THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN
PHASE TWO: THE MULTIVERSE SAGA
Chapter Twenty-One: Fate of the Brainiac
Recap reading! Refresh your memory with Chapter Twenty: The Death of Edie Van Heelin’, Shinzon: Dread and the Fugitive Mind, Chapter Eighteen: Shinzon Origins, and Chapter Twelve: Lost In Space.
A fatigued and dejected Superdekes and Tee Bone Man worked tirelessly, around the clock. Their duties had multiplied. Now they were attempting to organize a team of heroes called the Northern Lights, to defend the Earth from a yet-unidentified threat. Some players had shown their cards, but it was still a mystery what was coming. All they knew was, they had better get ready. They had already suffered their first major loss. The Northern Lights, ink still barely dry on the membership roster, was down a founding member. The superhero from California, Edie Van Heelin’, had fallen.
“Any luck analyzing the data from the Battle of California?” asked an exhausted Tee Bone Man.
Deke, frustrated, was seated at his computer. He whipped his head around and snapped back. “No! Don’t you think I would have told you if I had any news?” Then he paused and wiped his brow. His face softened. “I’m sorry man…I guess the strain is getting to all of us.”
Tee Bone nodded in understanding. “Definitely. And I’m worried about the Brainiac. Have you seen him today?”
Deke’s eyes looked up. “No. He’s been staying upstairs in Ripper’s room, but I haven’t actually seen him in a couple days.”
“I’ll go check on him,” responded Tee Bone Man, sprinting up the stairs to the top level of Deke’s Palace.
Tee Bone leaped to the top staircase in a single bound. Down the hall was a door with a crudely written sign taped to it: “Do not disturb.” Tee Bone sighed, and knocked.
No answer. He knocked again. Then the door opened, revealing not the Brainiac, but his roomate: the little black squirrel named Ripper.
“Squee squee?” answered Ripper. Unfortunately, Tee Bone Man did not speak squirrel, and the only person who could, was gone.
“I’m here to check on Brainiac,” answered Tee, hoping the squirrel would understand. Ripper responded by gesturing with a paw to a shape on the couch inside. The room was completely darkened. On the couch was a unidentifiable mound of blankets. On the table in front were dozens of discarded tissues. Tee Bone steeled himself and put on a happy face.
“Hey Brainiac!” he cheered inside. “Just checking on you…Deke and I are going to have a barbecue outside this afternoon. Have you eaten?”
There was no sound. The mound on the couch didn’t answer.
Tee Bone strode over to the couch, turned on a light, and removed a blanket. Underneath was a disheveled, unshaved and despondent shell of a man. He looked up at Tee Bone, dark circles under his eyes. “I’m not hungry,” answered the broken Brainiac.
Tee Bone sat. “Mike…” he began, using the Brainiac’s real name. “You can’t keep beating yourself over this. What happened was not your fault. But she’s gone now. She wouldn’t want to see you like this. She would be heartbroken to see you hiding here in this filth.”
Brainiac seemed to come alive at his last words. “Hiding? You think I’m hiding in here?”
Tee Bone tried to relax his friend. “Sorry…poor choice of words. But you need to come out. Eat some food. Get some sun. Nobody’s asking you to return to active duty. We just want our friend to be OK.”
Mike felt the warmth in his friends words, but they did not soothe his pain.
“I just wanted my friend to be OK too, Tee. And look where that got me. And her.”
Tee Bone took a deep breath. “Mike…what happened was tragic…but there was nothing you could have done to save her. I understand what she meant to you…but you are not responsible. Someone else did it. Deke is downstairs right now, analysing all the data we collected about that force field that they erected around her Shoe Shed. We’re not giving up on this. Come and have some food.”
Mike lashed out with unexpected fury. “I know who was responsible! It’s obvious! But he’s disappeared…I guarantee we’ll never hear from that pathetic scum again. I never trusted him. Ever.”
The weight of these words hit Tee Bone hard. He’d never heard the Brainiac filled with such anger, such hate, such vitriol. He reasoned out that he was referring to the husband of Edie Van Heelin’, who disappeared off the face of the Earth shortly before the Battle of California began.
“But why?” asked Tee Bone gently. “What did he have to gain?”
