spoogecakes

#1059: Dear D

RECORD STORE TALES #1059: Dear D

 

Nine years ago, after the explosive finale of Record Store Tales where I revealed why I quit for the very first time, the fallout was pretty epic.  I had to end two friendships over it.  One of them sent me an email about it all, that I never read until today.  I was searching through my old email address, looking for unpublished Record Store Tales that I could use for something.  Boy did I find one.

The sender said that I wasn’t allowed to use his email for story content, so I’ll paraphrase.

This former Record Store employee seemed to be primarily upset about the fact that I wasn’t cool with the Record Store demanding that I keep my personal cell phone on 24/7.  I spoke to a lawyer; they can’t do that.  It’s funny how upset these guys were about that.  “Oh, your boss that you hated always kept her cell phone on 24/7.”  Yeah.  Because it was her work phone.  She didn’t pay for it.  She had to keep it on.  It was for work.  My phone was for getting lost on road trips into the GTA.  Came in handy a lot for that.

This sender also engaged in some one-upmanship.  “Oh if you think you had it bad, you should see what I see in my current field of work.”

Never was a competition, dude.  Although he seemed to like to make it one in a lot of his past comments.

“Oh wow, you had an alarm company call you at night?  I had one call me three times in one night.”

That kind of thing.  Competitive.

He loses all credibility by referring to Spoogecakes’ legendary hateful comment as as “constructive feedback”.  You be the judge.  Seriously?  Biased much?  No grip on reality?  If I had been the one to send that “feedback”, you’d be singing a different tune, Bub.

My nine-year belated response:

 

Hi D!  Long time no chat.  It appears that nine years ago, you sent me this email that I never read.  I stumbled upon it just now.

I can’t help but notice that both you and your buddy ignored the fact that my cell phone was my own personal phone, nothing to do with the Store, paid for by me, for my own personal use.  As you know, an employer can’t suddenly demand that you keep a personal cell phone on 24/7.  If I did not tell anyone that I had a cell phone, nobody could have called it, and nothing could have been done about it.  It would have been my personal secret.  The manager of our biggest store, Joe, did not have a cell phone at all, as you well know.  Why was that OK for him, but I had to leave my personal phone on 24/7?

You know all this because you’re an expert on such matters.  You didn’t have to consult a lawyer on such things, like I did.

It’s funny that both of you ignored that unethical behaviour from our old boss.  Wouldn’t have anything to do with her being your friend, would it?  She was at your wedding, as I recall.  Both you and your buddy’s weddings, in fact.  You wouldn’t have a bias here, would you?

Hope you’re well,

Mike

“Write a letter, you’ll feel better”

#902.5: Spoogecakes 2 – Electric Boogaloo

Today’s chapter of Record Store Tales is a direct sequel to Part 35.5:  Spoogecakes!

 

RECORD STORE TALES #902.5: Spoogecakes 2 – Electric Boogaloo

LeBrain HQ has eyes and ears everywhere!   We are like Hydra:  cut off one head and two shall takes its place.

If you recall, when I launched this site in 2012, I had one anonymous hater.  Really nasty, too.  You can read the comments yourself.  This came right out of the blue.  The identity of the hater was confirmed by one of her co-workers at the Record Store:  an employee there at a location I once managed.  I had barely begun publishing my stories.  “Grow up or shut up,” went one of the kinder comments.  This only inspired me to keep writing, with more energy and frequency.  Obviously I had struck a nerve!  I actually owe this hater a huge thanks.  The drama she created catapulted me into another level, and the hits have only increased in the years since.  She provided the launchpad, so I do owe her my gratitude.  Craig Fee dubbed her with the nickname “Spoogecakes”, and I ran with that name for the Record Store Tales that followed.  I turned her hatemail into a chapter of the story.  Lemons into lemonade.

Hey, you wanna troll Record Store Tales?  Then Record Store Tales will troll you right back.  Some of my former co-workers there thought it was incredibly nasty of me exploit her vitriolic comments for views the way I did.  (What they thought of her actions — my so-called friends who were groomsmen at my wedding — they didn’t share that with me.)   I hadn’t planned on writing about her at all.  She was a non-entity and completely unimportant to my story.  She wrote herself in, as far as I was concerned.

