Author: mikeladano

Metal, hard rock, rock and roll! Record Store Tales & Reviews! Grab A Stack of Rock and more. Poking the bear since 2010.

#1153: The Roots of Trauma

STOPARRET

Serious stuff ahead.

 

RECORD STORE TALES #1153: The Roots of Trauma

I don’t remember the photo session, but I remember the picture clearly.  My red, white and black shirt is what I recall the most easily about this picture.  I couldn’t remember my age or what I looked like in the photo, but I remember that shirt.  This portrait was on display at my parents’ house for many years, along with others depicting my sister and I as children.

When I saw this picture again, for the first time in probably decades, I was shocked.  I looked into my own face and I read my own mind.

I still make that face.  know every angle of the eyes and the curvature of the mouth.  I am intimately familiar with that face.  It is the face of anxiety and fear.  If you have ever seen me make that face, it wasn’t a good day.

You can’t blame my parents.  Back then, nobody knew any better.  Baby was crying, baby didn’t want his photo taken.  So you ignored the crying, you sat the baby down, and you let the photographer take the photo.  There were going to be lots more photos.  He’d better get used to this.

I look at the picture and I don’t see a baby crying for his first portrait.  I see the fear and the need to be understood.  I was always “shy” around strangers.  You can imagine how I felt, with this strange photographer and in this weird place with a shag carpet beneath me and a dreary grey background.  My parents were probably frustrated that they were paying for this photo, and this baby keeps crying.  I can read that face.  It’s the face that says, “I’m in distress here and why isn’t anybody listening to me?”

My whole life, I have felt like people don’t listen to me.  They either don’t understand what I’m trying to convey or they just won’t listen.  I have had dreams about this going back to when I was a kid.  Trying to tell people what I’m feeling or what I need, and being dismissed.  Eventually the frustration at not being understood boils over to screaming.  To me, there is nothing worse than not being heard.  To this day, sometimes the only person who understands what I’m saying and feeling is Jen.

In this picture, I see a need.  I clearly wanted the hell out of there, and back home where felt safe and sound.  I needed someone to hug me, tell me it was alright, and it will be over in just a minute.  I needed someone to touch me and say, “I know you’re scared, this is all new to you.  I know that camera and all that stuff looks scary.  I know that person is a stranger, but if you need me I’m right here and I won’t let anything happen to you.”  I needed that time being reassured.  I can see it in my face.  It’s as clear as words on paper.

This picture makes me feel a lot of things.  I see my entire future laid about before me.  So many fears.  Going to school, learning to drive, living alone…that’s the face of someone who doesn’t want those things.  He wants to stay home with his mom and dad, where he would be safe and surrounded only by familiar things and people who love him.  This is the face of someone who is so uncomfortable that he is questioning why mom and dad are doing this to him.  This is the face of someone who feels utterly alone inside.

It was over in minutes and forgotten, but I can’t help but feel that seeds were being sown.

There’s nobody to blame.  Nobody knew any better.  I couldn’t even talk, let alone understand all this terror I was feeling.  I couldn’t have said “That person is a stranger and something about them is bothering me, I don’t know what those things are, I don’t like being up on this table covered with a shag carpet, and can someone please just tell me what is happening right now?”  All I could do was cry.

I hate being this way.  I hate the constant anxiety that nibbles away at me every day.  I hate the feeling of not being understood.  It’s amazing to think that I can see all this in my baby picture.

 

REVIEW: Def Leppard – “Just Like 73″ (7” single)

DEF LEPPARD – “Just Like 73” (7″ Mercury single)

This is Def Leppard’s first 7″ single in 30 years – since “Action” in 1994!

I’m bored of Def Leppard’s glam throwback songs.  I know that seems hypocritical, given that many of their biggest hits (“Pour Some Sugar On Me”) are basically that.  “Just Like 73″ is their latest single, a standalone without an album, issued on various coloured 7” singles this year.  While we applaud Leppard for releasing new music on a physical format, the song is not one of their greatest to date.

The coolest aspect of “Just Like 73” is the surprising guitar solo by Tom Morello.  Rage Against the Machine and Def Leppard were diametrically opposed in 1993, but I suppose back in ’73, those guys were listening to a lot of the same records.  On the B-side is a version without Mr. Morello, which is valuable to the collector, but the song is lesser without him.

Sometimes Def Leppard seem bent upon recreating their past, and not always hitting that mark.  “Just Like 73” pushes those big “Hey!” vocals that are so commonly associated with Leppard.  It has the Gary Glitter kind of beats that they are so fond of.  Really, the only thing new here for Def Leppard is that Morello squonk all over the A-side.  That’s a great mix and they should collaborate further.

3/5 stars

The Adventures of Tee Bone Man: The Final Chapter (by Harrison Kopp)

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN
PHASE TWO: THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

Chapter Twenty-Six: The Final Chapter

By Harrison Kopp

Shinzon, the renegade clone of El Moustachio, was having a bit of an existential crisis. Again. Since escaping Marshall Lokjaw and choosing Hawaii to lay low, he had found life to be quite uneventful.  And it was kind of bothering him.

As he walked back to his volcanic lair underneath Diamond Head, after yet another day working in a grocery store, he took a few moments to reflect on his existence now.

Is this really living? Just existing without purpose, spending all your time surviving? Do people just do this every day until they die?

