THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN CHAPTER ZERO:  ORIGINS

The Northern tundra of Canada is host to a certain romantic quality.  While Thunder Bay Ontario is considered a crossroads of the nation, it is not what you would call a popular tourist destination.  Cold 11 months of the year with a short summer known as July, Thunder Bay is for the rugged.  The weathered.  The tough.  Composed of big rocks, large rocks, giant rocks, and trees, the landscape is beautiful and dangerous.  The town of Thunder Bay itself is dark and bleak most of the year.  The Canadian tundra is harsh.

Yet over a decade ago in this location, an eccentric businessman and Scotch enthusiast, William W. Roderick Stewart III, broke ground and built an experimental new distillery, specializing in single malt whisky.  Top secret new formula.  If only it were Scotland, they could call it true Scotch.  The dark Thunder Bay soil, reasoned Stewart, led to exceptional wheat and rye.  The pure, clean spring waters of the North allowed him to create an especially potent single malt whisky.  In theory.  There were many sceptics in Thunder Bay, but just as many who were excited about the prospect of local whisky.  Stewart III had a spotty track record of wild theories, insane experiments, and the odd success amongst a sea of failures.  As he aged, he became more and more eccentric and experimental.  Now at the age of 90, rumours were that he was considering finally retiring.  Then he suddenly announced the opening of his long-awaited Thunder Bay distillery to the public, just as his first batch was ready.  Nobody could predict his moves.

Another announcement came just as winter was setting in Thunder Bay:  a wild contest, to win a guided tour of the grand opening of the distillery!  Stewart Distilleries dropped four invitations randomly over town.  Four lucky winners, and four guests, would get to taste the first whisky and see how it’s made.

In the middle of the night, the drones bearing one secret ticket each flew in separate directions over the darkened town, and dropped their treasures.

“You see this, buddy?” asked Deke to his best friend, Tee Bone.  Together they sat in a quiet cafe, enjoying the cold morning.  “That distillery is opening soon, and they dropped four tickets by drone over town for a special tour.  Think we should try looking?”

Tee Bone glanced at his friends’ newspaper and saw the story he was referring too.  His eyebrows raised in sudden interest.

“Really?  That’s pretty cool, actually,” said Tee Bone in surprise.  “I do love Scotch!…what are the odds of winning though?”

Deke scanned the newspaper for the info.  “Just four tickets for the whole town.  Each ticket holder gets to bring one guest.”‘

“Perfect!” exclaimed Tee Bone.  “Let’s go for a ride.”

The two friends finished their coffees and stepped outside the cafe, where Deke’s motorcycle awaited.  They donned their helmets and mounted the bike, Deke driving and Tee Bone on the back.  Strapped to Tee Bone’s body was his favourite red electric guitar, safely in a leather travel case, which he was rarely if ever separated from.  He had it with him today because he and Deke had planned to jam in Deke’s garage later on, but now they had other plans!  With a mighty roar, the bike zoomed down the street towards the forest by the old current river.

The day was starting to warm, but the two men had no luck searching for the special tickets.  They combed the forest, splitting up to cover more ground.  They agreed to meet back at the start by noon, and sure enough as the midday approached, Tee Bone and Deke met up where they started.

“Nothing eh?” asked Tee Bone.

“Nothing,” answered Deke.  “The newspaper said the tickets were bright red, so we know what we’re looking for at least.”

“Let’s not give up!” said Tee Bone.  “I really wanna win this.”

Though they were not discouraged, they certainly didn’t know where to try next.  Thunder Bay wasn’t terribly small.

“I got an idea,” said Deke.

The two men exited the hobby store with a brand new drone in hand.

“We’ll be able to see a red ticket sitting in white snow much more easily with this,” said Deke with confidence.  Tee Bone nodded in agreement.

“Did it have to be on my credit card though?” asked Tee.

“Well, you’re the real Scotch maniac, so my answer would be yes,” said Deke smugly.

Tee Bone sighed.  “Alright, well let’s get it in the air and see what we can see.”

Within the hour, Deke had surveilled the nearby neighborhood.  He began to guide the drone back to him so they could move on and try another area.  It was then that they spotted a flash of red caught by the drone’s camera eye.

“Wait!  Wait!  Go back!” shouted Tee Bone in excitement.  “I saw something on that rooftop!”

“You’re right man!” said Deke as he steered the drone to a rooftop they were standing directly under.  “It was up there the whole time!  It’s the secret ticket!”  At that exact moment, a giant black squirrel could be seen picking up the ticket in his mouth and running off with it.

“Oh, shit.” said Tee Bone.

The squirrel with the ticket jumped off the roof and darted over to a nearby tree.  The two men ran to the base of the tree.  The squirrel was several branches up, ticket firmly and brightly in his mouth.

“Can you climb?” asked Deke.

“At my age?” laughed Tee Bone.  He looked around for anything to use as a projectile.  There was nothing.

“I hate to do this, but I really want that ticket.  Can you go grab my distortion pedal from your bike’s side compartment?” asked Tee Bone.

“What for?” questioned Deke.  “You’re not going to try to throw it are you?”

“I’m going to try to throw it.”

“Jesus,” answered Deke as he ran back to the bike to get the distortion pedal.

Now Tee Bone had it in his right hand, and he was wound up ready to throw.  He aimed with a steely eye.  He could see the squirrel’s black glassy eye staring back at him, ticket still in mouth.

“Little rat bastard,” said Tee Bone as he launched the pedal at the squirrel.

He missed wildly, going way too high.  However, as the pedal hit an upper branch, it startled the animal which dropped the ticket and fled.  The pedal fell to the ground, broken but fulfilling its purpose.

“Yes!!!” said Tee Bone.  “A worthwhile exchange!  We’re going to the distillery buddy!”  Tee Bone hugged his best friend who was surprised at the sacrifice of the pedal for the ticket.  He scooped up the pedal’s remains and tossed it in his bike’s compartment.

“Well done, pal.  I didn’t think it would work.  Now let’s check out the details on the ticket.  The newspaper was light on details,” said Deke as he read the ticket aloud.

“To the finder of this ticket:  You are cordially invited by William W. Roderick Stewart III to the grand opening of Stewart Whisky Distilleries…” Deke stopped reading the ticket a moment.  “Dude, the tour is today!  We found this ticket just in time!  It’s two hours from now!”  He continued reading.  “It’s on the outskirts of town.  Let’s get on the bike and get there early.”

Tee Bone and Deke stood outside the distillery gates, guitar still strapped to Tee’s back.  It was starting to darken, and the sky threatened rain.  The two were not looking at the sky however, for before them stood what could only be called a castle.  A palace build of stone, with turrets and parapets.  It was huge, imposing, and strangely beautiful.  The two men just admired the building silently.

A few strangers began to arrive in pairs.  An elderly couple, a mother and daughter, and finally two men in sunglasses and crisp business suits arrived at the gates.

“Hey Deke,” said Tee Bone.  “Imagine owning this place.  Imagine the parties we could throw here.”

“No kidding eh?  That Stewart guy must be loaded.”

“Oh he is!” answered Tee Bone.  “He’s one of the top ten wealthiest men in the world.  But this must have cost him plenty.”

“I’ll say,” said Deke.

The gate creaked open with a loud squeal.  An old man and two attendants stood before them at the gate.  It was none other than William W. Roderick Stewart III himself!  A man with his money would be expected to be wearing the fanciest of designer suits, but no, he stood before them in little more than sneakers, jeans and a Led Zeppelin T-shirt, topped by a leather jacket.

“Welcome!  Welcome to my home, you lucky lucky winners!  Welcome to Stewart Whisky Distilleries, and my personal residence!”

“Wait a minute,” asked Deke.  “You live here?”

The old man laughed and smiled.  “Of course my boy!  It’s fully furnished with guest rooms, kitchens, laundry, all the accoutrements!”  He leaned in close and nudged Deke in the side.  “I have to live here; do you know what this place cost?”  Deke chuckled in response.

