Fiction

Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures: Chapter 2 – Train of Consequences Part Two – A Tee Bone Man Multiverse Story (by Harrison Kopp)

Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures
Chapter 2:  Train of Consequence – Part Two

A Tee Bone Man Multiverse Story

By Harrison Kopp

Continued from Train of Consequence –  Part One

 

 

El Moustachio was in the middle of the most peculiar dream. He was being assailed by a large creature that appeared to be made of baked beans. It was too big to fight so he tried to turn and run, but he found he was having difficulty moving his legs.

Looking down he saw the reason. It seemed that his entire body was made of oatmeal. Uh oh he thought to himself, if only LeBacon was here to save my, well, bacon. The creature reached out to grab him, and it all went to black as Moustachio awoke with a startle.

What on earth was all that supposed to mean? He thought to himself. No immediate answers came so, as it was still night, he rolled over and tried to get back to sleep. The rest of the night passed without incident, that was, until Harriet woke him up at the crack of dawn.

 

Bang.

The tranquil of the early morning was broken by the sound of a gunshot as El Mousachio went through a series of target practise exercises. He was a little off the mark at distance but had retained most of his skill with firearms. A few more shots and the rest of the bottles were shattered.

“Looks like you’ve got a handle on it”, Harriet said. “Let’s go get some breakfast. I’m sure the others will be up by now.”

Moustachio was happy to oblige, following her inside. After a filling meal of bacon and eggs, the group set off to enact their parts of the plan.

Phase one of the plan went without a hitch. Break into the nearby train yard and commandeer the fastest locomotive around. Phase two was about to begin now- riding that locomotive right up against Crawford’s personal train and unleashing all hell onto it until it was no longer on the rails.

The train was flying along the tracks as fast as it would go. Michelle was getting every ounce of power possible out of the boiler and they were due to catch up to Crawford any second now.

The sound of Sandy’s biplane overhead came right on cue. The air support would be sure to come in handy during this operation.

 

 

Throughout the train, most of the Rovers were preparing themselves for the coming battle. Derryn and Tracy covered the rear, Jex took the central position and Moustachio and Harriet stood at the front.

And there it was. The Constitution. Crawford’s personal locomotive. One of the fastest trains on the tracks, the only reason the Rovers were able to catch it was the series of carriages it was hauling behind it.

Moustachio checked his revolver. Six shots, with another six in his jacket pocket. It would have to do. They didn’t have much to go around after the airship crash.

“Target sighted!”, Harriet cried from the front, and The Rovers immediately snapped to attention. Sure enough, another train could be seen ahead on the parallel rail line. As The Rover’s locomotive drew alongside, Harriet took the first shot, striking the metal nameplate with a metallic ping.

But it seemed Crawford had anticipated the chance of an attack, because his train was crawling in his own private militia of employees. Upon sighting the approaching train, they unleashed a volley of shots on it, striking a number of metal panels but thankfully none of the Rovers.

Harriet’s group returned fire, hitting a number of Crawford’s men. Moustachio landed two on a man with a bushy beard, and just missed one in a wide brim hat. But then things took a turn for the worse. There were still plenty of enemies on the train, and some of Crawford’s thugs had just uncovered a gatling gun mounted on one of the carriages.

“Get down!” Derryn yelled.

A cacophonous explosion of metal ricocheting filled their ears as bullets spewed forward in all directions. Shattered glass rained down on everyone as the windows blew out. Not much longer and the whole carriage would be riddled with bullets, and the pinned-down Rovers with it.

 

Up above Sandy could see the machine gun in action and knew she had to act quick. She lined up her flightpath with where the trains would be shortly and pointed the nose down. The plane descended as the trains got closer to Sandy’s crosshairs. A second before they reached it Sandy began to open fire, raining bullets down on the ground.

One second later, success. A number of direct hits on the train and its occupants. The men operating the gun were now in no state to do so anymore. But Sandy couldn’t celebrate just yet. First she had to get her plane back out of a collision course with the ground.

It was tight, but she managed to level the biplane and get it ascending again without skimming the treetops.

Deryn whooped with joy as Sandy’s plane flew over and took advantage of the scrambling militia on the other train, nailing one of them in the shoulder. He fell over the edge, his scream instantly being outdistanced by the speeding trains.

But then, as if summoned by the heroes’ success, Tiberius Crawford himself emerged from one of the carriages. He took aim with a large revolver and struck true. Tracy fell to the floor, clutching her shoulder as the businessman retreated back into his armoured office on wheels.

This didn’t stop Harriet from peppering Crawford’s last know position with every shot left in her gun, however. This display summoned Tiberius’s left and right hand men, who engaged The Rovers themselves in a shootout.

Moustachio, meanwhile, had taken a moment to reload his pistol, ducking down behind a thick sheet of side plating. Six more shots and that would be it. Then it’s mano y mano. He stood up and began to take aim again.

“Gangway!” came Harriet’s yell from behind him.

Moustachio turned to see Harriet running down the carriage with an RPG in hand.

“Woah, why didn’t we lead with that?”, he asked her.

“I wanted him to see my face first.”, Harriet replied. “Now cover me!”, she yelled as she grabbed the railing at the edge of the coal tender.

 

The two swung out, weapons in hand. Moustachio fired twice, striking Crawford’s left hand man in the midsection, which dislodged him from the train to fall to the ground below. The right hand, meanwhile, had been struck in the shoulder and dropped his gun. He quickly ducked behind cover.

Harriet took aim with the rocket launcher. She lined up the shot with the cabin of Crawford’s locomotive and began to pull the trigger. But the uneven ground and rocking of the train at that very moment would betray her.

Instead of striking the cabin of the train, the rocket hit the just under the smokestack, blowing a large hole in the front of the train. But it was not enough. The Constitution ploughed on, spewing black smoke out over the two trains. Harriet threw the launcher aside and ducked back inside, coughing.

Up above a low drone filled Sandy’s ears, and she realised she was not alone. Above her a huge flying wing blocked out the sun as two escort fighters spiralled down, raining shots at the biplane.

Sandy immediately dove out of the way and began furiously formulating a plan to survive.

Down below the Rovers were unaware of this development, struggling to see their opponents in the thick smoke. At least Crawford’s men seemed to be having the same trouble, as none of the bullets flying managed to hit any of Harriet’s team.

The tracks briefly drew closer together than ever, and Moustachio took the opportunity to jump across the gap before they split up again. He ducked into the carriage office to catch his breath.

It wasn’t the office Crawford was using as refuge currently, but it was definitely one of his workspaces. Moustachio’s eyes were drawn to a lightbox on one of the walls and the sketches and plans on it. A diagram of an elongated skull in particular caught his eye.

Oh no no no no no n-hang on…this might work actually.

In the skies above Sandy was fighting a losing battle. Crawford’s planes were just too fast and too manoeuvrable for her. Bullets whizzed past her face, most of them taking parts of her biplane with them.

But despite the two planes on her tail, she managed to make one final attack run on the flying wing, giving it everything she had. It worked. Black smoke began to erupt from the engines as the plane wobbled and started to lose altitude.

And that was the last thing Sandy saw, as her plane erupted into flames and fell from the sky.

Derryn saw the whole thing. She screwed her face up in despair. This would wreck Harriet.

But while the fate of Sandy was largely unbeknownst to The Rovers, the entire group saw the flying wing streak overhead trailing copious amounts of smoke- including Crawford- who swore loudly as the plane crashed a few kilometres ahead of the trains.

He and his remaining henchman had managed to pin Harriet and Jex behind a piece of metal and were unloading everything they had at anything that stuck itself out from behind the metal sheet.

This did afford Derryn, a little further down the train, an opportunity. One that she took gladly, nailing Crawford’s left-hand man straight between the eyes.

 

Realising they now had the advantage, Jex and Harriet made a push, forcing Crawford to run down the train for the cargo section. The businessman, running behind cover, got his jacket snagged on a piece of metal. Briefly immobilised, his eyes met Moustachio’s. The Australian was further down the train, but he had half a chance.

Moustachio lined up the shot. The rocking of the train made it hard to aim true. Crawford was obscured and the distance didn’t make it easy, but Moustachio still thought maybe a lucky shot could do it.

“Argh”, he grumbled. No bullets flew forward and he holstered his pistol. Crawford tore his jacket free and fully ensconced himself behind the cover.

But the priorities immediately shifted when he got a glimpse of the upcoming track: the two lines were about to merge into one.

“Oh shit.”, he mouthed.

“BRACE FOR IMPACT!” he yelled, hoping anyone could hear him. Mousachio then curled himself up into a ball and wedged himself into the space between a seat and a table. Seconds later the inevitable was upon the two trains.

Crawford’s got there a nanosecond earlier, and The Rover’s train ploughed right into it. The two locomotives derailed in a spectacular explosion of flying metal. Digging deep divots into the ground, they left a long trail of destruction before coming to rest not far from one another.

Moustachio was the first to emerge, aching all over. He ran over to the other train to find Derryn and Michelle lying on the ground. They were both bleeding and it looked like Derryn had broken her leg. Jex had begun dressing their wounds. Harriet was anxiously looking around.

“I have to get to the downed plane.” Moustachio spoke. “It was carrying what Crawford’s after. With that we can bring him where we want, and then we’ll have the upper hand. It’ll make all this worth it”

“I’m coming with you.”, Harriet said.

“No, you have to stay here and protect Michelle and Derryn. If Crawford runs past after me take the shot, otherwise stay hidden.”

“But-“

The drone of Crawford’s two planes above ended the discussion.

“Protect her”, Moustachio said, pointing to Derryn as he turned and ran.

Digging through the burning wreckage of the flying wing, Moustachio ignored the cuts and burns on his hands. He had to get the crystal skull if he wanted any chance of getting home.

Come on! It has to be here. It can’t have been destroyed.

And thankfully it wasn’t. A little sooty, but entirely intact. Moustachio grabbed it and cradled it under his arm. Wasting no time, he turned and sprinted up the stairs to the entrance to the temple, taking them two at a time.

Running through the rocky halls, he soon came across a large solid door with carvings and markings in it. He felt around the door, desperately looking for a lever or a catch or anything that would open it. He found nothing. Not even an indent for the skull he held in his hands.

Shit. This isn’t how the temple’s supposed to be. What the hell am I going to do now? Moustachio thought to himself. The answer, it turned out, was lurch forward into the door as the bullet that entered his back forced him up against the door, leaving a bloody stain.

“Arrgghh.”, he growled as he dropped the crystal skull and slid down the door a few inches. Clutching his shoulder, he turned around to see Tiberius Crawford standing there, holding a smoking stopwatch.

“I was saving that one for De Haviland, you bastard.”, he snarled.

“And I had this one saved for you!”, Moustachio said, grabbing his pistol and firing his one remaining bullet square into Crawford’s chest.

Crawford bent over in pain and fell to his knees sputtering. Moustachio gloatingly walked over to him.

“You weren’t counting them were ya?”, he sneered at his fallen foe.

But Moustachio’s overconfidence would turn out to be his weakness too. Because Moustachio had chosen to shoot Crawford right in the heart. Only the businessman didn’t have a heart anymore. Literally.

Unknown to the Rovers, Crawford had only just barely survived another attempt on his life many years ago, and that survival came at the cost of his heart. A solid metal plate now covered the clockwork machinery that pumped blood around the businessman’s body.

So while faking an injury down on the ground, Crawford has surreptitiously grabbed a handful of sand and gravel. When Moustchio got close enough the older man launched the handful right into Australian’s eyes.

The effect was immediate. Moustachio staggered backwards, clawing at his face in pain. Taking immediate advantage of this, Crawford grabbed a larger rock from the ground nearby and hurled it at Mousachio’s head.

The Australian, though unable to see 100% clearly, was still able to infer what Crawford was doing and raised his arm to block the incoming projectile. Problem was, he raised his right arm, and the bullet in his shoulder prevented him from lifting it very high.

The rock struck him on the temple, cutting his skin open. Warm blood streaked through his hair and down the right side of his face. Stunned, he tried to steady his footing while Crawford closed the distance between them.

Pulling a knife from the back of his belt, the businessman jammed it into Moustachio’s side. The Australian let out a yelp of pain but held firm. He launched his fist into the businessman’s neck and used the second of time that he was afforded to grab Crawford’s knife and bring it down towards the old man’s own neck.

But Crawford had recovered, and just managed to direct the blade down against his left shoulder, where it clattered against the metal plating. One knee to the guts later and Moustachio had dropped the knife and staggered backwards in pain.

Wiping the blood from his brow, the Australian gritted his teeth and continued to face down the evil businessman in front of him. Crawford was once again brandishing the knife and was advancing on him.

It was then that a frightening realisation struck Moustachio: he was losing this fight. Fear shot through his heart, and he began to assess his escape options. They all involved going through Crawford, who was between him and the temple entrance.

So be it, Moustachio thought dodging Crawford’s latest swipe and laying his foot right into the businessman’s stomach. As Crawford dropped the knife and stepped backwards, the Australian began to run forward, but it was this that sealed his fate.

Because, after stumbling backwards, Crawford was able to grab a candleholder from near the entrance to the room. Wasting no time he swung it straight at the head of the advancing Moustachio. The Australian wasn’t able to react in time and copped the metal bar right in his face.

El Mousachio tumbled, falling off the edge of a sinkhole and into the blackness of the pit.

Smugly satisfied, Crawford began limping over to the large door. When he got there, he pulled out a peculiar cylinder, which he put to the lips of the crystal skull and then blew into. A ghostly, high-pitched sound filled the room, and the temple began to react.

A rumbling sound joined the whistling as the door began to open before Crawford. Holding the skull tightly to his body, he advanced into the chamber beyond. A grand, ornate hall filled with crystal skeletons perched upon chairs. And one of them was missing its skull.

Crawford walked up to the headless statue and placed the crystal skull atop it. Much like in a certain movie in Moustachio’s home dimension, it jumped into place. Only this was entirely real.

A low hum filled the room as each of the statues came to life. Crawford couldn’t move anymore. To an observer it would seem as if time had stood still, but there was very much happening within that room.

The skeletons gazed forward upon Crawford, judging his worth.

The judgement was death.

An instant later Crawford was nothing but ash, and the rumbling grew louder.

Down in the depths below the temple, Moustachio was not dead yet. But he probably wasn’t going to stay that way for long. The entire thing was crumbling around him as he held on for dear life to an outcrop he had managed to grab hold of on his way down.

Moustachio struggled to lift his arm to reach the next piece of grippable rock and his hands were slick with blood. And even if he made it out of the pit, could he even get out of the temple before being crushed or bleeding to death?

Then, in an instant, Moustachio’s had a thought run through his head. It was not as articulate as an actual sentence the thought, instead being more of a dozen thoughts coalescing into a single, crystal-clear realisation.

He was, of course, referring to the V8 Interceptor replica he and Tee Bone had drove down the Highway to Hell to get to Hell in their first adventure together. Satan had sent them back home directly, so the Interceptor should still be sitting where they left it.

Well, there’s certainly one way to get there. He thought as he looked down at the black abyss below him. Express elevator to Hell. Good enough I suppose.

And so, after a moment of reflection, El Moustachio let go of the rocks and allowed gravity to take him down.

As he fell, time slowed, and the Australian began to have second thoughts. Because, of course, he had neglected to think this through properly (not that he had much of a choice regarding his options). For starters, didn’t you have to be a bad person to go to Hell?

A jolt of panic shot through him. Had he thrown away a perfectly good life helping a world advance here just for a 1 in a million shot at getting home. What if this was it. The end of his life. Buried in a pit in the middle nowhere while his soul went to realms beyond. What if there was no coming back? No going home?

Ah well, it’s not like Heaven’s a terrible place to spend the afterlife anyway. He thought to himself.

Then he hit the ground.

A few days later the surviving members of The Rovers stood at the grave they had created for Sandy. It had taken them a bit of time to find the wreckage of the plane in the jungle, but it had been worth it to give her a proper burial.

Harriet had decreed they wouldn’t make one for Harrison because she wanted to believe he had made it home.

“Did you see what flew out of the ruins of the temple?”, she asked Michelle.

Michelle, despite the occasion, could not contain her excitement.

“Oh yes, it was wondrous. Perhaps one day we can all travel like that.”

Harriet smiled.

“Sandy would have loved to.”

A moment of silence followed. In the end it was Tracy who broke the silence.

“The corporations that made up Crawford’s empire are fracturing and splintering amongst infighting. Looks like we’ll have plenty of work to do.”, she said.

“Then let’s not let Sandy’s sacrifice be in vain.” Harriet said. “We can operate out of the homestead for now until we find a suitable form of transport. Something Michelle can modify to fly.”

Michelle Lepaul, always the thinker, had an idea. An idea to mitigate the one weakness of a certain form of transport.

“How about a train?”

Many many many many miles away, in another universe completely, Tee Bone was inside Deke’s Palace trying to fight off despair. He couldn’t shake the feeling that something terrible had happened out there. But on this cold winter morning he had no leads on anything. He just had to sit here and wait.

He looked out a window at the grey sky.

Best to secure the palace windows. He thought to himself.

