Journaling is a gift that keeps on giving. I’m so glad that I decided to document my years at the Record Store. Even when I think the well is dry, I keep finding little tiny flakes of gold. I’ve collected four retail rants from back in the day for your edification.
Date: 2004/05/03
Manners? This guy was just standing in front of me, burped three times, and smelled of pepperoni when he did. It was so gross I felt like I had to puke.
Date: 2004/05/18
I have decided that I want to work at the Money Mart next door. All they ever seem to do is take breaks! The one girl, she’s on her second smoke break in one hour!**
Date: 2004/06/02
You know you’re stupid when…
You pay for a neon sign to be made that is grammatically incorrect!
I was just walking past Angel’s Diner, who advertize that they have “The best rib’s in town!” Yikes!
Date: 2004/06/21
The last thing I needed to see today was an older couple purchasing a CD about tantric sex.
* Title inspired by XM radio DJ Grant Random
** I noticed this because I had a bit of a crush on her, as noted inRecord Store Tales Part 170. Not a creepy crush though I swear.
GETTING MORE TALE #508: The Weirdest CD that I Own
The size of my personal CD collection now has exceeded my ability to store it properly. I count it not in the hundreds but the thousands, my best guess right now being about 3500 titles on CD. As one would expect, with that many titles here, you’re going to find some odd ones. In fact, for the second-last chapter of the original Record Store Tales, Mrs. LeBrain brought out 10 of her favourite weird finds in my collection. She missed the strangest one of all.
Promos Volume 6 – Don Buchwald & Associates Inc.
This CD was given to me by a short-lived employee named Damien. Damien will forever be scorned in the annals of Record Store History, for he quit (to become a roadie for the summer) with zero days notice, on the day before my vacation. And boy, did I get in shit for going on vacation anyway. This was one more incident that caused my direct supervisor, the one I call the “office bully”, to stop speaking to me for three weeks straight.* The punishment far outweighed (and outlasted) the crime. Cut that shit out, act like a damned professional.
So I will always have memories surrounding this strange 2 CD set, Promos Volume 6 put out by a New York talent agency in the late 1990’s. It’s a free promo that has 87 samples of various performers such as Joy Behar and Stockard Channing showing off their voice talents. “Chevy Chase stars in Modern Problems, tonight on HBO!” says Behar. “Jack Lemmon starring in five movies, all day on Cinemax.” She has a bit for Comedy Central, and so on. Each voice talent name on these discs (the majority of which you’ve never heard of) has roughly a minute of samples to show off their skills.
None, not even Joy Behar, have anything on Dee Snider of Twisted Sister.
“From a frenzy of emotion, to a frenzy of violence. What happens when fans become fanatics? It’s an athlete’s worst nightmare: Being stalked by a fan whose devotion becomes obsession. [gunshot sounds] CNN presents: Fans who turn the field of sports, into a field of screams.”
Wow. Who writes this stuff? I can all but guarantee that any one of my readers can come up with a better tagline than that paid CNN employee! Snider delivers his lines with the sobriety necessary. But that’s nothing. Nothing at all, compared to Sexy Snider.
The scene is set with sweltering sax, to go with the velvet voice of Snider’s sultry seduction.
“Lifetime has what you’ve been waiting for. Spend every night of the week with a different man. We’re not talking boys here. We’re talking men, who leave you breathless. Richard Gere. Tom Cruise. Kevin Costner. Sean Penn. All this week, only on Lifetime.”
It’s great stuff and I’ve used it for filler at the end of mix CDs before, when I needed something less than a minute long to max it out. What I really love is how Snider’s New York accent really comes out when he says “Sean Penn”. Damien may have been a dick, but this one track 51 second in length has given me…many minutes…of enjoyment over the years.
The 2 CD set comes in a “fat style” case, taking up far too much room for its 51 seconds of dubious value. I wouldn’t trade it away for all the specials on HBO and Lifetime combined…but I also don’t need Volumes 1-5!
What’s the weirdest CD that you own?
* Three weeks was the standard waiting period for her to get around to speaking to me again. Pretty awkward when you work together every almost single day. This happened on multiple occasions.
One of my (many, many) jobs at the Record Store was running our “buying classes”.
