When customers order discs, as a rule of thumb, it was always a good idea to, at minimum, get the name of the person you are ordering for. So, imagine the scenario about to unfold….
Perfectly normal looking middle aged guy, dressed in a suit and tie, walks in and wants some Stevie Ray Vaughan. I say, OK, I can get you such-and-such an album for ‘x’ amount of dollars and I can get it here before the weekend. Are you interested? Can I get your name?
“Yeah, can you hold it for S.F.G?”
S.F.G.? That’s who you want us to ask for on the phone?
“Yeah. Short Fat Guy. S.F.G. See ya.”
I swear to God because you can’t make this shit up, he always gave that as his name. I had to call him once. “Hi, is this S.F.G.?”
I’ll tell you something, it was a game we all played with each other, when we had to call customers for their orders. But nobody ever wanted to call the ones with the weird names. S.F.G. Koolio. Yeah, one guy was in the system as “Koolio”.
So we’d always leave the weird named ones for whoever was working next. If I was working in the day, I would put a note on it saying, “Call during evening.” If I was working the night, I would write a note saying, “Number busy, try during day.”
Check out the cool video below for some SFG…err…I mean SRV!
Shortly after we kicked off our website, we ran into a brand new breed of customer. This breed was probably accidentally created in a lab when scientists cross the “annoying customer” with the “computer” and tossed in some DNA from “the internet”.
These guys bought the same titles, over and over and over again. Then they would re-sell them on eBay and double their money. The problem is these guys would get up early in the morning, check the website updates, and snag them before sane people wake up.
Some of the titles they were always hunting for:
Alanis Morissette – Alanis
Alanis Morissette – Now is the Time
These were Alanis’ first two dance-pop discs that have never been reissued. For obvious reasons.
Another:
Last of the Mohicans – Original Motion Picture Soundtrack
This classic score was out of print for a long time. That, and it’s dramatic quality, made it a classic for eBaying.
The Traveling Wilburys – Vol 1
The Traveling Wilburys – Vol 3
Before these two albums were reissued recently with bonus material, they were completely unavailable. People were willing to pay up to and over $50 for the first one on eBay.
There were pretty strict company rules about staff buying product for resale on eBay for their own personal profit. You can see why this would be so, the store is not there to supply an employee’s personal eBay business.
However before that rule kicked in, and eBay was new to the world, a few of us tried selling some stuff as an experiment. I remember getting good good money for the following, which I sold multiple times:
Freddie Mercury – Mr. Bad Guy
The Tea Party – Release (EP)
Now it’s almost impossible to imagine a time when you couldn’t get (almost) anything on eBay, if you can afford it. Yet there are still some things I’m hunting for, and I have not found yet on eBay. If you have either of these, drop me a line!
The Cult – Capsule 2
The Sultans of Ping F.C. – Casual Sex in the Cineplex
In 2008, the year we got married, Jen was diagnosed with epilepsy. Some people with epilepsy never have a seizure, once diagnosed and medicated. Unfortunately for us, Jen is not one of those people.
It’s been a long hard struggle, but we have made it through so far with humour and a positive attitude. One part of having a positive attitude came from my research on the illness. While researching epilepsy online, I discovered that numerous rock stars have it, but still function! Knowing this was a huge boost to our attitudes, because being on stage involves lots of lights, and lights can be a trigger for many people with epilepsy.
I constructed a 4 O’Clock 4-Play for Craig at 107.5 Dave FM, involving this theme. My goal was simply to raise awareness. I told Craig, “If just one person hears this and learns something about epilepsy then my work is done, because so many people have no idea what it is.” Judging by the feedback I got, it did succeed in getting people thinking!
1. Prince. The royal single-monikered one was born epileptic and suffered a lot of taunting at school. He’s obviously come a long way since! I submitted “Let’s Go Crazy” in my 4-play but Craig subbed in a collaboration with Stevie Nicks which was fine by me!
