RSTs Mk II: Getting More Tale

#424: How to Stop a Thief

RECORD STORE TALES MkII: Getting More Tale
#424: How to Stop a Thief

Surely, one of the biggest costs of running a retail business is loss due to theft.  If you open your doors to the public, somebody’s going to try and steal from you.  That is just the unfortunate reality of the world we inhabit.  Thieves have existed for as long as civilization, I’ll wager.

We had several defenses in place to protect ourselves from theft.  Although I do not have any numbers, I believe we were about effective as you could reasonably expect.

First and foremost, theft can be stopped by an aware staff.  When I first started at the Record Store in ’94, the boss said that not only is customer service #1, but it can help reduce theft.  If I were to walk up to every customer browsing on the floor to ask if they needed help, then any potential thieves would be aware that I had been watching and paying attention.  The boss taught us that diligent customer service can stop most theft before it happens.

On top of that, another thing I would do is purposely work right next to a suspicious person.  If I saw a customer acting all shady like they were trying to hide what they were doing with their hands, I would walk right next to them and start straightening CDs where they stood.  That probably helped, too.

SECURITY CASEThe second thing we did, at least in the early days, was apply magnetic tags to every item in stock.  For our CDs, that was easily done.  Remember those big, plastic security cases that had to be unlocked at the counter?  Some stores still use them.  You couldn’t break them open without wrecking the contents, and you couldn’t open them without the key, which was behind the counter.  Each security case had magnetic tags in it.  Put a CD in one of those things, and it’s not going anywhere without setting off the alarms.

For tapes, we didn’t have those security cases so we applied the magnetic tags directly to the cassette.  We’d try to hide them on the side opposite from the spine.  This was effective, but less so.  A thief could peel off those magnetic tags and often did.  It was never a good day when we found a bunch of those tags stuck under a shelf somewhere, like an old piece of gum.

Every Wednesday, we’d do a “tape check”.  Either T-Rev or I would go through every single tape in house, and make sure the magnetic tag was on there securely.  If it was peeling, we’d tape it on.  If it was ripped off (sometimes just from age and shelf wear), we’d replace it.  We were encouraged to replace as few of those as possible.  The stickers were something like 5 cents each, and that adds up very quickly when you have a few thousand tapes in stock.

With the magnetic tags and the tape check every Wednesday, we had it partly covered.  You’d also have to watch for kids trying to bypass the security gate.  You might see a kid walking out with his backpack lifted over his head (and gate).   I had also heard that a notorious local gang of thieves had lined their coats with tinfoil.  Tinfoil can stop the magnetic tags from setting off the alarms.  People used tinfoil to make “booster bags” – a device you can hide a tagged item in, in order to steal it without triggering the alarm.  Although I never witnessed it myself, the rumour was that these guys used something similar, and lined their coats with the stuff.  That’s how they managed to steal such huge quantities.  The gangs didn’t steal from us, but they targeted the big chain stores like HMV.  They were known all over town.  Every once in a while, I’ll still see one of their names in the newspaper.  The leader was recently busted in a meth sting, after having racked up 40 convictions over the years.

STEALING DISCS

Been Caught Stealing indeed!

When we changed the store’s format to 99% used CDs, we did away with the magnetic tags.  Instead we displayed empty cases only, while the precious CDs themselves were behind the counter.  This did result in some confusion, but much less costly theft prevention.

I’d still have customers walk up to me and say, “Hey buddy, I think somebody ripped you off.  This CD case is empty.”  Apparently, that customer didn’t notice the 7000 CDs behind me.

To try and help the customer understand what was going on, we put little signs on the CD shelves.  “All cases are empty.”  Even this caused confusion!  A few people would walk up to me and ask, “It says all cases are empty, so does that mean I have to buy the CD separately?”  Others would ask, “So you only sell the cases, not the CDs?”

Yeah, that’s it….

Unfortunately we could never completely stop theft.  Sometimes we would look up a CD in inventory.  The disc would be listed in stock, and the CD itself still behind me…but the case nowhere to be found anywhere in store.   We would check our sections regularly, but many cases never showed up.  I guess some thieves just ended up with empty ones.

Serves them right, but the last laugh was on us, because we ended up with a lot of case-less CDs that could not be sold.  The parasitic thieves cost us again.