A storm was coming.

El Moustachio awoke in Hell with a splitting headache. His back was also pretty sore and he was aching all over.

Aware of his surroundings he reached for his gun, but it was missing. Ferryman must have taken it he thought to himself. At least he still had his jacket. Plus his gun was out of bullets anyway.

Getting to his feet he looked around. The place seemed a bit more empty than he remembered it. Something big must have been going down somewhere. Seems he picked a good time to die. He wouldn’t have much trouble getting to the V8 Interceptor replica.

And sure enough, there it was, still hidden where they had left it all those months ago. Keying the ignition, he paused for a second before revving across the planes of Hell and straight into the multiverse in a burnt umber explosion.

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

 

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

 

Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures: Chapter 2 – Train of Consequences Part One – A Tee Bone Man Multiverse Story (by Harrison Kopp)

Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures
Chapter 2:  Train of Consequence – Part One

A Tee Bone Man Multiverse Story

By Harrison Kopp

Continued from Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures Chapter 1: Farao Way From Home

 

A lightning strike illuminated the bridge of the Kashmir, with the thunderous crash immediately after shaking the very foundations of the lead zeppelin.

That was too close. Harriet de Havilland thought to herself as she brought the massive airship portside. Knuckles white, she wrenched the wheel to the left in an attempt to keep the unwieldy aircraft out of the crosshairs of the fighter planes harrying it. A series of metal shrieks from aft informed her she had room to improve in this endeavour.

“Talk to me, people. What’s going on out there.”, she yelled over her shoulder into the airship’s intercom. A second later she added a second question to the first one.

“Jex, que se passe-t-il!” (“Jex, what’s going on!”)

“Nous avons de gros problèmes!” (“We have big problems!”), came the reply from Jex Cousteau. The Canadian soldier was about as skilled as they came, but even he was up against the odds trying to hit the small fighter planes with the large bulky guns the Kashmir had. Not to mention the almost complete lack of visibility that came from flying in a storm at night.

In the other gun turret things were a little better though.

“At least two fighters down and at least two more to go!” Jane “Sandy” Quartz cried from the port gun emplacement. The tough old woman was always a force to be reckoned with. In fact, she would have much rather been out there in her own plane taking them on head-to-head, but the stormy conditions would rip her biplane apart.

And as luck would have it, two of the searchlight operators on the Kashmir’s left bank had managed to locate one of the enemy planes and stick with it as it tried to roll out of sight. Sandy brought her guns around to line it up as it made on last futile attack run on the Kashmir. One squeeze of the trigger later and it was plummeting in pieces towards the ground below at high velocity.

“One left!”, she cried out.

“I don’t see him!” cried one of the searchlight operators.

A scream came from the right side of the airship and the accompanying searchlight dropped down limp and remained there.

“Merde!” (You should really know this one already :) ), the Frenchman in the gun turret cursed, now having only the lights of his own gun to help him pierce the darkness.

Bullets battered the hull of the Kashmir over the next minute as the final fighter assailed the airship uncontested. The aircraft was well-armoured, but it couldn’t withstand this attack forever. But there was one thing the Kashmir still had that the fighter pilot didn’t: a vexed Frenchman.

Fuel by the frustration of losing his searchlight operators, Jex decided to play by misfortune’s rules and cut the lights on his own gun. Still as a statue, he peered out into the murky darkness, scanning for one very specific sight.

Then he saw it: the muzzle flash.

“Je t’ai” (“I have you”), he confidently said, right before pulling the trigger.

The cannons hit true and split the plane into a myriad of pieces. Unfortunately for the zeppelin though, the plane had been on an attack run in very close proximity to the airship when it had been hit.

Bits of aeroplane ripped their way through the outer fuselage, striking several vital systems and causing untold destruction to the mechanical components of the airship. The craft lurched and began to sink down towards the ground.

“Why is my ship falling out of the sky!?” Harriet yelled into the intercom.

“Both engines are down!” cried Michelle LeCerveau from engineering. Hot steam was filling room up rapidly, and the inventor was forced to leave the chamber and seal off all vents to the interior. There was nothing more her or her team could do now. With both engines inoperative the chances of the Kashmir ever flying again after it hit the ground were miniscule, but if she survived the crash, she was as sure as hell going to try her best to make sure it happened

Back in the bridge Harriet was cursing up a storm, not that the one outside needed any encouragement. The rain-soaked front vieport had been difficult to see out of at the best of times, but a brief flash of lightning further away outside gave a glimpse of the surroundings.

Harriet’s eyes went wide. A massive mountain was right in the path of the airship. With nowhere to go and only the memory of a glimpse to go on she guided the nose as best she could towards what looked like a bit of flat ground by a cliffside.

“Brace for impact!” she yelled out, throwing her back against the wheel and putting her head between her knees.

Meanwhile, at approximately the imminent point of impact, one El Moustachio stood, looking out at the oncoming zeppelin. Though visibility was obscured, he had been able to see that the giant aircraft was coming right for him.

Turning on his heels, he sprinted to the side in an attempt to get out of the way of the falling zeppelin. He spied a ridge not far away that he could take cover behind and ran as fast as he could.

Almost there.

The thundering of the falling metal got louder.

Just a few more meters.

He jumped the ridge just as the aircraft hit the mountain, metal shrieking as parts contorted into unnatural shapes they were never meant to be in. The airship tore a deep gouge in the rock as it slowed to a stop just before the edge of the cliffside.

The zeppelin had barely come to a stop before Moustachio began sprinting back towards it. If there was a chance of survivors, he was going to do everything he could to help them. Luckily there didn’t appear to be any fire anywhere.

Reaching one of the doors, he just about wrenched it off its hinges getting it open.

“Is anyone alive in there! There’s an exit here!”, he yelled into the hatch.

A minute later a small number of people exited. It was fewer people than he would have liked to see, but it was better than nothing. He was helping carry the wounded away as the last few people exited the Kashmir. 

Harriet was among them, in conversation with one of the crew members. The instant she spotted a man she didn’t recognise (Moustachio) she drew her pistol in an instant and levelled it at his chest.

“Who are you!? How did you get here!?”, she yelled.

“Woah woah woah.” Moustachio replied, raising his hands and backing up slowly. “I’m not from around here. I just got here and I just want to help.”

“Like hell you do. Talk now.”

“My name is Harrison Holden. I’m not from around here. I’m only just got here and I’m just looking for a way to get home.”

“Not from around here?”, Harriet asked. “Then where are you from and why are you here?”

“Look.”, Moustachio calmly said “This is going to sound crazy, but I’m from…another universe.”

Most of the people around looked at Moustachio like he had just sprouted a second head from his left knee.

“What! You expect us to believe that?”, Harriet scoffed. “Sandy, do you buy this crock?”

“I don’t think he’s a spy.” Sandy mused. “I don’t think a spy wouldn’t risk everything on such a ridiculous cover story. But then again, maybe he knows that.”

“Fair points.”, Harriet replied. “Et vous Jex, tu penses qu’il pourrait être un espion?” (“And you Jex, do you think he might be a spy?”)

“Non. Cette moustache est très digne de confiance” (No, that moustache is very trustworthy.”), the Frenchman replied.

“Alright then.”, she said, addressing Moustachio and holstering the pistol. “It seems there might be a place for you with us if you want. I can’t guarantee we’ll ever be able to get you home, but we’ll certainly help people.”

“That will be enough for now.”, Moustachio replied, happy to be in the presence of people who weren’t trying to kill him anymore.

Harriet gestured to her compatriots nearby.

“This is Sandy. She’s our repository of wisdom.”

“I’m not that old!”, Sandy replied. “Don’t listen to her. I ‘m still a better fighter than her anyway.”

“Yeah well, we never got to finish that one now did we? I’d have had you in the second half.”

Sandy rolled her eyes.

“And this is Jex.” Harriet continued. “He’s a Canadian soldier giving us a hand. He’s technically on an “extended” shore leave so don’t go shouting his name out to all and sundry. Oh, and one more thing, you don’t happen to speak any French, do you?”

“Je parle en peu de français. (“I speak a bit of French”)”, Moustachio replied. “Mais je pense que j’ai oublié la plupart de mes connaissances de la langue, malheureusement” (“But I think I have forgotten the majority of my knowledge of the language, unfortunately”).

“I think you’ll manage alright.” She said with a smile. “Now let’s get a move on. We’re going to fall behind schedule any minute now.”

“Right.” Sandy said. “Jex and I will get everything we can carry from the aft cargo hold and then help get the horses saddled up.”

“Good idea.” Harriet replied. “Harrison, you’re with me. I need to fill you in on a few more things.”

 

“We’re called The Rovers”, Harriet explained as she and Moustachio walked through the innards of the airship. “We’re a group of mercenaries, misfits and Canadians dedicated to stopping the unchecked rampages of those who abuse their positions and power. Our current target is a vile business magnate called Tiberious Crawford who has been assembling himself a monopolous conglomerate of the entirety of Canadian industry through some very hostile takeovers.”

“I presume it was him that shot you down?”

“Yes, he has a bit of a private army of his own, including now, apparently, an airbase too. Anyway, this way, there’s someone you need to meet.”

The two had reached the engineering room, which in the time since the crash had been vented and now had several engineers climbing around the room with a variety of tools in hand.

“Harrison, this is Michelle LeCerveau, our resident brainiac.”, Harriet said gesturing to a woman who had taken a wrench to a very large pipe.

“A pleasure to meet you.”, she said, standing up and extending a grease-covered hand forward.

“Harrison Holden, at your service.”, replied the Australian.

“Good. Hold this.”, Michelle said, dumping a sooty pressure valve into his hands.

“How bad’s the damage?”, Harriet asked softly.

Michelle’s face fell.

“I’m so sorry but it just won’t ever be feasible to even try to repair it. We’re just salvaging the most valuable components now.”

In an instant Harriet’s demeanour changed. With a tortured cry she punched a nearby pipe, cracking it open and receiving a faceful of steam for her trouble.

Wordlessly she turned on her heels and stalked back up the hallway. After a brief pause, Moustachio followed behind her.

The two moved towards the front of the airship in a silence only occasionally punctuated by the hissing discharge of steam from one of the many pipes running under and overhead.

“I need a minute alone in my cabin.”, Harriet said weakly when they came upon a certain door. “The bridge is just up there. There are a few things we need to grab from it.”

Moustachio nodded and continued on through the hallway. Half a minute later he walked onto the bridge of the zeppelin. It was housed in the very front section, with the massive forward viewport looking out onto the valley behind where he had entered the universe. The sun had just begun to rise and light up the sky in a spectacular orange showcase.

Moustachio slowly walked up to the window and looked out. While it had only been a day or two since he had last been at home in Australia, it had felt like an eternity. He took a moment to take in and enjoy the peace.

“They’re so beautiful aren’t they”, came Sandy’s voice from behind Moustachio.

“Yes, it’s been too long since I’ve seen a sunrise.”, Moustachio replied as she came up alongside him. “Sometimes I wish I could just fly high, like a bird in the sky. Like an eagle. All your problems seem so small from up here”, Moustachio continued, his voice trailing off slightly.

“But they’re still there, you just don’t notice them until they’re bigger.” Sandy replied with a weak smile. “But don’t worry, I know that feeling. We’ll get you flying in a jiffy.”

Harriet had caught up with the two and had entered the bridge with a box of assorted items under her arm.

“Not in this ship anymore, I’m afraid.”

The two turned around to face her.

“Oh no.”, Sandy cried. “Is it that bad?”

“Yes, I’m afraid.” Harriet sadly replied. “Your plane survived with only a few snapped strings though. They’re fixing it up now as we speak.”

“That’s a relief, but it’s a small consolation in the grand scheme of things.”, Sandy said.

“Well, we have to take the small victories when they come. Anyway, they’ll be ready to set off any minute now so we’d better get going.”

Apparently there had been an entire stable somewhere on the airship, because there were now four horses hitched to a couple of carts outside The Kashmir. The surviving crew members had loaded everything they could fit onto them and were now perched atop them awaiting the green light to set off.

Harriet was the last person to need to get on. She was leaning against Sandy’s biplane as the latter woman conducted her pre-flight checks.

“Is there going to be enough room to take off?”, Harriet asked concerningly.

“Oh yeah. The cliff face drops straight down. I can throw this thing off the edge and have enough lift long before I hit the ground.”

“Alright”, Harriet said. “We’ll meet you there then.”

“You can count on it”, Sandy replied, pulling her goggles down over her eyes and firing up the engine.

Harriet jogged back to the carts and mounted one of the horses.

“Alright people, let’s move out!”

And so The Rovers began their slow descent down the rocky mountain path and into the valley.

The trip through the countryside took most of the day but was largely uneventful. Moustachio enjoyed the chance to slow down a bit and enjoy the trek through nature.

“So what is your universe like then?”, Harriet asked Harrison when the company stopped for lunch.

“Much like this one. A lot of the countries are same. A lot of the people too. I think I knew you guys in my home universe.”

“Wow, really!”, Harriet said. “What are we like?”

“Well, you guys are…well.. guys to be honest.”, Moustachio replied. “. Michelle’s guy is really smart. We call him The Brainiac. Jane goes by the name John Snow.”

Harriet snickered. Sandy hated winter.

“And what about me?”, she continued.

“I think we’re actually counterparts to be honest.”, Moustachio stated. It would make sense.

“Good thing I didn’t shoot you then.”, Harriet chuckled.

“I agree, though I may have a vested interest in that regard. I haven’t met anyone who I could say Jex is though. But he makes me excited to see who I’ll have in my universe to call Jex and to call my friend.”

“And what sort of technology do you have back in your home?”, Michelle asked.

“Oh, you’d love it. We’ve advanced about 80 years past where you are now. You wouldn’t believe some of the stuff we have. We’ve even had people walk on the moon”, Moustachio said.

Michelle’s eyes went as wide as dinner plates.

“Tell me tell me tell me!”, she begged Moustachio.

“All in good time.”, Harriet said. “We’ve got a mission to focus on here first. Which reminds me- Harrison, how good are you with a gun?”

“I’ve shot them a few times. I’d say I’m probably a little better than the next man, but by no means an expert.”, Moustachio replied.

“That’s a good start.”, Harriet said, passing Moustachio a silver revolver. “We’ll give you a little refresher when we get to our destination.”

Moustachio rolled the weapon around in his hand. It was weighty but fit in his hand well. He hadn’t made a habit of using guns as part of his arsenal, but he wasn’t going to pass one up.

When in Rome. He thought to himself as he holstered the pistol and the group set off again. No sense in handicapping oneself if you didn’t have to.

After a few more enquiries about Moustachio’s universe of origin, the group set off again.

It was early evening, and the sun was setting as The Rovers arrived at their destination. It was a sizable homestead on a large plot of land. Sandy’s biplane could be seen parked in one of the nearby fields.

As they group got closer the door to the building was thrown open and out ran a very anxious Deryn Williamson, shortly followed by a similarly agitated Tracy Erikson and more relaxed Sandy.

“Oh thank god.”, Deryn said. “When Sandy said you’d crashed in the mountains I was so worried. Plus you could have missed the rendezvous.”

“We made good time thankfully.”, Harriet replied, shaking Deryn’s hand. “We just won’t have that extra day to rest and plan.”

“When have any of our plans ever gone to plan anyway?”, Sandy asked from behind Derryn.

“Quiet you.”, Harriet said with a smirk. “This one’s a good one.”

“If by ‘good’ you mean ‘crazy’, then yes.”, Tracy chimed in.

“Well fortune does favour the bold.”, Deryn said. “Come on in. Dinner’s almost ready and there’s plenty to go around.”

Moustachio and the others gathered inside the old house and sat down in an old dining room. It had been a little while since he’d sat down inside for a proper meal and he was starving. The banquet before him was the best thing he’d seen in a long time.

As the group ate, they regaled each other with stories of their latest exploits. Tales of betrayal and of love. Of victory and tragedy. Of history and dreams. By the time Moustachio turned in for the night he had a pretty good grasp of the recent history of his new home.

As he settled into a bed for the night, he thought of his friends back home. How he wished he could see them again. They would have loved to meet The Rovers.

Later that night, Sandy and Harriet were speaking in hushed whispers at the bottom of one of the staircases.

“Are you sure about this? I thought you didn’t trust him. Now you’ve given him a gun and told him our plan.”, Sandy said.

“I thought about it. There’s no way anyone could have predicted where we were going to be shot down and on what day. He has to be telling the truth. And if a spy’s good enough predict all that and gamble it on such an outlandish story, then they’re going to get us no matter what we try.”

Sandy was somewhat mollified by this. It was the same as her reasoning earlier anyway.

“Alright. Then we’d better get some sleep. Big day tomorrow.”

To be continued…

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

 

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

The Writer’s Room: Snowman’s Gambit

Continued from Return of the Snowman

There he stood, in the flesh! John T. Snow had returned from whence he came, through a bright orange multiversal portal. He looked exactly the same as the day he vanished. Meanwhile, his friends in the Writer’s Room all had dark circles under their eyes from sheer worry. But worry no more, now that the Snowman was back! All their troubles were now over.

