#1169: Discontinuing the Tapes

RECORD STORE TALES #1169: Discontinuing the Tapes

In 1995, the writing was on the wall.  After struggling for years as a new CD/tape store, the boss discovered a goldmine:  selling used CDs.  The story has been told a dozen times or more, but the short version is this.  In early 1994, the boss brought a small tray of used CDs into the store, priced them, and they sold out immediately.  I think the discs came from his own collection with a few from his brother.  He realized that he could buy used CDs from the public for a few bucks, and then flip them for double or triple the price.  The hunger days ended soon after.

Profit margins on new CDs and tapes was slim.  After you factor in shipping, overhead, paying the part-timers, and an expensive magnetic security system, the boss was left with little for himself, if nothing at all.  He could not survive like that forever.  With used CDs, he could control his own costs.  This was something rare in retail.  Costs are usually determined by your supplier.  You could negotiate for better rates, but it was nothing compared to used CDs.  We could pay five or six bucks for a CD, and sell it for ten or twelve bucks.

You know what happened next.  Expansion!  Waterloo opened, followed by a second store in Kitchener.  These stores had 90% used stock, with a small chart for new releases.  They didn’t carry cassette tapes, at all.  While this surprised me, it was a smart move.  We were ahead of the curve by not carrying cassettes in those stores.   We didn’t even carry used tapes.  For one, it was harder to check them for quality compared to CDs.  For second, it simplified things greatly by only focusing on discs.  One product, one display system, one storage system.  You could take the disc out of the case, hide it behind the counter, and put the empty case on the shelf.  The security system was replaced in this simple way.

Eventually the original Stanley Park Mall store had to close.  Rent in malls is higher than that in plazas.  It was the only store that still carried a full selection of new CDs and tapes.  It closed at the end of 1995, right after Christmas.  And we weren’t allowed to tell people we were closing.  Technically, it was a move.  A new location had been procured in Cambridge.  It too was to follow the 90% used model.  Although we called it a move for the purpose of good optics, the reality was that one store closed and another very different store opened in another city.  The manager was the same, and they took the unsold stock and sold it as used, but it was a new store.

Closing Stanley Park put us in an awkward position.  In 1995, we lived in what was essentially a two format world:  CDs first and foremost, with cassettes still strong, but dying off bit by bit every year.  More and more releases were coming out on CD only.  Vinyl?  In 1994, only Pearl Jam had a mainstream vinyl release.  We carried Vitalogy on vinyl.  It was beautiful.  The boss opened a copy to look at it.  He ended up selling that one to his brother.  But what about that awkward position?  Here we were, going into the Christmas season and selling gift certificates to a small but significant number of people who still only had cassettes players.  We were selling gift certificates to people who were not going to be able to redeem them for cassettes except for a small window:  the six days following Christmas.  Many of those people had been customers for five years, since we opened.

“If someone complains about it, tell them to talk to me, I’ll take care of it.”  The boss was not the kind of person who relished giving people their money back, but I am sure he handled those cases as best he could.  We did special order cassettes for customers for a short period of time in some of these cases; they were isolated cases.  We had some cassettes returned in the new year as well, which had to be dealt with.

I do remember some angry customers.  “Where am I gonna buy my tapes now?” asked one guy who was unhappy, to say the least, that we were closing up, moving to a new location, and ceasing cassettes completely.  I suggested the HMV store at the other mall, but even they were noticeably cutting back.

For me, it was interesting to have lived through these changes in formats.  As a fan, I watched vinyl decline in importance to the point where nobody in highschool bought records anymore.  That was 1986.  Then I lived through the advent of CD, and its eventual replacement of the cassette.  I was working in the front lines at the Beat Goes On when Napster came along, and I saw shelf space once reserved for CDs now showcasing bobbleheads.

I wouldn’t trade it for the world.  All apologies to the inconvenienced!

 

The Contrarians Live: They Swapped Covers! – Tonight at 7:00 PM EST!

Today’s challenge comes again from the mind of Martin Popoff.  Pick two bands – and swap their album covers!  For example, Martin went with Uriah Heep and XTC.   I chose two bands that are a little more similar.  This was by far the most challenging list to date.  We could do one way swaps, or two way swaps – I chose two ways, all the way.  I like a challenge.  It seemed do-able, so I went for it.

For those keeping track, this is my tenth week in a row on the Contrarians.  The subjects thus far have been:

Tune in tonight and comment!  Martin always tries to address the comment section.

THE CONTRARIANS – They Swapped Covers! – Wed. December 18 – 7:00 PM EST

Sad Wings of Destiny for Cross Purposes

  • Fairly obvious – the wings of the angel works for Sad Wings, and the angel on Sad Wings is holding the Judas Priest cross.

