Author: mikeladano

Metal, hard rock, rock and roll! Record Store Tales & Reviews! Grab A Stack of Rock and more. Poking the bear since 2010.

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’: Edie vs. Tommy Lee in the Bouncy Castle of Doom!

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’ [MarriedandHeels]

prelude

Fanboy Mike sat on the porch of the cottage at midnight on this July night.  It was still warm; too warm for slumber.  Unable to sleep, he thought he may as well get up.  Sipping his drink, Fanboy was content, if restless.  There was nothing in the air but the sound of crickets.  He breathed deeply, inhaling the sweet country air.  Insomnia sucked but there was no better place in the world to have insomnia.  If only his friend, Edie Van Heelin’, was here to enjoy it with him.  He knew that his high-heeled, animal-loving rock star would love it.  He hadn’t seen her in a while.  He missed their adventures.  Crazy times, they had.  There was the time that aliens blew up her hot tub.  There was another time she ended up stuck on a UFO with Tommy Lee.  Mike chuckled to himself thinking about it.

Taking a deep sip of decaf, Fanboy Mike decided to take a late night stroll.  He put his mug down and grabbed his headlight.  He strode down the porch steps, into the night.  He took a few steps forward and sensed rustling in the trees.

“Just a skunk or racoon,” he reasoned.  “Nothing to be afraid of.”  He heard a branch snap and then turned on his headlight.  Mike jumped back in shock.

Right in front of him was a green alien.  Fanboy wanted to scream, but the alien stunned him with a beam that rendered him silent.  There was a flash of light, and then quiet.  Both Mike and the alien had disappeared.

EDIE VAN HEELIN’ vs. TOMMY LEE in the BOUNCY CASTLE OF DOOM

CHAPTER 1

In California, Edie Van Heelin’ was just finishing up tucking her little ones into bed.  It had been a busy month.  In addition to playing guitar in her critically acclaimed Van Halen tribute band Van Heelin’, she had also become a guardian of animals.  It seemed like every waking moment involved rescuing some animals in distress.  Not that she minded.  The only thing she loved more than the animals was her own family.  It had been a busy month, but Edie was now going to indulge herself with some hot tea, and husband time.  Mr. Van Heelin’ was cuing up the next episode of the Sopranos in their big marathon.

“Ready?” he asked with his finger gingerly poised on the remote.

“Ready!” said Edie eagerly.

It was at that exact moment their evening was interrupted by the noise of techno music.  Bad techno music.  If you could even call it music.  What they heard was little more than amateurish noise, far removed from the excellent music they usually enjoyed.  Loud beats and shrieking sirens with no direction; just pure idiotic noise.  Mr. and Mrs. Van Heelin’ plugged their ears and frowned.

“What the heck is that?” shouted Mr. Van Heelin’.

“I better go look outside!” shouted Edie back.

Mrs. Van Heelin’ put on her brand new pair of silver platform boots, and stepped outside onto the lawn.  Looking up, she saw the source of the noise.

“Not these guys again!” she shouted in exasperation.  A UFO was flying wildly overhead, polluting the skies with the noise of that terrible techno music.

“Time to be a superhero?” asked Mr. Van Heelin’.  He was getting used to her always being on a mission to save somebody.

“Afraid so!” she shouted back.  “It’s those damn aliens again!”

Mr. Van Heelin’ came out to give her a good luck kiss.  “Get home safe!  I’ll keep the Sopranos where we left it.”

With that, Edie clicked the heels of her boots together.  They suddenly fired to life!  Edie’s new rocket boots were a gift from a tech-wizard fan from the snowy climbs of Northern Ontario Canada; she just couldn’t wait to give them a test flight.  She saluted her husband as she lifted off into the night.

CHAPTER 2

“Woooooo!” shouted Edie in glee, as she rocketed through the black skies of California.  These new rocket boots were awesome!  They were fast and she could easily catch up to that mad UFO.  Nobody was about to ruin her night with crap techno music.  Although now that she was starting to think about it, she got a bad feeling about the whole situation.

“Bad techno…why does that remind me of something?  I can’t quite place my finger on it.”

She flew closer and closer to the alien ship.  The saucer gleamed silver in the starlight.  Edie began to slow her speed, as she didn’t want to rush this mission.  Caution was in order.

“I know what to do,” said Edie.  “I’m going to call Fanboy Mike.  He knows everything about music.  Maybe he even knows something about this really bad techno crap.  I’ll let him hear it – I bet he can tell me what’s up.”

Edie reached into her utility belt and found her phone.  She dialed up Fanboy Mike.  She had just spoken to him earlier tonight and she knew he was at his cottage with Mrs. Fanboy.  It was late, but he would understand the urgency.  He’s dealt with these nasty aliens before too.

