REVIEW: Def Leppard – Hysteria (1987, 2006 deluxe edition)

EPIC REVIEW TIME.  Image heavy!  Step inside, walk this way.

DEF LEPPARD – Hysteria (1987, 2006 Mercury deluxe edition)

25 million copies sold.  Seven hit singles.  A two year world tour.  All done under the most difficult circumstances.  Def Leppard’s Hysteria is one of rock’s greatest triumphs.

Although the album was released in 1987, the Hysteria story really begins on December 31, 1984.  Drummer Rick Allen lost control of his speeding Corvette, and was thrown from the vehicle due to improper use of seatbelts.  His left arm was severed.  Doctors attempted to re-attach the arm, but infection set in and it could not be saved.  It would be understandable if people thought Rick’s career in music was finished.  While many artists from Django Reinhardt to Tony Iommi had dealt with physical disabilities, nobody had ever seen a one-armed rock drummer before.

Undaunted, Allen began working on a way around his disability.  The band never considered a future without him, and were disappointed by “ambulance chasers” looking for a gig.  Rick Allen wasn’t about to allow himself to go down or dwell in his misery.  With an electronic kit triggered by his feet and right hand, Allen eventually regained his ability to not only play drums, but play live.  This resulted in an inevitable stylistic change.  Allen’s drumming style became more staggered, with emphasis on bigger, spaced out snare hits.  His electronic kit was no crutch:  singer Joe Elliott said he could play it “and make it really sound terrible”.

The next album was supposed to be a big deal.  It was Phil Collen’s first Def Leppard LP as a writer, and Rick’s chance to prove he wasn’t out.  Unfortunately, when the band started to record, producer Robert John “Mutt” Lange was not available.  Instead the band began to work with Jim Steinman (Meat Loaf), but were underwhelmed by the results they were getting.  Leppard’s ambition was not just to make another album, but to make something seriously good, memorable and special.  Something with the potential to be as big as Pyromania was.  Steinman was let go and the band started working with Nigel Green with no progress being made.

The band were taking so long, and suffered so many setbacks and delays, that eventually Mutt Lange was available again, and together they finally began work on the new Def Leppard LP.  Co-writing every song with the band, Mutt provided the focus and intense discipline.  The stated goal, following the template of Michael Jackson’s Thriller, was to make an album with 12 potential singles.

The long story of this difficult album (false starts, illnesses, studio problems) is only overshadowed by its success.  But it took a while to get there.

The first single “Women” did well enough, but failed to kickstart the mega album sales needed to recoup the losses.  “Women” was an odd choice for a first single: a slow robotic rock track, with a killer comic book-based music video.  It was incredible just to see how Rick Allen played drums with his new setup.  Apparently, video directors asked how they should shoot Rick?  The band answered “Just the same as you would any other drummer.”  It was simple as that.

“Women” introduced the new Def Leppard groove.  A simple one or two note bass line, layers upon layers of vocals and chiming guitars, but none of the full-speed-ahead New Wave of British Heavy Metal that Leppard were founded on.  The year was 1987 and Def Leppard were on the cutting edge.  To get those chiming bell-like chords, Mutt had them recorded one note at a time!  This is very apparent on “Animal”, the second single.  It too was mildly successful, but not enough to push the album into orbit.  Listen to the guitar chords and you will hear something that sounds more like chimes than strings.  This is down to the incredibly detailed and overdubbed recordings.  “Animal” was a stellar pop rock track, and a fine example of what Hysteria sounds like.

Refusing to give up, a third single was dropped:  the ballad title track “Hysteria” and possibly the finest song on the album.  The fact that these singles were not the hits the band hoped for at the time has not diminished them.  Today they are all concert classics, radio staples, and beloved fan favourites.  Leppard even re-recorded the song in 2013 for release on iTunes.  (While the re-recorded version is impressive, it is impossible to exactly recreate the magic on this album.)

Finally, the success that the band and record label were waiting for happened.  The track was “Pour Some Sugar On Me” and the North American version of its music video showcased the band’s stunning live show.  Def Leppard were playing “in the round” to rave reviews.  “Pour Some Sugar”, a retro glam rock tune with a contemporary sound, was a summer smash hit.  It was cool, it was catchy, and Joe’s verses almost sounded like rap, although really they had more in common with Marc Bolan of T-Rex.

On a roll, nothing would stop Def Leppard now.  Though the goal was an album with 12 potential singles, Hysteria eventually yielded seven.  Most rock bands were lucky to squeeze three out of a hit album.  Though the album was now becoming a bonafide hit, some critics and fans lamented the death of the original Def Leppard.  Others embraced their pop success.  The raw edgy guitars were gone and replaced by bright, precise parts working as a whole, in a gigantic pop rock juggernaut.  Joe wasn’t screaming out every line, but actually singing now.  It hardly matters.  With the success of Hysteria, Def Leppard had embarked on a whole new journey and have rarely looked back to their origins.

The singles carried on, through the rest of 1988 and into 1989.  “Love Bites” was fifth up, which originated as a country ballad that Mutt wrote and the band Leppardized into something different.  It was a hit for the autumn of ’88, a slightly dark ballad for the fall.  The victorious glam rock of “Armageddon It” was next, simple and pleasant enough for radio and video, and another huge hit.  These were songs that had pep, but wouldn’t frighten mom and dad.