Fast forward to the present:  she’s still at the Record Store, and just as endearing as ever.  A few months ago, I was just sitting here boppin’ through my day, when I got an email from a source bearing a tidbit of inside gossip.  My source revealed that Spoogey has been promoted to a manager of some kind, and isn’t the kind you’d want to work for.  I have obscured certain text to protect the identity of the informant, but the bones of their message are below.

“[Spoogecakes] is training someone, and that person has to leave home at 4 AM to get to the store, to suit [Spoogey’s] needs.”

Good luck with training someone after they’ve spent five hours on a bus.  Hope that worked out for ya.  Stuff like that never happened when I was training.  I drove people to and from training if I had to.  (Ask Shane.)

The training in question involves a box of used CDs that we would use to practice buying techniques.  How to check the discs for quality, how to check inventory, and how to price them.   The process of this training was previously detailed in Part 94:  Staffing.  (You can also watch a demonstration of me doing this in a live stream from last year.)  In all my time at the store, I never made anyone get up at 4 AM for this.  The story continues:

“In retaliation, the trainee wanted to leave a surprise for [Spoogey] in the box of used discs.  I got the impression it was a used sex toy.  The plan was for her to find it in the box with the other used items.”

My source said that the gist of the conversation was that “no one likes [Spoogey]. The manager of the store was in disbelief of her antics.”  The source also suggested that the conversation would have been a lot worse and more graphic if there were not customers in the store.

Some things never change!

#543: Loose Lips Sink Ships

GETTING MORE TALE #543: Loose Lips Sink Ships

One night, we had a staff meeting  for managers.  The lesson that evening was that “loose lips sink ships”.  This phrase dates back to World War II.  The idea was to avoid speaking openly about anything to do with the war.  You never know how any of that information might get back to the enemy.  The same held true for the cutthroat world of CD retail.

The reason he had to reinforce that “loose lips sink ships” rule is that one franchisee had made a huge mistake, boasting openly about a great location he had just found for a future store.  Wouldn’t you know it, our biggest rival swooped in and took the spot.  He heard about it because Gabby McGabberson was telling everybody.  The ship had sunk!

This served as a reminder to watch what we say.  You never know who might be listening.  I got caught a few times myself.  One afternoon I was talking about an ex-employee who got himself fired.  Sometimes I felt like he was making me prematurely grey, and I was venting some steam in store.   Little did I know that the guy’s brother was in the store, and reported my words back to him!  Whoopsie.   At least I didn’t say anything that was not true.  He got a new job working at HMV and I think that’s where he was happier to be.  Then there’s good ol’ Spoogecakes.  I can only guess but the loose lips theory is all I can come up with to explain why ex-coworker Spoogey (remember that explosion of drama?) had such a hate-on for me.  It started in mid-2006, about six months after I quit the store.  A third party informed me that she had this weird crush/obsession.  I was oblivious to that and it was a little off-putting to find out.  I think once word got back about how I reacted, the hate set in.  I’ll never know for sure, but the point is: anything said can be repeated.

We were trained to answer customer inquiries about how the store was doing in vague terms only.   The boss caught me once when we first opened the branch I managed.  “How are you guys doing today?” asked a customer.  “Pretty busy!” I answered, seemingly innocently.  Afterwards the boss instructed me, “Never tell people we’re busy.  Never tell them if we’re slow either.  Only answer ‘business is good’.  How do you know that guy won’t try to break in and rob us now that he knows we’re busy?”

Sensible advice.  Never show your cards.  I took that advice and only answered vaguely from that point on.  That’s what I instructed my staff to say too.  Loose lips sink ships:  “Business is good.”  If the customer pressed for more details (and you might not believe it, but some did!) I would just play stupid and say that I didn’t know the numbers.   I even caught a guy trying to sneak a glimpse at my sales log book, all casual-like.  Can you believe that?

Business folks would be well advised to take my old boss’ advice.  Loose lips sink ships!

 

#384: The Messenger

RECORD STORE TALES MkII: Getting More Tale
#384: The Messenger

I hate computer instant messenger services!  Actual conversation from the Record Store circa 2004-ish:

MSNBoss – “Mike, I’ve heard that you are using MSN Messenger at work against store policy.”