The phone rang.  No answer.  “He must be asleep,” said Edie as she hit redial.

Mrs. Fanboy answered groggily.  “Hello?”

“Oh, hey Jen.  Is Mike around?  I know it’s late but this is urgent.”

There was a silence from the other end.

“Oh my goodness he’s not here!  He’s gone!  His coffee mug is on the front porch but he’s gone!”

This wasn’t good.  “Don’t worry Jen.  I’m on the case.  I’ll find our Fanboy and get him home safe.  Don’t you worry!”

Edie hung up and wondered if there was a connection between these annoying aliens and her beloved special fan?  Deciding not to waste any further time, Edie hit the afterburners on her rocket boots.  Soon she had overtaken the aliens and landed on their ship’s upper hull.  Her rocket boots had many features, including electro-magnetic soles!  She activated the magnets and was now firmly standing on the ship.

The wind whipped her hair straight back.  Now she had to figure out how to enter.

Edie began crawling over the surface of the ship. She found what appeared to be an upper hatch but it was locked shut.  She tried to open it with her fingers but failed.

“Broke a nail!” she complained.  “Whoever’s flying this thing will have to pay.”

Edie searched her utility belt and found something useful.  “Speaking of nails…” she smiled as she hoisted a titanium nail file from her belt.  She wedged it between the panels of the ship.  “This oughtta do the trick!”  Within seconds, she had triggered the panel to slide open beneath her.  Edie fell and landed, superhero style, in the hallway of the spacecraft.  She reached back into her utility belt and found a Toy Story band aid to cover her broken nail.

“Seen one, seen ‘em all,” said Edie as she examined her UFO surroundings.  “It’s even louder in here!” she complained as she plugged her ears.  “No problem though.”  Edie searched her belt again and found her special earplugs, very high tech.  They filtered out the noise but allowed her to pick up other sounds.  Soon the techno music was rendered down to a simple but stupid “thump thump thump”.

“This is the worst, dumbest music I’ve ever heard,” complained Edie.  “Nowhere near as good as Prodigy, Chemical Brothers or Daft Punk!  You have to be a real cement head to make this kind of music!”  Fortunately the earplugs were doing their job.  Time to come up with a plan.

Edie Van Heelin’ had many weapons in her arsenal.  Unfortunately she left her electric guitar at home, so a battle of music was not going to happen this time.  She did, however, have her army of animals at her command.

“Time to bring this adventure down to Earth!” said Edie.  She knew just the animal to help.  She concentrated deeply and focused on the mighty American eagle.  “Help me eagles!  We need to ground this spaceship right away!”

Within minutes, her call was answered!  A huge flock of American eagles descended upon the UFO.  They flapped their mighty wings, all the while tolerating the horrible techno music.  Inch by inch, the spacecraft began its descent.

Inside, Edie Van Heelin’ prepared for impact.  She braced herself against the walls of the craft.  She could feel that the craft was fighting to stay aloft, but the eagles were winning.  Soon they’d be down.  Then Edie would be fighting these aliens on her own terms.

The landing was surprisingly soft given it was a battle between eagle and alien.  The craft shuddered and shook, and soon became motionless.  If not for that damned techno music, she’d have thought nobody was home.  But that music made it clear, somebody here was having a party.  If so, she needed some help.

“Vim!  Vigor!  To my side!”  Edie summoned her animal allies.  A few moments passed, and she was soon joined by two, big gray squirrels:  Vim and Vigor!  They entered the UFO through the top hatch and joined Edie, chasing each other around her.

“Settle down boys!” said Edie.  “We’re on a mission!”  The two squirrels stood on their haunches, alert and waiting for their next command.

Edie knew the layout of this model of UFO.  She knew where the bridge was.  “Follow me!” she commanded the squirrels.  Vim and Vigor followed her as she ran in her platform boots through the corridor.  Edie remembered last time she had to storm the control room of a UFO.  She was with that idiot Tommy Lee.  “What a goof that guy was,” she said to herself.

The techno music was deafeningly loud inside the UFO.  Strangely though, it was quieter up by the control room.  She expected that to be the source of the music.  Edie and the squirrels stood on either side of the control room door.  “You go right, I go left!” she commanded.  Vim and Vigor nodded in understanding.  With a finger wrapped in a band-aid, Edie signaled them and kicked open the door with her platforms.

Vim, Vigor and Edie Van Heelin’ stormed the control room.  An empty control room?

“What the…?” asked Edie.  “Nobody flying this thing?”  The two squirrels were as perplexed as she was.

