American Dad

#537.3: 2016 Can Suck Balls – Year End Lists, Part 3 – LeBrain

GETTING MORE TALE #537.3: 2016 Can Suck Balls
Year End Lists, Part 3 – LeBrain

Regardless of the music, 2016 will go down in history (for most of us) for just one notorious reason:  The sheer number of stars that we lost, both young and old.  Even after I had completed a list of the most significant pop culture deaths in 2016, I had to add even more names:  Debbie Reynolds, and Carrie Fisher.  Princess Leia was one of my first heroes.  I was five years old.  Carrie was an incredible woman, who lived a hard life and came out laughing.

2016

Perspective.

 

But we’ll save the deaths for last.

Ever since the Record Store days, I have always done my albums as a Top Five. We had a newsletter and employees were asked to submit their Top Fives of the year. That being the case, I’ve always stuck with that tradition even when my compatriots have submitted some pretty awesome Top Tens.

You can check out the submitted Top Ten lists here:

After much deliberation, here are my Top Five albums of 2016.

 

5. Metallica – Hardwired…To Self-Destruct

4. Tragically Hip – Man Machine Poem

3. Jim Crean – Insatiable

2. The Cult – Hidden City

1. Monster Truck – Sittin’ Heavy

***

And of course, some killer runners-up.  These three releases rocked hard and were just barely squeezed out of the Top Five:

A Rebel Few – As The Crow Flies

Black Sabbath – The End

Evilyn Strange – Evilution

Top TV shows of 2016

Some extras!  The TV shows below are the only ones I bother with.  If you haven’t watched American Dad yet, after all my badgering, I don’t know what else I can say about the funniest show on TV!

tv

Actually I do — American Dad has the best musical jokes.  You will hear plenty of great tunes:  Metallica, The Sword, Stan Bush, Satriani, Rush, Queen, and many more.  And even the songs you don’t like (Owl City, Kelly Clarkson?) are hilarious, because of the context.  That’s what makes a musical joke work.  You can find a complete list of songs used in American Dad by clicking here.

Top four TV shows:

4. Family Guy

3. The Grinder

2. The Walking Dead

1. American Dad

Dropping off the list is the Big Bang Theory which started to suck a couple years ago, a few noteworthy episodes aside (such as any time Wil Wheaton shows up).

Top Movies of 2016
movie

Movies were…just movies.  There was nothing this year with the emotional impact of The Force Awakens.  The films below are not in any particular order.  They are just movies, nothing more and nothing less.  2016 was a somewhat disappointing year for the silver screen.  (I have not yet seen Arrival.)

Star Wars: Rogue One

Captain America: Civil War

Suicide Squad

Star Trek Beyond

Deadpool

 

And sadly, the real dead pool.  These are just some of the musicians, actors, writers and sports heroes we lost in the year of 2016. Many went way too young.  At the 11th hour, I received this sketch of Carrie Fisher as Princess Leia.  It was drawn by Wardy who you may know as regular reader here.  Thank you Wardy for sending and giving me permission to post this great sketch.  (Wardy is one talented guy with a pencil.)  Rest in peace to all below.

carrie-fisher-1956-2016-sketch-by-wardy

  • Paul MacLeod
  • David Bowie
  • Prince
  • Alan Rickman
  • George Michael
  • Rick Parfitt
  • Ralph “Chick” Schumilas
  • John Glenn
  • Muhammad Ali
  • Florence Henderson
  • Gene Wilder
  • Arnold Palmer
  • Leonard Cohen
  • Dave Broadfoot
  • Glenn Frey
  • Gordie Howe
  • Harper Lee
  • Phife Dawg
  • Sir George Martin
  • Anton Yelchin
  • Garry Shandling
  • Christina Grimmie
  • Alan Thicke
  • Kenny Baker
  • Leon Russell
  • Merle Haggard
  • Paul Kantner
  • Jimmy Bain
  • John McLaughlin
  • Abe Vigoda
  • Chyna
  • Pat Harrington Jr.
  • Keith Emerson
  • Greg Lake
  • David Huddleston
  • Maurice White
  • George Kennedy
  • Rob Ford
  • Ralph Stanley
  • George Gaynes
  • Alan Young
  • Frank Sinatra Jr.
  • Lonnie Mack
  • Nick Menza
  • Prince Be
  • Bernie Worrell
  • Matt Roberts
  • Mr. Fuji
  • Alexis Arquette
  • Stanley “Buckwheat” Dural Jr.
  • Jose Fernandez
  • Jean Shepard
  • Pete Burns
  • Robert Vaughn
  • Bobby Vee
  • Leonard Haze
  • James Wooley
  • Sandy Pearlman
  • John Berry
  • John Thomas
  • Dale “Buffin” Griffin
  • Carrie Fisher
  • Debbie Reynolds

 

Rest in peace, and thank you for making our days a little brighter.

