Fiction

The Creatures of the Night: The Adventures of the Northern Lights

THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS – Phase 3 – The Unicron Saga

Chapter One:  The Creatures of the Night

Starring: 

  • Mike the Brainiac
  • Harrison El Moustachio
  • Mr. Durling
  • The Snowman
  • Max the Axe
  • Ripper the Squirrel

Kincardine, Ontario.  Summer.

Moustachio was hard at work.  He had an important job before him.  Tim Durling, CEO of the Durling Foundation, had tasked him with an almost impossible quest:  finding a copy of Creatures of the Night on 8-track tape.  Harrison remembered the conversation well.

“What’s weird is, I’ve only ever seen one variant of it, the US Mercury retail.  There have to be others,” said Mr. Durling.

“You want me to hunt for a Kiss 8-track tape?  Don’t we have any villains to quash?  Perhaps a dark artefact of evil to prevent from falling into the wrong hands?”

“Nope,” answered Durling.  “It’s been pretty quiet out there.  Even your mad clone Shinzon, who we now know survived the final battle with Tee Bone Man, seems to be lost in the multiverse with no way to get to us.  So, this is my top priority at the moment.  I have the Jexciter and the Night Ranger searching Eastern Canada, to no avail.”

“If I find one,” asked Moustachio, “What should I pay for it?”

“In order to know that, I would have to actually see one for sale, which I have not,” answered Durling.

“Ah, an easy task then,” answered Moustachio.  “I’ll get the Brainiac on it, and we’ll begin our search.  I take it we have your stealth jet at our disposal?”

“It is parked at the Kincardine airport right now.  Off you go!” ordered Durling.

That was the conversation.  The only issue now was waking a snoring Brainiac.  Moustachio could hear him, over the crashing waves, all the way down at the beach.

“Always sleeping, that one,” complained Harrison as he put on some shoes and started walking.  “I wonder if the original Brainiac snored this loud?”

From a window, Jennifer (aka Mrs. Brainiac) answered.  “The original Michael was even worse!” she laughed.  Harrison was stone-faced.  He was not amused by the constant snoring, day or night.  It had to stop or he’d never get any sleep himself.  This new Brainiac, whom he rescued from a universe where he was all alone, was almost identical in every way to the original, killed by the evil Shinzon long ago.  He looked the same.  He talked the same.  He was a perfect copy in almost every quality, but two.  One, he was alive.  Two, apparently he didn’t snore as much.  They informally called him “Brainiac II” but for all intents and purposes, he was the Brainiac.  He fit into our universe as if the original never died.  As if he only went away for a little while.

“Hey Harrison,” said Jen.  “Come back here a minute.”

Dutifully, Harrison returned to the front porch.  “Yes ma’am?” he bowed.  From a tree high above, Ripper the Squirrel descended, and perched upon his shoulder.  “Squee squee?” asked Ripper as he joined his old friend.

“Keep an eye on Mike for me,” she cautioned.  “It was fun for me to fly around in space last year, but I’d rather keep him around this time.  Don’t let anything happen to him,” she instructed.  Ripper nodded in understanding.  He was learning English at a rapid rate, though none of the humans had really mastered squirellese yet.

Harrison saluted in return.  Then, Ripper also saluted upon his shoulder.  “Fear not, this is an easy mission.  A fun mission.  No harm will come to the Brainiac this time, I promise.  Meanwhile, I’ll leave Ripper here to mind the camp with you.”  Ripper squee’d in delight, for he knew that Jen stuffed him full of peanuts if he was good.  Moustachio turned and left the pair to conspire.  He made his way down to the beach.  It was a beautiful day, with a light breeze and small waves crashing against the stones.

“Mike!” shouted Moustachio as he approached the beach.  “Time to wake up!  We have a mission.”  He saw a still lump of a human being on the bench ahead, unmoving except the heaving of his body as he snored.  Moustachio covered his ears and hovered over the Brainiac.  He was unshaven and sunburned.

“Mike!” shouted Harrison from two feet away.  The Brainiac did not stir.  Moustachio poked his exposed belly with a stick, and suddenly he started awake!

“WOAH!” shouted Brainiac in sudden shock.  “Oh…Harrison!  What’s up matey?”  He attempted to do an Australian accent.  “Here to put another shrimp on the barbie?”

“I told you to stop talking like that,” complained Harrison.  “Now come back up to the camp.  We have a mission.  From Mr. Durling.  You’ll like this one.”

“And I told you, stop calling it camp!  Our headquarters is a cottage, not a camp.  We are not Northern Ontario savages.  We have our own dialect!”

“Noted,” responded Moustachio.  “Now get your Crocs on and get back to the cottage.  My understanding is the stealth jet is fueled and waiting for us at the airport.”

“Aye-aye, captain!” saluted the Brainiac as he leaped to his feet.  “What’s the mission?”

With a sly wink, Moustachio told him.  “You and I are going to hunt for an 8-track copy of Creatures of the Night.”

The Brainiac’s jaw dropped.  “No way…that thing is pure legend.  I’ve never seen a copy, only pictures.  But I have a pretty good idea where to start.”

“Where’s that?” asked the Moustache Man inquisitively.

Mike winked.  “To the jet!  We have to head back to Kitchener, and Max the Axe’s garage sale.  Allons-y!”

The black jet cut silently through the clouds.  Stealthy as a bat at night, the jet attracted no eyes as Moustachio and the Brainiac soared.  The sky was a bright, vivid blue, dotted by puffs of white clouds and a gleaming yellow sun.  In the pilot’s seat was the Brainiac, while Moustachio sat behind, monitoring the radar and communications.

“How about a little music?” asked the Brainiac of his friend.

“‘Flight of Icarus’ seems appropriate, without the crashing of course!” answered the moustached Australian.

“Cheerio!” exclaimed the Brainiac.  The opening chords crunched in the earphones.

“Flyyyy…on your way!  Like an eagle…fly as high, as the sun!” sang Mike as he pulled back on the controls, causing the jet to climb sunward.  He did a fancy maneuver, testing the responses of this new stealth jet.

“Wait a minute…” gasped Moustachio.  “Mike, we are not alone here!  I have four bogies on an intercept vector!”

“Time to dive!” replied Mike, as the jet lurched groundward.  “What do you see?”

“They’re small…four tiny blips on our radar.  Too small to be manned.  Must be UAV’s, unmanned aerial vehicles!  They’re diving too!”

Mike pondered this information as he attempted evasive moves.  The jet suddenly shot off to the west, towards the coast of Lake Huron.  “I got this…besides, I know a few maneuvers, we’ll lose ’em,” he said calmly.

“We’re not losing them!” answered Moustachio.

“What the?!” exclaimed Mike as one of them fired a shot!

“This tape must be hotter than I thought,” he Mike with concern.  “Try to hold them off, angle the deflector shield while I make the calculations to hit the afterburners!”

“Shields up, captain!” answered Harrison in the back.  “Get us out of here!”

Mike hit the afterburners, and suddenly the jet leaped skyward.  He and Harrison were pressed back into their seats as the jet continued to climb.   “Flying is for droids…” mumbled Mike.

Harrison fought the G-forces as he struggled to see the radar screen.  When his vision returned, the radar screen bore good news. “That did it!  We are clear!  Kill the afterburners!”  Mike hit the the controls, and the jet began to level out.

“Whew…that was close!” said Mike as he wiped the sweat from his brow.  “But who could be after us?  Who is trying to stop us for getting that tape?  And why?”

Harrison thought a minute, but did have one suspicion that he wasn’t yet ready to share.  “I have a feeling we will find out,” he said.  “But we must be on the right track if they are trying to stop us.”  Mike grimly agreed with his Australian co-pilot.

“Then let’s continue with our mission, with our guard up.  Once we land, I suggest we do not leave this jet unarmed,” he warned.  The two were uncharacteristically quiet the rest of the trip.

“Woah!” blurted out a bleary-eyed Max the Axe.  “A jet!”

Indeed, the black stealth jet was making a vertical landing right in front of Max the Axe’s garage sale.  A big sign saying “Trillion Dollar Treats” hung overhead.  Max shielded his eyes from the blast as the jet softly landed.  He watched as two figures exited the cockpit.

“Mike!  Harrison!  Good to see you guys!  What are ya lookin’ for?  I just got in a brand new Sony CD player that can hold 100 CDs at a time.”

“No thanks Maxie,” answered Mike, shaking his hand.  “We’re after something else.  We’re on a quest.”

Max shook Harrison’s hand.  “Where are you off to?” he asked.

“We don’t know where we’re going, we just know where we’ve been,” answered Harrison cryptically.

“Searching in the darkness, running from the day?” asked Max.

“Exactly,” answered Harrison, pointing at Mike.  “This one seemed to be averse to daylight, he’s always napping!”  The three laughed.

“What we are hunting for,” said Mike, deflecting the jokes, “is a very rare copy of Creatures of the Night on 8 track tape.  The Kiss album.”

“I had one here last week,” answered Max nonchalantly.  He started to dig through his piles of tapes.  “It must be around here somewhere.”  He dug more frantically, tossing audio equipment here and there, trying to get to the bottom of a pile.

“Well, Max?” asked Harrison.  Max ignored him and mumbled something about how he knew exactly where it was.

Mike leaned over to whisper to Harrison.  “I have a feeling this is a dead end after all.”  Harrison nodded in sullen agreement.

Finally, Max emerged from a pile of broken speakers, empty handed.

“It’s been stolen!” said Max.  “I know exactly where I put it, and it’s gone.  I’ve been robbed!”

Mike and Harrison looked at each other knowingly.  The thief had to be the same person who sent those UAV’s after them.  It could not be a coincidence.

“Max, you won’t believe this, but…” said Mike before he was cut off by the sound of a large blast.

“Take cover!” cried Moustachio as he wielded his boomerang.  “We’re under attack!  Again!”

From around the corner came four…snowmen?  Each one carried a blaster and they were approaching very slowly.  After all, Snowmen don’t have legs.

“Oh, man…” said Mike, ducking with his head in his hands.  He brandished a new, red lightsaber T-guard and ignited it.  It crackled with wild, uncontrolled energy.  “There’s only one man dumb enough to send a snowman army after us in the middle of summer.”

Harrison nodded.  “I think I know who.  Come on, this shouldn’t be too hard.”

As they approached closer, Moustachio and the Brainiac could see there were actually three snowmen, and one snowwoman.

“She’s a killer!  A stone-cold killer!” exclaimed one snowman, as the snowwoman aimed her blaster at Moustachio.  He threw his boomerang, deflecting the shot.  It returned to his waiting hand, and he launched it again.  This time it claimed one of the snowpeople’s heads.

“Danger! Danger!” cried the snowwoman, as Mike bisected it.

“Of all the tapes we needed, we had to seek the one that set the Snowman off!” shouted Mike.

“Well too late…we can’t stop this thing we started,” answered Harrison.

“Just don’t get reckless!” instructed Mike.  He leaped into the air, did a somersault, and landed right between the last two snowmen.  They took aim at him.  Leaping once again, Mike was out of the way when the two snowmen took each other out with their own shots.

With the sound of a flash, Mike turned off his lightsaber.  Harrison holstered his boomerang.  Max had somehow fallen on the ground after all the excitement.  The pair went over to pick him up.

“Easy Max,” said Moustachio.  “You’ve had a busy day.”

“That was crazy,” answered Max as he lurched to his feet.  “I’ve never heard of living snowmen before,” he said as he wiped dirt from his jeans.

“We have,” said Harrison.  “And I know where we must go next.  But we will need help.”

“Here…take this,” said Max, handing him a large box.  “This has been in storage since 1984.  You’ll have to break the latch off the box to open it.  But don’t open it until it’s time.”

“What’s in it and how will we know when it’s time?” asked Mike.

“Trust me,” answered Max.  “I’m kind of a big deal.  Did you guys need some smoke detectors?  I have six over here, still sealed in package.  A great deal.  I’ll give you all six for $20.”

“No thanks Maxie,” answered Brainiac.  “But keep your radio on, just in case we need you.  We know who stole your tape, and we’re going to steal it back.  Mr. Durling needs it, and he will assure that you are adequately compensated.”

“Ask that Durling guy if he needs any Marillion,” answered Max.

“He doesn’t!” replied Mike and Harrison in unison.

The stealth jet was now in American airspace, heading for its ultimate destination:  North Carolina.  The Snowman’s compound.  The Snowman was an eccentric collector, and member of the Northern Lights, whose Kiss collection boasted a copy of the Super Duper Vault, so large he had to build another house to store it.  He was known for his rather useless army of snowmen.  And now, our two heroes were on their way to a confrontation that neither of them wanted to have.

“I don’t understand something,” said Harrison from the back seat.  “The Snowman is one of us, he is a chartered member of the Northern Lights.  Why would he be working against us?”

“The answer, my dear Australian friend, is simple,” answered Mike in the pilot’s seat.  “With Kiss collectors it’s every man and snowman for himself!  Creatures of the Night is a holy grail tape, so rare that even Mr. Durling has never seen a copy in the flesh.  Snowman is one of the world’s foremost Kiss collectors.  It’s almost expected that he would crank up his war machine to steal that tape from Max.  He will stop at nothing to have a complete collection.”

“Makes sense I suppose, but the idea of going to war against our friend makes me mildly uncomfortable,” said Moustachio.

“I agree with you there,” lamented Mike.  “I think we can do this without anyone getting hurt.  We just need to steal that tape back.  It rightfully belongs to Max the Axe, and Mr. Durling will pay Max whatever it costs to get the tape, but one thing for sure is that it doesn’t belong to Snowman.  He stole it, plain and simple.  He can’t keep it, and we’re going to make sure of that.”  Some sweat broke on his brow, and he felt tense in his stomach.  “I just hope it doesn’t come to violence.”

Moustachio glanced at his radar and saw that they were close.  No enemy bogies were approaching.  “All clear on the radar,” he said.

Mike had a chill up his spine as he circled a clearing near the Snowman’s two houses, perfect for a landing.  What was that chill?  The air on his arms was standing up.

“Harrison…I feel cold…did something bad happen in this place?” asked Mike with foreboding.

Moustachio had kept this information to himself, but it was finally time to tell the Brainiac what happened.

“Yes.  I had hoped you would not have to know this, but according to Tee Bone Man and Superdekes, this is where you died.  Rather, where Brainiac I died, in our universe.  And he was killed by my own clone, Shinzon.  But I assure you, nothing like that will happen this time,” comforted Moustachio.

“So this is where your Brainiac was killed,” said Mike with grim darkness in his voice.  “I don’t want to know any more.”

“Let’s put it behind us then,” said Moustachio.  “I see a good place to land, right there by that stand of trees ahead.  It’s far enough from the houses that we won’t seem like an immediate threat.  Maybe we can talk our way out of this.”

“I thought you said you could talk our way out of this!” complained Mike the Brainiac as he dodged laser fire behind a rock.  “You call this a diplomatic solution?”

“No!” shouted Harrison from behind another rock.  “I call this aggressive negotiations!”  He hurled his boomerang, and it struck true, decapitating an advancing snowman.

When the two had landed, they approached the two houses slowly with open hands.  Harrison stashed his boomerang in his belt with no intention of using it, but then dozens of snowmen forced him to change his mind!  They were now in the thick of it.

“How come I always end up hiding behind a rock?” muttered Harrison.

“At least you have me for company.  Now what?!” asked Brainiac in frustration.  “Hang on!  My phone is ringing!”  Mike stopped to answer his phone.  Unsurprisingly, it was the Snowman on the line.

“You guys better get out of here now!” warned the Snowman.  “I know what you’re here for, and it’s mine!”

“Snowman, it’s Mike…you remember me don’t you?  That tape doesn’t belong to you.  We know you stole it from Max the Axe and we’re here to get it back.”

“Of course I know you Mike…I cradled you in my arms as I watched you die!  And I don’t care where you came from or how you got here but that tape is mine!  I must have the precious.”  Snowman hung up.

“So much for negotiations, aggressive or otherwise!” shouted Mike to Harrison.  “We’re going to have to take it by force.”

“With only my boomerang, against all these snowmen?” asked the Australian as he hurled the projectile again.

“Wait…I have an idea!” exclaimed the Brainiac.  I just need to hack into the Snowman’s sound system with my phone!  Buy me time, Moustachio!”

“I’ll do my best,” answered the Australian, with doubt in his voice.  Brainiac was frantically working on his phone, trying to figure out the Snowman’s password.  Harrison stood upon the rock, and threw his boomerang again, taking out three snowmen with a single shot.  It returned to his hand true as ever, but the snowman army kept advancing.

“Please hurry!” he pleaded.  “I can’t hold them off forever!  He must have a whole snowman factory in there!”

“I’m trying!  I cannot crack this password,” said a panicked Brainiac.

“Maybe you’re overthinking it!” advised Moustachio.  “Try something really stupid!”

With that, the Brainiac tried one of the dumbest passwords he could think of:  PASSWORD1.

“I’m in!  Harrison you’re a genius!” cried Brainiac in glee.  He then quickly changed the password, locking out the Snowman.  “Alright…here we go…wish me luck.  Cranking the volume to 10 and hitting play…”

At that, music suddenly poured across the field.  The chyme of beautiful strings and piano filled the entire area.  All the snowmen stopped, as if hypnotized by the music.  And then, the singing began.

“Beth I hear you calling, but I can’t come home right now,” came the voice from the massive sound system.  “Me and the boys are playin’, and we just can’t find the sound…”

Laughing, Harrison jumped off the rock in hysterics.  “Oh, now that’s both hilarious and genius,” he said to the Brainiac.  “Call Snowman back…tell him we have the high ground now.”

Mike dialed, but the Snowman wasn’t answering.  The song looped back to the start.  The snowmen were motionless.  “Beth I hear you calling…” repeated the song.  Taking a deep breath, Mike stood and watched.

“It’s a waiting game now.  How long can he endure ‘Beth’ at that volume?” said Mike to Harrison.

“I give him an hour,” said Moustachio.  “Two hours tops.”

It was far shorter than that.  Within 15 minutes, Snowman emerged from one of his houses, waving a white flag and carrying an 8-track tape in his hands.

“I surrender!  I surrender!  Please turn off that awful ballad!  I can’t take anymore!”  He was trying to cover his ears while waving the flag and holding the tape.  If the situation wasn’t so serious, it would be quite comical.

“Hand over the tape Snowman, and Mike will stop playing ‘Beth’!” ordered Harrison, with boomerang in hand.

