Fiction

Shinzon: Dread and the Fugitive Mind – A Tee Bone Man Multiverse Story (By Harrison Kopp)

SHINZON: Dread and the Fugitive Mind

A Tee Bone Man Multiverse Story

If there was a bright centre of the universe, then Shinzon was certainly very far from it. In fact, the area he found himself on the edge of was now called the Shadow Sector for good measure.

This particular planet was called Stavros, and it was, to put it charitably, a cesspool. A large prison transport had crashed there many cycles ago and the local law enforcement had never bothered to recover the inmates. The planet itself wasn’t good for anything more than an open-air prison, they said. So to say the local population were a bit rough around the edges would be an understatement.

Shinzon had not planned to make a layover here, but an encounter with a bounty hunter over Stygia on the way to Mars had damaged his hyperdrive and forced him to take refuge on this slimy mudhole. He needed repairs, a ride or a new ship and he wasn’t particularly fussed how he got it.

In his downtime (which he now had a fair amount of), he skulked around the tavern, keeping his eye out for anyone who looked like they wouldn’t consider his presence an insult to their existence.

Not that he had the luxury of striking up a conversation with just anyone. Since he had abandoned his master, Lord Tyranus, and struck out on his own, he had been forced to keep a close eye over his shoulder. Tyranus had put a bounty on his head, and Shinzon wasn’t going to put money on Tyranus wanting him alive.

But what did Shinzon himself want now? It wasn’t a question he had asked himself before. His priorities had always been assigned to him in the past, and now he was free to choose his own targets. It was a bit overwhelming really. So many scores to settle, riches to claim and people to kill.

I just want to be myself. 

Did he think that? It had to be him. Who else could it be? But where had it come from?

Be myself…be myself, the thought echoed.

He’d never really thought hard about who he was before. It was always easy, because it had all been predetermined for him, and he wasn’t even good enough for that apparently. So what was he good at? What did he want to do?

Lost in thought, Shinzon’s attention lapsed, and he failed to notice the entrance of the bounty hunter Los Dianos.  Not that Shinzon would been able to name him anyway, but Dianos was quite legendary in this sector for his preference for never taking his targets in alive. His mechanical leg (a souvenir from a previous bounty) squeaked with every step as he searched the tavern for his quarry.  Shinzon was unaware as he pondered his own existence, one which Dianos was ready to end presently.

Looking past the bar in the centre of the room, the hunter locked his eyes on Shinzon. Recognising his target, the hunter pulled a high-powered pistol from underneath his black coat and aimed it straight between Shinzon’s eyes.

But luck was on the young clone’s side today, as a drunk patron chose at that very moment to fall back off his chair.  The blaster bolt “fated” for Shinzon instead struck an overweight Gliesian.  The rotund, amphibious alien didn’t feel a thing, but the sound of the blaster summoned Shinzon from his stupor.  He dove directly to his left, behind a bar counter, which took the brunt of a volley of laser blasts, shattering it to splinters.

Thinking quick, Shinzon’s eyes darted around the room. His focus was crystal clear now. He pulled a concealed blade from his boot and hurled it straight at his attacker’s face. It unfortunately struck him with the handle end, but this did stun Dianos enough for Shinzon to make his next move.  His eyes darted to a nearby table. He grabbed a tankard of something foul smelling and hurled it onto Dianos’s cybernetic leg. The effect was immediate. The limb spasmed, sparking and smoking as it stuck out, locked at a very unnatural angle.

Shinzon bolted as Dianos fell to the floor, an angry shot flying well wide, and striking the wall by a particularly beefy Alpha Centauri male. Meanwhile, the creature who had had his drink liberated from him was too drunk to know who had taken his glass, but that wasn’t going to stop him from beating the snot out of the nearest unlucky patron.  By the time the barfight was over, and Dianos had repaired and rebooted his limb, Shinzon was already in the upper atmosphere in his starship. But Dianos could tell from the trail of smoke that he wouldn’t make it far.

He tuned his radio frequency to that of his partner.

“He won’t be able to leave this star system.  He’ll be coming your way. There’s nowhere else for him to go.”

Dianos was right. Shinzon found himself once again descending into the atmosphere of a moon he’d rather not be on. This time it was Frolix 9, the ninth moon of the gas giant Frolix in this system. On Stavros he’d heard stories of this place, and its heyday as a major trading port. But that was a long time ago and the trade routes had since moved, leaving Frolix 9 in poverty and decay.

Breaking through the smog of the lower atmosphere, Shinzon’s worst fears were confirmed. A wide vista of smoke and dilapidated buildings extended as far as the eye could see. There were a few billboards or other electronic lights still operating, but on a whole it looked like it had been an eternity since someone had last put effort into the upkeep of this place.

At least I won’t stand out, Shinzon thought to himself as he brought his Quadjumper down in for rough landing on a free pad. The ship had left more than a few skid marks by the time it came to a stop.

At least he hadn’t damaged the ship any further. The hyperdrive was still shot, but he was pretty sure he’d have a better chance of getting it fixed here. As he powered down the ship post-landing, he made sure to remove the ignition coil and stashed it in a hidden compartment under the seat. Can’t be too careful around here, he thought to himself. It wouldn’t stop a hoard of Tarkalean rats, but a least any would-be thieves would be unable to start the ship’s engines.

He cast his eyes out the cockpit at the miserable sight before him. While it was a stark contrast to the sterile white halls of Tyranus’ labs, it seemed more real than the city he “grew up” on.

He wasn’t here to lay low – or, at least he didn’t plan to. He needed a sturdy ship that was capable of more than just limping between planets in the same system. He wasn’t sure which black hole someone had pulled the old Quadjumper out of, but it was barely holding itself together. He wasn’t holding his breath that he’d get the chance to steal anything better, but if the opportunity came along, he wasn’t going to let it pass by.

Shinzon cracked the seal of the cockpit and exited, into a cloud of steam, only to find a green alien inspecting it.

“Looks like you’ve seen a bit of action,” it laughed.

“Yes,” Shinzon replied, not interested in retelling the story.  “And I need some repairs done to the hyperdrive’s motivator, if you’re up to the task.”

The mechanic cast some of his many eyes over the peeling paint and dented panelling and did some mental calculations.

“That’ll be 1,750 credits for the replacement parts, plus 1,250 labour,” it stated with firmness.  It placed two of its hands on its hips, awaiting Shinzon’s answer.

“I’ll pay for the parts now and you get the rest once the labour is done,” Shinzon countered.

The mechanic thought for a second, sizing up Shinzon.

“Fine, deal.”  It spat something blue onto the ground and held out a hand for payment.  Shinzon wasted no time dumping a handful of credits into the alien’s hand and stalked off into the city. He wasn’t going to hang around here in the open if he could help it and, besides, he needed to get some more credits.  Lost in thought, for the second time, Shinzon failed to pay attention.  The mechanic made his way to a nearby communication panel to make a call, as Shinzon obliviously walked away.

“Marshall?” whispered the mechanic through an orifice.  “I think the guy you’re looking for just pulled in for repairs.”

With urgent caution, Shinzon strode through the dilapidated area.  The sound of voices drew his attention from the harsh neon lighting all around, and he headed down a flight of stairs into an alien market.  Or was it a red light district?  He didn’t know any of these species and it was hard to tell. Aliens of all kind were mingling, either hawking wares or seeking a bargain. There would be money here for sure. It was still a little brighter than he liked, but at least he could hide fairly well amongst the people.

He strode forward into the area and began hunting for unguarded registers and open pockets. As he walked, voices from the street leaped out at him.

“Dr. Futurity’s the man for you! He can build you a new arm!” hawked one.

“It’s a scanner, darkly painted so as to blend in wherever possible!” bartered another.

“I heard that Gears singer has been gaining some serious support on the lower level,” said someone as Shinzon strode past.

Shinzon continued on. He was not interested in the petty troubles of the people here. He had his own problems. His stomach agreed, voicing its displeasure with the lateness of dinner. And Shinzon had to agree, it had been almost 18 hours since he had last ate.

He looked around for someone selling something that looked like it had been made today, not that he had much choice. After a few minutes of searching, he settled for some bread (he presumed) from a ‘baker’ who had set up shop in one of the buildings on the edge of the market.

He handed the creature the few credits he had left and grabbed one of the less stale pieces of bread. It tasted pretty bad, but it would fuel him all the same.  He sat, for the first time since Stavros.  Taking a moment to eat and reflect, he started mentally prioritising his revenge list.  Every moment he had to spend in this place made his desire for revenge that much more intense.  They will pay for all these indignities and more.

Suddenly, Shinzon became acutely aware of the silence around. Everyone had frozen, a street vendor not even daring to turn the gas down on his now overcooked Scazz steaks.

At the end of the street stood a presence. Burning red eyes, wide brim hat, dark brown coat, he was hard to miss, and judging by the reaction of the people in the street, none had. Including Shinzon, who quickly ducked inside the bakery and held his breath.

The imposing cybernetic visage at the end of the street was Marshall Lokjaw, one of the deadliest bounty hunters in the business.  He wasn’t from around here, which meant payment must be substantial this time.  The Marshall came from a distant galaxy, and no one knew who or what had summoned his foul presence upon the Milky Way.  He had evidently taken a liking to the quarry here, or rather, the payment associated with said quarry. Destruction was his justice, like this world had never seen.

Marshall Lokjaw slowly moved forward, the clunk of each footstep echoing around the street. No one spoke as he slowly advanced through the alley, his roving eye seeing every movement. Shinzon held his nerve, but with Lokjaw determinedly approaching, he needed an exit. And he did find one. He just couldn’t see what was on the other side of it. But he couldn’t waste any more time, so he grabbed a nearby and terribly stale loaf, and hurled it through the cracked glass. This was very quickly followed by Shinzon hurling himself through the window, and into a dumpster below.

Lokjaw’s head immediately snapped to the source of the noise, and he fired his laser beam once, then twice for sure. No sooner had the second blast left the barrel was he upon the smoking bakery, inspecting the damage.

Destruction of premises: 700 credits in repairs. Not his problem. One shopkeeper: dead. His problems: over now. Primary target: unaccounted for. This was a problem.

Reassessing the premises, Lokjaw spied the window, and launched himself there in a flash.  His photoreceptors identified wet footprints on the ground below, and he dropped down to the surface with a heavy thud.

Not far away, Shinzon sprinted across the rain-soaked permacrete, not daring to slow down or look back. After what seemed like hours, but was likely only minutes, he found a suitable place to catch his breath: a packed casino.

He ran straight into the building and found a shadowing corner to hide in. But if the gasp of the Ferengi a few seats away from him was anything to go by, Shinzon wouldn’t have long to rest.

He took a peek around a corner and, sure enough, there, in the metal, stood Marshall Lokjaw himself. The robot spoke for the first time, addressing the crowd in front of him in a harsh metallic voice.

“The one who turns him in gets to live.”

Most of the crowd didn’t know who Lokjaw was referring to, and some of them even knew he couldn’t shoot them all, but none of them wanted to be around when he started blasting, and they all immediately scattered in a myriad of directions.

Shinzon was among them, running through the kitchen and out the back door. He followed the path down an alleyway and into a far more industrial area than he had been in before. The harsh neon light was gone, replaced by the smell of oil, grease and hyperfuel.

Shinzon wasn’t fussed about the aesthetics, but he needed a way to fight back (or at the very least lose his pursuer for a bit).

He wasn’t sure the abandoned factory in front of him was either of those things, but it beat running out in the open, so he smashed open the boarded-up door with his shoulder and cautiously ventured inside.

The machinery was in better condition than he expected.  Just a little dusty. He immediately ran deep into the facility and hid behind a lathe, looking around for anything that could do some damage. The clunk of metal footsteps outside told him he was running out of time.

And pretty much right on cue, Lokjaw strode in and examined his surroundings. Formulating a plan, he pulled out his laser gun, ensuring it was fully charged. Lokjaw then slowly and deliberately shot every coolant tank on the level. Within a minute a thick steam had completely enveloped the lower levels. Which was exactly where Shinzon was…and he didn’t possess the advanced photoreceptors of an android.

Which left him in a spot of bother.

The clunk of Lokjaw’s steps echoed all around the room. Closer, farther he was always around. And just when Shinzon thought he had an opening to break for the door, two laser bolts streaked out of the steam and slammed into the machine next to him. They exploded in a shower of sparks and Shinzon was forced to creep up a flight of stairs to avoid his pursuer.

Lokjaw continued to prowl, making his way up the same flight of stairs. The steam was not as thick here, but that was a small consolation. What was of considerably more usefulness though was the welding torch Shinzon had swiped from a bench. With a few tweaks to the internal components, he had a laser gun of his own on his hands.

The game of cat and mouse quickly became more akin to a wild west shootout. But for every shot Shinzon sent Lokjaw’s way, he got two in return, which was not a very sustainable way to operate a firefight. Shinzon needed to finish this battle quick, preferably with him still alive.

“There’s something,” he muttered to himself, sighting an option available.

He carefully manoeuvred himself, backing up until he reached a cargo crane. Using the cockpit as cover, he engaged a series of inputs on the control panel. Lokjaw advanced relentlessly as Shinzon took shelter behind whichever parts of the crane’s cockpit hadn’t been blasted away yet.

But Lokjaw had been too busy focusing on the moving organic, that he had ignored the machinery. When the crane arm was on a direct collision course for him, his programming didn’t account for it until it was too late. Which was to say he didn’t notice until he was flying sideways over the railing.

Lokjaw disappeared below the layer of steam and hit the ground with a thunk. Shinzon didn’t feel like sticking around to confirm if his pursuer was still operative, so he swung the crane around in the other direction, straight through a crumbling wall.

Wasting no time, he clambered into it the hole he just made, and crossed the bridge he had revealed to a walkway on the side of another building. Not daring to look down, he crossed the gap like a monkey and ran for his life.

Turning, rolling, diving, Shinzon raced back through the neon-drenched alleyways to the landing pad his ship was on.

The Quadjumper! he thought to himself in relief. His relationship with the ship had always been love/hate, but right now it was a sight for sore eyes.

Breathless, he addressed the mechanic.

“My ship – is it fixed?”

“Yes,” the treacherous mechanic replied. “Now payment is due.”

Shinzon pulled out the modified welding torch.

“I don’t think so.”

“Ha! You think I haven’t had people try to swindle me before? Your ship’s going nowhere without the fuel I drained from its tank!”

“Like hell it ain’t,” Shinzon sneered back. “This is a Quadjumper, it’s got two fuel tanks.”

This was very much a revelation to the mechanic, who sputtered in confusion.

“Well then I’ll take your ship as payment”, he said, pulling out his wrench and lunging at Shinzon. But before he could make good on his threat, Shinzon quickly swiftly hit him with a backhand across the face and flipped the stunned alien around, putting him between Shinzon and the entrance to the landing pad.

The mechanic’s eyes (all of them) went wide with fear as he saw Marshall Lokjaw bearing down on them, laser in hand. Two shots later and he was dead.  Shinzon threw his limp body aside. Lokjaw continued to fire, just missing the ducking Shinzon by mere inches.

Shinzon returned fire, and scored a hit on the bounty hunter, square in his chest. Lokjaw staggered, falling briefly to one knee, but continued on his course.  Shinzon took this opportunity to bolt for the ship’s ramp.

Reaching the cockpit, he very hastily reinstalled the ignition coil and fired the engines. Laser blasts battered the hull, but he made it.  “Launch!” he cried as the engines engaged.

Shinzon’s ship streaked into the upper atmosphere, as Lokjaw watched it go with futility gleaming in his eye.  Once it had left his view, he silently turned and stalked back into the concrete jungle.

Eventually the Quadjumper left the planet’s atmosphere and Shinzon collapsed back in his seat, exhausted. He would not be able to survive all these hunters much longer, and the bounty on his head was only going to get bigger.

Then he had an idea. At the navicompter, he keyed in the coordinates to Earth. It was well out of the way, and he could rely on the heroes there to take out any alien threats to him. Such a delicious irony, that one.

Plus, he smiled, he had some unfinished business with a certain Fanboy Mike there.

Earth.

Said Fanboy Mike was in the middle of putting the LOOFAH into long-term storage. It was regrettable, but with fuel prices these days he couldn’t afford to roll out the massive metal beast every time someone robbed a grocery store. And besides, he’d always have Edie Van Heelin’ to protect him anyway. With the last bit of coolant drained from it, Mike closed the doors to the large garage and put in the locking passcode.

Then he turned and ran back to the house. He had a hockey game against Edie to get to, and he certainly didn’t want to be late.

Space.

Meanwhile, across the universe, Tyranus sat in his personal shuttle, fuming. Since Lokjaw had let Shinzon escape there had been no concrete leads on his locations. A possible sighting near the Magellanic Clouds was the best he had, and that was a week ago. Tyranus was absolutely incensed. Jango Fett would have brought me his head by now Tyranus thought to himself.

But despite the great danger Shinzon’s limited knowledge posed to his plans, Tyranus could no longer delay the next phase. He keyed in the communication details of his agent on the Earth. An orangey-skinned man with blonde hair answered.

“How are you?  I appreciate you taking time out of your day to talk to me. That is the nicest thing.”

Tyranus did not have time for pleasantries and got straight to business. Time to see if the Martians did a better job with their creation than the Kaminoans.

“Initiate subtext 66”, he spoke clearly and deliberately.

The man’s eyes changed in an instant as a preprogrammed personality took over.

“My lord, what is thy command?”

Tyranus spoke again.

“The Northern Lights. Destroy them all.”

The man replied.

“It will be done.”

Tyranus smiled and turned off the communicator. At least something was going his way. Now to go about locating the renegade clone Shinzon. Maybe he should increase the bounty further. It was a risk though. If it got too big, the hunters would be fighting each other for it rather than doing their job. Given the circumstances though, it would be an acceptable risk.

But the Sith Lord would eventually find out that this was in vain, for Shinzon was far beyond his reaches now. The Quadjumper touched down on the edge of Kīlauea, a volcano in what is known on Earth as Hawaii. Shinzon soon exited and looked around.

Yes. He thought to himself. This will make a fine place to build a lair to hide out in and operate from. 

And so the many pieces across this giant chessboard known as the Milky Way moved their movements. Things were in motion now, unstoppably so, and some people were about to become something that they would not walk away the same from:

Victims of Changes!

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

Who’s the Mole in Rock and Roll Heaven? – A Tee Bone Man Multiverse Story (By 80sMetalMan)

Who’s the Mole in Rock and Roll Heaven?

A Tee Bone Man Multiverse Story

By 80sMetalMan

1955

The band’s final song of the night ended to lacklustre applause. “Thank you very much, good night and remember your bartenders,” the singer said trying to sound grateful. He looked out at the half empty bar. Half the patrons who were there seemed more engrossed in their private conversation to pay notice to the band on stage. The other half were just plain drunk. The singer shook his head in despair and joined his band members in clearing the equipment from the stage.

“I can’t go on like this, I have a good job, so I don’t need to play in dive bars like this one in the hopes I will make the big time one day,” the steel guitarist lamented.

“Are you quittin’ the group?” the singer asked matter of factly.

“I’m not sure yet,” the steel guitarist answered honestly. I know how much more I can go on like this, playing in half empty bars to a few drunks who don’t give a damn about us.”

“He’s right though,” the drummer suddenly chimed in. “We’ve been playing in shit holes like this and ain’t getting’ nowhere.”

The singer sighed and grabbed one of the beers which was still left. Taking the can opener, he poked holes in opposite sides of the top of the can and took a long gulp. Once he digested the amber liquid, a sudden thought came to him. “Let’s not make any decisions tonight. Let’s all go home and have a good night’s sleep and think about it.”

Everyone in the band seemed to accepted their singer’s suggestion. They gathered up their equipment and packed it all away, most of it in the singer’s pickup truck before all headed home.

He wasn’t surprised that no lights were on as the singer arrived home to his trailer. After all, it was two-thirty in the morning and his wife would already be asleep.  Trying to be as quiet as possible, he opened the door and crept in. Plopping himself down on the small couch, he opened another beer and started drinking. After one long guzzle, he sat staring at the wall, reflecting upon the disillusionment of his band. What frustrated the singer was that he knew that they had the potential to make it big, they just needed a break.

After finishing the beer, the singer wasn’t sure if he was drifting off to sleep while sitting on the couch. Furthermore, he couldn’t decide if he was drunk or just tired but he was definitely sure that he was looking at a human figure with what looked like horns on his head. The figured beckoned him to come forward, which he obeyed.

“God, I gotta stop drinkin’ so much,” he thought to himself as he moved towards the figure. When he got a few feet away, the figure held out his hand and commanded, “Stop!” His voice reverberated through the singer’s head.

“Who are you?” the singer asked.

The figure laughed a deafening laugh which again rebounded back and forth inside the singer’s skull. “I am known by many names, but you know me best as Satan, or the Devil.”

“This must be a dream,” thought the singer, but not totally sure if he was thinking it or actually saying it.  His ponderings were interrupted by Satan’s booming voice. “You want to be a music star? Well I can make that happen.”

“What? Do I have to give you my soul or somethin’?” the singer sneered sarcastically.

“That’s exactly what you must do!” Satan’s booming voice nearly knocking the singer off balance.

“Look,” the singer explained once he regained his balance. “I might be a hard drinkin’ man but I’m a God fearin’ one too.”

