THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:
Tee Bone Man vs. Edie Van Heelin’
THE EPIC CONCLUSION TO TEE BONE MAN: PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA
A tense Tee Bone Man sat on the couch, gently stroking his new squirrel friend, Ripper. They were once mortal enemies, but now they were joined in grief. Their teammate, El Moustachio, disappeared during their battle against the evil Wicked Lester Blackwell. He had fallen into a pit, and vanished without a trace. Superdekes worked tirelessly at his computer, trying to figure out exactly what happened. He was coming up empty.
“I’m sorry Tee, I’m done for today. I’m burned out,” gasped an exhausted Deke as he got up from his desk and planted himself in his armchair.
“Me too, buddy, me too,” said an aimless Tee Bone. “Something tells me things are only getting worse before they get better.”
Deke shuddered. “Don’t say that man, have some hope.”
Tee Bone placed Ripper on the ground, allowing him to run around the floor of Deke’s Palace. Moustachio’s last act was to save the little furry guy from the same fate as his. Ripper took off like a dart for the pantry, looking for crumbs.
“Put on a record, will ya?” asked Deke. “Don’t care which one. Something rocking.”
“Good idea,” said Tee Bone as he stood and walked towards their record racks. “Here’s one that just arrived. Motley Crue – New Tattoo. Any good?”
Deke shrugged. “Can’t remember, pal. Put it on.”
Tee Bone scanned the track list, and selected one song that sounded cool called “Hell On High Heels”. The Mick Mars riff nearly blew off Tee Bone’s left eyebrow.
“Wow! This ain’t bad! That Mars could really wail,” exclaimed Tee as he played air guitar to the track. Superdekes rocked in his chair, enjoying the heavy groove.
But then….
“Boys call ya Hell on high heels…heels…heels…heels…” went the record as it skipped along.
“Uh oh,” spat Deke as he shot up. “Danger vibes.”
“Guess our work is never done. Can you track it on your scanner?” asked Tee, while Deke went back to his computer.
“Yep, but nothing pinpointed…just a general area. United States. West coast. That’s as close as I can get it. That’s a lot of territory. And I can’t pick up anything specific about the threat, either. Think it’s connected to Moustachio? What do you think we should do?”
Tee Bone thought a moment. “Yellow alert. Let’s sit tight, but be ready to take action in a split second if necessary. Maybe warm up the X-Wing, just in case.”
“Copy that,” answered Deke. “Got your new guitar tuned up?”
“Always, man. Always,” answered Tee Bone with a dead serious tone.
The two heroes would not be resting today.
California
Edie Van Heelin’ and Fanboy Mike were in the middle of it! A tense game of road hockey had broken out, and Mike was in the net. Edie had never held a hockey stick before, but somehow Mike had yet to stop one of her shots. He sweat beneath the thick heavy goalie pads.
“Time out! Time out!” he called, removing his mask and helmet. “The heck is going on here!” A peacock in the driveway honked, as if calling time out.
Edie raised her stick. She was dressed all in silver, with hot pink nails. Her boots boasted eight inches of heels, and her long brown hair hung straight to her waist. She hardly looked like a hockey threat, but the scoreboard didn’t lie. Mr. Van Heelin’ laughed in his lawn chair as he marked five goals for his wife.
“The only thing going on here is that Mr. Van Heelin’ is getting cramps from laughing so hard!” answered Edie. “I thought you were Canadian!”
“And I thought you had never played before! Who taught you to play dirty, Brad Marchand?” panted Mike in his Leafs jersey, sporting number 88, William Nylander. “Whose idea was this anyway? Not mine!”
“No, it was your wife’s idea actually!” laughed Edie. “And she knew you’d lose!”
“It was a setup from the start!” laughed Mike. “Wait until I get home!”
It was at that moment he noticed the sky darken with shadow. “Uh oh,” he gulped. The shadow was perfectly saucer-shaped….
Edie covered her eyes with an impeccably manicured hand, as she looked up. A UFO hovered overhead. Pesky aliens, again? Interrupting her hockey game, just as she was totally humiliating Mike? Unfair!
“Stand back!” she beckoned to Mike as the UFO slowly landed in the middle of the street. “I’ve handled these guys before.”
“So have I!” answered Mike. “I’m coming with you!” He suddenly had his energy back as the adrenaline kicked in.
The ramp to the UFO lowered slowly, dramatically.
Out stepped a shirtless, dirty, tattooed man wearing sunglasses, a crooked baseball cap, jeans, and no shoes.
“Thomas Lee Bass…” announced Edie. “To what do we owe the pleasure this time?” She had very little patience for Tommy Lee on the best of days. But when he came interrupting her hockey game, it had better be important.
“Yo! Edie Van Heelin’! Fanboy Mike! Duuuuudes! So glad you could make it!” shouted Tommy as he raced in to hug them. Edie tolerated the hug for two full seconds before pushing him away.
“OK Tommy, that’s enough. Talk, tell us why you’re here, and then we’ll finish our little hockey game here.”
“Yo, Edie, my alien buds and I came here to warn you!” He stopped talking. A long pause ensued.
“Warn her of what??” prodded Mike.
“Oh yeah! Dudes…you might wanna sit down for this,” said Tommy with surfboy seriousness.
“There are no chairs Tommy, it’s a road,” deadpanned Edie. Tommy sat anyway.
“Dudes…Edie…I know you care about the animals, right?” asked Tommy.
“Yes, get to it, I don’t like where this is going,” prompted Edie.
“There’s this animal abuser up in Canada. Only you can take him down. He’s strong. They call him ‘Tee Bone Man’. He’s super powered, like you. Only not as a hot, and also a dude,” blurted Tommy in a flurry of words.
Mike stepped in between Edie and Tommy. Mr. Van Heelin’ wandered aimlessly nearby, playing Pokemon Go, ignoring the confrontation brewing in front of him.
