Getting More Tale #433.5 presents: A worldwide online event! THE TOP 15 ON THE 15th – Guest shot by Uncle Meat
This is an event spanning many sites and writers in the World Wide Web. I will link to as many as possible; my own Top 15 can be found here. A few months ago, the challenge was thrown down to all comers: List your top 15 albums of all time! The date September 15 was chosen for the deadline.
Uncle Meat laboured hard on his Top 15, eventually whittling it down from a list of 31 great records*. Without any commentary, here they are. His only requirement: No live albums.
15.Rust in Peace – Megadeth
14. Screaming For Vengeance – Judas Priest
13.Little Earthquakes – Tori Amos
12.Close to the Edge – Yes
11.Consolers of the Lonely – The Raconteurs
10.Clutching at Straws – Marillion
9.Reign in Blood – Slayer
8.Operation: Mindcrime – Queensryche
7.Whale Music – The Rheostatics
6.Misplaced Childhood – Marillion
5.Moving Pictures – Rush
4.Roxy and Elsewhere – Frank Zappa and the Mothers of Invention
3. Pet Sounds – The Beach Boys
2.Hemispheres – Rush
1.El Corazón – Steve Earle
* For shits and giggles, here are the rest of The Meat’s albums that didn’t make the final cut.
Oh, how I loathe lists! Readers seem to love “Top Whatever” lists; different kinds, but I sure do hate making them.
However, I don’t like doing things in half-measures either. So for this, the Top 15 on the 15th, I’ve gone one step beyond. Not only do you get my Top 15 on the 15th, but also a list of the Top 15 tracks to listen to from these 15 amazing albums.
As of today, here are my Top 15. These will change periodically, probably tomorrow, and again the day after. See why I hate lists? In the end I decided that I wanted to fairly represent some of my favourite artists. But enough whining from me — let’s rock. Spin these little bastards for a good time!
15. Judas Priest – Hell Bent for Leather (Killing Machine)
14. Max Webster – A Million Vacations
13. Queen – News of the World
12. Alice Cooper – School’s Out
11. The Beatles – The Beatles (The White Album)
10.Thin Lizzy – Johnny the Fox
9. Led Zeppelin – Houses of the Holy
8. Johnny Cash – At San Quentin
7.Faith No More – Angel Dust
6. Rush – Moving Pictures
5.Van Halen – 1984
Let’s stop here for a moment. The thing about my top albums list is, the top four never change. Four of these five albums have been in my top five for a long as I can remember making lists for. The order may change, but that top four have been my top four, forever. They are indelibly heat-stamped onto my grey matter. These are as much a part of me as my left arm!
4.Iron Maiden – Piece of Mind
3. Kiss – Hotter Than Hell
2.Deep Purple – Fireball
1.Black Sabbath – Born Again
Right there are 15 incredible collections of music, both studio and live. But let’s not fool ourselves. Nobody is going to listen to all 15 of those albums just because some guy on the internet who goes by the name of “LeBrain” said so. I have chosen to distill these 15 amazing records down into 15 key tracks. I’m sure nobody needs an introduction to the big hits, so here are tracks you may not have heard. If you have ever cared about rock music, then you need to listen to these Top 15 Songs from the Top 15 Albums, on the 15th!
1. Rush – “Vital Signs”
2. Black Sabbath – “Disturbing the Priest”
3. Queen – “It’s Late”
4. Iron Maiden – “Where Eagles Dare”
5. The Beatles – “Dear Prudence”
6. Johnny Cash – “San Quentin”
“If any of the guards are still speakin’ to me, can I get a glass of water?”
7. Led Zeppelin – “The Ocean”
8. Thin Lizzy – “Massacre”
9. Alice Cooper – “Gutter Cat vs. the Jets”
10. Deep Purple – “Fools”
11. Iron Maiden – “Revelations”
12. Judas Priest – “The Green Manalishi (With the Two-Pronged Crown)”
13. Alice Cooper – “My Stars”
14. Queen – “Spread Your Wings”
15. Deep Purple – “No No No”
Astute readers will realize that one singer appears on two albums. Ian Gillan was fronting Black Sabbath in ’83 for Born Again, and of course is best known as Deep Purple’s lead howler. Does this double appearance make Ian Gillan the greatest rock vocalist of all time? No. But the greatest does appear, with Queen on News of the World – Freddie Mercury!
RECORD STORE TALES MkII: Getting More Tale #432: The Complaint Department
When I run out of fresh things to talk about, that’s when it’s time to go digging through the LeBrain HQ archives! This time I’ve retrieved some comments from the Complaint Department!
