Author: mikeladano

Metal, hard rock, rock and roll! Record Store Tales & Reviews! Grab A Stack of Rock and more. Poking the bear since 2010.

Part 21: “The Book” / REVIEW: Martin Popoff – Riff Kills Man!
I keep my copy in my desk

I keep my copy in my desk

 

RECORD STORE TALES Part 21:  The Book

Way back in the day, Tom had this book; a book of reviews of metal albums.  I don’t know where he got it.  He had recently acquired it and was perusing album reviews daily.  Hanging out one evening, he said to me, “Have you ever heard Gillan?”

I said, “Gillan, as in Ian Gillan’s band?”

“Yeah,” responded Tom.

“No,”  I said.

“You’re going to have to find some.  This book gives him consistent 10 star ratings.  There are some pretty cool song titles man, like ‘I’ll Rip Your Spine Out’.”

Cool!  So “The Book“ (as it came to be known) made the rounds.  T-Rev borrowed it for a couple weeks and explored the Max Webster and Kim Mitchell ratings.  Trevor enjoy the reviews of the writer, one Martin Popoff.  He commented to me, “This guy is pretty bang-on for most of them, but you have to read the Def Leppard and Rik Emmett reviews…hilarious, man.”

Trevor was right!  Ipso Facto by Rik Emmett was rated a 0/10, with a single sentence review:  “Man, don’t get me started.”  The book was hilarious and informative at the same time.  We all found it entertaining as well as useful.

When the book came around to me, I was really curious about this band called Budgie.  New fave band!  Eventually, I returned the book to Tom who passed it on to someone else, probably Uncle Meat.   Certain things always stuck in my head.  According to Popoff, I clearly needed more Thin Lizzy, so I began rectifying that with a box set.  He didn’t think much of Kiss, but I could understand this given his criteria, even if I disagreed.

I wished I owned a copy, and a year later I found one downtown at Encore Records, second hand.  Then a weird coincidence happened.  Just as I was craving another read, and was preparing to go downtown and buy a copy of Riff Kills Man, a regular customer of mine gave me his copy.  I don’t remember too much about this guy, except that he sold more than he bought.  He sold a lot of hard-to-find goth and punk stuff, and he always wore a jean jacket, and he strangely always smelled like fried eggs.  Since I can’t remember his name, I’ll call him Fried Eggs Man.

So Fried Eggs Man had been talking to me about the book, and passed it onto me free of charge.  I thought that was really cool of him.  The book too smells of fried eggs, and was coming apart.  I used Bounce dryer sheets to help out with the smell, and I painstakingly glued the pages back in with Elmer’s white glue.  I had to do some cover repair work as well, but the book is solid as a rock and has served me well for probably a decade and a half by now.

MARTIN POPOFF – Riff Kills Man! (1993 Power Chord Press, Toronto Ontario)

Martin Popoff, a writer for BW&BK magazine, is simply one of the  most knowledgeable metal fans out there. His record collection sounds like it’s to die for.  Riff Kills Man! is his first book, but today, he has an extensive bibliography of books that I consider among the best sources of rock information out there.  In fact, LeBrain himself relies heavily on Popoff’s teachings, and I will admit to consciously emulating him in my earlier reviews.

Riff Kills Man!, later supplanted by his more up to date and complete Collector’s Guides, is an album-by-album review of virtually every major metal record from its inception to 1992, all stuff which belonged to Popoff’s personal collection. He covers subgenres such as punk metal and grunge, and bands so obscure that you may never be able to find their albums. Rated from 1 to 10, with strict rules for rating, Riff Kills Man! gives you a great place to start when looking for something “new” to listen to. If it wasn’t for all the 9 and 10 star reviews in this book, I may never have started listening to Budgie, or Thin Lizzy, or Diamond Head.

His rating system is fairly complex, but for the most part, as objective as possible.  I don’t necessarily agree with all of the author’s opinions. For example, Popoff really dislikes a lot of pop rock and gives both Adrenalize and Hysteria by Def Leppard a big fat 0.  “An offensive kick in the head from the rock n’ roll bored room,” writes Popoff.   You may agree, but for me Hysteria is a classic record.  Regardless, he makes valid points that even the most staunch fan such as myself have to grudgingly agree with.

Popoff also tends to dislike live albums with meandering jams like many old Deep Purple recordings. He generally focuses on studio albums, avoiding most EPs and complitions.  So if you’re looking for complete reviews of, say, the numerous Thin Lizzy EPs, live releases and compilations, look elsewhere.

Martin ends the book with several lists and indexes:  Top desert island albums, top guitar players, vocalists, producers, you name it.  He also has a lot of unique categories all his own, such as best showman, best comeback, most consistent band, etc.  AC/DC are ranked as his #1 band in the category of worst album covers!