“Please, come in!” he welcomed all the guests.  He spied Tee Bone’s guitar on his back and smiled.  “I like this one!” he said pointing to Tee.  The elderly couple went in first, followed by the mother and daughter, and Tee Bone and Deke.  The old man held out his hand and stopped the two men in suits.

“Stop,” he said firmly.  He got directly into the suits’ faces, and sneered.  “These two are not welcome here.  Get the hell out!”

“What’s the problem, old man?” snickered the first suit.  “Getting too senile to remember that we had a ticket and are entitled to this tour?”

“You can stop with your condescension for one thing, son,” said the old man in response.  “I know who you are.  You were sent here by MegaScotch Corp. weren’t you?  Trying to steal my secrets again aren’t you?  I’m not so old that I don’t recognize you.”  Stewart gestured to his two attendants.  “Eject these men, please and thank you.”  The two attendants gruffly and firmly escorted the suits out the front gate and locked it behind them.

“I apologize,” said Stewart to the guests.  “You must understand, competition is fierce.  What I am doing here is completely new, never attempted before!  You’ll see.  Please, join me.  Through these doors, please.”

A massive pair of stainless steel doors stood before them.  Stewart opened them with a wave of a hand, and they slid open with hardly a sound.  “Come in!” he gestured.

Tee Bone and Deke gasped at the sight before them, a huge distillery, with massive shining vats full of whisky goodness.  Pipes and tanks were closely monitored by numerous technicians in lab coats.  They scurried around like mice, attending their various tasks, keeping watch over the many dials, consoles, gauges and monitors.

“This is where the magic happens!” said Stewart.  “Technology is the future and our business must adapt!  Here within these walls I have created innovative, radical, unprecedented formulas that will eventually take Scotch to new levels.  Would you like a wee dram?”  All the guests nodded eagerly.  Stewart made a gesture, and soon an attendant was at his side with a cart, bearing seven glasses of whisky.

“This is my newest formula, going to market next week,” announced Stewart with pride.  He and the six guests each hoisted a glass.  “Slainte!” he cheered as they downed their shots.

“Wow!” gasped Tee Bone with surprise and a little bit of burning pain in his throat.  “That’s some whisky!  I can see why those guys were trying to get in here,” said Tee Bone.  A nice buzz was setting in already.  “This stuff is great.  I’ll be buying a case next week for sure!”

“Perhaps you won’t need to buy it,” said the old man slyly, “but we’ll see.”  Tee Bone gave the man a questioning stare.

“Excuse me, Mr. Stewart?” asked the mother in attendance.  “But what’s that?”  She pointed to another pair of stainless steel doors with the universal symbol for radiation painted in bright yellow upon them.

“What’s that?” answered the eccentric old man.  “That is the future!”

“Is this dangerous?” asked the woman with more concern.  “Are we being exposed to radiation right now?”

The old man hemmed and hawed but took his time answering.  He shrugged.  “No.  Maybe a little.”

“A little?  How much is a little?” she asked, becoming more and more serious.

“Those walls are lined with three feet of lead and seven more feet of reinforced concrete.  Don’t worry about radiation.  Look at me!  I’m perfectly fine!  And I live here!”  A bead of sweat rolled down his nose.

The woman put down her glass.  “You know what, this has been fun, lotsa luck, we’re gone.  Come on, we’re leaving!” she said to her daughter.  An attendant escorted them out.

“I think we’re done too,” said the elderly couple.  “Thanks for the drink.”  Another attendant showed them to the door.

The old billionaire harrumphed.  “How about you two?” he asked Tee Bone and Deke.  “You scared too?”

They looked back at each other and shrugged.

“Nah, we’re good, let’s finish the tour,” said Tee Bone.

“Fearless!” said the old man in approval.  “Just the kind of man I’m looking for.”

“Ah. OK,” answered Tee Bone with a slightly worried tone.  “What’s going on here?  You’ve been acting weird towards me ever since I walked through those gates.  You wanna explain?”

The old man paused a moment.  “Come with me to my office.  Let’s jam,” he invited.

“Jam?” asked Deke.  “What do you mean jam?”

“Well, this Led Zeppelin shirt isn’t just for show you know.  I used to be young like you.  I was there at Olympic Studios, watching them record just after they changed their name from the New Yardbirds.”  The old man paused, considering his next words very carefully.  “In fact, it’s quite possible you were there too.”

“I was just an infant,” answered Tee Bone, “I appreciate that we both like good rock music.  However I’d prefer some answers over a jam session.”

The old man motioned them to follow him.  “You brought a guitar, you must want to jam.  Come upstairs.  You need to see what I have in my office.  You’re going to love it.  Trust me!  Come with me, please.  All your questions will be answered soon.”

The two friends shrugged and followed the old man up a staircase to a large second floor office.

“I refuse to take elevators,” said the old man.  “Keeps me in shape!  Please, come in!”  He opened a door to a lavish office.  The glass walls offered a perfect view of the distillery below.  On the opposite wall was something else entirely.  The two friends gasped!  They had never seen anything like what stood before them now.  Adorning the entire wall was an array of amplifiers.  Tee Bone grinned sheepishly, took the guitar off his back and unzipped the case.

“Wow!” he said unable to find better words.  “I had no idea you were this serious about music.”  He admired the wall of amps.  “All Marshalls.  Highly modified though.  I…I can’t quite identify all the electronics here.  What have you done to the amps?”

“Be my guest, plug in, give it a try!”  Stewart handed him a cord, which Tee Bone plugged in with a loud buzz.  He was taken aback at the sheer power he now held in his hands.  He hit a power chord and was nearly knocked flat off his feet.  He loosened up with a Van Halen riff:  “Runnin’ With the Devil”.  He smiled as he enjoyed the rich tone blasting him back in his face.  He attempted some two handed tapping.  Then some clean picking.  Everything he attempted sounded great!

“I don’t know what you’ve done here, but the tone is so warm, so clean, and so powerful!” he yelled over the sound of his guitar.

“That’s the nuclear power you’re hearing!” answered Stewart.

Tee Bone’s mouth dropped open.  “Nuclear?” he asked.  “This sucker’s powered by nuclear?”

“Yes, of course my boy!  They’re 100% nuclear.  What do you think I’m brewing here?  The future!  And the future is nuclear!  Soon I’ll be presenting to the world the first whisky brewed by nuclear distillation!  The excess power from the reactor powers my whole amplifier rig!  It will change the way we record rock music.  In 10 years there won’t be a guitarist in the world without a miniature nuclear-powered amp in his gear.  Wait until you hear the sustain you can get with it!”

Tee Bone put down his guitar.  “OK, this is getting really weird.  I’m not sure how comfortable I am anymore.”  Deke nodded in agreement.  “The fact that you built a nuclear reactor in your home to brew whisky and power your amplifiers is beyond eccentric and borders on psychotic.”

The old man sighed.  There was a long silence as he looked down at his desk.  “It’s time I come clean,” said the old man, dropping his excitable persona and taking on a dark, serious tone.  “I’m sorry I have misled you, Tee Bone,” he said grimly.

“I never told you my name,” said Tee Bone with concern.

“I know you haven’t.  Neither has Deke.  I’ve been watching you two a long time.”  He took a deep breath, and sighed. “I planted that ticket on the roof,” he confessed.  “The other three tickets were found legitimately by the other winners.  I tracked you down, and planted your ticket where you could find it.  Boys, I want you to take over this place.”

“What?” Deke and Tee Bone simultaneously shouted.  “Us?  Why us?  We don’t know anything about distilling single malt whisky.  We just know about drinking it,” said Tee Bone.

The old man grinned a huge grin.  “This isn’t about the whisky.  I can teach you that.  What I can’t teach you is heart.  And you boys have heart.  I’ve watched you two for years.  I’ve…even seen a glimpse of your futures.  You are the right men for the job.  I know it in my soul.  Tee Bone and Deke, I want you to take my place.”