Complaint #1: “You don’t review enough new releases!”
Yes, yes I know. This is a rut I’m stuck in. I like to spend some serious alone time with an album before I’m comfortable releasing a full-on review. By the time I get the album (usually a Japanese import or whatever version has bonus tracks) and give it a fair listen, it’s rarely a new release anymore! I prefer to review a physical CD whenever possible. This is so I can read the lyrics, the liner notes, and show you pictures of the physical product. It’s also so I can hear it in full CD quality sound.
I’d love if more contributors would step up and review some new releases for me. Unfortunately most of my former contributors now write for their own sites! Think you have what it takes to put your opinion on the internet for no money and no recognition? Drop me a line!
Complaint #2: “How come you haven’t reviewed any Creed?”
This is being worked on. Watch this space.
Complaint #3: “You post articles just to poke the bear.”
This is partly true. When I have something negative to say about music, I try to do it in a funny way. Well, you know about the internet and humour — sometimes things can be taken the wrong way. (I know you’re surprised.) Plus, I’m not that funny. If I’m out of line, you can go ahead and tell me so. Let’s have some friendly, adult musical discussions. When I’m on a roll, it’s just for a laugh and so we have something to discuss, so let’s do it! Just keep it civil. No name calling.
Complaint #4: “In your Record Store Tales, you make yourself out to be the hero of the story and everyone else like buffoons. Then, you made yourself the victim at the end.”
Really? You think the guy who shit his pants in the store is the hero and not a buffoon himself? Well OK then! I can’t help how people read the stories with their own interpretation. I was no hero, I was a big zero. Zero the Hero! I messed up too, quite royally in some cases, like the time some kid stole our “free CD” stamper on my watch. All of this was on my performance reviews. They transferred me from one store to another because my sales were way down and I was having problems controlling my staff. I don’t think the bosses were buffoons. How could I knock somebody who has created a business that has lasted 25 years and counting? I just think I was taken advantage of, after years of being the nice-guy yes-man. Spoogecakes used to refer to me as the owner’s “lackey”, but nobody wants to be the lackey forever. I have admitted that I was depressed and despondent in the last years. If I have committed any sins, it’s that I didn’t assert myself, or get out of there sooner. That’s my fault. I was too afraid of my bosses to stand up for myself.
Complaint #5: “You talk about heavy metal too much, and not enough about other great artists that you may be missing out on.”
True! I write what I know best, but we do need to get more variety of quality music up here. We need to get more artists represented, although I’ve covered a sampling of country, jazz and and classical before. This is a challenge I accept. Look forward to more branching out in the future!
I began writing Record Store Tales about 15 years ago. In the time between then and now, a lot of the earlier chapters were cut. One that did not make it was called “Persecution I”. This was some background material, on what it was like growing up as a heavy metal kid in a Catholic school.
Hint: it wasn’t fun.
Now that Record Store Tales is finished, I can revisit some of these old stories.
Grades 7 and 8 were essentially just two years of waiting to finally graduate and get the hell out of there. The bullies were relentless and nasty. I also had the worst teacher for both years. Her method of discipline was to humiliate students in front of the class. This woman was the definition of strict. I still talk to some people from grades 7 and 8, and they seem to remember the teacher the same way I do. She was unpleasant and mean.
It was always difficult when a kid like me showed up on the first day of class looking different than they did before summer holidays began. I didn’t realize that. I thought people might think I was pretty cool all of a sudden, showing up in my brand new Judas Priest T-shirt.* My grandpa had also given me this camouflage army hat, to which I affixed my favorite rock buttons of Iron Maiden.
The problem with my new look was, the kids who did like heavy metal before had suddenly abandoned the greatest music of all time, in favour of New Wave bands. Where Ian Johnson had previously been boasting about how awesome this new band called Metallica were, suddenly he had grown a rat tail and gone New Wave. He mocked me as hopelessly behind the times. He even had the sack to make fun of me for liking W.A.S.P. when he used to like W.A.S.P. more than I did. I had counted on him as a metal ally, but he was no longer. He joined the rest of the crowd in mocking me.
On the first day back, the teacher walked up to me and pointed to my Priest shirt.
“What does that say?”
I thought she was referring to the small writing at the bottom.
“It says ‘Rock Hard Ride Free’,” I answered.
“No up here! What does that say?”
“It says Judas Priest,” I said, starting to realize maybe she was offended by the “Judas” part.
“Well I never!” she began with her rant. “In all my years I have never seen anyone wear something so disgusting in my classroom. Do you even know what that means?”
I was really upset and confused. “It’s just the name of a band.”
