RECORD STORE TALES #1178: Kitchener Blotto

There’s an old saying; I think it goes back to Aristotle.  It goes, “Never meet your heroes.”

I think we can prove that wrong, right here.

Quick recap:  I first heard Blotto’s song “Metal Head” as a young kid.  Not sure what to make of these guys, I filed it away as “interesting” but never had the opportunity to hear more through my younger life.  I even worked at a used CD store from 1994-2006.  You know how many used CDs by Blotto came in during that 12 year span?  Zero!  Not a one!  I started to wonder if they were a real band.  Fortunately, along came the internet, confirming that my memory wasn’t playing tricks on me.  Some of the core Blotto members first assembled in the early 1970s, as the Star Spangled Washboard Band.  They had albums and singles.  Yet, up here in Kitchener Ontario Canada, nobody I knew had the record, heard the record, or knew where to buy the record.  It was frustrating as hell, but I never forget the name “Blotto” nor the song “Metal Head”.  The music video was indelible.  The singer had charisma!  The band looked unique.  One guy was bald (a rarity in 80s rock bands) and one guy had glasses and wore a tie!?  What was with that?  In the 80s, we had Revenge of the Nerds and I couldn’t help but wonder what this band was about, because visually, that was what I was seeing!  A nerd with a guitar?  It made no sense to 13 year old me.

But I never forget.

Fast forward to 2018.  My pal Aaron and I had this summer ritual of hitting Toronto to go record shopping.  This trip almost never happened because Jen’s mom was dying of cancer and we only had so many weekends together left.  However, she ordered me:  “Mike, go with your friend.”  And so, first thing in the morning, we embarked.  The first store we hit was BMV and there it was:  Combo Akimbo by Blotto, featuring the song “Metal Head”.  Flip the record over.  There was the bald guy, and the guy with the glasses!  I snapped it up immediately.  It went under my arm and stayed there until checkout.  There was no question I was getting it.  The whole trip was documented on video, including this find.  In the video, I was delighted to find the guys all had “Blotto” names:  Sarge Blotto, Bowtie Blotto, Broadway Blotto, Cheese Blotto, and Lee Harvey Blotto too.  I got the gag, and all my hopes were confirmed when I dropped the needle on that record later that night.

Fast forward again.  We lost Jen’s mom, and I started writing again.  My Blotto reviews were spotted by drummer F. Lee Harvey Blotto himself, who contacted me in gratitude.  He even sent me a shirt, while defending their cover of “Stop! In the Name of Love” which I wrote slightly negatively about.  “What a cool guy,” I thought to myself.

I wore that Blotto shirt with pride until it pretty much wore out.  I also emailed F. Lee in 2019 when Sarge passed away from cancer.  What shitty disease it is.

I continued to listen to and love my Blotto albums over the years.  I purchased the Collected Works CD which has most of their studio material.  The rest of their discography eluded me, at least at prices that Jen won’t smite for me.  And finding Blotto, in the wild, in Ontario?  Not frequent, or I would have had an album sooner than 2018!

I’ve lost a lot of weight since then!

Fast forward again!  It is now 2025, and to my delight, I discovered that a Blotto documentary film was coming!  Hello! My Name Is Blotto – The Movie, directed by Rob “Bert Blotto” Lichter will premier April 12 at the Cohoes Music Hall.  I asked for any band member to come on my show Grab A Stack of Rock to talk about it.

A day or two later, F. Lee emailed.  “Why not!” he said, and offered the whole band and director Bert too.

And so we did the interview, and it was a lot of fun and hopefully gained the band a few new fans.  I know that among many of my regulars, particularly in Australia, it was their first time hearing and seeing Blotto.

What was really cool was the pre and post-show chat when we weren’t recording.  Bert was first to arrive in the virtual studio, and his passion for Blotto was only exceeded by his feelings of camaraderie with them.  We chatted a bit, and then Bowtie arrived.  He was curious about me, so I told him I was from about an hour west of Toronto in a place called Kitchener/Waterloo.

Without pause, Bowtie said “We played there as the Star Spangled Washboard Band in the early 1970s.  1975 or so.  We also played Guelph and Richmond Hill.”

My jaw must have dropped at that moment.  Guelph is pretty obscure even among Canadians.  And Bowtie pronounced it right, which most people don’t do on their first try.  He said that Broadway Blotto would remember.  I speculated that they might have played at the Coronet Club, not far down the street from me.  They were known for their regular-hours lunch menu, and strippers and rock bands at night.  That was the kind of place that Blotto would have played up here, as Bowtie and Broadway confirmed.

Also confirmed by F. Lee:  There are lots of Blotto live collections up on Spotify waiting to be streamed.  Lots more music for me to hear, right at my fingertips.

At the end of the show, the Blotto guys thanked me for my support over the years and said some very kind things about my writing.  I’ll tell you, there is nothing better than when someone whose art you admire, tells you that they also like what you do.

Broadway called us “kindred spirits” which I find very flattering, but this is where it gets really cool.

He asked me to choose my own “Blotto name”.

I thought about it, and I played with Hoser Blotto for a little bit.  I ultimately decided on “Kitchener Blotto”, because that really identifies me.  Maybe there are lots of fellow hosers who are Blotto fans, but I hope when Blotto hears the word Kitchener, they think of me.  And the strip club.

Thank you guys.

Don’t meet your heroes?  Pfft.  Choose your heroes wisely, I say.

Kitchener Blotto