“Come on guys!” she commanded.  “Follow the noise!  There’s gotta be someone here on this thing.  But even if there isn’t, we’re turning off this amateur techno nonsense!”  The two squirrels nodded in agreement and scooted on down the hallway, following Edie and the sound of the techno.

CHAPTER 3

Edie and her Squirrel Team 1 navigated the labyrinthine corridors, following the music.  It grew louder and louder.  The team noticed the hallways becoming messier and messier.  Spilled liquids, underwear, and dirt lined the corridors.  Underwear?  Leopard spotted g-strings?

“I have a bad feeling about this,” said Edie.

A loud shout was heard down the hall, dead ahead.  “YEAH DUUUUUUUUDE!”

“Oh, shit,” said Edie, letting out a rare swear word.  “Not him.”

She sighed as the trio reached a closed door.  The door was vibrating with bass.  She nodded to the squirrels, and kicked the door open with a mighty boot.  She didn’t even have to look inside to know who was behind this noise.

“Thomas Lee Bass,” she announced.  “By the authority of the Earth Animal Protection Squad, the three of us are arresting you for excessive noise!”  She paused a moment and added, “Plus crappy techno music!  The Prodigy, that’s more like it.  This crap, you can stuff it up your…oh my.”

What Edie saw in that room cannot be explained in mere words.

“Welcome to the Bouncy Castle, dude!” said a nude Tommy Lee, with food smeared on his body and wearing a helmet with three dildos protruding from it.  The room was a cacophony of noise, sex toys, booze and mess.  There was a huge drum kit in the corner with giant boob-drums.  There were bottles everywhere around, and dirty clothes hanging from every piece of furniture.  Edie’s two squirrels placed their paws over their ears trying to dampen the awful sound.

“We could make better techno music, and we don’t even have hands!” Vim said in Squirrelese to Vigor.  Vigor nodded in disgusted agreement.

Tommy bounced up and down on his bed.  His wiener bounced with him.  “Yeah dude it’s time to party!” screamed an inebriated Lee.  Then he stopped bouncing.  His wiener thudded against his knee as he came to a halt.  “Wait a minute…I know you, dude!”  Tommy jumped off the bed.  “You’re that Edie Van Heelin’ chick!  So damn hot!  Come here baby let me show you what love is like in the Bouncy Castle!”  Tommy removed his penis helmet, ready for love.

Edie tried not to barf.  “Umm, no, no, and just no.  What the hell is the ‘bouncy castle’?  Just…put on some pants and turn this music down.  You may be a great drummer but you suck at techno, Tommy.”

Suddenly Tommy’s demeanor changed.  He was no longer the party-hardy California boy from the Sunset Strip.  His face took on a darker tone.  His eyes gleamed.

“Who are you, the Fun Police?  No way am I turning this down, Negative Nancy!”  Tommy reached for a remote control and turned the music up.

Edie and the squirrels reached for their ears again.  This was too much!  But without hesitation or instruction, Vim and Vigor jumped on top of Tommy!  Vim scratched at his nose while Vigor slapped the remote from his hands.  Vigor brought the controller to Edie.  She searched for the volume control.

“What the…this control only has volume up!  No volume down!  What the heck is wrong with you Tommy?!”

“Come here baby and I’ll show you exactly what’s wrong with me!”  His dick stood at attention.  Vim dropped down from his head and hung onto to Tommy’s wiener like a tree branch.

“OWWW!” screamed Tommy in pain.  “My junk!”  Tommy tried to shake the squirrels off his body but was no use, as Vigor then leaped up to scratch his balls.

“MY BALLS!” screamed Tommy.  “Not my balls!”  Tommy fell to the ground in pain.

“Turn off the music Lee, or I’ll have them playing trapeze from your nutsack!” threatened Edie.

“OK!  OK!  Truce!!”  The drummer/techno musician killed the power with a switch next to his bed.  “I was just partying with the aliens, what’s the big deal?” he asked from his position on the floor.

“The big deal is we could hear you all the way from the foothills of California!  Don’t you have any consideration for other people?” scolded Edie.  The two squirrels shook a paw at him.

“What other people?” asked Tommy in a confused state.  “Are you talking about that dude we picked up in Canada tonight?”

Edie stopped in her tracks.  “What ‘dude’ are you talking about?”

CHAPTER 4

Tommy rubbed his sore nuts.

“What ‘dude’ are you talking about, Tommy?” repeated Edie Van Heelin’.

Tommy massaged his head, where the squirrel had been dangling from him.  “Some Canadian dude, dude!  Me and the aliens were partying and I said, ‘hey dudes, you know what we need, we need a hard core Motley Crue fan to party hard with us!’  So we found him and he’s around here somewhere.”