“No it is not! My father used to say that when he was very, very angry. That is a very distasteful phrase. I won’t have those words in my classroom.” I could hear the chuckles of the other kids as she tore into me some more. “I don’t understand it,” she continued. “You should not be wearing that filth. What is the matter with you?”
The same teacher liked to tell us that we were “the worst, most ill-behaved class” she had ever taught. I think she just said that every year.
I knew that the words “Judas” and “Priest” had obvious religious connotations, but how was I to know that it was once considered a “swear”? Nobody in my family said it. My dad was more blunt in his swearing – “shit”, “fuck”, “damn” and so on. None of this esoteric “Judas Priest” nonsense. When my dad swore he went all in. I was completely ignorant, and innocent of any wrongdoing.
Needless to say, I never wore that shirt to school again. I still have it, as it’s an important part of my metal upbringing. It was clear that my teacher wasn’t impressed, and the fact that it was the T-shirt of a metal band didn’t do me any favours. If it wasn’t a hymn, then it probably wasn’t worth singing to her.
Harassment continued to the bitter end. Inside one of the cabinets in the classroom, somebody had stuck a Kiss sticker on the back of one of the doors. It looked like it had been there since the 1970’s, and it probably had been. However I was the only kid in that school in 1985 who liked Kiss, so I was screwed one way or another. As the rest of the class howled, “Mike put it there! He’s the only one who likes Kiss!” I just knew I could not win.
There was one incident that is so surreal that I’m not even sure it actually happened anymore. My memories of it are clear, but I it seems so weird and unlikely. I’m willing to accept the possibility that it never happened at all, and might just be a very vivid dream from back then that has been mis-remembered as an actual event. It’s not impossible, but unless someone else confirms the memory I’m not willing to stand behind this as fact. I’m including it anyway. If anything it illustrates how the whole era felt to a metalhead in a Catholic school.
In my memory it was a chilly, damp fall morning. We were out at recess. The schoolyard was bordered by a gravel pathway now known as the Dom Cardillo trail, named after the beloved former Kitchener mayor, who died in 2013. Parked on the pathway was a white van, and a small crowd of kids was gathered around it. Curiosity must have got the better of me so I went over to see what was going on.
Inside the van were two men, who were preaching the evils of drugs and heavy metal. According to these two guys, the two went hand in hand. Stay away from drugs, and stay away from metal. If you listen to heavy metal, you will be drawn into an evil web of drugs and alcohol, said the two men to the crowd.
This is an assumption that has always pissed me off: metal = drugs. Or metal = evil. Especially among the Catholic crowd, this was the way of thinking. These folks had never bothered to actually listen to the music and lyrics. When Gene Simmons sang in 1981, “I don’t need to get wasted, it only holds me down,” he was being sincere. “All I need is a will of my own, and the balls to stand alone. I believe in me.” Even taken at face value, however, these words did not jibe with what we were being taught in school. We were not taught to exercise our own free will, and to stand on our own. We were told to stand with God, and follow His will. I don’t believe life is that simple. We have brains for a reason and we must use them to do what we believe to be right, for ourselves and for the world around us. Encouraging us to think for ourselves was not in the school curriculum. I gave myself enough credit to know the difference between good and bad. If the music made me feel good, made me feel stronger and more confident, and didn’t hurt anyone, then what was the problem? It probably didn’t help my cause that a lot of rock lyrics encouraged rebellion against authority figures.
The two guys in the van asked the crowd, “Does anyone here listen to heavy metal music?”
Before I knew it, the kids laughed and pushed me to the front of the crowd. I fought against them but I found myself at the front, facing the two guys in the van. The kids were shouting, “He does! He does!”
Face to face with the disapproving guy in the driver’s seat of the van, he asked me, “So you listen to heavy metal?”
“Yes,” I answered quietly.
“So you do drugs then?” he responded.
“No!” I protested, “I don’t do drugs!”
“But you listen to heavy metal music,” responded the man, as if one equaled the other.
I had enough and pushed my way out of the crowd again. I could hear all the laughing behind me. I walked away as fast as I could without looking like I was running. Here I was being branded a druggie based on the music I listened to.
These events happened 30 years ago, and the van incident does not feel real. It feels more like a dream and I’ll probably never know if it really happened or not. It seems too weird to have really happened, but you never know. It’s not impossible, just surreal.
Grade 8 ended on a final, humiliating note. We were all supposed to choose which highschool we wanted to go to. The expectation was that we were to attend the Catholic school. Three or four of us did not, and applied to the public school Grand River Collegiate. That was obviously going to be my escape route. It was a way to get away from the nasty kids who tormented me every day, but it certainly wasn’t teacher approved. She was not happy, at all.
