humour

Part 315: Character Studies

HAMMOND ORGAN

RECORD STORE TALES Part 315:  Character Studies

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I’m getting closer to the end of the line with the Record Store Tales.   These are some bits and pieces I had lying around that I never managed to make full stories out of.  Below are four memorable characters from the Record Store days.  It’s funny how even 20 years have gone by in some cases and I still remember these customers.

1.  Richard the Indian.  I don’t like making racial jokes, but Richard the Indian (nickname applied by himself) liked to make them, and always about himself!  Richard had a First Nations Status card, which he had to present to us to be exempt from the Provincial Sales Tax.  He used to joke at the front counter about his barely-working Discman:  “This Discman must have been made by Indians, it already broke!”  He was a nice guy, but I always felt like I couldn’t laugh at that joke!  You know what I mean?

2.  “Oops There It Is” Kid.  This kid came in every week for a year, looking for the song “Whoomp! (There It Is)” by Tag Team (except he couldn’t say the name right).  Being a kid, he wasn’t allowed to spend money, so he could never buy one of the albums we had.  Then one day, we got in a whole bunch of cassette singles on clearance, including “Whoomp! (There It Is)”.  It was a buck or two.  You should have seen his eyes when we finally got a copy in that his mom would let him buy!  I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a happier kid.

3.  Hammond Organ Man.  I think this may be the same customer that I referred to as Jaded Rock Guy.  The reason he was also known as Hammond Organ Man was that he refused to believe that one of our store managers even knew what a Hammond organ was (even though she did).  I don’t know why that’s so hard to believe.

4.  Johnny.  This guy was a burn-out from my old highschool.  He was in the same class as the store owner.  In mid ’94 he was always coming in asking, “When is the new Cult out?”  We hadn’t seen any release dates at all, but every week he asked the same question.  “When will the new Cult be out?”  Finally my boss answered him, “Next week,” just to see what Johnny would say.   His eyes went wide.  “Really?  Can you hold one for me?”  My boss told him he was just kidding, but he stopped asking about the new Cult album.  Then when it finally came out in October  ‘94, he hated it!  He bought it from me new and sold it to me used.

Part 292: Get A Leg Up

LL

RECORD STORE TALES Part 292:  Get A Leg Up

What is with those rapper kids who have one pant leg rolled up?

The first time I ever saw this fashion statement, I was working the record store.  I saw this kid with his left leg rolled up, he wasn’t riding a bike.  He was in just on foot with his buddies.  Goofy shoes, one pant leg rolled up, ass all but hanging out the back.  Headphones on.

I was working with Matty K, who was a hip-hop fan.

“Look at this guy!” I said.

“Shh,” Matty shushed me.  “That means he’s ganged up.”

“What?” I whispered?  “In Kitchener?  That’s stupid.  What is he, the River Road Posse?  Westside K-Town?”

Over the years I have heard different explanations.  One leg up means you’re with one gang, the other leg means another gang.  I’ve also heard it means you have drugs for sale.  I’ve never happened across a definitive answer.  All I know is that however stupid you may look, all you have to do is roll up one pant leg to max out at uber-stupid.

What does it mean?  Comment below!

Part 291: The Old Geezer Who Called the Cops For a Refund

 

REFUNDS

 

“Don’t make me tap the sign again.”

 

RECORD STORE TALES Part 291:
The Old Geezer Who Called the Cops For a Refund

Let’s say you went into a store, and bought a movie.  Then a few days later, you decided you didn’t like the movie and wanted to return it.  What kind of questions would cross your mind?

Here are some thoughts I would have.

  1. Do I still have the receipt?
  2. Does it state the store’s return policy?
  3. Does my purchase qualify for a return?

Those are all great, relevant questions.  Unfortunately for one old geezer, he didn’t proceed past question 1.

I was working one night, and I wasn’t even working in my own store.  I was running our website at that point, and I was holed up in the back room of another store working away.  Filling orders, responding to emails, all that stuff.  I had worked a long long day, a “split shift”.  My morning was spent in my own store working the opening shift.  Then I was off from 2-5, and finished the day working on the website.  So I was back there, doing my own thing, not having to spend time interacting with customers except by email.

Then, one of the in-store staff came into the back room, looking for help.

