By Mike and @MarriedandHeels
THE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’: Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation Part 2
What a ridiculous pair they made! Ahead by several paces was Edie Van Heelin’, rock star and superhero, dressed in her most fab hiking gear, striding confidently north along the shoreline. Panting behind her, dressed in camo shorts and a sweaty T-shirt, was Fanboy Mike, trying desperately to keep up.
To his credit, on this hike at least, Mike was not wearing his Crocs.
“Hey Edie!” he panted. “Can we take a break? I can barely breathe!” He gasped as he found a large rock to sit on.
Edie Van Heelin’ circled back and sat with her friend.
“Sure, let’s take five,” she said as she sipped from a water bottle. “How much further to the next town?”
Mike grabbed his phone from his pocket and tried to get a signal.
“I’m sorry but I can’t get a connection. It’s been 35 years since I last hiked up this far, but I’d guess we’re about half way.”
Edie marvelled at the scenery before her.
“You know, I’ve always said California is the place to be, but Canada isn’t so bad.” She breathed deep. “It smells different from the ocean, but it still smells like water.”
“That’s the dead fish you’re smelling Edie,” deadpanned Mike. “But yeah, Canada isn’t so bad, except for the winter. Are you still planning on a winter vacation next year?”
“Count on it, Fanboy!” she grinned.
“Alright, that’s enough for sitting,” Mike groaned as he stood, stretching his aching back. He took some videos of crashing waves and soaring seagulls, and got ready to hike again. More stretching required.
At that, the pair headed further north, through rocky terrain, a few grassy patches, and some marshy muck. They maintained a good pace despite Mike’s physical inadequacies, and he even managed to keep up a good conversation despite being winded.
“So let me get this straight,” repeated Edie. “Ace Fray-lay was replaced by Vincent? Who was replaced by Saint John? And then he was replaced by Bruce Something six months later?”
“More or less, yeah,” said Mike. “It’s pronounced more like ‘Frehley’. Hang out with me enough and you’ll know all of Kisstory by heart. My point is, the original members may be iconic but there are plenty of other guys who contributed great material.”
“Gotcha. And which one is your favourite again?” she asked with genuine curiosity.
“Paul Stanley. The Starchild! When I was a kid, I tried to dance like he did on stage. He had these spandex pants with tassels down the sides, and he would do these jumping spinning moves, and I tried so hard to dance just like him. I made an air guitar our of cardboard and a yardstick. I painted it black. I posed with it, pretending to be Paul in my bedroom, spinning those old albums…” Mike drifted off with nostalgia.
Edie enjoyed spending these down-to-earth moments, rambling about these inconsequential things. It sure was a lot better than fighting bad guys all the time! Even though she was on the second day of her Canadian vacation, the first had been spoiled by a renter named George Sooner, who sabotaged their every activity. Ominously, it turned out that Sooner was working under orders of a man called Shinzon, a strange clone from Australia that she had dealt with once before.
She shook her head straight. This was her vacation. No time to dwell on these existential threats. Let’s hike, she thought.
The ground was now a mixture of medium sized stones, grassy patches, and wet puddles. It slowed their pace as they made their way further north along the shoreline. A bright orange fox darted out, sniffed the air, caught sight of the pair, and dashed back into the woods before Mike could snap a photo.
“Drat!” he exclaimed. “Hey, you know what that reminds me of? What if I told you that the Catman, Peter Criss, was replaced by the Fox, Eric Carr?”
“I’m never going to remember all this,” laughed Edie.
“You don’t have to! You have me! I’m a living, breathing Kiss encyclopedia!” chuckled Mike.
He stopped to look at the sun, already starting to make its way towards the horizon.
“Jeez, it’s kind of getting late in the day. How long have we been walking?” He checked his phone. “It’s 3:00 pm. We left in the morning. Something’s wrong; we should have hit the town by now and been well on our way back.”
“How is it possible we lost track of that much time?” asked Edie.
