Record Store Tales

Part 232: Amanda

RECORD STORE TALES Part 232: Β Amanda

Although by this time, 2004, I had become a jaded prick in the relationship game, I decided to give dating another shot. Β I met this girl from Cambridge named Amanda, nice girl, nothing wrong with her. Β It was quickly obvious however that it wasn’t working out. Β She liked Trailer Park Boys and had her own car which was a bonus. Β She just didn’t get my passion for the rock.

Back at that time I was already working on the Record Store Tales. Β In the original sequence of events, I was actually writing what was then supposed to beΒ Part 13: Β Perspective. Β Most of the original Record Store Tales were excised, but the original Part 13 would have fit in between what became today’s Part 4 and Part 5. Β As I was home writing Part 13, Amanda was on MSN, wanting to chat. Β Even though my record store bosses regularly accused me of abusing MSN Messenger at work,Β I have never like it. Β I’m an email guy. I always found it annoying.

AMANDAI told Amanda I was deep in a creative mode and I wanted to finish writing this chapter. Β She waited about 10 or 15 minutes before pestering. Β She was bored, but I was in the midst of what seemed like a multitude of musical and personal revelations. Β It was just one sign that she didn’t really get what I was about.

That weekend it snowed. Β I was working the Saturday, and after work she picked me up to go and get something to eat. Β I had just read an article about Yusef Islam, the former Cat Stevens, and how he was on a no-fly list in a world of post-911 paranoia. Β Two subjects I’m passionate about are music and politics. Β While I leave politics aside for LeBrain’s Blog, I do like to discuss issues in private. Β Making conversation, I asked her if she’d heard this story about Cat Stevens. Β She was irritable about having to drive in the snow, and didn’t answer. Β I quietly asked again, trying to thaw the personal ice a bit.

“Did you hear that story, about Cat Stevens?” I prodded.

“Actually, I don’t care,” she answered.

We went out to eat, but those words just ate away at me. Β She didn’t care. Β And music is the most important thing in my life. Β Who was I trying to fool? Β This wasn’t going to work out.

The next time we spoke, we agreed to part ways. Β She was pretty upset.

Looking back, the funny thing to me is the day when I was all wrapped up in the writing of the original Part 13. Β For all my bluster about being a “writer” and “an artist” working on “my story”, and pouring all my soul into it, Part 13 didn’t even make the cut in the end! Β Crappy writing is crappy writing and some would say I haven’t improved much since!

Part 231: Top 5…of all time?

RECORD STORE TALESΒ Part 231: Β Top 5…of all time?

I put in just shy of 12 years at the record store. Β That’s a lot of time to work retail. Β If you’ve worked retail, you know what I’m talking about. Β If you haven’t, it has its ups and downs. Β The ups include discounts. Β The downs entail being abused by the general public on a daily basis.

I have a nice plaque around here somewhere, commemorating 7 years at the store. Β It was a pretty cool gift. Β It was a total surprise, how it happened. Β My boss phoned me out of the blue one day.

“Mike,” he said. Β “I need a list of the top 5 albums of all time. Β It’s for an article we’re doing.”

“Cool!” I responded eagerly. Β “But what are the parameters? Β Is it like rock, or all genres? Β Because that’s just a wide-open question.”

“Just what you think are the top albums of all time, that’s all I really need.”

Cool! Β I started work on it. Β I wanted to be objective, fair. Β If I were making a personalized list of a top 5, it would be easy, I know there would be some Kiss and Sabbath in there. Β I wanted to discount my own personal biases and try to be as open as possible for this particular list.

First of all, I chose The Wall. Β I admit that I chose this over Dark Side due to personal preference, also I think a double album like The Wall deserves many accolades. Β I obviously had to give respect to two of the greatest bands of all time, Led Zeppelin and The Beatles. Β I chose Zeppelin IV and Abbey Road. Β I really couldn’t choose a Zeppelin, so I went with IV as kind of a default answer. Β Abbey RoadΒ is arguably the most genius the Beatles ever were, so I could easily choose that over Sgt. Pepper’s.

