while Moustachio sat behind, monitoring the radar and communications.

“How about a little music?” asked the Brainiac of his friend.

“‘Flight of Icarus’ seems appropriate, without the crashing of course!” answered the moustached Australian.

“Cheerio!” exclaimed the Brainiac.  The opening chords crunched in the earphones.

“Flyyyy…on your way!  Like an eagle…fly as high, as the sun!” sang Mike as he pulled back on the controls, causing the jet to climb sunward.  He did a fancy maneuver, testing the responses of this new stealth jet.

“Wait a minute…” gasped Moustachio.  “Mike, we are not alone here!  I have four bogies on an intercept vector!”

“Time to dive!” replied Mike, as the jet lurched groundward.  “What do you see?”

“They’re small…four tiny blips on our radar.  Too small to be manned.  Must be UAV’s, unmanned aerial vehicles!  They’re diving too!”

Mike pondered this information as he attempted evasive moves.  The jet suddenly shot off to the west, towards the coast of Lake Huron.  “I got this…besides, I know a few maneuvers, we’ll lose ’em,” he said calmly.

“We’re not losing them!” answered Moustachio.

“What the?!” exclaimed Mike as one of them fired a shot!

“This tape must be hotter than I thought,” he Mike with concern.  “Try to hold them off, angle the deflector shield while I make the calculations to hit the afterburners!”

“Shields up, captain!” answered Harrison in the back.  “Get us out of here!”

Mike hit the afterburners, and suddenly the jet leaped skyward.  He and Harrison were pressed back into their seats as the jet continued to climb.   “Flying is for droids…” mumbled Mike.

Harrison fought the G-forces as he struggled to see the radar screen.  When his vision returned, the radar screen bore good news. “That did it!  We are clear!  Kill the afterburners!”  Mike hit the the controls, and the jet began to level out.

“Whew…that was close!” said Mike as he wiped the sweat from his brow.  “But who could be after us?  Who is trying to stop us for getting that tape?  And why?”

Harrison thought a minute, but did have one suspicion that he wasn’t yet ready to share.  “I have a feeling we will find out,” he said.  “But we must be on the right track if they are trying to stop us.”  Mike grimly agreed with his Australian co-pilot.

“Then let’s continue with our mission, with our guard up.  Once we land, I suggest we do not leave this jet unarmed,” he warned.  The two were uncharacteristically quiet the rest of the trip.

---

“Woah!” blurted out a bleary-eyed Max the Axe.  “A jet!”

Indeed, the black stealth jet was making a vertical landing right in front of Max the Axe’s garage sale.  A big sign saying “Trillion Dollar Treats” hung overhead.  Max shielded his eyes from the blast as the jet softly landed.  He watched as two figures exited the cockpit.

“Mike!  Harrison!  Good to see you guys!  What are ya lookin’ for?  I just got in a brand new Sony CD player that can hold 100 CDs at a time.”

“No thanks Maxie,” answered Mike, shaking his hand.  “We’re after something else.  We’re on a quest.”

Max shook Harrison’s hand.  “Where are you off to?” he asked.

“We don’t know where we’re going, we just know where we’ve been,” answered Harrison cryptically.

“Searching in the darkness, running from the day?” asked Max.

“Exactly,” answered Harrison, pointing at Mike.  “This one seemed to be averse to daylight, he’s always napping!”  The three laughed.

“What we are hunting for,” said Mike, deflecting the jokes, “is a very rare copy of Creatures of the Night on 8 track tape.  The Kiss album.”

“I had one here last week,” answered Max nonchalantly.  He started to dig through his piles of tapes.  “It must be around here somewhere.”  He dug more frantically, tossing audio equipment here and there, trying to get to the bottom of a pile.

“Well, Max?” asked Harrison.  Max ignored him and mumbled something about how he knew exactly where it was.

Mike leaned over to whisper to Harrison.  “I have a feeling this is a dead end after all.”  Harrison nodded in sullen agreement.

Finally, Max emerged from a pile of broken speakers, empty handed.

“It’s been stolen!” said Max.  “I know exactly where I put it, and it’s gone.  I’ve been robbed!”

Mike and Harrison looked at each other knowingly.  The thief had to be the same person who sent those UAV’s after them.  It could not be a coincidence.

“Max, you won’t believe this, but…” said Mike before he was cut off by the sound of a large blast.

“Take cover!” cried Moustachio as he wielded his boomerang.  “We’re under attack!  Again!”