Since killing the Brainiac and fulfilling his number one goal in his short life, he’d been without direction. He was only hiding here out of necessity, as Tyranus had put a very large bounty on his head, and he was going a little stir crazy.

There were admittedly some benefits to the peaceful life. It was less stressful, allowing him to slow down focus on the smaller things. Each day gave him unique reasons to smile. In theory. He just wished people would stop asking about his hook hand. It was a souvenir from his battle with the Brainiac, but he sure as hell wasn’t going to be telling anyone that.

And there would be no smiling at the moment, for Shinzon’s ruminations were cut short when he stubbed his toe on something.

“Ow!” he cried, frantically looking around to see if anyone had heard him. It seemed not. He looked down to see a piece of metal sticking out of the ground.  It glinted in the sun, one corner freshly cleaned from a recent rain storm.  The rain must have unearthed it…whatever it is, thought Shinzon.

Reaching down, Shinzon pulled hard. It took a fair amount of force to dislodge it from its earthy prison, but he managed. He turned it over in his hand and examined it. It looked like it had been there for an incredibly long time. The dirt was caked into every crevice. Curiously though, the metal was pristine underneath. And it smelled of alcohol.

This could be worth further study he thought to himself, putting it in his backpack. He continued his ascent, once again allowing himself to become lost in thought regarding his future plans.

Finally making it up the mountainside to the entrance to the lair, he pressed the concealed button and entered the hatchway. After putting the supplies he’d bought in the “fridge” (actually the air conditioning unit from the Quadjumper), he placed the strange device on the workbench and went to sleep. It could wait until tomorrow.

However, unbeknownst to Shinzon, and the rest of the residents on Hawaii, things were about to get a lot more exciting the next day, because as they slept on this warm night, a flying saucer of Martian origin touched down in the forest outside the town. Out from it emerged three aliens, who quickly disappeared into the night.

 

The following morning, inside Deke’s Palace, Tee Bone Man and Superdekes were up bright and early and hard at work looking over everything they knew about Shinzon. It wasn’t much. To them, he was a Lego thief who had disappeared during an earlier adventure. The next they heard of him, he had inexplicably reappeared to murder the Brainiac.  This particular incident would lead to a vengeful Dr. K (Brainiac’s sister) confronting our heroes and demanding they end Shinzon for his part in her brother’s death. And she meant business.

But at the very least, they had confirmed that Shinzon was on Earth. That meant that it was just a matter of finding him. Tee Bone was currently scouring the internet for any mentions of his name that weren’t Star Trek related (not easy), and Deke was reading the findings from the other members of the Northern Lights.

The ring of the doorbell disrupted their workflow. Deke answered it to find the local mailman out of breath.

“*Huff*… *huff* Someone *huff* wanted this to get to you,” he said, handing Deke a mostly flat package. The tell-tale sign of a record.

“Thank you,” Deke said, taking the record. “There’s a water fountain on the grounds about 30 metres that way.”

The mailman let out an appreciative exhale as Deke closed the door and began to unbox the package. Sure enough it was the album he’d expected, on Thalarian green coloured vinyl at that.

This particular record wasn’t easy to come by. The KMA eastern offices had pulled double time with their grail list searchers to find it. But they had come through, and Deke now held in his hands a copy of the only vinyl edition of Jerry Goldsmith’s Star Trek: Nemesis score. It was the film that Shinzon’s creator had taken the pleasure of sourcing the clone’s name.

Deke returned to the theatre room (they were using the bigger screen to better scour security camera footage) and put side A of the soundtrack on, before going back to work. But it wasn’t long before the skipping of the record (harder to discern than usual due to the lack of vocals) got the two heroes’ attention.

“Tee! Danger vibes!” Deke exclaimed. “Just as we’d hoped.”

The skipping of the record was then joined by the ringing of their secure video call line. This could only mean one thing.

 

 

Tee Bone ran over to the computer and answered the call. The video connection was operating, but the camera seemed to have been angled too low, as all our two heroes could see was one very muscly chest.

“Mes amis!” came the voice of who they recognized as Jex Rambo through the stacks of Marshall amplifiers arranged in a 5.1 Surround Sound configuration.

“Jex!” Tee Bone excitedly said. “Great to see you. Want to have that discussion about Done With Mirrors we were planning?”

“I’m afraid I’m calling on official Durling Foundation business this time, Monsieur,” Jex replied. “Last night our long-range sensors detected an unknown object enter the atmosphere and land in Hawaii. The engine emissions match those of the Martian UFO you brought back last year.”

“I knew it was a good idea to let them take a look at that UFO we stole from Mars. Can’t believe Snowman didn’t want to lend it to them,” Deke said, though he was quite puzzled by the strand of dyed blonde hair they’d found on the back seat. Maybe a DNA test would reveal who else had been in the ship, and when.

“We’re sending over some agents to investigate,” Jex continued.  “I think we could use your help on this one.”

Tee Bone cast a glance at Deke. It would seriously derail their search for Shinzon.  They only had 30 days to find him, per their temporary truce with Dr. K, but they’d always help a friend in need. Deke nodded in the affirmative.

“We’re in.”

“Excellent. We’ll be testing out a new stealth jet we’ve been working on so we’ll be find you once we’ve touched down there.”

“It’ll be late by the time we all get there. Get a good night’s rest and we’ll meet up in the morning.”, Jex said as he signed off.