“Take it, take it, take it, I don’t even care anymore!” cried the Snowman.  “I never want to hear that terrible song again!”  He handed the tape over to Harrison, and Mike used his phone to stop the music.  It was over.

The three sat at a picnic table, drinking sweet tea.  The conflict had ended, and peace had fallen over the clearing.  The snowmen had long since melted in the heat, creating muddy pools of water in the field.  Snowman was deeply sorry for attacking his two friends.

“This is so strange,” said Snowman to the Brainiac.  “The last time you and I sat at this table was the day you died,” he explained.  “But I guess you’re back now?”

“Not exactly,” said Harrison.  “I was lost in the multiverse.  I found a version of Mike who was identical in every way to ours, but he was alone.  I brought him back with me.  We call him Brainiac II to keep things simple.”

“And to quote Gene Simmons, I fit like a glove!” laughed the Brainiac.

“I’m glad we can laugh at this now that it’s over,” said a relieved Snowman.  “Did you ever find Edie Van Heelin’s killer?” he asked.

“Who?” asked a perplexed Brainiac in return.

“Never mind,” said the Snowman.  “All’s well that ends well.”

“That it is,” said Harrison.  “But I think it’s time to open this.”  He placed the wooden box that Max the Axe had given them earlier on tabletop.  “Max said we’d know when it was time to open this, so I think now is the time.”  He used his boomerang to break the latch, and then pushed it across the table to Snowman.  “This is your compensation for the Creatures of the Night tape.”

Snowman gasped.  “What’s in it?”

“We don’t know,” answered the Brainiac.  “Open it and see!”

And so the Snowman did.  Lifting the top of the box, his eyes glowed when he saw what was inside.

“Why…this box is filled with sealed copies of Kiss Animalize on 8-track!” he exclaimed.  “I…can’t thank you enough!  Here, take this one and give it to Mr. Durling.”  He handed over one tape to the Brainiac.  “I am so happy!  And I’m also glad I didn’t kill you.  It would suck to see you die twice.”

The Brainiac laughed and shook the Snowman’s hand.  “I’m glad too.  Now we have to be off.  We have an appointment with Mr. Durling, and he won’t believe it when we bring him both Creatures and Animalize on 8-track.  Thank you for your cooperation, Snowman.”

The three shook hands.  Mike and Harrison began walking towards the jet.

“Wait!!” cried the Snowman.  “Can you unlock my stereo system before you go?”

Mike reached for his phone and laughed.  “There you go – password reset.  But man, you gotta think of better passwords in the future!”

With that, the two climbed on board and soared back to Canada.  The first mission of the new Northern Lights now complete, the boys blasted a CD of Creatures of the Night in the jet as they made their way home.  All was well in the land.

Until next mission, that is!

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS:  PHASE THREE – THE UNICRON SAGA

  • Chapter One:  Creatures of the Night (by LeBrain)

 

SPINOFFS AND SIDE QUESTS

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures: Tales From The Multiverse Chapter 4: Homeward Bound by Harrison Kopp

by Harrison Kopp

Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures
Tales From The Multiverse

 

Homeward Bound

Brainiac II looked out the window. It had been cloudy earlier, but it had cleared up since. The sun shone low on the horizon, painting a hazy shade of winter across the sky as the final bits of cloud dispersed.

Blast it. He thought to himself. If I don’t hurry up I’m going to miss the sunset.

Ever since the Calamity, nothing has been the same.  Especially sunsets.

“Jen…” he whispered solemnly.  She would have loved these sunsets.

No-one ever found out where the sickness originated.  There were theories, conspiracy and otherwise.  In the beginning, it felt like the flu.  Within weeks, it was on every continent except Antarctica.  There was a race for a vaccine, but as the months wore on, it never materialized as promised.  The death toll rose until, eventually, half the population was decimated.  Then, the virus burned out as quickly as it came.  There hasn’t been a confirmed case in a year.

Sometimes the Brainiac wondered why he lived when everyone else he knew didn’t.  Something in his genes, or just dumb luck.  Or bad luck, he thought.  Sometimes he dreamed that Jen was still here, but just…away.  Away in space, in orbit, or on the moon.  Just out of communication.  He both loved, and hated those dreams.

Back to reality.

He put the last few jars away in the cupboard, making sure everything was in order.

Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme. All as it should be.

He was finally done in the kitchen. The 7 o’clock news was coming over the radio, something or other about the current boxing champion. But Brainiac II didn’t really care at the moment. It was all just voices of old people to him.

He stepped outside into the winter evening. The sunset was beautiful this night. One of the best he had ever seen. It would have looked amazing from above.

He sat on the bench, gazing out over the lake as the sun dipped over the horizon. It was so serene. A squirrel sat in the ground next to him, eating a nut. A sparrow flew overhead, finding a tree to rest for the night.

With the sun fully below the horizon now, Brainiac II decided it was time to go inside, and turned back into the night. And that’s when he noticed something odd. He couldn’t hear anything but the sound of silence.

A too silent night, now that you think about it.

The cool night air touched his skin as he peered out into the forest. The darkness concealed much, but he knew these woods well. It was unlikely someone would have been able to find him here.

But Brainiac II couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off. He listened out, more closely this time. Now, very faintly, he could just make out what sounded like a car’s engine.

That’s odd. he thought to himself. Mrs Robinson’s the only one who still lives nearby, but she doesn’t have a car.

The sound came a little closer, and then stopped. Brainiac II crouched down, peering out into the gloom. And he didn’t have to wait long to find out who it was.

Out of the brush stepped a most peculiar man. A long-haired man with a moustache. Brainiac II froze cold. He recognised this man. He was older here, but this was the man from his dream. The man who killed him.

The man who, right now, also saw Brainiac II.

“Hey, are you alright?” he called out to the Canadian in the bushes.

“If you think false sincerity is going to get you the jump on me, you are sorely mistaken,” Brainiac II said, standing up straight.

“Brainiac…?” Moustachio said. “Boy you’re a sight for sore eyes. I’m so relieved to see you.”

“Oh I’ll bet you are. Are you here to finish the job? One half of us wasn’t enough for you?” the Canadian sneered.

“Hey, my name’s Harrison Holden, and you’re my friend the Brainiac,” Moustachio said, trying to remind Brainiac II of a connection the Australian had with the original Brainiac.

“Lies! Deceit! I saw what you did. You may have aged, but I recognise you, plain as day.”

“I don’t know what you think you saw, but I’ve been gone for almost a year. And I would never hurt you,” the Australian man said, holding a hand out for the Canadian.

Maybe it was the soft-spoken nature of the Australian, or the way in which he seemed to genuinely believe the words he was saying. Or maybe it was just Brainiac II wanting to believe the words were true. The Canadian cautiously clasped the Australian’s hand in a handshake.

“So tell me, why did you think I was going to attack you?” Moustachio quizzed him.

“Well, last night I had the strangest dream. And I’m not entirely sure that it was just a dream. I saw a man…he looked just like you, except for the moustache. And he was a little younger too. He killed me. I think he knew me before that, too.”

“Well, I wouldn’t say ‘killed’ just yet,” rang out a voice from the darkness. “But it is on my to-do list for the day.”

The two men instantly snapped into action, back-to-back and scouring the darkness with their eyes. Neither could pinpoint the source of the voice yet.

“And what a treat to finally get the chance to end my ‘father’s’ life too,” the voice continued, seemingly coming from all around.

Moustachio pulled his new space-metal boomerang from his holster.

“Don’t count on it.”

“Oh, I love it when they try to fight back,” gloated Shinzon, the evil clone of El Moustachio, as he sauntered out from the darkness. He ignited an emerald green lightsaber, and dropped into a fighting stance. Moustachio positioned himself between Shinzon and Brainiac II.

The two opponents circled one another, occasionally feinting or lunging in an attempt to draw the other into committing to an attack.

Eventually Moustachio thought he saw an opening, and threw his boomerang.  Shinzon just reacted in time, raising his lightsaber to knock the thrown metal blade into the ground beside him.

Shinzon charged at the now-defenceless Moustachio, but the Australian had expected this. Moustachio had run forward too, meeting Shinzon before the latter man had fully readied his blade for an attack. Taking advantage of the momentum, Moustachio slid forward, knocking Shinzon’s legs out from under him.

Shinzon got to his feet, now in a slight panic, and looked around for his opponent. But instead he spotted Brainiac II right nearby him. A cruel smile crossed his lips.

“This was the very lightsaber the original Brainiac tried to kill me with. How poetic, it will be the weapon to kill you. It almost rhymes.”

And he swung his lightsaber down at Brainiac II.

Moustachio had blocked the slash with his boomerang, holding back the might of his dark reflection. Sparks flew from where the two weapons met, but Moustachio held firm. The forgemaster was right – his weapon would not fail him.

Mustering all his strength, he pushed back, and Shinzon was sent staggering backward. Moustachio cast a quick glance to Brainiac II to make sure he was alright, in which time Shinzon had recovered and brought his blade back up to guard.

“Hahaha!” the clone cackled. “Is that really all you’ve got?”

But before either of the two men could continue the fight, the ground in front of them shattered with an ear-splitting crack. The two faced each other, both somewhat unsure how to proceed.

Then a deep voice bellowed out from seemingly nowhere.

“YOU CANNOT HIDE ANYMORE! YOUR DOOM IS AT HAND, WORM!”

Shinzon frantically looked around the night sky, terrified. Moustachio spied this and pressed the man for information.

“What is this? I know you know!”

Shinzon turned to him, the colour drained from his face and not even caring that they were fighting just seconds ago.

“Unicron. He’s found me.”

A chill ran down Moustachio and Brainiac II’s spines. They both recognised that name, and they both knew the incredible destructive potential. And then they saw it. Right there in the night sky, taking up almost their entire view.

A large chunk of the Earth broke away from the crust and flew upwards towards the giant mouth in the sky. A small town could be seen on the rock. It had to be home to ten thousand people, maybe more. All gone now.

Brainiac II was in shock, still trying to comprehend the reality that Unicron was real. Moustachio turned back to face Shinzon. Despite the fact that the man across the chasm had just tried to kill them, Moustachio still thought he deserved better than to be devoured by the god of chaos.

“What about you? Can you even escape this planet?””

“Don’t worry about me. I think I know somewhere they can’t find me,” Shinzon yelled over the abyss before disappearing into the darkness. Moustachio turned to Brainiac II.

“Come on, we have to be quick. My car’s not far from here”, he said, breaking into a run.

“Your car?” Brainiac II asked, more than a little quizzically.

“It’s no ordinary car,” Moustachio replied.

With Moustachio guiding them both as he retraced his steps, they found the car before it could be swallowed up by the crumbling earth below. They both jumped in, not even bothering with seat belts, and Moustachio floored it.

The ground began to crack under them, racing along with the car. Fissures of lava spurted out of brand new “potholes” in the ground. Moustachio weaved around them, all the while continuing to increase his speed.

An orange explosion engulfed the car. Moustachio closed his eyes, daring not to look. After a few seconds of engine noise, he slowly opened them.

“Whew.”

Everything was quiet. Around the car was a serene Canadian countryside. No lava, no fire, no giant demonic planet in the sky. To his left Brainiac II was breathing heavily, trying to comprehend what he had just witnessed.

“What is this? A time machine?” the older man finally asked.

“No, even better,” Moustachio replied. “A vehicle for traversing the multiverse.”

“The multiverse?” Brainiac II queried, hardly believing his ears.

“Yep, the times, they are a-changing. But for now they’re going to be a bit more familiar. I think this is it this time. I think I’ve finally made it home.”

“Home…” Brainiac II echoed.

“Yours too now, I think. We used to be old friends. I hope one day I can call you that again”, Moustachio said. “We’ll head to the cottage tomorrow, but for now, let’s find a place to stay for the rest of the night.”

EPILOGUE:  Two months later…

Though Moustachio ached for Australia, he hadn’t minded being away from home in Canada.  It was summer in Canada, while back home it was winter, and Canadian summers were not so bad.

He recalled the night they arrived here, at the Brainiac’s cottage.  It was dusk, but the wooden structure in the trees was exactly how he imagined it.

There was a car in the driveway.  There was a light on inside.  Moustachio and Brainiac II exited the Interceptor and slammed the doors.  This caused a great commotion inside, since company was not expected.  You can imagine the waterworks on the faces of Jen, and Mike’s family, when they saw the living and breathing Brainiac II before them.  They lost their Brainiac a year prior, killed by Shinzon…and their Mike was an identical person to Brainiac II, who had lost his own family.  Everyone was there, even Ripper the Squirrel.  He leapt upon Moustachio’s shoulders and kissed his face, unable to believe that his Australian friend had returned after so long.

After the emotional and teary reunion, Moustachio knew they had to get back to business.  A phone call to Tee Bone Man, whom they discovered had retired after seemingly defeating Shinzon and losing his powers, revealed that there was now a new team of superheroes:  the Northern Lights!  And with the help of their sponsor and de facto leader, Mr. Durling, Moustachio and Brainiac II established a new headquarters.  You couldn’t have asked for a better one than the cottage in the woods.

“I could get used to this,” said Moustachio, surveying all the new equipment they had at hand, feet up in the most serene of surroundings.

“It’s no so bad, huh?” agreed Brainiac II.  “I think I’m finally happy.”

“That’s good to hear,” responded Moustachio.  “Would you mind switching on that screen?  I want to scan for threats, now that Mr. Durling has provided all this new top-secret tech.”

“You got it,” smiled the Brainiac.  “But Unicron aside, you haven’t told me much about what we are up against.”

“Oh, you wait and see!” grinned the Australian.  “We have adventures ahead that will rock your socks off.  Get ready, Brainiac – we’re just getting started!”

TO BE CONTINUED NEXT MONTH in THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS Chapter One! 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS:  PHASE THREE – THE UNICRON SAGA

  • Chapter One:  Creatures of the Night (by LeBrain)

 

SPINOFFS AND SIDE QUESTS

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures: Tales From The Multiverse Chapter 3 by Harrison Kopp

by Harrison Kopp

Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures
Tales From The Multivers Chapter 3

 

Part 1 – Man Of A Thousand Blades

Sunset Town

The 21st century

An hour before it’s dark

 

Sweat was pouring off El Moustachio’s brow. The heat of the furnace was intense. The temperature needed to melt this metal of interstellar origin was unimaginable. The master of the forge, an aging individual with a black beard and more lines on his face than most had years lived, watched over the proceedings.

“If you forge it properly, it will be harder and sharper than any other metal you will find. But fail in your technique and it will fail you when you will need it most.”

Moustachio was concentrating intently. The skill required was beyond anything he had trained for in the past. And that included the mandatory boomerang training he had taken in school back when he was a kid.

Finishing his efforts, he set the blade to cool. That afternoon, the pair returned, and the forgemaster inspected the Australian’s handiwork.

Moustachio had crafted a new boomerang. It was still moustache-shaped, but this time it was a little different. His previous boomerang had had the grips on each end and the blade in the middle, but this one reversed it. He could still throw it with ease, but now, with the blades on the ends, he could also wield it in close quarters as one would a double-bladed knife. Easily the superior weapon of the two.

The forgemaster turned it over in his hand, running his eye along the cutting edge.

“Never have I seen so flawless a blade in all my years teaching,” the master said.

“Thank you,” said Moustachio.

“And never before have I seen so many attempts.” The older man continued, gesturing to the many discarded semi-completed blades (Moustachio had been here only 80 days, but had spent most of them in the forge).  “You have learned well with each try, and your determination and drive for perfection is beyond that of any of my previous students. This blade will not fail you.”

And so the time came for Moustachio to move on in his travels through the multiverse. He bid his master farewell and gunned the engine of the V8 interceptor, roaring off into the great unknown with his new weapon.

 

 

Part 2- Tennessee Bones & The Temple Of Doom Metal

 

South America

1995

 

Tennessee Bones strode purposefully through the South American jungles, occasionally pausing to hack at some vines blocking his path. Behind him walked El Moustachio, enjoying the clear path the former man had created. The two men were here trying to locate a hidden temple dedicated to Doom Metal.

It was rumoured to contain many artefacts of the musical genre, some of which had essentially become ‘extinct’ in the music collector’s scene in the rest of the world. But so too had the temple and its treasures been lost. The two men were following a tattered map. While they both had their doubts as to its veracity, they were both willing to give it a try.

Abruptly, Tennessee came to a standstill. Under the brim of his fedora hat his eyes studied the dense vegetation in front of him. Then, without a word, he stalked forward and made three direct cuts to a specific part of foliage.

The plants melted away to reveal a hole in a rocky wall. From inside the faint sound of wind could be heard.

“Looks like it’s through here,” he called back to his Australian companion.

The two men carefully ventured forth. There was no telling what traps had been laid to protect the precious musical artefacts inside.

 

 

After a short time, with more than a few close calls, they happened across a large circular chamber, with pedestals lining the outer wall. A mass of candles lit the room, and atop each pedestal sat a vinyl record or compact disc (as well as a few other, more obscure, music formats). The two men knew they were in business.

Tennessee could hardly contain himself, bounding forward with such enthusiasm that if there had been any traps in the room he would have gleefully sprung them without the chance to react.

“The superintendent will be thrilled with these finds. The museum will be having a new exhibit alright. We might even need to build a new wing to house it all. I won’t be able to bring this all back with me in one trip.”

The Canadian ran from pedestal to pedestal, gawking at sights once thought completely lost to mankind.

Moustachio homed in on one in particular:  Black Sabbath’s 1970 debut album. There was an entire shrine dedicated to it at the back of the room, with copies of the album on every possible format. Even 8-track! Moustachio wasn’t even sure if it came on 8-Track back in his home universe.

The plaque below the display described the album as the forebearer of the genre.

It seems some things do remain consistent across the universes, Moustachio thought to himself.

Tennessee had no use for it. It was, after all, widely available, unlike some of the other rare finds in the room. Moustachio happily helped himself to the cassette edition of the album. Why that one in particular, I hear you ask?

Well part of the process of transferring universes using the V8 Interceptor required the driver to be listening to pure rock music. Where before he would have to tune into the radio and get lucky, now he could play it on demand.

(Is Black Sabbath strictly rock music? Well, heavy metal founders this, riffmaster that yadda yadda. They still count as rock music in my book. I’m pretty sure they described themselves as hard rock music back in the day. Motorhead would always introduce themselves as rock and roll too. And besides, these are just labels record companies give bands to market them to people who liked similar bands. Iron Maiden aren’t heavy metal, or hard rock or progressive metal- their Iron Maiden! Listen to whatever you want to, and don’t let anyone tell you you can’t enjoy Ghost because “they’re not heavy metal”).