From around the corner came four…snowmen?  Each one carried a blaster and they were approaching very slowly.  After all, Snowmen don’t have legs.

“Oh, man…” said Mike, ducking with his head in his hands.  He brandished a new, red lightsaber T-guard and ignited it.  It crackled with wild, uncontrolled energy.  “There’s only one man dumb enough to send a snowman army after us in the middle of summer.”

Harrison nodded.  “I think I know who.  Come on, this shouldn’t be too hard.”

As they approached closer, Moustachio and the Brainiac could see there were actually three snowmen, and one snowwoman.

“She’s a killer!  A stone-cold killer!” exclaimed one snowman, as the snowwoman aimed her blaster at Moustachio.  He threw his boomerang, deflecting the shot.  It returned to his waiting hand, and he launched it again.  This time it claimed one of the snowpeople’s heads.

“Danger! Danger!” cried the snowwoman, as Mike bisected it.

“Of all the tapes we needed, we had to seek the one that set the Snowman off!” shouted Mike.

“Well too late…we can’t stop this thing we started,” answered Harrison.

“Just don’t get reckless!” instructed Mike.  He leaped into the air, did a somersault, and landed right between the last two snowmen.  They took aim at him.  Leaping once again, Mike was out of the way when the two snowmen took each other out with their own shots.

With the sound of a flash, Mike turned off his lightsaber.  Harrison holstered his boomerang.  Max had somehow fallen on the ground after all the excitement.  The pair went over to pick him up.

“Easy Max,” said Moustachio.  “You’ve had a busy day.”

“That was crazy,” answered Max as he lurched to his feet.  “I’ve never heard of living snowmen before,” he said as he wiped dirt from his jeans.

“We have,” said Harrison.  “And I know where we must go next.  But we will need help.”

“Here…take this,” said Max, handing him a large box.  “This has been in storage since 1984.  You’ll have to break the latch off the box to open it.  But don’t open it until it’s time.”

“What’s in it and how will we know when it’s time?” asked Mike.

“Trust me,” answered Max.  “I’m kind of a big deal.  Did you guys need some smoke detectors?  I have six over here, still sealed in package.  A great deal.  I’ll give you all six for $20.”

“No thanks Maxie,” answered Brainiac.  “But keep your radio on, just in case we need you.  We know who stole your tape, and we’re going to steal it back.  Mr. Durling needs it, and he will assure that you are adequately compensated.”

“Ask that Durling guy if he needs any Marillion,” answered Max.

“He doesn’t!” replied Mike and Harrison in unison.

---

The stealth jet was now in American airspace, heading for its ultimate destination:  North Carolina.  The Snowman’s compound.  The Snowman was an eccentric collector, and member of the Northern Lights, whose Kiss collection boasted a copy of the Super Duper Vault, so large he had to build another house to store it.  He was known for his rather useless army of snowmen.  And now, our two heroes were on their way to a confrontation that neither of them wanted to have.

“I don’t understand something,” said Harrison from the back seat.  “The Snowman is one of us, he is a chartered member of the Northern Lights.  Why would he be working against us?”

“The answer, my dear Australian friend, is simple,” answered Mike in the pilot’s seat.  “With Kiss collectors it’s every man and snowman for himself!  Creatures of the Night is a holy grail tape, so rare that even Mr. Durling has never seen a copy in the flesh.  Snowman is one of the world’s foremost Kiss collectors.  It’s almost expected that he would crank up his war machine to steal that tape from Max.  He will stop at nothing to have a complete collection.”

“Makes sense I suppose, but the idea of going to war against our friend makes me mildly uncomfortable,” said Moustachio.

“I agree with you there,” lamented Mike.  “I think we can do this without anyone getting hurt.  We just need to steal that tape back.  It rightfully belongs to Max the Axe, and Mr. Durling will pay Max whatever it costs to get the tape, but one thing for sure is that it doesn’t belong to Snowman.  He stole it, plain and simple.  He can’t keep it, and we’re going to make sure of that.”  Some sweat broke on his brow, and he felt tense in his stomach.  “I just hope it doesn’t come to violence.”

Moustachio glanced at his radar and saw that they were close.  No enemy bogies were approaching.  “All clear on the radar,” he said.

Mike had a chill up his spine as he circled a clearing near the Snowman’s two houses, perfect for a landing.  What was that chill?  The air on his arms was standing up.

“Harrison…I feel cold…did something bad happen in this place?” asked Mike with foreboding.