“No no…that’s wrong. I know Tee Bone Man. I know those guys. They’re good guys. They’re heroes. They saved me once. You’re wrong, Tommy,” said Mike with urgency.
“Oh yeah? Check this out!” said Tommy as he pulled a hologram projector from his pocket. He activated the device with the flick of a button.
A holographic image flashed before them. It was Tee Bone himself, out of costume, and relaxing at his camp. Wait…no…he wasn’t relaxing at all. What was he doing? He was looking up. There was a squirrel in the trees. Tee Bone removed his baseball hat, and placed it in a clearing. Then he went into the bushes, waiting. All of this was clearly captured by hologram. Then there was a rush of activity; the squirrel was on the ground, and Tee Bone was fighting the small creature! It put up a hearty struggle, but was no match for the superpowered human. Suddenly, the squirrel was locked into a rocket! Tee Bone launched the rocket…and the recording came to an end!
Edie turned towards Mike. “You know this person Mike?” She was seriously questioning him.
“Yes, Edie, he’s the guy I spent Christmas Day with! Remember, you flew me there!” Mike had pleading in his voice. Tommy just looked up and smiled.
“Dude, if you know that guy, you can tell from the recording it was him. You can’t fake hologram recordings like you can videos, man. This is real.”
Edie was grave. “Mike…I’m sorry…what I see here is unacceptable. I have to bring this man to justice, even if he is your friend. What I saw on that recording was horrific animal abuse. I cannot tolerate this. I’m going to have to take him down before he does it again, if he hasn’t already. You know how much I love Canadian squirrels…I am so sorry.”
Mike looked down at his shoes. “I can’t believe this. That was him. That was Tee Bone Man. I saw it too.”
“At least I know where he hides. Thunder Bay, Canada, right?” asked Edie.
“Thunder Bay, Ontario, Canada,” corrected Mike, “and I’m coming with you.”
Edie shook her head. “Too dangerous. And you have too much at stake. Stay here with Mr. Van Heelin’. You can build Lego together.” Mike cringed as Mr. Van Heelin’ explored the nearby bushes for rare Pokemon.
“I think you should stay behind, dude!” interjected Tommy.
“No way!” Mike stood his ground. “I’m coming with her. At least I can talk to him. Maybe find out his side of the story.”
“His side of the story? What reason does any sane man have to forcefully put an innocent squirrel inside a rocket and launch it? That’s intolerable!”
“I agree,” said Mike. “But I’m insisting this time.”
“Fine!” exclaimed an exasperated Edie. “I better go suit up,” she said as she ran to her shoe shed for rocket boots.
Mike removed his heavy, sweaty goalie pads and hockey jersey, leaving only his Nylander T-shirt beneath. Though cooling down, he only fretted aimlessly in the street as he waited.
“You OK there, bromingo?” asked Tommy.
“No…I’m pretty far from OK,” sighed Mike. “This is all wrong. Everything about this is wrong.”
Tommy Lee laughed as he climbed back up the ramp of his UFO. “Later dudes!” he cackled as the hatch sealed shut.
Edie re-emerged just as Tommy’s UFO was lifting off with a burst of light. She was now dressed geared up in her matching silver rocket boots. She wielded her favourite red guitar. She was ready for action. Without a word, a very tense Mike climbed on her back and the pair took off into the northern skies.
Thunder Bay
“We have movement,” shouted Deke across the room. “Whatever the threat is, it’s mobile.”
Tee Bone Man was fully suited up, cape and guitar at the ready for immediate action. His body was taut and his brow was furrowed in concern. “Heading?” he asked.
Deke studied the data on his screen, pinching the spot on his nose between the eyes to help focus. They had been on alert for hours.
“Looks like…heading is North-East.” He turned to look at his friend. “On course for Thunder Bay…”
Tee Bone paced the floor. “Well, at least we don’t have to go anywhere this time. How much time do we have?”
Studying the data some more, Deke estimated roughly four hours. “Which gives us plenty of time to fortify and prepare a defense,” added Deke.
Tee Bone nodded. “Do it. I want all the blast shields down over every window. I want emergency power fully charged. Get your bike fueled up, with all the weapon hardpoints armed and loaded. And I want the finest Scotch we have ready for action. Stewart’s brand.”
“On it!” shouted Deke in the affirmative. “What will you be doing?”
“I’m going out to patrol,” said a grim Tee Bone Man. He picked up his new stealth-black guitar and held it like an axe. “Keep in touch,” he instructed Deke. “Let me know of any changes.”
“Of course…I’m not new here, man!” joked Deke, which helped cut the tension. “Where’s Ripper?”
“In his room, listening to Led Zeppelin,” answered Tee.
Tee Bone headed out the main entrance. A blast door slammed shut behind him. Today was, at least, a nice day in Thunder Bay. The sky was blue, scattered with crisp, wispy white clouds. The birds chirped away, completely oblivious to the threat heading their way. Tee Bone walked nervous, his eyes on the sky, listening with intent to every sound. Who could this threat be? They had enough enemies. Couldn’t be the Martians, or they wouldn’t be coming here from the west coast. They’d already be here. Couldn’t be Billy Sheehan, Deke’s nemesis “Common Knowledge”. He’s on tour in Europe. Brad Marchand is in Boston. Their list of foes was dwindling as he counted them off.
Deke buzzed him on the radio. Tee Bone noticed the blast shields were now down as he answered. “What’s up, pal?” he responded.
“That thing is picking up speed. I figure we only have an hour left,” he warned.
“Alright buddy. It’s quiet out here.” Tee Bone scanned the skies once more. “Maybe a little too quiet.”
Too quiet indeed. Where were the birds? Gone….