The seventh and final single was a surprise choice:  “Rocket”.  On album, “Rocket” was 6:37 long, and featured a long experimental middle section.  The ambitious mid-section featured loads of NASA samples and sound effects, all backed by the African inspired drum loops of Rick Allen.  The song was based a drum beat by Burundi Black, brought in by Joe Elliott, played by Rick Allen and looped.  Eventually lyrics were added, inspired by the glitter groups of the 70’s that Leppard grew up with.  Lange also used backwards vocals for some of the hooks.  The line that opens the track and repeats through the song is the chorus from “Gods of War”, backwards:  “Raw fo sdog eht rof gnithgif er’ew.”  It was a sharp track to be used as a single, but that unforgettable beat was beyond question.  It was remixed and brought down to 4:25 for the single release.

It is  unfortunate that Mercury stopped at seven singles, because they could have released at least nine.  Many fans had counted on a “Gods of War” release, certainly before “Rocket”.  “Gods of War” had become a fan favourite for those who bought the album, and it could have been used as a “serious” themed single towards the end of the album’s life.  Dark in tone but more epic in quality, it really could have been a valiant single.  It has since become heavily associated with late guitarist Steven Maynard Clark, who was responsible for much of its guitar thunder.

The final track that shoulda woulda coulda been released as a single was the album closer, “Love and Affection”.  As good as any of the actual singles, “Love and Affection” had its own charm and hit potential.  It’s long been one of my album favourites, just under “Hysteria” and “Gods of War”.

Rounding out the LP are “Run Riot” and “Don’t Shoot Shotgun”, two rock tracks that help keep the album afloat.  Neither are clearly as brilliant as the hits, but both solidly get the job done with guitar thrills.  Finally there is “Excitable”, the only song I’ve never particularly dug.  It strikes me as gimmicky and very 80’s, much like “Social Disease” by Bon Jovi.  Too reliant on sound effects and gimmicks.  So out of 12 tracks, only one was really a dud.  That’s not bad by any measure.

So Hysteria rode the charts, recouped its costs, and then some.  The tour in the round was legendary and resulted in a live video In the Round: In Your Face.  Def Leppard were, for a short while anyway, the biggest rock band in the world.

Obviously, Def Leppard have continued to suffer ups and downs since Hysteria.  Steve Clark died.  Rick Savage has Bell’s Palsy.  Vivian Campbell fought cancer.  Yet they have continued to soldier on, never topping Hysteria of course, leaving it as the magnum opus that it is.

HYSTERIA

The album inspired a book and a movie.  An album of Hysteria’s stature deserves a killer deluxe edition too.  This one is nearly perfect.

As discussed in greater detail in Record Store Tales Part 4:  A Word About B-Sides, this album and its singles really clicked with the collector in me.  Def Leppard prepared a number of B-sides for Hysteria, and perhaps because these were not produced with Mutt, they all have a harder edge.  “Tear It Down” was a speedy but basic rock track considered good enough to include on the next album, and so it was.  The B-side version remains its superior, because it is tougher than the one on Adrenalize.  “Ring of Fire” was even heavier, clearly too heavy for what Hysteria became.  Along the same lines is “Ride into the Sun”, an old track from Leppard’s first EP, re-recorded here and in fine form.  “Ride into the Sun” is a stellar track and perhaps should have received some acclaim.  Even though the song has been remixed and reissued on other things, it remains a rarely heard gem.  Yet the most impressive B-side was probably “I Wanna Be Your Hero”.  This B-side from the “Animal” EP has the Hysteria vibe and sound.  It easily could have replaced “Excitable” as an LP track, but if it had perhaps Hysteria wouldn’t have sounded as diverse.  Dig that false ending!

This deluxe edition includes all the live B-sides and almost all the bonus tracks associated with singles for the album, and then some.  “Women” is a live classic from the home video.  Anyone who has seen it will remember this version and Joe’s intro.  “We got everything we need!  We got the band, the crowd, the lights, the cameras, the action!  There’s only one thing that we ain’t got…”  Women!  (I doubt that, Joe!)  “Elected”, the live Alice Cooper cover,  was recorded during this period but released in 1993 on the “Heaven Is” single.

From the same gig as “Elected” came a lively cut of “Love and Affection”, which was also utilised as the album’s Japanese bonus track.  It’s very rare to hear this song done live, and definitely rare to hear a great vintage version done live.  Then there’s a so-so “Billy’s Got a Gun” (same gig again), and a fascinating “Rock of Ages” medley.   This medley seamlessly captures some bits of classic rock tunes within itself:  “Not Fade Away” (Buddy Holly), “My Generation” (The Who), “Radar Love” (Golden Earring), “Come Together” (The Beatles) and “Whole Lotta Love” (Zeppelin).  This is all done to the tempo and style of “Rock of Ages”, and quite well, too.  When this was originally released on the “Rocket” single, there was no mention of the medley part.  It was a total surprise when Leppard broke into these other songs, some of which I’d never heard before.

