hockey

#1227: Steele Away the Night

RECORD STORE TALES #1227: Steele Away the Night

The roots of anxiety run deep.  Some things from childhood, I can remember vividly.  I have strong memories of some of the unhappy moments, frozen in time.  When I say “unhappy”, it’s important to stress that these stories might not seem like a big deal to you, but they obviously impacted me in ways that still have repercussions today.

I can pinpoint the year to 1980.  It might have been March break.  Lego was a favourite hobby.  Lego Technic, or what we called “Technical Lego”, was hot and new.  I had a couple sets, including the 1978 go-cart (set 854), a 1979 bulldozer (set 856) and a really cool motor (1979 – set 8858) that were challenging and interesting to a kid (and now adults too).  The holy grail was the 853 car chassis, which came with a similar motor, rack-and-pinion steering, adjustable seats, and the biggest tires that Lego made.  It was completely customizable and a challenge to assemble with little kid hands.  I never had one.  I did get to play with one, once.  This is that story.  But it’s not going to go how you think.

My mom begins the tale.  When you’re a kid, sometimes your “friends” are just your parents’ friends’ kids.  My mom tells me that one of these friends of theirs thought it would be a great idea for me to have a sleepover with her kid.  Mark Steele was his name.  I didn’t know him.  I had probably met him at one of those random things that parents did together sometimes, but I didn’t know him at all.  I was invited to do a sleepover, and I think is was for two nights.  My mom tells me that one of the other kids in the parent-circle went over for sleepovers and had a great time.

I have strong memories about the rest.

Adults always thought I was “shy”.  I guess that is true, but the truth is even back then, I had severe anxiety.  I did not feel comfortable around people I did not know.  I felt very comfortable around close family and friends, but very few people outside that circle.  My dad had this one childhood friend who moved out west and became a scientist.  I took a real shine to him.  Very few others were that fortunate with me.  I did not know these people and I was being sent away for two nights.  Rather than be a fun time that I was looking forward to, it was something that I had to make it through, so that I could go back to my own home and bed.

I was treated with nothing but hospitality, but I simply was never the sleepover type.  I had it pretty good at home.  I had all the Star Wars toys that a kid could want.  I had a sister that I adored, to play with every day.  I had parents that made food that I liked and let us watch whatever we wanted on TV.  I had my best friend Bob, only ever two doors down.  Why would I want to go anywhere else?

Mark was a very friendly and welcoming kid.  His bedroom had a giant poster of a hockey player on the closet door – it was cut in half in such a way that you could opens the doors.  It might have been Wayne Gretzky, but that would not have helped me at all.  I knew nothing about hockey, and had no interest in it.  I liked Star Wars.  Even though every effort was made to make me feel at home, I felt so homesick.

For lunch, Kraft dinner was served.  I have always been a picky eater, and very much so a Kraft dinner purist.  I loved Kraft Dinner.   Nobody made better Kraft Dinner than my mom.  I do today it the way she did it back then.  Lots of milks, extra runny sauce.  No hot sauce, no pepper, just the KD out of the box with nothing added.  Well, wouldn’t you know it.  I was being served Kraft Dinner…with hot dogs mixed in.  I don’t know what I said, but I know I was vocal in my dislike of the concept of Kraft Dinner with hot dogs.  I tried to eat it, and it was probably more psychological than not, but I did not like it.  I still don’t.

For entertainment, we all went out to see the film The Black Stallion.  I remember them trying to pump me up over this movie.  “You’re going to love it!”  I have never cared about horses, and I need not tell you, I did not enjoy The Black Stallion.  My mom loves the film, but I distinctly remember thinking, “This isn’t a kid’s movie, this is a grown-up movie that kids can watch with their parents.”  I liked Star Wars!  I had no idea who Mickey Rooney was, or why he was a big deal.  I didn’t understand the movie.  The horse didn’t seem particularly likeable and I had no idea why the kid in the movie wanted to ride the horse.  Like, who cares?  That was my attitude as a nine year old.

Sleeping was difficult for me in a strange bed in another kid’s room.  As a person with music deep in his soul, and in an age before personal tape players, I liked to hum myself to sleep.  Usually a John Williams soundtrack piece.  I couldn’t do that if I wasn’t alone.  I really had to…not be myself…if I slept over at someone else’s house.

