THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN
PHASE TWO: THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

Chapter Twenty-Six: The Final Chapter

By Harrison Kopp

Shinzon, the renegade clone of El Moustachio, was having a bit of an existential crisis. Again. Since escaping Marshall Lokjaw and choosing Hawaii to lay low, he had found life to be quite uneventful.  And it was kind of bothering him.

As he walked back to his volcanic lair underneath Diamond Head, after yet another day working in a grocery store, he took a few moments to reflect on his existence now.

Is this really living? Just existing without purpose, spending all your time surviving? Do people just do this every day until they die?

Since killing the Brainiac and fulfilling his number one goal in his short life, he’d been without direction. He was only hiding here out of necessity, as Tyranus had put a very large bounty on his head, and he was going a little stir crazy.

There were admittedly some benefits to the peaceful life. It was less stressful, allowing him to slow down focus on the smaller things. Each day gave him unique reasons to smile. In theory. He just wished people would stop asking about his hook hand. It was a souvenir from his battle with the Brainiac, but he sure as hell wasn’t going to be telling anyone that.

And there would be no smiling at the moment, for Shinzon’s ruminations were cut short when he stubbed his toe on something.

“Ow!” he cried, frantically looking around to see if anyone had heard him. It seemed not. He looked down to see a piece of metal sticking out of the ground.  It glinted in the sun, one corner freshly cleaned from a recent rain storm.  The rain must have unearthed it…whatever it is, thought Shinzon.

Reaching down, Shinzon pulled hard. It took a fair amount of force to dislodge it from its earthy prison, but he managed. He turned it over in his hand and examined it. It looked like it had been there for an incredibly long time. The dirt was caked into every crevice. Curiously though, the metal was pristine underneath. And it smelled of alcohol.

This could be worth further study he thought to himself, putting it in his backpack. He continued his ascent, once again allowing himself to become lost in thought regarding his future plans.

Finally making it up the mountainside to the entrance to the lair, he pressed the concealed button and entered the hatchway. After putting the supplies he’d bought in the “fridge” (actually the air conditioning unit from the Quadjumper), he placed the strange device on the workbench and went to sleep. It could wait until tomorrow.

However, unbeknownst to Shinzon, and the rest of the residents on Hawaii, things were about to get a lot more exciting the next day, because as they slept on this warm night, a flying saucer of Martian origin touched down in the forest outside the town. Out from it emerged three aliens, who quickly disappeared into the night.

 

---

The following morning, inside Deke’s Palace, Tee Bone Man and Superdekes were up bright and early and hard at work looking over everything they knew about Shinzon. It wasn’t much. To them, he was a Lego thief who had disappeared during an earlier adventure. The next they heard of him, he had inexplicably reappeared to murder the Brainiac.  This particular incident would lead to a vengeful Dr. K (Brainiac’s sister) confronting our heroes and demanding they end Shinzon for his part in her brother’s death. And she meant business.

But at the very least, they had confirmed that Shinzon was on Earth. That meant that it was just a matter of finding him. Tee Bone was currently scouring the internet for any mentions of his name that weren’t Star Trek related (not easy), and Deke was reading the findings from the other members of the Northern Lights.

The ring of the doorbell disrupted their workflow. Deke answered it to find the local mailman out of breath.

“*Huff*… *huff* Someone *huff* wanted this to get to you,” he said, handing Deke a mostly flat package. The tell-tale sign of a record.

“Thank you,” Deke said, taking the record. “There’s a water fountain on the grounds about 30 metres that way.”

The mailman let out an appreciative exhale as Deke closed the door and began to unbox the package. Sure enough it was the album he’d expected, on Thalarian green coloured vinyl at that.

This particular record wasn’t easy to come by. The KMA eastern offices had pulled double time with their grail list searchers to find it. But they had come through, and Deke now held in his hands a copy of the only vinyl edition of Jerry Goldsmith’s Star Trek: Nemesis score. It was the film that Shinzon’s creator had taken the pleasure of sourcing the clone’s name.

Deke returned to the theatre room (they were using the bigger screen to better scour security camera footage) and put side A of the soundtrack on, before going back to work. But it wasn’t long before the skipping of the record (harder to discern than usual due to the lack of vocals) got the two heroes’ attention.

“Tee! Danger vibes!” Deke exclaimed. “Just as we’d hoped.”

The skipping of the record was then joined by the ringing of their secure video call line. This could only mean one thing.

 

 

Tee Bone ran over to the computer and answered the call. The video connection was operating, but the camera seemed to have been angled too low, as all our two heroes could see was one very muscly chest.

“Mes amis!” came the voice of who they recognized as Jex Rambo through the stacks of Marshall amplifiers arranged in a 5.1 Surround Sound configuration.

“Jex!” Tee Bone excitedly said. “Great to see you. Want to have that discussion about Done With Mirrors we were planning?”

“I’m afraid I’m calling on official Durling Foundation business this time, Monsieur,” Jex replied. “Last night our long-range sensors detected an unknown object enter the atmosphere and land in Hawaii. The engine emissions match those of the Martian UFO you brought back last year.”

“I knew it was a good idea to let them take a look at that UFO we stole from Mars. Can’t believe Snowman didn’t want to lend it to them,” Deke said, though he was quite puzzled by the strand of dyed blonde hair they’d found on the back seat. Maybe a DNA test would reveal who else had been in the ship, and when.

“We’re sending over some agents to investigate,” Jex continued.  “I think we could use your help on this one.”

Tee Bone cast a glance at Deke. It would seriously derail their search for Shinzon.  They only had 30 days to find him, per their temporary truce with Dr. K, but they’d always help a friend in need. Deke nodded in the affirmative.

“We’re in.”

“Excellent. We’ll be testing out a new stealth jet we’ve been working on so we’ll be find you once we’ve touched down there.”

“It’ll be late by the time we all get there. Get a good night’s rest and we’ll meet up in the morning.”, Jex said as he signed off.

---

 

“Do you see them?” Deke asked, hoping.

“It’s not easy to spot him in this crowd you know,” Tee Bone replied. “Lots of shirtless tourists.”

But it turns out they didn’t need to find Jex, as he found them first.

“Mes amis!” Jex Rambo shouted from behind them.

The two heroes spun around to see the recognizable abdominal section of Jex Rambo. Handshakes were in order, before Tee Bone sharply cut to business.

“Our previous encounter with Martians indicated they were interested in replacing key members of our society with doubles. But we atomised their leader.” he said

“They must be reporting to someone higher then,” Jex mused. “It will be hard to track them down in this city. We’ll have to split up.”

“Alright.” Deke spoke up. “Why don’t you check on the governor and make sure he’s all accounted for in the past 24 hours. We’ll do a little investigating among the populace.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Jex replied.  “Now, let’s see if we can find these aliens.”  The trio went to work asking around the town and looking for clues.

 

 

Very nearby, Shinzon was engaged in one of the most sacred of domestic rituals: the washing of the laundry. Of course, he had no way to do this in his volcano lair, and so he was currently putting change into the washing machine at town laundromat.

How has my life come to this? He thought to himself. I was destined for greatness.  Although, to be fair, the chances of being murdered in a laundromat are pretty slim. Maybe this isn’t so bad after all.

He pressed the start button and turned around to take a seat and wait.

A little while later he looked up and an icy shot of fear went straight through his heart. Walking right up to the door of the laundromat was none other than Tee Bone Man and Superdekes.

It only took them a minute. The two men had entered and looked around.  Nothing much looked out of the ordinary.  That was, until they got to the washing machine where Shinzon had been sitting mere moments before.

“Hey Tee, come take a look at this,” Deke said, motioning towards the washing machine.

Tee Bone walked over and the two studied the contents of the machine. They didn’t recognise the silver and blue jumpsuit Shinzon usually wore into action, but they did notice it.

“This looks odd, almost alien even,” Deke said. “But what is it doing in one of these machines?”

“Well, it’s almost done. Let’s just wait here and see who comes to collect it,” Tee Bone replied.

Shinzon watched the two men take a seat from inside the wardrobe he was hiding in. This was not good.

But luck was on Shinzon’s side today however, because only a minute before the load was due to finish a great cacophony of sounds caught the attention of the two heroes. From outside came the echoes of screams, car brakes and the smashing of metal.

Tee Bone and Deke immediately sprang into action, running outside to face whatever was out there, which turned out to be just a car crash. However, a superhero is always on call.  They still lent their aid, Tee Bone’s super strength helping remove the twisted metal trapping one of the drivers.  Other than that, there was some damage to the building, but everything appeared to be fine. Most of the people appeared to have panicked and left the scene already, and no one was hurt.

The two men re-entered the laundromat, only to find the machine they had previously been staking out completely empty.

“Blast!” Deke cursed.

Tee Bone radioed Jex.  “Hey Jex, we’re at the laundromat and we think someone with valuable intel just left here. If you’re nearby, keep an eye out for someone carrying a silver and blue jumpsuit.”

“Got it,” crackled Jex’s reply.

 

 

Shinzon’s luck had just ran out.  Having cleared the city limits, he thought he was home-free. He thought wrong. Before him stood three Martians, all blocking his path.  There was only one thing he could do now, but it meant bringing the men he had just escaped right to him.

Pulling a flaregun from his pocket (the closest thing he had to a weapon) he fired directly at the sky and ran for his life up the mountain side.

Meanwhile, the man known only as the Night Ranger, an enforcer for the Durling Foundation, continued to prowl the rooftops. His black cowl concealed his face beneath.  The commotion near the laundromat had not escaped his attention, and he was now listening out for any clues as to what happened. One conversation in particular caught his attention.

“It was like an evil koala or something,” a young woman said. This could be something Night Ranger thought to himself.

But before he could follow this thread further, his attention was immediately drawn to the sound of an explosion from the jungle nearby. He looked over to see a bright red flare burning in the sky.

“Night Ranger, come in!” came Jex’s voice from his radio.

“I see it,” Night Ranger said, already running in that direction, his cape a blur behind him.

“Tee Bone and I are already en route,” Jex continued.

“Understood,” Night Ranger replied, altering the direction he was heading in.

---

 

Shinzon was tearing up the mountainside as fast as his legs could carry him, but the Martians continued their dogged pursuit. A searing laser blast sizzled past his ear and vaporised a tree in front of him. He was running out of time and luck.

He dared not drop the bag of laundry. If he got out of this he would need the jumpsuit within.

Finally reaching the concealed entrance to his lair, he practically dove headfirst into it through the foliage. Several laser blasts atomised the leaves obscuring the hole. He only had seconds before the Martians were upon him.

He got to his feet and tore through the tunnels towards the Quadjumper’s cave. Twisting and turning through the tunnels, he was sure he’d lost his pursuers. But that was far from the case, he would discover when he entered a large cave room. At the exact moment the Martians and our heroes converged on that very location.

“YOU!” Tee Bone growled.

The enraged superhero struck a violent power chord so hard that he broke two of the strings on his guitar. The sonic wave picked up Shinzon and slammed him violently against the cave wall.

A great rumbling filled the tunnel. Cracks began to appear in the walls, as steaming orange liquid began to ooze out of then.