The two sat in the office, stunned.  “I don’t know what to say,” answered Tee Bone.

“Just say yes!” smiled the old man.

As Deke was about to open his mouth with another question, an alarm sounded.  Red lights began to flash all around the distillery.  Attendants and technicians ran away from their stations.

“Oh no,” said the old man.  “MegaScotch Corp. are back.”

An explosion rocked the distillery.  Smoke.  Rubble.  Sirens.  The sprinkler system sprung into action.  Glass shattered.  Tee Bone, Deke and Stewart were thrown from their second floor vantage point.  The three landed in a vat of whisky, marked by the universal symbol for radiation.  The three men floated in it, helplessly doomed to drown.  Stunned by the explosion, they bobbed in the vat, while smoke streamed overhead.  Stewart was bleeding from an impact to the head.  Deke was stunned unconscious.  Tee Bone was knocked out but still holding onto his guitar, which miraculously was still plugged into the nuclear amplifiers.  A second explosion rocked the castle and a jolt of nuclear energy blew out the wall of amps above.  Without warning, atomic nuclei flowed through the cable into Tee Bone’s guitar.  Zapped awake, the man screamed in pain.  But the pain was soon met and overpowered by another feeling: that of growing strength.  The energy flowed into the guitar, through his fingers and into his blood.  Like alchemy, the nuclear powered amps reacted with the whisky, amplifying its power beyond measure.  This power flowed unchecked into Tee Bone’s heart, his liver, his lungs, his brain, his every organ.  He became like a living dynamo.  He began to float, not just in the whisky, but above, into the air!

“What…is…happening?” asked Tee Bone, but no one could answer.  As electricity jolted from the guitar to his fingers, he saw that he was now hanging in mid air over the vat.  Deke and Stewart didn’t have much time left.

By pure instinct and nothing more, Tee Bone floated down to his friend and the eccentric madman who had caused this in the first place.  Lifting with all his might, he carried the two men and flew through a hole in ceiling, outside to safety.  Deke blinked awake.  Stewart lay wounded, bleeding.

“What the hell just happened?” asked Deke to Tee Bone.  “Dude…you’re glowing.  Like literally glowing.”

Tee Bone looked down at his hands and they were indeed glowing, as little bolts of electricity darted from one finger to another.

“I’m fine.  Stay here.  I gotta find the MegaCorp guys who did this!  Take care of Stewart!”

Deke cradled the old man in his arms as Tee Bone launched himself in the air.

“I can flyyyyyyyyyyyyy!” he screamed as he soared.  From up high he saw the two men in the suits running away from the scene of their sabotage.  They weren’t going to get away with it.  Not if Tee Bone had anything to say about it.

Tee Bone found that flying was as instinctive as walking.  He climbed, and dove upon the two suits.

“Let’s try something,” said Tee Bone with guitar still in hand.  He pulled a pick from his jeans pocket and lined his fingers up for a perfect power chord.  He aimed his axe at the fleeing men, and strummed.  A stream of Scotch-powered energy blasted from his guitar directly at his targets.  The blast knocked one of them right off his feet.  The other kept running.

“Not so fast!” commanded Tee Bone from the air.  “You been Thunderstruck!”  A second chord, even more powerful this time, created a crater where the second man once stood.  He was thrown against a tree and knocked cold by the sheer power.

“Wow,” said Tee Bone.  “Talk about a gear upgrade!”  He turned and swiftly flew back to his friend and the old man.

Deke sat on the ground attending to the fallen Stewart.

“What the hell man?” asked Deke to his best friend.  “You can…fly now?”

“Apparently,” answered Tee Bone, as he successfully attempted his first landing; a little stiff but not bad.  “Can’t you fly?”

Deke lay Stewart down on the ground, stood up and stretched his arms skyward, and jumped.  “Nope.  I got zilch.  How come you can fly and I can’t?”

“I honestly don’t know man, I was knocked out too!  How’s the old man?”

Stewart was awake now, but seriously wounded.  “I’m fine,” he answered.  “Better than ever, right as rain!”  He coughed up blood.  “Well, that’s a lie…I’m dying boys.  But I’m OK with that.  I wanted you two to run my business for me.  Yet I see something even more remarkable has happened.  Just as I knew!  My distillery is destroyed.  The nuclear reactor…ruined.  But the castle walls remain intact.  Strong, they were designed to be impenetrable!  I had many enemies.  Too many spies and saboteurs and the like, after my secrets.  Now you two will guard them.  All my technology.  All my advancements…I pass them on to you now, Tee Bone and Deke.”

The old man coughed up more blood.

“Easy Stewart,” said Deke in a calming voice.  “Paramedics are on their way, just hang in there, don’t try to speak.”

“No!” sputtered the old madman.  “No…this is too important, you must listen to me.  The legal documents are all drafted, in your email and waiting for you to sign.  I’m passing this castle…my palace, my home…and all it contains, onto you.”  He turned to look at Deke.  “I sense great potential in you Deke.  Super potential.  Find all my technology inside my vaults.  My designs.  Learn from them.  Use them.  Create mighty weapons to defend yourselves.  Guide Tee Bone.  He serves a higher purpose now.”  He coughed, knowing his end was near, but determined to say what he needed to say.  “Tee Bone, you have been granted great power, and you must use it wisely.  I can see your heart.  It is a heart of rock.  You must defend rock and roll from the forces of evil.  I know they are coming.  They will sense your power, and they will seek you out too.  You must not allow them to win.  This isn’t about Scotch anymore, this is about you and your potential.  You can do great things.  You can save the world.  Tee Bone…”  The old man went into a coughing fit.  “You can save rock and roll.”  The two tried to comfort him, but the paramedics were still far and time was short.

The old man sat up one last time.

“Tee Bone…Deke…there are more things in Heaven and Earth, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.  They will be coming.  You…must…be prepared…for…the Devil…is in…the details.”

With a gasp, the old man passed into another world.  Tee Bone and Deke cradled his body.  Tee Bone shed a tear.  He would never be the same again after this day.

Six months later.

Together, and with the help of all the remarkable technology they had discovered in Stewart’s archives, the castle had been restored.  The old distillery was gone.  The reactor dismantled.  In its place, the two had designed a rock solid base of operations.  Deke had converted the reactor room to a killer garage, for his bike and racks upon racks of storage, waiting for new gadgets for him to invent.  He’d been studying the old man’s tech for half a year now, and had some pretty innovative ideas of his own.

In the living room of the castle, Deke had finished setting up the brand new stereo.

“It was awful nice of Paul from PS Audio to send us these FR-30 loudspeakers.  You know how much they cost?  $30 grand a pair, man.  That’s US dollars.  Not including the shipping.”

“Well, I did save him from a Sasquatch,” answered Tee Bone.  “He did kinda owe us.  I didn’t even know they had Sasquatches down there in Colorado.  Are you ready to give them a trial run?” asked Tee Bone as he pushed a couch into position, across from Deke’s armchair.

“I think so,” said Deke.  “I just need you to pick an album to listen to first!”

Tee Bone smiled and leafed through the record racks.  “I know exactly the one.  It just came from Amazon last week.  I thought, considering recent events in our lives, I’d go with a super hero theme.  Put on LP one, side two, track two, if you will!”

Deke looked at the sleeve and grinned.  “Good pick man!”  He removed the Iron Man 2 soundtrack LP from its sleeve and dropped the needle on track two.  The scream of AC/DC’s Brian Johnson flooded the room with the best audio the two men had ever heard in their lives.

“I was caught, In the middle of a railroad track!  Thunder!” sang Johnson and AC/DC.  The FR-30 speakers filled the room with sound, as if the band was right there in the room with them.  Just as Paul McGowan had promised, it was the best sound either man had ever heard.

“Holy shit!” mouthed Tee Bone to Deke silently.

“You been…Thunderstruck!” screamed Johnson as the two men rocked and rolled to the music.  Tee Bone began to dance across the room.  With a hoot, he kicked off his socks, which landed somewhere over by the LP rack.

