The Adventures of Tee Bone Man – Phase One: The Squirrel Saga
Chapter 16: A Crazy Crazy Night (Part 1)
Somewhere off the coast of Florida
The wind howled furiously as wave after wave battered the hull of The Chikara. The small fishing vessel had been caught in a vicious squall on the way back to the mainland and was now hopelessly lost in the Atlantic Sea, completely at the mercy of the tropical storm that had quickly developed.
Captain Retsuden stood alone at the helm. Whatever crew he had had left after the majority had taken their chances in the lifeboat had been swept overboard long ago. He defiantly remained by the wheel despite it having about as much control over the ship’s direction as the rats panickily scurrying below him.
Then, in the distance, he spied something that sent a shot of optimism through his heart. A light of some kind. There must have been land nearby. But this brief pang of hopefulness was quickly replaced by a feeling of dread as a second light joined the first and the deck of the ship was bathed in a red glow.
Then there was a loud crack as The Chikara struck something. Or, rather, more correctly, something struck The Chikara. The ship lurched dangerously and began to sink beneath the waves. Retsuden, resigned to his fate, remained at the helm to the very end. After all, the captain always goes down with the ship.
Meanwhile, in the KMA Eastern offices, a bald man scrambled to bring the past few years of research he had into a coherent package. He had just had the breakthrough he needed after tracking down the source of some cursed Iron Maiden merchandise at a recent concert. This was the last crucial bit of information he needed to pinpoint the location he was after, but he was afraid it might have arrived too late.
He had to act quickly. There was still time to prevent this unholy ritual and its disastrous consequences, but he couldn’t do it alone. Scooping up the most important information, he ran out of his library of books, through the hall of guitars and to the staircase to the lower ground floor. Halfway up the stairs he paused, a thought striking him.
He then ran back down and into his office to the photocopier. A couple minutes later he was out the door and on his way to the post office. He knew he had the contacts necessary (with the right favours owed) to get these packages where they needed to be as soon as possible.
Soon every package had departed for its destination. The man wasn’t sure if any of them would get there in time, but if they did, he hoped that it would be enough. All he could now was hope.
Elsewhere, in Thunder Bay to be precise, our two superheros were having a most disagreeable night. It was near midnight, but neither of them could sleep, on account of what sounded unpleasantly like a pop concert in the nearby town. Despite living in the secluded forest hideaway of Deke’s Palace, the two were not immune to the laws of physics (well, not all of them at least) and their best soundproofing efforts were not enough to drown out the dance-pop beat that permeated through the castle windows.
To make matters worse, the basement was receiving its annual fumigation and could therefore not be retreated to in this time of need.
At least Tee Bone had managed to find some fun testing out his new guitar. His lightning cracks kept better time than whoever was smashing the skins kilometres away.
But he couldn’t do that all night, and in this moment, had just returned to find Deke furiously assembling what looked like a pair of industrial strength earmuffs.
“They been at it long?” Tee Bone asked.
“Ugh, all night!”, Deke groaned back.
“Maybe I should give them a taste of real music”, Tee Bone said, motioning to his guitar.
“No no no no no no no no, the last thing we need is these people knowing where we live”, Deke quickly shut him down.
“Fair point. What are we going to do then?”, Tee Bone queried.
The answer ended up being something neither of them could have predicted, as an owl, of all things, crashed through the window, large package in tow. Looking at each other incredulously, the two found this development most curious. The owl departed out the way it came with a bit more dignity, leaving Tee Bone to pick up the package and carefully bring it to Deke’s workstation.
Deke scanned it with his bomb detector. Everything appeared safe, but even so he was on guard. Tee Bone unwrapped it, finding several books, documents and a letter addressed to the duo. Tee Bone began to read.
“Dear Tee Bone Man and Superdekes. Apologies for the nature of this communication, but it was of the utmost importance that this message reach you before dawn. This is Mr Books. We met at the Iron Maiden show a few months ago, and I spent Christmas Day with you guys.