“All the children in the distant house, they have feelings only children know!” sang Tee Bone. “But the lover whose bird has flown, catches nothing only flakes of snow!” The Deep Purple classic rang through the trees, but the birds remained silent.
“I have a bad feeling about this,” murmured Tee Bone. “This is all so damn peculiar. Nothing makes sense.”
Time crawled by. Deke remained inside, minding the scanners. The threat was steadily approaching now. It would not be long.
Tee Bone Man’s radio buzzed. “Any second now,” warned Superdekes. “I expect you’ll be hearing a sonic boom soon.”
“Copy that,” answered Tee Bone Man. “Stay put for now, and keep an eye on everything!”
Suddenly, the sky cracked with a thunderous cannonade, and a bright flash overhead. A strand of silver in the sky could be seen, sleek and fast, and coming in hot.
“Visual contact established!” shouted Tee Bone Man into his radio. “Red alert!” He was poised, with his guitar in the attack position. He reached into his pocket for a flask, and poured his strongest Scotch into the instrument. It glowed and buzzed with electric energy. The hum was audible. Tee Bone was ready.
Then, with a loud BOOM, a cloud of dust exploded on the ground, a mere fifty meters away! With every fiber on alert, Tee Bone was like a runner, ready to sprint into action. He breathed deep and steady as he waited for the dust to clear.
He could not believe his eyes. Before him was a woman dressed entirely in silver, bearing a red guitar, and perfectly straight long brown hair. Even after that power landing, her hair was salon-perfect while her silver skirt remained un-mussed. A figure jumped off her back, and landed beside her. The pair began walking towards Tee Bone Man, with the woman in silver in front and the other figure, a bearded man, trailing behind.
“Stop and identify yourselves!” commanded Tee Bone. “This is private property and we just had the lawn maintained!”
The woman was not slowing down. “Tee Bone Man, I presume?” she asked with an aggressive tone.
“The same,” he answered. “And who might you be?” Then he squinted as he focused on the man. “Brainiac?? Is that you?”
“Hey, Tee,” answered Mike with a sullen heart.
The woman turned to Mike with an eyebrow raised. “‘Brainiac’? They call you Brainiac instead of Mike?”
“Long story, Edie,” he answered. “I always beat them at music trivia.”
“Them?” she asked.
“Yes, there’s two of them. Superdekes will be inside, keeping tabs on us,” he responded.
“You haven’t answered my question!” reminded Tee Bone Man. “Who are you again?”
The woman walked right up to him. Though Tee Bone Man was several inches taller, Edie Van Heelin’s boots enabled her to look him right in the eye.
“The name’s Edie Van Heelin’. I see you know Fanboy Mike.”
Tee Bone removed his glasses. “‘Fanboy Mike’? You call him Fanboy Mike?” He turned to look at the Brainiac. “I feel like you’ve had a whole other life we didn’t know about!”
Edie piped up. “He’s my partner, and we’ve come to bring you to justice, Tee Bone Man.”
The radio buzzed. “What’s going on out there man, check in…” said Superdekes over the airwaves.
Tee Bone buzzed him back. “It’s OK. Sit tight. Brainiac is here with a friend of his. I got this.” The radio squawked with surprise from Deke before Tee Bone killed the transmission. He then returned his attention to Edie. “Justice for what, exactly? I’ve heard of you, by the way. I’ve seen your band on Youtube. You are a brilliant guitar player, and I’d like to jam with you when this is over. But seriously, do you know who I am, and what we do here!? We are not your enemies.”
“I tried to explain…” interjected Mike, but Edie was not backing down.
“I know you abuse animals!” she shot like bullets. “We’ve seen a holographic recording. We know what happened at your camp!” revealed Edie Van Heelin’.
Tee Bone’s jaw dropped. Camp! Why did everything always have to go back to that vacation, at camp? That damned squirrel…Ripper, now his friend…once his tormentor.
Tee Bone put down his guitar and raised his hands in mock surrender. “OK, OK, I get it. We have a severe misunderstanding here.”
“A misunderstanding?” Edie was furious now. Mike the Brainiac began unconsciously backing up, one small step at a time. The tension was palpable. Edie was still in command of the situation, questioning Tee Bone Man hard. “We saw a recording of you attacking a squirrel, locking it into a rocket, and launching into who knows where! Do you deny it?”
Tee Bone shrugged. “Well, no, that did happen,” he acknowledged.
Edie smirked. “That’s all I needed to know.”
“Edie, no!” shouted Mike, but it was too late.
Igniting her rocket boots, Edie Van Halen shot directly into Tee Bone Man, tackling him off his feet, and into the air! His black stealth guitar lay on the ground, where Mike was now standing alone. He watched the contrails as Edie rocketed Tee Bone Man far away from Deke’s Palace and all its defenses.
Mike kicked the dirt in frustration. “Smart move,” he grumbled. “I’d better go talk to Deke.” He picked up Tee Bone Man’s guitar and ran towards the Palace entrance, now that Edie and Tee were completely out of sight.
Over the skies of Thunder Bay, a mighty battle was taking place.
An unarmed Tee Bone Man was being carried by the cape, across the sky, by a rocket-powered Edie Van Heelin’.
“I’ll show you what we do with animal abusers!” she warned him as she wound up and threw him into a patch of tall trees. Tee Bone Man hit the trunk of one tree hard. He moaned aloud, and fell to the ground limp. Edie Van Heelin’ landed a short distance away. “You have two choices. You can surrender now, and I turn you into the authorities. Or, you can keep on getting your butt kicked by a girl. Up to you.”
Tee Bone wiped a splash of blood off his lower lip. “Well, I’m not what you’d call a masochist, but I’m also not one for giving up so easily.” Then he winked at her. “Catch.”
“Catch what?” she asked, just as Tee Bone threw his radio right at her head. Distracted, she swatted it away, but it was too late. Tee Bone was airborne and getting away.
