The surgeon promised he’d update us as soon as possible and he was true to his word.
We will be meeting with him on Tuesday January 9. This is in preparation for a surgery on January 15. I can’t believe how fast this is happening! Imagine if we didn’t get that MRI date fixed? We’d still be in limbo.
Jen will be in hospital for at least several days after surgery. I will most likely be out of contact that week. We are very much looking forward to putting this behind us and getting on with life! She’s scared, naturally. It’s happening fast but that also means it’ll be over before we know it.
I’m not scared, just nervous. When I feel stress, it manifests itself in a few ways but the worst is in my stomach. I’m a stress-puker. Sometimes I can’t eat for days. My own challenge is going to be providing support while trying to take care of myself. So wish us both luck. We’re going to kick cancer’s ass — together.
When I get sick, I go all-in. No half-measures. Whatever the illness may be, I go deep. The Great Flu 2017/2018 is no exception. I may be back at work but I’m still a mess.
Ever since I was a kid, I used to get annoying songs repeating in my head when I was sick. It still happens today, and I cannot do anything to get the annoying songs out of my head. It prevents me from sleeping. It drives out any other songs I may try to use to change the soundtrack in my brain. I’ve tried everything. Nothing haunts me worse than a bad song in the head when I’m sick. Laying there in bed for sleepless hours, with one verse and one chorus on repeat, as my head pounds in agony.
This time, there was a slight twist on the “sick repeating song” experience. I didn’t realize it in the fever of non-sleep, but my one repeating song was actually two songs this time. Two annoying songs by the same band: The Wild!
The Wild! are another one of those AC/DC-like party rock bands. They have funny names like “Dylan Villain”, “Boozus”, “The Kid” and “Reese Lightning”. Their song “Livin’ Free” has been on regular radio rotation and even several days after unplugging, it was still stuck in my head. On repeat. But there’s more.
Turns out there, my brain actually had two songs stuck in it, joined together into one. My sleepy sick self couldn’t tell. Only after hitting Youtube, trying to banish this melody from my brain, did I realize there were two songs in there. The other song, also by The Wild!, was the soundalike track “Ready to Roll”. So similar are they that they both got jammed together into one endless loop.
The Wild! might be right up your alley. They’re AC/DC and ZZ Top and they call themselves the “God Damn Wild Boys”. I have no real objections to the band, except that they’re trodding a path that has already been well explored over the last 45 years. Maybe that’s your kind of thing. Unfortunately I can’t be objective on The Wild! because I associate them with several days in bed suffering from the plague.
Surely I cannot be the only one who experiences annoying song repeats when sick in bed. Am I?
MAX WEBSTER – A Million Vacations (originally 1979, 2017 Anthem remaster)
Why are Max Webster still held in such high esteem by their devoted fanbase? Possibly because they concocted an ideal mixture of humour and incredible playing and composition. Much like Frank Zappa, Max Webster felt that humour does indeed belong in music. It’s “smart kid rock” but never taking itself too seriously. From playful musical sections to the words of lyricist Pye Dubois, Max could also be counted on to poke you in the ribs.
A Million Vacations is certainly one of their best albums, if not their absolute magnum opus, but that’s all a matter of opinion. At this stage of the game, Max was really cooking. The 10 songs within represent some peak level songwriting, and several are still on the radio today. Through the airwaves, “Paradise Skies”, “Let Go the Line”, “A Million Vacations” and “Night Flights” might be speeding over Canada somewhere as you read this.
“Paradise Skies” indeed! One of Max’s most immediate tracks is the party opener. Total mainstream Max: catchy hooks, insane playing, and a chorus that’s ready to blast off. Terry Watkinson’s “Charmonium” is more complex but no less catchy. The keyboardist wrote the song and does the lead vocals as well. Dig into those flurries of notes making up some tasty solo sections. Losing no momentum, “Night Flights” keeps a jaunty pace. Pye Dubois’ poem about the love of touring reminds us how important Pye was to the band. How many bands have a touring lyricist?
Breaking the fun-loving character for just a moment, a day-dreamy “Sun Voices” has connections to the next songs, “Moon Voices” and “A Million Vacations”. “In my chair, chaise lounge…” and how many songs can you think of with a chaise lounge in the words?? “Sun Voices” is a meditative poolside view. Perhaps then the side-closing instrumental “Moon Voices” is the loud party, after the sun goes down?