She had already told the entire class that whoever didn’t attend the annual Mount Mary religious retreat would end up on drugs, dead, or both. “Every student I ever had who did not go to Mount Mary grew up to do drugs, or killed themselves,” she told us. Hooray for religious retreats, where music and music-related T-shirts were not allowed.
The day that she handed out our acceptance papers for the highschools, she took one last scornful shot at me. “Shame on you!” she scolded in front of the class. “Not going to St. Jerome’s high school just so you can be with your friends,” she continued. “Shame on you.”
This time, I didn’t care. School was so close to being over it didn’t matter. In a few weeks, she’d have no power over me anymore. There was nothing she could say or do to ever humiliate me again. The bullies would be gone too, off to their own school while I had the chance to make new friends. I wouldn’t have to feel ashamed of the T-shirts I wore, or the bands I liked.
My poor sister had another four years of that school to go, which she dubbed the “Hell Hole” (based on the Spinal Tap song of the same name). Any time we drove by, she’d sing, “Livin’ in a hell hole…” She even ended up with the same damn teacher, who hadn’t changed a bit. When my sister struggled in math, she was publicly chided in class. “Your father is a banker!” shouted the teacher. “How can you not do math? Shame on you!”
There is no shame. Be proud of who you are. Believe in yourself!
I was so frightened I almost ran away I didn’t know that I could do Anything I needed to
And then a bolt of lightnin’ Hit me on my head Then I began to see I just needed to believe in me
Then I, I believe in me And I, I believe in somethin’ more Than you can understand Yes, I believe in me
Then I, I believe in me And I, I believe in somethin’ more Than you can understand Yes, I believe in me
They said, “I didn’t stand a chance” I wouldn’t win no way But I’ve got news for you There’s nothin’ I can’t do
Ain’t no pretendin’ Ain’t no make believe But I’ve got to be the one I gotta do what must be done
Then I, I believe in me And I, I believe in somethin’ more Than you can understand Yes, I believe in me
Then I, I believe in me And I, I believe in somethin’ more Than you can understand Yes, I believe in me I believe in me Yes, I believe in me, yeah
I don’t need no money I don’t need no fame, no I just need to believe in me And I know most definitely
Don’t need to get wasted It only holds me down I just need a will of my own And the balls to stand alone
‘Cause I, I believe in me And I, I believe in somethin’ more Than you can understand Yes, I believe in me
I believe in me I believe in somethin’ more Than you can understand Yes, I believe in me
Yes, I believe in me Yes, I believe in me Yes, I believe in me
RECORD STORE TALES MkII: Getting More Tale #430: Album Art – Where can it go?
How important is album artwork today? Still important, I’d argue, though not as much as it was in the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s. You can tell that artwork is still important, because every major artist produces “cover art” any time they release a single, even if there is no physical product for it to be applied to. Artists will commission art or pose for expensive new pictures to accompany the new music.
Columbia Records kicked off the era of album artwork in 1938, a full decade before the birth of the LP. Columbia’s art director Alex Steinweiss is generally credited with the introduction of packaging art. Before him, 78’s used to come in plain sleeves with very little printing on them. Some sleeves would have large holes in the middle, through which you could read the label on the record. After the dawn of the LP, the rest of the record manufacturers in the world had caught up and were using artwork on their LPs in the 1950’s. The standard size was 12 – 3/8”.
When you think of Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band today, you inevitably picture that incredible album artwork as well as the songs. That cover, with its 57 different distinct figures pictured, became a high water mark. They also included cardboard cutouts inside, a gimmick that Kiss were eager to copy and make their own. Sgt. Pepper’s artwork cost 60 times more to create than the average album cover in 1967! It took a band with the success of the Beatles to push the limits in this way.
The Rolling Stones included postcards in their Exile on Main Street (another unforgettable album cover), but they also brought album artwork into three dimensions. Sticky Fingers featured a working metal zipper, with which you could open the jeans on the front cover, to reveal briefs inside. It was a level of interactivity previously unseen. The zipper tended to cause damage to the records and packaging in shipment, but pioneering is a process of trial and error!
Early 90’s CD reissue of Sticky Fingers with zipper
Perhaps Led Zeppelin took LP artwork to its end point, with 1979’s In Through the Out Door. The record was concealed in a sealed, stamped paper bag that looked like a cheap bootleg, but inside would be one of six different album covers. You would not know which you got until you tore it open. The Grammy award winning packaging also included an inner sleeve that one could paint on, just by adding water! If you wet a paintbrush (or anything, for that matter), you could dissolve paint embedded in it and colour it yourself. Finding an original unpainted inner sleeve is the goal of a true collector.
