Fiction

The Adventures Of Edie Van Heelin’: Edie Meets the Wolf [@MarriedandHeels]

THE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’:  Edie Meets the Wolf

Wolfgang Van Halen was feeling down.

He should have known better, but he opened his phone that morning to a tirade of hate on social media.  Why did he do this?  Did he have to run his own social media?  No, but he felt that giving it up would be giving in to the trolls.  They were relentless, and they were hurtful.  Not that Wolf ever let them see the hurt.  Still, he hurt inside, and it was very real.

“Why don’t you try making a name for yourself, instead of living off your father’s?” asked one troll.

Wolf grumbled to himself.  “Van Halen IS my name!” he yelled at the screen.  “What, should I change my name to Wolfgang McCartney?  Wolfgang Led Zeppelin?  What idiots these people are.  Not worth my time.  Why do I bother…”

He walked across the studio floor, plugged in a guitar, and tried to jam away the blues.  He played some licks, but a dark cloud still hung over his head, a bad mood that wouldn’t go away.

Wolf’s playing was interrupted by a sonic boom overhead.  He put his guitar down and looked out the window to see the contrails of rockets in the sky.

“Oh shit!” he exclaimed.  “I forgot!  I have a recording session today.”

He heard a knock at the studio door.

Wolf tripped over a guitar cable on the way to the door, but managed to open it with rock star-like grace.  Before him stood a vision unlike any he had seen before.

The woman at the door was dressed in head-to-toe silver.  Silver rocket boots, a sleek tight-fitting short silver dress, silver lipstick, and silver nails.  Over her shoulder was a guitar case, also in silver.  Edie Van Heelin’ had arrived.  It may only be a recording session, but she was dressed for the stage anyway!

“Edie Van Heelin’, I presume?” asked Wolf with a broad smile.

“In the flesh!” gleamed Edie, her silver lips smiling just as wide as her eyes.  Even though she had just broken the sound barrier, her long brown hair was as perfectly stick-straight as if she had just finished brushing.  “How are you, Wolf?  You know, your dad was my biggest influence on guitar.  But I love your album!  It’s so different from Van Halen, so modern, so melodic, so good!  Amazing lyrics and music!”

The two hugged.  “Thanks for saying that, Edie.  I’m having a rough day.  I miss my pop.  I hate these online trolls.”

Edie’s face turned to sadness.  “Come on, Wolf.  Let’s sit, you got any tea?”

“Of course, yeah, come in please.”  Wolf went over to the kettle and started brewing some tea.  “Green with honey, right?”  Edie nodded yes, eagerly.  Wolf laughed.  “I did my research, I made sure we had something for you today.”

A few minutes later, Wolf returned with two steaming cups.  The two sat across from each other.  Wolf picked up a guitar and randomly strummed as he sat.

Edie began speaking in a soft, understanding tone.

“I lost my dad a few years ago, too,” she began.  “I understand your pain. That song you wrote for him, ‘Distance’…it gets me.  I feel it.  I know your pain.  And trolls?  You should see what I get online.  My body, my face, my clothes, my makeup…they have an opinion about everything, and they are never happy.  And it’s every day.  You know what?  There’s only one person I can make happy, and that’s me.  So I dress how I want to dress, how I feel good.  I play the music I like, and it would not matter anyway, because they always have something to complain about.”

Wolf’s eyes went wide.

“Right?  They tell me to do my own thing, so I put out my own album, and it’s nothing like Van Halen.  Then, they tell me I should reform the band with Dave and Sammy and do a tour instead!  And then, they tell me I shouldn’t be trying to milk the Van Halen name!  I can’t do anything right according to them!”

Edie had removed her guitar from its case and was strumming along with Wolf.

“You know what the solution is Wolf?  I know that you do.”

Wolf shrugged.  “Tell me.”

Edie smiled and played a melodic line on her guitar.

“You just keep doing what you do!  Your album is awesome!  I especially love the song ‘Resolve’.  The defiance you show in that song is what you need to show to those online trolls!  Just keep being you, and remember that they only wish they were you.  Maintain your resolve!”

Wolf kicked into the main riff of the song.  Edie began singing along.

“No more flowers, what we know is not the same. Drunk with power, only you control this game!” she sang with deep conviction.

Wolf smiled as the two jammed.

“Countless hours, only you can cure this pain. You freaking coward, brought on more unwanted change!”

Wolf laughed.  “The word is ‘fucking’, Edie, not ‘freaking’!”

Edie smiled.  “Edie Van Heelin’ doesn’t F-bomb, Wolf!”

Laughing, Wolf nearly fell out of his chair.  “Seriously!?  You dress like the hottest space chick I’ve ever seen in my life, with nine inches worth of heels on your boots, and you won’t swear?”

Edie smiled.  “Nope!  Much like you Wolf, I am more than what I seem, and not what I appear to be!”

“Clearly, that is true!  I’m glad to have met you, Edie Van Heelin’.”  Wolfgang put down his guitar.  “So what are we working on today?”

Edie cranked out some chords.  “Time to start my debut album, Wolfie!  And there’s only one person I want to produce it.”

“Me?” Wolf asked with both hands pointed towards himself.

“You’re the one, Wolf, you’re my number one pick,” proclaimed Edie with the confidence she embodied.

“I could never say no to a woman as beautiful as you,” gushed Wolf.  “Fortunately, you have the talent to back it up.”

This time it was Edie who blushed.  It’s not every day you get a compliment from the son of Edward Van Halen.

“Aww thanks Wolf,” she said as she nervously played with her hair.  “I’m honoured.  Wanna hear some songs?”

Wolf nodded eagerly yes, and set up the desk to record.

This was it!  The Edie Van Heelin’ album was happening, for real now.  Edie took a moment to let it sink in.  She’d worked hard to get to this point.  Regardless of naysayers, the haters, and the trolls, she had made it this far.  Nothing would stop her now.

Wolfgang Van Halen took a seat at the console, opened some software, adjusted some levels, and said the magic words.  “We’re rolling!”

Edie dug deep, ready to rock him with her new material.  She placed her perfect silver fingertips upon the fretboard, and strummed….

…Just as the lights went out.

“What just happened?” shouted Wolf in frustration as he stumbled blindly around the studio, looking for a flashlight.  “The power just went out as we started to record?  What the hell?”

Edie shook.  This was all too familiar to her.

“I have a bad feeling about this….”

Epilogue

In orbit overhead, comfortably seated in his starship, the evil clone known as Shinzon laughed.  He got out of his chair with a flourish of his long dark hair, and placed his evil hand upon his clean-shaven Australian chin.  He laughed some more, as he looked down upon the Earth.  His boss wanted this album delayed, and Shinzon had just caused a power disruption that would keep Wolfgang’s studio down for weeks.  His boss would be very, very happy this time.

He cackled.

“Revenge is a dish best served cold!  And Edie Van Heelin’…it is very cold, in space….”

 

 

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

 

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

 

 

 

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’: Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation Part 2 [By Mike and @MarriedandHeels]

By Mike and @MarriedandHeels

THE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’: Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation Part 2

Continued from Part 1…

What a ridiculous pair they made!  Ahead by several paces was Edie Van Heelin’, rock star and superhero, dressed in her most fab hiking gear, striding confidently north along the shoreline.  Panting behind her, dressed in camo shorts and a sweaty T-shirt, was Fanboy Mike, trying desperately to keep up.

To his credit, on this hike at least, Mike was not wearing his Crocs.

“Hey Edie!” he panted.  “Can we take a break?  I can barely breathe!”  He gasped as he found a large rock to sit on.

Edie Van Heelin’ circled back and sat with her friend.

“Sure, let’s take five,” she said as she sipped from a water bottle.  “How much further to the next town?”

Mike grabbed his phone from his pocket and tried to get a signal.

“I’m sorry but I can’t get a connection.  It’s been 35 years since I last hiked up this far, but I’d guess we’re about half way.”

Edie marvelled at the scenery before her.

“You know, I’ve always said California is the place to be, but Canada isn’t so bad.”  She breathed deep.  “It smells different from the ocean, but it still smells like water.”

“That’s the dead fish you’re smelling Edie,” deadpanned Mike.  “But yeah, Canada isn’t so bad, except for the winter.  Are you still planning on a winter vacation next year?”

“Count on it, Fanboy!” she grinned.

“Alright, that’s enough for sitting,” Mike groaned as he stood, stretching his aching back.  He took some videos of crashing waves and soaring seagulls, and got ready to hike again.  More stretching required.

At that, the pair headed further north, through rocky terrain, a few grassy patches, and some marshy muck.  They maintained a good pace despite Mike’s physical inadequacies, and he even managed to keep up a good conversation despite being winded.

“So let me get this straight,” repeated Edie.  “Ace Fray-lay was replaced by Vincent?  Who was replaced by Saint John?  And then he was replaced by Bruce Something six months later?”

“More or less, yeah,” said Mike.  “It’s pronounced more like ‘Frehley’.  Hang out with me enough and you’ll know all of Kisstory by heart.  My point is, the original members may be iconic but there are plenty of other guys who contributed great material.”

“Gotcha.  And which one is your favourite again?” she asked with genuine curiosity.

“Paul Stanley.  The Starchild!  When I was a kid, I tried to dance like he did on stage.  He had these spandex pants with tassels down the sides, and he would do these jumping spinning moves, and I tried so hard to dance just like him.  I made an air guitar our of cardboard and a yardstick.  I painted it black.  I posed with it, pretending to be Paul in my bedroom, spinning those old albums…” Mike drifted off with nostalgia.

Edie enjoyed spending these down-to-earth moments, rambling about these inconsequential things.  It sure was a lot better than fighting bad guys all the time!  Even though she was on the second day of her Canadian vacation, the first had been spoiled by a renter named George Sooner, who sabotaged their every activity.  Ominously, it turned out that Sooner was working under orders of a man called Shinzon, a strange clone from Australia that she had dealt with once before.

She shook her head straight.  This was her vacation.  No time to dwell on these existential threats.  Let’s hike, she thought.

The ground was now a mixture of medium sized stones, grassy patches, and wet puddles.  It slowed their pace as they made their way further north along the shoreline.  A bright orange fox darted out, sniffed the air, caught sight of the pair, and dashed back into the woods before Mike could snap a photo.

“Drat!” he exclaimed.  “Hey, you know what that reminds me of?  What if I told you that the Catman, Peter Criss, was replaced by the Fox, Eric Carr?”

“I’m never going to remember all this,” laughed Edie.

“You don’t have to!  You have me!  I’m a living, breathing Kiss encyclopedia!” chuckled Mike.

He stopped to look at the sun, already starting to make its way towards the horizon.

“Jeez, it’s kind of getting late in the day.  How long have we been walking?”  He checked his phone.  “It’s 3:00 pm.  We left in the morning.  Something’s wrong; we should have hit the town by now and been well on our way back.”

“How is it possible we lost track of that much time?” asked Edie.

Mike got a chill up his spine.  There was a possible explanation he didn’t want to think about, or raise in front of Edie.  Not on her vacation.

“No big deal.  Let’s just turn around and head back.  It’ll be dark when we get back but we had a great hike regardless.”

Edie was disconcerted.  “There’s no way I’ve been hiking that many hours.  I would know, I would feel it.  Yeah…let’s head back.  I want to go back.”

Mike and Edie made a 180, and began heading south.  The wind began to pick up as they walked, and accordingly, the waves grew in size and intensity.  They crashed on the rocks, cascading sprays of water over the two hikers.  They raised their hands to keep the water off their faces.  The air began to grow cold, and both were wearing shorts.  At one point up ahead, they reached a spot they could no longer cross.

“Wow,” said Mike.  “It’s rare you see the water get this rough!  Bad weather incoming!  The water’s risen so high we can’t go back the way we came.”  Indeed, one section of tiny rocky beach was now completely flooded up to the treeline.

“Let’s go inland then,” said Edie, eager for a change of scenery and shelter from the wind.  “This wind is going to rip the lashes right off my face!  Though that would be something to see….”

The pair turned inland and made their way through a thick strand of trees, which soon gave way to a more sparsely wooded area.  The wind was kept at bay by the mighty cedars and pines of the forest.

“If memory serves, if we keep hiking inland, we’ll eventually hit the county road.  Then we can just follow that back home,” said Mike.

“Sounds good,” responded Edie.  She inhaled deeply.  “Ooh I love that smell, of the forest and the trees!”

“It’s something huh?  You can see why I try to spend as much time here as possible,” answered Mike.

Suddenly, Edie stopped dead in her tracks.

“Something’s wrong Mike.  Do you hear that?”  The two remained silent for a moment.  Then Mike spoke.

“No…I don’t hear anything at all.  Just the wind.”

“Exactly.  The birds are gone.  The animals are gone.  I can’t seem to contact any.  They’ve left.  They must know something…be scared of something.”  Edie spoke with great concern in her voice.  “Sometimes when I’m out of contact with the animals like this, it means a severe storm is coming.”

“That tracks,” agreed Mike as he looked up to the rapidly blackening sky.  “I don’t suppose you packed your rocket boots, did you?”

“I’m sorry,” said Edie, “We weren’t supposed to be doing any superhero-ing this weekend.”

“That was the deal,” agreed Mike.  “Next time let’s make a note to pack the rocket boots, just in case.”

“Come on, let’s keep heading inland,” urged Edie.  “I don’t like it when I can’t contact any animals.”

There was no clear path ahead, so the pair forged their way through gaps in the trees, breaking branches as they went.  Then the rain began!  Edie raised a hood over her head while Mike donned his trademark fisherman hat.  Neither did a particularly great job of keeping them dry, but it was better than nothing.  The wind howled through the trees as the downpour intensified.  The pair had no choice but to stop and wait it out.  They could barely hear each other.

“These storms usually blow through pretty quick!” shouted Mike over the din.

Edie was covering her eyes (and lashes), but nodded in understanding.  They huddled together trying to keep warm.  It seemed all of Lake Huron was being dumped over their heads.

Suddenly a ray of sunlight burst through the cloud, indicating the worst was over.  10 seconds later, the rain audibly began to retreat.  Edie and Mike stood straight and looked up.  A patch of blue could be seen.

“Whew!” said Edie.  “That was a wet one!”

Mike wrung the water out of his hat.  “That sucked!  My shoes are soaked.  As we say in Canada, ‘I got two soakers’.”  Edie, meanwhile, was in the midst of changing her shoes.  Of course she had a backup pair.  She was, after all, Edie Van Heelin’.

“Sorry, I don’t have a backup pair for you, though you would look cute in hot pink,” she teased.

“You bet I would,” countered Mike.  “Come on.  Let’s keep going.”  With a squish-squish sound, Mike began walking inland once more.

Or, he thought it was inland.  After an hour of walking, he decided to raise the question of the elephant in the room.

“I hate to say it…but we are thoroughly lost,” he confessed.  “And I still have no signal on my phone.”

“Me neither,” said Edie with a frustrated harrumph.  “What choice to we have though?  Keep walking.  These woods don’t go on forever.  Or do they?  In Canada they have a lot of woods,” she reasoned.

“I figure we have to hit a road or somebody’s property eventually, and then we can at least get back on track,” answered Mike.  “I’m pretty tired though.”

“Want me to carry you?” offered Edie with a wink.  She wasn’t kidding.

Mike seriously pondered the offer.

“No, let’s proceed with my dignity intact,” he replied.

The pair walked another 20 minutes until they finally hit a clearing.  In this small clearing, decorated by tall grasses and a few small trees, stood a pair of deer.  Edie and Mike stopped in their tracks, crouched low without saying a word, and watched.  A mother and a fawn.  Quietly and stealthily, Mike managed to extract his phone from his pocket and get some brief video.  Then, suddenly, both deer darted off at the sound of…a car?

“I hear the road!” exclaimed Mike.  “We’re not far!”  He stood, but too quickly, and pulled something in his leg.

“OW!!  OW OW OW!  Oh ffff…”  He tapered off as he saw Edie’s disapproval of swearing.  “Fffart,” he finished.  “Ah crap.  I gotta walk this off.  Ow, ow, ow.  This is gonna hurt.  OK. OK.  OK.  Let’s go.  Let’s walk.”

“You sure?” cautioned Edie.

“Yep, let’s go.  Here’s the thing.  I need you to keep me talking, keep my mind off the pain.  Ask me more questions about Kiss.”

Edie sighed.  “OK.  What’s the deal with the Cat guy again?”

“CatMAN,” corrected Mike.  Peter Criss.  He went solo in 1980, but in reality, he barely appeared on the two previous albums.  They used a ghost drummer.”

“He’s the drummer?” asked Edie for clarification.  “I thought he was a singer.”

“He was!  He sang on ‘Beth’ and lots of other songs too.  But he left the band in 1980 to go solo.  That’s when they brought in the Fox, Eric Carr.”

“Right!” said Edie, remembering her lessons now.  “The Fox.  I like that character.”

“Then you have good taste!” answered Mike.  “The road is just up ahead.  We’re golden.”

“I’d be the raccoon, if I were in Kiss,” pondered Edie.

“You’d look great as a raccoon!” enthused Mike.  “Keep talking, keep talking!”

Edie hiked ahead while Mike kept up the best he could, favouring his gammy leg, but no longer in pain so long as he could discuss his favourite band.

It was well past dark when the two returned to the cottage in the woods.  Mike collapsed into his favourite chair while Edie massaged the agony out.  He groaned in delight.  After catching his breath, he was able to speak a coherent sentence.

“I’m sorry, but I’m off my feet for the rest of the night,” he told Edie.  “I can’t do steaks tonight, I can’t even stand.  How about we order pizza.”

“They deliver pizza out here?” she queried.

“Boston Pizza does, and Boston Pizza is the best this town has to offer.  My treat.  Let’s get pizza.  Please.”

“Well, OK,” answered Edie.  “But you know what this means.”  She gave him a stern look.

“No.  What’s it mean?”  Mike was genuinely puzzled.

“As you recall, our first dinner was sabotaged by that Sooner jerk,” she explained.  “We have yet to have a proper outdoor steak dinner like you promised.  This means I need to stay an extra day.”

“Oh, drat,” snapped Mike in faux disappointment.  “Whatever shall I do.”

They laughed.

“Not a bad day, all in all?” asked Mike.

“I’ll tell you a secret,” answered Edie.  “I love getting lost in the woods.  I even prefer hiking in the rain!  This was my favourite kind of hike.  I had an awesome day!  You?”

“I did, but I’m paying for it now.  Which means you’re going to pay for it now,” he teased.

“Whatever do you mean?” asked Edie with a similar teasing tone.

“Have you ever heard of a movie called Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park?” asked Mike.

“Oh no,” said Edie with grim defeat.

“Oh yes.  You’re about to spend the next 90 minutes with me, watching one of the worst made-for-TV movies of all time:  1978’s Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park.  Fun fact:  Peter Criss is in it but they dubbed his voice over by an actor named Michael Bell.”

“Oh Mike,” groaned Edie.  “You know I hate old movies!”

“I do know that,” answered Mike, “but I’m the one dying in pain over here!”

Edie relented.  “Fine.  Put on your Kiss.  But afterwards I want to have a night fire.”

“I can manage that,” compromised Mike.  “Rock and roll all nite…” he prompted.

“…And party every day?” responded Edie.

“You’ll be ready to join the Kiss army any day now!” cheered Mike.  “Ow,” he said as he pulled his leg again.

And with that, pizza was ordered, a movie started, and a night just begun.

 

Epilogue

“Tommy Lee to Shinzon!  Tommy Lee to Shinzon,” shouted the tattooed idiot into the communicator.  “Yo, Shinzon, it’s Tommy Lee, pick up pick up pick up dude.”

The radio crackled to life.

“What is it, Lee?” asked a voice with a strange Australian accent.  “I’m predisposed at the moment.”

“Yo, dude!” answered Tommy Lee.  “I did what you said, dude.  I got my alien buds, we got in their UFO, and we went to go mess with Edie Van Heelin’ and Fanboy Mike just like you told me, dude.”

“Excellent, Lee!” answered Shinzon with glee.  “What did you do?”

“We totally zapped them with a ray gun and made ’em fall asleep for a couple hours.  They had no idea.  And then later on they got caught in a rainstorm!”

Shinzon waited to hear more.  “…And?”

“And what, dude?” asked a confused Tommy Lee.

“That’s it?  You made them fall asleep and they got wet?”  Shinzon was clearly furious.  “You idiot!”  He killed the connection.

His boss would not be happy at all.

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS:  PHASE THREE – THE UNICRON SAGA

SPINOFFS AND SIDE QUESTS

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

 

All background photos by Mike.
All Edie photos by BD.

Welcome to the Writer’s Room!

In the Writer’s Room…

“Gentlemen!” I announced to my friends gathered in the room.  “It’s good to have us all back together.  This is our first meeting together since Christmas, am I right?”

To my left, my bald and beautiful friend Aaron answered.  “It sure was, sorry I have not been involved with the Community as much since then, it’s a busy time.”

I smiled and patted his shoulder.  “It is a busy time, yet you just provided ‘Chapter 14:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Discover the Tao‘ for us, and people have absolutely loved it.  It was daring, technical, fun, and still managed to fall into continuity!”

Aaron bowed his head.  “Thank you but flattery will get you nowhere!”

To my right sat Harrison the Australian, silky-haired, and with a note pad in front of him.  To his right was John T. Snow, sipping from a Gene Simmons Soda cola bottle quietly.  Opposite him, and to Aaron’s left was the 80’s Metal Man, sitting quietly and peering over his glasses at the rest of us.  At the end of the conference table was a pair of monitors with webcams enabled.  Their users had yet to log in from remote locations.