 

“Do you see them?” Deke asked, hoping.

“It’s not easy to spot him in this crowd you know,” Tee Bone replied. “Lots of shirtless tourists.”

But it turns out they didn’t need to find Jex, as he found them first.

“Mes amis!” Jex Rambo shouted from behind them.

The two heroes spun around to see the recognizable abdominal section of Jex Rambo. Handshakes were in order, before Tee Bone sharply cut to business.

“Our previous encounter with Martians indicated they were interested in replacing key members of our society with doubles. But we atomised their leader.” he said

“They must be reporting to someone higher then,” Jex mused. “It will be hard to track them down in this city. We’ll have to split up.”

“Alright.” Deke spoke up. “Why don’t you check on the governor and make sure he’s all accounted for in the past 24 hours. We’ll do a little investigating among the populace.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Jex replied.  “Now, let’s see if we can find these aliens.”  The trio went to work asking around the town and looking for clues.

 

 

Very nearby, Shinzon was engaged in one of the most sacred of domestic rituals: the washing of the laundry. Of course, he had no way to do this in his volcano lair, and so he was currently putting change into the washing machine at town laundromat.

How has my life come to this? He thought to himself. I was destined for greatness.  Although, to be fair, the chances of being murdered in a laundromat are pretty slim. Maybe this isn’t so bad after all.

He pressed the start button and turned around to take a seat and wait.

A little while later he looked up and an icy shot of fear went straight through his heart. Walking right up to the door of the laundromat was none other than Tee Bone Man and Superdekes.

It only took them a minute. The two men had entered and looked around.  Nothing much looked out of the ordinary.  That was, until they got to the washing machine where Shinzon had been sitting mere moments before.

“Hey Tee, come take a look at this,” Deke said, motioning towards the washing machine.

Tee Bone walked over and the two studied the contents of the machine. They didn’t recognise the silver and blue jumpsuit Shinzon usually wore into action, but they did notice it.

“This looks odd, almost alien even,” Deke said. “But what is it doing in one of these machines?”

“Well, it’s almost done. Let’s just wait here and see who comes to collect it,” Tee Bone replied.

Shinzon watched the two men take a seat from inside the wardrobe he was hiding in. This was not good.

But luck was on Shinzon’s side today however, because only a minute before the load was due to finish a great cacophony of sounds caught the attention of the two heroes. From outside came the echoes of screams, car brakes and the smashing of metal.

Tee Bone and Deke immediately sprang into action, running outside to face whatever was out there, which turned out to be just a car crash. However, a superhero is always on call.  They still lent their aid, Tee Bone’s super strength helping remove the twisted metal trapping one of the drivers.  Other than that, there was some damage to the building, but everything appeared to be fine. Most of the people appeared to have panicked and left the scene already, and no one was hurt.

The two men re-entered the laundromat, only to find the machine they had previously been staking out completely empty.

“Blast!” Deke cursed.

Tee Bone radioed Jex.  “Hey Jex, we’re at the laundromat and we think someone with valuable intel just left here. If you’re nearby, keep an eye out for someone carrying a silver and blue jumpsuit.”

“Got it,” crackled Jex’s reply.

 

 

Shinzon’s luck had just ran out.  Having cleared the city limits, he thought he was home-free. He thought wrong. Before him stood three Martians, all blocking his path.  There was only one thing he could do now, but it meant bringing the men he had just escaped right to him.

Pulling a flaregun from his pocket (the closest thing he had to a weapon) he fired directly at the sky and ran for his life up the mountain side.

Meanwhile, the man known only as the Night Ranger, an enforcer for the Durling Foundation, continued to prowl the rooftops. His black cowl concealed his face beneath.  The commotion near the laundromat had not escaped his attention, and he was now listening out for any clues as to what happened. One conversation in particular caught his attention.

“It was like an evil koala or something,” a young woman said. This could be something Night Ranger thought to himself.

But before he could follow this thread further, his attention was immediately drawn to the sound of an explosion from the jungle nearby. He looked over to see a bright red flare burning in the sky.

“Night Ranger, come in!” came Jex’s voice from his radio.

“I see it,” Night Ranger said, already running in that direction, his cape a blur behind him.

“Tee Bone and I are already en route,” Jex continued.

“Understood,” Night Ranger replied, altering the direction he was heading in.

 

Shinzon was tearing up the mountainside as fast as his legs could carry him, but the Martians continued their dogged pursuit. A searing laser blast sizzled past his ear and vaporised a tree in front of him. He was running out of time and luck.

He dared not drop the bag of laundry. If he got out of this he would need the jumpsuit within.

Finally reaching the concealed entrance to his lair, he practically dove headfirst into it through the foliage. Several laser blasts atomised the leaves obscuring the hole. He only had seconds before the Martians were upon him.

He got to his feet and tore through the tunnels towards the Quadjumper’s cave. Twisting and turning through the tunnels, he was sure he’d lost his pursuers. But that was far from the case, he would discover when he entered a large cave room. At the exact moment the Martians and our heroes converged on that very location.

“YOU!” Tee Bone growled.

The enraged superhero struck a violent power chord so hard that he broke two of the strings on his guitar. The sonic wave picked up Shinzon and slammed him violently against the cave wall.

A great rumbling filled the tunnel. Cracks began to appear in the walls, as steaming orange liquid began to ooze out of then.