“Oh shit…” Tee Bone exclaimed with his eyes wide.

Rocks began to fall, separating the three groups from one another.

The way forward was now blocked in this tunnel. From beyond the rubble cave was heard the harsh sound of Martian speech. But the cave network was multi-latticed, and Tee Bone knew there’d be a way through in one of the previous tunnels they’d passed. He began to run, but Deke attempted to grab him.

“We can’t Tee! We have to get out of here!” Deke pleaded.

“No! He’s going to pay for what he did!”

“I know, and he will. But it’s too dangerous. Trust me. We have to go now.”

Tee Bone paused for a second, then nodded.  “Alright.”

The two men turned around and sprinted for the way they came. They retraced their steps back, skipping around pools of magma seeping up and falling from above, like a real-life game of “The Floor is Lava”. They reached the exit with not a moment too soon, as the entire cave behind them flooded.

Without a second’s hesitation, Tee Bone grabbed Deke and flew them back down the mountain to the outskirts of the city. They’d be safe from any lava here, short of a full-on eruption.

 

 

Looking upwards, they could see the Quadjumper in the lower atmosphere, with an alien UFO in hot pursuit. Tee Bone prepared to take off after it, but Jex stopped them.

“Don’t worry, I have a guy on this,” the muscly man said.

And sure enough, Jex made good on his word. Mere moments later a black stealth jet streaked past the trio and blasted towards the upper atmosphere, quickly overtaking the martian UFO.

“Night Ranger!” Jex cried into his radio. “You read me buddy?”

“Loud and clear,” came a mechanically distorted voice “Don’t start thinkin’!  I’m gaining on the fleeing ship.  I can almost see their faces…”

“Shoot him down!” Tee Bone yelled into the radio.

The jet was almost in striking range, but a blinking red light on the console alerted Night Ranger to a problem. A failure in one of the coolant pumps. “Damn!  Can’t find me a thrill…”  He had to abort.

“I’m sorry guys, but there’s been a technical malfunction here.  One of the cooler pumps that goes directly into the Streamyard unit have completely failed.  It’s frozen up.  I have to withdraw,” he radioed down to his friends on the ground.

“No!” Tee Bone yelled.

“Sorry,” Came Night Rangers apologetic voice over the radio.  “It’s a mechanical failure…the tech in this jet is all analog.  I’ll crash if I try to pursue.  Blame Mr. Durling for his obsession with this old 80s stuff.”

The stealth jet disengaged and headed back to the surface, but the alien UFO continued right past it, lasers blazing.  Tee Bone Man responded immediately, and got himself into the air.  “We want Shinzon alive!” he announced, and aimed his guitar carefully for a shot that would disable the engines.  He could fly beneath, and bring it to a safe landing.  Or, less lethal landing anyway.  If his aim was just right….

The UFO also had its sights on Shinzon, and its occupants did not care if he was alive or dead.  They continued to fire laser blasts directly on the Quadjumper.  Several of them found their mark on the Quadjumper’s rear, exploding into green splashes of colour and leaving dark scorch marks.  Helpless to stop it, Tee Bone gasped.  Softly landing, he watched what unfolded next.

In the cockpit, Shinzon was frantically trying to keep his ship moving upwards. As the sparks and steam clouded his vision, he desperately looked around for the fire suppression lever. But it was actually the strange device he had discovered on Earth that drew his attention.

It began to grow warm and vibrate gently. The stench of Scotch filled the cockpit.  Then, an instant later, the Quadjumper was enveloped in a deep gold explosion, and ceased to exist in Tee Bone’s universe.

Tee Bone stared at the sky ahead, viewing the aftermath of the explosion the Quadjumper had disappeared into.

“Good riddance,” he shrugged.  “We can hope.”

 

---

Later that day, the heroes were meeting up in a local restaurant for lunch before heading back to Canada. The rest of the morning had been pretty uneventful. The aliens had left the Earth after seemingly completing their mission, and our heroes were now enjoying a quiet moment of reflection while eating.

Jex had also taken the time to properly introduce Tee Bone and Deke to the Night Ranger.

“I’ve been here this whole time. Just incognito,“ the masked hero said.  “I have to cover my face in public when buying Bon Jovi records at the local Walmart.”

The group nodded in understanding.

“How come we never saw you then?” Deke quizzed him.

“I’m good at my job,” was the reply.

“Haha. Well you’ll have to teach us your ways sometime,” Deke laughed.

“So what happens now?” Jex asked Tee Bone.

“Well Dr K should be off our backs now.  And our Shinzon problem is solved too,” Tee Bone said. “With a little luck I think we might have a bit of peace and quiet in the coming months.”

“That sounds good to me buddy,” said Deke.  “I could use some R&R – that’s rock and roll!”

Outside the restaurant, the quartet said their goodbyes.

“You take the stealth jet home,” said Tee Bone.  “I feel like flying.”  Tee Bone stretched his arms into the air — and nothing happened.

“Doing some yoga, mon ami?” asked Jex Rambo.

“Hang on,” said Tee.  “Sometimes it takes a little jump to get airborne.”  He jumped, arms outstretched to the sky…and nothing.

“The hell?” asked Deke.  “I mean, I always joked that you can fly and I can’t, but this isn’t funny.  Try strumming some chords.”

Tee Bone removed the Stratocaster from his back and played a chord.  It came out muted, out of tune, and completely unamplified.

“I…can’t fly!” said Tee Bone in distress.  He tried blasting a nearby tree with the power of radioactive Scotch.  He may as well have farted in the wind, for nothing happened.

“I don’t understand what’s happening!” cried Deke.  “Try something else.  Try…up up and away?”

“It’s no use Deke!  I cannot fly!  My powers…they’re gone!”  Night Ranger and Jex Rambo looked on with great concern.

“What happened to Tee Bone Man?” screamed Deke in hysterics.

From above came a voice.  A hollow, echoey voice that was somehow familiar to the two superheroes.

“I believe I  have the answer to that,” came the voice.  Before our group appeared a spectre.  It was the visage of an elderly man, dressed in jeans and a black leather jacket.  The transparent man smiled on at Deke and Tee Bone.

 

 

“Holy shit…” said Night Ranger.  “I recognize that guy…”

“Sacre bleu!  Me too!” exclaimed Jex.

“So do I!” cried Tee Bone.  “If it isn’t William W. Roderick Stewart the Third!”

“In the flesh!” bowed the image of Stewart.  “Well, in the ectoplasm anyway.”

Jex Rambo snickered at the joke.  He was, after all, a Ghostbusters fan.  “So you are a ghost?” asked Jex.

“Indeed I am,” answered Stewart.  “I have been watching from above, in Rock and Roll Heaven, all this time.  But friends…your time is at an end.  Your duties are fulfilled.  Tee Bone’s powers were intrinsically linked to the Scotch Matrix, an object of great power.  It was hidden here in Hawaii all this time, unknown to me.  Now, the character you know as Shinzon has caused it to leave this universe.  Where it has gone, I do not know.  My powers do not extend that far.  But without it in this universe, Tee Bone Man’s Scotch based powers cannot exist.  The Scotch Matrix was a powerful artefact indeed.”

“But we have so much left to do!” said Tee Bone.  “We have to save rock and roll!  You said so yourself!”

“That I did,” answered Stewart.  “And have you not done that?  Many, many times over?  Have you not saved rock and roll from Satan, Tommy Lee, Billy Sheehan, Wicked Lester, and many more?  And now you have saved this universe from Shinzon, and the masters he served — Tyranus, and Unicron, the Eater of Worlds.  He shall not be feasting on Earth this time.”

“What are you saying, old man?  That you don’t need us anymore?  You’re cutting us loose now that Tee Bone is no longer of any use to you?” scolded Deke.

The ghost of Stewart laughed.  “Me?  No, no.  You misunderstand.  Once I left this mortal coil, I was no longer in any control.  I am merely a watcher, an observer now.  However, the universe clearly conspired to create you two in the first place.  The universe knew it was in danger, and so brought you to me, and gave you powers.  What is given can be taken away…and you have done your duty.  You have done more than enough.  And now, you may have your rewards.”

“Rewards?” asked Tee Bone.  “What rewards?”

“Exactly what you wanted!  R&R – rock and roll, plus rest and relaxation.  You can go home now, Tee Bone.  Go home.  Enjoy life, with Deke.  Play music, and never worry about danger vibes again. You may stay in Deke’s Palace forever.  It is yours, to do with as you please.  The next generation is here.  The Durling Foundation, and these two men, Night Ranger and Jex Rambo, are capable of defending the Earth.  They will not be alone.  They have the rest of the Northern Lights at their command!  The King of Sharks will defend the sea.  The Mars Man will be sent to the Red Planet to deal with the Martians.  You have the bank accounts of the Snowman, and the libraries of Mr. Books.  You have Specialist Jen Ladano watching from orbit.  For what it’s worth, Max the Axe is always on standby.  And there may be some old members of the band returning to the fold, if the universe wills it.

“Go, Tee Bone Man and Superdekes.  Now, you are simply Troy and Derek once again.  The world is in good hands.  I have…foreseen it.”

And with that and a sly wink, the spectre disappeared.

“Wait!!  We have so many questions!” exclaimed Deke.  “What is the Scotch Matrix?  Who is Unicron?”  But it was no use.  The ghost of the man who started it all had disappeared, like Obi-Wan Kenobi into the mists.

It took a moment for all this to sink in.

“You know what Deke?  I’m actually relieved,” said Tee Bone.  “I mean, it’s no secret that this job has been hard on my health.  Look at my trips to camp, for example.  I’m…I’m excited about retirement!”

“Actually…me too,” said Deke.  “More time for music,” he reasoned.

The heroes embraced, and went their separate ways.  Home.

---

 

 

Back in Canada Dr. K, was reviewing the footage sent to her from Deke. The camera feed on the stealth jet had recorded Shinzon’s demise. But her desire for revenge wasn’t satiated yet.  Shinzon couldn’t have been working alone. Tee Bone Man and Superdekes were off the hook, but someone had orchestrated her brother’s death.

And they were going to pay.

---

Shinzon, meanwhile, was intently holding his breath, and not just because he wasn’t 100% sure the ship was still airtight. All four engines were out and he was drifting Cthulu-knows-where. Life support was barely functional.

Trying the ignition again, he was rewarded as the engines coughed to life. The husk of the starship began to stagger erratically towards the nearest planetoid.  If Shinzon survived the ‘landing’, he was going to be in quite a predicament.

---

 

The farthest reaches of space

Lord Tyranus would never admit to feeling fear, but that was exactly the emotion that ran through him as he approached the dark patch of space that his terrible master resided in. He’d spoken with him many times before, but this was the first time he was doing it in person. And the first time he was facing him after such monumental a failure.

The gigantic robotic planet took up the entire viewscreen of the Sith Lord’s shuttle, and even though his master was in planet mode, Tyranus could tell he was furious.

The thunderous voice or Unicron burst forth.

“Speak! Have you ended the clone’s existence? Is the Scotch Matrix recovered?”