“Mike, we’re having a problem with a customer.  He wants to return a movie, and he wants a refund.  Can you come out here?”

I was the most senior person on premises, so I stepped out to help.  Our return policy was stated clearly on store signage, and on the receipt:  “EXCHANGE ONLY WITHIN 7 DAYS.”  We informally stretched that to 14 days to avoid hassles, but refunds were not usually permitted.

I saw the old guy, and asked if I could help.

“Yeah, all I want is my money back.  I don’t want this movie.”

I used my “understanding” voice.  “I’m sorry to hear that.  Would you like to do an exchange?  You can pick out anything in the store and we can put this towards it as credit?”

“I don’t want to pick anything else.  You don’t have anything I want.  I want my money back.”

“I’m really sorry,” I said, “We don’t offer refunds on used movies.  The policy is on the sign there, and on the receipt.  But you don’t have to exchange it for a movie, you can use it towards anything in store.  Or I could order something in from another store.  Or I can issue you a credit note, and you can take that with you and use it any time you like?”

“I don’t want a credit.  I want my damn money back!”

I wasn’t going to budge just because he was insistent; I had been given shit for budging on the refund policy before by my boss. I preferred getting yelled at by customers than by him.

“I’m sorry but I can’t do that.  I can however offer you any of the other options I mentioned.”

“Where’s the boss?  I want to talk to him,” the old man spat out.

“He’s not here,” I answered.  “He made those policies so we wouldn’t have to constantly call him asking about refunds.”

“Well then I’m calling the police.  I want my money back and I’m getting it back!”

I stood there for a moment, shocked that anybody would think this was a police matter.  “You can do that if you like,” I answered simply.

“Can I use your phone?”

Seriously?  OK then.  I handed him the phone.  He fumbled with it for a few moments.

“Can you call the police for me?” he said after a moment.

This time I laughed.  “No, it’s not me who even wants to call the police!  You can call them, I don’t want anything to do with that.”

Left without options, the old man dialed and called the police himself.  Shockingly he said to them, “Can you send a couple officers here?  I don’t want this to get violent.”

Violent?!  Oh my God!  A couple officers?  What a great use of our police resources!

The fuzz showed up about half an hour later.  One officer.  It was a pretty quick, cut-and-dried visit.  He asked the old guy what the issue was; the old guy complained again that he wanted his money back and we wouldn’t give it to him.  Then he asked me for my side of the story.  I explained that we do not offer refunds, that the policy was clearly stated everywhere, and the old man had many options for returning the movie that did not involve a refund.

The officer spelled this out to the old man. In a few minutes, he had already picked a replacement movie and agreed to the exchange.   I stood there thinking, “He needed a police officer for this to happen?”  We exchanged the movie, and I thanked him for his business.  He then walked over to the cop and put his arm on his shoulder.  “I’d like to talk to you outside, about this matter,” he said to the cop, and they went outside together.

I don’t know what additional issues he needed to discuss with the law, but I never saw the old man again.

Bottom line:

If you can’t get what you want at a store, please please please don’t get the police involved.  It’s such a waste of resources.

 

 

Part 289: Tom’s Frozen Beater

TOM1

RECORD STORE TALES Part 289:  Tom’s Frozen Beater

This is a previously unreleased story!  It was first recorded in audio format only, as a special “exclusive” Record Store Tale for Sausagefest XII.  Now, the text version is available for all to enjoy — a rare exclusion to the “What happens at Sausagefest, stays at Sausagefest” rule.

It was early in 1995, winter.  The near-legendary Tom, who today hosts Sausagefest every year, was working the day shift at our mall store.  I was working the 5-9 shift.  As was my modus operandi, I showed up early (about 4:30) to check out the new stock and do bank runs.  Tom and I caught up for a bit; he was acting as store manager for the moment and let me know what needed to be done.

His shifted ended, Tom met some of his friends at the store, and departed.  I began my shift and started pricing new CDs for sale.

10 minutes later, Tom and his friends stormed back into the store.

TOM2“FUCK! Fucking piece of shit car! Fucking doors are frozen shut!”

It was the first time I had ever seen Tom enraged.

“Jeez, is there anything I can do to help?”

“Not unless you have lock de-icer on you,” Tom responded.  I did not have lock de-icer.  I had walked to work.