“Around here somewhere?  Where the heck did you leave him?” asked Edie, becoming more and more upset.  Her two squirrels echoed her concern with squirrel chatter.

Tommy scratched his head.  “I can’t remember dude!” he answered.  “But does it matter?  He’s fine.  How about you and me test out the springs on this bed?”

Edie looked incredibly frustrated.  “Vim…Vigor…you keep an eye on him while I go look for Fanboy Mike.”  The two squirrels nodded in understanding as Edie ran out of the room.

“These ships are huge,” she said as she ran.  “How am I going to find him?”

She searched room after room.  The ship seemed deserted, except for Tommy.  No aliens to be found, not even one.  She was puzzled.

“Where did all the aliens go?  And what did they do with Fanboy Mike?”

Edie continued to wander the halls until she had an idea.  If Fanboy Mike was here and free to move about, then there’s one place he might have gone.  Edie went down to the lower levels, the engine rooms.  Because the engines on these spacecraft were so loud, the engine room was the only one that was soundproofed.  And that would be the perfect place to escape Tommy’s music.

With a kick, Edie knocked in the engine room door.

Fanboy Mike was seated cross legged on the floor, across from an alien, both playing a board game.  The alien stared at her, as if mad that she interrupted their game of Monopoly.  Fanboy got up and ran to give Edie a big hug.  “Edie Van Heelin’?  Boy am I glad to see you!”

“I missed you, Fanboy!” said Edie as they embraced.  “Are you OK?”

Mike continued to hug as he spoke.  “It was awful Edie…the music…his music…it’s so terrible!”  A tear began to well up in his eye.  “Thanks for saving me…that Tommy Lee is such a moron!  He and this alien – the alien’s name is Fillmore, by the way – they grabbed me for a party.  At first I thought it would be cool, I thought we’d be listening to rock music and hanging out with stars.  But instead Tommy started playing that awful techno of his!  So bad that the other aliens all abandoned ship.  Have you heard it?  It’s not good!”

Edie grimaced.  “Oh, I’m afraid I’ve heard it alright!  Now let’s get you to safety.”

The alien spoke.  “Fillmore, at your service.  Fillmore West!”

She nodded towards Fillmore.  “Nice to meet you!” she said to the alien.  “Now let’s hustle, Mike!”

CHAPTER 5

Edie and Fanboy raced back up to the control room, where Vim and Vigor were holding Tommy down on the bed.  Tommy screeched in frustration.

“Come on, furry dudes!  I just wanna jerk off!  That Edie chick gives me a huge boner!”

This time, Edie really did barf.

“Oh come on Tommy,” said Fanboy.  “That’s just gross!”  Edie recovered and added, “Really disgusting, Thomas!”

“Let’s get out of here,” Fanboy said to Edie.  “Leave him here with his…whatever the hell this is.”

“You’re in the Bouncy Castle, dude!” exclaimed Tommy to Fanboy.  Then suddenly he jumped behind his giant boob-drum kit.  “Wanna jam?”

Edie shook her head no, but Fanboy touched her on the shoulder.

“Can we jam with Tommy before we leave?  His techno may suck but I’m still a big Motley Crue fan.”

Edie sighed.  “Fine…but only for you, Fanboy.  Only for you.”  She turned to Tommy at his boob kit.  “Do you know any good music, Tommy?

Tommy’s eyes lit up in glee.  “Yeah dude!  How about some Cream?  Let’s jam ‘White Room’!”

“Finally, something we can agree on,” said Edie.  She grabbed a guitar from the corner of the room, while Fanboy picked up a bass.

“1, 2, 3…” counted in Tommy.

With that, Edie Van Heelin’ began singing.  “In the white room, with black curtains, near the station…”

CHAPTER 6

By the end of the evening, Edie Van Heelin’ had rocked ‘em all.

“Time to go Tommy,” she said as she placed the guitar back on its stand.  “I hope you learned something this time.”

“Yeah dude!” exclaimed Tommy.  “I learned the lyrics to ‘White Room’!  How does it go again?”

Edie and Fanboy each smacked their heads.  The two squirrels placed their paws over their mouths as they laughed at Tommy Lee.

“I better take you home,” said Edie to Fanboy.  “Jen is really worried about you.”  The group of humans and rodents excited the craft through a lower ramp, activated by Fillmore.  “Vim and Vigor, thanks for your help tonight.  Couldn’t have done it without you!”  The two squirrels chattered in glee as they escaped into the night.

“Hey Edie…before we go…” said a bashful Fanboy.

“Yes?” she asked patiently.