“Aw, heck!” said Edie as she ignited her rocket boots in pursuit.
Back at Deke’s Palace, Mike and Deke sat nervously by the radio.
“Come in Tee Bone Man! Come in Tee Bone Man!” said Deke urgently. He turned to Mike. “Nothing. Channel is dead.”
Mike was sweating. “This day could not have gone any worse!”
“You wanna start from the beginning again?” asked Superdekes. “What the hell is going on here! Something about the squirrel?”
“That’s right,” answered Mike. “Tommy Lee showed us a holographic recording. Tee Bone attacked a squirrel, put him in a rocket, and fired him off somewhere. It was not a pretty video, Deke. Tee Bone looked insane! And Edie has zero tolerance for animal abusers. That’s her passion. Even more than music.”
Deke knew part of this story already. Camp…Tee Bone’s sanity frayed…that pesky squirrel driving him to the breaking point. But he also knew that the squirrel, now known as Ripper, was safe and sound in his room. Deke turned back to Mike.
“So all this time we’ve known you, you’ve had a secret life as a sidekick to a superhero?” questioned Deke.
“Well, no, not all this time. It’s a fairly recent thing. But yes, we’ve had plenty of adventures so far. And she’s a rock star too. Wolfgang Van Halen is producing her debut album.”
“And how powerful is she?” continued Deke, impressed but focused on the task.
“Very,” said Mike grimly. “She’s a match for Tee Bone Man. I don’t know her whole origin story yet, but when she has those rocket boots on she’s unstoppable. Her guitar is a weapon, similar to Tee’s. But where she has the edge, and where Tee Bone Man is in serious trouble, is that she can communicate with animals. She could summon a dozen skunks and command them to attack. She’s done it before.”
“Ewwww!” said Deke. “Shit, I say no to that!” He then stood up and made his way to the garage. “Still, if she’s more than a match for Tee Bone, then it’s time Tee Bone had some backup. I’ll be on my flying motorcycle. You mind the Palace. Don’t let any animals in. Understand?”
“Roger roger,” answered Mike as he handed Tee Bone Man’s guitar over to Deke. “He’ll be needing this.” Mike sat at the security monitors and spoke with concern. “Deke…don’t hurt her. Please.” Deke nodded affirmative as he left the room. But Deke didn’t know if he would be able to keep that promise. He put his helmet on and mounted his flying bike. It was go time!
Moments later, and with a mighty blast, Mike heard Deke take to the skies. He sighed.
“It’s all out of my hands now,” said a despondent Mike as his slouched into his chair.
Tee Bone Man was flying as fast he could, but Edie was still gaining on him.
“Last warning!” she announced. As she pursued, she took steady aim with her bright red guitar. With an arpeggio of perfect notes, she sent a sonic blast right at Tee Bone Man. It hit him square on the back and he shuddered as he struggled to maintain flight.
“I felt that one!” said Tee Bone Man to himself. “This is great…no radio, no guitar, no Superdekes, and I’m being pursued by an obsessed woman in a silver dress…on any other day, that wouldn’t be so bad!”
He took evasive action, now diving towards the trees. Edie was right behind him. She took another shot with her guitar, crunchy power chords, but they impacted the tree canopy as Tee Bone took cover beneath.
Edie landed in the forest, unable to see Tee Bone Man. She looked around and raised her arms.
“Canadian raccoons! To my side!”
In moments, a gaze of raccoons was gathering at her silver-clad feet. Edie instructed the raccoons.
“There’s a bad man in these woods! Tell me where he is, but do not engage!” she commanded. The raccoons obeyed and scattered. Edie waited. And waited. Suddenly, she heard the cry of the raccoons, alerting her that Tee Bone Man was just a little further south. Edie set off in pursuit, following the sound of the raccoons.
Through the trees, she heard rockets. She saw only fleeting glimpses, but intuited that this must be the infamous Superdekes, Tee Bone Man’s partner. “Partner in animal abuse,” she spat.
Surely enough, Deke was now on the ground, on his motorcycle, directly in her path and roaring her way. Edie stood at the ready, guitar aimed right at Superdekes’ helmet. Deke slowed, raised his arms, and dismounted his bike.
“It’s OK lady, I’m not going to hurt you. Edie Van Heelin’, right?”
Edie laughed. “Hurt me? Unlikely my friend. You must be Superdekes. Do you stand with animal abusers?” She was visibly angry.
Deke removed his helmet, revealing his aged, battle-rugged but wise features. “I stand with my friend,” he announced. “But you only have half the story.”
“I don’t care. I saw what he did, and he admitted it. Stand with your friend, fall with your friend,” she warned. Edie placed her silver fingertips on the fretboard and pulled off some impressive two-handed tapping. The sound wave rippled towards Superdekes…where it dissipated harmlessly around him. Deke smiled.
“My newest gadget. Electronic sound baffles. I designed this for my arch enemy, a bassist. But it can nullify guitar frequencies just as easily. You can’t hurt me with that, Edie,” boasted Deke.
Edie was unphased. “I don’t have to. Canadian blue jays! Attack!” Edie pointed right at Deke, just as a formation of four blue jays dive-bombed him. Deke got his helmet back on just in time, as it was doused in gross blue jay poo. Largely harmless, but the attack bought Edie time enough to escape.
“Those would have been porcupines if you weren’t friends with Mike!” she warned. Igniting her rocket boots, Edie soared once again over the treeline. She hovered, searching for Tee Bone Man, who was nowhere to be seen.
“Tee Bone Man! Show yourself and finish this!” she commanded.
Moments later, a streak of colour could be seen in the sky. It was Tee Bone Man, returned to battle. And he had his guitar this time. With his trademark Van Halen mask over his face, Tee Bone Man spoke.