Brainiac snickered. “Money.”
Not knowing the situation as well as Brainiac, Tee Bone assumed he was right. “We’ll see if we can follow the money, and find out who put him up to it. I promise. We’re not going to give up. But you have to pull yourself out of this funk!”
Mike took a deep breath. “I know…I know I do. This grieving process isn’t as linear as you think. I go from blaming myself, to blaming everyone else, to…to just wanting to talk to her. The superhero stuff was fun…but I’d give everything up just to have one more laugh with her. She…she was different, Tee Bone. She was full of light, but also terribly naive. I don’t think she understood the level of evil that we are up against, and the evil in her own back yard. That’s what really killed her…her inability to see something was terribly wrong in front of her. And I never said anything, despite the red flags and misgivings.”
“Would she have listened to you, had you warned her?” asked Tee Bone.
Mike thought. He shook his head. “No.”
Tee Bone reassured him. “Then it was Kobayashi Maru. A no-win scenario.”
A tear fell down Brainiac’s cheek. He made some movements in an attempt to get off the couch. His stiff back creaked and his knees snapped, but he managed to get up. “The best revenge is to win. And we’re not going to lose,” he said with determination. “Let’s go downstairs and see what Deke has found.”
“Stretch first,” advised Tee Bone.
Brainiac chuckled. “Tee Bone wise. I’ve made that mistake before. I’m not getting any younger, man!” He stretched from side to side, cracking every spot that could. Tee Bone winced at the sound of it, but waited patiently. Then, with renewed energy, Mike bounded down the steps with Tee Bone barely able to keep up! They were trailed by the little black squirrel, who seemed relieved that his roommate had finally gotten off the couch.
“Hey Deke!” he said as he walked into the main room at the Palace. “What have you got for me?”
Deke looked over his glasses and smiled. “Hey Brainiac! Unfortunately I don’t have anything yet, but I’m working on it, I promise.”
Mike grinned. “Have you tried following the money yet?”
Deke was unsure what he meant by that. “What money?”
Leaning over to look at Deke’s screens, Mike explained. “I have a theory. Edie’s death was obviously an inside job. Someone had to have access to her Shoe Shed, to put all that technology into place, to keep her trapped inside. Someone who knew she didn’t have her rocket boots with her. You read me?”
Somberly, Deke nodded. “I think so. Inside job…someone close…so you’re looking for a big money transaction.” Brainiac nodded affirmative. “I’ll run some searches. Let’s give the computer a couple hours to go through all the parameters. Are you coming outside for some barbecue?”
“I haven’t actually eaten in two days,” confessed Mike. “So that would be a yes.”
Brainiac was happily wiping barbecue sauce from his beard when suddenly Deke erupted in excitement.
“Mike…you were right! Follow the money!” He was gesturing to his phone. “My computer has finished scanning unusual transactions into California…and look what we found! A whole chain of money transfers!” He handed the device to his friend. Mike took it, removed his glasses, and began to read.
“Wow…that’s a lot money. Bitcoin, eh? It must have taken a lot of computing power to hack this data, Deke. Thank you,” he said with sincerity. Continuing reading, he was not surprised to find his old nemesis Tommy Lee was involved with the dirty money. “That figures,” he said. Then his eyes squinted. “But it looks like the actual origin point of this money was…no! It can’t be!”
“What? What is it?” asked Deke. “What are you seeing?”
Mike squinted to look at the addresses again. He definitely recognized one of them in North Carolina.
“Guys,” he broke to them. “It’s either a setup, or your friend the Snowman was responsible for this. Look.”
He handed the phone back to Deke, who took an even closer look. “Well…that’s definitely the Snowman’s location. I just can’t see him being involved with this. We better go check it out, just in case he’s in trouble.” Deke tucked the phone into his pocket. Then he smiled at Mike. “Hey Brainiac…what if I told you that we had an actual X-Wing Fighter and TIE Interceptor that we could fly to North Carolina?”
Brainiac looked stunned a moment. Then he laughed. “You’re funny! Good joke. I know you’re trying to cheer me up, but that’s not gonna do it!”
