northern lights

Adventures of the Northern Lights: Jex Feels It Again

THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS – Phase 3 – The Unicron Saga

Chapter Seven: Jex Feels It Again

Jex Rambo was on high alert.

The last few days were a flash!Β  One moment he was finishing up paperwork for Mr. Durling and the Durling Foundation, and the next he was on a plane with the mysterious Night Ranger on his way to Ontario.Β  There were some very important documents kept at Aaron’s Archive in Owen Sound.Β  Jex and the Ranger were assigned to protect the Archive.Β  Much to his shock and disbelief, their friends Mike and Harrison had recently been attacked by a Transformer.Β  An actual alien robot disguised as a truck.Β  Anything goes now, thought Jex.Β  What was fiction is real, and he could not rest.

And so he patrolled, outside, keeping a close eye on every vehicle, person and animal he spotted.Β  Shirtless, of course, Jex Rambo didn’t even break a sweat in the hot sun.Β  The consummate professional.

He reached to his belt and pulled out his radio.

“Rambo to Ranger, Rambo to Ranger, come in Night Ranger,” he spoke.Β  “Over.”

“Night Ranger here,” replied the mysterious figure.Β  “On the roof.”

Jex looked up and shaded his eyes from the bright mid-day sun.Β  A figure in black could be seen, crouching, watching.

“Got you in my sights,” confirmed Jex.Β  “You got this area covered mon ami.Β  I’m going to widen my patrol.Β  Will report back.Β  Jex out.”

While he missed the ocean, Owen Sound wasn’t so bad.Β  There was water, and the people were friendly.Β  Not to mention, he got to hang out with Aaron again.Β  In theory!Β  Aaron was currently with his family at a hockey game.Β  The Owen Sound Attack.Β  Not as great as the Moncton Wildcats, but not bad, thought Jex.Β  He hoped his friend was having a good time.Β  Meanwhile, it was his job to make sure the Archive was secure.Β  It was a modest house in the outskirts of town, but the Durling Foundation had spared no expense with a top-notch security system.Β  Not to mention, the best security that money could buy:Β  Jex and the Night Ranger themselves!

Jex’s radio crackled again.Β  “Jex Rambo here,” he spoke.

“Hey, it’s me again,” said the voice on the other end:Β  the Night Ranger.Β  “Listen, I hate to bug you, but since you’re out there…”

Jex shrugged.Β  The Ranger had a habit of sending him out on errands while he sat on the roof.Β  “Yeah…” sighed Jex.

“It’s no big deal if you can’t, but I was browsing Discogs and you won’t believe it.Β  There is a local seller here in town with a Japanese picture sleeve promo copy of ‘Don’t Tell Me You Love Me’ and Mr. Durling would really like to have it.Β  Since it’s right here in town, you understand.”

“Yeah…” sighed Jex again.Β  “Give me the address.Β  I’ll go pick it up.”

Jex was seated in the vehicle that the Durling Foundation had sent them for local travel.Β  As was his penchant lately, Durling was using cars designed after original Generation One Autobots.Β  And so, he found himself behind the wheel of a yellow Lamborghini with a huge silver exposed engine in the back.Β  “Sunstreaker” was what Durling had called it.Β  Jex was driving in the least inconspicuous vehicle in all of Ontario right now.Β  At least it was a sweet ride.Β  Stopped at a traffic light, a gaggle of girls swooned at his manly visage in the yellow supercar.Β  He raised his sunglasses, winked and gunned the engine.Β  Yeah, this wasn’t a bad ride at all.

He glanced again at the GPS.Β  “Ray” was the contact, and the location was only a few more lights away.Β  It was a popular bar called The Big Prize.Β  According to a Google search, their karaoke contest every Friday night always drew a crowd.

“Maybe I’ll stay and have some wings,” thought Jex.Β  He couldn’t remember the last time he had a good half-pound of chicken wings.Β  “Night Ranger always sending me out on these errands for Durling.Β  You never see him going out.Β  ‘Oh I can’t show my face.’Β  What an excuse.Β  Just a reason to make Jex do all his work!Β  I’m going to get hot wings.”

There it was just ahead:Β  The Big Prize Karaoke Bar and Grill.Β  Looked alright.Β  It was midday and so there was ample parking.Β  He pulled the yellow beast into a perfect spot right in front of the entrance.Β  Stepping out and shirtless, Jex easily drew the attention of passers-by.

“Sorry ladies, I’m here on business!” he chided as he cooly crossed the sidewalk to the entrance of the bar.Β  One fainted, but was caught by her friend.Β  Jex didn’t notice, however, because he soon found himself thwarted in his mission.Β  By a sign.

“NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO ENTRY” it said in big, bold yellow text.

“Merde!!” stomped Jex.Β  “Foiled by a stupid yellow sign!”

Jex had to park the Lambo way back in the Walmart parking lot.Β  Durling would be furious if he got a scratch or a ding.Β  But, he needed a shirt.Β  Walmart would have a cheap T-shirt he could throw on, surely.

He strolled up to the big entrance, now starting to sweat a bit in the afternoon sun.Β  The doors swooshed open and he strode into a blast of cold air.

“O, Γ§a fait du bien!!” he exclaimed as the Walmart air conditioning bathed his skin.Β  “That feels so good.”

He smiled and walked through the gate, only to be halted by a little old lady in a red vest.

“I’m sorry sir, you can’t come in without a shirt!”Β  She tapped a yellow sign with a marker in her hand. Jex pulled his sunglasses down his nose to take a closer look.Β  “Qu’est-ce que c’est??” The sign read SHIRTS AND SHOES MUST BE WORN IN THIS ESTANBLISHMENT.

“Merde again!!” swore Jex.Β  He swiftly felt bad for it.Β  “Oh, sorry lady, pardon my French.Β  It’s just that I need a shirt!”