That aside, Riff Kills Man! was, for me, an essential and often hilarious piece of reading. Pick it up, and then move forward for some of Popoff’s more complete and more specialized books.  I keep mine in my desk at work at all times!

DISCLAIMER – Although it can be found used, this book is out of print.  I spoke to Martin Popoff once about this book, and he told me he finds it a bit embarrassing today.  I still think it’s awesome.

5/5 stars

Also recommended by Popoff:  His books on Sabbath, Rush, Rainbow, and Priest are definitive.  The best books on the market for those bands.

Part 20: I Believe In A Thing Called Love

I’m going to jump ahead.  My wife does not feature into the story until very close to the end, although she is a critical component to it.  I think it’s only fair that I introduce her early.   Jen has, shall we say…good but “flawed” taste in both music, and hockey teams.  (Take a guess which one.) 

RECORD STORE TALES PART 20:  I Believe In A Thing Called Love

When I met Jen in 2005, I knew I had met someone special.  I knew this was something I didn’t want to screw up.   I didn’t know one day we’d be married, but we might never have met if not for music.

It started with Stompin’ Tom.  I think I had told her that I had a stack of new movies, a huge bag of chips & a case of Red Bull, and was ready for the weekend or something.  She responded, “Sounds like you’re ready for a Sudbury Saturday Night.”  So right then and there, boom!  She was speaking my language.

Yes, Jen loves Stompin’ Tom.  I said she had flawed taste in music?  She still thinks Kurt Cobain is the greatest songwriter since John and Paul.  See what I mean?   Her favourite radio station is the grunge one on satellite radio.  I can only take so much grunge in my daily diet.

We bonded over a mutual love of the Beatles, Foo Fighters, Johnny Cash and the old school of country.  She was brought up on a steady diet of Beach Boys and oldies, where I had heard a lot of movie soundtracks and country music growing up.

There are some things I’ll never turn Jen onto.  I know that Kiss and Rush are a completely lost cause with her.  However, lemme tell you a lil’ secret that Jen doesn’t want people to know about.

One night we were coming home from a party at Lara’s house.  I was driving, and Jen had a couple drinks.  (She used to drink wine back then.)  We were coming back to my place after midnight on the 401.  I had Iron Maiden’s latest, A Matter of Life and Death, on the car stereo.  Jen was leaning back enjoying the drive, and then she sat up.

“Who are these guys?” she asked.

“This is Iron Maiden,” I responded.  The song playing was “For The Greater Good of God”, one of their more epic pieces.

I could tell she was really getting into it.  I kept glancing over at her.

“These guys…are…amazing!” she blurted out.  “This music is…wow!”

She claims to this day it was just the booze, but every once in a while, I play that song, and I catch her singing along.

Our wedding was pretty amazing.  For the ceremony itself, we had a Beatles theme.  The girls came in to an acoustic version of “Something” by George, solo.  We signed the register to “In My Life” by Johnny Cash.  We exited to “Here Comes the Sun”.  It was gorgeous outside.

My sister Kathryn played the cocktail hour at the reception with a jazz trio.  Her set ended with their rendition of John Williams’ “Cantina Band” from the first Star Wars!  Bass clarinet as the lead instrument, with guitar and drums backing…it was the perfect wedding version.

Into the dinner, I snuck in some Zappa (“Peaches En Regelia”) and some Kiss (“And Then She Kissed Me”)  We danced to more Beatles, tons of AC/DC, The Darkness, GN’R, and other good stuff.  I had the best music of any wedding I’ve ever been to.

And all because I have the best wife!

Part 19: The Rules (IRON MAIDEN – The First Ten Years box set gallery!)

RECORD STORE TALES Part 19:  The Rules

After a few years had gone by, there were too many damn rules to follow.  There were so many, we literally had books full of them, with new rules being added regularly.  It was pure insanity, because you had to remember some rule that was made (for example) 26 months ago.  Not to mention if you dug far enough back, you could find rules that contradicted each other.  It was like telling a dog to sit and come at the same time, you can’t do it.

One rule that stood firm was:  “Thou Shalt Not Buy Product From a Sister Store“.

We had a complex structure of locations, but under no circumstances could a staff member buy product from a store that had a different owner.  Their product was for their customers and not for us to pillage.  But, when one of those owners who was a friend, sees the Iron Maiden First Ten Years box set come in, they call you to tell you.  The rules meant nothing at that point.  There were greater goals at hand.

This ultra-rare box was issued in 1990, as 10 discs, all sold separately.  You could also get them on vinyl.  I recall seeing a few of them, on 12″ vinyl, at my local Sam The Record Man (run by the near-legendary Al King) during one of my many teenage record store excursions.

