Who’s the Mole in Rock and Roll Heaven?
A Tee Bone Man Multiverse Story
By 80sMetalMan
1955
The band’s final song of the night ended to lacklustre applause. “Thank you very much, good night and remember your bartenders,” the singer said trying to sound grateful. He looked out at the half empty bar. Half the patrons who were there seemed more engrossed in their private conversation to pay notice to the band on stage. The other half were just plain drunk. The singer shook his head in despair and joined his band members in clearing the equipment from the stage.
“I can’t go on like this, I have a good job, so I don’t need to play in dive bars like this one in the hopes I will make the big time one day,” the steel guitarist lamented.
“Are you quittin’ the group?” the singer asked matter of factly.
“I’m not sure yet,” the steel guitarist answered honestly. I know how much more I can go on like this, playing in half empty bars to a few drunks who don’t give a damn about us.”
“He’s right though,” the drummer suddenly chimed in. “We’ve been playing in shit holes like this and ain’t getting’ nowhere.”
The singer sighed and grabbed one of the beers which was still left. Taking the can opener, he poked holes in opposite sides of the top of the can and took a long gulp. Once he digested the amber liquid, a sudden thought came to him. “Let’s not make any decisions tonight. Let’s all go home and have a good night’s sleep and think about it.”
Everyone in the band seemed to accepted their singer’s suggestion. They gathered up their equipment and packed it all away, most of it in the singer’s pickup truck before all headed home.
He wasn’t surprised that no lights were on as the singer arrived home to his trailer. After all, it was two-thirty in the morning and his wife would already be asleep. Trying to be as quiet as possible, he opened the door and crept in. Plopping himself down on the small couch, he opened another beer and started drinking. After one long guzzle, he sat staring at the wall, reflecting upon the disillusionment of his band. What frustrated the singer was that he knew that they had the potential to make it big, they just needed a break.
After finishing the beer, the singer wasn’t sure if he was drifting off to sleep while sitting on the couch. Furthermore, he couldn’t decide if he was drunk or just tired but he was definitely sure that he was looking at a human figure with what looked like horns on his head. The figured beckoned him to come forward, which he obeyed.
“God, I gotta stop drinkin’ so much,” he thought to himself as he moved towards the figure. When he got a few feet away, the figure held out his hand and commanded, “Stop!” His voice reverberated through the singer’s head.
“Who are you?” the singer asked.
The figure laughed a deafening laugh which again rebounded back and forth inside the singer’s skull. “I am known by many names, but you know me best as Satan, or the Devil.”
“This must be a dream,” thought the singer, but not totally sure if he was thinking it or actually saying it. His ponderings were interrupted by Satan’s booming voice. “You want to be a music star? Well I can make that happen.”
“What? Do I have to give you my soul or somethin’?” the singer sneered sarcastically.
“That’s exactly what you must do!” Satan’s booming voice nearly knocking the singer off balance.
“Look,” the singer explained once he regained his balance. “I might be a hard drinkin’ man but I’m a God fearin’ one too.”
“Oh, I’m not requiring you to stop fearing God,” Satan responded in a softer voice. “I’m just asking you for your soul and in return, I’ll make you a star.”
“Really?” the singer returned with a hint of sarcasm. “I’ll tell you what, I’ll sign your contract and see if you make me a star.”
The Devil reached into what seemed like a coat pocket and pulled out some papers. “You will sign, then?”
“Why not, I have nothing to lose except for my soul,” the singer snickered. He went over to a table which seemed to suddenly appear from out of nowhere and after a brief read, taking not of the clause that he would achieve stardom, signed his name.
“Good, good!” Satan bellowed with glee. “Tomorrow, after you’ve sobered up of course, go to Sun Records in Memphis. You will see that I will keep my end of the bargain.”
“I must be crazy,” the singer thought to himself as he drove his pick up truck into Memphis. Fortunately, the recording studio wasn’t hard to find and he found a place to park fairly quickly. As he walked up to the studio’s front door, he question the sanity of what he was doing. However, he concluded, “What do I have to lose?”
Carefully holding the reel of tape with his band’s recording and guitar slung over his back, the singer walked through the front doors of Sun Records. When he got in, a red haired lady wearing too much makeup briefly acknowledged him. Not sure of what to say, he stammered, “I have this tape of my band, I was hoping one of your executive types could give it a listen.”