“WOOOOOO!” screamed the Brainiac from the seat of a TIE Interceptor. “I can’t believe you actually have these things! And that they actually fly! Do the lasers work too?”
Before anyone could answer, the Brainiac blasted a barn below, which blew into wooden smithereens.
“Whoops! I guess the lasers do work!”
“Careful there, Big Brain!” cautioned Tee Bone, who was flying in formation in front of the Interceptor and X-Wing. He was equipped with his black stealth guitar, cape fluttering in the wind. Deke, meanwhile, was behind the stick of the X-Wing.
The trio were en route to visit the Snowman at his compound, where he stored his copy of Gene Simmons’ Super Duper Vault. Never one for financial discipline, he bought the box set, and then had to buy a second house to store it. Snowman was loaded, it was true, but this conspiracy didn’t seem like his style. He would be just as likely to buy something stupid with the money, rather than pass it on to Van Heelin’s killer.
The two sleek spacecraft, and one guitar-wielding superhero, were sparing no time. At top speed, they had crossed the US border and were well on their way to east coast. Deke had rigged up some stealth equipment to ensure they didn’t appear on any radar. The time flew by faster than a Van Halen album.
Tee Bone alerted his friends, “Snowman’s estate is dead ahead! No army of snowmen visible at this distance.” The three circled in for a landing.
“OK guys…how the heck do you land this thing?” asked the Brainiac as they made their final approach.
“It’s all automatic!” answered Deke. “Center switch!”
As the spacecraft came to a landing, a debonair looking man with white hair and beard emerged from the largest house on the compound. The man shaded his eyes from the hot sun, and watched. He knew who this had to be!
“Superdekes! Tee Bone Man!” screamed the Snowman. “To what do I owe the pleasure this time?”
Tee Bone Man landed and extended his hand to shake. “It’s a mystery, Snowman!” Deke and Brainiac emerged from their ships and walked over to shake hands with the Snowman as Tee Bone continued. “Deke was doing some digging regarding the recent death of our ally, Edie Van Heelin’. I’ll let the Brainiac take it from there.”
Snowman motioned for the friends to sit. There was a picnic table and some bluetooth speakers blaring Kiss. “Have a seat boys, you like Kiss, I know.”
“We love it loud!” answered Superdekes as he took a seat.
“Sweet tea?” offered the Snowman as a servant appeared with a pitcher and four glasses. The servant was, of course, wearing Kiss makeup. Snowman’s guests did double-takes, but didn’t question the eccentric American. “So you say you’re here regarding Edie Van Heelin’?”
“That’s right,” picked up the Brainiac. “First of all, let me just make one thing clear — we don’t suspect your involvement at all, that is not why we’re here. We suspect someone was trying to frame you. Her death was an inside job, Snowman. Someone with access to her Shoe Shed and belongings set up a force field, and scrambled her ability to talk to animals. We think we know who did it, but what we don’t know yet was who paid him off. That’s who we’re really looking for. Someone made a big payment…and when Deke traced the money transfers, one of the transactions appeared to come straight through you.”
Snowman’s face went even whiter with shock. “Impossible! I had nothing to do with it!”
Tee Bone reassured him. “We know, we know. But we had to come down here to see if you knew anything, and warn you that someone big is after all of us.”
Deke emphasized this. “All of us. And they managed to take Van Heelin’ down. She was the only superhero tough enough to take on Tee Bone Man, so you know this is serious, Snowman.”
“Well I’ll be,” he answered. “This is serious.”
Brainiac huffed. “You’re damn right it is, and I’m getting tired of talking. I told you guys how serious this was, and nobody listened. Let’s act this time. Are you with us, Snowman? There’s no time like the present for revenge.”
Tee Bone tried to calm him down. “Easy, Brainiac. We’re just here to collect facts. There won’t be any revenge today.” Brainiac grumbled something and looked down at his sweet tea.
“Someone’s going to have to pay,” he muttered under his breath.
Deke tried to bring the conversation back to the point. “Snowman, do you know anyone who would want to frame you for this death?”
Snowman thought a moment, and placed a hand on his bushy beard. “Well…there are people. Vinnie Vincent’s not too happy with me at the moment, after I bought his pink Flying V and then he refused to hand it over. I had my Snowman army sneak in and take it! So, I’m definitely on his list.”