IMG_20140427_101356CDs are my preferred format today.  Collect all ten of the Maiden singles, and you could send away for the box that contains them.  Obviously, a complete set is a rare find.  This set came in complete, as is.  I still have the receipt.  I paid $135.99 on Oct 7, 2003.  (With taxes, $156.39.)

It was worth every penny, but it was also worth the shit I caught for buying it from another owner.  And did I get in shit for it!

At best, I was bending the rules.  At best!  I paid full price (no discount!), the owner himself rang it in, and he was happily on board with making a quick buck.  He even personally delivered it to Kitchener.  He could have simply said, “No”.  He didn’t.  Now, I take responsibility for my actions, but an owner has a lot more say in things than I do.  I didn’t deserve what happened next.

A higher-up stormed into my store, pulled me into the office, slammed the door, and yelled.   And yelled.  And pointed a lot, and yelled some more.

It was a weird feeling.  Here I was getting screamed at so much that the dogs could hear it 4 miles away, but also elated about my Iron Maiden find at the exact same time.  It was like I didn’t know if I should be happy or pissed off!  It’s like any time you see someone trying so hard not to smile.

I pulled it off.  I also owned the fucking Iron Maiden First Ten Years box set!

Their big argument was “It’s a bad example to the employees”.  But really, that wasn’t an issue.  No employees knew about it — not one! — until they made a big show of it by yelling at me in store!   The one that said I was a bad example, was the one who let the cat out of the bag.

I walked out of the office, head hanging, but then when out of sight, grinning ear to ear.  Of course the two people who overheard the whole thing asked about it afterwards.  Dandy Douche asked, “Do you think it was worth it?  Would you do it again?”  I said, “Absolutely.  But next time I’m wearing a beard and a moustache, the whole disguise, and buying it in person!”

Unfortunately I never had the chance to do that.  The Iron Maiden box set was one of the last big big items from my “holy grail list.” that came in.

Each disc contains two singles, plus an unreleased 10 minute interview with Nicko.  One on every disc.  They are called “Listen With Nicko!” parts I through X.  Well worth the money, Nicko is friggin’ hilarious.

FIRST TEN_0002All singles included are complete (except Maiden Japan), plus a “Listen With Nicko!” bonus track.  And again, you had to buy these all separately!   On import!  And according to the terms on the mail-in card, only UK residents could order the boxes to house the discs.  Another thing I found interesting was that you had to mail in all ten slips in order to get the box.  Whoever owned my box previously still has nine of his ten slips!  (I am missing #9, “Can I Play With Madness” / “The Evil That Men Do”.)  This can only make my box set rarer and more desirable to collectors.

DISC 1 – Running Free / Sanctuary

DISC 2 – Women In Uniform / Twilight Zone

DISC 3 – Purgatory / Maiden Japan

DISC 4 – Run to the Hills / The Number of the Beast

DISC 5 – Flight Of Icarus / The Trooper

DISC 6 – 2 Minutes to Midnight / Aces High

DISC 7 – Running Free (Live) / Run to the Hills (Live)

DISC 8 – Wasted Years / Stranger in a Strange Land

DISC 9 – Can I Play With Madness / The Evil That Men Do

DISC 10 – The Clairvoyant (Live) / Infinite Dreams (Live)

Click below to embiggen the brand new photo gallery!

 

And the old Nokia pics below:

REVIEW: VAN HALEN – “Right Now” cassette single

VAN HALEN – “Right Now” (1992 cassette single, Warner)

“Right Now”, the cassette single version, – featuring two non-album versions of the title track.

side one:

  1. Right Now (single mix)
  2. Man on a Mission (album version)

side two:

  1. Right Now (edit)
  2. Man on a Mission (album version)

There are two interesting things about this cassette.  First, I’ve never encountered that “Right Now” remix on any other format.  No CD, no vinyl, nothing that has a longer lifespan than a cassette.  Cassettes are not that durable.  I want to get this thing burned to CD as soon as possible.   Second, the remix is actually quite cool.  It features an organ solo instead of guitar, and you won’t hear this version anywhere else.  Any serious fan of Edward Van Halen would be interested in hearing it.

I find it a little odd that the b-side “Man on a Mission” appears twice.  Shame about that, as I consider it easily one of the worst songs on For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge. 

3/5 stars.  A neat little-known oddity.

REVIEW: Van Halen – 3 (1998 collector’s tin)

Welcome back to the second installment of our Van Halen two-parter review.  Last time we talked about the Can’t Stop Loving You singles.  Today, we’ll be discussing the controversial Van Halen 3, with a special emphasis on this neat but overpriced collector’s tin.