“Well gentlemen, let’s get started while we wait for our last two guests.  To say the least, Harrison and I have been busy.  We have our next chapter of the Adventures of Tee Bone Man ready to go with art complete.  We’re calling it ‘Max the Axe’ for now, but it does have a proper title that will be revealed in due time.  Harrison wrote this piece, which introduces the new character of Max the Axe himself; he’s kind of a big deal.”

The guys all smiled and nodded at this news.  “And then,” I continued, “Harrison has written what we are considering the climax to Tee Bone Man:  Phase One.  It’s so big that he had to split it into three instalments.  Three stories, three posts, over three days.  It’s a big ‘Epic’ that will serve as the grand finale to Phase One.”

80’s Metal Man raised his hand.  “I apologize, but for the benefit of the table, can you explain Phase One and what this means for us?”

“Gladly!” I answered.  I reached for a big marker board and began a diagram.  “You know how Marvel movies had Phase One:  The Infinity Saga?  And now we’re into Phase Two: The Multiverse Saga?”  I paused; everyone nodded yes.  “Multiverse is all the rage these days.  Star Trek is doing it, DC is doing it.  So are we.  The first 17 stories in The Adventures of Tee Bone Man comprise Phase One.  It’s a specific Saga, and it will all make sense to you when we wrap it up.  Harrison’s ‘Epic’ is our Endgame.  After that, Phase Two!  We’re starting to bring in characters from other alternate universe.  I’ll give you one spoiler:  the first multiversal character we introduce is a favourite Star Wars villain.”  There was a gasp of whispers around the table.  “A villain, but not our main overarching villain.  In fact, I’ve even already named this character in one of the stories.  If you missed it, you missed it!”

Snowman raised his hand.  “What if we’re not quite as big into Star Wars as you and Harrison?” he asked with fairness.

“No worries Snowman.  You guys are all going to continue on doing what you do.  Harrison and I have an eye on the overall story arc.  We know who the ‘Big Bad’ villain in the end will be, who has been driving all this action all this time.  We know what this villain wants.  All you guys have to do is keep writing your stories and we’ll do the rest.  In fact now you can do even more.  If you want your character the ‘Snowman’ to meet his evil opposite – the ‘Sandman’ perhaps – you can have them meet now.  You can do anything.  You can have Gene Simmons team up with Charles Luther from the film Runaway, if you want to.  The store is now open, gentlemen!”

This seemed to create a flurry of activity.  Harrison was scribbling notes as the others all seemed fired up by this news.  I then addressed Metal Man directly.

“Now, Metal Man, I know you have a story ready about the plot thread involving the secret mole in Rock and Roll Heaven.  Your story will fit perfectly into our Phase Two, which will tend to be broader in style and structure.  There will be tangents.  One of our new writers has written an entire story that takes place in an alternate universe, and…”

At that moment one of the two monitors came to life.  A dark, blurry image appeared.

“Hi!  Who’s this!” I addressed the screen.

There was a buzz of static and a distorted voice.

“This is Holen,” responded the blurred figure.

“Holen!  Welcome to the show my friend.  You know Harrison, this is Aaron, John and Michael the 80’s Metal Man.”

“Hello, Richard Dreyfuss, I always wanted to meet you, you were great in Jaws,” said Holen to John T. Snow.  Snowman laughed.  Not the first Dreyfuss joke at this table, and so he even wrote Dreyfuss into Tee Bone Man as a character.

“I was just about to talk about your chapter, Holen.  Why don’t you take it from here?”

Holen’s distorted voice came through the speakers.  “Yes, I’ve written the first chapter of an ongoing ‘Noir’ universe.  We call it ‘Noirison’.  It’s different versions of our characters, unconnected to the main Tee Bone Man universe, but still a different, dark reflection of it.”

I looked at the guys.  “You see?  This is the kind of thing we can do with the Multiverse.  Maybe Aaron can bring in a hockey story from a universe where the Montreal Habs win the cup.”  Only Aaron and I laughed at this joke.  The Habs, of course, are Tee Bone Man’s hockey team.

There was a beep, and the second monitor came to life.

“Hey guys!  Sorry I’m late.  Kids, softball, you know the whole routine!”

I beamed as the final guest had finally arrived.  “Guys, please meet MarriedandHeels, the California Girl!  She’s been helping me write the Edie Van Heelin’ stories and I think it’s time I brought her into these meetings.  Everyone say hello.”

The guys made their introductions, all but Harrison, who continued scribbling furious notes.  She waved back with a wide smile.

“You’re just in time, Joelle.  I was just getting to our new stuff,” I said to her screen.

“Well take it away then, let’s hear it!” she responded with enthusiasm.

“So, as you guys have probably guessed, I’m been setting up a big crossover between the Adventures of Tee Bone Man and Edie Van Heelin’.  California Girl here has been co-writing the Edie stories with me…”

Joelle interrupted.  “Well, you do all the hard work.”

I adopted a mocking tone.  “Oh yeah, my bruised and battered fingers are so sore from all the hard typing.”  Harrison laughed as he scribbled.  “Anyway, we have a few more Edie stories coming, before the big crossover, but I can confirm it’s happening.  After discussion with Harrison, we felt that the big crossover should serve as the coda of Phase One.  I am happy to announce that I have written the story, and it ties up a lot of the big threads that we have been secretly weaving without your knowledge.  It also starts laying tracks for Phase Two.  I think you are all going to love it.  I just need Joelle to provide her story notes and additions, and Harrison to do the art.”

“That’s right,” added Joelle.  “We need to make sure Edie is wearing all the right clothes and drinking the right tea.  The fine details,” she winked.

“Important details!” I corrected.  “I always value your input.  We created Edie Van Heelin’ together, she’s gotta fit both our visions.”

I noticed Harrison had barely mumbled a word this whole time.

“How you doing over there Harrison, nothing to say today?  You see California Girl is here?”  California Girl waved from her screen.

Harrison finally looked up.  “Oh, yes, hello California Girl.  I’m so sorry, I do apologize, I’ve just been working on some numbers here.”  Harrison then addressed the table.

“Guys, I’ve been working up the Lego budgets to do the artwork in Phase Two.  While I do have a number of sets covered, no spoilers, it’s the figures that are hard to acquire.  And, no offence, Edie Van Heelin’s constant costume changes are a large sum of this budget.”

I rubbed the side of my head.  “I knew this would be a problem.  Think we can have her do the battle in her silver skirt?  I can tone down the costume changes otherwise.”

“As long as you can still make a Lady Vader figure for Edie to fight down the line,” added California Girl.

“Yes, of course, no problem, but with us introducing new characters, the Lego budget is still very worrisome,” finished Harrison.

“Well, I do have some good news for you there,” I told him.  “I just sent you a bunch of bags of Lego as a donation to the Lego art fund.  Lots of minifigs in there, including a couple that will come in handy next December when we do our second Christmas episode…”

California Girl began clapping at this news.  The others soon joined in, and suddenly it was a round of applause for Harrison and his awesome Lego art.

“Yeah let’s hear it for this guy and his awesome art!” I said.  Harrison blushed and quietly said “thank you.”

After the applause died down, John Snow served us all a round of Simmons soda, while California Girl drank her green tea, and Holen consumed a blurry bottle of something blurry.  I addressed the room.

“So there you go, folks!  Phase One is wrapping up in months.  Three chapters to go:  ‘Max the Axe’, the ‘Epic’, and ‘Tee Bone Man vs Edie Van Heelin’.  When we reveal what the actual title of Phase One is, you will understand the plot threads being wrapped up.  You’re gonna love it!  Then, it’s wide open in Phase Two: The Multiverse Saga!”

“Good meeting, guys!” said Aaron.  “I gotta go get the kids from school!”

“And I have to take mine to their next sporting event!” said California Girl.  “Wanna see my shoes first?”  She then showed off a cool purple and black pair of Nike’s.  “These took me 12.5 miles on Monday!”  We all congratulated her and she signed off.

“I have to run too,” said Holen.  “Not 12.5 miles though.  Looking forward to what you all think of Noirison.”

Michael the 80s Metal Man stood.  “And I look forward to your feedback regarding my story of the mole in Rock and Roll Heaven.”

“Patience, young Jedi!” I bowed and responded.  Michael then disappeared through a portal.

Snowman grabbed the remaining Simmons soda and also excused himself.  Something about a big record sale somewhere he had to check out.  Just Harrison and I were left in the Writer’s Room.

“Exciting times, eh?” I asked him.

“Very,” he responded.

I sat there and just stared at him, as he calmly stroked his moustache.

“You don’t get very excited, do you?” I questioned.

“This is the most excited I’ve been in days,” answered Harrison.

I shrugged.  “True that.  Wait until the Lego donations arrive, and do the budget later.  You have lots of ideas?”

This time, Harrison truly did look excited.

“Oh yes,” he said.  “The best is yet to come!”

 

The end

THE WRITER’S ROOM

The Writer’s Room: Chapter One

The Writer’s Room:  It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like a Tee Bone Man Christmas

The Writer’s Room:  Welcome to the Writer’s Room!

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE ________ SAGA

Chapter Zero:  Tee Bone Man – Origins (by LeBrain)

Chapter One: A Friend in Need (by LeBrain)

Chapter Two: Hell Freezes Over (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Three: Hell Ain’t A Bad Place to Be (by LeBrain)

Chapter Four: Tee Bone Man and the Rink of…Doom? (by Aaron KMA)

Chapter Five: The Super Duper Vault (by John T. Snow)

Chapter Six: Tee Bone Man Goes to Camp (by LeBrain)

Chapter Seven:  The Revenge of Common Knowledge (by LeBrain)

Chapter Eight:  Tee Bone & Deke’s Time Travelling Adventure (by 80sMetalMan)

Chapter Nine:  Castle Communications (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Ten:  The Case of the Lost Iron Maiden Socks (by LeBrain)

Chapter Eleven:  A Tee Bone Man Christmas (by all five of us)

Chapter Twelve:  Lost In Space (by John T. Snow)

Chapter Thirteen:  Clip Show (by LeBrain)

Chapter Fourteen:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Discover the Tao (An Intermission) (By Aaron KMA)

Chapter Fifteen:  “Max The Axe” (by Harrison Kopp) Coming soon

Chapter Sixteen:  “The Epic” parts 1, 2 and 3 (by Harrison Kopp) Coming this spring

Chapter Seventeen:  Tee Bone Man vs. Edie Van Heelin’ (by LeBrain & California Girl) Coming this summer – conclusion to Phase One

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

Chapter Eighteen:  Shinzon – Origins (By LeBrain)

 

 

THE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie vs. Tommy Lee in the Bouncy Castle of Doom! (By LeBrain)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie and the Quest for the Lost Lego (By LeBrain with Harrison Kopp)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation (By LeBrain)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation Part 2 (By LeBrain & California Girl) Coming soon

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie Meets the Wolf (by LeBrain)

 

The Adventures of Tee Bone Man Chapter 14: Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Discover the Tao (An Intermission) (By Aaron KMA)

By Aaron KMA

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN CHAPTER 14:
Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Discover the Tao (An Intermission)

It was noon on Sunday
Superdekes and Tee Bone Man
were tired and sore

Saving the whole world
winter, spring, summer, autumn
was wearing them out

They needed a break
they discussed break-time options
with hair of the dog

The tunes were on low
to lessen future headaches
Superdekes spoke first

“After Mars, I’m beat,”
Tee Bone Man agreed in full
“Let’s relax,” said he

“We also agree
that we don’t need to travel
as we’ve seen it all”

Superdekes nodded
“we just need folks to chill out
for a little bit”

They thought for a while
but neither man could succeed
in making a plan

Time passed, chill was had
great food, great drinks, great tunes too,
as the lads thought and talked

And they stayed that way
convivial and happy
as time just crept by

There was nothing done
and there was nothing to do
and it all felt right

Soon a week was gone
the phone had not yet rung once
finally they saw

Superdekes laughed first
“Yo Bro, you see what’s up?
We just had our break!”

Tee Bone Man smiled huge
“Dude, you’re right and it’s so right,
just what we needed!”

It was night again
so the lads got comfy, and
good fortune was theirs

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE

Chapter Zero:  Tee Bone Man – Origins (by LeBrain)

Chapter One: A Friend in Need (by LeBrain)

Chapter Two: Hell Freezes Over (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Three: Hell Ain’t A Bad Place to Be (by LeBrain)

Chapter Four: Tee Bone Man and the Rink of…Doom? (by Aaron KMA)

Chapter Five: The Super Duper Vault (by John T. Snow)

Chapter Six: Tee Bone Man Goes to Camp (by LeBrain)

Chapter Seven:  The Revenge of Common Knowledge (by LeBrain)

Chapter Eight:  Tee Bone & Deke’s Time Travelling Adventure (by 80sMetalMan)

Chapter Nine:  Castle Communications (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Ten:  The Case of the Lost Iron Maiden Socks (by LeBrain)

Chapter Eleven:  A Tee Bone Man Christmas (by all five of us)

Chapter Twelve:  Lost In Space (by John T. Snow)

Chapter Thirteen:  Clip Show (by LeBrain)

Chapter Fourteen:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Discover the Tao (An Intermission) (By Aaron KMA)

Chapter Fifteen:  Max The Axe (by Harrison Kopp) Coming soon

Chapter Sixteen:  “The Epic” parts 1, 2 and 3 (by Harrison Kopp) Coming this spring

Chapter Seventeen:  Tee Bone Man vs. Edie Van Heelin’ (by LeBrain & California Girl) Coming this summer – conclusion to Phase One

 

THE EXTENDED LEBRAINIVERSE

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie vs. Tommy Lee in the Bouncy Castle of Doom! (By LeBrain)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie and the Quest for the Lost Lego (By LeBrain with Harrison Kopp)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation (By LeBrain)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation Part 2 (By LeBrain & California Girl) Coming soon

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie Meets the Wolf (by LeBrain)

 

The Writer’s Room: Chapter One

The Writer’s Room:  It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like a Tee Bone Man Christmas

 

Tee Bone Man: Origins

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN CHAPTER ZERO:  ORIGINS

The Northern tundra of Canada is host to a certain romantic quality.  While Thunder Bay Ontario is considered a crossroads of the nation, it is not what you would call a popular tourist destination.  Cold 11 months of the year with a short summer known as July, Thunder Bay is for the rugged.  The weathered.  The tough.  Composed of big rocks, large rocks, giant rocks, and trees, the landscape is beautiful and dangerous.  The town of Thunder Bay itself is dark and bleak most of the year.  The Canadian tundra is harsh.

Yet over a decade ago in this location, an eccentric businessman and Scotch enthusiast, William W. Roderick Stewart III, broke ground and built an experimental new distillery, specializing in single malt whisky.  Top secret new formula.  If only it were Scotland, they could call it true Scotch.  The dark Thunder Bay soil, reasoned Stewart, led to exceptional wheat and rye.  The pure, clean spring waters of the North allowed him to create an especially potent single malt whisky.  In theory.  There were many sceptics in Thunder Bay, but just as many who were excited about the prospect of local whisky.  Stewart III had a spotty track record of wild theories, insane experiments, and the odd success amongst a sea of failures.  As he aged, he became more and more eccentric and experimental.  Now at the age of 90, rumours were that he was considering finally retiring.  Then he suddenly announced the opening of his long-awaited Thunder Bay distillery to the public, just as his first batch was ready.  Nobody could predict his moves.

Another announcement came just as winter was setting in Thunder Bay:  a wild contest, to win a guided tour of the grand opening of the distillery!  Stewart Distilleries dropped four invitations randomly over town.  Four lucky winners, and four guests, would get to taste the first whisky and see how it’s made.

In the middle of the night, the drones bearing one secret ticket each flew in separate directions over the darkened town, and dropped their treasures.

“You see this, buddy?” asked Deke to his best friend, Tee Bone.  Together they sat in a quiet cafe, enjoying the cold morning.  “That distillery is opening soon, and they dropped four tickets by drone over town for a special tour.  Think we should try looking?”

Tee Bone glanced at his friends’ newspaper and saw the story he was referring too.  His eyebrows raised in sudden interest.

“Really?  That’s pretty cool, actually,” said Tee Bone in surprise.  “I do love Scotch!…what are the odds of winning though?”

Deke scanned the newspaper for the info.  “Just four tickets for the whole town.  Each ticket holder gets to bring one guest.”‘

“Perfect!” exclaimed Tee Bone.  “Let’s go for a ride.”

The two friends finished their coffees and stepped outside the cafe, where Deke’s motorcycle awaited.  They donned their helmets and mounted the bike, Deke driving and Tee Bone on the back.  Strapped to Tee Bone’s body was his favourite red electric guitar, safely in a leather travel case, which he was rarely if ever separated from.  He had it with him today because he and Deke had planned to jam in Deke’s garage later on, but now they had other plans!  With a mighty roar, the bike zoomed down the street towards the forest by the old current river.

The day was starting to warm, but the two men had no luck searching for the special tickets.  They combed the forest, splitting up to cover more ground.  They agreed to meet back at the start by noon, and sure enough as the midday approached, Tee Bone and Deke met up where they started.

“Nothing eh?” asked Tee Bone.

“Nothing,” answered Deke.  “The newspaper said the tickets were bright red, so we know what we’re looking for at least.”

“Let’s not give up!” said Tee Bone.  “I really wanna win this.”

Though they were not discouraged, they certainly didn’t know where to try next.  Thunder Bay wasn’t terribly small.

“I got an idea,” said Deke.

The two men exited the hobby store with a brand new drone in hand.

“We’ll be able to see a red ticket sitting in white snow much more easily with this,” said Deke with confidence.  Tee Bone nodded in agreement.

“Did it have to be on my credit card though?” asked Tee.

“Well, you’re the real Scotch maniac, so my answer would be yes,” said Deke smugly.

Tee Bone sighed.  “Alright, well let’s get it in the air and see what we can see.”

Within the hour, Deke had surveilled the nearby neighborhood.  He began to guide the drone back to him so they could move on and try another area.  It was then that they spotted a flash of red caught by the drone’s camera eye.

“Wait!  Wait!  Go back!” shouted Tee Bone in excitement.  “I saw something on that rooftop!”

“You’re right man!” said Deke as he steered the drone to a rooftop they were standing directly under.  “It was up there the whole time!  It’s the secret ticket!”  At that exact moment, a giant black squirrel could be seen picking up the ticket in his mouth and running off with it.

“Oh, shit.” said Tee Bone.

The squirrel with the ticket jumped off the roof and darted over to a nearby tree.  The two men ran to the base of the tree.  The squirrel was several branches up, ticket firmly and brightly in his mouth.

“Can you climb?” asked Deke.

“At my age?” laughed Tee Bone.  He looked around for anything to use as a projectile.  There was nothing.

“I hate to do this, but I really want that ticket.  Can you go grab my distortion pedal from your bike’s side compartment?” asked Tee Bone.

“What for?” questioned Deke.  “You’re not going to try to throw it are you?”

“I’m going to try to throw it.”

“Jesus,” answered Deke as he ran back to the bike to get the distortion pedal.

Now Tee Bone had it in his right hand, and he was wound up ready to throw.  He aimed with a steely eye.  He could see the squirrel’s black glassy eye staring back at him, ticket still in mouth.

“Little rat bastard,” said Tee Bone as he launched the pedal at the squirrel.

He missed wildly, going way too high.  However, as the pedal hit an upper branch, it startled the animal which dropped the ticket and fled.  The pedal fell to the ground, broken but fulfilling its purpose.

“Yes!!!” said Tee Bone.  “A worthwhile exchange!  We’re going to the distillery buddy!”  Tee Bone hugged his best friend who was surprised at the sacrifice of the pedal for the ticket.  He scooped up the pedal’s remains and tossed it in his bike’s compartment.

“Well done, pal.  I didn’t think it would work.  Now let’s check out the details on the ticket.  The newspaper was light on details,” said Deke as he read the ticket aloud.

“To the finder of this ticket:  You are cordially invited by William W. Roderick Stewart III to the grand opening of Stewart Whisky Distilleries…” Deke stopped reading the ticket a moment.  “Dude, the tour is today!  We found this ticket just in time!  It’s two hours from now!”  He continued reading.  “It’s on the outskirts of town.  Let’s get on the bike and get there early.”

Tee Bone and Deke stood outside the distillery gates, guitar still strapped to Tee’s back.  It was starting to darken, and the sky threatened rain.  The two were not looking at the sky however, for before them stood what could only be called a castle.  A palace build of stone, with turrets and parapets.  It was huge, imposing, and strangely beautiful.  The two men just admired the building silently.

A few strangers began to arrive in pairs.  An elderly couple, a mother and daughter, and finally two men in sunglasses and crisp business suits arrived at the gates.

“Hey Deke,” said Tee Bone.  “Imagine owning this place.  Imagine the parties we could throw here.”

“No kidding eh?  That Stewart guy must be loaded.”

“Oh he is!” answered Tee Bone.  “He’s one of the top ten wealthiest men in the world.  But this must have cost him plenty.”

“I’ll say,” said Deke.

The gate creaked open with a loud squeal.  An old man and two attendants stood before them at the gate.  It was none other than William W. Roderick Stewart III himself!  A man with his money would be expected to be wearing the fanciest of designer suits, but no, he stood before them in little more than sneakers, jeans and a Led Zeppelin T-shirt, topped by a leather jacket.

“Welcome!  Welcome to my home, you lucky lucky winners!  Welcome to Stewart Whisky Distilleries, and my personal residence!”

“Wait a minute,” asked Deke.  “You live here?”

The old man laughed and smiled.  “Of course my boy!  It’s fully furnished with guest rooms, kitchens, laundry, all the accoutrements!”  He leaned in close and nudged Deke in the side.  “I have to live here; do you know what this place cost?”  Deke chuckled in response.