“N-no master. I arrived too late.” Tyranus spoke, his heart in his throat. “But…”

“There is no ‘but’!” he roared. “No more excuses! Your failures have had terrible and far-reaching consequences. Your inability to capture this loose end has now allowed him to unravel the very tapestry of my designs. You knew the Scotch Matrix was on Earth. You just had to get it. Now it could be anywhere in the grand calculus of the multiverse.”

“I’ll redouble my efforts to find him,” Tyranus squeaked out futilely.

“No, you won’t. I’ll do it myself.”

A deafening roar filled the once-Sith Lord’s ears. His robotic hands crumbled away to dust before his eyes. Then the shuttle began to shake as a loud hum developed. He looked out the viewscreen in horror. Unicron’s rings were lit up a deep glowing orange. The hum began to pulse, reverberating around. Tyranus scrabbled for the shuttle controls futilely, unable to grasp anything with the stumps at the end of his arms.

Then, with an ear-splitting crack, the planet-sized Transformer and shuttle were gone, leaving behind only empty space.

---

 

Back in the Palace our retired heroes were enjoying their first day of rest. Things had been hectic for the last three years.  The pair were enjoying this moment of slowing down. And it looked like they were going to get it. Everything Stewart said appeared to be true.  Deke’s radioactive Scotch sensors had detected a massive surge from deep within the galaxy, that could only mean one thing. The Durling Foundation’s deep-space satellites corroborated his data.  Unicron, and the Matrix, had left this universe.

For how long, they couldn’t tell. But if he ever returned, the New Northern Lights would be ready.  The Mars Man was now installed on Mars.  Mr. Books had a splendid new library to work from, provided by the Durling Foundation.  Jen was in Space, keeping a close eye on the blue planet below. For a change, all was well.  Even the Sasquatches were laying low this season.  Not a single sighting, all summer.

Deke stood by the turntable, dropping the needle on a record. A few seconds later the opening notes of Van Halen’s “Eruption” blared forth from the speakers. Tee Bone began to get lost in the music. Eddie’s playing was note-perfect.  No danger vibes.  He got up, kicked off his socks, and danced.

This was going to be a great afternoon.

---

The End…Of This Phase

The tales of Tee Bone Man and Superdekes’ exploits may be finished, but don’t worry. You’ll be seeing more from the multiverse soon. There are plenty of stories still to tell, featuring characters new and old.  Your favourites will be back soon…

The Saga continues…with the Adventures of the Northern Lights!

 

 

---

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

• Chapter Zero:  Tee Bone Man – Origins (by LeBrain)
• Chapter One: A Friend in Need (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Two: Hell Freezes Over (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Three: Hell Ain’t A Bad Place to Be (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Four: Tee Bone Man and the Rink of…Doom? (by Aaron KMA)
• Chapter Five: The Super Duper Vault (by John T. Snow)
• Chapter Six: Tee Bone Man Goes to Camp (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Seven:  The Revenge of Common Knowledge (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Eight:  Tee Bone & Deke’s Time Travelling Adventure (by 80sMetalMan)
• Chapter Nine:  Castle Communications (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Ten:  The Case of the Lost Iron Maiden Socks (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Eleven:  A Tee Bone Man Christmas (by all five of us)
• Chapter Twelve:  Lost In Space (by John T. Snow)
• Chapter Thirteen:  Clip Show (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Fourteen:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Discover the Tao (An Intermission) (By Aaron KMA)
• Chapter Fifteen: Status Acoustic – The Really Big Deal (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Sixteen:  A Crazy Crazy Night (part 1) (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Sixteen:  A Crazy Crazy Night (part 2) (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Sixteen:  A Crazy Crazy Night (part 3) (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Seventeen:  Tee Bone Man vs. Edie Van Heelin’ (by LeBrain)

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

• Chapter Eighteen:  Shinzon – Origins (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Nineteen:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes vs. the Lego (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty:  The Death of Edie Van Heelin’ (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty-One:  Fate of the Brainiac (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty-Two:  Enter:  The Durling Foundation (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty-Three:  Tee Bone Man’s NYE Extravaganza!  (By all of us!)
• Chapter Twenty-Four:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Go Back to School Part 1 (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty-Four:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Go Back to School Part 2 (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty-Five (flashback):  Tee Bone and Ripper the Squirrel Return to Camp (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty-Six:  The Final Chapter (by Harrison Kopp)

THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS:  PHASE THREE – THE UNICRON SAGA

• Chapter One:  A New Beginning

 

SPINOFFS AND SIDE QUESTS

• Noirison:  Chapter One (By Holen)
• Noirison:  Chapter Two (By Holen)
• Noirison:  Chapter Three (By Holen) 2024
• Who’s the Mole in Rock and Roll Heaven? (by 80sMetalMan)
• Shinzon – Dread and the Fugitive Mind (By Harrison Kopp)
• Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures: Chapter 1 – Farao Way From Home (By Harrison Kopp)
• Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures: Chapter 2:  Train of Consequence – Part One (By Harrison Kopp)
• Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures: Chapter 2:  Train of Consequence – Part Two (By Harrison Kopp)
• Snippison and Brainikin’s Excellent Adventure:  Chapter One
• Jen In Space:  Mission One (By LeBrain)
• Deep Black Rainbow:  The Full Concert (By 80sMetalMan)

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 1:  Edie vs. Tommy Lee in the Bouncy Castle of Doom! (By LeBrain)
• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 2:  Edie and the Quest for the Lost Lego (By LeBrain with Harrison Kopp)
• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 3:  Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation (By LeBrain)
• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 4:  Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation Part 2 (By LeBrain & MarriedandHeels)
• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 5:  Edie Meets the Wolf (by LeBrain)
• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 6:  Edie’s Winter Vacation (By LeBrain & MarriedandHeels)

THE WRITER’S ROOM

• The Writer’s Room:  Chapter One
• The Writer’s Room:  It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like a Tee Bone Man Christmas
• The Writer’s Room:  Welcome to the Writer’s Room!
• The Writer’s Room:  Empty Room
• The Writer’s Room:  Summer Holidays!
• The Writer’s Room:  New Year’s Grieve!
• The Writer’s Room:  Return of the Snowman
• The Writer’s Room:  Snowman’s Gambit
• The Writer’s Room:  Outside the Writer’s Room

 

 

Every super hero needs a vacation!  This story takes place just before Tee Bone Man’s 2023 New Year’s Eve concert, and before his first encounter with the revenge-bound Dr. K.  Cast your minds back to 2023…

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN
PHASE TWO: THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

Chapter Twenty-Five (flashback): Tee Bone and Ripper the Squirrel Return to Camp

It was before dawn at Deke’s Palace when the snow began to fall.   Silently, without making a creak or the sound of a single step, Tee Bone Man made his way out the front door.  Upon his shoulder sat a small black shape, quivering in fur, taking quick shallow breaths of the cold air.  Tee quietly closed the door and locked it behind him.  He stepped towards his car, already warmed up, and unlocked the doors.  The little black shape on his shoulder jumped down onto the passenger seat as he stepped in, revealing himself to be Ripper the Squirrel.

“That’s right buddy, road trip time,” said Tee to the small animal.  He had been getting better at learning how to speak Squirrel.  He had to!  With Moustachio lost in the multiverse and Edie Van Heelin’ gone forever, he and Deke were on their own so to speak.  Sure, they had their friends the Northern Lights by their sides, but they couldn’t speak Squirrel either (although Max the Axe claimed he had a VHS instructional tape).

Ripper squee’d some more from the passenger seat.  While Tee Bone couldn’t understand every squeak and chipper, he could get the jist.

“Road trip time buddy,” he said as he put on his seatbelt.  “We both need a break, I think.  And you get to pick the tunes!”

Ripper made some sounds that Tee Bone interpreted as a question as to their destination.

“It’s a surprise.  You’ll see.  Pick a song!”

Ripper looked at the dash controls.  His little paws began making selections.  Tee Bone watched him go from folder to folder.  He scrolled down the “I” artists, stopping on Iron Maiden.  He then scrolled the albums all the way to the end and picked Virtual IX.  Track one, “Futureal”.

“I knew it.  Blaze Bayley.  You miss Moustachio, don’t you?”  The squirrel nodded yes.

“I get it,” answered Tee with sympathy.  “This weekend we can forget all our problems for a couple days.  You’re going to love it.”

Tee Bone hit the gas and backed down the snowy drive.  The Maiden album blasted forth.

“I’m running out of my time, I’m running out of breath,
And now it’s getting so I can’t sleep at night,
In the day, feel like death!”

“That’s a little on the nose,” said Tee as they arrived at the road, and made their way north.  “This’ll be a good vacation, this time,” he assured Ripper.

The two settled in as the sun slowly made its way onto the horizon, and sprayed a fan of red across the snowy climbs of rural Thunder Bay.  There was not a single pair of eyes in the world that saw them as they made their way north.

---

A few hours and one Tim Horton’s stop later, Tee Bone and Ripper had arrived at Camp.  The little squirrel leaped into the snow in utter glee.  This was his original home!

“SQUEE SQUEE!” he declared, as he took his first pee on his home turf in ages.  Tee chuckled, shook his head, and swept the snow off the front porch before unlocking the door.  The door opened with the tinkle of breaking icicles.  He motioned his head.

“Come on buddy!  Yes, you can come in this time!  It’s perfectly safe.”

Like a dart, Ripper ran into the cabin.  Tee Bone and Ripper have returned to Camp!

Suddenly, Ripper stopped on a dime.  He skidded across the wooden floor.  Something was not right.  He sniffed the air.  What was it?  It wasn’t cabbage…it was more pungent.  It was…cheesy.  Like Parmesan…

“What’s wrong, buddy?”  Tee Bone flicked on the lights, only to see the answer before him.

In the big armchair across the main room, he sat.  Sunglasses perched upon his nose in perfect balance.  A Tilly hat, slightly askew, hiding a receding hairline and a long, blonde ponytail.  A teal doubleneck bass, perched next to the armchair.  A smug look.  It could only be one person.

“Common Knowledge…” gasped Tee Bone.  Ripper cowered behind his right leg, quivering slightly at the mention of the unmentionable.

“Good morning, Tee Bone Man.  Would you like some soup?  I’ve waited on a line of greens and blues, Tee Bone.”  The bassist smirked.  “Lock the door behind you.”  He picked up his bass, strummed a note, and the sonic boom actually slammed the door shut.

“What are you doing here, Common Knowledge?” sighed Tee Bone.  “We’re on vacation.”

With a flourish, Common Knowledge removed his sunglasses.

“What am I doing here?” he sneered.

“Yes, that’s what I asked!  What are you doing here?” said an exasperated Tee Bone.  Ripper stomped a paw on the floor to make a point.

“What am I doing here!!?” he returned again, placing the glasses back on his face.

“Are you trying to wind me up?” shouted Tee Bone.

Common Knowledge pulled a crinkled piece of paper from his pocket.  “Do you have full moon fever!?  Read this!”  He handed the paper over.  Cautiously, Tee Bone took it and removed his glasses to read.

“‘Hey, going to Camp for a few days, you are welcome to come, signed Tee Bone Man.'”  Tee Bone paused and scratched his head.   “I sent this email to Deke!” he said.