The problem was this: teaching new employees how to buy used CDs was a very intensive process. It made sense for us to train multiple people at once in one session. We wouldn’t even try to teach an employee how to buy until they’d been with us for two months. Once they had a little bit of experience under their belts, we’d start training them on being a buyer. One of the best features of the stores was that everybody was a buyer. You didn’t have to wait for a specific person. Anyone behind the counter could buy. We had to make sure that every single person was 1) fair, 2) competent, and 3) ready for the responsibility.
The first two buying classes were done with two instructors – myself and one of the bosses. (The first one was memorable — one guy came in with a cocaine hangover after spending the night partying too hard with the Dandy Warhols.) Subsequently, I handled the classes solo. We would generally have three to four new employees in each class, all from different stores.
We had a dedicated computer just for these classes, and of course it was an old outdated one. We couldn’t afford to buy a computer just for these training classes, obviously. Do you remember how huge an old computer was? I’d check in early and begin setting up the monstrous hardware which consisted of a PC, a titanic heavy monitor, keyboard, mouse and receipt printer. Or, if the class was being held in another city, I’d pick up the equipment at our home office and drive it (and sometimes employees too) to the class. If I was lucky, about two months later I’d see a mileage cheque.
We also had several large boxes of “training CDs” to help with learning scenarios.
For example:
CDs that were scratched, but repairable.
Discs that were top-scratched or pinholed, and not repairable.
CDs that were in mint condition.
CDs that were missing a component, such as a back cover, or one of multiple discs.
CDs that were so common that we always had them in stock.
Box sets.
Promo discs.
Classical music (we used a different buying structure for classical albums, based more on record label and series than artist and title).
Discs from every section of the store.
DVDs and video games too.
example of pinholes
There was a lot to teach, and I tried to make it fun, even though much of it was very tedious. A lot of repeat, a lot of doing the same thing over again, and a lot of waiting around as people took their turns going through buying scenarios. The classes were a chance for me to unbutton a bit and step out of the box. I had fun with the scenarios. I would play different characters. The white trash dude who watches everything you do and won’t shut up and let you think. The crackhead looking for a their next rock. The down-on-my-luck guy with a sob story that may or may not be true, who just needs enough money for the bus. And of course regular, every day, normal polite people. Because those are the exact situations they were going to experience in the front lines of the Record Store.
Not to mention (and we’ve been through this in more detail before, in Part 92: Staffing) there are many different versions of CDs. They can be similar, but have different tracks. It was crucially important to buy and enter these things accurately. If you didn’t, a customer would say, “I was looking on the internet and I saw you had the 1995 remastered version of Diary of a Madman,” and find that you just entered it wrong. It’s not the 1995; it’s the remixed 2002 one that nobody wants! Somebody made a trip in to get that CD, and you fucked it up. We tried to avoid that! But there’s only so much you can teach.
Then, to finish the buying procedures, I had to teach them about the bi-laws regarding buying used goods in the province, and how to take ID from customers. They had to know what ID’s were accepted, how to properly enter the info into the computer, and also how to deal with difficult customers who didn’t want to show their ID at all.
It was actually a pretty good system. Whoever came up with it (probably the same higher-up that sat in the first two classes) did a good job setting it up. Giving credit where credit is due, it worked. But also giving credit where credit is due, I worked my ass off in these classes, and made them my thing, while it lasted.
Training can be made fun. I think playing out scenarios is a great way to learn. Let’s face it, there is a lot of pressure on new employees during training. Doing my best to make it fresh and enjoyable was my strategy, and I think the results speak for themselves. A few people I trained ended up lasting over a decade, and that’s something to be proud of.
This summer is just burning by. This week, we’re burning through five more chapters of Record Store Tales MkII: Getting More Tale!
GETTING MORE TALE #506: I’m Eighteen
The old Record Store was 95% used CDs, bought from the general public. Like any store selling second hand goods bought pawn-style from walk-ins, we were regulated. As discussed in Record Store Tales Part 254: You Don’t Need to See My Identification, if you wanted to sell your shit to me, you had to present to me a government issued photo ID. That’s the law, and I was the sheriff, so show me your damned ID or you don’t get to sell your stolen CDs for weed money, got it!? It’s not like we were taking IDs just for fun. The cops really did go over our records (Record Store Tales Part 309: Penmanship), and every once in a while this would result in them catching a thief (Record Store Tales Part 307: Court). It was tedious but necessary work.
Part of the law regulating how we went about our business stated that you had to be 18 years or older in order to pawn stuff. People would complain. “But they’re just CDs, it’s not like I’m selling you a stolen television.” Yeah, but the laws don’t differentiate between you selling a TV, a Garth Brooks CD with a cracked case, or an X-Box. Some customers had a hard time grasping this concept.
