Sunday Chuckle: Dem Shoes!

I took a little bit of online flak for this picture, but I think it’s funny.  This was a McDonalds in Cambridge Ontario.  The combination of the track pants, the lazy half-assed wearing of the shoes, and the golden arches struck my funnybone.

It’s OK if you don’t think this is funny.  I’m cool with that.  But don’t be a dick about it.  I wouldn’t take a picture of a homeless person, or a disabled person, but lazy people seem like fair game to me.

I mean, just look at dem shoes.

#665: Rant Random II: A Canadian Complaint

A sequel to Getting More Tale #509:  Rant Random



GETTING MORE TALE#665: Rant Random II: A Canadian Complaint

Saturday, March 3 2018 was a gorgeous afternoon.  Because I had been on the radio from 12:30 to 2:30 am, I didn’t get out that morning.  I usually like to run my errands before noon on the weekends if possible, when things are less busy.  I needed my beauty sleep that day.  That’s how I keep my youthful looks after all.

With the windows down, I hit “play” on Rush’s Clockwork Angels and headed out.  The sound of “The Wreckers” filled my speakers.  Stop #1 was McDonalds.  The parking lot was pretty full so I knew they’d be busy, but what I saw upon entry really pissed me off.

You know those kiosk terminals you can order from now?  My McDonalds has four.  And all four were being taken up by a single family.  A mom, a dad, and two young children were all ordering separately…and slowly.

“Mommy!  Mommy!  What do I push now?” said the young girl, as her mom was ordering for herself.  “Here sweety,” she said as she paused her own order to help the child.  On the other side, dad was doing the same for the son, who couldn’t figure out how to order.  Then, they all passed around a debit card so they could each pay.  I stood there at the front of a loose “line”, watching this unfold in agonisingly slow detail.

As soon as the little girl finished on her terminal, I jumped on, to emphasise my pissed-off-ness.

Parents:  It’s really nice that you used a Saturday at lunch hour rush to teach your children (separately) how to order from a McDonalds terminal, but don’t you think there are better lessons to learn?  Such as how to take turns and share something?

Back to the car with the food, and back to Clockwork Angels with windows down.  Next up:  first single, “Headlong Flight”.  I drove over to Tim Horton’s to get Jennifer a coffee.  Yes, they serve coffee at McDonalds (and some would say better coffee) but I had to make a special stop because Mrs. LeBrain does not drink anything but Horton’s.  And it was a nice day, and a great album to hear with the windows down.

My second complaint of the day, and a frequent one:  if you’re in the drive-through at Tim Horton’s, and it’s busy, don’t leave an entire car length between you and the car in front of you.  There’s nothing more frustrating than being next in line, but not being able to get close enough to the speaker to order.  If the guy in front had just moved ahead a few feet (he had plenty of room) this wouldn’t be an issue.

So I rolled down the windows a little further and let the parking lot hear some “Wish You Well” from Clockwork Angels.  That’s Geddy Lee and he’s a national treasure, people.

Coffee in hand, I headed back home with Geddy, Neil and Alex.  Not a bad album to go out on, by the way.  If you have to retire it’s nice to be able to go out on a high note like Rush did.  It felt like a very Canadian afternoon — out celebrating a warm day in March; always a joy when it happens.  It’s great to be Canadian, where the biggest complaint you have is about the line at Tim Horton’s.  Keeping our minor peeves in perspective, let’s be glad to be Canadian.

Sunday Chuckle: No Quarter (by Mrs. LeBrain)

Currency is a method used to pay for goods and services in the country or region where these good and services are provided.  Its denominations are very specific and exact.  Often, the customer cannot pay the vendor an exact amount so the vendor is required to return the difference to the customer to complete the transaction.  This action is commonly referred to as making “change”.

Money is highly recognisable to its users.  Larger denominations are made of universally sized paper and plastic sheets referred to as “bills”.  Smaller denominations are metal pieces with a circular shape in a variety of sizes known as “coins”.  The different sizes typically indicate value so they can easily be detected and assessed by their users.  Many nations have ‘coins’ very similar in colour and shape, but with the value of these coins being so small, most users cannot be bothered to examine these pieces closely to confirm authenticity.

A common coin in Canada is known as a “quarter” which has a value of 25 cents.  (1/4 of a dollar) To put this into perspective, my daily coffee costs about eight quarters and an ass-kicking rock CD would cost Lebrain about 80 of these things.

One afternoon, after having a morning coffee with one of my girlfriends, we decided to visit the “Golden Arches” for a quick and unhealthy lunch.  The order came out to $11.25, and for once I had EXACT change (woot!!!).  I reached into my purse and pulled out my ten dollar bill, my one dollar coin (known in Canada as a ‘Loonie’) and what I thought was a “quarter”.

The cashier and her supervisor examined the coin closely and gave it back to me.

McD:  “What is this?”

Me:  “A quarter.”