“Oh, I’m not requiring you to stop fearing God,” Satan responded in a softer voice. “I’m just asking you for your soul and in return, I’ll make you a star.”

“Really?” the singer returned with a hint of sarcasm. “I’ll tell you what, I’ll sign your contract and see if you make me a star.”

The Devil reached into what seemed like a coat pocket and pulled out some papers. “You will sign, then?”

“Why not, I have nothing to lose except for my soul,” the singer snickered. He went over to a table which seemed to suddenly appear from out of nowhere and after a brief read, taking not of the clause that he would achieve stardom, signed his name.

“Good, good!” Satan bellowed with glee. “Tomorrow, after you’ve sobered up of course, go to Sun Records in Memphis. You will see that I will keep my end of the bargain.”

“I must be crazy,” the singer thought to himself as he drove his pick up truck into Memphis. Fortunately, the recording studio wasn’t hard to find and he found a place to park fairly quickly. As he walked up to the studio’s front door, he question the sanity of what he was doing. However, he concluded, “What do I have to lose?”

Carefully holding the reel of tape with his band’s recording and guitar slung over his back, the singer walked through the front doors of Sun Records. When he got in, a red haired lady wearing too much makeup briefly acknowledged him. Not sure of what to say, he stammered, “I have this tape of my band, I was hoping one of your executive types could give it a listen.”

In a practised tone, the receptionist automatically responded, “We can’t touch any unsolicited material.  Do you have an agent?”

The singer shook his head. He stood there for a moment not knowing whether to insist or leave. Just then, three men came through the door behind the receptionist. He vaguely recognised two of the men but there was no doubt as to the identity of the third. Elvis Presley was known, not only to him, but now becoming a big name around the Memphis area.

“Hey, are you a singer or musician?” Elvis asked the singer out of the blue.

Momentarily taken aback, the singer nervously stammered back, “Yes, I sing and play some guitar.”

“Ah, nice,” Elvis responded and then he suggested, “Why don’t you join us for lunch? Maybe we can play together after.”

The singer couldn’t believe his luck. “Hell yeah!! he let out at an unintended higher volume.

Following a lunch of burgers and fries at a local diner where Elvis, his two band members and the singer talked about their musical influences, many of which they shared, he joined them for a jam session which went on to late in the evening. When he got to sing, Elvis pointed out, “You have a very distinctive voice. I like that deep bass sound you got.”

The kind words lifted the singer’s spirits to a new high but they rose even higher when Elvis invited him to come back the next day. As he drove home that night. He thought to himself, “Maybe selling my soul to the Devil wasn’t such a bad idea.”

2003

He didn’t experience any out of body experiences nor did he see any white lights. Instead, the singer found himself surrounded by near darkness with only a dim light above. When his eyes focused, he saw a familiar looking human shaped figure coming towards him. Instinctively, the singer headed towards the figure, thinking that he should meet it half way.  When they were twenty feet apart, the figure stopped and held out his hand beckoning the singer to do the same. He obeyed. His eyes now fully adjusted, he could now make out the identity of the figure standing before him. Even though, it had been nearly half a century since their meeting, he recognised the Devil straight away.

“You’ve come for my soul, I suppose.”

Satan let out a loud laugh which rebounded through the singer’s head. “I’ve kept my end of the bargain. You can’t say that you haven’t had a great singing career, selling millions of records and even getting a Grammy for Lifetime Achievement Award. You even had your own TV show in the early 1970s and have been in movies. I think you had the stardom you were seeking. By the way, was you dressing all in black some sort of sign that you sold your soul to me?”

“Hell no!” the singer exclaimed. “That was just an image and I thought our meeting was some sort of drunken dream. Besides, you know that I made my religious views quite clear and even sang at Billy Graham Crusades.”

“You did,” the Devil affirmed. “But drunk or not, you did make a bargain with me and now it’s time for you to keep up your end of it. God can’t get you out of this one.”

“You’re takin’ me to hell then?”

A sly grin appeared on the Devil’s face. “Actually no, I have other plans for you. I’m sending you to Rock Heaven instead. You’re going to be my eyes and ears there.”

“Rock Heaven? Is there such a place?” the singer looked totally confused.

“Yes, Rock Heaven,” Satan further explained. “Ever since Buddy Holly, The Big Bopper and Riche Valens died in that plane crash in 1959, Rock Heaven has been the place where all rock stars go after they’ve passed from the mortal realm. God, using the archangel Michael as his representative, and I agreed to create the place where rock stars can spend eternity making music. However, I can’t go there unless I’m invited which is why I’m sending you there. Besides, I know your buddy Elvis is waiting for you.”

The singer nodded, “Fine with me.” He had barely finished speaking when he noticed that Satan had disappeared and a large door now stood before him. Instinctively, he opened the door and stepped into a large well lit room. He knew the person coming to greet him right away.

“Hello, my friend, welcome to Rock Heaven” Elvis greeted the new arrival. The two briefly hugged and when they separated, the room was suddenly full of other rock stars who had passed onto this realm, eager to greet their newest friend. Jim Croce was the first to shake the singer’s hand. “I’ve always wanted to sing a duet with you,” Jim smiled, “And now we have an eternity.”

Not Long Ago

All the denizens of Rock Heaven headed to the big meeting room, attendance was mandatory. Elvis and Buddy Holly, at the insistence of Ronnie James Dio and Lemmy ,called for this emergency meeting. No one was quite sure the purpose of the meeting but the singer, like everyone else, went in and found a seat.

Once the congregation was settled and quiet, Elvis addressed the audience. “We have a serious problem down on Earth.”

“You’re damn fucking right we do!” Lemmy interrupted.

“Calm down Lemmy,” Elvis soothed. Turning back to the audience, Elvis continued, “Someone on Earth has invented a time machine and has gone back in time with the intention of wiping heavy metal from existence.”

A chorus of  boos arose from the heavy metal contingent.

“All the members of Black Sabbath, Led Zeppelin, Rush, Aerosmith, KISS and even Alice Cooper have all been assassinated. Their souls are in Limbo at the moment but I don’t know how long for. We’ve got to act to save heavy metal.”

All of a sudden, the singer sprang to his feet. When acknowledged, he suggested, “I think we need help from Heaven and Hell. Maybe Satan and God can help us.”

Phil Lynott also quickly rose up, “He’s right. We need to have outside help on this.”

“I second that,” Eric Carr added. “I don’t want to see my old bandmates in Limbo.”

“Agreed,” Elvis stated.

Just as soon as Elvis stopped talking a voice rang out. “Is somebody asking for help?”

While the rest of the congregation was slightly startled at the two new arrivals, the singer knew one of them straight away. It was the keeper of his soul.

“Allow me to introduce myself,” the speaker began. “You all know me as Satan, yes, me in the flesh.” Then turning to the personage next to him, he said, “I see God has sent you, Andrew.”

“Yes, they did,” Jesus’s apostle confirmed. “We need to get this mess straightened out.”

The two guests made their way to the center of the stage, Elvis taking a step back for them. Giving Elvis a thankful look, Satan addressed the audience. “I know of three people who can help us. Two are super heroes known as Tee Bone Man and Superdekes who reside in Canada. I’ve encountered those two personally.” A bad taste briefly swirled in the Devil’s mouth. “The other is a rock historian known as the Metalman. He can be found in England.

Andrew suddenly took over. “We in heaven have always feared something like this might happen and we are prepared. I’ve brought some divine items and have shaped them into forms you would be most comfortable with.” From seemingly out of nowhere, Andrew pulled out an electric guitar, a pick and a book. He further explained, “It’s best these items aren’t taken to Earth together, at least not the guitar and pick. One group should take one to the superheroes, and the other to this Metalman.”

The apostle handed the artefacts to Elvis who accepted without question, thanking both him and Satan. With that, the two beings promptly disappeared but the singer was certain that the Devil had given him a sly wink before he departed.

“Right, let’s get down to business, “Elvis demanded. After some short deliberations, it was decided that Ronnie James Dio, Lemmy, Jeff Hanneman and John Bonham would take the pick to Tee Bone Mane and Superdekes while Ronnie Van Zant, Randy Rhoads, Cliff Burton and AJ Pero would take the guitar and instruction book to the Metalman. Those chosen immediately left for their missions without further procrastination.

The singer, along with all the patrons of Rock Heaven rejoiced when each of the murdered bands was saved and history put right again. No one was surprised when Jimi Hendrix, Bon Scott and Malcolm Young were dispatched to provide further assistance in saving Led Zeppelin. When Satan and Elvis returned with the ring leader, known as Suplee and his minions, they did so to thunderous applause.

“These good guys and gals will be our guests for all eternity,” Elvis chortled as he led the captives through Rock Heaven. “The can spend their time listening to the very music they tried so hard to destroy.” His words were met by more raucous applause and shouts of triumph. “We thank Satan and St. Andrew for their help in restoring rock history but the real heroes are Tee Bone Man and Superdekes. I’ve sent a request to God, and Satan here agrees that when their souls do claim, that they both join us here in Rock Heaven.”

Satan used the crowd going nuts over their victory to slip through the crowd. As he did so, he stopped in fromt of the singer and whispered, “Thank you for getting me involved. Your efforts are duly noted and when I take over Rock Heaven, you will be my right hand. After all, these rock stars should have been in hell with me to begin with.”

A smile appeared on the singer’s face as he watched his master vanish. In his mind, he though to himself, “There’s going to be some fireworks around here very soon.”

Read the Adventures of Tee Bone Man Chapter Eight:  Tee Bone & Deke’s Time Travelling Adventure for the crossover story!

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

  • Noirison:  Chapter One (by Holen)
  • The Mole in Rock and Roll Heaven (by 80sMetalMan) 
  • Shinzon:  Dread and the Fugitive Mind (By Harrison Kopp) TBA
  • Noirison:  Chapter Two (by Holen) TBA

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

The Adventures of Tee Bone Man: Tee Bone and Superdekes Vs. The Lego

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN
PHASE TWO: THE MULTIVERSE SAGA


Chapter Nineteen: Tee Bone and Superdekes Vs. The Lego

“Woah!  Look what I found!” exclaimed Deke from beneath a pile of boxes.

It was cleaning day at Deke’s Palace.  Time to make everything spic and span, for winter was coming and it was well overdue.

“Is that what I think it is?” asked Tee Bone.  “Has it been sitting here all this time?”

Deke blew the dust off the box.  “We’ve been so busy, we just haven’t had time,” said Deke.  “Hey…I have an idea.  Let’s put cleaning duty on pause.  Let’s build this instead.”  Deke tossed the box over to Tee Bone, who caught it in one hand.

Tee Bone gazed with admiration at the box.  “A custom Lego version of Deke’s Motorcycle, a Christmas gift from the Braniac.  Sure.  Why not.  I haven’t built Lego since I was a kid!  Might be fun, right?”

Deke slowly got up from his crouching position on the floor.  “Absolutely should be a lot of fun!  Let’s get the Scotch and get building!”

The two were now seated across from each other at a large work table.  In his hands, Deke held the Lego box, while Tee Bone looked on.

“Ready?” asked Deke.  Tee nodded yes, and Deke ripped into the box with glee!  He dumped the contents out on the table.  Before them were a dozen clear plastic baggies, all numbered.

“Did Lego always come like this?” asked Deke.  “When I was a kid, I remember boxes with compartments in them.”

“Me too…” answered Tee Bone.  “But this looks easier.  Do we just start with bag one?”

Deke leafed through the instructions.  “Yeah…looks like it.  Ready to open it?”

“Go for it,” nodded Tee.

With a mighty rip, Deke dumped the contents of the baggie onto the table…and onto the floor.

“Oh, shit,” he moaned.

At that, both men got up out of their seats and began crawling on the ground, picking up little coloured bricks of plastic.

“Wow…this one’s pretty cool,” remarked Tee Bone upon spying a neat little brick with studs on all sides.  “We sure didn’t have this one as kids!” he said.

Deke removed his glasses to have a closer look.  “Wow…that’s cool for sure.  So now you can build sideways as well?”

“I guess!” said Tee as he resumed searching.  “In fact I don’t recognize any of these pieces.  Remember when Lego used to be square bricks?”

“That’s how it always used to be!” answered Deke.  “Square bricks, flat pieces, and some wheels.  That’s all I had?”

“Think this new Lego is too challenging for old guys like us?” asked Tee, somewhat serious.

Deke laughed.  “Nahhh!  We’re grown men who save the world on a regular basis!  We’re not going to be taken down by a Lego set for kids!”

“We won’t make it far if we don’t find all these damn parts!” chided Tee Bone.

The two men searched and searched, and after about 45 minutes, were finally satisfied that they had found every last brick, plate, tile, slope, pin, and wheel.  Tee Bone slowly got to his feet, but his legs were cramped and his eyes were strained.  Deke was in roughly the same condition.  He slowly took his seat, making sure not to twist his back in an uncomfortable (eg: painful) way.

“How come I feel like I’ve gone a round with Tyson, and we haven’t even put two bricks together yet?” asked Deke.  “Lego sure ain’t what it used to be!”

Tee Bone had taken his seat and was now leafing through the instruction booklet.  “I don’t even know what these pieces are!” he exclaimed.  “Look for a red thing with holes on the sides,” he asked.

“There’s a lot of red things with holes in the side,” said Deke as he sifted through a pile.  “In fact there’s a couple different shades of red.  Shoot man, when I was a kid, Lego was red, white, blue, black, green, and yellow.  That was it!  I can’t even tell the dark greys from the light greys…”  He squinted.  “Maybe we should go do something else?”

Tee Bone was startled at the suggestion.  “Deke, this says ‘Ages 18 and up’.  How old are we?”

“Well then you look for the red thing with holes, I’m going to put these two black pieces together, like it shows in the instructions,” responded Deke.

Tee Bone shook his head.  “Deke!  Step one, and we already got it wrong.  See, there’s two different black ones there…a left slope and a right slope.  You grabbed the left, but it’s supposed to be the right.  Right?”

Deke squinted again.  “Shit.  This Lego is hard, dude!”

“Don’t tell Brainiac!  Whatever you do, don’t tell Brainiac.  He puts this stuff together while writing articles and making videos at the same time!”  Tee Bone made it clear that he was serious.  His face spoke of severe consequences if Brainiac ever discovered they were having such a hard time.

“Put on a record,” answered Deke.  “Let’s make our pain less…painful.”

Tee Bone chuckled, selected a record, and set the needle on the last track.  “Hee hee,” he mock-chuckled as he tip-toed back to his chair.  Helix blasted through the speakers.

“Bangin’ off-a-the bricks!” belted out Brian Vollmer from the turntable.

Deke gave Tee Bone a deadpan look.  “Seriously?”

Tee Bone laughed.  “Too much?”

“Yeah, and don’t put on ‘Another Brick in the Wall’ next, wise guy!” answered Deke as Tee Bone went to go change the record.

Tee Bone selected something else instead, an album that would remind both of their younger days.  Kiss Alive rested on the platter, and the needle dropped.

“Perfect, the hottest band in the land!” shouted a re-invigorated Deke.  “Let’s kick this Lego’s ass!”  The two high fived each other and got to work.

Three Days Later…

Tee Bone was passed out on the couch.  Deke, in his favourite armchair.  On their work table in the middle of the room stood an impressive sight:  a perfectly built Lego Ultimate Collector’s Series custom Flying Motorcyle, just like the real thing in the garage at the Palace.  They did it.  It took three days, two bottles of Scotch, four pizzas, six Dekeburgers, twenty chicken wings, and the entire discographies of Kiss and Van Halen (1978-1996 only), but they did it.  Now, they slept like babies, exhausted from their work.

Deke’s computer suddenly rang, waking up the superhero from his well-deserved slumber.  He creaked upwards and stumbled towards his desk.  With a touch of the mouse, he answered a video call.

“Hello?” he asked, as his blurry eyes slowly focused.  “Brainiac?  What are you doing calling at…1:00 am??”

Brainiac was on the screen, smiling but puzzled.  “What?  1:00 am?  What are you…oh…Deke…you’ve got your watch on upside down.  It’s 7:00 pm.”

“Oh!  Yeah I knew that,” said Deke trying to cover for himself.  “What’s up?”

“I was just calling to check in, see if you found out anything about Moustachio’s whereabouts…oh hey!  There’s the Lego motorcycle!  Holy shit, it looks great Deke!  How much fun was that to make, eh?”

Deke stumbled over his words.  “Yeah it was really…awesome!  Tee Bone was saying, he…loved doing Lego…and, yeah!”

“…Great!” answered a puzzled Brainiac.  “Well I can see you guys have a lot going on, so I’ll let you get back to it.  So nothing on Moustachio yet?”

Deke was happy to change the subject.  “No, I’m sorry to say, we don’t know what happened to him.  My working theory is that he got sucked through a portal of some kind.  To where…and how…I couldn’t begin to fathom.  I can tell you this goes far beyond anything in our known physics.”  He took a deep breath.  “Sorry man.  We’re not quitting until we find him.”

“I know, you’re good guys.” sighed Brainiac.  “Alright, well, I gotta run, Leafs are losing and Jen’s not happy, so I better go get her some coffee.  You know how it is.  Say hi to Tee for me!”

Brainiac signed off, and Deke breathed a sigh of relief.  He turned in his chair to notice Tee Bone was also awake.

“Thanks for not blowing it to the Brainiac, Deke!  I thought for sure I was going to have to stun you,” smiled Tee Bone.

“Hah-hah,” deadpanned Deke.  Tee Bone then revealed a stun gun under his cape.  He was indeed serious.  The two exchanged looks.  There was an eerie silence as neither man knew how to react.  Finally, Tee Bone broke the silence and chuckled huge guffaws of laughter.

“Aww, crap!” he said.  “I was only going to stun you on the lowest setting, you know!  Payback for stunning me back when I had the cursed Iron Maiden socks, I guess!  But seriously…if the Brainiac ever finds out it took us three solid days to put that thing together, we will never hear the end of it.  You know it’s true!”

Deke pondered, laughed, and put his friend’s mind at ease.  “Don’t worry man, I’m just as embarrassed as you are.  Let’s get some shuteye and we’ll both feel better in the morning.  You know what’s funny?” asked Deke.

Tee Bone gave him the side-eye and answered, “No…”

“What’s funny is that to guys like Brainiac and Harrison, and children of all ages…Lego is fun!”

“Must be something wrong with all them!” shrugged Tee Bone.  “G’night Deke!”

“G’Night, Tee!”

With that, the two heroes went to their rooms, calling it an early night.  The motorcycle stood proudly in the center of the room, shining like a trophy.  An accomplishment.  Which it was.

Looking for a snack, Ripper the squirrel entered the room.  He spied the motorcycle.  Just his size, he reasoned.  No harm could possibly come from trying it out.  Just sitting on it.  Nobody will know.  Ripper forgot that he was hungry, and ran towards the table.  He gingerly climbed aboard.  Lego reminded him of Moustachio.

A mighty crashing sound, deafening to squirrels and chipmunks alike, didn’t even wake the two slumbering superheroes.  The remains of the motorcycle were strewn all over the floor.

“Squee, squee,” he muttered.  Squirrelese for “Aw, crap.”

And with that, Ripper gathered the pieces, opened the instructions, and began assembling the Lego one more time.

The end.

 

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

  • Chapter Eighteen:  Shinzon – Origins (By LeBrain)
  • Chapter Nineteen:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes vs. the Lego (By LeBrain)
  • Chapter Twenty:  The Death of… (By LeBrain) September
  • Chapter Twenty-One:  The Fate of… (By LeBrain) October

 

  • Noirison:  Chapter One (by Holen)
  • The Mole in Rock and Roll Heaven (by 80sMetalMan) TBA
  • Shinzon – Dread and the Fugitive Mind (By Harrison Kopp) TBA
  • Noirison:  Chapter Two (by Holen) TBA

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

 

 

 

The Writer’s Room: Summer Holidays!

Mike sat on the porch, sun beaming down bright, as he prepared for the first Writer’s Room teleconference!  Normally, the guys (except Holen) all met up in a big room to hash out story ideas and pick on Mike.  This time, everybody was meeting from their summer vacation spots.  Mike’s was at the cottage, beneath the trees, with birds and chipmunks alike visiting his quiet space.  He logged in and waited for the others to arrive.

The first to arrive was the aforementioned Holen Magroin.  As usual, his screen was fuzzy, revealing no details.

“Holen!” greeted Mike.  “You’re first.  What’s up man?”

Holen muttered something about a hangover, not quite distinguishable.  Mike could make out a figure fussing with his camera gear, but the image got no clearer.

“Not much is up, how’s life in Canada?  I’m still trying to get Harrison to get these new images for Noirison chapter two.  I have a very specific picture in my mind.  He’s close, but not quite there yet.”

Mike was afraid to ask his next question.  “How many revisions has he done so far?”

“Just seven,” answered Holen.  Mike smacked his head.  Holen was an artist, perhaps more than the others in the group.  It had to be just right.  It was his vision!

As if summoned by an unholy ritual, Harrison was next to arrive in the teleconference.  He was calling in from his car.

“Hello,” he said, his calm Australian demeanor revealing nothing of the seven revisions he finished for Holen.

With a flash, John T. Snow appeared on the screen, on holiday from sunny California!

“Hellooooo!” screamed the Snowman, with white sunscreen on his nose and a drink in hand.  “Welcome to California!”