To save yourself work, it was always advisable to ask a young-looking customer if they were 18 or older before you started going over their CDs. If they weren’t 18, you’d ask them to come back with a parent.
Here are some responses from customers who were asked if they were 18:
1. “But I’ll be 18 next week!” OK, then come back next week. You can’t vote if you turn 18 “next week”.
2. “Can you call my mom? She’ll tell you I can sell these.” No, you call your mom, and get her in here with her ID.
3. “Did you know it’s illegal to ask someone their age?” Uhh.
4. Several kids just went outside and asked strangers to sell their stuff for them, just like kids trying to get an adult to buy them liquor. Sometimes people would do it. Not exactly the wisest choice. If those CDs were stolen, guess who’s name is attached to them now?
5. You’d get the inevitable people who are flattered that you thought they were that young. “Thanks for the compliment!” Well, you’re very welcome!
The kid that really pissed me off (and this only happened once) was the kid who lied to me about his age before I went ahead and priced all his CDs. He had a lot of stuff, DVDs too, and it took a lot of time and work to go through and price them all. I checked each and every one for quality, I looked them all up in inventory, and I organised them according to value. I made the offer, the kid accepted it, and then I asked him for a piece of his ID.
And then I saw he was only 17.
I was pissed and I didn’t try to hide that. I had wasted all that time going through his shit that he couldn’t even sell, because he lied about his age.
That kid would be in his early 30’s today. I hope he learned to stop being a lying ass!
The crappy Walmart at Stanley Park Mall continues to yield treasure to those looking for it.
My weekend was already filled with some golden toy scores. I picked up the Transformers Titans Return Galvatron figure at Toys R Us yesterday, and the Star Wars Black Series 6″ droid collection too. These were small triumphs, but the real treasure awaited me today at Walmart. On clearance!
I’m trying to get at least one of every character in the Star Wars Black Series 6″ figures. As of today, I’ve done it. The last one dropped into my arms. Two weeks ago at that Walmart, it was General Hux. Today it was the ever elusive Resistance pilot Ello Asty! I’d never even seen one before. I was so excited that I fumbled and dropped the box! Small dent in the bottom left corner is my price, but since the toy was $19.99 on clearance, I’ll suck it up.
I also found a few more Titans Returns figures today to go with Galvatron, but there is no question that Ello Asty is my real jackpot today. Since Ello Asty’s name was inspired by the Beastie Boys (Hello Nasty, get it?) we’ll leave you with some “Intergalactic” to get back to the subject of music.
Well now don’t you tell me to smile, You stick around I’ll make it worth your while, Got numbers beyond what you can dial, Maybe it’s because I’m so versatile.
I’ll admit it with no shame: Sometimes I insert certain phrases into reviews, hoping they will eventually garner some hits from bizarre search terms. I did that this week with my Ozzy Osbourne: Ozzmosis review. Trying to strike while the iron was still hot, I claimed that Rick Wakeman’s organ sound on the album was “bigger than Orlando Bloom’s wang”. This may or may not even be true.
Only a day later, I got my first hit for this. The evidence is below.
I admit I’m getting some smug satisfaction from this. Dicks get clicks. At least if they belong to Orlando Bloom (and therefore, by extension, Katy Perry).
A safely anonymous friend of mine said, “I came across the uncensored versions. Oh my. I never thought twice about Orlando being hot or whatever, but dayum. I guess I just needed a mouth…errr eye opener.” I guess lots of people will be searching for Orlando Bloom’s wang.
Here are nine more search terms from recent weeks, none of them nearly as classy as Orlando Bloom’s wang.
shit hand in shower
shower poop guy
russian milf
www . fuck animals . com
porn mcgangbang
marilyn manson sucking dick pictures
japanporn
guy porn fuck she male real play mp4 down
videos of trailer park aex partes
Thanks for joining us for these fucked-up search terms. Whose wang will it be next month? Who knows?
When speaking of Aerosmith “classics”, fans often skip over the 80’s or 90’s and talk singly about the 1970’s. This is unfair to 1989’s Pump, a bonafide classic indeed, a rebirth, an all-too-brief twinkling of Aerosmith turning back the clock and smoothly kicking your behind. Sure, Permanent Vacation brought them back from the dead and provided three surprise hit singles. But that album wasn’t as laser-focused as Pump.