OK, three down! Β Even though all three artists I chose were different from each other, they were all rock, so I needed to go outside that box. Β To represent country, I decided on Folson Prison by Johnny Cash. Β Were this a more personalized list, I would choose San Quentin, but I went with Folsom as it seems to be the best known.

I didn’t know what to pick last, so I went with a cop-out answer. Β Back In Black. Β What a weak, spineless choice! Β What am I a college student? Β Anyway, again I decided to be open and think about how many copies it sold, not about the many superior AC/DC albums.

I submitted my list. Β A month or two later, I was presented with this plaque! Β And these five albums were on the plaque! Β My boss had collected lists from a few of us who had been there a while, and given us custom made plaques, with the CDs and everything. Β It was really cool and I treasured mine for years.

I only wish he had worded his question differently! Β If I had known in advance what he was really asking (thus spoiling the surprise) I would have chosen these five:

5. Iron Maiden – Piece of Mind

4. Kiss – Alive

3. KissΒ – Hotter Than Hell

2. Deep Purple – Fireball

1. Black Sabbath – Born Again

The original plaque is packed up in a box, as Mrs. LeBrain and I are planning a move to a bigger place. Β Here’s the five albums that made it onto the plaque though, at least all albums I proudly own. Β And because I don’t do anything small, I own them all in some kind of crazy deluxe box set. Β Enjoy.

Part 230: Nicknames

WINNER!

RECORD STORE TALESΒ Part 230: Β Nicknames

It’s true.Β  You may have a nickname at your favourite store that you don’t even know about!Β  Maybe you’re known for your surly manner.Β  Maybe you’re known for returning everything you buy, or a unique form of transportation.Β  Whatever the case may be, here’s a selection of my favourite nicknames from the record store days!

* Sadly, “Surly Brad” (who was actually a nice guy) passed away in 2011.

Part 229: Silent Knight

RECORD STORE TALES Part 229: Β Silent Knight

In a previous chapter, I talked about my early online musical presence in 1994.Β  Before creating the Record Store’s original online ads, I also got an early start to writing reviews.Β  The early reviews weren’t very good, but I definitely tried.Β  Unfortunately back then, there wasn’t much of an online audience for reading reviews of rare Motley Crue EPs!

I did make contact with a few other music fans and collectors in the area.Β  One guy went by the online handle of β€œSilent Knight”, named after the classic 1980 Saga album.Β  He seemed like a nice enough guy, although I soon learned that first impressions can be deceiving.Β  He had a party at his house that I went to, and it was cool.Β  I overlooked the fact that he was in his 30’s living in his parents’ house.Β  I also overlooked his absolutely massive collection of porno videos.Β  If I recall correct (and I think I do because the subject came up), the VHS tapes adorned one whole wall of their living room.Β  Turns out Silent Knight was not just into watching, but also into making.

You can trust me when I say I was more interested in his record collection.Β  He had a great batch of rarities, including some that I wanted.Β  He invited me over for a recording session, where he taped me the classic Brian May & Friends EP, Star Fleet Project.Β  He had this crazy blank tape with a metal shell.Β  I don’t know what the tape was that I used anymore, but the tape that I chose was shite and the recording was almost unlistenable.Β  However, I also recorded from him some Glass Tiger B-sides for my sister, Black Sabbath’s Seventh Star, and the immortal β€œRodeo Song” by Showdown.

Silent Knight and I had a falling out after that. Β He made some antisemetic comments.Β  I don’t know if he was serious or just trying to get a reaction.Β  I decided to cut him loose, as I didn’t need that kind of negative personality in my circle of friends.Β  Good thing I did.Β  Turns out the guy was a total creep.Β  I know, the guy with the wall of porn VHS tapes was a creep?Β  Who could have predicted that?

Months and months later, some time in ’95, I started getting emails from somebody else new to the online world, but having learned my lesson I kept my distance. Β Later he asked me an odd question. Β “Hey, I heard you totally called the cops on somebody else that posts on these boards! Β That’s cool man! Β Who was it?”