Moustachio had kept this information to himself, but it was finally time to tell the Brainiac what happened.

“Yes.  I had hoped you would not have to know this, but according to Tee Bone Man and Superdekes, this is where you died.  Rather, where Brainiac I died, in our universe.  And he was killed by my own clone, Shinzon.  But I assure you, nothing like that will happen this time,” comforted Moustachio.

“So this is where your Brainiac was killed,” said Mike with grim darkness in his voice.  “I don’t want to know any more.”

“Let’s put it behind us then,” said Moustachio.  “I see a good place to land, right there by that stand of trees ahead.  It’s far enough from the houses that we won’t seem like an immediate threat.  Maybe we can talk our way out of this.”

---

“I thought you said you could talk our way out of this!” complained Mike the Brainiac as he dodged laser fire behind a rock.  “You call this a diplomatic solution?”

“No!” shouted Harrison from behind another rock.  “I call this aggressive negotiations!”  He hurled his boomerang, and it struck true, decapitating an advancing snowman.

When the two had landed, they approached the two houses slowly with open hands.  Harrison stashed his boomerang in his belt with no intention of using it, but then dozens of snowmen forced him to change his mind!  They were now in the thick of it.

“How come I always end up hiding behind a rock?” muttered Harrison.

“At least you have me for company.  Now what?!” asked Brainiac in frustration.  “Hang on!  My phone is ringing!”  Mike stopped to answer his phone.  Unsurprisingly, it was the Snowman on the line.

“You guys better get out of here now!” warned the Snowman.  “I know what you’re here for, and it’s mine!”

“Snowman, it’s Mike…you remember me don’t you?  That tape doesn’t belong to you.  We know you stole it from Max the Axe and we’re here to get it back.”

“Of course I know you Mike…I cradled you in my arms as I watched you die!  And I don’t care where you came from or how you got here but that tape is mine!  I must have the precious.”  Snowman hung up.

“So much for negotiations, aggressive or otherwise!” shouted Mike to Harrison.  “We’re going to have to take it by force.”

“With only my boomerang, against all these snowmen?” asked the Australian as he hurled the projectile again.

“Wait…I have an idea!” exclaimed the Brainiac.  I just need to hack into the Snowman’s sound system with my phone!  Buy me time, Moustachio!”

“I’ll do my best,” answered the Australian, with doubt in his voice.  Brainiac was frantically working on his phone, trying to figure out the Snowman’s password.  Harrison stood upon the rock, and threw his boomerang again, taking out three snowmen with a single shot.  It returned to his hand true as ever, but the snowman army kept advancing.

“Please hurry!” he pleaded.  “I can’t hold them off forever!  He must have a whole snowman factory in there!”

“I’m trying!  I cannot crack this password,” said a panicked Brainiac.

“Maybe you’re overthinking it!” advised Moustachio.  “Try something really stupid!”

With that, the Brainiac tried one of the dumbest passwords he could think of:  PASSWORD1.

“I’m in!  Harrison you’re a genius!” cried Brainiac in glee.  He then quickly changed the password, locking out the Snowman.  “Alright…here we go…wish me luck.  Cranking the volume to 10 and hitting play…”

At that, music suddenly poured across the field.  The chyme of beautiful strings and piano filled the entire area.  All the snowmen stopped, as if hypnotized by the music.  And then, the singing began.

“Beth I hear you calling, but I can’t come home right now,” came the voice from the massive sound system.  “Me and the boys are playin’, and we just can’t find the sound…”

Laughing, Harrison jumped off the rock in hysterics.  “Oh, now that’s both hilarious and genius,” he said to the Brainiac.  “Call Snowman back…tell him we have the high ground now.”

Mike dialed, but the Snowman wasn’t answering.  The song looped back to the start.  The snowmen were motionless.  “Beth I hear you calling…” repeated the song.  Taking a deep breath, Mike stood and watched.

“It’s a waiting game now.  How long can he endure ‘Beth’ at that volume?” said Mike to Harrison.

“I give him an hour,” said Moustachio.  “Two hours tops.”

It was far shorter than that.  Within 15 minutes, Snowman emerged from one of his houses, waving a white flag and carrying an 8-track tape in his hands.

“I surrender!  I surrender!  Please turn off that awful ballad!  I can’t take anymore!”  He was trying to cover his ears while waving the flag and holding the tape.  If the situation wasn’t so serious, it would be quite comical.