“Oh shit…” Tee Bone exclaimed with his eyes wide.

Rocks began to fall, separating the three groups from one another.

The way forward was now blocked in this tunnel. From beyond the rubble cave was heard the harsh sound of Martian speech. But the cave network was multi-latticed, and Tee Bone knew there’d be a way through in one of the previous tunnels they’d passed. He began to run, but Deke attempted to grab him.

“We can’t Tee! We have to get out of here!” Deke pleaded.

“No! He’s going to pay for what he did!”

“I know, and he will. But it’s too dangerous. Trust me. We have to go now.”

Tee Bone paused for a second, then nodded.  “Alright.”

The two men turned around and sprinted for the way they came. They retraced their steps back, skipping around pools of magma seeping up and falling from above, like a real-life game of “The Floor is Lava”. They reached the exit with not a moment too soon, as the entire cave behind them flooded.

Without a second’s hesitation, Tee Bone grabbed Deke and flew them back down the mountain to the outskirts of the city. They’d be safe from any lava here, short of a full-on eruption.

 

 

Looking upwards, they could see the Quadjumper in the lower atmosphere, with an alien UFO in hot pursuit. Tee Bone prepared to take off after it, but Jex stopped them.

“Don’t worry, I have a guy on this,” the muscly man said.

And sure enough, Jex made good on his word. Mere moments later a black stealth jet streaked past the trio and blasted towards the upper atmosphere, quickly overtaking the martian UFO.

“Night Ranger!” Jex cried into his radio. “You read me buddy?”

“Loud and clear,” came a mechanically distorted voice “Don’t start thinkin’!  I’m gaining on the fleeing ship.  I can almost see their faces…”

“Shoot him down!” Tee Bone yelled into the radio.

The jet was almost in striking range, but a blinking red light on the console alerted Night Ranger to a problem. A failure in one of the coolant pumps. “Damn!  Can’t find me a thrill…”  He had to abort.

“I’m sorry guys, but there’s been a technical malfunction here.  One of the cooler pumps that goes directly into the Streamyard unit have completely failed.  It’s frozen up.  I have to withdraw,” he radioed down to his friends on the ground.

“No!” Tee Bone yelled.

“Sorry,” Came Night Rangers apologetic voice over the radio.  “It’s a mechanical failure…the tech in this jet is all analog.  I’ll crash if I try to pursue.  Blame Mr. Durling for his obsession with this old 80s stuff.”

The stealth jet disengaged and headed back to the surface, but the alien UFO continued right past it, lasers blazing.  Tee Bone Man responded immediately, and got himself into the air.  “We want Shinzon alive!” he announced, and aimed his guitar carefully for a shot that would disable the engines.  He could fly beneath, and bring it to a safe landing.  Or, less lethal landing anyway.  If his aim was just right….

The UFO also had its sights on Shinzon, and its occupants did not care if he was alive or dead.  They continued to fire laser blasts directly on the Quadjumper.  Several of them found their mark on the Quadjumper’s rear, exploding into green splashes of colour and leaving dark scorch marks.  Helpless to stop it, Tee Bone gasped.  Softly landing, he watched what unfolded next.

In the cockpit, Shinzon was frantically trying to keep his ship moving upwards. As the sparks and steam clouded his vision, he desperately looked around for the fire suppression lever. But it was actually the strange device he had discovered on Earth that drew his attention.

It began to grow warm and vibrate gently. The stench of Scotch filled the cockpit.  Then, an instant later, the Quadjumper was enveloped in a deep gold explosion, and ceased to exist in Tee Bone’s universe.

Tee Bone stared at the sky ahead, viewing the aftermath of the explosion the Quadjumper had disappeared into.

“Good riddance,” he shrugged.  “We can hope.”

 

Later that day, the heroes were meeting up in a local restaurant for lunch before heading back to Canada. The rest of the morning had been pretty uneventful. The aliens had left the Earth after seemingly completing their mission, and our heroes were now enjoying a quiet moment of reflection while eating.

Jex had also taken the time to properly introduce Tee Bone and Deke to the Night Ranger.

“I’ve been here this whole time. Just incognito,“ the masked hero said.  “I have to cover my face in public when buying Bon Jovi records at the local Walmart.”

The group nodded in understanding.

“How come we never saw you then?” Deke quizzed him.

“I’m good at my job,” was the reply.

“Haha. Well you’ll have to teach us your ways sometime,” Deke laughed.

“So what happens now?” Jex asked Tee Bone.

“Well Dr K should be off our backs now.  And our Shinzon problem is solved too,” Tee Bone said. “With a little luck I think we might have a bit of peace and quiet in the coming months.”

“That sounds good to me buddy,” said Deke.  “I could use some R&R – that’s rock and roll!”

Outside the restaurant, the quartet said their goodbyes.

“You take the stealth jet home,” said Tee Bone.  “I feel like flying.”  Tee Bone stretched his arms into the air — and nothing happened.

“Doing some yoga, mon ami?” asked Jex Rambo.

“Hang on,” said Tee.  “Sometimes it takes a little jump to get airborne.”  He jumped, arms outstretched to the sky…and nothing.

“The hell?” asked Deke.  “I mean, I always joked that you can fly and I can’t, but this isn’t funny.  Try strumming some chords.”