McD:  (In a rude, shaming tone) “No it isn’t and we can’t accept it from you”

I took the coin back and gave the cashier a fifty dollar bill (making her provide me with a lot of change to complete the transaction.  It turns out the “quarter” was a Swiss Franc with an exchange value of $1.27 CAD.

Their loss, my gain.  I just hope they didn’t spit in my fries.

Mrs. LeBrain

#547: The Redemption of the Worst McDonalds Ever

Getting More Tale #547: The Redemption of the Worst McDonalds Ever
The sequel to #536: Worst. McDonalds. EVER.

I’ve been visiting the “worst McDonalds ever” regularly in the past few weeks.  All McDonalds stores have been renovated since the 2006 disaster area we encountered in the last installment.  They’ve made a number of changes to their menu and how you order.

Where a typical McDonalds used to have a huge counter full of cash registers to order, now they have just one.  This is because they have switched over to an automated ordering/paying system using touch-screen kiosks.  You might think that removing the human element is a bad thing.  When it was first rolled out, it seemed things got slower.  Today is another story.

Using the former “worst McDonalds ever” as an example, service is now much faster and accurate.  You don’t have to get in line.  Just walk in and stroll up to a kiosk.  Follow the instructions on screen and touch what you want to order.  You can do it as a combo, and you can change sizes quite easily.  Making modifications is easy peasy.  The kiosk then reviews your order and asks you to confirm it.  Once this is done, you can either pay by debit or credit card right at the kiosk, or go to the cash register to pay.

The kiosk spits out your receipt with a number.  That number then appears on a big screen that says “now serving”.  Your number climbs to the top when your order is ready.  Usually this happens quickly.

It used to be the case that we didn’t like to get McDonalds “to go” because by the time you get back, the fries are cold.  Everybody knows McDonalds fries are best when they are piping hot.  Cold McDonalds fries just don’t cut it.  I am pleased to report that I can go to the former “worst McDonalds ever” and get back to the office in time with hot fries. My turnaround time is usually 15-20 minutes from door to door.  Additionally, my order has been right every time. It seems the new kiosk system has cut down on human error.

This is all just personal experience; I have been to a few of the new McDonalds and only had a bad experience once, in Ottawa, when the new system was first introduced.  That McDonalds was drowning in confusion and upset customers, including one who claimed this was the “worst McDonalds ever”.  That first time aside, food has been fast and accurate since.

What does this mean in terms of general retail?  Automated checkout is becoming more and more common.  As long as the speed and quality remain in good standing, this trend will continue.  It will probably not impact the music business very much.  Most people who go shopping in a music store go there partly because there are humans to interact with.  As long as music stores exist, so will manual checkouts.  Of course, many folks (myself included) buy a huge chunk of their music from online retailers.  However when we do visit a music store, we want a flesh and blood human being there.

Good for McDonalds for improving their service.  I think the music business will continue on its own path.


#546: Worst. McDonalds. EVER.

GETTING MORE TALE #546: Worst. McDonalds. EVER.


The year: 2006

The place: McDonalds, Hespeler Rd. Cambridge


I don’t consider myself a snobbish foodie.  Yes, I like to go out and have a lovely duck confit, or rosemary lamb chops.  However I’m not picky, I’ll eat almost anything, as my gut will attest to.  I saw Super Size Me, and I’ve ordered almost everything on the McMenu once.  McDonalds are usually pretty clean…but not always.  Some in fact were downright gross.  The worst one?  Even the pissy McD’s we visited near Flint Michigan could not compete with Cambridge Ontario on the gross scale.

I was out with Jen and her friends.  It was a late night of card playing, and I wanted to just head home, but I was outvoted by the other three.  The only place that was open that late was McDonalds.  I could always go for a Big Mac, so why not?

Upon entering, we debated leaving immediately, but there was nowhere to go.  If only I had a cell phone camera back then…the scene we witnessed was an apocalypse for the record books.  In the main eating area of the restaurant, food was all over the floor and tables.  Bits of burgers smooshed onto the floor.  Fries everywhere.  Ketchup, salt, containers…the entire area was a complete disaster.  It looked as if a bunch of highschool kids had just had a food fight and left (which is probably close to the truth).

One of the staff emerged from the back room with cleaning supplies.  He took one look at the main eating area and paused.

“Woah,” he said, and returned to the back room with his cleaning supplies, not to be seen again.

I guess the place wasn’t going to get cleaned up that night!  It sure didn’t look like a manager was working.

My buddy Craig, from 107.5 Dave Rocks, raises the “worst McDonalds ever” stakes with a tale of his own.  Unlike me, he has photographic proof.  It was in Milton, on highway 25.  He entered the restroom to find that a patron before him left an “inside the park home run”.  If you’re not familiar with the terminology, an “inside the park home run” in this case refers to someone taking a shit in a urinal.  There was no conceivable reason for anyone to leave a shit in the urinal.  Baffled, disgusted and nauseous, Craig snapped a photo and handed it over to the manager.  The manager responded by offering him his drink cup.

Pictures or it didn’t happen?  Do not, under any circumstances, click the link to the evidence.

This is your final warning.  Do. not. click. the link.