Anyway, sorry about that. Back to the story. The two men parted ways, happy to have spent the time together in company, but both with their own paths to tread. Tennessee Bones still had numerous treasures to uncover, and Moustachio once again set out into the infinite multiverse searching for a way home.

 

Part 3 – A World Without Heroes

Earth-88

1942

 The throaty crackle of a powerful V8 engine shattered the stillness of the Egyptian desert morning. Its dawn chorus was echoed by the quieter, but rougher, sound of a diesel truck engine.

Racing through sand roads was Moustachio’s V8 Interceptor, now with a modification to the rear to fit one large fuel tank and another large tank with an assortment of compartments for various liquids. Being out on the road in the multiverse often took him away from oil and coolant for extended periods of time.

Fleeing the black car was a Mercedes-Benz LG3000. The workhorse truck had had a head start, but Moustachio had quickly closed the distance. The Australian pulled a revolver from his door-well and fired at the truck’s rear. This did not escape the notice of its occupants, and out from inside the truck swung a stony-faced German in black armour.

He effortlessly climbed to the roof of the truck and fearlessly turned to face the source of the bullets.

Moustachio fired again. Three shots. With almost impossible reflexes, the unusual German Soldier raised his shield, blocking them all. Upon his shield was a familiar 3-point star insignia.

The German was not content to merely soak up ballistics, however, and promptly hurled his shield directly at the V8 Interceptor’s windscreen.

Moustachio swerved to avoid the flying shield, nearly taking out a wandering camel. The shield, meanwhile, bounced off the ground at a peculiar angle, before ricocheting off a rock wall and returning to its owner’s arm.

Suddenly Moustachio knew exactly who this was. And he wasn’t thrilled at the idea of having to take on Captain America. Well, more like his German variant. Kapitan Deutschland, probably.

They were approaching the outskirts of Cairo now. This chase could get infinitely more dangerous if it continued. Bullets sprayed the air next to his car, and he flicked his eyes to the mirrors. A couple of German pursuit cars had caught up to him.

Crud, Moustachio thought to himself.

Atop the truck Kapitan Deutschland readied his shield for another throw. Behind him the vehicular gunners adjusted their aim. Between the two of them, one would hit their target.

With a heavy heart, Moustachio had to withdraw from this chase.

Regretfully he gunned the engine and disappeared into another universe seconds before his position was riddled with gunfire. He hated to leave the cargo in the hands of the Germans, let alone give them free reign on the rest of this world, but he had no choice.

One day I’ll come back he thought to himself as he disappeared in a fiery-orange flash.

Part 5 – A Selection Of Items That Can Be Found In The Interceptor’s Back Seat

 

The Cross Factour Live

As you could imagine, in the multiverse you could often find alternate versions of history. In the music world this meant a wealth of albums you could only dream of back home. Moustachio had bought a few of them along with him. For his friend Tee Bone Man there was the rest of the Van Halen discography with David Lee Roth on vocals. For the Brainiac there was Kiss’s Creatures of the Night album, but with Eddie Van Halen playing guitar instead of Ace Frehley. He’d also taken the 8-track copy of Black Sabbath, for good measure. There could be some weird people out there who collected formats that they couldn’t even play.

For himself, Moustachio had a couple of interesting finds. He had grabbed a neat 7” single from Thin Lizzy for the song “Reelin’ in the Years”. He knew this as a Steely Dan song in his home universe, but routinely called it the best Thin Lizzy song they never wrote. He was thrilled to have a version with Phil Lynott singing, and the sizzling dual-guitars.

But the best find for him was the live album from Iron Maiden’s ’95 – ’96 tour, with Tony Martin on vocals. Moustachio loved Blaze Bayley, but he also always wanted to hear what it would have sounded like if Tony Martin replaced Bruce Dickinson in 1994.

 

A Dual IPA Beer

This was a genius one. Someone had invented a bottle with two distinct segments, one taking up the top half of the bottle and the other the bottom half. There was a one-way valve in that divider that allowed liquid from the bottom to enter the top, but not the other way around.

This bottle was filled with two different IPA beers – one in each half. As the drinker drank, the top liquid would be replaced with liquid from the bottom half, ensuring that every single mouthful tasted different. A truly revolutionary concept.

This would, however, upon reaching the halfway point, also make it look like the remaining liquid was levitating.

 

Kylo Ren’s Lightsaber

On Kef Bir, Moustachio had bartered with a fisherman for the lightsabre Kylo Ren had thrown into the sea when he turned back to the light side. It wasn’t functioning anymore, as the water had thoroughly soaked the insides, but Moustachio was sure his friends back home could get it working again.

 

 

Part 45– Colourful Dossier

Earth-1340

 

This was a weird one. El Moustachio had found himself in a universe where everything appeared to be made out of some form of plastic building block. It took a lot of getting used to. Not being able to scratch one’s own back was certainly a bummer, but he came to appreciate the simplicity of the world in a lot of aspects.

It didn’t take him long to find a group of like-minded heroes. The League of Extraordinary Minifigures, as they had named themselves, were more than willing to accept Moustachio’s assistance in their endeavours. And while he would embark on several adventures with this team, he ultimately decided to move on and seek his home universe once again.

 

Now these are, of course, only a small selection of El Moustachio’s exploits in the multiverse. The true extent of his adventures stretched over several months and are too numerous to give form to in this level of detail. But we will give you a taste of the next full-length adventure in this series in the coming paragraphs.

 

Part 6 – A Savage Circle

A World Not Too Dissimilar To Our Own

Wednesday Morning, 3AM

 

With an uncontrollable scream, the Brainiac lifted his lightsaber in the air with both hands, ready to strike the killing blow.  “Time to die, clone!”  He swung the blade down…

…And was met with the sharp end of a Vibranium boomerang embedded in his chest.  In his mad rage, he could not see that Shinzon was still armed, with the deadly boomerang in his right hand.  Shinzon grinned wide as he shoved it deep.

“Time to die indeed!” he cried in victory, as the Brainiac collapsed on the ground.

Barely able to speak, Brainiac sputtered blood from his mouth and fell to his knees as his vision blurred.

He awoke with a start. Not the same Brainiac that was killed by Shinzon, though. This one lived in a different universe (and we shall refer to him as Brainiac II henceforth, to avoid confusion). He was soaked in sweat and breathing heavily. He couldn’t believe the nightmare he just had. It was a nightmare right? It felt so visceral and real.

He lay back down in his bed and tried not to think about it. Life had been crap enough recently, without adding thoughts of his imminent death to it.

But it was at this very moment that his life was about to change for the better, as elsewhere in the Bruce County, one El Moustachio and his V8 Interceptor burst into this universe in a burst of golden-brown flame.

 

 

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS:  PHASE THREE – THE UNICRON SAGA

  • Chapter One:  A New Beginning

 

SPINOFFS AND SIDE QUESTS

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

The Adventures of Tee Bone Man: The Final Chapter (by Harrison Kopp)

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN
PHASE TWO: THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

Chapter Twenty-Six: The Final Chapter

By Harrison Kopp

Shinzon, the renegade clone of El Moustachio, was having a bit of an existential crisis. Again. Since escaping Marshall Lokjaw and choosing Hawaii to lay low, he had found life to be quite uneventful.  And it was kind of bothering him.

As he walked back to his volcanic lair underneath Diamond Head, after yet another day working in a grocery store, he took a few moments to reflect on his existence now.

Is this really living? Just existing without purpose, spending all your time surviving? Do people just do this every day until they die?

Since killing the Brainiac and fulfilling his number one goal in his short life, he’d been without direction. He was only hiding here out of necessity, as Tyranus had put a very large bounty on his head, and he was going a little stir crazy.

There were admittedly some benefits to the peaceful life. It was less stressful, allowing him to slow down focus on the smaller things. Each day gave him unique reasons to smile. In theory. He just wished people would stop asking about his hook hand. It was a souvenir from his battle with the Brainiac, but he sure as hell wasn’t going to be telling anyone that.

And there would be no smiling at the moment, for Shinzon’s ruminations were cut short when he stubbed his toe on something.

“Ow!” he cried, frantically looking around to see if anyone had heard him. It seemed not. He looked down to see a piece of metal sticking out of the ground.  It glinted in the sun, one corner freshly cleaned from a recent rain storm.  The rain must have unearthed it…whatever it is, thought Shinzon.

Reaching down, Shinzon pulled hard. It took a fair amount of force to dislodge it from its earthy prison, but he managed. He turned it over in his hand and examined it. It looked like it had been there for an incredibly long time. The dirt was caked into every crevice. Curiously though, the metal was pristine underneath. And it smelled of alcohol.

This could be worth further study he thought to himself, putting it in his backpack. He continued his ascent, once again allowing himself to become lost in thought regarding his future plans.

Finally making it up the mountainside to the entrance to the lair, he pressed the concealed button and entered the hatchway. After putting the supplies he’d bought in the “fridge” (actually the air conditioning unit from the Quadjumper), he placed the strange device on the workbench and went to sleep. It could wait until tomorrow.

However, unbeknownst to Shinzon, and the rest of the residents on Hawaii, things were about to get a lot more exciting the next day, because as they slept on this warm night, a flying saucer of Martian origin touched down in the forest outside the town. Out from it emerged three aliens, who quickly disappeared into the night.

 

The following morning, inside Deke’s Palace, Tee Bone Man and Superdekes were up bright and early and hard at work looking over everything they knew about Shinzon. It wasn’t much. To them, he was a Lego thief who had disappeared during an earlier adventure. The next they heard of him, he had inexplicably reappeared to murder the Brainiac.  This particular incident would lead to a vengeful Dr. K (Brainiac’s sister) confronting our heroes and demanding they end Shinzon for his part in her brother’s death. And she meant business.

But at the very least, they had confirmed that Shinzon was on Earth. That meant that it was just a matter of finding him. Tee Bone was currently scouring the internet for any mentions of his name that weren’t Star Trek related (not easy), and Deke was reading the findings from the other members of the Northern Lights.

The ring of the doorbell disrupted their workflow. Deke answered it to find the local mailman out of breath.

“*Huff*… *huff* Someone *huff* wanted this to get to you,” he said, handing Deke a mostly flat package. The tell-tale sign of a record.

“Thank you,” Deke said, taking the record. “There’s a water fountain on the grounds about 30 metres that way.”

The mailman let out an appreciative exhale as Deke closed the door and began to unbox the package. Sure enough it was the album he’d expected, on Thalarian green coloured vinyl at that.

This particular record wasn’t easy to come by. The KMA eastern offices had pulled double time with their grail list searchers to find it. But they had come through, and Deke now held in his hands a copy of the only vinyl edition of Jerry Goldsmith’s Star Trek: Nemesis score. It was the film that Shinzon’s creator had taken the pleasure of sourcing the clone’s name.

Deke returned to the theatre room (they were using the bigger screen to better scour security camera footage) and put side A of the soundtrack on, before going back to work. But it wasn’t long before the skipping of the record (harder to discern than usual due to the lack of vocals) got the two heroes’ attention.

“Tee! Danger vibes!” Deke exclaimed. “Just as we’d hoped.”

The skipping of the record was then joined by the ringing of their secure video call line. This could only mean one thing.

 

 

Tee Bone ran over to the computer and answered the call. The video connection was operating, but the camera seemed to have been angled too low, as all our two heroes could see was one very muscly chest.

“Mes amis!” came the voice of who they recognized as Jex Rambo through the stacks of Marshall amplifiers arranged in a 5.1 Surround Sound configuration.

“Jex!” Tee Bone excitedly said. “Great to see you. Want to have that discussion about Done With Mirrors we were planning?”

“I’m afraid I’m calling on official Durling Foundation business this time, Monsieur,” Jex replied. “Last night our long-range sensors detected an unknown object enter the atmosphere and land in Hawaii. The engine emissions match those of the Martian UFO you brought back last year.”

“I knew it was a good idea to let them take a look at that UFO we stole from Mars. Can’t believe Snowman didn’t want to lend it to them,” Deke said, though he was quite puzzled by the strand of dyed blonde hair they’d found on the back seat. Maybe a DNA test would reveal who else had been in the ship, and when.

“We’re sending over some agents to investigate,” Jex continued.  “I think we could use your help on this one.”

Tee Bone cast a glance at Deke. It would seriously derail their search for Shinzon.  They only had 30 days to find him, per their temporary truce with Dr. K, but they’d always help a friend in need. Deke nodded in the affirmative.

“We’re in.”

“Excellent. We’ll be testing out a new stealth jet we’ve been working on so we’ll be find you once we’ve touched down there.”

“It’ll be late by the time we all get there. Get a good night’s rest and we’ll meet up in the morning.”, Jex said as he signed off.

 

“Do you see them?” Deke asked, hoping.

“It’s not easy to spot him in this crowd you know,” Tee Bone replied. “Lots of shirtless tourists.”

But it turns out they didn’t need to find Jex, as he found them first.

“Mes amis!” Jex Rambo shouted from behind them.

The two heroes spun around to see the recognizable abdominal section of Jex Rambo. Handshakes were in order, before Tee Bone sharply cut to business.

“Our previous encounter with Martians indicated they were interested in replacing key members of our society with doubles. But we atomised their leader.” he said

“They must be reporting to someone higher then,” Jex mused. “It will be hard to track them down in this city. We’ll have to split up.”

“Alright.” Deke spoke up. “Why don’t you check on the governor and make sure he’s all accounted for in the past 24 hours. We’ll do a little investigating among the populace.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Jex replied.  “Now, let’s see if we can find these aliens.”  The trio went to work asking around the town and looking for clues.

 

 

Very nearby, Shinzon was engaged in one of the most sacred of domestic rituals: the washing of the laundry. Of course, he had no way to do this in his volcano lair, and so he was currently putting change into the washing machine at town laundromat.

How has my life come to this? He thought to himself. I was destined for greatness.  Although, to be fair, the chances of being murdered in a laundromat are pretty slim. Maybe this isn’t so bad after all.

He pressed the start button and turned around to take a seat and wait.

A little while later he looked up and an icy shot of fear went straight through his heart. Walking right up to the door of the laundromat was none other than Tee Bone Man and Superdekes.

It only took them a minute. The two men had entered and looked around.  Nothing much looked out of the ordinary.  That was, until they got to the washing machine where Shinzon had been sitting mere moments before.

“Hey Tee, come take a look at this,” Deke said, motioning towards the washing machine.

Tee Bone walked over and the two studied the contents of the machine. They didn’t recognise the silver and blue jumpsuit Shinzon usually wore into action, but they did notice it.

“This looks odd, almost alien even,” Deke said. “But what is it doing in one of these machines?”

“Well, it’s almost done. Let’s just wait here and see who comes to collect it,” Tee Bone replied.

Shinzon watched the two men take a seat from inside the wardrobe he was hiding in. This was not good.

But luck was on Shinzon’s side today however, because only a minute before the load was due to finish a great cacophony of sounds caught the attention of the two heroes. From outside came the echoes of screams, car brakes and the smashing of metal.

Tee Bone and Deke immediately sprang into action, running outside to face whatever was out there, which turned out to be just a car crash. However, a superhero is always on call.  They still lent their aid, Tee Bone’s super strength helping remove the twisted metal trapping one of the drivers.  Other than that, there was some damage to the building, but everything appeared to be fine. Most of the people appeared to have panicked and left the scene already, and no one was hurt.

The two men re-entered the laundromat, only to find the machine they had previously been staking out completely empty.

“Blast!” Deke cursed.

Tee Bone radioed Jex.  “Hey Jex, we’re at the laundromat and we think someone with valuable intel just left here. If you’re nearby, keep an eye out for someone carrying a silver and blue jumpsuit.”

“Got it,” crackled Jex’s reply.

 

 

Shinzon’s luck had just ran out.  Having cleared the city limits, he thought he was home-free. He thought wrong. Before him stood three Martians, all blocking his path.  There was only one thing he could do now, but it meant bringing the men he had just escaped right to him.

Pulling a flaregun from his pocket (the closest thing he had to a weapon) he fired directly at the sky and ran for his life up the mountain side.

Meanwhile, the man known only as the Night Ranger, an enforcer for the Durling Foundation, continued to prowl the rooftops. His black cowl concealed his face beneath.  The commotion near the laundromat had not escaped his attention, and he was now listening out for any clues as to what happened. One conversation in particular caught his attention.

“It was like an evil koala or something,” a young woman said. This could be something Night Ranger thought to himself.

But before he could follow this thread further, his attention was immediately drawn to the sound of an explosion from the jungle nearby. He looked over to see a bright red flare burning in the sky.

“Night Ranger, come in!” came Jex’s voice from his radio.

“I see it,” Night Ranger said, already running in that direction, his cape a blur behind him.

“Tee Bone and I are already en route,” Jex continued.

“Understood,” Night Ranger replied, altering the direction he was heading in.

 

Shinzon was tearing up the mountainside as fast as his legs could carry him, but the Martians continued their dogged pursuit. A searing laser blast sizzled past his ear and vaporised a tree in front of him. He was running out of time and luck.

He dared not drop the bag of laundry. If he got out of this he would need the jumpsuit within.

Finally reaching the concealed entrance to his lair, he practically dove headfirst into it through the foliage. Several laser blasts atomised the leaves obscuring the hole. He only had seconds before the Martians were upon him.

He got to his feet and tore through the tunnels towards the Quadjumper’s cave. Twisting and turning through the tunnels, he was sure he’d lost his pursuers. But that was far from the case, he would discover when he entered a large cave room. At the exact moment the Martians and our heroes converged on that very location.

“YOU!” Tee Bone growled.

The enraged superhero struck a violent power chord so hard that he broke two of the strings on his guitar. The sonic wave picked up Shinzon and slammed him violently against the cave wall.

A great rumbling filled the tunnel. Cracks began to appear in the walls, as steaming orange liquid began to ooze out of then.

“Oh shit…” Tee Bone exclaimed with his eyes wide.

Rocks began to fall, separating the three groups from one another.

The way forward was now blocked in this tunnel. From beyond the rubble cave was heard the harsh sound of Martian speech. But the cave network was multi-latticed, and Tee Bone knew there’d be a way through in one of the previous tunnels they’d passed. He began to run, but Deke attempted to grab him.