#423: The Tyranny of Cassette in the ’80s

RECORD STORE TALES MkII: Getting More Tale
#423: The Tyranny of Cassette in the ’80s

Anyone who grew up in the mid to late 1980s probably enjoyed their music on the most popular format at the time:  cassette.  Vinyl LPs were still around, and still popular, but not nearly as much as cassettes.  CDs were new and only a few of us had CD players yet.  Cassette tapes had the portability factor going for them.  Everybody had a Walkman, and those who didn’t probably had one on their Christmas list in 1985.

Vinyl was a dying breed in our highschool halls.  There were still some older kids who boasted of the superior sound quality, but none of my friends had equipment good enough to enjoy that sound quality.  I certainly didn’t.  All I had was a turntable hooked directly into a Sanyo cassette deck for amplification.  The sound was harsh and tinny.  The scratches inherent with the format were also more distracting than the tape hiss of cassette.

So, it was all about cassette!  Buy ‘em, trade ‘em, swap ‘em and re-record over them when you decide you don’t like the music anymore.  I have a cassette copy of Michael Jackson’s Thriller that had long ago been erased and taped over with other stuff.  When you couldn’t find a fresh blank tape to record on, you could just erase something else.  Everybody did it.  My friend Bob had a cassette of In Through the Out Door that he recorded over with us talking and goofing around!

For teenage highschool kids, cassettes were enough for our musical fixes.  A decent quality name brand tape could hold up to 110 minutes without stretching.   We used them to tape anything and everything.  (I have a tape with the sound of a friend’s dad taking a massive shit — no, I did not record it, they did!)  Since cassettes were re-recordable, that meant that every kid could even record their own music and become a rock star in his or her own basement.  You couldn’t do that with your fancy schmancy LPs, we all thought!  Don’t like your song?  Just rewind and record it again!  Those who didn’t play music could have their own fun, DJ’ing and and writing skits.  And let’s not forget about taping your friends’ albums.  Recording tape to tape would always result in excessive tape hiss, but kids didn’t seem to mind in the 1980’s.  We ignored the hiss.  It was something we considered part of the music, because we really never heard any music without hiss!

Although the flaws of cassettes are patently obvious today, in the 80’s we were just discovering these troubling issues for ourselves.  We overlooked the tape hiss, but it was harder to ignore speed issues.  The biggest problem that I had with cassettes was inconsistent speed.  Some tapes, especially those made by Polygram and EMI in Canada, seemed to have a lot of internal friction.   Grab a small screwdriver and open up an old cassette tape some time.  Inside you will find rollers, spindles, and bits and pieces all designed for the cassette tape to roll smoothly.  Whether they worked right always seemed to be a matter of random luck.  When friction inside caused the tape to run slow, it was immediately obvious.  The pitch would be noticeably lower, and often the tape would warble as your player tried to play it at normal speed, but fought against the friction.

On the other hand, sometimes the problems came down to your player.  Your tape deck had even more spindles and doo-dads to turn that tape around and around.  Those got dirty and worn out, too.  Sure, you could buy tape head cleaners and demagnetizers, but did they ever really have a noticeable effect on your listening experience?  Probably not.  I used to diligently clean the insides of my tape decks with lint-free cloths and isopropyl alcohol.  Although I could see black filth coming off the rollers when I cleaned them, the sound and speed never really improved.  It was always very frustrating when a tape would play fine on a friend’s deck, but went slow as molasses on your own.  My Sanyo went in for service and professional cleaning more than once, but that didn’t help either.

Although cassettes sounded like shit, and only got worse the longer you kept them, they did have a big advantage over CD for me, and that was portability.  I preferred cassettes in the car, up until fairly recently.  The reason for this was, working in the used CD store, I saw so many CDs that were just utterly destroyed by car CD players.  You don’t get that problem so much anymore, but in the 90’s and 2000’s, there were a lot of discs just annihilated by a lot of car decks. It didn’t seem to matter if the car player was a high-end stereo or a piece of crap.  People would bring their used CDs in to me, and ask me how they looked.  I’d usually ask, “Did you play this in a car deck?”  I could always tell.  Customers would ask me, “How did you know?”  Because the CD would be completely scratched, but always in perfect circles.  Some dirt clearly got into the car deck, and scratched up the discs as they were spinning.  Or, the disc was just scraping up against the internal workings of the car player as it spun.  Either way, the result was usually a CD that looks like a kid’s Spirograph drawing.

At least when playing a cassette in the car, those things could take a beating.  I only ever had one or two that were “eaten” by the player.  Compare that to the thousands of CDs that I saw destroyed by car decks over the years.