LeBrain

TV REVIEW: American Dad (featuring James Hetfield of Metallica) – “The Life Aquatic with Steve Smith”

AMERICAN DAD! – “The Life Aquatic with Steve Smith” (Episode 2, season 12)

American Dad is back!  The 12th (or 13th) season (depending on how you count) commenced last week.  While last week’s instalment was ho-hum, this week’s was a brilliant return to form, thanks in no small part to the mighty metal music of Metallica.

It is spring time.  14 year old Steve Smith has vowed that this year, he will finally get to touch his first real boobs.  His latest scheme is simple.  Varsity athletes seem to touch boobs all the time.  Therefore, Steve needs a varsity jacket.  The water polo team is looking for members, and hardly anyone has signed up.  At tryouts, we meet the coach:  “I’m the new coach, James Hetfield.  I know what you’re thinking.  ‘Woah! The James Hetfield from Metallica?’  The answer is no way.  Even though I look and sound like him, and have all his guitars.  The point is, if I had to deal with the kind of pressure that guy is under, I’d probably crack and end up as a high school water polo coach.  So it’s a good thing that I’m just this very different James Hetfield.”

Unfortunately Steve cannot swim and is cut from the team.  Only when he colludes with the family goldfish Klaus (an East German ski jumper whose brain was transferred into the body of a fish) does he have a chance.   They realize that Steve can become the greatest water polo player in the world, with a little extra help from Klaus.  Klaus operates Steve’s legs by using his short n’ curlies as puppet strings, and Steve is unstoppable!  With his legs being controlled by Klaus, Steve can concentrate on the ball.  Cue:  “Master of Puppets”.  Steve is back on the team!  In fact, he’s the star.

The next musical number is the more recent “All Nightmare Long” (one of the best tunes from Death Magnetic), accompanying a montage scene.  Steve and Klaus’ plan seems to be working, as Steve attracts the attention of Amy (Ashley Tisdale), the school sports editor.  She wants to know what makes Steve so skilled at water polo, and the pressure is on.  James Hetfield orders the team to take the rival highschool “off to neva-neva-land-ah!”

The side plot involves Stan Smith and Roger the alien buying a sailboat at a CIA auction.  Roger’s antics are always hilarious, but the side plot can’t help but remain in the shadow of the main Metallica feature.  Still, Roger’s voice is always hilarious to me, and I crack up when I get to hear Roger calling people “assholes”.  I am easily amused.  The show does benefit from the ability to use mild swearing now.  Roger and Stan realize that owning a boat is kind of useless since they have nowhere to go and no idea how to sail.  They must get rid of it…somehow!

If American Dad can maintain this level of quality, it is bound to be a great season.  It’s also good to know that American Dad is maintaining its strong musical connections, even though showrunner Mike Barker left in 2013.  Barker was responsible for many of the show’s best such moments, such as the My Morning Jacket episode.  Although last season was a little bumpy, this episode might be the best one since Barker left.

5/5 stars

TV REVIEW: American Dad – “Why Can’t We Be Friends?”


AMERICAN DAD! – “Why Can’t We Be Friends?” (Episode 5, season 9)

Seth MacFarlane’s American Dad is a very musical show.  That’s why this is the second episode I’ve reviewed so far.  It’s rare to find a cartoon with so much musical integrity.  From an episode based on a song by Wax Fang, to another showcasing the band My Morning Jacket and their lead singer Jim James, they really stuff the show full of tunage.  Not to mention they also use plenty of original music!  There was one episode featuring Cee-Lo Green as a talking, singing hot tub.  For real!  Then there’s the original song  “He’s Got a Kink”,  with a dirty, dirty message!