Tee Bone removed the Stratocaster from his back and played a chord.  It came out muted, out of tune, and completely unamplified.

“I…can’t fly!” said Tee Bone in distress.  He tried blasting a nearby tree with the power of radioactive Scotch.  He may as well have farted in the wind, for nothing happened.

“I don’t understand what’s happening!” cried Deke.  “Try something else.  Try…up up and away?”

“It’s no use Deke!  I cannot fly!  My powers…they’re gone!”  Night Ranger and Jex Rambo looked on with great concern.

“What happened to Tee Bone Man?” screamed Deke in hysterics.

From above came a voice.  A hollow, echoey voice that was somehow familiar to the two superheroes.

“I believe I  have the answer to that,” came the voice.  Before our group appeared a spectre.  It was the visage of an elderly man, dressed in jeans and a black leather jacket.  The transparent man smiled on at Deke and Tee Bone.

 

 

“Holy shit…” said Night Ranger.  “I recognize that guy…”

“Sacre bleu!  Me too!” exclaimed Jex.

“So do I!” cried Tee Bone.  “If it isn’t William W. Roderick Stewart the Third!”

“In the flesh!” bowed the image of Stewart.  “Well, in the ectoplasm anyway.”

Jex Rambo snickered at the joke.  He was, after all, a Ghostbusters fan.  “So you are a ghost?” asked Jex.

“Indeed I am,” answered Stewart.  “I have been watching from above, in Rock and Roll Heaven, all this time.  But friends…your time is at an end.  Your duties are fulfilled.  Tee Bone’s powers were intrinsically linked to the Scotch Matrix, an object of great power.  It was hidden here in Hawaii all this time, unknown to me.  Now, the character you know as Shinzon has caused it to leave this universe.  Where it has gone, I do not know.  My powers do not extend that far.  But without it in this universe, Tee Bone Man’s Scotch based powers cannot exist.  The Scotch Matrix was a powerful artefact indeed.”

“But we have so much left to do!” said Tee Bone.  “We have to save rock and roll!  You said so yourself!”

“That I did,” answered Stewart.  “And have you not done that?  Many, many times over?  Have you not saved rock and roll from Satan, Tommy Lee, Billy Sheehan, Wicked Lester, and many more?  And now you have saved this universe from Shinzon, and the masters he served — Tyranus, and Unicron, the Eater of Worlds.  He shall not be feasting on Earth this time.”

“What are you saying, old man?  That you don’t need us anymore?  You’re cutting us loose now that Tee Bone is no longer of any use to you?” scolded Deke.

The ghost of Stewart laughed.  “Me?  No, no.  You misunderstand.  Once I left this mortal coil, I was no longer in any control.  I am merely a watcher, an observer now.  However, the universe clearly conspired to create you two in the first place.  The universe knew it was in danger, and so brought you to me, and gave you powers.  What is given can be taken away…and you have done your duty.  You have done more than enough.  And now, you may have your rewards.”

“Rewards?” asked Tee Bone.  “What rewards?”

“Exactly what you wanted!  R&R – rock and roll, plus rest and relaxation.  You can go home now, Tee Bone.  Go home.  Enjoy life, with Deke.  Play music, and never worry about danger vibes again. You may stay in Deke’s Palace forever.  It is yours, to do with as you please.  The next generation is here.  The Durling Foundation, and these two men, Night Ranger and Jex Rambo, are capable of defending the Earth.  They will not be alone.  They have the rest of the Northern Lights at their command!  The King of Sharks will defend the sea.  The Mars Man will be sent to the Red Planet to deal with the Martians.  You have the bank accounts of the Snowman, and the libraries of Mr. Books.  You have Specialist Jen Ladano watching from orbit.  For what it’s worth, Max the Axe is always on standby.  And there may be some old members of the band returning to the fold, if the universe wills it.

“Go, Tee Bone Man and Superdekes.  Now, you are simply Troy and Derek once again.  The world is in good hands.  I have…foreseen it.”

And with that and a sly wink, the spectre disappeared.

“Wait!!  We have so many questions!” exclaimed Deke.  “What is the Scotch Matrix?  Who is Unicron?”  But it was no use.  The ghost of the man who started it all had disappeared, like Obi-Wan Kenobi into the mists.

It took a moment for all this to sink in.

“You know what Deke?  I’m actually relieved,” said Tee Bone.  “I mean, it’s no secret that this job has been hard on my health.  Look at my trips to camp, for example.  I’m…I’m excited about retirement!”

“Actually…me too,” said Deke.  “More time for music,” he reasoned.

The heroes embraced, and went their separate ways.  Home.

 

 

Back in Canada Dr. K, was reviewing the footage sent to her from Deke. The camera feed on the stealth jet had recorded Shinzon’s demise. But her desire for revenge wasn’t satiated yet.  Shinzon couldn’t have been working alone. Tee Bone Man and Superdekes were off the hook, but someone had orchestrated her brother’s death.

And they were going to pay.

Shinzon, meanwhile, was intently holding his breath, and not just because he wasn’t 100% sure the ship was still airtight. All four engines were out and he was drifting Cthulu-knows-where. Life support was barely functional.

Trying the ignition again, he was rewarded as the engines coughed to life. The husk of the starship began to stagger erratically towards the nearest planetoid.  If Shinzon survived the ‘landing’, he was going to be in quite a predicament.