If life is a musical journey, then cassettes were my travelling companions for over a decade.  We had a necessary parting of ways, and now I am happy to stick to CD and flash drives when on the road!

#422: Sausagefest 2015 – The Complete Countdown (& some quick pics)

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Seb and LeBrain, this year’s videographers

RECORD STORE TALES MkII: Getting More Tale
#422: Sausagefest 2015 – The Complete Countdown

The annual trek to Sausagefest is centred upon the always epic Countdown.  There were many misadventures on the way to the Countdown, and after.  While I am sworn to abide by the credo “What happens at Sausagefest stays at Sausagefest,” I am also bound by my own nature as a storyteller.  Therefore, I can share with you a number of brief tidbits, hints, and insinuations.

Yes founder Chris Squire died only days before the Sausagefest countdown.  It was too late to include a tribute a Squire tribute into the countdown itself, so Tom and Uncle Meat sequenced about an hour of Squire’s best music to precede the actual countdown.  This was a promising hour, but upon hitting “play” on the laptop, it was immediately obvious that something was wrong.  We were only getting one channel.  Yes music, with its layers and wide stereo panning, turned out to be great music to test the four speakers.  Unfortunately it took almost all of the Squire-allotted time, seventeen men* and one record producer to figure out that all the muss was being caused by an RCA adapter somewhere.  We got two Squire songs, excellent as they were.

The Countdown this year was informally dubbed “The Greatest Songs of All Time”, because for the first time in years, the slate had been cleared and any and all songs were open for voting.  Because of this anything goes approach and some younger blood, we got to hear a lot of classic tunes that often are either overlooked or just not up for grabs.  I’m sure this was the first ever appearance of Boston on the countdown.  I can probably say the same for Foreigner.  These top ten hits are offset by more obscure favourites by Ian Thomas and UFO.

Now below, please analyse and enjoy the one and only OFFICIAL 2015 Sausagefest Countdown.  Every track was a winner.  I’ve highlighted songs I voted for (only two this year).

1 Battle Scar Max Webster/Rush
2 Shine on You Crazy Diamond^ Pink Floyd
3 Hallowed be Thy Name Iron Maiden
4 Working Man Rush
5 Sultans of Swing Dire Straits
6 La Villa Strangiato Rush
7 Eulogy for the Damned Orange Goblin
8 When the Levee Breaks Led Zeppelin
9 Natural Science Rush
10 A Day in the Life The Beatles/War mashup

^ The whole thing…parts I-IX.

Look at that majesty.  FOUR RUSH SONGS IN THE TOP TEN!

11 Fatso Forgetso Kyuss
12 Heaven and Hell Black Sabbath
13 Toronto Tontos Max Webster
14 Wish You Were Here Pink Floyd
15 Superstition Stevie Wonder
16 Rime of the Ancient Mariner Iron Maiden
17 Master of Puppets Metallica
18 End of my Daze Trouble
19 Papa Was a Rolling Stone The Temptations
20 The Trooper Iron Maiden
21 Ramble Tamble Creedence Clearwater Revival
22 War Pigs Black Sabbath
23 Penis Ground Groove Daddys
24 The Ocean Led Zeppelin
25 Stranglehold Ted Nugent
26 Sympathy for the Devil The Rolling Stones
27 Muffin Man Frank Zappa
28 Smokin’ Boston
29 Child in Time (Live ’72) Deep Purple
30 Aces High Iron Maiden
31 Into the Void Black Sabbath
32 25 or 6 to 4 Chicago
33 Machine Gun Jimi Hendrix/Band of Gypsies
34 Doctor Doctor UFO
35 Kashmir Led Zeppelin
36 Old Man Neil Young
37 Suite: Judy Blue Eyes CSNY
38 Illegal Smile John Prine
39 Testify Rage Against the Machine
40 Get Up Offa That Thing James Brown
41 Belzelboss Tenacious D
42 Emerald Thin Lizzy
43 Sweatleaf Black Sabbath
44 Tribute Tenacious D
45 Tres Brujas The Sword
46 I Black Sabbath
47 The Temples of Syrinx Rush
48 Space Oddity David Bowie
49 46 & 2 Tool


“Then I fuckin’ diddle-riddle-dee-doo.”