“We have more in common than you think, Mrs. Van Heelin’,” he cautioned. “This doesn’t have to go this way.”
Edie faced him, fiercely, one more time. “I don’t think you quite understand, Tee Bone Man. Nothing is more important to me than the safety of the animals. I saw what you did, and you admitted it. There’s nothing more to discuss. Surrender. You are breaking Fanboy Mike’s heart.”
“Leave the Brainiac out of this,” advised Tee Bone Man. “You don’t know what really happened at camp!”
Edie placed her silver nail on her lips. “OK. Fine. Convince me. You have 60 seconds.”
Tee Bone Man took a deep breath and tried to explain. “Last summer at camp…there was a squirrel. The one you saw on your recording. A recording that I did not know existed, and when this is over, we need to look at who was responsible for making it. Why they were spying on me on my vacation.”
“You’re wasting time,” noted Edie as she pointed to her watch.
“That squirrel, Ripper, engaged in a combination of harassment and psychological warfare with me…he broke my sanity with his constant, non-stop attacks at camp. I was not in control of my faculties. I did not hurt him. It was the opposite! And he is safe now, I only shot him off to Australia…”
Edie interrupted. “Australia? You monster!”
“I’m telling you, I had no other choice! It was him or me. That squirrel is not what he seems!”
Edie made mock crying motions with her hands. “Aww, poor Tee Bone Man was harassed by a squirrel! Cry me a river! Sorry, Tee Bone Man…this is not good enough. Not for me!” She raised her guitar, chugged a riff out with some serious right hand picking, and blasted him full force in the chest. It sent him tumbling, but Tee Bone Man recovered quickly and moved into attack position.
“Hey Edie!” shouted Tee Bone. “Have you met my friend Superdekes yet?” Edie looked puzzled, just as a volley of sonic bursts exploded right behind her. It was Superdekes on his flying bike, and he was unloading everything he had.
“Better climb!” shouted Edie as she hit the afterburners on her boots. She rocketed out of range, leaving a contrail in her wake.
“Follow the contrail!” advised Superdekes, as Tee Bone roared in pursuit.
Tee Bone took aim with his own guitar, and sent a blast Edie’s way. She was too fast. With her afterburners on, she was able to break the sound barrier, and outrun anything he threw at her. But Edie could not keep the afterburners on forever!
Edie, fleeing at top speed, heard a beeping in her earpiece and noticed her fuel was alarmingly low. She only had about 10 minutes of flight left, at best. Less if she maintained this velocity.
“Chances are I can refuel back at their headquarters, if I can beat them there, and if Mike will help me get inside,” thought Edie. “That’s a big ‘if’.” She changed course. Heading: Deke’s Palace.
Back at the Palace, Mike was glued to the screens. He was joined by Ripper, seated on the control desk and eating acorns from his hand. Ripper munched, and looked up at the Brainiac.
“Squee?” inquired Ripper.
“Sorry buddy,” answered the Brainiac. “I don’t speak squirrel. But if you’re worried about Tee Bone and Superdekes, so am I.”
Mike’s earpiece, given to him by Edie, buzzed.
“Mike! Mike! Are you there? I’m heading your way. Out of fuel. Need your help to fuel up. They must have rocket fuel there, for the flying bike.”
Mike answered excitedly. “Yes! Yes there is, in Deke’s garage here. Are you OK?”
“Don’t worry about me, get the fuel ready! I’m inbound now – 60 seconds to landing!”
Mike didn’t know what to do! By helping Edie, he could be dooming Deke and Tee. By not helping Edie, he could be putting her in terrible danger. Ripper looked up at him with pleading in his eyes. He didn’t want anyone to get hurt.
Then an idea struck. “Wait a minute…I might not be able to speak squirrel…but I do know someone who can! Come on, Ripper! I can only hope that the truth of the story exonerates Tee Bone, but you will have to tell Edie Van Heelin’ what really happened at camp!” Ripper nodded yes eagerly, and climbed up Brainiac’s arm onto his shoulder.
“Come on…let’s go outside and meet her there.”
At that exact moment, Edie Van Heelin’ came to a crash landing right at the garage doors!
“Edie! Edie! You OK!”
Edie sat in the dirt and wiped the dust off her silver skirt. “I’m good, I’m good…rough landing…ran out of juice about 20 seconds ago and had to improvise a crash landing. You have the fuel?”
Mike hesitated. “Yes…and I have something else too. Someone else.” Edie noticed Ripper standing at attention on Mike’s shoulder.
Edie’s face suddenly softened as she saw the animal.
“Awwww! Who’s this?! You cutie! Canadian squirrels are simply too adorable!”
Mike did the introductions.
“Edie, this is Ripper. Ripper, this is Edie. Edie, Ripper has something he needs to tell you.”
A short distance away, both Tee Bone Man and Superdekes came to quiet landings. They watched from a safe distance as Ripper ran down Mike’s arm, and up onto Edie’s silver dress.
“Oh, careful with the claws little guy! Tickles,” she laughed as Ripper stepped close to her ear. “Mike, fuel the boots!”
Mike did as he was asked, even as he hoped and prayed this conflict would end here and now. He attached a nozzle to Edie’s left boot. Seeing Tee Bone and Deke holding their positions, he nodded to them that everything was alright. He looked up. “Come on Ripper. Out with it. Tell her.”
Edie listened as Ripper spoke in squirrel language. All Mike could hear was squee-squee-squee. To Edie, it was plain as English.
“Hi Edie, I really like your dress,” said Ripper into her ear. “But you don’t understand. Tee Bone Man didn’t hurt me. He saved me!”
Edie was puzzled. “Saved you how? I saw the recording. He attacked you and tossed you into a rocket like a test animal from the 1950s!”