The one thing I do remember, and is definitely a happy memory, is that Mark owned the 853 car chassis.  I got to play with it.  I got to handle it and experience it for myself.  I remember thinking that, visually, it wasn’t very striking.  It was just a red bare-bones chassis. Yes it was everything you stared it in the little Lego catalogue photos, except up close in real life.  At the time, the 853 car chassis was the most desired of all the technical Lego sets.  It had the motor with four pistons that moved as you pushed it over the carpet.  It had loads of big technical pieces, a ton of gears, and was massive in hand.

As hard as they tried, the only thing I really remember enjoying that weekend was the Lego.  The lesson here is that Lego is just plain good for your mental health.

#1075: Epileptics Will Say the Darndest Things

A sequel to Part 43:  Epilepsy Sucks!

RECORD STORE TALES #1075: Epileptics Will Say the Darndest Things

As a person with seizures that cannot be controlled by medication, my wife Jen has an interesting life.  The seizures are not as bad as they were several years ago, but they still happen regularly a couple times a week.  Lately they’d been pretty mild.  There was a series of them recently that left her unconscious for hours, and she fell three times that night (twice off the bed), but those nights are unusual.  We always must remain vigilant, and pay attention to any signs of coming seizures.  My job is to make sure she’s safe and doesn’t fall or hurt herself.

What is a seizure?  Unusual brain activity can be triggered by flashing lights, or even stress.  This causes Jen to lose consciousness, and sometimes flail her limbs about.  If she’s standing, she falls.  She makes utterances that sound like anything from gibberish to laughing to choking.  Worse things happen too.  It’s scary.  Not gonna lie.  Some people are surprised how calm I seem when they hit.  It’s just experience.

We have learned in our almost 20 years together that you have to have a sense of humour.  When funny things happen, they happen and it should be acknowledged.  For example, after a seizure, Jen’s vision can be extremely distorted and magnified.  She can see details that I can’t, and sometimes things appear incredibly close.  So, when she stared at my nose and proclaimed it “pointy and triangle-shaped”, I had to laugh.  That has to be written down and remembered, because that’s objectively funny.

Recently Jen had an “aura”.  Not quite a seizure, but with similar effects.  Jen is conscious, but in a daze, with similar sensory amplification.  It can be scary for her so I like to just rub her shoulders and talk her through it.  On this particular night, the aura struck just before a hockey game.  I tried to have Jen engage with me, instead of staring off at something scary in the distance.

“Who’s playing tonight?” I asked, gesturing to the TV.

“Team,” she responded simply.  It was the best she could do under the circumstances.

“I know our team [the Leafs] are playing tonight, but who are they playing against?”

“Shitty,” she answered.  I chuckled despite the circumstances.

“Montreal?” I asked her.  The Canadiens are her most hated team.

“Other shitty,” she replied.

“Oh!  Ottawa!” I laughed.

She nodded in the affirmative.

And so, I’m writing this down so we’ll always remember.  You have to laugh!  Yes, the aura left her dazed for hours afterwards, but it is important to find the humour in it.  You can’t let this disease beat you like that.

So laugh!  Find the funny things in life and remember we’re still breathing.

Jen in her Leafs jersey at the beach

The Adventures of Tee Bone Man – Chapter Four: Tee Bone Man And The Rink Of… Doom? (By Aaron KMA)

CHAPTER FOUR:  TEE BONE MAN AND THE RINK OF… DOOM?

by Aaron

Tee Bone Man was exhausted. Going to hell will do that to a guy. Our masked hero was collapsed on a chaise lounge of rock in the basement of Deke’s Palace, drinking fine scotch with the ever-amazing hero Superdekes, his trusty partner in (repeatedly) saving the world.

Superdekes was saying something wise and interesting about Eddie Van Halen’s tapping technique on the guitar, and Tee Bone Man was trying desperately to pay attention, but he was falling asleep. Being Canadian, he naturally felt bad about being rude, but unconsciousness was very quickly gripping him despite his best intentions. What was going on? And then….

Where was he? This wasn’t Deke’s Palace. Superdekes wasn’t there. This didn’t even look like Earth… It was a vast, darkened room with a high ceiling, an echo that was only exacerbated by the cement floor. As Tee Bone Man’s eyes adjusted to the darkness of his surroundings, though, he saw a score clock, hanging from the ceiling of the room. He saw white boards with yellow dashers and thick glass around the top, with ads on them… he was standing at the hash marks of a hockey rink. In summer, clearly, because the floor was cement rather than ice.