I told him that he must have me confused with somebody else. Β Then he revealed himself to be none other than Silent Knight under another handle! Β Apparently, someone had called the cops on him regarding his Wall O’ Porn.Β  I don’t know any details about what he had in the Wall O’ Porn (I really was not interested in checking out somebody’s porn collection) so I have no idea for what reason the cops would have been called, or by whom.Β  He said I was his only β€œenemy” who had seen his collection, therefore I was his number one suspect for ratting him out to the cops. Β He was trying to get me to confess with his fake account.Β  The funny thing is, even after he failed (since he had the wrong guy) he still thought it was me.

After I got over his baffling behaviour, my fury set in.Β  I told him to leave me alone or someone would definitely be calling the cops. Β I blocked him on every email I had and never heard from him again.

And just a few weeks ago, I finally got a proper listenable copy ofΒ Star Fleet ProjectΒ on vinyl. Β Suck on it, Silent Knight!

IMG_00000590

 

 

Part 228: The Phone

RECORD STORE TALES Part 228: The Phone

SAM_0352

Boring conversation anyway.

I has been a long time since I’ve had to answer the phone at the record store. As long as it’s been, sometimes I still find myself answering my phone at work, and it just happens: β€œGood afternoon, [name of record store].” Β I’ve stumbled over that a couple times before realizing what I’ve said!

Every time it happens (like today), it takes me right back in time! Β The memories flood in all at once.

There were several ways we were supposed to answer the phones at the record store. β€œGood afternoon, [name of store]” was the main one. Our boss used to answer the phone with β€œgood afternoon” no matter what time it was. 10 am: β€œgood afternoon”. 8 pm: β€œgood afternoon”. I used to tease him about that.

Later on when we got more locations, we changed the phone greeting to, β€œGood afternoon, [name of store], [address of store].” This was done for customers who were too confused to figure out which location they had just dialed. Although that didn’t stop one guy, who went on an extended cuss-infested tirade because I didn’t have his special order…even though he called the wrong store! You can’t fix stupid. Β (This story was recounted back in Part 104: A Nightmare on Cocknuckles Street.)

At Christmas we’d do other variations of the greeting. I personally enjoyed β€œMerry Christmas, [name of store]” because I for one don’t like β€œHappy Holidays”. The name of the date on the calendar is Christmas, whether you celebrate it or not, you still get a stat holiday like everyone else. Β Happy Holidays my arse.

Tom came up with a few interesting greetings. β€œHappy Ho Ho, [name of store]” was a good one. Another time he answered β€œ[Name of store], Santa’s little rock shop.” He tried to have fun with it.

Still, the worst answering of the phone that ever happened was on my watch. Β It was a busy night, and some kid asked to use the phone for a moment. Β We usually obliged such requests, instructing the person to be quick. Β Well I turned my back for a moment on this kid, and next thing I knew he had walked halfway across the store with the phone and was having a whole conversation. Β I made my way out to retrieve the phone, but it was too late. Β The kid had a “call waiting” and answered the store phone for us.

“Hello? Β Uhhh, hold on.” Β Then he finally acknowledged me. Β “It’s for you.”

Idiot!

Part 227: Purp Ate My Balls


RECORD STORE TALESΒ Part 227: Β Purp Ate My Balls

10 years ago my online handle was “Purpendicular.” Β (Gee, where did I get that name from?) Β “Purp” made a good short-form nickname. Β For whatever reason…and believe me I wish I could remember…Sarge decided to make and give out 40 or 50 “Purp Ate My Balls” shirts! Β He gave them to all his shop employees (Metal Fatigue in Bournemouth) and I’m pretty sure all the Klopeks ended up with them too.

I wish I had the photo gallery, but Sarge used to have pictures of all those people wearing my face on their shirts and doing the “Purp” face. Β It was a mini-phenomenon at the time, but all I have left is Sarge.

For obvious reasons, I was not allowed to wear this shirt to work. Β I do still have mine though, packed away in storage. Β I wonder how many more are still out there? Β I often wonder if people in Bournemouth, Brighton, Niagara Falls and beyond still wear their “Purp”?