“I deserved it Edie!” screeched Ripper. “What Tee Bone did was a favour! He arrived at camp, and I harassed him harder than I have ever tortured a human. I dropped poop on his head! I kept him awake all night! I nearly gave him a heart attack! I literally drove him insane! But rather than kill me, which he could have done if he wanted to, he launched me in a rocket to Australia. It was there I met Harrison Holden…they call him El Moustachio. Moustachio showed me kindness. He was the first human to treat me as a friend and not a pest. My life changed that day! Harrison saved me. And it would not have happened if Tee Bone did not launch me in a rocket. That is the truth. He is not a bad guy. He is the good guy. You have everything all wrong, Edie! As you know, we squirrels cannot tell a lie. Our brains are simply not complex enough to comprehend a lie. Please Edie…call it off. Call it off.”
Edie noticed that Tee Bone Man and Superdekes had joined them.
“What did he tell you, Edie”? asked Tee Bone.
“He told me it wasn’t your fault. That you actually helped him. That you showed him mercy when you did not have to,” answered Edie with relief in her voice.
Tee Bone Man nodded. “It’s true. All of it.”
Superdekes extended a hand. “Truce?”
Edie looked down at his hand, paused a moment, and embraced it. “Truce,” she responded.
“Keep the rocket fuel,” winked Deke.
“I only fueled up one boot,” advised Mike. “Don’t leave without fueling up the other or it’ll be an awkward flight home!”
Edie faced Tee Bone Man and Superdekes. “Boys…I am so sorry about this…”
Tee Bone raised his hand, and Edie stopped.
“I understand. You don’t need to explain. I get it; I am an animal lover too. We all are. Living in Thunder Bay, we are always surrounded by nature.”
“Yeah,” continued Deke. “I’d never hurt an animal Edie.”
“It’s beautiful here!” exclaimed Edie. “I could live here. This is paradise!”
Mike took a deep breath and sighed in relief. “I’m glad this is over! This has been the most stressful day of my life!”
“Thanks for sorting this one out, Fanboy,” answered Edie. “Glad to have you by my side on this one.” She smiled a deep smile and hugged her friend.
Tee Bone pointed his finger back and forth at the pair. “So how do you know each other again? Van Heelin’ is based out of California, are they not? How’d you meet?” asked Tee, referring to Edie’s Van Halen tribute band.
“It’s a long story…” started Edie.
“I was drooling all over her after a club gig,” interrupted Mike. “She must have thought I resembled a puppy dog or something, because we’ve been friends ever since.” Edie smiled back at him.
“Well, I remember it somewhat differently,” she chuckled. “You were very flattering and respectful.”
“Flattery is one word for it…” mumbled Mike under his breath.
Tee Bone Man stepped in. “Now that we’ve got this situation under control, we need to start asking some bigger questions. Come on…let’s go inside. You drink Scotch, Edie?”
Edie laughed. “Never!” Tee Bone and Superdekes both dropped their jaws. “But I sure could go for a hot tea. You boys have tea this far north?”
Deke nodded affirmative. “Sure do. Brainiac here has been drinking tea on his recent visits, in fact.”
“Gee, I wonder why that would be?” said Mike as he nudged Edie in the side.
The group of four humans and one squirrel headed inside Deke’s Palace, just as the sun began to set.
“Green tea with local honey, as ordered!” said Deke as he presented Edie with a steaming hot cup. “Careful with that!” he advised.
Tee Bone entered the room, having changed from his cape and costume. He was now wearing a Habs jersey, jeans, and his favourite Iron Maiden socks. Deke took a seat in his armchair, while Mike and Edie shared a chaise lounge. Ripper sat upon Edie’s shoulder.
“So, here’s what we know so far,” began Tee Bone. “You two were shown a selectively edited holographic recording. It showed you the last few moments of what happened at camp last summer. That alone suggested to me, this was all a setup. Someone with access to high technology was spying on me, and used this information to send you two here to take me down. That’s alarming. Who do we know with this kind of technology?”
Deke shook his head. “Not Common Knowledge. He’d be lost with that kind of tech.”
“And definitely not Marchand,” added Tee.
Edie shot up off the lounge. “Shinzon!”
“Who?” asked Tee Bone and Superdekes simultaneously.
Mike explained. “Shinzon. He’s an Australian clone that we ran into a short while ago. Remember the worldwide Lego disappearance?” Everyone nodded yes. A worldwide Lego disappearance isn’t easily forgotten. “That was all Shinzon, and he had crazy tech!” finished the Brainiac.
“Do you have a picture of this Shinzon, Brainiac?” asked Tee Bone.
“I do!” answered Mike as he reached for his phone.
“When were you taking pictures on that mission, Mike??” asked Edie.
“I’m always documenting all our adventures, Edie!” answered the Brainiac. “One day, I’m going to write everything down and post all our adventures on a website for people to read.” He paused as he scrolled. “Here. Shinzon. That’s him at the Toys R Us store where we first encountered him.” Mike handed the phone over to Tee Bone, who removed his glasses to take a closer look.
“Dear God! Look at this, Superdekes!” He brought the phone over to Deke.
“No way,” said Deke as he stared. “He looks exactly like Moustachio!”
It suddenly clicked for Mike. “Moustachio! The Australian guy I met here at your Christmas party! You’re right!”
Deke put two pictures up on the big screens, side by side to compare. On the left, Harrison Holden, Australian and moustached. On the right, an identical face, equally Australian, only baby-smooth and hairless!
Edie leaned in to whisper in Mike’s ear. “Notice they both have the same silky smooth hair?”
“I did notice that!” Mike whispered back.
“I’ll be back,” said Deke as he excused himself momentarily.
“The hell is going on here?!” exclaimed Tee Bone. “Who would create an evil opposite clone of Moustachio? What does he want with us? How does Tommy Lee fit into all this?”