“Oui, you do!!” she returned to him in a sarcastic tone.Β  “Don’t make me tap the sign again.”

“TouchΓ© ,” said Jex.Β  Just then, a kid entered and walked up to Jex.Β  He poked him in the arm.

“Hey mister!” he said with excitement.Β  “Is that your car out there?”

“It sure is!” smiled Jex.Β  “Hey wait.Β  Kid – you wanna make a little extra money today?”Β  He handed the kid two twenties.Β  “Go in and buy me a T-shirt, large size.Β  Bring it back to me and you can keep the change.”

“Sure thing mister!!”

The kid ran into the store.Β  Jex smiled at the lady, and waited.

And waited.Β  He tapped his toes to the muzak.Β  Waited some more.

10 minutes.Β  Now 20.

“I don’t think he’s coming back,” said the lady.

“SacrΓ© bleu!” stomped Jex again.Β  “Hey…lady…would you mind?Β  I really need a shirt, as you know, and you can keep the change.Β  Please…help a guy out?”Β  He pleaded.

The lady, smirked.Β  She pretended to think about it a moment, and then said “Gimme $50 and I’ll go get you a T-shirt.”

Jex winced, but pulled two more twenties and a ten from his wallet.Β  “Merci madame, merci.”Β  And you’re welcome, he thought to himself.

The lady took his money and grinned.Β  Five minutes later she was back with a Walmart shopping there.

“Thank you for shopping at Walmart, your receipt is in the bag, have a nice day sir,” she said, handing him the plastic bag.

“Merci,” Jex repeated, and ran back to the Lambo.Β  He opened the bag and pulled out a shirt.Β  A white T-shirt with Barney the dinosaur on it.Β  The receipt fell out of the bag, onto the ground.Β  Jex bent over and picked it up.

“SacrΓ© bleu again!!”Β  He read it aloud:Β  “SALE – FIVE DOLLARS!?”Β  It didn’t take a calculator to do the math.Β  He was down $85 because of a $5 T-shirt!Β  He drove the Lambo up to the entrance, squealed the tires, and flipped the old lady the bird.Β  Her mouth fell agape in shock, but Jex didn’t feel badly this time.

“I’ve had about enough of this day,” said Jex to himself.Β  The cool air blasted his face inside the Lambo.Β  “Well, at least all I have to do now is pick up the record.”

Once more, he parked the yellow Lambo in front of The Big Prize Karaoke Bar and Grill.Β  He stepped out and grimaced as he slipped on his brand new Barney the Dinosaur T-shirt.Β  It fit, but…wow.Β  This time, a flock of girls laughed as he entered the bar.

“Haha, yeah, it’s a funny shirt,” he waved.Β  “I’m wearing it ironically of course.”Β  They giggled some more.

A server greeted him at the front desk, but tried not to stare at his shirt.Β  “Hello and welcome to the Big Prize!Β  Can I get you a table?Β  Karaoke room is popular today.”

“Actually, I’m a bit late…long story…but I was supposed to meet a guy named Ray here.Β  Is he still here?” asked Jex.

“Oh!Β  Ray the owner?Β  Yes he’s right over there, in the karaoke room.”Β  She pointed to a man in the adjoining room.Β  He was slender, with sunglasses, and a shaved head.

“Oh he’s the owner!Β  Merci!” said Jex, “Can I order some hot wings too?” he asked.

“I’ll put the order in now!” she replied.Β  Ray noticed them from his seat, and made a signal to someone.Β  Then he motioned for Jex to come to his table.

Jex removed his sunglasses and smiled with hand extended, as he approached Ray the owner.Β  Ray stood, and removed his glasses.Β  He did not look happy.Β  Jex could see that.

“I’m really sorry that I’m late, long story,” said Jex in way of apology.Β  But Ray wasn’t hearing any of it.Β  He looked Jex straight in the eye.

“I don’t know Tim Durling…but you?Β  I never forget a face…mister…Rouselle?”

Jex gasped.

“Ray Coburn…” he whispered.

It all came back in a flash.Β  It was years ago, but it did happen.Β  A viral video.Β  Jex mocking the song “Feel It Again” by Honeymoon Suite… especially making fun the of keyboards.Β  A song Ray Coburn wrote.Β  Ray Coburn, the keyboard player for Honeymoon Suite.Β  Coburn called him out online.Β  Β Jex issued a second video in way of apology, but it failed to take.Β  “It wasn’t your keyboards, man!Β  It’s the fact that there were keyboards in the first place!” pleaded Jex in the video, not ingratiating himself to Ray in any way.

Ray smiled at him coldly.Β  “Please…have a seat.”Β  He motioned to the chair across from him.Β  “I am well chuffed to finally meet you in person.Β  What a surprise!”Β  He grinned wide and clapped his hands together.Β  Β Jex sat awkwardly, as a lone bead of sweat worked its way down the left side of his face.

“Comfortable?” asked Coburn.

Jex squirmed in his chair a bit, trying to get settled.Β  “Yes…thank you.Β  Ummm, Mr. Coburn, I am truly sorry….”

Ray interrupted.Β  “And I thought my day couldn’t get any better!Β  I just booked a fall tour playing keyboards for Larry Gowan.Β  And now the famed music critic Jex Russell walks through my door!Β  What are the odds?”

Jen cleared his throat.Β  “Yeah, about that, I truly do apologize…”

Coburn shushed him.Β  “Oh, I know you do, especially now that you need something from me.Β  Durling already sent the funds.Β  The Night Ranger 7″ promo.Β  My friend Harry Hess…you know, from Harem Scarem?Β  Another band you criticized.Β  Harry brought this back from one of his Japanese tours.Β  He gave me a whole box of records in fact.Β  When Mr. Durling offered to buy it, he didn’t mention that he was sending you of all people to pick it up!Β  A bonus, so to speak.Β  Icing on the cake.Β  A treat for me, to finally meet the great music critic in person!Β  The honour is mine.”