Leppard released a few remixes during this period too.  Extended versions of “Animal”, “Pour Some Sugar”, “Armageddon It”, “Rocket” and even “Excitable” all come from 12” singles.  What’s missing is the single edit of the “Rocket”, the short version of the “lunar mix” .  The single mix of “Pour Some Sugar” is also missing, but that track is on so many albums including the five-million-selling Vault, so we’re not going to worry about it.  These extended remixes are, not surprisingly, pretty much for the fans and collectors.

Finally, and most importantly, is the last B-side “Release Me”.  This track was initially released on the “Armageddon It” picture disc single, but not credited to Def Leppard.  Much like their later acoustic B-sides credited to the Acoustic Hippies from Hell, “Release Me” is credited to Stumpus Maximus and the Good Ol’ Boys.  Engelbert Humperdinck is responsible for the most famous version of “Release Me”, but Stumpus Maximus is definitely responsible for the most twisted.  Featuring Def Leppard’s roadie Malvin Mortimer on lead vocals and the rest of the band goofing around, “Release Me” is a hoot.  Mortimer breaks all known sound barriers with his screaming (and burping) of the lyrics.  I was absolutely confused beyond belief upon hearing this for the first time, since I didn’t catch on to this actually being Def Leppard in disguise.  They absolutely fooled me; I thought whoever they were, Stumpus Maximus and the Good Ol’ Boys absolutely sucked!  For the time it was a novelty release, but it’s now a wonderful tongue in cheek finale to this great deluxe edition.

Some, including renowned rock journalist Martin Popoff, have dismissed Hysteria as lifeless and dismally underwhelming sell-out pop.  Keeping in mind where they came from (High ‘n’ Dry, Pyromania) there is no question that Hysteria was a clear and intentional turn towards the mainstream.  Where Def Leppard rose above a simple pop foray is in the detail and care given to the recordings.  With Mutt Lange keeping his eye on the goalposts, he drove Leppard not to make an album without a soul, but one that offered flawlessly assembled guitar based songs.  The passion and heart can still be heard; they are not buried.  It’s a unique combination of studio sterility with Leppard’s brand of glam rock, and nobody (not even Leppard) have been able to duplicate the magic of Hysteria.

You might not “need” the full-on deluxe edition, but considering the quality of the B-sides and live material, you’d be positively missing out.

5/5 stars

Gallery of single covers

 

 

 

#510: Kayys?

GETTING MORE TALE #510: Kayys?

We only get to do it once a year, so you gotta make it count!

Readers here have been treated to many tales from Sausagefest every year, the annual music countdown that occurs every July at a top secret outdoor location.  The parties are epic and the music is never disappointing.  You’ve read all about the countdown and activities many times here and even been treated to a few videos.  Sausagefest is such a blast every year that even the trip up is worth hearing about.

My two passengers this year were Uncle Meat, and Chris the Lamb Lad.  We had to pack a lot of stuff into my little Pontiac G5 including three coolers.  The Lamb Lad had packed his cooler full of freshly made pulled pork for everyone.  Perhaps even more important than the succulent and delicious pulled pork was the music selection.  Uncle Meat commandeers the stereo, but I brought four flash drives loaded to the brim with tunes.  I had spent several hours curating the music on these flash drives, much longer than we would actually spend listening to them.

Instead, we spent most of the time listening to the CDs that Uncle Meat brought.  As many music fans in Ontario now know, recording artist Paul MacLeod passed away a couple months ago.  Paul and Uncle Meat were very close friends, and Paul had set aside a couple CDs of his for me to review.  Meat gave them to me, and we listened to Paul in the car, with Meat remembering the good times.  I now own his albums Close and Play, and Tell the Band to Go Home.  Both are incredible, but we’ll save that for the eventual reviews.

Also given to me were two studio CDs by recording artist and Sausagefester Max the Axe:  self-titled, and Overload.  There was some pretty heavy metal on those two CDs.  Thanks to Uncle Meat, I now own three Max the Axe albums in total.  Needless to say, there was plenty of rocking in the car.


“Livin’ the Country” from Overload (2008)

Meat was on his best behaviour.  No backseat driving at all this year, which was an awesome change of pace.  He also didn’t piss in the middle of the road this time.  Up through Salem and into Arthur, we made our first stop at Tim Horton’s for some ice capps.  Usually I was the most prepared of us, but this year I neglected to eat a good lunch before we departed.  I was starving and ordered a steak wrap.  Unfortunately the place was really busy, as it always is, and I should have known it was going to take 20 minutes.  While I waited inside for my wrap, Meat and the Lamb Lad went outside for a smoke.

Moments later, Meat came back into the store.

“Kayys?” he said to me.

“Kiss?” I responded.  I had a flash drive with every single Kiss album.  Gotcha covered.

“Kayys?” he repeated, hand outstretched.  People looking at him now.  Lots of people waiting in line.

“I don’t know what you’re asking me,” I said uselessly.

“Kayss?” again.

I stood there like a doorknob; lots of people there looking at us trying to see what this weirdo was doing.  “Kayss?” he kept repeating.  It was clear I had no idea what he was asking, so he finally broke character.

“Keys?  Can I get your car keys?  I left my smokes in the car.”