“Please, come in!” he welcomed all the guests.  He spied Tee Bone’s guitar on his back and smiled.  “I like this one!” he said pointing to Tee.  The elderly couple went in first, followed by the mother and daughter, and Tee Bone and Deke.  The old man held out his hand and stopped the two men in suits.

“Stop,” he said firmly.  He got directly into the suits’ faces, and sneered.  “These two are not welcome here.  Get the hell out!”

“What’s the problem, old man?” snickered the first suit.  “Getting too senile to remember that we had a ticket and are entitled to this tour?”

“You can stop with your condescension for one thing, son,” said the old man in response.  “I know who you are.  You were sent here by MegaScotch Corp. weren’t you?  Trying to steal my secrets again aren’t you?  I’m not so old that I don’t recognize you.”  Stewart gestured to his two attendants.  “Eject these men, please and thank you.”  The two attendants gruffly and firmly escorted the suits out the front gate and locked it behind them.

“I apologize,” said Stewart to the guests.  “You must understand, competition is fierce.  What I am doing here is completely new, never attempted before!  You’ll see.  Please, join me.  Through these doors, please.”

A massive pair of stainless steel doors stood before them.  Stewart opened them with a wave of a hand, and they slid open with hardly a sound.  “Come in!” he gestured.

Tee Bone and Deke gasped at the sight before them, a huge distillery, with massive shining vats full of whisky goodness.  Pipes and tanks were closely monitored by numerous technicians in lab coats.  They scurried around like mice, attending their various tasks, keeping watch over the many dials, consoles, gauges and monitors.

 

“This is where the magic happens!” said Stewart.  “Technology is the future and our business must adapt!  Here within these walls I have created innovative, radical, unprecedented formulas that will eventually take Scotch to new levels.  Would you like a wee dram?”  All the guests nodded eagerly.  Stewart made a gesture, and soon an attendant was at his side with a cart, bearing seven glasses of whisky.

“This is my newest formula, going to market next week,” announced Stewart with pride.  He and the six guests each hoisted a glass.  “Slainte!” he cheered as they downed their shots.

“Wow!” gasped Tee Bone with surprise and a little bit of burning pain in his throat.  “That’s some whisky!  I can see why those guys were trying to get in here,” said Tee Bone.  A nice buzz was setting in already.  “This stuff is great.  I’ll be buying a case next week for sure!”

“Perhaps you won’t need to buy it,” said the old man slyly, “but we’ll see.”  Tee Bone gave the man a questioning stare.

“Excuse me, Mr. Stewart?” asked the mother in attendance.  “But what’s that?”  She pointed to another pair of stainless steel doors with the universal symbol for radiation painted in bright yellow upon them.

“What’s that?” answered the eccentric old man.  “That is the future!”

“Is this dangerous?” asked the woman with more concern.  “Are we being exposed to radiation right now?”

The old man hemmed and hawed but took his time answering.  He shrugged.  “No.  Maybe a little.”

“A little?  How much is a little?” she asked, becoming more and more serious.

“Those walls are lined with three feet of lead and seven more feet of reinforced concrete.  Don’t worry about radiation.  Look at me!  I’m perfectly fine!  And I live here!”  A bead of sweat rolled down his nose.

The woman put down her glass.  “You know what, this has been fun, lotsa luck, we’re gone.  Come on, we’re leaving!” she said to her daughter.  An attendant escorted them out.

“I think we’re done too,” said the elderly couple.  “Thanks for the drink.”  Another attendant showed them to the door.

The old billionaire harrumphed.  “How about you two?” he asked Tee Bone and Deke.  “You scared too?”

They looked back at each other and shrugged.

“Nah, we’re good, let’s finish the tour,” said Tee Bone.

“Fearless!” said the old man in approval.  “Just the kind of man I’m looking for.”

“Ah. OK,” answered Tee Bone with a slightly worried tone.  “What’s going on here?  You’ve been acting weird towards me ever since I walked through those gates.  You wanna explain?”

The old man paused a moment.  “Come with me to my office.  Let’s jam,” he invited.

“Jam?” asked Deke.  “What do you mean jam?”

“Well, this Led Zeppelin shirt isn’t just for show you know.  I used to be young like you.  I was there at Olympic Studios, watching them record just after they changed their name from the New Yardbirds.”  The old man paused, considering his next words very carefully.  “In fact, it’s quite possible you were there too.”

“I was just an infant,” answered Tee Bone, “I appreciate that we both like good rock music.  However I’d prefer some answers over a jam session.”

The old man motioned them to follow him.  “You brought a guitar, you must want to jam.  Come upstairs.  You need to see what I have in my office.  You’re going to love it.  Trust me!  Come with me, please.  All your questions will be answered soon.”

The two friends shrugged and followed the old man up a staircase to a large second floor office.

“I refuse to take elevators,” said the old man.  “Keeps me in shape!  Please, come in!”  He opened a door to a lavish office.  The glass walls offered a perfect view of the distillery below.  On the opposite wall was something else entirely.  The two friends gasped!  They had never seen anything like what stood before them now.  Adorning the entire wall was an array of amplifiers.  Tee Bone grinned sheepishly, took the guitar off his back and unzipped the case.

“Wow!” he said unable to find better words.  “I had no idea you were this serious about music.”  He admired the wall of amps.  “All Marshalls.  Highly modified though.  I…I can’t quite identify all the electronics here.  What have you done to the amps?”

“Be my guest, plug in, give it a try!”  Stewart handed him a cord, which Tee Bone plugged in with a loud buzz.  He was taken aback at the sheer power he now held in his hands.  He hit a power chord and was nearly knocked flat off his feet.  He loosened up with a Van Halen riff:  “Runnin’ With the Devil”.  He smiled as he enjoyed the rich tone blasting him back in his face.  He attempted some two handed tapping.  Then some clean picking.  Everything he attempted sounded great!

“I don’t know what you’ve done here, but the tone is so warm, so clean, and so powerful!” he yelled over the sound of his guitar.

“That’s the nuclear power you’re hearing!” answered Stewart.

Tee Bone’s mouth dropped open.  “Nuclear?” he asked.  “This sucker’s powered by nuclear?”

“Yes, of course my boy!  They’re 100% nuclear.  What do you think I’m brewing here?  The future!  And the future is nuclear!  Soon I’ll be presenting to the world the first whisky brewed by nuclear distillation!  The excess power from the reactor powers my whole amplifier rig!  It will change the way we record rock music.  In 10 years there won’t be a guitarist in the world without a miniature nuclear-powered amp in his gear.  Wait until you hear the sustain you can get with it!”

Tee Bone put down his guitar.  “OK, this is getting really weird.  I’m not sure how comfortable I am anymore.”  Deke nodded in agreement.  “The fact that you built a nuclear reactor in your home to brew whisky and power your amplifiers is beyond eccentric and borders on psychotic.”

The old man sighed.  There was a long silence as he looked down at his desk.  “It’s time I come clean,” said the old man, dropping his excitable persona and taking on a dark, serious tone.  “I’m sorry I have misled you, Tee Bone,” he said grimly.

“I never told you my name,” said Tee Bone with concern.

“I know you haven’t.  Neither has Deke.  I’ve been watching you two a long time.”  He took a deep breath, and sighed. “I planted that ticket on the roof,” he confessed.  “The other three tickets were found legitimately by the other winners.  I tracked you down, and planted your ticket where you could find it.  Boys, I want you to take over this place.”

“What?” Deke and Tee Bone simultaneously shouted.  “Us?  Why us?  We don’t know anything about distilling single malt whisky.  We just know about drinking it,” said Tee Bone.

The old man grinned a huge grin.  “This isn’t about the whisky.  I can teach you that.  What I can’t teach you is heart.  And you boys have heart.  I’ve watched you two for years.  I’ve…even seen a glimpse of your futures.  You are the right men for the job.  I know it in my soul.  Tee Bone and Deke, I want you to take my place.”

The two sat in the office, stunned.  “I don’t know what to say,” answered Tee Bone.

“Just say yes!” smiled the old man.

As Deke was about to open his mouth with another question, an alarm sounded.  Red lights began to flash all around the distillery.  Attendants and technicians ran away from their stations.

“Oh no,” said the old man.  “MegaScotch Corp. are back.”

An explosion rocked the distillery.  Smoke.  Rubble.  Sirens.  The sprinkler system sprung into action.  Glass shattered.  Tee Bone, Deke and Stewart were thrown from their second floor vantage point.  The three landed in a vat of whisky, marked by the universal symbol for radiation.  The three men floated in it, helplessly doomed to drown.  Stunned by the explosion, they bobbed in the vat, while smoke streamed overhead.  Stewart was bleeding from an impact to the head.  Deke was stunned unconscious.  Tee Bone was knocked out but still holding onto his guitar, which miraculously was still plugged into the nuclear amplifiers.  A second explosion rocked the castle and a jolt of nuclear energy blew out the wall of amps above.  Without warning, atomic nuclei flowed through the cable into Tee Bone’s guitar.  Zapped awake, the man screamed in pain.  But the pain was soon met and overpowered by another feeling: that of growing strength.  The energy flowed into the guitar, through his fingers and into his blood.  Like alchemy, the nuclear powered amps reacted with the whisky, amplifying its power beyond measure.  This power flowed unchecked into Tee Bone’s heart, his liver, his lungs, his brain, his every organ.  He became like a living dynamo.  He began to float, not just in the whisky, but above, into the air!

“What…is…happening?” asked Tee Bone, but no one could answer.  As electricity jolted from the guitar to his fingers, he saw that he was now hanging in mid air over the vat.  Deke and Stewart didn’t have much time left.

By pure instinct and nothing more, Tee Bone floated down to his friend and the eccentric madman who had caused this in the first place.  Lifting with all his might, he carried the two men and flew through a hole in ceiling, outside to safety.  Deke blinked awake.  Stewart lay wounded, bleeding.

“What the hell just happened?” asked Deke to Tee Bone.  “Dude…you’re glowing.  Like literally glowing.”

Tee Bone looked down at his hands and they were indeed glowing, as little bolts of electricity darted from one finger to another.

“I’m fine.  Stay here.  I gotta find the MegaCorp guys who did this!  Take care of Stewart!”

Deke cradled the old man in his arms as Tee Bone launched himself in the air.

“I can flyyyyyyyyyyyyy!” he screamed as he soared.  From up high he saw the two men in the suits running away from the scene of their sabotage.  They weren’t going to get away with it.  Not if Tee Bone had anything to say about it.

Tee Bone found that flying was as instinctive as walking.  He climbed, and dove upon the two suits.

“Let’s try something,” said Tee Bone with guitar still in hand.  He pulled a pick from his jeans pocket and lined his fingers up for a perfect power chord.  He aimed his axe at the fleeing men, and strummed.  A stream of Scotch-powered energy blasted from his guitar directly at his targets.  The blast knocked one of them right off his feet.  The other kept running.

“Not so fast!” commanded Tee Bone from the air.  “You been Thunderstruck!”  A second chord, even more powerful this time, created a crater where the second man once stood.  He was thrown against a tree and knocked cold by the sheer power.

“Wow,” said Tee Bone.  “Talk about a gear upgrade!”  He turned and swiftly flew back to his friend and the old man.

Deke sat on the ground attending to the fallen Stewart.

“What the hell man?” asked Deke to his best friend.  “You can…fly now?”

“Apparently,” answered Tee Bone, as he successfully attempted his first landing; a little stiff but not bad.  “Can’t you fly?”

Deke lay Stewart down on the ground, stood up and stretched his arms skyward, and jumped.  “Nope.  I got zilch.  How come you can fly and I can’t?”

“I honestly don’t know man, I was knocked out too!  How’s the old man?”

Stewart was awake now, but seriously wounded.  “I’m fine,” he answered.  “Better than ever, right as rain!”  He coughed up blood.  “Well, that’s a lie…I’m dying boys.  But I’m OK with that.  I wanted you two to run my business for me.  Yet I see something even more remarkable has happened.  Just as I knew!  My distillery is destroyed.  The nuclear reactor…ruined.  But the castle walls remain intact.  Strong, they were designed to be impenetrable!  I had many enemies.  Too many spies and saboteurs and the like, after my secrets.  Now you two will guard them.  All my technology.  All my advancements…I pass them on to you now, Tee Bone and Deke.”

The old man coughed up more blood.

“Easy Stewart,” said Deke in a calming voice.  “Paramedics are on their way, just hang in there, don’t try to speak.”

“No!” sputtered the old madman.  “No…this is too important, you must listen to me.  The legal documents are all drafted, in your email and waiting for you to sign.  I’m passing this castle…my palace, my home…and all it contains, onto you.”  He turned to look at Deke.  “I sense great potential in you Deke.  Super potential.  Find all my technology inside my vaults.  My designs.  Learn from them.  Use them.  Create mighty weapons to defend yourselves.  Guide Tee Bone.  He serves a higher purpose now.”  He coughed, knowing his end was near, but determined to say what he needed to say.  “Tee Bone, you have been granted great power, and you must use it wisely.  I can see your heart.  It is a heart of rock.  You must defend rock and roll from the forces of evil.  I know they are coming.  They will sense your power, and they will seek you out too.  You must not allow them to win.  This isn’t about Scotch anymore, this is about you and your potential.  You can do great things.  You can save the world.  Tee Bone…”  The old man went into a coughing fit.  “You can save rock and roll.”  The two tried to comfort him, but the paramedics were still far and time was short.

The old man sat up one last time.

“Tee Bone…Deke…there are more things in Heaven and Earth, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.  They will be coming.  You…must…be prepared…for…the Devil…is in…the details.”

With a gasp, the old man passed into another world.  Tee Bone and Deke cradled his body.  Tee Bone shed a tear.  He would never be the same again after this day.

Six months later.

Together, and with the help of all the remarkable technology they had discovered in Stewart’s archives, the castle had been restored.  The old distillery was gone.  The reactor dismantled.  In its place, the two had designed a rock solid base of operations.  Deke had converted the reactor room to a killer garage, for his bike and racks upon racks of storage, waiting for new gadgets for him to invent.  He’d been studying the old man’s tech for half a year now, and had some pretty innovative ideas of his own.

In the living room of the castle, Deke had finished setting up the brand new stereo.

“It was awful nice of Paul from PS Audio to send us these FR-30 loudspeakers.  You know how much they cost?  $30 grand a pair, man.  That’s US dollars.  Not including the shipping.”

“Well, I did save him from a Sasquatch,” answered Tee Bone.  “He did kinda owe us.  I didn’t even know they had Sasquatches down there in Colorado.  Are you ready to give them a trial run?” asked Tee Bone as he pushed a couch into position, across from Deke’s armchair.

“I think so,” said Deke.  “I just need you to pick an album to listen to first!”

Tee Bone smiled and leafed through the record racks.  “I know exactly the one.  It just came from Amazon last week.  I thought, considering recent events in our lives, I’d go with a super hero theme.  Put on LP one, side two, track two, if you will!”

Deke looked at the sleeve and grinned.  “Good pick man!”  He removed the Iron Man 2 soundtrack LP from its sleeve and dropped the needle on track two.  The scream of AC/DC’s Brian Johnson flooded the room with the best audio the two men had ever heard in their lives.

“I was caught, In the middle of a railroad track!  Thunder!” sang Johnson and AC/DC.  The FR-30 speakers filled the room with sound, as if the band was right there in the room with them.  Just as Paul McGowan had promised, it was the best sound either man had ever heard.

“Holy shit!” mouthed Tee Bone to Deke silently.

“You been…Thunderstruck!” screamed Johnson as the two men rocked and rolled to the music.  Tee Bone began to dance across the room.  With a hoot, he kicked off his socks, which landed somewhere over by the LP rack.

“This is awesome!” said Deke.  “I can’t believe this all happened because we fell into a vat of radioactive hooch!”

“But don’t forget, Deke,” cautioned Tee Bone, “With great rock, comes great responsibility.”  Deke nodded in understanding.

“I was thinking of starting to wear a cape,” said Tee Bone.  “Maybe come up with a superhero name.  How does ‘Tee Bone Man’ sound?” he asked.

Deke gave it the thumbs down and made a farting noise with his mouth.  “Lame!”

“Oh, like it’s worse than ‘Superdekes’?  Just for that, I’m wearing a cape next time.” guffawed Tee Bone Man.

“Whatever!” said Superdekes.  “Listen man, get the Scotch, we have to do something.”  Tee Bone went over to the bar and grabbed the finest bottle of Scotch he owned.  It was a bottle of 2018 Stewart brand Scotch.  Tee Bone smiled in memory of the crazy old man who made all this possible, as he poured two wee drams.  He handed Deke his glass.

Superdekes stood up straight.  “This is for you, Stewart,” he said as he raised his glass.  He looked around and then announced, “I hereby dub this castle ‘Deke’s Palace’!”

Tee Bone was about to drink, but then put his glass down.  “Hey!  I thought we agreed on ‘Tee Bone’s Pad & Scotch Emporium’?”

“Nope!  Too late, I called it!  Welcome to Deke’s Palace buddy!”

The two men smiled and hugged.  At that exact moment, the record began skipping.  “Thunder…thunder…thunder…” skipped Johnson.

Both heroes knew what that meant.  Superdekes sprang into action.  “Danger vibes coming through on the turntable!” said Dekes.  “Time to rock!  Let’s suit up.”  He grabbed a black motorcycle helmet from the wall.

“Sasquatch sighting again?” said Tee Bone Man as he strapped a black Van Halen mask to his face, and put on a fresh pair of socks.

“Looks like it,” answered Deke, checking a scanner he kept strapped on his utility belt.

“Alright, let’s fly!” commanded Tee Bone Man.  “Oh wait…you can’t,” he snickered in mischief.

“Yeah yeah,” said Deke.  “Hah hah.  I’ll be on my bike, meet me at these exact coordinates.”  He showed Tee Bone the location on the screen.

“Let’s rock!” screamed Tee Bone Man as he launched himself through a window.  Superdekes was not far behind on his motorcycle and with a backpack packed full of new gadgets.  Both men knew that this was their lives now:  saving people, stopping bad guys, saving rock and roll, and hopefully having a good time doing it.

For the Adventures of Tee Bone Man and Superdekes were only beginning!

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE

Chapter Zero:  Tee Bone Man – Origins (by LeBrain)

Chapter One: A Friend in Need (by LeBrain)

Chapter Two: Hell Freezes Over (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Three: Hell Ain’t A Bad Place to Be (by LeBrain)

Chapter Four: Tee Bone Man and the Rink of…Doom? (by Aaron KMA)

Chapter Five: The Super Duper Vault (by John T. Snow)

Chapter Six: Tee Bone Man Goes to Camp (by LeBrain)

Chapter Seven:  The Revenge of Common Knowledge (by LeBrain)

Chapter Eight:  Tee Bone & Deke’s Time Travelling Adventure (by 80sMetalMan)

Chapter Nine:  Castle Communications (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Ten:  The Case of the Lost Iron Maiden Socks (by LeBrain)

Chapter Eleven:  A Tee Bone Man Christmas (by all five of us)

Chapter Twelve:  Lost In Space (by John T. Snow)

Chapter Thirteen:  Clip Show (by LeBrain)

 

THE EXTENDED LEBRAINIVERSE

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie vs. Tommy Lee in the Bouncy Castle of Doom! (By LeBrain)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie and the Quest for the Lost Lego (By LeBrain with Harrison Kopp)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation (By LeBrain)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation Part 2 (By LeBrain) Coming Soon

 

 

The Writer’s Room: Chapter One

The Writer’s Room:  It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like a Tee Bone Man Christmas

 

The Adventures of Tee Bone Man Chapter 13: A Tee Bone Man Clip Show

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN CHAPTER XIII:  A TEE BONE MAN CLIP SHOW

Incognito!  Without his mask, nobody recognized the superhero named Tee Bone Man browsing the vinyl at the record store.  And without his helmet, nobody knew it was Superdekes himself currently working his way through the rock section.  There he was, in the flesh, studiously looking for Kiss bootlegs.  Vinyl only.  Superdekes doesn’t do CD.

“Hey Deke, check this out!” said Tee Bone in his civvies, next to Superdekes in the H section.  “Helix!  Does this remind you of anybody?”

Deke grabbed the Helix record from his friend’s hands.  “Yeah!  Southern Ontario rock!  Breakin’ Loose!  You know who really liked this album?  That Brainiac guy from down south, remember him?”  Tee Bone nodded in the affirmative with a heartfelt smile.

Just as Deke held the record, a store clerk could be heard shouting, “Hey, we’re all out of Helix!” to the manager in the back.

“I remember those guys…Brainiac gave us that sweet Lego Deke’s Motorcycle for Christmas!” said Deke as he gazed upon the vinyl.  “I’m gonna get this one.  Brainiac says it’s their best album.”

Tee Bone continued to flip.  “Yeah, but he also puts Black Sabbath’s Born Again as his favourite album of all time, so take everything he says about music with a grain of salt,” reminded Tee Bone.  “Still, I sure am glad we saved those guys from a Sasquatch last year!  Solid group of fellas, those Southern Ontario guys.  ‘Sausagefesters’ is what they called their group.  Not sure what that means.”

 

“Not sure I wanna know,” answered Deke.  “That was so early in our adventures!” he reminisced.  “You had just started wearing a cape, against my advice, and I didn’t even have a flying motorcycle yet.  The paint was still fresh at Deke’s Palace.”

“Back when you were still bitching that I could fly, but you couldn’t!” laughed Tee Bone.

Deke harumphed.  “I still don’t understand how that happened,” said Deke.

“Now’s not the time for origin stories,” shushed Tee Bone.  “Let’s get back to looking at the records.”