Every word dripped with sarcasm.Β  Jex was extremely uncomfortable.Β  The server brought him his hot wings, but sensing the tension at the table, said nothing besides “enjoy”.Β  She made a swift exit, and left Ray and Jex alone.

“Have a chicken wing,” instructed Coburn.Β  “When I heard your order, I asked the chef to make them extra special just for you.”

“Oh…yay…” said Jex as he looked at the plate beneath him.Β  The wings steamed on the plate, and the capsaicin in the sauce fumes burned the sensitive skin inside his nose, as he inhaled.Β  He coughed.Β  Ray smiled.Β  Jex looked him in the eye as he steeled his face.Β  He grasped a drumstick with both hands and raised it to his mouth.Β  He bit and pulled half the meat off in one bite.Β  Before the heat could hit his tongue, he took a second bite, finishing the rest of the meat and skin.Β  He dropped the naked bone onto his plate, and returned his gaze to Ray.Β  He coughed.Β  He coughed some more.Β  He was choking and there was no water on the table!Β  Ray smiled.Β  Jex’s fingers were covered in sauce.Β  Wiping them on Barney the Dinosaur’s stomach, he made a drinking motion, asking for water.Β  Ray signaled the waitress, who brought a glass filled with water and ice.Β  Jex grabbed it with desperation and gulped every last drop of cold liquid.Β  The relief was temporary as the burning returned.Β  Jex was sweating from his scalp, and tears were forming in his eyes.

“SacrΓ©…bleu!” he croaked.

“Spicy, right?” chided Ray.Β  “That’s Pepper X extract, my personal stash.Β  2,693,000 Scoville heat units.Β  I’ll let you Google how hot that is when you gain control of your face again!” he chuckled.

That face was red and leaking fluid from every orifice except his ears.Β  Jex thought he knew what pain was.Β  He sucked back an ice cube from his water glass.

“Listen, Mr. Coburn, truly you’ve made your point and I’m sorry!” he coughed.Β  “What does it take for me to prove that?”

Ray smiled.Β  He had been waiting for Jex to ask that very question.

“You’re going to get up there on the karaoke stage, and sing ‘Feel It Again’.”

“Merde,” said Jex.Β  He still had sauce on some of his fingers, but most of it was on his shirt.Β  “Yeah, OK.”

“Great!” said Ray.Β  “Send everyone in!”

“What??” exclaimed Jex.Β  Soon, the whole kitchen staff, all the servers, and a large number of guests had gathered in the room.Β  Ray got up on the karaoke stage.

“Ladies, gentlemen, and patrons of all ages!Β  We have a treat for you this afternoon at The Big Prize karaoke room!Β  We have an online celebrity with us.Β  The great music critic, Jex Rambo!Β  He is a big Honeymoon Suite fan, and he is going to sing ‘Feel It Again’, which I wrote.Β  Jex…come on down.”

Jex smiled sheepishly and waved at the crowd as they clapped modestly.Β  He had to blink through the tears still forcing their way out of his eyes.Β  The hot chicken wing sauce continued to burn his throat, but he had already drank all the water.Β  He stepped up, glanced at the lyric monitor, and gripped the microphone.Β  He focused.Β  No little pepper sauce was going to stop him from completing his mission.Β  This stupid errand, that the Night Ranger didn’t want to do himself!Β  Well, he didn’t need the Night Ranger to save him.Β  He held the microphone to his mouth and glared at Ray.

“Let’s do this,” he said with steel in his eyes.

The song started.Β  Derry Grehan’s opening guitar licks were backed by Ray’s…wonderfully dominant keyboards.

“If you would just be sensible, you’d find me indispensable,”Β coughed Jex.

“I pray deep down in destiny, that places you with me, Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!”Β Β OK, that line went better.Β  Jex got more comfortable as he sang each line.Β Β Too many keyboards!Β  But he powered his way into the chorus.

“Waiting so long…to feel it again!Β  I thought that this heart would never mend!Β  TO FEEL IT AGAIN!Β  I KNOW, IT IS THE LIVING END!” Jex threw in some dance moves as he began to own the stage.Β  He sensed the crowd’s reaction.Β  Then, during Derry’s brilliant guitar solo, Jex went full on!Β  Moonwalking across the stage, Jex had the audience going nuts!Β  Someone tossed a bra up on stage, and Jex knew he’d finally got the job in hand.Β  His confidence restored, he tore off the Barney shirt and threw it back.Β  A lady fainted.Β  He flexed and finished the song.
“To feel it again…feel it again!Β  I thought that this heart would never mend.Β  To feel it again, I know it is the livin’ end!”Β  And with a flourish, he was done.Β  The room erupted into applause.

“Thank you!” bowed Jex.Β  “Thank you downtown Owen Sound, the pleasure was all yours!” he shouted as he leaped off the stage.

He made his way back to the table.Β  Ray handed him some napkins for his saucy hands, and the vinyl record.Β  After Jex had sufficiently cleaned the sauce off his fingers, Ray extended a hand.Β  Jex grasped it and shook.

“Well done Mr. Rambo.Β  The wings are on the house.Β  You’re welcome back here any time.Β  Tell Durling to enjoy the record,” said Ray.

“I will Mr. Coburn, and thank you.Β  You can finish the wings!Β  By the way, you were great when I saw you with Kim Mitchell,” replied Jex.

Coburn nodded in appreciation, and Jex headed back to the exit.Β  And then he realized, he had in fact been inside without a shirt.Β  Small triumph, but still a triumph.