50 Monkberry Moon Delight Paul McCartney & Wings
51 39 Tenacious D
52 What is Hip? Tower of Power
53 Over the Hills and Far Away Led Zeppelin
54 The Mob Goes Wild Clutch
55 Better Living Through Chemistry Queens of the Stone Age
56 Mongoose Fu Manchu
57 Roadhouse Blues The Doors
58 Inside Looking Out Grand Funk Railroad
59 Hurt Johnny Cash
60 Don’t Stop Me Now Queen
61 Careful with that Axe Eugene Pink Floyd
62 The Chain Fleetwood Mac
63 Ophelia The Band
64 Jukebox Hero Foreigner
65 Fairies Wear Boots Black Sabbath
66 Where the Devil Don’t Stay Drive By Truckers
67 Fat Bottomed Girls Queen
68 Under Pressure Queen
69 Fools Overture Supertramp
70 The Pot Tool
71 Tempus Fugit Yes
72 Thunderstruck AC/DC
73 Green Eyed Lady Sugarloaf
74 Duke’s Travels Genesis
75 Red Hot Mama Funkadelic
76 Painted Ladies Ian Thomas
77 Down by the River Neil Young

Please note that double-shot of Queen, above!

Also note the presence of “Penis Ground” by the Groove Daddys (not to be confused with the Groove Daddies, or Groove Daddy).  This was a local trio fronted by guitarist and singer extraordinaire Rob Szabo.  I certainly didn’t expect anything that obscure making the list, considering the diversity of folks that attend.  To rank all the way up at #23?  That’s proof of the sheer quality of the music.  Indi enough for ya?

Once again, a huge thanks to Tom, Meat and everyone else for working so hard for us.  Thanks Craig Fee and Jeff Woods for your much-appreciated willingness to go above and beyond the call of duty.  And lastly thanks to Uncle Meat for being such a delightful travel-mate this year.  Enjoy some of these pictures from the weekend, official video still to follow!

The Setup:

The Live Bands:

The Fest:

The Aftermath:

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* I didn’t take a head-count, but I swear if it wasn’t seventeen guys trying to fix the thing, it was close.  It doesn’t really matter because more wouldn’t have helped!

#421: First It Steals Your Mind, Then It Steals Your Soul

RECORD STORE TALES MkII: Getting More Tale
#421: First It Steals Your Mind, Then It Steals Your Soul

Pop music:  love it or hate it, it does exist!

I have found myself briefly flirting with popular hit songs from time to time, but I find that the rush goes away fast.  You can be totally into a new song, only to be bored with it after hearing it dozens of times over a week or two.  Then, on to the next thing.  This is nothing new, that’s pop music for you.  But why do modern-day pop songs lack longevity?  Whether it’s Ke$ha, Katy Perry, Beyonce or One Direction, their songs are hook-laden and catchy.  Yet there’s nothing about them that sticks with you for long.  People don’t really carry around a Beyonce track for life like they do with a Led Zeppelin number.  Why?

Pop songwriters always try to hit the biggest possible audience.  That’s what they are paid to do.  As such, a lot of pop music ends up sounding very “neutral”.   The songs are vaguely catchy and lyrically bland so as to appeal to “everyone”.   That doesn’t seem to be enough for a song to stick forever.  Rather than try and make a pop song interesting, producers would rather throw in whatever sounds, beats and hooks are “in” right now.  Rather than do something new, they go for something familiar.  That’s what the masses go for – songs that sound like songs they already like.  As long as it’s not much longer than three minutes….

I’m speaking very generally now.  I know there is pop music out there that defies the pigeonholes that people often want their music slotted in.  I’m not talking about those songs.  I’m talking about the same damn beats, same damn words, and the same damn melodies that you hear every day.

How does today’s pop music steal your mind and soul?  Below, find some reasons:

1. Today, pop songs trick you into thinking an artist can really write, play and sing. A look at the credits shows that 18 writers from Sweden wrote that song, and got sued by 7 different writers from America for stealing it.  A computer fixed every missed beat and note.  The song was almost completely untouched by human hands.

2. The lack of innovation and exploration in pop music leads to stagnation. Just copy, copy, copy.  Have a hit with an idea similar to someone else’s.  There’s very little new out there.  How can you expect your mind and musical taste to grow by listening to the same damn song every day?

3. Faceless performers don’t have much ability or personality compared to the golden days of the 60’s. Back then, you knew when it was Aretha singing.  Today, you have to use an app on your phone to see if that was Katy Perry or Demi Lovato.  Listen to them sing live – they do a low sultry voice, and then belt it out on the choruses, aided and abetted by computers.  Sure, Demi has lungs, but her voice gets pretty thin when she’s reaching for notes without assistance.  Thankfully this is usually covered up by the screaming crowds of teen girls.