Black Sabbath for Angel of Retribution

  • The haunting woman on the Sabbath cover could be our “angel of retribution”.  Meanwhile, if that Priest angel had been on an album called Black Sabbath, I sure would think my doom was at hand.  His cross gesture with his arms works with the religious connotations of the word “Sabbath”.

Never Say Die for Hell Bent For Leather

  • The pilots outfits must have leather in them.  Meanwhile, the mask/face/helmet concept on Leather evokes a Never Say Die attitude.

Jugulator for Dehumanizer

  • Two robotic characters, who cares which is which?  The robotic reaper could be a Jugulator, and the Jugulator could be a Dehumanizer.  Who knows!

Paranoid for Stained Class

  • The sword in the head sure works for Paranoid!  Meanwhile, the sword guy is abstract enough that it could go with Stained Class just as well as a chrome head.

Technical Ecstasy for Turbo

  • Look at the turbo cover and tell me that’s not some technical ecstasy.  Meanwhile, the robots on the Sabbath cover could be turbo charged in a very 1970s way.

Hero Hero for Tyr

  • The barbarian on Hero Hero can surely represent The Battle of Tyr, from the Tyr album. He’s not a Viking, but close enough for heavy metal, right?  Meanwhile the Tyr cover is astract enough to be called Hero Hero, I guess.

Heaven and Hell for Point of Entry

  • Point of Entry – the sky is heaven, and that eternal strip of printer paper surely is hell!  Meanwhile, the angels are smoking – their point of entry to bad behaviour!

Forbidden for Ram It Down

  • The reaper on the cover of Forbidden needs to ram all those ghosts back down that hole!  Meanwhile, the fist pounding the Earth just screams the word FORBIDDEN to me!

Born Again for Redeemer of Souls

  • I’m really really stretching it here.  That baby definitely needs its soul redeemed.  And that redeemer of souls…if he’s redeeming souls, doesn’t that make them Born Again?

REVIEW: Dennis DeYoung – Back to the World (1986)

DENNIS DeYOUNG – Back to the World (1986 A&M, 2013 BGO reissue)

Though his solo debut Desert Moon was a moderate hit, Dennis DeYoung took no time off and was back with a second album two years later.  Still using Tom Dziallo on guitar, Dennis also added C.J. Vanston on keyboards.  With Dennis being an acclaimed keyboardist himself, was this too much of the instrument?  Once again, DeYoung wrote everything himself, with no cover tunes this time.

Opening the album is the theme from The Karate Kid II, “This Is the Time”.  Fortunately the song is a lot better than the film.  With emphasis on saxophone and keyboards, this is a pleasant, anthemic light rock theme.  With some exposure, it could have been a minor hit, but fortune was not with Dennis this time.  The track only made it to #93, while the album peaked at #108.

“Warning Shot” has a bombastic Styx-like opening, though with less emphasis on guitar.  Dennis’ singing here is top notch, employing a lovely falsetto when necessary.  When the chorus hits, it feels like this is the Dennis we have been waiting for.  A spectacular guitar solo brings it into a classic rock realm, but really “Warning Shot” is all chorus.  A host of backing singers join in and the song launches into the stratosphere.  It should have been a single.

The biggest hit, the ballad “Call Me”, was the single, which hit #5 on the Adult Contemporary charts, where no Styx fans were likely to hear it.  It has some nice saxophone textures, but it’s unremarkable and will always live in the shadow of Dennis’ better known ballads.  It’s just too light.  “Unanswered Prayers” is better, with some lyrical guitar work in the intro and solo.  This slow number feels like a nice one for a slow dance, but the album needs a jolt of energy and this isn’t it.

Opening side two, “Black Wall” is darker and harder edged.  It’s a slow burner with focus returning to the guitar.  It is not exactly the energy injection we need, but at least it is a change of direction.  The “Black Wall” in the title refers to the Vietnam Veterans Memorial, in Washington D.C.  The powerful music is suitably dramatic and deliberate, with the soulful backing vocalists dominating the chorus.

A bluesy harmonica solo introduces “Southbound Ryan”…but the electronic tom tom drums just jar you when they come in.  Fortunately once that’s out of the way, we’re onto one of the best tracks on the album and the shot of energy we so desperately needed.  A smoking horn section blasts forth, and the tempo is finally hot!  That horn section is like the jelly in a PB&J!  So sweet, so good, just the perfect punch for a song that deserved it.

Fortunately, the tempos and horns remain on the next song, “I’ll Get Lucky”.  We’re definitely in the 80s now, with more keyboards and programming at the forefront.  Notably, C.J. Vanston contributed a rocking instrumental section in the middle.  The song is a bit jerky, going from dense sections to sparse ones, and it feels bumpy compared to the prior one.  Would it have been better had Dennis just played it simple instead of trying to get so clever with the production?  Once again, Dennis produced the album himself.