“Hand over the tape Snowman, and Mike will stop playing ‘Beth’!” ordered Harrison, with boomerang in hand.

“Take it, take it, take it, I don’t even care anymore!” cried the Snowman.  “I never want to hear that terrible song again!”  He handed the tape over to Harrison, and Mike used his phone to stop the music.  It was over.

---

The three sat at a picnic table, drinking sweet tea.  The conflict had ended, and peace had fallen over the clearing.  The snowmen had long since melted in the heat, creating muddy pools of water in the field.  Snowman was deeply sorry for attacking his two friends.

“This is so strange,” said Snowman to the Brainiac.  “The last time you and I sat at this table was the day you died,” he explained.  “But I guess you’re back now?”

“Not exactly,” said Harrison.  “I was lost in the multiverse.  I found a version of Mike who was identical in every way to ours, but he was alone.  I brought him back with me.  We call him Brainiac II to keep things simple.”

“And to quote Gene Simmons, I fit like a glove!” laughed the Brainiac.

“I’m glad we can laugh at this now that it’s over,” said a relieved Snowman.  “Did you ever find Edie Van Heelin’s killer?” he asked.

“Who?” asked a perplexed Brainiac in return.

“Never mind,” said the Snowman.  “All’s well that ends well.”

“That it is,” said Harrison.  “But I think it’s time to open this.”  He placed the wooden box that Max the Axe had given them earlier on tabletop.  “Max said we’d know when it was time to open this, so I think now is the time.”  He used his boomerang to break the latch, and then pushed it across the table to Snowman.  “This is your compensation for the Creatures of the Night tape.”

Snowman gasped.  “What’s in it?”

“We don’t know,” answered the Brainiac.  “Open it and see!”

And so the Snowman did.  Lifting the top of the box, his eyes glowed when he saw what was inside.

“Why…this box is filled with sealed copies of Kiss Animalize on 8-track!” he exclaimed.  “I…can’t thank you enough!  Here, take this one and give it to Mr. Durling.”  He handed over one tape to the Brainiac.  “I am so happy!  And I’m also glad I didn’t kill you.  It would suck to see you die twice.”

The Brainiac laughed and shook the Snowman’s hand.  “I’m glad too.  Now we have to be off.  We have an appointment with Mr. Durling, and he won’t believe it when we bring him both Creatures and Animalize on 8-track.  Thank you for your cooperation, Snowman.”

The three shook hands.  Mike and Harrison began walking towards the jet.

“Wait!!” cried the Snowman.  “Can you unlock my stereo system before you go?”

Mike reached for his phone and laughed.  “There you go – password reset.  But man, you gotta think of better passwords in the future!”

With that, the two climbed on board and soared back to Canada.  The first mission of the new Northern Lights now complete, the boys blasted a CD of Creatures of the Night in the jet as they made their way home.  All was well in the land.

Until next mission, that is!

---

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

• Chapter Zero:  Tee Bone Man – Origins (by LeBrain)
• Chapter One: A Friend in Need (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Two: Hell Freezes Over (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Three: Hell Ain’t A Bad Place to Be (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Four: Tee Bone Man and the Rink of…Doom? (by Aaron KMA)
• Chapter Five: The Super Duper Vault (by John T. Snow)
• Chapter Six: Tee Bone Man Goes to Camp (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Seven:  The Revenge of Common Knowledge (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Eight:  Tee Bone & Deke’s Time Travelling Adventure (by 80sMetalMan)
• Chapter Nine:  Castle Communications (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Ten:  The Case of the Lost Iron Maiden Socks (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Eleven:  A Tee Bone Man Christmas (by all five of us)
• Chapter Twelve:  Lost In Space (by John T. Snow)
• Chapter Thirteen:  Clip Show (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Fourteen:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Discover the Tao (An Intermission) (By Aaron KMA)
• Chapter Fifteen: Status Acoustic – The Really Big Deal (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Sixteen:  A Crazy Crazy Night (part 1) (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Sixteen:  A Crazy Crazy Night (part 2) (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Sixteen:  A Crazy Crazy Night (part 3) (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Seventeen:  Tee Bone Man vs. Edie Van Heelin’ (by LeBrain)