Sarge

Part 226: Alarm!

ALARM

RECORD STORE TALESΒ Part 226: Β Alarm!

I remember growing up, my dad managed a bank. It happened periodically that the phone would ring in the middle of the night. It would be a security company telling my dad to get down to the bank, because there was an alarm. He’d get up, get dressed, and at like 3 am, head to the bank.

I knew when I became store manager of a record store, this could possibly happen to me too. Thankfully, it only happened once, and it was late-afternoon on a Sunday. But it was weird.

It was a sunny summer day, a couple hours after we closed at 5. When the phone rang and the security company was on the other end, I was ready to do whatever they needed me to do.

β€œWe’ve had calls,” they said, β€œthat people were walking in and out of your store. We need you to get down there and check out the situation.” That was a bit freaky, but the store was a mere 10 minutes away from my house. It didn’t take much for me to get there.

What I found when I got there was a locked door, and an undisturbed store. The alarm was still on, but not triggered. I checked the safe, the cash register, everything. It was quiet as a mouse. The only activity was another store in the plaza, doing an invite-only customer appreciation sale, but even they weren’t that busy.

I called the alarm company. I explained that there was zero activity here, and whoever called them must have been confused. I explained that another store in the same plaza was having a sale, and people were walking in and out of that store, but not mine. I went home.

Shortly after coming home, they called me again! They said their alarm system was showing an open door. I assured them that this was not the case. They asked me to go down there again, and I said I had just returned from there, and everything was fine. I wasn’t going back.

This went back and forth before they finally mentioned the street name. And guess what? It wasn’t the right address. It was in fact one of our franchisee’s stores, a totally different owner in a completely different city.

β€œWait a second – you’ve called the wrong guy,” I said. β€œI don’t manage that store. I’m not even in that city.” I then gave them the name of the correct person they should have called.

β€œWe have you down as the contact,” they said.

β€œWell that’s wrong and you have to change it,” I retorted.

β€œWe’ll have to talk to your store owner to make any changes like that. In the meantime, can you call the correct person and let him know his store is showing an open door?”

I looked up the number, called and left a message with his grandmother, who relayed it to the franchisee. Β Good to know that alarm companies are on top of their game!

Part 225: Bait & Switch

WEIRD FOO EP_0001

RECORD STORE TALESΒ Part 225: Β Bait & Switch

One Wednesday afternoon in 1997, I was working alone. A gentleman in his mid-20’s walked into my store. He browsed the hip-hop section and I asked him if he needed any help finding anything. He said no, and was pleasant enough. About 10 minutes later, he approached the counter to make a purchase.

I knew immediately there was a problem. In his hands was a used copy of Puff Daddy’s brand new smash hit album, No Way Out. It had one of our Bargain Bin stickers on it, priced at $5.99. However the album was a fairly new release, and any used copies we had were always priced at $11.99. I’d never put one of them in my Bargain Bin, ever at this point. You just didn’t throw a new release into a sale bin. As Puffy said, β€œIt’s all about the Benjamins.”

I couldn’t rule out staff error, so I double checked. Each price tag had a stock number on it. That stock number told me the location of the actual CD; the discs were all kept safely behind the counter.

Sure enough, I referred to the stock number which led me to a completely different CD, one that was common for our Bargain Bin. It wasn’t staff error. This meant that somebody switched the Puff Daddy price tag with another CD, from our Bargain Bin.

I knew this wasn’t going to be easy.

β€œOK, I have a problem here,” I began, as gently as I could. After all, I had no way of knowing for sure that this guy switched the tags himself. It was probable that he would, very few people would switch a price tag and leave it. I could even see where the tag was peeled off and re-applied. β€œThis CD isn’t actually $5.99. It’s supposed to say $11.99. It looks to me like someone switched the price tags. I’m not saying it was you…I’m sorry about this…but I can’t sell you this disc for $5.99. $5.99 is less than we actually paid for it.”

He shrugged. β€œThat’s not my problem. You have to honor the price tag.”