Van Halen – 3 (collectors’ tin 1998)

In this day and age, bands always release different editions of albums, to jack up the price and hopefully also sell multiple versions to the same buyer.  Today we get bonus tracks, entire bonus CDs, or a DVD to get us to pay a higher price.  In 1998, at least with this Van Halen album, we got nothing of the sort.  We got paper, plastic, and tin, but no extra content.  It is bonus content that gets me to pay the higher price, normally.  Throw on exclusive music and the collector in me salivates.

Before we get into all that, let’s talk about Van Halen 3, the album.

Fact: Van Halen shot themselves in the foot when they went through the whole Sammy-quit-now-Dave-is-back-no-he-isn’t thing. I remember watching the MTV Awards in 1996, and thinking that Dave being back in Van Halen was about the best thing that had ever happened.   And then when I found out that Gary Cherone was lead singer?  Hoping for the best, fearing for the worst.

I’d been following Cherone for years, and his touch on Extreme’s III Sides To Every Story was absolutely sublime.  But even though both Extreme and Van Halen had a penchant for flashy solos and the odd ballad, it just didn’t seem like the right match.  Cherone was a spiritual and political lyricist, nothing like the party animal of Hagar nor the ringmaster of Roth.

Van Halen 3 was as complex and mature as you could have hoped, which is fine, but it also sounds decidingly unlike the band Van Halen. And vocally, something is wrong. Listening to this album, Cherone is not singing in his old style. He’s shrieking, pushing his voice to the breaking point, and sounding unfortunately a lot like Sammy Hagar, confusing the fans even more. On top of that, when I played the album I noticed right away that something didn’t sound right with the band itself. Turns out, I was right — Michael Anthony only played on three tracks. The rest was all Eddie on bass and backing vocals.

Van Halen 3 (still don’t really get the name) is a semi-triumph for the band, in certain senses. It is long, mature, diverse, progressive, and paradoxically it is also similar to 1984, soundwise. It has a similar coldness…like a chill was in the room where you can hear Eddie’s amp humming away. “From Afar” is so spare and epic, one can only wonder what would have happened if it was on 1984.  Elsewhere, Eddie’s warm synth has returned on tracks such as “Once”.  The guitars have that warm-amp fuzz to them that you just can’t fake with pro-tools.

Yet it is only a semi-triumph. As much as I want to like this album, I have to admit, these don’t sound like finished songs. Aside from my “highlight” songs (below) a lot of the tunes sound like they’re only half finished. As if Van Halen were songwriting amatures, and this is an overindulgent and underplanned demo tape. Eddie’s guitarwork is great, as always, but much of the time it sounds like he’s just jamming with himself. While this is fantastic to listen to from a technique point of view, you’re not humming the riffs an hour later, like you can every time you listen to Fair Warning or even Unlawful.

My highlights (not including instrumentals):
“Without You”
“One I Want”
“From Afar”
“Once”

Other songs, like “Ballot or the Bullet” just barely hang together.

The album especially stumbles when Eddie takes his first lead vocal on the smoky barroom ballad “How Many Say I”. The song is no good and Eddie can’t sing lead.

The best song, and the most Van Halen-like, wasn’t even on the album. “That’s Why I Love You” appeared on early promos, and should have been the single, but was dropped by Warners in a monumental error of judgement. If it had appeared, and if it was the first single, the fate of this album would definitely have been different. Track it down. You’ll see what I mean.

The tin itself is nice.  It has the Van Halen 3 cannonball guy printed on it, the VH “globe” logo printed on the back.   Incidentally, the CD inside is unique.  The regular retail edition did not have the checker pattern or the “circus” Van Halen logo.  If you’re buying one of these used make sure you’re getting the correct CD with your tin.  Also make sure it’s not scratched.  It is stored in a paper sleeve prone to this.

         

Inside are a pick (a pink one?) with VH logo, a 3 sticker, and numerous pieces of slotted card paper with pictures on them  Some pictures are of the band, and some with just a “3” theme.  The band photos are pretty cool.  It almost looks as if Van Halen were a real band at the time!  Some of these paper cards have lyrics and liner notes too.

The slotted paper cards have instructions that you can assemble them in a number of unique ways.  Never having done this before, I took this review as the opportunity to try it.  Fun??  No, not really.

Rating:

3/5 stars for the album

2/5 stars for the tin

Coda: 

I thought while we’re at it, let’s also take a look at the “Without You” promo CD single.  It contains a 4:57 edit (album version is 6:28 so a significant edit version).  It is mostly notable for its packaging:  A clear red case, giant puffy 3 sticker stuck to it, and a Van Halen logo sticker in the upper right corner.  The CD is designed to look like a 3″ single.  Definitely worth tracking down for collectors who love unique looking discs.