“We can’t Tee! We have to get out of here!” Deke pleaded.

“No! He’s going to pay for what he did!”

“I know, and he will. But it’s too dangerous. Trust me. We have to go now.”

Tee Bone paused for a second, then nodded.  “Alright.”

The two men turned around and sprinted for the way they came. They retraced their steps back, skipping around pools of magma seeping up and falling from above, like a real-life game of “The Floor is Lava”. They reached the exit with not a moment too soon, as the entire cave behind them flooded.

Without a second’s hesitation, Tee Bone grabbed Deke and flew them back down the mountain to the outskirts of the city. They’d be safe from any lava here, short of a full-on eruption.

 

 

Looking upwards, they could see the Quadjumper in the lower atmosphere, with an alien UFO in hot pursuit. Tee Bone prepared to take off after it, but Jex stopped them.

“Don’t worry, I have a guy on this,” the muscly man said.

And sure enough, Jex made good on his word. Mere moments later a black stealth jet streaked past the trio and blasted towards the upper atmosphere, quickly overtaking the martian UFO.

“Night Ranger!” Jex cried into his radio. “You read me buddy?”

“Loud and clear,” came a mechanically distorted voice “Don’t start thinkin’!  I’m gaining on the fleeing ship.  I can almost see their faces…”

“Shoot him down!” Tee Bone yelled into the radio.

The jet was almost in striking range, but a blinking red light on the console alerted Night Ranger to a problem. A failure in one of the coolant pumps. “Damn!  Can’t find me a thrill…”  He had to abort.

“I’m sorry guys, but there’s been a technical malfunction here.  One of the cooler pumps that goes directly into the Streamyard unit have completely failed.  It’s frozen up.  I have to withdraw,” he radioed down to his friends on the ground.

“No!” Tee Bone yelled.

“Sorry,” Came Night Rangers apologetic voice over the radio.  “It’s a mechanical failure…the tech in this jet is all analog.  I’ll crash if I try to pursue.  Blame Mr. Durling for his obsession with this old 80s stuff.”

The stealth jet disengaged and headed back to the surface, but the alien UFO continued right past it, lasers blazing.  Tee Bone Man responded immediately, and got himself into the air.  “We want Shinzon alive!” he announced, and aimed his guitar carefully for a shot that would disable the engines.  He could fly beneath, and bring it to a safe landing.  Or, less lethal landing anyway.  If his aim was just right….

The UFO also had its sights on Shinzon, and its occupants did not care if he was alive or dead.  They continued to fire laser blasts directly on the Quadjumper.  Several of them found their mark on the Quadjumper’s rear, exploding into green splashes of colour and leaving dark scorch marks.  Helpless to stop it, Tee Bone gasped.  Softly landing, he watched what unfolded next.

In the cockpit, Shinzon was frantically trying to keep his ship moving upwards. As the sparks and steam clouded his vision, he desperately looked around for the fire suppression lever. But it was actually the strange device he had discovered on Earth that drew his attention.

It began to grow warm and vibrate gently. The stench of Scotch filled the cockpit.  Then, an instant later, the Quadjumper was enveloped in a deep gold explosion, and ceased to exist in Tee Bone’s universe.

Tee Bone stared at the sky ahead, viewing the aftermath of the explosion the Quadjumper had disappeared into.

“Good riddance,” he shrugged.  “We can hope.”

 

Later that day, the heroes were meeting up in a local restaurant for lunch before heading back to Canada. The rest of the morning had been pretty uneventful. The aliens had left the Earth after seemingly completing their mission, and our heroes were now enjoying a quiet moment of reflection while eating.

Jex had also taken the time to properly introduce Tee Bone and Deke to the Night Ranger.

“I’ve been here this whole time. Just incognito,“ the masked hero said.  “I have to cover my face in public when buying Bon Jovi records at the local Walmart.”

The group nodded in understanding.

“How come we never saw you then?” Deke quizzed him.

“I’m good at my job,” was the reply.

“Haha. Well you’ll have to teach us your ways sometime,” Deke laughed.

“So what happens now?” Jex asked Tee Bone.

“Well Dr K should be off our backs now.  And our Shinzon problem is solved too,” Tee Bone said. “With a little luck I think we might have a bit of peace and quiet in the coming months.”

“That sounds good to me buddy,” said Deke.  “I could use some R&R – that’s rock and roll!”

Outside the restaurant, the quartet said their goodbyes.

“You take the stealth jet home,” said Tee Bone.  “I feel like flying.”  Tee Bone stretched his arms into the air — and nothing happened.

“Doing some yoga, mon ami?” asked Jex Rambo.

“Hang on,” said Tee.  “Sometimes it takes a little jump to get airborne.”  He jumped, arms outstretched to the sky…and nothing.

“The hell?” asked Deke.  “I mean, I always joked that you can fly and I can’t, but this isn’t funny.  Try strumming some chords.”

Tee Bone removed the Stratocaster from his back and played a chord.  It came out muted, out of tune, and completely unamplified.

“I…can’t fly!” said Tee Bone in distress.  He tried blasting a nearby tree with the power of radioactive Scotch.  He may as well have farted in the wind, for nothing happened.

“I don’t understand what’s happening!” cried Deke.  “Try something else.  Try…up up and away?”

“It’s no use Deke!  I cannot fly!  My powers…they’re gone!”  Night Ranger and Jex Rambo looked on with great concern.

“What happened to Tee Bone Man?” screamed Deke in hysterics.

From above came a voice.  A hollow, echoey voice that was somehow familiar to the two superheroes.

“I believe I  have the answer to that,” came the voice.  Before our group appeared a spectre.  It was the visage of an elderly man, dressed in jeans and a black leather jacket.  The transparent man smiled on at Deke and Tee Bone.

 

 

“Holy shit…” said Night Ranger.  “I recognize that guy…”

“Sacre bleu!  Me too!” exclaimed Jex.

“So do I!” cried Tee Bone.  “If it isn’t William W. Roderick Stewart the Third!”

“In the flesh!” bowed the image of Stewart.  “Well, in the ectoplasm anyway.”

Jex Rambo snickered at the joke.  He was, after all, a Ghostbusters fan.  “So you are a ghost?” asked Jex.

“Indeed I am,” answered Stewart.  “I have been watching from above, in Rock and Roll Heaven, all this time.  But friends…your time is at an end.  Your duties are fulfilled.  Tee Bone’s powers were intrinsically linked to the Scotch Matrix, an object of great power.  It was hidden here in Hawaii all this time, unknown to me.  Now, the character you know as Shinzon has caused it to leave this universe.  Where it has gone, I do not know.  My powers do not extend that far.  But without it in this universe, Tee Bone Man’s Scotch based powers cannot exist.  The Scotch Matrix was a powerful artefact indeed.”

“But we have so much left to do!” said Tee Bone.  “We have to save rock and roll!  You said so yourself!”

“That I did,” answered Stewart.  “And have you not done that?  Many, many times over?  Have you not saved rock and roll from Satan, Tommy Lee, Billy Sheehan, Wicked Lester, and many more?  And now you have saved this universe from Shinzon, and the masters he served — Tyranus, and Unicron, the Eater of Worlds.  He shall not be feasting on Earth this time.”

“What are you saying, old man?  That you don’t need us anymore?  You’re cutting us loose now that Tee Bone is no longer of any use to you?” scolded Deke.

The ghost of Stewart laughed.  “Me?  No, no.  You misunderstand.  Once I left this mortal coil, I was no longer in any control.  I am merely a watcher, an observer now.  However, the universe clearly conspired to create you two in the first place.  The universe knew it was in danger, and so brought you to me, and gave you powers.  What is given can be taken away…and you have done your duty.  You have done more than enough.  And now, you may have your rewards.”

“Rewards?” asked Tee Bone.  “What rewards?”

“Exactly what you wanted!  R&R – rock and roll, plus rest and relaxation.  You can go home now, Tee Bone.  Go home.  Enjoy life, with Deke.  Play music, and never worry about danger vibes again. You may stay in Deke’s Palace forever.  It is yours, to do with as you please.  The next generation is here.  The Durling Foundation, and these two men, Night Ranger and Jex Rambo, are capable of defending the Earth.  They will not be alone.  They have the rest of the Northern Lights at their command!  The King of Sharks will defend the sea.  The Mars Man will be sent to the Red Planet to deal with the Martians.  You have the bank accounts of the Snowman, and the libraries of Mr. Books.  You have Specialist Jen Ladano watching from orbit.  For what it’s worth, Max the Axe is always on standby.  And there may be some old members of the band returning to the fold, if the universe wills it.

“Go, Tee Bone Man and Superdekes.  Now, you are simply Troy and Derek once again.  The world is in good hands.  I have…foreseen it.”

And with that and a sly wink, the spectre disappeared.

“Wait!!  We have so many questions!” exclaimed Deke.  “What is the Scotch Matrix?  Who is Unicron?”  But it was no use.  The ghost of the man who started it all had disappeared, like Obi-Wan Kenobi into the mists.

It took a moment for all this to sink in.

“You know what Deke?  I’m actually relieved,” said Tee Bone.  “I mean, it’s no secret that this job has been hard on my health.  Look at my trips to camp, for example.  I’m…I’m excited about retirement!”

“Actually…me too,” said Deke.  “More time for music,” he reasoned.

The heroes embraced, and went their separate ways.  Home.

 

 

Back in Canada Dr. K, was reviewing the footage sent to her from Deke. The camera feed on the stealth jet had recorded Shinzon’s demise. But her desire for revenge wasn’t satiated yet.  Shinzon couldn’t have been working alone. Tee Bone Man and Superdekes were off the hook, but someone had orchestrated her brother’s death.

And they were going to pay.

Shinzon, meanwhile, was intently holding his breath, and not just because he wasn’t 100% sure the ship was still airtight. All four engines were out and he was drifting Cthulu-knows-where. Life support was barely functional.

Trying the ignition again, he was rewarded as the engines coughed to life. The husk of the starship began to stagger erratically towards the nearest planetoid.  If Shinzon survived the ‘landing’, he was going to be in quite a predicament.

 

The farthest reaches of space

Lord Tyranus would never admit to feeling fear, but that was exactly the emotion that ran through him as he approached the dark patch of space that his terrible master resided in. He’d spoken with him many times before, but this was the first time he was doing it in person. And the first time he was facing him after such monumental a failure.

The gigantic robotic planet took up the entire viewscreen of the Sith Lord’s shuttle, and even though his master was in planet mode, Tyranus could tell he was furious.

The thunderous voice or Unicron burst forth.

“Speak! Have you ended the clone’s existence? Is the Scotch Matrix recovered?”

“N-no master. I arrived too late.” Tyranus spoke, his heart in his throat. “But…”

“There is no ‘but’!” he roared. “No more excuses! Your failures have had terrible and far-reaching consequences. Your inability to capture this loose end has now allowed him to unravel the very tapestry of my designs. You knew the Scotch Matrix was on Earth. You just had to get it. Now it could be anywhere in the grand calculus of the multiverse.”

“I’ll redouble my efforts to find him,” Tyranus squeaked out futilely.

“No, you won’t. I’ll do it myself.”

A deafening roar filled the once-Sith Lord’s ears. His robotic hands crumbled away to dust before his eyes. Then the shuttle began to shake as a loud hum developed. He looked out the viewscreen in horror. Unicron’s rings were lit up a deep glowing orange. The hum began to pulse, reverberating around. Tyranus scrabbled for the shuttle controls futilely, unable to grasp anything with the stumps at the end of his arms.

Then, with an ear-splitting crack, the planet-sized Transformer and shuttle were gone, leaving behind only empty space.

 

Back in the Palace our retired heroes were enjoying their first day of rest. Things had been hectic for the last three years.  The pair were enjoying this moment of slowing down. And it looked like they were going to get it. Everything Stewart said appeared to be true.  Deke’s radioactive Scotch sensors had detected a massive surge from deep within the galaxy, that could only mean one thing. The Durling Foundation’s deep-space satellites corroborated his data.  Unicron, and the Matrix, had left this universe.

For how long, they couldn’t tell. But if he ever returned, the New Northern Lights would be ready.  The Mars Man was now installed on Mars.  Mr. Books had a splendid new library to work from, provided by the Durling Foundation.  Jen was in Space, keeping a close eye on the blue planet below. For a change, all was well.  Even the Sasquatches were laying low this season.  Not a single sighting, all summer.

Deke stood by the turntable, dropping the needle on a record. A few seconds later the opening notes of Van Halen’s “Eruption” blared forth from the speakers. Tee Bone began to get lost in the music. Eddie’s playing was note-perfect.  No danger vibes.  He got up, kicked off his socks, and danced.

This was going to be a great afternoon.

The End…Of This Phase

The tales of Tee Bone Man and Superdekes’ exploits may be finished, but don’t worry. You’ll be seeing more from the multiverse soon. There are plenty of stories still to tell, featuring characters new and old.  Your favourites will be back soon…

The Saga continues…with the Adventures of the Northern Lights!

 

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS:  PHASE THREE – THE UNICRON SAGA

  • Chapter One:  A New Beginning

 

SPINOFFS AND SIDE QUESTS

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

 

 

#1149: Eddie’s Story – The Narrative of Derek Riggs’ Iron Maiden Art

RECORD STORE TALES #1149: Eddie’s Story – The Narrative of Derek Riggs’ Iron Maiden Art

Edward T. Head, better known as “Eddie”, has been Iron Maiden’s mascot since the late 1970s.  He was just a mask then, made by roadie Dave Lights, to hang on the band’s live backdrop.  Why “Eddie”?   Because the mask was essentially just a head, or “‘ead” in British slang.  Therefore:  Eddie the Head!  When Iron Maiden were signed to Capitol Records, manager Rod Smallwood wisely surmised that the band would do well with an identifiable “stamp”…like a mascot.  He contacted artist Derek Riggs, and before too long, Eddie made his painted debut on the cover of Iron Maiden’s 1980 single “Running Free”.

Eddie’s impact cannot be overstated.  He is more recognizable than any single member of the band.  He is seen on T-shirts worn by diehards, casual fans, and even those who have never heard an Iron Maiden song in their lives.  He is ubiquitous.  Needless to say, Rod Smallwood was very wise, and Derek Riggs very talented.  Riggs did the cover art for every Maiden album from 1980 to 1990, and almost every single and EP in the same time frame.

As young impressionable kids growing up in suburban Ontario, we certainly knew who Eddie was.  My friends and I collected not just the albums and singles, but also the buttons.  We were intimately familiar with Eddie, his different outfits, settings, and crimes!  We attempted to draw our own Eddies.  I took a shot at a single cover for “The Duelists”, a favourite song.  It featured Eddie and the Devil fencing at the edge of a cliff.  The Devil was a foe of Eddie’s going back to the “Purgatory” single cover.  Derek Riggs eventually built an extensive mythology for Eddie and associated characters.  He focused on “Easter Eggs”, hiding characters and symbols within the artwork.  Powerslave and Somewhere In Time were chock full of such goodies.  References to the bars Maiden played, the Reaper, and even a TARDIS can be found on those albums.  One of the great pleasures of being an Iron Maiden fan was opening up an album and looking for all the secret images and messages while you played the records.

By 1986, some of us had noticed that the album covers, not including the singles, seemed to a tell a continuing story.  There was a continuity to the cover art, and Eddie in particular, that made us think there was an actual story unfolding with each album release.  This story seemed to run through Derek Riggs’ entire tenure as Iron Maiden’s cover artist, from 1980 to 1990.  While I am certain that this is entirely something made up in our heads, it does seem to hold water.

Let’s have a look at the album covers, and the story they may tell.

IRON MAIDEN -1980

Just an introduction to the character.  Eddie is a street punk, in a loose T-shirt, standing on a London street at night.  Behind him is a lit doorway, and a window with a red light – a reference to “Charlotte the Harlot”.  You can also see two of the streetlamps behind Eddie form an arc, with the moon.  Eddie’s eyes are just black sockets with light behind.  Later artists would change Eddie’s eyes, but Riggs always painted them black with some kind of illumination.  Eddie’s skin appears yellowed and stretched, like that of a mummy.  His hair is pure punk rock.

The story has yet to begin, but Eddie is clearly someone you don’t want to mess with on a London street at night.

KILLERS – 1981

Eddie appears much more refined in this image.  You get a better look at the character, including a belt and blue jeans.  The punk rock hair is gone, though Eddie remains on the streets.  It could be the same neighborhood as the first album.  The black clouds in the sky are similar.  This time, Eddie has a bloody hatchet in hand, while his victim grips his shirt in dying desperation.  Eddie seems to have no mercy.  He even seems to relish killing.  Fitting, for an album called Killers.  Our interpreted story begins here, with a murder.

 THE NUMBER OF THE BEAST – 1982

The plot thickens.  In Riggs’ best album art to date, Eddie appears a giant over a scorched, hellish background.  The rear cover had more of this scenery, indicating we were indeed in hell.  Eddie’s eyes are now lit by flames, matching the ground below.  He also has a fire in his hand, a reference perhaps to Montrose’s “I’ve Got the Fire” which was an earlier B-side.  The most striking feature here though is the appearance of the red Devil himself!  Eddie appears in control, manipulating the evil one with green puppet strings.

This was the first cover that really had us squinting at the details, on our little cassette J-cards.  For if you look closer, you will see Eddie is not in control at all.  Satan himself has his own puppet, and it is Eddie!  Our minds were boggled.  What could this mean?  We began pulling together the threads that seemed to be telling a story.  Derek Riggs had outdone himself, but he was only getting started.

 PIECE OF MIND – 1983

Imprisoned!  Captured, chained in an asylum, and lobotomized to boot!  Now bald, Eddie bore a scar across his head!  He had been cut open like an egg, and this scar would remain for the next several album covers.  Two more details were added:  a stream of blood going down his nose (always his right side), and a metal bracket holding his head together.  The screws in the bracket would always be in the same orientation.

Clearly, Eddie was in trouble.  We saw this as the punishment for his crime of murder.  The Devil came to take his due, and now Eddie is stuck in a cell.  Would he escape?  The next album told us no.

Of course, the real life inspiration for the artwork was the title Piece of Mind.  On the inner sleeve, the band members are preparing to dine upon a brain!  It doesn’t look tasty, and Adrian Smith in particular doesn’t look hungry.  In our childhood fantasy world, the Devil had served up a particularly brutal punishment for our favourite Metal mascot.