You’ve got a kink,
You’ve got a kink,
Don’t be afraid to put a finger in the stink!

While the episode “My Morning Straightjacket” was probably one of the most musical episodes of any comedy show anywhere, it was “Why Can’t We Be Friends?” that earns top marks at LeBrain HQ.  Why?  Rush. 2112!

With Steve Smith dressed as a glammed-up Alex Lifeson, and his best friend Snot Lonstein as Geddy, the episode opens with the two best friends rocking out in the garage, playing air guitar to Rush’s immortal epic “2112”.  When Steve’s dad Stan comes home, he is none too amused by the tight costumes, wigs and finger-flicking.  “I-I don’t know where to start.  Look at you two.  Best case scenario, you’re telling me you’re gay with each other,” complains Stan.

AMERICAN DAD 2

Steve and Snot defend the air guitar, but a furious Stan smashes Snot’s tape deck and forbids Steve from seeing him again.  Of course this does not work, so Stan does the obvious thing to get rid of Snot.  He stages a fake mafia hit in front of the young kid, and then takes him away to be in the CIA witness protection program…forever.

Snot goes into hiding (the apartment building is #2112).  While delivering Snot his weekly groceries, Stan finds that he actually likes the kid.  They begin to hang out.  When Steve finally figures out what his dad has done, he tracks Snot down…only to find him playing air guitar to “2112” with a wigged-out Stan!

The episode is dedicated to “BFFs everywhere”, and I admit I get the feels at the end.  In an homage to Say Anything, Snot and Steve reunite, with a glorious air-guitared version of “Always With Me, Always With You” by Joe Satriani.  Yes, the episode is a tribute to best friends.  I think it is also a tribute to the pure joy that is air guitar.  The two things go together.  I played many many hours of air guitar with my best friend Bob, and nothing can erase the sheer happiness we had doing so.  I identify with this episode!  Not the dad breaking up the friendship part, but the friendship itself.

Highly recommended for nostalgic air guitarists everywhere.

5/5 stars

AMERICAN DAD 3

 

Blu-ray REVIEW: Ted 2 (2015)

TED 2 (2015 Universal)

Directed by Seth McFarlane

What happens when you let a bunch of now-grown Star Trek nerds from the 80’s make a movie? Apparently, they make Ted.  If you let ’em do it twice, you get Ted 2.

I really don’t know how this works, but Ted 2 provides ample proof of its own Trek-nerdiness.  Forget the fact that the climax takes place at New York Comic-Con.  Do you realize how many Trek actors appear in Ted 2?

  • Patrick Stewart (Jean-Luc Picard), as he was in the first Ted, is the narrator.  (Don’t forget he is also currently CIA Deputy Director Bulloch on Seth McFarlane’s American Dad! )
  • Nana Visitor, better known as Major Kira Nerys on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, is an underrated performer with a good role here.  She still looks amazing.
  • LeVar Burton (Geordie LaForge) appears in a brief clip from Roots as Kunta Kinte, but I’m still counting it.
  • Pushing it here, but Ron Canada (from Canada!), who plays the judge in Ted 2, did guest shots on three different Star Trek series.
  • Best of all is Michael Dorn (Lt. Worf) as Rick; gay lover to Patrick Warburton’s Guy.  Took me a while to pick up on the fact that it was Michael Dorn.  Only when he showed up in uniform at Comic-Con did it sink in!
Dorn and Warburton as...well, you know who.

Dorn and Warburton as…well, you know who.

So: McFarlane likes Star Trek.  That’s obvious.  He likes a lot of stuff, and Ted 2 is less a story than a running series of references to other movies.  From Jurassic Park to the cheesy ending to Contact, these characters walk and talk quoting movies all the friggin’ time.  It’s all they do!  One thing you will see and hear less of going forward:  Star Wars in any McFarlane production.  According to the audio commentary, the friendly relationship that Seth used to have with Lucasfilm has vanished since they were sold, and Disney have made it pretty clear that further collaborations will not be happening.  So you can kiss the idea of a Family Guy: The Force Awakens goodbye.