*** GRAPHIC *** Inside the park home run *** GRAPHIC ***


You don’t see that every day.  A home run for the record books.

What happened to my (not Craig’s) “worst McDonalds ever”?  Find out in the next chapter.

#401: SIGHTING! Rasputin & the Hobbit

#401: SIGHTING! Rasputin & the Hobbit

A few weeks ago, Mrs. LeBrain was feeling generous and treated me to a rare breakfast at McDonalds.  We don’t go very often, but our closest McDonalds has a “freestyle machine” allowing you to create any number of soft drink combinations, a really cool draw.  It was my buddy Craig who hyped the machine to me – “The closest thing we have to Cherry Coke Zero in Harperland,” he says.  Plus the egg McMuffin is only 290 calories; I know that because of the ad that runs endlessly every night on TV!

We sat down with our McMuffins and breakfast burritos, but as I was picking a table, something caught my eye.  It’s not often that I recognize my old Record Store customers in public, but how could I forget Rasputin and the Hobbit?

T-Rev and I shared the story of these two gross individuals in Part 276 of the original Record Store Tales.  “HH was known for her outrageous makeup,” I said.  She was also known for riding a bike in a short skirt, on her way to sell us some crappy dance CDs.  “The ‘Hobbit’ with ripped nylons and the short skirt with her ass hanging out…yuck!” remembered T-Rev.   Rasputin was the silent type.  He would merely nod yes or shake his head no, at whatever offer we had given them for their CDs.  I don’t know if I have ever heard him speak.

It was actually Rasputin (“Razzy” for short) I spotted first.  You just don’t forget a guy who looks like that.  Shaggy unkempt black beard, same with the hair.  It was him, which by process of elimination meant his companion was HH the Hobbit.  She has changed a bit, but not entirely.  The makeup and short skirts are gone, but she still possesses the gross-out factor.  When I sat down, her bare feet were in Razzy’s lap, right in the McDonalds.   It was like that train wreck that I couldn’t look away from.  I noticed Razzy was wearing dress shoes with no socks.  Just like the old days, Hobbit did all the talking.  Her voice was unmistakable.

I managed to get a couple pictures.  Not of her feet in his lap, but I did acquire photographic proof that Rasputin the Mad Monk, and HH the Hobbit, are still alive and well in Kitchener Ontario.

WTF Search Terms: Fan Favourites – D ‘RAGEQUIT’ edition


WTF Search Terms XXVI: Fan Favourites – D ‘RAGEQUIT’ edition

LeBrain readers may recall D’s experimental instrumental music from a couple reviews that I posted here last year. D wanted to take a guest shot at WTF Search Terms — the bizarre search terms that I sometimes find has brought people here to  From that heap of puzzlement and filth, D has picked his 10 favourites.  Enjoy!

1. gene simmons is a wanker

And a plonker, muppet, and bellend. I enjoy British swear words too!

2. film porno women shit and piss

This must have been a list of “to-do’s”

1. Film porno
2. Women?
3. Shit
4. And piss

3. animation whores weaing glasses acquire screwed 7

One of the failed operating systems programmed by Microsoft. Still not as bad as Vista.

4. i would like to hear a song on the cults weapon of choice album

Um, me too I guess. I’m more partial to their record Sonic Temple.

5. porn mcgangbang

The original name for McDonald’s Big Mac. Too bad they changed it, children could have learned some new vocabulary to tell mom and dad!

6. guy porn fuck she male real play mp4 down

Would you like some coffee with your LSD?

7. silent knight porn

The modern twist on an old Christmas classic!

8. Imanokoff

We are all nokoffs friend.

9. swedish made penis

Not interested, I like my Welsh penis just fine.

10. david lee roth in assless chaps

What the fuck is wrong with you man?!?!?! Nobody wants to see that. I’m still recovering from seeing the 2007 reunion concert and watching Diamond Dave balance a top hat on his ding-a-ling!!!! I’m not fucking kidding!!!!!

Thanks D for this disturbing installment of WTF Search Terms!  Check out his music at Mixolydian Blog!

WTF Search Terms: McGangBang edition

Kyle makes a McGangBang sandwich. One Junior Chicken + one McDouble and some assembly required.

WTF Search Terms XIII:  McGangBang edition

Welcome to WTF Search Terms on your Monday morning.  There seems to be a clear forerunner in search terms that lead people to this time:  dirty things!

    1. porn video lebrani gay
    3. sineplex sex mouvie
    4. cum disgrace
    5. www. fuk sexcom
    6. raging shemale tumblr
    7. top 10 classic japan porn. 1990
    8. flashing tits, san diego, 2013
    9. b
    10. tits añd sd
    11. don’t go alone porn
    12. that is my jovy,, i’m voyeur
    13. sex lebrain
    14. rio warner fetish
    15. hande sex starpicture
    16. german leather ass
    18. fuaking gali
    19. douche tales
    20. ane budi fuk me eyse le sexy store

If you liked this, you may also enjoy:  WTF Search Terms XI: Health & Safety edition