“This is awesome!” said Deke.  “I can’t believe this all happened because we fell into a vat of radioactive hooch!”

“But don’t forget, Deke,” cautioned Tee Bone, “With great rock, comes great responsibility.”  Deke nodded in understanding.

“I was thinking of starting to wear a cape,” said Tee Bone.  “Maybe come up with a superhero name.  How does ‘Tee Bone Man’ sound?” he asked.

Deke gave it the thumbs down and made a farting noise with his mouth.  “Lame!”

“Oh, like it’s worse than ‘Superdekes’?  Just for that, I’m wearing a cape next time.” guffawed Tee Bone Man.

“Whatever!” said Superdekes.  “Listen man, get the Scotch, we have to do something.”  Tee Bone went over to the bar and grabbed the finest bottle of Scotch he owned.  It was a bottle of 2018 Stewart brand Scotch.  Tee Bone smiled in memory of the crazy old man who made all this possible, as he poured two wee drams.  He handed Deke his glass.

Superdekes stood up straight.  “This is for you, Stewart,” he said as he raised his glass.  He looked around and then announced, “I hereby dub this castle ‘Deke’s Palace’!”

Tee Bone was about to drink, but then put his glass down.  “Hey!  I thought we agreed on ‘Tee Bone’s Pad & Scotch Emporium’?”

“Nope!  Too late, I called it!  Welcome to Deke’s Palace buddy!”

The two men smiled and hugged.  At that exact moment, the record began skipping.  “Thunder…thunder…thunder…” skipped Johnson.

Both heroes knew what that meant.  Superdekes sprang into action.  “Danger vibes coming through on the turntable!” said Dekes.  “Time to rock!  Let’s suit up.”  He grabbed a black motorcycle helmet from the wall.

“Sasquatch sighting again?” said Tee Bone Man as he strapped a black Van Halen mask to his face, and put on a fresh pair of socks.

“Looks like it,” answered Deke, checking a scanner he kept strapped on his utility belt.

“Alright, let’s fly!” commanded Tee Bone Man.  “Oh wait…you can’t,” he snickered in mischief.

“Yeah yeah,” said Deke.  “Hah hah.  I’ll be on my bike, meet me at these exact coordinates.”  He showed Tee Bone the location on the screen.

“Let’s rock!” screamed Tee Bone Man as he launched himself through a window.  Superdekes was not far behind on his motorcycle and with a backpack packed full of new gadgets.  Both men knew that this was their lives now:  saving people, stopping bad guys, saving rock and roll, and hopefully having a good time doing it.

For the Adventures of Tee Bone Man and Superdekes were only beginning!

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE

Chapter Zero:  Tee Bone Man – Origins (by LeBrain)

Chapter One: A Friend in Need (by LeBrain)

Chapter Two: Hell Freezes Over (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Three: Hell Ain’t A Bad Place to Be (by LeBrain)

Chapter Four: Tee Bone Man and the Rink of…Doom? (by Aaron KMA)

Chapter Five: The Super Duper Vault (by John T. Snow)

Chapter Six: Tee Bone Man Goes to Camp (by LeBrain)

Chapter Seven:  The Revenge of Common Knowledge (by LeBrain)

Chapter Eight:  Tee Bone & Deke’s Time Travelling Adventure (by 80sMetalMan)

Chapter Nine:  Castle Communications (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Ten:  The Case of the Lost Iron Maiden Socks (by LeBrain)

Chapter Eleven:  A Tee Bone Man Christmas (by all five of us)

Chapter Twelve:  Lost In Space (by John T. Snow)

Chapter Thirteen:  Clip Show (by LeBrain)

THE EXTENDED LEBRAINIVERSE

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie vs. Tommy Lee in the Bouncy Castle of Doom! (By LeBrain)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie and the Quest for the Lost Lego (By LeBrain with Harrison Kopp)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation (By LeBrain)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation Part 2 (By LeBrain) Coming Soon

The Writer’s Room: Chapter One

The Writer’s Room:  It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like a Tee Bone Man Christmas

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN CHAPTER XIII:  A TEE BONE MAN CLIP SHOW

Incognito!  Without his mask, nobody recognized the superhero named Tee Bone Man browsing the vinyl at the record store.  And without his helmet, nobody knew it was Superdekes himself currently working his way through the rock section.  There he was, in the flesh, studiously looking for Kiss bootlegs.  Vinyl only.  Superdekes doesn’t do CD.

“Hey Deke, check this out!” said Tee Bone in his civvies, next to Superdekes in the H section.  “Helix!  Does this remind you of anybody?”

Deke grabbed the Helix record from his friend’s hands.  “Yeah!  Southern Ontario rock!  Breakin’ Loose!  You know who really liked this album?  That Brainiac guy from down south, remember him?”  Tee Bone nodded in the affirmative with a heartfelt smile.

Just as Deke held the record, a store clerk could be heard shouting, “Hey, we’re all out of Helix!” to the manager in the back.

“I remember those guys…Brainiac gave us that sweet Lego Deke’s Motorcycle for Christmas!” said Deke as he gazed upon the vinyl.  “I’m gonna get this one.  Brainiac says it’s their best album.”

Tee Bone continued to flip.  “Yeah, but he also puts Black Sabbath’s Born Again as his favourite album of all time, so take everything he says about music with a grain of salt,” reminded Tee Bone.  “Still, I sure am glad we saved those guys from a Sasquatch last year!  Solid group of fellas, those Southern Ontario guys.  ‘Sausagefesters’ is what they called their group.  Not sure what that means.”

“Not sure I wanna know,” answered Deke.  “That was so early in our adventures!” he reminisced.  “You had just started wearing a cape, against my advice, and I didn’t even have a flying motorcycle yet.  The paint was still fresh at Deke’s Palace.”

“Back when you were still bitching that I could fly, but you couldn’t!” laughed Tee Bone.

Deke harumphed.  “I still don’t understand how that happened,” said Deke.

“Now’s not the time for origin stories,” shushed Tee Bone.  “Let’s get back to looking at the records.”

Deke had shuffled over to the A section so an old man could pass by.  He spied from the corner of his eye, AC/DC.  “Hey Tee…AC/DC’s Iron Man 2 soundtrack.  First record we ever played at Deke’s Palace, if you wanna talk about origin stories!”

Tee Bone smiled at the memory.  The first song ever played at the Palace!  He remembered so clearly.  But then another memory came to mind.  “You know what AC/DC really reminds me of?” he asked.  “Australia!”

Deke laughed.  “Oh yeah!  Not that I got see much of it,” he remembered.  “You met that Harrison guy down there, El Moustachio.  That was the time we had to stop earthquakes that were tearing the planet apart.  He helped you find an actual highway to hell and a vehicle hardy enough to handle it!  But I missed that part since I can’t fly…”

“Oh you shush,” chided Tee Bone.  “You finished your flying motorcycle and joined us just in time,” he reminded his friend.  “It was Highway To Hell that was the key album to the whole affair,” he remembered as he grabbed the album from the racks.  “Original Albert productions edition.  Hah!  Little did we expect to run into the great Satan himself at the end of it all!”

“Yeah,” laughed Deke.  “What a knob he is!”

“Total dickhead!” responded Tee Bone.  “And he can’t even hold his liquor!  But that Harrison really proved his mettle down there.  He stood right up to that big red douche canoe.”  He paused.  “Satan seems to have become a bit of a recurring villain in our story, hey Deke?”

“Unfortunately!” answered Superdekes.  “But it all worked out in the end, we saved the world, and Harrison joined Team Tee Bone didn’t he?”

“Pretty much!” answered Tee who had wandered over to compilations.  “Well ho-leee shit!  Would you look at this!” he exclaimed and nudged his best friend, at the record he had just found.  “How rare is this?”

Deke lowered his glasses to better see this record that got his pal so excited.  “Wow!  1972, the official Hockey Night in Canada album.  First ever release of ‘The Hockey Theme’.  Rare, but not holy grail rare,” answered Deke.  “I’ll bet you know what this reminds me of!”