“Fuck California!” Mike screamed back.  “I mean, welcome John!”

The last two participants emerged:  Aaron from a beach in Port Elgin, and 80’s Metal Man seemingly from a rock club somewhere in the UK!

“Welcome everyone!” Mike announced.  “I have a very important statement to make regarding the future of Tee Bone Man.  Are you ready?”

80s Metal Man plugged his ears as a band was soundchecking, but gave the thumbs up.  Aaron saluted from the beach with a “Wahoo!”  John sipped his drink, Harrison nodded stoically, and nobody knew how Holen responded since he was invisible.

Mike took a deep breath.  “You ready guys?  OK.  Here’s the news.  You all get the rest of the summer off!  All of you except Harrison, that is!”

Harrison was unsurprised and unmoved.

“Summer off?  Wahoo!!” said Aaron.  “Wait…why?”

“Well, we’re so far ahead on stories that we have enough to go for the next couple months!  Harrison just needs the art!  We have 80s Metal Man with his new story about the mole in Rock and Roll Heaven, that will be going up soon.  We have a second chapter of Holen’s Noirison series, written and waiting for art.  Personally, I have written the next three chapters of the Multiverse Saga, and Harrison has been working on the adventures of Moustachio and Shinzon separately from that.  We’re all set!  Enjoy the summer, boys!”

Everybody celebrated in their little teleconference windows!  Everyone but the calm and collected Harrison, and the invisible Holen, who may have been battling with a Kraken.  It was simply impossible to know!

“Are you OK, Harrison?” asked Aaron while building a sand castle.  “You aren’t smiling.”

“Yes I am,” responded Harrison.  “I’m overjoyed to be still working on Lego art this summer.  Can you not tell?”

“No!” responded everyone in unison.

“Enjoy the summer guys!” said Mike as he signed off.

He then leaned back in his chair on the porch.  This summer had not gone according to plan.  It had gone better!  He had shed the kryptonite he had been carrying around for the last year, and emerged a new man.  He smiled.  He looked at the schedule of stories ahead.  He nodded in approval.  Big stories.  Big changes.  Big drama.

Man, the readers will be freaked out when they see who dies!

 

The end.

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

  • Chapter Eighteen:  Shinzon – Origins (By LeBrain)
  • Chapter Nineteen:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes vs. the Lego (By LeBrain) coming soon
  • Chapter Twenty:  The Death of… (By LeBrain) September
  • Chapter Twenty-One:  The Fate of… (By LeBrain) October

 

  • Noirison:  Chapter One (by Holen)
  • The Mole in Rock and Roll Heaven (by 80sMetalMan) TBA
  • Shinzon – Dread and the Fugitive Mind (By Harrison Kopp) TBA

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

Noirison: Chapter One – A Tee Bone Man Multiverse Story (by Holen)

NOIRISON: Chapter One

A Tee Bone Man Multiverse Story

By Holen

A cold breeze blew in from the south, rustling the threads on my coat, and shifting my hat ever so slightly. I never could get used to these damn cold nights. I’d spent my nascent years in Perth, Australia. Anything below 60 was too clammy for my good. Leaving home wasn’t my choice, but when you find yourself running amuck of Johnny Law, it’s best to split like a bum at a railroad inspection. New York City had its charms though. I had a nose for action, and this city kept my nostrils flared.

My name is Harrison Healey. I’m a private eye. I used to work for the force, but Captain Ladano considered my attendance too erratic. Of my many virtues, punctuality was not chief among them. I looked more like a cowboy than a gumshoe. I was tan, tall, handsome, and handy with a weapon. A loaded .45 and a license to carry in all fifty states, not that I was too keen on using it. You needed a heater on these streets though, even if it was full of blanks. But if you used dummies, you’d best be ready for the other guy to call your bluff.

Damn, there’s that breeze again. I was only a few blocks from home. I liked to walk some days, it gave me a chance to sweat out the booze, but the cold was getting to me that night. I decided to light a cigar. But where did I put that lighter? It was right about then that a meaty fist the size of a 10 oz steak appeared in front of my face. It was holding a specialized lighter that read, “John T. Dreyfus Productions.” I looked up at the towering lump of meat standing in front of me. This guy was definitely muscle.

“Want a light?” the giant inquired.

“What’s the catch?” I shot back.

“A few minutes of your time. Mr. Dreyfus wants to see you,” he impatiently spat out.

“I don’t presume to know Mr. Dreyfus, and if it’s all the same to you, tiny, I’ve got a bourbon nightcap and a pillow calling my name at home. Tell him to call my office tomorrow and set up an appointment like a normal person.” With that rebuke, I turned to walk away, but the giant had other plans. The 10 oz steak became a hammer and nailed my stomach up against my spine. I hit the ground like a sack of bricks. My still unlit cigar rolled down the curb into the storm drain.

“It wasn’t so much a question,” a booming voice proclaimed from seemingly miles above me. The hammer came ‘round for a second swing, this time whacking my skull. I tasted blood, saw black, and don’t remember too much for a while after that.

I started to come around in a chair. I had no idea how long I was out, but I wasn’t booze drunk anymore, just punch drunk. I had to stop drinking like that. I should have heard a guy his size coming a mile away. A creep that size probably shook the buildings when he walked.

“Ah! He’s coming around! Good thing too, as this whole affair was beginning to try my patience,” an unfamiliar refined voice declared.

I opened my eyes and got a good look at my surroundings for the first time. I was several stories up in an expensive looking room, full of the tacky kind of furniture that only a despicable amount of wealth could ever corrupt you into believing was fashionable. It was still night, but was it the same night? The giant was lumbering in the corner, and a middle aged man with snow white hair approached me.

“My apologies for the rough stuff. My employees can oftentimes be a bit overzealous, but they’re so effective I find it hard to reprimand them!” Dreyfus decreed with insufferable hubris.

“Well if you don’t, I’d be more than happy too,” I groaned. “I think your boy fractured my skull.”

“Now, now, Mr. Healey. Let’s not be melodramatic. I deal with enough of that from my actors. I’m sure your headache is nothing a drink wouldn’t fix. Pick your poison,” he said, gesturing to the extensive supply of liquor on the wall.

“Bourbon, neat.” I guess the moratorium on drinking would have to wait.

“Ah, a man of taste. I understand that Europeans don’t often drink with ice. Is that true of Australia as well? I for one like to savor every sip. I’m a man of refined tastes, and I want to taste every cent,” Dreyfus chuckled, handed me the bourbon, and then poured a glass for himself. I took a sip, and the pain began to subside.

“Look pal, I don’t mean to be rude, but I have no idea who you are, or what you could possibly want from me,” I said.

“You’ve never heard of John T. Dreyfus Productions? I’ve been a pillar in the film industry for thirty years, by the looks of which is longer than you’ve been alive. Haven’t you ever been to a cineplex?”

“I’m a music guy.”

Dreyfus scoffed.

“Well, it’s impertinent to the matter at hand anyway,” he proclaimed. He took a sip of his bourbon. “Despite all the pageantry, what I desire from you is fairly standard. I’d like to hire you to find somebody.”

“I’m in the phone book, didn’t you think to try that first?” I quipped.

“I’m afraid it was a matter of some urgency, and I’m not accustomed to waiting.”

“All right then. What was so urgent you needed to give me a concussion?” I sarcastically inquired.

“An actress. She’s a newcomer, set to play a starring role in my latest film. This woman is a natural! Talented, and not so hard on the eyes either if you catch my drift. The picture is set to start filming next week, but she hasn’t been to rehearsal in the last three days. No one knows where she is, and I refuse to recast her. I want her in that film, and John T. Dreyfus gets what he wants!” he exclaimed in third person.

“I picked up on that, yes.”

“As I’m sure a man of your intelligence has already concluded, I want you to find her, and bring her to me.”

“What if she doesn’t want to come back?” I barbed.

“Well, I presume a man of your distinguished physical attractiveness should have no trouble convincing any woman of the heterosexual persuasion to follow you anywhere,” he said. I couldn’t tell if it was flattery, or an honest observation. In spite of all my vices, I was good looking.

“Dame got a name?” I asked.

“Savannah Severny. Doesn’t the alliteration just tickle you?”

“No,” I bluntly replied. Dreyfus sighed.

“In any case, here’s her profile shot,” Dreyfus handed me a picture of a beautiful blonde. She was a looker all right, but she had that sadness hidden under the surface. Someone had taken a belt to her too many times as a kid, or maybe no one was there to do it at all. Another broken beauty.

Dreyfus interrupted my thoughts saying, “And then there’s the matter of your pay. How does $500 a day suit you?”

It sounded good, great even. Business had been on a downward slide for months, but I wasn’t about to tell him so. I flashed a sour look.

“$750. How about that?” Dreyfus offered.

“Plus expenses,” I added.

“Well, naturally.”

I bit my lip and tried to hide my smirk. This wasn’t a parsimonious man. His po ckets clearly ran as deep as his influence. Still, something about him rubbed me the wrong way. Those rich producer types always had ties of which I never wanted to be associated. But at the end of the day, I couldn’t hide from the ugly naked truth, I needed the money.

“All right, I’ll take your case,” I agreed.

“Excellent,” Dreyfus opened a drawer and produced several bills. “Here’s a two day advance. Keep me updated on any progress.” He shook my hand with his right hand, and handed me the bills with his left. I stood up to leave, shot the muscle a quick glance of defiant bemusement, and walked towards the door.

“One more thing,” Dreyfus quickly said. I slowly turned, inadvertently betraying my annoyance.

“Forgive me, dear boy. I’m afraid I’m rather unschooled in the fine art of brevity. But seeing as you seem to have a proclivity towards impetuosity, I’d say we make quite a pair,” Dreyfus wryly remarked.

I stared in waiting.

“A bit of dry humor. Perhaps, misplaced. I’m afraid I mistook my audience, and mistook you for a risible man,” he conceded.

“What is it?” I said curtly, finally losing all patience. Briefly, I caught a sinister glance cast out of Dreyfus’ eyes. It was only a fraction of a second, then he quickly composed himself. This man was definitely a professional.

“Confidentiality is something I hold sacred. From now on, I’d like you to refer to me in all communications and in any notes you may take for this case by a false name. You are to refer to me as Snow. Understood?”

“I think I can manage.”

“Good. On your way then.”

On my way then. The ink hadn’t even dried on our deal and already I was like one of his lackeys. I rode the elevator down to the ground level, questions spinning on my mind. Why me? A man of his financial stature could afford anybody to find this broad. Why’d he employ the services of my crummy dime store operation? Maybe he had looked in the phonebook. Everyone flips to the middle anyway, and my name is right around that area. The c-notes in my pocket helped to pacify my restless mind. I wasn’t sure how I’d find this Savannah lady, but I had a good idea of who I should ask first. Before I saw him, I had to stop by a gas station for a few tallboys.

I slid into T-Bone’s, a local jazz club and found a table near the back. The guy I was looking for was up onstage, a guitarist known only by the name Holen. He was an esteemed player. Everyone knew of him, but no one knew what he looked like. He was an invisible man, sharp-dressed, but tough to discern out of context. He lived for his instrument, it was the only thing in the world that brought him happiness. That and any kind of liquor he could get down his gullet. Hence the cold tall boys in my coat.

I sat there and watched his set. I decided to have a cigar, but remembered I didn’t have a light. It was just gonna be one of those nights. Holen took his solo, then a bow, and made a predictable beeline for the bar. I met him there, tallboys still frosty in my coat. Sweat still dripping from his invisible brow, Holen turned in his barstool towards my direction.

“Harrison Healey. To what do I owe this undoubtedly dubious pleasure?” Holen exhaustedly proffered.

“A little sloppy tonight weren’t you?” I ribbed.

“It was our third set! I’m getting the shakes. And you know I never drink before or during a performance,” he spit back.

“I might find that impressive if those weren’t the only times you aren’t nursing a drink.”

“Speaking of, why don’t you cut to the chase so I can get straight to it? I got a date with the demon rum.”

“I need some information,” I said bluntly.

“Of course you do. You ever think about just making a social call?” he jested.

“I’m not the social type, Holen. Tell me everything you know about this broad,” I extended the picture out to him.

“What’s in it for me?” he grunted. I produced the tallboys.

“They were out of Mickey’s big mouth cases. I figured these would do,” I ribbed.

“Well, that’s a start. Her name’s Crystal. Well, probably not, but that’s what they call her. She dances over at the Two-Bit strip joint off of 10th street. You hurry, you might catch the end of her show.”

“I heard her name’s Savannah.”

“It probably is, but that’s not what they call her down there.”

“You sure it’s her?” I pressed.

“Yes. That’s not the type of dame you mistake for somebody else.”

“Thanks. Take it easy there, Holen. I could almost hear your liver crying above your guitar.”

“I never stop ‘til I’m three sheets to the wind. Otherwise, what’s the point?”

I patted him on the back and proffered a simple, “Do as you will.”

“I intend to,” he quipped back.

Holen was certainly a character. The tosspot took the piss out of everything and everybody. There was something about him I admired though. He’d found his niche and was content indulging his vices nightly. I took leave of T-Bone’s and set out for the strip joint. Luckily for me, it was only a few blocks away. I checked the time, it was a quarter to four. I’d better get moving if I wanted to catch Savannah.

I hastened my pace. The exertion helped subdue the cold. I made good time, and saw several girls being escorted out of the strip club by what had to be the bouncer. I snuck back in the lot behind the place. I didn’t feel like having another confrontation with a brainless brawn. Standing out of sight, I perused the shadowy figures, looking for one that resembled Savannah. No such luck yet. I saw a dark silhouette about to turn the corner, and then felt a heavy object strike the back of my dome with extreme force. So much for avoiding another head injury…

TO BE CONTINUED…

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

  • Chapter Eighteen:  Shinzon – Origins (By LeBrain)
  • Chapter Nineteen:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes vs. the Lego (By LeBrain) coming soon
  • Chapter Twenty:  The Death of… (By LeBrain) September
  • Chapter Twenty-One:  The Fate of… (By LeBrain) October

 

  • Noirison:  Chapter One (by Holen)
  • The Mole in Rock and Roll Heaven (by 80sMetalMan) TBA
  • Shinzon – Dread and the Fugitive Mind (By Harrison Kopp) TBA

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

 

 

The Adventures of Tee Bone Man: Shinzon – Origins

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN
PHASE TWO: THE MULTIVERSE SAGA


Chapter Eighteen:  Shinzon – Origins

 ONE YEAR AGO…in hell…

Harrison, Tee Bone and Superdekes had defeated the Devil and were now signing his autograph book.  Harrison, however, had some reservations.

“Wait a minute,” he asked. “How do I know I’m not signing my soul over to you?”

Satan laughed. “Look, I may be the Devil, but the rules of contracts are very specific. For me to take your soul via a signed contract, the contract must be clear and understood by all parties. You signed my autograph book, that’s all. Look, check out page three.” The Devil magically flipped to the correct page. “That’s Elvis…”

Relieved, Harrison smiled and signed the book gingerly.  The Devil snapped his fingers and the three heroes began to fade.

“Bye guys…” waved Harrison to the other two. They both waved back as all three disappeared, leaving the Devil alone with his new treasures.

Moments later, the Devil snapped his long-nailed fingers again, and summoned an attendant.

“Did you get the DNA sample from the pen?” asked Satan.

“Yes, Great Satan.  A good sampling of the Australian’s DNA has been captured.  We are beginning the preservation process.”

“Good.  Good.  Not your soul, young Australian…just your genes!  Our buyer will send payment as soon as we confirm the DNA is intact.  And to think those hero fools now believe I was after their autographs!  A little Australian DNA, and it is money in the bank.”

Satan laughed.  Winning always made him laugh.

The following day, in space…

Darth Tyranus was a stranger in a strange land.  This was not his land.  This was not his life.  The last thing he remembered, Anakin Skywalker had defeated him in combat.  He lost both his hands to a lightsaber and was about to lose his head.  And then…and then…

And then he was summoned.  Plucked, rather, from his own timeline.  His own universe.  His own life.  He was freed from one master, only to serve a new one.  One with the power to skip through universes like a child skips through a puddle of water, and take what he wants without consequence or care.

And now, he waited, over one of the moons of Bogden, his new mechanical hands clenching in leather gloves.

This universe was an interesting one.  There were no Sith.  There were no Jedi.  Until now, there was no Tyranus.  There was an actor, named Christopher Lee, from a planet called Earth, who played a character called Tyranus.  But Tyranus did not exist here.  Not until his new master sent him.

Just as his universe was unique, split into dark and light, this one too was unique.  In this universe, super beings protected the innocent.  Darkness struggled to penetrate this universe, with its guardians ready to defend at any moment.  New ones were appearing almost regularly now.  Something had to be done.

Tyranus checked his chronometer.  His contact from the underworld would be here soon.  Tyranus was brought to this universe for a specific reason:  cloning.  His years of expertise, manipulating the Clone Wars, made him ideal for this job.  His master had provided him with cloning cylinders, and a Kaminoan lab.  In his time in this universe, Tyranus had studied its heroes and villains.  He had chosen allies to serve him.  His goal was simple.  His master had made it clear:  eliminate the heroes.  Especially the Earth heroes.

Especially Tee Bone Man.

And so he studied and studied.  He put elements in play like pieces in chess.  With his gift of foresight, he was able to see in advance the alliances these heroes would make.  He could interfere and manipulate events to set them in his favour.

The DNA sample would be here soon.  Then all would begin to unfold.

Perfectly on time, Satan’s envoy was arriving.  His craft was a saucer-shaped ship with a dome on top, and landing gear below.  It landed a short distance away, and a ramp slowly lowered in front.  Tyranus straightened his cape.  This was his first meeting with an envoy from Hell in person.

From out the flying saucer came a tattooed man with no shirt, ripped pants, and a skewed baseball cap.

“Duuuuuuuuude!” said the tattooed man.

“You may address me as Lord Tyranus,” he answered gruffly.  “You are Satan’s envoy?”

“Yeah dude!” said the man as he approached, package in hand.  “I’ve been Satan’s envoy since the Shout at the Devil album in 1983!  Payment received, and he said to give you this!”

He handed Tyranus a small, sealed, metal box.  The older man took it, waved a hand over a surface, and the box opened.  Inside was a ball-point pen.  He sealed the box once more with another wave.  He summoned a Kaminoan attendant, who took the box away.

“Well done,” he said to the tattooed man.  “You may tell your master Satan to continue his business, but to expect to be summoned again when needed.”  The tattooed man just looked back at him with a stupid grin on his face.

Tyranus had no patience.  “Your name!” he demanded.

“Dude, it’s me, Tommy Lee!” said the Motley Crue drummer gleefully.

“Get out of my sight, Lee!  Give your master my message.  And put on a tunic.”

“A what??”

“A shirt you fool!”  Tyranus lashed out, amplifying his voice with the Force.  With that, Tommy Lee hightailed it out of there.

Tyranus considered to himself what he had achieved this day.  “All is going according to plan.  The Australian was to be their greatest ally.  When I replace him with an evil clone, then Tee Bone Man and Superdekes will never achieve the power they are destined.”  He laughed.  His new master was much more powerful than his old.  He was all but doomed before, betrayed by Darth Sidious and maimed by Skywalker.  Here, he had a new start.

He just needed to ensure that Tee Bone Man was not his next Skywalker.

At that exact moment last year, in Australia…

Harrison Holden, otherwise known as El Moustachio, was rubbing a sore thumb.  There was a sharp piece of plastic on the edge of the pen that he used to sign his autograph back in Hell.  He thought little of it at the time, but after a hard day of assembling Lego pieces, it was starting to bother him.

He applied a bandage to his Australian thumb.  “Ah, my boomerang thumb,” he thought to himself.  No boomerang classes tomorrow for him!

He was excited by his new friendship with the Canadian lads, Tee Bone Man and Superdekes.  They sure did have a good time saving the world.  He hoped it was not their last adventure.

A chill went up his spine.  What was that?  He shivered.  It was…cold…foreboding.

“Better get to bed,” he thought.  He played some Blaze Bayley through his headphones – Alive in Poland – and tucked himself in to bed.  As always, he made one wish at bedtime.

“I wish for more adventures with Superdekes and Tee Bone Man!  And maybe a cool pet that could fit inside a satchel.”

With that, he was off to sleep.  He had no idea that on a distant world, he had just been cloned!

Months after…

Tyranus watched events unfold on Earth.  The heroes were gaining strength.  They had brought into their fold now a wealthy but foolish man named Snow, with resources enough to fund the heroes’ every need.  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes were gaining in might and knowledge faster than anticipated.  Superdekes in particular was making leaps and bounds of progress on the technological side.

Today, that would end.  His Australian clone had advance-aged to perfectly match the original.  Today was the day to open the cloning cylinder.

The plan had unfolded perfectly.  Satan provided them with a flawless, clean Australian DNA sample.  It was not much, just enough for one clone.  Tyranus only needed one clone.  All they had to do was turn on the evil gene.  A simple task for the Kaminoan cloners.  Turning on the evil gene was in fact the easiest thing to do in all of cloning.

It was time.  Tyranus made his way through winding corridors, to the cloning lab.  The metal doors whooshed open, and two tall-necked Kaminoans were diligently preparing the clone for his arrival.