 

The farthest reaches of space

Lord Tyranus would never admit to feeling fear, but that was exactly the emotion that ran through him as he approached the dark patch of space that his terrible master resided in. He’d spoken with him many times before, but this was the first time he was doing it in person. And the first time he was facing him after such monumental a failure.

The gigantic robotic planet took up the entire viewscreen of the Sith Lord’s shuttle, and even though his master was in planet mode, Tyranus could tell he was furious.

The thunderous voice or Unicron burst forth.

“Speak! Have you ended the clone’s existence? Is the Scotch Matrix recovered?”

“N-no master. I arrived too late.” Tyranus spoke, his heart in his throat. “But…”

“There is no ‘but’!” he roared. “No more excuses! Your failures have had terrible and far-reaching consequences. Your inability to capture this loose end has now allowed him to unravel the very tapestry of my designs. You knew the Scotch Matrix was on Earth. You just had to get it. Now it could be anywhere in the grand calculus of the multiverse.”

“I’ll redouble my efforts to find him,” Tyranus squeaked out futilely.

“No, you won’t. I’ll do it myself.”

A deafening roar filled the once-Sith Lord’s ears. His robotic hands crumbled away to dust before his eyes. Then the shuttle began to shake as a loud hum developed. He looked out the viewscreen in horror. Unicron’s rings were lit up a deep glowing orange. The hum began to pulse, reverberating around. Tyranus scrabbled for the shuttle controls futilely, unable to grasp anything with the stumps at the end of his arms.

Then, with an ear-splitting crack, the planet-sized Transformer and shuttle were gone, leaving behind only empty space.

 

Back in the Palace our retired heroes were enjoying their first day of rest. Things had been hectic for the last three years.  The pair were enjoying this moment of slowing down. And it looked like they were going to get it. Everything Stewart said appeared to be true.  Deke’s radioactive Scotch sensors had detected a massive surge from deep within the galaxy, that could only mean one thing. The Durling Foundation’s deep-space satellites corroborated his data.  Unicron, and the Matrix, had left this universe.

For how long, they couldn’t tell. But if he ever returned, the New Northern Lights would be ready.  The Mars Man was now installed on Mars.  Mr. Books had a splendid new library to work from, provided by the Durling Foundation.  Jen was in Space, keeping a close eye on the blue planet below. For a change, all was well.  Even the Sasquatches were laying low this season.  Not a single sighting, all summer.

Deke stood by the turntable, dropping the needle on a record. A few seconds later the opening notes of Van Halen’s “Eruption” blared forth from the speakers. Tee Bone began to get lost in the music. Eddie’s playing was note-perfect.  No danger vibes.  He got up, kicked off his socks, and danced.

This was going to be a great afternoon.

The End…Of This Phase

The tales of Tee Bone Man and Superdekes’ exploits may be finished, but don’t worry. You’ll be seeing more from the multiverse soon. There are plenty of stories still to tell, featuring characters new and old.  Your favourites will be back soon…

The Saga continues…with the Adventures of the Northern Lights!

 

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS:  PHASE THREE – THE UNICRON SAGA

  • Chapter One:  A New Beginning

 

SPINOFFS AND SIDE QUESTS

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

 

 

An 8-track Holy Grail, a Marillion box set, and a Saga at its end, with Tim Durling and Aaron KMA – Grab A Stack of Rock Special Edition!

GRAB A STACK OF ROCK With Mike, Aaron KMA and Tim Durling

Special Edition Episode:  An 8 Track Holy Grail & More

This video is years in the making.  More than just an “unboxing” video, this is a fun and informative episode that documents one man’s journey to collect his favourite bands on obsolete formats, and another man’s ability to find them.

About four years ago, Aaron provided Tim with a rare 8-track tape that he needed for his collection.  Another one of Aaron’s tapes went to Martin Popoff.  But there was one tape that Tim needed to “complete” a specific collection.  And this summer, Aaron found that one too.  He just has a knack for it, and it seems appropriate that it was Aaron who found this last tape.  There’s a story that goes with it, and three tapes that went to me as well!

“Complete” is in quotes, because this video is far more than just an unboxing video.  This is a philosophical (and fun) discussion about 8-track tapes, collecting, and genuine Australian bubble wrap.  We discuss breaks in the middle of tracks, altered track listings, and for good measure, a little bit about vintage Star Wars toys.  We also speculate on one tape that may still be out there, but remains unknown.

This episode is in two parts.  It begins with Aaron and I unboxing three beautiful 8-track tapes, and a number of birthday gifts.  Also inside that box was Tim’s tape, which I mailed immediately to New Brunswick.  The video cuts and picks up with Tim, ready to open his treasure in front of the cameras.

 

Ranked! ALL the Deep Purple Studio Albums, with Ryan Gavalier

Whew!  That was a rock marathon, but Ryan and I crossed the finish line with a complete ranking of all the Deep Purple studio albums (excluding the covers album Turning to Crime).  This was not an easy task.  We both immersed ourselves fully in the music all week.  In the end, some albums struck us harder than others.  While our Top Fives were both very similar, but the rest of the lists were widely varied.

Thank you to Ryan Gavalier for this awesome jump through the Deep Purple catalogue.  Not only was it an electrfying week of music, but it was also a week for re-appraisal.  I always knew my first and last albums, but the middle was quite fluid.