“A Million Vacations” (written by drummer Gary McCracken and Pye Dubois) on side two is a party-ready Canadian summer anthem. Part of being Canadian is hibernating for our cold, dark winters. Once we have endured the freeze, and life returns with the spring thaw, it is like a celebration. “A Million Vacations” has that feeling. “Throwin’ out all kinds of fishing line, Friday Friday is a good time to shine.” Yes indeed, hitting the outdoors is a Canadian weekend tradition in the summer time.
“Look Out” is an often forgotten buried gem. The chorus is written around a catchy keyboard riff, which suddenly gives way to a conga jam. It’s Max as only Max can do, daring but never fearing. But side two’s centerpiece is undoubtedly the magnificent ballad “Let Go the Line”, with Watkinson back on lead vocals. Kim Mitchell orchestrates a guitar chorus for the main instrument hook and it’s instant love. For sheer smart pop songwriting, “Let Go the Line” is Max’s finest. The new 2017 remaster from the recommended box set The Party really reveals a lot of nuance in the back that were hard or impossible to hear on previous CD editions.
Kim gets a little goofy with “Rascal Houdi”, an undeniable party rocker. “I’m switching out, I’m out to lunch,” and it’s a teenage blast. But the party finale, “Research (At Beach Resorts)” takes it to the max (pun intended). “Line up crowds at the pavilion, Max is playing ‘Vacations'”. It’s a beach party, and Max is “in Newport for research, to get abreast of things…” What about Wasaga Beach on Georgian Bay? Already taken care of, friends. “We’ve just researched Wasaga Beach, bonfire pits at midnight.” But what the heck are they “researching”?
“What is it that we stare at? Is it the passports and campsite stars? Or the monogrammed bikinis and cars? Or maybe we just need some perspiration ’cause we’re frostbitten Canadian boys!”
There are few bands better than Max Webster, folks, and Max’s A Million Vacation is an easy album to love, so flip it over and play it again like I’m about to.
Strong showing on The Last Fanboys, a Star Wars rant that was only posted on December 27 with only a few days left in the year to rank! Thanks, fanboys!
TOP FIVE READER’S COUNTRIES by hits
United States– 73,014 hits
Canada – 31,064 hits
United Kingdom– 15,692 hits
Australia – 10,969 hits
Spain – 5744 hits
…and 1 hit from Greenland!
…And On A Personal Note
I don’t mind admitting that 2017 kicked my ass. In terms of growth, in both quality and in traffic, it was our best year yet. I’m 45 years old and I feel our best is still ahead. With music as inspiring as it was in 2017, it’s inevitable that I will have some amazing things to write about in 2018.
But 2017 flat-out kicked my ass. Finding out your wife has cancer, yeah, that’s what did me in. By the end of December my immune system was ripe for the pickings.
The non-stop support at home has been essential to getting back on my feet, but don’t underestimate your own role in this. Though I have not been able to respond to individual comments, they’ve all been appreciated. Every single one.
As we all head back to the grind tomorrow, remember none of it means anything if you don’t take care of yourselves. That’s what I’m going to pledge to do better in 2018.
Jim and Andy : The Great Beyond – Featuring a very special, contractually obligated mention of Tony Clifton
Baby Driver
It
Justice League
Gilbert
Logan
Get Me Roger Stone
ESPN 30 for 30 – Ric Flair: The Nature Boy
Uncle Meat’s Top Ten Albums of 2017
I must admit that it was hard doing this list, for the simple reason that Uncle Meat rarely likes anything new. Call me a Fuddy-Duddy…call me stuck in the glorious past…But you cants call me Johnson. Considering I am using a very old reference to the David Steinberg show, maybe I should just get on to 2017 instead.
10) Queens of the Stone Age – Villains – The first track on this album called “Feet Don’t Fail Me Now” came out and literally kicked me in the face…pun intended. But the rest of the album drags and is kinda forgettable. However the aforementioned track might be my song of the year so it makes up the bottom end of this list.