Historically speaking, album artwork like this had several purposes. The first and most obvious would be to identify the product inside (something Led Zeppelin messed with by not including their name on Led Zeppelin IV). The second purpose was to attract the eye, in the crowded shelves of the record store. It was noted by many that a brown cover just melted into the background. Something striking would jump out, and be hard to miss in the racks. Another job of the cover art was to tie together all the related marketing for the LP. The artwork could appear in magazine ads, posters, and later on, in music videos.
The purpose of cover art that Kiss embraced was to give value for the money. Not only did you get killer artwork with loud rock and roll inside, but you also got a cardboard Love Gun, or even masks you could cut out and wear. Fans drooled over these extras. For a while, any time Kiss put out an album, you knew that the packaging would be special. For albums such as Destroyer and The Elder, they even used gatefold sleeves – an added, unnecessary expense for single LP packages.
Album artwork suffered in the 80’s and 90’s. With cassettes and ultimately CDs replacing the 12.375” width of an album cover, the pictures were smaller and less striking. You could not pack as much information onto a 4.75” CD sleeve. Iron Maiden’s artist Derek Riggs was known for hiding secret messages and logos in his album covers, including a mischievous “Indiana Jones was here” and “Wot, no Guinness?” inside Powerslave. These touches are lost on smaller CD covers.
There is no question that the majority of cover art suffered in the 90’s. Some bands and labels still strove to give the buyer some extra value, but the canvas was now teeny tiny. Tool are an example of a band who took advantage of the CD age. Their AEnema CD had lenticular, “moving” cover art, thanks to a special jewel case that enabled 3D images. You could even swap images by folding the booklet differently, and get a different moving scene. Kiss copied this, less successfully, for Psycho-Circus in 1998. Coloured plastic jewel cases were another way to get some attention on the CD racks. Bands such as Alice in Chains and Collective Soul used coloured jewel cases for their self-titled albums in 1995, but these were fragile and prone to scratching. The cardboard digipack was another method to enhance CD cover art, but they were not popular with everyone. Some consumers complained that the covers wouldn’t fit properly into their CD towers, and would scratch up the discs if poorly designed. And then of course, we had artists such as Garth Brooks who decided to milk the fans by releasing the same album with different cover art, encouraging them to “collect them all!” His Double Live had no less than seven covers to collect. That would come to well over $150 total for the collector who had to have each one.
LPs are currently having a second surge of popularity. Will it last? No. Before you cry “heresy!”, remember that in today’s society, convenience is king. That means portability. Vinyl LPs are meant to be enjoyed at home. The future will remain digital, although LPs will probably never die completely. The advent of digital music has reduced the importance of cover art yet again. You don’t need a cover, obviously, to enclose something that does not physically exist. Yet, cover art is still being made.
Some have chosen to take cover art in the digital age to minimalist extremes. U2’s Songs of Innocence was initially released digitally, with a very plain photo of a white LP sleeve with “U2” stamped on it. Kanye West embraced minimalism on Yeesus, releasing the CD with no packaging to speak of at all. A CD housed in a clear jewel case, sealed by a strip of orange tape, and a sticker with some credits – that’s all Yeesus gave us, surprising many by not going completely over the top with it. It’s still an artistic statement, but is it the kind of art that a fan will embrace and cherish?
I feel that album artwork is currently in a state of flux. LPs are having their moment again, and with them, lavish packaging that one can handle and enjoy. On the other hand, simple digital pictures are all kids need today, to be attached to their mp3 files. I hope that some enterprising, artistic individual, a modern day Alex Steinweiss, will innovate and bring back cover art in a lasting way. I sure hope, because I do like cover artwork to accompany my music.
RECORD STORE TALES MkII: Getting More Tale #429: “What kind of music do you like?”
Have you ever spent a little bit of time trying to get to know somebody new that you were interested in romantically? Probably, unless you have people throwing themselves at you like little girls at a Bieber concert. I’m sure most of us have made that small talk, when first making someone’s acquaintance. Nowadays it’s often done in email. Routine questions and the like.
You know the typical subjects, when you just meet somebody. Do you like pets? Do you like to travel? What’s your favourite food? (My answers always were: 1. Yes, 2. No, and 3. Anything that swims.)
The most difficult question of them all, the one that I could go on and on and on about was: “What kind of music do you like?”
What kind of music do I like?? How many hours do we have???
How do I answer that question? How do you answer that question?