The final song, “Person to Person” has a Styx-like vocal and might have worked on one of the later albums.  It’s a little too savvy for a pop record, which is a good thing.  Had Styx done it, hopefully it would have less synth and corny toms, but it was 1986 and that was the sound to have.  At least Dennis closed the album on an uptempo note, and a song with a memorable chorus.

Had Dennis employed an outside producer, perhaps his first two studio albums would be more even.  Back to the World and Desert Moon share this problem.  Both albums sag in spots, and despite some awesome songs throughout, there are not enough of them.

3/5 stars

 

REVIEW: Dennis DeYoung – Desert Moon (1984)

DENNIS DeYOUNG – Desert Moon (1984 A&M, 2013 BGO reissue)

Alas for me in ’83, Styx were coming very close to an end.  Tommy Shaw didn’t want to sing songs about robots (or something) but what it really came down to was Dennis DeYoung’s vision vs. his.  Dennis was the theatrical one, and Tommy was the rocker.  That’s putting it in simplistic terms, but by the end of the tour, Tommy was out.  The other three members of Styx wanted to replace him and carry on, but Dennis was not interested.  In 1984, Styx issued their live album Caught in the Act, and said goodbye.  Less than six months later, Dennis DeYoung was out of the gates with his debut solo album.

Desert Moon demonstrated that Dennis was full of new ideas.  He wrote seven of the eight songs, with a Hendrix cover in the mix, and no co-writers.  Not that Dennis needed co-writers before, but he did often share credits on early Styx tracks with his bandmates.  Guitars on Desert Moon were handled by Tom Dziallo, who also programmed drums when necessary.  Dennis takes care of all keyboard duties, augmented by saxophone on some tracks.

I can distinctly remember watching MuchMusic in 1984, when a new Dennis DeYoung video came on, called “Desert Moon”.   It was a top 10 hit, and a ballad.  I was quite clear in my youth that I did not like Styx for their ballads.  I dismissed Dennis as a solo artist immediately.  I am sure he was broken-hearted that a 12 year old Canadian kid didn’t like his new direction.

I should not have dismissed Dennis so easily.  If I had bought his new album, I would have loved the opening rocker “Don’t Wait For Heroes”.  It could have been a Styx song, the upbeat triumphant kind of single that they were known for pre-“Roboto”.  Styx fans might have considered it a return to form for the singer.  While not as guitar-heavy as the two-guitar band, it does rock, with the drums (by Tom Radtke) in particular driving the song.  The melodies evoke “Don’t Let It End (Reprise)” on Kilroy Was Here, but with more edge.  The end refrain of “get up, get up, get up!” should indeed make you get up.

Guitars come to the forefront on “Please”, with a riff and a chug.  Then on the pre-chorus, Dennis lets the keyboards come out.  “Please” is a duet with Rosemary Butler, a singer with dozens of albums on her resumé.  A tasty guitar solo continues to keep things accessible to Styx fans, but the duet is really impressive.  Butler goes head to head with DeYoung, and blows him away by the end with some incredible high notes.

New wave sounds inflect “Boys Will Be Boys”, which Dennis delivers with spoken-word verses.  The fast beats and bouncing synth recall Devo and bands of a similar nature, not to mention that Alice Cooper ’80 sound.  There is also a clear 1950s influence on the chorus, with that “dip dip dip dip dow!”  The production recalls “Music Time” from the final Styx record Caught in the Act.

You don’t know that you’re listening to a Hendrix cover at first.  It sounds more like a slowed down “Peter Gunn”, but then Dennis sings those lines.  “You don’t care for me, I don’t care about that…”  Only then do you realize you are grooving to “Fire”.  Unlike every other cover of it, Dennis all but rewrites it as a slow rock groove.  While “Fire” is not an album highlight (think about that a moment), it is one of the most interesting versions you’ll ever hear.  It takes guts to reimagine a song like “Fire”, and it takes talent to pull it off so well.

The aforementioned title track “Desert Moon” opens side two.  It was the top ten ballad, and it’s easy to hear why.  It’s a slow, romantic sounding song with a resounding nostalgic chorus about summer nights, innocence and dreams.  The formula worked.  In the liner notes of the BGO edition CD release, Dennis credits the arrangement which emphasizes his voice, and therefore the lyrics.  The guitar solo is also a thing of beauty, with one sustained note that just sings.  A magnificent solo.

Dennis digs into his classic rock and broadway roots for “Suspicious”.  It’s a DeYoung trademark, but in light of exceptional material preceding it, it tends to go unremembered.  It might be a case of too much synth.  “Gravity” uses such electronics as well, but in more upbeat setting.  “I wanna climb Mt. Everest, and find my Shangri-La,” sings Dennis.  The fast New Wave beats during the chorus are fun but the song struggles to find an identity, and the listener has trouble hanging on.