Deke had shuffled over to the A section so an old man could pass by.  He spied from the corner of his eye, AC/DC.  “Hey Tee…AC/DC’s Iron Man 2 soundtrack.  First record we ever played at Deke’s Palace, if you wanna talk about origin stories!”

Tee Bone smiled at the memory.  The first song ever played at the Palace!  He remembered so clearly.  But then another memory came to mind.  “You know what AC/DC really reminds me of?” he asked.  “Australia!”

Deke laughed.  “Oh yeah!  Not that I got see much of it,” he remembered.  “You met that Harrison guy down there, El Moustachio.  That was the time we had to stop earthquakes that were tearing the planet apart.  He helped you find an actual highway to hell and a vehicle hardy enough to handle it!  But I missed that part since I can’t fly…”

“Oh you shush,” chided Tee Bone.  “You finished your flying motorcycle and joined us just in time,” he reminded his friend.  “It was Highway To Hell that was the key album to the whole affair,” he remembered as he grabbed the album from the racks.  “Original Albert productions edition.  Hah!  Little did we expect to run into the great Satan himself at the end of it all!”

“Yeah,” laughed Deke.  “What a knob he is!”

“Total dickhead!” responded Tee Bone.  “And he can’t even hold his liquor!  But that Harrison really proved his mettle down there.  He stood right up to that big red douche canoe.”  He paused.  “Satan seems to have become a bit of a recurring villain in our story, hey Deke?”

“Unfortunately!” answered Superdekes.  “But it all worked out in the end, we saved the world, and Harrison joined Team Tee Bone didn’t he?”

“Pretty much!” answered Tee who had wandered over to compilations.  “Well ho-leee shit!  Would you look at this!” he exclaimed and nudged his best friend, at the record he had just found.  “How rare is this?”

Deke lowered his glasses to better see this record that got his pal so excited.  “Wow!  1972, the official Hockey Night in Canada album.  First ever release of ‘The Hockey Theme’.  Rare, but not holy grail rare,” answered Deke.  “I’ll bet you know what this reminds me of!”

“Hah!” laughed Tee Bone.  “Brad Marchand!  The Rink of Doom!”  Talk about a douche…”

“That guy was more of a big rat,” answered Deke.

“An attention hog!” laughed Tee Bone.  “He went to great lengths to set up a trap for us, try to kill us, and make it appear that it was all just a dream, as some kind of joke?”

“Too many Batman comics,” deadpanned Deke.  “That was one celebrity I did not enjoy meeting,” he sighed.  “But we hardly had a break!  Immediately after getting home from hell, Marchand pulled his shenanigans.  Then right after the Bruins game that followed, that idiot Snowman caught Satan’s attention.”  Deke made his way back to the Kiss section and pulled out Gene Simmons’ 1978 solo album.

Deke began to recall the circumstances.  “Snowman really did it to himself by buying that Gene Simmons Super Duper Vault box set.  He had to build a second house just to store it!  666 CDs of unreleased Simmons songs.  Who the hell would want that?”

“Who the hell indeed!” laughed Tee Bone.  “Our truce with Lucifer didn’t last long, and he sent those Knights In Satan’s Service to kill the Snowman and take the box set.”

“Except he called us!” shouted Deke.  “As if we’re his own personal security service!  And then the box set sucked so bad, Satan left in a huff as if nothing had happened!”

Tee Bone recalled, “He even showed up for a party at my Campground afterwards.  We nicknamed it Devil’s Deck from that point on…”  Tee Bone walked over to the C section and grabbed a copy of the debut Coney Hatch record.  “Take all you got!  Hell’s so hot!” he quoted as he admired the stunning artwork.  The lines were hypnotic.  The colours so deep.  His eyes began to turn glassy as he stared.  His left hand began to quiver.  “Devil’s Deck…Camp…that goddamned rodent…”  The Coney Hatch record dropped to the ground as Tee Bone began to shake.  He placed a hand on the record shelving to steady himself.

He began talking to himself as he stood there shaking.  “Camp…the squirrel ‘squee-ing’ all day and night…I’ll never tell Deke what really happened at Camp,” as if Deke wasn’t there with him.

Deke handed his friend a cold bottle of water, which Tee Bone grabbed and drank thirstily.  “Thanks Deke…sorry about that.  Just a dizzy spell, nothing to worry about.”

“You were talking about Camp and then started shaking!” responded Deke.  He decided to get straight with his best friend.  “Are you ever going to tell me what really happened at Camp?”  All Deke knew was that Tee Bone needed a break after all that non-stop action, and so decided to take a week off at his Camp.  Shortly thereafter, Deke discovered that one of his expensive rockets was fired from Camp to Australia, and that Tee Bone had not been the same since then.  He was jittery, irritable and prone to episodes such as the one we just witnessed.

“I already told you, I got a sunburn,” evaded Tee Bone.  “That can have an effect on people,” he rationalized.

“…Yeah but not half a year later…” Deke mumbled.  “Anyway,” he said aloud, “Let’s keep looking for vinyl.  Can you check Motley Crue for me?  I still want an original Leathur Records copy of Too Fast For Love.”

Tee Bone shuffled over to the M section and chuckled.  “Oooh…I got something better for you than that!”  He pulled a record from the M’s.  “Don’t you still need Lean Into It by Mr. Big?”

Deke took the record out of his friend’s hands and stuffed it into the miscellaneous M’s.  “That friggin’ guy…” he mumbled.

“Your arch nemesis, Common Knowledge, considered by some to be the greatest bassist alive today,” chided Tee Bone.

“Yeah well Geddy Lee might have something to say about that,” retorted Deke.  “Besides, I remain undefeated and I took him down that time single-handed.  Didn’t need your help, fly boy!”

Tee Bone laughed, “You sure didn’t!  Yep, I would say you soundly humbled him that time.  Not to mention you really upped your game as far as your tech and gadgets go.”

“True, I am a genius,” laughed Deke.  “Unlike that prick Common Knowledge!”

Right next to the M section, Tee Bone spied a copy of Led Zeppelin I.  Gazing at the aged vintage copy from 1969, Tee Bone gasped at the price tag.  “Jesus!  This sure didn’t cost this much in 1969!”  Deke’s jaw dropped as he leaned into it to look.

“And we’d know, since we were there!” he answered.

“Right you are!” said Tee Bone.  “Hard to believe we saved all of heavy metal in our time travelling adventure.  Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath, Aerosmith…all in their primes!”

“Not to mention meeting the ghosts of Dio, Lemmy, Bonham and Hanneman!” exclaimed Deke.  “That has to be one of our coolest adventures to date, don’t you think?” asked the superhero.

“Oh, absolutely,” agreed Tee Bone.  “Top three for sure.  I mean, you cannot understate the importance of what we did.  This wasn’t just saving some rich guy’s Gene Simmons Vault.”, he spat.  “This was saving all of heavy metal for all time!  That Suplee character really had a stick up his ass about good music,” concluded Tee Bone.  “Although we do owe a huge debt to the MetalMan for the assist on that one.  It may even tie into our origin story somehow, if you sidestep the causality loops.”

Deke scratched his head.  “Maybe we can buy this sweet ‘Black Night’ single by Deep Purple for the MetalMan?” asked Deke.

“Hey, that’s a cool record,” said Tee Bone as he checked out the picture sleeve.  “‘Black Night’…talk about epic adventures!  You know the one I’m talking about!”

“Oh, that’s right!  The castle,” said Deke.  “You lost your guitar on that mission.”

“True,” remembered Tee Bone, “But I’ll find a new weapon one day.”

“This was another one of our encounters with Satan and El Moustachio,” said Deke as he looked at the record.  He made room for another shopper who was passing by.

“Great adventure, that was,” said the passing customer.  “Lots of good word play in that one.”  He slipped off into the jazz aisle.

“Word play?  What’s he talking about?” asked Tee Bone.  “Did he recognize us?”

Deke shrugged.  “I dunno, but put on your sunglasses and keep your head down a bit,” he advised.

Tee Bone did as advised and moved to another section of the record store.  Now over by the box sets, there was less of a crowd.  Only those with plenty of liquid currency could afford the treasures behind the glass doors.  And there sat a first run Iron Maiden Eddie’s Archive box set, mint and complete.

“Would you look at that!” exclaimed Deke.  “I know it’s CD, but that’s still a beauty Maiden item right there.  Fortunately I got the Beast Over Hammersmith with my deluxe Number of the Beast vinyl.”

“I’ll bet you can guess what this reminds me of!” laughed Tee Bone.  “Maiden socks!”

Deke laughed.  “Of all the weird things we have encountered, a pair of cursed Iron Maiden socks seemed the least likely!  But then again we’ve run into a lot of weird stuff over the last year.  We could have avoided that whole ordeal if we just listened to that Aaron fellow from Southern Ontario.”

“Yep,” said Tee Bone.  “Lesson learned.  But at least we got to see him and thank him at Christmas.”

“That we did!” smiled Deke.  Man, we had a great Christmas this year.  And you have to admit, that Snowman guy really paid us back for the hard work we did on his behalf.  That Frankenstrat…the Mr. Big songwriting royalties…he’s a generous guy even if he is an idiot.”  Deke spied a vinyl copy of “The 12 Days of Christmas” by Bob and Doug McKenzie behind the glass.  “Nice collectable.  I’ll take it.”

Tee Bone smacked his head.  “I can’t believe that Snowman paid Gene Simmons to promote his WordPress post about the Simmons soda…which was a promotion for Gene Simmons in the first place!”

“Like I said, what an idiot!” laughed Deke.  “And then we had to rescue him from Mars!”

“That was honestly pretty sweet,” said Tee Bone.  “I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you about that secret hangar we built, with functional X-Wing and TIE Advanced fighters on standby.  It was a need-to-know kind of thing, until you needed to know.”

“No worries man,” said Deke as he patted his pal on the back.  “I can’t believe I have my very own X-Wing fighter now!” he gleamed.

“Is that a decided thing??” asked Tee Bone.  “So like, I never get to fly the X-Wing?  I always have to fly the TIE?” he questioned.

“I guess we’ll see!” teased Deke.  “I’m going to get this record,” as he pointed to a vintage John Williams Close Encounters of the Third Kind soundtrack.  Deke motioned to a clerk to retrieve the record from behind the glass.  “Not for my collection,” clarified Deke to Tee Bone.  “I know a couple guys in Southern Ontario who’ll be fighting over this baby.”

“Why not send it to Snowman for his growing collection of Richard Dreyfuss memorabilia?” laughed Tee Bone.  The two friends made their way to the checkout counter.  “In fact, he’s paying for it anyway.”  Tee Bone removed a credit card from his wallet.

“Isn’t that the key to the X-Wing hanger?” Deke asked of the card.

“Not this one, no,” answered Tee Bone.  “This is Snowman’s actual credit card.  It fell out of his pants when he was buried on Mars.  And this shopping trip is his payment for us having to save his butt again!”

Deke laughed some more.  “I won’t say a word!”  He grabbed a few magazines from the rack to add to the Snowman’s generosity.  A Classic Rock retrospective on Neil Peart, a Rolling Stone expose on Tommy Lee being abducted by aliens, and a Metal Edge featuring a hot new all-female Van Halen tribute band out of California.

After paying, the two men stepped out into the crisp Thunder Bay air.

“Great record store!” cheered Deke.  “Remember when this place used to sell drones and remote control cars?  I’m sure glad they closed and this record store opened.”

“Me too,” agreed Tee Bone, “Though even that brings us right back to our origin story, doesn’t it?  Now let’s go have a Scotch back at the Palace.  I got a bottle of Stewart’s I’ve been saving since the day I got my super powers.”

“Are we ever going to learn how you got your powers and I didn’t?” asked Deke as he sat on his flying motorcycle.

Tee Bone exposed his cape from under his winter jacket and prepared to fly.  He winked.

“Yes!” he answered simply as he took to the skies one more time.

NEXT TIME:  You’ve waited a whole year…it’s time for TEE BONE MAN…ORIGINS!

 

 

 

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE

Chapter Zero:  Tee Bone Man – Origins (by LeBrain) Coming March 2023

Chapter One: A Friend in Need (by LeBrain)

Chapter Two: Hell Freezes Over (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Three: Hell Ain’t A Bad Place to Be (by LeBrain)

Chapter Four: Tee Bone Man and the Rink of…Doom? (by Aaron KMA)

Chapter Five: The Super Duper Vault (by John Snow)

Chapter Six: Tee Bone Man Goes to Camp (by LeBrain)

Chapter Seven:  The Revenge of Common Knowledge (by LeBrain)

Chapter Eight:  Tee Bone & Deke’s Time Travelling Adventure (by 80sMetalMan)

Chapter Nine:  Castle Communications (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Ten:  The Case of the Lost Iron Maiden Socks (by LeBrain)

Chapter Eleven:  A Tee Bone Man Christmas (by all five of us)

Chapter Twelve:  Lost In Space (by John T. Snow)

Chapter Thirteen:  Clip Show (by LeBrain)

 

THE EXTENDED LEBRAINIVERSE

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie vs. Tommy Lee in the Bouncy Castle of Doom! (By LeBrain)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie and the Quest for the Lost Lego (By LeBrain with Harrison Kopp)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation (By LeBrain)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation Part 2 (By LeBrain) Coming Soon

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie Van Heelin’s Winter Vacation (By LeBrain and California Girl) Coming this spring/summer

 

The Writer’s Room: Chapter One

The Writer’s Room:  It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like a Tee Bone Man Christmas

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’: Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation [By Mike and @MarriedandHeels]

EDIE VAN HEELIN’S CANADIAN VACATION

by Mike and @MarriedandHeels

Fanboy Mike had a roaring fire going.  First fire of the season!  Early spring was a remarkable time at the cottage.  It was not yet too hot, but wearing shorts was still possible.  Birds chirped above.  Green was returning to the world.  Peace was in the cool air all around him.  Decked out in his best camo shorts, Crocs, and Croclights, Mike was preparing for company.  For today he was expecting a visit from his good pal and all around superhero, Edie Van Heelin’.  Her adventures kept her busy – retrieving lost Lego from the forces of evil, defeating a rogue Tommy Lee, battling aliens – but every hero deserves a vacation, and Edie Van Heelin’ set aside this whole weekend for just visiting.  No hero-ing, no saving the animals this weekend, just hanging out and having a good time.  Mike was looking forward to it.

On a laptop on the deck, he had the tunes blaring.  Starting with Fair Warning by Van Halen, he thought back to the first time he met Edie at a club.  Her tribute band Van Heelin’ were just starting to make a name for themselves and he was blown away with her technique on guitar.  Every hammer-on and pull-off was perfect, and she didn’t even chip a nail.  She had it all:  the glam and the skills.  This weekend was gonna rock!  David Lee Roth warned of “Mean Street” while Mike smiled cleaning the grill, preparing for a weekend of steak and veggies.

Periodically as he worked (and played air guitar), he looked up to the sky.  Edie should be rocketing here any moment.  Where was she?  It wasn’t like her to be late.

“We’re searching for the latest thing, a break in this routine, talkin’ some new kicks, ones like you ain’t never seen!” sceamed Roth.

“Yeah man!” whooped Mike as he punched the air.  “This weekend will rock!”  Back home, his beloved wife Jen had a girl’s weekend lined up, and was letting him cut loose a little extra hard this time.  No compulsory Tim Horton’s runs, no hockey, and music as loud as he wanted it.  But where was Edie?

It was then that he heard a honking in the driveway.  He ran around to the front of the cottage to see a jeep towing a sizeable trailer pulling in!  The sound of “American Girl” by Tom Petty poured from the windows.

“The heck?  Who’s this?” he wondered.

The jeep squeezed in as far it could.  With roof and windows off, the vehicle was prepared for summer.  With its massive trailer, it took up virtually the whole driveway.  The engine stopped, and driver’s side door opened.

Decked out in a short, low cut floral spring dress, and some cute wedges that tied around the ankles, stepped Edie Van Heelin’ in full Vacation Mode!

“Whoah Edie!  You drove?” exclaimed Mike in shock.

“You bet I did!” she answered as they hugged.  “Had to bring my new portable Shoe Shed.  We have work to do!”

Mike stepped back.  “Waaaaaaait a minute.  We agreed.  We’re not hero-ing this weekend.  We’re taking it easy.  That was the plan.”

Edie removed her shades.  “You did tell me we’d take pictures, Fanboy!  ‘Best sunsets in the world’ – that’s what you said right?”

“Yes, but…” he began to answer.

“Well this is how I take pictures!” she answered matter-of-factly.  “How am I supposed to know which pair of heels to wear?  Had to bring them all.”

Mike nodded his head.  “Of course.  Silly of me!”  He motioned toward the front steps.  “Please, follow me!  I’ll put on some tea and get you settled.  Oh, and I’ll put on some tunes for you – Fleetwood Mac?”  Edie nodded yes, and Mike put on “Songbird”.  As Christine McVie’s voice began to take over the living room, another sound began to creep through the walls.  A loud vehicle outside.

Mike peered out through the windows.

“Ah, no.  Renters!  Crap!” he exclaimed.

“Renters, is that bad?” asked Edie.

“I guess we’ll see,” cautioned Mike as he saw a man get out of a large black pickup truck at the property across the road.  “He’s already almost blocking the path to the lake, so that’s not a good start.”

“Ignore it,” advised Edie with a smile.  “Let’s get the fun started!”

With that, tea was brewed, music was selected, deck chairs arranged, hammock installed, and heels selected.  The weekend had officially begun.

“There must be some kind of way outta here, said the joker to the thief,” sang Bob Dylan from the front porch of the cottage.  “There’s too much confusion, I can’t get no relief.”

Mike was seated at his laptop on the deck, while Edie had strung a hammock from the porch to the Shoe Shed.   She was reading a book:  Utopia by Saint Sir Thomas More. It was the perfect setup.

“Thanks for picking the Dylan version, Mike!” said Edie with a thumbs-up.  She caught some sun in a bathing suit.

“I know what you like!” he answered.  “Next up:  CSNY!”  Edie raised her tea in salute.

Then, from across the road, much louder music began to overpower theirs.

“DUHR, DUHR, DUHR…DUHR, DUHR, DU-DUHR…DUHR, DUHR, DUHR…”

“Damn renters!” exclaimed Mike.  He paused a moment to listen.  “Is that Deep Purple?”

“‘Smoke on the Water’!” said Edie as he muffled her ears.  “I hate Deep Purple!”

Mike grimaced.  “I know, I know…but regardless of our differing opinions on the Deepest of Purples, I’ll go talk to the guy, this is ridiculous.”

“I’m coming with you,” said Edie as she swung her giant wedges 90 degrees and got out of the hammock.  The pair made their way to the front door of the large white cottage across the road and knocked loudly.

A grizzled looking man with a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other could be seen coming to the door.  Tufts of black hair poured out of his too-small T-shirt.  As he approached, so did the stench of sweat and alcohol.

“What can I do you for?” asked the renter in the stained white T-shirt.  “Name’s Sooner.  George Sooner.”

“I’m Mike and this is Edie,” I said as Edie nodded.  “Can you turn down the Deep Purple?  We can’t hear ourselves across the road there.”

The man looked Edie up and down.  “Edie huh?  You don’t look like you’re from around here,” he dismissed.

“Neither are you!” she countered.

He clenched his jaw and grit his teeth.  “I’ll turn it down,” he spat as he closed the door and walked away.

“Gross!  What a jerk!” said Edie.  “Come on, let’s go.  Ignore him.  Let’s go take some pictures at the beach.”

“Good idea,” responded Mike.  “I’ll go get my tripod and camera.”

 

 

 

Edie stood precariously upon a rock jutting from the shallows of Lake Huron, posing up a storm!  Having selected a slightly less towering pair of wedges, she switched from leg to leg as she played to the camera.  She was killing it.  The lake was wavy, and though she was certainly getting splashed, she was steady and sure on her legs and perfectly in control.

“Pretend you’re playing guitar!” instructed Mike from his vantage point with the camera.  “Rock your hair around and get the air guitar out!”  Edie grinned and started strumming out a grooving rhythm in time with the waves, on her air guitar.  “That’s perfect, keep going!” encouraged Mike.

A loud noise began to drown him out, a motorized vehicle nearby.  Looking over his right shoulder, he spied George Sooner approaching in an ATV.  Going far too fast for this little beach, he kicked up a wave of sand onto Mike he he passed.

Mike spat sand out of his mouth, and tried to get it out of his eyes.  “What a dick!” he muttered, shaking more sand out of his hair.  Edie stared at Sooner disapprovingly.

“Let’s go further down the beach,” shouted Edie over the waves.  “Away from this guy.”  Sooner was busy getting a jet ski ready to take out, and it seemed like a pretty good idea.  Mike nodded OK, and Edie began stepping her way from rock to rock towards shore.

The roar of the jet ski engine warned them that it was too late, as Sooner ripped right past Edie, covering her with water.  No longer able to balance, she slipped and fell into the spring-cold lake.  Unsurprisingly, she screamed.  “Yow!!  That is cold!!”  She got up and quickly hopped to shore, while Sooner shot off into the distance.  “Shit that’s cold!” exclaimed Edie.

Mike raised his eyebrows in shock.  “Edie!  You swore.”

She covered her mouth with eyes wide.  “I did!  But that’s cold!”

“I told you Lake Huron didn’t get warm until summer,” said Mike as he handed her a towel, with a self-satisfied smirk.  “You didn’t believe me.  ‘I’ll jump in any body of water any time’, were you words.  You said it yourself!”

“I may or may not have,” laughed Edie, some humour returning to the day now.  “But this is seeming personal now with that Sooner guy.”