4. We’re long past the days of people like Michael Jackson being the King of Pop. Jackson, a talented writer, worked with one of the best producers in the world, Quincy Jones.  Together they worked hard and played hard to create real pop music with actual soul.  Who is left in the world of pop of that stature and talent?  Surely not Justin Timberlake.  Timberlake has never written anything with the soul of “Billie Jean”, not that I have heard anyway.

5. Pop music and pop culture have become so intertwined that they have formed a complex web of stupidity. Remember when Britney Spears said, “I think we should just trust our president in every decision that he makes and we should just support that”?  Pop stars today are saying even dumber things.  Witness this zinger from Ariana Grande about “cow tit pus”:

“In America, almost everybody thinks you need to have meat for protein. Protein, protein, protein! And what’s in dairy? Calcium, calcium, calcium. It’s those kinds of proteins that latch onto the insides of your blood stream and make it easier for you to have a heart attack. Look, cows produce milk with nutrients for cows. Maybe that’s why Americans end up looking like cows! Ultimately, no one wants cow tit pus in their food, do they?”

And don’t even get me started on Biebs, the Little Turd from Stratford.

And these reasons, dear friends, are only some of the ways that modern pop music can steal your mind and then steal your soul.  Stick to the classics, and beware!  A mind is a terrible thing to waste.

#420: Walk With Meat

RECORD STORE TALES MkII: Getting More Tale
#420: Walk With Meat

Everybody loves misheard lyrics!  “’Scuse me while I kiss this guy.”  There are entire books available with nothing but commonly misheard lyrics.  My dad used to think Gene Simmons was singing “a beach creature in the Ladies Room” on that Kiss classic from Rock N’ Roll Over.  Misheard lyrics can be embarrassing when caught singing along, but also fun.

Perhaps some lyrics are not misheard at all.  Perhaps some are intentional?

My good friend Uncle Meat pointed out a good one on Queenryche’s 1986 track “Walk in the Shadows”.  This opening song from the amazing Rage For Order album has remained a fan-favourite over the years.  Its progressive-rock-meets-technology vibe was very new for the time, though it was skeptically met by fans of pure guitar rock.  As much as Rage For Order broke new musical ground, it was also quite complex lyrically.  I even studied some of the songs (“Neue Regel”, “Chemical Youth”, and “Surgical Strike”) for a highschool English project.  But what was Geoff Tate saying in the lyrics?

What? You say you’re through with me,
I’m not through with you,
We’ve had what others might call love.

Only mildly disturbing.  Sounds like a clingy ex-lover who can’t face that his relationship is over.

You say it’s over now,
What’s done, what’s through?
You can’t stay away, you need me,
I need you.

Again, still clingy and slightly desperate.  Nothing of any depth or hidden meaning though.  It’s all right there on the page.  But wait….

Ow! You got to stay with me…(Walk with me)
Oooh! Walk in the shadows (Walk with MEAT),
Walk in the shadows (Walk with me),
Ahhh, yeah! Walk in the shadows, WOO! (Walk with MEAT),
Walk in the shadows (Walk with me),
Ah, ahh, ahhhhh! Walk in the shadows (Walk with MEAT),
Walk with me!

Listen to the end of the song.  You can clearly hear the “t” in “Meat” on every other line in the outro.  Clearly!  And notice how Geoff puts his emphasis and screams and fill-ins on the MEAT lines. He even threw in a “woo” there. How often do you hear Geoff Tate throwing “woos” into his lines? So what was Geoff Tate really trying to tell us on “Walk in the Shadows”?*

Analyzing the lyrics of the song, and digging into the album itself for more clues, I think I have finally figured out the true, hidden story behind “Walk in the Shadows” by Queensryche.  The technological theme takes us into the future.  That much is obvious from the album’s lyrics and concepts.  “I only dream infrared,” and all the high-tech artificial intelligence hints at a future that had not existed in 1986.  We are getting closer, but thankfully the robots haven’t revolted yet. Tate is obviously foretelling the future rather than singing about current events in 1986.