For years I have been troubled by the plans of the wicked Lester Blackwell. A disgraced circus owner, he disappeared long ago, taking his troupe of criminals with him and swearing his revenge upon the world.
Rumour had it there was an island in the Caribbean he bought from the Cuban government that he has hidden himself away in, slowly gathering his army of the depraved and insane. Several naval disappearances have also been linked with the area.
I have spent the good part of the last decade trying to discern the location of this haunted carnival, and I have finally narrowed it down to the coordinates on the included map. Ancient writings tell of a well of dark soul energy buried beneath the island. Energy that could be unleashed upon the world with the right ritual.
Word is that it will happen tomorrow and tonight. I have included all the supporting documentation in this package if you would like proof of my words, but I urge you to heed them and head to the coordinates immediately. The whole world is counting on you.
Regards,
A friend and ally.”
The two sat back, soaking in the information they had just received and thinking back to all the people they talked to at the Iron Maiden show. Ah yes. Aaron, “Mr. Books” himself. Of course. But Books tended to stay out of the big-level threat adventures. Was it really from him?
“It could be a trap”, Deke mused.
“True, but if someone has it out for us we’re going to cross them eventually. It’s not like we have anything better to do here anyway”, Tee Bone replied, motioning towards the large earmuffs in front of Deke.
“Don’t remind me”, he muttered.
“And if this letter is genuine, we have a serious duty to the world as heroes to stop this Mr Blackwell.” Tee Bone continued.
“Yeah, you’re right. Let’s do this”
Deke got up and grabbed his backpack, quickly filling it with whatever gadgets he had at hand. Once satisfied he headed down to the basement with Tee Bone and mounted his flying motorbike. With a reassuring nod between them, the two set off into the night, unaware of just exactly what was in store for them.
First on the agenda was, apparently, flak cannons. Well, not really, but to all intents and purposes to the little flying motorbike they were. They were actually fireworks, and they were too close to comfort for Deke and Tee Bone.
They had started shortly after the duo had sighted the island they were after. While it had been mostly shrouded in a sickly fog, a few towers and other constructions protruded above the mist. And it was from these towers that the armaments assailing them originated.
The firepower forced Deke to fly the bike low over the sea, barely clearing the choppy waves below. But it did the trick, and the two heroes shortly landed on the marina part of wicked Lester Blackwell’s fairgrounds.
And by golly had it seen better days. Rubbish littered the ground everywhere, as peeling facias, faded paint and rusted metal abounded as far as the eye could see. The entire place was dying a slow, painful death deteriorating away with each passing day.
But Deke and Tee Bone were not here to be safety inspectors. Though there were no signs of life yet, they knew better than to trust the exterior appearance. They cautiously moved deeper into the carnival, passing through a strip of dilapidated booths on their way to the mainland.
As they walked, nameplates such as The Man of 1000 Faces, Russian Roulette and Mr Speed caught their eyes. A cursory examination of the booths indicated that they had not been used in some time, but Tee Bone couldn’t shake the feeling that something sinister was amiss.
And he didn’t have to wait long for confirmation. As the two reached the mainland and approached the Journey of 1000 Years rollercoaster, the sound of running feet caught Tee Bone’s ear. He swung around to face the source of the sound, but the area behind them was as dead as it had been when they walked through it moments ago.
And then he was flat on his face on the grimy floor, hit down from behind. A thump from his right indicated Deke had befallen a similar fate. Tee Bone jumped to his feet but couldn’t see anyone. However, he had a trick up his sleeve. He struck a power chord and watched the sound waves fly out in front of him.
And there he was. The sound waves had thickened the air such that when the individual that was now visible attempted to run through them, they slowed him down enough for Deke and Tee Bone to see.
The individual was a young man with a bright red mohawk, like a fin, and wearing a skintight aerodynamic suit with a lightning bolt on it. This must have been the Mr Speed the booth earlier was talking about. Marvellous.