Even though he knew he was dreaming, in that weird dream logic he also knew that this experience was completely real and his heightened super senses put his guard up immediately. His exhaustion vanished as his eyes darted around and his ears strained to pick up any noise of danger in the empty space.

Suddenly the score clock lit up, and loud music began blaring through the rink. The message on the board read Welcome To Your Doom, Tee Bone Man!, and the timer on the clock started counting down from ten minutes. Moving to the center ice circle, Tee Bone Man walked around the clock from underneath, but saw nothing of danger, no bomb, no guns, no evil henchmen. Not even a single demon to be found.  Then he heard laughter echoing around the massive space, and saw a light come on in the announcer booth above the stands at center ice. A silhouetted figure stood there, arms wide, laughing.

The music stopped and a gravelly voice came over the PA, still laughing, saying “Welcome to your demise, Tee Bone Man. You have been brought here to be decimated once and for all. There is no escape. Your time is running out, now less than nine minutes. Your end will do the world a favour!”

Facing the dark figure, Tee Bone Man struck the most awesome super hero pose ever, and said loudly “Who are you? Why are you doing this? Stop this madness at once!” The voice boomed overhead, “You know who I am, you love to hate me. I am a hero myself, but the heel of every situation. I am a friend, but also always the enemy. It is time for me to be the hero, and to do that I must end you to make way. Good bye, Tee Bone Man.” And with that the light in the announcer booth went dark, leaving Tee Bone Man alone at center ice with an inexorably ticking clock overhead.

His eyes having fully adjusted to the dark, Tee Bone Man made a quick survey of his surroundings. Nothing impeded him from free movement on the floor of the rink, so he headed towards the zamboni gate but found it locked. Quickly crossing the floor to the far side again, he headed to the team benches, hopped the boards, then climbed the shorter glass into the bleachers. Taking the stairs three at a time, he made his way up into the concourse. All the concessions were closed. Damn. A pretzel at the end of everything would’ve been nice, would’ve helped him think.

Running around the concourse to the announcer booth, Tee Bone Man was able to see the clock ticking down, now under eight minutes. As he ran, he thought about this situation. He knew it was a dream but it felt so real. Who was the figure in the announcer booth? What would he find when he got there? Rounding the last corner of the walkway, the announcer booth came into view. Tee Bone Man slowed up and started a cautious approach. No one was visible. He ducked down a few rows into the stands and approached the booth from underneath. Less than seven minutes now as he crouched and watched for any sign of movement, any booby traps or henchmen. There was nothing.

It seemed he was alone in the building. Had the figure already left? And if so, why did bad guys do this? Why construct some elaborate death trap and then leave a full ten minutes for the good guy to figure it out. And why leave, so there’s no way of confirming you’d been successful? He supposed that this was why the bad guys were always caught: they weren’t necessarily always the brightest.

Seeing no movement, he crept forward as the clock ticked past six minutes. Soon he was directly underneath the announcer booth. He carefully climbed the steps and, constantly checking his surroundings for booby traps and attack, he approached the booth. The door was locked. But now he heard a faint struggling sound behind the door. Looking around, he saw the handle of an old Sherwood hockey stick, solid wood and missing its blade, leaning against the wall. Grabbing it, with now five minutes left on the clock, he smashed the door knob with one mighty, well-aimed swing of the stick, surely a five minute major penalty so hefty was that swing. The door swung open slowly, revealing the gloomy interior of the booth.  The struggling sound got louder.

Rushing into the room, expecting a fight with the mysterious figure, Tee Bone found only a different figure, tied up, lying on the floor. Flicking on the light switch, he saw Superdekes bound and gagged, lying at his feet. Quickly undoing the bindings, our two heroes got caught up. “Thanks, Tee Bone, that was a close one.” Quickly scanning his pal for injury, Tee Bone Man asked him “What happened? Who tied you up? Why are you here? Does this feel like a dream to you too?” Rubbing his wrists to return circulation after being bound, Superdekes said “I don’t know who is doing this. I was drinking scotch and then woke up here, tied, in this dark room. I’m very glad you found me. As for being a dream, yeah, it all feels unreal somehow.” Tee Bone Man recapped his own story so far, and then the two heroes talked about next moves. There was now three and a half minutes left on the clock. They left the booth to search for clues.