“Have you opened the cylinder?” he asked.

“Not without you present, my master,” answered the first wide-eyed Kaminoan.

“Do it,” he commanded with relish.

Before them, a shining silvery cloning tube opened, with a rush of steam and the hiss of a broken seal.  They waited for the mist to clear, to get a good look at this Australian clone they had just created.

There it lay, eyes closed, but breathing.  A perfect duplicate of El Moustachio.  Indistinguishable.  Its hair was long, brown, silky, straight and smooth.  Just like the original.  Flawless.  Blemish-free in every way.

“Wait…wait…something is wrong,” said Tyranus.  The room fell eerie silent as the Kaminoans froze, waiting.  “Where is its moustache?” thundered the Sith lord.

A timid Kaminoan answered meekly.  “I am sorry, my master.  The DNA sample was uncontaminated, but the original donor had such strong moustache genes.  These strong moustache genes are extraordinarily complex and must be duplicated with exact precision, or the gene remains recessive.  There simply wasn’t enough donor DNA present in the sample to do it.”

The Sith lord closed one mechanical hand into a fist.

“This…will simply not do.  Do you understand?”

The Kaminoan looked down.  “Yes, master.”

There was a flash of a red lightsaber blade, and an alien head hit the ground with a sickening thud.  Tyranus strode out of the chamber with a furious twirl of his cape.  The remaining Kaminoan stayed still and quiet.

The clone awakened in its cylinder.  It rubbed its eyes.

“Who am I?  Where am I?  I feel…evil!” said the clone in a flawless Western Australian accent.

“You, sir, are the worst clone I ever made,” answered the Kaminoan.  “You are fortunate that the evil gene took hold, otherwise he might find you completely worthless.  Your cloning was a failure, and I will give you a deserving name for such a shamelessly poor clone:  Shinzon.”

The cloned looked taken aback by all this information, but being evil, nor having seen Star Trek: Nemesis, did not care very much.

“Shinzon…I like it.  Henceforth I shall be known as Shinzon.  I have a terrible urge to eat cabbage and build things out of Lego.  Is this normal?” asked the clone.

“For you, yes it is.  We have prepared a feast of cabbage for your arrival, though you certainly do not deserve it, for your failure to grow a moustache.”

“Can’t I just wear a fake moustache?” asked Shinzon.

The Kaminoan simply laughed.  “You can’t fake a good moustache.”

More months later…

“Looks like we’re going to Romania,” mused Deke.  Tee Bone Man, Deke and Harrison were at it again:  trying to save the world from the evil plots and schemes of the Great Satan himself.  The devil needed something, and our boys were not about to let him have it!

“What are we going to do with the Infernum record?” questioned Tee Bone Man.  “It would be foolish to take it with us.”

“I think the safest place for it is in El Moustachio’s hands,” Deke said, nodding to Harrison.

The Australian nodded back and surreptitiously put it in his bag. “I’ll defend it with my life,” El Moustachio avowed.

“Hopefully it won’t come to that,” Tee Bone said with a smile. “But we really have to be going now.”

“Of course. Good luck,” Harrison replied, with a wave as Deke fired up his motorbike. The two accelerated down the road, before shortly taking flight and disappearing into the atmosphere as Harrison watched on.  The Australian then set off for his house, but a feeling of unease set over him.  A chill went up and down his back.  Suddenly an image flashed into his mind.  As clear as day, he could see it!  Goosebumps raised on his arms as he could see in his mind’s eye, a mirror.  In front of that mirror he stood, solemn and alone.  But the face staring back at him wasn’t his.  Or, rather, it was — but cleanly shaven, baby smooth, like some bizarre anti-Harrison.

Harrison shook it off, as he entered his home once again.  “That was so strange.  I would never shave off my moustache.  But that felt so…real!”

His squirrel friend Ripper greeted him at the door, the perfect pet for fitting into a satchel, but Harrison was distracted by this strange vision that he simply could not explain.

That day, in Tyranus’ throne room…

“It is time, Lord Tyranus.  I believe Shinzon is ready to be the agent of evil that you need on Earth,” said the Kaminoan.

Tyranus sat on his throne and considered this.

“He could not even grow a moustache!  And you want me to send this Shinzon of yours to Earth anyway?” mocked Tyranus bitterly.  All those resources spent…wasted…on this moustache-less mockery that calls itself Shinzon.”

“Yes, mi’lord,” answered the Kaminoan.  “I believe he is ready to prove himself.”

Tyranus considered this.  He placed a gloved hand upon his white beard and stroked.

“Very well.  Send him in.  I will test him, myself.”

With that the Kaminoan summoned the moustache-less Australian to the throne room.  Moments later, Shinzon stood before his master, hair silky smooth and freshly perfect.

“You summoned me, Lord Tyranus?” bowed Shinzon.

“Yes.  Have you been been informed of the mission that you have been suggested to lead?” asked a sceptical Tyranus.

“I have, my lord,” answered the clone.  “I am ready.”

Suddenly Tyranus lunged forward.  “Then prove it!”  His red lightsaber ignited, and missed Shinzon by two hairs, as he ducked just in time out of the way, and rolled across the floor.

Shinzon was on the ground now with Tyranus swiftly moving in his direction.  “Prove that you are worthy to serve me!” barked the Sith lord as he threw his lightsaber at Shinzon like a boomerang.

The clone rolled away again and laughed.  Standing, he drew his own boomerang.  “You’ll have to do better than that, Tyranus.  I’m an Australian clone!”  He hurled his boomerang with a mighty right, but Tyranus dissected the projectile with his lightsaber.

“Boastful, arrogant and foolish!” taunted Tyranus.  “Show me your anger!  Show me your hate!  Use them!”

Shinzon gritted his teeth and focused on the pain.  The pain of rejection from this man, this evil entity called Tyranus.  Faster than the eye could see, he drew a blaster.  He fired the sidearm in a blur, but Tyranus easily deflected the blast.

“Good…your hate is making your powerful!  Now, strike the killing blow!” instructed Tyranus.

This time Shinzon pushed a button on his chest and activated a light.  An intense, blinding light that took Tyranus by surprise.  He covered his eyes too late, deactivating his lightsaber, but temporarily blinded.  It took him a second, thanks to the shock of pain in his eyes, but he reached out with the Force — too late.  Shinzon was already at his neck with a blade and a blaster at his temple.

“Check, mate!” said Shinzon.

“Stalemate,” countered Tyranus.  He blinked as sight started to return.  His lightsaber hilt was at Shinzon’s head.  It was stalemate indeed.   Each combatant slowly disarmed and backed off.

“Good.  Good…you have passed this test, Shinzon.  You may yet prove your worth.  Go to Earth.  Be instructed well.  You are not to confront or interfere with Tee Bone Man and Superdekes.  If you alert them to our existence, then all will be for nothing.   I do not trust you:  I trust no-one who cannot grow a moustache, you failed clone,” warned Tyranus.

“To be fair mi’lord, it is turning out that he is remarkably evil, and quite good at all things Australian.  He will blend in on Earth just as well as the original,” said the Kaminoan attendant.

Tyranus stood dismissively.  “Assign Shinzon to one of the lesser heroes.  The Van Heelin’ woman, perhaps.  Perhaps…perhaps we can use her, in our plans against Tee Bone Man and Superdekes, if he is capable.”

“It shall be done, mi’lord,” said the Kaminoan.  Shinzon nodded his agreement.

“Good.  Contact Satan.  Get him to send his envoy once more, to bring Shinzon to Earth.  Give him access to all the technological resources, from every universe, that we have.”

The Kaminoan nodded its long neck and left the room.  Shinzon lingered a moment, glaring at Tyranus, before turning and exiting.

Tyranus sat, rather satisfied with himself.  Sending Shinzon to deal with the Van Heelin’ woman might serve one purpose, but if Shinzon could figure out a way to manipulate her against Tee Bone Man, then perhaps this cloning misadventure was not the waste that it appeared to be.

Earth.  Present Day.

Tee Bone Man and Superdekes were concerned.  Deep furrows of worry had formed in Superdekes’ face.  Tee Bone Man was constantly rubbing the bridge of his nose where headaches liked to go.  They were only beginning to connect the dots.  Through their mutual friend Mike the Brainiac, Tee Bone and Superdekes had made contact with another superhero on the west coast named Edie Van Heelin’.  While they successfully formed an alliance, it also brought Tee Bone and Deke into a larger world.  They had just become aware that evil powers from several levels higher than any they had dealt with before were now actively seeking to destroy them both.

They did not know much.  Deke had scribbled charts and diagrams on sheets of paper scattered on his desk.  Everything seemed to lead to a dead end.  The biggest lead they had was this Shinzon character.

Neither Deke nor Tee Bone Man had dealt with him directly, but Van Heelin’ and Brainiac had.  Shinzon had access to technology seemingly from the future, and he definitely reported to a higher power.  A higher power that had yet to reveal itself.  They also knew that Tommy Lee had allied himself as a lacky of Shinzon, and could not be trusted.  To be on the side of caution, Nikki Sixx, Vince Neil and John 5 were all also considered compromised.

“Think we should call it a night, Deke?” yawned Tee Bone.

“Yeah buddy, I don’t think we’re going to wrap up this case tonight.  There’s definitely a ‘Big Bad’ at the end of all this.  And that entity is definitely more than meets the eye.  That’s about all I can surmise at this moment.  Not very reassuring, I know,” yawned Deke in return.

“We do have this,” added Tee Bone as he tucked his glasses away and pulled a piece of paper from a shirt pocket.  “I’ve asked some friends of ours if they’d be willing to join the fight.  Join the Northern Lights.  Here’s the list of respondents.”  He handed Deke the paper, who peered down over his glasses.

“Wow…big names here.  Max the Axe…Bernard the Knight…King of the Sharks…Kevin the Mars Man…Snowman on financial support…Jex Rambo…the Durling Foundation…Brainiac…and Common Knowledge?  What’s he on this list for!?”

“Sorry, I accidentally copied him on the email chain.  He said yes, but I told him we were already full up!”

“Hah,” said Deke.  “Good call, if it was down to him or me, well, he’d be all yours pal!”  They both laughed at Tee Bone’s mis-sent email.  “There’s one name missing from this list,” added Deke with a somber tone.  “El Moustachio.”

Tee Bone looked down.

“Whereabouts still unknown.  I know he’d be with us if he could be.  Which is what concerns me the most.  He’d be here…which means he’s really in big trouble.”

Deke nodded in sad agreement.  “Are all these people on this list looking for him too?”

Tee Bone answered in affirmative.  “All but Max the Axe.  He’s looking for a new VCR.  Probably for the better.  We need to keep him at arm’s length or next thing you know, we’ll forget what we were all doing in the first place.”  Tee Bone paused a moment before they retired for the night.  “Listen…as impressive as some of the names on that list are…we’re going to need more.  I don’t know where to find them.  It was Shinzon’s blunder that put us in contact with Edie Van Heelin’ in the first place.  If there are other heroes in this universe, we’re going to need to find them ourselves.”

“Agreed,” said Deke.  “Strength in numbers.”

“We got the touch, we got the power,” said Tee Bone with a fist bump.  “G’night.”

Space.

Shinzon was aboard his personal spaceship, about to meet with Tyranus face to face for the first time since leaving the moons of Bogden.  Though he was always calm and stoic on his exterior, his insides were boiling in fear.  Tyranus would not be happy, for Shinzon had failed him.  Again.

Tyranus always saw him as a mistake, an abomination, garbage that should have been disposed of.   And this could be time for Tyranus to do just that.

His assignment was to set Van Heelin’ against Tee Bone Man and destroy them both.  Instead, he had created an alliance between them.  The worst possible outcome for Shinzon.  It was really all the Brainiac’s fault; the one factor nobody considered.  And Shinzon would have his revenge on the Brainiac.  It will come.

He thought a moment.  “What if…what if I simply…don’t go back to Bogden?  What if I don’t report back to Tyranus?  My chances are better in space, than with him.  Let him deal with Tee Bone and Van Heelin’ himself.  See how easy he finds it.”

Studying his starcharts, he made a choice.  With that, he changed course.

“Mars.  The Martians are not sympathetic to Tee Bone Man.  I’ll lay low on Mars for a while before I make my next move.”

An uncertain future ahead, Shinzon headed back to the Sol system.  It was not his home, yet it was.  On Mars he would be a stranger in a strange land once again.  But at least he would be free from Tyranus’ yoke.

For now.

The end.

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

  • Chapter Eighteen:  Shinzon – Origins (By LeBrain)
  • Noirison Part One (By Holen) Coming soon
  • The Mole in Rock and Roll Heaven (by 80sMetalMan) TBA
  • Shinzon – Dread and the Fugitive Mind (By Harrison Kopp) TBA
  • The Death of… (By LeBrain) TBA
  • The Fate of… (By LeBrain) TBA

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

 

 

 

 

 

The Adventures of Tee Bone Man: Tee Bone Man vs. Edie Van Heelin’ [MarriedAndHeels]

 THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:
Tee Bone Man vs. Edie Van Heelin’

THE EPIC CONCLUSION TO TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA

A tense Tee Bone Man sat on the couch, gently stroking his new squirrel friend, Ripper.  They were once mortal enemies, but now they were joined in grief.  Their teammate, El Moustachio, disappeared during their battle against the evil Wicked Lester Blackwell.  He had fallen into a pit, and vanished without a trace.  Superdekes worked tirelessly at his computer, trying to figure out exactly what happened.  He was coming up empty.

“I’m sorry Tee, I’m done for today.  I’m burned out,” gasped an exhausted Deke as he got up from his desk and planted himself in his armchair.

“Me too, buddy, me too,” said an aimless Tee Bone.  “Something tells me things are only getting worse before they get better.”

Deke shuddered.  “Don’t say that man, have some hope.”

Tee Bone placed Ripper on the ground, allowing him to run around the floor of Deke’s Palace.  Moustachio’s last act was to save the little furry guy from the same fate as his. Ripper took off like a dart for the pantry, looking for crumbs.

“Put on a record, will ya?” asked Deke.  “Don’t care which one.  Something rocking.”

“Good idea,” said Tee Bone as he stood and walked towards their record racks.  “Here’s one that just arrived.  Motley Crue – New Tattoo.  Any good?”

Deke shrugged.  “Can’t remember, pal.  Put it on.”

Tee Bone scanned the track list, and selected one song that sounded cool called “Hell On High Heels”.  The Mick Mars riff nearly blew off Tee Bone’s left eyebrow.

“Wow!  This ain’t bad!  That Mars could really wail,” exclaimed Tee as he played air guitar to the track.  Superdekes rocked in his chair, enjoying the heavy groove.

But then….

“Boys call ya Hell on high heels…heels…heels…heels…” went the record as it skipped along.

“Uh oh,” spat Deke as he shot up.  “Danger vibes.”

“Guess our work is never done.  Can you track it on your scanner?” asked Tee, while Deke went back to his computer.

“Yep, but nothing pinpointed…just a general area.  United States.  West coast.  That’s as close as I can get it.  That’s a lot of territory.  And I can’t pick up anything specific about the threat, either.  Think it’s connected to Moustachio?  What do you think we should do?”

Tee Bone thought a moment.  “Yellow alert.  Let’s sit tight, but be ready to take action in a split second if necessary.  Maybe warm up the X-Wing, just in case.”

“Copy that,” answered Deke.  “Got your new guitar tuned up?”

“Always, man.  Always,” answered Tee Bone with a dead serious tone.

The two heroes would not be resting today.

 

California

 Edie Van Heelin’ and Fanboy Mike were in the middle of it!  A tense game of road hockey had broken out, and Mike was in the net.   Edie had never held a hockey stick before, but somehow Mike had yet to stop one of her shots.  He sweat beneath the thick heavy goalie pads.

“Time out!  Time out!” he called, removing his mask and helmet.  “The heck is going on here!”  A peacock in the driveway honked, as if calling time out.

Edie raised her stick.  She was dressed all in silver, with hot pink nails.  Her boots boasted eight inches of heels, and her long brown hair hung straight to her waist.  She hardly looked like a hockey threat, but the scoreboard didn’t lie.  Mr. Van Heelin’ laughed in his lawn chair as he marked five goals for his wife.

“The only thing going on here is that Mr. Van Heelin’ is getting cramps from laughing so hard!” answered Edie.  “I thought you were Canadian!”

“And I thought you had never played before!  Who taught you to play dirty, Brad Marchand?” panted Mike in his Leafs jersey, sporting number 88, William Nylander.  “Whose idea was this anyway?  Not mine!”

“No, it was your wife’s idea actually!” laughed Edie.  “And she knew you’d lose!”

“It was a setup from the start!” laughed Mike.  “Wait until I get home!”

It was at that moment he noticed the sky darken with shadow.  “Uh oh,” he gulped.  The shadow was perfectly saucer-shaped….

Edie covered her eyes with an impeccably manicured hand, as she looked up.  A UFO hovered overhead.  Pesky aliens, again?  Interrupting her hockey game, just as she was totally humiliating Mike?  Unfair!

“Stand back!” she beckoned to Mike as the UFO slowly landed in the middle of the street.  “I’ve handled these guys before.”

“So have I!” answered Mike.  “I’m coming with you!”  He suddenly had his energy back as the adrenaline kicked in.

The ramp to the UFO lowered slowly, dramatically.

Out stepped a shirtless, dirty, tattooed man wearing sunglasses, a crooked baseball cap, jeans, and no shoes.

“Thomas Lee Bass…” announced Edie.  “To what do we owe the pleasure this time?”  She had very little patience for Tommy Lee on the best of days.  But when he came interrupting her hockey game, it had better be important.

“Yo!  Edie Van Heelin’!  Fanboy Mike!  Duuuuudes!  So glad you could make it!” shouted Tommy as he raced in to hug them.  Edie tolerated the hug for two full seconds before pushing him away.

“OK Tommy, that’s enough.  Talk, tell us why you’re here, and then we’ll finish our little hockey game here.”

“Yo, Edie, my alien buds and I came here to warn you!”  He stopped talking.  A long pause ensued.

“Warn her of what??” prodded Mike.

“Oh yeah!  Dudes…you might wanna sit down for this,” said Tommy with surfboy seriousness.

“There are no chairs Tommy, it’s a road,” deadpanned Edie.  Tommy sat anyway.

“Dudes…Edie…I know you care about the animals, right?” asked Tommy.

“Yes, get to it, I don’t like where this is going,” prompted Edie.

“There’s this animal abuser up in Canada.  Only you can take him down.  He’s strong.  They call him ‘Tee Bone Man’.  He’s super powered, like you.  Only not as a hot, and also a dude,” blurted Tommy in a flurry of words.

Mike stepped in between Edie and Tommy.  Mr. Van Heelin’ wandered aimlessly nearby, playing Pokemon Go, ignoring the confrontation brewing in front of him.

“No no…that’s wrong.  I know Tee Bone Man.  I know those guys.  They’re good guys.  They’re heroes.  They saved me once.  You’re wrong, Tommy,” said Mike with urgency.

“Oh yeah?  Check this out!” said Tommy as he pulled a hologram projector from his pocket.  He activated the device with the flick of a button.

A holographic image flashed before them.  It was Tee Bone himself, out of costume, and relaxing at his camp.  Wait…no…he wasn’t relaxing at all.  What was he doing?  He was looking up.  There was a squirrel in the trees.  Tee Bone removed his baseball hat, and placed it in a clearing.  Then he went into the bushes, waiting.  All of this was clearly captured by hologram.  Then there was a rush of activity; the squirrel was on the ground, and Tee Bone was fighting the small creature!  It put up a hearty struggle, but was no match for the superpowered human.  Suddenly, the squirrel was locked into a rocket!  Tee Bone launched the rocket…and the recording came to an end!

 

Edie turned towards Mike.  “You know this person Mike?”  She was seriously questioning him.

“Yes, Edie, he’s the guy I spent Christmas Day with!  Remember, you flew me there!”  Mike had pleading in his voice.  Tommy just looked up and smiled.

“Dude, if you know that guy, you can tell from the recording it was him.  You can’t fake hologram recordings like you can videos, man.  This is real.”

Edie was grave.  “Mike…I’m sorry…what I see here is unacceptable.  I have to bring this man to justice, even if he is your friend.  What I saw on that recording was horrific animal abuse.  I cannot tolerate this.  I’m going to have to take him down before he does it again, if he hasn’t already.  You know how much I love Canadian squirrels…I am so sorry.”

Mike looked down at his shoes.  “I can’t believe this.  That was him.  That was Tee Bone Man.  I saw it too.”

“At least I know where he hides.  Thunder Bay, Canada, right?” asked Edie.

“Thunder Bay, Ontario, Canada,” corrected Mike, “and I’m coming with you.”

Edie shook her head.  “Too dangerous.  And you have too much at stake.  Stay here with Mr. Van Heelin’.  You can build Lego together.”  Mike cringed as Mr. Van Heelin’ explored the nearby bushes for rare Pokemon.

“I think you should stay behind, dude!” interjected Tommy.

“No way!” Mike stood his ground.  “I’m coming with her.  At least I can talk to him.  Maybe find out his side of the story.”

“His side of the story?  What reason does any sane man have to forcefully put an innocent squirrel inside a rocket and launch it?  That’s intolerable!”

“I agree,” said Mike.  “But I’m insisting this time.”