“Hah!” laughed Tee Bone.  “Brad Marchand!  The Rink of Doom!”  Talk about a douche…”

“That guy was more of a big rat,” answered Deke.

“An attention hog!” laughed Tee Bone.  “He went to great lengths to set up a trap for us, try to kill us, and make it appear that it was all just a dream, as some kind of joke?”

“Too many Batman comics,” deadpanned Deke.  “That was one celebrity I did not enjoy meeting,” he sighed.  “But we hardly had a break!  Immediately after getting home from hell, Marchand pulled his shenanigans.  Then right after the Bruins game that followed, that idiot Snowman caught Satan’s attention.”  Deke made his way back to the Kiss section and pulled out Gene Simmons’ 1978 solo album.

Deke began to recall the circumstances.  “Snowman really did it to himself by buying that Gene Simmons Super Duper Vault box set.  He had to build a second house just to store it!  666 CDs of unreleased Simmons songs.  Who the hell would want that?”

“Who the hell indeed!” laughed Tee Bone.  “Our truce with Lucifer didn’t last long, and he sent those Knights In Satan’s Service to kill the Snowman and take the box set.”

“Except he called us!” shouted Deke.  “As if we’re his own personal security service!  And then the box set sucked so bad, Satan left in a huff as if nothing had happened!”

Tee Bone recalled, “He even showed up for a party at my Campground afterwards.  We nicknamed it Devil’s Deck from that point on…”  Tee Bone walked over to the C section and grabbed a copy of the debut Coney Hatch record.  “Take all you got!  Hell’s so hot!” he quoted as he admired the stunning artwork.  The lines were hypnotic.  The colours so deep.  His eyes began to turn glassy as he stared.  His left hand began to quiver.  “Devil’s Deck…Camp…that goddamned rodent…”  The Coney Hatch record dropped to the ground as Tee Bone began to shake.  He placed a hand on the record shelving to steady himself.

He began talking to himself as he stood there shaking.  “Camp…the squirrel ‘squee-ing’ all day and night…I’ll never tell Deke what really happened at Camp,” as if Deke wasn’t there with him.

Deke handed his friend a cold bottle of water, which Tee Bone grabbed and drank thirstily.  “Thanks Deke…sorry about that.  Just a dizzy spell, nothing to worry about.”

“You were talking about Camp and then started shaking!” responded Deke.  He decided to get straight with his best friend.  “Are you ever going to tell me what really happened at Camp?”  All Deke knew was that Tee Bone needed a break after all that non-stop action, and so decided to take a week off at his Camp.  Shortly thereafter, Deke discovered that one of his expensive rockets was fired from Camp to Australia, and that Tee Bone had not been the same since then.  He was jittery, irritable and prone to episodes such as the one we just witnessed.

“I already told you, I got a sunburn,” evaded Tee Bone.  “That can have an effect on people,” he rationalized.

“…Yeah but not half a year later…” Deke mumbled.  “Anyway,” he said aloud, “Let’s keep looking for vinyl.  Can you check Motley Crue for me?  I still want an original Leathur Records copy of Too Fast For Love.”

Tee Bone shuffled over to the M section and chuckled.  “Oooh…I got something better for you than that!”  He pulled a record from the M’s.  “Don’t you still need Lean Into It by Mr. Big?”

Deke took the record out of his friend’s hands and stuffed it into the miscellaneous M’s.  “That friggin’ guy…” he mumbled.

“Your arch nemesis, Common Knowledge, considered by some to be the greatest bassist alive today,” chided Tee Bone.

“Yeah well Geddy Lee might have something to say about that,” retorted Deke.  “Besides, I remain undefeated and I took him down that time single-handed.  Didn’t need your help, fly boy!”

Tee Bone laughed, “You sure didn’t!  Yep, I would say you soundly humbled him that time.  Not to mention you really upped your game as far as your tech and gadgets go.”

“True, I am a genius,” laughed Deke.  “Unlike that prick Common Knowledge!”

Right next to the M section, Tee Bone spied a copy of Led Zeppelin I.  Gazing at the aged vintage copy from 1969, Tee Bone gasped at the price tag.  “Jesus!  This sure didn’t cost this much in 1969!”  Deke’s jaw dropped as he leaned into it to look.

“And we’d know, since we were there!” he answered.

“Right you are!” said Tee Bone.  “Hard to believe we saved all of heavy metal in our time travelling adventure.  Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath, Aerosmith…all in their primes!”

“Not to mention meeting the ghosts of Dio, Lemmy, Bonham and Hanneman!” exclaimed Deke.  “That has to be one of our coolest adventures to date, don’t you think?” asked the superhero.

“Oh, absolutely,” agreed Tee Bone.  “Top three for sure.  I mean, you cannot understate the importance of what we did.  This wasn’t just saving some rich guy’s Gene Simmons Vault.”, he spat.  “This was saving all of heavy metal for all time!  That Suplee character really had a stick up his ass about good music,” concluded Tee Bone.  “Although we do owe a huge debt to the MetalMan for the assist on that one.  It may even tie into our origin story somehow, if you sidestep the causality loops.”

Deke scratched his head.  “Maybe we can buy this sweet ‘Black Night’ single by Deep Purple for the MetalMan?” asked Deke.

“Hey, that’s a cool record,” said Tee Bone as he checked out the picture sleeve.  “‘Black Night’…talk about epic adventures!  You know the one I’m talking about!”

“Oh, that’s right!  The castle,” said Deke.  “You lost your guitar on that mission.”

“True,” remembered Tee Bone, “But I’ll find a new weapon one day.”

“This was another one of our encounters with Satan and El Moustachio,” said Deke as he looked at the record.  He made room for another shopper who was passing by.

“Great adventure, that was,” said the passing customer.  “Lots of good word play in that one.”  He slipped off into the jazz aisle.

“Word play?  What’s he talking about?” asked Tee Bone.  “Did he recognize us?”

Deke shrugged.  “I dunno, but put on your sunglasses and keep your head down a bit,” he advised.

Tee Bone did as advised and moved to another section of the record store.  Now over by the box sets, there was less of a crowd.  Only those with plenty of liquid currency could afford the treasures behind the glass doors.  And there sat a first run Iron Maiden Eddie’s Archive box set, mint and complete.

“Would you look at that!” exclaimed Deke.  “I know it’s CD, but that’s still a beauty Maiden item right there.  Fortunately I got the Beast Over Hammersmith with my deluxe Number of the Beast vinyl.”

“I’ll bet you can guess what this reminds me of!” laughed Tee Bone.  “Maiden socks!”

Deke laughed.  “Of all the weird things we have encountered, a pair of cursed Iron Maiden socks seemed the least likely!  But then again we’ve run into a lot of weird stuff over the last year.  We could have avoided that whole ordeal if we just listened to that Aaron fellow from Southern Ontario.”

“Yep,” said Tee Bone.  “Lesson learned.  But at least we got to see him and thank him at Christmas.”

“That we did!” smiled Deke.  Man, we had a great Christmas this year.  And you have to admit, that Snowman guy really paid us back for the hard work we did on his behalf.  That Frankenstrat…the Mr. Big songwriting royalties…he’s a generous guy even if he is an idiot.”  Deke spied a vinyl copy of “The 12 Days of Christmas” by Bob and Doug McKenzie behind the glass.  “Nice collectable.  I’ll take it.”

Tee Bone smacked his head.  “I can’t believe that Snowman paid Gene Simmons to promote his WordPress post about the Simmons soda…which was a promotion for Gene Simmons in the first place!”

“Like I said, what an idiot!” laughed Deke.  “And then we had to rescue him from Mars!”

“That was honestly pretty sweet,” said Tee Bone.  “I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you about that secret hangar we built, with functional X-Wing and TIE Advanced fighters on standby.  It was a need-to-know kind of thing, until you needed to know.”