2. LindsayBuckingham. He was born with a mild form of the disease, but still manages to tour with Fleetwood Mac. Good on him! I chose “Go Your Own Way”.
3. AdamHorovitz. This Beastie Boy is sensitive to flashing lights, which I am sure they use in their stage show. It certainly didn’t seem to hold him back from massive success. For this 4-play I chose “Sabotage”.
4. NeilYoung. He was medicated for epilepsy as a child, but didn’t like the side effects of the meds, which can go all over the spectrum depending on you and your meds. Neil chose to make lifestyle changes instead, and has lived without medication since! And, obviously, rocked the world. Good on you Neil. I used “Rockin’ in the Free World”.
Epilepsy scares a lot of people when they see a seizure happen. Don’t be scared, but if you want to learn more, check out some of these links.
The two most common requests here at LeBrain’s blog are the following:
1. We love the classic quotes!
2. You ramble on too much!
So, for your long weekend pleasure, a single Klassic Quote for you.
Remember way back in Klassic Kwotes II I mentioned a girl who shit her pants in the store? Funnier still was the reaction from one of my regular customers that day. Peter the Rocker. Ahh, Peter, what ever happened to you? Peter the Rocker was from Austria. When the girl shit her pants in the store, the first thing heard in the store, very loudly, was from Peter the Rocker. Picture this in thick Austrian accent.
“Hey man! I think somebody shit their fucking pants in your fucking store, man!”
Also funny was when Peter the Rocker once declared to us, in Austrian accent:
I am no longer Peter the Rocker! Now I am Peter Hard Core!
We had one regular at the store, Barefoot DJ. He used to come in and say, “Do you have that song, Mistadobalina? Mr. Bob Dobalina?” With no shoes. Every time. He said he had a foot disease that made his feet feel like they’re on fire. Therefore, he could’t wear shoes. So I said, wear flip flops. I had to kick him out so many damn times! He said he filed a report with human rights, all that stuff. It was an insurance thing. If the guy cut his foot on a broken CD case shard, we get sued.
The problem is, there were some discs that were just hard to find and Del tha Funkee Homosapien wasn’t exactly a regular, like, say, Hole (bargain bin perennial, that one!). So he’d come in, ask for the song, do his little rendition (no shoes this whole time) and then tell us we sucked because we didn’t have it. Then he’d be back two weeks later asking for the same damn song. This, and “Pink” by Aerosmith, were the two that the Barefoot DJ was constantly looking for.
But…he wanted “Pink” on a greatest hits album! Even though it was their new single at the time, from their brand new album, he wanted it on a hits album. Wouldn’t buy it otherwise. I told him he was just going to have to wait. There was no pleasing this man, even when he did wear shoes!
CODA: A question raised by Craig Fee, of 107.5 Dave FM: “Who the fuck wants that stupid song by Aerosmith?”
Part 41 already? Holy crap! Thanks for tagging along, enjoy the classic quotes!
1. When you opened up in the morning, you’d show up early, unlock, and disarm the alarm system. On a regular basis, I would turn around to find someone had followed me in. “Are you open?” Yeah, because everyone opens up at 9:15, jackass.
2. “Are you guys open tomorrow?” Sure, not an odd question, right? Well, it is when it’s December the fucking 24th! We’re a record store, not Tim Horton’s!
3. “Do you have any Walter Ostenek?” Said to me by…Walter Ostenek.
4. “Hey, I know you! You’re the one that won those Juno awards!” Said by me, to Walter Ostenek. His deadpan response? “They were Grammies”.
5. “I can’t wear shoes, I have a foot disease.” EEWWW? Said to me by a DJ who ignoreded our annual summertime “No Shirt, No Shoes, No CDs!” sign.
6. “Because highschool is free, and Jerry Springer does not work here, please wear a shirt in the store.” A sign that Trevor made!
7. “Who would win in a fight? Darth Vader, or Anakin Skywalker?” A very difficult question, posed by one of my regular customer’s kids. The kid quizzed me on Star Wars every time he was in the store. It was awesome.