“Fine!” exclaimed an exasperated Edie.  “I better go suit up,” she said as she ran to her shoe shed for rocket boots.

Mike removed his heavy, sweaty goalie pads and hockey jersey, leaving only his Nylander T-shirt beneath.  Though cooling down, he only fretted aimlessly in the street as he waited.

“You OK there, bromingo?” asked Tommy.

“No…I’m pretty far from OK,” sighed Mike.  “This is all wrong.  Everything about this is wrong.”

Tommy Lee laughed as he climbed back up the ramp of his UFO.  “Later dudes!” he cackled as the hatch sealed shut.

Edie re-emerged just as Tommy’s UFO was lifting off with a burst of light.  She was now dressed geared up in her matching silver rocket boots.  She wielded her favourite red guitar.  She was ready for action.  Without a word, a very tense Mike climbed on her back and the pair took off into the northern skies.

Thunder Bay 

 “We have movement,” shouted Deke across the room.  “Whatever the threat is, it’s mobile.”

Tee Bone Man was fully suited up, cape and guitar at the ready for immediate action.  His body was taut and his brow was furrowed in concern.  “Heading?” he asked.

Deke studied the data on his screen, pinching the spot on his nose between the eyes to help focus.  They had been on alert for hours.

“Looks like…heading is North-East.”  He turned to look at his friend.  “On course for Thunder Bay…”

Tee Bone paced the floor.  “Well, at least we don’t have to go anywhere this time.  How much time do we have?”

Studying the data some more, Deke estimated roughly four hours.  “Which gives us plenty of time to fortify and prepare a defense,” added Deke.

Tee Bone nodded.  “Do it.  I want all the blast shields down over every window.  I want emergency power fully charged.  Get your bike fueled up, with all the weapon hardpoints armed and loaded.  And I want the finest Scotch we have ready for action.  Stewart’s brand.”

“On it!” shouted Deke in the affirmative.  “What will you be doing?”

“I’m going out to patrol,” said a grim Tee Bone Man.  He picked up his new stealth-black guitar and held it like an axe.  “Keep in touch,” he instructed Deke.  “Let me know of any changes.”

“Of course…I’m not new here, man!” joked Deke, which helped cut the tension.  “Where’s Ripper?”

“In his room, listening to Led Zeppelin,” answered Tee.

Tee Bone headed out the main entrance.  A blast door slammed shut behind him.  Today was, at least, a nice day in Thunder Bay.  The sky was blue, scattered with crisp, wispy white clouds.  The birds chirped away, completely oblivious to the threat heading their way.  Tee Bone walked nervous, his eyes on the sky, listening with intent to every sound.  Who could this threat be?  They had enough enemies.  Couldn’t be the Martians, or they wouldn’t be coming here from the west coast.  They’d already be here.  Couldn’t be Billy Sheehan, Deke’s nemesis “Common Knowledge”.  He’s on tour in Europe.  Brad Marchand is in Boston.  Their list of foes was dwindling as he counted them off.

Deke buzzed him on the radio.  Tee Bone noticed the blast shields were now down as he answered.  “What’s up, pal?” he responded.

“That thing is picking up speed.  I figure we only have an hour left,” he warned.

“Alright buddy.  It’s quiet out here.”  Tee Bone scanned the skies once more.  “Maybe a little too quiet.”

Too quiet indeed.  Where were the birds?  Gone….

“All the children in the distant house, they have feelings only children know!” sang Tee Bone.  “But the lover whose bird has flown, catches nothing only flakes of snow!”  The Deep Purple classic rang through the trees, but the birds remained silent.

“I have a bad feeling about this,” murmured Tee Bone.  “This is all so damn peculiar.  Nothing makes sense.”

Time crawled by.  Deke remained inside, minding the scanners.  The threat was steadily approaching now.  It would not be long.

Tee Bone Man’s radio buzzed.  “Any second now,” warned Superdekes.  “I expect you’ll be hearing a sonic boom soon.”

“Copy that,” answered Tee Bone Man.  “Stay put for now, and keep an eye on everything!”

Suddenly, the sky cracked with a thunderous cannonade, and a bright flash overhead.  A strand of silver in the sky could be seen, sleek and fast, and coming in hot.

“Visual contact established!” shouted Tee Bone Man into his radio.  “Red alert!”  He was poised, with his guitar in the attack position.  He reached into his pocket for a flask, and poured his strongest Scotch into the instrument.  It glowed and buzzed with electric energy.  The hum was audible.  Tee Bone was ready.

Then, with a loud BOOM, a cloud of dust exploded on the ground, a mere fifty meters away!  With every fiber on alert, Tee Bone was like a runner, ready to sprint into action.  He breathed deep and steady as he waited for the dust to clear.

He could not believe his eyes.  Before him was a woman dressed entirely in silver, bearing a red guitar, and perfectly straight long brown hair.  Even after that power landing, her hair was salon-perfect while her silver skirt remained un-mussed.  A figure jumped off her back, and landed beside her.  The pair began walking towards Tee Bone Man, with the woman in silver in front and the other figure, a bearded man, trailing behind.

“Stop and identify yourselves!” commanded Tee Bone.  “This is private property and we just had the lawn maintained!”

The woman was not slowing down.  “Tee Bone Man, I presume?” she asked with an aggressive tone.

 

“The same,” he answered.  “And who might you be?”  Then he squinted as he focused on the man.  “Brainiac??  Is that you?”

“Hey, Tee,” answered Mike with a sullen heart.

The woman turned to Mike with an eyebrow raised.  “‘Brainiac’?  They call you Brainiac instead of Mike?”

“Long story, Edie,” he answered.  “I always beat them at music trivia.”

“Them?” she asked.

“Yes, there’s two of them.  Superdekes will be inside, keeping tabs on us,” he responded.

“You haven’t answered my question!” reminded Tee Bone Man.  “Who are you again?”

The woman walked right up to him.  Though Tee Bone Man was several inches taller, Edie Van Heelin’s boots enabled her to look him right in the eye.

“The name’s Edie Van Heelin’.  I see you know Fanboy Mike.”

Tee Bone removed his glasses.  “‘Fanboy Mike’?  You call him Fanboy Mike?”  He turned to look at the Brainiac.  “I feel like you’ve had a whole other life we didn’t know about!”

Edie piped up.  “He’s my partner, and we’ve come to bring you to justice, Tee Bone Man.”

The radio buzzed.  “What’s going on out there man, check in…” said Superdekes over the airwaves.

Tee Bone buzzed him back.  “It’s OK.  Sit tight.  Brainiac is here with a friend of his.  I got this.”  The radio squawked with surprise from Deke before Tee Bone killed the transmission.  He then returned his attention to Edie.  “Justice for what, exactly?  I’ve heard of you, by the way.  I’ve seen your band on Youtube.  You are a brilliant guitar player, and I’d like to jam with you when this is over.  But seriously, do you know who I am, and what we do here!?  We are not your enemies.”

“I tried to explain…” interjected Mike, but Edie was not backing down.

“I know you abuse animals!” she shot like bullets.  “We’ve seen a holographic recording.  We know what happened at your camp!” revealed Edie Van Heelin’.

Tee Bone’s jaw dropped.  Camp!  Why did everything always have to go back to that vacation, at camp?  That damned squirrel…Ripper, now his friend…once his tormentor.

Tee Bone put down his guitar and raised his hands in mock surrender.  “OK, OK, I get it.  We have a severe misunderstanding here.”

“A misunderstanding?”  Edie was furious now.  Mike the Brainiac began unconsciously backing up, one small step at a time.  The tension was palpable.  Edie was still in command of the situation, questioning Tee Bone Man hard.  “We saw a recording of you attacking a squirrel, locking it into a rocket, and launching into who knows where!  Do you deny it?”

Tee Bone shrugged.  “Well, no, that did happen,” he acknowledged.

Edie smirked.  “That’s all I needed to know.”

“Edie, no!” shouted Mike, but it was too late.

Igniting her rocket boots, Edie Van Halen shot directly into Tee Bone Man, tackling him off his feet, and into the air!  His black stealth guitar lay on the ground, where Mike was now standing alone.  He watched the contrails as Edie rocketed Tee Bone Man far away from Deke’s Palace and all its defenses.

Mike kicked the dirt in frustration.  “Smart move,” he grumbled.  “I’d better go talk to Deke.”  He picked up Tee Bone Man’s guitar and ran towards the Palace entrance, now that Edie and Tee were completely out of sight.

 Over the skies of Thunder Bay, a mighty battle was taking place.

An unarmed Tee Bone Man was being carried by the cape, across the sky, by a rocket-powered Edie Van Heelin’.

“I’ll show you what we do with animal abusers!” she warned him as she wound up and threw him into a patch of tall trees.  Tee Bone Man hit the trunk of one tree hard.  He moaned aloud, and fell to the ground limp.  Edie Van Heelin’ landed a short distance away.  “You have two choices.  You can surrender now, and I turn you into the authorities.  Or, you can keep on getting your butt kicked by a girl.  Up to you.”

Tee Bone wiped a splash of blood off his lower lip.  “Well, I’m not what you’d call a masochist, but I’m also not one for giving up so easily.”  Then he winked at her.  “Catch.”

“Catch what?” she asked, just as Tee Bone threw his radio right at her head.  Distracted, she swatted it away, but it was too late.  Tee Bone was airborne and getting away.

“Aw, heck!” said Edie as she ignited her rocket boots in pursuit.

Back at Deke’s Palace, Mike and Deke sat nervously by the radio.

“Come in Tee Bone Man!  Come in Tee Bone Man!” said Deke urgently.  He turned to Mike.  “Nothing.  Channel is dead.”

Mike was sweating.  “This day could not have gone any worse!”

“You wanna start from the beginning again?” asked Superdekes.  “What the hell is going on here!  Something about the squirrel?”

“That’s right,” answered Mike.  “Tommy Lee showed us a holographic recording.  Tee Bone attacked a squirrel, put him in a rocket, and fired him off somewhere.  It was not a pretty video, Deke.  Tee Bone looked insane!  And Edie has zero tolerance for animal abusers.  That’s her passion.  Even more than music.”

Deke knew part of this story already.  Camp…Tee Bone’s sanity frayed…that pesky squirrel driving him to the breaking point.  But he also knew that the squirrel, now known as Ripper, was safe and sound in his room.  Deke turned back to Mike.

“So all this time we’ve known you, you’ve had a secret life as a sidekick to a superhero?” questioned Deke.

“Well, no, not all this time.  It’s a fairly recent thing.  But yes, we’ve had plenty of adventures so far.  And she’s a rock star too.  Wolfgang Van Halen is producing her debut album.”

“And how powerful is she?” continued Deke, impressed but focused on the task.

“Very,” said Mike grimly.  “She’s a match for Tee Bone Man.  I don’t know her whole origin story yet, but when she has those rocket boots on she’s unstoppable.  Her guitar is a weapon, similar to Tee’s.  But where she has the edge, and where Tee Bone Man is in serious trouble, is that she can communicate with animals.  She could summon a dozen skunks and command them to attack.  She’s done it before.”

“Ewwww!” said Deke.  “Shit, I say no to that!”  He then stood up and made his way to the garage.  “Still, if she’s more than a match for Tee Bone, then it’s time Tee Bone had some backup.  I’ll be on my flying motorcycle.  You mind the Palace.  Don’t let any animals in.  Understand?”

“Roger roger,” answered Mike as he handed Tee Bone Man’s guitar over to Deke.  “He’ll be needing this.”  Mike sat at the security monitors and spoke with concern.  “Deke…don’t hurt her.  Please.”  Deke nodded affirmative as he left the room.  But Deke didn’t know if he would be able to keep that promise.  He put his helmet on and mounted his flying bike.  It was go time!

Moments later, and with a mighty blast, Mike heard Deke take to the skies.  He sighed.

“It’s all out of my hands now,” said a despondent Mike as his slouched into his chair.

Tee Bone Man was flying as fast he could, but Edie was still gaining on him.

“Last warning!” she announced.  As she pursued, she took steady aim with her bright red guitar.  With an arpeggio of perfect notes, she sent a sonic blast right at Tee Bone Man.  It hit him square on the back and he shuddered as he struggled to maintain flight.

“I felt that one!” said Tee Bone Man to himself.  “This is great…no radio, no guitar, no Superdekes, and I’m being pursued by an obsessed woman in a silver dress…on any other day, that wouldn’t be so bad!”

He took evasive action, now diving towards the trees.  Edie was right behind him.  She took another shot with her guitar, crunchy power chords, but they impacted the tree canopy as Tee Bone took cover beneath.

Edie landed in the forest, unable to see Tee Bone Man.  She looked around and raised her arms.

“Canadian raccoons!  To my side!”

In moments, a gaze of raccoons was gathering at her silver-clad feet.  Edie instructed the raccoons.

“There’s a bad man in these woods!  Tell me where he is, but do not engage!” she commanded.  The raccoons obeyed and scattered.  Edie waited.  And waited.  Suddenly, she heard the cry of the raccoons, alerting her that Tee Bone Man was just a little further south.  Edie set off in pursuit, following the sound of the raccoons.

Through the trees, she heard rockets.  She saw only fleeting glimpses, but intuited that this must be the infamous Superdekes, Tee Bone Man’s partner.  “Partner in animal abuse,” she spat.

Surely enough, Deke was now on the ground, on his motorcycle, directly in her path and roaring her way.  Edie stood at the ready, guitar aimed right at Superdekes’ helmet.  Deke slowed, raised his arms, and dismounted his bike.

“It’s OK lady, I’m not going to hurt you.  Edie Van Heelin’, right?”

Edie laughed.  “Hurt me?  Unlikely my friend.  You must be Superdekes.  Do you stand with animal abusers?”  She was visibly angry.

Deke removed his helmet, revealing his aged, battle-rugged but wise features.  “I stand with my friend,” he announced.  “But you only have half the story.”

“I don’t care.  I saw what he did, and he admitted it.  Stand with your friend, fall with your friend,” she warned.  Edie placed her silver fingertips on the fretboard and pulled off some impressive two-handed tapping.  The sound wave rippled towards Superdekes…where it dissipated harmlessly around him.  Deke smiled.

“My newest gadget.  Electronic sound baffles.  I designed this for my arch enemy, a bassist.  But it can nullify guitar frequencies just as easily.  You can’t hurt me with that, Edie,” boasted Deke.

Edie was unphased.  “I don’t have to.  Canadian blue jays!  Attack!”  Edie pointed right at Deke, just as a formation of four blue jays dive-bombed him.  Deke got his helmet back on just in time, as it was doused in gross blue jay poo.  Largely harmless, but the attack bought Edie time enough to escape.

“Those would have been porcupines if you weren’t friends with Mike!” she warned.  Igniting her rocket boots, Edie soared once again over the treeline.  She hovered, searching for Tee Bone Man, who was nowhere to be seen.

“Tee Bone Man!  Show yourself and finish this!” she commanded.

Moments later, a streak of colour could be seen in the sky.  It was Tee Bone Man, returned to battle.  And he had his guitar this time.  With his trademark Van Halen mask over his face, Tee Bone Man spoke.

“We have more in common than you think, Mrs. Van Heelin’,” he cautioned.  “This doesn’t have to go this way.”

Edie faced him, fiercely, one more time.  “I don’t think you quite understand, Tee Bone Man.  Nothing is more important to me than the safety of the animals.  I saw what you did, and you admitted it.  There’s nothing more to discuss.  Surrender.  You are breaking Fanboy Mike’s heart.”

“Leave the Brainiac out of this,” advised Tee Bone Man.  “You don’t know what really happened at camp!”

Edie placed her silver nail on her lips.  “OK.  Fine.  Convince me.  You have 60 seconds.”

Tee Bone Man took a deep breath and tried to explain.  “Last summer at camp…there was a squirrel.  The one you saw on your recording.  A recording that I did not know existed, and when this is over, we need to look at who was responsible for making it.  Why they were spying on me on my vacation.”

“You’re wasting time,” noted Edie as she pointed to her watch.

“That squirrel, Ripper, engaged in a combination of harassment and psychological warfare with me…he broke my sanity with his constant, non-stop attacks at camp.  I was not in control of my faculties.   I did not hurt him.  It was the opposite!  And he is safe now, I only shot him off to Australia…”

Edie interrupted.  “Australia?  You monster!”

“I’m telling you, I had no other choice!  It was him or me.  That squirrel is not what he seems!”

Edie made mock crying motions with her hands.  “Aww, poor Tee Bone Man was harassed by a squirrel!  Cry me a river!  Sorry, Tee Bone Man…this is not good enough.  Not for me!”  She raised her guitar, chugged a riff out with some serious right hand picking, and blasted him full force in the chest.  It sent him tumbling, but Tee Bone Man recovered quickly and moved into attack position.

“Hey Edie!” shouted Tee Bone.  “Have you met my friend Superdekes yet?”  Edie looked puzzled, just as a volley of sonic bursts exploded right behind her.  It was Superdekes on his flying bike, and he was unloading everything he had.

“Better climb!” shouted Edie as she hit the afterburners on her boots.  She rocketed out of range, leaving a contrail in her wake.

“Follow the contrail!” advised Superdekes, as Tee Bone roared in pursuit.

Tee Bone took aim with his own guitar, and sent a blast Edie’s way.  She was too fast.  With her afterburners on, she was able to break the sound barrier, and outrun anything he threw at her.  But Edie could not keep the afterburners on forever!

Edie, fleeing at top speed, heard a beeping in her earpiece and noticed her fuel was alarmingly low.  She only had about 10 minutes of flight left, at best.  Less if she maintained this velocity.

“Chances are I can refuel back at their headquarters, if I can beat them there, and if Mike will help me get inside,” thought Edie.  “That’s a big ‘if’.”  She changed course.  Heading:  Deke’s Palace.

 

 Back at the Palace, Mike was glued to the screens.  He was joined by Ripper, seated on the control desk and eating acorns from his hand.  Ripper munched, and looked up at the Brainiac.

“Squee?” inquired Ripper.

“Sorry buddy,” answered the Brainiac.  “I don’t speak squirrel.  But if you’re worried about Tee Bone and Superdekes, so am I.”

Mike’s earpiece, given to him by Edie, buzzed.

“Mike!  Mike!  Are you there?  I’m heading your way.  Out of fuel.  Need your help to fuel up.  They must have rocket fuel there, for the flying bike.”

Mike answered excitedly.  “Yes!  Yes there is, in Deke’s garage here.  Are you OK?”

“Don’t worry about me, get the fuel ready!  I’m inbound now – 60 seconds to landing!”

 

Mike didn’t know what to do!  By helping Edie, he could be dooming Deke and Tee.  By not helping Edie, he could be putting her in terrible danger.  Ripper looked up at him with pleading in his eyes.  He didn’t want anyone to get hurt.

Then an idea struck.  “Wait a minute…I might not be able to speak squirrel…but I do know someone who can!  Come on, Ripper!  I can only hope that the truth of the story exonerates Tee Bone, but you will have to tell Edie Van Heelin’ what really happened at camp!”  Ripper nodded yes eagerly, and climbed up Brainiac’s arm onto his shoulder.

“Come on…let’s go outside and meet her there.”

At that exact moment, Edie Van Heelin’ came to a crash landing right at the garage doors!

“Edie!  Edie!  You OK!”

Edie sat in the dirt and wiped the dust off her silver skirt.  “I’m good, I’m good…rough landing…ran out of juice about 20 seconds ago and had to improvise a crash landing.  You have the fuel?”

Mike hesitated.  “Yes…and I have something else too.  Someone else.”  Edie noticed Ripper standing at attention on Mike’s shoulder.

Edie’s face suddenly softened as she saw the animal.

“Awwww!  Who’s this?!  You cutie!  Canadian squirrels are simply too adorable!”

Mike did the introductions.

“Edie, this is Ripper.  Ripper, this is Edie.  Edie, Ripper has something he needs to tell you.”

A short distance away, both Tee Bone Man and Superdekes came to quiet landings.  They watched from a safe distance as Ripper ran down Mike’s arm, and up onto Edie’s silver dress.

“Oh, careful with the claws little guy!  Tickles,” she laughed as Ripper stepped close to her ear.  “Mike, fuel the boots!”

Mike did as he was asked, even as he hoped and prayed this conflict would end here and now.  He attached a nozzle to Edie’s left boot.  Seeing Tee Bone and Deke holding their positions, he nodded to them that everything was alright.  He looked up.  “Come on Ripper.  Out with it.  Tell her.”

Edie listened as Ripper spoke in squirrel language.  All Mike could hear was squee-squee-squee.  To Edie, it was plain as English.

“Hi Edie, I really like your dress,” said Ripper into her ear.  “But you don’t understand.  Tee Bone Man didn’t hurt me.  He saved me!”

Edie was puzzled.  “Saved you how?  I saw the recording.  He attacked you and tossed you into a rocket like a test animal from the 1950s!”

“I deserved it Edie!” screeched Ripper.  “What Tee Bone did was a favour!  He arrived at camp, and I harassed him harder than I have ever tortured a human.  I dropped poop on his head!  I kept him awake all night!  I nearly gave him a heart attack!  I literally drove him insane!  But rather than kill me, which he could have done if he wanted to, he launched me in a rocket to Australia.  It was there I met Harrison Holden…they call him El Moustachio.  Moustachio showed me kindness.  He was the first human to treat me as a friend and not a pest.  My life changed that day!  Harrison saved me.  And it would not have happened if Tee Bone did not launch me in a rocket.  That is the truth.  He is not a bad guy.  He is the good guy.  You have everything all wrong, Edie!  As you know, we squirrels cannot tell a lie.  Our brains are simply not complex enough to comprehend a lie.  Please Edie…call it off.  Call it off.”