“It’s just that, you know…I’m just a big fanboy at heart, you know?  It was fun to jam tonight, and I really appreciate it.  Do you think…could you bring me with you on your next adventure?  I wanna be the Morty to your Rick.”

“Is that a cartoon reference?  Right over my head, Mike,” said a confused Edie.

“It means I wanna be your sidekick, rock star!  The Robin to your Batman!”

Edie got that reference.  Her eyes lit up with glee.

“Of course!  At first I thought you were going to ask something creepy, like Tommy Lee!”  They laughed together at the absurdity of the night they just had.  “You got it,” said Edie.  “Very next adventure.  You can be my sidekick.”

Fanboy’s face glowed with happiness.  “Freakin’ awesome!  I’ve graduated from fanboy to sidekick!”

“I think my team just added a new member!” said Edie.  Welcome aboard, Fanboy!  Now hold tight.  Long way back to Canada!”

With that, Edie Van Heelin’ activated her rocket-heel boots, and jetted into the sky.  Another mission accomplished!

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS:  PHASE THREE – THE UNICRON SAGA

  • Chapter One:  A New Beginning

 

SPINOFFS AND SIDE QUESTS

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

The Adventures of Tee Bone Man Chapter 10: The Case of the Lost Iron Maiden Socks

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN CHAPTER TEN:  THE CASE OF THE LOST IRON MAIDEN SOCKS

 

Tee Bone Man and Superdekes pulled into the garage of Deke’s Palace having just seen Iron Maiden in Toronto.

“Wicked concert eh pal?” said Deke to his best friend.

“Best concert yet man!” answered Tee Bone Man.

“When Dickinson shot those flamethrowers from his hands in ‘Flight of Icarus’, I did not see that coming,” responded Superdekes.

“And how about those Maiden socks that I bought at the concession stand?” asked Tee Bone. “Best part of the trip in my opinion!”

Deke laughed. “Yeah man! Glad you got them.  Remember that bald guy we met at the concession stands, Aaron?”

“Yeah!  The tall guy from Owen Sound with the deep voice,” recalled Tee Bone.

“He said something about not buying merch from that one vendor, but I don’t know why.  He had the best prices at the concert,” said Deke.  “Must be a Southern Ontario thing.”

Tee Bone nodded in agreement.

The pair began unpacking their bags. Tee Bone found his precious Iron Maiden socks, and held them up to get a good look. Eddie’s eyes gleamed in red thread.  Tee Bone smiled a wide smile. “Best socks ever!” he said to Dekes. Deke shrugged. Whatever made him happy! Tee Bone sat down, removed his shoes and socks, and put on his new Maiden pair. “Ahhhh!” he moaned in comfort as he stretched his feet out in front of him. “So comfortable!”

“It is hard to find good socks in Thunder Bay. Hey, I got an idea,” said Superdekes trying to change the subject. “How about some Scotch on the rocks?”

“That sounds like an excellent idea!” Tee Bone exclaimed in response. And so their night had just begun, for no-one could tie one on like Tee Bone and Superdekes. As usual the evening began with a clink of glasses and ended with two blacked out adult men, passed out in the basement of Deke’s Palace.

 

 

 

Morning.

With a gaping wide yawn, Tee Bone Man awoke from his alcohol induced slumber.  He opened his eyes and looked around him.  There was his best friend Deke on the airchair, sleeping with his glasses still on his face.  Next to him on the end table was an empty bottle of Scotch (the good stuff) and several empty glasses.  Tee Bone blinked and rubbed his eyes trying to get them to focus.  Man, he got hammered last night.

Tee Bone checked to make sure all his limbs were still intact.  Fingers and toes were functional.  As he slowly gained awareness, he realized his feet were cold.  He looked at his bare feet and…bare feet?  Where did his precious Maiden socks go?

He ran over to the armchair.  “Deke!  Deke!” he shook his friend awake.  Deke slowly opened his eyes and focused on his friend.  “What?  What?  Jeez man what is it?”

“My socks are gone!” answered Tee Bone in panicked haste.  “They were on my feet and now they’re not!”

“Easy man, easy.  Just put on the other pair you were wearing yesterday, I’m sure they’re still OK, you didn’t party in that pair.”

“No no!” yelled Tee Bone.  “We have to find my preciouses!” he proclaimed.  “They’re around here somewhere!”

“They’ll turn up!” reasoned Deke.  “We didn’t go anywhere last night.  Now chill.  Let’s make some eggs.”

“No eggs!” yelled Tee Bone,  “Not until we find my precious socks!  No other socks will go on my feet until they are found!”

“You OK buddy?” asked Deke.  “I haven’t seen you this, errr, agitated since before you took your vacation at camp.”