“Snowman!” shouted Mike as he ran in for an embrace. “What happened?”

Everyone crowded around John Snow. Harrison, Aaron and the 80s Metal Man all bore down for hugs.

“Easy guys! I haven’t been gone that long!” laughed the Snowman amidst the hugs.

“You were gone three weeks man!” answered Aaron. “We were worried sick!”

“That we were,” continued the 80s Metal Man. “We were having a meeting about it just now. The police considered us all suspects in your disappearance.”

“And I’m already on the phone with them,” concluded Harrison. “I’m glad I’m not going to prison for a crime I didn’t commit.”

“You’re from a colony of prisoners!” joked Holen from his Zoom monitor. “I’m just kidding. Welcome back Snowman!”

“Thanks Holen! What did I miss?” said Snow as he took his corner seat at the Writer’s Table.

“You missed a lot…you’re just going to sit and continue where you left off?” asked Mike incredulously.

“I’ve only been gone 10 minutes,” said Snow. “By my time, anyway. See?” Snow showed his phone to everyone. Indeed, the time and date were only 10 minutes off from when he disappeared. “Now hand me some Simmons cola! Let’s get writing!”

“Not yet!” said the first cop entering the room. “We have some questions here for Mr. Houdini! How the hell did you get back in this room?”

“Officers, we will let you have the room to complete your investigation. We’ll be waiting outside.” Mike, Aaron, Harrison and Metal Man all filed out of the room and waited patiently for the police to finish their investigation and clear them of any wrongdoing.

It was several hours, and the writers were all tired when the police finally emerged from the room. The head cop went to talk to Mike.

“He’s not talking,” said the cop. “Nothing but gibberish about a portal, and having drinks with Elvis Presley, Bruce Lee and Liberace before returning. That’s all we can get out of him. Fortunately for you, the missing persons case is now closed. You are in the clear…but we will be keeping a close eye on the Writer’s Room. Good day sir.”

With that, the police were on their way out while the writers returned to the table. Snowman was sitting there sipping on a Simmons cola, with a huge smile on his face.

“John…” asked Mike as he took his seat. “Are you going to tell us what happened?”

“What did the cops tell you?” asked John as he sipped. “That I had drinks with Elvis, Liberace and Bruce Lee on a beach somewhere?”

“That’s exactly what they told us,” answered Aaron, “Which I don’t need to tell you is impossible.”

“Well, that’s where I was! The multiverse is great!” answered John. “And it’s all real!”

Harrison harrumphed. “I return to my point from our last meeting. It’s time to shut the Adventures of Tee Bone Man down. This is getting out of hand.”

80s Metal Man urged caution. “I advise we continue,” he said. “We have no evidence that anything bad has happened to anyone.”

“I don’t know about that,” said Holen from his monitor. “The reports I’m reading on the Dark Web indicate these portals are still opening all over the world.”

“But there’s no evidence that anything is connected to us,” countered the Metal Man.

“I’d say it’s too big to be a coincidence. Orange portals, just like in our stories? What harm can come from us stopping?” asked Aaron.

“Oh, we can’t stop!” said John Snow. “It’s too much fun to stop! We have to keep writing, and writing, and writing until the very end!”

“I call a vote,” said Mike as he stood. “There are six of us. In the case of a tie, I will be the deciding vote.” He then turned to look at the stoic Harrison. “Your vote, Harrison?”

“Shut it down,” he answered.

“I vote to shut it down as well,” answered Aaron.

“I still advise caution,” said the Metal Man. “Let’s keep going, I don’t believe there is any harm in us continuing.”

“I say shut it down,” said Holen from the monitors. “The portal reports worldwide are growing.”

“And I say let’s goooooooo!” screamed the Snowman. “I have so many ideas! We should be writing right now, not debating!”

Mike placed his head in his hands. He was hoping to avoid deciding this vote himself.

“I guess it’s my call. I really…I guess I don’t see any harm in continuing the story. It’s just words. I can’t explain what happened, but I also don’t think it’s connected to Tee Bone Man. If anything it’s a coincidence. Let’s continue.”

“I have a bad feeling about this,” said Harrison, “but very well. Who has the next story idea?”

“I do!!” screamed John T. Snow. “I have the best idea!”

“OK, well, out with it Snowman,” said Mike. “Let’s change the mood at this table and start getting creative.”

“Here’s my idea!” screamed John. “Remember how we killed off Brainiac and Edie Van Heelin’ last year?”

“Yeah…” said Mike cautiously. “Best story arc from the Squirrel Saga was killing off those two characters. But we did that, due to California Girl quitting our story, and my feelings towards her. We had a reason to kill them both, to get that mess behind us.”

“Right!” said Snow. “And you yourself told me you think the current Multiverse Saga is getting messy and hard to follow, right?”

“I did say that once or twice,” answered Mike. “But I think we have a handle on it now.”

“Here’s my idea,” continued an enthusiastic Snow. “I say…we kill off Tee Bone Man next!”

Harrison stood. “We can’t! He’s our main character!”

“We have plenty of main characters!” screamed Snow. “You have a whole team of them, and you already killed off two of the biggest ones! Let’s kill Tee Bone Man! Let’s do it! Nobody can stop us from doing it!”

80s Metal Man responded. “I honestly don’t know why you want to kill our main character. Are you feeling OK, John? You seem different since returning.”

John T. Snow reacted with a huge laugh. “Of course I seem different! I just met Elvis! And loads of other characters too!” He scratched a spot on the back of his head repeatedly. “I just know it’s a great idea! Sales will go up double per issue, I guarantee it! It’s a comic book classic gimmick! Kill Tee Bone Man! Let’s do it!”

Aaron looked befuddled next to John. He couldn’t help but notice Snowman scratching the spot on his head. He stood to speak.

“I know some of us are bursting with creative energy right now,” said Aaron. “And that’s great. But I think we should call it a day, and re-convene another day. The rest of us here are clearly exhausted. Let’s not do anything until we’re all feeling rested.”

“I agree,” said Mike. “John, head home to your family. The rest of us will do the same. We’ll talk later.”

Everyone stood and hugged John. They filed out of the room one by one, each on his way back home. Everyone but Mike. He sat alone in the silent room.

“I have a bad feeling about this too,” he sighed. “Why does he want us to kill off Tee Bone Man? I don’t understand. It’s almost as if…” he paused. The next thought was too ridiculous to entertain. “It’s almost as if…someone wants Tee Bone Man to lose.”

Mike stood to leave.

“But who would want that?”

Somewhere out in the vast multiverse, a mechanical planet glowed in the cosmic background. A planet made of metal.

“But who would want Tee Bone Man to lose?”

Mike’s words echoed through the portals of time, down to the mechanical planet below.

“I would…” came a deep, throbbing voice. “I would like that very much…”

TO BE CONTINUED…

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

 

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

Noirison: Chapter Two – A Tee Bone Man Multiverse Story (by Holen)

NOIRISON: Chapter One

A Tee Bone Man Multiverse Story

By Holen

 

I woke up to a piercing brightness. Artificial brightness. I sat up slowly, but felt cold steel tug me back down at the wrist. I rubbed my eyes with my free hand, and everything started to focus. I was in a hospital room, handcuffed to the bed. My old boss, Captain Mike Ladano, was sitting by the bed casually sipping a cup of what smelled like third rate coffee.

“Harrison. About damn time,” Ladano exclaimed, “happy to see me?” He rose from his chair and stood over me.

“Yeah. Seeing you in the morning gives me warm and fuzzy feelings. Like the good old days.”

“Morning?” he said incredulously. “You’ve been out for about fourteen hours, sport. It’s eight at night.”

A cursory glance at the clock, and the darkness out the window told me he wasn’t yanking my chain. I tugged at the handcuffs.

“Some new law about getting assaulted that I don’t know about?” I quipped.

“You’re a private dick now, Healey. Shouldn’t you know if there was some law like that on the books?”

“Cut the shit, Ladano. It’s been a long day or two.”

Mike displayed a twisted grin. He always got a kick out of me breaking his balls, because he knew that he was the one that ultimately held all the power in our relationship. He took a perverse pleasure in it.

“There’s no law about getting assaulted, but there’s an old one about being an accomplice to kidnapping. It’s typically frowned upon by polite society,” he revealed.

“Kidnapping? What are you going on about?”

He picked up a manilla envelope from the chair, pulled out a photo, and tossed it on my stomach. It was the picture of Savannah that Snow had given me back at his office.

“Savannah Severny. 18 years old. Of course you already knew that, didn’t you?”

“Get to the point,” I urged.

“A witness saw her being dragged into a van by some brute around 4 am this morning. No one’s seen her or heard anything since. We showed up and found you lying in the parking lot with a busted head, and a picture that fits the witness’ description of the victim in your jacket.”

“You searched me while I was out?” I asked indignantly.

“Just doin’ my job, Healey. It was suspicious looking, you have to admit. I did a thorough search of your body. Mine’s bigger by the way.”

“What?” I was taken aback.

He pulled out my .45 and threw it on the bed.

“My gun. It’s bigger. More firepower,” he taunted. He reached into his pocket and came up with a key. He freed me of the handcuffs, and I rubbed my sore wrist instinctively.

Cutting to the chase, he blurted, “Look, I didn’t come here to compare pricks. We both know who would come out on top anyway. I know you didn’t have nothin’ to do with that kidnapping, but I needed to keep you here so I could ask you something. What the fuck is going on?”

“If I find out, you’ll be the first to know.”

Mike grew impatient, “Don’t give me that bullshit, Harrison. You did the best investigative police work on the force. I don’t buy for a second you don’t know shit about this girl, you Aussie bastard!”

“Look, I just got hired to find her last night,” I stated.

“You get hired to find her and then she really disappears? Ironic. Who’s the client?” he asked.

“I’m not at liberty to discuss that. You know I’m bound by confidentiality,” I reminded him. Clearly not what he wanted to hear, he hastily charged over to the bed and grabbed me by the shirt.

“Fuck confidentiality you dingo dicked dickhead! There’s an 18 year old out there missing! Her family hasn’t heard from her in months, and the first news they get is that she’s missing! What do you know you koala humping fuck bag? Who the fuck wanted you to find her, and why?”

“For Christ’s sake, Mike. She’s just two-bit a whore!” I yelled.

Bang. A swift smack upside the head. I saw stars. That’d be the third time I had my bell rung in under twenty four hours. My skull had to resemble the Liberty Bell at this point. I looked up at Mike, and saw the fire in his eyes dissipate. He looked down at his hand, appearing ashamed. He gently let go of me.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled. He turned away.

“Me too,” I assured him. I had spoken out of turn. I’d forgotten about his first case as head detective years ago. It concerned a blonde that looked a lot like Savannah. She ran out on her folks at 17, got mixed up with the wrong people, and OD’d on horse at age 19. He called in to respond to her overdose. The years hadn’t jaded him enough to be completely numb to such a thing yet. He roughed up the paramedics at the scene, kept injecting adrenaline into her, but it was too late. He almost lost his badge that day for behavior unbecoming of an officer, but the Chief cut him some slack considering the circumstances. Ladano had never been the same since. These days he looked like something that had been rode hard and put away wet. This Savannah case had to hit close to home for him. He slowly turned back to me.

“You really don’t know anything?” he sighed.

“She was in the middle of shooting a movie,” I offered. “That’s all I can really say at this point.”

“Skin flick?” he asked.

“No, I don’t think so. It was for a big production company. Now that’s really all I can say. I shouldn’t even be telling you that, and you didn’t hear it from me.”

“Gotcha. Thanks for your cooperation.”

“Next time don’t cuff me to the bed like street scum if you wanna talk,” I said sarcastically, “just stop by the office. Why do people seem to be so averse to that?”

Ladano half-heartedly chuckled. He walked over to the door, but turned back around for one more wisecrack.

“What the hell happened to you, Healey? If you’d have kept your nose clean, you’d be in my position now. Now look at you.”

“I think I’m doin’ alright, all things considered,” I retorted, “I never was good at respecting the pecking order. Being my own boss was the only way to go.”

“Is that so?” he replied.

“Gives me the freedom to do what I need to for justice without the accountability,” I admitted.

“I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear that,” he grinned. “Take care, Harrison.” He walked out as I saw his silhouette disappear down the hall. Just as soon as he left, a voluptuous nurse strutted in the door carrying a tray of pills. She was a stunningly beautiful Hispanic woman, effortlessly iridescent.

“Ah, Mr. Healey. How long have you been awake?”

“Long enough to hope those pills could put a horse out. I’ve got a high tolerance,” I confessed.

“Do you have a history of drug or alcohol abuse?” she asked with concern.

“Not if it keeps you from giving me those pain pills,” I joked. I winced in pain as a sharp sensation shot through my brain. “Come on, lady. My head feels like someone’s driving a spike through it.”

She gave me a glance like a stern librarian, the naughty kind. I flashed her a facetious pleading look of helplessness. With my face, it was irresistible. She grinned, rolled her eyes, and handed me the pills.

“Thank you,” I gratefully said. I popped the two pills into my mouth, downed the small cup of water, and stood up from the bed. “You got anything that will keep me awake on these things? I need to be sharp.” She sensually placed her hands on my chest, motioning for me to lie back down.

“I’m not a dealer, Mr. Healey. Now please, lie down.”

“I have a job to do. A young girl’s life may be in jeopardy,” I said stoically. “Guess I’ll have to get some uppers on the street.”

“That’s not funny,” she said, retracting her hands.

“You’re right. I guess I’ve used up all my good will here. I’ll be checking out now.”

“That’s inadvisable in your condition, Mr. Healey,” she warned.

“I’ve been worse. Trust me,” I assured her.

I began to leave the room, each step making all my muscles ache in tandem. I hoped those pills would kick in soon. Just as I was about to reach the hall, I turned around to look at the nurse one last time.

“I’ll look you up sometime,” I wryly promised. Her disappointed expression turned to one of erotic amusement.

“What makes you think I want you to?” she teased.

“What makes you think I care if you do?” I jested. The air seemed to moisten almost instantly. The woman had become a human humidifier.

She ripped off a piece of paper from my chart, produced a pen, scribbled on it, and then seductively strolled over to me, placing her body centimeters from mine, her feminine pheromones massaging my nostrils. She slowly placed the piece of paper in the front pocket of my pants, brushing her hand slowly against my inner leg as she pulled out.

“My name’s Milena. Call me sometime, Mr. Healey,” she whispered.

“Call me Harrison, and I’ll give you a ring when I’m free,” I cooly replied.

I winked and left the room. I heard her try to hide a groan when I had made some distance down the hall. I’d have to remember to call her when I was finished with the case. The way business had been before it, I figured I’d have plenty of time to do so. Of course, the way business had been during this case, it was more likely I’d be her patient again before I had the chance. That wasn’t important though. Savannah was out there somewhere, afraid, having who knows what done to her.

The lady at the desk stopped me and gave me a message. Someone had called for me here. There was no name, just a number. I had a pretty good idea who it was, but how did he know where I was?

I headed downstairs to a payphone and dialed the number. It rang once, and before I had a chance to say anything, Snow was already asking questions.

“Mr. Healey. Have you made any progress?”

“I got another concussion,” I joked.

“Most unfortunate, but I mean in Savannah’s case,” he said, unamused.

“She’s been kidnapped,” I informed him.

“What? That’s horrible! When?” he panicked.

“Last night. She was working at some strip joint, and a big guy threw her in a van when she got off. Nobody’s heard anything since,” I relayed.

“Is there a ransom demand? If there’s a ransom demand, tell them I’ll pay it. Whatever it takes to get her back, I’ll do it!” he exclaimed.

“Take a breath, Snow. I said nobody’s heard anything. And you don’t kidnap a stripper for ransom money. Unless somehow they knew she was connected with you,” I realized as I spoke. “What’s the nature of your relationship with Savannah? Clearly she’s not just another actress to you. What’s going on?”

“I don’t think that’s relevant to your case, Mr. Healey,” Snow curtly rebutted.

“That’s for me to decide, Snow. I’m the P.I., remember?” I reminded him.

“Call me when you have something, Healey,” he spat, hanging up. Rich bastard. This case was starting to stink worse than closing time at a 12 hour fish market. I needed to find Savannah, fast. Problem being, I was fresh out of leads. I decided to head back to the strip joint for a chat with the owner and a few of her pole dancing companions. This time, I was going to be extra vigilant. I wasn’t sure how much more pressure my noggin could sustain in such a short period of time. Luckily, my .45 usually kept even the most violence prone individuals civil enough for a brief discussion. I signed out of the hospital, walked out the doors, felt the cool January air on my skin, and began my walk to the strip joint. My muscles didn’t ache with my steps anymore. Pills must be kickin’ in. Hallelujah.

TO BE CONTINUED…

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

 

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

The Writer’s Room: Return of the Snowman

Continued from The Writer’s Room:  New Year’s Grieve!

 

“Hey guys,” said Mike as he entered the Writer’s Room.  The sullen faces of Harrison, Aaron, and the Metal Man looked back at him.  Missing, however, was their companion John Snow.  How should Mike begin?