Another girl fainted as Jex stepped into the yellow Lambo.Β  He winked as he burned rubber down the Owen Sound road.

“Not a bad day after all,” said Jex to himself.Β  “Mission accomplished, back to base and a big, cold glass of milk!”

The Lambo was soon out of sight, and quiet returned to the town.Β  Adventure would wait for another day.Β  The Night Ranger would have to be on duty tonight.Β  Jex had other plans.Β  “Racing after midnight,” he smiled.Β  Gripping the wheel, he revved the Lamborghini off into the sunset, into the Ontario countryside.

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:Β  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGAΒ 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:Β  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS:Β  PHASE THREE – THE UNICRON SAGA

 

 

SPINOFFS AND SIDE QUESTS

Β 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

 

MIX TAPE! Iron Maiden, KISS, Def Leppard and MORE! (You won’t believe your eyes!) on Grab A Stack of Rock

GRAB A STACK OF ROCK With Mike and the Mad Metal Man
Episode 96:Β  Mix Tape I

 

Recorded while I had Covid!Β  This special “Mix Tape” episode of Grab A Stack of Rock is a potpourri of metal:Β  there is something for everyone!Β  In particular, if you have been following us for Iron Maiden and KISS content, this episode is for you!

Topics:

  • Iron Maiden ReAction figures including the rare Maiden Japan #50yearsofironmaiden
  • A unique guitar carving from Kerras Jeffrey (RIP) from Prince Edward Island
  • Darth Vader cameo
  • KISS BstAxn 5″ action figures in box
  • KISS 24k Gold CD for Destroyer bought in 1998 at Carry On Books in Waterloo
  • Tee Bone Erickson’s poetic take on the Northern Lights
  • The best of “Ask Harrison” by Tee Bone
  • Soundtrack from the Video Historia (Def Leppard) with Tim’s Vinyl Confessions – an incredible LIVE coincidence from the LeBrain Train days

The Author Reads:

  • A chapter of Unspooled: An Adventure in 8-Tracks
  • The Rules: The First 10 Years of Iron Maiden
  • Record Store Tales Part 7: A Sh*tty Story

Video premieres at 7:00 PM Eastern.

Friday March 21 at 7:00 P.M. E.S.T. / 8:00 P.M. Atlantic. Β  Enjoy on YouTube.

 

The Northern Lights and the Glitch in the Matrix

 

THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS – Phase 3 – The Unicron Saga

Chapter Four:Β  The Glitch in the Matrix

Starring:

  • Mike the Brainiac
  • Harrison El Moustachio
  • AaronΒ 
  • Jex Rambo
  • and a returning villain!

Walking through downtown Toronto, the four Northern Lights were incognito!Β  Aaron was wearing a long blonde wig.Β  The Brainiac had a fake moustache upon his face.Β  Moustachio, already having his own moustache, dyed his flesh tone so it could not be seen.Β  Jex wore a shirt as his disguise.Β  He was clearly uncomfortable, having cloth on his chest for a change.

“Mes amis, why am I wearing a shirt again?” he asked his companions.

“It’s like the Tommy Lee disguise: wearing a pair of pants!” answered the Brainiac.

“Non, non!” replied Jex.Β  “I understand.Β  But why are we wearing disguises?”

“I can answer that,” responded Moustachio.Β  “Mr. Durling has sent us to Toronto on a mission of utmost importance, and he doesn’t want us recognized.Β  He fears that if someone sees us here, they will attempt to find out what we’re looking for.”

Jex nodded in understanding.Β  “Makes sense,” he responded.Β  “After all, finding Rush Chronicles on vinyl has been a mission of his for many years.”

Aaron, the group’s navigator, was checking out road signs.Β  “I’m just finding my way here…Snow Dog records is about four blocks due west.”Β  He pointed straight ahead.Β  “The proprietor Bytor is an old friend of mine.Β  He’ll know where to find a copy in this city.”Β  Aaron swished his blonde locks out of his face.Β  “I can’t say I care for this wig though.Β  I’m not in the mood for this hair in my face.”

“Don’t complain!” commented Jex.Β  “I have to wear a shirt!Β  C’est nul!Β  Why can’t I just wear a hat or some sunglasses?”

“Because nobody would ever expect you to be wearing a shirt,” answered the Brainiac logically.Β  “We can wear the rose of romance, an air of joie de vivre, but we would be recognized too easily and tip off our enemies.”

“I think I’m going bald,” said Harrison as he rubbed his scalp, “but that’s neither here nor ‘hair’.”

“Hah-hah,” answered Aaron.Β  “Anyway we’ll be there in just a few more minutes.”

It was dark inside the Snow Dog record store, like a tomb of Hades lit by flickering torchlight.

“Hello?” asked Aaron as he rang the bell at the front counter.Β  Then, out of the lamplight emerged the owner, Bytor.Β  He was a large man with long brown beard and hair tied back in a ponytail.

“MR. BOOKS!” he proclaimed, embracing Aaron with a large bearhug.Β  “What’s with the Nelson wig, man?”

“That’s a long story.Β  It would take me at least 2112 pages to explain to you everything that’s happened since we last met.”Β  He paused and gestured to the other Northern Lights gathered in his store.Β  “These are my friends, Mike, Harrison and Jex.”

“Nice to meet you guys,” answered Bytor.Β  “What can I help you with today?”

Harrison, the man known as El Moustachio with an invisible moustache, stepped forward.Β  “We’re on a mission to retrieve a rare vinyl copy of Chronicles by Rush.Β  We’ve checked the subdivisions with no luck, so now we’re here in the big city.”Β  He stopped a moment to think.Β  “This is actually my first trip to Toronto,” he said.Β  “I’ve only ever seen Thunder Bay, Kitchener and Kincardine.”