“And me!” protested Common Knowledge.

“Oh…shit…” confirmed Tee as he squinted at the recipients of the email.  “Man, I gotta take you out of my contacts list.”

He dropped his bag on the floor in surrender.  He looked down at Ripper and whispered a silent apology.

“You can stay in the guest room,” he sighed.  Common Knowledge leaped in glee.

“Hooray!  I just wanted to be with you guys!  You’re always copying me on emails, and then telling me I’m not invited.  It hurts, you know.  I may be a supervillain and I may have tried to kill you once or twice, but I do have feelings you know.”  Behind his sunglasses, his eyes were watery and red from the tears of constant rejection.  Then, he got up from his chair and ran over to hug Tee Bone.  Tee Bone backed up in instant ickiness.

“OK, OK, that’s fine, OK,” as he pushed the bassist off.  “Now go put your bass in the guest room.”

Common Knowledge twinkled in glee as he ran off with bass towards the guest room.

“I am so sorry, dude,” he sighed down to Ripper.  Ripper climbed up his leg and onto his shoulder.  “We’ll make the best of it.  Maybe he’s just lonely, like you.  Maybe Common Knowledge doesn’t really have any friends.”

Ripper shrugged.  Oh well.  They would indeed make the best of it.

---

Later that day, Tee Bone and Ripper were out in the snow, collecting wood for a fire.  Tee carried a large bundle of logs while Ripper was hustling with some twigs for starting the blaze.  Common Knowledge stood by and watched.

“What do you want me to do?” he called from the sidelines.

“Well, you’re always talking about cooking, right?” shouted Tee.  “Why don’t you start prepping the hot dogs?”

“Hot dogs!?” protested Common Knowledge, his nose all but in the clouds.  “I’m not eating hot dogs!”

“Then feel free to go hunt some lunch for yourself, because we’re having hot dogs.”  Common Knowledge stared on in disbelief.  Tee Bone shrugged.  “Listen, you partake in a batch of Tee Bone’s Gourmet Hot Dogs with us, or you can make like Ted Nugent and go catch a rabbit to eat.  Up to you.”  He continued carrying wood back to the fire spot.  Common Knowledge sighed and started walking off into the woods.

“I’ll be back!” he shouted over his shoulder.  “Keep the fire going!”

“10-4, buddy,” said Tee Bone in return.   He watched Common Knowledge disappear into the trees.  He then whispered to Ripper.  “Whew…I can’t believe that worked!”  Ripper nodded in equivalent disbelief.

“I wasn’t too mean, was I?” asked Tee Bone with a twinge of his conscience.  Ripper shook his head in an emphatic “no”.

“Trust me on these hot dogs, my friend!” he enthused.  “All the fixings, and locally farmed meat.  The best that Thunder Bay has to offer.  I also brought a batch of my signature Tee Bone Man brand chili if you like chili dogs.”  Ripper didn’t know.  He was still adjusting his palette to people-food.  Sounded good though.

The two continued to gather wood for the feast, while Common Knowledge wandered through the dense foliage.

The bassist was dressed all in white, which was fortunate, he reasoned, since it would act as winter camouflage.  The tassels on his platform boots gathered snow as he made deep footprints.  He huffed and he puffed, as the snow got deeper.

“Just like back home in Buffalo!” he gasped as he trudged through.  “No…whew…no problem at all!”  Each step took him deeper until he reached a point where he could go no further.  How do you catch a rabbit anyway?

Common Knowledge turned himself around, and started wandering in another direction.

“Here, rabbit rabbit rabbit!” he called.  His voice was deadened by the snow and trees, with no echo.

---

Back at Camp, Tee Bone and Ripper had a roaring fire going.  The flames licked the falling snow in a beautiful dance of yin and yang.

“And how is your hot dog, good sir?” asked Tee in a faux-accent, sipping a beer from a wine glass in mock-upper-class beau monde.

Ripper nibbled away at a dog covered in diced tomatoes, caramelized onions, paprika and plain old Heinz ketchup.  He squee’d in delight.

“Excellent sir, cheerio!” cheered Tee Bone.  The two laughed together in camaraderie and shared experience.  Who would have thought these two were once mortal enemies?  In this very spot a couple summers ago, Tee Bone had tried to kill the little creature.  Mind you, Ripper would have had it coming, but even in his crazed state, Tee Bone still had mercy in his heart.  Instead of killing the beast, he launched him in a rocket to Australia.  It was there that Ripper was tamed by the kind Australian superhero known as Moustachio.  And now, Ripper was back home where his adventures all began.  It was like poetry; it rhymed.

Tee Bone smiled to himself at the warm fireside.  Here he was in his happy place, away from the superhero thing, with one of his best friends.  Ripper had turned out to be a blessing.  More than a pet, more than an ally, Ripper had proven himself indispensable in the face of worsening odds.  As their enemies multiplied, Tee Bone needed Ripper at his side more than ever.

Drat, his mind was drifting back to “work”, to the superhero gig.  “Be mindful of the now,” he whispered to himself as he focused on the crackle of the fire.  He took a deeper sip of his beer and felt the warmth in his belly.  Those were some great hot dogs.  The chili was magnificent.  His best batch to date?  Possibly.  His thoughts then drifted to the after-meal tradition:  dessert.  He thought to try something new this time, a French Canadian tradition:  maple taffy.  Pouring maple syrup onto freshly gathered pure white snow was a treat he’d never tried before, but this seemed the perfect day to enjoy a new dessert.

“Too bad Deke isn’t here,” said Tee Bone to Ripper.  “Although him and Common Knowledge, that would be awkward.  Then again…where is that guy?  How long have we been sitting here?”  Ripper shrugged.  Tee Bone observed the shadows the trees made in the snow and reasoned it had been two hours, at least, since they last saw the bassist.  Both Tee and Ripper had excellent hearing — one powered by nuclear Scotch and one by natural ability.  They attuned their ears to the forest around them.

Nothing.

“Think he’s OK?” asked the human of the squirrel.

Ripper sniffed the air but had no answer.

“I’m sure he’s OK.  How much trouble could he get into out there?”

---

Common Knowledge had gotten himself into a lot of trouble.

Chasing a rabbit through the snow, Common Knowledge hit a patch of ice in clearing.  He skated across the ice in his silly platform boots, the tassels now caked in ice so thick that they tinkled like bells at his feet.  He slipped and skidded, but managed to come to a carefully balanced stop, in the middle of the icy clearing.

“I wonder why there’s so much ice in this clearing?” he wondered aloud.  He observed his surroundings and looked beneath him.  Instead of a pure white surface, he realized he was standing over a frozen pond.

“I’m on the road to ruin!” he bellowed as the ice cracked.  Cautiously and light as he could, he took a single step.  The ice cracked further under his platform heel, but he remained standing.  “OK!  You can do this Billy, you can do this!” he gasped to himself.  “Never say never!  You can do this!”  He took a second step, and a spiderweb of cracks formed immediately under his heel.  He took a deep breath and gathered his balance.  He had slid far over the pond, and safe ground was still several meters away.

“No way out, no alibis, I’ve tried my best, but I don’t understand!” he cried.  The forest answered back in silence.

Third step, and this time the ice cracked like thunder.  The bassist slipped swiftly into the black, ice cold water.  He panicked, and began thrashing in the murk.  His platform boots only hindered him as he floundered.  He gasped for breath as his Tilly hat floated away across the broken surface.  He tried calling for help, but could barely breathe, let alone scream.  “Help!  He…”  He gurgled as he went under.

---

By the time Tee Bone Man and Ripper had arrived, the bassist was blue in the face and not breathing.  They had hauled his soaking wet body out of the water, and now Tee Bone had to do something he never thought he would ever have to do.  It was not something he wanted to do.  It was duty, and only he could do it.  Ripper did not have the body strength.  He kneeled on the ground, made five compressions on the bassist’s chest…and then began to blow life-saving breaths through the bassist’s wet, cold lips.

Ripper looked away.  “Ew,” he squee’d in Squirrelese.

Common Knowledge sprang back to life in a sudden gasp!

“Tee Bone Man!  You…saved me!”

Tee Bone sat silent a moment and just responded, “…Yep.”

“I…I can’t thank you enough!” cried the bassist, going in for a hug.  Tee Bone backed off.

“Easy there pal, you’re dripping wet, let’s get you back to Camp where you can dry off.”

“Thank you Tee Bone Man…but I’m too weak to walk,” complained the bassist.

“I’ll…I’ll fly you there…just…ugh…here come on, put your arms around me.  Yeah…like that…hold tight.”  Tee Bone Man struggled to keep his hot dogs and beer in his stomach as Common Knowledge grasped his body.  He sighed.  Sometimes it sucked being the good guy.  Ripper had a firm grip on Tee Bone’s shoulders and they were ready to go.  “All right…blast off…” sighed Tee Bone with zero enthusiasm.

---

Common Knowledge was wearing a pair of Tee Bone’s pants and a jacket that belonged to Superdekes.  He warmed his hands by the fire, savouring every moment of it.  He then grabbed a scoop of maple taffy made with fresh snow and local syrup.

“Thank you for introducing me to this delicious treat, Troy!” he screamed in delight.

“Please…call me Tee Bone Man,” deadpanned the superhero.  Common Knowledge looked a little hurt, but his pain was soothed by cold maple syrup and Canadian snow.

Tee Bone’s phone rang.  He answered.  It was a video call.  From Superdekes.

“Hey pal,” said Tee as he answered.  “What’s up?”

“Hey buddy,” smiled Deke on the other end.  “Just checking in, making sure you guys got settled in at Camp alright.  Looks like you’re having a good time, sorry I got tied up here.”  Deke pointed at a desk full of paperwork behind him.  “Month end, you know.  If you want me to, I could probably be there tomorrow morning…”

Tee Bone cut him off.  “Noooo…no don’t think that’s a good idea, Deke.  Sorry.  Ummm.  Long story, but, umm…”  Tee Bone switched his phone to the front camera.  “…as you can see we have company this weekend.”  Common Knowledge looked up from his maple taffy and waved at the camera.

“Is that…is he…THAT guy of all people…is wearing my favourite Camp jacket?  The one with the hood?”

Common Knowledge flipped the hood up over his head and smiled.  His ponytail hung off to the side as he took another bite of taffy.

“Yeah…no…I’ll pass, thanks Tee Bone.”  Deke shook his head.  “See ya Monday I guess!”

“See you Monday,” sighed Tee Bone as he switched the camera back.  Ripper waved goodbye.

“This is the best vacation ever!” screamed Common Knowledge in the throes of a sugar high.  “I’m never going home!”

“Hooboy,” said Tee Bone Man with his head in his hands.  Ripper mimicked him with his paws.

“That’s a superhero’s life,” he reasoned to the squirrel.  “It’s the price, the price, price, the price you gotta pay.”

Common Knowledge produced an acoustic bass and strummed a note.  “I can’t thank you guys enough.  This is a hit song I had 33 years ago called ‘To Be With You'”.