“I admit he does seem to be targeting us,” said Mike with a finger on his chin.  “But let’s not jump to conclusions yet.  Lots of people are just jerks, and renters are not usually the most considerate at this beach.  Unfortunately.”  He sighed.  “The good news is, I have steaks for tonight and we have all day tomorrow as well.  Come on, let’s get another pair of shoes and take some more photos before we pack it in.  Get those orange ones.  Those’ll look sweet on the beach.”

Edie smiled in approval as the pair set off across the beach to finish their photo shoot.

“Don’t wanna wait ’til you know me better!  Let’s just be glad for the time together!” sang Paul Stanley from the speakers on the back porch as Mike worked the grill.

“Oh, nice pick Mike, ‘Lick It Up’!” approved Edie.  “Remember when I did that photo shoot as the Candy Cane Queen?  This was my song!”

“I know!” smiled Mike.  “That’s why I picked it!”  He flipped some of the veggies and started explaining to Edie the whole Vinnie Vincent saga with Kiss.  He was like a wind-up toy; once you got him going you had to let him do the whole schtick to the finish.  He wound up the tale with Vinnie being replaced by Mark St. John, but thought it would be wise to save the whole Animalize saga for tomorrow night.

“Alright, as ordered:  Broccoli, carrots and red peppers.  A little olive oil, fresh ground pepper, pink Himalayan salt, and this new chipotle lime salt that I’m quite fond of!  And your steak, simply seasoned with the same salt and pepper, and a dash of Tobasco for some tang.  All to order!  Your beverage this evening is hot green tea with local honey.  Please…enjoy.  Would you like to eat inside or outside tonight?”

“Oh, outside,” answered Edie without hesitation.  “Front porch.  Sun’s going to set soon.  Let’s go!”

The pair settled upon the front porch with the orange-red sun just about to kiss the horizon.  It hung like a glowing hot nickel ball, dangling from a grey cloud.  The steaks smelled beefy and delicious as the steam wafted into their noses.  Simultaneously but unconsciously, they both inhaled deeply and enjoyed.  Edie noticed they both had done this, and chuckled.

“This is why we’re friends!” she chuckled.  “Your steaks, that’s the main reason!”  Mike laughed.

Before either of them could take their first bite, a horrendous stench began to overtake them.  They each instinctively plugged their noses, and looked questioning at each other.

“Dear God that’s awful!” gagged Mike as he tried not to barf.

“It’s like…rotten fish times a hundred!” croaked Edie.

Then Mike suddenly realized.  He put two and two together in his head, and the math added up to one answer.

“Sooner…” he growled.

“No!”  You think…?” questioned Edie.

“Let’s go find out,” spat Mike as he stood abruptly, almost spilling his ginger ale.

As the pair strode determinedly across the road, the smell intensified and they knew they were right.  And there he sat, on the front stoop, eating fish from a can.

“Sooner?!”  Edie stood back a fair distance with her red-tipped fingers over her nose.  This was her first-ever confrontation with nose plugged.  She was certain she sounded ridiculous as she yelled nasally at the man digging his fork into a can.  “What the heck are you eating?  We can smell it from his place, and we’re gonna barf in like two more seconds!”

The man lifted his fish-filled fork in the air and smiled.  Edie and Mike took a step back at the intense smell.  “Surströmming!  Swedish delicacy!  One of the most potent fermented fish in the world.  Want a bite?  Its smell is so strong, that it is traditionally only eaten outside.”

Mike barfed in Sooner’s driveway while Edie choked out a “No”.  The pair retreated back indoors.  Mike washed out his mouth while Edie hastily closed every window and turned on every fan she could find.

“This is a nightmare!” shrieked Mike.  “It’s an assault on all our senses, one at a time!  I’m gonna snap Edie, I swear, I’m gonna snap.”

Edie turned him around and began to rub his shoulders.  He groaned in relief as the tension began to depart from his body.  “It’s OK…let’s finish our beautiful meal that you made, and then we’re going live tonight on your show still, right?”

Mike’s face brightened.  “Grab A Stack of Rock will go on as planned.  That guy is not ruining my show tonight.  No way.”

Edie smiled.  “Good because you still have to help me pick my outfit for the show!”

“The Show Must Go On!” saluted Mike.

 

The laptop and microphones were set up on the porch.  Edie was decked out in a purple dress and heels, while Mike decided to rock his Guns N’ Roses top.  Of course, he had interviewed Edie before, but this was their first in-person interview, and he was excited.  The press had been talking rumours about Edie working on new original music with some pretty big names, and tonight they were going to reveal all of it.  The band members, the record deal, the producer, everything.  This was going to be her biggest interview to date.  They were live in five…

Four…

Three…

Two…

One…

There was a beep, and Mike rolled the Grab A Stack of Rock show intro.  His trusty co-host, Harrison from Australia, was logged-in and waiting in the green room.

“Grab A Stack of Rock, with Mike and the Mad Metal Man…” went the song.

Suddenly there was the sound of an electrical zap, and the room went completely black.

“Aww, fffff…” yelled Mike resisting the urge to swear in front of Edie.

“Blackout?” asked Edie.

“The power does frequently cut out, because of the trees.  Fortunately, however,” responded the resourceful Mike, “I have headlights on my Crocs!”  He activated the lights, and the two made their way off the front porch by Croclight.  They scanned the dark trees for light.

“Look!” exclaimed Mike.  “That friggin’ Sooner has power!”  He looked side to side around the street.  “But nobody else!”

“Let’s go!” said Edie, as she was already halfway down the steps heading to Sooner’s place without the aid of Croclights.

 

 

“Edie!  Wait for me!  You need my Croclights!  For safety!  Come on, wait up!”

A second later she was banging on Sooner’s door.  She whipped up a big huge smile as the big stinker opened it.  Mike was just coming onto the patio now, his Croclights illuminating the way.  Sooner gave him a dismissive laugh at the sight of it.

“Yeah?  What are you all dressed up for in those heels, lady?  I’m all out of Surströmming.” Mike nearly barfed again just at the mention.

“Hi, yeah, sorry to bother you Mr. Sooner,” said Edie, pouring syrup on every word.  “But we don’t have any electricity across the street, and we were checking to see if anyone else did.  Apparently you do,” she finished.

“Brought a generator,” said the big man with a burp.  “What, you big fancy cottagers ain’t got a generator?  Pfft.  Brought a trailer full of shoes but no generator!”  He closed the door and went back to his TV, but not before Edie saw what she hoped she would see.

“Come on, Fanboy,” she said with mischief.  “We got him.  Let’s go.”

The two sat huddled by Croclight indoors, as Mike awaited Edie to explain.

“When he opened his door,” she began, “I was acting all sweet and nice, but I knew something was up.  I was going to ask to come in and use his microwave to heat my tea, but he’s such a big idiot, I didn’t have to.  He left his hydraulic cutter right there inside the front door.  You use cutters like that to cut power cables.  He’s the one who cut the power.”

“Right when my show was starting…” murmured Mike as he began to put the pieces together.

“And what was your show topic tonight, Mike?” she asked, leading him to the answer.

Mike’s mouth went agape.  “He’s sabotaging you!”

“He’s TRYING to sabotage me,” corrected Edie.  “I’d say we have pretty conclusive proof.  And you know what that means?”

Mike thought a moment.  “Payback time?”

“You thought that Surströmming was bad?” she smiled.  “Wait until tomorrow.”  Edie stood.  “Let’s get some sleep.  We have an early start tomorrow.  We’re going to lure him out, and we’re gonna get him.”

With that, the pair went to their rooms, and prepared for confrontation.

Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian vacation was not yet ruined!

5:00 AM.  The sun had yet to creep over the trees, but Edie Van Heelin’ was ready in her running shoes for the morning run.  Several meters behind her, an aching Mike stretched his back, hoping he could crack it in that sore spot that seemed so tight.

As he limped over to where Edie was doing her morning stretches, he reminded her, “You know I can’t really run for very long, right?”

“You don’t have to run,” she answered between stretches.  “I actually want you to film it and put it on YouTube, because this is going to be funny.”

Mike laughed.  “I can do one better!  Though we still don’t have power, and therefore no wifi, I do have data reception.  Wanna live stream it instead?”

Edie gasped.  “Rad!  You can do that?”

Mike got to work on his phone.  “I’m setting up the live stream now.  Going to broadcast to Facebook and YouTube simultaneously.  What’s the plan then?”

“Well,” began Edie, “I’m going to draw him out.  I’m going to keep running up and down this road, until I have his attention.  I want him to try and follow me.  I’m going to lead him up to the main back road behind us.  You cut through the woods and film it.  You’ll understand why we have to lure him away from here when we get there.”

Mike frowned.  “Come on!  You have to tell me the whole plan.”

Edie laughed!  “Nope!  No spoilers for you mister.  This is going to be good.  Don’t worry, I can handle this Sooner guy.  I was being nice before.  Giving him the benefit of the doubt.  But now it’s gloves off baby!”

The two high-fived.

“OK.  Have a good run.  I’ll be watching and filming,” said Mike.

“Don’t start streaming until we get up him up onto the back road,” she instructed.  “It’s going to be worth it, trust me.”

Mike nodded in the affirmative.

“Get ‘im Edie!”

Edie tied her long brown hair into a ponytail and ran.  Zoom…up the road, kicking up a cloud of dust.  Zoom…down the road again, face forward, fully in the zone.  Zoom, up the road.  The clank of an opening screen door could be heard.  Zoom, down the road, chased by dust that had no hope of catching her.  Sooner poked his head out the door.  Zoom, up the road, dust now twirling motes of brown in the creeping morning light.  Sooner stumbling onto his patio, walking to the driveway.  Zoom, down the road, breathing heavily but powering through the clouds of dust.  Sooner, keys in hand, getting into his truck.  Zoom, up the road, knowing it was any time now.  The roar of the engine starting, and the release of the parking brake.  Zoom, down the road, and ready.  The heavy thud of truck tires grabbing friction and propelling the vehicle backwards onto the road.  Zoom, around the corner and on her way to the back road!

Mike turned and ran, through the woods, up the incline and onto the main road out back, phone in hand, four bars of reception.  He activated the streaming app.  He waited to hit the “Go Live” button, and pressed it the moment he saw Edie around the corner, running towards him, at full speed.

Then, the shriek of tires and roar of the truck announced the arrival of Sooner.  His truck was kicking up even more dust than Edie, but she had a good lead on him.  Soon she arrived where Mike was waiting and jumped onto the grass and into the treeline with him.

“We’re live?” she asked while catching her breath.  Mike nodded in the affirmative.

A second later, the truck screeched to a sudden stop right in front of her.  Edie waited.  Then, the man rolled down his window, and Edie gave the signal.

“Canadian skunks!  Attaaaaack!”

Just as the man opened his mouth to yell back, a surfeit of skunks emerged from both sides of the road, surrounding the truck.  In unison, they sprayed.  Streams of it went through the window, into his truck, onto his clothes, and into his horrified mouth.

Gasping for breath, Sooner fought to open his truck door.  Finally, he forced it ajar, and he fell onto the road.  Each skunk refocused their aim, and continued to spray until they were empty.  Mike filmed while plugging his nose, and Edie just laughed a big old laugh of victory.  She then looked right into the camera.  “Hey YouTube it’s Edie Van Heelin’ and Fanboy Mike streaming live from the cottage!  Sorry we couldn’t do the show last night, but that guy right there is the reason there was no show.”  She pointed to Sooner, rolling in his own misery on the blacktop.  “Now let’s find out who this guy is working for.”

Edie raised her hands.  “Canadian skunks!  Good job!  You can go home now, rest up, thank you my friends!”  She then turned her attention to Sooner, laying defeated in the road with his stinking truck behind him.

“You can just say ‘skunks’, Edie…” murmured Mike.

Edie continued the live stream.  “Hey there, Sooner, would you like some Surströmming to wash that down?”  Mike laughed and gagged a bit behind the camera in disgusted memory.  Then the interrogation began.  Edie got right in his face, the smell of skunk spray having no effect upon her.

“Who do you work for, Sooner?”  He said nothing as he struggled to sit up.  Edie grabbed his face.  “Who do you work for?  We know you’re sabotaging me and I want to know why!  Talk!”

Sooner refused to speak, as he coughed up skunk spray.

Edie shrugged.  “OK.  Fine.  Canadian raccoons!  Come here and scratch this guy!”

Sooner raised his hand in surrender.  “No no!  I’ll talk, I’ll talk!  Fine!”  He coughed.  “It was just a job!  I needed the money!”

“And?  Who paid you off?” demanded Edie impatiently.

“I never saw him face to face!  Everything was done on the dark web!  Bitcoin!  He told me his name was…” the big man coughed again.  “…his name was Shinzon!”

Mike dropped the camera and Edie looked at him with stone-cold seriousness.

“Shinzon.  Of course.  He survived our last encounter.  He wants revenge,” nodded Eddie, with a red-tipped nail on her chin.  “Makes sense now.”

Mike interrupted.  “Not really!  That Shinzon guy just came out of nowhere and we don’t really know anything about him!  A Lego-obsessed weirdo with futuristic tech, who claimed to be a clone, with a weird Australian accent.”  Mike paused a moment remembering.  “Good hair though.”

“He did have good hair,” agreed Edie.  “Wouldn’t tell us how.  His hair secrets….”

“He was elusive and mysterious,” agreed Mike.  “But apparently we know he’s out to get you.  We have to be more careful, going forward.  Both of us.”

“Agreed,” said Edie.  “As for this guy, give the local police a call and let them know who cut the power last night.”  Edie then took a moment and thought.  “And as for us.  How about we go clean up, and go for a hike?  Vacation is still on, you know.  And you promised me hiking.”

Mike smiled a wide smile.  “Yes!  Beach hike to the next town!  Let’s do it!  Steaks on the barbecue again tonight?”

“Of course,” winked Edie.  “This time without the Surströmming on the side.”

Laughing, Edie and Mike walked back to the cottage in the woods, as the police arrived to arrest George Sooner, another victory for the pair of friends.

To be continued….

Epilogue

Our heroes celebrate prematurely.  Only a pawn has been removed from the board.  More important and powerful pieces lay in the shadows.  Edie Van Heelin’ and Fanboy Mike have stepped into a larger world, and their actions will ripple.  At the very moment they began their afternoon beach hike, on a planet far from ours, dark forces communed.

“She won,” said Shinzon into the communicator.  “Again.”

There were a crackle of static over the device, and a distorted voice could be heard speaking through.  “No, not victory Shinzon,” it said.  “We have disrupted…” crackles of static interfered with the signal.  “…release of her album will need to be pushed back.  Additionally…” more static garbled the words. “…our manipulations will certainly set her onto the desired course…” The static continued to cough through the speaker.  “…direct collision course with our prime target.  This will allow us to remove both obstacles at once.”

“Understood, sir,” spoke Shinzon into the device.  “I will continue to do your bidding.”

The End

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS:  PHASE THREE – THE UNICRON SAGA

SPINOFFS AND SIDE QUESTS

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

 

All background photos by Mike.
All Edie photos by BD.

The Adventures of Tee Bone Man Chapter 12: Lost In Space

We’ve been teasing this one since August.  The long-awaited new Space chapter by John T. Snow of 2loud2oldmusic!

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN CHAPTER XII:  LOST IN SPACE

Thunder Bay:  the dead of winter.  A blizzard is roaring strong, and the Great White North is living up to its name.  The lair door at Deke’s Palace slams open, and the cold and the snow comes rushing in.  As do Tee Bone Man and Superdekes, exhausted from another superhero save.  This time it was an easy one:  a moose was on the loose inside a liquor store. No way were Tee Bone Man and Superdekes going to let a moose destroy any whiskey or scotch…or heck, any alcoholic beverage that they could one day consume.  They each plop down on the couch and open a brand new bottle of their favourite beverage.  Gifts from the store owner as a thank-you for their assistance.  The two heroes kick back.

Superdekes exclaimed, “Damn, that was sure fun. I didn’t know you could ride a moose, Tee Bone”.

Tee Bone admitted the truth.  “I don’t!  That dang creature picked me up by the horns and threw me on his back. I just went along for the ride. I can’t believe I lasted a full eight seconds.  Maybe I should take up bull riding.”

“Well, you are good at slinging bull…well, you know, I don’t think that qualifies you!” laughed Superdekes.

After only a few minutes of drinking, the buzz started building and they started reminiscing about their most awesome adventures, from Sasquatch, to Satan, to time travel.

Tee Bone even thought momentarily about that damn squirrel, but he didn’t bring that one up to Superdekes, preferring to let it burrow silent trauma deep within his psyche.  That would be better in the long run, he reasoned.

Superdekes asked Tee Bone, “Hey, remember that idiot that had a Snowman army?  You know, the guy that looked like Richard Dreyfuss.  What a doofus, but man does he give generous Christmas gifts!”  Deke was looking at the statement he received for his share of Mr. Big’s earnings, courtesy of a coerced Billy Sheehan and facilitated by the Snowman.

“Of course I remember him.  The Snowman!  He gave me the original Frankenstrat.  I wonder what kind of trouble he is getting into these days…” Tee Bone pondered as his phone began to ring.

“There it is,” said Deke dryly.

Previously that day, in a bright and sunny California, The Snowman was sitting in dingy booth inside a greasy pit of a diner…his favourite sort of place.  He liked to mix with the riff raff.  Snowman couldn’t find a Waffle House, so this would have to do.  It was another glorious day in Los Angeles. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect and the Snowman was getting ready to negotiate a deal with Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley to buy “The Warehouse”:  the Kiss Warehouse, full of everything Kiss from over the years loaded with costumers, to guitars, to drums and stage equipment, to name a few things.  It was his dream to own it, and since he had more money than sense…he was ready to fulfil that dream.

The waitress approached. She was smoking hot.  Snowman gazed at her tight short skirt, and open blouse with enough cleavage showing to satisfy any man or woman and to generate nice big tips.  Her hair was golden and sunkissed just right.  She was probably an actress, as all waiters and waitresses in L.A. were.  She smiled that big, friendly smile and said “Dang, has any one told you that you look like Richard Dreyfuss?”

“No, I can’t say that anyone has,” The Snowman responded, knowing full well that everyone has.

“I think you are him!  You are playing with me aren’t you,” she sassed back.

“I’m afraid not and I can prove it,” he responded.

“Yeah, how’s that?” she asked.

“Well, for starters, that is Richard Dreyfuss walking in the door right now,” The Snowman said, quite stunned.

And sure enough, the bell rang on the front door and in walked The Richard Dreyfuss.  But he seemed preoccupied, almost in a zombie state.  He walked right up to the Snowman’s table and sat down in the booth.  He turned to the waitress, staring at her chest, and she asked, “Can I get you anything Mr. Dreyfuss?”

“Mashed Potatoes!  And lots of them,” Richard said robotically.  He turned to the Snowman and said “They’re coming again.  They will be here soon.”

The Snowman nodded and said rather questionably “Okay?  Are you alright Mr. Dreyfuss?  Can I help you with anything?”.  Richard said nothing.  The waitress returned with the mashed potatoes and put them in front of Richard.  He immediately reached in and started mushing them around and building what looked like a mountain.  The Snowman knew he has encountered that before at least three times, but couldn’t place it.

The weather outside started changing. Clouds were moving in, the wind was blowing harder and harder. The sky was getting darker and darker.  Then flames started shooting down from the sky. Something was landing in the parking lot of the diner!  With a loud bang and a whoosh of smoke, everything suddenly froze.  Nothing moved.  Everyone was frozen in place…everyone except Richard Dreyfuss and the Snowman.  The Snowman reached for his phone and speed-dialed Tee Bone Man and Superdekes.  He didn’t raise it to his ear, but left it in his pocket so they could hear what was going on…when and if they answered!

In through the door came several little green men…seriously!  They were little and green!  They looked like Marvin the Martian, and the Snowman was half expecting Bugs Bunny to come sauntering in after them.  They stopped in front of their table and spoke in plain English which freaked the Snowman out.  “We are here for Richard Dreyfuss!  And since we don’t know which one of you is Richard Dreyfuss, we are taking you both with us back to Mars.”

Martians!  The Snowman laughed and said, “Like hell you are, you little green pile of sh…” but before he could finish that line, the Martian pulled out a phaser and shot them both, leaving them unconscious.  The bad thing for the real Richard Dreyfuss was that his head collapsed into the mountain of mashed potatoes.  The Snowman’s head just banged hard on the table, probably making him even dumber than he already was. It was going to leave a mark.

The lead Martian said to his cohorts, “Grab them and take them to our ship.  We have what we need to finalize our plan. Let’s get them back to Mars. It is time to put the plan in motion, as we take over Earth.  Everyone will bow to us and worship us.  We will be Kings of this world,” as he stepped up on the booth with his arms held out wide like Leo from Titanic.  However his minions had already left, and no one was around anymore to hear him bantering on or witness his embarassing posturing.  He got down, feeling pretty silly.

The alien spaceship took off, but luckily the Snowman’s phone was still in his pocket, and Tee Bone Man and Superdekes heard everything. As the ship vanished, everyone in the restaurant and surrounding area unfroze and went on their day as if nothing happened.

 

Tee Bone and Superdekes sat in stunned silence in their lair, listening to the call. They couldn’t believe what was happening.  Superdekes broke the silence. ”How the heck do we help them?  We can’t go into space.  We don’t have any of that kind of tech.”

Tee Bone grinned and said, “Well, that isn’t actually true.  Remember at Christmas, when the Snowman came by with gifts?  You asked me about that envelope he handed me?”

“I have a drunken stupor memory of that…I think.” Deke answered. “What was in that envelope?”

Tee Bone Man reached into the utility belt of his uniform, and removed from a small pouch, an American Express Black Card.

“This,” explained Tee Bone Man, “is not a credit card.  Hold up your phone.”