Deke and Tee Bone quickly threw themselves against each other back-to-back and tried to fight off their foe a little better. And they did see some success, as the rate at which their jaws received a left hook was drastically reduced.
This did not please the zooming zoomer, who retaliated by speeding up to the rusting signage above our two heroes, detaching a large piece and pushing it towards our heroes on the ground. Thankfully it only smashed itself to pieces when it hit the ground, as Tee Bone had dived left into a nearby hedge and Deke had thrown himself backwards through the doors to the Journey of 1000 Years.
Immediately back on the ground, Mr Speed quickly took advantage of this, laying a punch so heavy into Deke that it knocked him unceremoniously into the rollercoaster car. And no sooner had Deke comprehended this was he thrust back into the seat as the coaster lurched forward and began the ride.
“Deke!” Tee Bone cried out, but he was quickly silenced by a fist to the guts from a certain rapid individual. Bent over in pain, Tee Bone decided that he’d had enough, and he wound up his arm and struck a seismic chord so powerful the sound wave liquefied the ground in front of him as they passed through it. And this had exactly the desired effect as Mr Speed, trapped by the sound waves, sunk waist deep into the mucky ground. And once the sound waves stopped trapping him the newly solid again ground did.
A great deal of swearing followed as Tee Bone walked out of earshot and poked his head into The Journey of 1000 Years. There was no sign of Deke, but Tee Bone knew he had to be somewhere on the island still. He just didn’t have the time to stand around waiting for Deke to get back here. He had to move on and hope he found his friend.
Then his attention was caught by the crack of fireworks in the sky above. The sound of a plane buzzing above him also answered why they were being fired. Thankfully, the plane appeared to make it out unscathed, as the sound of its engine eventually disappeared from Tee Bone’s ears
Meanwhile, back in the coaster, Deke had been receiving a super-condensed history of the earth as the coaster raced through the ride. He had narrowly avoided having his head bitten off by an animatronic T-rex (don’t ask) and he was sure that wasn’t going to be the last attempt on his life.
And he was right. Because immediately approaching was the end of the line. The tracks had been broken at the turn ahead and Deke was about to go over the edge. He fumbled around in his bag as the coaster hurtled towards its final destination, pulling out his grappling hook mere seconds before the track ended.
And, wasting no time, he immediately fired it towards the rafters. It caught on a beam and lifted him high above the track. He watched as the coaster hurled itself off the edge and exploded below in a fireball.
“That was too close”, Deke muttered to himself.
Once the fire below him had burned out, he slowly lowered himself to the ground and began to search for an exit. He soon stumbled across a maintenance access door and availed himself of this pathetic excuse for a history lesson.
He found himself in the midst of a number of rides and attractions, and he didn’t exactly fancy the sound of any of them. Detroit Rock City sounded like the sort of place he’d need Tee Bone to conquer, and he’d had enough of prehistory to go into Back to the Stone Age.
In the end he chose the Tunnel of Love. Surely it couldn’t be that bad.
Elsewhere in the carnival, Tee Bone was also in the midst of searching for any clues as to the location of the ritual site. He had reached the heart of the attractions as Deke had, and was similarly not too enthused at the sound of most of them.
Eventually, he chose to begin his investigations in the Hall of Mirrors. At least there he could see anyone trying to sneak up on him.
Or at least so he thought. No sooner had he stepped foot in the hall, the door swung shut and suddenly he was trapped in the dim, foggy light with no way out.
Deke was also wrong. It could be that bad. He was now sailing down a one-way current in a rotting dinghy towards who knows what horrors. It was already disconcerting enough that the ‘stalactites’ above his head were actually rusting, bloodstained blades.
But they were staying in place for now, so Deke kept his head low and focused on bailing out any water that got into the boat. His vigilance paid off, and he was able to keep himself afloat.