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

• Chapter Eighteen:  Shinzon – Origins (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Nineteen:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes vs. the Lego (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty:  The Death of Edie Van Heelin’ (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty-One:  Fate of the Brainiac (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty-Two:  Enter:  The Durling Foundation (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty-Three:  Tee Bone Man’s NYE Extravaganza!  (By all of us!)
• Chapter Twenty-Four:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Go Back to School Part 1 (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty-Four:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Go Back to School Part 2 (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty-Five (flashback):  Tee Bone and Ripper the Squirrel Return to Camp (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty-Six:  The Final Chapter (by Harrison Kopp)

THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS:  PHASE THREE – THE UNICRON SAGA

• Chapter One:  Creatures of the Night (by LeBrain)

 

SPINOFFS AND SIDE QUESTS

• Noirison:  Chapter One (By Holen)
• Noirison:  Chapter Two (By Holen)
• Noirison:  Chapter Three (By Holen) 2024
• Who’s the Mole in Rock and Roll Heaven? (by 80sMetalMan)
• Shinzon – Dread and the Fugitive Mind (By Harrison Kopp)
• Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures: Chapter 1 – Farao Way From Home (By Harrison Kopp)
• Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures: Chapter 2:  Train of Consequence – Part One (By Harrison Kopp)
• Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures: Chapter 2:  Train of Consequence – Part Two (By Harrison Kopp)
• Snippison and Brainikin’s Excellent Adventure:  Chapter One
• Jen In Space:  Mission One (By LeBrain)
• Deep Black Rainbow:  The Full Concert (By 80sMetalMan)
• Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures:  Tales From The Multiverse Part 1- Man Of A Thousand Blades (by Harrison Kopp)
• Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures:  Tales From The Multiverse Part 2 – Homeward Bound (by Harrison Kopp

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 1:  Edie vs. Tommy Lee in the Bouncy Castle of Doom! (By LeBrain)
• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 2:  Edie and the Quest for the Lost Lego (By LeBrain with Harrison Kopp)
• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 3:  Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation (By LeBrain)
• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 4:  Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation Part 2 (By LeBrain & MarriedandHeels)
• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 5:  Edie Meets the Wolf (by LeBrain)
• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 6:  Edie’s Winter Vacation (By LeBrain & MarriedandHeels)

THE WRITER’S ROOM

• The Writer’s Room:  Chapter One
• The Writer’s Room:  It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like a Tee Bone Man Christmas
• The Writer’s Room:  Welcome to the Writer’s Room!
• The Writer’s Room:  Empty Room
• The Writer’s Room:  Summer Holidays!
• The Writer’s Room:  New Year’s Grieve!
• The Writer’s Room:  Return of the Snowman
• The Writer’s Room:  Snowman’s Gambit
• The Writer’s Room:  Outside the Writer’s Room

by Harrison Kopp

Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures
Tales From The Multiverse

 

Homeward Bound

Brainiac II looked out the window. It had been cloudy earlier, but it had cleared up since. The sun shone low on the horizon, painting a hazy shade of winter across the sky as the final bits of cloud dispersed.

Blast it. He thought to himself. If I don’t hurry up I’m going to miss the sunset.

Ever since the Calamity, nothing has been the same.  Especially sunsets.

“Jen…” he whispered solemnly.  She would have loved these sunsets.

No-one ever found out where the sickness originated.  There were theories, conspiracy and otherwise.  In the beginning, it felt like the flu.  Within weeks, it was on every continent except Antarctica.  There was a race for a vaccine, but as the months wore on, it never materialized as promised.  The death toll rose until, eventually, half the population was decimated.  Then, the virus burned out as quickly as it came.  There hasn’t been a confirmed case in a year.

Sometimes the Brainiac wondered why he lived when everyone else he knew didn’t.  Something in his genes, or just dumb luck.  Or bad luck, he thought.  Sometimes he dreamed that Jen was still here, but just…away.  Away in space, in orbit, or on the moon.  Just out of communication.  He both loved, and hated those dreams.

Back to reality.

He put the last few jars away in the cupboard, making sure everything was in order.

Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme. All as it should be.

He was finally done in the kitchen. The 7 o’clock news was coming over the radio, something or other about the current boxing champion. But Brainiac II didn’t really care at the moment. It was all just voices of old people to him.

He stepped outside into the winter evening. The sunset was beautiful this night. One of the best he had ever seen. It would have looked amazing from above.

He sat on the bench, gazing out over the lake as the sun dipped over the horizon. It was so serene. A squirrel sat in the ground next to him, eating a nut. A sparrow flew overhead, finding a tree to rest for the night.

With the sun fully below the horizon now, Brainiac II decided it was time to go inside, and turned back into the night. And that’s when he noticed something odd. He couldn’t hear anything but the sound of silence.