Bytor laughed a big belly laugh.Β  “Thunder Bay, Kitchener and Kincardine?Β  Well you’ll find we have far more vinyl here in Toronto, entre-nous!”

“But do you have the record?” asked Jex.

“Rush Chronicles on vinyl?Β  I do not, but I have plenty of crates for you boys to dig through.Β  I’m sure you’ll find something.Β  I have Chronicles on cassette if you want that?”

“We’re on a mission from a very particular man,” answered Harrison.Β  “He only needs the vinyl and he is willing to pay top dollar.”

Bytor shook his head.Β  “Sadly I can’t help you.Β  Write down your information and I’ll be sure to call you if I see one, Mr. Top Dollar!”

Dejected, the quartet left their information and departed Snow Dog records.

“Well that was a waste of time,” said the Brainiac, usually the pessimistic one.Β  “Aren’t we even going to stay and go crate digging?”

“On Durling’s dime?Β  Are you crazy?Β  He’ll send the Night Ranger after us!” answered Moustachio.

Jex laughed at this.Β  “Non, non, mes amis, Tim Durling wouldn’t hurt a fly.Β  Let’s go back, let’s dig some crates!Β  What are we in a rush for?”Β  He paused and laughed at his own pun.

The quartet turned back and were shocked at what they saw.Β  Snow Dog records was no longer there!Β  A boarded up window with flyers stapled all over it was all they saw.Β  Brainiac stepped forward tentatively, and felt the plywood of the boards, not trusting his own eyes.

“Guys…what just happened?” he asked his three friends.

The four stared at the boards.Β  Moustachio scratched his head.Β  Aaron stood dumbfounded, brushing the hair out of his eyes, unbelieving.Β  Jex looked just as puzzled, while the Brainiac had fear in his eyes.

Aaron turned to look at his friends.Β  “That wasn’t just some fly by night record shop,” he told them.Β  “Snow Dog records opened in 1975!Β  They’ve been in this very spot for 50 years!Β  What is happening here?”

“A glitch in the matrix?” asked the Brainiac, only half joking.

“Or worse,” gulped Harrison, stroking his invisible moustache for comfort.Β  “I advise caution.”

“I agree mon ami,” nodded Jex.Β  “I suggest we retrace our steps.Β  Let me check the map on my phone to confirm our location.”

Jex took his phone from his shirt pocket while muttering something about how stupid it was that he had to wear a shirt.Β  He scrolled and blinked and scrolled some more.

“Guys…” he asked with a quaver in his voice.Β  “Do any of you have a signal?”Β  The other three took out their phones and held them up to the sky at various angles.Β  Brainiac shook his in his hand, while Aaron groaned.Β  No signals.

“It’s a trap,” whispered Harrison.Β  “We’re in a simulation.”

“What!?” asked the other three simultaneously (Jex in French).Β  “When did that happen?” asked the Frenchman.Β  “We all met at the Kincardine airport.Β  We drove straight here with one stop at Tim Horton’s.Β  Aaron got us parked, we walked, and about 20 minutes later we were at Snow Dog!Β  What was real and what was simulation?Β  This is freaking me out guys, I don’t mind telling you.”

Mike stepped over and rubbed his friend’s muscular shoulders.Β  Wow, he thought to himself.Β  This guy is built!Β  Aloud, he said something more comforting.Β  “It’s OK Jex.Β  We’re all here together, wherever we are.Β  Harrison and I have dealt with weirder stuff before.Β  Stick close.Β  We’re all going to get home.Β  Now, I suggest we all stay put.Β  Don’t move.Β  Just observe.Β  Look for anything out of the ordinary.”

Instinctively the group formed a circle, facing outward.Β  Jex was watching the traffic.Β  Mike had his eyes in the sky, looking towards the upper levels of buildings and beyond.Β  Aaron and Harrison carefully examined each and every person walking on the streets of simulated Toronto.

Harrison ahem’ed.Β  “I don’t mean to cause any alarm…but there are two of that man in the red hat.”Β  He pointed towards a tall man in a red toque.Β  “No, three…wait…”

The group began to realize there were duplicate copies of every person and every car.Β  Entire clusters of people and groups of cars would pass by them multiple times.Β  It was like a old fashioned cartoon where they just recycled all the same footage to save time and money.

Suddenly, Mike snapped his fingers.Β  “Solved it!”

“Huh?Β  How?” asked Moustachio.

“Repeated groups…over and over again…like an old style cartoon, when they had to repeat backgrounds and background characters over and over again to save time and money!Β  That’s the answer!Β  Who do we know that is stingy enough to go so cheap on a simulation like this?”

The group mumbled among themselves, but could not come to a conclusion.

“Cut to the chase Mike,” ushered Jex.Β  “Who’s behind this?”

Mike smiled.Β  “Did any of you guys watch Pam and Tommy on Disney+?”Β  The group shook their heads no.

“I have two kids Mike, I don’t know what TV is anymore!” chided Jex.

“Well, in that show, Tommy Lee stiffed the carpenter that was renovating his house, Seth Rogen.Β  Wouldn’t pay him.Β  That’s what triggered everything that happened.Β  Seth Rogen stole that VHS tape and sold it to recoup his costs and have some revenge on Tommy Lee.Β  Think about it!Β  Most of our enemies are super-rich!Β  Tommy Lee’s the only one who’s got a thing for going cheap on anything that isn’t his.Β  He wouldn’t pay for a full-on simulation!Β  He’d go cheap and half-ass it!Β  That’s who’s behind this!”

“I’ve never had the displeasure of encountering Mr. Lee in my adventures,” informed Harrison, “But I’ve read all the files.Β  Your predecessor, Brainiac I, had multiple encounters with Tommy Lee.Β  It is possible Lee has a vendetta.”