9) Pallbearer – Heartless – Not as blatant as my number 10 entry, but again this is based mostly off one track. The song pointed out by Dr. Dave, “I Saw the The End”, seems to have so many intentional or unintentional “nods” within it they are hard to count. I have heard it reminds people of Queensryche, Iron Maiden, King’s X…etc. But the rest of the album doesn’t seem to live up to that glorious track.
8)Deep Purple – InFinite – Yet another solid output from Morse-era Deep Purple. Steve Morse has been in the band so long now it seems weird to keep referring to the “Morse era” anymore. Ian Gillan is writing vocal lines that seem to better suit his limited vocal range right now. I really like the keyboards on this album. Even Frank put one of the tracks as his song of the year. Listen to Frank.
7) Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit – The Nashville Sound – Someone has to mention something other than “Heavy Metal Bullshit” on this site. 2017 may have been a bit of a Metal resurgence year for me, but Jason Isbell’s 2017 offering needs to be on this list. His lyrics are reminiscent of the great John Prine on this album. He also rocks out a little bit more here, which is good because I found some previous album to be way too mamby-pamby and not enough guts. Plenty of guts and beauty on this record.
6) Mogwai – Every Country’s Sun – This band was introduced to me by Doctor Doom a few years ago. Always appreciated what they do but found it hard to get into. A few listens of Every Country’s Sun, and it’s diverse song styles have made me more than appreciate them. It is really quite simple. I need to hear more Mogwai.
5) Steve Earle and the Dukes – So You Wanna Be an Outlaw– I have only had a couple listens of this in full, which just is not enough to really dig into a Steve Earle album. But what I have heard I have loved, as per usual. You just cant go wrong with Mr. Earle.
4) Power Trip – Nightmare Logic – Was introduced to this album by a review on Banger TV (highly recommended You Tube channel run by Sam Dunn). It was compared to Slayer’s Reign in Blood both in overall style and the album’s short running time. Once again the past draws me in as it definitely is “old school Thrash Metal”. Not an album I could listen to a lot, but hard not to elicit a reaction anytime it comes on.
3) The Necromancers– Servants of the Salem Girl – Iron Tom Sharpe or whatever he calls himself here on this blog introduced me to this French band that totally rocks. Sounds like an oxymoron I know, but it indeed rocks. I really find they remind me of Orange Goblin at times, which is a high compliment in my world. I have found myself in the rock guitar pose frequently with this album playing. Frank would like it.
2) Elder – Reflections of a Floating World – Elder came out of absolutely nowhere for me about a month ago. Kicked my fucking ass…and soul. Reflections of a Floating World is absolutely the greatest collection of music I heard in 2017. I couldn’t put it number one which will be explained shortly, however it is so fucking good I would say this might be my favourite “Metal” album in many many years. Years ago I wanted so bad to find a truly Progressive Metal band, and the closest thing I could find was Dream Theater. But they continually had this gloss and sparkly side to them which turned me off a lot of the time. If Pink Floyd and Kyuss had a baby, and it grew up listening to nothing but Gabriel Genesis albums, you would get Reflections of a Floating World. The singer kinda reminds me of Perry Farrell, which seems like an odd fit but works perfectly. No barking on this record. The second track, “The Falling Veil”, is a song I have went to many times within the last month. If you like good music, and have the patience to appreciate it, soak yourself in this record. Do it, Frank.
1) Five Alarm Funk – Sweat – Do I think this is the best album of 2017? As mentioned earlier, that goes to my number 2. However this was by far my favourite album of this year as well as my favourite band of this year. Five Alarm Funk is Canada’s best keep secret, but subsequent albums never really captured what it was like to see this band live. They did release a great live album in 2016, but what FAF have created with Sweat seems to be taking the energy of their live shows and writing appropriate music to suit their show. The song “Iceberg” is as many parts Zappa and “Heavy Metal Bullshit” as it is a funk song. Many other tracks have this groovy girth to them. If you hear about Five Alarm Funk playing a show near you…you owe it to yourself to see Canada’s hardest working band. The band will kick your ass and back again while you are dancing to it. But this album will do in a pinch. Love these fucking guys.