Some time in late ’85, when Geoff Tate was knee-deep in a vat of red wine, a bottle fell off his top shelf, hit him on the head and knocked him out cold.  He awoke in a future that is still far away, even for us in 2015.  The year is unknown – Geoff was still too loaded on wine to pick up a newspaper and read the date.  However one thing is known – the future will be dominated by Uncle Meat. Tate wandered this future landscape for some time, and witnessed things that no-one would believe. His only option was to hide these warnings in the lyrics of a concept album.  That album was Rage For Order.  “Walk in the Shadows” was the opening song.  That’s how Geoff Tate plays his cards — right there on the table.

“Walk in the shadows, walk with MEAT.”  Geoff had seen a glimpse of our planet’s glorious future.  Walk with him and you will see – the future is walking with MEAT.  You couldn’t get any clearer.  Once you hear that not-so-subtle “T” in “Meat”, the rest slowly reveals itself, like a puzzle with the edges already finished.

I for one welcome our new Meat overlord!

WALK WITH MEAT


 

* There is no evidence to suggest a connection to the Joey Tempest Conspiracy (TM).

*^ This  footnote is in no way an attempt to keep reminding you of the Joey Tempest Conspiracy (TM), in an effort to foreshadow future posts.

*^^ It actually is.

 

#418: Toilet Anxiety

RECORD STORE TALES MkII: Getting More Tale
#418: Toilet Anxiety

Some of us have, errrr,  a few personal hangups.  Perhaps you don’t like spiders, or snakes.  Many have a fear of confined spaces.  Others, myself definitely included, hate crowds.  A few lucky ones like me can tick off multiple boxes in the anxiety category.  A lot of people will nod and understand if you say you’re afraid of spiders, but nobody seems to understand my toilet anxiety!  Specifically, public toilets.

I’ve never liked public toilets, ever since I was a kid.  Someone in my family, a musician who shall remain anonymous, loves to try out every different kind of toilet around.  The first time she went on an airplane was an exciting moment for her.  She can’t wait for the days of spaceflight when she’ll get to take a 0-gravity dump.  She was always fascinated with that scene in 2001: A Space Odyssey, when Dr. Floyd is trying to figure out the instructions to the space toilet.

My debilitating toilet issue is that I just can’t perform if someone else is in the room.  I remember the year before we got married, Jen bought me Rush tickets for my birthday.  It was the Snakes & Arrows tour.  We had a whole evening planned including dinner at the Old Spaghetti Factory.  The restaurant was packed with Rush T-shirts.  I had to make a pit stop, but the washroom was wall-to-wall dudes in Rush shirts, peeing.  I found a urinal but could not squeeze a drop.  Not one drop.  I began to worry.  “What if I can’t go pee before Rush?  The washrooms there will only be worse.”

Without options I waited it out, and eventually the washroom completely emptied.  I was able to take one of the most relieving pisses in my entire life, all the while cursing my own idiotic hangups.

In some ways work toilets are even worse – at least where I work.  Here, people will likely to strike up a conversation with you, while doing their business.  It took me a while to get used to taking a dump at my current job.  Unfortunately, my toilet anxiety became publicly known.  After walking into the washroom, and then walking right out again, I was asked what was up so I explained that I have a toilet anxiety and I’d rather wait for the room to empty.  Embarrassing, yes, but I couldn’t come up with a better lie on the spot.  I’m a terrible liar.  So I outed myself as a Shy Shitter.

Since then, I have been pranked at the office numerous times.  Most often, someone just turns off the lights when I’m doing my thing.  Once, a pile of boxes was placed in front of the door while I was inside, forcing me to knock it all down to escape.

Once, I almost had a heart attack in there.  I was in the stall, doing my business, when somebody snuck into the washroom quietly.  I heard nothing. While I was sitting there reading my magazine, this person reached under the stall door, grabbed my feet, and tried to pull me off the seat!

Thankfully no mess was created, but I sure was given a shock!  You have to admit it was pretty funny, even though my public toilet fear only got worse in the short term!

#417: Tim-Toons!

RECORD STORE TALES MkII: Getting More Tale
#417: Tim-Toons! Brought to you by the makers of Brett-Lore!

Grade 10 was a great time – good music, good friends.  In Grade 10 I witnessed Rob Szabo blow the school away with a lunchtime performance of “YYZ” by Rush.  It was the talk of the school.  I remember sitting up there in science class after, talking about the band with the teacher Mr. Marrow.