Desert Moon ends on “Dear Darling (I’ll Be There)”, a final ballad, and just not enough to recover the album from a dip in memorability at the end.  It’s simply too much saccharine at the end of the day.  Another upbeat track should have ended the album, though at least there is a fine sax solo to dig into.

Dennis suffered an injury while making a music video and never got to tour Desert Moon properly.  Would it have made a difference?  Unlikely.  While Dennis was more than capable of delivering a good album on his own, left to his own devices, it didn’t have the consistency we were used to with Styx.  Perhaps a co-producer would have made a difference, since Dennis produced this album by himself.  The performances are all excellent, particularly lead vocals, but there needed to be more spark within some of the songs.

3/5 stars

Tim’s Vinyl Confessions Ep. 591: Sammy Hagar Deep Dive #10 (I Never Said Goodbye)

Today at 4:00 PM EST, join Tim Durling and I as we talk about Sammy Hagar’s followup to VOA:  I Never Said Goodbye, or just plain Sammy Hagar.  It all depends on when you bought it, but Tim breaks the story down for you in this episode.

We go through the album track by track, take a look at a rare B-side, and evaluate our favourites and least favourites.  A lot of this album still sounds great, some less so.  Have a watch.  Here’s what Tim had to say about this episode:

Grab A Stack of Rock is back! Mike and I talk about Sammy’s final studio album in ten years. As usual, our opinions converge and also diverge.

Purchase RED ON BLACK: The Listener’s Guide to Sammy Hagar: https://www.amazon.com/RED-BLACK-List…

#1168: Christmas Crack

A sequel to #106:  My Favourite Aunt
and #287:  Closing Time

RECORD STORE TALES #1168: Christmas Crack

Closing time at the Beat Goes On wasn’t always easy.  At 8:45, we shut down all the customer listening station and began tidying up for cashout.  If people came in during the last 15 minutes, we reminded them that we were closing soon.  Some were respectful of that, and did their shopping within the allotted time frame.  Some brought in CDs to sell at the last minute, always an irritant.  Others purposely seemed to take their time, as if to put us in our place.  “How dare they tell me, the customer, that I only have 15 minutes to shop.  I’ll take as long as I want.”  Retail employees always have to put up with the worst behaved adults, so much so that we often forget the good ones.

December 23, probably 2002, I was closing up with a newer employee name Lori.  We were closing per normal procedure, getting ready for the big chaos on December 24.  Straightening the CDs on the shelves.  Filing things away.  Shutting down the customer listening stations.  Cleaning, counting the minutes.  Having a perfectly pleasant closing.

In came a mid-30s disheveled looking woman, lugging an absolutely huge black garbage bag.

“Hey guys!  Looking for some used CDs?” she asked with a huge smile on her face.

It was never a good sign when used CDs arrived inside a huge black garbage bag.  It didn’t speak well for the quality of the discs inside.

Had the bossman/owner been there that night, five minutes before closing on December 23, he would have seen dollar signs.  I know exactly what he would have done.  He would have told the woman to put the bag on the counter, called me over, and instructed me to race through the piles and check every disc for quality.  Then we would have had to check every once for pricing and current stock, so we could make an offer.  With a garbage bag the size she brought it, we’d probably be there until close to 10 that night, especially since we would have to log each disc.  It wouldn’t have been the first time he kept me that late after closing at Christmas time.  “We will need this stock after the annual Christmas blowout,” he would have thought to himself.  As a bonus, she looked desperate, so we could lowball her too.

Not feeling like a slave to the cash register on December 23, I took the initiative and turned her away.

“You’ll have to come back tomorrow,” I said as my part-timer continued to tidy up for closing.  “We’re done at nine.”

“But it’s not nine yet!” she protested.  “Where am I supposed to get the money?”

Ah I see.  Crackhead, as I suspected when she walked in with the garbage bag.  We had a lot of those.

“Well, we’re going home…it’s the day before Christmas Eve.  All the pawn shops are closed now.  You can leave the bag here for us to look at tomorrow morning if you want to.”  I gambled that she’d say “no” to that idea.  Crackheads were not the most trusting people.

“Well can you just look at a couple of them and give me a few bucks?”

I decided that I just didn’t want to.

“Sorry.  We’re cashing out.”

Should I have looked at her discs, at least until it was time to lock the doors?  Yes, I should have.  But then we’d have to ID her, log the dics, and pack them up.  Did she even have any ID?  And I just wanted to go home.  My boss called it “old dog syndrome”.  I called it “I don’t get paid enough to deal with crackheads at closing time” syndrome.