A too silent night, now that you think about it.

The cool night air touched his skin as he peered out into the forest. The darkness concealed much, but he knew these woods well. It was unlikely someone would have been able to find him here.

But Brainiac II couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off. He listened out, more closely this time. Now, very faintly, he could just make out what sounded like a car’s engine.

That’s odd. he thought to himself. Mrs Robinson’s the only one who still lives nearby, but she doesn’t have a car.

The sound came a little closer, and then stopped. Brainiac II crouched down, peering out into the gloom. And he didn’t have to wait long to find out who it was.

Out of the brush stepped a most peculiar man. A long-haired man with a moustache. Brainiac II froze cold. He recognised this man. He was older here, but this was the man from his dream. The man who killed him.

The man who, right now, also saw Brainiac II.

“Hey, are you alright?” he called out to the Canadian in the bushes.

“If you think false sincerity is going to get you the jump on me, you are sorely mistaken,” Brainiac II said, standing up straight.

“Brainiac…?” Moustachio said. “Boy you’re a sight for sore eyes. I’m so relieved to see you.”

“Oh I’ll bet you are. Are you here to finish the job? One half of us wasn’t enough for you?” the Canadian sneered.

“Hey, my name’s Harrison Holden, and you’re my friend the Brainiac,” Moustachio said, trying to remind Brainiac II of a connection the Australian had with the original Brainiac.

“Lies! Deceit! I saw what you did. You may have aged, but I recognise you, plain as day.”

“I don’t know what you think you saw, but I’ve been gone for almost a year. And I would never hurt you,” the Australian man said, holding a hand out for the Canadian.

Maybe it was the soft-spoken nature of the Australian, or the way in which he seemed to genuinely believe the words he was saying. Or maybe it was just Brainiac II wanting to believe the words were true. The Canadian cautiously clasped the Australian’s hand in a handshake.

“So tell me, why did you think I was going to attack you?” Moustachio quizzed him.

“Well, last night I had the strangest dream. And I’m not entirely sure that it was just a dream. I saw a man…he looked just like you, except for the moustache. And he was a little younger too. He killed me. I think he knew me before that, too.”

“Well, I wouldn’t say ‘killed’ just yet,” rang out a voice from the darkness. “But it is on my to-do list for the day.”

The two men instantly snapped into action, back-to-back and scouring the darkness with their eyes. Neither could pinpoint the source of the voice yet.

“And what a treat to finally get the chance to end my ‘father’s’ life too,” the voice continued, seemingly coming from all around.

Moustachio pulled his new space-metal boomerang from his holster.

“Don’t count on it.”

“Oh, I love it when they try to fight back,” gloated Shinzon, the evil clone of El Moustachio, as he sauntered out from the darkness. He ignited an emerald green lightsaber, and dropped into a fighting stance. Moustachio positioned himself between Shinzon and Brainiac II.

The two opponents circled one another, occasionally feinting or lunging in an attempt to draw the other into committing to an attack.

Eventually Moustachio thought he saw an opening, and threw his boomerang.  Shinzon just reacted in time, raising his lightsaber to knock the thrown metal blade into the ground beside him.

Shinzon charged at the now-defenceless Moustachio, but the Australian had expected this. Moustachio had run forward too, meeting Shinzon before the latter man had fully readied his blade for an attack. Taking advantage of the momentum, Moustachio slid forward, knocking Shinzon’s legs out from under him.

Shinzon got to his feet, now in a slight panic, and looked around for his opponent. But instead he spotted Brainiac II right nearby him. A cruel smile crossed his lips.

“This was the very lightsaber the original Brainiac tried to kill me with. How poetic, it will be the weapon to kill you. It almost rhymes.”

And he swung his lightsaber down at Brainiac II.

Moustachio had blocked the slash with his boomerang, holding back the might of his dark reflection. Sparks flew from where the two weapons met, but Moustachio held firm. The forgemaster was right – his weapon would not fail him.

Mustering all his strength, he pushed back, and Shinzon was sent staggering backward. Moustachio cast a quick glance to Brainiac II to make sure he was alright, in which time Shinzon had recovered and brought his blade back up to guard.

“Hahaha!” the clone cackled. “Is that really all you’ve got?”

But before either of the two men could continue the fight, the ground in front of them shattered with an ear-splitting crack. The two faced each other, both somewhat unsure how to proceed.