Me – “What?  No, that’s wrong.  I don’t even use MSN Messenger.”

Boss – “Are you calling the person who told me a liar?”

Me – “I guess so.  Who told you?”

Boss – “I’m not telling you that.  This your verbal warning.  If I hear about this again you’re getting a written warning.”

Me – “But that’s not fair, they’re wrong.  It wasn’t me!  I don’t even like MSN!”

Boss – “I don’t believe you. I think you are lying to me.  The other person has no reason to lie.”

So that one unfairly went on my record, and I maintain to this day that I HATED MSN MESSENGER!  If you’ve used it, you know what I’m talking about.  I had signed up for an account, but I found it to have no benefits and provided nothing but distraction.  Below, you will find an example of what it’s like to try and write (or do anything) with MSN Messenger on.

“It was a dark, stormy night on the coastline of the small uninhabited…” [MSN BEEP!] “…island.  The man wore a thin coat that did not protect him…” [BEEP!] [BEEP!] “…from the rain.  He dragged through the mud a large [BEEP!] canvas duffle bag that [BEEP!] was already soaked completely [BEEP!] through to its contents. The man shuffled onwards, awkwardly [BEEP!] pulling the load behind [BEEP!] him.  He grimaced as he readjusted his [BEEP!] GODDAMN THIS MSN I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PUNCH THE MONITOR IF IT BEEPS ONE MORE DAMN TIME!”

I don’t remember who talked me into signing up for MSN in the first place, but it was probably some girl that I was interested in at the time.  Once set up, my computer signed me in automatically at every boot, because I never figured out how to disable it afterwards.  Indeed, our store tech guy couldn’t even disable it on our work computers.  He could hide it and prevent it from starting at setup, but he couldn’t completely delete it from Windows.  Thanks, Microsoft.  The only employee that I knew for certain used it at work was Spoogecakes, who left herself logged in one day after her shift!

I did use email at work (just like the same bosses did) against store policy.  But MSN?  Hell no!  The reason I know that is that I hate MSN Messenger to this day, just like I hate chickpeas or lentils!  I had one, just like all the cool kids, but the sound of that “MSN beep” is still enough to make me jump out of my chair.

I couldn’t make it all the way through this video.

Part 275: Catharis (Second Anniversary special)

MIKELADANOMikeladano.com celebrates its second anniversary today!  It started with Record Store Tales Part 1, and here we are at Part 275!  (That’s one tale every 2.65 days for the numbers-oriented out there.)  A huge THANK-YOU to everyone who’ve read my stuff; as David Lee Roth says, “It ain’t no fuckin’ good without an audience.”  I also need to thank those friends that read this stuff years ago and told me to keep writing — they know who they are.   And my family, but especially the lovely Mrs. LeBrain who lets me rock and roll all nite and part of every day.  I love you sweety.

Enjoy this Record Store Tale!

RECORD STORE TALES Part 275:  Catharsis

Sometimes when I hit these milestones, I like to reflect on where I’ve been and where I’m headed.  Two years ago when I began publishing the Record Store Tales I didn’t know if anyone would read it.  I was pleased to find that enough people enjoyed reading these stories that it was worth continuing.

I knew when I started posting these that eventually, inevitably, somebody from the old record store would find them.  I made the decision to write under my real name, not a pseudonym.  I anticipated that while some of my old friends would be entertained by these stories, some would not.  I took efforts to protect the identities of the characters in the story that are not portrayed in a positive light.

I did a “soft” launch of the site.  That is, I began publishing the stories one chapter at a time, but I kept it to myself and a close circle of friends.  The response was very positive and constructive.  While some friends urged me to “keep it short”, one of the most popular earlier stories was one of the longest.  Part 16: Traveling Man was the story of a long misadventure in Oakville Ontario, climaxed by an encounter with an unpleasant lawyer customer.  One friend told me the story was “fucking hilarious” and that he anticipated from the start that the guy in the story was a lawyer.   This feedback encouraged me to keep going for it.  I was fired up.