“Oh no,” moaned Tee Bone Man.  His face sunk sullenly as he poured himself a large glass of Scotch.  “I’m gonna need this,” he said as he served himself a dram.  Common Knowledge strummed and sang at the fire, serenading the pair with his only real hit, as his captive audience wished they could simply suffer in silence.  Tee Bone sipped the Scotch, and eventually drifted off into an afternoon nap, warmed by a fire, friendship, and song.  One song.  Over, and over, and over again.

The end

 

---

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

• Chapter Zero:  Tee Bone Man – Origins (by LeBrain)
• Chapter One: A Friend in Need (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Two: Hell Freezes Over (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Three: Hell Ain’t A Bad Place to Be (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Four: Tee Bone Man and the Rink of…Doom? (by Aaron KMA)
• Chapter Five: The Super Duper Vault (by John T. Snow)
• Chapter Six: Tee Bone Man Goes to Camp (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Seven:  The Revenge of Common Knowledge (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Eight:  Tee Bone & Deke’s Time Travelling Adventure (by 80sMetalMan)
• Chapter Nine:  Castle Communications (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Ten:  The Case of the Lost Iron Maiden Socks (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Eleven:  A Tee Bone Man Christmas (by all five of us)
• Chapter Twelve:  Lost In Space (by John T. Snow)
• Chapter Thirteen:  Clip Show (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Fourteen:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Discover the Tao (An Intermission) (By Aaron KMA)
• Chapter Fifteen: Status Acoustic – The Really Big Deal (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Sixteen:  A Crazy Crazy Night (part 1) (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Sixteen:  A Crazy Crazy Night (part 2) (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Sixteen:  A Crazy Crazy Night (part 3) (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Seventeen:  Tee Bone Man vs. Edie Van Heelin’ (by LeBrain)

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

• Chapter Eighteen:  Shinzon – Origins (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Nineteen:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes vs. the Lego (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty:  The Death of Edie Van Heelin’ (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty-One:  Fate of the Brainiac (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty-Two:  Enter:  The Durling Foundation (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty-Three:  Tee Bone Man’s NYE Extravaganza!  (By all of us!)
• Chapter Twenty-Four:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Go Back to School Part 1 (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty-Four:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Go Back to School Part 2 (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty-Five (flashback):  Tee Bone and Ripper the Squirrel Return to Camp (By LeBrain)

 

• Noirison:  Chapter One (By Holen)
• Noirison:  Chapter Two (By Holen)
• Noirison:  Chapter Three (By Holen) 2024
• Who’s the Mole in Rock and Roll Heaven? (by 80sMetalMan)
• Shinzon – Dread and the Fugitive Mind (By Harrison Kopp)
• Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures: Chapter 1 – Farao Way From Home (By Harrison Kopp)
• Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures: Chapter 2:  Train of Consequence – Part One (By Harrison Kopp)
• Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures: Chapter 2:  Train of Consequence – Part Two (By Harrison Kopp)
• Snippison and Brainikin’s Excellent Adventure:  Chapter One
• Jen In Space:  Mission One (By LeBrain)
• Deep Black Rainbow:  The Full Concert (By 80sMetalMan)

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 1:  Edie vs. Tommy Lee in the Bouncy Castle of Doom! (By LeBrain)
• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 2:  Edie and the Quest for the Lost Lego (By LeBrain with Harrison Kopp)
• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 3:  Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation (By LeBrain)
• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 4:  Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation Part 2 (By LeBrain & MarriedandHeels)
• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 5:  Edie Meets the Wolf (by LeBrain)
• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 6:  Edie’s Winter Vacation (By LeBrain & MarriedandHeels)

THE WRITER’S ROOM

• The Writer’s Room:  Chapter One
• The Writer’s Room:  It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like a Tee Bone Man Christmas
• The Writer’s Room:  Welcome to the Writer’s Room!
• The Writer’s Room:  Empty Room
• The Writer’s Room:  Summer Holidays!
• The Writer’s Room:  New Year’s Grieve!
• The Writer’s Room:  Return of the Snowman
• The Writer’s Room:  Snowman’s Gambit
• The Writer’s Room:  Outside the Writer’s Room

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN
PHASE TWO: THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

Chapter Twenty-Four: Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Go Back to School (Part Two)

The bell rang loudly as the children raced back to their desks in Mrs. Powers’ classroom.

“Come on, back to your seats!   You were capable of moving faster on your way out, but not your way back in; now why would that be?” she scolded aloud.  The kids laughed, ignoring her.  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes just chuckled to themselves as they watched the chaos from the front of the room.

“School Daze, eh Tee Bone?” nudged Deke.

“Tick tock, three o’clock,” responded Tee Bone.

The kids were now all sitting attentively, waiting for Tee Bone Man and Superdekes to finish telling the story of their adventures.  While they were out at recess, Deke had sketched some diagrams on the blackboard.

“So, kids, like we were saying earlier, our adventures were about to get a lot more serious.  We told you about our friend Mr. Moustachio.”  Tee Bone noticed that Ripper the squirrel was perched outside the window now, listening to this part of the story.

“The day came when we met Moustachio, for what turned out to be the last time.”  Tee Bone fought to keep his composure.  “It was a crazy, crazy night!  Our adventure took us all the way to an island in the Caribbean; it’s really nice and warm there, which is fine, but we had to fight a bunch of bad guys in the middle of a deadly amusement part!  That was scary, wasn’t it Deke?”

Deke had sketched some illustrations.  “That’s right Tee,” he answered.  He pointed to a picture of a dinosaur and a rollercoaster.  “I had to navigate this shady amusement park ride, while you wound up in the hall of mirrors!”

“I don’t mind telling you kids, that was scary.  Fortunately, it was there we met up with Moustachio and Ripper one more time.”

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter 16: A Crazy Crazy Night Part One]

“He saved your tail, if I recall,” reminded Deke.  “Either way, we had to stop a man called Wicked Lester.  And you know from that name alone, he’s not on our side.”

“He had rigged this whole island against us.  From a ‘Psycho Circus’ to a weird creepy rusty kitchen.  It was a bad, bad scene, kids!” exclaimed Tee Bone with a wide expression on his face.

“Fortunately, our good friend the Snowman came along to help us,” added Deke.

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter 16: A Crazy Crazy Night Part Two]

“And don’t forget the Brainiac,” added Tee Bone Man.  “He came in with a last-minute save, rest his soul.”

A child in the middle row of the classroom raised her hand like a dart.

“Wait a minute, you were on island in the Caribbean?” she asked sceptically.

Tee Bone nodded affirmative.  “That’s right.”

“And your friends just happened to arrive in time?  Isn’t the Caribbean thousands of kilometers away from here?”

Tee Bone’s mouth was about to open to answer, but the kid kept at him.

“And they all just happened to make it there on time?”  The girl crossed her arms in disbelief.  “This sounds made-up.”

“They had their own transportation,” explained Deke.  “Listen, we’re alive today because of them.”

“Hold up, hold up!”  The kid was not taking this sitting down.  She stood and raised her arms in the air.  “They had their own transportation to the Caribbean?  Are all your friends billionaires?”

“No!  Well, just one.  Maybe two.”  Tee Bone then calmly walked to the girl’s desk and whispered in her ear.  “Listen kid.  Stop asking questions.  If you ask questions it’ll stop making sense, so just sit down in your little chair and keep it zipped!”  Tee Bone made a zipper movement across his lips with his hand.  “Zip it!”

The girl sat quietly in her chair and stuck out her tongue.

“Anyway!  Don’t worry about minor details. Boring stuff!  Trust me!  The point is, we got off the island after we saved the world, again!”

“Well,” interrupted Deke.  “Most of us got off the island.”

A kid in the front gasped.  “What happened?”

“This’ll take some explaining,” began Deke, “But I assume you kids like movies.  Have you seen Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness?”  A couple kids raised their hands.  “Well, I got news for you kids.  Me and Tee Bone…”  The teacher Mrs. Powers glared at him from the back.  “I mean, Tee Bone and I discovered that the multiverse is real.  Everything that exists here and now…also exists in other universes, some identical to ours and most of them vastly different.”  Deke started making sketches on the blackboard of what a whole bunch of universes might look like.  “So out there somewhere, a place so distant from us that we don’t have way to measure it or even a word for how vast the multiverse is…out there somewhere is another you, another me, another Powers, another Tee Bone.  And the reason we know that is because our friend Moustachio is lost out there in it.”

“What happened?!?” shrieked a kid in the back.

“We don’t exactly know,” said Deke.  “We know there was a flash of orange light, and our friend disappeared like that.”  He snapped his fingers.  “But we’ve studied all the evidence we have, and everything says ‘multiverse’.  It’s real and that’s where our friend is right now.”

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter 16:  A Crazy Crazy Night Part Three, and Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures]

“Wow,” said Mrs. Powers.  “This is going to make the next science class seem boring by comparison, and you know these kids will be asking multiverse questions that I cannot answer.  You know that, right Deke?  Right Tee Bone?”  Her eyes shot icicles at the two men.  A bead of sweat ran down Tee Bone’s nose and onto his lip.  It quivered in fear.  A feeling the man was simply not used to.

“I…gotta go use the washroom,” said Tee Bone.  “Deke, you wanna handle this next part?”

Deke shrugged.  “I guess I have to.  I should have drank two double-doubles on my way here too.”  One kid laughed.  Clearly his parents were coffee drinkers.  “While Tee Bone’s taking a break, let’s talk a minute about how important it is to take breaks!  I know you kids have lots of homework, but don’t forget to relax and have fun every once in a while.  Tee Bone and I do it too.  We have to!  Otherwise we’d have no energy to fight the bad guys!”  He made punching motions with his hands.  “Lego,” nodded Deke.  “Lego is a good pastime for young and old alike!”

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter 14:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Discover the Tao, and Chapter 19: Tee Bone and Superdekes Vs. The Lego]

Deke took a deep sip of water so that he could excuse himself for the next pee break.  He then focused himself, for this next part of the story was the darkest and hardest to tell.

“With the multiverse opening up before us, we needed help.  And help we got.  Our friend the Brainiac put us in touch with other super heroes.  Because of him, we put together a team.  We call ourselves the Northern Lights.  You know what that is, right kids?”  All the Thunder Bay kids knew what the Northern Lights are, of course!  “Well we named ourselves that because we are a like a light in our darkest hour!  Today we have eleven members…”

A loud “SQUEE!  SQUEE!” from outside interrupted Deke’s speech.

“Sorry!  Twelve members!  Besides Tee Bone and me…”  Mrs. Powers coughed angrily!  “I mean…Tee Bone and I?  Besides Tee Bone and I, there’s Ripper over there!  Everyone say hello to Ripper the Squirrel!”  The jet-black squirrel waved a paw back.  “We also have our friends the Snowman, Max the Axe, the Mars Man, Mr. Books, and some new friends too.  We call them the King of the Sharks, the Night Ranger, and the Jexciter!  You should see these guys.  The one guy wears a shark hat, one looks like Batman, and the other one never has a shirt on because he’s so muscular!”  Deke popped an impressive muscle on his right bicep.  “We also have an actual knight named Bernard, and an eccentric billionaire named Mr. Durling.  And that’s twelve.  We also have allies in space and in England, and we’re getting stronger every day.”