“What vacation?  I didn’t take a vacation I went squirrel hunting,” said Tee Bone to a very confused Deke.  “No time to waste.  Now we’re hunting socks.  Let’s go Deke.  Up up up.”

“Fine!” said Deke as his got out of the armchair with a groan, “We’ll find your damn socks.”

“My precious socks!” corrected Tee Bone.

The pair began an organized search, room by room, starting with the main lounge.  Then the washrooms, kitchen, and garage.

Tee Bone made his way to Deke’s flying motorcycle.  He began inspecting the side compartments.

“Woah buddy, careful there!” cautioned Deke.  “You know I keep some pretty powerful gadgets on my bike.  Careful how you dig.”

Tee Bone ignored him and kept digging.

“Buddy, why are you digging through my bike’s storage compartments anyway?  Your socks are not in there.”

“How do I know you didn’t take them?  How do I know you didn’t hide them here?” mumbled an increasingly unhinged Tee Bone Man as he continued his thorough search of Deke’s bike.

Deke breathed calmly before he spoke.  “Buddy…pal…you know I didn’t take your socks.  If I needed Iron Maiden socks that badly, I’m sure I can buy some on eBay.  Now let’s go check the record shelves.  You know how you sometimes like to throw your socks off when you’re dancing at a party.  Maybe you did that.”

“NO!” shouted Tee Bone.  Deke was surprised to see his friend’s eyes were lit up like the eyes of Eddie himself.  Something was clearly infecting the mind of Tee Bone.  Deke maintained his calm and just analyzed the situation.  He had already been alarmed when Tee Bone kept calling the socks his “precious”.  That was frighteningly too similar to a movie they once saw several years back.  Could the socks be possessing the mind of his friend like that movie he couldn’t remember the name of?  It had some little guys and some regular sized guys and a wizard with a big grey hat.

Deke came up with a strategy.  “OK pal.  No problem.  Let me help you search the garage.”

“Fine” harrumphed Tee Bone Man, now hunched over the bike like a grotesque malformed goblin, picking the bones of a dead animal.

Deke cautiously walked over to his weapons shelf.  He carefully picked up a gun-shaped device and aimed at his friend.

“I’m sorry,” he said as he pulled the trigger.

Evening.

Tee Bone Man awoke once more, but with a raging headache that rivalled every Scotch he ever consumed.  He blinked his eyes open, but his vision was totally blurred.  He could vaguely make out two figures standing over him.

“Sorry I had to stun ya pal,” said the voice of Deke before him.  “It had to be done.  You’re all good now.  It doesn’t feel so good, but you’re gonna be OK.  We found your socks.”

“We?” asked Tee Bone Man.

“Hey bro!” said a new voice from a blurred form coming into view.

“Darr??  Is that you?” asked Tee Bone of his brother.

“Yeah, it’s me man!” answered the handsome young Darr.  “You guys invited me over for some Scotch last night remember?  Boy did you get ripped, man.  You and Deke both!  Especially Deke!  I had to get back home, but I took the initiative to clean up a bit for you before I left.”

Deke continued the story.  “Those Iron Maiden socks you bought?  Cursed, man.  That’s why they were on sale at the one concession stand that had no lineup.  All their items are possessed.  That’s the catch.  That Aaron guy tried to warn us, but we didn’t listen.  Whoops.”

Tee Bone shook his head.  “That’s right, my socks.  I…don’t feel the need for them anymore.  But this morning…all I could think about were my Maiden socks.  They were definitely missing.  I remember that much.  That’s what I don’t understand.  Where did they go?”

Darr picked up the story.  “Laundry, man!  Deke was already completely blacked out.  Don’t you remember?  It was you and me with Deke in the armchair, and you were all like, ‘Hey everybody watch me do this Open Door Piss!’  And you dribbled all over the floor and your socks.  So I took them up to the laundry.”

Tee Bone had no memory of any of this!  “But where are the socks right now, and why am I not crazy for them at the moment?”

Deke smiled.  “Darr came over this morning to check up on us, and he told me where they were.  As soon as I found them in the dryer, I burned them in the fires of Mount Deke.”

Mount Deke was the name of their firepit out back of course, so named because of the unusually large chimney.

“Wow…thanks guys.  What would have happened to me if you didn’t destroy the socks??”

“Well, we’re not sure exactly,” answered Darr.  “Deke had a theory that you might have transformed into a little grey creature, always obsessing over the power the socks had over you.  Forever.”  Deke nodded in somber agreement.

“The lesson here is never buy discount socks!” summed up Deke.

The three laughed together in relieved comradery.  Darr had saved the day and his brother, and maybe Tee Bone would have to write a song, an ode to Darr, for him one day….