“Why didn’t you just say that, you friggin’ goof?” I said as I dug for my keys.

“I did!” he retorted.  “Kayss?”

OK, I heard it now.  In the meantime, me and everybody else in Tim Horton’s in Arthur assumed he wanted a kiss.

We made our way up the windy country roads, listening to more Paul, more Max, but no Kiss.  Next stop was Flesherton.  There used to be a killer chip wagon there, but it has been gone for the last two years.  Instead, Lamb Lad went into a sandwich place and ordered what looked to be some pretty amazing food.  Outside, an elderly couple in the late 70’s or early 80’s seemed to be having an argument.

We waited for Lamb Lad to order, and then stepped outside again so the guys could smoke.  As we walked out, a cop car pulled up and blocked in the elderly couple!  It seems somebody had taken notice of their discussion and called the cops.  The couple looked like they had figured out whatever it was just as the cops arrived.  It was weird to see this happening in Flesherton Ontario with a couple who looked older than Moses.  We shook our heads and marvelled at how weird the day was getting before we even arrived at Sausagefest.

But the farm wasn’t far, and before we knew it, our destination was at hand.  Familiar faces were greeted, and help was offered in setting up tents.  It’s a magical place.  There are friends here that we only see once a year, but have bonded with like brothers.  It’s a remarkable experience to have.  And the music ain’t bad either.


“Giants” from Close and Play (2006)

 

 

 

#509: Rant Random

WHAT GRINDS MY GEARS

GETTING MORE TALE #509: Rant Random*

Journaling is a gift that keeps on giving.  I’m so glad that I decided to document my years at the Record Store.  Even when I think the well is dry, I keep finding little tiny flakes of gold.  I’ve collected four retail rants from back in the day for your edification.

Date: 2004/05/03

Manners? This guy was just standing in front of me, burped three times, and smelled of pepperoni when he did. It was so gross I felt like I had to puke.

Date: 2004/05/18

I have decided that I want to work at the Money Mart next door. All they ever seem to do is take breaks! The one girl, she’s on her second smoke break in one hour!**

Date: 2004/06/02

You know you’re stupid when…
You pay for a neon sign to be made that is grammatically incorrect!
I was just walking past Angel’s Diner, who advertize that they have “The best rib’s in town!” Yikes!

Date: 2004/06/21

The last thing I needed to see today was an older couple purchasing a CD about tantric sex.

 

* Title inspired by XM radio DJ Grant Random

** I noticed this because I had a bit of a crush on her, as noted in Record Store Tales Part 170.  Not a creepy crush though I swear.

#508: The Weirdest CD that I Own

GETTING MORE TALE #508: The Weirdest CD that I Own

The size of my personal CD collection now has exceeded my ability to store it properly.  I count it not in the hundreds but the thousands, my best guess right now being about 3500 titles on CD.  As one would expect, with that many titles here, you’re going to find some odd ones.  In fact, for the second-last chapter of the original Record Store Tales, Mrs. LeBrain brought out 10 of her favourite weird finds in my collection.  She missed the strangest one of all.

Scan_20160731 (2)Promos Volume 6 – Don Buchwald & Associates Inc.

This CD was given to me by a short-lived employee named Damien.  Damien will forever be scorned in the annals of Record Store History, for he quit (to become a roadie for the summer) with zero days notice, on the day before my vacation.  And boy, did I get in shit for going on vacation anyway.  This was one more incident that caused my direct supervisor, the one I call the “office bully”, to stop speaking to me for three weeks straight.*  The punishment far outweighed (and outlasted) the crime.  Cut that shit out, act like a damned professional.

So I will always have memories surrounding this strange 2 CD set, Promos Volume 6 put out by a New York talent agency in the late 1990’s.  It’s a free promo that has 87 samples of various performers such as Joy Behar and Stockard Channing showing off their voice talents.  “Chevy Chase stars in Modern Problems, tonight on HBO!” says Behar.  “Jack Lemmon starring in five movies, all day on Cinemax.”  She has a bit for Comedy Central, and so on.  Each voice talent name on these discs (the majority of which you’ve never heard of) has roughly a minute of samples to show off their skills.

None, not even Joy Behar, have anything on Dee Snider of Twisted Sister.

“From a frenzy of emotion, to a frenzy of violence.  What happens when fans become fanatics?  It’s an athlete’s worst nightmare:  Being stalked by a fan whose devotion becomes obsession.  [gunshot sounds]  CNN presents:  Fans who turn the field of sports, into a field of screams.”

Wow.  Who writes this stuff?  I can all but guarantee that any one of my readers can come up with a better tagline than that paid CNN employee!  Snider delivers his lines with the sobriety necessary.  But that’s nothing.  Nothing at all, compared to Sexy Snider.

The scene is set with sweltering sax, to go with the velvet voice of Snider’s sultry seduction.

“Lifetime has what you’ve been waiting for.  Spend every night of the week with a different man.  We’re not talking boys here.  We’re talking men, who leave you breathless.  Richard Gere.  Tom Cruise.  Kevin Costner.  Sean Penn.  All this week, only on Lifetime.”