Then once I had enough content up to give people something substantial to read, I did my “official” launch via Facebook, Twitter and email.  It didn’t take long for the rain to hit my parade.  As I anticipated some people from the store didn’t like my stories, but Spoogecakes was the only one to publicly voice her disgust, way back in Part 35.5.  The funny thing about this was that I hadn’t planned on even mentioning Spoogecakes in my story, but then she went and wrote herself in.  Oh well.

I never could have done a white-washed version of the Record Store Tales.  I tried.  Seven or eight years ago I tried something called “Record Store-ies” (lame title, I know).  Some of the “Record Store-ies” got recycled into the old Klassic Kwotes, but it wasn’t the satisfying, cathartic experience that my soul had been craving.  After the Spoogecakes shit-storm, I approached a mentor of mine about the situation.  I asked him if I had been too negative in the past, if I should have toned it down.  His response to me was something I have taken to heart ever since.

“If you compromise your art in order to please a small minority of people no matter how vocal, you will ultimately end up with a piece of art that you don’t like.”

That was great advice.  My bottom line is always, “Do I like it?”  I’ve tried to maintain a balance.  There are stories about people with whom I conflicted, but there are also stories about things like me shitting my pants in the store.   And I didn’t give myself an alias for these stories!

This isn’t just storytelling to me.  This is catharsis.  While I was experiencing everything I experienced in the record store, good or bad, I held tight to one thought.  That thought was, “When this is all over, at least I will have a bunch of great stories to share.  If I can entertain just a few people with these stories then it’s all been worth it.”   Spoogecakes commented that there are “two sides to every story”.

That’s right.  And this is mine.

Part 230: Nicknames

WINNER!

RECORD STORE TALES Part 230:  Nicknames

It’s true.  You may have a nickname at your favourite store that you don’t even know about!  Maybe you’re known for your surly manner.  Maybe you’re known for returning everything you buy, or a unique form of transportation.  Whatever the case may be, here’s a selection of my favourite nicknames from the record store days!

* Sadly, “Surly Brad” (who was actually a nice guy) passed away in 2011.

Part 180: Google

RECORD STORE TALES Part 180:  Google

We first got email and internet at the record store in the late 90’s.  One of the big fears back then was the dreaded computer virus, but of course we also had to deal with internet abuse.  I remember coming in to work one day to find our computer’s MSN Messenger still active from the night shift; Spoogecakes left herself logged in.  Myself, I was never that fussed about MSN, I was more an email guy.  I got busted emailing a few times, I had verbal warnings, but I never did anything like leaving myself logged into MSN!

The powers that be were concerned about time wasted on the internet, and the viruses. This put into effect a strict internet policy.  Part of that was blocking nearly every useful site on the internet.  There were only a handful of sites available to us.  There was a secret password override, which made the rounds once leaked.  The guy who figured out the password decided to share it on his very last shift.  His name shall go down in hallowed halls, somewhere, someday.

Some of the sites that we were allowed to access included Canoe, so we could print out the charts, and Allmusic so we could do album lookups.  Allmusic was next to useless, being so slow and inaccurate.   I preferred Google.  The beauty of Google was that you didn’t have to use it to actually go to another (potentially shady) site, you could use it just to answer a simple question.  For example:

CARLY RAE JEPSEN

So there’s your answer, without even having to click on one of those shady lyric sites.

Now, I showed my bosses how to use Google to answer the toughest customer questions.  Often, a customer would come in and say, “I’m looking for a song, but I only know a few words.  Can you help?”  This was long before you could hold up your iPhone and use an app to do it for you.  You had to ask the folks on the radio, or at the record store.

Google was the easiest most accurate way to answer these questions.  So, here’s a question you might get:  “I’m looking for a song by somebody that goes, ‘in the midnight hour, I want more more more'”.

Plug it into Google like so, and you get your answer.

REBEL YELL

Again, you don’t even have to click on the shady lyric sites.  Then once you know the artist (Billy Idol) you could just run over to the shelves and see if you had that song.  If you didn’t, Allmusic could tell you which album you want, now that you knew the name of the song and artist.

I showed them this trick, but they would not budge on the block policy.  They insisted that Google be blocked.  They thought you could use Google to visit a blocked site.  Just clicking the link, they thought, would bypass the block.  They thought the block only applied to the address bar.