Tee Bone shook his head. “No way this is Vinnie Vincent. He couldn’t organise an album release, let alone a murder. Anyone else?”
Snowman shook his head no. “I’m an easy going guy.”
“It’s a damn dead end!” shouted Brainiac, standing. “I knew this was a waste of time.”
“Easy, Brainiac, we are serious,” cautioned Deke.
“We’re not giving up,” added Tee Bone.
“Neither have I!” insisted Brainiac. “I’m going for a walk. I need to blow off some steam. I’m so frustrated.”
With that, the Brainiac stormed off, heading for some nearby trees. “I walk alone!” he shouted back at his speechless friends.
Snowman was first to break the awkward silence, as Tee Bone played with the rim of his glass. “What’s eating him? One minute we’re having a nice afternoon of drinking sweet tea and listening to Kiss, and now he’s storming off into the woods.”
“Don’t mind the Brainiac,” answered Tee. “He’s dealing with a lot of guilt. He blames himself for the death of Edie Van Heelin’. He’s going to have to work this out on his own.”
The three looked towards the forest. Brainiac was already concealed by the trees. Nobody said the words, but all of them were worried.
Alone in the woods, Brainiac sat next to a large oak and began sobbing.
“Why didn’t I see it? Why didn’t I do anything? Why didn’t I say anything?” he muttered. He knew in his head that there were no words he could have spoken that Edie would have heeded. But what his heart was telling him was another matter.
He didn’t know how long he was sitting beneath that giant oak, nor did he see the shadows looming around him as he wept.
Then a voice, Australian in accent, spoke just before him.
“Hello, Brainiac. We meet again at last! When I left you, I was but a Lego learner. Now, I am the Lego master!”
Brainiac raised his head. Before him, a clean-shaven Australian man with long silky hair stood, flanked by four androids, two per side. He sat in utter shock.
“You!! Shinzon!” exclaimed the Brainiac as he leaped to his feet. “You’re the one behind this!”
“Actually, no, I’m not. Though I certainly would have liked to send Edie Van Heelin’ to her early grave, someone else got to her first. She would have been a mere appetiser. You, Brainiac, are the main course.” Shinzon smiled. “Brainiac, my old friend, have you ever heard the Klingon proverb that says revenge is a dish best served cold?”
Brainiac smiled. “I have,” he grinned wickedly. “And I’m very hungry!” He pulled a green lightsaber from his belt. He waved it menacingly before Shinzon and the androids. They all took a few steps back, while Shinzon revealed his new boomerang. “This isn’t my first duel, you know,” he said. “I just got this. It’s made of Vibranium. Not even your lightsaber can cut through it.”
Brainiac smiled again. “Let’s find out!” He leaped forward, removing some of Shinzon’s hair with his blade.
Shinzon shouted orders to his androids. “Units 1, 2, 3, and 4! Distract Tee Bone and Superdekes! The Fanboy is all mine!”
Snowman, Tee Bone and Superdekes all stood from their table, at attention. From the trees, four silver gleaming androids were inbound. They were not slowing down. The three heroes prepared for action.
“Heads up!” shouted Deke, as Tee Bone took to the air. “Snowman, you have any more defenses around this place?”
“Yeah!” screamed the Snowman. “I bought 400 squirt guns!”
“Oh, fudge,” responded Deke. Reaching into his backpack, he wielded his infamous balls of steel on a chain. “I guess it’s clobbering time!”
“What do I do?” asked the Snowman, armed only with a water gun.
“Short circuit them!” cried Superdekes as he charged into action.
From above, Tee Bone began striking at the androids, who were slowed down from his sonic blasts, but were not stopped! They kept marching forward, step by step, inexorably, unimpeded by the attack. Tee Bone then swooped down, and picked up one of the androids, tossing him through the air. When it landed, it simply got up and started marching forward again.
“These guys are tough!” said Tee Bone. “Superdekes, what you got?”
“Just my balls of steel!” answered Deke, as he swung the chain at the head of one of the shiny humanoids. It removed the head cleanly! “One down! Three to go!” cheered Deke.