It’s great stuff and I’ve used it for filler at the end of mix CDs before, when I needed something less than a minute long to max it out.  What I really love is how Snider’s New York accent really comes out when he says “Sean Penn”.  Damien may have been a dick, but this one track 51 second in length has given me…many minutes…of enjoyment over the years.

The 2 CD set comes in a “fat style” case, taking up far too much room for its 51 seconds of dubious value.  I wouldn’t trade it away for all the specials on HBO and Lifetime combined…but I also don’t need Volumes 1-5!

What’s the weirdest CD that you own?

* Three weeks was the standard waiting period for her to get around to speaking to me again.  Pretty awkward when you work together every almost single day.  This happened on multiple occasions.  

 

#507: Buying School

money

GETTING MORE TALE #507: Buying School

One of my (many, many) jobs at the Record Store was running our “buying classes”.

The problem was this:  teaching new employees how to buy used CDs was a very intensive process.  It made sense for us to train multiple people at once in one session.  We wouldn’t even try to teach an employee how to buy until they’d been with us for two months.  Once they had a little bit of experience under their belts, we’d start training them on being a buyer.  One of the best features of the stores was that everybody was a buyer.  You didn’t have to wait for a specific person.  Anyone behind the counter could buy.  We had to make sure that every single person was 1) fair, 2) competent, and 3) ready for the responsibility.

The first two buying classes were done with two instructors – myself and one of the bosses.  (The first one was memorable — one guy came in with a cocaine hangover after spending the night partying too hard with the Dandy Warhols.)  Subsequently, I handled the classes solo.  We would generally have three to four new employees in each class, all from different stores.

We had a dedicated computer just for these classes, and of course it was an old outdated one.  We couldn’t afford to buy a computer just for these training classes, obviously.  Do you remember how huge an old computer was?  I’d check in early and begin setting up the monstrous hardware which consisted of a PC, a titanic heavy monitor, keyboard, mouse and receipt printer.  Or, if the class was being held in another city, I’d pick up the equipment at our home office and drive it (and sometimes employees too) to the class.  If I was lucky, about two months later I’d see a mileage cheque.

We also had several large boxes of “training CDs” to help with learning scenarios.

For example:

  • CDs that were scratched, but repairable.
  • Discs that were top-scratched or pinholed, and not repairable.
  • CDs that were in mint condition.
  • CDs that were missing a component, such as a back cover, or one of multiple discs.
  • CDs that were so common that we always had them in stock.
  • Box sets.
  • Promo discs.
  • Classical music (we used a different buying structure for classical albums, based more on record label and series than artist and title).
  • Discs from every section of the store.
  • DVDs and video games too.
example of pinholes

example of pinholes

There was a lot to teach, and I tried to make it fun, even though much of it was very tedious.  A lot of repeat, a lot of doing the same thing over again, and a lot of waiting around as people took their turns going through buying scenarios.  The classes were a chance for me to unbutton a bit and step out of the box.  I had fun with the scenarios.  I would play different characters.  The white trash dude who watches everything you do and won’t shut up and let you think.  The crackhead looking for a their next rock.  The down-on-my-luck guy with a sob story that may or may not be true, who just needs enough money for the bus.  And of course regular, every day, normal polite people.  Because those are the exact situations they were going to experience in the front lines of the Record Store.

Not to mention (and we’ve been through this in more detail before, in Part 92: Staffing) there are many different versions of CDs.  They can be similar, but have different tracks.  It was crucially important to buy and enter these things accurately.  If you didn’t, a customer would say, “I was looking on the internet and I saw you had the 1995 remastered version of Diary of a Madman,” and find that you just entered it wrong.  It’s not the 1995; it’s the remixed 2002 one that nobody wants!  Somebody made a trip in to get that CD, and you fucked it up.  We tried to avoid that!  But there’s only so much you can teach.

Then, to finish the buying procedures, I had to teach them about the bi-laws regarding buying used goods in the province, and how to take ID from customers.  They had to know what ID’s were accepted, how to properly enter the info into the computer, and also how to deal with difficult customers who didn’t want to show their ID at all.

It was actually a pretty good system.  Whoever came up with it (probably the same higher-up that sat in the first two classes) did a good job setting it up.  Giving credit where credit is due, it worked.  But also giving credit where credit is due, I worked my ass off in these classes, and made them my thing, while it lasted.

Training can be made fun.  I think playing out scenarios is a great way to learn.  Let’s face it, there is a lot of pressure on new employees during training.  Doing my best to make it fresh and enjoyable was my strategy, and I think the results speak for themselves.  A few people I trained ended up lasting over a decade, and that’s something to be proud of.

#506: I’m Eighteen

This summer is just burning by. This week, we’re burning through five more chapters of Record Store Tales MkII: Getting More Tale!

GETTING MORE TALE #506: I’m Eighteen

The old Record Store was 95% used CDs, bought from the general public.  Like any store selling second hand goods bought pawn-style from walk-ins, we were regulated.  As discussed in Record Store Tales Part 254: You Don’t Need to See My Identification, if you wanted to sell your shit to me, you had to present to me a government issued photo ID.  That’s the law, and I was the sheriff, so show me your damned ID or you don’t get to sell your stolen CDs for weed money, got it!?  It’s not like we were taking IDs just for fun.  The cops really did go over our records (Record Store Tales Part 309: Penmanship), and every once in a while this would result in them catching a thief (Record Store Tales Part 307:  Court).  It was tedious but necessary work.