     

REVIEW: New Kids on the Block – Greatest Hits

NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK – Greatest Hits (2008)

With their triumphant return to the stage recently, it is only appropriate that today we revisit the 2008 Greatest Hits package by the ultimate boy band, New Kids on the Block.

This album, simply titled Greatest Hits, is a collection of the best of the best by the original Fab Five.  Aside from the four bonus tracks, which we’ll talk about later, the album is chock full of smash hits waiting to be remembered.  Starting with their trademark song “Step By Step”, it never lets up til the end.  This is a breathtaking collection of songwriting prowess and vocal excellence.  Truly, manager Maurice Starr had a talent for discovering stars.

This album is, in fact, a reissue of a 1999 edition, which only had 14 tracks.  The new version has 18.  It also omits a C + C Music Factory remix, and subs in “My Favourite Girl” instead, sung by Jordan Knight and Danny Wood, which is a better tune.  There are a few other changes as well, but chances are, this album will do fine for you.  If you really badly want to listen to their Christmas song all the time, it’s only on the 1999 edition).  It has been taken off this release.  Instead, you will get the hit single “Games”.  This is presented in the much tougher “Kids Get Hard” remix.

You will already know the massive hits, “The Right Stuff”, “Cover Girl”, “Tonight”, “Hangin’ Tough”, and “Please Don’t Go Girl”.  Most impressive is Jordan Knight’s lead vocal turn on the epic ballad, “I’ll Be Loving You (Forever)”.  Impressive pipes.  Truly one of the great underrated vocalists of the 90’s.  As a bit of a bonus, you’ll also get a song from 1994’s Face The Music LP, which suffered from lacklustre sales.  This track shows the Kids (then known as NKOTB) taking a more modern turn, while sacrificing none of their sweet harmonies.

There are four bonus cuts on this disc.  One is a “Mega Mix” that will work ideally for parties and dances.  There are two songs from solo albums (Jordan’s and Joey’s), and Donnie’s sentimental duet with Seiko, “The Right Combination”.

Best of all, you even get a full size poster!  This is perfect for wall or ceiling.

5/5 stars

Part 18: Klassic Kwotes III

Without further adieu.

1. This one is painful.  We had a wreath on our store door, with the lights and all that.  There was a note taped to the door next to the wreath.  It was instructions for us.  It said:  “Please unplug the reith every night!”  R-E-I-T-H.

2. “Because I’m the Tattoo Man!  I get a discount at Sears, you know.”  Said to us by Snake the Tattoo Man, on why he deserved a discount.

3. “Kurt!  Stop that!”  Yelled by a young mother at her misbehaving son, while selling her ENTIRE Nirvana collection.

4. Q: “What happens when you put a CD in the microwave?”  A: You buy a new microwave.

5. “I was just trying to see how fast I could run…with a shovel…”  Said to me by a kid who walked in the store, stole our snow shovel, and walked out again.  (I got in shit, by the way, for chasing him down and getting the shovel back.)

6. “What you’re hearing right now is a roll.  You’ve heard of rock, right?  You’ve heard of rock and roll, right?  Well, this song is roll.  Can you hear it?  Can you hear that?  This is roll.  Not rock, and not rock and roll.  This is the first roll performed since 1966.”  Said to us by some dude while we were playing the current album by The Verve, Urban Hymns.  I still have no fucking idea what he was on about.  (If you know, please, comment below.)

7. “Do you have ze Queens?”  Said to me by a guy with a thick German accent, asking for Queen.

8. This one’s not a quote, per-se.  But this guy came in once wearing a T-shirt that said, “Does this cock in my mouth make me look gay?”  He was in the store with his mother!

9. “Can I work here for like, four hours, and you just pay me cash when I’m done?”  Said to me by a really really scary looking weirdo dude type guy.

10. “Can you please do me a favour.  I’d like you to call or write to Sony, and let them know that this DVD is not recorded in DTS.  It says it is on the box, but when I put it in the player, the DTS light doesn’t come on.  Can you please inform Sony about this?”  Sure.  Want me to pick up your laundry too?

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REVIEW: Van Halen – “Can’t Stop Loving You” (2 CD with tin)

You lucky, lucky boys and girls!  Another double feature review?  And this time it’s all Van Halen?  Today, you get Part One – Can’t Stop Loving You!

REVIEW:  Van Halen – Can’t Stop Loving You (parts I & II, inc. collector’s tin.)

In the 90’s, CD singles were a big deal especially in Europe.  Probably due to quirks of the British chart rules which limits a single to 4 songs, bands often doubled up by releasing double singles with each part sold separately.  There were also cases of triple singles, or singles with exclusive tracks on the vinyl versions, in order to get you, the consumer, to buy it more than once therefore charting it higher.