Unfortunately, characters that quote stuff is as deep as it gets.  Mark Wahlberg’s Johnny has divorced Mila Kunis, because she was trying to change him too much.  Well, yeah…that was the whole plot of Ted 1.  Wahlberg wanted to grow up and marry Mila.  Now he decides that’s actually not what he wanted, after fighting for it so hard in the first movie.  In Ted 2, we see Marky Mark hanging around with Ted a lot, and we see him getting into plenty of hijacks, but Mark Wahlberg is little more than a non-character sidekick in this one.  Ted is Ted; a foul-mouthed Peter Griffin who gets away with it by being a teddy bear.  Newcomer Amanda Seyfried steals the movie with her likeable lawyer character, Sam L. Jackson.  And yes, she has not heard of the actor Samuel L. Jackson, nor does she pick up on any of Ted and Johnny’s movie quotes, and that’s the driving force of the trio’s interactions.  Seyfried is a wonderfully talented actress with a very expressive face, and she easily outclasses everyone she’s in a scene with (except obviously Morgan Freeman).  To her credit she’s a good sport about her famous large blue eyes.  They are the butt of a few jokes in the movie — the best ones actually.  Seyfried is obviously a good shit and I bet she’s fun to have a beer with.  She also gets to sing, and that award-winning voice performs the original theme song “Mean Ol’ Moon”.

The plot, such as it is, was inspired by the Star Trek: The Next Generation episode “The Measure of a Man”; I shit you not.  This is even acknowledged by McFarlane in the commentary.  Ted and Tami-Lynn (Jessica Barth) have been married a while but it’s not working out.  So, they do what every struggling couple in America does to heal their relationship:  have a kid.  At first, you think the movie will be about Ted and Marky Mark getting into hijinks and capers, trying to steal donor sperm from demigods like Tom Brady.   Then it awkwardly shifts to a legal slant, with Ted having to prove he is a person and not property in a court, just like Lt. Data did in Star Trek.  Data had Captain Picard to defend him, and McFarlane says that Amanda Seyfriend’s opening comments in the courtroom scene were inspired by Picard’s.

In Star Trek, if Data were declared to be property, then Starfleet could have cut him open to mass produce intelligent androids to serve as a working class.  In Ted 2, Giovanni Ribisi’s evil Donny wants to do something similar.  He convinces Hasbro that they can take Ted, and cut him open to see what makes him tick, and repeat the magic.  Billions of dollars would be made.  All this hinges on him being declared property in court.  There would be few repercussions for Hasbro to steal a teddy bear, compared to a person, to dissect it!

You have to give McFarlane credit for a great Mel Brooks-inspired opening musical number, and a brawl finale.  You have to admire Amanda Seyfried’s abilities, and Pantene Pro V-perfect hair.  Otherwise Ted 2 is a lazy retread.  I don’t mean “lazy” in the sense that it wasn’t hard work.  It clearly was hard work making this movie, doing the perfect CG bear and motion capture.  The reason we don’t talk about the bear much is that he seems perfectly real at all times.  No, I mean “lazy” in the writing.  There are plenty of funny jokes, situations, and lines.  There are no characters we care or even know much about.  How did Seyfried’s Sam, age 26, become a lawyer who can play guitar and sing better than 95% of the ladies currently in the top 40, all while suffering debilitating migraines that require her to constantly smoke marijuana?  How???  It’s hard to get involved in the characters when they’re so obviously not human, and I’m not referring to Ted!  How does Marky Mark support himself?  Does he still have a job?  We never see him at work.

Best gag:  A Liam Neeson cameo.  Stay tuned for the post credit scene.

Special features:  Unrated version of the movie, audio commentary, gag real, deleted scenes (mostly alternate lines from scenes in the movie), and plenty of making-of featurettes.  The “Creating Comic-Con” feature was interesting, from a Trek nerd point of view.  Check out how they made that giant starship Enterprise that hangs from the ceiling.  It’s just based on a model that McFarlane had on his desk!

Blu-ray annoyance:  These text info-boxes advertising other movies pop up on every menu, unless you specifically look for the setting that turns them off.  That’s…mildly vexatious.

Stupid infobox.

Stupid infobox.

Joke tagline: Ted 2 – more of the same, but now with Seyfried!  Whose last name I can now pronounce correctly, thanks to the commentary.

3/5 stars

Scan_20151231 (2)

 

#459.3: 2015 Year-End Lists, part 3 – LeBrain!