I explained this but the answer remained “No.”  Google was to remain blocked, purely because they didn’t understand how Internet Explorer worked.  Essentially, we were blocked from a simple tool to answer common questions.  At least many of us secretly had the override password, but before that leaked, we couldn’t access a search site like Google.  I had a customer say to me, “Can’t you check the internet?  The guy at HMV can.”  And no, technically I couldn’t.  Allmusic didn’t have a feature to look up song lyrics, and its search engine was pretty shitty as it was.

With today’s technology you can do this easily with a cell phone, that was unimaginable to us 10 years ago.  Regardless of the policy, I used the password to use Google and answer questions.  And I checked my email, too!

NEXT TIME ON RECORD STORE TALES…

Part 181:  Jim Carrey’s clone

Part 157: The Year in Review / Top 5

RECORD STORE TALES Part 157:   The Year in Review

So here we are, the tail end of 2012.  While I’m sure you’re just starting to get your drink on, we here at LeBrain’s Blog are tirelessly bringing you the rock even into the wee final hours.  This is the time, traditionally, when we look at the past year!

We used to do Top Five of the Year lists at the record store, when we used to have our newsletter.  Unfortunately I don’t have copies of any of those newsletters, not a one, which is a real shame since I poured my heart and soul into them as much as anybody else at the store.  It would have been fun to look back 15 years and see what my top five of 1997 was.  I do know for certain two albums that were on it:  Accident of Birth by Bruce Dickinson, and The Colour and the Shape by Foo Fighters!  The rest have been lost to the dusts of time.

Hey, if any of you guys are still speaking to me and have copies of the newsletter, lemme know eh? ;)

Back to the present for a moment:

What can I say about 2012?  Before I even thought about doing my own blog, events were in motion that pushed me in that direction.   My good buddy Craig Fee invited me down to 107.5 Dave FM for an entire week — Stump LeBrain Week!  I spent a week on the air, with listeners trying to stump me.  There were even a couple LeBrain Weeks and an entire month of LeBrainuary, where every single day’s 4 O’clock 4 Play quizzes were mined from my own brain’s knowledge.  It was a blast, and left me hungry for more.

I’d always been writing Record Store Tales.  The oldest ones were at least a decade old on my hard drive, but I had no idea what to do with them.  I’d also been writing reviews — well over 800 of them on file before I launched — that very few people had seen.  Craig said to me, “LeBrain, you need to get blogging this stuff.  Write something every day.  If you build it, they will come.”

So that’s what I did, and I thank you for reading.

Back to the Record Store Tales:

I published Part 1 on March 9 2012, the beginning of the story, called Run to the Hills.  It was about the very first time I heard Iron Maiden, a date I’ll never forget.  And thus LeBrain’s Blog and Record Store Tales were launched.

Some highlights from the early months that you may have missed if you’re fairly new here:

So, if you have nothing better to do on this New Year’s Eve, there’s a good waste of time for ya.

And now that we’re done with the preamble…let’s get down to business.

LeBRAIN’S TOP FIVE OF 2012

5. TENACIOUS D – Rize of the Fenix

KG and JB cannot be stopped.  This album is the “Deth Starr” of rock, The D aim “To Be The Best”!   Read LeBrain’s review of Rize of the Fenix here, including all bonus tracks.

4. THE DARKNESS – Hot Cakes

I will never stop loving this band.  Welcome back.  Read LeBrain’s review of Hot Cakes here.

3.  RUSH – Clockwork Angels

My favourite Rush album since Counterparts, at least. Read LeBrain’s review of Clockwork Angels here.

2. VAN HALEN – A Different Kind of Truth

I’d never been more worried that a band would fuck up their big comeback.  Thankfully, Van Halen did not.  Read LeBrain’s review of A Different Kind of Truth here.

And finally…

1. KISS – Monster

You know this was gonna happen.  Aside from the fact that I’m the biggest Kiss fan around, it’s a fucking great record.  Read LeBrain’s review of Monster here.

Runner up:  Jethro Tull’s Ian Anderson – TAAB2 Thick As A Brick 2.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Part 55: Groupies

Hello, all, when we last met, we were talking about a weird record store stalker.  Today, we’re going to be talking about record store groupies.