“How should I begin?” he asked rhetorically.  “Last time we all met up, our friend John T. Snow was kidnapped through a multiversal portal.  You all saw it.  It was like our stories come to life.”

There was muttering around the table.  Troubled muttering from the smaller group of friends.  It was Harrison who brought the table to order.

“I don’t understand,” he said with unusual worry in his voice.  “It was as if my own Lego art had come to life.  The orange portal.  It opened right behind John.  Then I saw a pair of hands snatch him away as he screamed for help.”

“I saw it too,” said Aaron.  “I still can’t believe my eyes.”

“Nor I mine,” agreed the Metal Man.  “I am worried about the fabric of our reality.”

“What’s the latest report from the police?” asked Harrison of Mike.

“Where do I begin…again?” signed Mike.  “Both Canadian and American police forces are still looking at all of us as suspects.  They have the video footage from Holen’s webcam.  They all saw what happened.  They just don’t believe it.  And I can’t blame them.  To them, all they know is an American citizen walked into this room and never walked out.  And we were the only people to witness it.”

As if on cue, Holen’s monitor came to life.  As usual, his image was distorted and noisy, but that only added to his sense of mystique.

“Hey guys,” he greeted the table.  “Sorry I’m late.  I’ve been working and I have news.”

“Holen, thank goodness, please, tell us,” said Mike to the screen.

“Well,” began Holen, “I have done some digging around the Dark Web, and I can tell you something very interesting.  These orange portals…it was not an isolated incident.  There are 14 reports from 11 different countries, of similar phenomenon.  A bright, orange, circular portal opens and someone or something emerges from the other side.  Now, this is where the reports start to differ wildly and we must be scrutinous.  Some people reported robots coming through.  Others saw Satan himself.  One guy claimed that Elvis, Bruce Lee and Liberace were on the other side, drinking margaritas.  I think we can discount that one.  But here’s the thing guys.  Five of the reports could be interpreted to include characters from our stories.  I’m not kidding.”

There were gasps.  A few jaws on the floor.

“Go on Holen.  Which characters?” asked Metal Man.

“Satan is one.  The robot is two – relating to a story that Harrison and Mike are writing.  Tommy Lee appears in one report, that’s three.  A monster resembling our parademons was sketched by another witness.  And finally…finally…”  Holen paused.  “Well, see for yourself.”  Holen put the image from the report on the screen.

“That’s…that’s…” said Mike in awe.

“Yes.  It is.  A clean-shaven Harrison Kopp,” finished Holen.  “Just like our character of Shinzon.  A character we invented.  Or rather, a character Mike invented.  And now here he is in a portal report from, you guessed it, Australia.”

“Impossible!” said Mike, pounding his fist on the table in frustration.  “Impossible!”

“But there it is,” said a solemn Holen.

The usual stoic Harrison was rattled.  He was clearly shaken by the image before him.  He hadn’t seen himself clean shaven since he was a child.  He hardly recognized himself…but he did.

“I elect we shut down the Adventures of Tee Bone Man immediately,” said Harrison, very quietly.  “This has gotten out of hand.  We are meddling with powers greater than that dreamed of in our philosophy.  If what we are writing becomes real…well, it’s all over.”

Mike turned white as a ghost.

“Harrison…it’s not real.  He’s not real.  The Eater of Worlds.  He’s not real,” cautioned Mike.

“But what if he is?” asked Harrison without a hint of rhetoric.  “We have to consider the possible.”

Aaron raised his hands.  “Excuse me.  Who’s the Eater of Worlds?”

“He’s the Big Bad at the end of the Multiverse Saga of Tee Bone Man,” answered Mike.  “We stole a character from another franchise to be our villain behind everything.”

“Like Galactus?” asked Aaron.

“Like Galactus, yes,” answered Mike.  “But he’s not real.  He’s a character they invented back in the mid-80’s to sell toys to kids.  He’s not real!”

“But if he was…” said Harrison in the most ominous voice anyone had ever heard from him, “…he would be our ultimate doom.”

Mike got a shiver up his back.  But it was impossible.  They were just a group of friends, making up a story.  None of it was real.  In real life, Tee Bone was just a guy, a nice guy who didn’t fly or battle dragons.  John T. Snow…was just a guy who collected music; he wasn’t an eccentric billionaire.  How could these characters they were writing about be appearing in real life places?

Metal Man spoke in a calm, rational voice.  “It could be these are all just coincidences.  I think for now, we should discount them, and return our focus to the search for John Snow.  Has anyone resembling him or Richard Dreyfuss appeared in your searches, Holen?”

“I hadn’t thought of searching for Dreyfuss sightings.  Let me run a few keywords,” said the image on the monitor.

Aaron sat silent, solemnly waiting.  Not a single “Wahoo!” or “Give’r!” from him this time.  He then spoke.  “I have to be honest, I’m more worried about John than I am of the suspicious cops, thinking we did it.  We didn’t, and there’s no evidence.  We’ll be fine.  But John…I saw him disappear!  Before my eyes!  I’ve never seen anything like it and I hope he’s OK.”

Suddenly Holen spoke.  “Guys…we just had a Dreyfuss sighting.”  Holen pointed from his screen, to a point behind the men sitting at the table.  They all turned, and looked.

“Hi guys,” said a voice as a man stepped out of an orange portal.  “I’m back!”

The Richard Dreyfuss lookalike waved and smiled.  The orange portal closed behind.  John T. Snow was back!

TO BE CONTINUED…

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

 

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

Deep Black Rainbow – The Full Concert by 80sMetalMan, from the Adventures of Tee Bone Man

On New Year’s Eve, Tee Bone Man hosted his amazing concert featuring the denizens of Rock Heaven.  John T. Snow, Harrison Kopp, Aaron KMA, 80sMetalMan and I all contributed a set to the story.  (Holen tried, but was unable to finish.)

It can now be said:  80sMetalMan was so into this story, that he wrote six pages!  This would not work in the context of Tee Bone Man’s chapter with all the writers involved.  We needed a story with reasonably equal sections from each writer.

Undaunted, the MetalMan edited down his section for the story.  However, the full expanded text is now available at his WordPress site!

Thank you to the MetalMan for your contributions to Tee Bone Man over the last two years!  Check out his expanded concert set.  It’s pretty awesome.

Tee Bone Man stories by 80sMetalMan:

 

The Adventures of Tee Bone Man: Tee Bone Man’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN
PHASE TWO: THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

Chapter Twenty-Three: Tee Bone Man’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve

By: Mike, Harrison, Aaron, John and Michael

The stage was, quite literally, set!

Deke’s Palace hadn’t been this abuzz with activity since its early days as a whiskey distillery. Back then, it was technicians in lab coats scurrying about their business. Today, it was the finest road crews that the Great White North possessed, summoned together for a concert unlike any other.

On the very roof of Deke’s Palace, a mighty stage had been erected.  Somewhere in the world, a retired Gene Simmons was crying in his cheerios that Kiss had never managed a stage show like the one being assembled on this day.  For today, Tee Bone Man and Superdekes have arranged the ultimate concert.  Massive speakers were being hoisted by crane, while Deke observed from the snowy ground below.  He glanced over his glasses, checked something off a checklist, gave a thumbs up to the crane operator, and walked over to a nearby Tee Bone Man.

“I can’t believe I’m saying this for a change, but we’re right on schedule!” shouted a cheerful Deke over the grind of machinery.

Tee Bone smiled.  “I told ya!”  He patted his friend on the back.  “Thanks for doing all the hard work on this one Deke.  If those guys thought last year’s Christmas party was something else, wait until they see what we have ready to roll for New Year’s.”

Deke laughed.  “Well, it’s our friend the Metal Man who helped arrange the bands tonight.  But yes, those guys will not see this one coming.  I think it’s safe to say that nobody’s ever seen a show like the one we’re putting on.”

“Staging it on the roof of Deke’s Palace was your idea, and a brilliant one at that,” complimented Tee Bone Man.

“Thanks!” beamed Deke.  “It was the only space big enough for the entertainment we have planned.  The backdrop will be pretty epic, and the industrial heaters we rented will make it feel like a spring day outside.”

“Do we have final numbers on attendees?” queried Tee Bone Man.

“Not everyone has RSVP’d yet,” answered Deke from behind a screen as he looked up the data.  We have 65 ‘yes’ responses, 14 ‘no’, 23 in the ‘maybe’, 95 who have not read the email yet, and Max the Axe who responded with a postcard that just said ‘you gotta’.”  Deke paused to shake his head.  It was Tee Bone Man who recruited Max into the Northern Nights, while Deke had his reservations!  “Some of the ‘yes’ respondents include Aaron, Snowman, Metal Man, the Mars Man, King of the Sharks, and the Durling Foundation.  They said they’d be sending some reps.  Strangely, they are to arrive by dirigible…”

“We should open up a large batch of tickets to sale for the public,” said Tee Bone, skeptical that everyone would make it to Thunder Bay Ontario for a concert in the middle of winter.  “Help us recoup some of the cost for the equipment rentals.”

“Rentals are covered,” said Deke as he checked another item off his list.  “Thank the Snowman.  He’s  covering the whole show.”

“What about booze and herbal remedies?” asked Tee.

“Max the Axe sent a care package a week ago.  It also contained a VCR and a number of 8-track tapes, but I haven’t ascertained why,” answered Deke matter-of-factly.

Tee Bone turned somber a moment.  “And what about Moustachio?”  Their friend had disappeared months ago through some kind of energy portal.  “Think he’ll make it to the party or am I just wishing upon a star?”

“He won’t be making it,” said Deke as he patted his friend on the back, “but he’s alive out there somewhere.  There’s no evidence he didn’t survive.  He’ll be back.  Maybe not this year, but we’ll get him back.”

A brisk wind blew snow in the faces of the two friends.

“I think these guys have this under control,” said Deke as he packed away his clipboard.  “Let’s go inside, get some hot cocoa, and talk song requests.  Right now, only you, me and the Metal Man know who’s playing.  We’ve custom picked musicians for each of our friends, but we haven’t thought about what we wanna hear yet!  We have lists to make!”

With that, Tee Bone Man was airborne!  “Race you to the door!” he cackled as he soared away.

Show Night

Backstage was buzzing, but security was tight!  Absolutely nobody was getting close to the dressing rooms.  Deke had hired the best and only the best.    Groupies in scantily clad outfits and sky-high hair were waiting for a glimpse at anyone with a musical instrument.  Nobody had seen a thing.

The stage was black, but mountains of amplifiers could be made out with the naked eye.  A web of lighting hung overhead.  Enough seats for every invitee were waiting, some already filled.  Meanwhile, hundreds of people filed into the general admission section as Tee Bone opened sales to the public.  It seemed unfair, he reasoned, to deny the public a chance to see this historic event.  A webcast was set up to stream, and people were expected to tune in by the tens of thousands.

At side stage, from his own observation area, sat the little black squirrel named Ripper.  Moustachio’s faithful companion, Ripper had been living with Tee Bone and Superdekes every since Moustachio disappeared.

“Squee!  Squeeee squeeee!” cried the little squirrel.  Tee Bone Man answered the call and was soon by his side.

“What’s up, little buddy?” asked Tee Bone as he petted the animal to calm him down.

Ripper pointed to the giant stacks of rock power around him, Marshalls all.  He pointed to his ears and shrugged.

“Oh!  You’re worried about the volume!” said Tee Bone as he snapped his fingers.  “I forgot!  Deke made these for you.  Happy New Year, Ripper.”  In the palm of his head, Tee Bone presented a teeny tiny pair of military grade earmuffs.  “These will protect you, little guy.  Enjoy the show alright?”

Ripper nodded yes with glee and put on the muffs.

Tee Bone strolled around the area, looking for his friends.  Taking a seat near the front of the stage was an unmistakable Meaty Man.  Tee Bone raced over with a smile on his face.

“Meaty Man!  You made it!  We really weren’t sure!  We haven’t seen you since we saved you from the Sasquatch, in what seems like ages ago.”

Tee Bone offered a hug and the Meaty Man accepted.  He lit a cigarette.

“Well, ya know,” he shrugged.  “Someone sent me a plane ticket, so I figured what the hell.”

“That would have been me!” screamed the Snowman as he appeared from the crowd, hand extended for a shake.  “I had to make sure you didn’t miss this show tonight.”

The lights began to suddenly dim.

“You guys take your seats!  I gotta go!  Enjoy the show!” said Tee Bone Man as he departed once again.

A few spotlights came to life on stage.  There was a low hum.  People shuffled into their seats as a few more lights began to move about, as if hunting.  Then a voice boomed!

“THUNDER BAY ONTARIO!  You wanted the best…and you got more than you bargained for!”

Then the floodlights exploded into brilliance, and a fully suited Tee Bone Man was standing there on stage, arms extended into the air!

“Get ready for the party of your lives, Thunder Bay!  Deke’s Palace is proud to present…the Stars of Rock Heaven!”  A slideshow of faces from rock stars past scrolled on the massive screens behind.  John Bonham, Lemmy Kilmister, Ronnie James Dio, Jeff Hanneman…and so many more.  An audible gasp could be heard from the crowd.  A few mumbles and whispers.  “Could it be?  Could it really be?”

As if to answer that question, a spectral Ronnie James Dio, all aglow with the afterlife, joined Tee Bone Man on stage!

“Ladies and gentlemen, here’s our MC Ronnie James Dio to introduce our first performer!”  Tee Bone allowed Ronnie to take the center stage.

“Thunder Bay!  You are the kings of rock and roll!” shouted Ronnie.  “But you know, we don’t want to rock you too hard right from the beginning!  This first performer is a special request for someone called the ‘Meaty Man’!  Are you out there somewhere ‘Meaty Man’!”

From the front, the Meaty Man could not believe what he was seeing or hearing.  He looked around, pointed at himself, mumbled “Me?” to the Snowman next to him, and stood.  A spotlight caught his figure as he rose.

Dio pointed.  “There he is!”  The crowd cheered.  “Thunder Bay, we’re starting acoustic tonight, so please welcome to the stage, from Kitchener Ontario via Rock Heaven…Mr. Paul MacLeod!”

From backstage, a man with an acoustic guitar, white T-shirt, and a black beanie cap emerged.  He waved to the crowd and sat on a stool.

“This is a song called ‘Down on the Streets’,” he announced and began to play.

A tear hit the Meaty Man’s eye.  He just watched in silence as his friend played the song.  He smiled, turned to the Snowman and simply said “Thank you.”

Paul played a brief four song set.  “Giants”, “The Trickster” and an acoustic version of Hibakusha’s “Moped Song” rounded out his show.

“Thank you Thunder Bay!” waved Paul as he exited the stage.  “I’m due back in Rock Heaven, but it was great playing for you!  Enjoy the rest of the show!”  He vanished into the frosty air.

 

It took a while for the pandemonium and energy to subside enough that Dio could be heard, as he stood in front of the throng. Arms wide in a gesture asking for a lower volume, Dio smiled. This was what it was all about, and the excitement was palpable.

Finally, what could pass for a hush spread through Deke’s Palace, and Dio smiled again. “Are you having a good time?” he shouted into the mic. The crowd roared! “I said… are you HAVING A GOOD TIME?” The crowd roared again, impossibly louder this time. Grinning, Dio waved for hush again and got it. He had their attention.

“Ladies and gentlemen, friends and allies, we are here tonight to witness the Stars Of Rock Heaven. This is a night for the ages, a night to remember, a night of all nights. We’ve already had rock royalty on this stage, and more are coming!”   He saluted the crowd in “devil horn” fashion and they responded with cheers.

“And now we will add to the rock royalty to grace us this evening, so please direct your eyes to center stage.” The stage was dark behind Dio, but there came a sudden, gentle beat from a drum set. The drummer was using brushes, tastefully, immediately locking into the pocket.

The lights slowly came up, and everyone gasped and cheered at the same time as they recognized a familiar face, and Dio gleefully shouted into the mic, “Ladies and Gentlemen, it is our great pleasure to introduce… Mr. Charlie Watts!” The crowd exploded with excitement and, at the acknowledgement, Charlie simply nodded his head in the crowd’s general direction, back ramrod straight with perfect posture and determined, as he was, to maintain his tasty rhythm.

Dio’s grin widened as he turned to face the crowd again. “Oh folks, we’re not done yet. Let’s add another Charlie!” The crowd was hanging on his every word. “Now, he may not be royalty of rock, but he is royalty of another level… won’t you please welcome to the stage the one, the only, the legendary… Mr. Charlie Parker!”  And the place went nuts.

Knowing it would take a few moments for them to be heard, Watts simply kept the beat and then, when it was time, when the groove felt right, Parker raised his sax to his lips, embraced the beat Watts was laying down, and instantly grabbed the crowds rapt attention with a wondrous duo version of “Bluebird”. Hot on its heels came a snappy “Relaxing At The Camarillo”, and so on into the rest of the set. Both Charlies there, in their glory, lost in the music, together in music heaven, revelling in the joy of it all, knowing these were duets for the ages, and knowing that this was as it should be.

It could have been minutes, it could have been hours, but as the final notes of “Going, Going, Going, Gone” reverberated throughout the venue, everyone knew they had witnessed a true, momentous event.