Mike got a chill up his spine. There was a possible explanation he didn’t want to think about, or raise in front of Edie. Not on her vacation.
“No big deal. Let’s just turn around and head back. It’ll be dark when we get back but we had a great hike regardless.”
Edie was disconcerted. “There’s no way I’ve been hiking that many hours. I would know, I would feel it. Yeah…let’s head back. I want to go back.”
Mike and Edie made a 180, and began heading south. The wind began to pick up as they walked, and accordingly, the waves grew in size and intensity. They crashed on the rocks, cascading sprays of water over the two hikers. They raised their hands to keep the water off their faces. The air began to grow cold, and both were wearing shorts. At one point up ahead, they reached a spot they could no longer cross.
“Wow,” said Mike. “It’s rare you see the water get this rough! Bad weather incoming! The water’s risen so high we can’t go back the way we came.” Indeed, one section of tiny rocky beach was now completely flooded up to the treeline.
“Let’s go inland then,” said Edie, eager for a change of scenery and shelter from the wind. “This wind is going to rip the lashes right off my face! Though that would be something to see….”
The pair turned inland and made their way through a thick strand of trees, which soon gave way to a more sparsely wooded area. The wind was kept at bay by the mighty cedars and pines of the forest.
“If memory serves, if we keep hiking inland, we’ll eventually hit the county road. Then we can just follow that back home,” said Mike.
“Sounds good,” responded Edie. She inhaled deeply. “Ooh I love that smell, of the forest and the trees!”
“It’s something huh? You can see why I try to spend as much time here as possible,” answered Mike.
Suddenly, Edie stopped dead in her tracks.
“Something’s wrong Mike. Do you hear that?” The two remained silent for a moment. Then Mike spoke.
“No…I don’t hear anything at all. Just the wind.”
“Exactly. The birds are gone. The animals are gone. I can’t seem to contact any. They’ve left. They must know something…be scared of something.” Edie spoke with great concern in her voice. “Sometimes when I’m out of contact with the animals like this, it means a severe storm is coming.”
“That tracks,” agreed Mike as he looked up to the rapidly blackening sky. “I don’t suppose you packed your rocket boots, did you?”
“I’m sorry,” said Edie, “We weren’t supposed to be doing any superhero-ing this weekend.”
“That was the deal,” agreed Mike. “Next time let’s make a note to pack the rocket boots, just in case.”
“Come on, let’s keep heading inland,” urged Edie. “I don’t like it when I can’t contact any animals.”
There was no clear path ahead, so the pair forged their way through gaps in the trees, breaking branches as they went. Then the rain began! Edie raised a hood over her head while Mike donned his trademark fisherman hat. Neither did a particularly great job of keeping them dry, but it was better than nothing. The wind howled through the trees as the downpour intensified. The pair had no choice but to stop and wait it out. They could barely hear each other.
“These storms usually blow through pretty quick!” shouted Mike over the din.
Edie was covering her eyes (and lashes), but nodded in understanding. They huddled together trying to keep warm. It seemed all of Lake Huron was being dumped over their heads.
Suddenly a ray of sunlight burst through the cloud, indicating the worst was over. 10 seconds later, the rain audibly began to retreat. Edie and Mike stood straight and looked up. A patch of blue could be seen.
“Whew!” said Edie. “That was a wet one!”
Mike wrung the water out of his hat. “That sucked! My shoes are soaked. As we say in Canada, ‘I got two soakers’.” Edie, meanwhile, was in the midst of changing her shoes. Of course she had a backup pair. She was, after all, Edie Van Heelin’.
“Sorry, I don’t have a backup pair for you, though you would look cute in hot pink,” she teased.
“You bet I would,” countered Mike. “Come on. Let’s keep going.” With a squish-squish sound, Mike began walking inland once more.
Or, he thought it was inland. After an hour of walking, he decided to raise the question of the elephant in the room.
“I hate to say it…but we are thoroughly lost,” he confessed. “And I still have no signal on my phone.”