Edie noticed that Tee Bone Man and Superdekes had joined them.

“What did he tell you, Edie”? asked Tee Bone.

“He told me it wasn’t your fault.  That you actually helped him.  That you showed him mercy when you did not have to,” answered Edie with relief in her voice.

Tee Bone Man nodded.  “It’s true.  All of it.”

Superdekes extended a hand.  “Truce?”

Edie looked down at his hand, paused a moment, and embraced it.  “Truce,” she responded.

“Keep the rocket fuel,” winked Deke.

“I only fueled up one boot,” advised Mike.  “Don’t leave without fueling up the other or it’ll be an awkward flight home!”

Edie faced Tee Bone Man and Superdekes.  “Boys…I am so sorry about this…”

Tee Bone raised his hand, and Edie stopped.

“I understand.  You don’t need to explain.  I get it; I am an animal lover too.  We all are.  Living in Thunder Bay, we are always surrounded by nature.”

“Yeah,” continued Deke.  “I’d never hurt an animal Edie.”

“It’s beautiful here!” exclaimed Edie.  “I could live here.  This is paradise!”

Mike took a deep breath and sighed in relief.  “I’m glad this is over!  This has been the most stressful day of my life!”

“Thanks for sorting this one out, Fanboy,” answered Edie.  “Glad to have you by my side on this one.”  She smiled a deep smile and hugged her friend.

Tee Bone pointed his finger back and forth at the pair.  “So how do you know each other again?  Van Heelin’ is based out of California, are they not?  How’d you meet?” asked Tee, referring to Edie’s Van Halen tribute band.

“It’s a long story…” started Edie.

“I was drooling all over her after a club gig,” interrupted Mike.  “She must have thought I resembled a puppy dog or something, because we’ve been friends ever since.”  Edie smiled back at him.

“Well, I remember it somewhat differently,” she chuckled.  “You were very flattering and respectful.”

“Flattery is one word for it…” mumbled Mike under his breath.

Tee Bone Man stepped in.  “Now that we’ve got this situation under control, we need to start asking some bigger questions.  Come on…let’s go inside.  You drink Scotch, Edie?”

Edie laughed.  “Never!”  Tee Bone and Superdekes both dropped their jaws.  “But I sure could go for a hot tea.  You boys have tea this far north?”

Deke nodded affirmative.  “Sure do.  Brainiac here has been drinking tea on his recent visits, in fact.”

“Gee, I wonder why that would be?” said Mike as he nudged Edie in the side.

The group of four humans and one squirrel headed inside Deke’s Palace, just as the sun began to set.

 “Green tea with local honey, as ordered!” said Deke as he presented Edie with a steaming hot cup.  “Careful with that!” he advised.

Tee Bone entered the room, having changed from his cape and costume.  He was now wearing a Habs jersey, jeans, and his favourite Iron Maiden socks.  Deke took a seat in his armchair, while Mike and Edie shared a chaise lounge.  Ripper sat upon Edie’s shoulder.

 

“So, here’s what we know so far,” began Tee Bone.  “You two were shown a selectively edited holographic recording.  It showed you the last few moments of what happened at camp last summer.  That alone suggested to me, this was all a setup.  Someone with access to high technology was spying on me, and used this information to send you two here to take me down.  That’s alarming.  Who do we know with this kind of technology?”

Deke shook his head.  “Not Common Knowledge.  He’d be lost with that kind of tech.”

“And definitely not Marchand,” added  Tee.

Edie shot up off the lounge.  “Shinzon!”

“Who?” asked Tee Bone and Superdekes simultaneously.

Mike explained.  “Shinzon.  He’s an Australian clone that we ran into a short while ago.  Remember the worldwide Lego disappearance?”  Everyone nodded yes.  A worldwide Lego disappearance isn’t easily forgotten.  “That was all Shinzon, and he had crazy tech!” finished the Brainiac.

“Do you have a picture of this Shinzon, Brainiac?” asked Tee Bone.

“I do!” answered Mike as he reached for his phone.

“When were you taking pictures on that mission, Mike??” asked Edie.

“I’m always documenting all our adventures, Edie!” answered the Brainiac.  “One day, I’m going to write everything down and post all our adventures on a website for people to read.”  He paused as he scrolled.  “Here.  Shinzon.  That’s him at the Toys R Us store where we first encountered him.”  Mike handed the phone over to Tee Bone, who removed his glasses to take a closer look.

“Dear God!  Look at this, Superdekes!”  He brought the phone over to Deke.

“No way,” said Deke as he stared.  “He looks exactly like Moustachio!”

It suddenly clicked for Mike.  “Moustachio!  The Australian guy I met here at your Christmas party!  You’re right!”

Deke put two pictures up on the big screens, side by side to compare.  On the left, Harrison Holden, Australian and moustached.  On the right, an identical face, equally Australian, only baby-smooth and hairless!

Edie leaned in to whisper in Mike’s ear.  “Notice they both have the same silky smooth hair?”

“I did notice that!” Mike whispered back.

“I’ll be back,” said Deke as he excused himself momentarily.

“The hell is going on here?!” exclaimed Tee Bone.  “Who would create an evil opposite clone of Moustachio?  What does he want with us?  How does Tommy Lee fit into all this?”

Ripper said something into Edie’s ear.  “I concur, Ripper.”  She faced the group.  “Guys, what Ripper is saying makes sense.  He says it must have been a setup!  He says Shinzon clearly wanted us to battle each other, to take one or both of us out at the same time.  Shinzon obviously gave that tech to Tommy Lee, to give to me.  Tommy has been a recurring problem in our lives,” said Edie as Mike made a face, remembering Tommy Lee’s “Bouncy Castle”.  Edie continued the story.  “Shinzon has been repeatedly targeting Mike and I for some time now.  He’s clearly in league with Tommy Lee, and Lee is not to be trusted.  In fact we have to assume all of Motley Crue is compromised.”

“Not Mick Mars,” corrected Tee Bone Man.  “He’s out of the band now.”

“OK,” said Edie.  “Thanks for clarification.”

Mike stepped up now.  “Here’s the thing.  We think Shinzon is working for someone else.  Someone higher up the food chain.  Someone providing him with all this tech.”

“You mean this kind of tech?” asked Deke as he returned to the room.  In his hands was some kind of sophisticated camera.  “Look what I found in the trees.”  He dropped it on the coffee table in the center of the room.

“What is it?” asked Edie.

“That, Mrs. Van Heelin’, is a holographic recorder.  Just like the one they would have been using at Tee Bone’s camp.  This is how they got the recording.  This one has probably been in the trees since at least last summer.”

Nobody spoke as the weight of all this fell on them.  Finally, Edie broke the silence.

“In a way, I’m relieved.  Mike and I are no longer in this alone,” she said.

“That’s right!” exclaimed Mike as he stood.  “Shinzon wanted you two to take each other down, but the opposite has happened!  Instead, he has joined us together!”

The realization set in across the room.

“A super team…” pondered Edie.

“United in purpose…” added Mike.

“With technology equal to any that they have!” said Deke.

“What should we call ourselves?” asked Tee Bone.

“How about…the Northern Lights?” suggested Mike.

“But I’m not Canadian!” protested Edie.

“Yes you are…you are Canadian at heart, right guys?”  The whole group, even Ripper, nodded yes.

“The Northern Lights!  I like it!” said Tee Bone Man.  He then turned towards Edie.  “I believe I promised you a jam, my new friend.”

“Heck yeah!” said Edie with excitement.  “How about some Van Halen?”

Tee Bone went to go retrieve the guitars.  “I can do some Van Halen.  Got any songs in mind?”

“My theme song!” said Edie.  “‘Drop Dead Legs’!”

Tee Bone winked.  “Perfect!  Let’s rock!”

The two rocked out the main riff, and Edie stepped up to the microphone.

“Drop dead legs, pretty smile!  Hurts my head, gets me wild!  Dig that steam, giant butt…”

Mike laughed at that line, jumped up, and joined in on lead vocals.

“…Makes me scream, I get nuh-nuh-nothing but the shakes over you! And nothing else could ever do!”

Deke and Ripper pounded their fists and paws from the comfort of their chairs while an awesome jam session went down right there in Deke’s Palace.

The powers of evil had best take warning, now that the Northern Lights were on the watch!

 

Epilogue

 From his hideout in space, Shinzon dreaded making the call he was about to make.  That he had to make.  He had no choice but to make.  He hit the transmit button.

“Shinzon to HQ.  Shinzon to HQ.  Come in.  Is he there?”

The communications crackled.

“Report, Shinzon,” came a distorted voice.

“Everything’s fine here, everything’s normal.  How are you?” squeaked Shinzon.

“Did your messenger boy Lee deliver the hologram to the Van Heelin’ woman?” asked the voice.

“He sure did,” answered Shinzon, without going further.  He would not be getting off so easy this time.

“And??” questioned the impatient voice.

Shinzon attempted to placate the voice.  “Well, just as you predicted, she took the bait.  She faced Tee Bone Man.  Just like you said she would.”

“Stop stalling Shinzon!  Report in full or I shall have your shoulders relieved of that lump you call a head!”

“Well…ummm…this is where reality departs from the story we hoped to tell.  They fought, but we didn’t count on interference from the Fanboy.  He brokered a truce between them…they formed an alliance…and that is where my surveillance ends, as Superdekes found my recording device.”

There was nothing but static from the communications console.  Finally, after an agonizingly long wait, the voice spoke again.

“They formed an alliance.”

Shinzon gulped.  “Yes my Lord.”

“Come see me.  Immediately.”  The channel went dead.

Shinzon was in deep doo doo this time.

“I’ll avenge myself upon you, Fanboy Mike, Edie Van Heelin’ and Tee Bone Man,” he murmured to himself.  “This is not over.  In fact, it is only the beginning.”

NEXT TIME…THE MULTIVERSE SAGA BEGINS WITH SHINZON:  ORIGINS!

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA

Chapter Zero:  Tee Bone Man – Origins (by LeBrain)

Chapter One: A Friend in Need (by LeBrain)

Chapter Two: Hell Freezes Over (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Three: Hell Ain’t A Bad Place to Be (by LeBrain)

Chapter Four: Tee Bone Man and the Rink of…Doom? (by Aaron KMA)

Chapter Five: The Super Duper Vault (by John T. Snow)

Chapter Six: Tee Bone Man Goes to Camp (by LeBrain)

Chapter Seven:  The Revenge of Common Knowledge (by LeBrain)

Chapter Eight:  Tee Bone & Deke’s Time Travelling Adventure (by 80sMetalMan)

Chapter Nine:  Castle Communications (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Ten:  The Case of the Lost Iron Maiden Socks (by LeBrain)

Chapter Eleven:  A Tee Bone Man Christmas (by all five of us)

Chapter Twelve:  Lost In Space (by John T. Snow)

Chapter Thirteen:  Clip Show (by LeBrain)

Chapter Fourteen:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Discover the Tao (An Intermission) (By Aaron KMA)

Chapter Fifteen: Status Acoustic – The Really Big Deal (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Sixteen:  A Crazy Crazy Night (part 1) (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Sixteen:  A Crazy Crazy Night (part 2) (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Sixteen:  A Crazy Crazy Night (part 3) (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Seventeen:  Tee Bone Man vs. Edie Van Heelin’ (by LeBrain)

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

Chapter Eighteen:  Shinzon – Origins (By LeBrain) Coming next month

Noirison Part One (By Holen) Coming soon

Rock and Roll Heaven (by 80sMetalMan) TBA

Shinzon – Dread and the Fugitive Mind (By Harrison Kopp) TBA

“Plan B” (By LeBrain) TBA

“Plan D” (By LeBrain) TBA

 

THE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie vs. Tommy Lee in the Bouncy Castle of Doom! (By LeBrain)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie and the Quest for the Lost Lego (By LeBrain with Harrison Kopp)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation (By LeBrain)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation Part 2 (By LeBrain & California Girl)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie Meets the Wolf (by LeBrain)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie’s Winter Vacation (By LeBrain & California Girl)

 

 

THE WRITER’S ROOM

The Writer’s Room: Chapter One

The Writer’s Room:  It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like a Tee Bone Man Christmas

The Writer’s Room:  Welcome to the Writer’s Room!

The Writer’s Room:  Empty Room

 

 

 

 

Final note from the author

Dear readers,

In early 2022, I wanted to get into writing more fiction, and also wanted to thank Troy Erickson for his tireless work providing music and artwork for the LeBrain Train (and later Grab A Stack of Rock).  In gratitude, I decided to write a story for him, with Troy as a superhero!  I came up with the idea of “Tee Bone Man” and his partner Superdekes.  This was loosely based on a comic book my friends and I worked on in highschool called Brett-Lore.  We created fictional science fiction versions of ourselves, and passed the book around, allowing different kids to write the next pages.  Tee Bone Man isn’t that different in conception.  It started with just one, but seven authors have contributed to date, with the amazing Harrison Kopp behind all the incredible Lego artwork.

Brett-Lore

I used to say that Chapter Six, Tee Bone Goes to Camp, was my best work.  It has now been supplanted.  I am so proud of Tee Bone Vs. Edie!  This was my favourite to write, a real pet project for me.  It’s my favourite to re-read, and I think it has some of Harrison’s greatest artwork.  It’s like he reached into my mind and created what I was seeing!  I don’t know how he does it, but he did it.  What a way to wrap up the Squirrel Saga – full circle!  Hard to believe that a goofy gimmick I cooked up over a year ago (Tee Bone vs. nature, and nature manifesting as a pesky little squirrel) turned into an entire saga of connected stories.  I enjoyed playing with Tee Bone’s sanity, and that little rodent absolutely destroyed him!  It was so fun to write.

It was Harrison that named the squirrel “Ripper” and envisioned him as a new friend and ally for Moustachio.  He first hinted at this with a satchel full of acorns in Chapter Nine:  Castle Communications.  Did you catch that?   He even foreshadowed Ripper’s future importance in the story art for Chapter Seven:  The Revenge of Common Knowledge.  How many of you picked up on that?

In August 2022, I conceived of the Edie Van Heelin’ character, and then refined her with the California Girl over a series of prototypical stories.  At first, these were intended to take place in a standalone universe, but I quickly abandoned that idea and began plotting her eventual crossover with Tee Bone Man.  This was foreshadowed for the first time within the Tee Bone Man stories in Chapter Eleven:  A Tee Bone Man Christmas, when my character the Brainiac was brought home by a mysterious woman in rocket boots.  The rocket boots were always California Girl’s idea.  Given her real-life love of wild animals, it was only logical to have her super power be the ability to talk them.  Immediately, it made sense to use this as a way to wrap up the Squirrel Saga, and also to introduce the idea of crossovers for the upcoming Multiverse Saga we’re cooking up.

The Squirrel Saga took 15 months to fully unfold.  The elements we’re preparing for the Multiverse Saga are going to take even longer to play out.  Strap yourselves in, folks.  Things are about to get much, much bigger.

Harrison has been buying the Lego sets needed to create the upcoming artwork out of pocket.  I have also started buying parts to assist with the artwork.  If you want to help us fund these future Tee Bone Man stories, it sure would be cool if you bought a mug, sticker, shirt, magnet, or anything you prefer.  The link is below.  I’ll make sure Harrison gets his cut.

Writing these stories has been an amazing experience for so many reasons.  One, it is a privilege to bring in guys like John Snow, Aaron, and the 80s Metal Man and see what kind of stories they can cook up with these characters.  With Harrison at the table in stories and art, we have a pretty incredible group of guys here.  Each one has his own style.  And now Holen is at the table too, bringing in a noir slant from an alternate universe.  (Look for “Noirison”, part one, coming soon.)  Another reason I’m so lucky is the ability to express myself in a completely different way.  As you will see with some of the upcoming stories, I am writing with passion like never before!

But hopefully, also still fun.  Adventures with a rock and roll / heavy metal foundation are what I brought into Brett-Lore 34 years ago, and that’s what Tee Bone Man always will be at its core.  The things we are planning with the Multiverse Saga will shock, amaze, and amuse, all while delivering the mindblowing Lego art you’re used to.  We can’t wait for you to read it.  It all kicks off next month with Chapter Nineteen:  Shinzon – Origins!

I sincerely love everyone who has ever read a Tee Bone Man or Edie Van Heelin’ story.  Thank you for spending your time with us.

 

Mike “LeBrain” Ladano

GET YOUR TEE BONE MAN VS EDIE VAN HEELIN’ SHIRTS & MERCH AT THE TEEPUBLIC STORE!

 

The Writer’s Room: Empty Room

The Writer’s Room: Empty Room

From the Adventures of Tee Bone Man & Edie Van Heelin’

Mike sat alone, the lights dimmed, head in hands.  How could things have been going so very well, and then suddenly, so very wrong?

He sincerely believed he had surrounded himself with some of the best talent and support there was.  He valued the always reliable Harrison, his co-writer and artist that they called the Mad Metal Man.  There was Snowman, 80s Metal Man, and Aaron all on his team.  The writer’s room had just expanded to include two new members by remote conference: Holen and the California Girl known as MarriedandHeels.  And now…

“I can’t believe she’s gone,” lamented Mike, staring at the blank screen in front of him.

His coffee had grown cold and his head ached from the strain.  Before him was a blank page with just a title.  “California Girls’s notes – The Adventures Of Edie Van Heelin'”.  A teardrop hit the page.  Mike suddenly and furiously balled up the sheet of paper and launched it into the waste bin.

“How did it go from so very right, to so terrible wrong, so fast?” he asked the empty room.  The room only echoed his question back at him.

They were such good friends.  They worked so well together.  Edie was Mike’s creation, but it was the California Girl who made the character come to life.  Without her input, the character lay flat on the page; no colour, no personality, no joy.

“No green peach tea…no watermelon honey…” sighed Mike.  He had no idea what she was drinking these days.  Those kinds of details couldn’t be made up.  They could only come from her.

Hunched over the table, uncontrollably, he began sobbing.

There was a knock at the door, and Harrison poked his Australian head in.

“I’m sorry to intrude,” whispered the well-coifed man.  “Is everything alright in here?”

Mike looked up, his eyes red, and Harrison knew that everything was not alright.  He took his seat at the table and let Mike talk.

Looking down at his hands, playing with his pen, he simply said “She’s gone.”

Harrison knew who he meant without asking.

“I’m sorry,” he said.  “I’m not much good at these kinds of situations, but you can talk to me if you like.”

Mike took a deep breath.  “There’s only so much I can say.  It’s not her fault.  On the surface it seemed our friendship was rock solid.  We worked really well together.  But we had an argument.  One that we can’t come back from…and now it’s over.”

“Are you alright?” asked Harrison.

“I will be,” sniffed Mike.  “Everything reminds me of her.  Literally everything…she’s on my clothes, she’s in my stories, she’s on a magnet on my fridge…she’s everywhere.  I can’t forget her or erase her.”

Harrison, always the practical one rather than emotional, posed the question on his mind.

“What does this mean for the future of our stories?” he asked.

Mike thought a moment.

“Well…Edie Van Heelin’…I can’t do Edie without her.  It would be like Paul Stanley trying to be Kiss without Gene.  I need my Gene.  I guess that’s it for Edie Van Heelin’.”

Harrison was sad to hear this.  “I’m sorry about that,” he said.  “I know how much you liked writing those stories.”

“I loved writing that character,” corrected Mike.  “I loved working with her on it, but that situation was not sustainable long-term.  It was simply never meant to last.”

“So what will we do?” asked Harrison.

“I know…I know…we have the big crossover with Tee Bone Man coming,” lamented Mike.  “The epic conclusion to the Squirrel Saga.  It has to go up as planned.  It’s the lynchpin.  It connects everything together.  And it was supposed to launch Edie as a new teammate for Tee Bone Man.  Now…”  Mike trailed off into silence.

Harrison let the room be silent a few moments.  Then he raised his followup question.

“Does this mean…Plan B?” he asked with concern.

Mike’s lips trembled a bit.

“I just finished writing Plan B,” he said with sad seriousness.  Plan B was an idea that he had, just in case everything went south.  His relationship with California Girl had become tense in recent days, and he was worried that something like this might occur.  Against his mightiest wishes, that eventuality has now transpired.  It was, sadly, inevitable.  “I wish I never got her involved in my creative life.  I feel so stupid,” he spat.

Harrison consoled him.  “Don’t say that,” he advised.  “You had some very good times, and wrote some great stories.  No matter what has happened now, the things you did were worth it.”

Mike wiped a tear away.  “You think so?  Bringing her into this now creates a mess we have to figure a way out of.”

Harrison pondered a moment.  “Do you mind if I read Plan B?”

“Go ahead,” said Mike, turning the monitor on, and pushing it in Harrison’s direction.  Harrison clasped the mouse and began reading.  Mike watched his eyes dart from line to line, registering shock, melancholy, excitement, and finally terrible sadness.  By the time Harrison had finished reading, he was visibly moved by the story.