In a practised tone, the receptionist automatically responded, “We can’t touch any unsolicited material. Do you have an agent?”
The singer shook his head. He stood there for a moment not knowing whether to insist or leave. Just then, three men came through the door behind the receptionist. He vaguely recognised two of the men but there was no doubt as to the identity of the third. Elvis Presley was known, not only to him, but now becoming a big name around the Memphis area.
“Hey, are you a singer or musician?” Elvis asked the singer out of the blue.
Momentarily taken aback, the singer nervously stammered back, “Yes, I sing and play some guitar.”
“Ah, nice,” Elvis responded and then he suggested, “Why don’t you join us for lunch? Maybe we can play together after.”
The singer couldn’t believe his luck. “Hell yeah!! he let out at an unintended higher volume.
Following a lunch of burgers and fries at a local diner where Elvis, his two band members and the singer talked about their musical influences, many of which they shared, he joined them for a jam session which went on to late in the evening. When he got to sing, Elvis pointed out, “You have a very distinctive voice. I like that deep bass sound you got.”
The kind words lifted the singer’s spirits to a new high but they rose even higher when Elvis invited him to come back the next day. As he drove home that night. He thought to himself, “Maybe selling my soul to the Devil wasn’t such a bad idea.”
2003
He didn’t experience any out of body experiences nor did he see any white lights. Instead, the singer found himself surrounded by near darkness with only a dim light above. When his eyes focused, he saw a familiar looking human shaped figure coming towards him. Instinctively, the singer headed towards the figure, thinking that he should meet it half way. When they were twenty feet apart, the figure stopped and held out his hand beckoning the singer to do the same. He obeyed. His eyes now fully adjusted, he could now make out the identity of the figure standing before him. Even though, it had been nearly half a century since their meeting, he recognised the Devil straight away.
“You’ve come for my soul, I suppose.”
Satan let out a loud laugh which rebounded through the singer’s head. “I’ve kept my end of the bargain. You can’t say that you haven’t had a great singing career, selling millions of records and even getting a Grammy for Lifetime Achievement Award. You even had your own TV show in the early 1970s and have been in movies. I think you had the stardom you were seeking. By the way, was you dressing all in black some sort of sign that you sold your soul to me?”
“Hell no!” the singer exclaimed. “That was just an image and I thought our meeting was some sort of drunken dream. Besides, you know that I made my religious views quite clear and even sang at Billy Graham Crusades.”
“You did,” the Devil affirmed. “But drunk or not, you did make a bargain with me and now it’s time for you to keep up your end of it. God can’t get you out of this one.”
“You’re takin’ me to hell then?”
A sly grin appeared on the Devil’s face. “Actually no, I have other plans for you. I’m sending you to Rock Heaven instead. You’re going to be my eyes and ears there.”
“Rock Heaven? Is there such a place?” the singer looked totally confused.
“Yes, Rock Heaven,” Satan further explained. “Ever since Buddy Holly, The Big Bopper and Riche Valens died in that plane crash in 1959, Rock Heaven has been the place where all rock stars go after they’ve passed from the mortal realm. God, using the archangel Michael as his representative, and I agreed to create the place where rock stars can spend eternity making music. However, I can’t go there unless I’m invited which is why I’m sending you there. Besides, I know your buddy Elvis is waiting for you.”
The singer nodded, “Fine with me.” He had barely finished speaking when he noticed that Satan had disappeared and a large door now stood before him. Instinctively, he opened the door and stepped into a large well lit room. He knew the person coming to greet him right away.
“Hello, my friend, welcome to Rock Heaven” Elvis greeted the new arrival. The two briefly hugged and when they separated, the room was suddenly full of other rock stars who had passed onto this realm, eager to greet their newest friend. Jim Croce was the first to shake the singer’s hand. “I’ve always wanted to sing a duet with you,” Jim smiled, “And now we have an eternity.”
Not Long Ago
All the denizens of Rock Heaven headed to the big meeting room, attendance was mandatory. Elvis and Buddy Holly, at the insistence of Ronnie James Dio and Lemmy ,called for this emergency meeting. No one was quite sure the purpose of the meeting but the singer, like everyone else, went in and found a seat.
Once the congregation was settled and quiet, Elvis addressed the audience. “We have a serious problem down on Earth.”
“You’re damn fucking right we do!” Lemmy interrupted.