Ripper said something into Edie’s ear. “I concur, Ripper.” She faced the group. “Guys, what Ripper is saying makes sense. He says it must have been a setup! He says Shinzon clearly wanted us to battle each other, to take one or both of us out at the same time. Shinzon obviously gave that tech to Tommy Lee, to give to me. Tommy has been a recurring problem in our lives,” said Edie as Mike made a face, remembering Tommy Lee’s “Bouncy Castle”. Edie continued the story. “Shinzon has been repeatedly targeting Mike and I for some time now. He’s clearly in league with Tommy Lee, and Lee is not to be trusted. In fact we have to assume all of Motley Crue is compromised.”
“Not Mick Mars,” corrected Tee Bone Man. “He’s out of the band now.”
“OK,” said Edie. “Thanks for clarification.”
Mike stepped up now. “Here’s the thing. We think Shinzon is working for someone else. Someone higher up the food chain. Someone providing him with all this tech.”
“You mean this kind of tech?” asked Deke as he returned to the room. In his hands was some kind of sophisticated camera. “Look what I found in the trees.” He dropped it on the coffee table in the center of the room.
“What is it?” asked Edie.
“That, Mrs. Van Heelin’, is a holographic recorder. Just like the one they would have been using at Tee Bone’s camp. This is how they got the recording. This one has probably been in the trees since at least last summer.”
Nobody spoke as the weight of all this fell on them. Finally, Edie broke the silence.
“In a way, I’m relieved. Mike and I are no longer in this alone,” she said.
“That’s right!” exclaimed Mike as he stood. “Shinzon wanted you two to take each other down, but the opposite has happened! Instead, he has joined us together!”
The realization set in across the room.
“A super team…” pondered Edie.
“United in purpose…” added Mike.
“With technology equal to any that they have!” said Deke.
“What should we call ourselves?” asked Tee Bone.
“How about…the Northern Lights?” suggested Mike.
“But I’m not Canadian!” protested Edie.
“Yes you are…you are Canadian at heart, right guys?” The whole group, even Ripper, nodded yes.
“The Northern Lights! I like it!” said Tee Bone Man. He then turned towards Edie. “I believe I promised you a jam, my new friend.”
“Heck yeah!” said Edie with excitement. “How about some Van Halen?”
Tee Bone went to go retrieve the guitars. “I can do some Van Halen. Got any songs in mind?”
“My theme song!” said Edie. “‘Drop Dead Legs’!”
Tee Bone winked. “Perfect! Let’s rock!”
The two rocked out the main riff, and Edie stepped up to the microphone.
“Drop dead legs, pretty smile! Hurts my head, gets me wild! Dig that steam, giant butt…”
Mike laughed at that line, jumped up, and joined in on lead vocals.
“…Makes me scream, I get nuh-nuh-nothing but the shakes over you! And nothing else could ever do!”
Deke and Ripper pounded their fists and paws from the comfort of their chairs while an awesome jam session went down right there in Deke’s Palace.
The powers of evil had best take warning, now that the Northern Lights were on the watch!
Epilogue
From his hideout in space, Shinzon dreaded making the call he was about to make. That he had to make. He had no choice but to make. He hit the transmit button.
“Shinzon to HQ. Shinzon to HQ. Come in. Is he there?”
The communications crackled.
“Report, Shinzon,” came a distorted voice.
“Everything’s fine here, everything’s normal. How are you?” squeaked Shinzon.
“Did your messenger boy Lee deliver the hologram to the Van Heelin’ woman?” asked the voice.
“He sure did,” answered Shinzon, without going further. He would not be getting off so easy this time.
“And??” questioned the impatient voice.
Shinzon attempted to placate the voice. “Well, just as you predicted, she took the bait. She faced Tee Bone Man. Just like you said she would.”
“Stop stalling Shinzon! Report in full or I shall have your shoulders relieved of that lump you call a head!”
“Well…ummm…this is where reality departs from the story we hoped to tell. They fought, but we didn’t count on interference from the Fanboy. He brokered a truce between them…they formed an alliance…and that is where my surveillance ends, as Superdekes found my recording device.”
There was nothing but static from the communications console. Finally, after an agonizingly long wait, the voice spoke again.
“They formed an alliance.”
Shinzon gulped. “Yes my Lord.”
“Come see me. Immediately.” The channel went dead.
Shinzon was in deep doo doo this time.
“I’ll avenge myself upon you, Fanboy Mike, Edie Van Heelin’ and Tee Bone Man,” he murmured to himself. “This is not over. In fact, it is only the beginning.”
NEXT TIME…THE MULTIVERSE SAGA BEGINS WITH SHINZON: ORIGINS!
THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN: PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA
Chapter Zero: Tee Bone Man – Origins (by LeBrain)
Chapter One: A Friend in Need (by LeBrain)
Chapter Two: Hell Freezes Over (by Harrison Kopp)
Chapter Three: Hell Ain’t A Bad Place to Be (by LeBrain)
Chapter Four: Tee Bone Man and the Rink of…Doom? (by Aaron KMA)
Chapter Five: The Super Duper Vault (by John T. Snow)
Chapter Six: Tee Bone Man Goes to Camp (by LeBrain)
Chapter Seven: The Revenge of Common Knowledge (by LeBrain)
Chapter Eight: Tee Bone & Deke’s Time Travelling Adventure (by 80sMetalMan)
Chapter Nine: Castle Communications (by Harrison Kopp)
Chapter Ten: The Case of the Lost Iron Maiden Socks (by LeBrain)
Chapter Eleven: A Tee Bone Man Christmas (by all five of us)
Chapter Twelve: Lost In Space (by John T. Snow)
Chapter Thirteen: Clip Show (by LeBrain)
Chapter Fourteen: Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Discover the Tao (An Intermission) (By Aaron KMA)
Chapter Fifteen: Status Acoustic – The Really Big Deal (by Harrison Kopp)
Chapter Sixteen: A Crazy Crazy Night (part 1) (by Harrison Kopp)
Chapter Sixteen: A Crazy Crazy Night (part 2) (by Harrison Kopp)
Chapter Sixteen: A Crazy Crazy Night (part 3) (by Harrison Kopp)
Chapter Seventeen: Tee Bone Man vs. Edie Van Heelin’ (by LeBrain)
THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN: PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA
Chapter Eighteen: Shinzon – Origins (By LeBrain) Coming next month
Noirison Part One (By Holen) Coming soon
Rock and Roll Heaven (by 80sMetalMan) TBA
Shinzon – Dread and the Fugitive Mind (By Harrison Kopp) TBA
“Plan B” (By LeBrain) TBA
“Plan D” (By LeBrain) TBA
THE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’
The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’: Edie vs. Tommy Lee in the Bouncy Castle of Doom! (By LeBrain)
The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’: Edie and the Quest for the Lost Lego (By LeBrain with Harrison Kopp)
The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’: Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation (By LeBrain)
The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’: Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation Part 2 (By LeBrain & California Girl)
The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’: Edie Meets the Wolf (by LeBrain)
The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’: Edie’s Winter Vacation (By LeBrain & California Girl)
THE WRITER’S ROOM
The Writer’s Room: Chapter One
The Writer’s Room: It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like a Tee Bone Man Christmas
The Writer’s Room: Welcome to the Writer’s Room!
Final note from the author
Dear readers,
In early 2022, I wanted to get into writing more fiction, and also wanted to thank Troy Erickson for his tireless work providing music and artwork for the LeBrain Train (and later Grab A Stack of Rock). In gratitude, I decided to write a story for him, with Troy as a superhero! I came up with the idea of “Tee Bone Man” and his partner Superdekes. This was loosely based on a comic book my friends and I worked on in highschool called Brett-Lore. We created fictional science fiction versions of ourselves, and passed the book around, allowing different kids to write the next pages. Tee Bone Man isn’t that different in conception. It started with just one, but seven authors have contributed to date, with the amazing Harrison Kopp behind all the incredible Lego artwork.
Brett-Lore
I used to say that Chapter Six, Tee Bone Goes to Camp, was my best work. It has now been supplanted. I am so proud of Tee Bone Vs. Edie! This was my favourite to write, a real pet project for me. It’s my favourite to re-read, and I think it has some of Harrison’s greatest artwork. It’s like he reached into my mind and created what I was seeing! I don’t know how he does it, but he did it. What a way to wrap up the Squirrel Saga – full circle! Hard to believe that a goofy gimmick I cooked up over a year ago (Tee Bone vs. nature, and nature manifesting as a pesky little squirrel) turned into an entire saga of connected stories. I enjoyed playing with Tee Bone’s sanity, and that little rodent absolutely destroyed him! It was so fun to write.
It was Harrison that named the squirrel “Ripper” and envisioned him as a new friend and ally for Moustachio. He first hinted at this with a satchel full of acorns in Chapter Nine: Castle Communications. Did you catch that? He even foreshadowed Ripper’s future importance in the story art for Chapter Seven: The Revenge of Common Knowledge. How many of you picked up on that?
In August 2022, I conceived of the Edie Van Heelin’ character, and then refined her with the California Girl over a series of prototypical stories. At first, these were intended to take place in a standalone universe, but I quickly abandoned that idea and began plotting her eventual crossover with Tee Bone Man. This was foreshadowed for the first time within the Tee Bone Man stories in Chapter Eleven: A Tee Bone Man Christmas, when my character the Brainiac was brought home by a mysterious woman in rocket boots. The rocket boots were always California Girl’s idea. Given her real-life love of wild animals, it was only logical to have her super power be the ability to talk them. Immediately, it made sense to use this as a way to wrap up the Squirrel Saga, and also to introduce the idea of crossovers for the upcoming Multiverse Saga we’re cooking up.
The Squirrel Saga took 15 months to fully unfold. The elements we’re preparing for the Multiverse Saga are going to take even longer to play out. Strap yourselves in, folks. Things are about to get much, much bigger.
Harrison has been buying the Lego sets needed to create the upcoming artwork out of pocket. I have also started buying parts to assist with the artwork. If you want to help us fund these future Tee Bone Man stories, it sure would be cool if you bought a mug, sticker, shirt, magnet, or anything you prefer. The link is below. I’ll make sure Harrison gets his cut.
Writing these stories has been an amazing experience for so many reasons. One, it is a privilege to bring in guys like John Snow, Aaron, and the 80s Metal Man and see what kind of stories they can cook up with these characters. With Harrison at the table in stories and art, we have a pretty incredible group of guys here. Each one has his own style. And now Holen is at the table too, bringing in a noir slant from an alternate universe. (Look for “Noirison”, part one, coming soon.) Another reason I’m so lucky is the ability to express myself in a completely different way. As you will see with some of the upcoming stories, I am writing with passion like never before!
But hopefully, also still fun. Adventures with a rock and roll / heavy metal foundation are what I brought into Brett-Lore 34 years ago, and that’s what Tee Bone Man always will be at its core. The things we are planning with the Multiverse Saga will shock, amaze, and amuse, all while delivering the mindblowing Lego art you’re used to. We can’t wait for you to read it. It all kicks off next month with Chapter Nineteen: Shinzon – Origins!
I sincerely love everyone who has ever read a Tee Bone Man or Edie Van Heelin’ story. Thank you for spending your time with us.
Mike “LeBrain” Ladano
GET YOUR TEE BONE MAN VS EDIE VAN HEELIN’ SHIRTS & MERCH AT THE TEEPUBLIC STORE!
mikeladano.com 