 

The arena went dark.  A spotlight followed Dio as his spectral form returned to manic applause. He hit center stage, and looked down at the Snowman, who now was nervous as to why Dio was staring directly at him!  All Dio said was “Snowman…this band’s for you.  Here they are…CRAZY TRAIN TO HELL”!  The arena again went dark, and a menacing sound reverberated around the arena, as if a train was coming!  A bright light shone from the back of the stage, and it looked like a train was definitely coming! Smoke filled the air.  There was a nervousness in the crowd…then up from the stage came Randy Rhodes, as he threw out the riff to “Crazy Train”.  Everyone lost their minds…and for The Snowman, that wouldn’t take much!

Randy ripped through the opener, and then Bon Scott suddenly appeared and started singing the song like we’ve never heard before.  And the name of “Crazy Train to Hell” now made a lot more sense.  “But who is that playing bass, and who is destroying those drums?” wondered the Snowman, as if on cue, a poof of smoke, and Cliff Burton appeared on bass!  And then…Eric Carr on the drums!  Eric was the first metal drummer that the Snowman ever saw in concert.   He let out a huge “Woohoo!” and everyone around him looked at him like he was an idiot!  They all wondered who he was, and what the hell was he screaming about. The Snowman wondered if no one else could see them, and then the crowd suddenly could, and understood what was going on. The audience commenced screaming and the volume was almost unbearable!

After “Crazy Train”, it went dark again and as if by magic, Cliff was now front and center.  Metallica fans were about to get a treat as Cliff started playing “(Anaesthesia) Pulling Teeth”.   It was simply wicked.  People in the front were practically melting from the heat of Cliff’s bass, as it was aflame, as his fingers flew up and down the fret board.  It was a sight to be seen.  The Snowman was virtually in Rock and Roll Heaven, and wondered how Tee Bone and Superdekes were going to top that!

The arena went dark yet again and an explosion of fire lit the stage, as Eric Carr’s drum set suddenly appeared front and center.  Eric was standing up on his seat dressed in that leopard print leotard that no man should ever wear, but Eric could pull off.  He started destroying the skins and played a quick solo but then the band came back out and “Carr Jam” went in to full force.  Randy played those riffs, and the Snowman had to sit down as he felt faint from getting to hear Randy, Cliff and Eric play this amazing song. It was more than he could take.

Snowman was beside himself, and he thought he had witnessed the coolest thing ever, but it wasn’t over yet!  Bon Scott came back on stage and stood next to Randy.  He gave him a wink and Randy started playing “Highway to Hell”.  The noise from the crowd almost shattered every window in the Palace, as a few heads might have actually exploded.  Bon Scott sounded as gritty and nasty as always, and the song ended a set that was like a dream come true for so many to get to see these monsters of rock play one more time.  It was surreal.  It was insane. It was a Crazy Train to Hell.  The Snowman stood their like a idiot with a big grin slapped across his face.

There was darkness and silence as the audience at Deke’s Palace waited patiently for the next surprise.  Ripper the Squirrel hopped from his vantage point, earmuffs on, and excited by the next band inspired by his good friend Moustachio.  This time, there was no introduction from Dio, for the band had something else planned….

The stage had been shrouded in darkness since Crazy Train to Hell had left, and patience was starting to wear thin throughout the crowd. Then, the faint sound of drums came from the back of the stage. Rat tat-atatatat, it slowly grew louder as the silhouette of a man walked up to the microphone.

“Are you ready Chuck?

“Uh-huh”

“Kelly?”

“Yeah”

“Clive?”

“Okay”

“Well alright fellas! Let’s gooooooooo!”, screamed the unmistakable voice of Brian Connolly.

The stage exploded in a spectacle of light and sound as the band kicked off the “Ballroom Blitz” into top gear. Joining the shimmering Connolly on stage was rock and roll legend Chuck Berry with his fiery lead guitarwork, Iron Maiden’s Clive Burr on drums, and Electric Light Orchestra veteran Kelly Groucutt pulling double duties lending both his bass-playing skills and silky backing vocals to this talented quartet.

“Oh yeah! It was electric!”, sang Brian, “so frantically hectic!”.

The lyrics were familiar, but the sound was completely fresh. The lucky people in the crowd had never heard anything like this before. The song finished to rapturous applause, and the band wasted no time launching into their next number.

Over the course of twenty-five minutes the crowd was treated to a suite of classic rock and roll songs, all rendered in spectacular fashion. As the closing notes finished on an electrifying take on Buddy Holly’s “Well…All Right” (featuring a guest appearance by Tee Bone himself lending a second axe for the smoking dual-guitar riff made famous on Santana’s version), no one thought that things could get any better. But then they did.

Because the celebration of rock was about to culminate in a larger than life performance of “Roll Over Beethoven”, featuring none other than Ludwig Van B himself. Turns out he and Chuck had really hit it off there up at the great gig in the sky when the Father of Rock and Roll had passed in 2017. To think the maestro composer first demanded entry into Rock Heaven because he had a bone to pick with Chuck!

And with both Chuck Berry and a member of ELO on stage, this was quite possibly the definitive rendition of the song, bringing the two arrangements onto one glorious performance. Eight minutes of rocking, rolling, playing and soloing closed out a night of some the greatest live performances in history.

As the curtain fell on the stage, Tee Bone came up to say a few words.  He strolled out from the curtains into the spotlight one more time.

Backstage, Deke was checking off a checklist.  “Up last…it’s time for the closer, Metal Man’s band.”

Simultaneously Tee Bone looked down at his notes on clipboard.  “Wow, what a lineup he secured!  I heard he wanted the entire original lineup of Lynyrd Skynyrd, but Tommy Lee booked them for tonight instead.  Well, I’d better go introduce the MC for this set…”

“Ladies and gentleman, aliens and otherwise!” shouted Tee Bone.  His guitar was over his shoulder.  He attempted to do his best Paul Stanley impression.  He strummed a power chord.  “People!  I said, peeeeople!”  He sang the words into the microphone, sweat now beading on his nose.  “I said peeeeeople!  Lemme hear ya!  Put your hands together…for Elvis Presley!!”  Tee Bone exited in a flourish as Elvis himself sashayed onto the stage, glowing and striking his most famous poses all the way.

Elvis walked to center stage and gave his famous, “Thank you very much” to the crowd. “Our final performance tonight features Ronnie James Dio on vocals, Criss Oliva on guitar, Jimmy Bain on bass, Jon Lord on keyboards and Cozy Powell on drums. I give you now, Deep Black Rainbow!  Thank you ma’am!”

Elvis quickly exited stage left leaving the audience to gawk at the red lights as they rolled back the stage revealing a medieval setting with two fully armoured knights holding two-handed swords at either side, and a castle behind Cozy’s drum kit. While everyone was taking in the scene, they were brought back to reality by an explosion and familiar guitar riffs. Before anyone realized, Deep Black Rainbow were on stage engaging all with “Stand Up and Shout.”

After the Dio classic, the band yo-yoed between the Rainbow and Deep Purple: “Man on the Silver Mountain,” “Black Knight” and “Tarot Woman.” Ronnie’s voice being as sound as ever, spoke to the crowd, making sure they were enjoying the show. When the crowd roared back their approval, the band launched into “The Last in Line,” which was accompanied by bright lights shining out to the audience.

By this time, any doubts as to how guitarist, Criss Oliva, would handle unfamiliar songs were consigned to the bin, as his solos more than showed he was up to the job. Still, everyone went nuts when they played “Hall of the Mountain King” with Ronnie’s vocals adding a fresh perspective. Criss continued to awe the audience with a four minute guitar solo. When the rest of the band returned, they slowed things down with Rainbow’s “Temple of the King.”

At this point, Deep Purple Rainbow showed they still had the creativity when the unveiled their first original, “Deceive the Devil,” which the audience ate up. The laser battle going across the stage between the two knights might have helped. When the light show dimmed, it perfectly set the mood for the Black Sabbath classic, “Children of the Sea.”

In the eyes and ears of the audience, Deep Black Rainbow could do no wrong. Jon amazed the crowd with a mesmerising keyboard solo before the band returned and nailed “Woman From Tokyo.” Cozy followed with a drum solo, and after a few minutes, Jimmy joined in with him on bass. That led to another original, and two more Dio classics: “Rock and Roll Children” and “Rainbow in the Dark” in rapid succession.

It might have looked like it was going to be all over when they played “Long Live Rock and Roll,” when Ronnie got the audience participating. However, the band had one more trick up their sleeves. After the singalong, with the band in full swing, a mechanical dragon just like the one used on Dio’s “Sacred Heart” tour rose from behind the drums blowing smoke from its nose! It remained to the very end, and even took a bow with the band.

There was no way the audience would let things go that easily. In unison, they roared for Deep Black Rainbow’s return. It was only when throats started to go collectively sore that the band came back.  Then, Dio, beckoned to the side of the stage.  “Come on!” he motioned.  Then Elvis appeared, waved to the crowd, and grabbed a microphone.  Chuck Berry returned to the stage, duck-walking to center stage as the crowd screamed in approval.  Criss Oliva followed, plugging in his electric guitar so familiar from the Gutter Ballet album cover.  He was followed by Randy Rhoads who plugged into another stack of amps.  The final guitarist, Tee Bone Man himself, had the honour of standing between the two legendary axemen.  His face was humble and his eyes were made of joy.

Eric Carr and Clive Burr emerged, carrying tambourines and shakers.  Brian Connolly and Kelly Groucutt were behind them with microphones in their hands.  Cliff Burton just had a beer, while the two Charlies weren’t quite sure how they fit in, but were just glad to be there.  Paul MacLeod had returned, and simply grinned at all the rock majesty from the side of the stage.

Ronnie James Dio saluted the lucky fans, who were then treated to three encore songs.  First, “Highway Star,” then “Holy Diver”.

“We have time for one more!” Ronnie announced. The familiar guitar riff of an all-time classic sent all into mass hysterical frenzy.  Criss and Ronnie led the procession as everyone joined in the party that was “Smoke On the Water”!  An amazing light show accompanied the iconic hit, and if Richie Blackmore had been there, he would have taken out a court injunction against Criss Oliva, forbidding him to play it again, as he totally nailed the guitar solo. Jon Lord followed on with one more amazing keyboard solo and then a brief drum solo from Cozy.  Charlie Parker’s saxophone joined in for “Smoke”, while everyone sang along to the indelible chorus.  When they left again, this time for good, the audience screamed their heads off, and cigarette lighters lit up the entire seating area. Ronnie graciously thanked everyone for coming and enjoying the show, and for being so wonderful. All of Deep Black Rainbow came together, took their final bows and a few heavenly hugs.  The band glimmered bright, and faded away in a giant cascade of stars.  Tee Bone remained alone on stage.  Speechless, the man stood before them for an achingly long silence.

“Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages, friends from near and far…I don’t know what to say!” He paused, unsure how to finish.  Ultimately, he went with his guts.  “People…let’s see the Kiss Avatars top that!  You just witnessed the greatest rock show of all time!  Let’s hear it!”  The crowd screamed in eternal gratitude, for there would never be a show like this one.  “Now let’s count, because it’s almost midnight!”  A massive clock was projected on a screen behind him.

“10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1…wooo!” screamed the rapturous attendees.

“Happy New Year!” screamed Tee Bone at the top of his lungs.  “Welcome to 2024!”

Tee Bone basked in happiness, as Deke came out to give his best friend a hug.  This had to be the best New Year’s Eve celebration ever.

Epilogue 1:  In Space

Jen watched the simulcast from her tiny screen in the Galaxy Explorer.  She smiled, knowing how much her Brainiac would have loved seeing the Kiss guy on stage.  Her favourite performer was probably Chuck Berry, but she also really liked the Paul MacLeod song.  Dio also reminded her of her Michael.

There was a tap on the bulkhead by her station.  It was Captain Frank.

“Good evening, Specialist,” smiled the captain.  “Happy New Year.  It’s lights out for you in 15, just a reminder.  We have a load-in tomorrow and we’ll all need our rest.”

Jen grinned and removed her glasses.  “I was just about to get some sleep,” she answered.  “I was watching the big New Years concert.  You wouldn’t believe who they had on stage.”

The Captain chuckled.  “I heard it was going to be Kiss, kicking off another tour!”   They both laughed.

“It was a bit bigger than that,” answered Jen, “but I won’t spoil the show for you.  You’ll have to see it for yourself.”

“Sounds good, Specialist.  See you in the morning, G’night.”

“Good night Captain,” said Jen.  “And good night my Brainiac, until we meet again.”

Epilogue 2:  The aftermath

It took a full three days for Tee Bone Man and Superdekes to sleep off the show they had hosted.  The tundra of Thunder Bay was completely thawed by the sheer heat generated by the music, not to mention the pyro.  This resulted in several road closures, cutting off Thunder Bay from the rest of Canada, with the hardtop cracked and sinkholed.  It was like an earthquake had hit the small city.  Many concert-goers were stranded in Thunder Bay until safe passage could be assured.

The Thunder Bay Times had written an article about the concert, praising the surprise factor of the performers, the music, the song selections, and the technical aspects of the show.  They had, perhaps surprisingly, also lambasted Tee Bone and Superdekes for long lines, especially to the washrooms, and a cumbersome online ticket sale interface.  Of course, the three day traffic jam to leave town dominated the news for three cycles, and even made the international morning talk programs in the US and UK.  Tee Bone Man was finding himself the uncomfortable face of the infrastructure breakdown and traffic issues that everyone was talking about.

The hotel and bed-and-breakfast business in Thunder Bay, usually struggling and sluggish, was now booming.  In three days, they had posted enough profit to cover their budgets for the next three months.  The conversations around the water coolers, pro and con Tee Bone and Superdekes, started locally but began to spread all over the world.  Was the concert a good or bad thing?  What about that exploding restaurant in Kitchener Ontario a month or two ago?  Trouble seemed to follow these two, wherever they went.  Twitter was filled with discussion, much of it hostile.  People began changing their avatars to Tee Bone Man’s face, or his face with a line through it.  It was getting…ugly.  This was something new for the two heroes.

Somewhere in Ontario, sitting in her plush red armchair, a woman read the latest article on Tee Bone and Superdekes, the concert, and the casualties.  She stroked a miniature Schnauzer, black and grey and white and snoozing peacefully, on her lap.  The woman turned the page to the obituaries.  It had become habit, since suffering her own loss at the hands of these two so-called “heroes”.   Angrily, she stopped herself, hastily balled up the newspaper and threw it into the fireplace.  The fire briefly expanded and brightened as the paper turned to ash.  The dog, startled, jumped off her lap.

She stood.  She picked up a large black case.

“It’s time we paid Tee Bone Man a visit,” she growled.  The Schnauzer growled, in perfect musical harmony.  An orange portal opened, and the two stepped through.

To be continued…in Tee Bone and Superdekes Go Back to School Parts 1 and 2!

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

 

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

 

The Writer’s Room

 

 

The Writer’s Room: New Year’s Grieve!

Mike strode upon the tiles of the writer’s room.  Over the summer, they had the old carpet pulled up, and laid down expensive fresh tiles.  Marble, or something.  Mike wasn’t much for details.  He acted as if the weight of the world was in his shoulders, and sometimes it was, but today he was really feeling the strain.

At the big conference table sat the usual crew.  To his left:  Aaron and Harrison, with Harrison taking notes.  To his right:  the 80s Metal Man and John T. Snow himself.  Snow had just poured himself a big glass of Gene Simmons brand sweet tea.  Sweet Pain, it was called.  Snowman grimaced a little bit as the biting sweetness hit his palette, but the concoction didn’t seem too deadly.

Mike rubbed his head.  Inhale.  OK.  Time to talk.

“Guys, I just want to thank you again for all your hard work this year.  Each of you wrote some excellent stories for Tee Bone Man.  Harrison, of course, we all know what he accomplished this year!”  There was a quick round of applause, led by Aaron with a traditional “Wahoo!”

It was the Metal Man who prompted Mike to continue.  “Yet this doesn’t sound like a ‘good news’ meeting, not at this late hour,” he said.  Indeed, the Metal Man was jet-lagged, for back home in England it was well past midnight.

“You’re right Metal Man, it’s not good news.  But you may as well get the news from the horse’s mouth.  We’re just waiting for the horse.”  It was then that the big new monitor on the wall behind him crackled to life.  As usual, it was Holen coming in with static.  You could make out a vaguely human shape and a distorted voice.

“Hey guys, it’s me, I’m the bad news,” came the voice from the screen.  Mike tried to force a chuckle as Holen spoke.

“Hey Holen,” said the table in unified concern.

“I’m sorry to let you down guys.  I’ve been down for the count…(that was a plug for Tim Durling’s new book by the way)…I have had an unusual streak of bad luck.  I haven’t been able to finish my part of the Tee Bone Man’s New Year Eve Special story.  I apologize.”

“Aww that’s OK,” answered the Snowman between sips of sweet tea.  “I bet your story would have been awesome.”

“Mike would have loved my story,” answered Holen between crackles of noise.  “You guys wanna know what band I picked?”