With two better able to cover ground than one, they pair quickly searched the main areas of the concourse and found nothing of danger. With less than two minutes on the clock, they found themselves near the exit to the rear parking lot. Behind them was the door to the dressing rooms. “C’mon, Superdekes, we need to check here as well.” Our intrepid heroes, well aware that time was running out, crept through the door and down the hall to the team dressing room. Slowly pushing open the dressing room door, they found the light on but no one in view. Relaxing slightly, Superdekes was just turning to Tee Bone Man to say this was a dead end when wham-o, he was crosschecked from behind! Tee Bone Man swung around to face the assailant and saw a short, strong man in a black hood standing over Superdekes!

“Tee Bone Man, you found me! Your time is almost up!” Looking at a watch on his wrist the figure laughed and said “Less than a minute now!” Moving faster than he’d ever moved, Tee Bone Man sprang forward, swinging the Sherwood stick handle he’d never set down, catching the villain flatfooted with a mighty blow to the chest, sending him to the floor. Superdekes was getting up, stretching out his sore back and looking for revenge as Tee Bone Man stood over the figure. Kneeling on their assailant’s chest, Tee Bone Man snatched the black hood off the figure’s head to reveal… Brad Marchand! The evil Bruins forward, notorious rat, shit disturber and face licker, now holding up his hands in self-defense, crying now that it was all a joke and he’d meant no harm. Grabbing Marchand’s wrist, Tee Bone Man saw on the watch that the time had elapsed to zero but there’d been no explosion, no consequence at all.

Grabbing Marchand by the front of his collar and yanking hard, Tee Bone Man hauled Marchand up and, with fire in his eyes that was a look that could kill if there ever was one, shouted “What happened here? The clock’s run out, what happened? Speak, you fiend!” Marchand looked pained and fearful, repeating “Nothing! Nothing! It’s never anything! I was just trying to have some fun…” Quickly binding Marchand’s hands, our dynamic duo turned around to see police officers filling the hallway and bursting into the room. The day was saved. Marchand was taken away to serve his time, and our heroes were free to go home to try to make sense of it all.

 

Tee Bone Man started awake on the chaise lounge in Deke’s Palace. There was an empty bottle of scotch on the table, and Superdekes was just coming around as well. “Man, I had the weirdest dream, just now,” said Tee Bone Man. “You were in it, and we were in the Owen Sound rink, and…” Superdekes nodded and said “I know, I was there. I remember it all too.” They looked at each other a moment. “But that was a dream, so how…” Superdekes shook his head. “I dunno, brother, but I’m nursing a pretty good headache at the moment, and the one thing that helps with that is the good ol’ hockey game, the best game you can name…” And with that he snapped on the TV and there were the Toronto Maple Leafs facing off against the Boston Bruins! And the announcer was just saying, as they tuned in, “…and the Bruins will be without their star forward Brad Marchand tonight, out with a concussion sustained in the Bruins last game against the Rangers…”

Tee Bone Man and Superdekes started laughing, and settled in to watch the game. Tee Bone Man cracked a new bottle of scotch and Superdekes passed Tee Bone Man a pretzel.

Sunday Screening: The Sweater (1980)

On Friday’s LeBrain Train we discussed the Top Animated Films of all time.  The National Film Board of Canada came in with “The Sweater”, a classic short about a young Habs fan who receives a dreaded Leafs jersey instead.  It’s beautiful to look it, wonderful to watch, and heartfelt.  It’s only 10 minutes long so please enjoy “The Sweater”.

Sunday Chuckle: Otters Like Coffee Too

A few weeks ago, Mrs. LeBrain was on her way home and she stopped at her regular Tim’s to get her evening coffee.   Unfortunately the OHL team the Erie Otters were in town, were thirsty, and arrived at Tim’s first.  Standing in line were about 30 big-kid coffee orders waiting to be made.

Unwilling to go home without her Tim’s, and already planning to take a cab the rest of the way, she came up with a plan to cut the line.

Within minutes her cab had arrived…and she was ordering her coffee in the drive-thru.  Meanwhile inside, Tim’s were were still taking orders from the Otters’ defence.

Pretty clever, I’d say!

Sunday Chuckle: Lord Stanley’s Blues

It’s an obscure but not unknown fact:  I kind of like the Boston Bruins.  I don’t do it just to be a contrarian; I genuinely like Zdeno Chara and enjoy the team.  I especially liked them when Rene Rancourt used to sing the national anthem.  When the Toronto Maple Leafs aren’t playing, I’m “allowed” to cheer for whoever I want.  Obviously I was cheering for the Bruins to win the Stanley Cup.