Deke held up his phone, and Tee Bone placed the card over the screen, which suddenly went black.  After it flashed white, it now presented a map.

“What the…?” asked Deke.  “What’s this a map to?  That Snowman has more money than sense.”

“You’re right, but this time, maybe he was on the right track.  The Snowman was worried about what would happen if we ever had visitors from outer space, and how we would be able to defend Earth.  I think he’d watched The Avengers one too many times.  Him thinking he was Tony Stark or something.  He said he was having visions, like Richard Dreyfuss had in that space movie.  He was obsessed with defending Earth from aliens.  I tried convincing him to put his money into some mutual funds, but I couldn’t talk him out of this.  So, we’ve been building something, just in case we had to go into space.  Now keep in mind, the Snowman is a little bizarre, but I think you will like what we built.  Get on your flying bike.  We’re going for a ride.”

Tee Bone Man strapped his new genuine Australian boomerang to his back, while Superdekes stored his new Balls of Steel in his backpack.  Deke mounted his ride, and Tee Bone took to the air, as they followed the signal on Deke’s phone.  It was taking them miles away, near the US/Canada border.  Tee Bone Man began his descent and spotted a small concrete bunker in a hidden clearing.  Superdekes landed nearby.

They regrouped at the bunker, just shoulder height, with a concrete door in the side they faced.  To the right of the door was a small recess, and in that recess was a statue of what looked like Richard Dreyfuss.  Tee Bone lifted the head of the Dreyfuss statue, inserted the card in the mouth, and pushed the button underneath.  The door slid open to reveal a flight of stairs that went down below their ground.

Deke exclaimed, “What the Fu@#!”

They descended the steps into a vast hanger, filled with all sorts of electronic equipment and two massive ships.  One was an exact replica of an X-Wing fighter and the other was a TIE Interceptor, as the Snowman loved his Star Wars.  Talk about mixing up his movie franchises!  Tee Bone addressed his friend.  “Don’t be mad that I didn’t include you!  The Snowman said I had to keep it a secret, until we needed to do this.  He paid for everything, and we had the best scientists involved, as he spared no expense.  What a sucker!  But dang if they don’t actually work!  Get ready for the ride of your life.”

Deke asked, “Cool! Which one do I get?” as he ran towards the X-Wing.

“I guess you get that one,” answered Tee Bone Man.

They each got in their ships, flipped a few very switches and started the engines.

“It sure is a good thing the controls are simple,” said a relieved Tee Bone.  “Just like the old Atari 2600 back home.”

“Snowman is kinda a simpleton,” shrugged Deke.

Richard Dreyfus and the Snowman were being escorted down a gleaming silver passage by two Marians with phasers. They weren’t restrained, which seemed odd, but where the heck were they going to run to if they escaped?  A set of doors slid open with a whoosh, and standing there was something they never dreamt of seeing.  Or someone.  Their mouths fell open and slammed into the floor.

There in the fat flesh was Donald J. Trump.  But was it really? Something was off.

Standing next to Don was the head Martian.  “Welcome to Mars,” he said. “You are brought here because Richard Dreyfuss is the greatest American actor in the universe.  And we have a problem.  We have cloned Donald Trump, but we can’t get him to act like the real Donald Trump, the self-absorbed narcissist.”

The Trump clone came up to Dreyfuss and the Snowman and asked, “How are you guys?  I appreciate you taking time out of your day to come to help me.  That is the nicest thing!”  And with that, it was patently obvious that it wasn’t the real Trump.

The alien stated, “We need you, with your incredible acting talent, to teach him how to act like Donald Trump.”

The Snowman quickly retorted, “Well, he’s missing the stupid red ball cap first and foremost.”  Snowman strolled up to Trump’s clone, and started trying to teach him how to act like Trump.  Not being a very good actor, all he sounded like was William Shatner, and he emphasized every other word as if it was super important.

The main Martian screamed “STOP, STOP, STOP!! You are not the real Richard Dreyfuss! That was horrendous! You might look like Richard Dreyfuss, but you sound like William Shatner!  Not a good actor.  Guards, get rid of him!!”

With that, the guards grabbed the Snowman and threw him outside an airlock, where he was surprised to find he could breathe the thin, cold Martian atmosphere.  He saw a bright area of red dirt not far away, with a pair of legs sticking out of a hole in the ground.  Snowman was followed by two Martian guards, who grabbed his arms.  “Oh my goodness, they are going to bury me upside down in the dirt with my legs sticking out!”  The Snowman started trying to break free and escape, but their grip was too tight and strong.  There was nothing he could do.  The guards tossed him head first into a hole.  Before he was completely buried, he heard some explosions.

Coming in from above were two space fighters, firing lasers everywhere they could.  Things were blowing up left and right.  Superdekes shouted over the radio, “Red Five going in.”

Tee Bone Man sighed, “Really, we are going with that.? What are we, 12 year olds?”

“I’m flying an actual X-Wing Fighter, I can be whatever I want to be”, Superdekes explained with gleeful enthusiasm.

Two Martian ships came after them on an intercept course, and a vicious dog fight ensued.  The spaceships were flying by each other at breakneck speeds.  Laser cannons fired and just missed Tee Bone Man. He laughed and reversed course hard, getting the one ship in his crosshairs.  He opened fire.

BOOOM!!  The Martian ship was toast.

Superdekes swiftly got the upper hand on the other ship, which flew upside down over him.  Dekes took a picture with his camera phone and shot them the bird!  He then dropped back and blew the ship out of the sky. It was a crazy, maverick thing to do.

With both Martian ships destroyed, Superdekes and Tee Bone Man came in for a landing.  Before exiting, Tee Bone Man warned Superdekes, “Look in the compartment on your right. Open it up and take what’s in there.  You’ll love it.”   Superdekes did as he was told, and inside were a phaser, and an honest-to-God actual working lightsaber.

They both jumped down from their ships and immediately took on enemy fire.  Shots were landing all around them.  They both fired back and then looked at each other and lit their lightsabers.  Deke’s was green.  Tee Bone’s was blue.  Battle was rough at first, as an untrained Tee Bone man singed a little of his hair with the first swing.  More shots came and they both blocked them with the lightsabers.

“This is amazing” Tee Bone Man screamed.  “I feel invincible,” as he cut through the Martians like a hot knife through butter!

“Does this count as murder?” asked Deke.  Tee Bone shrugged.  The carnage went on for only minutes, as they seemed to have killed all the Martians and all was suddenly quiet.  They disengaged their sabers.

Tee Bone Man looked over to his left and saw two pairs of legs dangling out of the dirt and exclaimed “What in Gordie Howe’s holy name is that?”  Superdekes shrugged but went over to look.

The pair dug out the first person, and it wasn’t the Snowman.  It was a balding gentleman with a goatee and glasses caked with Martian dirt.  Superdekes exclaimed “Dude! Who the heck are you, and how did you get Buried on Mars?”

“My name is Kevin,” he said, cleaning himself off. “I was doing a podcast for a review on a Richard Dreyfuss movie and I said what a horrible actor he was. The next thing I knew everything went black, and I was upside down in a hole. I didn’t even know I was on Mars!”

“Dude you were Buried on Mars!” said Tee Bone as he dug up the next set of legs.  Thankfully, it was the Snowman.  Tee Bone Man exclaimed, “What the heck is going on?”

The Snowman caught them up the best he could, which wasn’t very good.  He told the pair, “We have to go save Richard Dreyfuss.  He’s inside with a clone of Donald Trump!”  Everyone looked shocked or stupefied, not sure which.

The Buried on Mars fellow, Kevin, spoke up.  “Richard Dreyfuss is here? Did he do this to me?”  The Snowman said that it was Martians and told him everything that had happened, but Kevin was still too stunned to follow it all.   Kevin blinked in confusion.  “I’m just going to wait over here,” he pointed to a rock.

The other three rushed into the building, Tee Bone Man and Superdekes leading the way with their lightsabers.  They met no resistance from any Martians.   The base was not heavily fortified.  They all assumed the Earthlings couldn’t reach Mars.  Our group came to the room they were looking for, and the doors opened again with a whoosh.  Standing in side was Richard Dreyfuss, doing his best Donald Trump impressions for the clone.  The clone appeared to be catching on.

The lead Martian was in the room with them, and managed to grab Superdekes’ lightsaber with his mind.  It flew it in the air to his own hands.  The disarmed Deke took his Balls of Steel from his backpack and took up a defensive stance.  Unless they were made of Vibranium, chances are that the lightsaber would cut them in half.  Even then, Deke was not too sure about the cutting power of lightsabers.  It was never consistent in the fiction!

Tee Bone Man prepared to duel.  Then, he remembered he had his phaser, set to kill.  Trying to pose like Indiana Jones, he drew it swiftly and shot the Martian dead in a single blast.

“Well that was easy” Tee Bone Man said with a smile, and blew the smoke from the barrel.  “I didn’t even have to use my boomerang on this mission.”

The clone approached Superdekes and Tee Bone Man.  “How are you guys?  I appreciate you taking time out of your day to come and help me.  That is the nicest thing.”

They both were a little freaked out and said confusedly, ”You’re welcome?”

The Snowman turned to Superdekes and Tee Bone Man.  ”Can we keep him? We could replace Trump with this nice guy, and maybe the world could finally be great again.”

They looked at each other and mumbled, “What an idiot!”  Tee Bone tried to explain.   “That’s not a bad idea in theory….  Are we sure Snowman’s not the clone?” he laughed.  “But no…can’t do it, Snowman.  Two Trumps on Earth, there would be chaos like you’ve never seen.  Can you imagine the conspiracy people?”  Tee Bone turned to the clone.  “Sorry, but this is where you belong.”

Trump answered, “That’s fine, I don’t mind, just as long as you’re all safe.”

Tee Bone and Deke escorted everyone out to their ships, but there was a slight problem.  The X-Wing and TIE Interceptor could carry just one person each.  How were they going to get everyone back?  They looked around and eventually found a Martian spacecraft they hadn’t blown up, and borrowed it for a short while. Who are we kidding, they stole it. They were not going to return it.

Superdekes and Tee Bone Man climbed into their ships, while Richard Dreyfuss, Kevin and the Snowman headed to the other ship.  “Can anyone fly one of these?” asked Snowman of his crew.  Fortunately, Kevin had plenty of gaming experience and figured it out in short order.  But before the door closed on his ship, the Snowman grabbed the Donald Trump clone, and pulled him so quickly that Tee Bone Man and Superdekes couldn’t see.  With Kevin in the pilot seat, flanked by Snowman and Trump, and Dreyfuss behind at the tailguns, the pilot and passengers prepared for space flight!  Kevin pushed some buttons and activated the thrust.  With that, the three ships launched for Earth, and home.  The Trump clone smiled a dumb smile the whole way back.

 

Two months later, Tee Bone and Dekes were in their lair drinking…no surprise there!  A breaking news story suddenly flashed on the TV screen.  The broadcaster announced “Two hours ago, Former President Donald Trump had fallen, banged his head and was found unconscious. He is currently being treated at the at General Hospital.  We are going live to the hospital with an update from his doctors.”

Instead of doctors coming to the podium, it was Donald Trump himself.  He says, “‘Thank you all for coming, I appreciate the help from the doctors as they were wonderful. The smartest doctors in the world.  If you ever get hurt, you want to come get help from these doctors.  They are the best. But it is easy to be the best when you are working on the best because that is me.   I’m fine and cleared to go home.  There is no concussion, and all is well.”

A slight pause and then he added “How are you guys?  I appreciate you taking time out of your day to come and check on me. That is the nicest thing.”

Tee Bone Man and Superdekes’ eyes got really wide, and Superdekes asked, ”You don’t think Snowman switched them out, do you?”

They both shook their head, “Nah.  Impossible.”

 

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE

Chapter Zero:  Tee Bone Man – Origins (by LeBrain) Coming March 2023

Chapter One: A Friend in Need (by LeBrain)

Chapter Two: Hell Freezes Over (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Three: Hell Ain’t A Bad Place to Be (by LeBrain)

Chapter Four: Tee Bone Man and the Rink of…Doom? (by Aaron KMA)

Chapter Five: The Super Duper Vault (by John Snow)

Chapter Six: Tee Bone Man Goes to Camp (by LeBrain)

Chapter Seven:  The Revenge of Common Knowledge (by LeBrain)

Chapter Eight:  Tee Bone & Deke’s Time Travelling Adventure (by 80sMetalMan)

Chapter Nine:  Castle Communications (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Ten:  The Case of the Lost Iron Maiden Socks (by LeBrain)

Chapter Eleven:  A Tee Bone Man Christmas (by all five of us)

Chapter Twelve:  Lost In Space (by John T. Snow)

Chapter Thirteen:  Clip Show (by LeBrain) Coming February 2023

 

THE EXTENDED LEBRAINIVERSE

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie vs. Tommy Lee in the Bouncy Castle of Doom! (By LeBrain)

The Advenures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie and the Quest for the Lost Lego (By LeBrain with Harrison Kopp)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation (By LeBrain) Coming soon

 

The Writer’s Room: Chapter One

The Writer’s Room:  It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like a Tee Bone Man Christmas

 

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’: Edie and the Quest for the Lost Lego [MarriedAndHeels]

EDIE VAN HEELIN’ and the QUEST FOR THE LOST LEGO

By LeBrain with Harrison Kopp

“Hey Edie!” shouted a distraught Mr. Van Heelin’ from the Lego room.  “We’ve been robbed!  All my Lego is gone!”  He ran from room to room of the house, but it was true:  every single piece of Lego was missing.

Edie Van Heelin’ was relaxing with a tea and a menagerie of pets.  She had to remove about three cats from her lap to get off the recliner.

“You’re joking, right?” she asked but not without concern.  Mr. Van Heelin’ doesn’t joke about Lego.  He was continuing to search the house to no avail.

“I am not joking!” he shouted frantically from another room.  “Every set, every single piece, is gone!”  Then he added incredulously, “But nothing else seems to be missing!  What is going on here?”

Edie strode into the room that he was currently searching.  “It could be those pesky aliens again,” said Edie.  “But they’ve never shown interest in Lego bricks before.”  She paused a moment.  She knew that she was going to have to take care of this one herself.  As usual.

“I’m sorry sweety, but I need to go,” she told him.

“I understand,” he said.  “But be careful.  What’s your first move?”

Edie placed a well-manicured purple thumbnail on her chin as she thought a moment.  “I’ll need help.  Time to pay Fanboy Mike a visit up in Canada.  Don’t worry about me.  I can take care of myself.”  She gave him a kiss.  “Time to suit up.”

The Shoe Shed in the back is where Edie kept her prized collection of heels, but more than that, it also contained her ultra-secret superhero gear, and she was going to need all of it this time.  Edie zipped up her favourite rocket boots, a new pair this time by Christian Louboutin but rigged for flight with afterburners and a sweet pair of fins.  Decked in a suitably badass outfit with fishnets and black leather, Edie Van Heelin’ was ready to rock.  She applied a gadget-filled utility belt, and strapped her favourite red guitar to her back as the final touch.  The guitar was no ordinary instrument.  Enhanced with alien tech, it was a weapon in more ways than one.

Edie dropped a pair of smartglasses over her eyes and smiled.  She loved her rocket boots and it was time to fly!

“Set course for Canada,” she said to the smartglasses.  “Southern Ontario.  Fanboy Mike’s house.  Let’s fly!”

With the sound of thunder and a blast of flame, the boots fired!  In seconds, Edie Van Heelin’ was little more than a bright contrail in the sky.  It was mission time!

Winter in Canada.  Fanboy Mike’s least favourite time of year.  He stood knee-deep in snow, in his Croc-boots, panting heavily as he tried to remove the white mounds from around his vehicle.  Every shovelful that he removed seemed to be replaced by two more!  He stopped a moment to wipe the sweat from his brow, lest it freeze to his face.

“This sucks,” he said to no-one.  Everyone else seemed to be staying in today, which was wise.  He grabbed the shovel and kept digging.  It was then that he heard the sonic boom of rocket boots overhead.

He dropped the shovel into the snow.  “Yeah baby!”  He shielded his eyes as he looked for the tell-tale sign of Edie Van Heelin’ in the sky.  There she was!  Red flame and smoke contrails, heading his way.  He shouted for joy as he knew that shovelling time was over and adventure time was about to begin.  He tossed the shovel aside and watched as the superhero in black leather came to a landing.

“Edie!”  He trudged through the deep snow towards his friend.

“Fanboy!” she responded in glee.  “Great to see you!”  The two hugged warmly for a minute.

“Wait, no — don’t stop!” joked Mike.  “I’m friggin’ freezing!”

Edie laughed.  “Well it’s about to get hotter.  I’m not here to go snowshoeing with you this time.  I’m on a mission and I need your help.”

“Oh thank God,” laughed Mike.  “I thought I’d be shovelling this crap all day!”

“This crap?” laughed Edie.  “I love snow!”  She dropped on her back and quickly made a snow angel.  Laughing, she got up off the ground and wiped the snow off her fishnets and leathers.  “Sorry, I just had to.  Can’t be in snow without doing a snow angel.  Anyway, don’t worry about the shovelling.  If I remember, you have squirrels here right?”

Mike nodded in the affirmative.  “Huge, huge black ones!”  He winked.  “That was a joke.  But yes, yes we do.”

While Edie relied on her rocket boots for flight, she had one unique superpower.  He unique connection to animals allowed them to communicate.  Her animal allies helped her defeat aliens and Tommy Lee in the past.  Now they were going to help Mike.

Edie raised her arms up.  “Canadian squirrels!  Come to my side!”  In seconds, dozens of black squirrels could be seen dotting the snow, running towards Edie and Mike.  Mike’s eyes went wide as he saw the flood of animals in the snow!  He counted 18 large black squirrels, all now sitting on the haunches, at attention, in a semicircle around Edie.

“Wow, they really are big!” she said to Mike.  “OK, squirrels!  We need your help!  We are on an urgent mission and Mike has to go!  Please, help him dig out his car!  I’ll be back with a big bag of peanuts for you all, I promise!”  She blew them a kiss, and immediately the squirrels got to work, frantically digging around Mike’s car.

“That’ll take a while but you don’t have to worry about it,” she said.  “Now let’s saddle up and I’ll fill you in on the mission.  Let’s go somewhere warm.”

“Hi, do you have green peach tea, with watermelon honey?” asked Edie at the front of the line at the Tim Horton’s.  Mike tapped her on the shoulder.

“Edie, they don’t have stuff like that at Tim’s.  Just regular tea,” he advised.

“OK, just a tea then,” she settled.  The two soon had hot beverages and were seated at the Canadian institution, sipping their drinks.

“So what’s the mission?” asked Mike.  “I’ve been snowed in all day, I can’t wait.”

Edie explained to Mike how Mr. Van Heelin’ discovered that all his Lego had been taken, but nothing else.  Mike’s eyebrows rose in surprise.

“You’re not going to believe this,” he said.  “When I got up this morning, I couldn’t find my Optimus Prime Lego.  I thought Jen moved it and it got buried in laundry or something.  And I couldn’t find the Lego boxes that we gave each other for Christmas.  I was going to look for them later, but now I am thinking it’s a pointless search.”  He paused a moment to scratched his gray-beared chin.  “I have an idea.  Toys R Us is right down the street.  They still exist in Canada.  Let’s take a look and see if their Lego is gone too.”

“Good idea Fanboy!  That’s cool that you still have Toys R Us.  Of course, in California we have Legoland,” winked Edie as she finished the last sip of tea.  She stood up.  The Tim Horton’s customers stared when she did.  They were certainly not used to see a leather and fishnet clad women in nine-inch platform boots drinking tea in a Horton’s.  Fanboy smiled as he basked in his temporary attention by association.  Once outside, Fanboy grabbed hold of Edie’s waist as they rocketed to the Toys R Us store.

Inside, the pair made their way to the Lego section.  People stared, but Mike just smiled.  Meanwhile Edie just looked determined as she strode hastily down the aisle.

The empty aisle.

There was not a single Lego set for sale at the Toys R Us.  Not one minifigure pack, not one Star Wars, Marvel, Technic, or any other franchise.  Not even the old minifig pack from two seasons ago that was always under the shelves.  Nothing.  Edie was not surprised.  Mike was slowly beginning to take in the magnitude of what was happening.

“Let’s ask that guy if they have any Lego,” said Edie, pointing to a long-haired man with a broom.  Dressed in a Toys R Us uniform, the man with long straight dark hair didn’t seem to be working hard.  Mike knew what it looked like to me faking work, and that guy was definitely lazily pretending to be sweeping up.  “Let’s make him earn his paycheque,” said Mike.

“Excuse us,” asked Mike as he approached the long-hair.  The man turned to face them.  Mike was a bit stunned.  The man, a clean shaven younger fellow, looked terribly familiar.  “Umm, sorry, do I know you?  You look familiar.”

“No, we definitely do not know each other,” answered long-hair in some strange unidentifiable accent.  “Can I help you?”

“Yes,” said Edie.  “We’re looking for Lego.  Any Lego.  My husband is a big fan.”

“Sold out,” said long-hair as he resumed pushing his broom.

“Are you sure?” asked Mike.  “That…doesn’t seem possible.”

“Sold.  Out,” said long-hair dismissively as he turned his back.

“Come on,” said Mike to Edie.  “I know where we can get some real help.  I have a buddy.  I’ll give him a call.”

Fanboy Mike was proud of his rich circle of friends, many of whom he’s never met in real life.  There was Tim on the east coast, an author and music collector.  There was Rob, a local radio show host that Mike has known for decades.  And there were a couple guys way up north in Thunder Bay.  One of them was a bit of a technical wizard with a knack for problem-solving.  Mike dialled a number on his phone and was soon connected with the tech-wizard.  Mike filled him in on the situation.  He nodded with concern as his listened to the wizard on the other end.

