Hell Hole

#366: 50 Shades of Piss

BAG

RECORD STORE TALES MkII: Getting More Tale
#366: 50 Shades of Piss

A sequel to #355 “The man’s hot piss warmed my freezing hands”

STOPARRET
Sensitive readers might be best advised to not read on, unless on an empty stomach.

Regular readers have already met Joe aka “Big Nose”, the most unique Record Store manager in the history of record stores. Still there today, slinging CDs to the masses, Joe is a phenomenon. The only thing he likes more than baseball might be taking a pee with the door wide open. He is a very different person, with a heart of gold and a bladder of steel.

However, sometimes when you gotta pee, you just gotta pee…door or no door.

Joe was living in an apartment in Waterloo with a couple guys. One morning after a long night of partying, Joe awoke to find his path to the washroom blocked by passed-out bodies. When you gotta pee, you gotta pee, so Joe improvised.

He fashioned a piss bag from an old plastic grocery bag he found on the floor. After relieving himself into the bag, he tied it off securely and looked for a way to get rid of it. The only easily accessible option was the window, so out it went, onto the lawn below.

I believe that Joe enjoyed this new method of relieving oneself, because he tells me that he launched more than one piss bag out the window over the course of the next few days. Until the landlord complained.

“I keep finding these grocery bags outside,” said the landlord. “Stop throwing them on the grass!”

If only he knew!

But that’s Joe. He seems to get some kind of perverse enjoyment out of relieving himself in the least labor-intensive way. In fact it has been confirmed that me that the stories are true: Joe has indeed shit in the shower. Way back in Record Store Tales Part 41, I wrote that somebody I knew claimed to shit in the shower.  Today, an informant named “Uncle Meat” has since told me that this is true.  Joe would either poop directly into his hands and drop the deuce into the toilet; or if it was a smaller shit, he would simply mash it down the drain with his foot. I had long considered these tales to be nothing more than myths.  But the stories were so bizarre, I really wanted them to be true.  Just so I can say I know a guy who proudly shits in the shower, you know?

Even though Joe is just a lil’ different from the average bear, he’s always been a solid, stand-up trustworthy guy.  He is a man of integrity and a serious who-gives-a-shit attitude when it comes to the norms of society.  I just don’t want to share an apartment with him, or need to use the shower at his place.

Advertisements

Part 215: Mono

RECORD STORE TALES Part 215:  Mono

Today, I was listening to some old-school Dio, and I had a thought.  A sudden thought that I wanted to explore:

“My taste in music was 100% solidified by that month in 1986 that I had mono!”

Yeah!  I think it’s true!  I was sick at home for a month (at least) too tired to do anything except record videos on the Pepsi Power Hour!  I was inundated with a steady intake of incredible songs, in many cases for the first time.  And because I still have the old VHS tapes, I know exactly what’s on them.  This brief but intense period of my life was rocked by this soundtrack, over and over again:

power hourOzzy Osbourne – “The Ultimate Sin”

Hear N’ Aid – “Stars”

Dio – “Rock and Roll Children”

Black Sabbath – “Die Young”

Lee Aaron – “Shake It Up”

ZZ Top – “Rough Boy”

Kim Mitchell – “Lager and Ale”

Thor (Jon Mikl Thor) – “Keep the Dogs Away”

Triumph – “Never Surrender”

Loudness – “Let It Go”

Spinal Tap – “Hell Hole”, the theme song that my sister and I dedicated to our old Catholic grade school!

These songs were first impressed upon me during that period, the visuals always cool and intriguing to me.  Especially Lee Aaron.  Ahem.  Anyway.  I watched these videos over and over again.   I recorded the audio (in mono) (…hah, I made a pun!) to a cassette so I could listen to them on my Walkman.  This came in handy at the cottage.  We didn’t have a VCR or cable there, so the only way to bring my songs was to tape them from the TV.

That one intense period of being stuck at home with nothing but heavy metal heroes might have made me the LeBrain I am today.  I’m glad something good came out of it!  I couldn’t even go swimming that entire summer!