The end

#1026: Fakin’ It

All yesterday, I faked that I was in a good mood.

I’m pretty good at it. I have 12 years of retail experience under my belt.

Not everything is going according to plan. We have water and mold in our storage locker. All my books…all my action figures…all my treasures.

Good thing I’m good at faking it.

Other things have not been working out as I envisioned either. But hey, a new Metallica is coming. I guess I can file that with the last two that I can’t remember the songs from!

#1025: @MarriedAndHeels

As I put reviews on hiatus indefinitely, I would like to introduce you to my friend MarriedAndHeels.

MarriedAndHeels is a new friend of mine from Glendora California.  She is a runner, a fashion model and a cancer survivor.

Because nobody is reading my reviews anymore (into which I put a lot of hard work), I have also been writing fiction.  MarriedAndHeels has been an inspiration here, and you will see our new fictional projects come to life very soon.  Not all of it will be published publicly, but I guarantee that our creative collaborations will give me something to do this winter and they will, they will, rock you.

Stay tuned and look for more MarriedAndHeels right here!  If you like her content, click below.

Marco D’Auria and Tim Durling are Creatures of the Night! Box set dissected, bootleg DVDs examined, and Harrison questioned!

Marco, Tim and I had a blast taking a deep dive into Kiss’ Creatures of the Night album, box set, and tour!  Marco presented a collection of four Kiss bootlegs from the Creatures era.  Tim brought the vinyl and cassettes.  He even had a related 8-track tape.  I dove deep into the Kiss box set:  the book, the goodies, the music, the stories and the packaging!  (For those asking me for a box set review, this is pretty much it!)  Additionally, Uncle Meat stopped by with his memories of seeing the Creatures tour at Maple Leaf Gardens in Toronto.  Finally, “Ask Harrison” returned with two of the best questions for my Aussie co-host yet.  Harrison doesn’t have much in the way of Kiss but did present some interesting stuff in terms of Slade, Deep Purple, Def Leppard, and more.

“Ask Harrison” questions this time were asked by Lana (via Tee Bone) and our newest castmember, an actual Instagram influencer with 200,000 followers who discovered our Led Zeppelin list episode earlier this year, became a fan, and wanted to be a part of our little show herself! Please give her a big welcome.

Next week I’ll be doing a taping with Grant Arthur from Grant’s Rock Warehaus, but we’ll be back again soon.  Thanks for watching!

Creatures of the Night! Contrarians Marco D’Auria and Tim Durling Grab Stacks of KISS tonight with Mike and the Mad Metal Man! – 7:00 P.M. E.S.T.

GRAB A STACK OF ROCK…with Mike and the Mad Metal Man
Episode 5: Special guests Marco D’Auria and Tim Durling

Week five of Grab a Stack of Rock, and the Kiss Creatures of the Night box set has finally arrived!  And it’s awesome – the best Kiss box set to date.  We’ll tell you why tonight.  Additionally, Marco D’Auria and Tim Durling from the Contrarians will be on hand to show off some of their own Kiss goodies.  D’ya think Tim will have 8-track tapes?  What are the odds?

The popular “Ask Harrison” feature also returns, with two of the best questions yet.  Let’s hope our boy from Australia is ready!

Friday November 25 at 7:00 P.M. E.S.T. Enjoy on YouTube or on Facebook.

 

#1024: Where were you when Freddie died? When Eric died?

Lunch With Ladano yesterday was regarding the events of November 23, 1991.  The announcement that Freddie Mercury had AIDS, the worst kept secret in rock. Do you remember?

 

#1023: “Just the pieces of the man I used to be”

RECORD STORE TALES #1023: “Just the pieces of the man I used to be”

You never know how it’s gonna go.

You roll out of bed feeling like a winner, and then suddenly for absolutely no reason, that completely changes and you’re struggling to break even.

Maybe it’s the pressures of modern life.  The hustle and the bustle.  The need to get things done, even though you’re behind and energy is in short supply.

The feeling of loneliness even though you are not alone.  There’s a dark place in your heart, only inhabited by you, that no one can break into.  It’s not that you can’t let them in.  It’s that you don’t even know how to open that door.  Of if you actually want to.  If you’d prefer to be alone.

The daily monotony, the commute, the cold, the damp.

The fact that all the hours of daylight happen when you’re in an office doing your daily grind.

The pressure and drive to do something important, to be someone who matters.  To make a difference.  To be somebody…anybody…but who you are.

Somehow, a sad song helps.  There’s something about a sad song that can pry its way into your soul.  Provide sympathy.  Warmth.  Help you dry the tears.  That tells you someone out there is feeling the exact same way you do.  It’s as if someone in the world knows you, just as well as you know yourself.