Then a deep voice bellowed out from seemingly nowhere.

“YOU CANNOT HIDE ANYMORE! YOUR DOOM IS AT HAND, WORM!”

Shinzon frantically looked around the night sky, terrified. Moustachio spied this and pressed the man for information.

“What is this? I know you know!”

Shinzon turned to him, the colour drained from his face and not even caring that they were fighting just seconds ago.

“Unicron. He’s found me.”

A chill ran down Moustachio and Brainiac II’s spines. They both recognised that name, and they both knew the incredible destructive potential. And then they saw it. Right there in the night sky, taking up almost their entire view.

A large chunk of the Earth broke away from the crust and flew upwards towards the giant mouth in the sky. A small town could be seen on the rock. It had to be home to ten thousand people, maybe more. All gone now.

Brainiac II was in shock, still trying to comprehend the reality that Unicron was real. Moustachio turned back to face Shinzon. Despite the fact that the man across the chasm had just tried to kill them, Moustachio still thought he deserved better than to be devoured by the god of chaos.

“What about you? Can you even escape this planet?””

“Don’t worry about me. I think I know somewhere they can’t find me,” Shinzon yelled over the abyss before disappearing into the darkness. Moustachio turned to Brainiac II.

“Come on, we have to be quick. My car’s not far from here”, he said, breaking into a run.

“Your car?” Brainiac II asked, more than a little quizzically.

“It’s no ordinary car,” Moustachio replied.

With Moustachio guiding them both as he retraced his steps, they found the car before it could be swallowed up by the crumbling earth below. They both jumped in, not even bothering with seat belts, and Moustachio floored it.

The ground began to crack under them, racing along with the car. Fissures of lava spurted out of brand new “potholes” in the ground. Moustachio weaved around them, all the while continuing to increase his speed.

An orange explosion engulfed the car. Moustachio closed his eyes, daring not to look. After a few seconds of engine noise, he slowly opened them.

“Whew.”

Everything was quiet. Around the car was a serene Canadian countryside. No lava, no fire, no giant demonic planet in the sky. To his left Brainiac II was breathing heavily, trying to comprehend what he had just witnessed.

“What is this? A time machine?” the older man finally asked.

“No, even better,” Moustachio replied. “A vehicle for traversing the multiverse.”

“The multiverse?” Brainiac II queried, hardly believing his ears.

“Yep, the times, they are a-changing. But for now they’re going to be a bit more familiar. I think this is it this time. I think I’ve finally made it home.”

“Home…” Brainiac II echoed.

“Yours too now, I think. We used to be old friends. I hope one day I can call you that again”, Moustachio said. “We’ll head to the cottage tomorrow, but for now, let’s find a place to stay for the rest of the night.”

EPILOGUE:  Two months later…

Though Moustachio ached for Australia, he hadn’t minded being away from home in Canada.  It was summer in Canada, while back home it was winter, and Canadian summers were not so bad.

He recalled the night they arrived here, at the Brainiac’s cottage.  It was dusk, but the wooden structure in the trees was exactly how he imagined it.

There was a car in the driveway.  There was a light on inside.  Moustachio and Brainiac II exited the Interceptor and slammed the doors.  This caused a great commotion inside, since company was not expected.  You can imagine the waterworks on the faces of Jen, and Mike’s family, when they saw the living and breathing Brainiac II before them.  They lost their Brainiac a year prior, killed by Shinzon…and their Mike was an identical person to Brainiac II, who had lost his own family.  Everyone was there, even Ripper the Squirrel.  He leapt upon Moustachio’s shoulders and kissed his face, unable to believe that his Australian friend had returned after so long.

After the emotional and teary reunion, Moustachio knew they had to get back to business.  A phone call to Tee Bone Man, whom they discovered had retired after seemingly defeating Shinzon and losing his powers, revealed that there was now a new team of superheroes:  the Northern Lights!  And with the help of their sponsor and de facto leader, Mr. Durling, Moustachio and Brainiac II established a new headquarters.  You couldn’t have asked for a better one than the cottage in the woods.

“I could get used to this,” said Moustachio, surveying all the new equipment they had at hand, feet up in the most serene of surroundings.

“It’s no so bad, huh?” agreed Brainiac II.  “I think I’m finally happy.”

“That’s good to hear,” responded Moustachio.  “Would you mind switching on that screen?  I want to scan for threats, now that Mr. Durling has provided all this new top-secret tech.”