So the unhappy woman packed up her garbage bag and lugged it out the door, off to who-knows-where.  Not to buy crack though.

Merry Christmas.

REVIEW: Andrew W.K. – I Get Wet (2001)

ANDREW W.K. – I Get Wet (2001 Universal)

The early 2000s…they were a weird time, man. Just look at the clothes!  One guy who didn’t look like the year 2001 was Andrew Wilkes-Krier.  With a dirty white T-shirt and equally dirty jeans, Andrew W.K. came at the dawn of a new millennium.  His music was both ultra-futuristically sterile, while also being a throwback to the guitars and keyboards of the 80s. It’s impossible to pigeonhole his music into one genre, possessing qualities of pop, metal, and punk. We do know two things about Andrew W.K.: He likes to party, and he likes to write songs about it.

Andrew’s debut album I Get Wet is hard to describe.  It’s loud and banging, while also feeling like the product of a computer.  Though there are deluxe editions and Japanese bonus tracks out there, the core album is just 12 songs and 35 minutes.  Maximum bang per minute.  There are no songs over four minutes, and two that are under two minutes.  The instrumentation is guitars, bass, drums, and “programming”.  It’s impossible to know how many guitars, as several are credited including Phil X.  It’s a thick sound.  There are no solos.  There is no musicianship.  The volume knob has been cranked right off.

Opening up with “It’s Time To Party”, there’s a simple fun riff to headbang to.  Andrew’s yelling/vocals is augmented by keyboards to add melody.  If it were just his bare voice, it would sound very different.  Vocals, keys and guitars are layered thick and drums are cranked up to maximum bang.  It’s in your face, and one of the strangest sounds in rock and roll.  But…so damn catchy.  Dumb and catchy.  Exactly the point.

“Party Hard” was a significant hit.  I remember watching Andrew W.K. on Saturday Night Live one night, and my girlfriend looked at me and said, “You like this stuff?”  I did, and I still hear what I liked.

‘Cause we will never listen to your rules (No),
We will never do as others do (No),
Know what we want and we get it from you,
Do what we like and we like what we do.

The message is simple:  Party hard.  It’s a loud sonic mush, with a monolithic melody and if you were going to call this a guilty pleasure, then I guess it’s a guilty pleasure.

A repeating piano line introduces “Girls Own Love”, which almost sounds like you were listening to a Van Hagar hit at maximum volume, with your head under water and you’ve already held your breath for half a minute.  The overall melody comes through, but everything else is just loud banging.  Even Andrew’s vocals are a mixture between melody and percussion.  Good song!

The video gamey keys that open “Ready To Die” are indicative of the simple melodic construction of the song ahead.  Of course, the monolith of guitars and keyboards and vocals pile on, but you can’t shake the feeling that this is metal Mario music.  It’s a good thing these songs are short, because they usually consist of one or two ideas, rinse and repeat.

The tempos remain on high for “Take It Off”.  The formulaic piano keys ding while we wait for Andrew to start yelling.  You can imagine a sea of morons bouncing up and down to this song in some weird 2001 setting.  You can even envision what they looked like.  Then, “I Like New York City” breaks formula by opening with Andrew’s multitracked vocals.  Basically just a pop song played on guitars.  It’s simple enough to be a children’s song.  You can hear, in different arrangements, how these songs could be themes for Japanese children’s cartoons.

One cool song is “She Is Beautiful”.  To hell with dynamics; this one hits the mark again with the right combination of melody vs. bludgeoning.  It satisfies, but is best experienced with head bobbing.  Then, the delightful “Party Til You Puke” re-grounds the lyrical message where it should be.  You’ll enjoy the chorus of “Party til you puke, party til you puke.”  Probably the hardest song on the album, but it’s a narrow range of choices.  Fortunately, “Fun Night” brings things down to a sane tempo and non-deafening volume.

“Got To Do It” emphasises pop side of things.  It’s weird to hear a song that had this kind of pop potential, but with Andrew W.K.’s growly singing on top.  Without trying to sound like a broken record, it was 2001 and anything goes.  Synth horns are a surprising choice for the title track “I Get Wet” but they’re soon drowned out by the mush of guitars and keys.  You can exchange this song for “Party Hard”, or several of the others, so similar are they.  Finally we end with “Don’t Stop Living in the Red” which starts off like a Journey tune before Andrew’s signature banging kicks in.

Listen, I won’t lie to you.  You’re not going to get any smarter listening to I Get Wet by Andrew W.K.  You might have to put on some Paganini or Dream Theater to make up for the brain cells you burned.  Still, you won’t find anyone that sounds quite like Andrew W.K.  It’s such a strange combination of sugary sweet melodies, and excessively loud and layered guitars and yells.  Sometimes, it’s just what the doctor ordered.  It won’t be an album you play every day (nor should you; consult your pharmacist) but it might just be that perfect drug on the day you need it.