It’s also a bit of a loaded question. I learned early in life that if I answered simply “Heavy Metal”, that was a dealbreaker with a lot of girls! I’m sure things are a lot different today. I remember my buddy Bob telling me, “This girl at work said she’d go out with me, if I didn’t listen to rock.”
I used to try and keep my answers short. When a person is just starting to get to know you, they don’t necessarily want an essay-form answer to a simple question. “What kind of music do you like?” I refused to answer “everything” because when most people say they like “all music”, 99% of the time, it’s not true. I’ve certainly dated people who claimed to like “all” music, but didn’t seem to enjoy anything I picked in the car….
Keeping things simple, I used to try to answer the music question in the following ways:
1.“Anything with guitars”.
I stopped using that one early because frankly it’s not true. Ben Folds Five didn’t use guitars. I have jazz and classical music without guitars. And there’s lots of music out there with guitars that just plain sucks!
2.“Anything that rocks”.
I thought, “Hey, that’s better than my other answer. Lots of music rocks. Even electronic music can rock.” But it doesn’t really answer the question, does it? It’s a subjective answer. It’s like answering, “Anything good.”
I had one really, really annoying customer at the Record Store one afternoon. She wanted some new music to listen to. It didn’t have to be “new” new, just new to her. When asked what kind of music she liked, she just answered, “Good music.”
She kept us running around for the next hour, trying to find CDs in the store that she would like. She would sit and try them on the listening station. She sampled the discs that we picked for her to try, and just answer, “I didn’t like these.” We asked again, is there anything specific you’re looking for? “I just like good music,” she answered, clearly as frustrated as we were.
My getting-to-know-you answer evolved into the following:
3.“I buy CDs from every section of the music store, but my favourites usually have loud guitars.”
Honest, true and short. And hopefully from that answer the young lady knew what she was getting into with me!
Did you used to get that question? How did you answer it? Leave a comment!
“Heavy metal, hard-core, punk, pop, or thrash. You can call it anything it don’t matter to me. Call it what you want. It’s all music to me.”
RECORD STORE TALES MkII: Getting More Tale #428: Seven Years Ago Today…
Happy Anniversary to the lovely Mrs. LeBrain, who is still putting up with my shit today!
For seven whole years now, she’s been trying to convince me that I’m a snorer. I kept telling her, “Video, or it didn’t happen.” Even though she told me I can shake the windows, I refused to believe.
Until today.
Sausagefester Sebastien Xavier Meunier has provided the video proof above, recorded this year at Sausagefest 2015. That is my tent. And that, apparently, is my snore.
I love you Mrs. LeBrain. I won’t ever doubt you again. Today, you win!
“Michael Bay is the Nickelback of movies.” — Mrs. LeBrain
RECORD STORE TALES MkII: Getting More Tale #427: I Do Want to Miss This Thing
Blame Michael Bay.
Quite possibly the worst movie director of all time may be responsible for the downfall of Aerosmith. I’m not talking about the “Falling in Love (Is Hard on the Knees)” music video, which he directed. No, that was not the downfall. In fact quality-wise, Nine Lives was a bit of an up-tick from Get A Grip. It’s too bad that sales didn’t match (2 million sold U.S. vs. 7 million U.S.), but that’s the fickle finger of fate. The tastes of the public seldom make a perfect match with hard rock quality.
Since Nine Lives would have been considered a bit of a sales disappointment in some camps, it probably didn’t take Steven Tyler much coercing to do a Diane Warren ballad for a movie soundtrack. Of course, Tyler’s daughter Liv was the headline actress in the flick, so from that standpoint it was a once in a lifetime opportunity for them to work on the same project. Unfortunately for the world, that project was Armageddon. Not quite as bad as a real meteor heading to Earth, this Michael Bay stinker made so much money, that some reports suggest that Bay wallpapered his 43 bedroom mansion entirely in Benjamin Franklins. There’s that problem with the tastes of the masses, again.
So Bay, aided and abetted by Bruce Willis, Billy Bob Thorton, and Steve fucking Buscemi, laid this turd of a movie and all it needed was a turd soundtrack. As for what happened next, Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader 2015 desktop calendar* has the answer:
For many fans, this was the beginning of the end of Aerosmith. Some truly dreadful music followed “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing”, such as Just Push Play and (ewww) “(It) Feels So Good”. Can Aerosmith be redeemed? I don’t know the answer to that.
What I do know this is, and it’s quite simple.
If Michael Bay didn’t make this damned movie, Aerosmith wouldn’t have had this damned million selling single!
Message to Michael Bay: Stay away from things I like!