Snowman, meanwhile, was squirting all the water he had, but the gun would only fire two or three feet! “Guys!” he screamed. “These squirt guns are crap! They have no range!”
“You’re no good back there Snowman, go find the Brainiac! Make sure he’s safe!” commanded Tee Bone Man from the air. Then, after a pause, “Why the hell did you buy 400 crappy squirtguns anyway?”
“They were on sale!” answered Snowman, as he ran to the trees.
Lightsaber in hand, the Brainiac circled the Australian clone known as Shinzon.
“Tell me who arranged Edie’s murder!” screamed the Brainiac. “I know you know!” He slashed with the blade, barely missing the clone.
Shinzon laughed. “It would be a pity if I killed you,” he proclaimed. “Leaving you alive, in pain, would be much more deserved.” He fired his boomerang, missing its target by an inch as the Brainiac managed to duck just in time.
“I’ll show you pain!” screamed Brainiac again, as he lifted his lightsaber with both hands and swung down.
“Swing and a miss!” laughed the Australian. The blade swung down again, but the clone blocked it with his Vibranium boomerang. He strained under the force, as Brainiac pushed down hard. “Come on Fanboy! You can do better than that!”
Brainiac’s eyes were red with fury. “You don’t get to call me that! Only SHE could call me that!” He swung furiously, aimlessly, missing every time.
Shinzon laughed again, mocking his pain. “Did you bury her with her rocket boots?” he asked. “Or did you keep those heels for yourself, Fanboy?”
Brainiac screamed some more, moving forward, forcing Shinzon back into the trees. “Say that again! Call me Fanboy one more time. I dare you!”
Unable to resist, Shinzon took the bait. “Why, so you can cry some more?” Then he paused a moment for emphasis. “…Fanboy.”
With uncontainable fury, Fanboy struck! His blade cut clean, severing Shinzon’s left hand! The Australian clone howled in pain, cradling the stump of his wrist.
Brainiac stood before him, gloating. “How does it feel Shinzon? How does it feel to lose something important to you?” The clone did not respond, but simply whined in pain. Brainiac relished every moment. “Now tell me…who killed Edie? I know you know. If you tell me now, you won’t have to lose any more body parts.”
Shinzon refused to surrender. “Who killed her? You did, Fanboy! You did!”
With an uncontrollable scream, Fanboy lifted his lightsaber in the air with both hands, ready to strike the killing blow. “Time to die, clone!” He swung the blade down…
…And was met with the sharp end of a Vibranium boomerang embedded in his chest. In his mad rage, he could not see that Shinzon was still armed, with the deadly boomerang in his right hand. Shinzon grinned wide as he shoved it deep.
“Time to die indeed!” he cried in victory, as the Fanboy collapsed on the ground.
Barely able to speak, Brainiac sputtered blood from his mouth. “…Edie…” It was all he was able to mutter.
“Aww, Edie!” laughed Shinzon. “That meddling woman won’t be bothering us again…and neither will you!” He pulled the boomerang from Fanboy’s chest, who cried in pain at the sudden shock. “At last! I’ve had my revenge. You have no idea what you did to me, Fanboy, you and your friend. And now you’re both finished. Poetic, really.”
“…Edie…you…killed…” whispered Mike as he lay bleeding on the ground.
Shinzon laughed some more. “Me?” He pointed towards himself mockingly and made an innocent face. “Not me. I was offworld. I had nothing to do with it. It was my former master, Lord Tyranus, who ordered her death. With you gone, maybe now I will be back in his good graces.”
Mike sputtered up some blood, hanging onto life as long as he could. “…Tyranus…” he whispered.
Shinzon picked up the Brainiac’s lightsaber and tucked it into his belt. “Goodbye, Fanboy. Forever! Revenge is indeed sweet!” He laughed and ran, leaving the bodies of his androids behind.
“Three down!” shouted Tee Bone Man from the air as he took down the third of the four androids attacking them. “You got the last one, Deke?”
“Roger that!” affirmed Deke, as he removed the head from another android with his balls of steel. “That’s four!” Now where did Snowman and Brainiac go?”
“We’d better go find ’em!” answered Tee.
Suddenly, the pair saw a starship lift off from the woods.