Can’t Stop Loving You by Van Halen was released this way, but without all the bonus tracks that really made it worthwhile.  Instead, you could get a collector’s tin to store both discs in.

Part I of the single (w022cd) came in a standard jewel case and the following b-sides.

  • 2. Crossing Over (non-LP track, Japanese bonus track for Balance)
  • 3. Right Now (live)
  • 4. Man on a Mission (live)

The case has no indication of a second disc being available.  The two live songs are from the album Live: Right here, right now.  The bonus track “Crossing Over” is incredible, and well worth hunting down for any Van Hagar fan.  This thumper is apparently based on music that Edward had written years earlier, and was finished off by Sammy’s haunting lyrics about journeying to the great beyond.  Lyrically it hits the spot, and musically, it cascades atmospherically.  It has a lot of bass, runs very slowly, but is unique in the Van Hagar canon, there is nothing else like it.  It fits the darker, mellow vibe of some of Balance‘s more thoughtful moments.

Part II (wo288cdx)  is only worth buying for the tin itself.  There are no exclusive bonus tracks to be had on this disc.  The tin is your standard CD tin, with the Van Halen “globe”-style logo embossed onto the front.  There’s a helpful (upside down) sticker on the front advertizing that you can also buy the other CD and store it in this case.  There is a foam insert inside to help protect your CD.  The back of the tin has a large sticker with notes and pictures, and a tracklist for the other CD as well — this is handy if you do end up storing them together.

Bonus tracks are as follows.  Once again all bonus tracks are simply lifted from the live album.  The A-side is the standard album version of “Can’t Stop Loving You”, which is also the same as the first CD.

  • 2. Best of Both Worlds (live)
  • 3. When It’s Love (live)
  • 4. One Way To Rock (live)

Rating:

For part one, a solid 4/5 stars for the excellent bonus track “Crossing Over”

For part two, a dismal 2/5 stars.  It’s only there to look at really.

 

Tune in again in a couple days, when we finish this review off with one more RARE VAN HALEN collector’s tin…

Part 17: New Music

1993. Fuck yeah.

RECORD STORE TALES Part 17:  New Music

I had always tried to stay ahead of the curve, musically.  Not so much anymore, but back then?  Definitely.  When I was a younger, more handsome fellow (see above, next to Jean-Luc Picard), I used to buy every magazine that was on the shelf, all the time.  I knew every band coming out,  before they came out.  The record store was an extension of this, bands were coming in all the time that you’d try out.  Big Wreck for example.  I had heard the buzz building about this band for months and then when I saw a CD come in, I tried it and liked it.

Sometimes a CD would just look interesting.   If an album cover struck you, you’d play it on your shift.  If it sucked, you’d take it off.  If you liked it, score!  New fave band.

There was this pseudo “super group” called Neurotic Outsiders in 1996.  T-Rev raved about their debut album, Neurotic Outsiders, so I snagged it.  They consisted of Matt Sorum and Duff McKagan (Guns N’ Roses), Steve Jones (Sex Pistols), and John Taylor (Duran Duran).  It was decidedly punk rock, which was fine by me, and I was finding myself really getting into punk at the time. It was great!  Made my top 10 that year.

Another one was the Sultans of Ping F.C.  That’s a mouthful.  (F.C. was for Football Club).  Their album, Casual Sex in the Cineplex, was discovered by Trevor and quickly spread among us like fungus. It was Irish punk rock with hilarious lyrics!

My brother knows Karl Marx
He met him eating mushrooms in the public park
He said What do you think of my manifesto?
I like your manifesto, put it to the testo   – (“Where’s Me Jumper?”)

That album spread like fungus among us.  One problem:  there was just one copy in the entire chain of stores.  And all of us wanted it.  So, the CD went on hold into a “store play” pile.  Anybody could listen to it on their shift, but it stayed in the store.  That arrangement lasted about a year.

The boss wouldn’t let us just “keep it on hold” for ourselves and not buy it, rightfully so.  It was a product.  Trev put it on the shelves.  He was quite confident that nobody would ever buy it.   We could listen to it in store to our heart’s desires, and it was still “for sale”.

I think that may have been the status quo for like another year, maybe two.  Then they hired this new guy Matty G.  Matty G was not aware of the “nobody may buy the Sultans of Ping” rule.   Matty G bought the Sultans of Ping on his first shift, after hearing Trev playing it in store.

Matt was kind enough to tape it for me, and later on a guy in England burned me a copy.  Yet,   that was to this day the only copy I have ever seen.  If anybody reading this owns a copy:  Name your price.