Teaming up for a second time with the late great Canadian producer extraordinaire Bruce Fairbairn, Aerosmith (and co-writers) cooked a short and sweet batch up. 10 songs, all to the point and done “just right”. That’s how Aerosmith albums were in the 70’s, and Pump is as close as they have ever been able to touch that magical golden era.
Incidentally, if you’re curious about how this album was made, there was an excellent behind the scenes doc called The Making of Pump that was out on VHS. The band were clearly riding a wave of energy, it was palpable in the studio. There was some conflict but it all seemed productive. There was a surplus of songs. Titles such as “Looking Up Your Old Address” and “News For You Baby” were dropped in favour of stronger songs — the 10 on Pump.
“Young Lust” and “F.I.N.E.” have always seemed to work as a supercharged pair. The band sound young, therefore “Young Lust”! Joey Kramer on the skins propels the whole thing forward, aided and abetted by Tom Hamilton’s unmistakable bass slink. Whitford and Perry — locked on to target, supporting and boosting each other’s licks. And Steven Tyler, always the centrepiece, keeping the attention focused on the hooks. “I got a brand new record, and I gotta play,” he sings, and you have to believe it. When Aerosmith have all five members firing at peak performance, then you have one hell of a lethal weapon.
We don’t need to address “Love in an Elevator”; it’s all been said. All you really need to focus on when listening to this overplayed radio staple is the musicianship. All these years later, it’s still smoking hot. Hamilton’s bass rides that riff like a surfer.
Aerosmith weren’t a preachy band, but they were pretty open about their drug usage and recovery. “Monkey On My Back” was their first real statement about this subject.
“I made believe the devil made me do it, I was the evil leader of the pack, You best believe I had it all and then I blew it, Feedin’ that fuckin’ monkey on my back.”
The reborn Aerosmith infuse it with all the energy and greasy groove required to make their point. They’re a better band without the powders; deal with it!
“Janie’s Got a Gun” is another track we don’t need to delve into deeply. It was an innovative and daring track for the time; a real statement from Tyler. He fought hard for his lyrics. “Put a bullet in his brain” was changed to “Left him out in the rain” on some edits, which robs the song of its shocking impact. In my opinion, the real moment people started to pay attention was that line. And incidentally, this is one of the best songs to watch come to life on the Making of Pump video. From the initial work on the song with writer Jim Vallance to the punching in of final vocals, you can watch the creative process like a fly on the wall.
A brief but impressive acoustic bit called “Dulcimer Stomp” was used to open side two, right before another hit single, “The Other Side”. I always appreciated that they included “Dulcimer Stomp” in the music video, even though it’s not part of the single version. “The Other Side” is probably the safest track on the album, the only one without some kind of edginess. It does boast some popping horns, a Bruce Fairbairn production trademark. Bruce is one of the players in the horn section, dubbed the Margarita Horns. “My Girl” is similarly simple and to the point, although later plagiarized for not one but two songs on 2012’s Music From Another Dimension! Much more interesting is the heavy duty “Don’t Get Mad, Get Even”. Swampy, even including didgeridoo, this is one of those Aero-blasts through the blues that Perry and Co. do so well. Just as awesome is “Voodoo Medicine Man” which is probably the most…ominous…Aerosmith track ever recorded. It is different and groove-heavy. Deeply impressive heavy rocking happening here.
Closing out with the ballad “What It Takes” was a classy move. Unlike some other ballads this band has had hits with over the years, “What It Takes” has a sincerity and authenticity that has kept it from ageing badly. The country tinge of “What It Takes” foreshadows Steve Tyler’s current solo direction, but in 1989 this was just slightly different for the band. Listen for a callback to “F.I.N.E.” from side one, and a hidden bonus track. There’s an unlisted track of acoustic instrumental jamming, an outtake from the sessions, at the very end. Even incidental bits like “Going Down” and “Dulcimer Stomp” are given their own titles on the CD, but this last jam is left a surprise.
This rare limited edition version of Pump comes in a “leather case”. There is an outer slipcase, and an inner digipack. It was manufactured as a promo and then later sold as a limited release at retail. It’s cool and looks sharp, but there is nothing else exclusive about this release. It’s a cool find if you happen upon one in your travels, but sticking with the zillions-selling regular CD edition will do you just F.I.N.E. fine.