Mr. Marrow (“Joe”, for unknown reasons – his name was Paul) was awesome.  Strict, but fascinating.  Made science interesting.  He did me a favour by appearing in my highschool music video for “Nothing But A Good Time”, as the pissed-off teacher.  Marrow was a moon landing skeptic, but refused to elaborate on his beliefs when pressed.  Like I said, a fascinating guy.

There was a kid in my science class named Tim, who quickly became known as “Pyro Tim” for turning on the gas for the Bunsen burners to see what would happen if you lit it directly from the tap.  “Pyro Tim” and I later went to University together majoring in History, and we had more hijinks there.

In second year, Tim and I were hanging out a lot outside of class.  We had a number of classes together including classic Greek and Roman history.  It was us and a pair of really, really attractive blonde girls named Lee and someone else.  (I can’t remember the other girl’s name — it was Lee I had a crush on.)  We had become an inseparable quartet in class.  We would study after class, or just hang out.  One afternoon post-class, we watched Monty Python (The Life of Brian) and Star Trek (“The Trouble With Tribbles”), just like stereotypical University students in the 1990’s.

One thing that tended to irritate the three of us about Tim was his knack for missing classes (particularly Monday or Friday mornings), and then ask to borrow our notes afterwards.   The ultimate moment of frustration was when he more or less copied an essay I wrote, and then got a better mark than me on it!  I couldn’t believe it!  He copied mine, made some changes and scored a better mark.  How was it possible?  Was he greasing the palms of the professors?  He definitely liked to talk their ears off after class, all dressed up in his shirt and tie.

The frustration boiled in us, but mostly me!  An old Klingon proverb says that “revenge is a dish best served cold.”  It is very cold in Canadian winters.

Another Friday came and went, with Tim a no-show in class.  So, we decided to sabotage him.  With the encouragement of my two friends, I took two sets of notes that day – one for me, and one for him.  I substituted the Greek names of historical figures with characters from the Beachcombers and Star Trek.  I made events up and did absolutely nothing that would have helped him.  He figured out my ruse and got someone else’s notes, and a better mark than me as usual!

All the rest of the guys from highschool that worked on Brett-Lore, our highschool rock-and-sci-fi comic book, had gone to different schools afterwards.  I was the only one left to carry on the legacy.  Enjoy these cartoons from my University days!*

TIM TOONS_0001

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TIM TOONS_0002

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* On the back of one sketch, I found music, lyrics, and titles that I was working on for song ideas.  They include “The Seven Hills of Rome”, “Cypselus the Tyrant”, (gee, I wasn’t listening to Iron Maiden a lot, was I?), “National Anthem From Some Weird Planet Nearby” (instrumental), and “Hypnotize You”.  For those last two, think Steve Vai and Skid Row respectively.

#415: B-Cards

BCARD

RECORD STORE TALES MkII: Getting More Tale
#415: B-Cards

One of the least practical formats that I saw during the Record Store Days was the B-Card CD.  A B-Card is the same as a CD-ROM, and works on any standard CD-ROM player, but was the size and shape of a business card.  The idea was that business people could order B-Cards instead of regular business cards.  This would be a striking alternative, in tune with the tech-savvy 90’s.  It was a way to appear on the cutting edge.

A B-Card could hold up to 100 MB of data.  The disc was rectangular, about 90mm x 55mm, but with a circular silver CD portion in the center of the disc.  The readable part of the card was smaller than even a 3” CD single.  You could still encode anything you wanted on the disc, from audio to video to slideshows and text.  Instead of handing someone a business card with your phone number on it, you could give them a card with that and a visual presentation of whatever you were selling.  From that point of view, it was a pretty inventive idea.

Where the B-Card failed was physical storage.  As any music fan knows, CDs scratch up very easily, especially when in physical contact with another material.  Plastic sleeves were the worst.  Nothing scratched plastic discs worse than plastic sleeves.  And guess what B-Cards often came packaged in?  Plastic sleeves.  There were larger plastic cases available, hinged to open and protect your precious B-Card, but nobody carried them because they were too thick for a wallet.

Lord of the Rings “Gollum” B-Card CD-ROM

I had one business man come into the Record Store with a scuffed up B-Card that no longer worked.  He asked me to fix it for him, but I could see easily with just a quick glance that it wouldn’t be possible.  The plastic sleeve had worn off the protective top layer of the CD in spots, creating massive top-scratches and pinholes.  When that happens, there’s nothing for the laser to read and it comes up with errors or skips.  He was very unhappy that his B-Card was toast.