Part 16: Travelling Man

For the record, I’m not much the traveller.  If I were any shorter and hairier, I’d be a hobbit.  Happy kicking my feet up, at home.

So when I got the phone call one Thursday afternoon that I was needed in Oakville later that same afternoon, my heart just sank.  I’d already pulled shifts at numerous stores.  Because I was the most experienced person in the whole organization, I was the trainer.  I also covered asses when people didn’t show up and got sick.  I’d worked in at least 11 different stores by the end of it all.  But this Oakville stint was different, in that in was both sudden and indefinite.

There was some sort of staffing issue where they lost the main guy and needed someone in right away.  I didn’t want to do it and said so, but I did it anyway.   Thus began what was easily the worst month or two of my entire life.

Commuting on highway 8 to the 401.  401 to the 6 South.  6 South to the 403.  403 to the QE.  Do it twice a day nearly every day, many of those days being a full 12 hours long.  Leave for work at 8 am to get through the traffic, which was always uncertain.  Traffic jams were the only guaranteed thing, and a daily occurance on the 403 on QEW.  Close up shop at 9:30 usually, do the drive home, usually around 10:30 if there’s no traffic on the way back.  Your social life is on hold, your leisure time nearly nonexistent.  My boss noticed I was miserable and took me aside.

He said he noticed I hadn’t “been doing well with the whole Oakville thing.”  Now, the whole time I was responsible for Oakville, I was also responsible for my home store.  This meant keeping the books for both, doing inventory at both (a year-end inventory for both!), and doing the monthly sales books too.  Considering I was literally going insane, I was pissed off that he actually said anything to me about it.

“No, you’re right,” I answered.  “I hate doing that drive every day.  You know I hate driving, everybody knows I hate driving.  I’m not seeing my family, I don’t have time to do anything, all my time is plugged into the store.  And on top of that I still have the other store.  And you’ve got me working full days with no relief on some of these days.”

He pondered that a moment, and then asked, “Does your car have a tape deck?”

“Yeah, sure.”

He then retorted, “Why don’t you bring some of your old tapes with you, and listen to music in the car.  That’ll be a lot of fun for you.”

I’d been doing this and in fact doing it with a theme.  I’d been playing my oldest, most seldom played cassettes from back in the 80’s.  Stuff I hadn’t heard in years, like Winger.  One thing I learned from this commute is; when you’re stuck in traffic on the 403, in a torrential downpour, listening to Winger, it still sucks pretty much as bad as it would if you weren’t listening to Winger.

He didn’t get that, so he reminded me of all that nice mileage money I was making.  I hadn’t been paid any of it yet, but I was looking forward to one day maybe being lucky enough to have a cheque show up.  I was gassing up every day on my Visa card and I didn’t have enough money to cover it.

So off I went to Oakville again, listening to Helix this time, because Helix reminded me of Kitchener.  The next day it was something else, and the next day something else, but the days just blurred together.  Did I mention I was working weekends?

By the time December hit I was running on energy drinks and pepperoni for a diet.  By first snow, my dad was starting to get worried.  He knew my car (a 1998 Dodge Neon) had a history of malfunctions and the tires were getting old.  But there was no time to have a service done, since I was always on the road.

There were still other aggravating factors.  The stay in Oakville was indefinite.  Nobody had any idea when their continued staffing issues would end. I didn’t even know if I’d be working there on Christmas Eve, doing the commute home.  Everything was up in the air so in a sense there really was no light at the end of the tunnel.

The very worst thing about Oakville was this one small minority of customers that had a habit of ruining your day.  Sme of them seemed quite well off.  They drove fancy SUV’s and Hummers, and parked them in the fire lane, too.

Many SUV curb parkers were really nice, chatty, funny.  Others were indifferent.  Another kind completely was the Busy, Very Important Business Man.   Their shoes were very shiny.  Their coats looked expensive and warm.  Their gloves looked like they were made of soft leather.  They were on their lunch.

Now, I need to back up a moment here so you understand the scenario about to unfold.  In Ontario, a used CD store operates like a pawn shop.  There are procedures and laws to be followed.  Anyone selling used goods must be 18 years old or older.  They must present, and I must record, the proper identification.  There were several items on the “good ID” list and many more on the “bad”.

Good

  1. Driver’s license.
  2. BYID (identification to buy liquor)
  3. Up to date passport, as in, you’re not 5 in the picture.

Bad

  1. Health card.  Yeah I know the government puts it out, laws are laws and we were told by the cops, don’t take these.
  2. Library card.  I know that seems obvious.
  3. School ID cards.
  4. Business cards.
  5. A note from your mom.  I didn’t make that one up, some kid tried that and the stupid person working that night actually took it as ID.