GETTING MORE TALE #459.3:
2015 Year-End Lists, part 3 – yours truly, LeBrain!

Unlike my companions in rock, Tom and Uncle Meat, I’m going to be a bit more verbose here with my top lists of 2015.

I thought I had my top five albums down.  I didn’t expect any changes, but then a couple respected writers started praising the new Def Leppard album.  I decided, against my better judgement to go ahead and buy it.  What can I say?  Those reviewers were right.  It’s a good album.  Def Leppard 2015 cracked my top five list, necessitating a top six.

LeBRAIN’S TOP SIX(!) ALBUMS of 2015

6. Def Leppard – Def Leppard
5. Stealth – …listen
4. Queensryche – Condition Hüman
3. The Darkness – Last of Our Kind
2. Faith No More – Sol Invictus
1. Iron Maiden – The Book of Souls

2015

LeBRAIN’S TOP FIVE TV SHOWS of 2015

I actually watched enough TV this year to make up a list!

5. Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
4. The Big Bang Theory
3. Star Wars: Rebels
2. Better Call Saul
1. American Dad!

BIG BANG

LeBRAIN’S TOP MOVIES of 2015

As far as I know, only one movie came out this year, right?

1. Star Wars: The Force Awakens

FORCE

2015 IN SUM

The high quality of new albums by returning bands continues to amaze me.  The last band I expected a quality album from this year was Def Leppard.  Of course, on the flip side of that, we have Bon Jovi who choked to death on pop dreck.  Given what was coming out this year, and what the stakes were (a possible final album from Iron Maiden, the first Faith No More CD in 18 years), you couldn’t have realistically hoped for better than we got.  Meanwhile on the new music front, it is hard to find a better debut than …listen, by Stealth.  Not rock in any way, but more mind-expanding than anything else I heard in 2015.

And talk about high stakes on the movie front!  The most anticipated movie of all time is going to be the most successful movie of all time, thanks to it pushing all the right buttons while moving the story into its next phase.  Because of my wife’s health condition (epilepsy) I don’t go out to movies very often, preferring to wait for the blu-ray.  Age of Ultron and Ant-Man pleased me immensely.  But worth more than just an honourable mention is Mad Mad: Fury Road.  Unlike Star Wars, Mad Max rebooted while going off into a startling new direction.  It was probably the most impressive film of the year…but even so, my 2015 was only about Star Wars.  Just trust me — see Mad Max: Fury Road.  See it many times.

Finally:  Rest in peace Lemmy Kilmister, Philthy Animal Taylor (that’s 2/3rds of the classic Motorhead lineup, wiped out), Scott Weiland, Chris Squire, Ornette Coleman, Ben E. King, Percy Sledge, A.J. Pero, Andy Fraser, and of course, B.B. King.

Happy New Year, everybody!

 

fnm

 

#362: Lávate las manos!

RECORD STORE TALES MkII: Getting More Tale
#362: Lávate las manos! (Wash your hands!)

What is the prime rule of retail? Some sources say it’s an employee’s presentation, from language to punctuality to appearance. A knowledgeable staff is absolutely important, and even trumps friendliness. Friendliness without knowledge in a retail environment doesn’t help the customer. Customer service is clearly important, as is leading by example, which I tried to do myself. Other sources say convenience is king. An online presence is a must, but in brick and mortar stores, what truly is the one prime, cardinal rule of retail?

I say it’s a simple one. Wash your hands!

Research suggests that in the United States, 22 million days of work are lost per year just by common illnesses spread in the conventional ways. When a sick employee does manage to make it into work, their productivity is reduced due to lack of energy and focus. They risk spreading the illness further, and also disgusting potential customers with their coughing and sneezing.

It’s easy enough to reduce the spread just by making sure your employees are washing their hands. According to the CDC, “Handwashing is like a ‘do-it-yourself’ vaccine—it involves five simple and effective steps (Wet, Lather, Scrub, Rinse, Dry) that you can take to reduce the spread of diarrheal and respiratory illness so you can stay healthy. Regular handwashing, particularly before and after certain activities, is one of the best ways to remove germs, avoid getting sick, and prevent the spread of germs to others.” By “certain activities”, I can tell you that buying used CDs off the public certainly qualified. At the Record Store, we had a bottle of hand sanitizer at the register, so I could quickly scrub up if there was no time to hit the washroom.