2017 was, from almost every angle, a shit year. Another onslaught of losses in music, entertainment and sports (another list on its own). 2017 was as devastating as 2016, but perhaps all that loss was turned into musical dividends. Before the year was even half over, I had already found my #1 album of 2017 from a surprising corner. I knew as soon as I heard it that it was something remarkable. I pencilled it into the #1, wondering who would topple it. Over the months, no-one did. Though my annual Top Five Albums list was not finalised until last week, the #1 album never changed.
Before we get to albums, however, let’s check out some winners in other categories!
I put my reputation on the line when I recommended The Party to everyone I knew. I only got good reviews in return. For the record, it was our own Uncle Meat, back in July, who broke the news of this box set. He knows someone involved with the remastering and was aware of the project well before the public was. Though the packaging was bare bones, the reissue otherwise hits all the bases.
What was probably my #1 album for Christmas 1987 is my favourite reissue in 2017. In a year featuring fantastic reissues by Marillion (Misplaced Childhood) and Whitesnake (1987), none brought me back in time like Leppard’s Hysteria did.
TOP FIVE ALBUMS OF 2017
Normally I exclude live albums from my lists, but this has been a special year.
I haven’t cared so much about Styx since I was 10 years old! What an incredible album The Mission is. And I’m counting it as CanCon, because of singer/pianist Lawrence Gowan (but you can call him Larry).
Other fun categories!
BEST NEW ARTIST– Greta Van Fleet
BEST SOUNDTRACK– John Williams, Star Wars: The Last Jedi
First timer but long time fester FRANK drops his lists of awesome. Who is Frank? He is the Sausagefest Man of Mystery. All we really know about Frank is that he pays his rock and roll taxes on time every time. Here’s his best of 2017, and just because the rest of us did albums, Frank brings his best songs and movies.
His only commentary: “After doing this list I realised I need to stop watching so many kids movies.”
I can’t believe that it’s been another year and I have to do one of these things again. Where does the time go? Right into the shitter, apparently.
Anywho, where was I?
Not a great year, but not a terrible one, either (musically speaking). Since I’ve become something of a “standard bearer” for LeBrain, flying the dirty, blood-stained banner of METAL year after year, it should not be surprising that most of my list is metallic. I tend to gravitate towards that, though I could mention things non-metallic (Stranger Things, Godless, Big Mouth) that are not musical but which would feature in my yearly “best-of” if I did not choose to restrict myself to my top-10 musical releases of the year. And, for the record, I do like things that are not metal. Just…not so much these days. And that’s not really my fault. So…
10 – Power Trip – Nightmare Logic
Old-school thrash that is direct and catchy. The speed and double-bass assault is kept to a minimum, so the emphasis is on the mid-tempo swagger and the down-picked chug. Totally convincing without sounding like a nostalgia act (I hate that). There are parts that recall Slayer (the sudden accelerations) and Exodus (the tricky rhythmic shifts in some of the riffs), but, by and large, it doesn’t sound completely derivative of any particular band. Nicely done! (Question: how long are we going to have to wait, with Trump’s America, for some obscene country-rap duo named “Buy and Large” to break big? Don’t tell me you can’t imagine it. I know you can. And that is SAD!).
Song Selection: “Executioner’s Tax: (Swinging the Axe)”
9 – Paradise Lost – Medusa
So apparently there is a Halifax in England as well as in New Scotland (Latin is for jerks, word to your mother). And judging by the output of that town’s most notable musical export, it must be a really, really, REALLY gloomy place. Paradise Lost has been one of metal’s most unsung bands since the late 80s (check out Draconian Times if you think I’m fooling – that shit’s killer). They’ve made some dizzying left turns in that time, but they’ve mostly returned to their roots, which is a hybrid of doom and death metal. They’ve released better albums than Medusa in the past ten or twelve years, but I just have to include this on principle.
Song Selection: anything really, it’s all pretty much the same.
8 – The Necromancers – Servants of the Salem Girl
Props to Mr. Morwood for drawing my attention to this French outfit who present as a less-polished, more sprawling Ghost, filtered through some Fu Manchu and a host of other stoner/70s humping outfits. They even have a BOC feel, like in the opening track, which has a chorus reminiscent of “Astronomy.” And then, at 3:50, they bust out a runaway freight-train of a riff that recalls the finest moments of Porcupine Tree’s “Fear of a Blank Planet.” And delicious solos to boot! A band to watch as they grow and better digest their influences.