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter 22:  Enter the Durling Foundation]

“What about the Brainiac?” asked a kid who was clearly paying attention.  “You said ‘rest his soul’!”

That’s when Tee Bone walked back into the room.  Deke excused himself as promised, leaving Tee to finish the hard part of the story.

“We lost Brainiac,” he said, taking off his glasses as he looked down at his boots.  He paused.  The silence hung heavy in the air.  “We were looking for clues.  A friend of his was killed.  We were trying to discover who did it.  That’s when Shinzon showed up.”

“The clone?” asked the kid who was paying attention.

“The clone.  At one point or another, we found out he was named after Captain Picard’s evil clone in Star Trek:  Nemesis.  Somebody had a sense of humour when they named him, because Shinzon really is pure evil.  And we’ll get him.  I promise you kids, Shinzon is not coming back to this planet without answering to us.”

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter 17:  Tee Bone Man vs. Edie Van Heelin’, Shinzon: Dread and the Fugitive Mind, Chapter 20: The Death of Edie Van Heelin’, Chapter 21: Fate of the Brainiac.

Deke re-entered the room at that moment. “And that pretty much gets us up to speed,” he said.  “We’ve been fighting evil and saving rock and roll for a couple years now, but we have a solid team behind us.  We have a pretty good idea what we are up against.  And we will win.”

Mrs. Powers clapped, and the students followed suit.  “Thank you, gentlemen.  You are welcome back in my classroom any day.”

Tee Bone and Superdekes bowed.  “Any more questions?” asked Tee Bone.

The kid who seemed to be paying attention raised his hand.  “I have a question!”

“Go ahead,” answered Tee Bone.

“Remember your friend Moustachio disappeared in a flash of orange light?  Did it look like that light outside?”  The kid pointed through the window.  Ripper the Squirrel, who was seated outside on the windowsill, turned to look.  There was indeed a flashing orange light outside.  From that light, poured several small figures.  Four-legged figures.  Furry ones.  And they were heading towards the school.”

“C’mon Deke!  We better check this out!”  At that, the two heroes opened the classroom door — where they were confronted by a woman in black.  Her hair was fire red, and she was surrounded by dogs.  Schnauzers!

“Hello, Tee Bone Man.  Greetings Superdekes.  I’m Doctor K.  Let’s talk about my brother,” she growled.  The Schnauzers joined her in growling.

Deke meekly waved hello.  “Hi, lady.  Who is your brother?”

This only seemed to make her angry.   “You don’t remember me.  I was at the funeral.  You were supposed to protect him.  Instead you brought home his body.”  The Schnauzers continued to growl.  Tee Bone and Deke stepped out of the classroom into the hallway and closed the door behind them.

“Ohhhh…” answered Tee Bone.  “The Brainiac.  I’m so sorry for your loss, Doctor K.  We did our best to save him, but we were too late.  The evil clone Shinzon got to him first.  But we are not resting until we catch him.  Him and his boss, the one who sent him, Lord Tyranus.  We’re onto them both.  I assure you, we won’t rest…”

“ENOUGH!” she screamed.  She then removed a bass clarinet from a black leather case by her side.  “I’m here for my revenge!”  She blew into the mouthpiece.  Tee Bone and Superdekes were immediately thrown against the wall by the blast of bass!

“Ouch!” yelled Tee Bone.  “Take it easy Doc, let us help!”

“YOU HAVE DONE ENOUGH!”  She prepared to blast them again.

“Quick!  To the gymnasium!” cried Deke.  The two ran out a side door, but Doctor K and her Schnauzer army were ready.

“You think you can run?  I recruited this Schnauzer army from the furthest reaches of the multiverse!  The most vicious Schnauzers ever bred.  Schnauzers…ATTACK!”  She pointed at the two men running down the hall, and they pursued with drool dripping from their sharp fangs!

The pair ran towards the gymnasium, and slammed the doors behind them.  They could hear Schnauzers thudding against the doors, and they struggled to hold them shut.

“What do you we do now Tee?” asked Deke.  “We can’t fight the Brainiac’s sister, and we can’t hurt those cute but vicious animals.  We’re stuck, buddy!  You even left your guitar back in the classroom!”

“I’m as stymied as you, buddy.  Keep holding that door…we need a plan!”

“I’m trying!  Those Schnauzers are too tough!” answered Deke.

Suddenly there was a blast of bass.  The doors shattered, and our two heroes were thrown like rag dolls onto the gymnasium floor.  Doctor K strode through, followed by her army of animals.  Tee Bone rubbed his head from the fall.  Deke’s face was bleeding from shattered glass.  Tee Bone raised his hand in a “stop” motion.

“Doctor K…you have to listen to us!”  The doctor interrupted him before he could finish.

“My brother listened to you and you got him killed!  Why shouldn’t I finish you right now?”  The Schnauzer army was ready to strike, teeth bare and hungry.  They quietly growled.

“What if…what if we promised to bring you Shinzon?  He’s the one who did it…what if we brought you the real killer?” asked Tee.

Doctor K lowered her bass clarinet and commanded the Schnauzers to heel.

“Bring me the ‘real’ killer.  You have 30 days.  If you fail, I guarantee these Schnauzers will taste your blood!  Just as the day time turns into night time…just like the rich man needs lots of money…I will be back.  30 days.”  She then blew a series of special notes on her bass clarinet.  It summoned an orange light.

“30 days!” she reminded them, as she stepped through the orange portal with her army and disappeared.

Tee Bone and Superdekes sat on the ground, one sweating and one bleeding.

“I think the plot just thickened,” said Deke.

To be continued….

---

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

• Chapter Zero:  Tee Bone Man – Origins (by LeBrain)
• Chapter One: A Friend in Need (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Two: Hell Freezes Over (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Three: Hell Ain’t A Bad Place to Be (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Four: Tee Bone Man and the Rink of…Doom? (by Aaron KMA)
• Chapter Five: The Super Duper Vault (by John T. Snow)
• Chapter Six: Tee Bone Man Goes to Camp (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Seven:  The Revenge of Common Knowledge (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Eight:  Tee Bone & Deke’s Time Travelling Adventure (by 80sMetalMan)
• Chapter Nine:  Castle Communications (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Ten:  The Case of the Lost Iron Maiden Socks (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Eleven:  A Tee Bone Man Christmas (by all five of us)
• Chapter Twelve:  Lost In Space (by John T. Snow)
• Chapter Thirteen:  Clip Show (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Fourteen:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Discover the Tao (An Intermission) (By Aaron KMA)
• Chapter Fifteen: Status Acoustic – The Really Big Deal (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Sixteen:  A Crazy Crazy Night (part 1) (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Sixteen:  A Crazy Crazy Night (part 2) (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Sixteen:  A Crazy Crazy Night (part 3) (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Seventeen:  Tee Bone Man vs. Edie Van Heelin’ (by LeBrain)

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

• Chapter Eighteen:  Shinzon – Origins (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Nineteen:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes vs. the Lego (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty:  The Death of Edie Van Heelin’ (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty-One:  Fate of the Brainiac (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty-Two:  Enter:  The Durling Foundation (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty-Three:  Tee Bone Man’s NYE Extravaganza!  (By all of us!)
• Chapter Twenty-Four:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Go Back to School Part 1 (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty-Four:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Go Back to School Part 2 (By LeBrain)

 

• Noirison:  Chapter One (By Holen)
• Noirison:  Chapter Two (By Holen)
• Noirison:  Chapter Three (By Holen) 2024
• Who’s the Mole in Rock and Roll Heaven? (by 80sMetalMan)
• Shinzon – Dread and the Fugitive Mind (By Harrison Kopp)
• Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures: Chapter 1 – Farao Way From Home (By Harrison Kopp)
• Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures: Chapter 2:  Train of Consequence – Part One (By Harrison Kopp)
• Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures: Chapter 2:  Train of Consequence – Part Two (By Harrison Kopp)
• nippison and Brainikin’s Excellent Adventure:  Chapter One
• Jen In Space:  Mission One (By LeBrain)
• Deep Black Rainbow:  The Full Concert (By 80sMetalMan)

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 1:  Edie vs. Tommy Lee in the Bouncy Castle of Doom! (By LeBrain)
• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 2:  Edie and the Quest for the Lost Lego (By LeBrain with Harrison Kopp)
• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 3:  Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation (By LeBrain)
• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 4:  Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation Part 2 (By LeBrain & MarriedandHeels)
• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 5:  Edie Meets the Wolf (by LeBrain)
• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 6:  Edie’s Winter Vacation (By LeBrain & MarriedandHeels)

THE WRITER’S ROOM

• The Writer’s Room:  Chapter One
• The Writer’s Room:  It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like a Tee Bone Man Christmas
• The Writer’s Room:  Welcome to the Writer’s Room!
• The Writer’s Room:  Empty Room
• The Writer’s Room:  Summer Holidays!
• The Writer’s Room:  New Year’s Grieve!
• The Writer’s Room:  Return of the Snowman
• The Writer’s Room:  Snowman’s Gambit

 

 

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN
PHASE TWO: THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

Chapter Twenty-Four: Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Go Back to School (Part One)

With nervous jitters, Tee Bone Man and Superdekes sat in the classroom, atop chairs that seemed a little small for their superhero frames.  They were fully suited up, but otherwise unarmed for the children.  This was only a fifth grade class, which made them a little extra cautious….maybe even more than when saving the world from monsters and villains.  Their skin glistened with tense, cold sweat.

“Settle down, kids!” screamed Mrs. Powers, the stern-faced prune of a teacher, as she stormed into the class.  Not the most pleasant teacher our heroes have encountered, Powers had a tense aura.  Ancient as the Earth itself, her black hair was tied tight into a 1960s beehive like she forgot what decade this was.  The class went suddenly silent upon her bellow, and Tee Bone Man loosened his collar at the cape.  A little warm in here?  Someone should check the air conditioning.  His cape was tight.  His new cape.  The old one was burned by a dragon about two months ago in the Battle of Kitchener.  Now, he and Superdekes were summoned here to speak in a class by Principal Rockefeller, but Mrs. Powers clearly wanted nothing to do with the pair.

“Was the Van Halen mask really necessary?” she whispered to Tee Bone Man.  “This is a fifth grade class, gentlemen.  Do you want these kids looking up David Lee Roth’s derriere on the internet?”

Tee Bone blinked.  “You know David Lee Roth?” he asked with eyes wide.

“Oh please,” she huffed, shaking her head in displeasure.  “Do you think I’m new?  Go!” she waved her hand as she gestured to the front of the classroom.  Deke and Tee hurried to the blackboard.  Deke wrote their names in white chalk while Tee Bone spoke.

“Might as well Jump,” said Tee to himself.  Here we go!  “Hi kids!”

The class fidgeted, many with head in hands, trying not too hard to pay attention.  Tough crowd, noted Tee Bone.  He took a deep breath.  “I’m Tee Bone Man, and this is my pal Superdekes!  We’re superheroes!  We’ve been invited here today by your principal to teach you all about right and wrong, good and evil, and some pretty crazy adventures we’ve had!”