“That’s right.  Every single Lego piece.  Gone.  Gonzo.  Double Live Gonzos,” said Mike into the phone.  His eyebrows raised.  “Really?  Yours too huh?  Your motorcycle set!  I gave you that set!  Holy crap.  This is serious!”

Fanboy paced the floor of the Toys R Us as he listened intently.  He nodded a few times.  Then he spoke.

“Ok.  Gotcha.  Understood.  We’ll be on our way shortly.  Thanks man.  I owe you one.  Again.  And say hi to your partner in crime for me.  Ciao baby,”  Mike hung up the phone and spoke to Edie.  “OK, it took some doing, but my tech wizard buddy has a danger alert system at his HQ, and he managed to jerry-rig it to detect Lego.  And guess what he found?”

Edie braced herself for bad news.  “No Lego anywhere in the world, right?” she gulped.

“Nope,” responded Mike.  “To the contrary.  All the Lego is still here.  It’s been moved.  The Lego signals were concentrated in one location on the globe.  Just one.  Care to guess where we’re headed next?”

Edie shrugged.  “Somewhere warmer than Canada?”

“How’d you like to throw another shrimp on the barbie?” he winked.

Edie’s eyes lit up.  “Australia!  I’ve never been there!  But that’s a whole continent.  Where do we start?”

Mike checked his phone for a text message.  “Here are the coordinates,” he answered.  “Australia’s east coast.”  Edie dropped her smartglasses over her eyes and scanned the coordinates.

“Got the location locked and loaded,” she answered.  “Let’s fly!”

Australia.  Summer.  The east coast.  A cloud of dust kicked up as Edie came to a landing, with Mike holding on tight.  The landscape, far from any city, was relatively barren.  Beautiful, but deserted.  A wombat burrowed nearby.  Edie removed her glasses and scanned the horizon with her eyes.

“Nothing here,” she said in disappointment.  “Nothing at all.  I’m sorry Mike but your friend was wrong this time.”

Mike shook his head to the negative.  “Not this guy, he’s rarely wrong about anything.  He said the signal was coming from within one klik of this location.  We just need to look harder.  Maybe your animal allies can help in our search?”

She snapped her perfectly manicured purple fingers together.  “Good call, Fanboy.  What’s that thing over there?”

“I can’t be sure but I think that’s called a wombat,” answered Mike.

Edie motioned to the wombat.  “Hey cutie!” she beckoned.  The wombat stopped burrowing and looked at her.  “I know you’re busy right now, but we need your help.  Do you have any friends around?  We’re looking for something in this area.”  She paused and bit her lip a moment.  “We don’t know exactly what we are looking for but I think a building of some kind.  A structure.  Do you know what I mean?”  The wombat nodded affirmative.  “OK sweet stuff.  Get your friends and let’s sweep this whole area.”

In seconds, a wisdom of wombats emerged and scurried about frantically.  As they busied themselves digging and searching, a few could be seen…pooping.

Edie blinked.  “Hey Mike, is it just me or is that poop…cube shaped?”

Mike grabbed his phone and googled.  He laughed out loud.  “Hah!  Yes, yes it is!  Look at this!”  He showed his phone to Edie.  “Don’t step on any brown cubes, it’s not Lego bricks!” he laughed.  Edie stared at the phone in a mixture of surprise and disgust.

“Noted!” she said.  “No wombat poop on my Louboutins!”

The wombats scurried around, doing their work. Suddenly, one started jumping around and making noise.  Edie saw and ran over to the wombat’s location.  “Mike!” she shouted.  “Get over here!  We found something!”  Surely enough, just inches beneath the soil, was concrete.  A hidden, buried bunker!

“How do we get inside?” panted Mike as he finished running over.  “I don’t see an entrance.”

“Neither do I,” said Edie as she scanned the area with her smartglasses.  “The structure beneath us appears to be a huge concrete cube, perfectly Lego shaped, but with no seams or openings I can detect.”  Edie then reached for her guitar, a beautiful red axe with serious modifications.  “Stand back,” she cautioned.

Mike did as told, while Edie aimed the neck of her guitar at the concrete.  She flipped a switch on the back, and hit a hidden trigger.  A laser blast jolted from the headstock, burning a neat hole in the ground.  Edie shone a light from her smartglasses down the smoking hole.  What she saw below looked almost like a warehouse, except one of Indiana Jones proportions!

“This is it!” she said to Mike.  “Your friend was right after all.  Let’s fly!”

With that, Mike jumped on her back and Edie rocketed down into the hole she had just created.  She activated some lights on her leather jacket that helped illuminate the underground bunker.  Mike turned on his Croclights.

The pair scanned the mammoth sized room with their eyes.  Boxes upon boxes, countless boxes.  Thousands, millions?  The human brain simply could not absorb the scale of the scene before them.  They turned slowly around and examined every side.  Over there, loose Lego bricks, in buckets and pails.  On that side, fully built Lego structures and sets.  The rest of the entire space of the massive room was taken up by box after box after infinite box of Lego.

“Hey Edie,” joked Mike.  “Know where I can find some Mega Bloks?”

“Hah hah,” she deadpanned.  Then she got serious.  “But who would do this?  And why?”

A voice boomed from a gantry above.  “I would!”  Suddenly every light in the building was switched on.  Edie and Mike covered their eyes as they were blinded by the sudden burst of light.  Edie could barely see a figure, a silhouette.  Suddenly the figure dematerilized.  With a shimmer of light, he was gone.  Then, a microsecond later, he rematerialized on the ground before her eyes!

“So that’s how you stole all this Lego,” she surmised.  “You have transporter technology.  Where did you get it?  Speak!”

The figure slowly became unblurred in their eyes.  To their shock, it was someone they both recognized.  Before them stood the clean-shaven, long haired man they met at the Toys R Us store in Canada earlier!  He was now dressed simply in jeans and T-shirt, his beautiful brown hair hanging like waterfalls over his shoulders.

“I swear you look familiar!” shouted Fanboy Mike to the villain.  “What’s your name, dick head?” he taunted.

“My name is Shinzon,” answered the Australian.  “I was cloned by a man named Tyranus over one of the moons of Bogden,” he sneered.  “Perhaps that is why I appear familiar to you, Michael.  Where I got my technology is of no concern to you two.  As for why I took all the Lego?”  The un-moustached Australian smiled an evil smile.  “Because I wanted it.”

“Selfish fool,” said Edie as she shook her head.

“Selfish?  Yes.  Foolish?  Look around you.  Who’s the fool and who’s the one with all the Lego?”  The Australian glared at the woman before him.  “Look at you…you think you can fight me in those heels?  If you agree to leave peacefully now, I’ll beam you back safely to wherever you came from.  What will it be, Edie Van Heelin’?  Yes, I know who you are.  I’ve heard of you.  You are starting to make a name for yourself.  Be careful.  You do-gooders are attracting the wrong kind of attention from powers greater than me.”

Edie yawned.  “Oh I’m sorry, were you speaking?  Listen, Shinface.  I just have two things I need from you and then you can take a nice vacation in prison, which is where I’m taking you when we’re done here.”  If looks could kill, Shinzon would be dead by now.  Edie set her terms.  “Firstly:  you beam every single brick of Lego back where you got it, and hand over your tech to me.  Secondly…” she paused a moment, as she had a rare shy spell.  “Secondly, how do you get your hair so silky and beautiful?  I have to know your secrets.”

Shinzon laughed.  “Let’s just say it’s a trick of the lights, no secret.”  Edie harrumphed at his answer.  Shinzon continued.  “As for the Lego?  You’ll have to make me, Edie Van Heelin’.”

Edie sighed.  “Oh well.  Prepare to get made.”

Shinzon growled, “They always said you were the Party Police, Edie.  Well not this time.”  He activated a switch on his belt.  Suddenly, from the ceiling, millions of Lego bricks poured onto to the floor!  “Try walking over those in your heels, Edie!” laughed Shinzon.

Edie laughed.  “Who’s walking, Shinface?”  She ignited her rocket boots and flew towards the villain.  With a mighty tackle worthy of the 49’ers, she easily knocked the villain to the ground.  But with a smirk, he beamed himself across the room before she could strike another blow!

Fanboy Mike was stuck on the floor of Lego, trying to move towards Shinzon but unable to get much traction.  “I’m sorry Edie!  I’m stuck!”

“Stand back, Mike,” she warned.  “This guy’s going down!”  She took aim with her laser guitar, but missed as Shinzon beamed himself to the top of a giant stack of Lego boxes.  He laughed in mockery as Edie struggled to get a clear shot.  She did not want to destroy any Lego in the process.  Then she had an idea.  She raised her arms to the sky and summoned the animals!

“Magpies!  Dingos!  Roos!  To my side!”

Suddenly, from the hole in the ceiling, poured every animal from the Australian wild!  Shinzon’s eyes went wide in terror as a magpie swooped at his head.  There was a dingo on each arm now, preventing him from activating his transporter!  Several kangaroos lined up to take the first kick on Edie’s command.  Shinzon struggled against the magpies and dingos but it was futile.  He was beaten, soundly and surely, as the animals immobilised him.

Edie aimed her laser guitar at the evil Australian clone.  “Don’t make me,” she warned.

Shinzon coughed up some red spittle as he barked back at her.  “Do it!  I double dingo dare you.”

Fanboy Mike groaned at the joke.  Edie kept the guitar aimed directly at the Australian.  “One last chance!” she warned.  “Give us the tech, and hair care secrets, now!”

The villain simply laughed.  “You don’t understand do you?  I want you to shoot!”

Edie shrugged.  Without hesitation, she fired the guitar.  The blast hit Shinzon square on.  “Ow!” he moaned as he felt the impact.  His body went limp as the animals let him fall to the ground.  Then he did something unexpected.  He smiled.  And then, like all villains ultimately must, he explained.

“My suit…” he coughed.  “My suit has a failsafe.  If I am critically wounded…it automatically beams me to a safe location to recuperate.  Goodbye, Edie Van Heelin’!  You lose!”  With that, a device on his belt sputtered sparks.  “Oh no…” said Shinzon.  “It’s broken!”  Suddenly he began to shimmer in bright light, as the broken device beamed him away.  Where to, would be impossible to know now even for Shinzon.  He had escaped…but to where?

Edie Van Heelin’ stood dejected.

“It’s OK Edie,” said Fanboy Mike as he struggled to walk in her direction.  All the animals made their way to her side to comfort her.  Mike continued.  “We didn’t lose, we won.  We saved the Lego.  Most of it, anyway.  Maybe he got away, but he may be worse off now than if he didn’t.”

Edie smiled.  “Thanks Mike.  You’re always such good support.  I guess not every ending can be the perfect ending, can it?”

Mike smiled.  “Not every ending.  But I’d give us a solid 9/10 stars for this adventure.”

“OK, 9/10 stars it is,” said Edie with a grin.  “What now?  How do we get all this Lego back to where they came from?”

Mike answered.  “I’ll give my wizard buddy from Thunder Bay a call.  He’ll know what to do.  As for what WE do now, we go for tea.  I assume they have tea in Australia!”

Edie’s eyes lit up.  “Tea time!  Let’s do it!”  With that, Mike jumped on her back, Edie lit the rockets, and the pair soared off into the Australian sky, basking in the Southern Lights.

Epilogue

On a distant world, his eyes opened wearily to an alien sky.  The stars were foreign to him.  He was now a stranger in a strange land.  His transporter was fully destroyed, the one last beam-out being the fatal one for its circuits.  Stranded.

“She won,” said Shinzon.  “But not for forever.”  He tried to stand, but fell back down into the alien dirt.

“Ow,” said the Australian clone as he laid down on his back in pain.

“My boss will not be happy about this at all.”

The End

 

 

 

THE EXTENDED LEBRAINIVERSE

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie vs. Tommy Lee in the Bouncy Castle of Doom! (By LeBrain)

The Advenures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie and the Quest for the Lost Lego (By LeBrain with Harrison Kopp)

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE

Chapter Zero:  Tee Bone Man – Origins (by LeBrain) Coming March 2023

Chapter One: A Friend in Need (by LeBrain)

Chapter Two: Hell Freezes Over (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Three: Hell Ain’t A Bad Place to Be (by LeBrain)

Chapter Four: Tee Bone Man and the Rink of…Doom? (by Aaron KMA)

Chapter Five: The Super Duper Vault (by John Snow)

Chapter Six: Tee Bone Man Goes to Camp (by LeBrain)

Chapter Seven:  The Revenge of Common Knowledge (by LeBrain)

Chapter Eight:  Tee Bone & Deke’s Time Travelling Adventure (by 80sMetalMan)

Chapter Nine:  Castle Communications (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Ten:  The Case of the Lost Iron Maiden Socks (by LeBrain)

Chapter Eleven:  A Tee Bone Man Christmas (by all five of us)

Chapter Twelve:  Lost In Space (by John T. Snow) Coming January 2023

Chapter Thirteen:  Clip Show (by LeBrain) Coming February 2023

 

The Writer’s Room: Chapter One

The Writer’s Room:  It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like a Tee Bone Man Christmas

 

A Tee Bone Man Christmas Special: The Adventures of Tee Bone Man

By all of us:  Mike, Harrison, Aaron KMA, John T. Snow and the 80sMetalMan

A very special episode for Christmas, this one was written by all five of us!  I asked each author to write their own portion of the story, where their characters arrive bearing gifts and glad tidings for Deke and Tee Bone.  As you read, each writer’s style comes into play as their characters join the story.  We sincerely hope you will enjoy… 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN CHAPTER XI: A Tee Bone Man Christmas Special

The snow fell softly on the moon-lit night. The air was briskly cold and the breath of the Stranger dressed in black wafted in puffs as he walked through the deserted Thunder Bay town square. Not a soul was to be seen, though joyful colourful lights adorned the windows of the square. For it was Christmas, the happiest time of year for boys and girls and everyone on this glowing night. As all children know, Christmas comes but once a year, and the spirit of giving was floating high in the air tonight. The Stranger bore a black-wrapped parcel under his arm, as he strode determinedly through the square, towards the outskirts of town.  Beneath the streetlights, snowflakes drifted at their own leisurely pace, in no hurry to meet the ground.

Flakes melted as they landed on the brim of the Stranger’s dark hat; little bright stars of white that glittered like diamonds for a brief half-life before they disappeared into the obsidian. He trudged past a snowman, who looked on indifferently with his frozen ice expression, as the pure white crunched beneath the Stranger’s black boots. A single car turned the corner and made its way home from a late-night errand. The Stranger kept walking, leaving deep and crisp prints in the blanket of white.

Morning

At Deke’s Palace, Tee Bone Man and Superdekes were all snuzzled in their wuzzles after too much egg nog and an extra pipeful of Santa’s magic. Though Tee Bone Man’s snoring was legendary, on this night, he barely made a sound. A true Christmas miracle! Superdekes had fallen asleep in his armchair again, but smiled as he snoozed, dreaming dreams of glittery new gifts and happy cheers.

The sun cracked a ray of light through an uncovered window as it slowly made its lazy rise on Christmas Day. The ray of light shone directly onto Deke’s eyelids, which fluttered slightly. He continued to snooze away, but the sound of the morning birds outside roused him from his noggy slumber. His eyes slowly opened as Deke yawned a yawn suited to a champion like him. He grabbed his glasses from a nearly endtable (knocking over an empty mug of nog in the process) and rubbed his eyes. His back creaked as he got out of his recliner, so he gave it a good stretch. Snap, crackle and pop went his lower vertebrae as Deke raised his arms to the ceiling. That felt good! He looked over to his best friend Tee Bone Man sleeping on the couch, in his favourite pajamas. As usual, his cape acted as his blanket. What a cute sight he was, sleeping peacefully like a baby. He’d never slept so quiet before in his life!

Superdekes tip-toed over to the windows and opened the curtains all the way. Red rays of the rising sun broke through. It was indeed a gorgeous Christmas day. He made his way into the kitchen and made two coffees. Time to wake up his buddy and open some gifts!

Tee Bone Man’s nose started to twitch as the coffee brewed over in the next room. Deke wandered over to the couch and nudged his friend.

“Wakey wakey, big guy! Santa came!”

Tee Bone yawned himself awake with a big smile.

“Really? Santa Claus came for real?” asked the big man, removing his cape-covers revealing his pajamas underneath.  He reached for his glasses so he could see.

“Yeah man, he made this coffee for you!” said Superdekes as he handed the steaming mug to Tee Bone. “And there’s a whole pile of gifts under the tree.”

Tee Bone Man reached for his glasses and sipped deeply of his coffee. “Santa broke out of the good coffee this morning I see,” said Tee Bone as he indulged in a second sip.

“Only the best for you, pal!” said Deke as they clinked mugs together. “Let’s get going on the gifts buddy! I’ve been excited all month for this!”

Tee Bone Man grabbed a stack of kindling, and started a cozy fire in the fireplace in the corner of the room. It began to crackle warmly as Deke plugged in the Christmas tree. The lights flickered to life and electronic ornaments whirred into motion. It was finally Christmas morning at Deke’s Palace and the boys were now ready! The pair sat by the tree and each grabbed a gift.

“You first, buddy!” said Deke as he handed Tee Bone a box, wrapped in elaborate red paper, with a red, blue and white bow.

“Montreal Canadiens colours eh?” said Tee Bone as he examined the box. He gave it a shake. “Is that a clue as to what’s inside?”

“Open it and see,” coaxed Deke.

Tee Bone ripped the paper open in half a second. He laughed when he saw the box beneath.

“A sleep apnea machine?!” laughed Tee Bone. “Is my snoring that bad?”

“Let’s just say that Frank Loffredo downtown has complained about it even when he has a punk band playing at Crocks.” The two laughed. “That’s just a gag gift though. Your real gift is over there on the stereo.”

Tee Bone looked towards the turntable and noticed a small package wrapped on top. He got up from the floor and opened the red, blue and white parcel. Out popped a pair of new socks. Iron Maiden socks! And this time, not cursed, like the last pair they had bought from a bootleg merchandiser!

“Maiden socks!” shouted Tee Bone in glee. Deke smiled at his friend’s expression. Tee Bone’s eyes were wide and his mouth was agape in surprise. In seconds, he had kicked off his slippers (they landed somewhere behind the stereo) and he had his new Maiden socks on his feet. Eddie’s eyes gleamed in silvery-red thread. The embroidery was top-notch.

“I’m so happy right now,” said Tee Bone in genuine warmth.

“I’m glad to see you so happy,” said his best friend. “You deserve it. You’ve had a hard year. Been through a lot. Merry Christmas dude.”

“Merry Christmas to you too man,” said Tee. Lemme get some Scotch for these coffees. Never too early for Scotch. We’re not going anywhere today.

Tee Bone Man added some Scotch to their mugs and retrieved a large box from under the tree. He handed both to Superdekes who was shocked at the size of the box.

“Woah, dude, you went overboard this year,” said Deke as he examined the wrapping paper. “Wait a second…is this Billy Sheehan wrapping paper??”

Tee Bone winked. “Of course, isn’t that ‘Common Knowledge‘?”

“You dick!” laughed Deke. “Where did you find it?”

“I had it custom made!” answered Tee Bone. “I figured you’d like nothing better than to rip that guy’s picture apart for Christmas.”

“Hah! You got that right!” said Deke as he tore the paper right through Sheehan’s face. “That was satisfying,” he sighed.

Deke was surprised by what he held in his hands. “A new rocket? To replace the one you shot to Australia?”

“Yeah, I feel so badly for that,” said Tee Bone Man in embarrassment. “I owed you for that. Sorry man. I felt really bad.”

“It’s Christmas dude, nothing to be sorry for!” gushed Deke. “Thank you, man. I never understood why you shot that rocket to Harrison in Australia. Did you ever find out if he got it?”

Tee Bone shuddered a moment as his mind flashed back to summer. Summer at Camp…the “squeeing” of that squirrel…the smell of the rocket fuel as he shot that little bastard off to Down Under, about as far away from Camp as he could imagine. Tee Bone had never told Deke the truth of that holiday, that he had been bested and broken by a damn rodent. He had buried the trauma deep in his psyche.

“Hah,” said Tee Bone absently. “I don’t know. I never asked. Who cares.”

Deke had been concerned for his friend’s mental wellbeing lately, ever since that trip to Camp. Tee Bone has been jittery and absent minded ever since.

“Well, thank you,” said Deke, trying to snap his friend back to the present, with presents. “This is really cool. I just need to do a few of my custom mods to it and it’ll be even better than my last rocket. Can’t wait to give it a test flight this summer. You did well man!”

Tee Bone, now back to normal, smiled and said “Cheers Deke!” as he raised his mug to his best friend. “There’s more though. I couldn’t just give you a rocket that I clearly owed you anyway. Grab that big heavy box wrapped in blue.”

Deke barely lifted the heavy box onto his lap. “What’s this?” he asked puzzled.

“Open it and see you goof!” laughed Tee Bone.

Deke ripped into the blue paper, only to see more blue beneath.

“The KISS Creatures of the Night box set!!” Deke glowed in happy surprise. “Thank you, man!” Deke danced across the room and gave his friend a big hug. It was then that the two heard a knock at the door.

“Was that a knock?” asked Tee. “Are you expecting anybody?”

Deke shook his head to the negative. “Not until tonight, when the families show up for Christmas dinner. Darr offered to come over early and help set the table.”

“That’s not Darr,” said Tee Bone as he peaked through the spyhole. He saw a stranger at the door, with a hat concealing most of his features. Under his arm, the stranger held a box wrapped in black paper. “Think it’s OK?” he asked Deke.