“You got it,” smiled the Brainiac.  “But Unicron aside, you haven’t told me much about what we are up against.”

“Oh, you wait and see!” grinned the Australian.  “We have adventures ahead that will rock your socks off.  Get ready, Brainiac – we’re just getting started!”

TO BE CONTINUED NEXT MONTH in THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS Chapter One! 

---

---

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

• Chapter Zero:  Tee Bone Man – Origins (by LeBrain)
• Chapter One: A Friend in Need (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Two: Hell Freezes Over (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Three: Hell Ain’t A Bad Place to Be (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Four: Tee Bone Man and the Rink of…Doom? (by Aaron KMA)
• Chapter Five: The Super Duper Vault (by John T. Snow)
• Chapter Six: Tee Bone Man Goes to Camp (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Seven:  The Revenge of Common Knowledge (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Eight:  Tee Bone & Deke’s Time Travelling Adventure (by 80sMetalMan)
• Chapter Nine:  Castle Communications (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Ten:  The Case of the Lost Iron Maiden Socks (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Eleven:  A Tee Bone Man Christmas (by all five of us)
• Chapter Twelve:  Lost In Space (by John T. Snow)
• Chapter Thirteen:  Clip Show (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Fourteen:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Discover the Tao (An Intermission) (By Aaron KMA)
• Chapter Fifteen: Status Acoustic – The Really Big Deal (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Sixteen:  A Crazy Crazy Night (part 1) (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Sixteen:  A Crazy Crazy Night (part 2) (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Sixteen:  A Crazy Crazy Night (part 3) (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Seventeen:  Tee Bone Man vs. Edie Van Heelin’ (by LeBrain)

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

• Chapter Eighteen:  Shinzon – Origins (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Nineteen:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes vs. the Lego (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty:  The Death of Edie Van Heelin’ (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty-One:  Fate of the Brainiac (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty-Two:  Enter:  The Durling Foundation (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty-Three:  Tee Bone Man’s NYE Extravaganza!  (By all of us!)
• Chapter Twenty-Four:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Go Back to School Part 1 (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty-Four:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Go Back to School Part 2 (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty-Five (flashback):  Tee Bone and Ripper the Squirrel Return to Camp (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty-Six:  The Final Chapter (by Harrison Kopp)

THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS:  PHASE THREE – THE UNICRON SAGA

• Chapter One:  Creatures of the Night (by LeBrain)

 

SPINOFFS AND SIDE QUESTS

• Noirison:  Chapter One (By Holen)
• Noirison:  Chapter Two (By Holen)
• Noirison:  Chapter Three (By Holen) 2024
• Who’s the Mole in Rock and Roll Heaven? (by 80sMetalMan)
• Shinzon – Dread and the Fugitive Mind (By Harrison Kopp)
• Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures: Chapter 1 – Farao Way From Home (By Harrison Kopp)
• Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures: Chapter 2:  Train of Consequence – Part One (By Harrison Kopp)
• Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures: Chapter 2:  Train of Consequence – Part Two (By Harrison Kopp)
• Snippison and Brainikin’s Excellent Adventure:  Chapter One
• Jen In Space:  Mission One (By LeBrain)
• Deep Black Rainbow:  The Full Concert (By 80sMetalMan)
• Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures:  Tales From The Multiverse Part 1- Man Of A Thousand Blades (by Harrison Kopp)
• Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures:  Tales From The Multiverse Part 2 – Homeward Bound (by Harrison Kopp

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 1:  Edie vs. Tommy Lee in the Bouncy Castle of Doom! (By LeBrain)
• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 2:  Edie and the Quest for the Lost Lego (By LeBrain with Harrison Kopp)
• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 3:  Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation (By LeBrain)
• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 4:  Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation Part 2 (By LeBrain & MarriedandHeels)
• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 5:  Edie Meets the Wolf (by LeBrain)
• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 6:  Edie’s Winter Vacation (By LeBrain & MarriedandHeels)

THE WRITER’S ROOM

• The Writer’s Room:  Chapter One
• The Writer’s Room:  It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like a Tee Bone Man Christmas
• The Writer’s Room:  Welcome to the Writer’s Room!
• The Writer’s Room:  Empty Room
• The Writer’s Room:  Summer Holidays!
• The Writer’s Room:  New Year’s Grieve!
• The Writer’s Room:  Return of the Snowman
• The Writer’s Room:  Snowman’s Gambit
• The Writer’s Room:  Outside the Writer’s Room