 POWERSLAVE – 1984

It appears that Eddie did not survive his brain surgery and imprisonment, for here he was being laid to rest in an ancient Egyptian setting.  In Riggs’ best artwork to date (again), a multitude of Easter eggs were hidden on the front, back and inner sleeves.  The Great Pyramid appears as it once did in antiquity, smooth and topped by a golden capstone.  Eddie’s sarcophagus can be seen, carried up the stairs, to his eternal resting place.

Or was it?

It seems pre-destined that Maiden’s next album would be called Live After Death.  It was really at this point that we started to put together that there was a story unfolding here.  Live After Death, and Eddie was buried on the previous album?  It all made sense!

 LIVE AFTER DEATH – 1985

Now this was an album that simply had to be owned on vinyl.  There was text to be read on the tombstones (“Let It RIP”), and so many Easter eggs on the back cover, including a black cat, the Reaper, and a visible “Edward T. H…” on his tombstone.  For many of us, this was the first indication that Eddie did have a last name!

With a bolt of lightning re-animating the already dead corpse, Eddie was back!  Still wearing his chains from the Piece of Mind album cover, Eddie’s hair had grown back while his T-shirt has seen better days.  Flames can be seen bursting from the ground, hinting at his hellish past.  On the rear cover, a city can be seen, surrounding the pyramid from the last album.  The continuity seemed clear.  The only issue here was that on the prior album, Eddie was laid to rest inside the pyramid.  Here, he is seen bursting out of a normal grave.  It would seem that Eddie’s remains were re-located between albums.  A minor issue easily explained away.

The city on the back cover calls to Eddie!  He was back, and up to his old ways again…

 SOMEWHERE IN TIME – 1986

Riggs outdid himself again, with the Blade Runner inspired Somewhere In Time.  Owning this album on vinyl is simply a must, for there is so much going on.

Still lobotomized, but bearing a new brain of circuitry, Eddie was technologically enhanced.  The blood, scar and bolts holding his head together are still visible despite the modifications.  On his chest, Derek Riggs’ signature emblem can be seen clearly.  It was always hidden somewhere on his albums, but here it was plainly visible.  A poster that reads “EDDIE LIVES” can be seen on the right, with the dying hand of a victim that he has just exterminated.  Back to his old killing ways from the Killers album!  Instead of a blade, Eddie now wields a pair of blasters.  Eddie seems to have arrived in a “Spinner” vehicle, similar to Blade Runner.

The same familiar moon from previous albums blazes behind, but there is so much on the back cover to discover too.  A reaper, red-lighted windows, and the names of things important to Iron Maiden’s lore are present.  As far as our story went, we imagined that Eddie emerged from his tomb centuries in the future.  This time, the Devil would not stop him!  But despite the cybernetic enhancements he underwent, his body was not whole…and soon it would be time to be reborn.

 SEVENTH SON OF A SEVENTH SON – 1988

This is where things got weird.  Really weird.  Not content to keep drawing Eddies with axes through people’s heads, Riggs went abstract on Seventh Son of a Seventh Son.  Eddie was now little more than a torso, with his skull ripped open and aflame!  The scar, bolts and blood are still present (though the blood would be replaced by a mustard-like substance on the single cover for “Can I Play With Madness”).  The remnants of his cybernetic enhancements are still present, with one eye replaced by a robotic one.  He also still has a metal throat.  An apple can be seen within his ribcage, but most striking is the Eddie-infant he’s holding in some kind of embryonic sac!  This sac is attached to his ribcage with an umbilical cord.  An arc of lamps recalls the first album.  A “book of life” is present on the back cover, tying into the album’s concept.  There are also ice statues of past Eddies on the back cover, for a total of seven Eddies.

Look closely and you can see that the surface below is both solid and liquid, and the icebergs do not touch the surface.  In our story, this represented Eddie on another plane, as he gave birth to his successor – a new Eddie.

 NO PRAYER FOR THE DYING – 1990

For the first time, we felt disappointed by an Iron Maiden cover.  Gone were the layers of Easter eggs.  The art felt unfinished, and indeed, Derek Riggs would remake it for a 90s reissue.  The album was sonically a “back to basics” affair for Iron Maiden, with simpler lyrics and shorter, harder songs.  The artwork reflected this, with a simple Eddie just back to killing again.

Reborn, and without scars, bolts or lobotomies, Eddie emerges from a stone coffin.  Because why not?  The undead should surely be reborn in a grave!  Grasping the poor gravekeeper by the throat, Eddie is seconds away from his first killing in his new body!  Looking at his coffin, the name plate is unfinished, with no clever names or puns.  The fragments of the shattered coffin don’t even fit together properly.  The blue and yellow colour scheme definitely links the album to Seventh Son, Live After Death, Powerslave and The Number of the Beast, but there is far less to keep you looking at the cover.

And this is the end of our Eddie story, for Derek Riggs would not do another Maiden cover for years, and by then there was no point in any continuity.  The next time we see Eddie, he has red bug-eyes and is half-tree.

Iron Maiden would continue to produce fascinating album covers in the future, always featuring Eddie in some way.  Notable artists included Mark Wilkinson, Melvyn Grant, and Hugh Syme.  For most fans, the original run of Derek Riggs covers will remain the pinnacle of Maiden artwork, primarily the period of 1981 to 1988.

Did Riggs have a story that he was telling with his covers?  Probably not; he probably just liked keeping Eddie consistent from cover to cover.  He would probably appreciate the fact that a bunch of Canadian kids in the suburbs had interpreted this entire saga from his artwork.  I think he’d like that a lot.

 

 

 

The Adventures of Tee Bone Man: Tee Bone and Ripper the Squirrel Return to Camp

Every super hero needs a vacation!  This story takes place just before Tee Bone Man’s 2023 New Year’s Eve concert, and before his first encounter with the revenge-bound Dr. K.  Cast your minds back to 2023…

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN
PHASE TWO: THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

Chapter Twenty-Five (flashback): Tee Bone and Ripper the Squirrel Return to Camp

It was before dawn at Deke’s Palace when the snow began to fall.   Silently, without making a creak or the sound of a single step, Tee Bone Man made his way out the front door.  Upon his shoulder sat a small black shape, quivering in fur, taking quick shallow breaths of the cold air.  Tee quietly closed the door and locked it behind him.  He stepped towards his car, already warmed up, and unlocked the doors.  The little black shape on his shoulder jumped down onto the passenger seat as he stepped in, revealing himself to be Ripper the Squirrel.

“That’s right buddy, road trip time,” said Tee to the small animal.  He had been getting better at learning how to speak Squirrel.  He had to!  With Moustachio lost in the multiverse and Edie Van Heelin’ gone forever, he and Deke were on their own so to speak.  Sure, they had their friends the Northern Lights by their sides, but they couldn’t speak Squirrel either (although Max the Axe claimed he had a VHS instructional tape).

Ripper squee’d some more from the passenger seat.  While Tee Bone couldn’t understand every squeak and chipper, he could get the jist.

“Road trip time buddy,” he said as he put on his seatbelt.  “We both need a break, I think.  And you get to pick the tunes!”

Ripper made some sounds that Tee Bone interpreted as a question as to their destination.

“It’s a surprise.  You’ll see.  Pick a song!”

Ripper looked at the dash controls.  His little paws began making selections.  Tee Bone watched him go from folder to folder.  He scrolled down the “I” artists, stopping on Iron Maiden.  He then scrolled the albums all the way to the end and picked Virtual IX.  Track one, “Futureal”.

“I knew it.  Blaze Bayley.  You miss Moustachio, don’t you?”  The squirrel nodded yes.

“I get it,” answered Tee with sympathy.  “This weekend we can forget all our problems for a couple days.  You’re going to love it.”

Tee Bone hit the gas and backed down the snowy drive.  The Maiden album blasted forth.

“I’m running out of my time, I’m running out of breath,And now it’s getting so I can’t sleep at night,In the day, feel like death!”

“That’s a little on the nose,” said Tee as they arrived at the road, and made their way north.  “This’ll be a good vacation, this time,” he assured Ripper.

The two settled in as the sun slowly made its way onto the horizon, and sprayed a fan of red across the snowy climbs of rural Thunder Bay.  There was not a single pair of eyes in the world that saw them as they made their way north.

A few hours and one Tim Horton’s stop later, Tee Bone and Ripper had arrived at Camp.  The little squirrel leaped into the snow in utter glee.  This was his original home!

“SQUEE SQUEE!” he declared, as he took his first pee on his home turf in ages.  Tee chuckled, shook his head, and swept the snow off the front porch before unlocking the door.  The door opened with the tinkle of breaking icicles.  He motioned his head.

“Come on buddy!  Yes, you can come in this time!  It’s perfectly safe.”

Like a dart, Ripper ran into the cabin.  Tee Bone and Ripper have returned to Camp!

Suddenly, Ripper stopped on a dime.  He skidded across the wooden floor.  Something was not right.  He sniffed the air.  What was it?  It wasn’t cabbage…it was more pungent.  It was…cheesy.  Like Parmesan…

“What’s wrong, buddy?”  Tee Bone flicked on the lights, only to see the answer before him.

In the big armchair across the main room, he sat.  Sunglasses perched upon his nose in perfect balance.  A Tilly hat, slightly askew, hiding a receding hairline and a long, blonde ponytail.  A teal doubleneck bass, perched next to the armchair.  A smug look.  It could only be one person.

“Common Knowledge…” gasped Tee Bone.  Ripper cowered behind his right leg, quivering slightly at the mention of the unmentionable.

“Good morning, Tee Bone Man.  Would you like some soup?  I’ve waited on a line of greens and blues, Tee Bone.”  The bassist smirked.  “Lock the door behind you.”  He picked up his bass, strummed a note, and the sonic boom actually slammed the door shut.

“What are you doing here, Common Knowledge?” sighed Tee Bone.  “We’re on vacation.”

With a flourish, Common Knowledge removed his sunglasses.

“What am I doing here?” he sneered.

“Yes, that’s what I asked!  What are you doing here?” said an exasperated Tee Bone.  Ripper stomped a paw on the floor to make a point.

“What am I doing here!!?” he returned again, placing the glasses back on his face.

“Are you trying to wind me up?” shouted Tee Bone.

Common Knowledge pulled a crinkled piece of paper from his pocket.  “Do you have full moon fever!?  Read this!”  He handed the paper over.  Cautiously, Tee Bone took it and removed his glasses to read.

“‘Hey, going to Camp for a few days, you are welcome to come, signed Tee Bone Man.'”  Tee Bone paused and scratched his head.   “I sent this email to Deke!” he said.

“And me!” protested Common Knowledge.

“Oh…shit…” confirmed Tee as he squinted at the recipients of the email.  “Man, I gotta take you out of my contacts list.”

He dropped his bag on the floor in surrender.  He looked down at Ripper and whispered a silent apology.

“You can stay in the guest room,” he sighed.  Common Knowledge leaped in glee.

“Hooray!  I just wanted to be with you guys!  You’re always copying me on emails, and then telling me I’m not invited.  It hurts, you know.  I may be a supervillain and I may have tried to kill you once or twice, but I do have feelings you know.”  Behind his sunglasses, his eyes were watery and red from the tears of constant rejection.  Then, he got up from his chair and ran over to hug Tee Bone.  Tee Bone backed up in instant ickiness.

“OK, OK, that’s fine, OK,” as he pushed the bassist off.  “Now go put your bass in the guest room.”

Common Knowledge twinkled in glee as he ran off with bass towards the guest room.

“I am so sorry, dude,” he sighed down to Ripper.  Ripper climbed up his leg and onto his shoulder.  “We’ll make the best of it.  Maybe he’s just lonely, like you.  Maybe Common Knowledge doesn’t really have any friends.”

Ripper shrugged.  Oh well.  They would indeed make the best of it.

Later that day, Tee Bone and Ripper were out in the snow, collecting wood for a fire.  Tee carried a large bundle of logs while Ripper was hustling with some twigs for starting the blaze.  Common Knowledge stood by and watched.

“What do you want me to do?” he called from the sidelines.

“Well, you’re always talking about cooking, right?” shouted Tee.  “Why don’t you start prepping the hot dogs?”

“Hot dogs!?” protested Common Knowledge, his nose all but in the clouds.  “I’m not eating hot dogs!”

“Then feel free to go hunt some lunch for yourself, because we’re having hot dogs.”  Common Knowledge stared on in disbelief.  Tee Bone shrugged.  “Listen, you partake in a batch of Tee Bone’s Gourmet Hot Dogs with us, or you can make like Ted Nugent and go catch a rabbit to eat.  Up to you.”  He continued carrying wood back to the fire spot.  Common Knowledge sighed and started walking off into the woods.

“I’ll be back!” he shouted over his shoulder.  “Keep the fire going!”

“10-4, buddy,” said Tee Bone in return.   He watched Common Knowledge disappear into the trees.  He then whispered to Ripper.  “Whew…I can’t believe that worked!”  Ripper nodded in equivalent disbelief.

“I wasn’t too mean, was I?” asked Tee Bone with a twinge of his conscience.  Ripper shook his head in an emphatic “no”.

“Trust me on these hot dogs, my friend!” he enthused.  “All the fixings, and locally farmed meat.  The best that Thunder Bay has to offer.  I also brought a batch of my signature Tee Bone Man brand chili if you like chili dogs.”  Ripper didn’t know.  He was still adjusting his palette to people-food.  Sounded good though.

The two continued to gather wood for the feast, while Common Knowledge wandered through the dense foliage.

The bassist was dressed all in white, which was fortunate, he reasoned, since it would act as winter camouflage.  The tassels on his platform boots gathered snow as he made deep footprints.  He huffed and he puffed, as the snow got deeper.

“Just like back home in Buffalo!” he gasped as he trudged through.  “No…whew…no problem at all!”  Each step took him deeper until he reached a point where he could go no further.  How do you catch a rabbit anyway?

Common Knowledge turned himself around, and started wandering in another direction.

“Here, rabbit rabbit rabbit!” he called.  His voice was deadened by the snow and trees, with no echo.

Back at Camp, Tee Bone and Ripper had a roaring fire going.  The flames licked the falling snow in a beautiful dance of yin and yang.

“And how is your hot dog, good sir?” asked Tee in a faux-accent, sipping a beer from a wine glass in mock-upper-class beau monde.

Ripper nibbled away at a dog covered in diced tomatoes, caramelized onions, paprika and plain old Heinz ketchup.  He squee’d in delight.

“Excellent sir, cheerio!” cheered Tee Bone.  The two laughed together in camaraderie and shared experience.  Who would have thought these two were once mortal enemies?  In this very spot a couple summers ago, Tee Bone had tried to kill the little creature.  Mind you, Ripper would have had it coming, but even in his crazed state, Tee Bone still had mercy in his heart.  Instead of killing the beast, he launched him in a rocket to Australia.  It was there that Ripper was tamed by the kind Australian superhero known as Moustachio.  And now, Ripper was back home where his adventures all began.  It was like poetry; it rhymed.

Tee Bone smiled to himself at the warm fireside.  Here he was in his happy place, away from the superhero thing, with one of his best friends.  Ripper had turned out to be a blessing.  More than a pet, more than an ally, Ripper had proven himself indispensable in the face of worsening odds.  As their enemies multiplied, Tee Bone needed Ripper at his side more than ever.

Drat, his mind was drifting back to “work”, to the superhero gig.  “Be mindful of the now,” he whispered to himself as he focused on the crackle of the fire.  He took a deeper sip of his beer and felt the warmth in his belly.  Those were some great hot dogs.  The chili was magnificent.  His best batch to date?  Possibly.  His thoughts then drifted to the after-meal tradition:  dessert.  He thought to try something new this time, a French Canadian tradition:  maple taffy.  Pouring maple syrup onto freshly gathered pure white snow was a treat he’d never tried before, but this seemed the perfect day to enjoy a new dessert.

“Too bad Deke isn’t here,” said Tee Bone to Ripper.  “Although him and Common Knowledge, that would be awkward.  Then again…where is that guy?  How long have we been sitting here?”  Ripper shrugged.  Tee Bone observed the shadows the trees made in the snow and reasoned it had been two hours, at least, since they last saw the bassist.  Both Tee and Ripper had excellent hearing — one powered by nuclear Scotch and one by natural ability.  They attuned their ears to the forest around them.

Nothing.

“Think he’s OK?” asked the human of the squirrel.

Ripper sniffed the air but had no answer.

“I’m sure he’s OK.  How much trouble could he get into out there?”

Common Knowledge had gotten himself into a lot of trouble.

Chasing a rabbit through the snow, Common Knowledge hit a patch of ice in clearing.  He skated across the ice in his silly platform boots, the tassels now caked in ice so thick that they tinkled like bells at his feet.  He slipped and skidded, but managed to come to a carefully balanced stop, in the middle of the icy clearing.

“I wonder why there’s so much ice in this clearing?” he wondered aloud.  He observed his surroundings and looked beneath him.  Instead of a pure white surface, he realized he was standing over a frozen pond.

“I’m on the road to ruin!” he bellowed as the ice cracked.  Cautiously and light as he could, he took a single step.  The ice cracked further under his platform heel, but he remained standing.  “OK!  You can do this Billy, you can do this!” he gasped to himself.  “Never say never!  You can do this!”  He took a second step, and a spiderweb of cracks formed immediately under his heel.  He took a deep breath and gathered his balance.  He had slid far over the pond, and safe ground was still several meters away.

“No way out, no alibis, I’ve tried my best, but I don’t understand!” he cried.  The forest answered back in silence.

Third step, and this time the ice cracked like thunder.  The bassist slipped swiftly into the black, ice cold water.  He panicked, and began thrashing in the murk.  His platform boots only hindered him as he floundered.  He gasped for breath as his Tilly hat floated away across the broken surface.  He tried calling for help, but could barely breathe, let alone scream.  “Help!  He…”  He gurgled as he went under.

By the time Tee Bone Man and Ripper had arrived, the bassist was blue in the face and not breathing.  They had hauled his soaking wet body out of the water, and now Tee Bone had to do something he never thought he would ever have to do.  It was not something he wanted to do.  It was duty, and only he could do it.  Ripper did not have the body strength.  He kneeled on the ground, made five compressions on the bassist’s chest…and then began to blow life-saving breaths through the bassist’s wet, cold lips.

Ripper looked away.  “Ew,” he squee’d in Squirrelese.

Common Knowledge sprang back to life in a sudden gasp!

“Tee Bone Man!  You…saved me!”