3.25/5 stars

 

 

 

 

Takeover of Rock Heaven (Part 2) – A Northern Lights Multiverse Story (By 80sMetalMan)

Takeover of Rock Heaven

Part 2: The Execution

A Northern Lights Multiverse Story

By 80sMetalMan

See also:

 

“The superheroes have taken the bait, we move now!” Satan commanded his legions.

Satan didn’t have a large force for his planned attack, he didn’t need it. Thanks to his mole, he would have complete surprise. Standing by the secret door, he proudly watched as Hell’s minions marched up and took their postions. When they were all up, Satan knocked on what appeared to be the wall. Suddenly, a door magically appeared and began to open.

“Follow me!” Satan rushed through the open door with his forces filing in behind him. Once inside, his minions began to fill the large reception room and began rounding up citizens of Rock Heaven who were unfortunate to be there at the time, with magic lassos. Keith Emerson and Greg Lake were two of the unfortunates.

“Quickly, check all passages and rooms,” Satan ordered. “Find Elvis, Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and the Big Bopper. Those last three were the original citizens of this place. Make sure you also get Ronnie James Dio and Lemmy. Oh, just get everyone!”

The minions obeyed, they rushed through the corridors and rooms of Rock Heaven, capturing deceased rock stars with their magic lassos and freeing the disciples of Mr. Suplee from their cells. Elvis was soon captured as was Bon Scott soon after. One of Satan’s lieutenants had to tell his troops to control their lusts at the capture of female rock stars. Maybe Wendy O. Williams kicking a few of them in the nuts might have had something to do with it. Still, the lieutenant promised, “There will be plenty of time for that when we get them to Hell.”

All of the captured rock stars were brought to the main reception room where Satan’s secretary ticked them off on his list. It was when they saw the singer, standing by the devil, they knew they had been betrayed.

“Johnny Cash, how could you do this to us? I thought we were friends,” Elvis tearfully inquired.

“It’s nothing personal,” Johnny reassured his old friend. “Back in 1955, I made a deal with the devil, my soul for stardom.”

“You could have made it on your own, you had the talent,” Elvis pointed out.

“Yeah, but this way was easier.”

Meanwhile, Satan was distracted by another of his lieutenants who reported, “We got most of them sir, we’re just mopping up.”

“That’s not enough!” Satan viciously growled. “There are still some key people missing. I don’t see Buddy Holly, Ronnie James Dio or Lemmy.”

“We’ll get them, sir.”

It took three minions and two lassos to subdue Lemmy. Even then, he fought back every step of the way screaming, “I’m gonna kill you mother fuckers!”

The time it took to capture Lemmy, gave Ronnie James Dio and Buddy Holly time to organize a delay action. Ronnie grabbed a mic stand and when the minions approached, the stand let out a blast which sent two minions flying backwards, hitting a wall and knocking them out cold. He blasted four more before numbers took its toll. Ronnie was soon surrounded and captured.

Ronnie’s actions gave Buddy Holly and those who were still free a chance to make a final stand or escape. Producing three guitars, he handed one to Jeff Beck and another to Jimi Hendrix. “Each note sends a blast to its intended target. We’ll make a stand at this t-junction in the corridor and hold as long as we can.”

They didn’t have to wait long. Satan’s hordes came charging down the corridor towards the three guitarists. Buddy fired first, his blast sent three of them flying backwards. Jimi and Jeff followed suit, their blasts sending more minions flying backwards and clogging the corridor. Jimi even ricocheted a blast off the wall, sending five more into the opposite one.

Still, the enemy kept pouring in.

“Buddy, you need to go, we’ll hold as long as we can,” Jeff Beck stated.

After one more successful blast from his guitar, Buddy got up, “You’re right.” He beckoned up one of the other corridors and led twelve uncaptured rock stars away. They followed Buddy down one corridor and then down a less familiar one. Suddenly, Buddy stopped and struck a note on his guitar. To everyone’s awe, a door magically appeared and then opened.

“We figured something like this might happen so we were prepared,” Buddy explained. “No go!”

He watched as the first ten stepped through the door but he held up the last two. “I’m putting the both of you in charge. The door is a portal which will take you to the Metalman. You must make sure everyone gets to him, He’s the only one who can help us, now go.”

“What about you?” one of them asked.

“If I go, they will know something’s up and they will definitely try to search for me and that will stop any plan to take back Rock Heaven,” Buddy explained.

Frank Zappa and Neil Peart nodded their understanding and stepped through the door. Once they were gone, the door slammed shut and just as magically, disappeared. It was like no door had ever been there. Buddy rushed back to where Jimi and Jeff had made their stand but not surprised to see they had been overrun. It didn’t matter, they had done their job, so, the first minions he saw, Buddy raised his hands and surrendered.