I explained to him that it was the plastic sleeve itself that had ruined the card.  This did not make him happy.  I showed him how a CD should be properly stored (in a protective jewel case) and his response was “I’m not going to carry that around in my pocket!”  That was the first major flaw with the format.  It was small and portable, but not easy to keep safe without bulking up with a proper case.

The other problem with B-Cards was the rectangular shape.   This unusual shape meant that it might encounter problems being played.  The weight of the disc wasn’t evenly distributed.  You could not play them in many tray or slot-based readers.  They were the same idea as a shaped CD, which were popular novelty items at the time.  These came with warnings that they could not be played in all players due to the shape, and the ominous message that the manufacturer would not be responsible for any damaged equipment.

I’m glad that B-Cards have gone the way of the Dodo.  My mikeladano.com cards are printed on regular paper – and that’s fine by me!

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#414: Get the Firehouse!

RECORD STORE TAKES MkII: Getting More Tale
#414: Get the Firehouse!

Initially, I wanted to do a post called “Miscellaneous Mailings”, with all sorts of fan club and fanzine paraphernalia.  Once I started digging through said bags and boxes of postal  paraphernalia, I realized I had enough Kiss curiosities here just to do a post on them alone.

Canada’s Firehouse Magazine’s claim to fame was being the longest running Kiss fan club in world.  Based out of Surrey BC, I first became aware of Firehouse via Len, a customer of mine at the Record Store.  They had an actual mail order service where you could buy Kiss bootlegs, both audio and video.  That must have really chapped Gene’s ass.  We all know how much Gene likes fansites and fanzines….

Len gave me the Firehouse catalogue which I used to buy a live tape and some back issues.  There are plenty of cool things inside these books to drool over.  News about concert dates, new releases, chart positions and set lists were regular.  There are even exclusive interviews!  The Sept./Oct. 1996 issue features the Ace man himself!  I really like the personals ads in the back.  “Hey Kissexy female Kiss fans of all ages!  I will answer all!”

Other neat things I found in the bag o’ mail:  bumper stickers, an official Kiss catalogue, and the sales chart from Canada’s The Record magazine, showing Kiss’ Psycho-Circus debuting at #2 on the top retail albums!  The only thing that held it back was the Armageddon soundtrack, which jumped to #1 after 16 weeks on the charts.  Take a look for yourself, and bask in the nostalgia of a period that boasted such luminaries as Spice Girls and Backstreet Boys on the charts.

KISS KOLLECTIBLE_0001Lastly, and certainly not least:  an unsigned letter from “Gene Simmons” to my mom, who put the Kisstory II book on her credit card.  Gene was apologizing for a manufacturing delay that had caused the book to be several months late.  He assured my mom that her credit card would not be charged until the book shipped.  How kind of him!  I thought this was amusing, so I kept the letter!  I’m sure my mom appreciated hearing it from Gene personally.

Enjoy the treasures below from my bag o’ Kiss!

KISS KOLLECTIBLE_0005

#413: Just for the record, Meat’s gonna put it down (Guest shot)

RECORD STORE TALES MkII: Getting More Tale
#413: Just for the record, Meat’s gonna put it down

By special request of Aaron at the KMA, yesterday I ranked all the Marillion studio albums in order of preference (see #412: Just for the record, I’m gonna put it down).  It’s not an easy thing to do, because any band with two distinct phases (and lead singers) is going to have lovers and haters of both, as well as fans who can accept both equally.

During Sausagefest weekend 2015, I discussed my already-completed list with Uncle Meat, who also wanted to take part.  He has his own feelings about Marillion’s discography.  In fact he only listed six albums.  Meat is very much a “Phase One” fan, a follower of Fish who had a hard time accepting the changes that occurred after Seasons End.  It’s important to note that Seasons End was mostly written (musically) with Fish.  After that album, the band had to come up with new material for the new singer, and that is when they started to write very differently from before.  It’s not Steve Hogarth’s fault, in Meat’s eyes, just the way the band wrote for and with him.

Here are Uncle Meat’s top Marillion albums, without commentary.  He’s going top down:

MISPLACED1. Misplaced Childhood (1985)

CLUTCHING2. Clutching at Straws (1987)

FUGAZI3. Fugazi (1984)

SCRIPT4. Script For A Jester’s Tear (1983)

SEASONS5. Seasons End (1989)

6. Vigil In A Wilderness of Mirrors – Fish (1990)

How’s that for a “Big Wedge”? More Marillion tomorrow!