The day after the Bruins lost to the St. Louis Blues, I found the paper below taped to mt computer screen at work.  Please note the misspelling of the word “your”.  Pointing this out to the gloating perpetrator, I sort of turned my loss into a small victory!

REVIEW: Trailer Park Boys – Season 11 (2017)

TRAILER PARK BOYS – Season 11 (2017 Netflix)

Thank you Netflix for saving the Trailer Park Boys.  It hasn’t been smooth sailing, but ever since the Boys returned to Sunnyvale with the excellent Season 8 (remember Orangie?), the show has continued unhindered by cast defections.  Season 11 is the first without Lucy Decoutere (Lucy) and Jonathan Torrens (J-Roc).  After already losing such favourites as Trevor (Mike Jackson) and Ray (Barrie Dunn), I can understand why some fans may have said enough’s enough.  Every show has its peak.  For some that would be the first three seasons of Trailer Park Boys.  For others, we have rolled with the changes.  Not all fans were unanimous in the acceptance of newer characters such as Col. Dancer, Don/Donna, and Candy.  For this season, those characters have been dropped.  The core park residents are now Ricky, Julian and Bubbles accompanied by Randy, Lahey, Sarah, Cory, Jacob and Trinity.  Little baby Motel is around, as is Barb Lahey.

Continuing a storyline from Season 10, Julian has vanished.  Bubbles is doing well now, having gone legit selling his own brand of organic pizza sauce.  It’s a hit, and a restaurant owner is willing to pay wholesale.  He has the whole park working together growing vegetables, contributing to the well-being of Sunnyvale and its residents.  All is well, but Bubbles does miss Julian.  Jim Lahey is sober and supervising, having truly changed this time.  He and Randy are planning to get married, while Randy is vying to get on the police force.  The absence of Lucy and J-Roc is explained satisfactorily.

When Ricky and Bubbles (now mobile with his own little truck) discover that Julian is now a lobster fisherman (or is he?) living in a shipping container, they go to confront him.  Ultimately, Julian’s return brings what it always does:  crime back into the park.  Snoop Dogg calls and wants weed, and lots of it.  Julian decides to hijack Bubbles’ pizza sauce business and convert it to a grow op.  As usual, Bubbles is driven near to the breaking point as the stress builds.

In Season 10, there was a revelation that Lahey may in fact be Ricky’s real father.  This is fully addressed in Season 11, via a lightsaber dual (hockey sticks and brooms subbing in for laser swords) and dialogue taken directly from The Empire Strikes Back.  Director Bobby Farrelly (Bobby fucking Farrelly!) must be given credit for the perfect Star Wars homage in Episode 4, “Darth Lahey”, right down to the action beats.  Brilliant stuff — a highpoint episode for this show.

There are cameos by celebrities and past characters. Look for Susan Kent from 22 Minutes, and NHLer Nathan MacKinnon, first overall draft pick and rookie of the year.  A few old adversaries have returned as well, to cause problems for our three lovable idiots.  Speaking of idiots, Ricky and Julian manage to bring the stupidly to new levels, but simultaneously, Ricky has a Yoda-like ability to trick cops.    Meanwhile, they have also managed to keep up with modern technology.  Cell phones, cameras and GPS now figure into the plots.  There are references to the Walking Dead and changing times.  This manages to keep the series feeling fresh.

After 11 seasons, it is understood that a show rarely hits the highs it once did.  Season 11 is a worthy effort; not in the Top Five, but certainly good enough at this point.

4/5 stars

 

#521: DVD Recorders

 

GETTING MORE TALE #521: DVD Recorders

Obsolete and outdated technology can be fascinating to look at. For a long while, it looked like everything was going to go DVD.  Even music.  There was talk of box sets by bands such as Led Zeppelin or the Beatles that could fit the entire catalogue on one disc.  The Digital Versatile Disc all but completely took over from the VHS tape for viewing, so why not for simple household TV recording too? Enter the DVD recorder. This was not the same as a DVD burner for your computer.  It was a standalone unit for your home entertainment system, connected to your cable box and ready to go.  As you can guess, it failed gloriously. Why? Uncle John’s daily calendar tells us it came down to cost:

scan_20160920-2

While it is considered obsolete now, the DVD recorder had one slight advantage over the typical PVR that you can rent today from Rogers Cable. That is keeping a recording permanently. I’ll give you a great example.