Part of the law regulating how we went about our business stated that you had to be 18 years or older in order to pawn stuff.  People would complain.  “But they’re just CDs, it’s not like I’m selling you a stolen television.”  Yeah, but the laws don’t differentiate between you selling a TV, a Garth Brooks CD with a cracked case, or an X-Box.  Some customers had a hard time grasping this concept.

To save yourself work, it was always advisable to ask a young-looking customer if they were 18 or older before you started going over their CDs.  If they weren’t 18, you’d ask them to come back with a parent.

Here are some responses from customers who were asked if they were 18:

1. “But I’ll be 18 next week!”  OK, then come back next week.  You can’t vote if you turn 18 “next week”.

2. “Can you call my mom? She’ll tell you I can sell these.” No, you call your mom, and get her in here with her ID.

3. “Did you know it’s illegal to ask someone their age?” Uhh.

4. Several kids just went outside and asked strangers to sell their stuff for them, just like kids trying to get an adult to buy them liquor. Sometimes people would do it. Not exactly the wisest choice. If those CDs were stolen, guess who’s name is attached to them now?

5. You’d get the inevitable people who are flattered that you thought they were that young. “Thanks for the compliment!” Well, you’re very welcome!

The kid that really pissed me off (and this only happened once) was the kid who lied to me about his age before I went ahead and priced all his CDs. He had a lot of stuff, DVDs too, and it took a lot of time and work to go through and price them all. I checked each and every one for quality, I looked them all up in inventory, and I organised them according to value. I made the offer, the kid accepted it, and then I asked him for a piece of his ID.

And then I saw he was only 17.

I was pissed and I didn’t try to hide that. I had wasted all that time going through his shit that he couldn’t even sell, because he lied about his age.

That kid would be in his early 30’s today. I hope he learned to stop being a lying ass!

Picture 12

Gallery: “Holy sh*t, jackpot” #2!

A followup to Getting More Tale #477: “Holy sh*t, jackpot, holy sh*t, jackpot…”

IMG_20160807_155347

The crappy Walmart at Stanley Park Mall continues to yield treasure to those looking for it.

My weekend was already filled with some golden toy scores.  I picked up the Transformers Titans Return Galvatron figure at Toys R Us yesterday, and the Star Wars Black Series 6″ droid collection too.  These were small triumphs, but the real treasure awaited me today at Walmart.  On clearance!

HELLO NASTYI’m trying to get at least one of every character in the Star Wars Black Series 6″ figures.  As of today, I’ve done it.  The last one dropped into my arms.  Two weeks ago at that Walmart, it was General Hux.  Today it was the ever elusive Resistance pilot Ello Asty!  I’d never even seen one before.  I was so excited that I fumbled and dropped the box!  Small dent in the bottom left corner is my price, but since the toy was $19.99 on clearance, I’ll suck it up.

I also found a few more Titans Returns figures today to go with Galvatron, but there is no question that Ello Asty is my real jackpot today.  Since Ello Asty’s name was inspired by the Beastie Boys (Hello Nasty, get it?) we’ll leave you with some “Intergalactic” to get back to the subject of music.

Well now don’t you tell me to smile,
You stick around I’ll make it worth your while,
Got numbers beyond what you can dial,
Maybe it’s because I’m so versatile.

 

WTF Search Terms: Dicks Get Clicks edition

dick shaped fruit

WTF SEARCH TERMS XXXII:  Dicks Get Clicks edition

 

I’ll admit it with no shame:  Sometimes I insert certain phrases into reviews, hoping they will eventually garner some hits from bizarre search terms.  I did that this week with my Ozzy Osbourne:  Ozzmosis review.  Trying to strike while the iron was still hot, I claimed that Rick Wakeman’s organ sound on the album was “bigger than Orlando Bloom’s wang”.  This may or may not even be true.

Only a day later, I got my first hit for this.  The evidence is below.

orlando blooms wang

I admit I’m getting some smug satisfaction from this.  Dicks get clicks.  At least if they belong to Orlando Bloom (and therefore, by extension, Katy Perry).

BLOOM

A safely anonymous friend of mine said, “I came across the uncensored versions. Oh my. I never thought twice about Orlando being hot or whatever, but dayum.  I guess I just needed a mouth…errr eye opener.”  I guess lots of people will be searching for Orlando Bloom’s wang.

Here are nine more search terms from recent weeks, none of them nearly as classy as Orlando Bloom’s wang.

  1. shit hand in shower
  2. shower poop guy
  3. russian milf
  4. www . fuck animals . com
  5. porn mcgangbang
  6. marilyn manson sucking dick pictures
  7. japanporn
  8. guy porn fuck she male real play mp4 down
  9. videos of trailer park aex partes

 

Thanks for joining us for these fucked-up search terms.  Whose wang will it be next month?  Who knows?