OZZY OSBOURNE – Ozzmosis (1995, 2002 Sony remaster)
It is fair to say that Ozzy’s solo recording career post-No More Tears is not considered as classic as the music from before. Admittedly it was a confusing time. Ozzy finished his “No More Tours” tour while all the talk was about a Sabbath reunion that never happened. Retirement wasn’t in the cards, so Ozzy re-teamed with a few former members of his band: Zakk Wylde on guitar, and Geezer Butler on bass. Joining the band behind the drums was a pre-Journey Deen Castronovo. Ozzy sat down to write with a number of talents including Steve Vai, and eventually produced the “post retirement” album Ozzmosis.
Ozzmosis was considered by some fans to be inferior to No More Tears, although song for song, No More Tears isn’t as great as people seem to remember it. Ozzmosis has a heavier, more bass-centric sound and certainly boasts at least four Ozzy classics in its grooves. Osbourne has gone on record as preferring the demo versions of some songs better than the album tracks, but Ozzmosis boasts a hell of a heavy sound.
Ozzy was also struggling with his public image. He didn’t want to be seen at the bat-biting madman anymore. I suppose that’s why we see songs like “Perry Mason” on Ozzmosis. Not a bad track, it was chosen as lead single. But the subject matter? Not sure why, but:
“Who can we get on this case? We need Perry Mason, Someone to put you in place, Calling Perry Mason.”
Certainly a far cry lyrically from “Bark at the Moon”, but musically it’s still Ozzy prowling in the shadows, warning you of the dangers. It’s delightful to hear Geezer’s trademark slinky bass all over it. (I have often said that Ozzy’s best solo band, post-Randy, had Geezer and Zakk.) Ozzy was sufering from some vocal issues at the time, but “Perry Mason” isn’t one of the songs you can tell this from. Only Ozzy Osbourne & Co. could make a song about Perry Mason this cool.
“Perry Mason” would be one of the four album classics. Also up there is “I Just Want You”, which he wrote with Canadian songsmith Jim Vallance. Ozzy was rightfully proud of this heavy ballad. Rick Wakeman provided keys, classy and absolutely perfect. At times he’s playing synth parts that sound like mellotron, at others like a big fat Hammond organ (bigger than Orlando Bloom’s wang). At all times, it is awesome. Zakk Wylde plays an effects-laden solo that sounds underwater, but in a good way. It’s haunting and not robbed of its power. He utilises this “watery” sound on a number of tracks on Ozzmosis.
Standing with these songs is “See You on the Other Side”, another fab ballad from the dark side. Ozzy’s preferred demo version (with sax solo) can be found on his Prince of Darkness box set. There’s nothing wrong with this version though, haunting as it is. It was written by Ozzy, Zakk, and Lemmy Kilmister, who helped Ozzy out with the words.
The fourth and final classic is the album closer, “Old L.A. Tonight”. As one of Ozzy’s piano ballads, it has been largely forgotten over the years. The piano and Zakk’s very emotive playing only amplify what Ozzy’s singing. Zakk’s solo is one of his finest. Why some things become hits and not others, I don’t always understand. “Old L.A. Tonight” is superior in almost every way to a track like “Mama I’m Coming Home”, or “So Tired”. This is one of the tracks that does reveal cracks in the Ozzman’s voice, as he reaches for very high notes and quavers. I can’t hit the notes he’s hitting, though.
You’ll notice that of the four album classics, three are ballads, and that’s a problem. Yes, even as far back as “Changes” or “Planet Caravan”, Ozzy has been a master of the art of the heavy ballad. His core audience tends to buy albums for his heavy metal songs, and the heavy material on Ozzmosis is lacking. Few of those songs really congeal into something solidly memorable. The album sounds heavy on effects, and while that strategy worked on the four classics, it tends to choke and strangle the other songs, inhibiting Ozzy’s voice with a nasal muffler. It’s surprising how much time he spends singing higher than what sounds comfortable, and that too is a weakness.
Sony tacked on two bonus tracks for this 2002 reissue — a rip off, and I’ll explain why. The album includes two B-sides: “The Whole World’s Falling Down” and “Aimee”. (That makes two songs about Ozzy’s kids on this CD, including “My Little Man” about Jack.) There were however four B-sides released for this album, and two are not included for no good reason. Missing are “Living With the Enemy” and “Voodoo Dancer”, but fear not. None of Ozzy’s B-sides this time out were really keepers. “Aimee” isn’t bad, but Ozzy has done much better stuff for his B-sides in the past. Songs like “You Said It All”, “Don’t Blame Me”, and “Liar”.