I’m assuming the Zellers store in the mall was also sold out of de-icer, because Tom’s next proposed solution surprised me.

“Fuck it.  I’ll just sleep here tonight.  I have to open tomorrow anyway.  Yeah, fuck it.  This is fine.  I’ll fucking just lie down in between Easy Listening and Rap.  Fuck it.  Yeah.  Fuck, I’m sleeping here tonight.”

Great googly-moogly!  Was that even allowed?  Tom scoped out that section of floor, eyeballing it, making mental measurements.

“Fuck, this is perfect, I’ll just sleep right there on the floor.”

Thankfully one of Tom’s friends found some hot water from the mall coffee shop, and with some effort they got one of the car’s doors open.  If they hadn’t, it might have been the first time somebody slept on the floor!  (It would not have been the last time – a homeless man fell asleep on my floor in the middle of the afternoon once.)

Tom however has a different conclusion to the story:  “A little piss on the lock and voila…”

Part 267: Singing in the Store

MR TROLOLO

RECORD STORE TALES Part 267:  Singing in the Store

What do you think about people singing in public?

Hey, I’ve done it.  I used to sing along to the music in my store.  Inevitably, a co-worker would say, “Hey, who’s singing this?”  I’d answer, “Oh, it’s Van Halen,” or whatever.  The punchline back to me:  “Well then why don’t you let them sing it?”

Hah hah.

I had one customer who used to whistle all the time.  He’d be browsing away, whistling a pleasant melody.  Some hated the sound of Whistling Man.  I’m not sure why, I’d rather listen to somebody whistling happily than the two girls over on Listening Station #3, shrieking “Oooh, that’s my shit, that’s my shit.”

It was always comical to hear people singing along to their headphones on the listening stations. Many were oblivious that anyone could hear them. Others were tapped on the shoulder by embarrassed family members. If I had a camera on my cell phone in those days, I would have been able to create some classic viral videos.

It was a little scary on one occasion. A kid who seemed a little disturbed was listening to some Kid Rock, and started swearing along, quite loudly and angrily. At first I didn’t know what to do; after talking it over with one of the bosses I gently interrupted him and asked him to stop singing along. He said OK, but about 10 minutes later, he was singing again.

I saw this kid a lot. That summer, he was coming in every day, usually in the morning. He often listened to a CD, sometimes two, and usually stayed an hour without buying anything. We didn’t really have any store rules about this kind of non-customer except to use your own discretion.

When he started singing again I had to cut him off. I told him that he’d listened to enough for today and showed him to the door. I think this is probably the only customer I’ve ever had to kick out for singing in the store.

To come back to my original point, I don’t mind a little singing in public as long as it’s unobtrusive and pleasant. I don’t need to know that your “shit is bananas”. But if you have a pleasant little melody in your head, what’s wrong with humming a happy tune?

Part 265: A Nightmare On Cocknuckles Street Redux: Special Edition

NIGHTMARE 7

RECORD STORE TALES Part 265:
A Nightmare On Cocknuckles Street Redux: Special Edition

A while ago, I presented a story called Part 104: A Nightmare on Cocknuckles Street.  I was telling it from memory, a tale of a customer phone call gone awry!  I re-told it the best I could, thinking that my original record store journal from that day had been lost.

I was wrong.  I found it.  I present to you the original journal from the actual day of events!  Buckle up. [Street names changed for this blog.]

Date: 2005/12/10 20:36

So here is a story.

I come in after going out to get a soda and a candy bar, I still have my coat on when the phone rings. Kyle’s with a customer so I grab it. A dude is on the other end.

Him: Hey buddy, I ordered some CDs last Saturday and I haven’t heard anything so I wonder if they’re in.

Me: Sure, I’ll check for you, one second OK? (puts down phone removes coat.) Thanks for waiting. We’re up-to-date on calling the special orders but I’ll check for you. What was the CD?

Him: It was the new Josh Groban.

Me: (Checking in the computer, I knew already there was no Josh Groban. So I checked to see if anybody had ordered one, and nobody had.) …Actually…we don’t have any record of anybody ordering a Josh Groban.

Him: Well what the hell! (Wife yelling in background) (To wife: He says they ain’t got no record of it! They lost it!) Well how could that happen?