Tee Bone sat silent a moment and just responded, “…Yep.”

“I…I can’t thank you enough!” cried the bassist, going in for a hug.  Tee Bone backed off.

“Easy there pal, you’re dripping wet, let’s get you back to Camp where you can dry off.”

“Thank you Tee Bone Man…but I’m too weak to walk,” complained the bassist.

“I’ll…I’ll fly you there…just…ugh…here come on, put your arms around me.  Yeah…like that…hold tight.”  Tee Bone Man struggled to keep his hot dogs and beer in his stomach as Common Knowledge grasped his body.  He sighed.  Sometimes it sucked being the good guy.  Ripper had a firm grip on Tee Bone’s shoulders and they were ready to go.  “All right…blast off…” sighed Tee Bone with zero enthusiasm.

Common Knowledge was wearing a pair of Tee Bone’s pants and a jacket that belonged to Superdekes.  He warmed his hands by the fire, savouring every moment of it.  He then grabbed a scoop of maple taffy made with fresh snow and local syrup.

“Thank you for introducing me to this delicious treat, Troy!” he screamed in delight.

“Please…call me Tee Bone Man,” deadpanned the superhero.  Common Knowledge looked a little hurt, but his pain was soothed by cold maple syrup and Canadian snow.

Tee Bone’s phone rang.  He answered.  It was a video call.  From Superdekes.

“Hey pal,” said Tee as he answered.  “What’s up?”

“Hey buddy,” smiled Deke on the other end.  “Just checking in, making sure you guys got settled in at Camp alright.  Looks like you’re having a good time, sorry I got tied up here.”  Deke pointed at a desk full of paperwork behind him.  “Month end, you know.  If you want me to, I could probably be there tomorrow morning…”

Tee Bone cut him off.  “Noooo…no don’t think that’s a good idea, Deke.  Sorry.  Ummm.  Long story, but, umm…”  Tee Bone switched his phone to the front camera.  “…as you can see we have company this weekend.”  Common Knowledge looked up from his maple taffy and waved at the camera.

“Is that…is he…THAT guy of all people…is wearing my favourite Camp jacket?  The one with the hood?”

Common Knowledge flipped the hood up over his head and smiled.  His ponytail hung off to the side as he took another bite of taffy.

“Yeah…no…I’ll pass, thanks Tee Bone.”  Deke shook his head.  “See ya Monday I guess!”

“See you Monday,” sighed Tee Bone as he switched the camera back.  Ripper waved goodbye.

“This is the best vacation ever!” screamed Common Knowledge in the throes of a sugar high.  “I’m never going home!”

“Hooboy,” said Tee Bone Man with his head in his hands.  Ripper mimicked him with his paws.

“That’s a superhero’s life,” he reasoned to the squirrel.  “It’s the price, the price, price, the price you gotta pay.”

Common Knowledge produced an acoustic bass and strummed a note.  “I can’t thank you guys enough.  This is a hit song I had 33 years ago called ‘To Be With You'”.

“Oh no,” moaned Tee Bone Man.  His face sunk sullenly as he poured himself a large glass of Scotch.  “I’m gonna need this,” he said as he served himself a dram.  Common Knowledge strummed and sang at the fire, serenading the pair with his only real hit, as his captive audience wished they could simply suffer in silence.  Tee Bone sipped the Scotch, and eventually drifted off into an afternoon nap, warmed by a fire, friendship, and song.  One song.  Over, and over, and over again.

The end

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

 

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Takeover of Rock Heaven (Part 1) – A Tee Bone Man Multiverse Story (By 80sMetalMan)

Takeover of Rock Heaven

Part 1: The Plan

A Tee Bone Man Multiverse Story

By 80sMetalMan

 

Somewhere in Hell:

Satan walked into the room waiting to address the assembled gathering, when he was distracted by a commotion. His security was  holding back Adolph Hitler and Saddam Hussein, who were demanding to be let into the meeting. Calmly, he walked over to where the commotion was coming from. “Look,” he said sternly, “I said clearly that you two aren’t coming in here.”

“You need us,” Hitler argued.

“No we don’t ,” Satan returned. “This isn’t a military operation, otherwise Julius Caesar would be here. Even it if it was I still wouldn’t have you two in here. You both demonstrated your military incompetence while you were on Earth.”

“But you have Vlad the Impaler here,” Hitler protested.

“He’s here for a different reason,” Satan explained. “Besides, if we have to kill any prisoners, we have your man Werner Poetsche. Now go before I go back to shoving pineapples up both your asses. “

With that, Hitler and Saddam were marched away and the door was closed. Satan let out an exasperated sigh before sitting at the head of the long table. As he sat down, Vlad questioned, “Why is he here?” pointing to Dave Holland.

“Because I should be in Rock Heaven,” Dave snarled back. “I’m only in Hell because of a bollocks conviction. Fucking Elvis used that to not allow me in, damn him.”

“Enough!” Satan boomed, his thunderous voice shaking the room. It achieved its goal in silencing all. “Mr. Holland is here at my request. He will help us in rounding up all the key members of Rock Heaven and he can get some revenge.”

That’s right,” Dave affirmed. “They’re all a bunch of assholes. They wouldn’t let me in but I bet when that woman beater Tony Iommi dies , they’ll let him in.”

Satan sighed again. “They probably will. Some religions look favourably on men hitting women. That’s another reason why I plan to take over and have summoned all of you here. There should be no Rock Heaven, most of those rock stars should be with us here in Hell. You are all going to help plan my takeover. I have had a mole there since 2003 and he’s been feeding me information whenever he can.”

“A mole, that’s a brilliant idea!” Al Capone complented. “Who is he?”

“You’d be very surprised,” was Satan’s reply. “My mole did get me into Rock Heaven when some mortal went back in time to try to wipe out heavy metal. So, now it’s the perfect time to act.”

“Couldn’t we take our legions and just storm the place?” Vlad suggested.

“It’s not that simple,” Satan explained. “The other side has a fail safe. If we simply invade, we risk all out war with Heaven, I mean the real Heaven. We don’t need that, so we have to be more cunning.”

“Is that why Julius isn’t here?” Caligula inquired.

“Exacty why!” Satan affirmed. “And why we can’t risk an all out war with Heaven. The last time that happened, Heaven’s forces were commanded by George S. Patton who studied Caesar’s strategies and thwarted him at every turn. We got our asses kicked.”

“So tell me exactly how we are going to take over Rock Heaven?” Charles Manson probed.

“Yeah, you know once we act, those two Canadian super-heroes and their companions will try to stop you,” Dave Holland pointed out.

“I know,” Satan conceded. “But I have a plan. Those two super-heroes will be on a wild goose chase and while they’re distracted elsewhere, we will make our move. Besides, once we take over Rock Heaven, I think the town of Thunder Bay will thank us. They’re not happy with those super-heroes or the musicians in Rock Heaven for putting on that concert which nearly destroyed their town.”

Somewhere in Rock Heaven:

Martin Suplee’s head was pounding once again. He hoped he might have had a reprieve this time around. After all, Rory Gallagher and Jeff Beck were more blues guitarists, likewise with Dusty Hill on bass. Even with Razzle on drums, he thought it might not have been the metal he was constantly being bombarded with. However, he couldn’t have been more wrong. They turned up the amp and blasted him with power chords and blistering guitar solos. His head was throbbing by the time the session finished.

The throbbing began to ease as he was escorted back to his cell. In one way, he was lucky. Most of the time, he was subjected to sessions involving Lemmy, Jeff Hannemann and Cliff Burton. Those sessions left him with the feeling his head was going to explode in scanners fashion. “I guess I should be grateful,” he thought to himself as he entered his cell.

He needed no force to go into the cell, it gave him respite from the constant jamming of decesased musicians from the genre he tried to erase from history. Had it not been for this time alone, he would have gone mad ages ago. Several of his hench-persons who had travelled back in time with him urged him to admit that he was wrong in trying to erase metal from history. He stubbornly refused. If anything, constantly being bombarded with heavy metal from dead metal musicians only strenghtened his belief that his cause was right.

Suplee was still thinking this over, at least when he could because even in his cell, he was still able to hear those musicans playing. At that moment, it was Warrell Dane, Eddie Van Halen, Lorne Black and A.J. Pero who were assaulting his eardrums. Suddenly, he was distracted by shuffling at his cell door. Suplee turned and saw a singer, who didn’t sing heavy metal and he admired somewhat, standing at his cell’s entrance.

Before he could say anything, the singer put his finger to his lips and whispered, “I’ve come to get you out.” With that, the singer beckoned and Martin Suplee followed. Stealthily, the pair tiptoed through Rock Heaven and somehow, nobody noticed them. They carried on until they came to a huge door.

“This is the way out,” the singer directed.

“Where will I go?” asked a rather perplexed Mr. Suplee.

“Why, to Hell of course,” the singer responded, trying to keep down the volume of his voice. “Why, if anyone leaves Rock Heaven, the only place they can go is Hell. My boss is expecting you. He will assist you in ridding the world of heavy metal.”

Suplee opened his mouth to ask for more details but the singer had mysteriously vanished from sight, leaving him on his own. Not knowing what else to do, he thought to himself, “It’s worth a try” and pushed the door open and stepped through. As he entered a strange void, all he could think was “Maybe there was still a chance that he could wipe heavy metal from ever existing.”

Back in Hell

Satan waited along with those he assembled as the figure materialized before them. “When it did, he addressed the confused new arrival, “Welcome to Hell, Mr. Suplee.”

Bewildered, Mr. Suplee looked around the room. Why he actually was in Hell! He recognized Satan as he was responsible for him being in Rock Heaven. If that wasn’t enough, he recognized some of those with him, chiefly Al Capone and Charles Manson. Plus the were two other men and a woman, who he assumed was Lizzy Borden, due to her clothing. One man was in medieval dress, the other in a Roman toga. However, the remaining man bothered him. He was dressed in heavy metal attire. Therefore, he sensed a trap.

“Who’s he?” Suplee asked pointing to the metal clad Dave Holland.

“Why, he’s part of my plan to take over Rock Heaven!” Satan laughed louldy sending vibrations around the room. “All those metal musicians should be suffering here in Hell. Don’t you agree?”

Mr. Suplee nodded, “What do you want me to do?”

Satan explained, “What you didn’t know when you went back in time to destroy heavy metal from existence is that when those in Rock Heaven created heavy metal, one of the blueprints they used was Nazereth’s “Hair of the Dog” album. What you need to do is go to this MetalMan’s house and steal his copy. You can get your revenge on him as well for his assistance in Tee-Bone Man and Superdekes defeating you. When you steal that album, MetalMan will call for the super-heroes and they will come to stop you and you can defeat them.

“How can I defeat them? Last time, I had a special device but they neutralized it. Now I’m just an ordinary human.”

“That’s where I come in!” Satan boomed. “I can give you powers that will help you defeat them.

“Then give me those powers,” Suplee demanded. “And I shall defeat those meddlesome super-heroes and wipe heavy metal from history!” His laughed resembled those from cartoon villians.

“Very well,” Satan chortled. He pointed his trident at Mr. Suplee and the transformation began taking place. Suplee let out a long blood-curtling scream as large black wings began growing from the middle of his back. However, he took the pain as a new aura overcame him. When the wings had fully grown out, his clothing mysteriously changed to black robes. A few seconds later, the transformation was  complete and Suplee felt different.

“Arise,” Satan commanded.

Mr. Suplee stood tall. He spread out his new wings fully, nearly knocking into Al Capone.

“Your transformation is now complete,” Satan informed. “You can know go and destroy Tee-Bone Man and Superdekes.

“Yes, I will have my vengeance on those two,” Suplee snarled before he mysteriously vanished.

Once Suplee had gone, Caligula asked, “Do you think he’ll succeed?”

Satan mischieviously replied, “He doesn’t need to. All we need is for him to keep the super-heroes busy long enough so we can make our move on Rock Heaven.”

 

To be continued….

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

 

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

The Writer’s Room: Outside the Writer’s Room

The Writer’s Room: Outside the Writer’s Room

Each one of the four was holding John T. Snow down by a limb.  The normally kind southern gentleman was struggling to escape.

“I’ll kill them!  I’ll kill them both!  Let me go!” screamed Snow.

The friends each struggled to keep him stable.  Mike had the left arm, Harrison the right.  Meanwhile Aaron and Metal Man had a leg each.  Each man grunted at the strain of holding John Snow down.

“I don’t understand!” protested Aaron.  “He’s gone crazy!  What happened?”

“He he hasn’t been the same…urgh!” Mike strained under the strength of John Snow’s left arm.  “He hasn’t been the same since he returned from that weird portal!”

“I fear something terrible has happened,” added Harrison the Mad Lego Artist.

“I second that,” said the 80s Metal Man as he gasped for breath.  “I can’t keep holding him!”

“Let…me…GO!” screamed John Snow again.  “I’ll kill them both!”

“No more Simmons soda for this guy,” joked Aaron.  Nobody laughed.

Suddenly the board room doors slammed open.  A team of Police ran in, guns out, and fanned about the room.

“Everyone stand back and release the suspect!  He’s coming with us!”

With quick and efficient movements, the experienced crisis team swiftly had the manic John Snow restrained, and they escorted him to an adjacent room.  It was over in what felt like seconds.  Everything happened so fast.  Before long, Snow was calmed and seated.  The Police Captain came to speak to Mike.

“We’re taking him to hospital for observation and questioning,” informed the Captain.  “He will be safe and in good hands.  You are all welcome to follow and wait there for results.  I don’t think there’s any reason to press charges.  That doesn’t seem to be appropriate for this situation.  We’ll get your friend some medical help and we’ll go from there.  The hospital will keep him in custody for the time being.”

“That sounds good to us,” said Mike.  For some reason he was picturing himself as a Police captain in a strange Noir-like universe where Harrison had a long handlebar moustache.  A funny vision.  He snapped back to reality.  “Thank you officer, Harrison and I will go.  These guys can go home to their patient families!”  He then paused a moment and looked across the room at John Snow.  “Can I…can I go speak to him a moment?”

“Just a moment,” answered the Captain as he motioned Mike to speak to John.  Mike walked across the room and put him arm on Snow’s shoulder.

“Hey buddy,” he said in a calm voice.  Snow nodded back in acknowledgement.  He was sweating.  He looked scared.  “These guys are going to take care of you, but don’t worry.  We’ll be at the hospital if you need us.  We won’t be far.  We’ll be following in my car.  OK man?”

John nodded again, but said nothing.  The Police escorted him while Mike and Harrison prepared to leave.

“If eternity should fail, we have his back,” said Harrison as he fastened his jacket.  “I’m ready.”

Mike and Harrison were exhausted.

It had been 16 hours.  They were told nothing except that John Snow was undergoing emergency surgery.  That was last night.  It was now past noon.  Mike had managed to get four hours sleep, but Harrison was having trouble adjusting to this time zone.  He fidgeted nervously with some Lego bricks he had in his pocket.  Mike was slouched so far down in his chair that he was all but horizontal.

A doctor emerged in mask and scrubs.  There were traces of blood on his tie.  He saw the pair slouching in their plastic chairs.

“Are you gentlemen here for John Snow?”

“Yes doctor!” answered Harrison immediately while Mike slowly got himself up into a more dignified position.  “What has happened?”

The doctor held up a small metallic oval.  It was egg-shaped, but longer and narrow.  It gleamed like a mirror with no visible markings or seams.

“We removed this from his skull.  There was no entrance wound.  It’s not a bullet.  We have no idea how it got in there.”

Mike’s jaw dropped, as if he could identify the object.  Harrison listened intently.

“The first thing we did when you first arrived was schedule a brain scan.  When sudden, violent behaviour happens unexpectedly, we look for brain trauma.  That’s when we found this.  We spent 12 hours extracting it.  Mr. Snow is unconscious in recovery.  He is going to be fine.  You may see him when he awakes.  But this…this is extremely troubling.

“May I?” asked Mike as he got out his camera to take a photo.  The doctor nodded and Mike snapped a shot of the silver object.

“This is going to Police headquarters for analysis,” said the doctor as he placed the object in a baggie.  “You guys may as well go get some rest and come back in a few hours when John is ready to be moved.  We’ll call you if there are any developments.”

“Thank you doctor,” said Mike and Harrison in unison.  They both looked exhausted and hungry, but with relief now entering their bodies as the adrenaline faded away.

Mike and Harrison sat with their drinks.

“So, Harrison,” asked Mike after a sip from his straw.   He held up his phone, and opened it to the photo of the silver capsule.  “Do you know what this is?”

Harrison squinted but shook his head.  “I must confess I do not.”

“I do,” dropped Mike like a bomb.

“Do tell,” said Harrison.  He sprinkled some candy sprinkles on his bagel to make his own form of Australian Fairy Bread.

“You’re not going to believe this…or maybe you will, given we’re seemingly seeing our stories come to life,” began Mike.  “This object is impossible…it is fictional.  It does not exist.  It is…” he paused for dramatic effect, “…a cerebro shell.”

Harrison’s expressionless face was without reaction.

“A cerebro shell.  From Transformers Generation One?  The Decepticons used them to control people.  The Insecticon named Bombshell would insert these into a victim’s brain, and control that victim with it.  Very hard to remove surgically, which is why it took so long.”

Harrison laughed.  “No, really, what is it?” he responded.

“I’m telling you what it is!” answered Mike.  “That, my Australian wunderkind, is a cerebro shell from the Insecticon named Bombshell.  A Transformer has entered our universe from theirs, and attempted to take control of John T. Snow, of our writers’s room.  And you know what that means.”

Harrison did indeed know what that meant.

“That means…they are trying to influence the story we are writing!  The Adventures of Tee Bone Man!  John said he wanted to kill ‘both of them’!  The Decepticons want Tee Bone Man and Superdekes dead!  But…why?”

“Don’t you see?” answered Mike.  “They’re real!  All of them!  And we’re writing the final battle of their reality!  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes, in some universe somewhere…they exist!  And their stories are playing out exactly as we are writing them!”

“We can’t let them lose,” answered Harrison.  “Tee Bone Man and Superdekes could be the only thing holding the evil back from invading our universe!”

Mike put his coffee down.  “Dear God…Harrison…you’re right!  The ultimate stakes here could be our very universe!”

Harrison thought a moment.  He had an idea.  “Last time we talked, I suggested we shut down Tee Bone Man and stop this mess.  What happens if we do that?”