β€œThis price tag,” I countered, β€œlinks back to a CD by Hole. I can sell you that CD for $5.99, but not Puff Daddy. This is a brand new release, we never put new releases out in our Bargain Bin.”

Then he got fancy. β€œAre you familiar with the Bait & Switch law?”

I was. From Wikipedia:

First, customers are “baited” by merchants’ advertising products or services at a low price, but when customers visit the store, they discover that the advertised goods are not available, or the customers are pressured by sales people to consider similar, but higher priced items (“switching”).

β€œThis isn’t a Bait & Switch,” I argued. β€œSomebody else switched the price tag. Like I said, this tag right here links back to Hole, not Puffy. I can sell you Hole for $5.99, for Puffy, you’d pay $11.99. Again, I’m not saying you switched it. But somebody did. I’m sorry about that but I can’t lose money on this CD because somebody switched a price tag on me.”

β€œLegally, you are obligated to let me have that CD for $5.99. You’re in violation of Bait & Switch laws. Do you want me to get the cops involved?”

I knew he wouldn’t do that. β€œYou can do that if you want, but what’s to stop me from going over to Walmart, taking a price tag from a $2 bag of chips, and putting it on a CD myself? Would Walmart have to sell me that CD for $2?”

Cool as a cucumber, he just shrugged.

It was at that moment that my boss walked in.

β€œWhat seems to be the problem here?” he asked.

I explained the whole situation, how somebody switched the price tag, and how he wanted Puffy for $5.99. I explained how I was 100% certain of the situation, and how the stock code on the price tag led me to a $5.99 Hole CD.

One issue that I had with my boss was that he didn’tΒ always stick up for store managers in situations like this. I could never predict if he would stick up for us or cave. Β So what did he do? He apologized profusely and he rang in the CD for $7.99 or something like that. The customer was happy as could be, so polite.

He strolled out knowing he’d won. I wonder who he scammed next?

I walked over to the Puff Daddy section to see if I could find evidence of the missing but correct price tag. Sure enough, what did I find? A Hole CD, with a poorly applied $11.99 price tag on it, in the hip-hop section not far from Puffy. And what did that $11.99 tag’s stock code lead me to? The spot that the Puffy disc occupied.

An $8 scam was hardly going to break the bank, but I felt about two feet tall, because I knew I was right. I never let anybody else scam me in that way again. Β But that’s another story…

Part 224: Rockin’ Is Ma Business

For a closer look at the album itself, check out 1537’s cool writeup!

RECORD STORE TALES Part 224: Β Rockin’ Is Ma Business

In 1995, this guy I knew named Freddy was looking for more new tunes. Β He’d been playing all the Gary Moore and Stevie Ray Vaughn that I could get him, but he wanted some rock as well. Β Something a little heavier.

“Have you heard of the Four Horsemen?” I asked.

“Nope,” he answered. Β “Who’re the Four Horsemen?”

The Four Horsemen were a great band. Β They had a solid AC/DC vibe mixed in with assloads of southern rock. Β They were an odd mixture of personnel, with members from Wales, America and Canada. Β They featured ex-members of DOA and The Cult (Haggis), along with a charismatic unknown singer from Long Island who went by the name of Frank C. Starr. Β They were a volatile band and the original lineup imploded, but there were also rumours of a reunion and second album. Β (Sadly, drummer Ken “Dimwit” Montgomery passed away, and after recording the second album, Frank Starr would be close behind.) Β They did manage to crank out a solid debut, helmed by Rick Rubin, called Nobody Said It Was Easy.*

Freddy was sold without hearing a single song, after I described how strong the debut was. Β We had it stocked new for the low, low price of $14.99. Β Freddy made his purchase and headed out.I was confident he would be satisfied.

A week later, Freddy returned. Β He had a bone to pick with me about Nobody Said It Was Easy.

“It was good music,” he said, “But not what I was looking for. Β You said it was more like AC/DC. Β This doesn’t sound anything like AC/DC. Β It’s more country. Β I don’t know why you said it sounded like AC/DC.”