The table reacted in excitement!  The gimmick this year was Mike’s idea.  In the world of Tee Bone Man, Tee and Superdekes were going to host a massive New Year’s Eve concert.  The catch?  Spinning off last year’s Christmas tale, the denizens of Rock and Roll Heaven would be resurrected in spectral form, to put on the ultimate live concert!  The deadline for the writers to get their bands and setlists in was, of course, December 31 2023.  The story would go live at midnight.

Each writer in the room was responsible for penning their own section of the concert.  Mike, Harrison, Aaron, Snowman and Metal Man had long submitted their deceased rock star supergroups.  Holen had been mysteriously quiet as they waited to finish the story.  Now, we know why.  A string of crappy luck!

“OK, ready for this?  Mike you’ll love my lead singer.  I have Little Richard!” exclaimed Holen.

“WaaHOOOOOOOOO!” responded Aaron at that pick.  The table laughed in unison.

“But wait, I have two singers.  Second, we have Lou Reed, also playing lead guitar!”

Mike made an enthusiastic guitar squealing noise and face.  “Metal Machine Music!!” declared Mike.

“More lead guitars,” announced Holen, “Courtesy of Robert Quine!”

There was silence.

“Come on guys, Robert Quine?  Worked with Lou Reed, John Zorn, Marianne Faithful, Richard Hell, Matthew Sweet!”

“Oh, cool!!” enthused Aaron with genuine excitement.

“And finally,” said Holen, “I couldn’t split up the rhythm section from The Who, so I picked both John Entwistle and Keith Moon!”

A few jaws dropped around the table.  A few claps were heard.

“That would have been a damn cool concert,” said the Snowman as he gulped down his last swallow of Simmons brand sweet tea.  From the corner of the room, a door opened and a uniformed Gene Simmons rep emerged to hand John a cheque for his endorsement.  The Simmons rep exited as quietly as she came, and John silently pocketed the money.

Harrison then spoke.  “Gentlemen, as sad as I am that Holen could not contribute this year, I can assure you the story is quite good as it is.  The art is complete and Mike tells me he likes it very much.”  Mike made a clapping motion for the hard-working Australian.

“I can also reveal this much about the final story,” continued Mike.  “80s Metal Man wrote a section so epic that I just had to choose his band to close the concert.  In fact he wrote a concert so epic, that he had to cut it down from six pages!”  There was a collective gasp.  “And, the good news here today is that Metal Man will be posting the full unedited supergroup on his own website too!”

“Great work, Metal Man!” shouted the Snowman.

Aaron raised his hand.  “Can I ask a question?  What happened to Holen anyway?”

Holen coughed (or perhaps it was static).  “I can’t divulge any details,” he answered vaguely.  “All I can say is they can’t get rid of me that easily!”

The table laughed in awkward tension, unsure how serious Holen was!

Mike spoke again.  “I for one am just glad to have Holen here with us for this teleconference; this is the last one of 2023.  And may I say it?  It was the best year for Tee Bone Man stories yet.  And 2024 is gonna rock.”

Everyone clapped.  Everyone, even the stoic Harrison, had smiles on their faces.  Mike grinned to himself.  The whole Tee Bone Man Multiverse was complicated, but they’d be straightening everything out in January.  It was Mike and Harrison who decided to go full multiverse this time.  It opened up whole new avenues.  Harrison decided that Multiversal portals would be orange, to reflect the glow of Tee Bone’s favourite Scotch. Orange portals!  And it worked so well in their stories!  As soon as you saw an orange glow, that was a clue that multiversal shenanigans were afoot.

It was at that exact moment that Mike noticed an orange glow in the furthest corner of the room.

There was a scream.

“Guys!!!  Help me!!”  It was the Snowman!  From behind him opened a sparkling, circular orange portal.  A pair of hands grasped him, and pulled him through.

“Gu…”

John T. Snow’s voice was cut suddenly, as the orange portal closed shut before their eyes.

Everyone in the room looked at Mike in complete confusion.

“What the…!” he shouted with hands on his head.

To be continued in the Adventures of Tee Bone Man….

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

 

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

 

 

Jen In Space: Mission One – A Tee Bone Man Multiverse Story

Jen In Space: Mission One

A Tee Bone Man Multiverse Story

Immediately following the events of Tee Bone Man Chapter 22:  Enter the Durling Foundation

The uniformed man at the reception desk looked up over his spectacles.  His eyebrows raised and he immediately stood at attention.  Before him stood a blonde girl holding an acoustic guitar, a smile beaming from her face.

“Jennifer Ladano reporting for duty!” she announced.

“Yes!  Mrs. Ladano.  We’ve been expecting you.  Please, put your things down here behind my desk.  We’ll make sure everything gets properly loaded.  Come with me please?  We have so much to do before your journey.”

“Thank you so much,” answered the woman as she handed over her purse and guitar.  But please, call me Mrs. Brainiac.  That’s what my teammates call me.”

The man smiled.  “Ah yes!  We were filled in on the details by your liason, a Tee Bone Man?”  Jen nodded in acknowledgement.  “It says here your trip is being funded by the Durling Foundation, and American magnate John Snow.  Impressive stuff.  How did you hook up with those kinds of people, if you don’t mind me asking?  That’s pretty rarified air.”

“Through my husband,” she answered with a hint of sadness.  “He and his friend co-founded our group, the Northern Lights.  But…he was killed in battle.  I’m carrying on his mission in his name.  I work directly for Tee Bone Man, who I see you’re familiar with.  He’s a superhero, and the Northern Lights are here to protect us all.  My mission is to be his eyes in space.  That’s why I signed on for this flight.”

Impressed, the man checked off some boxes on a clipboard.

“And the guitar?” he asked.

“I used to play.  I thought I’d take it up again, entertain the crew.  They say it can get pretty quiet in space.”

The man smiled.  “You’d think that, but it’s actually a fallacy.  The fact of the matter is, there are so many pumps and fans and machines constantly working to keep you alive on a spaceship, there’s always some background noise.  You get used to it, though.”

Jen didn’t look concerned.  “I brought my earbuds, too.”

The man pointed ahead to a big blue beauty of a ship outside a massive observation window.  “You’re going to like the Galaxy Explorer,” he enthused.  “It’s the latest in space technology.  I understand Snow undersigned the whole project.  Deep pockets!”  He stopped walking and got serious a moment.  “You seem like a nice person.  You have some pretty powerful friends.  Are you sure you’re up for this?”

“I need to do this,” she answered simply.

“OK,” said the man.  Let’s get you suited up and introduce you to the crew.  We call them the Fantastic Four!”

Jen was now in a blue spacesuit.  She held a white helmet under her arm.  She insisted on blue.  Eventually, they found one in storage.  She was adamant:  she would not wear another team’s colours!  Nobody seemed to know what she meant, but she was now happily in the right suit.

“Gentlemen!” said the man to the four astronauts waiting to board.  “Let me introduce you to your special passenger.  This is Mrs. Brainiac.  If you’ve read your mission briefings, which I know you haven’t, then you’ll know she’s being overseen by John T. Snow and the Durling Foundation!  This means anything she needs, you get it.  Understood?”

“Yes Admiral!” the four answered with salutes.

“Admiral?  You didn’t tell me you were an admiral!” said Jen with shock as she awkwardly saluted.

“Stand down Mrs. Brainiac,” he smiled.  “You’re not enlisted and you don’t have to salute.  And you can just call me Doug.  Clear?  Now, here are your crewmates for this mission!”  Each astronaut shook her hand in turn.  “We call them the Fantastic Four because, well, you’ll understand why.  In the red spacesuit, this is Captain Frank Kerman, mission commander.  Also in red, this is Commander Fred Dika, second in change.  In white, science officer Fritz DeAngelis.  And finally, also in white, geologist Finn Oxford.”

Jen’s head spun.  “Frank…Fred…Fritz…and Finn.  This won’t get confusing at all.  I apologize in advance for messing up all your names!”

The group laughed.  Captain Frank patted her on the back.  “No problem and welcome to the team, Mrs. Brainiac.  Contrary to the Admiral’s assumptions, I have read the mission briefings twice.  Your husband was a hero ma’am.  I am sorry for your loss.”

“It’s OK,” she mumbled.  “Let’s see our ship.”

Captain Frank extended his hand.  “Follow me ma’am.  Admiral?”

The Admiral saluted.  “Safe travels, Captain.  Moon and back.  Simple as apple pie.”

“Simple as pie,” saluted the Captain in return.

“This is so exciting!” said Jen as the quintet boarded through the rear ramp.  The ramp led up to an airlock with a moon rover docked and locked down.  Jen’s guitar was stowed on a wall.  Through the airlock, the astronauts entered the ship’s main quarters.

“Welcome aboard the Galaxy Explorer!  State of the art, and our home for the next two weeks!”

On the outside, the sleek delta shaped ship was decked out in classic blue, grey and yellow.  Inside, it was equipped with all the latest tech.  Jen’s eyes were wide in awe.

“There’s so many controls!  These were not in the manuals I studied!” she gasped.

Science Officer Fritz smiled at her.  “Don’t worry about all that, this is my territory.  As science officer, I’m qualified on every station on board this ship.”

“So…what do I do?” asked Jen.

“Right now, you get your helmet on and strap in, because it’s T-minus 30 minutes to launch!” answered Captain Frank.  “Jen, for the launch, I’d be honoured if you’d sit in the cockpit with us.  Finn…geologists in the back!”

“But I called shotgun!” sulked geologist Finn as he took a bunk in the back.

“Helmets on, visors down!” ordered the captain.  “We launch in 30!”

The minutes ticked away slower than any that Jen had ever experienced.  With the Leafs in overtime dying to score a winning goal, the clocks had never seem to move so slowly.  But tick away the minutes did, and soon it was 60 seconds to launch.  The crew flicked switches and issued instructions to each other.  30 seconds.  The engines were already roaring.  20 seconds.  10.  9.  8.  7…

“LAUNCH!” commanded the captain.  The engines ignited in massive flames, dozens of feet in length.  The mighty craft lifted off the ground.  There were no crowds to see our brave crew off.  This mission was top secret, by orders of Tee Bone Man himself.  It was on a need to know basis.  Within the Northern Lights, only Tee Bone, Superdekes, Snowman, and Tim Durling knew where Mrs. Brainiac was.   For her safety, it had to stay that way.  Max the Axe liked to talk.

Contrails of white followed the craft through the sky.  Soon that was all that could be seen.  Shortly after that, even the echo of the mighty engines could not be heard from the ground.

Jen was worried that the three day trip to the moon would be dull, with nothing to take up her time.  Far from it.  The Galaxy Explorer was equipped with the most sensitive observation devices invented to date.  These were provided by Superdekes, and they were already collecting massive amounts of data for Jen to sift through.

“Tee Bone Man wanted me to be his eyes and ears in space,” she signed, “but there is so much here to go through.  There has to be a way to simplify this data.”

She put on her glasses, got an old fashioned pen and paper out, and began writing numbers down.

“Well, I do have an OCD for numbers, I guess I was meant for this job,” she said with determination.

It only took 15 minutes for her to detect the outlines of a pattern in the numbers.  She got the captain’s attention.

“Captain Frank?  Can you tune all ship sensors directly towards the moon?  I’m noticing a strange spike in various signals any time the sensors were on the moon.”

“Copy that, mission specialist.  Tuning all sensors moonward,” responded the Captain.

This was fun!  Jen was enjoying herself.  Being in space even felt good, always floating around in her seat.  She had an idea.

“Captain, requesting streaming access for Hockey Night in Canada on monitor one,” she requested.

“Approved…” answered the captain with hesitation.  “Purpose?” he questioned.

“Oh, just in case the two are connected?” answered Jen with no confidence in her voice.

“Proceed,” answered the captain just as the hockey broadcast hit Jen’s screen.

“Sweet!” she smiled to herself.  “YES!  First goal of the series!!” she exclaimed out loud.

“Repeat that?” asked commander Fred.

“Umm, nothing, just found…an anomaly in the data…” answered Jen with a sly grin.  This was going to be fun for sure.

Three days later, the ship had landed successfully on the moon.  Thanks to Jen’s data analysis, they were able to touch down just where there seemed to be some odd energy patterns.  There was no sign on the ground of anyone having been here before, but there was something strange.  Perhaps several feet under the regolith.  It was hard to tell exactly what they were picking up, but it was here.

Taking shifts, the crew enjoyed some time outside the ship.  Jen even got to drive the moon rover, and didn’t crash it.

Today was her day on the rover again.  The sensors were picking up something in a nearby crater now, and she was sent to investigate.

“Take this,” said Captain Frank as he handed her a laser pistol.  “I know you were trained on how to use this.  Don’t be shy if you have to.”

“Yes Captain,” said Jen.  “I’ll have to tell you the story of my first Thanksgiving with Michael, when he took me to the family cottage and I had to stay in a room with guns hanging from a gunrack made of deer parts.”  The captain looked puzzled.  “It’s a good story,” assured Jen.  “It’s not my first gun is what I’m saying.”

“Ah.  OK.  Good luck, specialist.  Report back in an hour or less.”

“Yes Captain!” saluted Jen.  “Off we go.  Wooooo!”  She gunned the engine of the moon rover and made her way to the crater, kicking up moon dust the whole way behind.

Though she was enjoying driving without a license, she just had to stop and enjoy the view.

“I’ve never seen the stars so clear before,” she marveled.  “Mike would be here telling me the names of the constellations,” she contemplated.

“Did you say Mike??” asked a voice, somehow broadcasting on Jen’s helmet’s channel!

“Who said that??” screamed a startled Jen.  “Who’s there?”  There was nobody there.

“I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to scare you.  I knew a Mike.  I wonder if it’s the same one.”  An alien decloaked in front of her eyes.  “I’m sorry for the deception, but there bad people here on the moon.  I have been hiding.  But…you look like someone I can trust.”

Jen could not believe her eyes.  Before her stood an alien, a real alien, all in green, with no spacesuit.  Just hanging out on the moon like it was nobody’s business.

“Well, my friend, I am sorry to tell you that Mike is a very common name back on Earth.”  She paused to point at the big blue globe in the sky.  “That’s where I’m from.  Earth.  Are you from the moon?  Do you have a name?  My name is Jen.”

“My name is Fillmore.  Fillmore West.  I’m from Zeta Reticuli.  I had a spaceship and a crew and everything once, but then an Earthling named Tommy Lee took it all.  I had some human friends.  They were named Fanboy Mike and Edie Van Heelin’…”

Jen’s mouth dropped.  “Did you say…”

“You do know him!” gasped Fillmore.

“I knew both of them,” sighed Jen.  “Mike was my husband.  They’re both gone now, killed in action fighting the forces of evil.”

Fillmore’s expression changed.  Jen assumed he was sad too.  “I’m so sorry.  They were good.  They helped me.  I miss them.”

“I miss my Brainiac,” said Jen, “but you said that there were bad people here on the moon.  Tell me about them.  Can I call you Phil?”

The alien jumped.  “Yes!  You can call me Phil.  The bad people come when the craters are in shadow.  They bring strange cargo.  I know not what for.  I see them.  There is a human.  He wears a spacesuit, like yours, but white and orange.  He has robot bodyguards.  They shoot at me if they see me.  But they have not got me yet!  Phil, Phil is smart!”   The alien pointed at his enormous head.  “I hide!  They can’t find me.”

“You poor thing!” said Jen with empathy.  “But you’re with me now.  I am here with friends.  Would you like to go meet them?”

Phil shuddered.  “No friends, no friends!  Just Jen.”  She could see he was scared of humans, thanks to his experiences with Tommy Lee.  Jen never liked Motley Crue.  Mike didn’t play Motley music around her very often, but when he did…she wasn’t into it, shall we say.  Now she felt more justified than ever.

“OK Phil.  Just you and me.”

“We are friends,” responded the alien.

The hours flew past, and Jen lost track of time.  Her one great weakness.  She chatted with Phil all this time, telling him of Earth pastimes such as baseball and hockey, all the while gleaning crucial pieces of information.  She already knew of Tommy Lee’s involvement with the bad guys threatening Earth.  That much was in her top secret info packet from Tee Bone Man.  Thanks to Phil, she was learning of Lee’s movements and actions.  Multiple trips to Mar-A-Lago, Florida.  A few voyages to space to meet a mysterious benefactor, and several liasons with Satan himself.  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes were going to find this information extremely valuable.

Suddenly, she noticed that shadows were creeping over her.  “Oh no…”

Phil looked at her in what she assumed was panic.  “The crater is in shadow!  The bad men…”

On cue, a small spacecraft slowly drifted in shadow over the crater.  It could only be seen by the stars it blocked as it moved.

“Single seater?” asked Jen.

“One passenger,” answered Phil, “But he has battle droids.”

The shadowy ship slowly descended.

“Tell me about the battle droids,” queried Jen.

“Heavily armed,” cautioned Phil.