“That ain’t good,” said Deke grimly.
The ship, now airborne, blasted into the atmosphere, far too fast for the heroes to chase. “Don’t worry about the ship!” said Tee Bone. “Find Snowman and the Brainiac!” They ran into the woods, where they caught sight of the Snowman, kneeling over a body.
“Stay with me Mike!” they could hear him shout. “Stay with me!”
“Oh, no…” said Tee Bone as they circled the fallen man.
Snowman looked up at them, desperation in his face. “I found him like this! I don’t know what to do! I called 911.” Snowman had used his overshirt to pack the wound, but Mike was bleeding out fast.
“Mike…hang in there buddy. Help is on the way,” said Tee Bone.
Suddenly Mike opened his eyes and cried “Jen!! Tell Jen…tell her…tell her what happened…that I tried!…Edie…” The three friends tried to keep him stable.
“It’s OK buddy…it’s OK…” whispered Deke as Mike appeared delirious. “You’ll be seeing Jen soon, you can tell her yourself.”
“Tell Jen…she needs to carry on my work…only she can do it…You guys have to help her.” He gasped for breath. “I can see Edie…she’s just on the other side…through the light…she’s calling me…” choked Mike.
“Hang in there buddy!” prayed Snowman. “Stay out of the light!”
Mike coughed up blood. He turned and looked right into Tee Bone’s eyes. “Listen to me…It wasn’t…it wasn’t…it wasn’t Shinzon…” The blood splattered down his lips. “I’m coming Edie,” he whispered. “I’ll be there soon…”
“You’re not going anywhere man!” said Tee Bone directly into his face. “You can hear me, I know you can…this is Tee Bone…we’re getting help…”
Mike looked straight into his eyes. “The killer…was named Tyranus…” He coughed up more blood. “Lord…Tyranus…” His head fell. “Edie…Hi…I missed you…”
With that, just as the ambulance sirens could be heard in the distance, the Brainiac took his final breath.
A somber Snowman served sweet tea to his two remaining guests, Superdekes and Tee Bone Man, as they sat at his kitchen table, unable to shake the sight of what had just happened.
“I can’t believe he’s gone,” said Tee Bone. “He was…well, he was unique, that is for sure.”
“Nobody loved Kiss more than the Brainiac,” answered Snowman. “Not even me. And I’m insane.”
Deke laughed. “That’s right! He even liked Peter’s solo album!”
“I would have liked to play it for him at Camp this summer,” smiled Tee Bone. A tear formed in his eye. “Seems surreal to be sitting here now, without him. What happened?”
Deke answered, “It was that Shinzon character. The clone.”
“He also mentioned someone named Lord Tyranus,” said Tee Bone in response. “That’s the biggest clue we’ve had so far.”
“Good info. At least he didn’t die for nothing,” said Deke. At that exact moment, his phone beeped. “Woah-ho! Would you look at that.” He handed his phone to the Snowman.
“Why, this doesn’t make any sense!” he said as he looked at the data.
“It actually does!” said Deke. The money we were tracking…this was a distraction, embedded into the blockchain! Probably another setup. But I figured out where the money really originated. Look.”
“I see it…but I don’t believe it!” said Snowman. “Mar-A-Lago?”
“Mar-A-Lago, Florida,” said a satisfied Deke.
“Trump…” all three said simultaneously. Then Deke and Tee Bone noticed Snowman swallowing hard.
“You OK Snowman? You look like you’ve seen a ghost!”
Snowman smiled. “Oh yeah! No, I’m fine! Yeah, I don’t know anything about Trump. We left his clone on Mars, remember?”
“That we did,” answered Tee Bone. “He’s safer there on Mars, and we’re better off with him there as well.” He stood. “Well Deke? Time to head home. We need to tell the other members of the Northern Lights what has happened here today. Another defeat. Another loss. Another hero gone.”
The three all shook hands. Snowman saw his friends out the door. When it closed, he breathed a massive sigh of relief.
“Whew…those guys better not find out what I really did with Trump’s clone!”
Snowman turned on the news, and waited for the latest out of Mar-A-Lago.
The end
THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN: PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 
THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN: PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA
THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’
THE WRITER’S ROOM
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