“No worries man,” said Deke as he patted his pal on the back.  “I can’t believe I have my very own X-Wing fighter now!” he gleamed.

“Is that a decided thing??” asked Tee Bone.  “So like, I never get to fly the X-Wing?  I always have to fly the TIE?” he questioned.

“I guess we’ll see!” teased Deke.  “I’m going to get this record,” as he pointed to a vintage John Williams Close Encounters of the Third Kind soundtrack.  Deke motioned to a clerk to retrieve the record from behind the glass.  “Not for my collection,” clarified Deke to Tee Bone.  “I know a couple guys in Southern Ontario who’ll be fighting over this baby.”

“Why not send it to Snowman for his growing collection of Richard Dreyfuss memorabilia?” laughed Tee Bone.  The two friends made their way to the checkout counter.  “In fact, he’s paying for it anyway.”  Tee Bone removed a credit card from his wallet.

“Isn’t that the key to the X-Wing hanger?” Deke asked of the card.

“Not this one, no,” answered Tee Bone.  “This is Snowman’s actual credit card.  It fell out of his pants when he was buried on Mars.  And this shopping trip is his payment for us having to save his butt again!”

Deke laughed some more.  “I won’t say a word!”  He grabbed a few magazines from the rack to add to the Snowman’s generosity.  A Classic Rock retrospective on Neil Peart, a Rolling Stone expose on Tommy Lee being abducted by aliens, and a Metal Edge featuring a hot new all-female Van Halen tribute band out of California.

After paying, the two men stepped out into the crisp Thunder Bay air.

“Great record store!” cheered Deke.  “Remember when this place used to sell drones and remote control cars?  I’m sure glad they closed and this record store opened.”

“Me too,” agreed Tee Bone, “Though even that brings us right back to our origin story, doesn’t it?  Now let’s go have a Scotch back at the Palace.  I got a bottle of Stewart’s I’ve been saving since the day I got my super powers.”

“Are we ever going to learn how you got your powers and I didn’t?” asked Deke as he sat on his flying motorcycle.

Tee Bone exposed his cape from under his winter jacket and prepared to fly.  He winked.

“Yes!” he answered simply as he took to the skies one more time.

NEXT TIME:  You’ve waited a whole year…it’s time for TEE BONE MAN…ORIGINS!

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE

Chapter Zero:  Tee Bone Man – Origins (by LeBrain) Coming March 2023

Chapter One: A Friend in Need (by LeBrain)

Chapter Two: Hell Freezes Over (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Three: Hell Ain’t A Bad Place to Be (by LeBrain)

Chapter Four: Tee Bone Man and the Rink of…Doom? (by Aaron KMA)

Chapter Five: The Super Duper Vault (by John Snow)

Chapter Six: Tee Bone Man Goes to Camp (by LeBrain)

Chapter Seven:  The Revenge of Common Knowledge (by LeBrain)

Chapter Eight:  Tee Bone & Deke’s Time Travelling Adventure (by 80sMetalMan)

Chapter Nine:  Castle Communications (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Ten:  The Case of the Lost Iron Maiden Socks (by LeBrain)

Chapter Eleven:  A Tee Bone Man Christmas (by all five of us)

Chapter Twelve:  Lost In Space (by John T. Snow)

Chapter Thirteen:  Clip Show (by LeBrain)

THE EXTENDED LEBRAINIVERSE

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie vs. Tommy Lee in the Bouncy Castle of Doom! (By LeBrain)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie and the Quest for the Lost Lego (By LeBrain with Harrison Kopp)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation (By LeBrain)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation Part 2 (By LeBrain) Coming Soon

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie Van Heelin’s Winter Vacation (By LeBrain and California Girl) Coming this spring/summer

The Writer’s Room: Chapter One

The Writer’s Room:  It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like a Tee Bone Man Christmas

We’ve been teasing this one since August.  The long-awaited new Space chapter by John T. Snow of 2loud2oldmusic!

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN CHAPTER XII:  LOST IN SPACE

Thunder Bay:  the dead of winter.  A blizzard is roaring strong, and the Great White North is living up to its name.  The lair door at Deke’s Palace slams open, and the cold and the snow comes rushing in.  As do Tee Bone Man and Superdekes, exhausted from another superhero save.  This time it was an easy one:  a moose was on the loose inside a liquor store. No way were Tee Bone Man and Superdekes going to let a moose destroy any whiskey or scotch…or heck, any alcoholic beverage that they could one day consume.  They each plop down on the couch and open a brand new bottle of their favourite beverage.  Gifts from the store owner as a thank-you for their assistance.  The two heroes kick back.

Superdekes exclaimed, “Damn, that was sure fun. I didn’t know you could ride a moose, Tee Bone”.

Tee Bone admitted the truth.  “I don’t!  That dang creature picked me up by the horns and threw me on his back. I just went along for the ride. I can’t believe I lasted a full eight seconds.  Maybe I should take up bull riding.”

“Well, you are good at slinging bull…well, you know, I don’t think that qualifies you!” laughed Superdekes.

After only a few minutes of drinking, the buzz started building and they started reminiscing about their most awesome adventures, from Sasquatch, to Satan, to time travel.

Tee Bone even thought momentarily about that damn squirrel, but he didn’t bring that one up to Superdekes, preferring to let it burrow silent trauma deep within his psyche.  That would be better in the long run, he reasoned.

Superdekes asked Tee Bone, “Hey, remember that idiot that had a Snowman army?  You know, the guy that looked like Richard Dreyfuss.  What a doofus, but man does he give generous Christmas gifts!”  Deke was looking at the statement he received for his share of Mr. Big’s earnings, courtesy of a coerced Billy Sheehan and facilitated by the Snowman.

“Of course I remember him.  The Snowman!  He gave me the original Frankenstrat.  I wonder what kind of trouble he is getting into these days…” Tee Bone pondered as his phone began to ring.

“There it is,” said Deke dryly.

Previously that day, in a bright and sunny California, The Snowman was sitting in dingy booth inside a greasy pit of a diner…his favourite sort of place.  He liked to mix with the riff raff.  Snowman couldn’t find a Waffle House, so this would have to do.  It was another glorious day in Los Angeles. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect and the Snowman was getting ready to negotiate a deal with Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley to buy “The Warehouse”:  the Kiss Warehouse, full of everything Kiss from over the years loaded with costumers, to guitars, to drums and stage equipment, to name a few things.  It was his dream to own it, and since he had more money than sense…he was ready to fulfil that dream.

The waitress approached. She was smoking hot.  Snowman gazed at her tight short skirt, and open blouse with enough cleavage showing to satisfy any man or woman and to generate nice big tips.  Her hair was golden and sunkissed just right.  She was probably an actress, as all waiters and waitresses in L.A. were.  She smiled that big, friendly smile and said “Dang, has any one told you that you look like Richard Dreyfuss?”

“No, I can’t say that anyone has,” The Snowman responded, knowing full well that everyone has.

“I think you are him!  You are playing with me aren’t you,” she sassed back.

“I’m afraid not and I can prove it,” he responded.

“Yeah, how’s that?” she asked.

“Well, for starters, that is Richard Dreyfuss walking in the door right now,” The Snowman said, quite stunned.

And sure enough, the bell rang on the front door and in walked The Richard Dreyfuss.  But he seemed preoccupied, almost in a zombie state.  He walked right up to the Snowman’s table and sat down in the booth.  He turned to the waitress, staring at her chest, and she asked, “Can I get you anything Mr. Dreyfuss?”

“Mashed Potatoes!  And lots of them,” Richard said robotically.  He turned to the Snowman and said “They’re coming again.  They will be here soon.”

The Snowman nodded and said rather questionably “Okay?  Are you alright Mr. Dreyfuss?  Can I help you with anything?”.  Richard said nothing.  The waitress returned with the mashed potatoes and put them in front of Richard.  He immediately reached in and started mushing them around and building what looked like a mountain.  The Snowman knew he has encountered that before at least three times, but couldn’t place it.