This was patently false.  The real reason they were sweating in that classroom was in repayment for the chaos caused by their New Year’s Eve concert last month.  The concert threw the city of Thunder Bay into disarray for three solid days, and a reckoning was had in the halls of the Mayor’s Office.  This school appearance was part of the ongoing reparations that Tee and Deke owed from that night.  The concert might have blown minds, but the fallout in the days after blew chunks.  Tee Bone and Superdekes were the scapegoats.

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter Twenty-Three:  Rockin’ New Year’s Eve]

Tee Bone Man cleared his throat.  Time for penance.

“We’d like to tell you all about our adventures, and maybe you’ll learn a thing or two in the process.  Are ya ready?” Tee Bone pumped his fist in excitement.  One kid responded with a snore, another a fart.

“SCOTTIE!” scolded Mrs. Powers.

“OK!  Deke…why don’t you start?” said Tee

Deke looked startled a moment and then snapped to attention.  “Uh, sure!  Why don’t we start with our origin story?”

Tee Bone nodded.  “Always good to start from the start,” he encouraged.

“Great!” said Superdekes as he clapped and rubbed his hands.  “So, kids, Tee Bone Man over here got his amazing super powers by falling into a vat of radioactive Scotch.  Do you kids know what Scotch is?”

Mrs. Powers’ jaw dropped.  Deke turned his head in a start, and changed his line of questioning.

“I mean, do you kids know what radioactivity is?”  The kids stared blankly.  “Well, I mean…”  This was not going well!  He smacked his head.  Tee Bone gestured and whispered “Say something!”  Deke had an idea.  Changing his line of questioning, he grabbed their attention.

“I mean, have any of you kids ever eaten a lot of candy all at once?”

Suddenly the class perked up.  A few children raised their hands excitedly.

“Did you feel different after eating all that candy?” he asked.

“I got a tummy ache!” screamed one kid.   Another one shouted, “I ran around and around and around until my mom told me to stop and then I couldn’t sleep!”

Deke snapped his fingers and pointed at the kid.  “That’s right!  That’s kind of what happened to Tee Bone Man here.  He fell into some radioactive…candy…and next thing I knew, he could fly!  It was very dangerous, he could have died!  We barely survived, so the lesson here is…don’t eat too much candy, I think!  Anyway, that’s why we became a superhero team!”  Deke raised his hand to high-five Tee, who hesitated but went for it.  The kids were starting to wake up.

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter Zero:  Origins]

“That’s right, Deke!” said Tee Bone, picking up the story.  “Any questions?”

One hand went up.  A nerdy kid in the back with greasy hair and glasses.  Great.

“How doesth it work?” asked the nerd with a lisp.  “Like, how do guysth know where people need help?”

Whew!  “Great question kid!” exclaimed Tee.  “Do any of your moms and dads buy music records?”  A couple kids more raised their hands.

“AC/DC!” said a tiny voice from the back.  Deke stared in surprise, mouth slightly agape.  Powers frowned and crossed her arms.

“Right!” enthused Tee Bone.  “Well, Deke here devised a super secret music system that allows us to sense danger before it comes!  It works when he plays a record on his special record player!  It’s pretty cool!  Deke is a wizard with technology, you see.  Tell them, Deke!”

Deke looked surprised.  “You were doing so well.  Keep going,” he pressed.  Tee Bone was clearly not eager to upset Mrs. Powers any further, but he continued his story.

“Our first few adventures were pretty easy, kind of like when you’re starting to play a new video game.  You kids know what Sasquatches are?   Well, our earliest adventures just involved us saving a bunch of tourists from Sasquatches and such.  Very exciting.  You can actually can smell them for a mile.”  Tee Bone pinched his nose for exaggeration.  “Pee-eww!” he said to the class’s laughter.

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter One:  A Friend In Need]

A kid wrinkled up his nose and giggled.

“What do they smell like?” asked Scottie, the kid who farted earlier, without raising his hands.

“A little like you…” murmured Deke.  The class giggled.  All but Scottie of course!  Deke picked up the story.

“The problem with fighting Sasquatches is, Tee Bone would always get there first because he can fly, and I can’t.  All I have are my gadgets.  But check this out.”

Deke sketched a crude drawing of his flying motorcycle on the board.

“I had to figure out a way to fly!  I had a motorcycle, which was fast, but Tee can fly anywhere in the world!  I had to sit in traffic and wait for the green light!  And kids, you be careful every time you cross the street!  So, you know what I did?  I put some wings on my motorcycle and now it flies!  Just goes to show, never give up and follow your imaginations!”   Deke drew some flames coming from the bike’s exhaust in red chalk.  “Psssshhhhhhhhht!” said Deke as made roaring engine sounds to go with his flames.

Finishing his drawing, Deke looked at Powers before continuing.  She wasn’t going to like what happened next.  It was a tad…hellish.  But these kids have seen worse on YouTube.  Deke began the next chapter.

“My flying bike came in handy when we had to go to Australia.  Remember a couple of years ago, those earthquakes that hit all over the world?  Those were scary, right?  Well it was me and Tee Bone who stopped them!”

“TEE BONE AND I,” corrected a stern Mrs. Powers.

“Tee Bone and I, right, and on that note…Tee?”  Deke was passing the live hand grenade to his friend now, so to speak!

“OK, yeah!  So, I flew to Australia to meet a new ally called Mr. Moustachio!  He is very important to our story…don’t forget that name!  Anyway, we learned the earthquakes were coming from Hell, and we had to go and literally defeat Satan himself!  But we did, because good always wins, right kids?  Right?”  Powers scowled.

“We saved the world,” emphasized Deke to the class so Powers would stop glaring.  “And we didn’t even ask for a reward!”

“We had to fight demons and dragons, kids!” said Tee.  Deke raised his arms to the sides and flapped them like dragon wings, and pretended to breath fire for the class.  “It was pretty hairy, but thanks to our friend Moustachio, we won that battle and saved the world for the first time!  A pretty big deal, and we didn’t even get a parade or an interview on TV!”

“Boo!” said Scottie to this news.

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter Two: Hell Freezes Over and Three: Hell Ain’t A Bad Place to Be]

“But kids, this is where the story gets a little crazy!  Our new friend Moustachio returned home to his house in Australia, which is on the other side of the world.  My friend Deke here thinks that Satan cloned Moustachio during that adventure!  Do you know what cloning is?  It’s like making a copy of a person!”

Deke sketched some people on the blackboard for emphasis, all identical to one another.

“Me and De…I mean, Deke and I continued to do our jobs saving the world, while someone was making a copy of our friend!”  Tee Bone wiped his brow a moment and took a swig of his water.  “We think it was Satan again.  He made an evil version of our friend, and named him Shinzon!   And now we have him to worry about too.  That’s what we think happened anyway, right Deke?”

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter Eighteen:  Shinzon – Origins and Edie Van Heelin’ and the Quest for the Lost Lego]

“That’s my theory, Tee!” said Deke as he picked up the story.  “But kids, we were having a pretty good time protecting the world during our first adventures.  We got to meet some celebrities.  How many of you kids like hockey?”  Five or six kids raised their hands.  “Anyone like the Boston Bruins?” asked Deke.  “Nah, me neither!  Hah.  Anyway, if you can believe it, once Tee Bone and I had to save the world from a big rat named Brad Marchand, the captain of the Boston Bruins!”  A couple kids laughed at word rat.  “No, it’s true!” said Deke.  “He has a big old rat nose and he’s just a big bad pain in the ass!”

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter Four:  Tee Bone Man and the Rink of…Doom?]

Powers scolded immediate.  “DEKE.  LANGUAGE.”

“Right, sorry!  Keep it warm, rat!”   Deke drew a funny caricature of Marchand on the board.  The kids laughed at his massive mountain of a nose.

“Umm, anyway, after we took care of Marchand, we started making some new friends!  Friends are very important, kids!  Always make sure you have your friends’ backs, and pick ones that will always have yours!  On our next adventure, we met a strange American billionaire named Snowman!  He had lots of rare records and collectables, so you know what he did?  He bought an army of snowmen to protect it!  And you know what happened when Satan attacked us again?  Can you guess?”

Deke sketched a portrait of the Snowman on the blackboard as Tee Bone spoke.  Mrs. Powers interrupted.

“Isn’t that Richard Dreyfuss?” she questioned.

“Common mistake,” winked Deke.

“He’s very handsome,” blushed the teacher.  “I mean, can you guess what happened next kids?”

A kid raised her hand.  “Did the snowmans melt?”

“The snowmans melted!” shouted Tee Bone as he pointed at the girl and pumped his fist.

“But did you stop the bad guys?” asked another child.

“We sure did!” said Tee Bone.  “We stopped the Devil and his Knights In Satan’s Service, and the Snowman has been one of our best friends ever since!”

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter Five:  The Super Duper Vault]

There was an awkward pause.  Tee Bone Man drew a blank.  He scratched his head a moment.  “What happened next, Deke?  I’m having trouble remembering the next part.”

“You took a vacation.  You went to camp,” said Deke.

“Oh that’s right,” said Tee.  “Always remember, take some time to play and don’t work too hard!  I made a new friend on my vacation, kind of,” said Tee Bone.  “You knows know what squirrels are right?”

Just about every kid raised their hands.  “There’s one outside right now!” said one as he pointed through a window.  “A big black one!”

“That’s him!” said Tee Bone.  “That’s my squirrel friend Ripper.  I met him when I took a vacation at my camp.  Technically, he belongs to Mr. Moustachio, but we’ll tell you more about him later on.  First, we had to deal with the realisation that not everybody is on our side.  Even superheroes have bullies.”

[FUTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter Six:  Tee Bone Goes To Camp]

“That’s right!” said Deke.  “Now, kids, this next part of the story is about a big old bully named Billy.  We’re going to teach you how to deal with meanies like Billy.  Nobody here likes a bully, right?”

“Nooooooo!” came a sea of kid voices.

“Nobody likes a bully!” said Deke.  “Well I got a bully named Billy and he’s a big old grouch.  Have you kids ever heard of a band called Mr. Big?”

Dead stares.

“Didn’t think so.  Well, you know what this bully did?  He came around to my house just to mess with me, when Tee Bone was sleeping!  Isn’t that mean?”  All the kids nodded in agreement.  “But I got him, yes I did, all my myself!” said Deke, as he turned to wink at Tee Bone.

“We got him,” said Tee Bone.

“I got him,” corrected Deke.  “By myself.  Without Tee Bone Man’s help!”

The kids clapped.

“And that’s what you do with a bully!” exclaimed Deke.  “When they come to your house with a teal doubleneck bass guitar looking for trouble, you blast ’em with your nuclear pick-shooter!”

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter Seven:  The Revenge of Common Knowledge]

“It’s a good thing we kept meeting new friends,” said Tee Bone as he continued the story.  “Especially since the bullies were growing in number.  We needed friends.  Deke and I couldn’t do this on our own anymore.  Things were happening all over the world, not just here in Thunder Bay.  Do you kids know where England is?”

Nobody seemed to know.