 

REVIEW: Aerosmith – Pump (1989 collector’s faux leather edition)

AEROSMITH – Pump (1989 Geffen collector’s faux leather edition)

When speaking of Aerosmith “classics”, fans often skip over the 80’s or 90’s and talk singly about the 1970’s.  This is unfair to 1989’s Pump, a bonafide classic indeed, a rebirth, an all-too-brief twinkling of Aerosmith turning back the clock and smoothly kicking your behind.  Sure, Permanent Vacation brought them back from the dead and provided three surprise hit singles.   But that album wasn’t as laser-focused as Pump.

Teaming up for a second time with the late great Canadian producer extraordinaire Bruce Fairbairn, Aerosmith (and co-writers) cooked a short and sweet batch up.  10 songs, all to the point and done “just right”.  That’s how Aerosmith albums were in the 70’s, and Pump is as close as they have ever been able to touch that magical golden era.

Incidentally, if you’re curious about how this album was made, there was an excellent behind the scenes doc called The Making of Pump that was out on VHS.  The band were clearly riding a wave of energy, it was palpable in the studio.  There was some conflict but it all seemed productive.  There was a surplus of songs.  Titles such as “Looking Up Your Old Address” and “News For You Baby” were dropped in favour of stronger songs — the 10 on Pump.

“Young Lust” and “F.I.N.E.” have always seemed to work as a supercharged pair.  The band sound young, therefore “Young Lust”!  Joey Kramer on the skins propels the whole thing forward, aided and abetted by Tom Hamilton’s unmistakable bass slink.  Whitford and Perry — locked on to target, supporting and boosting each other’s licks.  And Steven Tyler, always the centrepiece, keeping the attention focused on the hooks.  “I got a brand new record, and I gotta play,” he sings, and you have to believe it.  When Aerosmith have all five members firing at peak performance, then you have one hell of a lethal weapon.

We don’t need to address “Love in an Elevator”; it’s all been said.  All you really need to focus on when listening to this overplayed radio staple is the musicianship.  All these years later, it’s still smoking hot.  Hamilton’s bass rides that riff like a surfer.

Aerosmith weren’t a preachy band, but they were pretty open about their drug usage and recovery.  “Monkey On My Back” was their first real statement about this subject.

“I made believe the devil made me do it,
I was the evil leader of the pack,
You best believe I had it all and then I blew it,
Feedin’ that fuckin’ monkey on my back.”

The reborn Aerosmith infuse it with all the energy and greasy groove required to make their point.  They’re a better band without the powders; deal with it!

“Janie’s Got a Gun” is another track we don’t need to delve into deeply.  It was an innovative and daring track for the time; a real statement from Tyler.  He fought hard for his lyrics.  “Put a bullet in his brain” was changed to “Left him out in the rain” on some edits, which robs the song of its shocking impact.  In my opinion, the real moment people started to pay attention was that line.  And incidentally, this is one of the best songs to watch come to life on the Making of Pump video.  From the initial work on the song with writer Jim Vallance to the punching in of final vocals, you can watch the creative process like a fly on the wall.

A brief but impressive acoustic bit called “Dulcimer Stomp” was used to open side two, right before another hit single, “The Other Side”.  I always appreciated that they included “Dulcimer Stomp” in the music video, even though it’s not part of the single version.  “The Other Side” is probably the safest track on the album, the only one without some kind of edginess.  It does boast some popping horns, a Bruce Fairbairn production trademark.  Bruce is one of the players in the horn section, dubbed the Margarita Horns.  “My Girl” is similarly simple and to the point, although later plagiarized for not one but two songs on 2012’s Music From Another Dimension!  Much more interesting is the heavy duty “Don’t Get Mad, Get Even”.  Swampy, even including didgeridoo, this is one of those Aero-blasts through the blues that Perry and Co. do so well.  Just as awesome is “Voodoo Medicine Man” which is probably the most…ominous…Aerosmith track ever recorded.  It is different and groove-heavy.  Deeply impressive heavy rocking happening here.

Closing out with the ballad “What It Takes” was a classy move.  Unlike some other ballads this band has had hits with over the years, “What It Takes” has a sincerity and authenticity that has kept it from ageing badly.   The country tinge of “What It Takes” foreshadows Steve Tyler’s current solo direction, but in 1989 this was just slightly different for the band.  Listen for a callback to “F.I.N.E.” from side one, and a hidden bonus track.  There’s an unlisted track of acoustic instrumental jamming, an outtake from the sessions, at the very end.  Even incidental bits like “Going Down” and “Dulcimer Stomp” are given their own titles on the CD, but this last jam is left a surprise.

This rare limited edition version of Pump comes in a “leather case”.  There is an outer slipcase, and an inner digipack.  It was manufactured as a promo and then later sold as a limited release at retail.  It’s cool and looks sharp, but there is nothing else exclusive about this release.  It’s a cool find if you happen upon one in your travels, but sticking with the zillions-selling regular CD edition will do you just F.I.N.E. fine.

4.5/5 stars

AERO-REVIEWS:

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aerosmith-pump

REVIEW: Ozzy Osbourne – Ozzmosis (1995, remastered)

Scan_20160727OZZY OSBOURNE – Ozzmosis (1995, 2002 Sony remaster)

It is fair to say that Ozzy’s solo recording career post-No More Tears is not considered as classic as the music from before. Admittedly it was a confusing time. Ozzy finished his “No More Tours” tour while all the talk was about a Sabbath reunion that never happened. Retirement wasn’t in the cards, so Ozzy re-teamed with a few former members of his band: Zakk Wylde on guitar, and Geezer Butler on bass. Joining the band behind the drums was a pre-Journey Deen Castronovo. Ozzy sat down to write with a number of talents including Steve Vai, and eventually produced the “post retirement” album Ozzmosis.