“A ven-whatta?” came a voice from above.Β  “My duuuuuuuuuudes!Β  You figured it out!!”

“Show yourself, Lee!” shouted Harrison to the simulated sky.

“Hahah, OK!Β  Sure thing, bro!”Β  Suddenly, before the group appeared four duplicates of Tommy Lee!Β  Simulated Tommy’s, all with the same grin on their faces.

“Grace under pressure, guys!” advised the Brainiac.

“How come he doesn’t have to wear a shirt, but I do??” asked Jex incredulously.

“I think we can take off our disguises,” answered the Brainiac.Β  “Show ‘im why you’re called Jex Rambo!”

With that, Jex ripped his shirt off and roared.Β  Aaron tore the wig from his head and put on his war face.Β  The Brainiac removed his fake moustache, and handed it to Harrison to compensate for his dyed one.

“Northern Lights…kick ass!” commanded the Brainiac.

The four Tommy’s rushed towards them while the Northern Lights took a defensive stance.Β  Aaron kicked one Tommy in the nuts.Β  Jex lifted one Tommy into the air, and threw him directly at another Tommy.Β  The last Tommy seemed to malfunction and ran right past the group, heading into a simulated tattoo parlour, presumably to get a simulated tattoo.

“Is that all you have, Lee?” taunted the Brainiac.Β  “Turn off this simulation and show yourself for real this time.Β  We’re unarmed.”Β  He raised his hands to prove a point.

Like moving pictures, the simulation…shifted.Β  Windows slid down into the ground, doors dissolved, and the sky changed to metal.Β  Time seemed to stand still.Β  Β Like an afterimage, the Toronto before them disappeared as if they were making memories.Β  Now, before them, were the shining silver walls of an alien flying saucer.

“Yeah dudes!Β  It’s me Tommy Lee from Motley Crue!Β  Welcome to the Bouncy Castle amigos!Β  That’s what I call this place, I like to hang here with my alien bros!”

“How long have we been aboard, Lee?” asked Harrison with caution.

“Dudes, you’ve been on this ship ever since you met up at the airport.Β  That wasn’t a car you got into, that was this ship!Β  See, we got some upgrades boys.Β  There’s a new boss in town and he’s not the same as the old boss: Uni-ball.”

“Unicron,” corrected Harrison.Β  “And yes I’ve met your boss.”

Merde! thought Jex to himself.Β  Tommy Lee works for Unicron now!

“And now, prepare for my boot in your ass!” exclaimed Lee as he launched himself towards the four.Β  Effortlessly, Jex took him down with a karate chop to the neck.

“OW!” screamed Lee in pain.Β  “Bro!!Β  That’s not cool man!”

“Well what did you expect, Tommy!?” asked Jex incredulously.Β  “Seriously!Β  And what the hell do you want anyway!”

Tommy Lee rubbed his tattooed neck with his tattooed hand, as he winced in pain.Β  “You didn’t have to do that, man!Β Β I was just trying to get to know you guys a little better!Β  My boss, Uni-ball, told me to spy on you, so I figured I’d show you a good time.Β  A simulated record store seemed like something you’d enjoy, until it glitched up.”Β  Tommy seemed…apologetic.Β  “I wasn’t gonna hurt you guys.Β  Nobody got hurt, right?”

“You did,” laughed Harrison.

“Oh yeah!Β  I did!” laughed Tommy.

Aaron started to think.Β  He paused several moments, and then asked his question.Β  “Tommy…if you don’t wanna hurt anyone…why do you keep working for the bad guys?”

Tommy laughed.Β  “Dude, I wrote a song called ‘Bad Boy Boogie’!Β  I’m the bad boy of rock and roll!Β  Who else would I side with?”

“He’s got a point,” said the Brainiac.Β  “So Tommy, I guess this means you’re not interested in joining us, the good guys?Β  You realize that…Uni-ball..is going to eat the Earth, right?Β  He’s literally going to kill everyone you know.Β  That’s what he does.”

Tommy laughed again.Β  “Hahah, yeah dude!Β  I saw that movie too!Β  And I…don’t give a fuck!Β  Not about Earth!Β  Unicron is going to take me, my family, and my friends somewhere awesome after this.Β  I get to be king of my own planet dude!Β  Oh, don’t give me that look.Β  Fucking self-righteous superheroes!Β  You’d say yes too.Β  Especially since there’s nothing anyone can do to stop him.Β  You should be joining me, dudes.Β  You could hang out with me and all my buds in paradise for the rest of your lives, or longer!Β  Unicron says he can keep us alive forever.”

“As what?Β  A cyborg slave to him?Β  No thanks!” answered Moustachio.Β  “I speak for all of us when I say, no way.”

“No way!” echoed the other three.

“Well, fuck you!” said Tommy, as he spat on the ground.

“That does it,” said Jex in as calm a voice as he could muster.Β  He took three steps towards Tommy Lee, put him in a headlock, and a simultaneous standing leglock.Β  Tommy winced in pain.

“Ow, dude, stop, fuck!” moaned the Motley Crue drummer.

“This is what’s going to happen, Tommy.Β  You’re going to set us down somewhere safe, and you’re going to open those doors and lower that ramp.Β  Then, after we get off, you leave this planet.Β  Or, I break your neck.Β  Your choice Tommy.”Β  Jex was not kidding.

“But I got a gig at the Roxy next week!!” complained Tommy in pain.

“I do know one thing,” said Jex.Β  “One choice or another, you’re not making that gig next week.”Β  He tightened his grip.

“Fine fine let go!Β  I’ll…I’ll leave Earth,” submitted Tommy Lee, as Jex released his grip.Β  Lee took a remote control from his pocket and hit a button.Β  The doors to the craft opened, and a ramp lowered.Β  Outside, the four could see airplanes parked on a runway.