All of the captured citizens of Rock Heaven sat in the large reception room awaiting their fate. Mixed feelings permeated the room, some were pessimistically gloomy while others like Lemmy, who whenever a minion came by, called them a “fucking wanker” remained defiant. To add further insult, Dave Holland walked among the heavy metal contingent taunting them, especially Ronnie James Dio. “You wouldn’t let me in here so now you’re going to pay.” Elvis, on the other hand, wallowed in self pity, not being able to grasp how his good friend, Johnny Cash, could betray him.

“Twelve are still unaccounted for,” Satan’s secretary informed his boss.

Turning to one of his lieutenants,, he inquired, “Have you looked everywhere?”

“Yes, sir, it seems like they just disappeared.” Then pointing at Buddy Holly, the lieutenant pointed out, “Maybe he can help.”

Buddy Holly was brought before the Prince of Evil. “Do you know where the others are hiding? Telling me now might make things easier for you when you get to Hell.”

“Not, hiding, escaped. They went through a portal even you can’t open.”

Satan stomped about angrily and bellowed, “Then it will be worse for you, Holly! I shoved pineapples up Hitler and Saddam’s asses but I’m gonna shove watermelons up yours!” Then turning to his secretary, asked, “Who’s missing?”

“Neil Peart, Christime McVie, Christian Fagg, Warrell Dane, Paul Kantner, Sandy Pearman, Muddy Waters, Glenn Frey, Alec John Such, Keth Moon, Jill Janus and Frank Zappa.”

“Drat! I wanted Zappa,” Satan barked angrily. “I remember his portrayal of me in that song, ‘Titties and Beer,’ I was going to make him hold his pickle for enternity.”

Intermission.

The Metalman looked at his cherished copy of Nazereth’s “Hair of the Dog” album. He was ever so grateful the superheroes were able to get it back for him and put Suplee in Hell where he belonged. When they parted company, the Metalman expressed his hearty thanks and wished the superheroes well in their retirement.

A sudden but familiar noise briefly startled him. Someone from Rock Heaven was paying him a visit. At first, he wondered if it was Cliff Burton as it was he who visted the most, making sure the Metalman got his rock historical facts correct. He watched, wondering who it might be and he wasn’t surprised to see Jill Janus as she had vistied before. However, he was rather surprised to see Christine McVie. More rock stars materialized in his living room, some he knew of, others he didn’t. When the sixth person, a man wearing a baseball cap, who the Metalman recognised as producer, Sandy Pearlman materialized, he wondered just how many were coming. He felt particuarly honoured when Keith Moon materialized and then Neil Peart, remembering he brought Neil to the superheroes’ Christmas party. But it was the twelfth and final person to arrive which made his jaw hit the floor. He never thought he’d get a visit from Frank Zappa.

“Why are you all here? What happened?” the Metalman asked, so nervous that his two questions nearly merged as one.

Appointed spokesperson, Frank Zappa, grimly replied, “Satan has taken over Rock Heaven. The rock stars there have been rounded up and are on their way to Hell, we twelve were the only ones to escape.”

“How did it happen?”

“It was an inside job, Satan had a mole in Rock Heaven, Johnny Cash, whom no one would have suspected. Buddy Holly opened up the portal to take us here. He said you would be able to help us.”

“Can you?” Neil Peart pleaded. “I understand the superheroes have retired.”

“They have retired, although they did come briefly out of retirement to get back my “Hair of the Dog” album which Suplee stole. He must have escaped from Rock Heaven.”

“He did,” Frank explained. “He must have had some help, probably from Cash.”

“What shall we do?” Christine McVie wondered out loud.

“There is a new group of superheroes,” the Metalman explained. “They’re called the Northern Lights and we need to contact them immediately.

To be continued…

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS:  PHASE THREE – THE UNICRON SAGA

 

SPINOFFS AND SIDE QUESTS

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

The Contrarians Live: Favorite Bands… WORST Album Covers – Tonight at 7:00 PM EST!

Tonight’s topic comes from the mind of Martin Popoff.  The rock and roll wordsmith has plenty of good ideas, but 10 Worst Album Covers by 10 Favourite Bands is kind of a double whammy.  Not only does it give us a chance to showcase some bad album art, but it also allows us to list our 10 favourite bands.  This will be a fun, fun night.

For those keeping track, this is my eighth week in a row on the Contrarians.  The subjects thus far have been:

Tune in tonight and comment!  Martin always tries to address the comment section.