I have seen some gross, disgusting substances on CDs that I and my staff have handled. That doesn’t even include the invisible germs that were on a lot of them! Sticky CDs and CD cases were quite common. When I first started out, I caught hell from the boss because I didn’t want to buy a box of CDs from a guy who had very few discs without yucky, sticky CD cases! Most of the time, we couldn’t identify the goo, although we were fairly certain that some had been covered with semen before. (Needless to say, we passed on the semen CD, no complaints from bosses that time.)

The most disturbing health risk that I witnessed was covering the in-demand box set called Good Vibrations: Thirty Years of the Beach Boys. It was covered in blood – still wet, as the guy selling it to us was actually bleeding from his hands at that moment! The staff guy who was handling the set, Jason, quietly announced, “I have to go and wash my hands – they are covered with blood.” The customer then laughed and said, “Yah, that’s me. But don’t worry, I ain’t got AIDS or nothin’.”

With hindsight, I seemed to be sick all the time. Handling all that dirty money and those filthy CDs, it was almost impossible to keep my hands clean. All it takes is one itchy eye to rub without thinking, and BAM! You’ve got a virus! At the Record Store I suffered from all sorts of ailments, as did we all. I also felt a certain amount of pressure to show up for work even when I was under the weather, so I tended to work through it.

I would give the same advice to customers and staff alike: There is only one prime rule of retail. If you want to stop spreading all those filthy germs, lávate las fucking manos!

LAVATE

TV REVIEW: American Dad – “Lost in Space” / Wax Fang – “Majestic”

AMERICAN DAD – “Lost in Space” (Episode 18, season 9)
WAX FANG – “Majestic” (from the album La La Land)

I’ve been sick the last couple days.  Stuck home, hurting and with no energy, at least I had my American Dad re-runs.   It seems to be a show I turn to when I’m sick at home, and it does the trick.  I love the adsurbity of the alien character, Roger — how all he needs is a wig to “disguise” himself and nobody* can tell he’s an alien.   The other day one of my favourite episodes was on:  “Lost in Space”; or “the one that shows what happens to Jeff Fischer once he’s taken to space by Roger’s species.”

This episode was a real risk taker.  It is almost entirely about a secondary character, that of stoner Jeff (husband to Hayley Smith). Aside from an opening recap, only one main character appears in a surprise cameo.  When we last saw Jeff Fischer, Roger tricked him into being sucked up by an alien spaceship.  While I expected him to be written off, he has returned, with his new sidekick Sinbad.

SINBADLet me say that again.  With new sidekick Sinbad.

In “Lost in Space”, Jeff is used as slave labor at the local Shawarma Hut in the alien spaceship’s massive food court.  Emperor Zing (Michael McKean) has created a shopping mall spaceship, which he rules with an iron fist.  The only way off is if a slave can prove he or she was in true love, and must be set free.  Jeff decides to take a chance and prove his love for Hayley was real, at the risk of losing his genitals as the price of failure.

This sets up a musical number involving a rock band called Wax Fang.  I won’t be all cool and pretend I knew who Wax Fang were before seeing this episode.  I dig the vintage operatic bombast of “Majestic”, which appears in the episode all but whole.  The song itself inspired large parts of the episode, and the character of the Majestic as well.  As to the song, it has Queen-like qualities and a simply irresistible lead vocal.   On top of that is a lovely guitar solo, classic rock in quality.  I will definitely be checking out more by Wax Fang.

For both the episode, and the song:

5/5 stars

*Toshi can.

ADLIS

Part 252: That Smell

RECORD STORE TALES Part 252:  That Smell

Working in a retail environment with the public exposes one to a variety of interesting smells.  90% of customers didn’t have a particular smell to them.  They were pretty inoffensive.  However, about 10% of customers did have distinct odors.  Here are the Top Five things that customers in my store smelled like:

4% – Weed

If I had to break it down, I would say the majority of customers that smelled like marijuana were shopping in the rap section.  The red bleary eyes were also a giveaway, but some of these kids just reeked of pot!  Didn’t matter if it was 10am and they were selling their CDs to buy another dime bag, or if it was 7pm and they were looking for fast food money.  They were omnipresent.