“I fear utter disaster awaits,” said Mike gravely.  “If we stopped writing Tee Bone Man, there is nothing stopping them from finishing the story for us, with his death!  And then nothing would stand between them and our universe!  Every universe!  Harrison…the entire multiverse may depend on us writing this story to its very end.  And it has to end with Tee Bone Man and Superdekes winning.  No matter the cost.  We have to finish!”

Harrison wiped sprinkles from his moustache.  “Then that is what we shall do,” he said with great resolve.  “I suggest we begin to move our pieces into position for the coming battle.”

Mike nodded.  “I agree.  We have characters to introduce, others to bring home, and events to set into motion.  Now’s the time.”

Mike’s phone buzzed.

“It’s the hospital.  John is awake.  Let’s go.”

John was seated in his bed, white bandages over his head.  He was sipping a Gene Simmons ginger ale from a bottle with a straw.  He smile grew wide when he saw the two friends enter his room.

“Harrison!  Mike!  Am I ever glad to see you guys!”

“We’re glad to see you too!” said Harrison.

“We were worried!” added Mike.  The two took seats on opposite sides of Snow’s bed.

“Do you guys know what happened?” asked John.

“I do,” said Mike, “But let’s not worry about that right now.  You need to rest.  Harrison and I have the situation in hand.”

“You do?” asked John, turning his head from Mike to Harrison in search of answers.  “What situation?”  Mike and Harrison exchanged glances, but chose not to say too much.

“Everything is going to be fine,” calmed Harrison.  “You’re safe.  Nobody will be messing with your brain again.”

“And we brought you a gift!” exclaimed Mike while removing something from a bag.  “You’re going to love this.”  He handed Snow a small package.

“What is it?” asked John as he tore the paper open.

“It’s a new mini-sized Gene Simmons Vault!  All the songs at a fraction of the cost!”

Snowman looked at his gift and smiled.  “Do you guys know how much I paid for my original Simmons Vault?”

“Well now you have two!” said Harrison.  “One to look at, and one to play!”

“Thanks guys,” said Snowman.  “Sincerely.  My goal is to collect at least two copies of everything Gene ever made.   Thank you.”

A nurse popped her head in the room.

“Sorry folks, visiting hours are over.  You can come back tomorrow.”

“See ya, John.  Have a good rest.  We’ll be back.”  Mike and Harrison said their goodbyes, and exited into an empty corridor.

“We have a big problem,” said Harrison as the two walked.  “We stacked the deck against the super heroes in our story.  We have Satan, Trump’s clone, Shinzon, Darth Tyranus, who has the Force I must remind you, and of course the Eater of Worlds.  Now, we just introduced Doctor K as the latest villain.  I don’t think anyone has faced such danger in the history of fiction!”

“Then it’s time we even the odds,” answered Mike.  “Let’s bring them back.”

“Bring who back?” answered Harrison, puzzled.

“Us!  Bring us back!  The heroes need Moustachio and the Brain again.”

“But the Brainiac is dead,” said Harrison.  “You insisted we kill him in dramatic fashion.”

“You think there’s only one Brainiac in this multiverse?” chided Mike.  “Let’s get plotting!”

“Now that’s a sentiment I can get behind,” said Harrison.  “Off to the Toys R Us store.  I need bricks.  Lots and lots and lots of bricks.”

“Let’s go!” said Mike.  “You know, the real life Toys R Us store in Kitchener is the location where we first introduced your clone, Shinzon, in our stories?”

“I do remember that detail, yes,” answered Harrison.

“I knew you would.  To the Lego section!” said Mike.  “Allons-y!”

And with that, the two friends set about their business, as forces of both good and evil began to align for the final battle.

To be continued….

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

 

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

 

 

 

 

 

The Adventures of Tee Bone Man: Tee Bone Man Goes Back to School (Part Two)

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN
PHASE TWO: THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

Chapter Twenty-Four: Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Go Back to School (Part Two)

The bell rang loudly as the children raced back to their desks in Mrs. Powers’ classroom.

“Come on, back to your seats!   You were capable of moving faster on your way out, but not your way back in; now why would that be?” she scolded aloud.  The kids laughed, ignoring her.  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes just chuckled to themselves as they watched the chaos from the front of the room.

“School Daze, eh Tee Bone?” nudged Deke.

“Tick tock, three o’clock,” responded Tee Bone.

The kids were now all sitting attentively, waiting for Tee Bone Man and Superdekes to finish telling the story of their adventures.  While they were out at recess, Deke had sketched some diagrams on the blackboard.

“So, kids, like we were saying earlier, our adventures were about to get a lot more serious.  We told you about our friend Mr. Moustachio.”  Tee Bone noticed that Ripper the squirrel was perched outside the window now, listening to this part of the story.

“The day came when we met Moustachio, for what turned out to be the last time.”  Tee Bone fought to keep his composure.  “It was a crazy, crazy night!  Our adventure took us all the way to an island in the Caribbean; it’s really nice and warm there, which is fine, but we had to fight a bunch of bad guys in the middle of a deadly amusement part!  That was scary, wasn’t it Deke?”

Deke had sketched some illustrations.  “That’s right Tee,” he answered.  He pointed to a picture of a dinosaur and a rollercoaster.  “I had to navigate this shady amusement park ride, while you wound up in the hall of mirrors!”

“I don’t mind telling you kids, that was scary.  Fortunately, it was there we met up with Moustachio and Ripper one more time.”

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter 16: A Crazy Crazy Night Part One]

“He saved your tail, if I recall,” reminded Deke.  “Either way, we had to stop a man called Wicked Lester.  And you know from that name alone, he’s not on our side.”

“He had rigged this whole island against us.  From a ‘Psycho Circus’ to a weird creepy rusty kitchen.  It was a bad, bad scene, kids!” exclaimed Tee Bone with a wide expression on his face.

“Fortunately, our good friend the Snowman came along to help us,” added Deke.

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter 16: A Crazy Crazy Night Part Two]

“And don’t forget the Brainiac,” added Tee Bone Man.  “He came in with a last-minute save, rest his soul.”

A child in the middle row of the classroom raised her hand like a dart.

“Wait a minute, you were on island in the Caribbean?” she asked sceptically.

Tee Bone nodded affirmative.  “That’s right.”

“And your friends just happened to arrive in time?  Isn’t the Caribbean thousands of kilometers away from here?”

Tee Bone’s mouth was about to open to answer, but the kid kept at him.

“And they all just happened to make it there on time?”  The girl crossed her arms in disbelief.  “This sounds made-up.”

“They had their own transportation,” explained Deke.  “Listen, we’re alive today because of them.”

“Hold up, hold up!”  The kid was not taking this sitting down.  She stood and raised her arms in the air.  “They had their own transportation to the Caribbean?  Are all your friends billionaires?”

“No!  Well, just one.  Maybe two.”  Tee Bone then calmly walked to the girl’s desk and whispered in her ear.  “Listen kid.  Stop asking questions.  If you ask questions it’ll stop making sense, so just sit down in your little chair and keep it zipped!”  Tee Bone made a zipper movement across his lips with his hand.  “Zip it!”

The girl sat quietly in her chair and stuck out her tongue.

“Anyway!  Don’t worry about minor details. Boring stuff!  Trust me!  The point is, we got off the island after we saved the world, again!”

“Well,” interrupted Deke.  “Most of us got off the island.”

A kid in the front gasped.  “What happened?”

“This’ll take some explaining,” began Deke, “But I assume you kids like movies.  Have you seen Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness?”  A couple kids raised their hands.  “Well, I got news for you kids.  Me and Tee Bone…”  The teacher Mrs. Powers glared at him from the back.  “I mean, Tee Bone and I discovered that the multiverse is real.  Everything that exists here and now…also exists in other universes, some identical to ours and most of them vastly different.”  Deke started making sketches on the blackboard of what a whole bunch of universes might look like.  “So out there somewhere, a place so distant from us that we don’t have way to measure it or even a word for how vast the multiverse is…out there somewhere is another you, another me, another Powers, another Tee Bone.  And the reason we know that is because our friend Moustachio is lost out there in it.”

“What happened?!?” shrieked a kid in the back.

“We don’t exactly know,” said Deke.  “We know there was a flash of orange light, and our friend disappeared like that.”  He snapped his fingers.  “But we’ve studied all the evidence we have, and everything says ‘multiverse’.  It’s real and that’s where our friend is right now.”

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter 16:  A Crazy Crazy Night Part Three, and Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures]

“Wow,” said Mrs. Powers.  “This is going to make the next science class seem boring by comparison, and you know these kids will be asking multiverse questions that I cannot answer.  You know that, right Deke?  Right Tee Bone?”  Her eyes shot icicles at the two men.  A bead of sweat ran down Tee Bone’s nose and onto his lip.  It quivered in fear.  A feeling the man was simply not used to.

“I…gotta go use the washroom,” said Tee Bone.  “Deke, you wanna handle this next part?”

Deke shrugged.  “I guess I have to.  I should have drank two double-doubles on my way here too.”  One kid laughed.  Clearly his parents were coffee drinkers.  “While Tee Bone’s taking a break, let’s talk a minute about how important it is to take breaks!  I know you kids have lots of homework, but don’t forget to relax and have fun every once in a while.  Tee Bone and I do it too.  We have to!  Otherwise we’d have no energy to fight the bad guys!”  He made punching motions with his hands.  “Lego,” nodded Deke.  “Lego is a good pastime for young and old alike!”

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter 14:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Discover the Tao, and Chapter 19: Tee Bone and Superdekes Vs. The Lego]

Deke took a deep sip of water so that he could excuse himself for the next pee break.  He then focused himself, for this next part of the story was the darkest and hardest to tell.

“With the multiverse opening up before us, we needed help.  And help we got.  Our friend the Brainiac put us in touch with other super heroes.  Because of him, we put together a team.  We call ourselves the Northern Lights.  You know what that is, right kids?”  All the Thunder Bay kids knew what the Northern Lights are, of course!  “Well we named ourselves that because we are a like a light in our darkest hour!  Today we have eleven members…”

A loud “SQUEE!  SQUEE!” from outside interrupted Deke’s speech.

“Sorry!  Twelve members!  Besides Tee Bone and me…”  Mrs. Powers coughed angrily!  “I mean…Tee Bone and I?  Besides Tee Bone and I, there’s Ripper over there!  Everyone say hello to Ripper the Squirrel!”  The jet-black squirrel waved a paw back.  “We also have our friends the Snowman, Max the Axe, the Mars Man, Mr. Books, and some new friends too.  We call them the King of the Sharks, the Night Ranger, and the Jexciter!  You should see these guys.  The one guy wears a shark hat, one looks like Batman, and the other one never has a shirt on because he’s so muscular!”  Deke popped an impressive muscle on his right bicep.  “We also have an actual knight named Bernard, and an eccentric billionaire named Mr. Durling.  And that’s twelve.  We also have allies in space and in England, and we’re getting stronger every day.”

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter 22:  Enter the Durling Foundation]

“What about the Brainiac?” asked a kid who was clearly paying attention.  “You said ‘rest his soul’!”

That’s when Tee Bone walked back into the room.  Deke excused himself as promised, leaving Tee to finish the hard part of the story.

“We lost Brainiac,” he said, taking off his glasses as he looked down at his boots.  He paused.  The silence hung heavy in the air.  “We were looking for clues.  A friend of his was killed.  We were trying to discover who did it.  That’s when Shinzon showed up.”

“The clone?” asked the kid who was paying attention.

“The clone.  At one point or another, we found out he was named after Captain Picard’s evil clone in Star Trek:  Nemesis.  Somebody had a sense of humour when they named him, because Shinzon really is pure evil.  And we’ll get him.  I promise you kids, Shinzon is not coming back to this planet without answering to us.”

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter 17:  Tee Bone Man vs. Edie Van Heelin’, Shinzon: Dread and the Fugitive Mind, Chapter 20: The Death of Edie Van Heelin’, Chapter 21: Fate of the Brainiac.

Deke re-entered the room at that moment. “And that pretty much gets us up to speed,” he said.  “We’ve been fighting evil and saving rock and roll for a couple years now, but we have a solid team behind us.  We have a pretty good idea what we are up against.  And we will win.”

Mrs. Powers clapped, and the students followed suit.  “Thank you, gentlemen.  You are welcome back in my classroom any day.”

Tee Bone and Superdekes bowed.  “Any more questions?” asked Tee Bone.

The kid who seemed to be paying attention raised his hand.  “I have a question!”

“Go ahead,” answered Tee Bone.

“Remember your friend Moustachio disappeared in a flash of orange light?  Did it look like that light outside?”  The kid pointed through the window.  Ripper the Squirrel, who was seated outside on the windowsill, turned to look.  There was indeed a flashing orange light outside.  From that light, poured several small figures.  Four-legged figures.  Furry ones.  And they were heading towards the school.”

“C’mon Deke!  We better check this out!”  At that, the two heroes opened the classroom door — where they were confronted by a woman in black.  Her hair was fire red, and she was surrounded by dogs.  Schnauzers!

“Hello, Tee Bone Man.  Greetings Superdekes.  I’m Doctor K.  Let’s talk about my brother,” she growled.  The Schnauzers joined her in growling.

Deke meekly waved hello.  “Hi, lady.  Who is your brother?”

This only seemed to make her angry.   “You don’t remember me.  I was at the funeral.  You were supposed to protect him.  Instead you brought home his body.”  The Schnauzers continued to growl.  Tee Bone and Deke stepped out of the classroom into the hallway and closed the door behind them.

“Ohhhh…” answered Tee Bone.  “The Brainiac.  I’m so sorry for your loss, Doctor K.  We did our best to save him, but we were too late.  The evil clone Shinzon got to him first.  But we are not resting until we catch him.  Him and his boss, the one who sent him, Lord Tyranus.  We’re onto them both.  I assure you, we won’t rest…”

“ENOUGH!” she screamed.  She then removed a bass clarinet from a black leather case by her side.  “I’m here for my revenge!”  She blew into the mouthpiece.  Tee Bone and Superdekes were immediately thrown against the wall by the blast of bass!

“Ouch!” yelled Tee Bone.  “Take it easy Doc, let us help!”

“YOU HAVE DONE ENOUGH!”  She prepared to blast them again.

“Quick!  To the gymnasium!” cried Deke.  The two ran out a side door, but Doctor K and her Schnauzer army were ready.

“You think you can run?  I recruited this Schnauzer army from the furthest reaches of the multiverse!  The most vicious Schnauzers ever bred.  Schnauzers…ATTACK!”  She pointed at the two men running down the hall, and they pursued with drool dripping from their sharp fangs!

The pair ran towards the gymnasium, and slammed the doors behind them.  They could hear Schnauzers thudding against the doors, and they struggled to hold them shut.

“What do you we do now Tee?” asked Deke.  “We can’t fight the Brainiac’s sister, and we can’t hurt those cute but vicious animals.  We’re stuck, buddy!  You even left your guitar back in the classroom!”

“I’m as stymied as you, buddy.  Keep holding that door…we need a plan!”

“I’m trying!  Those Schnauzers are too tough!” answered Deke.

Suddenly there was a blast of bass.  The doors shattered, and our two heroes were thrown like rag dolls onto the gymnasium floor.  Doctor K strode through, followed by her army of animals.  Tee Bone rubbed his head from the fall.  Deke’s face was bleeding from shattered glass.  Tee Bone raised his hand in a “stop” motion.

“Doctor K…you have to listen to us!”  The doctor interrupted him before he could finish.

“My brother listened to you and you got him killed!  Why shouldn’t I finish you right now?”  The Schnauzer army was ready to strike, teeth bare and hungry.  They quietly growled.

“What if…what if we promised to bring you Shinzon?  He’s the one who did it…what if we brought you the real killer?” asked Tee.

Doctor K lowered her bass clarinet and commanded the Schnauzers to heel.

“Bring me the ‘real’ killer.  You have 30 days.  If you fail, I guarantee these Schnauzers will taste your blood!  Just as the day time turns into night time…just like the rich man needs lots of money…I will be back.  30 days.”  She then blew a series of special notes on her bass clarinet.  It summoned an orange light.

“30 days!” she reminded them, as she stepped through the orange portal with her army and disappeared.

Tee Bone and Superdekes sat on the ground, one sweating and one bleeding.

“I think the plot just thickened,” said Deke.

To be continued….

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

 

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

 

 

 

The Adventures of Tee Bone Man: Tee Bone Man Goes Back to School (Part One)

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN
PHASE TWO: THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

Chapter Twenty-Four: Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Go Back to School (Part One)

With nervous jitters, Tee Bone Man and Superdekes sat in the classroom, atop chairs that seemed a little small for their superhero frames.  They were fully suited up, but otherwise unarmed for the children.  This was only a fifth grade class, which made them a little extra cautious….maybe even more than when saving the world from monsters and villains.  Their skin glistened with tense, cold sweat.

“Settle down, kids!” screamed Mrs. Powers, the stern-faced prune of a teacher, as she stormed into the class.  Not the most pleasant teacher our heroes have encountered, Powers had a tense aura.  Ancient as the Earth itself, her black hair was tied tight into a 1960s beehive like she forgot what decade this was.  The class went suddenly silent upon her bellow, and Tee Bone Man loosened his collar at the cape.  A little warm in here?  Someone should check the air conditioning.  His cape was tight.  His new cape.  The old one was burned by a dragon about two months ago in the Battle of Kitchener.  Now, he and Superdekes were summoned here to speak in a class by Principal Rockefeller, but Mrs. Powers clearly wanted nothing to do with the pair.

“Was the Van Halen mask really necessary?” she whispered to Tee Bone Man.  “This is a fifth grade class, gentlemen.  Do you want these kids looking up David Lee Roth’s derriere on the internet?”

Tee Bone blinked.  “You know David Lee Roth?” he asked with eyes wide.

“Oh please,” she huffed, shaking her head in displeasure.  “Do you think I’m new?  Go!” she waved her hand as she gestured to the front of the classroom.  Deke and Tee hurried to the blackboard.  Deke wrote their names in white chalk while Tee Bone spoke.

“Might as well Jump,” said Tee to himself.  Here we go!  “Hi kids!”

The class fidgeted, many with head in hands, trying not too hard to pay attention.  Tough crowd, noted Tee Bone.  He took a deep breath.  “I’m Tee Bone Man, and this is my pal Superdekes!  We’re superheroes!  We’ve been invited here today by your principal to teach you all about right and wrong, good and evil, and some pretty crazy adventures we’ve had!”