8. “Where do you keep the GOOD music?” Another puzzling question, but this time by someone who was old enough to know better.
9. ” My name’s Winston.” Said to me by a guy who’s driver’s licence clearly said “Eggbert”.
DISCLAIMER – Do not read on, if you are weak of stomach.
10. “Sometimes, I shit in the shower. It’s easy. You just shit in your hand, drop the poo in the toilet bowl, and since you’re in the shower already you just wash your hands.” –– Joe Big Nose. True story.
All record stores have their fare share of record store bands. The names are fading into obscurity, but there are two that I still remember because I still listen to the CD’s more than a decade later.
It doesn’t matter if a band ever makes it big, or if you’re the only fan. If the music moves you enough to still listen to it over a decade later, then that is all that matters. Two bands that I still listen to over a decade later are Here Comes Jim and The Candidates.
Both Here Comes Jim and The Candidares were bands fromCambridge, Ontario Canada. They were “our” bands – made up of record store guys, our friends, and talented ones at that. They didn’t sound anything alike, but in my opinion, both had the potential to get signed.
THE CANDIDATES
This four-piece was a rock band influenced by The Who, The Jam, and the mod scene in general. They started out with all four members wearing suits and ties on stage but this later evolved into a looser image. Their stage presence was such that they could have played a hockey barn, as they acted as if there was a thousand people in the audience even if there were only a handful. Their tunes were solid, well composed, and well played. They boasted three lead vocalists, including this guy Neil M, who came all the way from Scotland to rock the tri-cities.
Their tunes were full of attitude. For example, “Who’s Your Daddy Now” was a song written for Trevor, about this girl that ended up using him for a ride to her home town (Ottawa) and then breaking it off. She was obsessed with pictures of herself:
Sold your soul for a photograph,
I tore it up and had the last laugh,
Who’s your daddy now?
He ain’t got nothin’ on me!
The Candidates eventually split and morphed into other bands. For me personally, nothing was better than the original four-piece, the band that I went to see as often as possible. They hit me right in the nuts and I think their debut album had all the right moves in all the right places. They made an equally good second album, but it’s the debut that was special to me personally.
HERE COMES JIM
Another four-piece, this was a more experimental band. The lead singer was this extremely talented guy named Matty G. I believe that he was actually a trained singer, which would help explain why he was able to sing so many different styles (often within one song). I used to compare him to a Mike Patton, a comparison that he was flattered by. Yet I think the comparison was accurate. The difference is that Matt used to sing and play lead guitar too.
They had quite a few good tunes. My favourites were “She Is”, a melodic winner with a chorus that kills, and “Negator”. “Negator” was just a pissed-off, scream-loaded, headache inducing pile of distorted guitars and vocals. I would compare it to Faith No More tunes such as “Surprise! You’re Dead!” for sheer power and aggression. Either song could have been a hit, in a just world.
Neil, Matt, and the rest of the gang that I’ve lost touch with are still some of the most talented musicians that the tri-cities have produced. I’m glad I saw these bands back in the day, bands that are now forgotten in the dusts of time. However, if you’re ever in the area, wandering through the pawn shops and music stores, and you run into a copy of either album, pick it up. It’ll be a better listen than whatever Nickelcrap that MTV is pushing these days.
My first Mother’s Day at the store was unique. We never tried this stunt again, because it was a bit of a waste. It was spring 1995. The boss had brought in a bucket of roses. He said, “I want you to hand these out to every lady that looks like a mother, that comes in today.” OK, all well and good. A little on the weird/awkward/unique side, but OK. I didn’t want to do it but I didn’t have much choice. You had to kind of guess who was a mother and who wasn’t. Not fun! “Do I look that old to you?” was a common response.