The weather outside started changing. Clouds were moving in, the wind was blowing harder and harder. The sky was getting darker and darker.  Then flames started shooting down from the sky. Something was landing in the parking lot of the diner!  With a loud bang and a whoosh of smoke, everything suddenly froze.  Nothing moved.  Everyone was frozen in place…everyone except Richard Dreyfuss and the Snowman.  The Snowman reached for his phone and speed-dialed Tee Bone Man and Superdekes.  He didn’t raise it to his ear, but left it in his pocket so they could hear what was going on…when and if they answered!

In through the door came several little green men…seriously!  They were little and green!  They looked like Marvin the Martian, and the Snowman was half expecting Bugs Bunny to come sauntering in after them.  They stopped in front of their table and spoke in plain English which freaked the Snowman out.  “We are here for Richard Dreyfuss!  And since we don’t know which one of you is Richard Dreyfuss, we are taking you both with us back to Mars.”

Martians!  The Snowman laughed and said, “Like hell you are, you little green pile of sh…” but before he could finish that line, the Martian pulled out a phaser and shot them both, leaving them unconscious.  The bad thing for the real Richard Dreyfuss was that his head collapsed into the mountain of mashed potatoes.  The Snowman’s head just banged hard on the table, probably making him even dumber than he already was. It was going to leave a mark.

The lead Martian said to his cohorts, “Grab them and take them to our ship.  We have what we need to finalize our plan. Let’s get them back to Mars. It is time to put the plan in motion, as we take over Earth.  Everyone will bow to us and worship us.  We will be Kings of this world,” as he stepped up on the booth with his arms held out wide like Leo from Titanic.  However his minions had already left, and no one was around anymore to hear him bantering on or witness his embarassing posturing.  He got down, feeling pretty silly.

The alien spaceship took off, but luckily the Snowman’s phone was still in his pocket, and Tee Bone Man and Superdekes heard everything. As the ship vanished, everyone in the restaurant and surrounding area unfroze and went on their day as if nothing happened.

Tee Bone and Superdekes sat in stunned silence in their lair, listening to the call. They couldn’t believe what was happening.  Superdekes broke the silence. ”How the heck do we help them?  We can’t go into space.  We don’t have any of that kind of tech.”

Tee Bone grinned and said, “Well, that isn’t actually true.  Remember at Christmas, when the Snowman came by with gifts?  You asked me about that envelope he handed me?”

“I have a drunken stupor memory of that…I think.” Deke answered. “What was in that envelope?”

Tee Bone Man reached into the utility belt of his uniform, and removed from a small pouch, an American Express Black Card.

“This,” explained Tee Bone Man, “is not a credit card.  Hold up your phone.”

Deke held up his phone, and Tee Bone placed the card over the screen, which suddenly went black.  After it flashed white, it now presented a map.

“What the…?” asked Deke.  “What’s this a map to?  That Snowman has more money than sense.”

“You’re right, but this time, maybe he was on the right track.  The Snowman was worried about what would happen if we ever had visitors from outer space, and how we would be able to defend Earth.  I think he’d watched The Avengers one too many times.  Him thinking he was Tony Stark or something.  He said he was having visions, like Richard Dreyfuss had in that space movie.  He was obsessed with defending Earth from aliens.  I tried convincing him to put his money into some mutual funds, but I couldn’t talk him out of this.  So, we’ve been building something, just in case we had to go into space.  Now keep in mind, the Snowman is a little bizarre, but I think you will like what we built.  Get on your flying bike.  We’re going for a ride.”

Tee Bone Man strapped his new genuine Australian boomerang to his back, while Superdekes stored his new Balls of Steel in his backpack.  Deke mounted his ride, and Tee Bone took to the air, as they followed the signal on Deke’s phone.  It was taking them miles away, near the US/Canada border.  Tee Bone Man began his descent and spotted a small concrete bunker in a hidden clearing.  Superdekes landed nearby.

They regrouped at the bunker, just shoulder height, with a concrete door in the side they faced.  To the right of the door was a small recess, and in that recess was a statue of what looked like Richard Dreyfuss.  Tee Bone lifted the head of the Dreyfuss statue, inserted the card in the mouth, and pushed the button underneath.  The door slid open to reveal a flight of stairs that went down below their ground.

Deke exclaimed, “What the Fu@#!”

They descended the steps into a vast hanger, filled with all sorts of electronic equipment and two massive ships.  One was an exact replica of an X-Wing fighter and the other was a TIE Interceptor, as the Snowman loved his Star Wars.  Talk about mixing up his movie franchises!  Tee Bone addressed his friend.  “Don’t be mad that I didn’t include you!  The Snowman said I had to keep it a secret, until we needed to do this.  He paid for everything, and we had the best scientists involved, as he spared no expense.  What a sucker!  But dang if they don’t actually work!  Get ready for the ride of your life.”

Deke asked, “Cool! Which one do I get?” as he ran towards the X-Wing.

“I guess you get that one,” answered Tee Bone Man.

They each got in their ships, flipped a few very switches and started the engines.

“It sure is a good thing the controls are simple,” said a relieved Tee Bone.  “Just like the old Atari 2600 back home.”

“Snowman is kinda a simpleton,” shrugged Deke.

Richard Dreyfus and the Snowman were being escorted down a gleaming silver passage by two Marians with phasers. They weren’t restrained, which seemed odd, but where the heck were they going to run to if they escaped?  A set of doors slid open with a whoosh, and standing there was something they never dreamt of seeing.  Or someone.  Their mouths fell open and slammed into the floor.

There in the fat flesh was Donald J. Trump.  But was it really? Something was off.

Standing next to Don was the head Martian.  “Welcome to Mars,” he said. “You are brought here because Richard Dreyfuss is the greatest American actor in the universe.  And we have a problem.  We have cloned Donald Trump, but we can’t get him to act like the real Donald Trump, the self-absorbed narcissist.”

The Trump clone came up to Dreyfuss and the Snowman and asked, “How are you guys?  I appreciate you taking time out of your day to come to help me.  That is the nicest thing!”  And with that, it was patently obvious that it wasn’t the real Trump.

The alien stated, “We need you, with your incredible acting talent, to teach him how to act like Donald Trump.”

The Snowman quickly retorted, “Well, he’s missing the stupid red ball cap first and foremost.”  Snowman strolled up to Trump’s clone, and started trying to teach him how to act like Trump.  Not being a very good actor, all he sounded like was William Shatner, and he emphasized every other word as if it was super important.

The main Martian screamed “STOP, STOP, STOP!! You are not the real Richard Dreyfuss! That was horrendous! You might look like Richard Dreyfuss, but you sound like William Shatner!  Not a good actor.  Guards, get rid of him!!”

With that, the guards grabbed the Snowman and threw him outside an airlock, where he was surprised to find he could breathe the thin, cold Martian atmosphere.  He saw a bright area of red dirt not far away, with a pair of legs sticking out of a hole in the ground.  Snowman was followed by two Martian guards, who grabbed his arms.  “Oh my goodness, they are going to bury me upside down in the dirt with my legs sticking out!”  The Snowman started trying to break free and escape, but their grip was too tight and strong.  There was nothing he could do.  The guards tossed him head first into a hole.  Before he was completely buried, he heard some explosions.

Coming in from above were two space fighters, firing lasers everywhere they could.  Things were blowing up left and right.  Superdekes shouted over the radio, “Red Five going in.”

Tee Bone Man sighed, “Really, we are going with that.? What are we, 12 year olds?”

“I’m flying an actual X-Wing Fighter, I can be whatever I want to be”, Superdekes explained with gleeful enthusiasm.

Two Martian ships came after them on an intercept course, and a vicious dog fight ensued.  The spaceships were flying by each other at breakneck speeds.  Laser cannons fired and just missed Tee Bone Man. He laughed and reversed course hard, getting the one ship in his crosshairs.  He opened fire.

BOOOM!!  The Martian ship was toast.