“Calm down Lemmy,” Elvis soothed. Turning back to the audience, Elvis continued, “Someone on Earth has invented a time machine and has gone back in time with the intention of wiping heavy metal from existence.”
A chorus of boos arose from the heavy metal contingent.
“All the members of Black Sabbath, Led Zeppelin, Rush, Aerosmith, KISS and even Alice Cooper have all been assassinated. Their souls are in Limbo at the moment but I don’t know how long for. We’ve got to act to save heavy metal.”
All of a sudden, the singer sprang to his feet. When acknowledged, he suggested, “I think we need help from Heaven and Hell. Maybe Satan and God can help us.”
Phil Lynott also quickly rose up, “He’s right. We need to have outside help on this.”
“I second that,” Eric Carr added. “I don’t want to see my old bandmates in Limbo.”
“Agreed,” Elvis stated.
Just as soon as Elvis stopped talking a voice rang out. “Is somebody asking for help?”
While the rest of the congregation was slightly startled at the two new arrivals, the singer knew one of them straight away. It was the keeper of his soul.
“Allow me to introduce myself,” the speaker began. “You all know me as Satan, yes, me in the flesh.” Then turning to the personage next to him, he said, “I see God has sent you, Andrew.”
“Yes, they did,” Jesus’s apostle confirmed. “We need to get this mess straightened out.”
The two guests made their way to the center of the stage, Elvis taking a step back for them. Giving Elvis a thankful look, Satan addressed the audience. “I know of three people who can help us. Two are super heroes known as Tee Bone Man and Superdekes who reside in Canada. I’ve encountered those two personally.” A bad taste briefly swirled in the Devil’s mouth. “The other is a rock historian known as the Metalman. He can be found in England.
Andrew suddenly took over. “We in heaven have always feared something like this might happen and we are prepared. I’ve brought some divine items and have shaped them into forms you would be most comfortable with.” From seemingly out of nowhere, Andrew pulled out an electric guitar, a pick and a book. He further explained, “It’s best these items aren’t taken to Earth together, at least not the guitar and pick. One group should take one to the superheroes, and the other to this Metalman.”
The apostle handed the artefacts to Elvis who accepted without question, thanking both him and Satan. With that, the two beings promptly disappeared but the singer was certain that the Devil had given him a sly wink before he departed.
“Right, let’s get down to business, “Elvis demanded. After some short deliberations, it was decided that Ronnie James Dio, Lemmy, Jeff Hanneman and John Bonham would take the pick to Tee Bone Mane and Superdekes while Ronnie Van Zant, Randy Rhoads, Cliff Burton and AJ Pero would take the guitar and instruction book to the Metalman. Those chosen immediately left for their missions without further procrastination.
The singer, along with all the patrons of Rock Heaven rejoiced when each of the murdered bands was saved and history put right again. No one was surprised when Jimi Hendrix, Bon Scott and Malcolm Young were dispatched to provide further assistance in saving Led Zeppelin. When Satan and Elvis returned with the ring leader, known as Suplee and his minions, they did so to thunderous applause.
“These good guys and gals will be our guests for all eternity,” Elvis chortled as he led the captives through Rock Heaven. “The can spend their time listening to the very music they tried so hard to destroy.” His words were met by more raucous applause and shouts of triumph. “We thank Satan and St. Andrew for their help in restoring rock history but the real heroes are Tee Bone Man and Superdekes. I’ve sent a request to God, and Satan here agrees that when their souls do claim, that they both join us here in Rock Heaven.”
Satan used the crowd going nuts over their victory to slip through the crowd. As he did so, he stopped in fromt of the singer and whispered, “Thank you for getting me involved. Your efforts are duly noted and when I take over Rock Heaven, you will be my right hand. After all, these rock stars should have been in hell with me to begin with.”
A smile appeared on the singer’s face as he watched his master vanish. In his mind, he though to himself, “There’s going to be some fireworks around here very soon.”
Read the Adventures of Tee Bone Man Chapter Eight: Tee Bone & Deke’s Time Travelling Adventure for the crossover story!
THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN: PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 
THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN: PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA
- Noirison: Chapter One (by Holen)
- The Mole in Rock and Roll Heaven (by 80sMetalMan)
- Shinzon: Dread and the Fugitive Mind (By Harrison Kopp) TBA
- Noirison: Chapter Two (by Holen) TBA
THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’
THE WRITER’S ROOM
mikeladano.com 