In 1994, my future father-in-law won tickets to go see the Toronto Maple Leafs during the playoffs facing off against the Sharks in San Jose. My future wife came with him, bearing a sign that said “DOUGIE G. FOR PRIME MINISTER”. This is of course a reference to legendary Toronto Maple Leaf center Doug Gilmour. Then my wife saw the unmistakable Canadian hockey broadcaster Don “Grapes” Cherry in the lobby, with his colourful suit and camera crew.  She shouted out “GRAPES!”  Nobody else in California would have known him as “Grapes” so he knew it was a fellow Canuck.  He saw the Dougie G. sign — his favourite player from Kingston, Ontario.  He asked her to come on down. That’s how my wife got on Hockey Night in Canada back in 1994. We have a copy of this on video tape, but when the game was re-run a couple years ago, we recorded it including the part with my wife on our Rogers PVR.

It was nice to have it digitally but we always knew we’d lose it if the PVR busted. There’s no way to retrieve a recording from it, according to Rogers. So when it finally kicked the bucket, we lost the hockey recording. No matter; we’ll just wait for the next re-run.

If we only had an old-fashioned DVD recorder, however, we’d have a hard copy that we could have kept safe and sound forever!

 

 

REVIEW: Trailer Park Boys – Season 9 (Netflix)

NEW RELEASE

TPB9 BOXTRAILER PARK BOYS – Season 9 (2015 Netflix)

It is with great sorrow that I have finally come to review Season 9 of the Trailer Park Boys, released earlier in the spring.  After the unexpectedly hilarious Season 8, I had only expected more from Season 9.  The 8th season left us with so much promise.  Not only had the show bounced back with one of its best years yet, but some fresh ideas and characters promised to rejuvenate it going forward.  Unfortunately the ball was fumbled.

Even though they had written in a bottomless supply of lookalike “Orangies”, Ricky’s pet goldfish and one of the highlights of the last season, Orangie was essentially dropped in Season 9.  On the bright side, Ricky replaced Orangie in his heart with a goat he found in a barn he spends some time living in.  He names the goat Willy.

Even though the character of Don/Donna was a major new introduction last year, Don has been dropped (supposedly travelling, according to the online-only Season 8.5).  This leaves Donna, unexplained and creepy, working in a rub-and-tizzug based out of Julian’s old trailer!  He/she works with T, who doesn’t particularly care for his job.  T much prefers driving his Tiz-axi.

Even though Sebastian Bach returned at the end of Season 8 for a rip-rolling close, there are no celebrity cameos in Season 9.  (Although with the recent announcement and photos of Snoop Dogg appearing in Season 10, all will be remedied soon!)

SNOOP DOGG WITH BUBBLES

The premise of the season goes thusly:  Julian and Ricky are out of jail again, to find the park has been turned into a senior’s residence called Sunnyvale Villas!  Jim Lahey, sober as a judge, has retired and hired ex-S.A.S. officer Col. Leslie Dancer, a “highly decorated war hero”, to run the park and enforce the rules.  Liquor is forbidden.  And so is Ricky.  And pointedly, only Ricky.

Bubbles runs a local business in the park, a food stand that serves Taco Tuesday pretty much all week, because the seniors don’t know what day it is most of the time.  Julian returns very disappointed, that Bubbles could let the park turn to shit so quickly.  It’s not really Bubs’ fault though, since Col. Dancer (a former alcoholic himself) runs the place like an army barracks.  But there’s something fishy about Col. Leslie Dancer.  His war stories don’t add up.  Was he really a Colonel?

The season takes a good number of episodes to get going.  Even the awaited birth of Trinity’s first child (Ricky’s first grandchild) was underwhelming.  While a good number of laughs comes from this situation, such as Ricky having to buy baby supplies, it ultimately just leads to more confrontations between Rick and industrial cock inhaler George Green, who is still banging Lucy.  Corey and Jacob remain a funny team, but J-Roc is sidelined by a son he never knew.  Unfortunately this too was an unfunny situation that didn’t do anything for the season or characters.  Only after the boys went hunting for a Sam-Squanch did I really have some belly-laughs.

HUNTING FOR SAMSQUANCH

Ricky’s best line:  “I’m in charge of fuckin’ over the park when it gets appraisaled today.   As luck would half it, it’s piss jug season.”