You could be in a room full of happy celebrations, and feel so alone, so completely down, yet have to fake it to make it.

One of the worst winters of my younger life was the winter of ’95-96.  I had just been dumped by my first real serious girlfriend.  I put on a brave face and for a few days, I thought I had weathered the storm.  I listened to “classic British hard blues” that week and felt super strong.  The crash came later.  One of the albums that helped me through that winter was Queen’s Made In Heaven.  The final album with Freddie.  Though there is some undeniable dark material on the album, such as “Mother Love”, and “Too Much Love Will Kill You”, I was amazed at how positive some of the other songs such as “Heaven For Everyone” were.  The album was like a journey through my own convoluted feelings.

“I’m just the pieces of the man I used to be,
Too many bitter tears are raining down on me.”

Yet on the same album:

“In these days of cold affections,
You sit by me and everything’s fine.”

What will the album for the winter of 2022 be?  For the last several years, I’ve been digging deep down into the albums that made me happy as a youth.

“Listen! They said I didn’t stand a chance,
I wouldn’t win no way,
But I’ve got news for you,
There’s nothing I can’t do!”

It was a different time.  There was misery, but nothing can duplicate that feeling of hearing a song for the first time.  A song that you know means something to you.  That is destined to stick with you for your whole life.  And when you put those records on again, a million things start happening in your head.  You can be 12 or 13 again.  A time when the real problems of life were completely unknown to you and the biggest issue you had was figuring out how to talk to the girl you liked.

Like a phantom of a dream, old songs make the memories real again.  As you wipe a tear from your eye, you remember.  It can help sooth the sadness.

Sometimes you just have to cry it out, whatever it is.  Hell, I don’t know what it is exactly.  I just know it sucks.

They say that life never hands you anything you can’t handle.  I don’t know about that.  History is rife with people who could not handle what life has given them.  I think I can – but it’s never simple, straightforward, or obvious how to do it.

So I write.

It’s the only thing I’m really good at.  The only thing people really notice about me.

I write in the hopes that someone will understand.

That someone will relate.

That someone can take what I have experienced and draw something good from it.

And that maybe I’ll get some of that goodness back.

This winter has been pretty good.  My strategies are working.  My support personnel are solid.  But there will always be days where I can’t help it.  Can’t help FEELING IT.  The old familiar sting of that cold, unrelenting loneliness.  The kind of loneliness that can strike even when you are in a room full of loved ones.

One of the best albums for this time of year is Catherine Wheel’s Adam & Eve record.  It captures it all.

“Start the day, in a cold December way, feel what’s new, it’s December through and through.”

And on the same record:

“And we crown ourselves again,
There’s been no change since you and I were young,
When we burned ourselves again,
The spaceship days when you and I were young.”

I crave those spaceship days so hard sometimes.  But you can never really go back.

Except with a song.

Come back with me.  Join me in my memories, on this sad, cold winter day.

Youtubin’: Def Leppard – “Kick” live from The Stadium Tour

Not one of the best songs from Diamond Star Halos, “Kick” was still well received by much of Def Leppard’s fandom. It was showcased on The Stadium Tour with Poison, Joan Jett and Motley Crue. Is a new Def Leppard live album in the works? Let’s hope!

REVIEW: Deep Purple – “Woman From Tokyo” (Japanese CD single)

DEEP PURPLE – “Woman From Tokyo” (Originally 1973, 1998 Warner Japan CD reissue)

The 2:56 single edit of Deep Purple’s “Woman From Tokyo” is somewhat of a rarity on CD.  It’s not on the Singles A’s and B’s.  You could get it on a Japanese box set called Purple Chronicle.

The original song was almost six minutes, so half of the tune was chopped out for single release.  The intro is mangled.  The middle section is missing, and cut in such an amateurish way.  The guitar solo is missing.  Rule of thumb:  never cut the friggin’ guitar solo from a Deep Purple song, of all bands!  This is a butcher job of a single edit.  Probably why it never made the cut to Singles A’s and B’s.

The B-side “Super Trouper” is also 2:56, but unedited.  That’s just how the song goes, one of Purple’s shortest.  No, it’s not an Abba cover, but both songs were named after Super Trouper stage lights.  Some of Ian Gillan’s lyrics can be interpreted to be about his impending departure from Deep Purple. “I wanna be like I was before, but this time I’m gonna know the score.” A lot of looking in the rear view mirror in this song. A lot of past-tense.

Because of the butcher job on the “Woman From Tokyo” edit, the B-side here outshines the A-side.  The single at least has lyrics.  For collectors and analysts only!

1/5 stars