Zakk Wylde didn’t do the tour for this album, even though he co-wrote and played on it. Zakk seemed to be trying to establish himself separate from Ozzy at the time, and so Ozzy toured with Joe Holmes who had finished up a stint with David Lee Roth. (Though Ozzy stuck with Holmes for five years, I never thought he sounded right playing the Ozzy or Sabbath material.) After a brief leg, Ozzy fired Deen Castronovo and re-hired his previous drummer Randy Castillo. Ozzy made a backhanded statement about Castronovo being a talented session drummer, and that’s what he should continue to do. Ouch.
It’s a mixed bag, but when you hit a gem in the grooves of Ozzmosis, it is worth the price of purchase. Shame about the stinky cover art.
WINGER – II – In the Heart of the Young (1990 Atlantic)
Another awful album cover; another Winger album! The ambitious follow-up, still sonically mutilated by producer Beau Hill, was several steps forward and a few steps backwards at the same time. The year was 1990, and while most bands were starting to toughen things up and go a little heavier, Winger turned on the tap marked “syrup”.
Truly awful is “Can’t Get Enuff”, which Winger admitted took about five minutes to write, when he decided they needed to “make a video about sex”. Because that’s never been done before. Nor has a song called “Can’t Get Enough” (spelled correctly). There is nothing new or necessary here; the talented band are neutered by programmed rhythms and cheesey, generic lyrics. Not good enuff, although the second tune “Loosen Up” is better. There could have been some rock and roll groove with “Loosen Up”, but the plastic and thin production removes its teeth.
Keyboardist Paul Taylor, who left the band after this tour, wrote the ballad “Miles Away” by himself and it hits all the bases that a power ballad needed to hit: Big chorus, sad keyboards, and sappy lyrics! “Miles Away” never quite felt like it fit on the album stylistically, but it’s actually a decent ballad. It’s well written and arranged, but so pigeonholed to its time.
I hate synth horns, therefore I hate the single “Easy Come Easy Go”. There is no substitute for real horns. Keyboards are quicker and easier, but there is no comparison to the real thing. Thankfully Winger did utilise real horns on “Rainbow in the Rose”, the first of two epics on the album. Where “Can’t Get Enuff” was written in minutes, “Rainbow in the Rose” took a year to compose and arrange. Its complexity is admirable, but a better producer could have given it the finish it deserved. It’s a shame that with a complicated track like this, you can barely hear what drummer Rod Morgenstein is doing. He’s one of the best in the world, but he’s buried under keyboards. When you do listen to what he’s doing, it’s quite incredible work. As for the song? The chorus kills!
The second side was more of the same, including another epic at the end. “In the Day We’ll Never See” was Winger’s attempt to write more serious lyrics, and that’s all well and good. With a peppy riff and serious tone, it’s a good enough song for a car tape. Reb Beach’s anthemic guitars are the highlight. Another side; another ballad — “Under One Condition” sounds like a Warrant song, although that’s probably being unfair. Warrant could never play like Winger.
Side two has a slew of annoying songs in the middle. “Little Dirty Blonde” is as putrid as it sounds, but let’s face it folks, it’s not as bad as Kip Winger rapping. The story goes that they wanted to get Tone Lōc to do his thing over “Baptized By Fire”, but that didn’t happen so Kip rapped it himself. It’s as annoying as you expect. One of the most impressive moments on the album is just a short instrumental break, sounding like speedily tapped guitar and bass, right before “Baptised By Fire”, but it’s over too soon before MC Kip takes over. “You Are the Saint, I Am the Sinner” improves the outlook mildly, annoying title aside. That leads to the final epic track, “In the Heart of the Young”. Like “Rainbow in the Rose”, this is a more ambitious arrangement, done with skill and care. Once again, focusing on Rod Morgenstein allows you to hear the complexities within. The melodies are strong and Kip’s singing is under-appreciated.
Winger were on to something with the more progressive material. Where they lost fans was with the dumbed down sounds of songs like “Can’t Get Enuff”, and they paid for it during the grunge onslaught down the road.
When Winger started out, they really played down to their audience. Kip Winger was a classically trained musician. Reb Beach was already a virtuoso guitar player whose talent can’t be under-stressed. Keyboardist Paul Taylor had been around the block a number of times, including a stint with Kip Winger in the Alice Cooper band. Most impressively, drummer Rod Morgenstein is best respected for the rock fusion combo Dixie Dregs. To hear guys with that background singing a song that goes, “She’s only seventeen, Dad says she’s too young but she’s old enough for me,”…well it’s just embarrassing.