Song selection: “Salem Girl, Part 1”
7 – Akercocke – Renaissance in Extremis
Back in the 90s, these sincere (and snazzily-dressed) English Satanists combined death, black, and progressive metal in a manner that veered from the unsettling to the undeniable (Words That Go Unspoken, Deeds That Go Undone will always be their opus). In 2017, they came roaring back after a long hiatus, and though they left the Brooks Brothers’ suits behind them, they are still a complex and scary proposition. Hail Satan!
Song selection: “Disappear”
6 – The Obsessed – Sacred
Thankfully, I have seen Wino perform at least once. It was in Philly, at the North Star Bar, for one of Spirit Caravan’s last live performances. The man is a legend – as close as any American comes to Lemmy, and he can basically do no wrong. Revivifying The Obsessed – a band that should have become major in the late-80s/early-90s – is as good a way as any to reassert himself. Nothing fancy here, just dirty and crusty heavy rock, done right.
Song Selection:
5 – Mogwai – Every Country’s Sun
Ah, Mogwai. Glaswegian post-rock titans. The only live band I’ve ever seen that was louder than Mogwai was Motorhead. That…was a while ago. Nowadays, Mogwai have three basic templates: the poppy/happy Mogwai, the ambient Mogwai (which has seen them become a very-much-in-demand soundtrack band), and the crushing, guitars-up-to-twelve band that I originally fell in love with. They don’t really start cranking it up until the second half of this album, but for “Old Poisons” alone this is easily a top-ten release for me. Their melodic turns often come from left field, but that’s part of the charm. Nobody else does this shit better.
Song selection: “Old Poisons”
4 – Wolves in the Throne Room – Thrice-Woven
I’m not, nor ever will be, a “black metal” purist or “troo kvltist.” I’m pretty sure many of those a-holes will slag this album with their last dying, frosty breath, but I don’t give a corpse-painted shit. After the demise of Agalloch, WiiTR stand alone atop the Cascadian Black Metal heap (that’s black metal from America’s Pacific Northwest for you noobs). After taking a whole lot of shit for their last album, in which they apparently let their ambient/experimental instincts take over (I’m afraid to listen to it, frankly), WiiTR have come back with an album that could stand as a “how-to” or “Idiot’s Guide” for composing black metal riffs and melodies. Each song has it’s ambient/atmospheric passages, but the riffs themselves are almost parodically perfect. The production is both modern and inviting; while “classic” black metal albums from the 90s sound like they were recorded in an over-turned dumpster, the sounds here are warm – the drums are thunderous yet precise, and the guitars are perfectly balanced between the biting and the enveloping. This is THE record that could get any sane, functioning metalhead into black metal. It’s great. Fuck off and give it a listen. And if you let the raspy vocals put you off then you are weak, and you are why the world has gone to shite.
Song Selection:
3 – Mastodon – Emperor of Sand
Ho-hum. Another year, another Mastodon album in my top-10, as should be expected. “But they’re popuuular! They’re mainstreeeeeeem! They suck now!” Yeah, you know what? Go shit in your hat.
Song Selection: “Steambreather”
2 – Elder – Reflections of a Floating World
More of a #1b than an actual #2, this is the left hook to the next album’s right cross that made 2017 the year of progressive doom for me. Sumptuous, sprawling without being indulgent, sensitive yet strong, progressive without being a wankfest…holy shit, I can’t believe these guys are from Boston! Somehow it all hangs together in an entirely organic way. The live footage on YouTube of them performing “Sanctuary” is fantastic. Why they are on some obscure German record label is beyond me. Boston’s not that far away, you know. Throw us puckheads a fucking bone and come for a visit, Massholes!
Song Selection: “Sanctuary”
1 – Pallbearer – Heartless
Heartless? I think not. This, like the Elder, has it all – dramatic arrangements, stirring melodies, and riff after riff after riff. Sure, it was kind of a cock-tease when they pre-released “I Saw The End” and it turned out to be the most directly impactful song, and arguably the best several straight minutes on the whole album. But fuck, that’s not just splitting hairs; that’s splitting the hairs on a paramecium. (Or a Porg. Now, really, what’s that deal? I mean, look at them. They’ve got a brain the size of a very small plum. Yet one of them gets to co-pilot a spaceship? Fucking nonsense. Would you let your cat use a blender? Exactly.)