“We never left the airport!” gasped Aaron.

“Nah dude, why not park my spaceship at an airport, right?” said Tommy.

Mike shrugged.Β  “Makes sense.Β  Well, we’re not going to make it back to Toronto in time to go shopping anymore.Β  You guys may as well crash at the cottage tonight and we’ll make a go of it tomorrow.”Β  He then turned to Tommy Lee.Β  “You may have aliens, but we have a Jex.Β  You mess with us again, and he’ll make sure it’s the last time.Β  We clear?”

“Yeah dude,” mumbled Tommy.Β  He then raised the ramp.Β  “I just wanted to be friends, you dicks!” he yelled as the doors closed.

“Good riddance,” said Aaron.Β  “I never thought I’d say this in my life, but I never want to see Tommy Lee again.”

“Me neither,” said Harrison.Β  “But do you think that’s the last we’ll see of him?”

Jex grimaced.Β  “Not a chance.Β  He lied.Β  He’ll be back.Β  And when he does…”

“When he does,” cautioned Mike, “the Northern Lights will be there.”

The end.

 

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:Β  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGAΒ 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:Β  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS:Β  PHASE THREE – THE UNICRON SAGA

 

SPINOFFS AND SIDE QUESTS

Β 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

#1125: Purple Rain, Purple Sky – Five New Things at the Lake

RECORD STORE TALES #1125: Purple Rain, Purple Sky

“I want to do something new this weekend,” goes the eternal complaint. Even with Lake Huron in front of us, and a lush green paradise all around, sometimes I still moan about doing the same things every weekend.

There is so much you can do, but only a couple days to do it all.Β  It’s easy to fall into comfortable habits and just…relax.Β  However, the cottage is too special to just relax.Β  Surely, I’ve had some of the best sleeps of my life there, but you don’t want to sleep your day away, as easy as it can be.

As always, we started the trip on the front porch.Β  We always like to listen to music on our night of arrival, as the sun sets.Β  This time, we chose Prince’s Purple Rain, which I didn’t own last year.Β  This music was new to the cottage, and it was an absolutely incredible experience.Β  I danced around the porch to “Computer Blue”, but the sun was setting just as Prince began singing about the “Purple Rain”.Β  It was a surreal experience hearing Prince sing “Ooo, ooo, ooo,” as the orange and pink clouds slowly let the sun sink beneath the horizon.Β  It felt like Prince was there in the forest somewhere, just out of sight.

New thing #1 achieved:Β  “Purple Rain” at sunset.

We always like to experiment with food.Β  Believe it or not, we have not made homemade burgers at the lake in decades.Β  Why?Β  My dad used to hate cooking them, as they’d fall to pieces on the grill.Β  Not anymore.Β  Thanks to a tip from my good buddy Thuss, we now are making our own homemade burgers.Β  The secret:Β  Freeze them.Β  Once frozen, those patties stay together and do no break apart.Β  For our first batch, this was our successful blend:

  • Lean beef (Jen wanted extra lean but I said no)
  • Ground thick cut bacon
  • 1 egg
  • Bread Crumbs
  • Parmesan flakes
  • Salt
  • Pepper
  • Paprika
  • Chili flakes
  • Minced fresh garlic
  • Minced fresh onion
  • Ketchup
  • Mustard
  • Olive oil

I don’t know how much of that we could actually taste, but it was fun and the result was juicy and perfect.Β  And then next batch is already in the freezer waiting to be cooked up, with a new set of ingredients including local beef.

New thing #2 achieved:Β  Perfect homemade burgers on the grill.

But wait, there’s more!Β  Thanks to a new, deep cast iron frying pan, we also fried our own french fries.Β  No more oven baked fries, or air fries!Β  Only the real deal.Β  They were crispy on the outside, fluffy on the inside, and perfect all around.

New thing #3 achieved:Β  Golden brown french fries.

To quote ZZ Top:Β  I AM your burger man.

“My charcoal’s getting red hot,
Put your order in my hand,
Won’t you let me show you what I got,
Sizzling in the pan.”

I woke up on the Saturday morning as I often do, bright and early.Β  It was damp and cold with not a single human to be seen, myself excluded.Β  It’s a good time to spot wildlife.Β  There have been bears in the area, but I did not see one.Β  Instead, I saw a red canid coming up the path from the beach.Β  A fox?Β  I had not seen our local fox up there in at least a year.Β  This animal had the gait of a fox, but not the bushy red and white tail.Β  This animal had a thin, bony tail, and its frame was larger than a fox.

It was a coyote.Β  My first coyote sighting, ever.Β  I’ve heard them at night, but never seen one in the fur before.

New thing #4 achieved:Β  Coyote sighting!

I knew there was no way I’d be able to grab my phone in time.Β  I simply watched the confident, unafraid animal stroll down our little dirt road as if he was the only one in the world.

Of course, all of this would pale in comparison to the Aurora Borealis.Β  I’d never seen the Northern Lights before.Β  I did my best to describe the experience, but words and pictures do not capture the awe.Β  It felts as if we were all under a huge electric dome.Β  It is something I’ll never forget even if I never see it again.Β  It began suddenly and dimly, before the lights were all you could see anywhere, in every direction.Β  The lights reflected off the waters, and created beautiful patterns in the ripples.

New thing #5 achieved:Β  Aurora Borealis

New experiences are not always possible at the lake, nor are they always necessary.Β  Sometimes it’s enough to just sit on the porch and watch the days go by.Β  After 52 years of coming to the exact same location, to have so many new sights, sounds and flavours in one weekend was unexpected.

The cottage is like a box of chocolates – you never know what you’re going to get!