After a pause, Harrison said with dead seriousness, “This is one of the best things you’ve ever written.  You can feel the emotions.  This will be very difficult to illustrate.”

“Had to be done,” said a somber Mike as he looked down.  “We needed to end Edie’s story as epic as it began.”

“I agree,” nodded Harrison.  “It’s too good not to post.  But how are you feeling?”

Mike took a while to answer.  “I’m heartbroken.  I’m in pain.  And I think that comes across in the story.”  He paused a moment longer.  “I always said that girl had a natural charisma that made people want to know her.  And look what that did to me.”

“All great artists must suffer for their art,” Harrison comforted.

“Bah!” said Mike with a smile.  “Nothing about my art is great.  But it made me feel good.  And that feeling is gone, for now.”

“I hope the feeling returns,” said a sincere Harrison.

“It will, one day,” responded Mike.  “Don’t get me wrong, my friend.  I don’t really regret anything with her, except the end.  There was hurt inflicted on both sides, but it’s not a competition, and I can’t go back and change it.  What’s done is done.  And I hope she’s OK, wherever she is, whatever she’s doing.  I just want her to be OK.  And hopefully she remembers me well.  I know I will remember her with sadness, but also fondly.”

“A lovely sentiment,” said Harrison, “and possibly a good note on which to end this meeting.  You need to get home, get rested, and recover.  Please do that.”

Mike nodded affirmative.  “I will do that, I promise.  I just need a few more moments alone.”

“Talk to you tomorrow,” said Harrison as he stood to exit.  He quietly closed the door as he left, whispering “May the Force be with you,” to his friend.

As the door clicked shut, Mike collapsed back into his chair and let the tears run down his face.  Alone in the writer’s room, Mike spoke to the California Girl as if she could hear him.

“I miss you, my friend,” he said.  “I probably always will.  The creative energy we shared…it was a rare gift.  It can never be duplicated.  But more important than that…you were my friend.  I wish we never fought.  I wish that argument never happened.  But it had to happen.  It couldn’t be avoided, and now I have to pick up the pieces and carry on without you.  You’ll be fine without me — you were fine before I came along, and will be long after I’m gone.  Me, I’ll always have a California sized hole in my heart.”

He stood, and made his way to the door.

“Goodbye, my California Girl,” he whispered.  And with that the room was empty again.

The end

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

 

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

 

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’: Edie’s Winter Vacation (By Mike & @MarriedandHeels)

NOTES:  This story was written by myself and @MarriedandHeels, from January to April 2023.  Our last collaboration together, it was never finished.  I couldn’t let almost 3500 words go to waste, so I wrote the ending by myself (and you can tell).  It was an experimental new way of writing, and the story needed a lot more work to keep it focused and tight, but it is the most “true to life” of all our writing together.  Or, at least, it was, for a brief moment in time.

Edie’s story will continue in The Adventures of Tee Bone Man.  This is the final chapter of Edie’s solo adventures.

Mike

 

By Mike & @MarriedandHeels

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’: Edie’s Winter Vacation

Mike was out in the frigid winter cold, loading bags and camping supplies into his vehicle.  His breath wafted in cold clouds in front of his face, and then dissipated into the ether.  He struggled lugging his supplies through the snow, but the sky was a gorgeous ice blue, and the sun’s rays warmed his whiskers.  But why would anyone be loading camping supplies in the dead of winter?

For the answer to that question, you’d have to ask Edie Van Heelin’.

Mike looked up to the sky, awaiting his superhero friend from California.  She should be rocketing here any moment now.  Mike’s wife Jen slowly began making her way outside to greet the hero as well, as she trudged through the slush.

“Got everything?” asked Jen as she tried not to fall.

“Careful sweety!” cautioned Mike as he steeled himself to catch her if she slipped.  Fortunately she didn’t.  “Yes…I think I have everything.  Including a 4 gig hard drive full of music.  I loaded up the complete collection’s of all Edie’s favourite artists.  We won’t be short of music.  We have food, a portable gas barbecue and stove, several extra changes of clothes…I sure hope I’m ready.”

Jen shaded her eyes as she looked up to the bright sky.  “Is that her now?”

Sure enough, it was!  Edie Van Heelin’s trademark rocket boots made a somewhat unique sound as she roared across the sky.  Her boots made contrails that now wound their way on a direct course.  Mike and Jen could see her waving as she slowed herself down, and came in for a gentle landing.

“Edie!” shouted Mike as he attempted to run across the parking lot to greet his friend.  She was carrying several bags of her own luggage — all Coach of course.  She was dressed head to toe in silver winter gear, including a new pair of winter rocket boots.  Her lips were even painted silver to match.  Mike nearly bowled her over with a hug.

“Great to see you Fanboy!” she Edie, returning the hug even harder.  “Hey Jen!” she waved.  “Are you sure you’re not coming with us?”

Jen got that dear-in-a-headlight look with the wide-open eyes that Mike adored so much.  She laughed.  “Me?  Camping in the snow?  No, I’ll be ordering coffee and Chinese food and watching the Leafs in my warm house.  You can have the tents for you and Mike!  Just make sure you don’t turn him into a Mike-sicle out there!”

“Oh, I can keep him warm, don’t worry,” winked Edie.  “Next time, how about you and I leave him at home and we go shoe shopping in California?”

Jen nodded yes emphatically.  “You have a deal.  Maybe we can catch a Sharks game.”

“Count on it!” smiled Edie.  She then turned to Mike.  “You ready, Fanboy?  As agreed:  no superhero-ing this weekend, but rocket boots are packed as an emergency measure.  Which we won’t need.  Let’s go!”

“Not yet!” stopped Mike.  “We have the most important decision of the whole trip still to make.  We can’t get the road trip started without the right music.  As you know, my usual rule is ‘driver always chooses’ but this is our first road trip together, and I thought I’d let you pick the first album of the drive.  I’ve already chosen the second record.”

“Kiss?” asked Edie.

Mike laughed.  “Of course Kiss!  But Kiss Unplugged.  You won’t hate this one so much.  So what’s your pick?  The only rule now is that whatever you pick, we play the full album.  I don’t skip tracks!”

Edie placed a silver-painted nail on her chin and thought.

“Bob Seger’s Greatest Hits.  Does that count?  I’m a fan of greatest hits.”

“Of course it counts!” gasped Mike.  “But I don’t skip songs…”

“Ugh I guess I’ll deal with ‘Old Time Rock and Roll’,” agreed a reluctant Edie.  But turn it up a bit during ‘Night Moves’.”

Mike smiled a wide smile.  “You got it!”  Then he thought to add, “I hope you don’t mind, but I tend to sing in the car…”

Edie raised a hot pink manicured hand.  “Stop right there, no need to explain, you’re speaking my language!  Let’s hit the road!”

With a hug and a kiss, Jen said goodbye, and Mike got in.  With bags packed, phones charged and a nice big tent waiting to be set up, Edie and Mike set off on their winter road trip.  The sun shone bright, promising a good drive.  Mike selected Seger’s Greatest Hits, track one, “Roll Me Away”.  And away they rolled.

Almost immediately the storytelling commence.

“So Edie,” began Mike, “As you know I worked at a Record Store.  My first Christmas, Christmas of ’94, this was a top seller.  And my boss had a big rule about ‘Old Time Rock and Roll’…”

“Let me guess,” interrupted Edie.  “He made you skip it every time because he hated that song.”

Mike yelped in surprised laughter. “He made us skip it every time because he hated it!  You got it.  And you know how I feel about skipping.”

Suddenly track two, “Night Moves”, came on, and the pair happily harmonized.

“Workin’ on our night moves! Tryin’ to make some front page drive-in news!  Workin’ on our night moves!  In the summertime…”

“Man, I miss summer,” said Mike.

Edie sympathized.  “I know Mike, but we’re going to have so much fun this weekend.  Know what I’m looking forward to the most?”

“Tell me!” asked Mike with excitement in his voice.

“Winter hiking!” answered Edie.  “Hiking in the snow!  Snowshoeing!  Did you remember our micro spikes for the ice?  I want to see the trees capped in snow! Untouched snow!  A winter paradise!  The quiet of the forest dressed in white!  I want to take a step and fall waist deep into soft powder!  I want to fall back, arms open and be caught by soft snow!  I want to feel the cold and peace all around me!  I want to see a stream cutting through the snowy paradise! I want to hear the sound of the gentle waters moving!”

“Quite the wishlist,” responded Mike.  “I didn’t bring any spikes – we won’t need that where we’re going – but I can guarantee everything else is on the agenda.  It’s so fun seeing winter through your eyes.  Wait until you see the forest in the winter!  We used to get snowbanks so high, we could climb on the roofs and sled all the way down!”

Edie’s eyes went wide.  “Oooh!  I want to do that too!”

“Well, we should have plenty of time, since we agreed we’re not doing any superhero-ing this weekend,” said Mike.  He laughed.  “It’s funny – a few years ago, I would have done anything to go superhero-ing!  And I would have done anything to avoid the winter!  Now here we are looking forward to a winter vacation without any superhero shenanigans.  Who woulda thunk it?”

Edie interrupted his philosophising.  “Look!  Maple syrup!  We have to stop!”

“My pleasure, ma’am!” said Mike as he signalled to pull over.  “What are you looking to get?  Light, dark, anything specific?  Ooh look – they have pepperoni and beef jerky too.”

Edie shot up in her seat before she could even get the seatbelt off.  “Umm, hello!  Beef jerky!”

The pair stocked up on treats and supplies, while the Mennonites stared at Edie’s boots.  As she selected the finest beef jerky on offer, the Mennonites in black surreptitiously stole glances at her footwear.  If the inch-and-a-half high platforms didn’t stun them, perhaps the chunky five-and-a-half inch heels did.  Patent leather, thigh-high and perfect for the snow or ice.

“We’ll take these,” said Mike as he placed a pile of jerky and several bottles of syrup on the table.

“What are you folks up to today?” asked the older gentleman who took Mike’s money.

“Well, my friend here is from California and she’s not used to these kinds of winters.  We’re going to do some winter camping, showshoeing, maybe even build a snowfort if there’s time!” answered Mike with glee.

“Be careful out there,” warned the old man.  “I can feel it in my bones, there’s a storm coming.  A big one, if I’m not mistaken.  Make sure you have plenty of fuel and food!” he advised.

Without hesitation, Edie grabbed five more packs of jerky.  “Just to be on the safe side,” she winked.

Once they were back on the road, Edie noticed Mike was unusually quiet.  “Hey,” she nudged him.  “You OK?”

Mike nodded.  “I’m OK, just a little rattled about the weather.  Sometimes those old timers get it right when the weatherman didn’t.  If a snowstorm rolls in, it’ll be hard to dig the car out.”

“Don’t worry my friend!” answered a chipper Edie.  “Rocket boots are packed in the back seat if we run into trouble!  Don’t worry, it’ll be fun!”

Mike loosened up.  “You’re right, of course.  We’re winter camping, we need snow anyway.”

Before long, Lake Huron was in sight.  They had arrived!  The snow was crispy, deep, untouched.  It was so deep that they were unable to drive all the way.  They parked far up on the road and walked down into the treeline.

“This spot is perfect!” said Edie as she twirled in the snow.  Then, she spread her arms wide, dropped down into the snow, and was soon encapsulated in powder, laughing the whole time.”

“You OK Edie?” asked Mike as he trudged towards her.  He reached out to help her up, but she clasped his hand and pulled him right down!

“You sneak,” mumbled Mike as he spat snow from his mouth.  “Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m cold, so let’s get the tea going and put up the tent.”

“Good call,” said Edie as she got her solar kettle and accessories ready.  “Today it’s green chai, and I thought it would be nice to try that brand new maple honey that we picked up today!”  Before too long, steam was pouring from the kettle and delightful smells were filling the forest.  But Edie was distracted and Mike sought some revenge.

THWACK!  A snowball pelted her in the back of the head as Mike snickered in glee.  He tried to run away but the snow was far too deep.  He tripped and was buried in the deep snow.  He sank deeper as he struggled to get up, laughing the whole time.  Edie trudged in his direction and pulled him up.

“Serves you right!” said she.  Mike had to agree.

The two sat down to tea and indulged in some happy conversation as they set up the tent.  Mike trudged through the snow towards the car.  They had unpacked a few essentials – the bags, the tent, the solar kettle – but most of their camping gear was still inside.  Mike fumbled through this pockets, but suddenly, he had a serious problem.

“Ummm…Edie…we have a serious problem.”

She was unphased.  “What’s wrong?”

“I lost the keys,” Mike answered glumly.  “They must have fallen into the snow.  The rest of our equipment, including your rocket boots, are in the car.  Aww, crap…my phone is in the car!”

Edie checked her pockets.  “Oh no…mine too.”

Mike held back a tirade of F-bombs. He threw his Canadian toque into the snow in frustration. “I can’t believe this! Now we’re stuck out here with no phones, no rocket boots, and all our equipment is in the car!”

Suddenly Mike felt the cold smack of a snowball to the side of his head.  He looked towards Edie.

“You had to pay for hitting me with a snowball in the back of my head…my perfectly straightened hair will get wet and start to wave now!”  She laughed as Mike wiped the snow from his face.

“I like you with wavy hair,” answered Mike.  “But what about the keys?”

Edie placed a finger on her chin and pondered.

“I say we continue as planned.  We have everything we need, and I can recruit my Canadian squirrel friends to help find the keys.”

Mike shrugged.  “If you say so, but that’s a lot of snow for them to dig through.”

“Hey,” said Edie.  “These are Canadian squirrels, the hardiest I’ve ever seen!  They’ve got this!”  Edie raised her arms to the trees and called.  “Canadian squirrels!  To my side!”

Nothing happened.  A wind began to whip through the branches, but no squirrels came.  Edie repeated her command, but the animals were silent.

“It’s the storm.  All the squirrels gave gone to ground.  There’s a blizzard coming.  I suggest we reinforce the tent with snow blocks, to help keep the wind off,” said Mike grimly.

Edie nodded in agreement.  The two began digging up and packing large blocks of snow into a wall on the west side of the tent, where the wind would be coming in hard.  They were unusually silent as they worked, for as upbeat as Edie was on the exterior, inside she knew they had to take this seriously.

Mike felt the silence and decided to sing.

“I get up!  And nothin’ gets me down.  You got it tough? I’ve seen the toughest around!”

Edie looked up and sang along.

“And I know!  Baby, just how you feel!  You got to ro-o-oll with the punches and get to what’s real!”

“Might as well jump!” exclaimed Mike as he leapt atop the wall they were constructing.  “This is pretty good Edie!  It’s solid.”  He looked up through the trees.  “Sky is turning really ugly though.  It’s going to be black out soon, and the wind is picking up.”

“Let’s get inside and eat,” suggested Edie.

“Barbecue chicken a-la Mike,” responded her friend.

“Isn’t it too snowy to barbecue?” asked Edie.

“This?  Not in Canada.  In Canada this is a minor annoyance.  Fortunately we unpacked the cooler and grill…priorities!” answered Mike.

Everything was prepared in advance.  The chicken had been marinating for hours in a local Guelph BBQ sauced called Silver Bullet.  The veggies were chopped and buttered.  With the flick of a Bic, soon Mike had his grill fiery hot.  He carefully turned the pieces, caramelising the sauce and skin together into one crispy layer of delicious.  He then plated the delicious food with the care of a gourmet, even as the snow glistened on his beard.

Inside the tent, Edie had arranged things for comfort and practicality.  She had the tea at the ready, and something else too.  Mike looked down at his seat and found an ice-cold Coca Cola with Coffee – Dark Roast.

“What’s this??” asked Mike as he took his seat.

“A surprise,” answered Edie.

“I had actually planned on going soda-free this vacation, Edie…but thank you.  This will taste great with the chicken!”

“Everyone deserves a treat now and then, drink up and enjoy!” smiled Edie.

“I got you something, too,” said Mike,  “Here, put it on.”  He handed Edie her very own Canadian toque.

“A beanie with the Canadian Leaf on it!!” she said excitedly.

“It’s a toque, but put it on!  We’re not eating until you’re properly dressed!” prompted Mike.  Edie eagerly placed the knit cap over her head and smiled a huge grin.

“I love it!” grinned Edie.  Mike thought she fit right in now.  He picked up his plate, but Edie stopped him.

“Wait…let’s say grace this time,” she said.

Mike listened to the storm beginning to whip around them, and nodded in agreement.  Edie said a few words of thanks.

Moments later, they were fingers-deep into the chicken, with barbecue sauce lingering on the lips and laughter in the air.

The wind continued to whip around them, playing their tent like a drum.  Edie looked concerned, but Mike reminded her that they reinforced the structure with blocks of snow for this just exact reason.  Mike scooched over next to her.

“It’s so loud!” said Edie.

“Imagine if we were out in the clear, without the trees to shelter us!  Like those old boys in the Antarctic over 100 years ago…just them in their tents and nobody else on the whole continent.  They were out of food and out of fuel…we have both!  We just need to stay warm.”

“I don’t think the animals are looking for your keys anymore,” said Edie solemnly.

“Can you blame ’em?” asked Mike with a chuckle.  Edie shook her head with an emphatic “No!”

The dark was well upon them now, and the two sat up, leaning in on each other for warmth, telling stories and jokes until Edie fell asleep right there on Mike’s shoulder.

When he realized she wasn’t laughing at his hilarious jokes anymore, Mike gently moved Edie down to her foam mattress, and covered her with her sleeping bag.

“Sweet dreams, Edie Van Heelin’, and may the sun come out tomorrow,” said Mike and he tucked her in.

Outside, the wind cast doubt.  In Canadian winter, there is never a guarantee the sun will be out tomorrow.

Smiling in her beanie, Edie drifted off.  Mike was slow to slumber.  He saw Edie snoring peacefully, her breath puffing clouds in the cold air, and he wondered, “What is she dreaming of right now?”

In her mind, she was communing with a large family of wolves.  Wait…no…the picture was getting clearer in her sleep.  She was building an igloo…fortifying it like a snow fort…when suddenly her work was interrupted by arctic wolves so large, she could ride upon them.  There was a mother and father wolf, and two cubs, white and grey with eyes as sharp as ebony darts.  But they were friendly, and the mother wolf lay down on the ground so Edie could climb on.

Mike drifted off to sleep.  As he took his first big snore, he somehow joined Edie in her dream.  She motioned to him, “climb on,” and so he did.  The father wolf was laying in the snow waiting.  Instinctively, and not knowing how to ride a giant horse-sized wolf, he climbed on.  Then, like steel springs suddenly triggered, the wolves took off!  In their dreams, Mike and Edie hung on securely to their mounts and caught the snowflakes that flew into their faces, directly on the tongue.

“I’ve always wanted to do this!” screamed Edie in glee.

Mike turned and stared.  “You’ve always wanted to ride a giant arctic wolf, in the snow?”

“Yeah!” screamed Edie.  “Haven’t you?”

“No,” answered Mike, “It never occurred to me.  And also, this must be your dream and not mine, because even I know that we don’t have arctic wolves down here!”

The pair laughed as they rode….

Hours passed.  As they slumbered peacefully away, outside the tent, the snow had continued to fall.  Accumulating rapidly, the tent was all but buried by the first rays of the new day.

It was Edie who woke first, in near-total dark, thanks to the layers of snow now around and above them.

She shook Mike on the shoulder.  “Mike!  Mike!  Wake up!  We have a problem.”

Groggily, her Canadian companion slowly opened his sleep-crusted eyes and yawned.

“Edie, I had the weirdest dream…”

“Never mind that Mike.  I have some good news and some bad news,” swallowed Edie.

“Give me the bad news first,” moaned Mike.

Edie gestured around the tent and said, “We appear to be almost completely buried.”

Mike groaned some more.  “Well, my back is at least partially mobile today.  Looks like digging is in our future.  What’s the good news?”

Edie smiled.  “I brought a special tea for breakfast!”

Groaning again, Mike drank some sort of strange watermelon tea concoction, and began shoveling.

“Never again!” he moaned as he dug.  “Never again am I going winter camping!”

Edie laughed, grabbed and shovel, and joked, “Oh yes you will!”

The morning turned into midday, and Mike had had enough of snow, winter, and all of it!  In a grumpy mood, he trudged off alone, heading towards the nearest town, and a tow truck.  Back at camp, Edie took some pictures and made some snow angels, waiting for the tow truck to eventually arrive.  But what did arrive took her completely by surprise.

A family of giant wolves were sniffing around the treeline.  Just like in her dream.  The mother wolf approached, beckoned her to climb on, and leaned down so Edie could ride.  Wordlessly, she did just that.  With a flash, they were off.

“Canadian wolves!  Into town to meet up with Fanboy Mike!”  The wolf pack darted forward in the snow, with a gleeful Edie singing Bob Seger songs as the wind whipped her hair.

Mike was seated at a local garage, drinking a coffee, and waiting for the tow truck to return from its last call.  He was sore all over from that hike.  He was all but falling asleep with the newspaper opened in front of him.  Ironically, it was the entertainment section, and there was even an article about Edie’s upcoming album being produced by Wolfgang Van Halen.

As if on cue, Edie Van Heelin’ pranced through the doors.

“Miss me?” she asked?

Mike gasped.  “How the heck did you get here so quickly, without rocket boots?”

Edie grinned.  “Why, I rode on the back of a giant mother wolf, of course!”