“Me neither,” said Edie with a frustrated harrumph. “What choice to we have though? Keep walking. These woods don’t go on forever. Or do they? In Canada they have a lot of woods,” she reasoned.
“I figure we have to hit a road or somebody’s property eventually, and then we can at least get back on track,” answered Mike. “I’m pretty tired though.”
“Want me to carry you?” offered Edie with a wink. She wasn’t kidding.
Mike seriously pondered the offer.
“No, let’s proceed with my dignity intact,” he replied.
The pair walked another 20 minutes until they finally hit a clearing. In this small clearing, decorated by tall grasses and a few small trees, stood a pair of deer. Edie and Mike stopped in their tracks, crouched low without saying a word, and watched. A mother and a fawn. Quietly and stealthily, Mike managed to extract his phone from his pocket and get some brief video. Then, suddenly, both deer darted off at the sound of…a car?
“I hear the road!” exclaimed Mike. “We’re not far!” He stood, but too quickly, and pulled something in his leg.
“OW!! OW OW OW! Oh ffff…” He tapered off as he saw Edie’s disapproval of swearing. “Fffart,” he finished. “Ah crap. I gotta walk this off. Ow, ow, ow. This is gonna hurt. OK. OK. OK. Let’s go. Let’s walk.”
“You sure?” cautioned Edie.
“Yep, let’s go. Here’s the thing. I need you to keep me talking, keep my mind off the pain. Ask me more questions about Kiss.”
Edie sighed. “OK. What’s the deal with the Cat guy again?”
“CatMAN,” corrected Mike. Peter Criss. He went solo in 1980, but in reality, he barely appeared on the two previous albums. They used a ghost drummer.”
“He’s the drummer?” asked Edie for clarification. “I thought he was a singer.”
“He was! He sang on ‘Beth’ and lots of other songs too. But he left the band in 1980 to go solo. That’s when they brought in the Fox, Eric Carr.”
“Right!” said Edie, remembering her lessons now. “The Fox. I like that character.”
“Then you have good taste!” answered Mike. “The road is just up ahead. We’re golden.”
“I’d be the raccoon, if I were in Kiss,” pondered Edie.
“You’d look great as a raccoon!” enthused Mike. “Keep talking, keep talking!”
Edie hiked ahead while Mike kept up the best he could, favouring his gammy leg, but no longer in pain so long as he could discuss his favourite band.
It was well past dark when the two returned to the cottage in the woods. Mike collapsed into his favourite chair while Edie massaged the agony out. He groaned in delight. After catching his breath, he was able to speak a coherent sentence.
“I’m sorry, but I’m off my feet for the rest of the night,” he told Edie. “I can’t do steaks tonight, I can’t even stand. How about we order pizza.”
“They deliver pizza out here?” she queried.
“Boston Pizza does, and Boston Pizza is the best this town has to offer. My treat. Let’s get pizza. Please.”
“Well, OK,” answered Edie. “But you know what this means.” She gave him a stern look.
“No. What’s it mean?” Mike was genuinely puzzled.
“As you recall, our first dinner was sabotaged by that Sooner jerk,” she explained. “We have yet to have a proper outdoor steak dinner like you promised. This means I need to stay an extra day.”
“Oh, drat,” snapped Mike in faux disappointment. “Whatever shall I do.”
They laughed.
“Not a bad day, all in all?” asked Mike.
“I’ll tell you a secret,” answered Edie. “I love getting lost in the woods. I even prefer hiking in the rain! This was my favourite kind of hike. I had an awesome day! You?”
“I did, but I’m paying for it now. Which means you’re going to pay for it now,” he teased.
“Whatever do you mean?” asked Edie with a similar teasing tone.
“Have you ever heard of a movie called Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park?” asked Mike.
“Oh no,” said Edie with grim defeat.