Song Selection: “I Saw The End”
So that’s it. Peace to you all and all your loved ones (unless they’re dicks).
And on a final note: please please please stop using the phrase “it is what it is.” It’s a tautology, and as such it is utterly devoid of any meaningful content. Seriously – just stop. It’s not Zen. It’s not wise. It’s silly. It is a form of cognitive surrender. And do we really need any MORE of that these days?
If you are a Star Wars fan, there is a good chance that you are getting sick of social media right now. No one has done more to ruin the spirit of the holidays than angry Star Wars fanboys. Ever since the release of The Last Jedi on December 18, upset fanboys have been whining non-stop about the newest movie. They have started a petition to have the film re-made by someone else. Like a swarm of constantly moaning mosquitoes, they attack anyone with a positive or even neutral view of the film, using words such as “retarded” or “sheep” to describe those who liked it. It’s like being friends with a Trump fan. You can only take so much before you have to completely unplug.
Well fanboys, this is where you get yours. It’s time for everyone else to strike back. Line up, whiners — it’s go time!
Yes, The Last Jedi is deeply flawed. It’s not nearly bad as The Phantom Menace or Attack of the Clones, but it has problems. Let’s be realistic about this film and avoid crying in our cornflakes. The biggest issue I have with the film is the disregard that Rian Johnson has for the original movies. All Star Wars saga films are supposed to work as one long movie. That means the visual style has to be consistent. Out of nowhere, Rian Johnson introduced slow motion. The Star Wars saga has never bowed to this trend before. The Last Jedi is completely out of step every time this lazy film technique is used to artificially boost drama. Johnson also uses flashbacks like nobody has before in Star Wars. It’s not clear but these might be considered “Force visions”, something that both George Lucas and JJ Abrams used in their movies. Yet the flashbacks and slow motion problems aren’t even the things that the butthurt fanboys are whining about.
The rallying cry of the fanboys is “Disney ruined Luke Skywalker”. This is where we enter spoiler territory.
The Luke Skywalker of The Last Jedi is a broken man. He is haunted by his failure with Ben Solo. He realises what we fans always knew: there is a cycle of conflict between light and dark. Luke claims that a Jedi was “responsible for the training and creation of Darth Vader”. He is referring to his old master Obi-Wan Kenobi. But Luke may shoulder even more responsibility, with his creation of Kylo Ren. We witness the moment it happens. Ben Solo was already beginning to fall to the dark side. Luke sensed this. He peered into Ben’s mind and was shocked to find that he was already horribly corrupted. In a moment of weakness, he ignited his lightsaber to murder his nephew. This is the moment that changed everything: Ben became Kylo Ren, killed some of Luke’s students, and left with the rest. Skywalker’s failure was complete. He retreated to the first Jedi Temple, intending to atone for his mistake by dying there in shame.
Consider this, and ask “did Disney ruin Luke Skywalker”?
I say the answer is “no”. Disney did not ruin Luke Skywalker. If you feel Luke has been ruined, it was the collective authors of the old Star Wars Expanded Universe who did the ruining.
When George Lucas re-launched Star Wars in 1999 with The Phantom Menace, he did it the only way he could: with his own original story, not some re-hashed source material written in a novel by a third party. Therefore we never had to endure some obscure adventure of Yoda aboard his Jedi ship Chu’unthor. Why would Lucas want to copy a book he never read? Of course he wouldn’t. For better or for worse, he mostly ignored the books and wrote his own stories. The only detail he took from the books was the Republic capitol city of Coruscant, which was actually ripped off from Isaac Asimov in the first place. In his Foundation and Empire novels (a huge influence on Star Wars), Asimov described the capitol world of Trantor, a city-planet much like Coruscant. “As the centre of the Imperial Government for unbroken hundreds of generations and located, as it was, toward the central regions of the Galaxy among the most densely populated and industrially advanced worlds of the system, it could scarcely help being the densest and richest clot of humanity the Race had ever seen.” Since Lucas has always drawn from the wide palette of classic science fiction, it makes sense for an element like Coruscant be retained from the books.