While we did attempt to spend a good deal of time discussing each album, we really only scratched the surface.  The best thing to do would be for you to check out the music yourself.

Thanks for watching, and we’ll see you tomorrow for another episode of Grab A Stack of Rock (Special Editon).  Stay tuned!

My list can be seen at the bottom of this post by highlighting the hidden text.

 

22  The Book of Taleisyn (1968)

21 Shades Of (1968)

20 Abandon (1998)

19 The Battle Rages On (1993)

18 The House of Blue Light (1987)

17 Rapture of the Deep (2005)

16 Bananas (20030

15 Slaves and Masters (1990)

14 InFinite (2017)

13 =1

12 Who Do We Think We Are! (1973)

11 Deep Purple (1969)

10 NOW What?! (2013)

9 Burn (1974)

8 Come Taste the Band (1975)

7 Whoosh (2020)

6 Stormbringer (1974)

5 Machine Head (1972)

4 Perfect Strangers (1984)

3 Purpendicular (1996)

2 In Rock (1970)

1 Fireball (1971)

 

Ranking ALL the Deep Purple Studio Albums, with Ryan Gavalier – live tonight at 8:00 PM

GRAB A STACK OF ROCK With Mike and the Mad Metal Man
Episode 69: Ranking ALL the Deep Purple Studio Albums, with Ryan Gavalier

Please welcome Ryan Gavalier from Gavalier Productions for his show debut!  We have been wanting to work together for about a year now.  For Ryan’s first topic, he went big:  we are tackling the complete Deep Purple studio albums and ranking them.  (We are excluding the covers album Turning to Crime, and the Concerto since it was a live album.)  That’s 21 albums, so buckle up.  We are giving you extra this long Labour Day weekend.

Both Ryan and I have spent the last week listening to Deep Purple, in chronological order.  I always knew what my first pick would be, and I knew my last pick from the start.  Now, it is a matter of filling in the blanks.

Be sure to join Ryan and I live, as you’ll want to play along in the comments.  See you then!

Sunday September 1 at 8:00 P.M. E.S.T. / 9:00 P.M. Atlantic.   Enjoy on YouTube or on Facebook!

#1152: Our Wedding Songs: Do’s and Don’ts!

Happy anniversary to us, August 31

RECORD STORE TALES #1152: Our Wedding Songs Do’s and Don’ts!

I take pride in my music, and I wanted my wedding to reflect that.  I wanted nothing but music with integrity.  Unfortunately, DJ services didn’t want to deal with that.  I learned that with wedding music, you have to compromise.  Though the day may be about you, it’s also not.  It’s about your spouse, your family, their family, and close friends too.  The DJs want them to fill the dance floor, not sit eating wedding cake with sad looks on their faces.

I sent out lists of songs to various DJ services, and got crickets back.  Nobody wanted to play my pre-selected list of music.

Eventually we found one called Skip A Beat.  The DJ we ultimately chose furnished us with a spreadsheet.  It was a list of the most popular dance floor filling songs of the year 2008.  I was told to mark down any songs that were good to go, and any that were not to be played.  You can see my coding in the spreadsheet below.  I also added some songs of my own.  I didn’t get my Helix, but I got most of what I wanted.

  • Green = play it!
  • Yellow = meh.
  • Red = over my dead body!

Some “over my dead body” music did get played.  Why?

Uncle Paul.

I still remember the DJ coming up and me and saying a man was asking her for all kinds of my banned songs.  I asked, what man?  It was Uncle Paul!

He loved to dance.  So I relunctantly cut him some slack. “Macarena” was played.  Shania Twain was played.  I know “Y.M.C.A.” played because ultimately, I danced to it.

Take a look at my list.  What would be your no-go’s?

 

For years after, Uncle Paul told me it was the best wedding he’d ever been to.  The lesson is, compromise!  Even on crappy crappy songs, try to compromise.  The happiness of your guests is just as important as yours.

REVIEW: Bruce Dickinson – “Resurrection Men” (2024 CD single)

BRUCE DICKINSON – “Resurrection Men” (2024 BMG CD single)

The Mandrake Project is a dense album.  It takes a lot of time to absorb and understand.  The concept goes way over my head, but the songs are heavy and the direction is metal.  Bruce Dickinson is nothing if not ambitious, and of course that means taking the new album on the road.  His live band this time out includes the always reliable Dave Moreno on drums, and Whitenake bassist Tanya O’Callaghan.  Bruce has released two singles from the album with exclusive B-sides, and the second is “Resurrection Men”.

“Resurrection Men” is long for a single, at almost six and a half minutes.  It is loaded with drama, and the acoustic intro really sets a mood.  Then it goes into something more western, like from a Clint Eastwood film, with interesting percussion.  That soon subsides and we go full electric.  This song lunges all over the place, from slow grinding verses to quiet bass-driven parts, and a powerhouse chorus.  Ultimately it’s not really single material, but that’s one thing that makes this release so interesting.  It’s also impressive how Bruce continues to sing with such lung power.

Live from Sao Paolo comes “Afterglow of Ragnarok“, the first single from The Mandrake Project.  A song about “what happens after the end of the world,” according to Bruce.  It is tight, and does not deviate far from the original cut.  The live setting is unforgiving, but even without multitracked vocals, Bruce nails it.  The stage energy is palpable, and Moreno kills it on drums.