 

#1124: Aurora Borealis

RECORD STORE TALES #1124: Aurora Borealis

52 years of coming to the cottage, since my very birth, and there are still new things to see.

I used to think I was too far south to ever see the Northern Lights (Aurora Borealis).Β  Certainly it has never happened before.Β  However, we are heading into a Solar Maximum, which means a high point in the sun’s 11 year cycle of activity.Β  The sun’s magnetic field is a twisty turny-thing, and every 11 years, it gets twisted up into an increasingly excited state, and the sun ejects massive eruptions of particles into the surrounding space.Β  When our Earth eventually collides with the charged particles, they create brilliant shows of light in the sky.Β  There are both northern and southern borealis, and in northern Canada, people can see the lights easily.Β  Where I live in the southern tip, we never see the lights!

May 10, around 10:15 PM, the lights came to visit the shores of Lake Huron.

Jen and I headed down to the beach, as the Boston Bruins were getting mauled by the Florida Panthers.Β  I kept my eyes north, assuming that was where I would see the lights.Β  Disappointed, I shouted back at Jen, “There’s nothing yet.”

I noticed something as I looked back at her.Β  The sky was “hazy”,

“Is that it?” I asked Jen as I looked straight up.Β  There was a cloudy streak across the sky.

Then I looked south and saw the horizon glowing green.Β  The northern lights were not coming from the north!Β  They were all around us, in every direction, like a glowing curtain!Β  It was not at all what I expected to see.

The light show peaked for about 15 minutes, on a very cold night.Β  The lights shifted and changed, ever so slowly, so that you barely noticed.Β  You could stare at a band of green until it faded and was suddenly replaced by swirls of red.Β  The moon was a sharp crescent and it cut a hole through a band of green, as did a handful of bright stars.

Photographs and videos, of course, only tell part of the story, and only insofar as technology can capture.Β  The real colours and the subtle wispy cloudy bands we saw are lost in photos.

Directly overhead appeared to be the center of it all.Β  Radiating out from a central point were bands of cloudy white, like a celestial starfish.Β  Jen and I pondered this and wondered if the solar particles were hitting at that point.

I wish I had been listening to “Purple Rain” at that moment.Β  It did almost look like purple rain at times.

Jen and I had a moment on the previous night, listening to “Purple Rain” during sunset.Β  It was an uplifting, somewhat surreal moment to hear Prince soloing and singing over the sight of the glowing sky.Β  Imagine if we had it playing during the borealis!

The bone-chilling cold of the Kincardine night cut our visit short, but I can now say I’ve seen the Northern Lights.

Bucket list achieved.

 

REVIEW: Hear N’ Aid – Stars (1986)

HEAR N’ AIDΒ – Stars (1986 LP, Japanese CD)

It is hard to believe that this monumental album, a piece of rock history, was only issued on CD in Japan! Finding a domestic LP or cassette isn’t hard (I’ve owned it on all three formats including CD) so hunt your record shops. Β I know Wendy Dio has a CD/DVD reissue lined up, hopefully including the full album, single edit, and the video and interviews. Β If you’re reading this Wendy…

At the time, all funds went to starving people in Africa, hence the name Hear N’ Aid. Β The inspiration was something fairly obvious: Β No heavy metal people outside of Geddy Lee was involved in the numerous famine relief projects of the time! Β (Geddy sang a lead on the excellent “Tears Are Not Enough” (1985) by Northern Lights, but nobody metal could be seen in “Do They Know It’s Christmas” or “We Are the World”.)

“Oh, you knoooow that we’ll be there!”

Showing the world that heavy metal bands and fans aren’t a bunch of assholes, Jimmy Bain and Vivian Campbell of Dio came up with the concept for Hear N’ Aid.

The main track, “Stars”, by Hear N’ Aid is a tour-de-force. Written by Bain, Campbell and Dio, this is essentially an epic extended track with a soft intro and heavy verses, and tons of guests. They assembled virtually every major metal singer who was willing and available to take part. That means you will hear Quiet Riot singers Kevin DuBrow and Paul Shortino (still with Ruff Cutt at the time) singing together for the first and only time in history! Rob Halford, Don Dokken, Eric Bloom, Geoff Tate, Dave Meniketti, and Dio himself all take lead vocal slots too.

When the guitar solo kicks in, prepared to be blown away. With Iron Maiden guitarists Dave Murray and Adrian Smith playing backing harmonies, you will hear the monstrous talents of George Lynch, Yngwie Malmsteen, Vivian Campbell, Craig Goldy, Neal Schon, Buck Dharma, Carloz Cavazo, Brad Gillis and Eddie Ojeda all taking a few bars. No charity track had ever attempted to assemble not just singers, but guitar players, on one track before.

All this is backed by drummers, bassists and keyboard players from Dio and Quiet Riot. There are more backing singers than I can name, but most notably, Derek Smalls and David St. Hubbins from Spinal Tap. Of course.

The rest of the album is filled out by songs donated by bands who couldn’t take part in the song, but still wanted to help the starvation situation in Africa. Therefore you will get a live “Heaven’s On Fire” from Kiss, from their Animalize Live Uncensored home video. This is the only place that the audio track was released on. There is an unreleased live “Distant Early Warning” by Rush, and rare ones by Scorpions and Accept as well.

Tracklist:
1.Hear ‘n Aid – “Stars”
2.Accept – “Up to the Limit” (live)
3.MotΓΆrhead – “On the Road” (live)
4.Rush – “Distant Early Warning” (live)
5.Kiss – “Heaven’s on Fire” (live)
6.Jimi Hendrix – “Can You See Me”
7.Dio – “Hungry for Heaven” (live)
8.Y&T – “Go for the Throat”
9.Scorpions – “The Zoo” (live)

5/5 stars