When a rich Oakvillian came into the store with a box of CDs to sell, it was always the worst day of the week.  Sometimes I’d bring a sandwich instead of pepperoni, and they’d always come in while I was eating.  Guaranteed.

This one guy, on this one particular day, was ornery.  I mean he was just not having a good day and you could tell.  He was still on his cell when he walked in.  He comes up to the counter, ear still to phone.  He drops the box on the counter.  He’s not even making eye contact with me.  He’s nodding his head and talking.  I stand there looking at him.  He hasn’t even made eye contact with me let alone speak to me.

Finally, the guy motioned to me to start looking through his CDs.  This was not a good start because I wasn’t able to briefly explain our buying policy with him, e.g. what to expect.  I had no idea what his assumptions were, but by experience I concluded he’d think his discs were worth a lot more than I was going to be able to give him.  They were good, classical, jazz and blues.  This stuff sold well in Oakville, and over the internet, but just because it’s jazz and classical doesn’t make it expensive.  A lot of factors played in.  Record labels, remastered, non remastered, retail price, supply and demand.  This guy, you’d think, would understand these business principles.  Turns out he didn’t understand this.  It also turns out he doesn’t like to bargain with the serving class.  Nor does he like to be asked for ID by the serving class, but more on that later.

One drawback to classical and jazz was that they were sometimes more complicated to look up and price.  I mean, Rachmaninov is a lot to type in on the best of days, let along ones where you feel asleep and caffeine buzzed all at once.  I had to take my time.  I wasn’t doing it on purpose.  I had to get it right, so I could say to him confidently that I was doing the very best I could for him.  If he wanted to bargain up ten or twenty bucks, for this many discs, I could have done that, I was able to value the discs higher if I needed to.

He didn’t like the way I priced his discs, and he really didn’t like it when I told him that some, a small number, were scratched.  He got visibly upset about the ones that were scratched a bit too badly for me to take.

“These play fine.  Try them.”

I explained, “There’s more to it than that.  We have extremely high standards to the visual look of a disc.  We have several locations and I have to remain consistent with our other stores, which all are held to a very high standard.  I’m sure the disc plays fine, I really don’t doubt it.  I’ll just never get this disc to look completely new, and that’s what we’re trying to go for.  I’m sorry about that but I really can’t buy that disc.”

“You don’t play a CD by looking at it, do you?  It plays fine, this is absolutely ridiculous.”

He was really pissed off now.

I went through the values I was offering for the discs.  Knowing this was not going to go well, I started with the high ones and worked down to the lower valued ones.  He wasn’t happy right from the start.  Things that I was offering $6 for, which was high, he wanted $10.  I couldn’t do it.  Multiplied across so many discs, I couldn’t bury the cost elsewhere.

I played my $10 bargaining chip and upped my offer.  It just seemed to make him more angry.  I went up $15.  $20.  I started to wonder if his skin would turn green.  I saw it unfold in my head.  It starts at the eyes, they glow green, then his skin, then the muscles burst through the shirt.

“Who do you think you are?” he asked me incredulously.

Who do I think I am?  Who the fuck do you think you are?

“I’m sorry sir, but this truly is the best I can do.”

“This is highway fucking robbery.  I’ll take the money,” said the man in the expensive jacket.

Steeling myself against the barrage I expected, I dropped one final bomb.

“I’ll just need to get some government issued ID from you.”

A pause.  “Who the fuck do you think you are?  I am not giving you my ID.  You legally can’t even ask me for my ID.”

Again, consistency.  If I let this slide and he comes again when someone else is working, they’d get the inevitable “Well, the other guy said I didn’t need ID!”

“I actually have to sir, that’s actually the law.  In Ontario, that’s the law.  The police do come in here to collect our books regularly.”  Which was true.  And I’ve been yelled at and threatened by cops for not following procedure.  It’s less fun than being yelled at by rich guys, truthfully.

He reached into his wallet.  “That’s bullshit.  I’m a lawyer.  I’m not showing you my ID.”  He pulled out a business card.  He was indeed a lawyer.

“Sir, I can’t use this.  I need government issued photo ID, like a driver’s license.  This all goes into my computer, I can’t do the transaction without the proper ID.  If I used that, I couldn’t even complete the screen to do the transaction.  None of the information I need is on here.”

He looked even more exasperated.  He’s not the only customer in the store.  Some glance over, some studiously avoid glancing over.  One’s just completely disinterested.

“What information do you need?!” he bellowed.

Inhaling deep, I answered.  “I can’t do this without your date of birth and address, bare minimum.  I’m sorry sir.  That’s all I can do for you.”

He started stuffing the CDs back into the box.  He stormed to the door.  He turned.

“You’re a real asshole, you know that?”

And that was the last thing he said to me.  I never saw him again.