Eventually, a fork in the river appeared. While both paths looked the same, a beat-up sign on the island separating them caught Deke’s attention. ‘Got love for sale’ it said, along with an arrow pointing to the left.
Deke broke a chunk off the boat’s hull and started paddling to the left. At least he might find someone there who he could extract some information out of. And he did, for it was not long until the boat hit land.
Before him was not a sight he had hoped to see. The rusted blades and blood-soaked implements of the tunnel earlier had been nothing compared to this. Through the dim light Deke spied what he was pretty certain was a gruesome backyard surgeon’s ‘operating theatre’. So much for getting information out of anyone. Judging by the bodies around, there wasn’t much left to get out of the people here.
And he was not alone here either. A man in a (mostly) white surgical coat was leaning against a cabinet, aimlessly whitling a broken heart shape into the wood.
The man looked up and noticed Deke. He smiled wide in a toothy grin that was more unnerving that reassuring. He taunted Deke, who was still standing in his boat on the water’s edge.
“They call me Dr Love, because stay with me for one night and I’ll steal your heart”, he said, brandishing his scalpel.
Refusing to be intimidated, Deke reached into his bag for his collapsible baton and advanced on the so-called surgeon who called this place home.
This man was going down right now on principle.
Tee Bone was not having a very pleasant time either. Something had gone very wrong in the Hall of Mirrors. All manner of grotesque creatures and terrifying hellscapes leapt out of him wherever he looked.
He pulled out his guitar and tried to play, but his fingers were shaking too badly. When he finally succeeded in striking a note that shattered the mirrors and their fearsome vista, it was revealed that all he had done was turn them from a window to a door, the hellscapes and demons now appearing with even greater fidelity.
Tee Bone ran, finding himself only deeper in the labyrinth, with intact mirrors and the terrors they captured as far as the eye can see. Rounding a corner, he abruptly came to the most horrifying sight yet.
Tee Bone almost passed out. ‘Reflected’ in front of him was…himself?. Sunken crimson eyes, a dark suit and cape and, worst of all, a thick beard and moustache. It was the face of evil and it was staring right into Tee Bone’s soul.
His anger briefly outweighing his horror, he punched his hand clean through the mirror, as if this show of force asserted that he would never become like that wicked being in the mirror. Looking away briefly, his eyes caught sight of a silhouette in the fog.
“Deke, is that you? Talk to me”, he called out into the fog.
No sooner had the words left his mouth, the figure scurried off into the darkness. The sound of a shard of glass hitting the ground turned his attention back towards the cracked mirror in front of him.
In the fractured mirror he now saw something different, someone he didn’t recognise. A mop of wild green hair sat atop this person’s head and they were dressed mostly in orange save for a bright green cape and gloves. They cackled maniacally as Tee Bone staggered backwards.
The laughter echoed around the room, and Tee Bone became acutely aware that it was now coming from two sources.
Spinning around, he came face to face with a demon unlike any other he’d seen before. Its eyes burned like red coals and it radiated terror. The creature advanced on Tee Bone, the laughter getting louder with each step.
Then everything abruptly stopped, as the figure menacing Tee Bone had been whomped upside the head by something and was now falling forward onto the ground, noticeably less demonic in appearance.
And standing there triumphantly above the fallen villain was El Moustachio, the hero of Australia. In his hand was his moustache-shaped boomerang and on his shoulder there was a furry little black animal eating an acorn.
And this time Tee Bone did pass out.
“What spooked him?” El Moustachio asked the squirrel on his shoulder.
Deke was breathing hard. The doctor’s wiry frame had held a surprising amount of strength, and Deke hadn’t been able to finish the fight as fast as he’d hoped.
And now the good doctor had traded his scalpel for a more potent weapon- a buzzsaw. And he had Deke on the back foot. But the wily Canadian always had a plan. Backtracking past a table, he subtly swiped a scalpel of his own as he went, afforded the opportunity on account of the bad doctor reaching the end of the extension cord.