“Well it’s a long way away, across the Atlantic Ocean!” said Tee Bone, holding his arms wide to express the massive distance.  “And this story goes to show, even people from very far away that talk with difference accents, can be your next friend!  Our new friend, Michael the 80s Metal Man, came from a place called Stroud.  This time, there was a bad teacher named Mr. Suplee, who was trying to change world history using time travel!  Have you kids seen any good time travel movies?  Well it works just like the movies, I guess.”

A boy raised his hand.  “Like in Avengers Endgame?”

“No, but like virtually every other time travel movie except that one.”  Deke took over here for Tee Bone.  “There was this evil teacher here in Thunder Bay named Mr. Suplee…”

Mrs. Powers interrupted.  “Mr. Suplee?  The music teacher?”

“Why, yes…did you know him?” asked Deke.

“He was my first husband!” answered Powers.

“Ah.  Well, he was an A-hole, ma’am,” said Tee Bone.

“I agree,” said Powers.  “Continue.”

“Hah.  Well, Mr. Suplee decided he didn’t like a certain kind of music, and he decided to use time travel to erase heavy metal music from history!  And he almost succeeded, didn’t he Tee?” asked Deke

“That’s right,” answered Tee Bone.  “If it wasn’t for the Metal Man, and his connections in Rock Heaven, we’d never have solved that crisis.  And that means we’d live in a world without Ozzy Osbourne!”

“Ozzy!” shouted a kid in the back with a pumped fist.

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter Eight:  Tee Bone and Deke’s Time Travelling Adventure and Who’s the Mole in Rock and Roll Heaven?]

“That’s right!  But you know kids, new friends are great but never forget your old friends either!  Soon we met up with El Moustachio again.  And guess what!  Satan was up to no good!  Again!” said Tee Bone, hamming it up for the kids now.  He then put on a terrible Australian accent.  “We had ta go back ta da land down unda!”  Deke quietly whispered to him to cut the accent.  Tee grimaced but continued without.  “Anyway, it was supposed to be a fun trip looking for records, but we ended up having to save the world again!  We found an evil, demonic record called the Infernum!”

“And the music sucked!” chuckled Deke to another frown from Mrs. Powers.  “Sorry!” he said this time.

“Anyway, this record we found was the oldest in existence, and capable of summoning a massive army of evil, so needless to say, we had to make sure Satan didn’t get his claws all over it!” explained Tee Bone.  The kids were enthralled with their stories.  “You can imagine what would happen if we didn’t!”

“We had to fight knights in armor!” said Deke with a sword-like motion of his hands.

“And I broke my guitar!” said Tee Bone with a teardrop-motion.  “But we kept fighting anyway!”  He and Deke grabbed a couple of the meter-long rulers that Mrs. Power by the black board.  “It looked something like this!  En garde, Deke!”  He had Deke swung sticks in mock combat, until Tee managed a fatal strike.

“Ahh!” said Deke as he pretended to die.

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter Nine:  Castle Communications]

“Did you get a new guitar?” asked one kid.  “What colour?” asked another.

“I did!  A black one!” answered Tee Bone Man.  “Wanna see?”

The class cheered.  Tee Bone reached down behind the teacher’s desk and brought up a guitar case.  Inside was a gleaming black weapon, the likes of which these kids had never seen before.  It gleamed under the cold classroom lights.  Tee Bone smiled as he noticed the kids respond to it.

“May I?” he winked to Mrs. Powers.

“Not too loud!” she answered.

Tee Bone smiled.  He casually played Van Halen’s “Eruption”, note for note, tap for tap, for the class who gaped in awe at the sound.  His hands were a blur.  The sound from the tiny practice amp filled the room.  If only they had known it was powered by nuclear Scotch!  It was warmest tones those kids would ever likely hear in person.  Tee Bone shredded the solo until every young mind in the room was blown.  After finishing the solo, they clapped in glee.  Lives were changed that day, only they wouldn’t know it yet.

“I got this axe…that’s slang for guitar…I got this guitar from a guy named Max.  He’s kind of a big deal, you know.  He and a mutual friend of ours called the Brainiac helped me get this very special instrument to replace my old red one.”

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter Fifteen:  Status Acoustic – The Really Big Deal]

“Still, it took a while to find the right guitar with the right powers to fight evil!” said Deke.  “You had to do without for a while.  What happened next in our story?”

“We don’t have to tell these kids about the Iron Maiden concert,” shushed Tee.

“Oh yes we do!” laughed Deke.  “Go on!”

Tee Bone harumphed.  “OK, so we went to go to see Iron Maiden in Toronto, and I bought some cursed bootleg socks, and they made me go a little crazy.  That’s all.  Don’t buy bootleg merchandise, is the lesson here, I guess.”  Deke was laughing to himself.

“What kindsa stuff did you do when you were crazy?” asked the kid named Scott.

“Nothing, I went to sleep, now let’s move on,” said Tee.  Deke was killing himself laughing in the corner.  If only these kids knew just how crazy Tee Bone got that night!

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter Ten:  The Case of the Cursed Iron Maiden Socks]

Deke tried to reign himself in.  “The important thing is, friends stick together and without his friends, Tee Bone would be on the funny farm right now.”  The class laughed.

Tee Bone smiled.  “It’s true what’s he’s saying about friends,” he continued.  “We had all our friends over for Christmas that year, which was really nice.  Brainiac, Moustachio, Mr. Books, Snowman, Metal Man, all of ’em.”

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter Eleven:  A Tee Bone Man Christmas]

“And then we went to space,” teased Deke.

“No way!” gasped one kid.  “You went to space?” yelled another child.  “I peed myself!” screamed a third.

“Me too kid,” winked Tee.  “Almost, anyway.  But yes, we went to space.  We went to Mars actually.”

“Yeah, that was wild,” said Deke.  “We met a new friend named Kevin, but we were there to save the Snowman’s tail, again!  From the Martians this time.  And yes, there are Martians.  I guess that’s probably news.  Anyway, we got Snowman and Kevin safely home from Mars, and it was otherwise a fairly uneventful trip, all things considered,” finished Deke, ignoring the carnage they wreaked on that trip, and the uncertainty of a possible loose end regarding a clone of Donald Trump.  No need to confuse these kids.

“We flew TIE Fighters and X-Wings, dude.  Don’t cheap out on these kids,” chided Tee.

“Wanna see my actual working lightsaber?” asked Deke of the class.

“NO LASER SWORDS IN SCHOOL!” scolded Powers.

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter Twelve:  Lost In Space]

Deke’s heart skipped a beat.  “No ma’am; it’s in the car.”

“In the car it stays!” she barked.

“Yes ma’am, in the car in stays,” he agreed.  “But kids, I have to tell you, things were starting to get serious.  Do you think you can handle the rest?”

“YES!” shouted the kids in unison.

“OK then,” smiled Tee Bone Man just as the bell rang for recess.  “We’ll finish when you return!” he shouted as the tidal wave of children ignored him on their way out the door.  Our heroes were left in the room, with just Mrs. Powers staring at them.  There was an awkward silence.

“Tell me something, boys,” she said sternly.

“Anything, sure,” said Tee Bone nervously.

“Did you give that Suplee character a swift kick in the pants?” she said with a dead serious look.

Tee Bone smiled behind the mask.  “Let’s just say he gets three square meals a a day at Canada’s finest maximum security facility.”

There was no reaction on Powers’ face for several seconds.  Then her mouth twitched as she struggled to fight back a smile.  Her eyes divulged her delight.

“Good,” she simply said, and went to go monitor the kids playing in the school yard.

To be continued tomorrow…

---

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

• Chapter Zero:  Tee Bone Man – Origins (by LeBrain)
• Chapter One: A Friend in Need (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Two: Hell Freezes Over (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Three: Hell Ain’t A Bad Place to Be (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Four: Tee Bone Man and the Rink of…Doom? (by Aaron KMA)
• Chapter Five: The Super Duper Vault (by John T. Snow)
• Chapter Six: Tee Bone Man Goes to Camp (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Seven:  The Revenge of Common Knowledge (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Eight:  Tee Bone & Deke’s Time Travelling Adventure (by 80sMetalMan)
• Chapter Nine:  Castle Communications (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Ten:  The Case of the Lost Iron Maiden Socks (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Eleven:  A Tee Bone Man Christmas (by all five of us)
• Chapter Twelve:  Lost In Space (by John T. Snow)
• Chapter Thirteen:  Clip Show (by LeBrain)
• Chapter Fourteen:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Discover the Tao (An Intermission) (By Aaron KMA)
• Chapter Fifteen: Status Acoustic – The Really Big Deal (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Sixteen:  A Crazy Crazy Night (part 1) (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Sixteen:  A Crazy Crazy Night (part 2) (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Sixteen:  A Crazy Crazy Night (part 3) (by Harrison Kopp)
• Chapter Seventeen:  Tee Bone Man vs. Edie Van Heelin’ (by LeBrain)

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

• Chapter Eighteen:  Shinzon – Origins (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Nineteen:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes vs. the Lego (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty:  The Death of Edie Van Heelin’ (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty-One:  Fate of the Brainiac (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty-Two:  Enter:  The Durling Foundation (By LeBrain)
• Chapter Twenty-Three:  Tee Bone Man’s NYE Extravaganza!  (By all of us!)
• Chapter Twenty-Four:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Go Back to School Parts 1 and 2 (By LeBrain)

 

• Noirison:  Chapter One (By Holen)
• Noirison:  Chapter Two (By Holen)
• Noirison:  Chapter Three (By Holen) 2024
• Who’s the Mole in Rock and Roll Heaven? (by 80sMetalMan)
• Shinzon – Dread and the Fugitive Mind (By Harrison Kopp)
• Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures: Chapter 1 – Farao Way From Home (By Harrison Kopp)
• Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures: Chapter 2:  Train of Consequence – Part One (By Harrison Kopp)
• Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures: Chapter 2:  Train of Consequence – Part Two (By Harrison Kopp)
• nippison and Brainikin’s Excellent Adventure:  Chapter One
• Jen In Space:  Mission One (By LeBrain)
• Deep Black Rainbow:  The Full Concert (By 80sMetalMan)

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 1:  Edie vs. Tommy Lee in the Bouncy Castle of Doom! (By LeBrain)
• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 2:  Edie and the Quest for the Lost Lego (By LeBrain with Harrison Kopp)
• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 3:  Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation (By LeBrain)
• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 4:  Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation Part 2 (By LeBrain & MarriedandHeels)
• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 5:  Edie Meets the Wolf (by LeBrain)
• The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’ 6:  Edie’s Winter Vacation (By LeBrain & MarriedandHeels)

THE WRITER’S ROOM

• The Writer’s Room:  Chapter One
• The Writer’s Room:  It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like a Tee Bone Man Christmas
• The Writer’s Room:  Welcome to the Writer’s Room!
• The Writer’s Room:  Empty Room
• The Writer’s Room:  Summer Holidays!
• The Writer’s Room:  New Year’s Grieve!
• The Writer’s Room:  Return of the Snowman
• The Writer’s Room:  Snowman’s Gambit