Me: I’m not sure exactly…let me check another one. What others did you order?

Him: There was a Motley Crue.

Me: (Pretty sure of what I would find) Hmmm, I have nobody ordering one of those, either.

Him: Well that’s fucked up. (Wife yelling in background) (To me:) Did you hear that?

Me: No, not really.

Him: Be glad you didn’t.

Me: OK, understood.

Him: Now how hell did this happen? I handed the guy a piece of paper and he said he would order them for me! He said they would be here in seven days. So what the hell happened?

Me: To be honest, I don’t know, now is it possible you were at a different store?

Him: It was your store. You telling me you fucked up?

Me: I don’t know for sure but it is possible. Let me…

Him: Well aren’t you a bunch of geniuses down there.

Me: You ordered them to the [Record Store], [Cocknuckles Street] location?

Him: It was your store, on [Dicklock Street]!

Me: You just called [Cocknuckles Street].

Him: What is that?

Me: This isn’t [Dicklock Street] that you called, this is the [Cocknuckles Street] location.

Him: Well I didn’t know there was more than one! This is the number in the book! Why the hell isn’t [Dicklock Street] in the book, you tell me that!

Me: Dunno man. They messed that up I guess. [555-5555]. There ya go.

Him: [55]-What?

Me: [555-5555]. Bye.

NIGHTMARE 4

GUEST WTF Search Terms: Fan Favorites – Thussy Edition

Happy Friday, everyone.  WTF Search Terms is a series in which I reveal actual search terms that somehow led real people to mikeladano.com.  This time I asked my buddy Chris to pick 10 of his favourites from the pile, which he did — along with his own commentary.  Enjoy!

For the last installment of WTF Search Terms, Unsolved Mysteries edition, click here!
For more shits n’ giggles, check out WTF Comments, too!

SWAYZE

WTF Search Terms XV: Fan Favorites – Thussy Edition

Lebrain has wanted me to collaborate with him for a while, and I am no writer, so we decided to do a WTF Search Terms. He sent me a big list of weird search terms, and all I can say is a lot of people looking for porn found Lebrain’s blog. Also, no one can spell anymore.  So, keep reading below to find out my top ten WTF Search Terms!

10. google videos jethu tull too juong old to rock and roll and too juomg to died

“Me fail English? That’s un-possible!”

ME FAIL

9. boobsy animation whores wearing glasses acquire screwed hardcore 4 full animation

Someone was looking for some very specific porn, and ran into Lebrain.

8. toronto shemales tumblr

“If the girl did something to you but you didn’t do it back then you didn’t really do anything.”

7. videos da bada white snack

I had to include this one, because it apparently got 9 hits! Why?

6. oshawa women that like to fuck

Local easy girls, for when hookers are too expensive.

5. marilyn manson without ribs

Even I know that rumour isn’t true.

4. (Three-in-one!)
a. queensryche queensryche eyes of the strangers japan bonus
b. queensryche queensryche eye of the strangers japan import
c. queensrycheeye of the strangers japan bonus youtube

Japanese imports are very expensive.

3. sequined bathrobe

I think Lebrain has one of these.

2. poop in the shower guy

I remember when Lebrain first told me this story, still don’t understand why you would do that.

1. trailer park boys model train rod stewart

Where does Rod Stewart fit into this? “You know what, Patrick Swayze uses illegal parts. That is why he’s winning all the time.”

 

Part 257: Sexy Beast

RECORD STORE TALES Part 257:  Sexy Beast
Or: should a cockney accent be mistaken for a foreign language?

This guy, “Big Daddy Dave,” came into the store to return a movie he bought.  That DVD was Sexy Beast, starring Ben Kingsley and Ray Winstone. Great movie, British mobster flick. If you’ve seen it (and I recommend that you do) then you know the accents are quite thick — but also that the movie is still in English.  In fact I recommended the movie to Big Daddy Dave and was surprised to see him return with it in hand.

He walked up to the counter and said, “Yeah, I want a movie that’s in English.” So I explained to him that Sexy Beast was in English. Ray Winstone and Ben Kingsley are, in fact, both English. “That movie was in English? But I couldn’t understand a damned word they said!”

As my mother-in-law says, “You can’t fix stupid”.

BEAST