But Doctor Love merely laughed and taunted him, aiming a gun squarely at Deke’s chest. It had a curious heart-shaped barrel.
“Love’s a deadly weapon, you know.”
And he pulled the trigger. Click. Click, click. Empty.
Deke smirked. A few more steps back and everything was in place. Despite his feelings towards this man, Deke gave him one chance to stand down.
“Drop it and you can still walk away with your life”, he offered.
“Ha! So you’re getting desperate now then, eh?” the doctor incorrectly inferred. “I must admit, that doesn’t really shock me.”
Deke sighed and jumped up onto the surgical table. This puzzled the doctor, which gave Deke the opportunity to hurl the scalpel with pinpoint precision at a generator cord on the ground. It pierced it true, and the damp ground did the rest.
Doctor Love was dead before he hit the ground, his corpse still twitching as it lay there. Eventually one of the few circuit breakers around decided to kick in and the area once again become safe to step on.
Deke jumped down and, taking a moment to catch his breath, he began searching the area for any clues as to where he should go next. It wasn’t long before he found it: A letter from Lester Blackwell himself, just recently opened. Deke began to read it.
Tonight’s the night! You are cordially invited to the Grand Ascendancy at the Psycho Circus. Please arrive after midnight in your finest dress. All will be rewarded for their years of loyalty.
Deke checked his watch. They were running out of time.
But at least now they knew where to go.
He just had to find Tee Bone first.
To be continued… Tomorrow!
THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN: PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA
Chapter Zero: Tee Bone Man – Origins (by LeBrain)
Chapter One: A Friend in Need (by LeBrain)
Chapter Two: Hell Freezes Over (by Harrison Kopp)
Chapter Three: Hell Ain’t A Bad Place to Be (by LeBrain)
Chapter Four: Tee Bone Man and the Rink of…Doom? (by Aaron KMA)
Chapter Five: The Super Duper Vault (by John T. Snow)
Chapter Six: Tee Bone Man Goes to Camp (by LeBrain)
Chapter Seven: The Revenge of Common Knowledge (by LeBrain)
Chapter Eight: Tee Bone & Deke’s Time Travelling Adventure (by 80sMetalMan)
Chapter Nine: Castle Communications (by Harrison Kopp)
Chapter Ten: The Case of the Lost Iron Maiden Socks (by LeBrain)
Chapter Eleven: A Tee Bone Man Christmas (by all five of us)
Chapter Twelve: Lost In Space (by John T. Snow)
Chapter Thirteen: Clip Show (by LeBrain)
Chapter Fourteen: Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Discover the Tao (An Intermission) (By Aaron KMA)
Chapter Fifteen: Status Acoustic – The Really Big Deal (by Harrison Kopp)
Chapter Sixteen: A Crazy Crazy Night (part 1) (by Harrison Kopp)
Chapter Sixteen: A Crazy Crazy Night (part 2) (by Harrison Kopp) Coming tomorrow!
Chapter Sixteen: A Crazy Crazy Night (part 3) (by Harrison Kopp) Coming Thursday!
Chapter Seventeen: Tee Bone Man vs. Edie Van Heelin’ (by LeBrain) Coming this summer – conclusion to Phase One – The Squirrel Saga!
THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN: PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA
Chapter Eighteen: Shinzon – Origins (By LeBrain)
THE WRITER’S ROOM
The Writer’s Room: Chapter One
The Writer’s Room: It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like a Tee Bone Man Christmas
The Writer’s Room: Welcome to the Writer’s Room!
THE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’
The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’: Edie vs. Tommy Lee in the Bouncy Castle of Doom! (By LeBrain)
The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’: Edie and the Quest for the Lost Lego (By LeBrain with Harrison Kopp)
The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’: Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation (By LeBrain)
The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’: Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation Part 2 (By LeBrain & California Girl)
The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’: Edie Meets the Wolf (by LeBrain)
The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’: Edie’s Winter Vacation (By LeBrain & California Girl) (coming in June)
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