* These things are brilliant and I recommend them to anyone who does not have a stunted sense of humour!
RECORD STORE TALES MkII: Getting More Tale #426: The History of the Holy Grail
I don’t know when I started referring to this list as my “Holy Grail” items, but the idea is simple. I wanted to create a wishlist of musical items that would be my ultimate, most sought after records and CDs. For example, there is a rare Iron Maiden EP calledLive!! +one. It was released in Japan in 1980, and featured two exclusive recordings still unavailable anywhere else: “Sanctuary” and “Drifter” from the Marquee show. In 2014, I found a copy in Mississauga. Should I have bought it? It was $100. It was not in the budget that time. Will I ever see it again?
Those are the kinds of things I’m referring to as Holy Grails. The kinds of things that you see only ever one or twice in your time as a fan. When you find a Holy Grail item, how much are you willing to pay? I paid $300 for a copy of the rare live album marillionrochester on eBay. I don’t think I’ll ever do that again though. That was a once in a lifetime buy. (Only 2000 copies of it were ever made, which were sent directly to fans who donated to their 1997 American tour fund. It will never be reissued.)
In the digital age, curating a Holy Grail list has never been easier. My solution today is simple. I have entrusted my Holy Grail list to Aaron over at the KeepsMeAlive site. There, he has created (and continues to update) several bloggers’ personal lists as the Master Grail Search List. Using this list from our smartphones, we have hunted for items for others, too. The increased range provided by the Master Grail Search List has resulted in a couple scores.
While searching one of my hard drives, I discovered what is probably the very first Grail list I ever made, and it is over 10 years old now. Apparently I wasn’t calling it a Grail list yet (like I said, I don’t know when we started using that term), but below is my 2005 “Ultimate All-Time Want List”. I have since found a number of these…but have also added many more to my list! Check out the list, with added notes from today in [red].
Date: 2005/06/11
ULTIMATE ALL-TIME WANT LIST
To be modified and added to periodically.
In no particular order:
KISS – Chikara (CD or LP)
[I should have bought this whenI had the chance in ’96 at Dr. Disc in Hamilton! I blew it.]
marillion – Web Christmas 1998 CD
marillion – Web Christmas 1999 CD
[Still missing these two. I’ve downloaded them from their official site, which is nice, but not as nice as an original CD.]
Metallica – The 5 1/2 Year Anniversary Box Set LP
[Saw this one at Flying Monkey Music in Waterloo in 1997, priced around $120. I should have bought it. Scott, ourHeavy Metal Overlord has a copy, but he is also apparently immune to my Jedi mind tricks.]
Tommy Shaw – Girls With Guns CD
[Hahaha, what!? I don’t remember wanting this!]
[I mean, sure, I’ll take it, I like that one song…it’s a great music video too, all one continuous shot with no edits…but the CD is certainly not a Holy Grail item anymore!]
KISS – Alive III (Japanese CD)
[No longer needed, since the release of Kiss’ comprehensiveAlive! 1975-2000 box set!]
Iron Maiden – “Wasting Love” (CD single)
Iron Maiden – “Hallowed Be Thy Name” (CD single)
Motley Crue – Generation Swine (limited edition Japanese with bonus track “Song To Slit Your Wrist By”)
[FOUND,FOUND, andFOUND! All of these came from eBay. None were cheap, but I had a budget threshold for each under which I was willing to pay.]
ZZ Top – Chrome Smoke & BBQ (limited edition CD box set)
[FOUND, quite easily, and very soon after I made this original list. I just went down to Best Buy and bought it. Hey, sometimes it’s the simple way.]
KISS – Instant Live CDs (ALL of them)
[Threehave been FOUND! I would still love “all” of them, but I’m not made of money!]
I’m actually surprised to see so many items crossed off this decade-old list! Surprised, and pleased. I know how much I wanted some of these items, such as those Iron Maiden CD singles. That Motley Crue import also dogged me for years.
The internet helped me gain access to many of these. It has also broadened my realization of what lay in the nooks and crannies of a band’s discography. When I made this list 10 years ago, I didn’t even know about Maiden’s Live!! +one EP. I didn’t know that the same band’s Best of the Beast 6 LP box set had one exclusive bonus track (“Revelations” live) that was tucked away unnoticed. As I have crossed items off my list, two more sprang forth in their place!
RECORD STORE TALES MkII: Getting More Tale #425: The Soup Nazi
One of the classic, most popular antagonists from the old TV show Seinfeld is the Soup Nazi . This character, the proprietor of a busy, highly rated soup joint in Manhattan, was eccentric to say the least. The Soup Nazi had strict rules about lining up and ordering your soup.