I call bullshit, Mr. Clarence R. Winger. He’d been studying classical music since the age of sixteen. You know he could do better if he wasn’t trying to write cliche rock lyrics.
Musically, Winger (the debut album) isn’t half bad. In fact it’s more than half good! The opener “Madalaine” is cheesey rock, but it’s above the bar due to the intense guitar shreddery of Mr. Beach. It was an era when it was OK to just get up there and tap tap tap away. There is some musical integrity contained herein, but it’s not in the lyrical department. The single “Hungry” begins with a string quartet (only 22 seconds’ worth), arranged by Kip. See? Flashes of the talent within, but cloaked behind a typical rock power ballad with one of the most overused titles in the genre. Good songs both…but written down to a specific audience by guys who can do better.
Chief offender “Seventeen” wouldn’t be half bad if it had a different title; any title. Call it “Buttermilk”. Instead of:
“She’s only seventeen (seventeen), I’ll show you love like you’ve never seen, She’s only seventeen (seventeen), Dad says she’s too young but she’s old enough for me.”
Change that to:
“I love my buttermilk (buttermilk), Makes my pancakes as smooth as silk, I love my buttermilk (buttermilk), Mom says it’ll make me fat, stop that buttermilk!”
See? My lyric had depth that theirs doesn’t. It’s light and shade. Yes, buttermilk will make your pancakes extra tasty, but what of the health costs? I could go on and on about the brilliance of my lyric vs. Kip Winger’s. But I won’t. You get the point.
Shredding musicianship aside, “Seventeen” is not a good song.
“Without the Night” works well enough as a Bon Jovi-esque power ballad. What should have been deleted, because they already had enough original material, is a cover of Jimi’s “Purple Haze”. This is dreadful, overplayed, oversexed, with the only saving grace being a guitar battle with Reb Beach on one side and Dweezil Zappa on the other. Two monster players going at it is right on. Kip Winger “ooh ahh-ing” all over “Purple Haze” is blech. Just focus on Reb and Dweezil, and try your best to ignore Clarence.
The original LP had a side break here, and I think that’s a good idea. I need to take a moment to get some fresh air. Something stinks in here….
“State of Emergency” has a little progressive complexity to it, some chops and lyrics that are not about seventeen year old girls, so that is good. “Time to Surrender” shreds impressively over a slow Ratt-like riff. All considered, “Time to Surrender” is one of the strongest tracks on the album. Sadly, “Poison Angel” is the worst. This one could have been dropped. “Hangin’ On” is good enough, again boasting some impressive playing from Reb Beach. The key to listening to Winger is to focus on the instrumentation.
The most impressive track is the ballad “Headed for a Heartbreak”. Cheesey, yes. But listen for a moment, to the arrangement, and to the playing. It’s a hit power ballad, yes…but there are progressive complexities to the arrangement. Listen to Rod Morgenstein’s drumming. His patterns are not simple rock cliches. Too bad it’s so hard to hear what he’s doing. Winger has a brittle production, thanks to schlock-meister Beau Hill, ruiner of many an album. Over-processing and harsh gating on Rod’s drum sound gives the album a plastic feel. Some tracks such as “State of Emergency” should have more heft, but it is lost. “Time to Surrender” needs less gloss. The album has hardly any bass, and the thing about that is that Kip Winger is actually a pretty good bassist (not to mention singer).
The CD only bonus track (oh 1988, I miss you so) is a short rocker called “Higher and Higher”. It’s a better track than the similar-paced “Poison Angel” and should have swapped places with it. There’s also one other interesting little track to be found. Another short rocker called “Out for the Count” made an appearance on the soundtrack to Karate Kid III. I picked that up at a Zellers store, I think, on a clearance sale around 1992. It was an odd find, but being a collector I grabbed it for the one track. (Also on the CD is “48 Hours” by a band called PBF, better known as Pretty Boy Floyd!) Swap “Out for the Count” for “Purple Haze”, and the Winger album would have been far stronger.
It’s really hard to boil this down to a simple number rating. I’ve come up with an equation based on your valuing of playing and songcraft,
Where x = a scale from 0-5 on how much you value shredding,
and y = a scale from 0-5 on your importance of song craft,
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