Deke shrugged. “It’s Christmas…open the door.”

Tee Bone unlocked the three locks and disarmed the electronic door security measures. He opened the door a little and greeted the stranger.

“Merry Christmas stranger! What can I do for you today?” Tee Bone asked the man in the black hat.

A Luke Skywalker lookalike removed his hat and laughed. “Stranger? As if you didn’t save my life from a Sasquatch this year!”

“Brainiac!!” shouted Tee Bone and Superdekes in unison. “Come in man! Come and have some Scotch & coffee with us!”

The Brainiac removed his heavy black coat and hung it near the fireplace. He placed his gift down on the ground and took a seat near the fire.  Within seconds, Deke had served up another warm mug, which the Brainaic accepted from his happy host.

“Good to see you guys,” said the Brainiac as he took his first sip. “Wow,” he remarked under his breath at the powerful beverage. He looked up at his hosts. “Meaty Man couldn’t make it so I bear gifts on his behalf. I feel like we never got to thank you properly for saving us from that Sasquatch.”

“Ahh that was nothing!” said Superdekes. “That’s at least twice a week up here in Thunder Bay,” he explained. Tee Bone Man nodded in agreement as Deke continued. “A lot of people think Tee Bone Man and I are always saving the world from existential threats. The truth is, we spend most of our time just looking out for Sasquatches. It’s routine now.  Not a glamorous job, but it’s what we do,” finished the superhero.

“Well, you saved our lives and I have come to say thanks and Merry Christmas,” said the Brainiac. “I hope you like your gift. It’s a custom.”

“Let’s open it together,” said Tee Bone. He and Deke picked up the black-wrapped package and each grabbed a corner. With a 1-2-3, the two ripped the paper off, revealing a custom Lego set beneath. “Woah!!” the pair exclaimed as they stared at the gift. “Is this…?”

“Yes, it is. That is a custom-made Lego Ultimate Collector’s Series Superdeke’s Flying Motorcycle. I ordered it from Australia. It comes with Lego versions of you guys, a guitar for Tee Bone, and the bike converts to flying mode with no partsforming needed!”

“Thank you so much,” said Tee Bone Man in genuine gratitude. “This is going to be so fun for us to build. It’s going to look great over there by the amps.” Tee Bone pointed over towards his amp stack in the corner.

“It can go right on top,” said Deke. “Thanks man. I’m sorry but we don’t have anything for you.”

“That’s OK,” smiled the Brainiac. “Giving is better than receiving.” The trio smiled and raised a holiday cheer with their mugs.

Spirits at the Palace were high. Suddenly, from out on the lawn there arose such a clatter.  Loud “Wahoos!” could be heard approaching, and everyone knew what that meant as the doorbell rang.

The door swung wide and in walked Aaron, Manager of the KMA Eastern Offices!  Otherwise known as “Mr. Books”, he was the general all-around Community cheerleader. The guys first met him at the concession stands of Iron Maiden concert two months prior.  They kept in touch and had become close.

“Thanks for locking the door Tee Bone,” nudged Deke sarcastically.

“Ho ho ho!” grinned Aaron, with high fives all around. “Nice pajamas, boys!” There was a sack slung over his shoulder as he made his way to the tree and plopped himself down. “I come bearing gifts,” said Mr. Books, “and I think you’ll dig ‘em.”

The room became silent in anticipation!

Stretching a long skinny arm into his sack of gifts, the first gift was for Deke. Ripping into the wrapping paper, Deke held aloft an elegant, soft leather-bound book with his name on the front. “What the heck…?” Deke wondered aloud. Flipping pages, it dawned on him. “Is this what I think it is?”

Mr. Books nodded. “Yup, a full transcript of your entire blog to date, bound and ready for late-night fire-side readings!”

Deke smiled and said, “Mr. Books got me a book…!” to chuckles all around.

Back into the bag went the arm, and out came a prezzie for Tee Bone. It was smaller, but once the paper was ripped away, Tee Bone’s face lit up. “Where did you get this done?” he wondered aloud as he showed everyone the retail-ready version of the collected works (to-date) of Tee Bone. Its title read Tee Bone: Kick Ass.

“Wow!” said Tee Bone as he admired the shrink-wrapped CD with his name on the front.

“Oh, and by the way,” said Aaron, “Deke, your book is in the works at McLelland & Stewart for publication in the spring, and Tee Bone, your CD is printed with the LPs following next month, through Universal Music Canada. Enjoy! Community!”

Festivities ensued, as the boys handed Aaron his own mug of coffee and Scotch.  Superdekes said “I feel a little bad getting all these gifts, and we didn’t have anything for anyone.”

“Don’t worry about it, just remember what the Brainiac said…it is better to receive than to give,” Tee Bone mumbled with a slight slur, as the booze was really kicking in.  As was the party.

Suddenly, they heard a car horn, and loud noise from something that flew over their lair.  Everyone jumped up and went outside where the bitter cold shrunk their manhoods up into their bodies.  They looked up to see a bright red McLaren soaring overhead being pulled by nine…snowmen?  Yep, nine snowmen. The one out front even had a red nose.  This could only mean one thing.

The McLaren circled and was set to glide in for a landing.  As the snowmen touched down, the one with the red nose tripped and fell causing all the other snowmen to follow course. The flying car came in hard and ran over all the snowmen destroying them, as they blended in with all the snow that was already covering the landscape.

The car door opened and out jumped John “the Snowman” himself.  “Wow!  That was sure as hell fun.  Thought I was going to stick that landing.  I guess I’ll have to drive back now without the snowmen to pull me.”

Superdekes and Tee Bone Man looked each other and shook their heads.  They both simultaneously uttered a bewildered “What an idiot”.

“Merry Christmas guys!” the Snowman screamed. “I’m here bearing gifts.  I wanted to thank you guys again for all you do.”  As he pulled a large sack from the trunk.  It looked really heavy and almost looked like he was dragging a body.

They all shook hands, and led the Snowman into their lair out of the cold and away from the lunacy they witnessed.

“Come on in Snowman, and have a drink”, Tee Bone said invitingly.  The Snowman nodded and followed, dragging the bag behind him.  He went to the bar first grabbing a whole bottle instead of a glass.  Then he sat down in the seat of his choosing not caring that it was Superdekes’ armchair, and he didn’t see how perturbed Superdekes was about it.

The Snowman looked at the bag with a silly shit-eating grin on his face. “Superdekes, this is for you.”  He opened the bag and out popped a head.  The head had tape over the mouth and was squirming like crazy. The bag fell off the rest of the body and there standing in the lair was none other than Billy Sheehan, otherwise known as Common Knowledge!  Deke’s arch nemesis!

Superdekes gasped, ”Holy moly!”

The Snowman untied the evil bassist, and then ripped the tape off Billy’s mouth.  Billy let out a huge scream. “Remember what we discussed,” the Snowman said to Billy.

Billy turned to Superdekes and stated, “Superdekes, I am sorry for how I acted towards you and I want to apologize.  It is ‘Common Knowledge’ that I’m a self-centered idiot, and sometimes I am rude to people.  To show my sincerity, instead of signing my music rights over to some company where I can make millions, I am signing my rights over to you.”  He handed a folder of paper to Superdekes.

Superdekes gasped, ”Holy moly!”

And with that, the Snowman showed Billy to the door and commanded, “Okay, now, get the hell out and you can walk back to your house!” He kicked him in the ass on the way out.  Common Knowledge whimpered as he limped off in the snow.

Superdekes laughed, “That was so awesome!  Not very Christmas-y, but awesome!  I can’t thank you enough! That was so generous and illegal of you.”

The Snowman guffawed.  “So what, I’ll pay off a judge if it comes to that, but I doubt he’ll say anything as I have pictures of Billy that he doesn’t want to be let out.”

“What do the pictures show?” Tee Bone Man asked.

“Oh, it has him actually getting a Covid shot,” The Snowman laughed even harder. The others chuckled as well.  “I guess it is your turn now, Tee Bone Man.”  The Snowman pulled out of the bag an Eddie Van Halen Frankstrat guitar…sorry not “an” Eddie Van Halen Frankenstrat…THE original Frankenstrat.

Tee Bone Man’s mouth fell open and asked, “I thought Satan had this.”

“He did, but even Satan has a price!” The Snowman answered with a smirk.

“Man, this is totally awesome. I can’t thank you enough,” Tee Bone Man graciously said.  They all sat down and cranked tunes and laughed until it was time for the Snowman to head back out, since he was driving and not flying home.

Superdekes was getting too tipsy to get up, so Tee Bone Man showed the Snowman to the door. On the way out, as they said their goodbyes, the Snowman handed Tee Bone Man an envelope addressed to him with a “For Your Eyes Only” stamped on it.  The Snowman said mysteriously, “As we talked about last week.”

Tee Bone Man nodded in understanding, but the Christmas spirit was boisterous this year.  He gave the Snowman a big hug, and asked him to stay.  “Listen, driving home, on a day like today…don’t leave Snowman, stay with us!  Spend the night in the guest room of the Palace.  You are more than welcome.”

“Are you sure?” the Snowman asked.  He didn’t want to be that annoying guest who stayed too late.

“Absolutely!  Stay the night!  Like your favourite band Kiss says, rock and roll all nite Snowman!”

With that the Snowman kicked off his boots and settled in for more drinks with Aaron and the Brainiac.

Tee Bone man looked at the envelope that the Snowman handed him and tucked it into his sweater.  Superdekes noticed this covert behaviour.  “What’s that about?” he asked.

Tee Bone Man said dismissively, “it’s nothing.”

Early Afternoon

The day continued on as everyone celebrated. A grand lunch was enjoyed by all, but now at midday, a friendly game of air hockey between friends had taken a heated turn. Deke took objection to Tee Bone’s checking, and was about to give him a piece of his mind when the sound of a single-propeller aeroplane buzzed overhead. This was shortly followed by a loud thump and a muffled “Ow!” From the roof above. Tee Bone and Deke looked at each other. Unless Santa was very late, this could only be one person.

And sure enough, in the front yard stood Harrison Holden, the Australian hero El Moustachio. He was cracking his back and discarding a parachute to the snowy ground. Tee Bone ran out to greet him.

“Dude! It’s great to see you but you do know we have airports, right?”

“I didn’t want to wait to see you. Plus can you imagine trying to drive a car all the way out here?”

Tee Bone looked around. The Australian was right as they hadn’t even attempted to clear the snow from out the front of the Palace. And he certainly wasn’t about to begin now. Putting his arm around the Australian’s shoulder, he guided him towards Deke’s Palace.

“Well, you’re here now, so come on in. I think we’ve still got food leftover from lunch.  Turkey dinner will be served at six.  Now there’s something I’ve always been meaning to ask you.  Do they have squirrels over there in Australia?  And do you call them squirrels?  Or do you call them squirrelaroos?”

“Well, not exactly. But you see…“

He was then interrupted as Deke also took the opportunity to ask Harrison something else he’d been meaning to for a while now.

“Hey Harrison, I just remembered to ask you.  Did you get my rocket a while back?”

“Yeah, it crashed on the beach near my place. I salvaged what I could from it. Would you like me to bring it next time?”

“No, that’s fine”, Deke replied as they walked through the door. “I got a replacement today.  I wanted to ask you about what Tee Bone sent to you…”

Deke’s question was interrupted by a loud banging and a crash in the kitchen.

“Sorry!” yelled the Brainiac from the kitchen.  “I spilled the Scotch!”  Deke forgot about his question as he smacked his head in frustration.

“I’m helping him clean!” shouted Aaron in response.  “Me too!” screamed the Snowman, slightly easing Deke’s mind.  But that Scotch wasn’t cheap!

The three men entered the Palace, and Harrison pulled his backpack off his back and reached into it.

“Well, I got a few more things for you guys. First up, an original vinyl of The Razor’s Edge, for you to share.  Australian pressing of course.”

“Wicked!  AC/DC!” Tee Bone exclaimed, taking the record. He ran his hand over it, feeling the aged cardboard under his fingers.  “Feels exactly like 1990!”

Harrison reached back into his bag and pulled out an authentic Australian boomerang.

“I’m sorry to hear about your guitar Tee Bone. I know this won’t replace it, but it should give you some ranged offensive capabilities. And when you do get a new guitar, it will make a nice mantelpiece item.”

“Awesome, thank you”, Tee Bone said. He held the curved weapon in his hand. It had a satisfying weightiness and fit perfectly.  “I did get a new guitar, but it’s not for missions.  Take a look!”

Tee Bone gave Harrison a good thorough examination of the Frankenstrat.  “Very cool!  Is that the original?” asked Harrison.

“It sure is!” screamed the Snowman from across the room.  Harrison gasped in astonishment at the piece of rock history standing before him.  He took a moment to admire it, and then turned to Deke.

“And for you Deke, I give you the latest weapon in your arsenal.”  The Australian handed Deke a metal chain with a round lump of metal on each end.  Balls of steel, so to speak.

“They’re sort of like nunchucks, but much more damaging”, he said, with a smile.

Deke twirled them around. They were deceptively light, but Deke could tell from swinging them around that they’d pack a punch.

“Thanks man”, Deke replied. “I can think of quite a few uses for these.”

“Glad to hear. Merry Christmas guys.”

And the three men turned to continue the festivities as the others joined in.

Late Afternoon

The Scotch, as well as other alcoholic beverages continued to flow into Christmas afternoon. While sober Harrison volunteered to clean up in the kitchen, Tee Bone Man, Superdekes, Aaron, Brainiac and the Snowman all slumped themselves down on various pieces of furniture throughout the living room. Much to the silent annoyance of Deke, the Snowman once again was occupying his favourite armchair. All were now in a festive but quiet mood, as they digested their food.  Together they enjoyed the Christmas songs recorded on an mp3 by the denizens of Rock Heaven.

“Is that Ronnie James Dio singing ‘Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire?'” asked a rather perplexed Aaron.

Superdekes raised his head and answered in the affirmative and then added, “And that’s Randy Rhoads on the guitar,” when the guitar solo came.

They were all ensconced in their enjoyment of the music, when they heard yet another knock at the door. Being the closest, Tee Bone Man staggered over and opened the door. He recognized the figure at the door straight away.

“Metalman!” How did you get here?” Tee Bone Man sputtered out in total surprise.

“Allow me to come in and I’ll tell you,” the Metalman replied.

Tee Bone Man opened the door wider and let the visitor in. “Hey everyone, it’s the Metalman!” he announced to the room.

The near slumbering Superdekes suddenly perked up. Sitting straight, he asked the question which was on both of their minds. “How did you get to Canada from England? I’m sure there wouldn’t be any flights now.”

“It seems I am a contact point between this world and Rock Heaven,” Metalman began. “I’ve been visited a few times by different deceased artists, mainly to make sure I am getting my historical facts right. Cliff Burton told me that if I hadn’t corrected myself when I wrote about Slayer’s Show No Mercy album, he would have personally come and haunted me forever. Anyway, they told me of a secret porthole between here and my home. The only way to open it is to play ‘Tom Sawyer’ backwards at double speed, I did and it took me straight to your door.”

Tee Bone Man took a second to absorb this information but then exclaimed, “Come and join the party! Superdekes you know, but this is Aaron, Harrison, Brainiac and the Snowman.”  Harrison had finished cleaning the dishes and had rejoined the party.  He shook Metalman’s hand with his fresh dish-soap Australian right.

Aaron struggled to his feet and stumbled over extending his hand to the Metalman. “So, you’re the guy who helped these two heroes save heavy metal.”

While Metalman nodded, Superdekes stood up and proclaimed, “He saved our lives! If it hadn’t been for him, we would have been driven insane by that device that Suplee character had.”

“Hey, you guys saved heavy metal from being erased from history. I was just glad to get the assist,” Metalman humbly responded, hoping the Canadians would be impressed with his hockey reference. They nodded in approval while Aaron let out a “Wahoo!”  Metalman continued.  “Anyway, I thought it would be cool to visit you guys. Besides, after nearly 36 wet Christmases in England, I wanted to see a white Christmas again, and where better than Canada.”

“That’s true,” Aaron stated.  “We have the best winters.”

The Metalman continued, “I don’t come empty handed.” He reached into the bag he was holding and pulled out a bottle of beer with Stroud Brewery on the label.  “All of these are from my local brewery and there’s plenty for all.  And I got you a Christmas present.”  Metalman turned his head to an unseen entity.  “You can reveal yourself now.”

Aaron, Brainiac and the Snowman all must have thought the drink was getting the better of them as they saw a form begin to manifest itself in the room, though Tee Bone Man and Superdekes had seen it before. What they didn’t expect was exactly who was materializing in the room before their eyes. “Everyone,” Metalman announced with a huge grin on his face, “I brought Neil Peart.”

Seeing all the surprised expressions in the room, Neil spoke. “I had to meet the two guys who saved heavy metal. I would have loved to have come when Dio, Hanneman and Lemmy first contacted you but I was busy elsewhere. Besides, John Bonham was a good replacement.”

“I don’t know what to say,” Tee Bone Man said in complete astonishment to the Metalman. “We had no idea you were coming, we didn’t even get you a present.”

“Hey, like the other guys said, Christmas is about giving. I don’t think you could get me what I would really like. That is to meet my favourite Canadian band, the Killer Dwarfs, or at least Russ Graham.”

“You never know, they might be playing at Crocks next year.  We’ll have to ask Frank,” Tee-Bone Man stated. Now let’s not think about next year, and enjoy our Christmas with our celebrity guest! With that, he bade Metalman to sit down and made him a special Scotch coffee. Meanwhile, Neil Peart stated, “If you fast forward that mp3 to track 152, I play drums for Elvis on this Christmas song.”

Superdekes followed Neil’s instruction and in no time, all the friends were back to rocking the Christmas festivities, in ways they never imagined possible before.

Early Evening

“That…was awesome,” said the Brainiac in summation of the Christmas Day he had just enjoyed.

“Wasn’t it?” asked Aaron, face reddened by too much drink.  “Good to see ya my friend, it’s been too long.”

“How about you Harrison?” asked the Brainiac.  “Did you have a good time today?  Are you full of treats?”

“Am I ever,” said Harrison, “But I’m going to bring some of those roasted chestnuts home for a friend of mine.”

Deke stood and addressed the room.

“My friends, thank you for joining Tee Bone and I for Christmas.  Soon our families will be here for the big Christmas Dinner, even though some of you are still full from lunch!  I warned you to save room for the turkey!”  He glared in jest over at Tee Bone, who was caught eating handfuls of chocolate before dinner.  “You are all welcome to stay, but I think there is just one thing that is missing here today.”  Deke looked over at the Snowman relaxing in his favourite armchair and decided now was the time to make his move.  “Snowman, would you do the honours?  Side one, track four please.”  He handed the Snowman the copy of Razor’s Edge that Harrison had gifted them earlier.

“Sure thing!” screamed the Snowman as he got up out of the chair.  Deke swiftly and sneakily took his place back.

The needle hit wax and Deke said, “Guys, how about a singalong?  I believe you all know how it goes.”

“Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the day.  I just can’t wait til Christmas time…when I roll you in the hay…” sang Brian Johnson on the AC/DC holiday classic “Mistress for Christmas”.

The whole gang stood and sang along to the merry tune.  Then, mid-song, Tee Bone announced, “Ladies and gentlemen…on the drums, Mr. Neil Peart!”  The ghost of Peart, and a phantom drum kit, began to keep time with the song, a sound that only those in that room on that day would ever witness.  A historic Christmas for Tee Bone Man, Superdekes and all their friends.  A celebration of a year of struggles and victories.  An anticipation for what the next year will bring in the Adventures of Tee Bone Man and Superdekes.  For their story was only beginning.

Merry Christmas, one and all.

Mike, Harrison, Aaron, John and Michael

Epilogue

Not one for elaborate goodbyes, the Stranger quietly let his hosts know it was time for him to leave, and then slipped into the night.  With his dark fedora once again on his head, and soft coat keeping him warm from the elements, he made a lonely figure as he trudged in the deep snow.  Lonely on the surface, but only to those who did not know.  For the select few who spent Christmas day with him, they knew he was happy and fulfilled.  Nothing made him warmer inside than spending a day with his friends.  This was a Christmas he would long remember, full of cheer and miracles.

And he knew it wouldn’t be long before he saw Tee Bone Man and soon-to-be Grampa Deke one more time.  It was all but written in stone.

He stopped at the Thunder Bay town square where his Christmas began.  It looked much like it had the night before.  The bright lights still shone, and the snow still glistened and sparkled before him.  He glanced at his watch and then looked up to the sky.  He never told his hosts exactly how he got to Thunder Bay for Christmas, but the Stranger had a ride.  He smiled as he saw the woman in the rocket boots, right on time, ready to take him to his next party.

The End

 

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN

Chapter One: A Friend in Need (by LeBrain)

Chapter Two: Hell Freezes Over (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Three: Hell Ain’t A Bad Place to Be (by LeBrain)

Chapter Four: Tee Bone Man and the Rink of…Doom? (by Aaron KMA)

Chapter Five: The Super Duper Vault (by John Snow)

Chapter Six: Tee Bone Man Goes to Camp (by LeBrain)

Chapter Seven:  The Revenge of Common Knowledge (by LeBrain)

Chapter Eight:  Tee Bone & Deke’s Time Travelling Adventure (by 80sMetalMan)

Chapter Nine:  Castle Communications (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Ten:  The Case of the Lost Iron Maiden Socks (by LeBrain)

Chapter Eleven:  A Tee Bone Man Christmas Special (by all five of us)

 

THE EXTENDED LEBRAINIVERSE

The Writer’s Room: chapter one

The Writer’s Room:  It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like a Tee Bone Man Christmas

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie vs. Tommy Lee in the Bouncy Castle of Doom!