The most exciting track is the very first live version of “Abduction” from Tyranny of Souls.  This one absolutely smokes, with breakneck pace, lightning drum fills, and melodic guitar harmonies.  A lot of solo Bruce stuff could almost be considered Iron Maiden made modern, louder and more intense.  “Abduction” falls into that category.  This live version has some really cool guitar solo work, very different from Roy Z’s on the album.

It is truly wonderful to see artists such as Def Leppard, Deep Purple, and Bruce Dickinson releasing physical singles with actual B-sides in 2024.  Keep it up.

4.5/5 stars

 

Make An Album Better Vol. 1: Iron Maiden’s Fear of the Dark (1992)

In 1992, we gave Iron Maiden’s Fear of the Dark album a generous 3.75/5 star rating.  Fear was the second in a row of underwhelming Iron Maiden albums.  After losing melodic songwriter Adrian Smith, the band struggled to achieve the heights of Seventh Son of a Seventh Son.  New member Janick Gers was also a songwriter, but Maiden struggled to match their previous mojo.  Several songs from Fear were never played live:   “Fear Is the Key”, “Childhood’s End”,  “The Fugitive”,  “Chains of Misery”,  “The Apparition”, “Judas Be My Guide”, and “Weekend Warrior”.  Meanwhile, the title track is a concert staple, played on almost every tour since.

What can we do to improve this album?

1. Tone down the keyboards

As the last Maiden album co-produced by Martin Birch, perhaps the metal maven was getting a little tired.  Fear isn’t as punchy as past albums.  Since Somewhere in Time, Maiden had become increasingly reliant on synths or keyboards.  Even the back-to-basics No Prayer for the Dying had keyboards.  Let’s not get rid of all the keyboards, let’s just tone them down.  On some tracks, such as “Afraid to Shoot Strangers”, they are little more than sonic wallpaper.  Let’s mix them a little lower for this experiment, and bring the drums up in the mix.

2. Remix the drums

Something about Nick McBrain’s drums on this album sound a little dead.  A tad too much like they’re in the back of a cave.  We should try making them a little more lively, and maybe just a tad louder in the mix.  Aim for something more like the Piece of Mind era drums sound.

3. Edit the album down, and re-sequence it

Let’s go for a nine track song list.  Clearly, the 12 on Fear were too many since they didn’t play the majority live.  Fear was a long album.  As the CD rose to dominance, albums grew longer.  CDs were initially made to be 74 minutes long so you could put long classical pieces on it without breaks.  74 minutes was never intended to be the standard album length, though Fear is shy of that at 58:34.  Still too long for a single record.  Classic Maiden albums were shorter than this.  We’ll go with nine songs.  Number of the Beast had eight, and Piece of Mind had nine.  Fear already had the perfect openers and closers, so we won’t touch those.

Side one

  1. “Be Quick or Be Dead”
  2. “Chains of Misery”
  3. “From Here to Eternity”
  4. “Judas Be My Guide”
  5. “Wasting Love”

Side two

  1. “Afraid to Shoot Strangers”
  2. “The Fugitive”
  3. “Weekend Warrior”
  4. “Fear of the Dark”

It was a real struggle to include “Weekend Warrior”, as I don’t think this ode to soccer hooliganism is a particularly good song.  However, I committed to nine, and I find “Fear is the Key” and “The Apparition” a tad dull.  “Childhood’s End” is the other deleted song, and really it could have been one or the other.  I went with “Weekend Warrior” because it’s different for Maiden.  (Not that “The Apparition” isn’t, but these songs aren’t really that great.  That’s why they weren’t played live.)

We maintain the kicking opener, high speed and going for the throat of big business.  Then we have anthemic shout-along rock in “Chains of Misery”.  “Wasting Love” acts as a side closer as it does on the proper album.  Kicking off side two with “Afraid to Shoot Strangers” is a bit of a risk, as it is a bit ballady to start, and coming off a ballad gives you two in a row.  However, it would work brilliantly as a side opener.  “Fear of the Dark” of course should close.  That’s what it’s built for.

This makes the album a perfect 44 minutes and 24 seconds!

4. Get rid of the tree Eddie!

Regular Maiden artist Derek Riggs had a falling out with Maiden’s management over his sketches for this album.  Instead, for the first of many times, Maiden went with the legendary sci-fi and fantasty artist Melvyn Grant, who didn’t really understand Eddie yet, or the continuity established on prior album covers.  From Number of the Beast to No Prayer for the Dying, there seemed to be an ongoing story with Eddie being manipulated, captured, and killed.  He is reborn, borgified, and gives birth, only to be reborn again.  Then, suddenly he’s a tree.  The lightning from Eddie’s eyes is gone, replaced by evil red peepers.  For our improved version of this album, the cover has to go.  Cover art is so important to Iron Maiden, and Fear had one of their most disappointing covers to date (with No Prayer by Riggs coming in second).

In Sum

Little can be done to improve some of the actual songs on this album.  Fear had filler, and a lot of it.  Even at nine songs, tracks like “The Fugitive” and “Weekend Warrior” are dangerously close to filler material.  Perhaps our hypothetical remix can liven them up, but shortening the album will do it some wonders.  Maiden rarely record original material for B-sides, and don’t put cover songs on their records.  There is no extra material we can substitute.

Doing the best with what we have at hand, what would you do to improve Fear of the Dark?