As usual, the ultimate stakes for the residents is control of the park.  This means getting Lahey back on the liquor, and subverting Col. Dancer.  Does Julian have a plan, and if so can he pull it off?   You’ll have to make it to the end of the season in order to find out.  Unfortunately this is something that some of my friends have failed to do.

While Season 9 ended better than it started, I was left confounded by the unfunny episodes and storylines.  I think Season 9 could actually be the first truly disappointing season.  Here’s hoping for better in the 10th.

3/5 stars

REVIEW: Trailer Park Boys – Season 8 (Netflix)

NEW RELEASE

TRAILER PARK BOYS – Season 8 (2014 Netflix)

Thank Santa’s tits! It was with tremendous joy that I watched the long-awaited Season 8 from the Trailer Park Boys this past weekend. I watched five episodes on Saturday night, and five more Sunday morning. Then on Monday, I re-watched my favourite episode, “Orangie’s Pretty Fuckin’ Tough”. As a long time fan, to say that I am pleased is an understatement. I am thrilled. Knowing in advance that a couple characters weren’t coming back (Ray and Trevor are no longer on the show), everything I wanted out of the show was there. There are even a couple new characters, who look like they may be important in the already finished Season 9.

TPB2

As if there was no pause at all, Season 8 feels like classic Trailer Park Boys, immediately. Some new characters are introduced, such as Don, who joins Randy as the new Assistant Supervisor. “Officer Highcock”, another new face, is no George Green. He’s smart. But fear not, George Green is back too, although Lahey is approaching retirement.

Trinity is tending bar at Julian’s new in-park club/gym, “The Dirty Dancer”. Bubbles is building his “Shed & Breakfast” for humans and cats. Julian and Ricky have numerous schemes on the go. Ricky’s growing dope at a mad rate, and refining it into honey oil, by special order of Sebastian Bach. He’s also realized that he can use hash as currency almost anywhere: on the bus, at the hardware store, or the dentist’s office. Seems just about everybody accepts Ricky’s $2 hash coins!

There’s also plenty of shady horsecockery. Cyrus and Sam Losco are working together again, and they want to buy the park and bulldoze it to the ground. The only solution is for Julian and Barb Lahey to work together to keep it. Needing capital, Julian sets into motion businesses and schemes galore. Steve Rogers returns for a hell of a bachelor party at Julian’s bar, attracting the attention of the cops.

ORANGIE

Ricky’s life is complicated by some unexpected news. The only thing holding him together is Orangie.  My buddy Chris and I agree on this:   the best element of Season 8 has to be Ricky’s goldfish, Orangie.  Ricky loves to party with him, and takes him everywhere in a bowl with ORANGIE scrawled on it in magic marker.  Ricky’s car now has a sun roof (of sorts), which functions as Orangie’s swimming pool after it rains.  Ricky wakes one morning to find Orangie unresponsive:  “Orangie, you finally passed out in the pool, did you buddy?”  When Bubbles asks what happened, Ricky explains: “We got fucked up on hash tokes and shooters.   Orangie’s pretty fucking tough.  Woke up this morning with my fucking pants down and my hands on my cock, thanks to Orangie.”  Now it’s up to Bubbles to replace Orangie before Ricky realizes the fish is dead.  As if minding a goldfish isn’t enough, Ricky also decides to turn his trailer into a hockey rink.

Bubbles’ doesn’t have it easy either. Due to a complex series of events regarding Steve Rogers, hookers, crabs, and Bubbles’ shed(s), he goes nucking futs at a drug store and is sentenced to community service. Where Ricky has Orangie for support, Bubbles turns to his new puppets…Bobby Turkelino, and little Ricky! And you know what happens when you mix Bubbles and puppets.

The story arc in this season was hilarious, with only one dud in the bunch (I’ll let you figure out which).  Some story points hint at what may be coming in Season 9, and that has me anticipating more hilarity.  Hopefully, Orangie will make an appearance in Season 9.  With a few more trips to the pet store, Bubbles should be able to make that happen.  Trailer Park Boys is off to a hell of a new start, and with the progress made in Season 8, I see no need to stop.

4.5/5 stars

Review by LeBrain with contributions from Chris Thuss.

My series of Trailer Park Boys TV reviews:

IMG_20140712_183919Part one: Seasons 1 & 2
Part two: Season 3
Part three: Season 4
Supplimental: “Dear Santa Claus, Go Fuck Yourself”
Part four: Season 5
Part five: Season 6
Part six: Season 7
Part seven: “Say Goodnight to the Bad Guys”