The post-Return of the Jedi era of Star Wars has already been explored ad-nauseum in books, comics and video games. Luke had a wife named Mara Jade. He ran a Jedi school. Han and Leia had three Jedi kids. They had many many adventures battling the Imperial Remnant, Force witches, a cloned Emperor (twice!), a cloned Luke (named Luuke), and dozens of previously unknown darksiders.
Just like Lucas wrote his own original prequel stories, there was no way that fans should have expected Disney to recycle old material from novels. Not for something as important as Star Wars. It’s fine to do that with Marvel comics, but Star Wars doesn’t originate in books. Therefore, there would be no Mara Jade, no clones, no reheated stories and no baggage.
Any Star Wars fan had plenty of time to enjoy the heroic and sometimes tedious adventures of Luke Skywalker in books over the last 25 years. They started off well enough: Timothy Zahn’s excellent Heir to the Empire trilogy could easily have been a film trilogy, if only made when the actors were younger. Things got dicey after Zahn. Proceed at your own risk. Kevin J. Anderson’s Jedi Academy trilogy was one of the worst. The Black Fleet trilogy by Michael P. Kube-McDowell was good but perhaps a bit too “sci-fi” for Star Wars (and it discussed Luke’s mother long before the prequel trilogy, rendering it obsolete by the movies).
The Star Wars sequel trilogy could never be rehashed from books. It had to be new, and it had to go in unexpected directions. That’s what Rian Johnson tried to do. Instead of the heroic Luke, one we’ve seen swashbuckling in those old books, he gave us something far more shocking: a realistic Luke. Not the legendary Luke, but a human being. Someone who responds like a real, flawed person. What fanboy is to say they “know” Luke best? All they think they know is what they gleaned from the books over the years. It has become their “head canon”, and they stubbornly refuse to let it go. As we’ve discussed, fanboys should have known the movies would have to go in a new direction as they always have. All we really know about Luke is what we have seen on screen. In his very first movie, he was trying to escape from his reality. In The Last Jedi, he’s not that different, as Yoda himself points out. The contradiction between the legend and reality of Luke is one of the most important themes of the movie, and one that Luke and Rey struggle with.
It’s true that Mark Hamill read the script for The Last Jedi and was immediately turned off. Yet he went in there and played the best Luke I’ve ever seen. Ruined Luke? I just don’t see it. All I ever wanted, ever since I was a kid walking out of that theater in 1983, was to see Luke Skywalker become the most powerful Jedi of all time. There is no question that the Luke of The Last Jedi is exactly that. He did things with the Force that we didn’t even know could be done! Fanboys wanted to see Luke do prequel-style lightsaber acrobatics. As if the most powerful Jedi of all time would need a lightsaber? Think back to The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi. Did Yoda and the Emperor wield lightsabers in the original trilogy? No. Nor does Luke in the sequel trilogy. Balance. Besides, do you really want to see more somersaulting with laser swords? Didn’t you get enough of that with the prequels? What more could possibly be added to that? They never really topped Darth Maul in The Phantom Menace for lightsaber action.
Let’s move on to another popular fanboy complaint. “Disney is trying to kill Star Wars by killing all the old characters”.
Ludicrous. From Ben Kenobi to Yoda to even Anakin Skywalker himself, Star Wars has a habit of knocking off the heroes. It’s the only way to have any tension. If you know nobody will die, the movie has no weight. Disney is in it to make money. Pissing off whiny fans on purpose probably isn’t in their business strategy. It’s not personal, fanboys. Lucas always said that the sequel trilogy would be about the next generation, with Luke having a “cameo”. It’s kind of annoying that this has to be explained to you.
Next fanboy complaint: “Rey is nobody from nowhere”.
Possibly. We don’t know that for sure. That’s up to JJ Abrams to confirm or deny in Episode IX. But what is the problem with it, if it were true? All we really know is that when darkness rises, so does the light to meet it. Where did Obi-Wan Kenobi come from? Mace Windu? Hell, we don’t even know the name of Yoda’s species let alone where he came from. It is OK if Rey is not related to a past character. Kylo Ren is. He carries the Skywalker blood. If that blood dies with him in Episode IX, wouldn’t that be an appropriate end to the Skywalker saga? It would mean the nine movies tell the complete story of the Skywalker line, from the start to the end. Where is the issue?