Ozzmosis was considered by some fans to be inferior to No More Tears, although song for song, No More Tears isn’t as great as people seem to remember it.  Ozzmosis has a heavier, more bass-centric sound and certainly boasts at least four Ozzy classics in its grooves.  Osbourne has gone on record as preferring the demo versions of some songs better than the album tracks, but Ozzmosis boasts a hell of a heavy sound.

Ozzy was also struggling with his public image.  He didn’t want to be seen at the bat-biting madman anymore.  I suppose that’s why we see songs like “Perry Mason” on Ozzmosis.  Not a bad track, it was chosen as lead single.  But the subject matter?  Not sure why, but:

“Who can we get on this case?
We need Perry Mason,
Someone to put you in place,
Calling Perry Mason.”

Certainly a far cry lyrically from “Bark at the Moon”, but musically it’s still Ozzy prowling in the shadows, warning you of the dangers.  It’s delightful to hear Geezer’s trademark slinky bass all over it.  (I have often said that Ozzy’s best solo band, post-Randy, had Geezer and Zakk.)  Ozzy was sufering from some vocal issues at the time, but “Perry Mason” isn’t one of the songs you can tell this from.  Only Ozzy Osbourne & Co. could make a song about Perry Mason this cool.

“Perry Mason” would be one of the four album classics.  Also up there is “I Just Want You”, which he wrote with Canadian songsmith Jim Vallance.  Ozzy was rightfully proud of this heavy ballad.  Rick Wakeman provided keys, classy and absolutely perfect.  At times he’s playing synth parts that sound like mellotron, at others like a big fat Hammond organ (bigger than Orlando Bloom’s wang).  At all times, it is awesome.  Zakk Wylde plays an effects-laden solo that sounds underwater, but in a good way.  It’s haunting and not robbed of its power.  He utilises this “watery” sound on a number of tracks on Ozzmosis.

Standing with these songs is “See You on the Other Side”, another fab ballad from the dark side.  Ozzy’s preferred demo version (with sax solo) can be found on his Prince of Darkness box set.  There’s nothing wrong with this version though, haunting as it is.   It was written by Ozzy, Zakk, and Lemmy Kilmister, who helped Ozzy out with the words.

The fourth and final classic is the album closer, “Old L.A. Tonight”.  As one of Ozzy’s piano ballads, it has been largely forgotten over the years.  The piano and Zakk’s very emotive playing only amplify what Ozzy’s singing.  Zakk’s solo is one of his finest.  Why some things become hits and not others, I don’t always understand.  “Old L.A. Tonight” is superior in almost every way to a track like “Mama I’m Coming Home”, or “So Tired”.   This is one of the tracks that does reveal cracks in the Ozzman’s voice, as he reaches for very high notes and quavers.  I can’t hit the notes he’s hitting, though.

You’ll notice that of the four album classics, three are ballads, and that’s a problem.  Yes, even as far back as “Changes” or “Planet Caravan”, Ozzy has been a master of the art of the heavy ballad.  His core audience tends to buy albums for his heavy metal songs, and the heavy material on Ozzmosis is lacking.  Few of those songs really congeal into something solidly memorable.  The album sounds heavy on effects, and while that strategy worked on the four classics, it tends to choke and strangle the other songs, inhibiting Ozzy’s voice with a nasal muffler.  It’s surprising how much time he spends singing higher than what sounds comfortable, and that too is a weakness.

Sony tacked on two bonus tracks for this 2002 reissue — a rip off, and I’ll explain why.  The album includes two B-sides:  “The Whole World’s Falling Down” and “Aimee”.  (That makes two songs about Ozzy’s kids on this CD, including “My Little Man” about Jack.)   There were however four B-sides released for this album, and two are not included for no good reason.  Missing are “Living With the Enemy” and “Voodoo Dancer”, but fear not.  None of Ozzy’s B-sides this time out were really keepers.  “Aimee” isn’t bad, but Ozzy has done much better stuff for his B-sides in the past.  Songs like “You Said It All”, “Don’t Blame Me”, and “Liar”.

Zakk Wylde didn’t do the tour for this album, even though he co-wrote and played on it.  Zakk seemed to be trying to establish himself separate from Ozzy at the time, and so Ozzy toured with Joe Holmes who had finished up a stint with David Lee Roth.  (Though Ozzy stuck with Holmes for five years, I never thought he sounded right playing the Ozzy or Sabbath material.)  After a brief leg, Ozzy fired Deen Castronovo and re-hired his previous drummer Randy Castillo.  Ozzy made a backhanded statement about Castronovo being a talented session drummer, and that’s what he should continue to do.  Ouch.

It’s a mixed bag, but when you hit a gem in the grooves of Ozzmosis, it is worth the price of purchase. Shame about the stinky cover art.

3.25/5 stars