Jerry: “There’s only one caveat. The guy who runs the place is a little temperamental, especially about the ordering procedure. He’s secretly referred to as the Soup Nazi.”
Elaine: “Why? What happens if you don’t order right?”
Jerry: “He yells and you don’t get your soup.”
That’s right! Deviate from procedure, and there’s no soup for you! Jerry continues:
Jerry: “As you walk in the place, move immediately to your right. The main thing is to keep the line moving. It’s very important not to embellish on your order. No extraneous comments. No questions. No compliments.”
As it turned out, George complained about some forgotten bread. He was given a refund and had his soup taken away! “No soup for you!” Elaine ended up with a one year ban! The only Seinfeld character with whom the Soup Nazi seems to have an understanding is Kramer. “You suffer for your soup,” says Cosmo Kramer. “You demand perfection from yourself, from your soup.”
I have always had a…what’s the word?…not admiration, but something like that…for the Soup Nazi. Envy, perhaps. Not for his gruff demeanor. Not for his rude reactions to people. Not for a badass moustache. Just for his demand…nay!…his expectation on a nice, quiet orderly line. I like order.
LeBrain at the counter, circa 1998, going through a box of discs.
You might be surprised to learn that a used CD store can have a very, very busy counter area. It’s quite easy for things to go sideways if you’re not on top of them. The used CD store was a place in which you’re performing multiple duties simultaneously. While you are buying a pile of 50 CDs (which you have organized meticulously by condition and offering price), you could also be looking up inventory for someone else, and doing a sale for someone else. Is that the phone ringing?
On a busy day, I could have several piles of discs that I’m buying from customers, and also a few more piles that customers want to buy, but have set aside while they look around some more. It can get very confusing very quickly if there is not order.
Back in Part 274 of Record Store Tales, we took a look at a type of customer I dubbed the “Hawks”. These are folks with a lot of CDs to sell. They were the most annoying customers in the world: sellers who just want to hang out at the front counter, watch what you’re doing, and chat. They are completely oblivious to the concept of other people. They don’t realize there is someone else behind them who is trying to buy something, while they lean and take up all the counter space themselves. The Soup Nazi didn’t put up with that.
Since I wasn’t a Soup Nazi (and had bosses who could fire me and stuff), I would just politely (as I could manage) tell the guy that he has a line forming behind him, and could he please move off to the side? I’d encourage them to go and get a coffee and come back later if I was going through a lot of CDs for them.
Even worse than Hawks in some ways though were customers who were just nosy. “What are these?” they’d ask, before jumbling the piles of CDs that I had meticulously arranged earlier. “Those belong to someone else, I had them all organized so please don’t mix them up.” Frustration boils inside, fake smiles on the outside!
So yes, condemn me if you wish. I can sympathize with the Soup Nazi. I’m sure the following people burned his britches just as much as they burned mine!
The ones who are too busy chatting with their friends or on a cell phone to notice they are NEXT IN LINE!
Counter leaners who take up the whole thing, while bombarding you with BAD BREATH! They tend to leave the counter dirty, and/or sweaty.
Counter parkers, who decide not to look around the store at all, but just park there and ask questions. They don’t like making room for paying customers. They don’t even know there are any other customers. They just have questions. LOTS AND LOTS OF QUESTIONS!
CLINGERS. These people are not your friends, but they don’t know that. Friends understand that you’re working and they are not, so they don’t bother you too much. Clingers were usually customers who seemed lonely, and just wanted to hang out. They like to chat, ask questions, and make it look like that CD in their hand is something they are really going to purchase. But no, is it all just an elaborate hoax. They just needed to kill a couple hours, and someone to talk to. The person behind the counter is a captive audience. They buy like, one or two discs a year just so they can’t be officially labelled a nuisance.
Looking back on it today, maybe it would have been better for my soul had I just take a few tips from the Soup Nazi. No discs for you!
15. Rust in Peace – Megadeth
14. Screaming For Vengeance – Judas Priest
13. Little Earthquakes – Tori Amos
12. Close to the Edge – Yes
11. Consolers of the Lonely – The Raconteurs
10. Clutching at Straws – Marillion
9. Reign in Blood – Slayer
8. Operation: Mindcrime – Queensryche
7. Whale Music – The Rheostatics
6. Misplaced Childhood – Marillion
5. Moving Pictures – Rush
4. Roxy and Elsewhere – Frank Zappa and the Mothers of Invention
3. Pet Sounds – The Beach Boys
2. Hemispheres – Rush
1. El Corazón – Steve Earle
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