Fanboys have similar complaints about Supreme Leader Snoke. It’s unlikely we’ll learn anything more about him, leaving him as one of those dangling threads. It would have been pretty cool to find out more about him, but it turns out he was just a red herring. Misdirection. And that has fanboys in a rage! Every single fan theory about Snoke was wrong! Fanboys have been hoping to find out that he was a cloned Vader, Emperor, Darth Plagueis or someone from the distant past. Well, he wasn’t, and perhaps he wasn’t even as powerful as fans theorised. This leaves Kylo Ren as the one true villain in the sequel trilogy. Again, this upset all the fanboy theories, who expected Kylo to turn good, and Luke or Rey to go bad.
Without going full fanboy, I’ll put it out there that using Snoke as a red herring was a missed opportunity. Andy Serkis was so good as Snoke in The Last Jedi, it’s a real miss that he didn’t amount to more. Serkis is the one actor who gives Hamill a run for his money. In their effort to thwart the fan theories, perhaps Johnson and Disney blew Snoke. Any backstory to Snoke will likely be left to the realm of comics and books, which is unfortunate. It is unlikely he’ll have anything to do with Episode IX, as there’s a new Supreme Leader in town and his name is Kylo Ren.
The last of the major fanboy complaints is regarding the big Leia scene. Kudos to Rian Johnson for faking out the death of Leia in the movie, as I’m sure many thought she was surely dead. Ejected into space, Leia uses the Force to pull herself back to the ship. This scene takes a number of leaps of faith. One has to assume that the Force “somehow” protected Leia, and kept her alive until she could regain consciousness, all without being able to breath. In the freezing cold, radiation-rich vacuum of space. Well, sure, I guess. There’s nothing in the Star Wars films that excludes this from being possible. It’s just one of the things about this movie that was not good. Also not worth getting all butthurt about. Did you fanboys even see The Phantom Menace? Let me know how it’s possible to take a submarine to a planet’s core.
So now, the butthurt is so intense that fanboys are demanding The Last Jedi be removed from canon and remade. This is more a sign of the times than the quality of the film. Such uproar never happened in 1999. In 2017, spoilt internet warriors are used to getting what they want when they cry. Well, fanboys, you’ll have to learn a lesson they used to teach us back in the day: suck it up, buttercups.
The Last Jedi could have used some work in the editing. Shortening the Leia scene would have made it less outlandish. Cutting the artificial slow motion would have made a huge difference. The opening battle was way too long, featuring a nonsensical segment of fake tension with a new character called Paige. There is a side mission featuring the characters of Finn and Rose (Paige’s sister) that had multiple issues, including a pointless chase scene and a wasted opportunity to spend time in a high-rolling Star Wars casino. Their secret mission doesn’t even impact the outcome of the story. All it really serves to do is find a role for Finn, who otherwise had no story in The Last Jedi.
There’s a lot to be enjoyed with Johnson’s direction. His dialogue is an improvement, but less is often more. Some of the best character moments are performed with no speaking at all. His visual style is stunning (slow motion aside). The big lightsaber battle with Snoke’s red guards is one of the best in the saga. So fluid, so beautiful.
The real issue with the film’s reception has little to do with Finn and Rose. It has everything to do with fans becoming attached to their own theories. Remember what Ben Kenobi said? “Let go”. And Yoda? “Unlearn what you have learned.” That’s not a Deus ex machina, fanboys. You’ve been watching too much Youtube and spending too much time on Reddit. Discussion boards were flooded with talk of the Knights of Ren; a throwaway line from The Force Awakens that fans got attached to. That the Knights did not appear and were not even mentioned in The Last Jedi has fanboys throwing tantrums like we have never seen. Perhaps they’ll show up in IX, but if not, who cares?
Rian Johnson himself warned us about spoiling the movie for ourselves. When the first trailer was released, he wrote on Twitter, “I am legitimately torn. If you want to come in clean, absolutely avoid it.” You should have listened.
Let go, fanboys. Unlearn what you have learned. You’re ruining this for everyone!
mikeladano.com 