“Oh yes. You’re about to spend the next 90 minutes with me, watching one of the worst made-for-TV movies of all time: 1978’s Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park. Fun fact: Peter Criss is in it but they dubbed his voice over by an actor named Michael Bell.”
“Oh Mike,” groaned Edie. “You know I hate old movies!”
“I do know that,” answered Mike, “but I’m the one dying in pain over here!”
Edie relented. “Fine. Put on your Kiss. But afterwards I want to have a night fire.”
“I can manage that,” compromised Mike. “Rock and roll all nite…” he prompted.
“…And party every day?” responded Edie.
“You’ll be ready to join the Kiss army any day now!” cheered Mike. “Ow,” he said as he pulled his leg again.
And with that, pizza was ordered, a movie started, and a night just begun.
Epilogue
“Tommy Lee to Shinzon! Tommy Lee to Shinzon,” shouted the tattooed idiot into the communicator. “Yo, Shinzon, it’s Tommy Lee, pick up pick up pick up dude.”
The radio crackled to life.
“What is it, Lee?” asked a voice with a strange Australian accent. “I’m predisposed at the moment.”
“Yo, dude!” answered Tommy Lee. “I did what you said, dude. I got my alien buds, we got in their UFO, and we went to go mess with Edie Van Heelin’ and Fanboy Mike just like you told me, dude.”
“Excellent, Lee!” answered Shinzon with glee. “What did you do?”
“We totally zapped them with a ray gun and made ’em fall asleep for a couple hours. They had no idea. And then later on they got caught in a rainstorm!”
Shinzon waited to hear more. “…And?”
“And what, dude?” asked a confused Tommy Lee.
“That’s it? You made them fall asleep and they got wet?” Shinzon was clearly furious. “You idiot!” He killed the connection.
His boss would not be happy at all.
THE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’
The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’: Edie vs. Tommy Lee in the Bouncy Castle of Doom! (By LeBrain)
The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’: Edie and the Quest for the Lost Lego (By LeBrain with Harrison Kopp)
The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’: Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation (By LeBrain)
The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’: Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation Part 2 (By LeBrain & California Girl)
The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’: Edie Meets the Wolf (by LeBrain)
THE WRITER’S ROOM
The Writer’s Room: Chapter One
The Writer’s Room: It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like a Tee Bone Man Christmas
The Writer’s Room: Welcome to the Writer’s Room!
THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN: PHASE ONE – THE ________ SAGA
Chapter Zero: Tee Bone Man – Origins (by LeBrain)
Chapter One: A Friend in Need (by LeBrain)
Chapter Two: Hell Freezes Over (by Harrison Kopp)
Chapter Three: Hell Ain’t A Bad Place to Be (by LeBrain)
Chapter Four: Tee Bone Man and the Rink of…Doom? (by Aaron KMA)
Chapter Five: The Super Duper Vault (by John T. Snow)
Chapter Six: Tee Bone Man Goes to Camp (by LeBrain)
Chapter Seven: The Revenge of Common Knowledge (by LeBrain)
Chapter Eight: Tee Bone & Deke’s Time Travelling Adventure (by 80sMetalMan)
Chapter Nine: Castle Communications (by Harrison Kopp)
Chapter Ten: The Case of the Lost Iron Maiden Socks (by LeBrain)
Chapter Eleven: A Tee Bone Man Christmas (by all five of us)
Chapter Twelve: Lost In Space (by John T. Snow)
Chapter Thirteen: Clip Show (by LeBrain)
Chapter Fourteen: Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Discover the Tao (An Intermission) (By Aaron KMA)
Chapter Fifteen: “Max The Axe” (by Harrison Kopp) Coming soon
Chapter Sixteen: “The Epic” parts 1, 2 and 3 (by Harrison Kopp) Coming this spring
Chapter Seventeen: Tee Bone Man vs. Edie Van Heelin’ (by LeBrain & California Girl) Coming this summer – conclusion to Phase One
THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN: PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA
Chapter Eighteen: Shinzon – Origins (By LeBrain)
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