THE CONTRARIANS – Favorite Bands… WORST Album Covers – Wed. December 11 – 7:00 PM EST

REVIEW: Paramore – This Is Why (2024)

PARAMORE – This Is Why (2024 Atlantic Records)

So here I am, sitting down to write my very first Paramore review, and this is what singer Hayley Williams has to say to me in the very first verse of the first song, “This Is Why”:

If you have an opinion,Maybe you should shove it,Or maybe you could scream it,Might be best to keep it to yourself.

Well, I already started writing to here goes.  I don’t think Hayley will have an issue with my opinion in this instance.  I’ve long been a distant observer of the band, so it was finally time to check out an album.  This Is Why was the only one in stock at the local store, so this is why I bought This Is Why.

The title track demonstrates the immense talent of this trio, augmented by backing musicians.  Brian Robert Jones, one of the band’s live guitarists, plays bass for example.  Otherwise we have singer extraordinaire Hayley Williams, longtime guitarist Taylor York, and founding drummer Zac Farro.  It is Farro who immediately grabs you on the song “This Is Why”, with his complex jazzy drum beat that the song is built on.  Meanwhile, York slashes his guitar with echo, plink, and skwonk in tasty ways.  Though the song is not straightforward in construction, the verses and chorus worm their way into your brain in short order.  It’s hard to describe what is going on here, but I hear funk, psychedelia, power and pop.

Williams is one to the best singers in any genre today, and you won’t find anyone fronting a band like she does.  She possesses not only unusual power and control, but also a knack for unique expression.  “The News” exemplifies these qualities, while also giving us another crazy Zac Farro drum part.  The angry chorus seethes but also soothes.  Hayley throws everything she has into these verses.  The lyrics also resonate with this anxious age in which we live.  “Turn on, turn off the news!” she exhorts. “But I worry, and I give money, and I feel useless behind this computer,” she shares.  The chorus is the main thing though.  It scorches.

A light but bouncy and dexterous bassline grounds the third track, “Running Out of Time”.  There’s a hint of funkiness in the chorus.  This song sounds like it came from a strange era from another dimension:  the early 70s crossed with the early 80s.  You can really move to it.  I also love the call and answer vocals:  “I’m always running out of time!”  “She’s always running out of time!”

“Ç’est Comme Ça” is a fun track with spoken word verses and a bouncy chorus.  Farro keeps the beat dancy.  York uses layers of guitar to add texture.  It’s a short song and over before you know it.  The final song on side one is “Big Man, Little Dignity” which is catchier than its title.  For those who like guitar hooks, this song has a nice one with a solid bassline that rolls through.  The delicate chorus is immanently catchy, because it contrasts with the rest of song.  The whole thing is great.  A 1970s sound comes through, and the clarinets and flutes are a nice touch.  Bass clarinet too!  Unique, smooth, melodic in every direction.

“You First” brings the hard edge back.  The dissonant guitar line quickly falls into place within the ears.  It has a Cars-like vibe, but heavier.  The bass is no longer funky, but thumpy.  Always interesting though; the basslines on this album are all worth listening to.  The chorus on this song is explosive.  The combination of Hayley’s lungs and Farro’s snare drum just doubles the power.

Vibraphone opens up “Figure 8” with a bass clarinet.  It’s not a softy though.  Hayley offers biting verses, but once again when things come to the chorus, it tends to get explosive.  It’s at that point that Farro channels his clever drum parts into sheer power, and Williams pushes the limits of the mixing board with her voice.  It’s always melodic though, with the song never losing sight of itself.

“Liar” offers a respite, with delicately picked guitar lines backed by understated (but not uninteresting) drums.  Hayley’s vocals here are delicate and demonstrate her versatility.  Following this, “Crave” amps it up slightly, but also turns up the “melody” knob.  The chorus doesn’t disappoint.  What surprises is the closer “Thick Skull”, which is one of the softer songs.  Musically only, not lyrically!  “Only I know where all the bodies are buried, thought by now I’d find ’em just a little less scary.”  This song is loaded with texture:  different guitar effects, piano, percussion and of course Hayley’s diverse singing styles.

Of note, all songs are credited to the three members of Paramore, and there is no long list of high priced producers.  Paramore is a band.

This Is Why is a pretty great rock album with a foot in pop.  It works best when the band is playing it upbeat, though the slower songs may prove to be dark horses as time goes by.  The album is deceptively busy:  the hookiness makes it feel straightforward, but when you listen to the musicianship, they are not playing down to anyone.  Farro and York deserve credit for exploring non-mainstream styles in a mainstream band, while Hayley must always be commended for her excellent lyrics and absolutely stunning voice.  There are few singers like her, and that’s why she’s the focus of Paramore.  However, as stated above, Paramore is a band, and the writing and playing of everyone involved must be addressed in any review.  There’s cool stuff in these grooves.

“If you have an opinion, Maybe you should shove it?”  I don’t think I’ll keep this opinion to myself.  I think Paramore are tremendous.

4/5 stars