This was patently false.  The real reason they were sweating in that classroom was in repayment for the chaos caused by their New Year’s Eve concert last month.  The concert threw the city of Thunder Bay into disarray for three solid days, and a reckoning was had in the halls of the Mayor’s Office.  This school appearance was part of the ongoing reparations that Tee and Deke owed from that night.  The concert might have blown minds, but the fallout in the days after blew chunks.  Tee Bone and Superdekes were the scapegoats.

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter Twenty-Three:  Rockin’ New Year’s Eve]

Tee Bone Man cleared his throat.  Time for penance.

“We’d like to tell you all about our adventures, and maybe you’ll learn a thing or two in the process.  Are ya ready?” Tee Bone pumped his fist in excitement.  One kid responded with a snore, another a fart.

“SCOTTIE!” scolded Mrs. Powers.

“OK!  Deke…why don’t you start?” said Tee

Deke looked startled a moment and then snapped to attention.  “Uh, sure!  Why don’t we start with our origin story?”

Tee Bone nodded.  “Always good to start from the start,” he encouraged.

“Great!” said Superdekes as he clapped and rubbed his hands.  “So, kids, Tee Bone Man over here got his amazing super powers by falling into a vat of radioactive Scotch.  Do you kids know what Scotch is?”

Mrs. Powers’ jaw dropped.  Deke turned his head in a start, and changed his line of questioning.

“I mean, do you kids know what radioactivity is?”  The kids stared blankly.  “Well, I mean…”  This was not going well!  He smacked his head.  Tee Bone gestured and whispered “Say something!”  Deke had an idea.  Changing his line of questioning, he grabbed their attention.

“I mean, have any of you kids ever eaten a lot of candy all at once?”

Suddenly the class perked up.  A few children raised their hands excitedly.

“Did you feel different after eating all that candy?” he asked.

“I got a tummy ache!” screamed one kid.   Another one shouted, “I ran around and around and around until my mom told me to stop and then I couldn’t sleep!”

Deke snapped his fingers and pointed at the kid.  “That’s right!  That’s kind of what happened to Tee Bone Man here.  He fell into some radioactive…candy…and next thing I knew, he could fly!  It was very dangerous, he could have died!  We barely survived, so the lesson here is…don’t eat too much candy, I think!  Anyway, that’s why we became a superhero team!”  Deke raised his hand to high-five Tee, who hesitated but went for it.  The kids were starting to wake up.

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter Zero:  Origins]

“That’s right, Deke!” said Tee Bone, picking up the story.  “Any questions?”

One hand went up.  A nerdy kid in the back with greasy hair and glasses.  Great.

“How doesth it work?” asked the nerd with a lisp.  “Like, how do guysth know where people need help?”

Whew!  “Great question kid!” exclaimed Tee.  “Do any of your moms and dads buy music records?”  A couple kids more raised their hands.

“AC/DC!” said a tiny voice from the back.  Deke stared in surprise, mouth slightly agape.  Powers frowned and crossed her arms.

“Right!” enthused Tee Bone.  “Well, Deke here devised a super secret music system that allows us to sense danger before it comes!  It works when he plays a record on his special record player!  It’s pretty cool!  Deke is a wizard with technology, you see.  Tell them, Deke!”

Deke looked surprised.  “You were doing so well.  Keep going,” he pressed.  Tee Bone was clearly not eager to upset Mrs. Powers any further, but he continued his story.

“Our first few adventures were pretty easy, kind of like when you’re starting to play a new video game.  You kids know what Sasquatches are?   Well, our earliest adventures just involved us saving a bunch of tourists from Sasquatches and such.  Very exciting.  You can actually can smell them for a mile.”  Tee Bone pinched his nose for exaggeration.  “Pee-eww!” he said to the class’s laughter.

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter One:  A Friend In Need]

A kid wrinkled up his nose and giggled.

“What do they smell like?” asked Scottie, the kid who farted earlier, without raising his hands.

“A little like you…” murmured Deke.  The class giggled.  All but Scottie of course!  Deke picked up the story.

“The problem with fighting Sasquatches is, Tee Bone would always get there first because he can fly, and I can’t.  All I have are my gadgets.  But check this out.”

Deke sketched a crude drawing of his flying motorcycle on the board.

“I had to figure out a way to fly!  I had a motorcycle, which was fast, but Tee can fly anywhere in the world!  I had to sit in traffic and wait for the green light!  And kids, you be careful every time you cross the street!  So, you know what I did?  I put some wings on my motorcycle and now it flies!  Just goes to show, never give up and follow your imaginations!”   Deke drew some flames coming from the bike’s exhaust in red chalk.  “Psssshhhhhhhhht!” said Deke as made roaring engine sounds to go with his flames.

Finishing his drawing, Deke looked at Powers before continuing.  She wasn’t going to like what happened next.  It was a tad…hellish.  But these kids have seen worse on YouTube.  Deke began the next chapter.

“My flying bike came in handy when we had to go to Australia.  Remember a couple of years ago, those earthquakes that hit all over the world?  Those were scary, right?  Well it was me and Tee Bone who stopped them!”

“TEE BONE AND I,” corrected a stern Mrs. Powers.

“Tee Bone and I, right, and on that note…Tee?”  Deke was passing the live hand grenade to his friend now, so to speak!

“OK, yeah!  So, I flew to Australia to meet a new ally called Mr. Moustachio!  He is very important to our story…don’t forget that name!  Anyway, we learned the earthquakes were coming from Hell, and we had to go and literally defeat Satan himself!  But we did, because good always wins, right kids?  Right?”  Powers scowled.

“We saved the world,” emphasized Deke to the class so Powers would stop glaring.  “And we didn’t even ask for a reward!”

“We had to fight demons and dragons, kids!” said Tee.  Deke raised his arms to the sides and flapped them like dragon wings, and pretended to breath fire for the class.  “It was pretty hairy, but thanks to our friend Moustachio, we won that battle and saved the world for the first time!  A pretty big deal, and we didn’t even get a parade or an interview on TV!”

“Boo!” said Scottie to this news.

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter Two: Hell Freezes Over and Three: Hell Ain’t A Bad Place to Be]

“But kids, this is where the story gets a little crazy!  Our new friend Moustachio returned home to his house in Australia, which is on the other side of the world.  My friend Deke here thinks that Satan cloned Moustachio during that adventure!  Do you know what cloning is?  It’s like making a copy of a person!”

Deke sketched some people on the blackboard for emphasis, all identical to one another.

“Me and De…I mean, Deke and I continued to do our jobs saving the world, while someone was making a copy of our friend!”  Tee Bone wiped his brow a moment and took a swig of his water.  “We think it was Satan again.  He made an evil version of our friend, and named him Shinzon!   And now we have him to worry about too.  That’s what we think happened anyway, right Deke?”

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter Eighteen:  Shinzon – Origins and Edie Van Heelin’ and the Quest for the Lost Lego]

“That’s my theory, Tee!” said Deke as he picked up the story.  “But kids, we were having a pretty good time protecting the world during our first adventures.  We got to meet some celebrities.  How many of you kids like hockey?”  Five or six kids raised their hands.  “Anyone like the Boston Bruins?” asked Deke.  “Nah, me neither!  Hah.  Anyway, if you can believe it, once Tee Bone and I had to save the world from a big rat named Brad Marchand, the captain of the Boston Bruins!”  A couple kids laughed at word rat.  “No, it’s true!” said Deke.  “He has a big old rat nose and he’s just a big bad pain in the ass!”

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter Four:  Tee Bone Man and the Rink of…Doom?]

Powers scolded immediate.  “DEKE.  LANGUAGE.”

“Right, sorry!  Keep it warm, rat!”   Deke drew a funny caricature of Marchand on the board.  The kids laughed at his massive mountain of a nose.

“Umm, anyway, after we took care of Marchand, we started making some new friends!  Friends are very important, kids!  Always make sure you have your friends’ backs, and pick ones that will always have yours!  On our next adventure, we met a strange American billionaire named Snowman!  He had lots of rare records and collectables, so you know what he did?  He bought an army of snowmen to protect it!  And you know what happened when Satan attacked us again?  Can you guess?”

Deke sketched a portrait of the Snowman on the blackboard as Tee Bone spoke.  Mrs. Powers interrupted.

“Isn’t that Richard Dreyfuss?” she questioned.

“Common mistake,” winked Deke.

“He’s very handsome,” blushed the teacher.  “I mean, can you guess what happened next kids?”

A kid raised her hand.  “Did the snowmans melt?”

“The snowmans melted!” shouted Tee Bone as he pointed at the girl and pumped his fist.

“But did you stop the bad guys?” asked another child.

“We sure did!” said Tee Bone.  “We stopped the Devil and his Knights In Satan’s Service, and the Snowman has been one of our best friends ever since!”

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter Five:  The Super Duper Vault]

There was an awkward pause.  Tee Bone Man drew a blank.  He scratched his head a moment.  “What happened next, Deke?  I’m having trouble remembering the next part.”

“You took a vacation.  You went to camp,” said Deke.

“Oh that’s right,” said Tee.  “Always remember, take some time to play and don’t work too hard!  I made a new friend on my vacation, kind of,” said Tee Bone.  “You knows know what squirrels are right?”

Just about every kid raised their hands.  “There’s one outside right now!” said one as he pointed through a window.  “A big black one!”

“That’s him!” said Tee Bone.  “That’s my squirrel friend Ripper.  I met him when I took a vacation at my camp.  Technically, he belongs to Mr. Moustachio, but we’ll tell you more about him later on.  First, we had to deal with the realisation that not everybody is on our side.  Even superheroes have bullies.”

[FUTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter Six:  Tee Bone Goes To Camp]

“That’s right!” said Deke.  “Now, kids, this next part of the story is about a big old bully named Billy.  We’re going to teach you how to deal with meanies like Billy.  Nobody here likes a bully, right?”

“Nooooooo!” came a sea of kid voices.

“Nobody likes a bully!” said Deke.  “Well I got a bully named Billy and he’s a big old grouch.  Have you kids ever heard of a band called Mr. Big?”

Dead stares.

“Didn’t think so.  Well, you know what this bully did?  He came around to my house just to mess with me, when Tee Bone was sleeping!  Isn’t that mean?”  All the kids nodded in agreement.  “But I got him, yes I did, all my myself!” said Deke, as he turned to wink at Tee Bone.

“We got him,” said Tee Bone.

“I got him,” corrected Deke.  “By myself.  Without Tee Bone Man’s help!”

The kids clapped.

“And that’s what you do with a bully!” exclaimed Deke.  “When they come to your house with a teal doubleneck bass guitar looking for trouble, you blast ’em with your nuclear pick-shooter!”

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter Seven:  The Revenge of Common Knowledge]

“It’s a good thing we kept meeting new friends,” said Tee Bone as he continued the story.  “Especially since the bullies were growing in number.  We needed friends.  Deke and I couldn’t do this on our own anymore.  Things were happening all over the world, not just here in Thunder Bay.  Do you kids know where England is?”

Nobody seemed to know.

“Well it’s a long way away, across the Atlantic Ocean!” said Tee Bone, holding his arms wide to express the massive distance.  “And this story goes to show, even people from very far away that talk with difference accents, can be your next friend!  Our new friend, Michael the 80s Metal Man, came from a place called Stroud.  This time, there was a bad teacher named Mr. Suplee, who was trying to change world history using time travel!  Have you kids seen any good time travel movies?  Well it works just like the movies, I guess.”

A boy raised his hand.  “Like in Avengers Endgame?”

“No, but like virtually every other time travel movie except that one.”  Deke took over here for Tee Bone.  “There was this evil teacher here in Thunder Bay named Mr. Suplee…”

Mrs. Powers interrupted.  “Mr. Suplee?  The music teacher?”

“Why, yes…did you know him?” asked Deke.

“He was my first husband!” answered Powers.

“Ah.  Well, he was an A-hole, ma’am,” said Tee Bone.

“I agree,” said Powers.  “Continue.”

“Hah.  Well, Mr. Suplee decided he didn’t like a certain kind of music, and he decided to use time travel to erase heavy metal music from history!  And he almost succeeded, didn’t he Tee?” asked Deke

“That’s right,” answered Tee Bone.  “If it wasn’t for the Metal Man, and his connections in Rock Heaven, we’d never have solved that crisis.  And that means we’d live in a world without Ozzy Osbourne!”

“Ozzy!” shouted a kid in the back with a pumped fist.

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter Eight:  Tee Bone and Deke’s Time Travelling Adventure and Who’s the Mole in Rock and Roll Heaven?]

“That’s right!  But you know kids, new friends are great but never forget your old friends either!  Soon we met up with El Moustachio again.  And guess what!  Satan was up to no good!  Again!” said Tee Bone, hamming it up for the kids now.  He then put on a terrible Australian accent.  “We had ta go back ta da land down unda!”  Deke quietly whispered to him to cut the accent.  Tee grimaced but continued without.  “Anyway, it was supposed to be a fun trip looking for records, but we ended up having to save the world again!  We found an evil, demonic record called the Infernum!”

“And the music sucked!” chuckled Deke to another frown from Mrs. Powers.  “Sorry!” he said this time.

“Anyway, this record we found was the oldest in existence, and capable of summoning a massive army of evil, so needless to say, we had to make sure Satan didn’t get his claws all over it!” explained Tee Bone.  The kids were enthralled with their stories.  “You can imagine what would happen if we didn’t!”

“We had to fight knights in armor!” said Deke with a sword-like motion of his hands.

“And I broke my guitar!” said Tee Bone with a teardrop-motion.  “But we kept fighting anyway!”  He and Deke grabbed a couple of the meter-long rulers that Mrs. Power by the black board.  “It looked something like this!  En garde, Deke!”  He had Deke swung sticks in mock combat, until Tee managed a fatal strike.

“Ahh!” said Deke as he pretended to die.

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter Nine:  Castle Communications]

“Did you get a new guitar?” asked one kid.  “What colour?” asked another.

“I did!  A black one!” answered Tee Bone Man.  “Wanna see?”

The class cheered.  Tee Bone reached down behind the teacher’s desk and brought up a guitar case.  Inside was a gleaming black weapon, the likes of which these kids had never seen before.  It gleamed under the cold classroom lights.  Tee Bone smiled as he noticed the kids respond to it.

“May I?” he winked to Mrs. Powers.

“Not too loud!” she answered.

Tee Bone smiled.  He casually played Van Halen’s “Eruption”, note for note, tap for tap, for the class who gaped in awe at the sound.  His hands were a blur.  The sound from the tiny practice amp filled the room.  If only they had known it was powered by nuclear Scotch!  It was warmest tones those kids would ever likely hear in person.  Tee Bone shredded the solo until every young mind in the room was blown.  After finishing the solo, they clapped in glee.  Lives were changed that day, only they wouldn’t know it yet.

“I got this axe…that’s slang for guitar…I got this guitar from a guy named Max.  He’s kind of a big deal, you know.  He and a mutual friend of ours called the Brainiac helped me get this very special instrument to replace my old red one.”

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter Fifteen:  Status Acoustic – The Really Big Deal]

“Still, it took a while to find the right guitar with the right powers to fight evil!” said Deke.  “You had to do without for a while.  What happened next in our story?”

“We don’t have to tell these kids about the Iron Maiden concert,” shushed Tee.

“Oh yes we do!” laughed Deke.  “Go on!”

Tee Bone harumphed.  “OK, so we went to go to see Iron Maiden in Toronto, and I bought some cursed bootleg socks, and they made me go a little crazy.  That’s all.  Don’t buy bootleg merchandise, is the lesson here, I guess.”  Deke was laughing to himself.

“What kindsa stuff did you do when you were crazy?” asked the kid named Scott.

“Nothing, I went to sleep, now let’s move on,” said Tee.  Deke was killing himself laughing in the corner.  If only these kids knew just how crazy Tee Bone got that night!

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter Ten:  The Case of the Cursed Iron Maiden Socks]

Deke tried to reign himself in.  “The important thing is, friends stick together and without his friends, Tee Bone would be on the funny farm right now.”  The class laughed.

Tee Bone smiled.  “It’s true what’s he’s saying about friends,” he continued.  “We had all our friends over for Christmas that year, which was really nice.  Brainiac, Moustachio, Mr. Books, Snowman, Metal Man, all of ’em.”

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter Eleven:  A Tee Bone Man Christmas]

“And then we went to space,” teased Deke.

“No way!” gasped one kid.  “You went to space?” yelled another child.  “I peed myself!” screamed a third.

“Me too kid,” winked Tee.  “Almost, anyway.  But yes, we went to space.  We went to Mars actually.”

“Yeah, that was wild,” said Deke.  “We met a new friend named Kevin, but we were there to save the Snowman’s tail, again!  From the Martians this time.  And yes, there are Martians.  I guess that’s probably news.  Anyway, we got Snowman and Kevin safely home from Mars, and it was otherwise a fairly uneventful trip, all things considered,” finished Deke, ignoring the carnage they wreaked on that trip, and the uncertainty of a possible loose end regarding a clone of Donald Trump.  No need to confuse these kids.

“We flew TIE Fighters and X-Wings, dude.  Don’t cheap out on these kids,” chided Tee.

“Wanna see my actual working lightsaber?” asked Deke of the class.

“NO LASER SWORDS IN SCHOOL!” scolded Powers.

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter Twelve:  Lost In Space]

Deke’s heart skipped a beat.  “No ma’am; it’s in the car.”

“In the car it stays!” she barked.

“Yes ma’am, in the car in stays,” he agreed.  “But kids, I have to tell you, things were starting to get serious.  Do you think you can handle the rest?”

“YES!” shouted the kids in unison.

“OK then,” smiled Tee Bone Man just as the bell rang for recess.  “We’ll finish when you return!” he shouted as the tidal wave of children ignored him on their way out the door.  Our heroes were left in the room, with just Mrs. Powers staring at them.  There was an awkward silence.

“Tell me something, boys,” she said sternly.

“Anything, sure,” said Tee Bone nervously.

“Did you give that Suplee character a swift kick in the pants?” she said with a dead serious look.

Tee Bone smiled behind the mask.  “Let’s just say he gets three square meals a a day at Canada’s finest maximum security facility.”

There was no reaction on Powers’ face for several seconds.  Then her mouth twitched as she struggled to fight back a smile.  Her eyes divulged her delight.

“Good,” she simply said, and went to go monitor the kids playing in the school yard.

To be continued tomorrow…

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

 

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM