Now here’s a local success story in the making! Four guys with nine songs headed south to record their debut album in Texas with producer Sterling Winfield, whose name you might recognize. He has Pantera, Damageplan, and Hellyeah albums on his resume, so it seems obvious that A Rebel Few were going for a heavy sound. What they ended up with is one of the best sounding indi heavy rock albums you’ll likely get to hear.
There are Pantera influences, and you can hear some Zakk Wylde too. What sets these guys apart is singer Raposo (just Raposo). He’s more than just another melodic growler. The world is full of those. We have enough. Raposo has depth and control, as well as expression. He can do a smooth voice, not just the growls. He’s world class. He fits the band, who combine shredding with riffs, groove, heavy bass and drums.
All the songs are good, but there are some that really stand out. “A Rebel Few” hits the highway with anti-matter propulsion, so furious it is. Many of the riffs on this album sound Sabbathy in origin, and “Born Again” is one such moment. “Empires Fall” is radio-ready riff rock. There is some seriously good shit on this album, and it’s all crunchy and heavy on the low end. What it lacks in originality, is made up for by the vocals. Listen carefully; you will hear a serious amount of vocal quality that you don’t get out of the general rock herd. When Raposo really gives’er, he almost sounds like a young John Bush.
This album will give you a burst of energy like one of those awful caffeine drinks…but good for you! If you are not air-drumming or air-bassing or air-guitaring along, then you are not doing it right. This review is taking longer than average to write, because you can’t type while you’re furiously air-drumming along with Chris Spiers. As for the air-guitar part, I find lead shredder Barry Marton on his way to developing into a monster. He can play it bluesy, he can play it slick. The raw material is there and you can hear glimmers of depth between the blurs of notes.
The big surprise is saved for last, and it’s a doozy. “Pure Revolution” would be a good title for a speedy rock number, but it’s just the opposite. Touches of piano and light guitar introduce the only power ballad on the album, and it’s a good’er. Maybe calling it a power ballad isn’t right, but it has ballady moments, and also powerful riffs, so why not? There are heavy Dio guitar chugs, but also those quiet spaces where the vocals really get to come out. Either way, it’s a kick-ass song.
Get this CD. Use your fingers, Google the band “A Rebel Few”, and do what you gotta do to get this music in your ears today.
BRIAN BYRNE – Tuesdays, Thursdays, and if it Rains… (2006 Kindling Music)
Strangely, I first heard Brian Byrne’s solo single debut, “Far From Good”, on a local lite-rock radio station that I usually try to avoid. The song caught my ear for its upbeat, country-rock sound, with bouncy violin and piano on top. A neat mix. When they said it was by Brian Byrne, I stopped myself. Couldn’t be the I Mother Earth singer getting played on a lite-rock station, could it? But it was. I promptly ordered the CD from the Record Store at which I formerly worked. The disc arrived in a few days, great condition, except for the promo-cut jewel case. They normally should have replaced the case before the CD shipped, but somebody missed it. I didn’t want to ask for a new case, because I just left the place six months before and I didn’t want to become “that” customer!
But enough about me, what about Byrne? Here he worked with near-legendary Canadian producer Tim Thorney, as well as former Killer Dwarfs guitarist Gerry Finn. (Byrne and Finn both hail from Newfoundland.) I Mother Earth were deactivated, and Byrne honed Tuesdays, Thursdays and if it Rains… into a pleasing acoustic rock album, very “singer-songwriter” in sound.
“Far From Good” is the highlight, being the most immediate and lively. The album is diverse. The opening track “Days Go On” has elements of country, funk, classic rock and soul. The juicy organ parts really suck you in. “Jen’s Song” is one of many ballads, this one reminding me of 80’s Phil Collins for some reason. Byrne gets to let his voice speak more than he does in the louder I Mother Earth. Then there’s a big chorus on “Sweet Love”, a better light country rock tune than Bon Jovi’s ever written. This is like country-Jovi, but with integrity and feelings, and not a lot of flash. “Nova Dashboard” is a lovely, bluesy country ballad along the lines of Blue Rodeo’s dusky favourites. The guitars (by Thorney) get right under your skin.
I could go on and on, but all the songs have a quiet, smouldering power to them. The light and shade of the album sounds quintessentially Canadian to me, and the calibre of the musicianship is above reproach. Expect an album of diverse music crossing several genres, but do not expect I Mother Earth. Byrne almost went as far in another direction as you could imagine. And that is really cool, because he does it so well.
BRANT BJORK – Punk Rock Guilt (2008 Dine Alone Records)
Brant Bjork is one prolific mo-fo. Whether it’s solo or with bands such as the Bros, the Operators, or Ché, Bjork always maintains a high level of quality. Punk Rock Guilt is undoubtedly a solo album. All music was written and performed entirely by Bjork. He’s a talented multi-instrumentalist with a wide variety of influences from all over the music spectrum. When they collide in the grooves of the wax, it’s audio ecstasy.
What’s surprising is that an album called Punk Rock Guilt is loaded with both short songs and long bombers. Maybe that’s the guilt part? Sitar commences the album on an Indian note with “Lion One”, the first of the lengthy tracks. At over 10 minutes, the challenge is to keep things interesting, and Bjork does. When the song settles into a slow bass-heavy groove, I’m immediately reminded of his first excellent solo album Jalamanta. The vocals don’t even kick in until the 3:00 mark, and then with a semi-spoken Lou Reed direction. As a long song of this nature should, it picks up speed come solo time. “Lion One” is outstanding rock as it rises and falls in waves.
The next is the shortest song, “Dr. Special”, and already much rock ground has been covered. “Dr. Special” has a funky 70’s porn soundtrack vibe but heavy and sparse. (This sounds like it’s a lot of fun to play.) Over to “Punk Rock Guilt”, which is surprisingly classic rock. The melodic riffs and catchy vocals give it something in common with Boston, but without leaving the Bjork sound behind.
“This Place (Just Ain’t Our Place)” returns to the Bjork groove, laid back, heavy and probably stoned. There is no lyric sheet included but I’m pretty sure Bjork has returned to one of my favourite lyrical subjects: UFOs! The guitar solo has a spacey sound. On vinyl (a double record set for its total 46 minute length), this closes LP 1. The second record commences with a riff and “Shocked by the Static”. Even though the copy here is a CD, you can hear this is a natural spot for a side break. Lacking any major hooks, the way to enjoy “Shocked by the Static” is to focus on the groove and just air drum along.
The surprise of the album is “Born to Rock”, starting light and airy like some U2 outtake. Clean guitars and Lynott-like vocals do the trick: this is a killer. Contrasting this is “Plant Your Seed” which has Sabbathy guitar tones and a singular groove. Finally it’s another 10 minute tune, “Locked and Loaded”, to finish the album. “It’s a hijack groove, electric boogaloo, and bloodshot eyes are watching you.” Not sure what that means, but the groove is ZZ Top’s from “I Thank You”. Cool vibe on which to end a cool album.
Sometimes-contributor Thussy and I came up with a list of our Top Five Favourite Road Trip Movie Singalongs! The five songs below are forever associated with these films in my mind. Like any other list, I’m sure you’ll have plenty that we forgot. These are some of our favourites. What are yours?
#5:Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle – “Hold On”
Once our heroes Harold and Kumar finally best the Extreme Sports Assholes, they not only steal their ride but also their “Extreme Mix Vol. 5” tape! Kumar and Roldie then enjoy a hearty singalong to Wilson Phillips’ “Hold On”. So extreme!
#4: Dumb & Dumber– “Mockingbird”
“Radio? Haha! Who needs a radio! Ready Harry?”
#3: Planes, Trains and Automobiles – “Three Coins in the Fountain”, “Meet the Flintstones”
Double whammy with this classic movie! Steve Martin attempts to get a bus full of people to sing the 1954 theme song from the romance film Three Coins in the Fountain, with no success. Much to his chagrin, John Candy’s irritating (though lovable) character Del Griffith got plenty of response to his “Meet the Flintstones”.
#2: The Hangover– “Three Best Friends Song”
The Hangover featured two great original songs: “Doug” performed on piano by Ed Helms, and “Three Best Friends” sung by Zach Galifianakis. “Three Best Friends” gets the nod, because the other took place in a hotel room. Come on, sing along folks…
#1: Wayne’s World– “Bohemian Rhapsody”
Technically not a road movie, but they did make a trip from Aurora to Milwaukee in the film. This iconic scene had to be #1. There really were no other competitors. We’re not worthy!
MOTLEY CRUE – 20th Century Masters – The Millennium Collection (2003 Universal)
As a change of pace, this review focuses not on what is on the album, but what was left off. This 20th Century Masters is more than a little shoddy, as this series can often be. So let’s talk about what it is not.
Too Fast For Love
“Piece of Your Action” is a great little ditty from the debut record Too Fast For Love. What you’re missing though: the speedy single “Live Wire”! It makes little sense to have this one without “Live Wire”.
“Shout at the Devil” and “Too Young to Fall in Love”: Great choices. Both are classic 80’s metal. What you’re missing is hit single “Looks that Kill”. But as Meat Loaf says, two out of three ain’t bad.
“Home Sweet Home” is Motley’s biggest hit ballad ever, but where is the Brownsville Station cover “Smokin’ in the Boys Room”? Can you believe it’s not on here? And it’s not because it’s a cover, because, well, we’ll get there.
Girls, Girls, Girls
The title track makes good sense to include, but why is “All in the Name Of…” on here instead of “Wild Side”? Also missing, but understandably so, is the ballad “You’re All I Need” which never made much impact. “Wild Side” though remained a concert staple to the end, so that’s one you’ll need to find elsewhere.
Dr. Feelgood
There were five singles on this album, and of course you can’t include them all on a 20th Century Masters CD. What you do need are the title track and lead single “Dr. Feelgood”, and obviously “Kickstart My Heart”. “Kickstart” was an explosive statement by the band, proving they were as mighty as ever without the drugs. Those two songs embodied the album, but there’s no “Feelgood” here. Inexplicable! Certainly one of the biggest oversights on this disc.
Great song! Not on this CD!
Decade of Decadence
For reasons that are unexplained and perhaps best left that way, instead of including any of the above better known songs, 20th Century Masters has the far less famed “Rock ‘N’ Roll Junkie”, and Sex Pistols cover “Anarchy in the UK”. “Junkie” is a Feelgood outtake, original released on The Adventures of Ford Fairlane soundtrack in 1990. “Anarchy” was recorded for Motley’s first greatest hits, Decade of Decadence. Neither song is essential, and both are on Decade. Why are they here? “Primal Scream”, which was a powerful single, is a must have. But it’s not here. Yet another song you’d still have to get elsewhere, because it’s awesome and important.
No complaints here. “Hooligan’s Holiday” is included from 1994’s self-titled album with John Corabi on vocals. Nice to see this single represented instead of ignored.
At this point, for a compilation like 20th Century Masters, I don’t think you need to explore the 90’s. But, from 1997’s dreadful Generation Swine comes the title track. Not the minor hit single “Afraid” mind you, but the title track which did nothing and went nowhere. Baffling!
Ending the album with “Hell on High Heels” brought the compilation up to date for its 2003 release date. Unfortunately, there was nothing on New Tattoo worth bringing to the table. Tommy Lee had left and there was a serious dip in quality, even after Generation Swine. Although it was the only Motley album featuring late drummer Randy Castillo, New Tattoo is simply a turd with no songs that are up to snuff. Crappy way to close a pretty crap compilation, though. Motley Crue’s instalment of 20th Century Masters sounds as if it’s a single disc from a double CD compilation, and the other CD’s been lost. Sorry Motley, this CD gets the dreaded Flaming Turd.
There is no doubt that a decade and a half of war has dramatically changed the United States. In 2009, Queensryche decided to deal with their feelings by writing a concept album on the subject. It’s something that they do very well, and American Soldier, the finished product, was another ambitious piece of work. Although the album was mostly written by Geoff Tate and his friends Jason Slater and Kelly Gray, in reality it’s the last good album the band made with Tate.
The band interviewed soldiers for this album, and their words are a huge part of the record. The track “Unafraid” opens like this, creating a hauntingly serious atmosphere. At times, the music is toned down, allowing the dialogue to speak. It’s an interesting effect and certainly it works in creating the mood that the band were going for. I think it is also a token of appreciation to the soldiers who defended the country. They had a chance to speak their minds, and be immortalized in music. That’s pretty cool.
The end result is a good album that is not necessarily easy to listen to. There is no “fun” in this music, it is dead serious the whole way through. The intensity burns and you can hear that Tate was focused like a laser on this project. The songs are fine; not Mindcrime quality but I don’t think that anthemic progressive rock would have fit American Soldier. The single misstep is the vocal by Tate’s daughter Emily on “Home Again”. What was meant to be a dramatic, emotional focal point is instead distracting.
Among the best tracks are “Sliver”, a cool opener featuring an actual soldier (A.J. Fratto, a 14 year vet) barking orders with the music. Fratto ended up touring with the band in support of this album. Well done, sir! “Hundred Mile Stare” is slow and intense. The hundred mile stare in the song is a variation of the thousand yard stare — a distant look in the eyes a soldier gets after they’ve been in the field too long. “A Dead Man’s Words” is another complex highlight, middle-eastern in style and clearly about conflict in that region. This one is perhaps the most “Queensryche” of the songs, in the sense that you can hear their classic sound at play. This includes a Tate sax solo, something I wished he did more of with the band. Then, for choruses, I have to go with “The Killer”. For sheer intensity, it’s the soldier’s story on “If I Were King”. If you want heavy ‘Ryche, then “Man Down!” is the track for you.
One disappointing factor in American Soldier only hits you when you open the booklet. Great artwork aside, it’s really too bad that Tate relied so heavily on his buddies to make this album rather than his band. Drummer Scott Rockenfield has two co-writes, and that’s it. Damon Johnson from Brother Cane has just as many co-writes. The rest of the credits are variations of Tate, and producers Jason Slater and Kelly Gray. Queensryche were down to four members at this point, so Johnson and Gray subbed on guitars.
Although Promised Land was probably the most deeply personal Queensryche album, American Soldier is likely the runner up. At least for Tate and his collaborators, there is obviously a lot of their hearts and souls invested in this. Unsurprisingly, it is not an immediate album. It requires time, but it also requires space between listens. There’s no glory here, just stark reality, so take your time.
QUEENSRYCHE – Operation: Mindcrime II (2006 Rhino)
10 years ago, when this project finally saw the light of day, a lot of fans were expecting it to be 1988 all over again. However, there were many reasons why they shouldn’t have.
1. Longtime guitarist/songwriter Chris DeGarmo, such an integral part of the original Mindcrime, had been out of the band for quite some time. 2. Geoff Tate’s voice didn’t have that high-note power it once had. 3. The band never intended to pretend it was still 1988. This album is a continuation, 18 years later, and as such the music has changed somewhat as well. The albums are meant to complement each other, not duplicate each other.
The story picks up with Nikki, the anti-hero from the original Mindcrime, finally being released from prison, 18 years after the events of the first album. He begins to piece together his memories of what happened. He decides to pay Dr. X a visit (“X marks the spot”, goes the lyric), who is deliciously played by the late Ronnie James Dio. For die-hard Dio followers, this was a real treat. Dio sings as if in a stage production, which I’ve never heard him do before. Pamela Moore reprises her role of Sister Mary, playing a larger role and appearing on more songs. She’s a great complement to Geoff Tate, who clearly revels in the chance to do something dramatic like this.
New second guitar player Mike Stone (ex-Criss) gels very nicely with Michael Wilton, playing dual guitar leads that Queensryche of old would have been proud of. At the same time, modern technology has creeped into the production in the form of sequencers and samples, to remind us that this was 2006. Still, Eddie Jackson’s bass had never been recorded this well before; he should be very proud of his rumble. Scott Rockenfield’s back to playing some serious metallic drumming as well, leaving behind some of his tribal influences for the moment.
So, the actual sound of Mindcrime II is amazing. The songs however are not up to the very high standards that Mindcrime I set. There is no “I Don’t Believe In Love” or “Eyes Of A Stranger”, although some songs like “The Hands” come pretty close, with an amazing metallic riff and great chorus. (Did anyone else notice a few bars of music from “I Don’t Believe In Love” within “The Hands”? Listen again.) “I’m American” is lyrically fantastic, and angrier than anything Queensryche has done since Q2K. “Chase” is the one featuring Dio, and the one I keep coming back to.
The thing about Queensryche albums is, they do tend to get better with time. Maybe they were always slightly ahead of the curve, or more likely they just take a few listens to absorb. It’s been a decade now, and few of the Mindcrime II songs remain lodged in the my brain. Meanwhile, I could hum any song from the first one. In particular, the second side of Mindcrime II really takes a drop. Tracks like “Fear City Slide” do not have the impact of “I Don’t Believe in Love”, and the closer “All the Promises” fails to deliver. It’s a concept album after all, and the last song is like the last scene in a movie. It should be memorable.
Will Mindcrime II ever become classic like the original? Doubtful. As soon as you name something with a “II” behind it, you’re painting yourself into a corner, but Queensryche have done about as good a job as the fans could have expected. It seems many fans have warmed up to it over the years, though it certainly cannot be considered equal with the original.
Things have changed a lot since the last time I saw Blue Rodeo in the mid-2000’s. They have added a few more albums to the oeuvre, and a few more members to the band. The expansion of Blue Rodeo to a seven-piece band has made their live sound smoother, the rough edges sanded off. Due to Greg Keelor’s hearing loss, the singer and author of some of the most gonzo country-rock guitar solos north of the 47th was forced to unplug, and focus on the acoustic guitar instead. Colin Cripps (Crash Vegas), who had filled in before, was drafted full time to fill the guitar sound. With Kitchener resident Bob Egan on slide and various other stringed instruments, there are now four guitar players in Blue Rodeo. The newest member is Michael Boguski on various keyed instruments.
According to the band, one of the solutions to Greg’s hearing issues was changing over to in-ear monitors. There was a rough shake down period to get used to this setup, timid performances during which the band says they failed to take chances live. For Blue Rodeo to issue a new live album, one must assume these issues have been ironed out. Live at Massey Hall is the band’s first live album since 2008’s Blue Road. It is also their shortest live album with only one disc inside (Blue Road was more of a video album, with unique CD and DVD content).
Supporting the studio album In Our Nature, the Massey Hall album has a little bit of newer material, but is dominated by past hits. Most of the new songs are clumped together in the middle of the CD: “New Morning Sun”, “Tara’s Blues”, “Tell Me Again” and “When the Truth Comes Out”. There is no drop of quality during this four-song clump, in fact “New Morning Sun” almost sounds as if lifted from Blue Rodeo’s late-80’s heyday. The last of the new songs, “Paradise”, is left closer to the end, before the rousing finale of “5 Days in May” and “Lost Together”.
Plenty of hits abound, with only “Try” obviously absent. There are also a couple of surprise tracks: the rarely played “Girl of Mine” from Diamond Mine, and “Disappear” from Tremolo. The 8:04 “Disappear” is the album highlight, recalling the mighty feats of Blue Rodeo onstage in the 1990’s. It rivals “Diamond Mine” for drama and instrumental gold, but has a beautiful melancholy power.
Old man time may have taken his toll on Greg’s hearing. Jim’s voice might be a little lower and huskier than it used to be. This band, surely one of the best live acts Canada has produced, survives on. The studio albums may no longer hit the charts like they used to, but Blue Rodeo have always seemed truly at home on the stage. With the addition of Cripps (helping out on backing vocals as well as guitar), the band are still able to do the big bold rock songs like “Lost Together” and “Diamond Mine” at full strength.
There was once a time when the music press questioned if Blue Rodeo could remain a vital force without original member Bobby Wiseman on keyboards. That was 1992. Not only have they remained just as challenging as ever, but they have continued to evolve and grow. Now it feels as if things have come full circle, back to that point in the mid-90’s when we realized the sky was the only limit for this band. We look forward to whatever Blue Rodeo produce next.
On paper, it was genius. Teaming up the legendary drummer Carmine Appice with anyone will turn heads, but John Sykes, the ex-Thin Lizzy and Whitesnake guitar genius? Sign us up. Add in ex-Black Sabbath singer Ray Gillen, and the Firm’s Tony Franklin on bass, and that right there is an interesting combo. Two words were buzzing around the camp, and they were “blues” and “jams”. When the band did start jamming the blues, they realized that Ray Gillen didn’t have much to do during the long instrumental breaks they were producing. The decision was made to cut Ray and trim the band down to a classic power trio, with Sykes singing lead. The trio format was fairly unique among rock bands in the late 80’s. (Ray hooked up with another new blues-rock band, Jake E. Lee’s Badlands.)
Adding to the hype machine behind the new christened Blue Murder was the tapping of up and coming producer Bob Rock. Coming off of some hit albums by Kingdom Come and The Cult, it was assumed Rock would do the same for Blue Murder. They hiked up to Little Mountain Sound in Vancouver and recorded the album, dedicating it to Phil Lynott.
Unfortunately it was pretty clear after a few listens that despite the hype and big names, Blue Murder was not the supergroup debut that it should have been. Indeed, the lineup expired after one record.
Sykes’ singing was not the issue. His vocals on songs such as “Riot” and “Ptolemy” are more than adequate. Power and range were not an issue for Sykes. Perhaps his unique guitar stylings were too associated with the mega-selling Whitesnake 1987, because the sonic connections are obvious. Too much ‘Snake, not enough Lizzy. The songs are not all bad either, though many could use some minutes trimmed from them. At nine songs and 52 minutes, Blue Murder does have the instrumental chills that Sykes wanted to get across, but at the cost of diluting the impact with meandering rock songs. Other issues must fall at the feet of Bob Rock. Though Blue Murder earned the producer a nomination at the Juno awards in 1990, the muddy sound is very far indeed from what Rock can do. “Sex Child” is a perfect example of this. Rock strove to give Carmine a big drum sound, but there are also excessive keyboards and layers of vocals all occupying the same sonic space. This robs it of the groove. It’s a chore to finish the whole album in a sitting, due to some of these problems.
There are three album highlights that are possibly worth the expense to rock historians. They are the singles “Valley of the Kings” and “Jelly Roll”, and the epic “Ptolemy”. At 7:50, “Valley of the Kings” had to be severely edited down for a single/video. It has all the progressive rock qualities that you know these guys are capable of, and who isn’t a sucker for lyrics about pharoahs and pyramids? Must credit must also be given to Tony Franklin, who makes it sound as if the fretless bass is easy to play! You don’t hear enough fretless in hard rock, and Franklin is one of the world’s very best. Period.
Interestingly, “Valley of the Kings” was co-written by then-Black Sabbath singer Tony Martin. You can absolutely hear parallels to Sabbath’s Headless Cross released the same year – an album that also had some fretless bass on it thanks to Lawrence Cottle!
“Jelly Roll” was a music video, fitting the slot for some good time summer acoustic rock. Instead of going ballad, Blue Murder went to the bayou. The tricky slide licks recall Whitesnake, but unfortunately towards the end, the song sinks into typical ballad territory. It sounds like two songs melded together, but I like the first part best.