I guess the problem is that most mothers didn’t really go out to buy CD’s on Mother’s Day. A lot of them headed out for morning brunch with the families, or spent the day with the families. Then you’d have the occasional crackhead mother that I would skip, because they’d probably just try to smoke the flowers. On Mother’s Day, it was pretty much just dudes. They were in there to buy the latest Jann Arden, Celine Dion, or Shania Twain for mom. As my bucket of flowers sat there, I figured I’d throw in a free one to any non-jerky dudes that were buying gifts for mom, too. I got rid of a couple more roses that way.
Finally towards the end of the day, the bucket of roses still half full, I had a visit. It was from a girl I liked named Holly. Holly was a big Depeche Mode fan, and I had some CD singles in stock. She picked a couple out and I decided, “What the hell? Worth a try.”
“These are for you, Holly.”
I handed her the rest of the roses. She was thrilled. I didn’t get a date out of it, but at least the flowers didn’t go to a crackhead!
Oh! And I did bring one home for my mom.
We never did the flowers thing again. Happy Mother’s Day!
As I said before in chapter 14, record store guys have the best parties, ever. In the beginning when things were less corporate, we also had the best staff parties. There were kegs, which automatically meant keg stands. We were outdoors. There was music. There were burgers and dogs and even vegetarian options. One year, a bunch of guys (including our buddy Dave “Homer”), pulled up in a pickup truck with a couch in the back! Fucking perfect! We would go all night, no complaints from the neighbors. This was long before Spoogecakes. This was summer, 1999.
In my humble opinion, the epicenter of these parties was always Tom. He brought the best tunes. He said the most random things (“Frosted Lucky Charms, they’re magically delicious!”) at the most random times. Tom brought the fucking party.
TOM
The triumvirate of Tom, Trev and myself were usually ready to rock out to something a little on the heavier side. Tom brought the Fu Manchu, which was my first exposure to the band. From The Action is Go, he played “Saturn III” on repeat.
Spaceman destroy
Mega asteroid
Certain time and place
Floatin’ up in space
Tom brought the tunes, and Tom brought the chicken wings. Tom used to pull this stunt where he’d eat several wings, bones and all. (Then, he used to put the rest of the bones in a jar and say he would use it to make soup?) Well, it didn’t turn out so well for Tom this time.
Trev was working with this one kid from Egypt who didn’t last long. Boutros was his name. Well, Boutros used to boast that he could eat “anything” no matter how hot. Trevor used to laugh at this, having tasted the terrible delights of the habanero pepper himself. Boutros, despite his boasts, had never heard of this pepper. He had no idea what he was getting himself into with his boasting.
Trevor made a special trip to get one pepper, just for this party. It was a mean looking little thing, like a tiny tomato. He presented it to Smelly. Smelly laughed.
“That little thing? That’s what I’m supposed to be so afraid of? That little thing?”
Boutros was about to insert the whole thing in mouth.
Trevor responded with a chuckle, “Be careful! Don’t have a bite. Just cut off a small slice.”
“Yeah whatever!” he said as a slice was prepared for him.
He ate it. He laughed. He laughed some more.
Then, his eyes grew wide. His mouth squeezed shut as he began crying. He assumed the fetal position. I didn’t see him again for the rest of the night. He never boasted about being able to eat “anything” again.
Enter, Tom. Tom was already well lubricated from generous amounts of cold, frothy beer. He had also already performed his standard party trick: the eating of the chicken bones, much to the delight of us. So, when a very inebriated Tom grabbed what was left of that pepper and bit, we all shouted “NO” at once! After all, chicken bones and habanero cannot feel good coming out the other end!
As far as I know, Tom spent much of the rest of the evening drinking milk in the washroom. I do not know what the next day was like for him. I have never asked. I don’t want to know.
I’m not in a record store anymore, but in so many respects, absolutely nothing has changed.
I went out to get a sub at lunch. When coming back, I stopped at my office to check my email before heading to the lunch room. I found the guilty party taping my mouse down to the desk using heavy duty yellow labels. Here is the photographic evidence.
And here is the guilty party attempting to escape.
Ahh well, it’s his birthday today. I can’t be too mad.
mikeladano.com 