3% – Booze

I’m only hoping that the customers who had booze stench on their breath were not driving.  (At the end, I worked on the “wrong side of town,” many of my customers could not drive anyway.)  Never mind the fact that some people would be coming in piss drunk at noon on a Wednesday.

1% – B.O.

The dreaded body odor stink afflicted men and women alike.  The only thing they had in common: customers with B.O. were always oblivious to it themselves, even though my eyes were watering.  Many times these guys were construction workers on break, but not always!

1% – Really strong perfume or cologne

I had a few customers who were used car salesmen.  Apart from impeccably trimmed moustaches, they often wore too much Drakkar Noir.  There were also plenty of women that smelled so strong you couldn’t breathe.

1% – Bad breath

Halitosis isn’t fun.  Some of the people who knocked me out with their breath looked like their teeth weren’t doing so well either, particularly at the stores located on the wrong side of the tracks!

If you enjoyed this, perhaps you’ll enjoy Record Store Tales Part 57:  Top Five Things A Record Store Smells Like.

THAT SMELL

MOVIE REVIEW: Ted (2012 blu-ray)

“Death to Ming!” – Sam Jones

TED FRONTTED (Universal, 2012, directed by Seth MacFarlane)

I don’t often go out to the store to buy a movie on the first day of release anymore, but I did for Ted.  I grabbed it at the local Best Buy and immediately popped it in, since I missed its theatrical run.  I’m a Seth MacFarlane fan, see?  I like Family Guy and recently American Dad too.  If you don’t like those shows, chances are, you probably won’t like Ted either.  May as well stop reading now.

Still with me?  Good.  Because this is a fuckin’ funny movie!  Once you get past the concept of the walking talking driving tweeting teddy bear who loves coke and prostitutes.

Patrick Stewart narrarates our intro, as we meet John Bennett, a little Star Wars loving boy who gets a teddy bear for Christmas.  He doesn’t have many friends, so one night he wishes that Teddy was alive.  Connect the dots from here.

Ted becomes a world famous superstar phenomenon (Johnny Carson show and all), only to crash and burn hard by the 1990’s.  Now today, he sits on John’s couch drinking beer, smoking pot, watching Flash Gordon; the 1980 bomb that starred Sam J. Jones as the titular Flash.  And once again, the lush strains of “Flash”, by Queen, fills the room.  This is all fine and dandy until Mila Kunis (insert hot girlfriend way too good for immature boyfriend here) says enough is enough.  If Marky Mark and Mila are to stay together, Ted’s gotta move out and get his own place.

Their lives pretty much go down hill from there.  Ted gets a job at the local grocer and starts banging a checkout girl on top of the lettuce.  But John just can’t separate himself from his best bud, especially when Sam J. Jones himself turns up to party with the boys.   Can John achieve the balance between friendship and domestic bliss that eludes him?

Throw in an evil, creepy stalker played perfectly by Giovanni Ribisi, and cameos by Norah Jones and Ted Danson as themselves, and you have a movie.

I’m not going to sit here and lie to you by saying that this is substantially different from any other bro-mances you’ve seen out there.  There’s the girl who’s fed up, the jerky male romantic rival, and the two dudes, one of whom wants to get his life together while the other seemingly holds him back.  If you’ve watched Paul Rudd, Jason Segel, or Seth Rogen films, you know where I’m going.

What makes Ted so much better than any of those movies (which I already like anyway) is MacFarlane himself.  Yes, Ted does sound like Peter Griffin (even acknowledged in the film) but that voice just works for this bear!  Ted is easily one of the sickest, yet lovable characters in cinema history.  A horny drug using teddy bear has never been depicted on film before, as far as I know.  Of course, Ted needs Johnny as much as Johnny needs Ted.  They are a movie pair, and they can never be happy apart.

The blu-ray gives you the “unrated” (boobs) and theatrical versions.  There’s a DVD, a digital copy, all that extra crap that I never use.  Deleted scenes, gag reels, commentary, all that good stuff.   Still, there’s no point buying a movie unless you plan on watching it more than once.  I’ve watched Ted five times so far, and I still love it.

I guess I have a thing for f-bomb dropping teddy bears that sound like Peter Griffin.  What does that make me?  Ahh, who cares.

4.5/5 stars