The final keeper is the progressive epic “Ptolemy”. Unfortunately the lyrics don’t have much to do with the actual mathematician and astronomer who lived almost 2000 years ago. Instead the song is about tomb robbing; unrelated to Ptolemy of Alexandria. This is a shame since they could have written about Ptolemy’s musical studies (Harmonics), or his influence on the concept of the universe of a series of spheres that create music. Fortunately the musical qualities of the song enable us to overlook the words.
There are also-rans worth checking out: particularly a track called “Billy” which is the most Thin Lizzy of all the tunes. You could imagine, if Phil had lived, that he could have recorded “Billy” for a mid-80’s Thin Lizzy album. Unfortunately most of the material resides in Whitesnake territory, especially the carbon-copy ballad “Out of Love”, and the closer “Black-Hearted Woman” which recycles Whitesnake riffs.
Too bad. Loads of potential, but blown in the delivery.
Old review from the archives dug up for your enjoyment. With all apologies to the regular music readers, I decided to post my reviews of the first three Transformers movies, in reverse order. That’s the only way I could have saved the best for last!
J. from Resurrection Songs requested quite some time ago that I post this review. I decided that the only way to post my review of this movie, the first of the loathed “Bayverse” Transformers film, was to do it legit. I wrote up a review for my journal almost 10 years ago that has never been seen by anybody. Back then, I actually liked the movie, and the first is still the best of the series. Let’s look at this thing from the perspective of “then”. Things seemed wide open! Whatever was wrong with the movie could be fixed in the next one, right?
How wrong we were. Read on!
Date: 2007/07/23
TRANSFORMERS: Not actually much more than meets the eye!
I hate Michael Bay. Period. I hated him when I saw Armageddon, easily the worst excuse for science fiction I’d ever seen. I maintain that anyone seeing that movie is dumber for doing so. It kills brain cells like a shot of Absinthe, straight up. I was predisposed to hating Transformers since Michael Bay directed it, but surprisingly I didn’t hate it. I didn’t love it either; it was infinitely flawed. But what I liked in the film, the stuff that they nailed perfectly, was killer.
So what did they mess up so badly that I was cringing? What did they get right? Where did they surprise me?
I am with most people who hated the robots speaking and acting “contemporary”. These are aliens after all, so why Optimus would say “My bad!” when stepping in a flower bed, or why Jazz would talk like Bill Cosby acting hip-hop, I have no idea. Bumblebee “peeing” on John Turturro irked me too. For the record, “peeing” occured twice in this masterpiece of film: Once when Bumblebee unloaded on Turturro’s Agent Simmons, and once when a puppy dog urinated on Ironhide’s foot. (I did like it when he said, “That’s going to rust!” though.) This kind of thing was stupid, juvenile, and out of place even as comedy relief. Granted we’re talking about a movie based on a toy line, but the kids who played with those toys are grown up and have kids of their own now. I would like to think that piss jokes in a science fiction movie are a little passe now. (Although I do own Jackass 1 and Number 2, so call me a hypocrite.)
The storyline was a little weak. The “Allspark” that the Transformers are seeking is nothing more than a McGuffin to drive the plot. Apparently in the hands of Megatron it can do infinite harm, in the hands of the Autobots, it can heal their homeworld of Cybertron. However, in the end, it’s just a box that robots chase each other around for, like a colossal game of Cybertron Football.
The human character of Sam Witwicky as played by Speilberg’s new protege Shia LaBouf was really funny. I don’t know if he had much more dimension than that, though. He’s an awkward teen who wants to get the girl, any girl, but Megan Fox just happens to be available at the right time. When Shia is ready to protect the Allspark with his life (“No sacrifice, no victory!”) it comes a little bit out of left field considering that he rarely showed any motivation beyond getting the girl and staying alive. However, his honest, humourous delivery will make him a star one day. This kid has yet to show what he can do. I am sure he will under Speilberg in Indy 4*. As for Megan “the” Fox, she did little other than live up to her name. She did that very well. However, she didn’t really generate any other feelings in the audience. Lots of gratuitous skin shots.
Bernie Mac had some funny lines, totally over the top. But that’s why they hired a guy like Bernie Mac to play a used car salesman. John Turturro was OK, but you can tell he just phoned in his performance. John Voight, give the man some credit, looked like he was trying. Shame his part was so generic. All the soldiers in the film were pretty much just Michael Bay Soldiers…the same, every film, every time.
The robots had no characters, aside from Optimus and Bumblebee. They could have been fleshed out a lot more, but at least they felt like characters. Megatron was completely wasted, just a really big, mean, bad guy. You couldn’t even tell it was Hugo Weaving voicing him. Peter Cullen did a great job as Optimus, of course. I’m glad about that casting choice.
There were many nods to the past. Most of the characters still transformed into similar forms. Optimus looked amazing. Bumblebee was pefect as a Camaro. Frenzy was no longer a cassette tape, but the basic gist of the robot was the same. Brawl (misnamed “Devastator” in the subtitles…will this be fixed on the DVD version?**) was still a tank. Starscream was no longer an F-15 Eagle, but now a F-22 Raptor…killer update! Scorponok looked amazing in scorpion mode, but had no character to speak of and wasn’t seen in robot mode at all. Shame, that. He was once one of the deepest characters of the old Marvel series.
There was even some dialogue from the past: Optimus says, “One shall live, and one shall fall!”, the same words he said before Megatron killed him in the 1986 Transformers movie. However, twice the words “more than meets the eye” were uttered, making everyone in the audience groan. (It was just as bad as James Cromwell saying, “And you guys are astronauts, on some kind of star trek?” in Star Trek: First Contact.)
There were many nods to the creators. “This is way better than Armageddon!” one character says, with Michael Bay’s penis firmly in mouth. Someone mentioned E.T. in honour of Señor Spielbergo. There were also a small number of original series Star Trek soundbites, since the same dudes who wrote this are also working on Star Trek XI, an original series-era movie.*** (Interestingly, Michael Bay’s cousin Susan is married to Leonard Nimoy.) Some of these things were cool, some were not.
Michael Bay’s directing, as always, was suck-ass. Just for fun I watched Team America a few days before going to see Transformers. All that stuff that is made fun of in that film was in Transformers, in spades! As soon as we hit the desert in Qatar, there’s a piece of “Arabic” music that sounded right out of Team America. All the slow-mo shots interspersed with high-speed action, all the cheesy dialogue, all those over-dramatic camera angles and lighting effects…Michael Bay threw in the kitchen sink, every trick he knew.
I think the coolest thing about Transformers was that it opens up wide what can happen in 2 and 3 (Peter Cullen, Megan Fox, and Shia LaBouf have signed on for two more). Michael Bay isn’t necessarily doing the sequels, so maybe someone with a lighter hand can take over. Slow things down a bit. Let us actually see the robots. The action was mostly so fast and white-washed with explosions and debris that you couldn’t see the robots.
Speaking of the robots, much has been made of their look: People whine that Optimus shouldn’t have flames, the Megatron should transform into a gun, that Bumblebee should have been a VW Beetle. I say, stop whining. These robots look amazing. I’m sure Megatron will look different in the next film anyway.**^
Speaking of the next film: Storywise, it’s already been said that the Dinobots, Constructicons and Soundwave are potential characters for the sequel, opening up story possibilities big time. I’d like to see Grimlock and Optimus clash over leadership direction a little bit like in the old Marvel series. Megatron and Starscream too…their conflict was hinted at. The ending was left wide open for sequels. (Why did the stupid humans believe that Megatron could be disposed of in such an easy way? Foolhardy!)
So there you go. Go get a Coke and a huge tub of popcorn. Enjoy and most importantly, enjoy discussing afterwards with all your geek and nerd friends like I am.
3/5 stars
*He did not.
**It was not. Even though Bay introduced the actual character of Devastator in the next film.
A REBEL FEW – As the Crow Flies (2016 A Rebel Few)
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