Now, I dunno about other guys.  I didn’t have too many groupies.  (Spoogecakes does not count as a groupie, as she was not a customer, just a psycho employee.) Some of the girls did.  I remember Ashleigh had a couple admirers that we fondly referred to as “the Trekkies”.  Me, on the other hand…I had Tall One and Short One.

Problem:  If memory serves, Tall One was about 15, and Short One was about 16.  I was about 30.  

But the really weird thing is that Tall One and Short One had both simultaneously shitty, and awesome musical taste.   It was like…Schrödinger’s taste.  In the same transaction, they would purchase both Steve Vai, and the Moffats.  They later graduated on to Kiss.

Second weird thing.  That was a decade ago, and bizarrely through Facebook we re-contacted.  Tall One even came to my pre-wedding garage sale and bought some of my crap!  A lot of my crap, actually.

Everybody used to give me a hard time about Tall One and Short One, because they used to come in all the time, but I couldn’t be mean to them.  Well, I was mean a couple times, I had to tell them to get lost I was busy.  But then other times, they would come in with a huge box of Crispy Creme donuts.  That time, I remember I ate four in a row.

“You ate four in a row?” Short One later said.  “Do you know that each donut is like eating two Big Macs?”

“Uhhh…no?” I said.

“Congratulations, you ate eight Big Macs.  Those were for everybody!  Did you share?”

“Uhhh…a couple.”

So there you go.  I’m sure other record store guys have better groupie stories.  But did they get Cripsy Creme?  Exactly!

Part 54: Stalkers

Flashback: July 1994.

When I first started at the store, my first day, my new boss gave me the orientation.  We were both young, early 20’s.   It went very well.  I was excited.  I’ll never forget one thing he said:

I think you’ll find that it’s hard work, but rewarding and fun work.  You get to listen to music while you work, the discount is really good, and you’ll meet so many girls here.  Trust me, this is the best place to meet them.

That proved not to be the case.

Flash forward:  June 2004.

In the 10 years since, I had not once — not even once! — dated a girl through work.  Granted I’m kind of an idiot when it comes to girls.  Never did know how to talk to them without sounding like the biggest idiot in the world.  Also I somehow pick up a stutter when talking to them.

Anyway, year after year, I stuttered my way through a decade of probably talking like an idiot in front of hundreds of female customers.

One sunny afternoon in June, I was working the late shift.  It was a really nice day, a “windows open” kind of day.

I was working with this guy Matt.  Around 6 or so, I had to step out to pick up some boxes from another location.  Rush, “Summertime Blues” was on the radio, the first time I ever heard it.  When I returned to the store about 45 minutes later, I said, “Matt!  Holy shit man, I just heard the new Rush from their covers album.  It’s amazing man!”

Ignoring me, he said,”Did you see those two blonde girls in the store before you left?”

I said, “Yeah, the two hot ones?”

Matt responded, “Well one was hot, the other looked like the Angry Walrus.  That one left you a note.”

He handed me a piece of yellow paper with a kitten on it.  It just said “Paula” and then a phone number.

“Seriously?” I asked him.

“Seriously.  I wouldn’t make something like this up, man.”

Good enough for me.  The one he referred to as “the so-so one” looked good to me!  The glorious prophecy of my boss has come true!

I called the number on the paper and we agreed to go out for coffee.  I asked her about the note she left, I told her that’s never happened to me before.  She told me she was there with her friend, she noticed me there, but I left before she could hand me the note personally.  So she asked Matt if he could give me her note.

We went out four or five times, but it clearly wasn’t happening.  And that’s where it gets weird.

When she sent me the “Let’s just be friends,” email, she added a double whammy for me.  She told me that the story about seeing me in the store and leaving the note was actually a frabrication.

See, she’d see my profile on some site somewhere, and I must have said that I worked in a record store in the tri-city area.  Rather than get an account and send me a message like a normal person would, she tried something different.

“Well,” she began, “in your profile you said you worked in a CD store.  You said you were from the KW-Cambridge area.  There was a picture of you there, so I figured I could just checking stores until I found you.”  Pardon?  “I’m sorry I lied about just walking in and seeing you there.  Anyway, you’re cool and I’m cool but it’s just not happening, so…”

So…that was mildly creepy and I didn’t feel so bad about it not working out after that!