I was really confused. Β How could you miss those AC/DC-isms? Β The rock solid beats, smoking guitars, and screamin’ lead vocalist? Β What Freddy was saying didn’t make much sense.

We talked for a while trying to make sense of each others’ side of the story, getting nowhere, so I asked him to bring the CD back in. Β He did, and I put it in the player. Β Sure enough, Freddy was right — but on a CD clearly labelled The Four Horsemen was music by Dwight Yoakam! Β The voice was unmistakable.

How could this happen? Β It was rare, but not impossible, for a CD to be manufactured but then labelled and packaged as the wrong album. Β Dwight Yoakam was on Reprise, and the Horsemen on Def American. Β Both labels were subsidiaries of Warner Brothers. Β Obviously the CDs were also manufactured in a Warner plant, for this mix-up to happen.

I insisted that Freddy return the CD so we could make it right, but he didn’t want to! Β He liked the Dwight Yoakam album and wanted to keep it! Β I ordered him a replacement copy of Nobody Said It Was Easy,Β and he liked that one too.

A lot of people were surprised that a CD could end up with the wrong music or artwork (however you want to look at it) printed on it. Β It was rare, but it could happen and did. Β Fortunately Freddy was happy with both records!


*The Four Horsemen finally reached a wider audience in 2012, in the movie GI Joe: Retaliation. From their second album, “Back In Business” is featured completely out of context during a frantic action sequence. The lyrics of the song are clearly about getting screwed over by record labels and passing trends in music.

Part 223: The Bird

Bird bird bird bird is the word

RECORD STORE TALESΒ Part 223: Β The Bird

I hated doing bank runs.Β  Bank runs were required to make sure we had plenty of change in the register.Β  The denominations we tended to run out of most frequently were $1’s, $2’s, and $5’s.Β  Because we were buying used CDs (often offering between $1 and $6 per disc) it’s understandable how we could go through a tray full of $5’s in short order.

We’d run out all the time and I was sick and tired of getting in shit for running out of $5 bills.Β  I started a routine: once a week, we did a massive bank run that would always last us through the weekend and into the Monday. Β Then, people complained that we had a lot of change to count in our register – but I never ran out anymore.

I’d call the bank up, and place my change order.Β  One time over 10 years ago, I brought one of my employees with me to do the change run.Β  The reasons for this were twofold.Β  One, I was carrying a lot of money and I liked having another person with me as backup.Β  Second, it was a good way of showing him how to do the change run for the future.

There’s usually a special β€œbusiness line” at the bank that lets you cut the crowds.Β  We went into that line (overhearing a few people sneer, β€œhow come they get to go before me when I’ve been waiting 20 minutes?”).Β  We got our change fairly quickly, and headed back out.

We got into my car and and began to make our way back to the store.Β  There were two traffic lanes heading out:Β  One a left-turn only lane, and one a right-turn or straight lane.Β  We were going straight, so I stopped at the red light.

We sat at the red light, shooting the shit, talking about music, when we both noticed a persistent honking behind us.Β  I looked over my shoulder and I saw a lady in a red car behind us yelling, and gesturing wildly.

β€œIs she honking at us?” I asked Chris, a little confused.

β€œI think so!” he answered.Β  β€œI think she wants to turn right.”

I watched her a bit in my mirror.Β  I think this only made her more angry, because her movements became even more animated.Β  I couldn’t make out what she was yelling, but she sure was letting it out.

β€œThis is kind of weird,” I said.Β  β€œNothing I can do about it though…I’m still going straight!”  I don’t think she knew we were both in a straight/right turn lane.Β  Maybe she had a disorder that rendered her incapable of reading street signs.

β€œThe light’s green…just gun it, I’ll flip her the bird,” Chris said.

She had beaten Chris to the punch though, already waving her left hand in the air, finger up high, yelling and screaming at us as she finally made her right turn.Β  I was just glad she didn’t follow us to the store, which was right across the street! Β People can be really weird about stuff like that these days. Β And that’s the story of the weirdest bank run we ever did.