The craft set down gently.  The cockpit opened, and a ramp opened in the back, from which the two battle droids exited as Phil had warned.  The pilot, in an orange and white spacesuit, looked about.  He did not see them.  The pilot walked towards a large moon rock.  He felt around it, and suddenly the rock moved, revealing a hidden passage on the floor of the crater.  The droids loaded some cargo in the passage.  The pilot then touched the rock again, and it moved back into its previous position.

A droid turned and looked directly at where they were hiding.

Phil turned and looked at Jen.  A bead of sweat ran down her face.  Neither of them moved.  The droid stared.  Jen’s helmet was starting to fog.  Phil looked terrified.

The two sat in their position for what seemed like an eternity.  The droid was motionless.  They could not guess how long they sat there in the regolith without moving.

Finally, the droid turned, and began walking back to the ship.

“Whew!” exclaimed Phil.  “I thought he had us!”

A new voice answered him.

“He did.”

Jen and Phil turned in shock.  The pilot in orange and white stood before them.

 

“He was just buying me time to surround you.  Weapons down.”  The pilot bore a sword and held it to Phil’s long alien neck.

Jen removed her laser gun from her spacesuit and placed it on the ground.  Phil raised his hands in terror.  The second battle droid had joined them.

“Now, who are you, and what are you doing here in this specific crater on the moon?” demanded the pilot.

“We’re the Care Bears,” answered Jen sarcastically.  “And you are?”

The pilot’s gold visor turned transparent, and he revealed his face.  Human.

“I’m just a good Samaritan, stowing medical supplies and food rations in this depot,” he demurred.  “You must forgive my aggressive stance, we get raided by pirates so frequently.”  A smile emerged on his face.  “You seem harmless.  At least without your little ray gun.  My name is Colonel Cooper.  I am a humanitarian and pacifist.”

Phil seemed suddenly relieved, but Jen pushed.

“A pacifist with two beefy battle droids?”

The Colonel smiled.  “Pirates, my dear.  Only for defence.”

“Funny you should say that, because my friend Phil here says you’ve shot at him before.”

He smiled some more.  “A misunderstanding!  Come, let me take you to your ship.  I’m sure you’re not alone and I’d like to meet your friends.”

Jen had to think fast.  If she let those two battle droids anywhere near the Galaxy Explorer, there’s a good chance they could disable it and capture her friends, leaving her stranded here on the moon.

Then she remembered.  Her guitar.  She brought it with her.

“Sure thing Colonel Cooper!” she answered brightly.  We just have to follow the tracks back, from my moon rover.  It’s right over here.  Wanna see?”  The Colonel followed Jen as she led him towards the rover.  “It’s pretty cool,” she said.  Then she leaped, using the moon’s 1/6th gravity to her advantage!  She landed next to the rover and swiftly grabbed her guitar from the back rack!  Cooper was not fooled any longer and also jumped, aiming to take Jen down.  But in her hands now was a beautiful Yamaha acoustic guitar.  With a mighty swing that would have made Jose Bautista proud, she nailed Cooper directly in the head.

His helmet flew off.

Jen swung her shattered guitar again.  The remnants of the instrument removed the skin from the Colonel’s face, revealing the glowing blue circuitry of an android beneath.

She gasped.  Phil’s eyes widened in what must be shock.

“A robot?” she exclaimed.

The android sputtered and shook on the floor of the crater, at least temporarily disabled.  Suddenly, Jen and Phil were surrounded by battle droids.  They raised their weapons, but Jen did not have her ray gun.

A powerful light beamed down from overhead.

“This is Captain Frank Kerman of the Galaxy Explorer!  Deactivate your weapons and back off!”  The droids did as commanded.

“Specialist Jen!  You were to check in after one hour!  That was four hours ago!”

Jen was just relieved to hear the captain’s voice.  “Sorry Captain!  But I have acquired valuable information…and made a new friend.  You’re going to want to hear this story.”

Suddenly, the android body of Colonel Cooper exploded.  The two battle droids followed his example.

“Self-destruct,” reasoned Jen.  “Now we can’t get any more information from them.”

“Sounds like you got us plenty,” answered the Captain.  “Let’s get you on board and debriefed immediately.”

Jen grabbed the remnants of her guitar, and loaded it onto the Galaxy Explorer, with Phil at her side.

The captain, Jen and Phil all sat together in the airlock, while the rest of the crew occupied the cockpit.  With the airlock pressurized, they were able to talk with helmets off.  The captain spoke.

“We dug up their so-called supply depot.  It wasn’t medication or foodstuffs.  It was weapons.  Good job, specialist Ladano.  You and Phil here stopped a major operation.”

“But weapons for what?” asked Jen.

“Invasion,” responded Phil.

The mood in the room was grim.  A monitor lit up.

“Deke’s Palace, Superdekes on the line,” said the face on the monitor.  “Jen!  Nice to see you.  How are you doing?”

“Great, Deke!” she answered.  “I just had my first adventure in space!”

“And she got us valuable information, Deke,” said Captain Frank.  “Every detail about Tommy Lee’s activities for the last year, and now this weapons depot we uncovered today.”

“Tee Bone Man is gonna wanna know about this,” said Deke with dark seriousness.  “Jen, how comfortable are you right now?  Because I think we’re gonna need your eyes and ears in space for a while longer.”

“Whatever you need Deke,” said Jen.  “We got this.”

Deke nodded solemnly.  “And we got your back.  The Northern Lights are in your debt.”

“Then buy me a coffee when I get home and we’ll call it even,” said Jen.

“Deal.  Deke out.”

“Ready for lift-off!” announced Commander Fred.  “Launch!”

The Galaxy Explorer set off from the surface of the moon, on her way to their next adventure.

The end.

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

 

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

 

 

The Adventures of Tee Bone Man: Enter The Durling Foundation

The multiverse just got bigger.

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN
PHASE TWO: THE MULTIVERSE SAGA


Chapter Twenty-Two: Enter The Durling Foundation

Dressed in sharp black suits, Tee Bone Man and Superdekes entered the restaurant with faces covered in dark sunglasses.  Deke gestured to the server – table for 10.  A few servers scrambled, putting tables together into one large one, and placing napkins and cutlery.  One gestured to come in and sit.  Tee Bone and Deke removed their jackets and hung them nearby.

Now seated, Deke removed his sunglasses.  His eyes were red, but not from Scotch.

“That’s two funerals in two months,” he said to Tee Bone Man.  “I hope we don’t have to get used to that.”

Tee Bone kept his glasses on his face, not ready to face the light yet.

“First Edie, now the Brainiac,” he murmured.  “I can’t help but wonder who could be next.”

[FURTHER READING:  Chapter 20 – The Death of Edie Van Heelin’, Chapter 21 – Fate of the Brainiac]

“Chin up pal,” said Deke with a punch in the arm.  “Our friends will be here soon.  We need a chance to regroup, celebrate our fallen comrades, and meet some new ones.”

Tee Bone finally removed his shades.  “Scotch, please, neat,” he requested of the nearest server.  Deke ordered a water and contemplated a menu.  His mind wasn’t really on food.  He was not hungry.

There was a commotion at the door.

“Sir!” said a server at the entrance.  “Our policy is that shirts must be worn in this establishment!”

A bulky shirtless man with a jet-black beard and matching hair chuckled.  “It’s OK!  I’m Jex Rambo!” he assured them.  “I work for Tim Durling!”  He then moved past the servers and took a seat with Deke and Tee Bone at their large table.

“Gentlemen!  Nice to finally meet you in person mes amis!  I’m Jex, Jex Rambo, otherwise known as Jexcalibur.   Full name?  Jexcalibur Dot WordPress Dot Com!  I’m just kidding.  My mailman calls me Jean, but you can just call me whatever you want, as long as you call me!”  The three shook hands and thought nothing of the fact that the man had no shirt.  If you had guns like Jex Rambo, you’d show them too.

“Great to meet you Jex,” said Deke.  “You represent the mysterious Durling Foundation, right?”

Jex nodded excitedly.  “That’s correct amigo!  I work for the man himself, actually.  He’s right behind me, in fact, he was just parking the car!  We flew on TVC-Force-1 here from Moncton, and rented a car at the airport.  He’ll be in shortly.”

As if on cue, a tall man, with gray hair and a Def Leppard T-shirt walked through the doors.  The servers pointed him to the large table and he began to make his way through the restaurant.

“Mon ami Tim!” shouted Jex.  “Come and meet these guys, Superdekes and Tee Bone Man.”

The large man sat, and shook their hands.  “So glad to finally see you face to face.  You received my last parcel OK?”

Deke nodded affirmative.  “We did!  But why did you send us a vintage box of floppy discs from 1984 anyway?”

Tim hung his jacket, as the four were interrupted by a waiter.

“Can I get you gentlemen something to start?  An appetizer perhaps?”

“No thanks,” answered Tee Bone.  “We’re waiting on a few more people.”

Mr. Durling spoke to those attending.  “Gentleman, we came here all the way from the east coast to assure you that you have our support.  Jex Rambo, my personal head of security, is at your disposal.”  He paused a moment to get serious.  “I knew your friend the Brainiac quite well, though we never met in person.  I supplied some of the components to a machine he was building that he called the Large Ordnance Outlayer Featuring Assisting Human.  I provided the vintage reel-to-reel tape memory system and vacuum tubes.”

Deke scratched his head.  How odd.  Meanwhile, the waiter brought appetizers that they did not order.

Durling continued.  “Aaanyway.  In our last conversations, the Brainiac said the threat facing us was not just universal in nature, but possibly even multiversal.  With those kind of stakes, I can’t just stand aside.”

The table nodded.  “Well we all appreciate your…” began Deke before being drowned out by a ruckus at the door.

“I’m kind of a big deal,” came a gravelly voice from a short, burly, long haired man at the entrance.  “I’m Max the Axe!”

“He’s with us!” shouted Tee Bone, pointing to their table.

[FURTHER READING:  Chapter 15 – Status Acoustic: The Really Big Deal]

Max made his way to the table, sitting next to Jex Rambo.

“Can we switch seats?  I’m kind of a big deal,” asked Max.

“Sure…I guess?” answered a quizzical Jex.

Once all was settled, and Tee Bone was about to speak, Max interrupted.  He snapped his finger in the air.

“Garçon!  Garçon!  Hi.”  He caught the attention of a waiter.  “Yeah hi.  Can I get scrambled eggs, three yolks, two whites?  You use the extra white to make Hollandaise sauce.”

“This is starting to descend into chaos,” thought Tee Bone to himself.  “Should I have invited all these guys?”

There was another ruckus at the door.  A man wearing a large shark-shaped helmet over his whole head, and carrying a trident, entered the establishment.  He was followed by a balding man with glasses, dressed in red.   Then, a fully bald man, tall, towering.  A Richard Dreyfuss lookalike, and a blonde guy carrying a doubleneck bass in teal.  The Dreyfuss lookalike screamed at the bassist.

“Get out of here, Common Knowledge!” He kicked the bassist in the ass on his way out.  “It’s not my fault you were copied on the email chain!”  The bassist sulked off into the parking lot.  The other four entered the waiting area and removed their coats.

“There’s the rest of our group,” announced Tee Bone.  “Robert, King of the Sharks!  Kevin the Mars Man.  Our good friend Aaron, Mr. Books!  And of course, the Snowman himself.  Welcome, boys!”

[FURTHER READING:  Chapter 12 – Lost In Space, Chapter 5 – The Super Duper Vault, Chapter 7 – The Revenge of Common Knowledge]

“Wahoo!” shouted Aaron.

Deke whispered over to Tee Bone.  “Where’s Bernard, the Knight?  Isn’t he coming?”

“He doesn’t have email,” answered Tee Bone.

Deke nodded in understanding.  He whispered to Tee Bone.  “I also contacted our friend in the UK, the Metal Man, to keep him apprised of what’s going on.  He’s monitoring movements from beyond this mortal coil, but he sends his sincere condolences.”  Tee Bone nodded in momentary sadness.  He turned his attention to the table.  Hands shook and introductions were made.  Eventually, all the men were seated.  All but Tee Bone Man, who clinked his glass and addressed the table.

“Gentlemen, thank you for coming, in memory of our friends, and as the first official meeting of the Northern Lights.”  There was some light clapping.  “The Northern Lights were formed by Deke and I, with the Brainiac and Edie Van Heelin’,” he began.  He choked up a moment.  “To defend Earth from threats that are now beginning to make themselves known to us.  So far, we haven’t done so well.  But here we are — the dream of Edie and the Brainiac is now a reality.  We are a team, we are the Northern Lights, and we all know what the job is.”

[FURTHER READING:  Chapter 18 – Shinzon Origins]

“What’s the job boss?” asked Max.

Tee Bone gritted his teeth a moment.  It was hard to accept everything they had to face.

“We have three primary missions.  One:  to be vigilant and protect the planet from Shinzon, Tyranus, Tommy Lee and anyone else who dares to try us.  Two:  to find our missing friend Moustachio, and bring him home.  And three…” his eyes narrowed.  “Three, to find the ones responsible for killing our dearest blood.  And bring them to justice.”

Everyone at the table clapped.

“I’m not quite up to speed here,” said Mars.  “What exactly are we facing, Tee Bone Man?”

“I wouldn’t worry about Donald Trump,” shushed the Snowman.

“What?” asked Deke.

“Nothing!” answered Snow, as he quickly buried his nose in a menu.

“Allow me?” asked Jex Rambo.  “No offence guys, but I studied the notes.  I think I can explain.”  Tee Bone and Deke nodded in the affirmative.

“To my understanding, up until recently, Tee Bone Man and Superdekes here were fighting fairly localized threats.  Threats at least bound to this planet, or solar system.   However, their friend Moustachio, who some of you may know but I never got to meet, disappeared mid-battle.  Deke has determined that Moustachio is lost in a parallel universe, of which finding him is part of our mission .  Then, as you are all sadly aware, they lost their Northern Lights partners Edie and the Brainiac in recent battles.  A strange clean-shaven clone of Moustachio named Shinzon, representing someone named Tyranus, is involved.  But Deke suspects even Tyranus answers to a much larger threat.  Something multiversal in nature.  The biggest threat we ever faced.  That’s why we were summoned.”

[FURTHER READING:  Chapter 16 – A Crazy Crazy Night]

“That’s about it,” responded Deke.  “No pressure,” he joked.  “You up for this?” he challenged.

“You have my axe!” shouted Max.

“And you have my muscle!” responded Jex Rambo.

“And my tech!” said the head of the Durling Foundation.

“And my petty cash!” screamed the Snowman.

The entire restaurant turned and stared as these bizarre characters each stood and spoke.

“You have my jaws!” proclaimed the King of the Sharks, raising his trident.

“And my vinyl collection!” said the Mars Man, not knowing what else to answer.

“And my books!” announced Aaron.  “Wahoo!!”

Tee Bone looked around him.  It was coming together.  The Northern Lights were coming together.  Maybe their losses were not in vain.  Their united grief had brought this remarkable group of people together on this day.

“And you have my blade!” came a voice with an English accent from the door.

“Bernard!!” shouted Deke and Tee Bone!  “You made it!”

“Of course I did chaps!” answered the knight clad in armor.

A server blocked Bernard’s path.

“OK, OK enough is enough!  We let the shirtless guy in, and the guy with the trident, but not this character from Game of Thrones!  The dress code here is not a joke!”

“I’m not staying,” assured the knight.  He addressed the Northern Lights.  “My fellows, you must come quickly!  I was followed, and they are almost here now!”

As if like one, the entire table stood.  Tee Bone and Superdekes ripped off their funeral clothes, revealing the uniforms underneath.

“Always come prepared,” winked Tee Bone to the table.  “Deke, get our stuff out of the car!  I’m afraid you’re grounded this time; we didn’t bring the flying bike to Kitchener.  But alert Ripper back at the Palace:  we are engaging the enemy!”

Deke nodded and ran out to get their gear from the car they rented.  Using an earpiece, he contacted Ripper the Squirrel back at Deke’s Palace.  Ripper responded and connected Deke to the Palace’s computers and A.I. for the coming battle.

The other heroes filed outside, following Bernard, who pointed at the sky.

“There!  Do you see it?” cried Bernard.

All the heroes gazed skyward, but Tee Bone saw it first.

“Dear God!” he gasped.  “It’s like Hell Freezes Over Part II!”  Indeed, the beasts before him were not unfamiliar.  The denizens of hell were skybound now, and incoming fast.  Parademons and dragons, in the service of Satan, with eyes blazing fire, and claws of bone.

“What the hell?” asked Deke.  “No pun intended, but Satan has been pretty chill lately.  What’s his beef with us now?”

Tee Bone was now suited up with cape, mask and black stealth guitar.  “If I had to guess, he’s in league with Tyranus, and figured they’d try to knock us all off the board at once when we’re at our weakest.”

“Probably a good guess,” nodded Deke.

Tee Bone smiled.  “Too bad for them, it’s not gonna go that way.”  He then shouted a command to Max the Axe.  “MAX!  Get your guitar!  I need its power and volume to boost my own!  I’m prone to overload!  You know what to do!”

“Copy that!” answered Max.  It so happened, his car was already loaded to the brim with amps and instruments for sale.