The garage attendant standing behind the counter choked on his coffee a bit, and regained his composure.  “The hell you say?” he asked astonished.

“Don’t be surprised,” said a bemused Mike.  “That’s Edie Van Heelin’.  She can talk to animals.”

“I’m not talking about that,” said the grease monkey.  “Giant mother wolf?  Is that what you said?”  Edie nodded affirmative.  “Lady…you just had a close encounter with the unexplained!”  He took a minute to regain his composure.  “There’s a legend around here, going back 200 years, or even more.  Reports of a pack of giant arctic wolves, not afraid, not aggressive…friendly.  They show up out of nowhere in the winter, when people are in dire need.  They don’t leave footprints in the snow.  They don’t leave scat on the ground.  There are no physical traces left behind.  Ever.  Show me where the wolves dropped you off.”

The three ran outside to the road.

“It was right here!” said Edie.  “But I don’t….”

“…See any paw prints…” finished Mike.

After some moments of puzzled silence, Mike spoke again. “‘Fantasy is the impossible made probable. Science Fiction is the improbable made possible.’ Rod Serling said that.  But this…this is something other.  We have truly entered the Twilight Zone.”

As if on cue, the grease monkey’s phone rang…with the Twilight Zone theme music.

“Let’s go home,” said Mike.  “This has been the weirdest vacation ever!”

With that, the pair hopped into the tow truck that had just arrived, and silently pondered the mysteries of the unknown.

The end

NEXT TIME…EDIE VAN HEELIN’ vs. TEE BONE MAN!

The long-awaited crossover!  Finale to The Adventures of Tee Bone Man Phase One:  The Squirrel Saga!

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA

Chapter Zero:  Tee Bone Man – Origins (by LeBrain)

Chapter One: A Friend in Need (by LeBrain)

Chapter Two: Hell Freezes Over (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Three: Hell Ain’t A Bad Place to Be (by LeBrain)

Chapter Four: Tee Bone Man and the Rink of…Doom? (by Aaron KMA)

Chapter Five: The Super Duper Vault (by John T. Snow)

Chapter Six: Tee Bone Man Goes to Camp (by LeBrain)

Chapter Seven:  The Revenge of Common Knowledge (by LeBrain)

Chapter Eight:  Tee Bone & Deke’s Time Travelling Adventure (by 80sMetalMan)

Chapter Nine:  Castle Communications (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Ten:  The Case of the Lost Iron Maiden Socks (by LeBrain)

Chapter Eleven:  A Tee Bone Man Christmas (by all five of us)

Chapter Twelve:  Lost In Space (by John T. Snow)

Chapter Thirteen:  Clip Show (by LeBrain)

Chapter Fourteen:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Discover the Tao (An Intermission) (By Aaron KMA)

Chapter Fifteen: Status Acoustic – The Really Big Deal (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Sixteen:  A Crazy Crazy Night (part 1) (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Sixteen:  A Crazy Crazy Night (part 2) (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Sixteen:  A Crazy Crazy Night (part 3) (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Seventeen:  Tee Bone Man vs. Edie Van Heelin’ (by LeBrain) Coming this summer – conclusion to Phase One

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

Chapter Eighteen:  Shinzon – Origins (By LeBrain)

 

 

THE WRITER’S ROOM

The Writer’s Room: Chapter One

The Writer’s Room:  It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like a Tee Bone Man Christmas

The Writer’s Room:  Welcome to the Writer’s Room!

The Writer’s Room:  Empty Room (Coming soon)

 

 

 

THE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie vs. Tommy Lee in the Bouncy Castle of Doom! (By LeBrain)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie and the Quest for the Lost Lego (By LeBrain with Harrison Kopp)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation (By LeBrain)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation Part 2 (By LeBrain & California Girl)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie Meets the Wolf (by LeBrain)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie’s Winter Vacation (By LeBrain & California Girl)

 

The Adventures of Tee Bone Man: A Crazy Crazy Night – Part 3 (By Harrison Kopp)

The Adventures of Tee Bone Man – Phase One: The Squirrel Saga
Chapter 16:  A Crazy Crazy Night (Part 3)

This is it. Tee Bone Man. Superdekes. The Snowman. El Moustachio. The four heroes have fought their way through Wicked Lester Blackwell’s Carnival of Lost Souls and now face their greatest challenge: Stop Mr Blackwell himself before he can gain untold power. But standing in-between our heroes and the megalomaniac is the Psycho Circus, and it’s a full house tonight.

Tee Bone confidently strode forward towards the entrance to the Psycho Circus, but he was pulled back by Deke.

“Surely we need some sort of plan for this?”

“You’re right, but don’t call me Shirley.”, Tee Bone smiled back. “So how are we approaching this?”

Deke thought for a moment.

“Snowman, can I see the map a second?”

The Snowman obliged, and Deke studied what layout information the map gave him of the building that housed the Psycho Circus.

“Alright. We’ll sneak in through the service entrances here and here. Two of us will continue up to the orator’s booth here. I bet that’s where Lester will be. The other two will go down into the ring here and engage whatever thugs he has. It will draw his attention too while the stealthy team get into position.”

The others considered this for a moment.

“We’ll need Tee Bone in the middle there then. That’s where the thick of it is going to be.”, El Moustachio chimed in.

“Yes”, Deke replied. “And my grappling hook makes me ideal to go up high. So that just leaves which two of you is better with heights.”

The Snowman and El Moustachio looked at each other.

“I’ll go with Deke.”, The Snowman said. “I’ve got some ranged weaponry that’ll work better from up high.”

“Can’t argue with that.”, the Australian replied.

With that settled, the two groups confidently strode forwards towards their respective service entrances. Entering was easy, and once they were in the chanting and cheering was louder than ever, which actually came in handy in masking the sounds of our heroes dispatching any guards stationed around the place.

 

 

So it wasn’t long before both squads caught sight of the task before them. And it wasn’t going to be easy. The building was essentially one large arena. A giant ring of seats surrounded a large open area in the centre, with scaffolding and support platforms littering the outer ring and the higher levels.

And there, high up and right where Deke said he’d be, was Wicked Lester Blackwell. His suit was torn in places and his top hat was similarly afflicted. He was old and weathered, much like the Carnival itself, but he still radiated a sinister and dangerous aura.

Perched atop a platform illuminated by spotlights he conducted the crowd below, whipping them into a fever pitch.

“Brothers! Sisters! Freaks! Monsters! I’ve been waiting for this night to come! Today we are reborn! Exiled from the human race no more! While the city sleeps, we have been digging down towards the well of souls buried beneath this very circus. The mining is almost complete. We are moments away from untold power! The carnival has just begun! And soon we will return to the world- forever!”

The crowd cheered, and it was at this moment that Tee Bone decided enough was enough. He strode out into the centre of the arena and struck a power chord that echoed around the room for several seconds. The crowd went completely silent.

 

 

“Who dares!”, Wicked Lester roared furiously. “I will not have this night marred by anyone! Let alone someone so unholy as you.”

“I’ve had enough of this posturing and these proxies. Come and face me, right here, right now! I’ll fight hell to hold you back!”, Tee Bone yelled back.

“Hahaha, here’s your chance, foolish one. Come, my faithful, let us indulge in some excitement.”, Lester boomed back, as countless psychopaths and cultists; human, almost human or otherwise charged forward into the arena towards Tee Bone and El Moustachio.

“Show them… a world without heroes!”, he crowed from above, as all hell began to break loose in the arena.

And Tee Bone and El Moustachio were at the centre of it. The hooligans and delinquents were no trouble alone, but together with the seasoned killers they posed a bit more of a threat. El Moustachio was constantly watching his back, while Tee Bone did his best to keep the fighting focused on him. It wasn’t a million to one, but they were definitely outnumbered.

To make matters worse, Wicked Lester was not giving up any opportunities to display his showmanship and had now taken to hyping the crowd up like a sports announcer.

“Here comes the Torpedo Girl! Look out boys, she’s got a heart of chrome and she’s equipped with as much ballistics as she is ballast!”

The woman in question responded with a volley of torpedo shots that our two heroes just barely avoided. They lodged into the ground and bore deep holes down. One foot wrong and El Moustachio would be in for a long drop off a short pier.

Wicked Lester continued above.

“And don’t forget Little Ceaser! He really puts the ‘X’ in ‘sects’!”

A very short man with a wreath on his head emerged and began ordering the droves of psychos into regimented battalions. This was going to be a problem.

 

 

Up above on the service walkways, Deke and The Snowman were also engaged in battle. There’d been more people up here than they’d initially banked on, and they’d been spotted about halfway up to Mr Blackwell.

“Saints! Sinners! To the gantries! More interlopers!”

“Blast!”, The Snowman cursed.

A cadre of Lester’s men ran up to their level and unleashed a patchwork assault from all manner of makeshift ranged weaponry. Their firearms were rudimentary, but they were certainly functional, and they forced the two heroes to take shelter behind a wall. For now, they were pinned down. Down, but not out.

 

 

At least down below Tee Bone and El Moustachio were beginning to make some headway. The phalanxes had been scattered after a well-placed boomerang, courtesy of Tee Bone actually, had knocked little Caesar out.

Torpedo Girl, meanwhile, was taking a bit more effort to topple. Tee Bone Man had to take a dive to dodge her last volley of shots, and he’d copped a boot to the face while he was down there. The culprit was summarily pounded upon Tee Bone’s return to an erect walking position.

El Moustachio, meanwhile, had worked to put as many cultists as possible between him and her. This, of course, put him within punching distance of said cultists. But this didn’t bother him too much; it also put them within punching distance of him. Plus he had Ripper on his side.

In short, other than the problematic-projectile woman, they were prevailing. Well actually the correct way of saying it was that they had been prevailing, because it was just when Tee Bone and El Moustachio seemed to have the upper hand that a great rumbling sound filled the room.

And it was at this point that, despite their victories in the preceding battle, the two heroes realised that they had been manoeuvred far away from each other. The rumbling got louder and louder and the ground in the middle of the arena began to fall away.

“And on the eighth day!”, Wicked Lester cried above as the ground continued to crumble away far beneath him. “Out of the ashes came the dawn and the shape of things to come!”

Too far from his partner to help, Tee Bone took off heading straight for Wicked Lester, fist outstretched. His flightpath, however, was intercepted by a well-placed firework that sent him spinning down onto one of the gantries.

Meanwhile, down on the other side of the arena, El Moustachio ran for one of the scaffolding towers. The ground cracked under his feet, and he saw chunks fall away around him as he ran. With a final, desperate leap he was just able to reach the tower as the entire arena floor fell away into the void. But he wasn’t safe yet.

 

 

The cracks continued outwards, and the scaffolding he was clinging to began to break loose. This was fairly alarming, and the Australian tried to hasten his ascent. But it was no use, it was too far to the top.

Ripper clambered up ahead of him and desperately began pulling on his finger.

“No use buddy”, the Australian smiled gently. “Go up there and help the others, ok?”.

The squirrel was vehemently against at the idea of leaving the Australian to his fate.

“I’ll be fine”, Moustachio said with a wry smile. “They need you more.”

And, not taking no for an answer, El Moustachio grabbed the small ball of fur and hurled him high up to safety. He knew he could count on the little guy. Mere seconds later he was falling backwards towards the green pit as the scaffolding beneath him completely collapsed.

Enveloped by a tawny-coloured explosion on his way down, the Australian vanished without a trace.

“Noooooooooo!”, Tee Bone cried from above, more rage in his voice than he had ever mustered before. Wicked Lester was going to pay, if it was the last thing he did.

Up above, largely oblivious to the proceedings below, Deke and The Snowman were ready to make their move. Their overconfident assailants had moved in towards where they were taking cover, which was right where The Snowman wanted them.

He tossed a little round device over his shoulder and it landed with a clink at the feet of the huddle. Seconds later it exploded in a shower of snow and hail and all the attackers were encased in prisons of ice.

“Nice work on that”, Deke admired. “I gotta find out how you packed so much in that little casing.”

“Maybe after this I’ll let you in on the secret ingredient”, The Snowman replied as the two men ran up a flight of stairs.

Down below Tee Bone was rapidly approaching the top level, pounding anyone in his way. But his anger might not be enough. Wicked Lester had begun absorbing the spirit energy from the pit and was growing more and more dangerous by the minute. Closing his eyes and sucking in a long breath, he proclaimed his superiority for the 100,000th time this year.

“I’m a legend tonight!”

 

 

With a green glow in his eyes, the madman fired a verdant blast of energy that missed Tee Bone by an inch, scorching the metal pylon beside him.

Tee Bone’s hit back hard and fast, but the return volley of power chords failed to strike home. Lester cackled as Tee Bone took cover.

Then great big cracks appeared across the ceiling, as chunks of it began to fall down around the arena. But this was not the work of Wicked Lester. Something was forcing its way through the roof. Something big.

And then Tee Bone saw it. Huge and silver. It looked like the Destroyer, but Thor wasn’t here. Reaching into the building it fired a powerful blast into a gantry containing reinforcements for Blackwell. The blast rocked the entire building as the would-be attackers fell a long way down into the void below.

Lester did not take too kindly to this intrusion and readied a blast of his own. Sickly green energy swirled around his fist, but before he could fire, a grappling hook wrapped itself around his wrist.

Deke pulled hard on the rope and Lester’s shot went wide. The elder man attempted to spin around to face the source of this insult, but his left leg was suddenly encased in a thick layer of ice courtesy of The Snowman.

His other leg was kept in place by Tee Bone’s lariat, and upon discovering this, Lester let loose a feral growl. This growl soon turned to a scream of pain as Ripper jumped on his face and sunk his claws into the older man’s flesh.

Essentially paralysed, Wicked Lester Blackwell could only stand there as the mechanical marvel readied both its arm cannons and took aim. Ripper vacated the man’s face with just enough time for him to comprehend the full scope of the firepower about slam itself into him.

 

 

And then the machine fired, sending Lester hurtling down towards the well of souls below. He momentarily disappeared beneath the surface but quickly began to furiously claw his way back out.

But only for a moment. Ghostly hands reached up and dragged him back down into somewhere between heaven and hell.

And much like the cauldron in Infernum Keep all that time ago, this green repository of evil did not take kindly to the powerful foreign object that had forcefully inserted itself into it. It writhed and hissed as the ground all around the island began to shake.

“I think we’re done here”, Deke said.

“Agreed”, Tee Bone said, grabbing his friend and flying upwards. He looked around for the other heroes but found that it was taken care of.

“Where’s El Moustachio?”, the Snowman asked.

“He didn’t make it out of the pit”, Tee Bone grimly replied.

The Snowman’s face fell. But they couldn’t allow themselves to get caught up with grief. Time was running out to vacate the area. The mechanical saviour above extended its arms into the building and spoke for the first time in a booming robotic, but familiar, voice.

“Climb on!”

The Snowman did not need to be asked twice, clambering up onto one of the two large cannons on the end of the mech’s upper appendages.

And not a moment too soon, as the majority of the now-abandoned Psycho Circus broke away and fell into the void of death. The rest of the ground began to follow suit, as anything solid began to sink beneath the waves along with the portal to the Cthulu-knows-where.

 

 

But the escape from the island turned out to be quite uneventful. Those manning the firework towers earlier were now far more concerned with leaving the sinking land mass they now found themselves on. The flying mech made a brief detour to pick up Deke’s bike and they were on their way out in no time at all.

Our heroes flew to a nearby island to catch their breath for a minute.

“That was intense.” Deke said.

“Yeah, we’re going to need quite the vacation to relax after that”, Tee Bone replied.

The Snowman was about to chime in about needing one too, but everyone’s attention was captured by the large machine with them. Hissing as steam erupted from several places, it gently set itself down, before the chest cavity opened up and a ramp extended.

And who should walk out but none other than The Braniac.

“Of course! Who else!?”, Tee Bone smiled.

“I say, it’s great to be on the hero side of things now, rather than being the one rescued”, The Braniac smiled back.

“I wouldn’t have it any other way”, Tee Bone replied, clasping his hand in The Braniac’s in a firm handshake. “You were amazing out there.”

He then motioned towards the silver mech.

“This thing is loaded!”

“Oh yeah, this thing hits like an 18-wheeler. Let me show you.”

The Braniac got back into the machine and fired it up. Turning his arm cannons to the sinking island, he unleashed a volley of armaments

“Woah”, Deke exclaimed. “I can’t wait to find out how you made that thing.”

“So what do you call it?”, Tee Bone asked.

The Braniac smiled.

“I call it the Large Ordnance Outlayer Featuring Assisting Human.”

“Haha, that’s quite a name”, Deke laughed.

A short silence followed, and our heroes’ attention then turned to their fallen comrade.

“Do you think he’s gone forever?”, The Snowman gently asked.

“No.”, Tee Bone firmly replied. “We’ll get him back. Even if we have to go to Hell and rip him from the jaws of the devil himself, we’ll get him back.”

Everyone nodded solemnly. Then the ashes of the once-intact Carnival of Souls began to blow over, like glitter in the air.

“We’d better get going.”, Deke stated.

“Yeah”, Tee Bone agreed. “Are you good to get back?”, he asked The Snowman.

“I’ll get him home.” The Braniac said from his mech. “Climb aboard man.”

“We’ll work together again. I’ll make sure of it.” Tee Bone called out, as the group parted ways.

Deke and Tee Bone immediately headed Northwest, whereas The Braniac dropped The Snowman off before heading back to Canada.

When the Thunder Bay duo got back to Deke’s Palace they found a familiar face waiting for them. He saw them land and ran over, totally jubilant.

“You did it!”, Mr Books exclaimed, having come all the way from Owen Sound to welcome back our heroes.

“We did”, Tee Bone replied. “With a little help from our friends.”

“So I heard. Forgive me for foisting such a daunting quest on you, but I knew you were up to the task.”

“You wanted the best, you got the best.”, Tee Bone smiled.

“That I did”, Mr Books replied, toasting the heroes’ success and taking a drink of Scotch.

And many more followed as the sun rose over Thunder Bay once again, the future looking just a bit brighter.

 

Someone, somewhere, sometime, somehow…

 

El Moustachio appeared out of thin air and hit the ground with a wet thud, rolling twice before coming to a gentle rest. He gingerly picked himself up and observed his strange new surroundings. He knew he wasn’t in Hell because he’d been there before and it was a lot more red. In fact, the world he now found himself was actually really green. He was in a city, but there was more plant life here than he’d ever seen before. Thick vines snaked up the buildings, and the ground was more like sodden earth than concrete.

But all through it all there was something familiar. A scent he was very used to, but stronger than he’d ever smelt it before. Even stronger than the aroma of the small item he still carried in his back pocket. And it was only getting stronger.

El Moustachio stepped out of the alleyway into the city. The cool night was dimly lit by the bioluminescent plants around him. In the distance he spied a figure, and a low rumble filled the air. Suddenly he realised just how alone he was.

The figure took a step forward. And then another.

El Moustachio took a step back and steeled himself.

One way or another, things were never going to be the same again.

 

NEXT TIME…

Witness the world tremble when Tee Bone Man and Edie Van Heelin’ finally collide!

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA

Chapter Zero:  Tee Bone Man – Origins (by LeBrain)

Chapter One: A Friend in Need (by LeBrain)

Chapter Two: Hell Freezes Over (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Three: Hell Ain’t A Bad Place to Be (by LeBrain)

Chapter Four: Tee Bone Man and the Rink of…Doom? (by Aaron KMA)

Chapter Five: The Super Duper Vault (by John T. Snow)

Chapter Six: Tee Bone Man Goes to Camp (by LeBrain)

Chapter Seven:  The Revenge of Common Knowledge (by LeBrain)

Chapter Eight:  Tee Bone & Deke’s Time Travelling Adventure (by 80sMetalMan)

Chapter Nine:  Castle Communications (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Ten:  The Case of the Lost Iron Maiden Socks (by LeBrain)

Chapter Eleven:  A Tee Bone Man Christmas (by all five of us)

Chapter Twelve:  Lost In Space (by John T. Snow)

Chapter Thirteen:  Clip Show (by LeBrain)

Chapter Fourteen:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Discover the Tao (An Intermission) (By Aaron KMA)

Chapter Fifteen: Status Acoustic – The Really Big Deal (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Sixteen:  A Crazy Crazy Night (part 1) (by Harrison Kopp) 

Chapter Sixteen:  A Crazy Crazy Night (part 2) (by Harrison Kopp) 

Chapter Sixteen:  A Crazy Crazy Night (part 3) (by Harrison Kopp) 

Chapter Seventeen:  Tee Bone Man vs. Edie Van Heelin’ (by LeBrain) Coming this summer – conclusion to Phase One!

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

Chapter Eighteen:  Shinzon – Origins (By LeBrain)

 

THE WRITER’S ROOM

The Writer’s Room: Chapter One

The Writer’s Room:  It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like a Tee Bone Man Christmas

The Writer’s Room:  Welcome to the Writer’s Room!

 

 

THE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie vs. Tommy Lee in the Bouncy Castle of Doom! (By LeBrain)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie and the Quest for the Lost Lego (By LeBrain with Harrison Kopp)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation (By LeBrain)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation Part 2 (By LeBrain & California Girl)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie Meets the Wolf (by LeBrain)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie’s Winter Vacation (By LeBrain & California Girl) (coming soon)