Superdekes swiftly got the upper hand on the other ship, which flew upside down over him.  Dekes took a picture with his camera phone and shot them the bird!  He then dropped back and blew the ship out of the sky. It was a crazy, maverick thing to do.

With both Martian ships destroyed, Superdekes and Tee Bone Man came in for a landing.  Before exiting, Tee Bone Man warned Superdekes, “Look in the compartment on your right. Open it up and take what’s in there.  You’ll love it.”   Superdekes did as he was told, and inside were a phaser, and an honest-to-God actual working lightsaber.

They both jumped down from their ships and immediately took on enemy fire.  Shots were landing all around them.  They both fired back and then looked at each other and lit their lightsabers.  Deke’s was green.  Tee Bone’s was blue.  Battle was rough at first, as an untrained Tee Bone man singed a little of his hair with the first swing.  More shots came and they both blocked them with the lightsabers.

“This is amazing” Tee Bone Man screamed.  “I feel invincible,” as he cut through the Martians like a hot knife through butter!

“Does this count as murder?” asked Deke.  Tee Bone shrugged.  The carnage went on for only minutes, as they seemed to have killed all the Martians and all was suddenly quiet.  They disengaged their sabers.

Tee Bone Man looked over to his left and saw two pairs of legs dangling out of the dirt and exclaimed “What in Gordie Howe’s holy name is that?”  Superdekes shrugged but went over to look.

The pair dug out the first person, and it wasn’t the Snowman.  It was a balding gentleman with a goatee and glasses caked with Martian dirt.  Superdekes exclaimed “Dude! Who the heck are you, and how did you get Buried on Mars?”

“My name is Kevin,” he said, cleaning himself off. “I was doing a podcast for a review on a Richard Dreyfuss movie and I said what a horrible actor he was. The next thing I knew everything went black, and I was upside down in a hole. I didn’t even know I was on Mars!”

“Dude you were Buried on Mars!” said Tee Bone as he dug up the next set of legs.  Thankfully, it was the Snowman.  Tee Bone Man exclaimed, “What the heck is going on?”

The Snowman caught them up the best he could, which wasn’t very good.  He told the pair, “We have to go save Richard Dreyfuss.  He’s inside with a clone of Donald Trump!”  Everyone looked shocked or stupefied, not sure which.

The Buried on Mars fellow, Kevin, spoke up.  “Richard Dreyfuss is here? Did he do this to me?”  The Snowman said that it was Martians and told him everything that had happened, but Kevin was still too stunned to follow it all.   Kevin blinked in confusion.  “I’m just going to wait over here,” he pointed to a rock.

The other three rushed into the building, Tee Bone Man and Superdekes leading the way with their lightsabers.  They met no resistance from any Martians.   The base was not heavily fortified.  They all assumed the Earthlings couldn’t reach Mars.  Our group came to the room they were looking for, and the doors opened again with a whoosh.  Standing in side was Richard Dreyfuss, doing his best Donald Trump impressions for the clone.  The clone appeared to be catching on.

The lead Martian was in the room with them, and managed to grab Superdekes’ lightsaber with his mind.  It flew it in the air to his own hands.  The disarmed Deke took his Balls of Steel from his backpack and took up a defensive stance.  Unless they were made of Vibranium, chances are that the lightsaber would cut them in half.  Even then, Deke was not too sure about the cutting power of lightsabers.  It was never consistent in the fiction!

Tee Bone Man prepared to duel.  Then, he remembered he had his phaser, set to kill.  Trying to pose like Indiana Jones, he drew it swiftly and shot the Martian dead in a single blast.

“Well that was easy” Tee Bone Man said with a smile, and blew the smoke from the barrel.  “I didn’t even have to use my boomerang on this mission.”

The clone approached Superdekes and Tee Bone Man.  “How are you guys?  I appreciate you taking time out of your day to come and help me.  That is the nicest thing.”

They both were a little freaked out and said confusedly, ”You’re welcome?”

The Snowman turned to Superdekes and Tee Bone Man.  ”Can we keep him? We could replace Trump with this nice guy, and maybe the world could finally be great again.”

They looked at each other and mumbled, “What an idiot!”  Tee Bone tried to explain.   “That’s not a bad idea in theory….  Are we sure Snowman’s not the clone?” he laughed.  “But no…can’t do it, Snowman.  Two Trumps on Earth, there would be chaos like you’ve never seen.  Can you imagine the conspiracy people?”  Tee Bone turned to the clone.  “Sorry, but this is where you belong.”

Trump answered, “That’s fine, I don’t mind, just as long as you’re all safe.”

Tee Bone and Deke escorted everyone out to their ships, but there was a slight problem.  The X-Wing and TIE Interceptor could carry just one person each.  How were they going to get everyone back?  They looked around and eventually found a Martian spacecraft they hadn’t blown up, and borrowed it for a short while. Who are we kidding, they stole it. They were not going to return it.

Superdekes and Tee Bone Man climbed into their ships, while Richard Dreyfuss, Kevin and the Snowman headed to the other ship.  “Can anyone fly one of these?” asked Snowman of his crew.  Fortunately, Kevin had plenty of gaming experience and figured it out in short order.  But before the door closed on his ship, the Snowman grabbed the Donald Trump clone, and pulled him so quickly that Tee Bone Man and Superdekes couldn’t see.  With Kevin in the pilot seat, flanked by Snowman and Trump, and Dreyfuss behind at the tailguns, the pilot and passengers prepared for space flight!  Kevin pushed some buttons and activated the thrust.  With that, the three ships launched for Earth, and home.  The Trump clone smiled a dumb smile the whole way back.

Two months later, Tee Bone and Dekes were in their lair drinking…no surprise there!  A breaking news story suddenly flashed on the TV screen.  The broadcaster announced “Two hours ago, Former President Donald Trump had fallen, banged his head and was found unconscious. He is currently being treated at the at General Hospital.  We are going live to the hospital with an update from his doctors.”

Instead of doctors coming to the podium, it was Donald Trump himself.  He says, “‘Thank you all for coming, I appreciate the help from the doctors as they were wonderful. The smartest doctors in the world.  If you ever get hurt, you want to come get help from these doctors.  They are the best. But it is easy to be the best when you are working on the best because that is me.   I’m fine and cleared to go home.  There is no concussion, and all is well.”

A slight pause and then he added “How are you guys?  I appreciate you taking time out of your day to come and check on me. That is the nicest thing.”

Tee Bone Man and Superdekes’ eyes got really wide, and Superdekes asked, ”You don’t think Snowman switched them out, do you?”

They both shook their head, “Nah.  Impossible.”

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE

Chapter Zero:  Tee Bone Man – Origins (by LeBrain) Coming March 2023

Chapter One: A Friend in Need (by LeBrain)

Chapter Two: Hell Freezes Over (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Three: Hell Ain’t A Bad Place to Be (by LeBrain)

Chapter Four: Tee Bone Man and the Rink of…Doom? (by Aaron KMA)

Chapter Five: The Super Duper Vault (by John Snow)

Chapter Six: Tee Bone Man Goes to Camp (by LeBrain)

Chapter Seven:  The Revenge of Common Knowledge (by LeBrain)

Chapter Eight:  Tee Bone & Deke’s Time Travelling Adventure (by 80sMetalMan)

Chapter Nine:  Castle Communications (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Ten:  The Case of the Lost Iron Maiden Socks (by LeBrain)

Chapter Eleven:  A Tee Bone Man Christmas (by all five of us)

Chapter Twelve:  Lost In Space (by John T. Snow)

Chapter Thirteen:  Clip Show (by LeBrain) Coming February 2023

THE EXTENDED LEBRAINIVERSE

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie vs. Tommy Lee in the Bouncy Castle of Doom! (By LeBrain)

The Advenures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie and the Quest for the Lost Lego (By LeBrain with Harrison Kopp)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation (By LeBrain) Coming soon

The Writer’s Room: Chapter One

The Writer’s Room:  It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like a Tee Bone Man Christmas