Deke handed out earpieces to the whole team.  He had his gadget-filled backpack on him now.  “I’m connected to the Palace computers!  I’ll handle communications, and I’ll coordinate the team!” he announced.  “Mars Man!  You’re with me!  I need your hard-core gaming experience to help keep my eyes on all targets!”  Kevin the Mars Man ran to Deke’s side.

“Tally-ho!” shouted Bernard as he charged into battle!  “Parademons be gone forthwith!”  He managed to stab the first incoming beastie with his longsword, but now the parademon was stuck to it and he couldn’t remove his blade.  “O, fiddle-dee-dee!”

Tee Bone was airborne!  Amplified by Max’s riff, “Overload” from the Overload EP, he was nuclear charged, live-wired like a dynamo.  With one strum of his axe, Tee Bone took three parademons out of the sky in a blink.  He swooped up, to meet a large dragon face to face.

“Hey beautiful!  Say cheese!” taunted Tee Bone Man.  The dragon responded with a roar, but Tee Bone blasted it in the eye with ease.  The beast blinked painful hot shards of music out of his eye, and retreated to higher altitude.  Another squad of three parademons replaced him in Tee Bone’s sights.  He launched another volley of chords at one, smashed another in the head with a mighty righty, and burned the other one’s ears out with harmonics.  Feeding off the music of Max the Axe, Tee Bone Man powered himself further skyward.

On the ground, hell literally had broken loose.

A parademon charged at the King of the Sharks, who responded with a head removal by tooth and fang.  He stabbed another flying creature with his trident.

“What the heck do I do?” shrieked Aaron.  “I’m Mr. Books!  I literally read books as my superpower!”

Deke responded with urgency.  “Stay with Durling and Snowman!  Keep them out of trouble!”

Snowman ran from behind a rock to join Aaron at his side.  “I lost sight of Durling!  I don’t know what happened to him!  EEEEK!”  Snowman was startled as a band of parademons rushed his position.  He embraced Aaron for what might be the last time.  The beasts raced with fangs bare.  The two heroes, facing their last moments alive, could see the saliva drip from the mouths of the monstrosities.

“Fear not mes amis!” came a voice.  “Jex Rambo and the Night Ranger are here!”

A mighty fist cracked a parademon’s exoskull.  Jex Rambo crushed the throat of another with his other fist.

Then, swooping down from a roof above, came a dark bat-like shape:  the Night Ranger!

“I’m like four in the morning, I come without a warning!” proclaimed the Night Ranger, as he took out another hellspawn.  “We’re still free to rock in America so long as the Night Ranger is on the case!”

“Yeah but we’re in Canada, eh?” reminded Jex Rambo.

“Don’t ruin my references,” chided the Night Ranger.  Then he looked up.  “Rumours in the air!  More bogies inbound! So ya wanna play rough tonight?”

Jex Rambo flexed.  “Eh, I need the exercise.” He smiled at his own bicep.  “One love!”

“Guys!!  Sorry to interrupt the gunshow,” said Aaron trying to get their attention.  “Snowman and I are supposed to find Mr. Durling!”

“Durling is safe!” answered the Night Ranger with a flourish.  “We work for the Durling Foundation, and his safety is our responsibility!  That’s the secret to my success!  Now, you two join Deke, he needs your assistance right now!  We’ll cover your escape!”  Then he added, “I also like Journey and that was a Journey reference!”

“Welcome to the night machine, assholes!” announced the Night Ranger as he kicked demon tail.

Jex and the Night Ranger took out hellspawn after hellspawn, one by one, fist by fist, and foot by foot, until Aaron and Snowman were safe with Deke and the Mars Man.  The two were manning laptops, coordinating the battle like generals gathered in their masses.

“Mr. Books and Snowman reporting for duty!” they announced.

Deke was deeply focused on Tee Bone’s aerial battle.  Mars Man answered them.  “Guys!  Grab a tablet, each of you!  Each of these control drones!  We need to take out as many parademons as we can!  You know how to shoot?”

“I do!” screamed the Snowman.  “I’m American!”

“I don’t!” answered Aaron, “unless you mean hockey!”

“It’s all similar in principle!” encouraged Deke with a thumbs-up.  He then returned his focus to the screen in front of him.  He addressed Tee Bone on the radio.

“Tee Bone, I’ve analyzed their pattern and I detect a weakness.  It’s the big dragon.  A really big dragon.   They’re all following its lead.  I think it’s psychically controlling the bad guys, coordinating their battle.  We got the ground situation under control.”  The moment he said this, a smaller dragon came crashing down on top of the restaurant.  Patrons screamed as they ran out of every exit.  A few cars were burning the parking lot.  “We got the ground situation relatively under control,” corrected Deke.

Tee Bone radioed back.  “That thing is tough!  Its scales must be 18 inches thick!  If I’m gonna take it down myself, I need Max to play a bigger riff!  I need the Scales of Justice on my side!”

“Roger that!” confirmed Deke.  He then radioed Max.  “Max the Axe!  It’s time for the Scales of Justice!”

“Copy that!” smiled Max, as he changed songs.

In the sky, Tee Bone created a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.

Occupying a wide area of parking lot, Jex Rambo and Night Ranger were adding up body counts like Gimli and Legolas.

“Fifteen!” challenged Jex.  “That was fifteen!”  A parademon with both wings removed by hand smashed into a nearby car.  “À la prochaine chicane!” exclaimed Jex Rambo.

Night Ranger scoffed.  “You had a head start!”  A crawling beastie received the stomp of his boot.

“No excuses mon ami!” laughed Jex as he nailed another demon.  “Sixteen!”

Rob, King of the Sharks, was maintaining a safe perimeter around a guitar-soloing Max the Axe.  Anything that got too close was fated to feel his jaws, or his trident…or both.   Meanwhile, Kevin, the Snowman and Mr. Books had General Deke covered, with drones a-blasting everything around.  Bernard was still trying to take his blade out of his first victim’s body.

“Oh, farsel-tart!” he proclaimed as he struggled.  “Could I have a hand here please?” he beckoned, to nobody’s response.

Another wave of beasts was nearing Deke’s position, as he communicated instructions to the combatants.  He was aware of the imminent danger.

“Tee Bone!  I spoke too soon.  We do not have this situation under control.  I gotta jump into battle buddy!  You got this?”

“I got this,” responded Tee Bone over the radio.  Deke dropped the laptop.

He then removed two sonic blasters from his belt.

“Party time,” he announced.  One by one, he took down beast after beast, shot by shot, not missing a single blast.  Kevin and Aaron continued to use their drones to protect his position.

“Thanks boys!  Now let’s keep this from going to hell!” he ordered.  “All guns hot!  Fire everything we got!”

“Isn’t that what we’ve been doing?” asked Kevin to Aaron, while Snowman gleefully blasted targets on his screen.

“You’re asking me?” laughed Aaron.  “All I know is that this is nothing like hockey!”

In the sky, Tee Bone had once again caught up with the biggest dragon he’d ever seen in his many adventures.  The beast roared and spat a fireball the size of a bus.  Tee Bone dodged it easily.

“Is that the best you can do?” he taunted, probing for weaknesses.  He surmised, when that thing opened its jaws, he could send a blast right down its throat, into its belly.  As long as he didn’t get fried trying.

The dragon answered with a roar and a swift retreat and a boom.  He darted off in the direction of the low hills of Kitchener.  Tee Bone pursued, guitar in hand.  Suddenly, the scaled leviathan changed direction!  A quick 180 degrees and it was now behind Tee Bone Man.  The thing was quick.  But not as quick as a nuclear Scotch-infused super hero.  Right on its ample tail, Tee Bone swiftly dodged another raging fireball.

“Superdekes, come in!” shouted Tee Bone Man into his radio.  “Come in Superdekes!”

A frantic Superdekes, clearly in the depth of battle, answered breathless.

“I’m a little busy here big guy!” he gasped.  “What’s going on?”

“That thing is headed due west!  Where’s he going?” queried Tee Bone Man.

Rather than answer, Superdekes had his own question.  “And how do you know he’s headed due west?”

“You know why!” answered Tee Bone.

“Could it be that compass that I persuaded you to install in your guitar’s headstock?” chided Deke.

“I ruined the finish doing that…” answered Tee Bone.

Deke laughed.  “There’s a small lake dead ahead, Puslinch Lake.  He’s heading to water!”

“Copy that!”  Tee Bone paused a moment.  “Compass did come in handy, you were right again…”

“I’m always right!  Over and out!  You got this!”  With that, Deke closed the channel and got back to blasting beasties.

Moments later, the dragon dove beneath the otherwise calm surface of the lake.  Boaters scurried back to dock, as Tee Bone Man roared overhead.  With a dive, he was now submerged.  He held his breath in his mighty lungs, unafraid of drowning.

The dragon was pretty easy to spot, just from the currents he created.  They had no effect on Tee Bone Man as he zipped through the water like a flesh torpedo.

“I see you!” he gasped, as he got a grip on the thing’s tail.  The beast panicked, and made for the surface!  Tee Bone followed.  When he emerged from the water he was greeted by a red-hot ball of flame.

“Woah!!” said Tee, dodging it just in time.  It was followed by a second fireball, which Tee Bone deflected with a shred on his guitar, directly back at his enemy!  The fireball had slowed, and was easy for the dragon to avoid…but as the fireball slowed and dropped lower, it lit up a huge ornate lakeside mansion!  The mansion erupted into gulfs of flame immediately.

“That was Justin Bieber’s house!” yelled two boaters, as they high-fived each other.

“Damn!  I have to save Justin Bieber now?!  Deke…you won’t believe this, but…”

The dragon’s plan had worked.  He may have bested Tee Bone Man this time, but as the commander of the forces of evil, he was needed back at the main battlefield.  His gargantuan wings shook the trees below as he made back for that Kitchener parking lot.

The restaurant was surrounded by fury, but the band of mighty heroes fought hard around a small perimeter.  The large dragon spewed a fireball groundward.  It was extinguished by a fire-fighting drone manned by Kevin the Mars Man, but only barely!

“Tee Bone Man!” shouted Deke into his radio.  “We need you back here!  That dragon showed up, and he’s a little hot under the collar if you know what I mean!”

“On my way,” answered the superhero.  “I had to save Justin Bieber.”

“What?!” asked multiple voices on the channel.

But before they could register their surprise, Tee Bone was visible, a streak of yellow and red!  Like a bullet, he rammed the dragon directly in its ribs.  The beast roared at him in anger.

“TEE BONE MAN.   YOU ARE BUT A TRIFLE NO LONGER TO BE TOLERATED.  SO I SWEARETH TO MY MASTER SATAN, WHO SWEARETH TO HIS MASTER TYRANUS.  YOU BURN!”

Tee Bone was taken aback.  That name!  Tyranus!  All their theories confirmed!  But he had to dodge another fireball before he could stop and think!  Then he had an idea.  How smart were dragons, he wondered?  “I wonder if I can prod this one for more information…”  He flew to the snout of the creature, but remained ready to dodge the next inevitable fireball.

“You can speak?” asked Tee Bone.  “An intelligent creature like you, why do you take orders from a pathetic bean like Satan?” He paused a moment for emphasis.  “Or that joke that calls itself Tyranus, for that matter?”

“YOU INSULT ME!” boomed the dragon.  Another ball of fire zoomed close to Tee Bone, singing the tip of his cape.  Ah well.  It was time for a new one anyway.

“I do insult you, actually!  And what do you say of Tyranus?  Is he too much of a coward to show himself, so he sends his lackeys like you instead?” taunted Tee Bone.

“YOU TEMPT FATE, HUMAN!” Another fireball.

“Heard that one before,” answered Tee Bone.  “But I’m not the one serving two masters!  One of which has an unhealthy Madonna obsession!  You must be afraid of them.”

“I FEAR ONLY ONE!” roared the beast as it leveled fire right at Tee Bone.  The soles of his boots were melting as he zipped out of range!

“You’re afraid, dragon!  Afraid of Satan and his boss!”

The creature flapped its mighty wings and roared.  “I DO NOT FEAR THEM!!  I FEAR ONLY THE EATER OF WORLDS!  AND SO WILL YOU!”

Eater of worlds?  The plot thickens!  Information acquired!  Deke will find this part interesting, but this dragon had to dispatched first!

The ground battle had consumed the entire plaza and surrounding neighbourhood.  Our heroes were surrounded on all sides.  They held strong until one fateful moment.  A rocket from one of Snowman’s drone blasts had blown the doors right off a vintage Volkswagen Beetle.  Max the Axe turned and stared at the burning wreck.  His mouth dropped agape, for in the dashboard was an actual 8-track tape deck.

“I can sell that!” shouted Max as he lowered his guard.

“Max!” shouted Rob the King of the Sharks.  “Watch out!  There are too many of them!  You’ll have to take some down too!”

“After I grab that 8-track deck!” Max shouted back in return.

He lowered his guitar.  A particularly nasty beastie saw, and scurried directly at him.

“Max!!” screamed the King of the Sharks.  Max tumbled backwards as Rob impaled the beast with his trident.  A shout of pain escaped from Max’s mouth.

“My leg!  I…I think I broke it!” he cried.

“For a tape deck…are you happy now Max?” asked Rob as he fought off the hellspawn surrounding them.

“No, I still don’t have the deck!!” answered Max, lying prone on the ground.

“Keep playing!” radioed Deke.  “Tee Bone needs all your power!”  Rob grabbed the guitar and handed it to Max, who played on from the pavement.

The dragon opened its mouth for another breath of flame.

“‘Eater of Worlds’, eh.  File that one away for future reference,” said Tee Bone overhead as he battled the mighty beast.  “It’s now or never.  He served up the perfect line for me, anyway.  Hey, dragon!  EAT THIS!”

Guitar blasting, amplified by Max the Axe, Tee Bone Man sent his mightiest power chord straight down the throat, right to the belly of the beast.  Its eyes went wide.  Its nostrils smoked.  It choked.  It gasped.  Its look was pure surprise.  Perhaps Tyranus made a mistake, for today, the dragon burned from the inside, while Tee Bone Man smiled on in victory.

Then, his smile turned to horror as the beast fell.  It was going to crash directly over his friends!  If it hit the ground, the volatile chemicals that made up its dragon flame would combine and explode, leaving a crater the size of a neighbourhood block!

On the ground, the parademons began to retreat as their psychic connection to the mighty dragon faltered.  They screamed in terror as they flew off from whence they came, in ebony black clouds of evil.  The dragon continued to fall.  Deke looked up.   Aaron, Snowman and the Mars Man saw as well.  Max was prone on the ground, screaming in pain at his broken leg.  The friends gathered around him.  Directly over their head, the dead dragon was incoming!

“Where’s Durling?” asked Deke.

“We got him to a safe location!” responded Night Ranger.  The shadow from above grew.

“Get out of here guys!” shooed Max.  “It’s my fault!  I just wanted to sell that tape deck.”

“Huh?!  No…no, we’re not leaving you,” shouted Deke.  Nodding in agreement was Aaron, Mars, Snowman, Night Ranger, Jex Rambo and the King of the Sharks.  “All for one and one for all.”  He shouted into his radio.  “Tee Bone!” alerted Superdekes.  “We need a miracle!”

“I got this!” came a new voice.  It was a mechanized voice on a rarely used channel.

Deke looked down at his control panel.  He paused in shock.  “Can’t be.  Impossible.  Impossible.”

“Who is it?” screamed the Snowman, “Who can save us?”

“This is Brainiac’s channel…” answered Deke.  “But it can’t be…”

“It’s not!” answered the new voice.   “Just look!”

Deke looked and saw a welcome sight.   From around an alley, the Large Ordnance Outlayer Featuring Assisting Human – Brainiac’s old ride, the LOOFAH, was inbound!  In mere moments, it was standing behind the group of heroes.  The huge mechanical monstrosity steadied itself and prepared to shield the friends from the beast.  “All of you!” it announced.  “Get under!  Now!”

“Come on, Max mon ami!” shouted Jex Rambo as he aided the Axe to stand and get covered.  The heroes all huddled to be sheltered the LOOFAH.   When the dragon finally hit seconds later, the heavy steel just barely managed to hold itself together.  Everyone, even Bernard the Knight, was safe!

“Reliable vintage tech!” proclaimed the Night Ranger, patting the mech on the leg.

“Who’s piloting that thing?” asked Tee Bone as he came to a landing.

“That’s what I’d like to know!” answered Deke.

Shoving the dragon carcass off its back, the LOOFAH disengaged its pilot.

“Who did you expect, Tim Horton himself?” said the blonde girl as she poked her head out.

“Jen?” answered a chorus of voices.  Of course!  It had to be Mrs. Brainiac!

“Someone had to save your butts!” responded the girl.  “Is there room on your team for one more?”

Tee Bone Man smiled and helped her out of the machine.  “Of course.  Always room for one more.  Welcome, Mrs. Brainiac, to the Northern Lights.”  Jen embraced the team as they celebrated their first victory in months.

Then, Tee Bone turned to Deke.

“I have news.  A name.  Or title.  The one that Tyranus answers to.  The Eater of Worlds…”

Not the end…

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

 

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM